1
00:00:03,437 --> 00:00:07,006
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
2
00:00:07,008 --> 00:00:09,775
Hey, where is everyone?
3
00:00:09,777 --> 00:00:12,277
Stan? Francine?
4
00:00:12,279 --> 00:00:13,445
Hayley?
5
00:00:13,447 --> 00:00:15,714
Snot's friend
with the glasses?
6
00:00:15,716 --> 00:00:18,917
Anybody home?
It's me, Roger!
7
00:00:18,919 --> 00:00:20,552
Roger,
what's all the fuss about?
8
00:00:20,554 --> 00:00:22,087
A new steakhouse
just opened.
9
00:00:22,089 --> 00:00:23,789
Apparently they have
an amazing porterhouse.
10
00:00:23,791 --> 00:00:24,790
Let's go.
11
00:00:24,792 --> 00:00:26,792
Sorry, Roger,
but it's date night.
12
00:00:26,861 --> 00:00:28,594
Stan and I
are going to the opera.
13
00:00:28,596 --> 00:00:29,795
Wha?
14
00:00:29,797 --> 00:00:30,896
We're trying to do
15
00:00:30,898 --> 00:00:32,364
more things together
as a couple,
16
00:00:32,366 --> 00:00:34,066
and we both love the opera.
17
00:00:34,068 --> 00:00:35,968
I like watching people sing
in Italian.
18
00:00:35,970 --> 00:00:36,969
They're all...
19
00:00:36,971 --> 00:00:40,372
¶ Ravioli
with a cappuccino ¶
20
00:00:40,374 --> 00:00:45,477
¶ Mark Wahlberg's
"The Italian Job" ¶
21
00:00:45,479 --> 00:00:47,446
(both moaning)
22
00:00:47,448 --> 00:00:48,781
Mm-kay.
23
00:00:48,783 --> 00:00:50,616
I guess I could go to dinner
solo.
24
00:00:50,618 --> 00:00:53,952
Maybe I'll try out a character
who's okay with eating alone.
25
00:00:53,954 --> 00:00:55,587
This isn't so bad.
26
00:00:55,589 --> 00:00:57,790
And I got to eat
all the insides of the breads
27
00:00:57,792 --> 00:00:59,258
without anyone giving me shit.
28
00:00:59,260 --> 00:01:01,994
A Christine Lucy L'amour --
that's my name --
29
00:01:01,996 --> 00:01:03,462
could get used to this.
30
00:01:03,464 --> 00:01:05,431
Good evening, ma'am.
What can I get for you?
31
00:01:05,433 --> 00:01:08,000
A 6'6" black man
with a dong to match?
32
00:01:08,002 --> 00:01:10,636
(laughs) There's -- There's
some waiter humor for you.
33
00:01:10,638 --> 00:01:12,838
All right, I'd -- I'd like
the porterhouse, please.
34
00:01:12,840 --> 00:01:15,174
I'm sorry,
but the porterhouse is for two,
35
00:01:15,176 --> 00:01:17,810
not for one person
who smells like ChapStick.
36
00:01:17,812 --> 00:01:19,411
Mean person!
37
00:01:19,413 --> 00:01:22,581
(sobbing)
38
00:01:22,583 --> 00:01:24,616
Whoa, this hollowed-out bread
39
00:01:24,618 --> 00:01:26,985
would make the perfect shell
for my hermit crab, Herman!
40
00:01:26,987 --> 00:01:30,756
But as usual, he probably
won't show me any gratitude.
41
00:01:30,758 --> 00:01:33,459
Well, that's life
as a hermit-crab owner.
42
00:01:33,461 --> 00:01:35,094
Now you know everything
about me.
43
00:01:35,096 --> 00:01:36,328
(ting!)
44
00:01:36,330 --> 00:01:37,996
(sentimental music plays)
45
00:01:37,998 --> 00:01:39,698
(birds chirping)
46
00:01:52,913 --> 00:01:55,981
(bicycle bell rings)
47
00:01:55,983 --> 00:01:58,817
Why does everyone
have someone?!
48
00:02:05,593 --> 00:02:08,293
Do you think we were
meant to find each other?
49
00:02:08,295 --> 00:02:10,229
Is this a fairy tale?
50
00:02:10,231 --> 00:02:14,199
Yeah, it's a fairy tale called
"Jackin' This Guy's Bean Stalk."
51
00:02:14,201 --> 00:02:15,968
Hey, that's pretty funny.
52
00:02:15,970 --> 00:02:17,669
Did you just come up
with that?
53
00:02:17,671 --> 00:02:18,837
(garbled) I did.
54
00:02:18,839 --> 00:02:22,141
(sobbing)
55
00:02:22,143 --> 00:02:24,643
(patriotic music plays)
56
00:02:24,645 --> 00:02:27,880
¶ Good morning, U.S.A. ¶
57
00:02:27,882 --> 00:02:31,250
¶ I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day ¶
58
00:02:31,252 --> 00:02:34,653
¶ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ¶
59
00:02:34,655 --> 00:02:38,724
¶ And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race ¶
60
00:02:40,528 --> 00:02:43,896
¶ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ¶
61
00:02:43,898 --> 00:02:46,198
¶ Good -- ¶
¶ Good morning, U.S.A. ¶
62
00:02:46,200 --> 00:02:47,533
Aah!
63
00:02:48,769 --> 00:02:52,204
¶ Good morning, U.S.A. ¶
64
00:02:54,642 --> 00:02:58,377
Tough crossword this morning,
but I got through it.
65
00:02:58,379 --> 00:03:00,512
213 black squares.
66
00:03:00,514 --> 00:03:02,748
Took me two pens.
67
00:03:03,684 --> 00:03:06,084
Oh-ho! Walk of shame!
68
00:03:06,086 --> 00:03:07,519
Big night, Roger?
69
00:03:07,521 --> 00:03:11,757
(sobbing)
Why am I so sad?!
70
00:03:11,759 --> 00:03:14,059
Uh, you -- you got this,
right, Francine?
71
00:03:14,061 --> 00:03:17,362
'Cause I-I just remembered
I have a...thing.
72
00:03:19,400 --> 00:03:22,401
Roger, what's wrong?
73
00:03:22,403 --> 00:03:24,369
You wouldn't understand,
Franny.
74
00:03:24,371 --> 00:03:25,704
You have Stan.
75
00:03:25,706 --> 00:03:27,940
You've never been alone
in your life.
76
00:03:29,076 --> 00:03:31,043
Can someone get the door?
77
00:03:31,045 --> 00:03:32,744
Oh, quit being
so dramatic.
78
00:03:32,746 --> 00:03:34,947
Ow!
You're just lonely.
79
00:03:34,949 --> 00:03:37,482
Maybe you should try
online dating.
80
00:03:37,484 --> 00:03:41,220
There's an old man who
invented an E-Harmony machine.
81
00:03:41,222 --> 00:03:43,422
What?
Roger doesn't need that shit.
82
00:03:43,424 --> 00:03:45,924
Me and him --
We're lone wolves, baby.
83
00:03:45,926 --> 00:03:48,760
Punch in, punch out.
That's how we do it.
84
00:03:48,762 --> 00:03:50,662
Bam-bam!
Bam-bam-bam!
85
00:03:50,664 --> 00:03:52,664
Come on, Rog!
Give me a "bam."
86
00:03:52,666 --> 00:03:54,266
Bam.
Yeah!
87
00:03:54,268 --> 00:03:57,135
Now you get it!
Bam-bam-bam-bam-bam!
88
00:03:57,137 --> 00:03:59,972
¶ I'm a lone wolf,
baby-y-y ¶
89
00:03:59,974 --> 00:04:01,006
Bam-bam-bam-bam-bam!
90
00:04:01,008 --> 00:04:03,408
Bam-bam-bam-bam-bam!
91
00:04:07,881 --> 00:04:09,014
(grunts)
92
00:04:09,016 --> 00:04:10,749
Hey, guys,
what's going on?
93
00:04:10,751 --> 00:04:12,284
Why are you all acting
so sporty?
94
00:04:12,286 --> 00:04:15,787
Because
the school's bringing back
95
00:04:15,789 --> 00:04:18,123
the Presidential
Fitness Test!
96
00:04:18,125 --> 00:04:20,659
My name is
General Robert James.
97
00:04:20,661 --> 00:04:22,995
I used to oversee
the Presidential Fitness Test
98
00:04:22,997 --> 00:04:24,796
before it was
foolishly disbanded.
99
00:04:24,798 --> 00:04:27,699
That's why students today
are all so soft.
100
00:04:27,701 --> 00:04:30,535
That's my belly button,
asshole.
101
00:04:30,537 --> 00:04:34,172
Students will be required
to complete a timed mile,
102
00:04:34,174 --> 00:04:37,309
the sit-and-reach,
and a set of pull-ups
103
00:04:37,311 --> 00:04:39,177
all in front of your peers.
104
00:04:39,179 --> 00:04:41,513
Pull-ups?
In front of everyone?
105
00:04:41,515 --> 00:04:43,849
People will finally realize
I'm not athletic.
106
00:04:43,851 --> 00:04:48,353
The only people who can't
do pull-ups wear Pull-Ups.
107
00:04:48,355 --> 00:04:50,022
Snot, we're screwed.
108
00:04:50,024 --> 00:04:51,657
This guy's gonna put us
back in diapers.
109
00:04:51,659 --> 00:04:53,725
What do you mean,
"back in"?
110
00:04:53,727 --> 00:04:56,361
Some of us never left.
111
00:04:56,363 --> 00:04:59,231
¶¶
112
00:05:06,607 --> 00:05:08,407
(sighs)
113
00:05:08,409 --> 00:05:09,875
Mmm!
114
00:05:09,877 --> 00:05:12,210
Roger, have you seen my bottle
of cocoa butter?
115
00:05:12,212 --> 00:05:13,645
It keeps disappearing.
116
00:05:13,647 --> 00:05:15,347
Have you ruled out
the possibility
117
00:05:15,349 --> 00:05:16,548
it's doing a "Toy Story"?
118
00:05:16,550 --> 00:05:18,016
Not yet.
119
00:05:18,018 --> 00:05:20,252
Never mind that. Look!
I got matched!
120
00:05:20,254 --> 00:05:22,087
And we have
so much in common.
121
00:05:22,089 --> 00:05:23,588
He's a huge Packers fan.
122
00:05:23,590 --> 00:05:25,324
I'm a huge Packers fan.
123
00:05:25,326 --> 00:05:26,325
(cellphone dings)
(gasps)
124
00:05:26,327 --> 00:05:27,726
He wants to meet up!
125
00:05:27,728 --> 00:05:29,361
The texts
were popping up earlier,
126
00:05:29,363 --> 00:05:30,862
but you're standing there
now.
127
00:05:30,864 --> 00:05:34,399
"I'm in. I'll be the one
holding a red rose."
128
00:05:34,401 --> 00:05:36,001
(cellphone dings)
129
00:05:36,003 --> 00:05:38,036
He says he'll be the one
in the Packers helmet.
130
00:05:38,038 --> 00:05:39,604
Oh, my God!
It's happening!
131
00:05:39,606 --> 00:05:41,673
Hey, did you not
get my hint earlier?
132
00:05:41,675 --> 00:05:43,208
Move.
133
00:05:43,210 --> 00:05:45,210
Oh, I see them now!
134
00:05:45,212 --> 00:05:47,045
That's so cool!
135
00:05:47,047 --> 00:05:50,115
(screams)
What is this?!
136
00:05:50,117 --> 00:05:53,352
Oh, text bubbles are made
out of flesh-eating bacteria.
137
00:05:53,354 --> 00:05:54,786
You didn't know that?
Okay.
138
00:05:54,788 --> 00:05:57,389
I'd love to help you,
but I got a date!
139
00:05:59,026 --> 00:06:02,761
(grumbling)
(whimpering)
140
00:06:02,763 --> 00:06:05,364
(chanting)
141
00:06:05,366 --> 00:06:08,233
Sorry, Steve, but I can't get
you out of gym this week.
142
00:06:08,235 --> 00:06:10,435
The general
has made it very clear
143
00:06:10,437 --> 00:06:12,604
everyone has to take
the fitness test.
144
00:06:12,606 --> 00:06:14,439
But --
But I'm totally sick.
145
00:06:14,441 --> 00:06:17,142
Cough, cough. Big sniffle.
Cough, cough, achoo.
146
00:06:17,144 --> 00:06:18,643
Can't get a boner.
147
00:06:20,414 --> 00:06:23,382
Hayley?
I'm not Hayley. I'm Vicki.
148
00:06:23,384 --> 00:06:25,384
I'm 17, ya dig, nuttabutta?
149
00:06:25,386 --> 00:06:26,551
(whispering)
I don't have insurance
150
00:06:26,553 --> 00:06:28,120
'cause I'm kind of
between jobs right now.
151
00:06:28,122 --> 00:06:29,621
So I'm pretending
to be a student
152
00:06:29,623 --> 00:06:31,423
to see Nurse Margaret
about my pink eye.
153
00:06:31,425 --> 00:06:33,425
Pink eye?
Give me some!
154
00:06:33,427 --> 00:06:35,394
(screams)
What are you doing, psycho?!
155
00:06:35,396 --> 00:06:36,628
I got to
get out of this test!
156
00:06:36,630 --> 00:06:37,662
ROBERT: What's this?
157
00:06:37,664 --> 00:06:38,997
Is someone trying
158
00:06:38,999 --> 00:06:40,832
to get out of
the Presidential Fitness Test?
159
00:06:40,834 --> 00:06:44,603
I was...just trying to bang this
nurse, if you'd let me work.
160
00:06:44,605 --> 00:06:46,471
I'm keeping my eye on you.
161
00:06:50,911 --> 00:06:52,444
(gasps)
It's him!
162
00:06:52,446 --> 00:06:54,446
This is it.
163
00:06:54,448 --> 00:06:56,748
The first day
of the rest of your life.
164
00:06:59,086 --> 00:07:00,685
Hey, you forgot
your helmet.
165
00:07:00,687 --> 00:07:02,087
Hey!
166
00:07:02,089 --> 00:07:03,922
Roger?
What are you doing here?
167
00:07:03,924 --> 00:07:05,857
I'm on a date,
but he just left.
168
00:07:05,859 --> 00:07:07,292
Why do you have
a red rose?
169
00:07:07,294 --> 00:07:09,828
My date's supposed to be
holding a rose.
170
00:07:09,830 --> 00:07:11,530
My date's supposed to be...
171
00:07:11,532 --> 00:07:14,166
in a Packers helmet.
172
00:07:14,168 --> 00:07:17,102
(both chuckling)
173
00:07:17,104 --> 00:07:19,704
I-I-I didn't know
you were online-dating.
174
00:07:19,706 --> 00:07:21,840
Well, if I'm being honest,
175
00:07:21,842 --> 00:07:25,544
this lone wolf
is actually howlingly lonely.
176
00:07:25,546 --> 00:07:28,847
Excuse me, your table is ready.
Party of two?
177
00:07:28,849 --> 00:07:31,950
Well, I-I have been wanting to
try this porterhouse for two.
178
00:07:31,952 --> 00:07:34,186
Do -- Do you want to...?
I mean, we are friends.
179
00:07:34,188 --> 00:07:36,354
Of course.
We can have a meal together.
180
00:07:36,356 --> 00:07:37,722
Why not?
181
00:07:37,724 --> 00:07:43,028
That was incredible!
182
00:07:45,299 --> 00:07:47,666
I can't believe
we haven't done that before.
183
00:07:47,668 --> 00:07:50,135
And the crazy thing
is it didn't feel weird.
184
00:07:50,137 --> 00:07:52,204
It's like we got matched
for a reason.
185
00:07:52,206 --> 00:07:54,539
Does this --
Does this make us gay?
186
00:07:54,541 --> 00:07:57,642
God, no, I'm an alien.
I wish people thought I was gay.
187
00:08:00,247 --> 00:08:02,581
Stan's gonna freak
when we tell him about this.
188
00:08:02,583 --> 00:08:04,516
He's always had
a major crush on me.
189
00:08:04,518 --> 00:08:06,885
Roger, we can't tell the family
about this.
190
00:08:06,887 --> 00:08:08,220
They won't understand.
191
00:08:08,222 --> 00:08:09,855
I guess we could keep it
a secret.
192
00:08:09,857 --> 00:08:11,923
Are you okay being
out of the water like this?
193
00:08:11,925 --> 00:08:14,659
Oh, I'm actually in a puddle
of sweat from our lovemaking.
194
00:08:16,129 --> 00:08:17,429
(door creaks)
195
00:08:19,266 --> 00:08:20,665
(door creaks)
196
00:08:20,667 --> 00:08:22,000
Klaus, what are you doing
up in Roger's attic?
197
00:08:22,002 --> 00:08:23,702
Oh, hey, I was, um,
198
00:08:23,704 --> 00:08:27,205
not having mind-blowing,
sweaty sex with Roger.
Huh.
199
00:08:27,207 --> 00:08:28,940
You know, people are
always talking about
200
00:08:28,942 --> 00:08:30,675
what they were doing,
but you're right.
201
00:08:30,677 --> 00:08:32,677
We should talk more
about what we weren't doing.
202
00:08:32,679 --> 00:08:35,180
I mean, obviously, you weren't
just having sex with Roger.
203
00:08:35,182 --> 00:08:36,882
He has
a major crush on me.
204
00:08:36,884 --> 00:08:38,917
Oh, yeah, totally.
Wait, he admitted it?
205
00:08:38,919 --> 00:08:40,719
Klaus, you got to tell me
these things.
206
00:08:40,721 --> 00:08:42,387
When I heard
Tuttle had a crush on you,
207
00:08:42,389 --> 00:08:44,222
I told you immediately.
208
00:08:46,693 --> 00:08:49,794
Now pull up! Up!
209
00:08:49,796 --> 00:08:52,264
(grunting)
(crowd booing)
210
00:08:52,266 --> 00:08:55,534
You can't even do one pull-up,
Pokémon?!
211
00:08:55,536 --> 00:08:58,203
You've failed
the Presidential Fitness Test,
212
00:08:58,205 --> 00:09:00,272
which means on the authority
of the president,
213
00:09:00,274 --> 00:09:03,108
I will now deport
your favorite cousin.
214
00:09:04,578 --> 00:09:07,412
Now we know who it is!
Go!
215
00:09:10,918 --> 00:09:13,285
(both moaning)
216
00:09:13,287 --> 00:09:15,420
I want to put you
in my mouth.
217
00:09:17,824 --> 00:09:20,392
Roger, stop.
Someone's coming.
218
00:09:20,394 --> 00:09:23,728
Oh, great! You guys are joining
us for family movie night?
219
00:09:23,730 --> 00:09:26,464
Tonight's feature --
"Basic Instinct."
220
00:09:26,466 --> 00:09:29,334
( man and woman moaning )
221
00:09:29,336 --> 00:09:32,604
Is this -- Are we sure
this is a family movie?
222
00:09:32,606 --> 00:09:35,140
( moaning continues )
223
00:09:39,513 --> 00:09:41,313
Roger, can I see you
in the kitchen?
224
00:09:41,315 --> 00:09:43,448
Oh, yes, kitchen!
225
00:09:47,621 --> 00:09:50,989
Oh, Klaus! Yes!
Yes, Klaus!
226
00:09:50,991 --> 00:09:52,657
Oh, my God, yes!
227
00:09:52,659 --> 00:09:55,093
Be quiet. Stan and Francine
are right outside.
228
00:09:55,095 --> 00:09:56,628
I don't care
if they find out.
229
00:09:56,630 --> 00:09:58,430
You're crazy,
and I love it.
230
00:09:58,432 --> 00:10:01,433
(both moaning)
231
00:10:01,435 --> 00:10:03,768
What the...?
Were you two making out?
232
00:10:03,770 --> 00:10:05,971
No! Are you nuts?!
233
00:10:05,973 --> 00:10:08,773
Sorry, this pink eye
is making me see things.
234
00:10:08,775 --> 00:10:10,375
Nurse Margaret
gave me eye drops,
235
00:10:10,377 --> 00:10:12,043
but I-I think
it's getting worse.
236
00:10:12,045 --> 00:10:14,112
I might have to --
Get the [bleep] out!
237
00:10:14,114 --> 00:10:15,880
Oh, that was so hot!
238
00:10:15,882 --> 00:10:17,682
(both moaning)
239
00:10:17,684 --> 00:10:19,951
(both laugh)
240
00:10:19,953 --> 00:10:21,953
¶¶
241
00:10:21,955 --> 00:10:25,790
¶ Thought
that I was going crazy ¶
242
00:10:25,792 --> 00:10:28,226
(gasps)
¶ Just having one of those days,
yeah ¶
243
00:10:28,228 --> 00:10:29,661
(sighs)
244
00:10:29,663 --> 00:10:33,331
¶ Didn't know what to do ¶
245
00:10:33,333 --> 00:10:36,568
¶ Then there was you ¶
(wink!)
246
00:10:36,570 --> 00:10:39,738
¶ And everything
went from wrong to right¶
247
00:10:39,740 --> 00:10:43,742
¶ And the stars came out
and filled up the sky ¶
248
00:10:43,744 --> 00:10:47,178
¶ The music you were playing
really blew my mind ¶
249
00:10:47,180 --> 00:10:49,014
¶ It was love ¶
250
00:10:49,016 --> 00:10:51,216
¶ At first sight ¶
251
00:10:51,218 --> 00:10:55,687
¶ 'Cause, baby,
when I heard you ¶
(both moaning)
252
00:10:55,689 --> 00:10:58,323
¶ For the first time, I knew ¶
253
00:10:58,325 --> 00:11:00,892
Ahh!
¶ We were -- ¶
254
00:11:00,894 --> 00:11:02,727
(record rips)
What the hell's
going on here?!
255
00:11:02,729 --> 00:11:05,096
It's not
what you think!
256
00:11:05,098 --> 00:11:06,498
I believe you.
Goodbye.
257
00:11:06,500 --> 00:11:07,766
No, no, no,
wait, wait, wait.
258
00:11:07,768 --> 00:11:09,334
I can't hide it anymore.
259
00:11:09,336 --> 00:11:11,936
In fact, I want to shout it
from the rooftops!
260
00:11:11,938 --> 00:11:13,772
Klaus and I are in love!
261
00:11:14,941 --> 00:11:17,042
(laughs)
262
00:11:17,044 --> 00:11:19,577
You guys!
You really got me!
263
00:11:19,579 --> 00:11:21,079
I actually
started believing it.
264
00:11:21,081 --> 00:11:23,114
Well, you should
because we're a couple.
265
00:11:23,116 --> 00:11:25,050
Tell them, honey pie.
266
00:11:25,052 --> 00:11:26,885
It's true.
267
00:11:26,887 --> 00:11:28,920
Roger and I
have been intimate.
268
00:11:28,922 --> 00:11:32,424
Oh, my God!
I'm so happy for you two!
269
00:11:32,426 --> 00:11:35,026
Stan, I know this is hard
for you to accept,
270
00:11:35,028 --> 00:11:36,528
what with
your feelings for me,
271
00:11:36,530 --> 00:11:38,863
but why don't you and Francine
come over for dinner?
272
00:11:38,865 --> 00:11:40,098
I'll make pesto.
273
00:11:43,737 --> 00:11:45,270
Damn it! 19.
274
00:11:45,272 --> 00:11:48,273
Sure, we'd be happy
to accept your invitation.
275
00:11:48,275 --> 00:11:50,975
Maybe I should
stop using this thing.
276
00:11:50,977 --> 00:11:52,644
(sighs)
Guess not.
277
00:11:52,646 --> 00:11:54,245
(sing-song voice)
Hayley.
278
00:11:54,247 --> 00:11:57,115
I baked you cookies
because you're sick.
279
00:11:57,117 --> 00:11:58,416
Really?
That's so nice!
280
00:11:58,418 --> 00:11:59,918
Let me at those eyes!
281
00:11:59,920 --> 00:12:01,052
(both screaming)
282
00:12:01,054 --> 00:12:02,487
Get away from her!
283
00:12:02,489 --> 00:12:05,156
Don't be such a dick, Hayley!
Share your pink eye!
284
00:12:05,158 --> 00:12:07,058
The general
has it out for me!
285
00:12:07,060 --> 00:12:09,627
Whoa, Steve, you want to get
away from a military man?
286
00:12:09,629 --> 00:12:11,730
You should have come to me.
I know all the tricks.
287
00:12:11,732 --> 00:12:12,731
You do?
288
00:12:12,733 --> 00:12:15,100
Yeah, if I put
as much work into working
289
00:12:15,102 --> 00:12:17,569
as I do into not working...
290
00:12:18,672 --> 00:12:20,138
I don't know.
291
00:12:22,909 --> 00:12:25,243
So, how do you two...
you know?
292
00:12:25,245 --> 00:12:27,746
Stan, that's
a very personal question.
293
00:12:27,748 --> 00:12:29,814
Ask them something
less personal.
294
00:12:29,816 --> 00:12:32,517
Who's on the $50 bill?
-Grant.
295
00:12:32,519 --> 00:12:34,352
Got to admit, Stan,
they know their stuff.
296
00:12:34,354 --> 00:12:36,287
Now that our relationship's
out in the open,
297
00:12:36,289 --> 00:12:38,690
we can finally do
all the things that couples do,
298
00:12:38,692 --> 00:12:41,493
like go to the opera
or take a hot-air-balloon ride.
299
00:12:41,495 --> 00:12:43,695
Klaus loves hot-air balloons,
don't you, babe?
300
00:12:43,697 --> 00:12:45,163
I mentioned it once.
301
00:12:45,165 --> 00:12:46,164
He loves them.
302
00:12:46,166 --> 00:12:47,999
Maybe the four of us
could take a long weekend,
303
00:12:48,001 --> 00:12:49,701
rent a house on Lake Havasu.
304
00:12:49,703 --> 00:12:50,702
What do you say?
305
00:12:50,704 --> 00:12:52,604
I've always wanted
to go places.
306
00:12:52,606 --> 00:12:54,172
You know, I thought this
was gonna be weird,
307
00:12:54,174 --> 00:12:56,474
but it turns out you two
are just a normal couple.
308
00:12:56,476 --> 00:12:58,276
That's what I've been saying
all along.
309
00:12:58,278 --> 00:12:59,377
Isn't this great, babe?
310
00:12:59,379 --> 00:13:00,779
Yeah!
311
00:13:00,781 --> 00:13:03,214
No! I hate this!
What?
312
00:13:03,216 --> 00:13:06,050
Look, I don't want to be
a normal couple
313
00:13:06,052 --> 00:13:08,987
going on double dates
with Stan and Francine.
314
00:13:08,989 --> 00:13:12,123
What made it hot
was all the sneaking around.
315
00:13:12,125 --> 00:13:15,894
It was so wrong,
so dangerous, so taboo.
316
00:13:15,896 --> 00:13:18,496
But now you want me
to go hot-air ballooning
317
00:13:18,498 --> 00:13:21,032
with these two professional
boner killers?
318
00:13:21,034 --> 00:13:23,868
Sorry, boy, but I am out!
319
00:13:25,906 --> 00:13:27,572
We're still gonna have pesto,
right?
320
00:13:27,574 --> 00:13:30,542
BOTH:
Pesto! Pesto! Pesto!
321
00:13:35,348 --> 00:13:37,415
(sobbing)
322
00:13:37,417 --> 00:13:39,651
How could Klaus leave me?!
323
00:13:39,653 --> 00:13:42,187
Roger,
just have a look around.
324
00:13:42,189 --> 00:13:45,690
There are plenty
of other fish in the sea.
325
00:13:45,692 --> 00:13:47,725
I know you're proud of yourself
for coming up with that,
326
00:13:47,727 --> 00:13:49,494
but I just want Klaus back.
327
00:13:49,496 --> 00:13:52,864
Well, when you love someone,
you have to go after them.
328
00:13:52,866 --> 00:13:54,432
Is that how you got Stan?
329
00:13:54,434 --> 00:13:56,367
Bitch, I look like this.
330
00:13:56,369 --> 00:13:57,735
Homegirl don't chase.
331
00:13:57,737 --> 00:13:59,737
Homegirl gets chased.
332
00:13:59,739 --> 00:14:02,841
Klaus wanted taboo
and danger.
333
00:14:02,843 --> 00:14:04,042
I can give that to him.
334
00:14:04,044 --> 00:14:05,343
I'm gonna make this work.
335
00:14:05,345 --> 00:14:07,278
Homegirl
don't even have to work.
336
00:14:07,280 --> 00:14:10,882
Homegirl get that paper
all on her own.
337
00:14:10,884 --> 00:14:12,016
Stop that. You're white.
338
00:14:12,018 --> 00:14:14,085
I'm homegirl.
339
00:14:16,990 --> 00:14:19,691
This is nice.
Just the two of us bros.
340
00:14:19,693 --> 00:14:22,694
99 problems, but a chick
ain't one, am I right?
341
00:14:22,696 --> 00:14:24,095
Hit me.
342
00:14:24,097 --> 00:14:25,630
Hey, daddy.
343
00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:30,235
Welp, looks like you're in
the middle of something, so...
344
00:14:33,006 --> 00:14:34,806
It's finally done,
Klaus!
345
00:14:34,808 --> 00:14:37,108
My lawyer character
bribed my judge character
346
00:14:37,110 --> 00:14:39,611
to push the adoption paperwork
through the district courts.
347
00:14:39,613 --> 00:14:41,412
You officially adopted me!
348
00:14:41,414 --> 00:14:42,947
What are you talking about?
349
00:14:42,949 --> 00:14:44,749
Well, you said
you wanted taboo, right?
350
00:14:44,751 --> 00:14:46,251
Well, what's more taboo
351
00:14:46,253 --> 00:14:48,419
than making sexy
with your own daughter?
352
00:14:48,421 --> 00:14:51,055
Roger, this is sick.
353
00:14:51,057 --> 00:14:53,625
Look, we had fun,
but now it's over.
354
00:14:53,627 --> 00:14:55,393
Let's just go back
to being friends.
355
00:14:55,395 --> 00:14:57,495
No!
I thought you wanted this!
356
00:14:57,497 --> 00:14:59,230
We were supposed to be
a couple!
357
00:14:59,232 --> 00:15:01,566
We were gonna go yachting
and host game nights
358
00:15:01,568 --> 00:15:04,469
and argue over what religion
to raise our future child!
359
00:15:04,471 --> 00:15:05,904
Obviously Muslim!
360
00:15:05,906 --> 00:15:07,839
I can't do this, Klaus!
361
00:15:07,841 --> 00:15:10,174
I am not raising Mohammed
alone!
362
00:15:10,176 --> 00:15:11,976
(knock on door)
363
00:15:11,978 --> 00:15:15,179
Excuse me, but your neighbors
reported a noise complaint,
364
00:15:15,181 --> 00:15:16,581
and...
365
00:15:16,583 --> 00:15:19,183
they say they heard
the name Mohammed?
366
00:15:19,185 --> 00:15:22,420
Sorry, officer,
but everything's fine here.
367
00:15:22,422 --> 00:15:24,923
Everything's not fine!
He broke up with me!
368
00:15:24,925 --> 00:15:26,824
He won't sleep with me
anymore!
369
00:15:26,826 --> 00:15:27,825
Who's he?
370
00:15:27,827 --> 00:15:30,328
He's my father
and my lover!
371
00:15:30,330 --> 00:15:31,930
But I'm a fish!
372
00:15:31,932 --> 00:15:35,833
A sick fish who's going away
for a long time.
373
00:15:35,835 --> 00:15:37,468
Fine, take me to jail.
374
00:15:37,470 --> 00:15:39,971
As long
as I'm nowhere near her.
375
00:15:39,973 --> 00:15:42,273
Wait, I didn't mean for you
to take him away from me.
376
00:15:42,275 --> 00:15:44,609
No!
Oh, what have I done?!
377
00:15:44,611 --> 00:15:46,010
Klaus!
378
00:15:48,548 --> 00:15:51,783
Oh, my, I think
it's time you see a doctor.
379
00:15:51,785 --> 00:15:53,818
But I can't afford
to go to a doctor right now.
380
00:15:53,820 --> 00:15:54,986
I'm unemployed.
381
00:15:54,988 --> 00:15:57,555
I'm starting to think
you're not a student here.
382
00:15:57,557 --> 00:16:00,892
I'm getting
pretty suspicious myself.
383
00:16:00,894 --> 00:16:02,627
Nurse Margaret,
we need you.
384
00:16:02,629 --> 00:16:05,296
Some kid's losing it at
the Presidential Fitness Test.
385
00:16:05,298 --> 00:16:07,465
Jesus will rise again,
386
00:16:07,467 --> 00:16:10,668
and there's no room for sinners
in His kingdom!
387
00:16:10,670 --> 00:16:12,036
I taught him that!
388
00:16:12,038 --> 00:16:14,138
He's doing the classic
draft-dodging technique
389
00:16:14,140 --> 00:16:15,673
"Yelling About Jesus."
390
00:16:15,675 --> 00:16:16,674
(warbling)
391
00:16:16,676 --> 00:16:19,310
Son, I've seen
every trick in the book.
392
00:16:19,312 --> 00:16:22,814
You're doing the [warbling]
You're yelling about Jesus.
393
00:16:22,816 --> 00:16:26,517
But you're not gonna get out
of pull-ups by acting crazy.
394
00:16:26,519 --> 00:16:29,420
Now grab that bar!
395
00:16:29,422 --> 00:16:34,258
¶¶
396
00:16:34,260 --> 00:16:36,494
What's happening?
I can't see anything.
397
00:16:36,496 --> 00:16:38,262
But can you see
with your ears?
398
00:16:38,264 --> 00:16:39,931
Stop trying
to turn me into Daredevil.
399
00:16:39,933 --> 00:16:41,566
Grab that bar, Smith!
400
00:16:41,568 --> 00:16:44,535
No!
I will not be humiliated!
401
00:16:44,537 --> 00:16:45,703
(grunting)
402
00:16:45,705 --> 00:16:47,071
What are you doing there,
Smith?
403
00:16:47,073 --> 00:16:49,073
(grunting continues)
404
00:16:49,075 --> 00:16:50,708
Are you...?
405
00:16:50,710 --> 00:16:53,111
You wouldn't dare.
406
00:16:53,113 --> 00:16:54,245
(grunting stops)
407
00:16:54,247 --> 00:16:55,413
(all gasp)
408
00:16:55,415 --> 00:16:57,248
That boy
just pooed hisself!
409
00:16:57,250 --> 00:17:01,119
Smith, you're excused from
the Presidential Fitness Test.
410
00:17:01,121 --> 00:17:04,255
(sighs) And I did it
with my dignity intact.
411
00:17:04,257 --> 00:17:05,690
In all my years,
412
00:17:05,692 --> 00:17:09,260
I've never seen anyone
try to get out of pull-ups
413
00:17:09,262 --> 00:17:10,962
by soiling themselves.
414
00:17:10,964 --> 00:17:15,733
For that tremendous act
of courage, you deserve this.
415
00:17:15,735 --> 00:17:17,635
My medal for bravery.
416
00:17:17,637 --> 00:17:20,071
The President of El Pollo Loco
will be very pleased.
417
00:17:20,073 --> 00:17:22,440
He's the president I've been
referring to this whole time.
418
00:17:22,442 --> 00:17:24,709
ALL: Steve! Steve! Steve!
419
00:17:24,711 --> 00:17:25,977
(whistle blows)
420
00:17:25,979 --> 00:17:28,046
And now dropping
from the ceiling,
421
00:17:28,048 --> 00:17:30,815
El Pollo Loco's
new genetically modified,
422
00:17:30,817 --> 00:17:34,052
all-dark-meat chicken!
423
00:17:34,054 --> 00:17:35,920
ALL: Dark meat! Dark meat!
424
00:17:35,922 --> 00:17:39,757
Jeff, it sounds crazy, but I can
see the chicken with my ears.
425
00:17:39,759 --> 00:17:42,760
Babe, it doesn't sound crazy
at all.
426
00:17:42,762 --> 00:17:45,663
You're the new Daredevil!
I must be!
427
00:17:45,665 --> 00:17:48,499
I'm catching
so much chicken!
428
00:17:51,771 --> 00:17:54,105
This is nothing
like "Orange is the New Black."
429
00:17:54,107 --> 00:17:55,740
Where are all the babes?
430
00:17:55,742 --> 00:17:58,910
Please, my ex was one
of the hottest babes in history.
431
00:17:58,912 --> 00:18:00,578
She was crazy.
432
00:18:00,580 --> 00:18:03,314
Thank God I won't be seeing her
for a long time.
433
00:18:03,316 --> 00:18:06,651
Guess who got himself
arrested!
434
00:18:06,653 --> 00:18:08,986
Oh, donkey balls.
Uh, yes?
435
00:18:08,988 --> 00:18:10,755
No, not you,
Donkey Balls.
436
00:18:10,757 --> 00:18:14,659
I trust I'll see you at
rehearsals for "My Fair Lady."
437
00:18:14,661 --> 00:18:17,195
I knew
I couldn't be without you,
438
00:18:17,197 --> 00:18:19,964
so I started shooting
at passing cars on the highway.
439
00:18:19,966 --> 00:18:21,466
They didn't get me for that,
though.
440
00:18:21,468 --> 00:18:23,968
It was a pair of batting gloves
I stole from Modell's.
441
00:18:23,970 --> 00:18:26,938
Isn't that great?!
Now we can do it in prison!
442
00:18:26,940 --> 00:18:30,141
Move along, pal.
The fish is already taken.
443
00:18:30,143 --> 00:18:32,310
No!
Klaus is my man.
444
00:18:32,312 --> 00:18:34,846
Then I guess
you'll have to fight for him.
445
00:18:35,915 --> 00:18:37,014
Klaus is mine!
446
00:18:37,016 --> 00:18:38,983
Aah! Aah!
Stab yourself much?
447
00:18:38,985 --> 00:18:41,619
Roger, stop, please!
448
00:18:41,621 --> 00:18:43,121
No prison fights!
449
00:18:43,123 --> 00:18:44,856
You --
You're going to solitary.
450
00:18:44,858 --> 00:18:46,691
No, no, no, no, no, no!
I'm with Klaus!
451
00:18:46,693 --> 00:18:49,060
Please!
I can't be without him!
452
00:18:49,062 --> 00:18:52,497
All right! Looks like
I'm back on the market!
453
00:18:52,499 --> 00:18:56,167
Strike that!
Looks like I'm spoken for!
454
00:18:56,169 --> 00:18:59,237
¶¶
455
00:19:09,516 --> 00:19:12,583
¶¶
456
00:19:28,301 --> 00:19:30,768
(laughing)
457
00:19:39,045 --> 00:19:41,612
Now that Roger and Klaus
are coming home,
458
00:19:41,614 --> 00:19:44,215
do you think we'll have to
take sides in the break-up?
459
00:19:44,217 --> 00:19:46,784
Yes, and it's very important
we choose the same side.
460
00:19:46,786 --> 00:19:49,053
On the count of three,
say who you'd support.
461
00:19:49,055 --> 00:19:51,389
One, two, three.
462
00:19:51,391 --> 00:19:52,557
Roger.
Don't care.
463
00:19:56,863 --> 00:20:00,765
I don't want to talk about
what happened in prison.
464
00:20:00,767 --> 00:20:02,900
Uh-oh.
If Klaus is this bad,
465
00:20:02,902 --> 00:20:05,236
Roger's gonna be even worse
coming from solitary.
466
00:20:08,074 --> 00:20:09,807
Hey, guys.
Roger?
467
00:20:09,809 --> 00:20:12,777
You seem...okay.
Never been better.
468
00:20:12,779 --> 00:20:14,612
See, after a month
in solitary,
469
00:20:14,614 --> 00:20:17,114
I realized that
I was never in love with Klaus.
470
00:20:17,116 --> 00:20:18,950
I was just afraid
of being alone.
471
00:20:18,952 --> 00:20:21,719
But after being by myself
for 30 days straight,
472
00:20:21,721 --> 00:20:24,655
I learned that I'm never alone
with all the voices in my head.
473
00:20:24,657 --> 00:20:25,890
Isn't that right, Lucas?
474
00:20:25,892 --> 00:20:27,325
You're right, Roger.
475
00:20:27,327 --> 00:20:29,126
It took you a while
to forget about Klaus.
476
00:20:29,128 --> 00:20:31,996
But then you realized
you have me to fill the void.
477
00:20:31,998 --> 00:20:35,266
Lucas is my workout buddy.
He came to me in a night terror.
478
00:20:35,268 --> 00:20:36,667
(deep voice)
And you have me,
479
00:20:36,669 --> 00:20:39,337
sports commentator
and woman Mary Carrillo.
480
00:20:39,339 --> 00:20:41,973
Do not go in there!
481
00:20:41,975 --> 00:20:43,641
(normal voice)
That's Ace Ventura.
482
00:20:43,643 --> 00:20:46,244
Well, I'm just glad
everything's back to normal.
483
00:20:46,246 --> 00:20:47,945
Yep,
I'm no longer depressed,
484
00:20:47,947 --> 00:20:50,781
and Klaus and I will just be
friends again from now on.
485
00:20:50,783 --> 00:20:52,183
It's like
it never happened.
486
00:20:52,185 --> 00:20:53,618
That's big of you, Roger.
487
00:20:53,620 --> 00:20:55,419
(deep voice)
Game, set, and match.
488
00:20:55,421 --> 00:20:57,255
(shouting)
Somebody stop me!
489
00:20:57,257 --> 00:20:58,789
I'm Mask now!
490
00:20:58,791 --> 00:21:00,858
(normal voice) Guys, guys, don't
speak all at once.
491
00:21:00,860 --> 00:21:02,159
You're making me
sound crazy.
492
00:21:02,161 --> 00:21:04,161
Bye!
Have a beautiful time!
493
00:21:06,199 --> 00:21:07,999
-- Captions by VITAC --