1 00:00:04,839 --> 00:00:06,505 Why am I at this wedding? 2 00:00:06,507 --> 00:00:09,508 Stan, Dr. Kalgary's been our evil doctor 3 00:00:09,510 --> 00:00:11,510 ever since he tried to cut Steve's legs off. 4 00:00:11,512 --> 00:00:13,345 He delivered Jeff when Roger gave birth. 5 00:00:13,347 --> 00:00:15,381 And he's my best friend, Stan. 6 00:00:15,383 --> 00:00:17,016 Sounds like a real tool. 7 00:00:17,018 --> 00:00:19,518 Wow, packed house! 8 00:00:19,520 --> 00:00:22,921 I had no idea Dr. Kalgary was from such a big family. 9 00:00:22,923 --> 00:00:25,457 For us Germans, families are like areolas -- 10 00:00:25,459 --> 00:00:27,092 the bigger, the better. 11 00:00:27,094 --> 00:00:29,928 Whoa! Is that who I think it is? 12 00:00:29,930 --> 00:00:32,264 Excuse me. Pardon me. Excuse me. 13 00:00:32,266 --> 00:00:33,699 I'm sorry, I don't mean to be a bother, 14 00:00:33,701 --> 00:00:36,035 but aren't you on "American Pickers"? 15 00:00:36,037 --> 00:00:38,370 You're...the fat guy! 16 00:00:38,372 --> 00:00:39,605 I sure am! 17 00:00:39,607 --> 00:00:41,306 That's my favorite show! 18 00:00:41,308 --> 00:00:43,876 The way you guys find old people's valuable stuff 19 00:00:43,878 --> 00:00:45,878 they forgot about and just drive off with it, 20 00:00:45,880 --> 00:00:47,980 it's my dream to be an American Picker. 21 00:00:47,982 --> 00:00:51,116 Well, you don't have to dream. Anybody can be a picker! 22 00:00:51,118 --> 00:00:53,452 Hey, if you don't want to knight me as a picker, that's fine. 23 00:00:53,454 --> 00:00:55,120 But don't lie right to my face. 24 00:00:55,122 --> 00:00:57,723 (sighs) Fine. You're an American Picker. 25 00:00:57,725 --> 00:00:59,792 Yes! Can I make other people pickers? 26 00:00:59,794 --> 00:01:00,793 Sure. 27 00:01:00,795 --> 00:01:02,628 Picker...picker...goose! 28 00:01:02,630 --> 00:01:04,963 Can't catch me! (giggles) 29 00:01:04,965 --> 00:01:06,999 Is -- Is Dad leaving? 30 00:01:07,001 --> 00:01:08,734 Hmm, looks like it. 31 00:01:08,736 --> 00:01:11,270 Better show the goods. 32 00:01:11,272 --> 00:01:13,605 Mama needs a ride home. 33 00:01:15,543 --> 00:01:18,677 Marriage is the union of husband and wife. 34 00:01:18,679 --> 00:01:21,480 He's created so many monsters. 35 00:01:21,482 --> 00:01:25,250 Now it's time to create a family. 36 00:01:25,252 --> 00:01:27,252 What, are you work-shopping your speech right now? 37 00:01:27,254 --> 00:01:28,520 Shut the hell up, man! 38 00:01:28,522 --> 00:01:30,756 And now the ring. 39 00:01:32,693 --> 00:01:34,526 Very good, Billy. 40 00:01:41,769 --> 00:01:43,836 You may kiss the bride! 41 00:01:46,774 --> 00:01:48,640 (both moaning softly) 42 00:01:48,642 --> 00:01:52,511 Now I have a mommy to bathe me! 43 00:01:52,513 --> 00:01:55,013 (patriotic music plays) 44 00:01:55,015 --> 00:01:58,283 ¶ Good morning, U.S.A. ¶ 45 00:01:58,285 --> 00:02:01,653 ¶ I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day ¶ 46 00:02:01,655 --> 00:02:04,990 ¶ The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ¶ 47 00:02:04,992 --> 00:02:09,061 ¶ And he's shinin' a salute to the American race ¶ 48 00:02:10,898 --> 00:02:14,199 ¶ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ¶ 49 00:02:14,201 --> 00:02:16,502 ¶ Good -- ¶ ¶ Good morning, U.S.A. ¶ 50 00:02:16,504 --> 00:02:17,836 Aah! 51 00:02:19,073 --> 00:02:22,508 ¶ Good morning, U.S.A. ¶ 52 00:02:22,510 --> 00:02:26,145 ¶¶ 53 00:02:26,147 --> 00:02:28,013 Why did my best-man speech bomb? 54 00:02:28,015 --> 00:02:29,982 Was it the story of me and Kalgary 55 00:02:29,984 --> 00:02:32,918 bing-bonging that hooker or all the "Doctor Who" references? 56 00:02:32,920 --> 00:02:34,686 That wedding was today? 57 00:02:34,688 --> 00:02:36,488 Geez, would have been nice to get an invite. 58 00:02:36,490 --> 00:02:39,324 I invited you at breakfast, and you threw a banana at me. 59 00:02:39,326 --> 00:02:40,526 Ugh! 60 00:02:40,528 --> 00:02:42,494 Oh, what a night. 61 00:02:42,496 --> 00:02:43,929 I'm so bummed it's over. 62 00:02:43,931 --> 00:02:45,397 You really love a wedding, huh? 63 00:02:45,399 --> 00:02:47,900 Not at all. Churches give me the willies. 64 00:02:47,902 --> 00:02:51,103 God snooping on you like a big, ol' perv. 65 00:02:51,105 --> 00:02:54,773 I just love being part of a big family function. 66 00:02:54,775 --> 00:02:58,110 I've always dreamed of having a big family like that. 67 00:02:58,112 --> 00:02:59,545 What are you saying, Mama? 68 00:02:59,547 --> 00:03:01,013 Are we not enough for you? 69 00:03:01,015 --> 00:03:02,548 No, you guys are great -- 70 00:03:02,550 --> 00:03:05,584 a great start to the large family I wish I had. 71 00:03:05,586 --> 00:03:07,886 But Roger's like a ton of people all in one! 72 00:03:07,888 --> 00:03:10,189 None of my personas are family. 73 00:03:10,191 --> 00:03:13,392 Do you think this has anything to do with you being adopted? 74 00:03:13,394 --> 00:03:15,394 Being adopted... 75 00:03:15,396 --> 00:03:17,262 Is that something that affects people? 76 00:03:17,264 --> 00:03:19,198 Why don't you go to the adoption center 77 00:03:19,200 --> 00:03:20,566 and see what you can find. 78 00:03:20,568 --> 00:03:22,134 That's exactly what I should do! 79 00:03:22,136 --> 00:03:24,303 I adopted a highway once, 80 00:03:24,305 --> 00:03:27,873 so this is all hitting me on a deeply personal level. 81 00:03:27,875 --> 00:03:29,107 (glass shatters) 82 00:03:29,109 --> 00:03:31,577 ¶¶ 83 00:03:33,247 --> 00:03:34,880 Mom, what the hell?! 84 00:03:34,882 --> 00:03:36,215 Hayley, watch your language 85 00:03:36,217 --> 00:03:38,317 in front of your new brothers and sisters. 86 00:03:38,319 --> 00:03:41,587 This is Gus...Lily... 87 00:03:41,589 --> 00:03:43,589 Tooth-face... 88 00:03:43,591 --> 00:03:44,923 Amy Schumer -- 89 00:03:44,925 --> 00:03:47,092 Looks just like Amy Schumer, right? 90 00:03:47,094 --> 00:03:49,127 Tony Gama-Lobo... 91 00:03:49,129 --> 00:03:51,096 Ford Festiva... 92 00:03:51,098 --> 00:03:52,397 Slimer... 93 00:03:52,399 --> 00:03:54,433 Baby-oncé... 94 00:03:54,435 --> 00:03:56,268 Ass-Rash, and... 95 00:03:56,270 --> 00:03:58,670 [whispering] He Who Shall Not Be Named. 96 00:03:58,672 --> 00:04:01,139 Mom, I meant you should go to the adoption center 97 00:04:01,141 --> 00:04:03,141 and get your birth parents' information. 98 00:04:04,111 --> 00:04:07,279 Right! Right! No, I totally did that. 99 00:04:07,281 --> 00:04:09,014 These are just my friends. 100 00:04:13,787 --> 00:04:15,954 (humming) 101 00:04:15,956 --> 00:04:18,156 Really disappointing pick over at Greg's house 102 00:04:18,158 --> 00:04:19,658 while he was at work. 103 00:04:19,660 --> 00:04:21,827 All I could find was this copper wiring in his walls. 104 00:04:21,829 --> 00:04:24,496 I don't know this show, "American Pickers." 105 00:04:24,498 --> 00:04:26,365 I know "American Brickers." 106 00:04:26,367 --> 00:04:29,268 It's about losers who can't hit free-throws... 107 00:04:29,270 --> 00:04:33,005 like Shaq! (laughs) 108 00:04:33,007 --> 00:04:35,440 Here, I'll show ya. 109 00:04:35,442 --> 00:04:37,476 (upbeat music plays) This is ridiculous, Stan. 110 00:04:37,478 --> 00:04:40,145 They'll never find anything in that dusty barn. 111 00:04:40,147 --> 00:04:42,648 Holy moly! An old bike seat! 112 00:04:42,650 --> 00:04:44,449 It's not as easy as they make it look. 113 00:04:44,451 --> 00:04:45,984 I'm starting to think I shouldn't have quit 114 00:04:45,986 --> 00:04:47,519 my job at the CIA. 115 00:04:50,057 --> 00:04:52,291 Hi. 116 00:04:52,293 --> 00:04:55,294 I was here earlier. I don't know if you remember me. 117 00:04:55,296 --> 00:04:57,195 Of course we do! 118 00:04:57,197 --> 00:04:58,897 You did such an amazing thing, 119 00:04:58,899 --> 00:05:01,033 giving all those needy children a home. 120 00:05:01,035 --> 00:05:03,568 We were so impressed by your generosity 121 00:05:03,570 --> 00:05:06,004 that we put your picture on the wall. 122 00:05:06,006 --> 00:05:09,041 Oh! My LinkedIn profile pic. 123 00:05:09,043 --> 00:05:12,577 I actually need to talk to you, um...Francine? 124 00:05:12,579 --> 00:05:14,212 Wait, your name is Francine? 125 00:05:14,214 --> 00:05:17,416 Yep. After your amazing act of charity, 126 00:05:17,418 --> 00:05:20,419 all of us here decided to take your name. 127 00:05:20,421 --> 00:05:21,753 Hey, Francine! 128 00:05:21,755 --> 00:05:23,655 Me and Francine are going to lunch, 129 00:05:23,657 --> 00:05:25,557 but Francine is covering the phones. 130 00:05:25,559 --> 00:05:26,925 Thanks, Francine! 131 00:05:26,927 --> 00:05:29,561 Now, what can I do for you, Francine? 132 00:05:29,563 --> 00:05:31,897 Well, I don't know if you know this, 133 00:05:31,899 --> 00:05:35,067 but I was actually adopted myself. 134 00:05:35,069 --> 00:05:36,501 Ew, that sucks! 135 00:05:36,503 --> 00:05:39,604 Anyway, I was hoping I could get the phone number 136 00:05:39,606 --> 00:05:41,039 for my birth parents. 137 00:05:41,041 --> 00:05:44,176 For you, anything. 138 00:05:44,178 --> 00:05:47,679 Hmm...sad story, sad story, sad story, sad story. 139 00:05:47,681 --> 00:05:49,214 Oh, here ya go! 140 00:05:49,216 --> 00:05:51,283 Thank you! 141 00:05:51,285 --> 00:05:55,520 Well, I guess this humble hero will now go home 142 00:05:55,522 --> 00:05:58,290 and shape and mold the future. 143 00:06:05,332 --> 00:06:08,266 Wah! Wah! Wah! 144 00:06:08,268 --> 00:06:10,702 Nice try, Arnell. Get out. 145 00:06:10,704 --> 00:06:12,037 Wah?! 146 00:06:14,541 --> 00:06:16,608 (sighs deeply) 147 00:06:16,610 --> 00:06:18,777 (dialing) 148 00:06:18,779 --> 00:06:20,379 MAN: Hello? 149 00:06:20,381 --> 00:06:23,115 Dad? Mom? 150 00:06:23,117 --> 00:06:24,549 What? No. 151 00:06:24,551 --> 00:06:26,785 It's...Francine. 152 00:06:26,787 --> 00:06:29,755 Wait. Francine from the tire store, 153 00:06:29,757 --> 00:06:34,126 or Francine, the baby I gave away 40 years ago? 154 00:06:34,128 --> 00:06:36,428 'Cause if it's the one from the tire store, 155 00:06:36,430 --> 00:06:39,931 we have a lot of catching up to do! 156 00:06:44,772 --> 00:06:47,939 I only had a short phone call with my father, 157 00:06:47,941 --> 00:06:51,276 but when you're family, you connect on a whole other level. 158 00:06:51,278 --> 00:06:52,811 You guys wouldn't understand. 159 00:06:52,813 --> 00:06:55,480 We have a family -- this one! 160 00:06:55,482 --> 00:06:57,649 Hmm. How do I explain this. 161 00:06:57,651 --> 00:07:02,087 Okay, this is my origin story, like Batman. 162 00:07:02,089 --> 00:07:03,688 His parents were bats. 163 00:07:03,690 --> 00:07:06,458 Now I'm finding out where I came from. 164 00:07:06,460 --> 00:07:10,529 My whole extended family is gonna be at Dad's for a reunion. 165 00:07:10,531 --> 00:07:13,665 It's gonna be like my Fortress of Solitude. 166 00:07:13,667 --> 00:07:15,700 People everywhere. 167 00:07:19,139 --> 00:07:21,807 Oh, baby, this is the perfect place for a pick. 168 00:07:21,809 --> 00:07:24,176 You can just tell it's filled with old motorcycles 169 00:07:24,178 --> 00:07:26,178 and broken cigarette vending machines. 170 00:07:26,180 --> 00:07:27,612 (indistinct conversations) 171 00:07:27,614 --> 00:07:29,881 Dad? 172 00:07:29,883 --> 00:07:35,887 Hello, Francine. 173 00:07:35,889 --> 00:07:39,691 My darling daughter. My only child. 174 00:07:39,693 --> 00:07:41,960 It's so good to finally meet you. 175 00:07:41,962 --> 00:07:45,464 Oh, and these must be my granddaughters. 176 00:07:45,466 --> 00:07:47,532 Um, yes! Yes, they are! 177 00:07:47,534 --> 00:07:49,134 Mom! Just go with it! 178 00:07:49,136 --> 00:07:51,403 Hey, so glad you're here. 179 00:07:51,405 --> 00:07:54,306 But I gotta pop out and pay for the taco truck. 180 00:07:54,308 --> 00:07:56,041 Taco truck? 181 00:07:56,043 --> 00:07:58,577 Whoa! I think this guy's rich! 182 00:07:58,579 --> 00:08:01,179 Well, if it isn't the long-lost daughter. 183 00:08:01,181 --> 00:08:02,647 We all know your game. 184 00:08:02,649 --> 00:08:04,483 Obviously here to weasel your way into the will 185 00:08:04,485 --> 00:08:06,651 now that Nicholas is getting up there in age. 186 00:08:06,653 --> 00:08:08,320 It's clear that you need the money. 187 00:08:08,322 --> 00:08:09,387 Look at your husband. 188 00:08:12,359 --> 00:08:16,228 Damn. I thought there'd be candy or a little homey inside here. 189 00:08:16,230 --> 00:08:17,896 I got my eye on you. 190 00:08:19,766 --> 00:08:22,033 You're a piece of shit. 191 00:08:24,671 --> 00:08:26,905 I have to apologize for your cousin Janet. 192 00:08:26,907 --> 00:08:29,741 Trust me, we're not all that bad. (chuckles) 193 00:08:29,743 --> 00:08:31,676 I think you'll really like the rest of us. 194 00:08:31,678 --> 00:08:34,846 Well, besides Nicholas' gross cat, Marmalade. 195 00:08:34,848 --> 00:08:36,781 (purring) 196 00:08:43,156 --> 00:08:44,756 (gagging) 197 00:08:44,758 --> 00:08:46,291 On the hardwood, Marmalade! 198 00:08:46,293 --> 00:08:48,894 Do it on the hardwood! 199 00:08:48,896 --> 00:08:51,062 Oh, Marmalade. 200 00:08:54,701 --> 00:08:59,571 I'm so glad you could all make it to the Dawson Family Reunion. 201 00:08:59,573 --> 00:09:03,441 Especially my long-lost daughter, Francine. 202 00:09:03,443 --> 00:09:06,945 Ah, I wish your mother could be here. 203 00:09:06,947 --> 00:09:09,781 Ooh. Had I mentioned she was dead? 204 00:09:09,783 --> 00:09:11,550 Car crash. 205 00:09:11,552 --> 00:09:14,886 She saw a car crash and had a heart attack. 206 00:09:14,888 --> 00:09:16,721 Got her to the hospital in time, 207 00:09:16,723 --> 00:09:20,091 but then she picked up a flesh-eating virus. 208 00:09:20,093 --> 00:09:21,760 She beat it. 209 00:09:21,762 --> 00:09:23,795 She was a fighter. 210 00:09:23,797 --> 00:09:26,131 Hanged herself upstairs. 211 00:09:26,133 --> 00:09:29,467 Little picker's tip -- Where there's rope, there's treasure. 212 00:09:29,469 --> 00:09:33,271 Oh, and, guys, now, I know I sound like a broken record, 213 00:09:33,273 --> 00:09:39,177 but please, please log your phones onto the house's Wi-Fi. 214 00:09:39,179 --> 00:09:41,246 I pay for our family plan, 215 00:09:41,248 --> 00:09:44,015 and you're killing me with the data charges! 216 00:09:44,017 --> 00:09:47,018 Don't test me on this. 217 00:09:47,020 --> 00:09:49,988 The password is "pussy gourmand." No space. 218 00:09:49,990 --> 00:09:51,356 Mama? 219 00:09:51,358 --> 00:09:53,792 The man said someone died upstairs. 220 00:09:53,794 --> 00:09:56,428 What if I see a g-g-g-ghost? 221 00:09:56,430 --> 00:09:58,096 I don't know, Steve. 222 00:09:58,098 --> 00:10:00,966 You'll probably p-p-p-piss your pants. 223 00:10:00,968 --> 00:10:02,934 Now, go mingle, you guys! 224 00:10:02,936 --> 00:10:05,503 Meet your big family. 225 00:10:07,140 --> 00:10:08,673 So, you're the cat, huh? 226 00:10:08,675 --> 00:10:10,175 Meow. 227 00:10:10,177 --> 00:10:11,610 God bless ya, you commit. 228 00:10:15,215 --> 00:10:17,482 Come on, vintage motorcycle! 229 00:10:17,484 --> 00:10:22,554 Ugh! These weapons are all brand-new -- unpickable! 230 00:10:23,991 --> 00:10:27,125 Aww, creepy surveillance equipment. 231 00:10:28,128 --> 00:10:30,195 A carpeted bathroom? 232 00:10:30,197 --> 00:10:32,397 This guy's a real nut job. 233 00:10:34,067 --> 00:10:36,201 Yeah, making a picture of my mom, 234 00:10:36,203 --> 00:10:38,236 'cause we have such a special bond. 235 00:10:38,238 --> 00:10:40,805 Hey, buddy, can you pass the tortellini? 236 00:10:40,807 --> 00:10:43,508 My mom has the most amazing tortellini eyes. 237 00:10:43,510 --> 00:10:46,311 (laughter) 238 00:10:46,313 --> 00:10:48,880 Wait, all of you get Jack Nicholson 239 00:10:48,882 --> 00:10:51,349 and Jack Nicklaus confused, too?! 240 00:10:51,351 --> 00:10:53,218 Must run in the family! 241 00:10:53,220 --> 00:10:56,354 I have a little trick -- Jack Nicholson invented 242 00:10:56,356 --> 00:11:00,659 the Arnold Palmer on the set of "Godfathers." 243 00:11:00,661 --> 00:11:03,762 Oh, hey! I love that macaroni art. 244 00:11:03,764 --> 00:11:05,597 Mom, what do you think of mine?! 245 00:11:05,599 --> 00:11:06,898 Mom?! Mom?! 246 00:11:06,900 --> 00:11:09,534 Special bond, huh? 247 00:11:12,372 --> 00:11:14,039 Mmm! Mmm! 248 00:11:14,041 --> 00:11:15,373 How's this feel? 249 00:11:15,375 --> 00:11:16,608 You like this? 250 00:11:16,610 --> 00:11:18,243 I'm eating your art. 251 00:11:18,245 --> 00:11:21,212 That's not mine. This is mine. 252 00:11:21,214 --> 00:11:22,914 (sighs) 253 00:11:37,164 --> 00:11:38,530 Long day? 254 00:11:38,532 --> 00:11:40,465 It's been a real grind lately. 255 00:11:40,467 --> 00:11:41,966 Used to be a great gig, 256 00:11:41,968 --> 00:11:44,636 but Nicholas has become a miser in his old age. 257 00:11:44,638 --> 00:11:47,138 I used to get these cans, the wet food -- 258 00:11:47,140 --> 00:11:49,641 Turkey and peas, chicken with gravy, 259 00:11:49,643 --> 00:11:51,409 this tuna one that was out of sight. 260 00:11:51,411 --> 00:11:53,311 But now all I get is the dry crap. 261 00:11:53,313 --> 00:11:54,312 It's driving me... 262 00:12:04,157 --> 00:12:05,623 ...crazy. 263 00:12:05,625 --> 00:12:07,892 And don't even get me started with my cat tower. 264 00:12:07,894 --> 00:12:09,260 The thing is 10 years old. 265 00:12:09,262 --> 00:12:10,795 I [bleep] shredded that thing. 266 00:12:10,797 --> 00:12:12,163 I get my revenge, though. 267 00:12:12,165 --> 00:12:13,998 I've been peeing on his baseball cards. 268 00:12:14,000 --> 00:12:15,333 This all sounds like a lot of work. 269 00:12:15,335 --> 00:12:17,469 Oh, this is my lowest maintenance character. 270 00:12:17,471 --> 00:12:19,471 The only hard part is chopping up my dumps 271 00:12:19,473 --> 00:12:21,740 into cat-sized pieces. 272 00:12:23,276 --> 00:12:25,944 (laughter) 273 00:12:25,946 --> 00:12:29,614 Hey! We all pretend laugh the exact same way! 274 00:12:29,616 --> 00:12:31,616 (laughter) 275 00:12:31,618 --> 00:12:32,851 Mom, can we go? 276 00:12:32,853 --> 00:12:34,185 Yeah, Uncle Paul keeps asking me 277 00:12:34,187 --> 00:12:35,920 to stir his chardonnay with my finger. 278 00:12:35,922 --> 00:12:38,523 Go? This is my family. 279 00:12:38,525 --> 00:12:39,791 Why don't you go? 280 00:12:39,793 --> 00:12:41,626 I can't believe what I'm hearing! 281 00:12:41,628 --> 00:12:43,294 You're choosing them over us? 282 00:12:43,296 --> 00:12:46,698 Only for the weekend, or longer if they'll have me. 283 00:12:50,904 --> 00:12:54,339 They say a large family is a blessing. 284 00:12:54,341 --> 00:12:58,042 But they, obviously, never had to foot the bill 285 00:12:58,044 --> 00:13:00,612 for a large family's data plan. 286 00:13:00,614 --> 00:13:03,815 And I told you not to test me. 287 00:13:03,817 --> 00:13:05,683 Oh, God, did I tell you. 288 00:13:05,685 --> 00:13:08,219 I told you in every way I could think of. 289 00:13:08,221 --> 00:13:10,221 So, what do we do about it? 290 00:13:11,625 --> 00:13:15,627 Well, firstly, all your phones are cut off. 291 00:13:15,629 --> 00:13:17,829 (gasping) 292 00:13:17,831 --> 00:13:22,167 And, secondly, you will all be trapped on the property 293 00:13:22,169 --> 00:13:24,302 and forced to kill each other 294 00:13:24,304 --> 00:13:26,905 until there is only one survivor, 295 00:13:26,907 --> 00:13:30,241 who I will welcome back with open arms 296 00:13:30,243 --> 00:13:33,178 to the family phone plan. 297 00:13:33,180 --> 00:13:35,747 A battle...to the death! 298 00:13:35,749 --> 00:13:38,383 (chuckles) This is a joke, right? 299 00:13:38,385 --> 00:13:40,652 Now, to get the ball rolling, 300 00:13:40,654 --> 00:13:43,888 I've set out a sumptuous buffet of weapons. 301 00:13:43,890 --> 00:13:45,990 Oh, and 10 minutes left on the taco truck. 302 00:13:45,992 --> 00:13:47,492 These things are real! 303 00:13:47,494 --> 00:13:49,561 He actually expects us to kill each other. 304 00:13:49,563 --> 00:13:51,529 This time, the old man's gone too far! 305 00:13:51,531 --> 00:13:54,766 And I, for one, refuse to play his game! 306 00:13:57,337 --> 00:13:58,770 (all gasp) 307 00:13:58,772 --> 00:14:01,239 That was an accident. Let's all stay calm. 308 00:14:01,241 --> 00:14:02,907 There's no need to lose our heads. 309 00:14:02,909 --> 00:14:04,442 (all gasp) 310 00:14:06,780 --> 00:14:09,247 Game on! Kill or be killed! 311 00:14:09,249 --> 00:14:12,183 (all screaming) 312 00:14:12,185 --> 00:14:14,052 (munching) 313 00:14:19,192 --> 00:14:20,792 (sighs) 314 00:14:20,861 --> 00:14:22,427 (crunching) 315 00:14:26,867 --> 00:14:29,367 New...account. 316 00:14:30,670 --> 00:14:32,036 New account! 317 00:14:32,038 --> 00:14:33,571 Screw this. I'm hanging up! 318 00:14:33,573 --> 00:14:38,776 No, Nicholas, don't do anything crazy. 319 00:14:38,778 --> 00:14:40,144 Help! 320 00:14:40,146 --> 00:14:41,880 Somebody, please! 321 00:14:43,583 --> 00:14:48,152 Sarah, Patrick, Aunt Jesse, we don't have to do this. 322 00:14:48,154 --> 00:14:49,821 After you kill me, what? 323 00:14:49,823 --> 00:14:51,389 You turn on each other? 324 00:14:51,391 --> 00:14:53,124 Oh, my God. 325 00:14:53,126 --> 00:14:54,459 She's right. 326 00:14:54,461 --> 00:14:55,894 Well, well, well! 327 00:14:55,896 --> 00:14:58,096 Looks like everybody's in agreement, 328 00:14:58,098 --> 00:15:00,765 just like that Christmas we agreed no presents, 329 00:15:00,767 --> 00:15:02,800 but what was under the tree? 330 00:15:02,869 --> 00:15:06,137 An ice cream maker for ol' Aunt Jesse. 331 00:15:06,139 --> 00:15:08,907 Made me feel like a real turd. 332 00:15:13,380 --> 00:15:16,014 ¶¶ 333 00:15:17,417 --> 00:15:19,784 Wait. I'm not on their family plan. 334 00:15:19,786 --> 00:15:21,185 I can call Stan! 335 00:15:21,187 --> 00:15:22,287 (gasps) 336 00:15:26,927 --> 00:15:27,992 (gasps) 337 00:15:30,864 --> 00:15:32,597 ALL: ¶ Tweedily-deedly-deedly-dee ¶ 338 00:15:32,599 --> 00:15:33,765 ¶ Tweedily-deedly-deedly-dee ¶ 339 00:15:33,767 --> 00:15:35,099 ¶ Tweedily-deedly-deedly-dee ¶ 340 00:15:35,101 --> 00:15:36,267 ¶ Tweedily-deedly-deedly-dee ¶ 341 00:15:36,269 --> 00:15:37,669 ¶ Tweedily-deedly-deedly-dee ¶ 342 00:15:37,671 --> 00:15:38,836 ¶ Tweedily-deedly-deedly-dee ¶ 343 00:15:38,838 --> 00:15:41,372 ¶ Tweet, tweet, tweet-tweet ¶ 344 00:15:41,374 --> 00:15:44,175 ¶ He rocks in the tree tops all day long ¶ 345 00:15:44,177 --> 00:15:46,844 ¶ Hoppin' and a-boppin' and a-singing his song ¶ 346 00:15:46,846 --> 00:15:49,514 ¶ All the little birds on Jaybird Street ¶ 347 00:15:49,516 --> 00:15:51,149 ¶ Love to hear the robin go ¶ 348 00:15:51,151 --> 00:15:52,183 ¶ Tweet, tweet, tweet ¶ 349 00:15:52,185 --> 00:15:53,718 ¶ Rockin' Robert ¶ 350 00:15:53,720 --> 00:15:55,486 What? I thought we were doing "Rockin' Robin." 351 00:15:55,488 --> 00:15:59,390 No, this is my extremely mild parody, "Rockin' Robert." 352 00:15:59,392 --> 00:16:01,893 It's Francine, right? 353 00:16:01,895 --> 00:16:04,996 No matter. You won't be around much longer. 354 00:16:04,998 --> 00:16:08,032 Quick pitch -- Instead of shooting me, 355 00:16:08,034 --> 00:16:10,802 we all take a trip to Jackson Hole! 356 00:16:12,339 --> 00:16:14,906 (grunting) I...think you want to -- 357 00:16:14,908 --> 00:16:17,308 I know how to load a crossbow! 358 00:16:19,579 --> 00:16:21,479 Hyah! 359 00:16:21,481 --> 00:16:24,582 ¶¶ 360 00:16:24,584 --> 00:16:25,683 Hey, Franny. 361 00:16:25,685 --> 00:16:27,218 Roger! Thank God! 362 00:16:27,220 --> 00:16:29,420 I need your help! I need yours, too. 363 00:16:29,422 --> 00:16:30,755 Hunting for the wet food. 364 00:16:30,757 --> 00:16:32,557 I know he's got it in here somewhere. 365 00:16:32,559 --> 00:16:34,859 We're looking for that Hills Science Diet. 366 00:16:34,861 --> 00:16:36,761 Keeps my U.T.I. in check. 367 00:16:37,697 --> 00:16:39,063 Roger, do something! 368 00:16:40,667 --> 00:16:41,833 (sneezes) 369 00:16:41,835 --> 00:16:43,334 Oh, that stupid cat! 370 00:16:43,336 --> 00:16:44,335 (sneezes) 371 00:16:44,337 --> 00:16:47,605 My damn allergies! 372 00:16:47,607 --> 00:16:49,107 (sneezes) 373 00:16:49,109 --> 00:16:51,909 Screw this. I'm killing the cat first! 374 00:16:51,911 --> 00:16:53,845 (sneezing) 375 00:17:01,054 --> 00:17:02,053 Gotcha! 376 00:17:02,055 --> 00:17:03,121 (sneezes) 377 00:17:03,123 --> 00:17:04,789 Thank you. Okay, come on! 378 00:17:04,791 --> 00:17:06,524 We got to get to the north lawn right now! 379 00:17:06,526 --> 00:17:08,259 Is it safe there? 380 00:17:08,261 --> 00:17:10,628 No, very dangerous. Wide open. We'll be sitting ducks. 381 00:17:10,630 --> 00:17:12,697 But there's a tree that I like to sit next to 382 00:17:12,699 --> 00:17:14,132 and stare out into nothingness 383 00:17:14,134 --> 00:17:16,100 for three or four hours every day. 384 00:17:16,102 --> 00:17:18,302 Cats are ridiculous. 385 00:17:21,141 --> 00:17:23,207 (chopping noises and family screaming) 386 00:17:23,209 --> 00:17:24,942 (chainsaw whirring) 387 00:17:24,944 --> 00:17:29,380 This is probably suicide to stand up here, but I don't care! 388 00:17:29,382 --> 00:17:33,651 We are family! Surely we don't want to kill each other! 389 00:17:33,653 --> 00:17:35,553 (distorted) Well, that's only one opinion! 390 00:17:36,823 --> 00:17:38,489 What the hell are you doing?! 391 00:17:38,491 --> 00:17:40,825 Why did you save me? I thought you hated me. 392 00:17:40,827 --> 00:17:42,627 I'm a bitch, not a monster. 393 00:17:42,629 --> 00:17:44,829 We're screwed! No, we're not. 394 00:17:44,831 --> 00:17:46,164 I have a secret weapon. 395 00:17:46,166 --> 00:17:49,233 You do? Is it a giant laser beam? 396 00:17:49,235 --> 00:17:51,402 I never told you what I did for a living. 397 00:17:51,404 --> 00:17:53,571 I'm an Avon lady. 398 00:17:53,573 --> 00:17:56,808 (dramatic music plays) 399 00:18:02,749 --> 00:18:07,485 FRANCINE: So, if I get five people to join under me... 400 00:18:07,487 --> 00:18:10,288 Then they're your chain, but they're also part of my chain. 401 00:18:10,290 --> 00:18:12,190 Okay, this is confusing. 402 00:18:12,192 --> 00:18:14,525 I'm just gonna give you all my credit cards. 403 00:18:24,704 --> 00:18:27,972 I went to a picnic, and I brought apples, boners... 404 00:18:27,974 --> 00:18:29,107 (both laugh) 405 00:18:29,109 --> 00:18:30,775 ...candy, diarrhea... 406 00:18:30,777 --> 00:18:33,044 (both laugh) 407 00:18:33,046 --> 00:18:34,712 (beep) 408 00:18:34,714 --> 00:18:38,516 That's odd. Francine's never used this much data before. 409 00:18:38,518 --> 00:18:40,885 Yeah, I don't think Mom even knows she has a smartphone. 410 00:18:40,887 --> 00:18:43,454 She thinks Bluetooth is a legendary pirate. 411 00:18:43,456 --> 00:18:45,790 I'm gonna call her to make sure everything is okay. 412 00:18:48,895 --> 00:18:50,394 (ringing) 413 00:18:55,168 --> 00:18:58,903 You got Derrick, and please tell me you are fine as hell. 414 00:18:58,905 --> 00:19:01,372 From the ground up! Now, where the hell's my wife?! 415 00:19:01,374 --> 00:19:03,841 Uh, she probably deceased. 416 00:19:03,843 --> 00:19:05,309 (engine revs, tires squeal) 417 00:19:05,311 --> 00:19:07,845 What is happening?! 418 00:19:07,847 --> 00:19:11,048 ¶¶ 419 00:19:15,088 --> 00:19:17,989 Uncle Nicholas, I'm the last one! 420 00:19:17,991 --> 00:19:19,657 I've killed everyone! 421 00:19:19,659 --> 00:19:23,427 Finally, it's my time to shine! 422 00:19:27,934 --> 00:19:29,700 No, it can't be! 423 00:19:29,702 --> 00:19:31,936 Now I have no family! 424 00:19:31,938 --> 00:19:34,205 Where did I go wrong?! 425 00:19:34,207 --> 00:19:36,707 Oh, no! I'm too late! 426 00:19:36,709 --> 00:19:39,010 (sobbing) 427 00:19:40,980 --> 00:19:45,016 Dry those bitch tears and tongue kiss me, you big galoot. 428 00:19:45,018 --> 00:19:47,285 Francine! You're alive! 429 00:19:47,287 --> 00:19:49,787 Janet just made us up to look like we were dead. 430 00:19:49,789 --> 00:19:52,590 (dramatic music plays) 431 00:19:52,592 --> 00:19:55,193 I'm so sorry I wasn't appreciative 432 00:19:55,195 --> 00:19:57,228 of my perfect small family. 433 00:19:57,230 --> 00:19:59,297 You're the only family I need, 434 00:19:59,299 --> 00:20:01,566 and the only one I'll ever have, 435 00:20:01,568 --> 00:20:03,801 because everyone else is dead. 436 00:20:03,803 --> 00:20:06,037 Oh, except for my new cousin, Janet. 437 00:20:06,039 --> 00:20:07,538 So, I'll need the money up front 438 00:20:07,540 --> 00:20:09,874 for those four cases of Summer Skin-Sation we -- 439 00:20:09,876 --> 00:20:12,977 Oh, God, no. That was just bush talk. 440 00:20:12,979 --> 00:20:15,880 We're gonna have to figure out a new way home. 441 00:20:15,882 --> 00:20:17,748 Oh, my God! A barn! 442 00:20:18,685 --> 00:20:20,818 I think we're gonna be all right. 443 00:20:20,820 --> 00:20:23,721 Because every episode of "American Pickers" ends with... 444 00:20:25,925 --> 00:20:31,128 ...them finding Indian motorcycles in a barn! 445 00:20:32,932 --> 00:20:37,635 Well, at least I still have you, Marmalade, 446 00:20:37,637 --> 00:20:40,438 and your delicious cat food. 447 00:20:42,442 --> 00:20:44,642 Mmm! Ugh. 448 00:20:48,514 --> 00:20:51,115 You're really shedding badly, Marmalade. 449 00:20:51,117 --> 00:20:54,785 Maybe I should put you back on the wet food. 450 00:20:54,787 --> 00:20:57,622 ¶ These happy days are your and mine ¶ 451 00:20:57,624 --> 00:21:02,159 ¶ These happy days are yours and mine, happy days ¶ 452 00:21:02,161 --> 00:21:04,161 Have a great night. 453 00:21:06,199 --> 00:21:07,999 -- Captions by VITAC --