Why am I at this wedding?
Stan, Dr. Kalgary's been our evil doctor
ever since he tried to cut Steve's legs off.
He delivered Jeff when Roger gave birth.
And he's my best friend, Stan.
Sounds like a real tool.
Wow, packed house!
I had no idea Dr. Kalgary was from such a big family.
For us Germans, families are like areolas --
the bigger, the better.
Whoa! Is that who I think it is?
Excuse me. Pardon me. Excuse me.
I'm sorry, I don't mean to be a bother,
but aren't you on "American Pickers"?
You're...the fat guy!
I sure am!
That's my favorite show!
The way you guys find old people's valuable stuff
they forgot about and just drive off with it,
it's my dream to be an American Picker.
Well, you don't have to dream. Anybody can be a picker!
Hey, if you don't want to knight me as a picker, that's fine.
But don't lie right to my face.
(sighs) Fine. You're an American Picker.
Yes! Can I make other people pickers?
Sure.
Picker...picker...goose!
Can't catch me! (giggles)
Is -- Is Dad leaving?
Hmm, looks like it.
Better show the goods.
Mama needs a ride home.
Marriage is the union of husband and wife.
He's created so many monsters.
Now it's time to create a family.
What, are you work-shopping your speech right now?
Shut the hell up, man!
And now the ring.
Very good, Billy.
You may kiss the bride!
(both moaning softly)
Now I have a mommy to bathe me!
(patriotic music plays)
¶ Good morning, U.S.A. ¶
¶ I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day ¶
¶ The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ¶
¶ And he's shinin' a salute to the American race ¶
¶ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ¶
¶ Good -- ¶ ¶ Good morning, U.S.A. ¶
Aah!
¶ Good morning, U.S.A. ¶
¶¶
Why did my best-man speech bomb?
Was it the story of me and Kalgary
bing-bonging that hooker or all the "Doctor Who" references?
That wedding was today?
Geez, would have been nice to get an invite.
I invited you at breakfast, and you threw a banana at me.
Ugh!
Oh, what a night.
I'm so bummed it's over.
You really love a wedding, huh?
Not at all. Churches give me the willies.
God snooping on you like a big, ol' perv.
I just love being part of a big family function.
I've always dreamed of having a big family like that.
What are you saying, Mama?
Are we not enough for you?
No, you guys are great --
a great start to the large family I wish I had.
But Roger's like a ton of people all in one!
None of my personas are family.
Do you think this has anything to do with you being adopted?
Being adopted...
Is that something that affects people?
Why don't you go to the adoption center
and see what you can find.
That's exactly what I should do!
I adopted a highway once,
so this is all hitting me on a deeply personal level.
(glass shatters)
¶¶
Mom, what the hell?!
Hayley, watch your language
in front of your new brothers and sisters.
This is Gus...Lily...
Tooth-face...
Amy Schumer --
Looks just like Amy Schumer, right?
Tony Gama-Lobo...
Ford Festiva...
Slimer...
Baby-oncé...
Ass-Rash, and...
[whispering] He Who Shall Not Be Named.
Mom, I meant you should go to the adoption center
and get your birth parents' information.
Right! Right! No, I totally did that.
These are just my friends.
(humming)
Really disappointing pick over at Greg's house
while he was at work.
All I could find was this copper wiring in his walls.
I don't know this show, "American Pickers."
I know "American Brickers."
It's about losers who can't hit free-throws...
like Shaq! (laughs)
Here, I'll show ya.
(upbeat music plays) This is ridiculous, Stan.
They'll never find anything in that dusty barn.
Holy moly! An old bike seat!
It's not as easy as they make it look.
I'm starting to think I shouldn't have quit
my job at the CIA.
Hi.
I was here earlier. I don't know if you remember me.
Of course we do!
You did such an amazing thing,
giving all those needy children a home.
We were so impressed by your generosity
that we put your picture on the wall.
Oh! My LinkedIn profile pic.
I actually need to talk to you, um...Francine?
Wait, your name is Francine?
Yep. After your amazing act of charity,
all of us here decided to take your name.
Hey, Francine!
Me and Francine are going to lunch,
but Francine is covering the phones.
Thanks, Francine!
Now, what can I do for you, Francine?
Well, I don't know if you know this,
but I was actually adopted myself.
Ew, that sucks!
Anyway, I was hoping I could get the phone number
for my birth parents.
For you, anything.
Hmm...sad story, sad story, sad story, sad story.
Oh, here ya go!
Thank you!
Well, I guess this humble hero will now go home
and shape and mold the future.
Wah! Wah! Wah!
Nice try, Arnell. Get out.
Wah?!
(sighs deeply)
(dialing)
MAN: Hello?
Dad? Mom?
What? No.
It's...Francine.
Wait. Francine from the tire store,
or Francine, the baby I gave away 40 years ago?
'Cause if it's the one from the tire store,
we have a lot of catching up to do!
I only had a short phone call with my father,
but when you're family, you connect on a whole other level.
You guys wouldn't understand.
We have a family -- this one!
Hmm. How do I explain this.
Okay, this is my origin story, like Batman.
His parents were bats.
Now I'm finding out where I came from.
My whole extended family is gonna be at Dad's for a reunion.
It's gonna be like my Fortress of Solitude.
People everywhere.
Oh, baby, this is the perfect place for a pick.
You can just tell it's filled with old motorcycles
and broken cigarette vending machines.
(indistinct conversations)
Dad?
Hello, Francine.
My darling daughter. My only child.
It's so good to finally meet you.
Oh, and these must be my granddaughters.
Um, yes! Yes, they are!
Mom! Just go with it!
Hey, so glad you're here.
But I gotta pop out and pay for the taco truck.
Taco truck?
Whoa! I think this guy's rich!
Well, if it isn't the long-lost daughter.
We all know your game.
Obviously here to weasel your way into the will
now that Nicholas is getting up there in age.
It's clear that you need the money.
Look at your husband.
Damn. I thought there'd be candy or a little homey inside here.
I got my eye on you.
You're a piece of shit.
I have to apologize for your cousin Janet.
Trust me, we're not all that bad. (chuckles)
I think you'll really like the rest of us.
Well, besides Nicholas' gross cat, Marmalade.
(purring)
(gagging)
On the hardwood, Marmalade!
Do it on the hardwood!
Oh, Marmalade.
I'm so glad you could all make it to the Dawson Family Reunion.
Especially my long-lost daughter, Francine.
Ah, I wish your mother could be here.
Ooh. Had I mentioned she was dead?
Car crash.
She saw a car crash and had a heart attack.
Got her to the hospital in time,
but then she picked up a flesh-eating virus.
She beat it.
She was a fighter.
Hanged herself upstairs.
Little picker's tip -- Where there's rope, there's treasure.
Oh, and, guys, now, I know I sound like a broken record,
but please, please log your phones onto the house's Wi-Fi.
I pay for our family plan,
and you're killing me with the data charges!
Don't test me on this.
The password is "pussy gourmand." No space.
Mama?
The man said someone died upstairs.
What if I see a g-g-g-ghost?
I don't know, Steve.
You'll probably p-p-p-piss your pants.
Now, go mingle, you guys!
Meet your big family.
So, you're the cat, huh?
Meow.
God bless ya, you commit.
Come on, vintage motorcycle!
Ugh! These weapons are all brand-new -- unpickable!
Aww, creepy surveillance equipment.
A carpeted bathroom?
This guy's a real nut job.
Yeah, making a picture of my mom,
'cause we have such a special bond.
Hey, buddy, can you pass the tortellini?
My mom has the most amazing tortellini eyes.
(laughter)
Wait, all of you get Jack Nicholson
and Jack Nicklaus confused, too?!
Must run in the family!
I have a little trick -- Jack Nicholson invented
the Arnold Palmer on the set of "Godfathers."
Oh, hey! I love that macaroni art.
Mom, what do you think of mine?!
Mom?! Mom?!
Special bond, huh?
Mmm! Mmm!
How's this feel?
You like this?
I'm eating your art.
That's not mine. This is mine.
(sighs)
Long day?
It's been a real grind lately.
Used to be a great gig,
but Nicholas has become a miser in his old age.
I used to get these cans, the wet food --
Turkey and peas, chicken with gravy,
this tuna one that was out of sight.
But now all I get is the dry crap.
It's driving me...
...crazy.
And don't even get me started with my cat tower.
The thing is 10 years old.
I [bleep] shredded that thing.
I get my revenge, though.
I've been peeing on his baseball cards.
This all sounds like a lot of work.
Oh, this is my lowest maintenance character.
The only hard part is chopping up my dumps
into cat-sized pieces.
(laughter)
Hey! We all pretend laugh the exact same way!
(laughter)
Mom, can we go?
Yeah, Uncle Paul keeps asking me
to stir his chardonnay with my finger.
Go? This is my family.
Why don't you go?
I can't believe what I'm hearing!
You're choosing them over us?
Only for the weekend, or longer if they'll have me.
They say a large family is a blessing.
But they, obviously, never had to foot the bill
for a large family's data plan.
And I told you not to test me.
Oh, God, did I tell you.
I told you in every way I could think of.
So, what do we do about it?
Well, firstly, all your phones are cut off.
(gasping)
And, secondly, you will all be trapped on the property
and forced to kill each other
until there is only one survivor,
who I will welcome back with open arms
to the family phone plan.
A battle...to the death!
(chuckles) This is a joke, right?
Now, to get the ball rolling,
I've set out a sumptuous buffet of weapons.
Oh, and 10 minutes left on the taco truck.
These things are real!
He actually expects us to kill each other.
This time, the old man's gone too far!
And I, for one, refuse to play his game!
(all gasp)
That was an accident. Let's all stay calm.
There's no need to lose our heads.
(all gasp)
Game on! Kill or be killed!
(all screaming)
(munching)
(sighs)
(crunching)
New...account.
New account!
Screw this. I'm hanging up!
No, Nicholas, don't do anything crazy.
Help!
Somebody, please!
Sarah, Patrick, Aunt Jesse, we don't have to do this.
After you kill me, what?
You turn on each other?
Oh, my God.
She's right.
Well, well, well!
Looks like everybody's in agreement,
just like that Christmas we agreed no presents,
but what was under the tree?
An ice cream maker for ol' Aunt Jesse.
Made me feel like a real turd.
¶¶
Wait. I'm not on their family plan.
I can call Stan!
(gasps)
ALL: ¶ Tweedily-deedly-deedly-dee ¶
¶ Tweet, tweet, tweet-tweet ¶
¶ He rocks in the tree tops all day long ¶
¶ Hoppin' and a-boppin' and a-singing his song ¶
¶ All the little birds on Jaybird Street ¶
¶ Love to hear the robin go ¶
¶ Tweet, tweet, tweet ¶
¶ Rockin' Robert ¶
What? I thought we were doing "Rockin' Robin."
No, this is my extremely mild parody, "Rockin' Robert."
It's Francine, right?
No matter. You won't be around much longer.
Quick pitch -- Instead of shooting me,
we all take a trip to Jackson Hole!
(grunting) I...think you want to --
I know how to load a crossbow!
Hyah!
¶¶
Hey, Franny.
Roger! Thank God!
I need your help! I need yours, too.
Hunting for the wet food.
I know he's got it in here somewhere.
We're looking for that Hills Science Diet.
Keeps my U.T.I. in check.
Roger, do something!
(sneezes)
Oh, that stupid cat!
(sneezes)
My damn allergies!
(sneezes)
Screw this. I'm killing the cat first!
(sneezing)
Gotcha!
(sneezes)
Thank you. Okay, come on!
We got to get to the north lawn right now!
Is it safe there?
No, very dangerous. Wide open. We'll be sitting ducks.
But there's a tree that I like to sit next to
and stare out into nothingness
for three or four hours every day.
Cats are ridiculous.
(chopping noises and family screaming)
(chainsaw whirring)
This is probably suicide to stand up here, but I don't care!
We are family! Surely we don't want to kill each other!
(distorted) Well, that's only one opinion!
What the hell are you doing?!
Why did you save me? I thought you hated me.
I'm a bitch, not a monster.
We're screwed! No, we're not.
I have a secret weapon.
You do? Is it a giant laser beam?
I never told you what I did for a living.
I'm an Avon lady.
(dramatic music plays)
FRANCINE: So, if I get five people to join under me...
Then they're your chain, but they're also part of my chain.
Okay, this is confusing.
I'm just gonna give you all my credit cards.
I went to a picnic, and I brought apples, boners...
(both laugh)
...candy, diarrhea...
(both laugh)
(beep)
That's odd. Francine's never used this much data before.
Yeah, I don't think Mom even knows she has a smartphone.
She thinks Bluetooth is a legendary pirate.
I'm gonna call her to make sure everything is okay.
(ringing)
You got Derrick, and please tell me you are fine as hell.
From the ground up! Now, where the hell's my wife?!
Uh, she probably deceased.
(engine revs, tires squeal)
What is happening?!
¶¶
Uncle Nicholas, I'm the last one!
I've killed everyone!
Finally, it's my time to shine!
No, it can't be!
Now I have no family!
Where did I go wrong?!
Oh, no! I'm too late!
(sobbing)
Dry those bitch tears and tongue kiss me, you big galoot.
Francine! You're alive!
Janet just made us up to look like we were dead.
(dramatic music plays)
I'm so sorry I wasn't appreciative
of my perfect small family.
You're the only family I need,
and the only one I'll ever have,
because everyone else is dead.
Oh, except for my new cousin, Janet.
So, I'll need the money up front
for those four cases of Summer Skin-Sation we --
Oh, God, no. That was just bush talk.
We're gonna have to figure out a new way home.
Oh, my God! A barn!
I think we're gonna be all right.
Because every episode of "American Pickers" ends with...
...them finding Indian motorcycles in a barn!
Well, at least I still have you, Marmalade,
and your delicious cat food.
Mmm! Ugh.
You're really shedding badly, Marmalade.
Maybe I should put you back on the wet food.
¶ These happy days are your and mine ¶
¶ These happy days are yours and mine, happy days ¶
Have a great night.
-- Captions by VITAC --