1
00:00:03,471 --> 00:00:05,270
Can you believe
Dad makes us listen
2
00:00:05,272 --> 00:00:07,506
to his physical results
every year?
3
00:00:07,508 --> 00:00:10,042
Can you believe I've never
had a physical?
4
00:00:10,044 --> 00:00:12,044
Okay, I have a critically ill
child to check on,
5
00:00:12,046 --> 00:00:13,879
so, Mr. Smith,
let's get this over with --
6
00:00:13,881 --> 00:00:16,248
STAN: Play the intro music!
I don't think that's necessary.
7
00:00:16,250 --> 00:00:18,417
Play the music, nerd!
(Sighs)
8
00:00:18,419 --> 00:00:21,086
(up-tempo music playing)
9
00:00:21,088 --> 00:00:23,856
Before we hear
what amazing shape I'm in,
10
00:00:23,858 --> 00:00:25,858
I wanna thank
all you Stanamaniacs
11
00:00:25,860 --> 00:00:27,593
for coming out in full force.
12
00:00:27,595 --> 00:00:29,528
Doc, tell 'em what
papa's packin'.
13
00:00:29,530 --> 00:00:31,764
Well, you've put on 5 pounds
since last year.
14
00:00:31,766 --> 00:00:33,098
Bigger...
15
00:00:33,100 --> 00:00:34,366
is...
16
00:00:34,368 --> 00:00:35,601
better!
17
00:00:35,603 --> 00:00:36,969
You shrunk
a quarter of an inch.
18
00:00:36,971 --> 00:00:39,371
So much man
in such a tiny package!
19
00:00:39,373 --> 00:00:40,939
And your cholesterol is high.
20
00:00:40,941 --> 00:00:43,442
Are there no heights
I can't reach?!
21
00:00:43,444 --> 00:00:45,577
Cholesterol is a serious issue.
22
00:00:45,579 --> 00:00:47,312
(under breath) Forget
cholesterol. We're losing them.
23
00:00:47,314 --> 00:00:48,814
Bring out the big guns.
24
00:00:48,816 --> 00:00:50,649
Um, it's looking like,
down the line,
25
00:00:50,651 --> 00:00:52,818
your left knee is gonna need
to be replaced.
26
00:00:52,820 --> 00:00:55,721
Right knee carrying the team
to the finish line!
27
00:00:55,723 --> 00:00:58,657
¶¶
28
00:00:58,659 --> 00:01:01,160
Oh, I know. Tell 'em
if I have AIDS or not.
29
00:01:01,162 --> 00:01:03,896
You, uh,
still don't have AIDS.
30
00:01:03,898 --> 00:01:05,431
Hear that, Francine?
31
00:01:05,433 --> 00:01:07,966
Doc's giving me a prescription
for raw doggin'!
32
00:01:07,968 --> 00:01:10,602
Yeah!
33
00:01:10,604 --> 00:01:12,838
¶¶
34
00:01:12,840 --> 00:01:15,641
¶ Good morning, U.S.A. ¶
35
00:01:15,643 --> 00:01:19,611
¶ I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day ¶
36
00:01:19,613 --> 00:01:22,614
¶ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ¶
37
00:01:22,616 --> 00:01:26,351
¶ And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race ¶
38
00:01:28,856 --> 00:01:32,324
¶ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ¶
39
00:01:32,326 --> 00:01:34,359
¶ Good -- ¶
¶ Good morning, U.S.A. ¶
40
00:01:34,361 --> 00:01:35,694
Aah!
41
00:01:37,198 --> 00:01:40,365
¶ Good morning, U.S.A. ¶
42
00:01:42,937 --> 00:01:44,670
(Indistinct conversations)
I don't think this is
43
00:01:44,672 --> 00:01:48,107
the best place to eat for
someone with your cholesterol.
44
00:01:48,109 --> 00:01:49,341
Mmm.
45
00:01:49,343 --> 00:01:51,343
Dad, milk? Isn't that --
46
00:01:51,345 --> 00:01:52,711
Way ahead of you, Hayley.
47
00:01:52,713 --> 00:01:55,280
It's not milk.
It's ranch dressing...
48
00:01:55,282 --> 00:01:57,282
from the Lazy Ranch River!
49
00:01:57,284 --> 00:01:59,384
Stan, the doctor gave you
this health journal
50
00:01:59,386 --> 00:02:01,653
to monitor your fitness
and eating habits.
51
00:02:01,655 --> 00:02:03,455
Hey, if it ain't broke,
don't fix it.
52
00:02:03,457 --> 00:02:05,524
And you heard
my stool sample results --
53
00:02:05,526 --> 00:02:08,794
too hard to test.
54
00:02:08,796 --> 00:02:10,362
But you're getting older.
55
00:02:10,364 --> 00:02:12,498
You need to take care
of yourself.
56
00:02:12,500 --> 00:02:14,533
We still have a lot of memories
to make.
57
00:02:14,535 --> 00:02:16,335
Of course we do, honey.
58
00:02:16,337 --> 00:02:18,504
Now I'm gonna see how close
the ranch river gets me
59
00:02:18,506 --> 00:02:20,072
to the cheese cauldron.
60
00:02:20,074 --> 00:02:21,840
(splash, whistle blows)
61
00:02:21,842 --> 00:02:23,242
Sir, you need to wear goggles!
62
00:02:23,244 --> 00:02:25,244
That ranch is
highly chlorinated!
63
00:02:25,246 --> 00:02:27,146
If he doesn't change
his lifestyle,
64
00:02:27,148 --> 00:02:28,714
something terrible
could happen.
65
00:02:28,716 --> 00:02:30,749
Sadly, people are often
set in their ways
66
00:02:30,751 --> 00:02:32,885
until something
really rattles them,
67
00:02:32,887 --> 00:02:35,187
like a --
like a near-death experience.
68
00:02:35,189 --> 00:02:38,157
So we just hope he has
a near-death experience?
69
00:02:38,159 --> 00:02:41,693
Hope? A near-death experience is
something I can guarantee.
70
00:02:41,695 --> 00:02:43,262
You know how E.T. could
71
00:02:43,264 --> 00:02:45,264
make a cute little nightlight
with his finger?
72
00:02:45,266 --> 00:02:47,032
Well, I slept with
his puppeteer.
73
00:02:47,034 --> 00:02:48,433
However, that's unrelated
to the fact
74
00:02:48,435 --> 00:02:51,336
that my species
is 60% electricity.
75
00:02:51,338 --> 00:02:53,405
Why do you think my Umbros are
always so static-y?
76
00:02:53,407 --> 00:02:55,407
Anyway, I can use this...
(crackling)
77
00:02:55,409 --> 00:02:58,177
...to stop
and restart Stan's heart.
78
00:02:58,179 --> 00:03:00,012
He'll think he had
a heart attack.
79
00:03:00,014 --> 00:03:03,615
Just give him the little scare
he needs. Watch.
80
00:03:03,617 --> 00:03:05,250
(electricity zaps)
Dead.
81
00:03:05,252 --> 00:03:06,919
(electricity zaps)
Alive.
82
00:03:06,921 --> 00:03:09,788
Now, go get me the recipe
for this tangy Thai sauce.
83
00:03:13,127 --> 00:03:15,794
I can't believe I missed the
college fair at school today.
84
00:03:15,796 --> 00:03:17,362
Isn't it a little early
85
00:03:17,364 --> 00:03:19,298
for you guys to be worrying
about all that?
86
00:03:19,300 --> 00:03:21,233
No way! I'm already behind!
87
00:03:21,235 --> 00:03:24,770
Look, Barry already signed
his letter of intent to Gonzaga.
88
00:03:24,772 --> 00:03:28,207
You know Coach Few's
gonna get the most out of him.
89
00:03:28,209 --> 00:03:31,476
Oh, man, if you knew
what I have in store for you,
90
00:03:31,478 --> 00:03:34,479
all your worries would
melt away.
91
00:03:34,481 --> 00:03:36,381
You'd be swaddled tight,
92
00:03:36,383 --> 00:03:39,785
wrapped safely in
my freshly laundered plans--
93
00:03:39,787 --> 00:03:42,254
Klaus, what the (bleep)
are you talking about?
94
00:03:42,256 --> 00:03:43,755
During my college years
in Germany,
95
00:03:43,757 --> 00:03:46,225
I did a semester abroad
at Arizona State.
96
00:03:46,227 --> 00:03:47,926
I'll take you
to see the campus,
97
00:03:47,928 --> 00:03:50,095
introduce you
to some choice people.
98
00:03:50,097 --> 00:03:52,164
You'll be golden!
99
00:03:52,166 --> 00:03:53,565
I don't know.
100
00:03:53,567 --> 00:03:55,334
Isn't Arizona State
a party school?
101
00:03:55,336 --> 00:03:58,770
How dare you?!
ASU's got everything!
102
00:03:58,772 --> 00:04:01,573
It was ranked number one
in "Innovation."
103
00:04:01,575 --> 00:04:03,642
-By who?
-By the rankers!
104
00:04:03,644 --> 00:04:06,144
It's also got
a sick baseball team
105
00:04:06,146 --> 00:04:10,249
and the only Chili's Too
that's not in an airport.
106
00:04:12,586 --> 00:04:16,688
Great. Now go get me the recipe
for the zesty ranch.
107
00:04:16,690 --> 00:04:18,657
I didn't know I'd want
the zesty ranch
108
00:04:18,659 --> 00:04:20,292
when I sent you
for the tangy Thai.
109
00:04:20,294 --> 00:04:21,860
I tried to text you.
110
00:04:26,433 --> 00:04:27,799
(door opens, closes)
111
00:04:27,801 --> 00:04:29,534
What's with
all the coffee?
112
00:04:29,536 --> 00:04:32,104
After the amount of cheese
I consumed at Fuddruckers,
113
00:04:32,106 --> 00:04:33,505
it takes three pots' worth
114
00:04:33,507 --> 00:04:36,341
just to get my system
running again.
Wow.
115
00:04:36,343 --> 00:04:39,678
Roger, this finger zapping thing
isn't gonna hurt, right?
116
00:04:39,680 --> 00:04:41,113
Not a bit.
(crackling)
117
00:04:41,115 --> 00:04:43,849
(electricity zaps)
(groaning)
118
00:04:43,851 --> 00:04:46,151
You said
it wasn't gonna hurt!
119
00:04:46,153 --> 00:04:48,353
No, I said it wouldn't hurt me.
120
00:04:48,355 --> 00:04:51,390
You! Need! To listen! Girl!
121
00:04:53,961 --> 00:04:55,894
Well, you are a lucky man.
122
00:04:55,896 --> 00:04:58,497
You had a heart attack,
but you made a full recovery.
123
00:04:58,499 --> 00:05:00,999
(strained voice)
Turn the music on for me.
124
00:05:01,001 --> 00:05:03,201
You are capable
of turning on a boom box
125
00:05:03,203 --> 00:05:06,305
one foot away
all by yourself.
126
00:05:06,307 --> 00:05:08,640
Do it...nerd.
127
00:05:08,642 --> 00:05:10,042
(sighs deeply)
128
00:05:10,044 --> 00:05:11,410
(soft music playing)
129
00:05:11,412 --> 00:05:12,711
I owe you all an apology.
130
00:05:12,713 --> 00:05:14,246
Except you, nerd.
131
00:05:14,248 --> 00:05:15,914
But I should've listened
to you guys.
132
00:05:15,916 --> 00:05:17,683
¶¶
133
00:05:17,685 --> 00:05:19,851
From here on out,
it's more exercise,
134
00:05:19,853 --> 00:05:21,920
healthier eating,
and better choices.
135
00:05:21,922 --> 00:05:24,056
And I choose...
Doc, next track.
136
00:05:24,058 --> 00:05:26,091
(rock music playing)
...to be a lean, mean,
137
00:05:26,093 --> 00:05:27,693
muscle flexin' machine.
138
00:05:27,695 --> 00:05:30,028
Like a phoenix, I shall rise!
139
00:05:30,030 --> 00:05:33,665
Because to be the man,
you have to beat the man!
140
00:05:33,667 --> 00:05:36,101
ALL: Stan! Stan! Stan! Stan!
141
00:05:36,103 --> 00:05:37,536
(crunch)
(cheering)
142
00:05:37,538 --> 00:05:39,004
Yeah! You did it!
143
00:05:40,874 --> 00:05:44,443
That chemistry lab
was tight, huh?
144
00:05:44,445 --> 00:05:47,012
So much innovating
going on there.
145
00:05:47,014 --> 00:05:48,880
Yeah, maybe.
It was just kinda weird
146
00:05:48,882 --> 00:05:50,716
that no one knew
how to work any of the stuff.
147
00:05:50,718 --> 00:05:52,918
That's 'cause it's
the latest stuff!
148
00:05:52,920 --> 00:05:54,853
I don't know about this place,
Klaus.
149
00:05:54,855 --> 00:05:57,756
It says the library opens
"when Todd wakes up."
150
00:05:57,758 --> 00:06:02,127
(heavy metal music playing)
151
00:06:02,129 --> 00:06:05,364
Hey, I think that's, like,
a frat or something.
152
00:06:05,366 --> 00:06:08,600
Should we go...
I don't know, check it out?
153
00:06:08,602 --> 00:06:10,135
BOTH: Klaus!
154
00:06:10,137 --> 00:06:12,904
-You know these guys?
-Everyone knows Klaus!
155
00:06:12,906 --> 00:06:15,607
One time, we didn't have a band
for Spring Fling,
156
00:06:15,609 --> 00:06:17,275
and at the total last second,
157
00:06:17,277 --> 00:06:19,611
Klaus got the Foo Fighters
to play!
158
00:06:19,613 --> 00:06:21,947
And one time, we were stuck
in a Mexican prison,
159
00:06:21,949 --> 00:06:24,416
and Klaus got the Foo Fighters
to break us out!
160
00:06:24,418 --> 00:06:27,886
And one time, my parents died
in a tragic car accident,
161
00:06:27,888 --> 00:06:29,254
and Klaus missed the funeral
162
00:06:29,256 --> 00:06:31,723
because he was at
a Foo Fighters concert!
163
00:06:31,725 --> 00:06:35,994
Ahh, I had some good times
here at BGZ,
164
00:06:35,996 --> 00:06:38,096
or as we're known
around campus,
165
00:06:38,098 --> 00:06:39,498
Beta Gizz!
166
00:06:39,500 --> 00:06:41,066
ALL: Beta Gizz!
167
00:06:41,068 --> 00:06:44,002
Steve, this is Nutbutter,
Nic, and Pube Face.
168
00:06:44,004 --> 00:06:46,405
All solid, solid bros.
169
00:06:46,407 --> 00:06:49,307
Hey, I'm gonna go show
my buddy around.
170
00:06:49,309 --> 00:06:52,344
(heavy metal music playing)
171
00:06:53,947 --> 00:06:55,313
Sit on the ground, Steve.
172
00:06:55,315 --> 00:06:56,648
W-what?
173
00:06:56,650 --> 00:06:59,751
Sit your ass on the ground!
174
00:06:59,753 --> 00:07:03,989
This little bitch doesn't think
ASU's good enough for him.
175
00:07:03,991 --> 00:07:06,124
I-I'm sorry. I don't even go
to school here --
176
00:07:06,126 --> 00:07:07,759
Shut up, pledge!
177
00:07:07,761 --> 00:07:11,997
Now, what game do you turds
want to play first?
178
00:07:11,999 --> 00:07:14,699
Milk Gallon Chug...
179
00:07:14,701 --> 00:07:17,169
or Hot Sauce Pee-Hole?
180
00:07:17,171 --> 00:07:19,771
Milk Gal--
Hot Sauce Pee-Hole it is!
181
00:07:23,310 --> 00:07:26,011
Wow, look at you,
ready for a run.
182
00:07:26,013 --> 00:07:29,781
A regular, um,
black guy from Kenya.
183
00:07:29,783 --> 00:07:32,184
Yep, and I can't wait to write
all about it
184
00:07:32,186 --> 00:07:34,519
in my health journal.
Hey, I could join you.
185
00:07:34,521 --> 00:07:36,822
There's actually nothing
in this bowl.
186
00:07:36,824 --> 00:07:38,390
You know what? That...
187
00:07:38,392 --> 00:07:39,691
that looks important.
188
00:07:39,693 --> 00:07:41,827
Okay.
Can you hit the lights?
189
00:07:41,829 --> 00:07:43,295
(switch clicks)
190
00:07:43,297 --> 00:07:48,133
(Eerie voice)
¶ La-la, la-la, la, la ¶
191
00:07:48,135 --> 00:07:50,635
(owl hoots, bird chirps)
192
00:07:54,141 --> 00:07:56,541
Roger, I know you gave me
that heart attack.
193
00:07:56,543 --> 00:07:59,244
(gasps) It wasn't my fault!
Francine made me --
194
00:07:59,246 --> 00:08:01,246
Roger, you almost killed me.
195
00:08:01,248 --> 00:08:02,581
I know, but --
196
00:08:02,583 --> 00:08:04,416
And I loved it!
I wanna do it again!
197
00:08:04,418 --> 00:08:06,351
Gotta say, Stan,
this is why I love you.
198
00:08:06,353 --> 00:08:08,153
You always surprise me.
199
00:08:08,155 --> 00:08:11,022
Whenever I think you're gonna
zig, you do a reverse zig.
200
00:08:11,024 --> 00:08:13,492
Now, let's get you dead, baby!
201
00:08:18,031 --> 00:08:20,398
...and that's the reason
why I want you --
202
00:08:20,400 --> 00:08:23,401
no, need you --
to kill me again.
203
00:08:23,403 --> 00:08:25,337
What? Sorry, I was just
thinking about
204
00:08:25,339 --> 00:08:27,873
what my top 20 "Mr. Belvedere"
episodes are.
205
00:08:27,875 --> 00:08:30,509
But then I realized I've never
seen "Mr. Belvedere."
206
00:08:30,511 --> 00:08:32,544
Was there an episode
where he gets snowed in?
207
00:08:32,546 --> 00:08:34,379
'Cause I would put that
right up there.
208
00:08:34,381 --> 00:08:36,882
And if there was a serious one
where he had a drug problem,
209
00:08:36,884 --> 00:08:39,284
I would consider that episode
very powerful,
210
00:08:39,286 --> 00:08:41,920
but not top 20.
Roger!
211
00:08:41,922 --> 00:08:45,790
When you stopped my heart,
everything went white.
212
00:08:45,792 --> 00:08:48,927
I woke up in what looked like
a Blockbuster Video.
213
00:08:48,929 --> 00:08:50,862
My first reaction was
to kill myself
214
00:08:50,864 --> 00:08:52,697
because it wasn't
a Hollywood Video.
215
00:08:52,699 --> 00:08:55,700
But then I realized I was
already dead.
216
00:08:55,702 --> 00:08:58,603
It turns out this video store
217
00:08:58,605 --> 00:09:01,273
was my life
flashing before my eyes.
218
00:09:01,275 --> 00:09:03,375
It was stocked
with all my memories.
219
00:09:03,377 --> 00:09:07,045
They had everything, from my
first memory of my parents
220
00:09:07,047 --> 00:09:09,414
to hot new releases like
you killing me.
221
00:09:09,416 --> 00:09:12,317
¶¶
222
00:09:12,319 --> 00:09:15,587
Suddenly, I wasn't just
watching the memory...
223
00:09:15,589 --> 00:09:17,155
(whoosh)
...I was reliving it,
224
00:09:17,157 --> 00:09:18,924
feeling what it was like
to be young again.
225
00:09:18,926 --> 00:09:20,725
My bad knee didn't hurt.
226
00:09:20,727 --> 00:09:22,928
Aah!
227
00:09:22,930 --> 00:09:24,796
The extra weight I gained
was gone.
(cheering)
228
00:09:24,798 --> 00:09:26,565
And though it wasn't relevant
to the memory,
229
00:09:26,567 --> 00:09:28,967
I had that extra confidence
that comes from knowing
230
00:09:28,969 --> 00:09:30,902
you can get hard
all the way to the tip.
231
00:09:30,904 --> 00:09:32,604
(whoosh)
232
00:09:34,174 --> 00:09:36,575
I could go back to any
of my favorite memories...
233
00:09:36,577 --> 00:09:37,976
(crying)
234
00:09:37,978 --> 00:09:39,744
...and eat
all my favorite meals
235
00:09:39,746 --> 00:09:42,247
without worrying about any
of the consequences.
236
00:09:42,249 --> 00:09:44,749
I got to feel like the guy
I used to be.
237
00:09:44,751 --> 00:09:47,652
All the reminders that I'm
getting old just disappeared,
238
00:09:47,654 --> 00:09:49,154
right up until you revived me.
239
00:09:49,156 --> 00:09:50,422
I have to do it again.
240
00:09:50,424 --> 00:09:52,157
Well, the first taste
was free.
241
00:09:52,159 --> 00:09:53,658
Next one's gonna cost you.
242
00:09:53,660 --> 00:09:55,360
I'll give you anything.
Money --
243
00:09:55,362 --> 00:09:57,662
(electricity zaps)
I just want a laugh.
244
00:10:01,602 --> 00:10:03,335
(pinchers clicking)
245
00:10:06,473 --> 00:10:09,307
(laughs) Good start.
246
00:10:09,309 --> 00:10:10,875
(pinchers clicking)
247
00:10:10,877 --> 00:10:12,477
(laughs)
248
00:10:12,479 --> 00:10:14,779
Aah! Stan, help me!
(glass shatters)
249
00:10:14,781 --> 00:10:16,848
¶¶
250
00:10:22,923 --> 00:10:24,723
(whoosh)
251
00:10:24,725 --> 00:10:27,158
Order of chili fries,
horsey-style.
252
00:10:27,160 --> 00:10:31,229
Uh, I believe I ordered
all the fixings.
253
00:10:31,231 --> 00:10:33,498
(whistles)
254
00:10:33,500 --> 00:10:35,900
Come on, boy!
Eat faster! Eat faster!
(moans)
255
00:10:38,505 --> 00:10:40,639
Someone order a pizza?
256
00:10:40,641 --> 00:10:43,575
I got
an extra large sausage.
257
00:10:43,577 --> 00:10:45,176
Mmm. Mmm.
258
00:10:45,178 --> 00:10:47,912
Is anyone cool with
that girl Megan from Kappa?
259
00:10:47,914 --> 00:10:51,583
-I know her.
-Hook it up, bro. (spits)
260
00:10:51,585 --> 00:10:55,020
Pledges completed
their butt chug challenge.
261
00:10:55,022 --> 00:10:56,721
Gonna recycle the keg.
262
00:10:56,723 --> 00:11:00,091
(thudding)
263
00:11:00,093 --> 00:11:02,060
(panting)
264
00:11:02,062 --> 00:11:04,896
KLAUS: Hey, has anyone noticed
we're watching gay porn?
265
00:11:04,898 --> 00:11:06,698
NUTBUTTER: Maybe it's only gay
at the beginning!
266
00:11:06,700 --> 00:11:08,667
I say we keep watching!
267
00:11:11,438 --> 00:11:13,271
This is a place of learning.
268
00:11:13,273 --> 00:11:16,608
How could every building close
at "Beer thirty"?!
269
00:11:18,645 --> 00:11:21,246
(panting) Oh, thank God!
You gotta help me!
270
00:11:21,248 --> 00:11:23,515
I was kidnapped
and held against my will!
271
00:11:23,517 --> 00:11:25,283
Well, you're lucky
you ran into me.
272
00:11:25,285 --> 00:11:26,951
I'm not just
a security guard.
273
00:11:26,953 --> 00:11:29,054
I'm also
the dean of the university.
274
00:11:29,056 --> 00:11:31,523
Plus, I sell loose cigarettes
for a dollar a pop.
275
00:11:31,525 --> 00:11:33,224
I've got an emergency
down here.
276
00:11:33,226 --> 00:11:36,227
And tell them it was
those monsters at BGZ!
277
00:11:36,229 --> 00:11:38,263
False alarm.
278
00:11:38,265 --> 00:11:39,764
¶¶
279
00:11:39,766 --> 00:11:42,267
-Beta Gizz!
-Aah!
280
00:11:44,805 --> 00:11:47,772
I'm so proud
of your progress, honey.
281
00:11:47,774 --> 00:11:49,274
Thought I'd treat you
282
00:11:49,276 --> 00:11:51,876
to the healthiest restaurant
in town.
283
00:11:51,878 --> 00:11:53,712
Yay.
284
00:11:53,714 --> 00:11:56,114
(wheels squeak)
285
00:11:56,116 --> 00:11:58,917
You keep taking care
of yourself, and we'll be able
286
00:11:58,919 --> 00:12:01,986
to have dinners like these
for years to come.
287
00:12:01,988 --> 00:12:05,223
I, uh...gotta...
go check on the car.
288
00:12:05,225 --> 00:12:07,392
Got Bazooka Sharks stickers
all over that thing,
289
00:12:07,394 --> 00:12:09,294
and we're clearly
in Cyber Mole country.
290
00:12:09,296 --> 00:12:11,262
Cyber Moles!
291
00:12:11,264 --> 00:12:12,997
Come on, Roger. Pick up.
292
00:12:12,999 --> 00:12:14,733
(line rings)
293
00:12:14,735 --> 00:12:16,167
Roger?
Stan!
294
00:12:16,169 --> 00:12:18,269
What are you doing here?
Uh, working. You?
295
00:12:18,271 --> 00:12:19,904
I'm freaking out.
296
00:12:19,906 --> 00:12:22,240
This cannot be what the rest
of my life is like.
297
00:12:22,242 --> 00:12:24,242
I just need a quick little trip
to the afterlife,
298
00:12:24,244 --> 00:12:26,644
maybe visit a memory
with a stuffed-crust pizza.
299
00:12:26,646 --> 00:12:29,948
What do you say?
Fine, I guess I can
squeeze you in.
300
00:12:29,950 --> 00:12:32,083
That's some glory hole humor
for ya.
301
00:12:32,085 --> 00:12:35,253
My jokes are what people
show up for. The BJs are shit.
302
00:12:35,255 --> 00:12:36,621
(electricity zaps)
303
00:12:36,623 --> 00:12:39,791
Oh, I went ahead
and ordered some appetizers.
304
00:12:39,793 --> 00:12:41,593
(branch snaps)
Enjoy.
305
00:12:41,595 --> 00:12:44,462
I, uh...
I am just now realizing
306
00:12:44,464 --> 00:12:46,965
I saw Mark McGwire flossing
in the restroom.
307
00:12:46,967 --> 00:12:48,867
I-I gotta thank him
for all the homers.
308
00:12:48,869 --> 00:12:50,268
Just one more time!
309
00:12:50,270 --> 00:12:51,636
And leave me under
a little longer.
310
00:12:51,638 --> 00:12:53,171
Let me really stretch my legs
in there.
311
00:12:53,173 --> 00:12:54,939
I can't do that.
312
00:12:54,941 --> 00:12:57,041
After five or six minutes,
you'll really die. Forever.
313
00:12:57,043 --> 00:12:59,010
Fine! Whatever!
Just give Daddy a taste!
314
00:12:59,012 --> 00:13:00,645
(Sighs) Okay, but this is it.
315
00:13:00,647 --> 00:13:02,547
You're so addicted
to the afterlife
316
00:13:02,549 --> 00:13:04,649
that you're missing out
on real life.
317
00:13:04,651 --> 00:13:06,151
I-I'm not some battery.
318
00:13:06,153 --> 00:13:07,819
I'm made of flesh and blood...
319
00:13:07,821 --> 00:13:09,621
and alkaline
and manganese oxide.
320
00:13:09,623 --> 00:13:11,022
But I have feelings!
321
00:13:11,024 --> 00:13:12,724
I'm just a normal guy
with feelings,
322
00:13:12,726 --> 00:13:15,794
who can power most
non-Samsung mobile devices.
323
00:13:15,796 --> 00:13:17,028
(electricity zaps, thud)
324
00:13:17,030 --> 00:13:18,530
(cellphone vibrates)
325
00:13:18,532 --> 00:13:21,533
Holy crap, I just got a retweet
from Toshi.
326
00:13:24,070 --> 00:13:27,539
Roger was right. It was crazy
to keep asking him to kill me...
327
00:13:27,541 --> 00:13:30,375
when I can just do it myself.
328
00:13:30,377 --> 00:13:32,544
(egg timer ticking)
329
00:13:34,247 --> 00:13:37,182
Hmm, a good scientist would
test this first.
330
00:13:37,184 --> 00:13:40,351
But if I was a good scientist,
then I'd also be a nerd.
331
00:13:40,353 --> 00:13:43,888
And I've made my stance on nerds
very clear.
332
00:13:43,890 --> 00:13:45,323
(click, electricity zaps)
333
00:13:45,325 --> 00:13:47,091
(groans)
(hissing)
334
00:13:47,093 --> 00:13:48,426
(continues ticking)
335
00:13:48,428 --> 00:13:49,694
(whoosh)
336
00:13:49,696 --> 00:13:51,696
¶¶
337
00:13:53,633 --> 00:13:57,268
I'm sure Stan wouldn't mind if
I took a peek at his progress.
338
00:14:01,341 --> 00:14:04,008
(Pages flipping)
339
00:14:07,113 --> 00:14:09,581
(gasps)
Stan hasn't changed at all!
340
00:14:09,583 --> 00:14:12,050
But he did nail my mannerisms.
341
00:14:13,353 --> 00:14:15,453
Stan! Oh, no!
342
00:14:15,455 --> 00:14:17,188
Stan, please!
343
00:14:17,190 --> 00:14:19,090
(click, electricity zaps)
(groans)
344
00:14:21,061 --> 00:14:23,962
Whoa! Oh, my god! Guys!
345
00:14:23,964 --> 00:14:27,232
Stan and Francine worked out
so hard, they fell asleep!
346
00:14:27,234 --> 00:14:28,700
ROGER: Shut up
and get those Fantas!
347
00:14:28,702 --> 00:14:30,235
I don't want
a history lesson!
348
00:14:30,237 --> 00:14:34,706
Okay, but I'm telling you,
it's super adorable!
349
00:14:37,878 --> 00:14:39,477
(laughing)
350
00:14:39,479 --> 00:14:41,045
MAN: Ugh, that was terrible.
351
00:14:41,047 --> 00:14:42,780
(slurps, laughs)
352
00:14:44,317 --> 00:14:46,751
If I could play multiple
characters like Eddie Murphy,
353
00:14:46,753 --> 00:14:48,820
they'd all be watching "Norbit"
together.
354
00:14:48,822 --> 00:14:51,789
(rumbling)
355
00:14:51,791 --> 00:14:54,459
(whoosh)
356
00:14:54,461 --> 00:14:56,594
Where am I?
Is that a Shamrock Shake?
357
00:14:56,596 --> 00:14:58,096
Why, yes, it is.
358
00:14:58,098 --> 00:15:00,064
But it's not even close
to St. Paddy's Day.
359
00:15:00,066 --> 00:15:02,233
Oh, my God.
I know where I am.
360
00:15:02,235 --> 00:15:03,568
I'm in Ireland!
361
00:15:03,570 --> 00:15:05,336
Um...you're in heaven.
362
00:15:05,338 --> 00:15:07,005
Yeah, right, buddy.
363
00:15:07,007 --> 00:15:08,773
If this were really heaven,
I'd have a Shamrock...
364
00:15:08,775 --> 00:15:10,575
shake! (slurps)
365
00:15:10,577 --> 00:15:12,577
But that means I actually died.
366
00:15:12,579 --> 00:15:15,280
(slurps) Why didn't
the revival paddles fall on me?
367
00:15:15,282 --> 00:15:16,948
(slurps)
Because they fell on me!
368
00:15:16,950 --> 00:15:18,950
I can't believe
you killed us both!
369
00:15:18,952 --> 00:15:20,451
Well, technically, you killed us
370
00:15:20,453 --> 00:15:22,086
when you got in the way
of my --
Stan.
371
00:15:22,088 --> 00:15:23,421
Okay, all right.
372
00:15:23,423 --> 00:15:24,956
We could sit here all day,
arguing about
373
00:15:24,958 --> 00:15:27,091
whose homemade death machine
killed who.
374
00:15:27,093 --> 00:15:28,793
Or we could look
at the bright side.
375
00:15:28,795 --> 00:15:30,428
We can do anything we want here!
376
00:15:30,430 --> 00:15:31,963
Bam! My bum knee is fixed.
(ding)
377
00:15:31,965 --> 00:15:33,531
Bam! Ten-pack!
(ding)
378
00:15:33,533 --> 00:15:36,034
Bam! I have a tail.
Hell, yeah!
379
00:15:36,036 --> 00:15:38,970
(cries) Don't you get it?
380
00:15:38,972 --> 00:15:41,673
We're never gonna see
our kids grow up!
381
00:15:41,675 --> 00:15:44,208
We can make our own versions
of Hayley and Steve.
382
00:15:44,210 --> 00:15:46,778
But that Hayley doesn't even
have a mouth.
383
00:15:46,780 --> 00:15:50,848
And that's not even Steve.
It's Turtle from "Entourage."
384
00:15:50,850 --> 00:15:53,451
Yeah! Heaven!
I just don't get it.
385
00:15:53,453 --> 00:15:56,020
What was so horrible
about your life
386
00:15:56,022 --> 00:15:58,156
that you wanted
to kill yourself?
387
00:15:58,158 --> 00:16:01,693
I wasn't trying to kill myself.
I was escaping into my memories.
388
00:16:01,695 --> 00:16:03,728
When I heard about
my poor health,
389
00:16:03,730 --> 00:16:05,363
I-I know I played it cool,
390
00:16:05,365 --> 00:16:07,565
but I wasn't as cool
as I was playing it,
391
00:16:07,567 --> 00:16:09,000
which was super cool.
392
00:16:09,002 --> 00:16:10,969
But beneath that Joe Camel cool
393
00:16:10,971 --> 00:16:13,004
was a Marlboro coward,
394
00:16:13,006 --> 00:16:16,174
terrified of the long,
slow decline of my body.
395
00:16:16,176 --> 00:16:18,509
Oh, Stan, I hear you.
396
00:16:18,511 --> 00:16:21,479
And I thank you for sharing
that with me.
397
00:16:21,481 --> 00:16:25,550
But the thing is...
you killed us, you idiot!
398
00:16:25,552 --> 00:16:29,220
We still had a lifetime
of memories to make on Earth,
399
00:16:29,222 --> 00:16:31,189
and you stole those from me!
400
00:16:31,191 --> 00:16:33,057
So as far as I'm concerned,
401
00:16:33,059 --> 00:16:36,327
you can spend the rest
of eternity by yourself!
402
00:16:36,329 --> 00:16:38,730
Francine, wait!
Give Turtle-Steve a chance.
403
00:16:38,732 --> 00:16:40,565
He's just like Steve,
404
00:16:40,567 --> 00:16:43,701
except he'll drive us anywhere
and he's always on ass patrol.
405
00:16:46,439 --> 00:16:48,206
(slurping)
406
00:16:48,208 --> 00:16:50,008
(voice breaks)
Just doesn't taste the same
407
00:16:50,010 --> 00:16:53,378
without Francine begging me
to stop for my own good.
408
00:16:53,380 --> 00:16:54,879
Excuse me, do you know
409
00:16:54,881 --> 00:16:57,181
if there's any way
to get back to Earth?
410
00:16:57,183 --> 00:17:00,385
Um, if you're looking to escape
the afterlife, I'd ask in hell.
411
00:17:00,387 --> 00:17:02,887
People are always trying
to get out of that craphole.
412
00:17:02,889 --> 00:17:05,289
Great. Thank you!
Sorry, one last question.
413
00:17:05,291 --> 00:17:08,026
If you're in heaven, why do you
have to work as a waitress?
414
00:17:08,028 --> 00:17:10,595
(chuckles) Oh,no.
I'm a slave.
415
00:17:11,998 --> 00:17:14,799
¶¶
416
00:17:18,204 --> 00:17:21,372
Hey, demon, is this obstacle
course the way back to Earth?
417
00:17:21,374 --> 00:17:23,474
Nah, that's the way
out of hell into heaven.
418
00:17:23,476 --> 00:17:25,710
ANNOUNCER:
Stepping to the starting line,
419
00:17:25,712 --> 00:17:28,279
Adolf Hitler!
(cheers and applause)
420
00:17:28,281 --> 00:17:31,783
MAN: Adolf is best remembered
for his work in World War II,
421
00:17:31,785 --> 00:17:35,053
and his legacy lives on
in Macklemore's haircut.
422
00:17:35,055 --> 00:17:38,623
He'll be making
his 453rd attempt
423
00:17:38,625 --> 00:17:40,825
at getting through the course
tonight.
424
00:17:40,827 --> 00:17:42,593
And he's off!
425
00:17:42,595 --> 00:17:45,430
Powering through
the quintuple steps with ease!
426
00:17:45,432 --> 00:17:48,132
No trouble
with the rolling log!
427
00:17:49,602 --> 00:17:52,503
Ooh! He tried to rush
the salmon ladder,
428
00:17:52,505 --> 00:17:54,338
and it looks like...
429
00:17:54,340 --> 00:17:56,107
(screaming)
(roars, crunch)
430
00:17:56,109 --> 00:17:57,975
No one ever makes it.
431
00:17:57,977 --> 00:18:00,645
But it's nice just to...
get out of the house!
432
00:18:00,647 --> 00:18:03,581
There's gotta be a way to get
me and Francine back to Earth.
433
00:18:03,583 --> 00:18:07,151
Yo, wings! Back to heaven
with you, you tourist.
434
00:18:07,153 --> 00:18:09,587
Think, Stan!
What do I know about the devil?
435
00:18:09,589 --> 00:18:12,423
¶ Devil with a moo mess,
moo mess, moo mess ¶
436
00:18:12,425 --> 00:18:14,325
¶ Devil-mmm-mmm, moo mess-ma ¶
437
00:18:14,327 --> 00:18:17,428
That's it!
He's always makin' deals.
438
00:18:18,598 --> 00:18:20,598
Hey, you're a bettin' man,
right?
439
00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:22,100
How 'bout this for a deal?
440
00:18:22,102 --> 00:18:23,701
You send my wife and me
back to Earth
441
00:18:23,703 --> 00:18:25,336
to live out the rest
of our lives.
442
00:18:25,338 --> 00:18:28,372
And... yawn.
What's in it for me?
443
00:18:28,374 --> 00:18:30,975
Next time I die,
I won't go to heaven.
444
00:18:30,977 --> 00:18:32,543
You get my soul.
445
00:18:32,545 --> 00:18:34,979
So you're willing to
give up heaven
446
00:18:34,981 --> 00:18:38,549
for a few more miserable years
on Earth?
447
00:18:38,551 --> 00:18:40,885
Yes, because all the heaven
I've ever needed
448
00:18:40,887 --> 00:18:43,287
was being with Francine
and my kids.
449
00:18:43,289 --> 00:18:46,357
Oh, wow, Stan.
I had no idea...
450
00:18:46,359 --> 00:18:48,793
that you were such a bitch!
451
00:18:48,795 --> 00:18:50,795
Fine, you got a deal.
452
00:18:51,965 --> 00:18:53,898
Oh, and when you get back
to Earth,
453
00:18:53,900 --> 00:18:55,967
tell Rachael Ray
to (bleep) off.
454
00:18:55,969 --> 00:18:57,568
She'll know what she did.
455
00:18:57,570 --> 00:19:00,037
That is not how you treat
another person!
456
00:19:00,039 --> 00:19:02,206
(smacks)
(flames whoosh)
457
00:19:03,510 --> 00:19:06,911
I can't believe they're dead!
(gasping)
458
00:19:06,913 --> 00:19:09,580
Now, I'm just as broken up
about this as you are,
459
00:19:09,582 --> 00:19:12,183
but we can't ignore the facts --
it's pretty chilly out,
460
00:19:12,185 --> 00:19:14,318
and neither of us knows
how to work the thermostat.
461
00:19:14,320 --> 00:19:16,587
Our only option
is to slice open the bodies
462
00:19:16,589 --> 00:19:18,489
so we can huddle inside them
for warmth.
463
00:19:18,491 --> 00:19:20,725
(inhales deeply)
Let's do it.
464
00:19:20,727 --> 00:19:23,161
I refuse to sleep in socks.
465
00:19:23,163 --> 00:19:25,062
(both gasp loudly)
466
00:19:25,064 --> 00:19:26,864
Stan, we're alive!
467
00:19:26,866 --> 00:19:28,332
Oh, thank God!
468
00:19:28,334 --> 00:19:30,168
What...happened?
469
00:19:30,170 --> 00:19:33,237
I guess someone realized we
needed more time here together.
470
00:19:33,239 --> 00:19:34,739
And this time around,
471
00:19:34,741 --> 00:19:37,575
I'm gonna make it last
as long as possible.
472
00:19:37,577 --> 00:19:40,178
(lowered voice) 'Cause then
I'm going to hell.
473
00:19:40,180 --> 00:19:41,746
What's with the knife?
474
00:19:41,748 --> 00:19:43,915
You shouldn't have to be
a goddamn electrician
475
00:19:43,917 --> 00:19:45,383
to live in this house!
476
00:19:45,385 --> 00:19:47,785
(door creaks open)
477
00:19:47,787 --> 00:19:50,521
Oh, is it cookie time already?
478
00:19:50,523 --> 00:19:53,424
Circle up, boys.
We have a game to play.
479
00:19:53,426 --> 00:19:55,626
No, Steve, you're late
for graduation!
480
00:19:55,628 --> 00:19:57,295
From pledging?
481
00:19:57,297 --> 00:19:59,130
No, from ASU!
482
00:19:59,132 --> 00:20:01,399
Come on, it's about to start!
483
00:20:01,401 --> 00:20:03,734
How?! I was only here
for a week.
484
00:20:03,736 --> 00:20:06,404
Remember when you asked
a question in the science lab?
485
00:20:06,406 --> 00:20:09,240
That was the minimum requirement
to graduate!
486
00:20:09,242 --> 00:20:10,975
Now hurry up!
487
00:20:10,977 --> 00:20:14,312
Oh, and get a speech ready.
You're also valedictorian!
488
00:20:14,314 --> 00:20:15,780
(applause)
489
00:20:15,782 --> 00:20:17,982
(feedback whines)
490
00:20:17,984 --> 00:20:21,085
(heavy metal music playing)
491
00:20:38,204 --> 00:20:40,071
(music stops)
492
00:20:40,073 --> 00:20:41,572
(water bubbles)
493
00:20:41,574 --> 00:20:44,408
(birds chirping)
494
00:20:44,410 --> 00:20:46,477
Stan, ready for a jog?
495
00:20:46,479 --> 00:20:47,745
STAN:
Yep! Just one minute.
496
00:20:47,747 --> 00:20:49,113
Stan, I love that
497
00:20:49,115 --> 00:20:51,148
you're beasting it
on the salmon ladder,
498
00:20:51,150 --> 00:20:53,651
but there's no shame
in starting basic.
499
00:20:53,653 --> 00:20:56,487
I know. I just think this will
be very beneficial long-term.
500
00:20:56,489 --> 00:20:57,755
(groans)
501
00:20:57,757 --> 00:20:59,690
I need to live forever.
502
00:20:59,692 --> 00:21:02,159
That's the spirit!
(flames whoosh)
503
00:21:02,161 --> 00:21:04,161
Bye! Have a beautiful time!
504
00:21:04,163 --> 00:21:07,999
-- Captions by VITAC --