1
00:00:02,136 --> 00:00:04,236
(Hawaiian music playing)
2
00:00:08,676 --> 00:00:10,042
Banana, Sheriff?
3
00:00:10,044 --> 00:00:11,276
Banana, Sheriff?
4
00:00:11,278 --> 00:00:13,212
How about a banana,
Sheriff?
5
00:00:13,214 --> 00:00:16,215
A banana?
That does sound good.
6
00:00:16,217 --> 00:00:18,283
What's wrong
with my bananas?
7
00:00:20,154 --> 00:00:21,954
Oh. Right.
8
00:00:23,624 --> 00:00:26,125
(gasps)
9
00:00:26,127 --> 00:00:27,359
(blorp!)
10
00:00:27,361 --> 00:00:28,827
Dear God,
a suspicious package!
11
00:00:28,829 --> 00:00:30,029
Banana, Sheriff?
12
00:00:30,031 --> 00:00:31,530
Not now, man!
13
00:00:31,532 --> 00:00:33,699
Clear the beach!
14
00:00:35,703 --> 00:00:37,770
Go for bomb unit.
15
00:00:41,208 --> 00:00:43,342
Steady...
16
00:00:43,344 --> 00:00:45,577
Don't rush it.
17
00:00:47,648 --> 00:00:49,882
Damn it, he got spooked!
18
00:00:54,688 --> 00:00:57,322
Phew,
just a white devil.
19
00:00:57,324 --> 00:01:01,026
Everyone can go back to handing
each other different fruits!
20
00:01:01,028 --> 00:01:03,595
(dramatic music plays)
21
00:01:13,774 --> 00:01:15,207
ROGER: Really?
22
00:01:15,209 --> 00:01:17,309
I mean, what the [bleep]
are we doing here?
23
00:01:20,047 --> 00:01:22,514
¶ Good morning, U.S.A. ¶
24
00:01:22,516 --> 00:01:26,351
¶ I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day ¶
25
00:01:26,353 --> 00:01:29,421
¶ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ¶
26
00:01:29,423 --> 00:01:33,826
¶ And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race ¶
27
00:01:35,629 --> 00:01:39,098
¶ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ¶
28
00:01:39,100 --> 00:01:41,533
¶ Good -- ¶
¶ Good morning, U.S.A. ¶
29
00:01:41,535 --> 00:01:42,634
Aah!
30
00:01:43,938 --> 00:01:47,005
¶ Good morning, U.S.A. ¶
31
00:01:49,910 --> 00:01:52,945
I am so jealous you guys are
going to the game!
32
00:01:52,947 --> 00:01:56,248
I can't believe the Bazooka
Sharks made the playoffs!
33
00:01:56,250 --> 00:01:58,717
That's what the five-week
regular season was all about.
34
00:01:58,719 --> 00:01:59,785
3-2, baby!
35
00:01:59,787 --> 00:02:02,254
Sure there's
no extra ticket?
36
00:02:02,256 --> 00:02:03,489
Damn sure...
37
00:02:03,491 --> 00:02:05,424
that there is one.
What?!
38
00:02:05,426 --> 00:02:07,559
And it's going
to my boy, Steve.
39
00:02:07,561 --> 00:02:09,595
Why would you
bring me?
40
00:02:09,597 --> 00:02:12,798
Yeah! Nobody loves the 'Zooks
more than Klaus!
41
00:02:12,800 --> 00:02:15,234
I bleed
silver and ocean lime.
42
00:02:15,236 --> 00:02:16,635
Klaus,
you're not coming
43
00:02:16,637 --> 00:02:18,470
because you're wearing
a t-shirt jersey.
44
00:02:21,075 --> 00:02:26,178
Oh. The guy at Marshalls said
this was the real deal.
45
00:02:26,180 --> 00:02:27,946
Dad, take the fish.
46
00:02:27,948 --> 00:02:30,516
I'm almost through my annual
re-read of "The Joy Luck Club."
47
00:02:30,518 --> 00:02:32,451
No, Steve,
I need a human torso.
48
00:02:32,453 --> 00:02:33,752
Dick has
community service,
49
00:02:33,754 --> 00:02:35,787
so you have to step in
as our "A."
50
00:02:35,789 --> 00:02:38,257
"R"? "A"?
51
00:02:38,259 --> 00:02:40,592
What's the team name,
the Ragamuffins?
52
00:02:40,594 --> 00:02:42,694
Yeah, Marshalls
customer service, please.
53
00:02:42,696 --> 00:02:45,264
It doesn't exist?!
54
00:02:49,270 --> 00:02:51,937
So we're just gonna hang out
in the parking lot
55
00:02:51,939 --> 00:02:53,305
for three hours
before the game?
56
00:02:53,307 --> 00:02:54,373
No, Steve.
57
00:02:54,375 --> 00:02:56,108
We're also gonna
pound Jagerbombs
58
00:02:56,110 --> 00:02:58,510
and maybe get into a fist fight
with a middle-aged woman.
59
00:02:58,512 --> 00:03:00,012
It's called tailgating.
60
00:03:00,014 --> 00:03:01,380
Excellent!
61
00:03:01,382 --> 00:03:03,782
You brought the child,
as we discussed.
62
00:03:03,784 --> 00:03:05,250
(can rattles)
63
00:03:06,287 --> 00:03:08,320
What are you doing?!
Stop it!
64
00:03:08,322 --> 00:03:10,656
Look at
that blank canvas.
65
00:03:10,658 --> 00:03:12,124
Dad?
Wait!
66
00:03:12,126 --> 00:03:14,626
Steve's right.
If anyone's gonna spray his "A,"
67
00:03:14,628 --> 00:03:16,862
it should be
his father.
68
00:03:16,864 --> 00:03:20,465
Tickets! Tickets!
Need tickets, I got 'em.
69
00:03:20,467 --> 00:03:21,800
Have tickets,
I want 'em.
70
00:03:21,802 --> 00:03:23,535
Thanks, Roger,
but we're good.
71
00:03:23,537 --> 00:03:26,004
Got a great pair on the
50-yard line, handicapped zone.
72
00:03:26,006 --> 00:03:27,472
Need a wheelchair,
I got it.
73
00:03:27,474 --> 00:03:29,074
Have a wheelchair,
I want it.
74
00:03:29,076 --> 00:03:31,476
Need a high-protein snack
on the go? Try walnuts!
75
00:03:31,478 --> 00:03:32,844
Eh, we're just here
for the tailgate.
76
00:03:32,846 --> 00:03:34,213
We don't really care
about football.
77
00:03:34,215 --> 00:03:35,881
Oh, I can
make you care.
78
00:03:35,883 --> 00:03:37,816
You just need
a little skin in the game.
79
00:03:37,818 --> 00:03:39,251
What?
I'll take that action.
80
00:03:39,253 --> 00:03:41,086
Put you down for a dime
on the Sharks.
81
00:03:41,088 --> 00:03:42,421
A dime on the Sharks?
82
00:03:42,423 --> 00:03:43,855
Smart bet.
They got a lot of heat
83
00:03:43,857 --> 00:03:45,224
coming out
of the regular season.
84
00:03:45,226 --> 00:03:47,893
3-2, baby!
85
00:03:47,895 --> 00:03:49,394
This is gonna be
incredible.
86
00:03:49,396 --> 00:03:51,029
Been looking forward to it
all week --
87
00:03:51,031 --> 00:03:52,364
the game, not the pee.
88
00:03:52,366 --> 00:03:53,832
I peed
a couple days ago.
89
00:03:53,834 --> 00:03:55,400
(zipper zips)
90
00:03:55,402 --> 00:03:58,103
Remember to toss a penny in
before you leave.
91
00:03:58,105 --> 00:04:00,239
Ew!
That splashed me!
92
00:04:00,241 --> 00:04:02,507
Dude, that's eight months
of good luck!
93
00:04:02,509 --> 00:04:04,243
Could you move down
a little bit?
94
00:04:04,245 --> 00:04:05,944
Oh, I'm the weirdo.
95
00:04:05,946 --> 00:04:09,014
You haven't peed a drop the
whole time I've been watching.
96
00:04:12,286 --> 00:04:14,119
(cheers and applause)
97
00:04:14,121 --> 00:04:15,554
When's the game
gonna start?
98
00:04:15,556 --> 00:04:17,923
Not until Sky Crooner
says it does.
99
00:04:17,925 --> 00:04:20,192
SKY CROONER:
It's game time, honey!
100
00:04:20,194 --> 00:04:24,363
¶ I've been waiting all day
for Saturday at noon ¶
101
00:04:24,365 --> 00:04:25,631
Whoa!
102
00:04:25,633 --> 00:04:28,066
Whoo! Ohh!
103
00:04:28,068 --> 00:04:31,436
Some say the ropes don't keep
him from falling to the Earth,
104
00:04:31,438 --> 00:04:33,905
but rather,
from flying to the heavens.
105
00:04:33,907 --> 00:04:36,141
Some say.
106
00:04:36,143 --> 00:04:37,743
Take his head off!
107
00:04:37,745 --> 00:04:39,444
Kill him!
Slit his throat!
108
00:04:46,720 --> 00:04:49,621
That was savage!
I-Is he all right?!
109
00:04:57,798 --> 00:04:58,830
(cheers and applause)
110
00:04:58,832 --> 00:05:00,432
He's dead?!
111
00:05:00,434 --> 00:05:02,734
Welcome to
the Sharks' nest, baby!
112
00:05:02,736 --> 00:05:04,236
Mama,
you like this?
113
00:05:04,238 --> 00:05:07,239
Hell, yeah,
I like Sharks' ball on the 30.
114
00:05:07,241 --> 00:05:11,677
(crowd chanting)
115
00:05:11,679 --> 00:05:14,680
The Dreyer's
Ice Cream-A-Torium?
116
00:05:14,682 --> 00:05:16,315
We get a free scoop
at half-time.
117
00:05:16,317 --> 00:05:17,749
The widow
picks the flavor.
118
00:05:17,751 --> 00:05:19,584
Here comes Johnny!
119
00:05:23,257 --> 00:05:24,656
The quarterback.
120
00:05:24,658 --> 00:05:28,627
That's Juan Consuelo,
A.K.A. Johnny Concussion.
121
00:05:28,629 --> 00:05:30,362
Without a doubt,
the greatest player
122
00:05:30,364 --> 00:05:33,265
in arena football history --
probably.
123
00:05:33,267 --> 00:05:35,233
No one
keeps records.
124
00:05:43,110 --> 00:05:45,677
(cheers and applause)
125
00:05:52,353 --> 00:05:54,386
Dad, Mr. Concussion
isn't moving.
126
00:05:54,388 --> 00:05:55,887
Is he dead, too?
127
00:05:55,889 --> 00:05:57,222
Brain dead, maybe.
128
00:05:57,224 --> 00:05:58,790
Real dead, no way.
129
00:05:58,792 --> 00:06:01,226
Johnny Concussion
always gets back up.
130
00:06:01,228 --> 00:06:05,163
ANNOUNCER: Bazooka Sharks fans,
looks like Johnny's out cold.
131
00:06:05,165 --> 00:06:08,533
Let's help him
shake out those cobwebs!
132
00:06:08,535 --> 00:06:11,737
(upbeat music plays)
¶ For goodness sakes ¶
133
00:06:11,739 --> 00:06:14,973
¶ I got the hippy,
hippy shakes ¶
134
00:06:14,975 --> 00:06:18,009
¶ Yeah, I got the shakes ¶
135
00:06:18,011 --> 00:06:21,913
¶ I got the hippy,
hippy shakes ¶
136
00:06:21,915 --> 00:06:23,749
See?
He's totally fine.
137
00:06:23,751 --> 00:06:25,016
This is barbaric.
138
00:06:25,018 --> 00:06:26,685
And you're
cheering for it.
139
00:06:26,687 --> 00:06:28,220
I think
I'm gonna be sick.
140
00:06:29,256 --> 00:06:31,656
Do you have something
with the essence of ginger
141
00:06:31,658 --> 00:06:34,025
or anything
to settle a rumbly tumbly?
142
00:06:34,027 --> 00:06:35,660
I got a 'Zooka Zinger.
143
00:06:35,662 --> 00:06:37,829
That's Goldschlager
and Mountain Dew.
144
00:06:37,831 --> 00:06:40,031
Maybe just
some nachos.
145
00:06:40,033 --> 00:06:42,567
And take your time,
I'm in no rush to --
146
00:06:42,569 --> 00:06:44,202
Johnny Concussion?!
147
00:06:44,204 --> 00:06:48,039
Excuse me, young lady, could you
point me toward the field?
148
00:06:48,041 --> 00:06:50,242
The field? What --
What's wrong with you?
149
00:06:50,244 --> 00:06:51,877
You almost died
on the field.
150
00:06:51,879 --> 00:06:53,512
Yeah, the field.
151
00:06:53,514 --> 00:06:55,180
That's
where Johnny goes.
152
00:06:55,182 --> 00:06:57,849
Do you have any idea what
concussions do to your brain?
153
00:06:57,851 --> 00:06:59,518
They're killing you!
154
00:06:59,520 --> 00:07:02,921
You're looking at me.
Am I supposed to do something?
155
00:07:02,923 --> 00:07:04,523
Am I supposed to
throw a football?
156
00:07:04,525 --> 00:07:07,893
Johnny?!
Where'd you go?!
157
00:07:07,895 --> 00:07:09,694
Your team needs ya!
158
00:07:09,696 --> 00:07:12,097
Okay, Johnny, you want
to get back to the field,
159
00:07:12,099 --> 00:07:14,599
it's right through here.
160
00:07:14,601 --> 00:07:17,135
I can't go back
without my Johnny!
161
00:07:18,705 --> 00:07:20,539
Anyone care
for a nacho?
162
00:07:20,541 --> 00:07:22,140
Oh, Steve,
it's terrible!
163
00:07:22,142 --> 00:07:23,809
Johnny Concussion
is missing.
164
00:07:23,811 --> 00:07:26,945
Oh, no! They're putting in
the backup quarterback,
165
00:07:26,947 --> 00:07:28,814
Donny Forfeit!
166
00:07:28,816 --> 00:07:30,382
Don't do it,
Donny!
167
00:07:30,384 --> 00:07:33,752
I got to do it!
I don't have a choice!
168
00:07:33,754 --> 00:07:34,953
Red 42.
169
00:07:34,955 --> 00:07:36,488
Omaha!
170
00:07:36,490 --> 00:07:39,424
(whistle toots)
ANNOUNCER: Sharks forfeit!
171
00:07:39,426 --> 00:07:41,293
Why did we
draft him?!
172
00:07:41,295 --> 00:07:43,261
The season's over!
173
00:07:43,263 --> 00:07:45,130
Steve,
tell me the truth.
174
00:07:45,132 --> 00:07:47,999
Did they write two letters on me
because I'm fat?
175
00:07:52,506 --> 00:07:54,506
Last night,
after the Pizza Rockets
176
00:07:54,508 --> 00:07:57,309
defeated the Bazooka Sharks,
the town of Aberdeen
177
00:07:57,311 --> 00:07:59,077
came together
for a night of terrifying,
178
00:07:59,079 --> 00:08:00,612
but well-deserved
rioting.
179
00:08:00,614 --> 00:08:02,180
This is shameful.
180
00:08:02,182 --> 00:08:04,516
That should be
our elementary school on fire.
181
00:08:04,518 --> 00:08:07,285
I can't believe
Johnny Concussion disappeared
182
00:08:07,287 --> 00:08:08,787
in the middle
of the game.
183
00:08:08,789 --> 00:08:10,255
Yeah,
that's weird.
184
00:08:10,257 --> 00:08:12,090
But it's a mystery
we don't have time to solve.
185
00:08:12,092 --> 00:08:14,493
What, with indoor lacrosse
season only a month off.
186
00:08:14,495 --> 00:08:16,661
Laser Rats, baby!
187
00:08:16,663 --> 00:08:19,798
I bleed tangerine
and razzmatazz-red!
188
00:08:19,800 --> 00:08:21,266
Lacrosse is for girls.
189
00:08:21,268 --> 00:08:22,634
You're a girl.
190
00:08:22,636 --> 00:08:25,003
Look! They found
Johnny Concussion!
191
00:08:25,005 --> 00:08:28,340
Johnny, your surprise mid-game
retirement shocked everyone.
192
00:08:28,342 --> 00:08:29,774
Take us
through your decision.
193
00:08:29,776 --> 00:08:32,277
Honestly,
I-I didn't make the decision.
194
00:08:32,279 --> 00:08:33,979
My guardian a-angel did.
195
00:08:33,981 --> 00:08:35,514
Guardian angel?
196
00:08:35,516 --> 00:08:36,982
Oh, yeah.
197
00:08:36,984 --> 00:08:39,217
My angel said
concussions were killing me,
198
00:08:39,219 --> 00:08:41,019
and I had to
stop playing.
199
00:08:41,021 --> 00:08:44,389
He had angel glasses
and a high-pitched angel voice.
200
00:08:44,391 --> 00:08:46,691
(deep-voice)
I'm gonna be late for school.
201
00:08:46,693 --> 00:08:48,994
It was this little baby
202
00:08:48,996 --> 00:08:52,898
with a giant "A" painted
on his little, baby chest.
203
00:08:54,401 --> 00:08:57,335
So, the hunt is on
for Johnny's guardian angel.
204
00:08:57,337 --> 00:09:00,238
Wait, I'm receiving word
that it's Steve Smith.
205
00:09:00,240 --> 00:09:01,673
Thanks, Francine!
206
00:09:01,675 --> 00:09:04,376
It's your fault
our season's over?
207
00:09:04,378 --> 00:09:06,244
(sobbing)
208
00:09:06,246 --> 00:09:07,512
I just
gave him the facts!
209
00:09:07,514 --> 00:09:08,847
You should leave,
Steve.
210
00:09:08,849 --> 00:09:10,715
And come back
right after school?
211
00:09:10,717 --> 00:09:13,685
'Cause I'll
always be loved here?
212
00:09:13,687 --> 00:09:16,488
Hey, Steve? Since I'll never see
your bitch ass again,
213
00:09:16,490 --> 00:09:18,223
I might as well tell you.
214
00:09:18,225 --> 00:09:22,193
I'm the one who snaked all
your Kit-Kats last Halloween.
215
00:09:22,195 --> 00:09:25,196
(gasps)
216
00:09:25,198 --> 00:09:26,498
(crunches)
217
00:09:26,500 --> 00:09:27,999
(coughs)
218
00:09:28,001 --> 00:09:29,834
I'm choking!
219
00:09:29,836 --> 00:09:35,173
Steve, my dearest friend,
you must save me!
220
00:09:35,175 --> 00:09:37,943
In a school fire,
you got to know what you want,
221
00:09:37,945 --> 00:09:40,178
'cause the clock is ticking,
but I nailed it.
222
00:09:40,180 --> 00:09:41,713
I got
an overheard projector,
223
00:09:41,715 --> 00:09:43,748
a hand turkey
by Emily C.,
224
00:09:43,750 --> 00:09:46,685
and two dozen smoke-damaged
copies of "Hatchet."
225
00:09:46,687 --> 00:09:48,920
You were a part of those riots
in Aberdeen?
226
00:09:48,922 --> 00:09:51,356
A part?
How dare you?!
227
00:09:51,358 --> 00:09:53,458
I picked the targets,
I set the fires --
228
00:09:53,460 --> 00:09:54,960
I was an integral part!
229
00:09:54,962 --> 00:09:57,429
Oh, okay, yeah, I was a part,
but I was excited.
230
00:09:57,431 --> 00:09:59,798
It's not every day
you win a big sports bet.
231
00:09:59,800 --> 00:10:01,933
Oh, right.
I owe you a dime.
232
00:10:01,935 --> 00:10:03,435
Just grab it
out of the change bowl.
233
00:10:03,437 --> 00:10:05,770
Is there a thousand dollars cash
in that bowl,
234
00:10:05,772 --> 00:10:08,273
'cause that's what a dime is
in gambler's lingo.
235
00:10:08,275 --> 00:10:09,574
Who knows that?!
236
00:10:09,576 --> 00:10:11,309
Everyone knows that,
babe.
237
00:10:11,311 --> 00:10:13,211
I thought you were crazy
to make that bet.
238
00:10:13,213 --> 00:10:14,813
I almost said something.
239
00:10:14,815 --> 00:10:16,915
I'll never be able to pay you
a thousand dollars.
240
00:10:16,917 --> 00:10:18,950
Sure you will.
And here's how.
241
00:10:18,952 --> 00:10:21,553
Whoa!
We were just in the kitchen!
242
00:10:21,555 --> 00:10:23,922
You put a taxi meter
in my car?!
243
00:10:23,924 --> 00:10:26,558
Yep, and you're gonna
pay me back for that, too.
244
00:10:26,560 --> 00:10:29,461
But...I don't want to be
a cab driver.
245
00:10:29,463 --> 00:10:30,996
If it makes you feel
any better,
246
00:10:30,998 --> 00:10:34,733
behind the wheel of every taxi
is a sad, confused person
247
00:10:34,735 --> 00:10:37,469
who was tricked into a bet
they didn't understand.
248
00:10:37,471 --> 00:10:39,137
You're on the clock
for the next 10 hours.
249
00:10:39,139 --> 00:10:42,073
Here's a pee cup and some
rigatoni I made last week.
250
00:10:42,075 --> 00:10:43,742
I would try
to eat it today.
251
00:10:43,744 --> 00:10:46,344
There's no visible mold,
but things are happening.
252
00:10:49,650 --> 00:10:51,182
Sorry I'm late.
253
00:10:51,184 --> 00:10:53,151
A principal
in a Bazooka Sharks jersey
254
00:10:53,153 --> 00:10:55,787
stopped me in the hall,
ate my entire bag lunch,
255
00:10:55,789 --> 00:10:58,089
and then told me
my mama's cooking sucks.
256
00:11:00,927 --> 00:11:03,028
Things are getting
a little hot for me, boys.
257
00:11:03,030 --> 00:11:04,863
But as long
as we all stick together,
258
00:11:04,865 --> 00:11:07,032
you'll be able to absorb
some of that heat.
259
00:11:07,034 --> 00:11:08,633
Follow me?
I don't think so.
260
00:11:08,635 --> 00:11:10,201
I said it
in a weird way.
261
00:11:10,203 --> 00:11:13,004
Picture this -- The whole town
is freezing me out, boys.
262
00:11:13,006 --> 00:11:14,539
We can't help you,
Steve!
263
00:11:14,541 --> 00:11:17,542
We're huge
Johnny Concussion fans!
What?!
264
00:11:17,544 --> 00:11:19,878
Johnny has
a half-Asian girlfriend,
265
00:11:19,880 --> 00:11:21,980
and I respect
the hell out of that.
266
00:11:21,982 --> 00:11:24,516
(speaking Japanese)
267
00:11:26,987 --> 00:11:29,354
The dad is Asian,
Steve.
268
00:11:29,356 --> 00:11:31,189
Do you understand that?!
269
00:11:32,559 --> 00:11:35,827
Is this the girlfriend's
parents' wedding photo?
270
00:11:35,829 --> 00:11:37,662
I mean,
is it sold in stores?
271
00:11:37,664 --> 00:11:39,230
This is the dad.
272
00:11:41,868 --> 00:11:43,134
Here we are
at the museum.
273
00:11:43,136 --> 00:11:45,070
Wonderful!
And you owe me...
274
00:11:45,072 --> 00:11:46,504
nothing for the ride,
275
00:11:46,506 --> 00:11:47,806
since you won't let me
turn the meter on.
276
00:11:47,808 --> 00:11:48,873
Right, right, right,
right, right.
277
00:11:48,875 --> 00:11:50,341
You need
paying customers
278
00:11:50,343 --> 00:11:52,043
to pay me back, right.
Obviously.
279
00:11:52,045 --> 00:11:54,913
I'll get
out of your hair.
280
00:11:54,915 --> 00:11:57,415
138 and Lex.
281
00:11:57,417 --> 00:11:59,851
(sighs)
282
00:11:59,853 --> 00:12:02,554
So, you drive a cab, huh?
That's cool.
283
00:12:02,556 --> 00:12:04,255
I love to dance.
284
00:12:04,257 --> 00:12:06,324
I love to feel
people's eyes on me.
285
00:12:06,326 --> 00:12:08,560
I had a little bit
to drink tonight.
286
00:12:08,562 --> 00:12:10,395
Ahh!
287
00:12:10,397 --> 00:12:12,230
Long Island ice teas, right?
288
00:12:12,232 --> 00:12:15,166
They're so sweet, but the boys
keep buying them for me.
289
00:12:15,168 --> 00:12:17,702
If my fiancé knew,
he'd kill all of them.
290
00:12:17,704 --> 00:12:19,604
He's Dominican.
He's crazy.
291
00:12:19,606 --> 00:12:20,905
The sex is good, though.
292
00:12:20,907 --> 00:12:23,575
He calls me
his little Chihuahua.
293
00:12:23,577 --> 00:12:27,245
When I was a kid, my dad
beat the shit out of me.
294
00:12:30,050 --> 00:12:31,349
Hey, thanks
for reaching out to us.
295
00:12:31,351 --> 00:12:33,118
Happy to have you
on our show.
296
00:12:33,120 --> 00:12:35,353
Well, I just wanted a chance to
tell my side of the story.
297
00:12:35,355 --> 00:12:37,388
I think you're doing
the right thing.
298
00:12:37,390 --> 00:12:40,625
Welcome back to The Fist,
Langley's home for sports radio,
299
00:12:40,627 --> 00:12:42,293
where I'm joined
by Steve Smith,
300
00:12:42,295 --> 00:12:44,362
the little bastard
who tricked Johnny Concussion
301
00:12:44,364 --> 00:12:46,064
into retiring.
Oh, what?!
302
00:12:46,066 --> 00:12:48,199
Can you pinpoint
the exact moment
303
00:12:48,201 --> 00:12:51,069
you decided to destroy the very
fabric of this community?
304
00:12:51,071 --> 00:12:52,804
I wasn't trying
to destroy anything.
305
00:12:52,806 --> 00:12:55,039
He was wandering around
in a daze.
306
00:12:55,041 --> 00:12:57,108
Because you drugged him.
No!
307
00:12:57,110 --> 00:12:58,476
I didn't give Johnny
any drugs!
308
00:12:58,478 --> 00:13:00,478
Because you needed them all
for yourself.
309
00:13:00,480 --> 00:13:02,247
If you're just joining us,
Steve Smith is here,
310
00:13:02,249 --> 00:13:03,581
and he's
high on the drugs
311
00:13:03,583 --> 00:13:05,784
he was planning to use
on Johnny Concussion.
312
00:13:05,786 --> 00:13:07,552
None of that is true!
313
00:13:07,554 --> 00:13:09,921
I just helped a guy who was
in bad shape!
314
00:13:09,923 --> 00:13:11,756
Any decent person
would have done it!
315
00:13:11,758 --> 00:13:14,159
Mike in Lanceston,
what's your two cents?
316
00:13:14,161 --> 00:13:16,828
MIKE: Uh, yeah, I think
it's too bad the boy's on drugs,
317
00:13:16,830 --> 00:13:19,497
'cause I want him to feel what
I'm gonna do to him.
318
00:13:19,499 --> 00:13:21,166
Strong take, Mike.
Stay on the line,
319
00:13:21,168 --> 00:13:23,501
we're gonna hook you up
with some Laser Rats tickets.
320
00:13:23,503 --> 00:13:25,770
Oh, my God!
I'm going to the Rat Hive!
321
00:13:25,772 --> 00:13:28,006
Randy, what do you think
of Steve Smith?
322
00:13:28,008 --> 00:13:29,474
Hate him.
Want to murder him.
323
00:13:29,476 --> 00:13:31,075
(chuckling nervously)
No one needs to die.
324
00:13:31,077 --> 00:13:34,012
Not me, not Johnny.
It's just a game!
325
00:13:34,014 --> 00:13:36,014
Just a game?
Really?
326
00:13:36,016 --> 00:13:38,249
Was World War II
just a game?
327
00:13:38,251 --> 00:13:39,818
My grandfather was born
in the '40s,
328
00:13:39,820 --> 00:13:42,420
so I find what you're suggesting
deeply offensive.
329
00:13:42,422 --> 00:13:44,489
Caller, can you reason
with this animal?
330
00:13:44,491 --> 00:13:46,524
FRANCINE:
Steve Smith is a scumbag!
331
00:13:46,526 --> 00:13:48,293
Mom?
(dial tone)
332
00:13:48,295 --> 00:13:51,329
I'm done! This town has gone
completely insane!
333
00:13:51,331 --> 00:13:54,265
If anyone wants
to continue the conversation,
334
00:13:54,267 --> 00:13:56,668
Steve will be leaving
by our southeast exit
335
00:13:56,670 --> 00:13:58,436
in about 30 seconds.
Hurry up!
336
00:13:58,438 --> 00:13:59,938
Where am I gonna go?
Where am I gonna go?!
337
00:13:59,940 --> 00:14:01,940
(crowd yelling indistinctly)
338
00:14:01,942 --> 00:14:03,741
(horns honking)
Me, too!
339
00:14:06,980 --> 00:14:09,547
That's the boy
we agreed to kill!
340
00:14:09,549 --> 00:14:11,149
Aah!!
341
00:14:11,151 --> 00:14:14,219
¶¶
342
00:14:19,826 --> 00:14:21,626
Dad!
343
00:14:21,628 --> 00:14:24,195
Drive the boy towards me!
344
00:14:24,197 --> 00:14:26,231
CROWD: Kill! Kill!
345
00:14:28,535 --> 00:14:30,401
It's fine.
First time throwing a bolo,
346
00:14:30,403 --> 00:14:32,136
not gonna beat myself up
for missing.
347
00:14:32,138 --> 00:14:33,972
It's important
to try new weapons.
348
00:14:39,813 --> 00:14:40,879
(sighs)
349
00:14:40,881 --> 00:14:42,247
Can I help you?
350
00:14:42,249 --> 00:14:43,481
Is it possible
to mail a human
351
00:14:43,483 --> 00:14:45,083
to the other side
of the world?
352
00:14:45,085 --> 00:14:47,018
It is the policy
of Packages Etc.
353
00:14:47,020 --> 00:14:48,720
to not ship humans.
354
00:14:48,722 --> 00:14:50,421
But since
you are not human,
355
00:14:50,423 --> 00:14:52,056
but in fact,
human garbage,
356
00:14:52,058 --> 00:14:54,158
I'd love
to put you in a box.
357
00:14:54,160 --> 00:14:56,094
All right, you said your piece.
Just ship me.
358
00:14:56,096 --> 00:14:57,695
How does
overnight sound?
359
00:14:57,697 --> 00:15:00,031
Probably my best chance
of getting there alive.
360
00:15:00,033 --> 00:15:01,633
Well, that's not
how you're going.
361
00:15:07,073 --> 00:15:09,407
Phew!
Just a white devil.
362
00:15:09,409 --> 00:15:12,577
Everyone can go back to handing
each other different fruits!
363
00:15:12,579 --> 00:15:14,345
STEVE: Okay, Steve,
364
00:15:14,347 --> 00:15:18,049
this is your only chance
to make a first impression.
365
00:15:18,051 --> 00:15:21,085
(as Rip Taylor)
I'm here!!
366
00:15:26,459 --> 00:15:28,793
Where are you from,
Box Boy?
367
00:15:28,795 --> 00:15:32,463
I come from a land
far, far away,
368
00:15:32,465 --> 00:15:35,433
many moons
across the great sea.
369
00:15:35,435 --> 00:15:38,136
A place
called America.
370
00:15:38,138 --> 00:15:40,071
I know where
the United States is.
371
00:15:40,073 --> 00:15:41,639
We're not primitives.
372
00:15:41,641 --> 00:15:43,741
Oh, you'll needed to get fitted
for a dick pouch.
373
00:15:43,743 --> 00:15:46,911
No need. I'm exactly the size
of a "C" battery.
374
00:15:46,913 --> 00:15:48,479
Boy, this is great!
375
00:15:48,481 --> 00:15:51,115
I'm getting away
from a very fraught situation,
376
00:15:51,117 --> 00:15:54,319
so chilling out and enjoying
a little island life
377
00:15:54,321 --> 00:15:55,787
is just what I need.
378
00:15:55,789 --> 00:15:58,556
On this island,
everybody works!
379
00:16:01,227 --> 00:16:02,827
Baskets.
380
00:16:02,829 --> 00:16:04,562
Hmm.
381
00:16:04,564 --> 00:16:06,931
So what am I,
the distribution guy?
382
00:16:06,933 --> 00:16:08,066
Get them into stores?
383
00:16:08,068 --> 00:16:09,834
No, no,
you make the baskets.
384
00:16:09,836 --> 00:16:11,602
I don't have
any training.
385
00:16:11,604 --> 00:16:13,571
I'm still kind of
a little boy.
386
00:16:13,573 --> 00:16:14,806
Come on.
It's easy.
387
00:16:14,808 --> 00:16:17,241
Over, under,
over, under.
388
00:16:21,815 --> 00:16:23,648
¶¶
389
00:16:23,650 --> 00:16:28,119
¶ Over and over and over
and over and over ¶
390
00:16:28,121 --> 00:16:31,856
¶ Like a monkey
with a miniature cymbal ¶
391
00:16:31,858 --> 00:16:35,693
¶ The joy of repetition
really is in you ¶
392
00:16:39,632 --> 00:16:43,835
¶ Under and under and under
and under and under ¶
393
00:16:43,837 --> 00:16:47,972
¶ The smell of repetition
really is on you ¶
394
00:16:47,974 --> 00:16:51,442
¶ And when I feel this way,
I really am with you ¶
395
00:16:53,279 --> 00:16:55,446
(sighs)
Finished.
396
00:16:56,616 --> 00:16:58,216
Hmm.
If I could give you
397
00:16:58,218 --> 00:17:00,885
some criticism,
it's a little small.
398
00:17:00,887 --> 00:17:02,720
Also, it took you
three months.
399
00:17:02,722 --> 00:17:04,822
Oh, while
I got you here, Magunga,
400
00:17:04,824 --> 00:17:07,125
I wanted to put in
a vacation request.
401
00:17:07,127 --> 00:17:09,027
Oh, when
were you thinking?
402
00:17:09,029 --> 00:17:11,462
Any couple of days
within the next --
403
00:17:11,464 --> 00:17:12,897
Can't do it.
404
00:17:12,899 --> 00:17:15,466
(slow, jazzy saxophone plays)
405
00:17:18,905 --> 00:17:21,572
HAYLEY: I hadn't seen my brother
in months.
406
00:17:21,574 --> 00:17:23,741
Almost forgotten his face.
407
00:17:23,743 --> 00:17:25,910
The streets were becoming
my brother.
408
00:17:25,912 --> 00:17:27,812
ROGER: Hayley,
you paid me off two days ago.
409
00:17:27,814 --> 00:17:28,980
You don't have to
keep dr--
410
00:17:28,982 --> 00:17:31,349
But I did have to keep driving.
411
00:17:31,351 --> 00:17:33,251
Because as I was saying,
412
00:17:33,253 --> 00:17:35,520
the streets
were becoming my brother.
413
00:17:35,522 --> 00:17:37,221
ROGER: It had been days
414
00:17:37,223 --> 00:17:40,591
since Hayley watched
"Master Chef Jr" with me.
415
00:17:40,593 --> 00:17:42,660
I told her I'd wait for her,
416
00:17:42,662 --> 00:17:44,829
but I didn't. I couldn't.
417
00:17:44,831 --> 00:17:46,898
Peyton made a souffle.
418
00:17:46,900 --> 00:17:49,100
Eight years old,
making a souffle.
419
00:17:49,102 --> 00:17:50,968
Imagine that.
420
00:17:57,377 --> 00:17:59,377
Okay,
can I just say something?
421
00:17:59,379 --> 00:18:01,946
I know
one of you ate my fish,
422
00:18:01,948 --> 00:18:03,614
and it's bumming me out
a little bit
423
00:18:03,616 --> 00:18:04,882
because
I wrote my name --
424
00:18:04,884 --> 00:18:06,551
(rumbling)
425
00:18:06,553 --> 00:18:09,921
Oh, I just bent a reed
on my base stitch.
426
00:18:09,923 --> 00:18:12,090
Is it me,
or is management giving us
427
00:18:12,092 --> 00:18:13,858
a lot of dry reeds
lately?
428
00:18:13,860 --> 00:18:16,294
Forget work!
The volcano's active!
429
00:18:16,296 --> 00:18:20,398
Oh, will it kill us all?
That might be nice.
430
00:18:20,400 --> 00:18:22,467
If you're looking
to sacrifice a virgin,
431
00:18:22,469 --> 00:18:24,102
your prayers
have been answered.
432
00:18:24,104 --> 00:18:26,104
No, it's
boulder-pushing season.
433
00:18:26,106 --> 00:18:29,273
Every time the volcano erupts,
each village sends
434
00:18:29,275 --> 00:18:34,145
the strongest man, and they race
to push a boulder into it.
435
00:18:34,147 --> 00:18:35,947
Does that, like,
stop it from exploding?
436
00:18:35,949 --> 00:18:37,482
No, it's just fun!
437
00:18:37,484 --> 00:18:39,450
Micah's
from our village.
438
00:18:39,719 --> 00:18:42,120
(cheers)
439
00:18:42,122 --> 00:18:44,088
Hey, I've
seen him around.
440
00:18:44,090 --> 00:18:45,623
I'm Team Micah!
441
00:18:45,625 --> 00:18:48,025
(horn blows)
442
00:18:50,630 --> 00:18:53,197
(drums beating)
443
00:18:59,939 --> 00:19:02,673
Wow!
The volcano is so steep!
444
00:19:02,675 --> 00:19:04,609
I can't believe
how strong they are.
445
00:19:04,611 --> 00:19:06,844
Uh-oh!
Our boy's in trouble.
446
00:19:12,852 --> 00:19:15,119
(bones crunch)
Aah!!
447
00:19:15,121 --> 00:19:16,320
Oh, no!
448
00:19:16,322 --> 00:19:18,422
(grunting)
449
00:19:18,424 --> 00:19:19,757
Aah!!
450
00:19:19,759 --> 00:19:22,026
Yeah, Micah!
Kill him!
451
00:19:24,697 --> 00:19:27,064
(grunting)
452
00:19:33,139 --> 00:19:35,339
(laughs)
453
00:19:35,341 --> 00:19:37,975
We did it!
We won!
454
00:19:37,977 --> 00:19:39,677
Look how excited
everyone is.
455
00:19:39,679 --> 00:19:42,780
And why? 'Cause
they're not basket-weaving.
456
00:19:42,782 --> 00:19:45,183
I get it now.
457
00:19:45,185 --> 00:19:48,319
People spend
all day at work.
458
00:19:48,321 --> 00:19:52,823
The daily grind, the rat race,
the old punch-in, punch-out.
459
00:19:52,825 --> 00:19:56,227
And the only relief is
the promise of the weekend.
460
00:19:56,229 --> 00:19:58,629
When you get together
with your sad friends,
461
00:19:58,631 --> 00:20:01,332
numb yourself with
enough vodka to kill a horse,
462
00:20:01,334 --> 00:20:03,868
and watch an athlete
do the physically impossible
463
00:20:03,870 --> 00:20:06,904
or get gravely injured
trying.
464
00:20:06,906 --> 00:20:09,340
And that's where you come in,
Johnny Concussion.
465
00:20:09,342 --> 00:20:11,375
Will you
strap on the pads again?
466
00:20:11,377 --> 00:20:13,844
Be the shiny something
that distracts us
467
00:20:13,846 --> 00:20:15,279
from our crappy lives?
468
00:20:16,849 --> 00:20:20,151
JOHNNY:
They tell me that's the ball
from my first touchdown.
469
00:20:21,487 --> 00:20:23,921
Okay, kid, I'll do it.
470
00:20:23,923 --> 00:20:26,157
But what about
my dead brain?
471
00:20:26,159 --> 00:20:27,825
Okay, kid, I'll do it.
472
00:20:29,195 --> 00:20:30,995
That's my Johnny!
473
00:20:33,366 --> 00:20:35,833
ANNOUNCER:
Another late hit!
474
00:20:35,835 --> 00:20:39,570
Johnny really
has 'em frustrated.
475
00:20:39,572 --> 00:20:42,273
You did a good thing getting
Johnny back on the field, Steve.
476
00:20:42,275 --> 00:20:43,741
Thanks, Dad.
477
00:20:43,743 --> 00:20:47,078
And I'm sorry
your job makes you so sad.
What?
478
00:20:47,080 --> 00:20:48,946
SKY CROONER:
¶ You shake it to the left ¶
479
00:20:48,948 --> 00:20:50,514
¶ You shake it to the right ¶
480
00:20:50,516 --> 00:20:51,949
¶ My wife,
she caught me cheating ¶
481
00:20:51,951 --> 00:20:53,351
¶ Now I sleep here at night ¶
482
00:20:53,353 --> 00:20:55,720
¶ Ooh, yeah ¶
483
00:20:55,722 --> 00:20:58,189
¶ Inside the jumbotron ¶
484
00:20:58,191 --> 00:21:00,625
¶ Hoo, wa-wa-whoo! ¶
485
00:21:02,128 --> 00:21:03,961
Bye!
Have a beautiful time!
486
00:21:03,963 --> 00:21:07,798
-- Captions by VITAC --