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00:00:02,703 --> 00:00:05,137
ANNOUNCER: Welcome back to
the 70th Annual C.I.A. Awards,
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00:00:05,139 --> 00:00:07,139
with your host,
Nicki Minaj.
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00:00:07,141 --> 00:00:08,440
(applause)
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00:00:08,442 --> 00:00:10,676
When I was asked
to host these awards,
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00:00:10,678 --> 00:00:11,977
I was a little nervous.
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00:00:11,979 --> 00:00:14,113
Maybe because I was
thrown into a van
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00:00:14,115 --> 00:00:16,048
and injected with
mind-control drugs.
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00:00:16,050 --> 00:00:17,149
(laughter)
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00:00:17,151 --> 00:00:19,385
Damn,
this new Billy Crystal
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00:00:19,387 --> 00:00:21,320
has the juiciest ass.
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00:00:21,322 --> 00:00:23,155
But as they kick in,
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00:00:23,157 --> 00:00:25,324
it's becoming a night
of magical moments.
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00:00:25,326 --> 00:00:29,728
We've seen Agent Jackson
win Best Wiretap Sound Mixing.
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00:00:29,730 --> 00:00:31,463
(applause)
Whoo, Jackson!
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00:00:31,465 --> 00:00:34,133
And, of course,
Deputy Director Bullock's
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00:00:34,135 --> 00:00:36,402
annual win for Best Chili.
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00:00:36,404 --> 00:00:38,670
(applause)
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00:00:38,672 --> 00:00:42,841
And the winner for
Best Undercover Agent is...
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00:00:42,843 --> 00:00:44,910
Agent X.
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00:00:44,912 --> 00:00:48,313
(applause)
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00:00:48,315 --> 00:00:49,481
(distorted) Wow!
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I didn't even
prepare a speech.
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Felix, Isabella,
you can go to bed now.
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Oh, God.
I said your names on television.
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00:00:56,157 --> 00:00:58,090
Pack your bags.
Get out of the house.
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00:00:58,092 --> 00:00:59,892
Make sure you're not
being followed!
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Daddy's bringing this
to the place we discussed!
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00:01:03,831 --> 00:01:06,498
¶¶
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¶ Good morning, U.S.A. ¶
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¶ I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day ¶
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¶ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ¶
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¶ And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race ¶
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¶ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ¶
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00:01:25,453 --> 00:01:28,020
¶ Good -- ¶
¶ Good morning, U.S.A. ¶
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Aah!
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¶ Good morning, U.S.A. ¶
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(applause)
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And the award for
Most Elusive Villain goes to...
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00:01:39,767 --> 00:01:42,401
(whispering)
Is everyone in position?
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00:01:42,403 --> 00:01:43,769
The Falcon!
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(silenced gunfire)
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ANNOUNCER:
This is the third time
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00:01:47,575 --> 00:01:49,608
the Falcon has not
fallen for this.
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00:01:49,610 --> 00:01:52,244
And now,
the only agent who refuses
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00:01:52,246 --> 00:01:55,781
to wear a towel in
the C.I.A. locker room, Duper!
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00:01:55,783 --> 00:01:57,149
(applause)
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00:01:57,151 --> 00:02:00,052
The nominees for
Best Spy Seduction Are...
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00:02:00,054 --> 00:02:03,255
Tyrese Gibson for
"Senior Seduction."
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00:02:03,257 --> 00:02:05,057
(applause)
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00:02:05,059 --> 00:02:08,794
¶¶
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00:02:08,796 --> 00:02:11,563
Dick Reynolds for
"Dictator's Horse."
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00:02:11,565 --> 00:02:12,664
(applause)
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(insects chirping)
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(beeping)
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00:02:21,075 --> 00:02:23,442
(squish!)
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00:02:23,444 --> 00:02:27,813
And Stan Smith for "Smokin' Hot
North Korean Super Spy."
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We simply must stop running
into each other like this.
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00:02:32,119 --> 00:02:34,286
Red wine and Everclear.
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00:02:34,288 --> 00:02:35,921
You remembered.
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00:02:35,923 --> 00:02:39,591
Or maybe I just
forgot to forget.
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00:02:39,593 --> 00:02:42,528
¶¶
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(applause)
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00:02:49,103 --> 00:02:50,702
And the winner is...
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Stan Smith.
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00:02:52,506 --> 00:02:54,306
(applause)
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¶¶
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Oh, there's so many
people to thank.
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00:02:58,445 --> 00:03:00,946
But I wouldn't be here without
my elementary school
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00:03:00,948 --> 00:03:03,182
gym teacher, Mr. Raggins,
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00:03:03,184 --> 00:03:05,517
who taught me everything I know
about seduction.
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00:03:05,519 --> 00:03:09,288
(cheers and applause)
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After all these years,
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00:03:15,829 --> 00:03:18,297
it turns out Stan Smith
can be romantic!
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You seduced the crap
out of that spy.
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No biggie.
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00:03:21,835 --> 00:03:24,203
I just put hours of thought into
who she is as a person
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00:03:24,205 --> 00:03:25,637
and what would
make her truly happy,
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00:03:25,639 --> 00:03:26,905
and then I gave it to her.
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00:03:26,907 --> 00:03:29,675
Well, how about you
give it to me?
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Pass.
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(blows nose)
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Sexy Stan is just an act
I put on for work.
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At home,
you get the real me.
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This little sucker was
trying to make a run for it.
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00:03:42,656 --> 00:03:45,157
The hell you do.
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00:03:45,159 --> 00:03:46,758
Francine, I think I feel
a pimple on my back.
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00:03:46,760 --> 00:03:48,026
Can you take a look?
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00:03:48,028 --> 00:03:50,362
Can we do our
gross stuff tomorrow?
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I'm still hoping to get
a little of that sexy,
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suave Stan I saw tonight.
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00:03:55,002 --> 00:03:57,603
Hey, it's not like you're hot
and sexy 24/7 either.
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00:03:57,605 --> 00:03:59,938
What about your nasty,
jagged toenail
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00:03:59,940 --> 00:04:01,907
that's always scratching up
my leg in bed?
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00:04:01,909 --> 00:04:04,176
You ran over my foot
with your car
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00:04:04,178 --> 00:04:05,844
and it never
grew back right!
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00:04:05,846 --> 00:04:08,013
That was for a bit,
and it was hilarious.
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This is exactly my point.
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I bet you don't talk to Korean
spies about their toenails.
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Of course not.
They're Korean.
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Well-manicured feet
are part of the deal.
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I'm going to bed,
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right after I just destroy
the bathroom.
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(door closes)
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Oh, Francine,
you deserve better.
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Klaus?
Were you hiding back there?
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Hiding?
This is a normal bowl spot.
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00:04:30,804 --> 00:04:33,972
Listen, the reason Stan
only romances spies
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00:04:33,974 --> 00:04:36,875
is because spies
have something he needs,
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and you don't.
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That's not true.
I have a --
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Vaginas don't count.
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They're, like,
all over the place.
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Throw a rock,
you'll hit three.
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Beep, beep, beep.
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(birds chirping)
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Last night was a doozy.
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Woke up in a pool of blood
with my thumb up my ass.
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00:04:55,829 --> 00:04:57,396
I think I'm sleeping wrong.
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00:04:57,398 --> 00:05:00,932
And I brought Miss Nicki Minaj
back here
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00:05:00,934 --> 00:05:04,202
and had the squeakiest sex
of my life.
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00:05:07,007 --> 00:05:08,840
Or did I?
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Francine?
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00:05:10,244 --> 00:05:12,811
Honey, I feel awful
about last night.
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I know you can't be the same guy
at home as you are at work,
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00:05:16,250 --> 00:05:22,020
so I came down to break me off
a piece of sexy work Stan.
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Right here,
in front of everyone?
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00:05:24,024 --> 00:05:27,326
Oh, I think they'll leave us
alone when they hear about
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the double fudge brownies
I left in the kitchen.
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I get your drift,
you sly little minx.
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Attention, everyone!
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There's brownies
in the kitchen!
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Follow me!
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God, I'm bored,
but things will pick up
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as soon as the mail
gets here.
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Oh, yeah. The mail's
going to be a game changer.
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I mean, it's the mail.
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The mail always delivers.
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(tires screech)
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Guess what!
I'm into classic cars now.
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Screw the mail!
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Oh, yeah!
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That's right.
I'm going to be one of
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those regal road dogs,
showing off his wheels
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00:06:01,962 --> 00:06:03,895
in the Bob's Big Boy
parking lot,
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00:06:03,897 --> 00:06:05,163
a real PTHer.
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00:06:05,165 --> 00:06:07,466
PTH stands for
"Pop The Hood."
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00:06:07,468 --> 00:06:09,801
We have our own lingo,
us car-heads.
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"Car-heads" meaning
"car likers."
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Roger, this is so cool.
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How'd you get into it?
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00:06:14,575 --> 00:06:16,742
Well, if you must know...
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I was wheelbarrowing home
from the liquor store
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00:06:19,313 --> 00:06:21,146
when I happened upon
a vintage Mustang.
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Now, normally,
I couldn't care less about
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some old hunk of junk,
but something happened,
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00:06:26,153 --> 00:06:30,188
something truly amazing.
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00:06:30,190 --> 00:06:33,759
I mean, what's better than a
thumbs-up from a mustache guy?
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00:06:33,761 --> 00:06:36,595
I don't know, two mustache guys
giving you a thumbs-up?
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Oh, no.
You don't want that. Trust me.
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The answer is nothing.
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00:06:39,733 --> 00:06:41,233
Nothing is better.
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And if toolin' around
in some old car
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is my ticket to Thumb Town,
then vroom, vroom, baby!
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"Vroom, vroom."
I like the sound of that.
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How do we get involved?
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00:06:51,345 --> 00:06:54,179
It's Classic Cruisers night
down at the Triple B --
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00:06:54,181 --> 00:06:55,881
Bob's Big Boy.
More lingo.
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So, how about we buff another
coat of sparkle on this baby
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00:06:58,585 --> 00:07:00,685
and go get thumbed by
a mustache guy?
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Vroom, vroom!
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00:07:01,722 --> 00:07:03,188
Oh, yeah!
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00:07:05,759 --> 00:07:07,626
(laughter)
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00:07:07,628 --> 00:07:10,128
Oh, my God.
We're so bad.
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At eating.
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00:07:11,765 --> 00:07:14,099
Sir, a thumb drive with
the identities of half
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00:07:14,101 --> 00:07:16,301
our undercover agents around
the world was stolen
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00:07:16,303 --> 00:07:17,769
during our
brownie break!
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00:07:17,771 --> 00:07:20,205
Well, those agents
knew the risks.
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00:07:20,207 --> 00:07:22,774
The drive also had a copy of
your secret chili recipe.
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00:07:22,776 --> 00:07:25,076
Aaaah!
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00:07:25,078 --> 00:07:27,479
We must stop at nothing
to get that drive back.
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00:07:27,481 --> 00:07:30,215
Nothing!
But who could have stolen it?
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00:07:30,217 --> 00:07:32,651
The Jackal?
The Falcon? Who?
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00:07:32,653 --> 00:07:34,119
¶¶
185
00:07:34,121 --> 00:07:35,921
The Beaver.
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00:07:35,923 --> 00:07:38,657
Sorry, Francine,
are you talking to somebody?
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I'm not Francine.
188
00:07:40,227 --> 00:07:43,929
I'm a hot-ass super spy
with stolen C.I.A. secrets.
189
00:07:43,931 --> 00:07:45,163
¶¶
190
00:07:45,165 --> 00:07:46,631
The Beaver.
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00:07:46,633 --> 00:07:49,267
Oh, I want a cool
spy name.
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00:07:49,269 --> 00:07:50,469
I will be...
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00:07:50,471 --> 00:07:51,603
¶¶
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The Beaver.
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00:07:52,840 --> 00:07:54,906
Hold on.
That's my name.
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No way!
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00:07:56,477 --> 00:08:00,579
We came up with the same spy
name at the exact same time.
198
00:08:05,252 --> 00:08:06,618
You were right, Klaus.
199
00:08:06,620 --> 00:08:09,087
I didn't have
anything Stan needs.
200
00:08:09,089 --> 00:08:10,355
But now I do.
201
00:08:10,357 --> 00:08:13,091
Or should I say
the Beaver does?
202
00:08:13,093 --> 00:08:14,960
And once the C.I.A. realizes
203
00:08:14,962 --> 00:08:17,329
a lady spy
has their thumb drive,
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00:08:17,331 --> 00:08:19,998
they'll send Stan
to romance it away from her.
205
00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:22,334
And "her" is me!
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00:08:22,336 --> 00:08:25,871
So it's me who's getting
romanced by Stan,
207
00:08:25,873 --> 00:08:28,473
because I have
something he needs!
208
00:08:28,475 --> 00:08:30,141
Yeah, I got it
like five words in.
209
00:08:30,143 --> 00:08:31,543
It's not that complicated.
210
00:08:31,545 --> 00:08:34,980
Now I just need a website
for the C.I.A. to find
211
00:08:34,982 --> 00:08:38,149
advertising that the drive
is for sale to terrorists.
212
00:08:38,151 --> 00:08:39,184
I can make it!
213
00:08:39,186 --> 00:08:41,086
I bleed HTML!
214
00:08:42,956 --> 00:08:46,858
Okay, let's set this baby up
with a CSS on the back end,
215
00:08:46,860 --> 00:08:49,060
tweak the G.U.I.,
enable JavaScript,
216
00:08:49,062 --> 00:08:53,565
register the site at
geocities.com, and...voilà.
217
00:08:53,567 --> 00:08:56,034
Klaus!
It's breathtaking!
218
00:08:56,036 --> 00:08:57,469
Hold on, hold on.
219
00:08:57,471 --> 00:09:00,372
The cherry on top.
220
00:09:00,374 --> 00:09:04,042
(midi music playing)
221
00:09:16,156 --> 00:09:19,291
And it can't
be turned off.
222
00:09:22,095 --> 00:09:24,329
Sure, the outside
looks clean,
223
00:09:24,331 --> 00:09:26,865
but what about the engine?
224
00:09:26,867 --> 00:09:28,333
(engine running)
225
00:09:28,335 --> 00:09:31,236
Hmm, it's so clean,
I can eat an egg off it.
226
00:09:31,238 --> 00:09:33,838
Mmm.
(sizzling)
227
00:09:37,377 --> 00:09:41,079
I declare this vintage
automobile perfectly restored.
228
00:09:41,081 --> 00:09:44,482
Roger, look --
a mustache man!
229
00:09:46,253 --> 00:09:47,586
He's giving you
a thumbs-up!
230
00:09:47,588 --> 00:09:50,422
And he's got the bacon
for your eggs!
231
00:09:50,424 --> 00:09:52,257
Shh.
232
00:09:52,259 --> 00:09:54,125
Shut the (bleep) up,
Steve.
233
00:09:56,964 --> 00:09:59,130
Is that Jay Leno?
234
00:09:59,132 --> 00:10:02,233
Yep. Classic cars are
the perfect Leno bait.
235
00:10:02,235 --> 00:10:04,135
See, this wasn't about
Bob's Big Boy
236
00:10:04,137 --> 00:10:05,570
mustache rides
or whatever.
237
00:10:05,572 --> 00:10:07,639
It's about revenge.
238
00:10:10,611 --> 00:10:13,712
Wow, Roger's gotten a lot of use
out of that dog-catcher pole.
239
00:10:13,714 --> 00:10:15,447
Great purchase.
240
00:10:18,085 --> 00:10:20,385
(beep)
Guys, I have a Google alert
241
00:10:20,387 --> 00:10:23,054
for the word "spies,"
and a new site just went up.
242
00:10:23,056 --> 00:10:24,889
Ooh! Sparkly!
243
00:10:24,891 --> 00:10:26,424
High tech!
244
00:10:26,426 --> 00:10:30,228
This Beaver claims to be
a hot-ass super spy
245
00:10:30,230 --> 00:10:32,597
selling a stolen
C.I.A. thumb drive.
246
00:10:32,599 --> 00:10:34,299
How are we going to
get that drive back?
247
00:10:34,301 --> 00:10:36,267
We're not going to
do anything.
248
00:10:36,269 --> 00:10:37,902
We'll send in
our heartbreaker.
249
00:10:37,904 --> 00:10:39,804
Smith, get to work.
250
00:10:39,806 --> 00:10:41,339
Right away, sir.
251
00:10:41,341 --> 00:10:43,908
(midi music playing)
252
00:10:43,910 --> 00:10:45,410
(music stops)
253
00:10:45,412 --> 00:10:46,511
Oop!
254
00:10:49,449 --> 00:10:52,317
Ooh!
Stan's in the chat room.
255
00:10:52,319 --> 00:10:53,685
"Hello, stranger.
256
00:10:53,687 --> 00:10:55,954
Welcome to
the Beaver's Dam."
257
00:10:55,956 --> 00:10:57,355
Watch out, boys.
258
00:10:57,357 --> 00:10:59,591
Things are about to
get charming.
259
00:10:59,593 --> 00:11:02,427
"Miss Beaver,
I understand you have
260
00:11:02,429 --> 00:11:05,030
a hot item
you're looking to share."
261
00:11:06,333 --> 00:11:07,365
(ding!)
262
00:11:07,367 --> 00:11:09,000
Winky face.
263
00:11:09,002 --> 00:11:10,435
A keyboard Casanova.
264
00:11:10,437 --> 00:11:11,703
Ahh!
265
00:11:11,705 --> 00:11:14,472
"A lot of men
want my hot item.
266
00:11:14,474 --> 00:11:16,541
Why should I
give it to you?"
267
00:11:16,543 --> 00:11:18,877
"You give me your thumb drive
268
00:11:18,879 --> 00:11:21,680
and I'll give you
my 6-inch floppy."
269
00:11:21,682 --> 00:11:23,515
My God.
This is so erotic.
270
00:11:23,517 --> 00:11:27,018
I know.
Stan's finally seducing me.
271
00:11:27,020 --> 00:11:29,521
Although I never pictured you
being part of it.
272
00:11:29,523 --> 00:11:31,690
Funny, it's the only way
I pictured it.
273
00:11:31,692 --> 00:11:34,292
(beeping)
274
00:11:34,294 --> 00:11:36,895
(keys clacking)
275
00:11:36,897 --> 00:11:37,962
(beeping)
276
00:11:37,964 --> 00:11:40,832
(laughs)
277
00:11:40,834 --> 00:11:43,168
(keys clacking)
278
00:11:43,170 --> 00:11:46,604
(giggling)
279
00:11:49,309 --> 00:11:52,577
(keys clacking)
280
00:11:59,219 --> 00:12:01,553
(rapid clacking)
281
00:12:01,555 --> 00:12:06,524
(all gasping)
282
00:12:06,526 --> 00:12:09,194
"There's a masquerade ball
on Friday.
283
00:12:09,196 --> 00:12:13,264
Be dressed in red and we'll
make a little exchange."
284
00:12:13,266 --> 00:12:17,335
"I was hoping for
more of a big exchange."
285
00:12:17,337 --> 00:12:20,538
"How about
an average-sized exchange
286
00:12:20,540 --> 00:12:22,941
from a very
attentive exchanger,
287
00:12:22,943 --> 00:12:27,712
one with the stamina
for up to two exchanges?"
288
00:12:27,714 --> 00:12:30,215
(muffled shouting)
289
00:12:30,217 --> 00:12:33,418
Roger, this cage is supposed
to be for the whole family,
290
00:12:33,420 --> 00:12:35,220
but you're always
the one using it.
291
00:12:35,222 --> 00:12:37,555
And why exactly
did you need to capture
292
00:12:37,557 --> 00:12:39,023
a retired talk-show host?
293
00:12:39,025 --> 00:12:40,258
(shouting continues)
294
00:12:40,260 --> 00:12:41,459
(clang)
295
00:12:41,461 --> 00:12:43,228
Simple.
I was flipping through
296
00:12:43,230 --> 00:12:45,563
my revenge book the other day
and saw his name in there.
297
00:12:45,565 --> 00:12:46,698
Whoa!
298
00:12:46,700 --> 00:12:48,366
What did Jay Leno do to you?
299
00:12:48,368 --> 00:12:50,401
Oh, I'll tell you
what he did.
300
00:12:50,403 --> 00:12:53,104
The year was 1978
301
00:12:53,106 --> 00:12:55,607
and I had a weekly spot
at the Comedy Store.
302
00:12:55,609 --> 00:12:57,909
I was an angry comic,
very political,
303
00:12:57,911 --> 00:13:00,545
driven beyond all reason
to shock people,
304
00:13:00,547 --> 00:13:03,882
and in the audience one night
was a young Jay Leno.
305
00:13:03,884 --> 00:13:07,051
Oh, my God!
Leno stole your jokes?
306
00:13:07,053 --> 00:13:08,620
Yeah, no,
now that I think of it,
307
00:13:08,622 --> 00:13:11,756
he was actually just giving me
helpful feedback.
308
00:13:11,758 --> 00:13:14,592
I had a 10-minute bit about
poisoning Jimmy Carter
309
00:13:14,594 --> 00:13:16,961
and Jay suggested I talk about
how airplane food
310
00:13:16,963 --> 00:13:18,396
doesn't taste good instead.
311
00:13:18,398 --> 00:13:21,132
That eventually led to
my famous train-food bit
312
00:13:21,134 --> 00:13:22,734
which got me kicked
off "Star Search"
313
00:13:22,736 --> 00:13:25,170
because it was
too racist.
314
00:13:25,172 --> 00:13:27,739
So Jay Leno didn't
do anything wrong to you.
315
00:13:27,741 --> 00:13:29,808
He's in the revenge book,
Hayley.
316
00:13:29,810 --> 00:13:31,609
That means he did something
that is worthy
317
00:13:31,611 --> 00:13:33,978
of taking revenge upon,
Hayley.
318
00:13:33,980 --> 00:13:36,281
Wonder what it was.
319
00:13:36,283 --> 00:13:38,416
So, Jay,
do you ever get nervous
320
00:13:38,418 --> 00:13:41,419
that you're going to make a joke
and nobody's going to laugh?
321
00:13:41,421 --> 00:13:42,754
(muffled mumbling)
322
00:13:42,756 --> 00:13:44,322
Come on,
comic to comic.
323
00:13:44,324 --> 00:13:45,824
(speaks indistinctly)
324
00:13:45,826 --> 00:13:47,926
Shut up!
How dare you distract me
325
00:13:47,928 --> 00:13:50,028
from trying to remember
why I hate you.
326
00:13:50,030 --> 00:13:52,931
¶¶
327
00:14:00,273 --> 00:14:02,340
Well, well, well.
328
00:14:02,342 --> 00:14:04,542
If it isn't --
Francine?!
329
00:14:04,544 --> 00:14:05,877
What the hell
are you doing here?!
330
00:14:05,879 --> 00:14:07,712
Who's Francine Smith?
331
00:14:07,714 --> 00:14:08,847
I'm...
332
00:14:08,849 --> 00:14:10,381
¶¶
333
00:14:10,383 --> 00:14:11,683
The Beaver.
334
00:14:11,685 --> 00:14:13,852
First off,
that's Klaus' spy name.
335
00:14:13,854 --> 00:14:15,553
And second,
what the hell are you doing
336
00:14:15,555 --> 00:14:17,455
stealing classified
national secrets?
337
00:14:17,457 --> 00:14:20,825
I wanted you to seduce me,
like you do your spies.
338
00:14:20,827 --> 00:14:22,560
When I do that,
it's an act.
339
00:14:22,562 --> 00:14:23,795
What we have is real.
340
00:14:23,797 --> 00:14:25,463
It's the everyday stuff.
341
00:14:25,465 --> 00:14:27,832
It's eating Bagel Bites
while watching "Shark Tank"
342
00:14:27,834 --> 00:14:29,200
until one of us
falls asleep.
343
00:14:29,202 --> 00:14:30,869
Now give me that drive.
344
00:14:30,871 --> 00:14:32,470
Fine.
345
00:14:32,472 --> 00:14:34,072
My purse!
It's gone!
346
00:14:34,074 --> 00:14:36,708
And the drive's inside it!
347
00:14:36,710 --> 00:14:38,209
It's the Falcon!
348
00:14:38,211 --> 00:14:40,011
(tires squeal)
349
00:14:40,013 --> 00:14:43,081
Hurry! Get the valet
to bring your car
350
00:14:43,083 --> 00:14:44,148
and we'll chase him!
351
00:14:44,150 --> 00:14:45,850
I-I didn't valet.
352
00:14:45,852 --> 00:14:47,552
You know it's free, Stan.
353
00:14:47,554 --> 00:14:49,254
But you've still
got to tip him.
354
00:14:49,256 --> 00:14:51,623
Maybe I should have
married the Falcon.
355
00:14:56,396 --> 00:14:57,929
Damn it, Francine!
356
00:14:57,931 --> 00:14:59,731
The Falcon could be anywhere
with that thumb drive.
357
00:14:59,733 --> 00:15:01,766
The C.I.A. has
no way to find him.
358
00:15:01,768 --> 00:15:04,869
I'm sorry, Stan,
but if the C.I.A.
359
00:15:04,871 --> 00:15:07,338
can't get to him,
maybe you need to...
360
00:15:07,340 --> 00:15:09,274
leave it to the Beaver.
361
00:15:09,276 --> 00:15:11,209
The show's called
"Leave It to Beaver."
362
00:15:11,211 --> 00:15:13,511
If you're adding words to
make it work, abandon ship.
363
00:15:13,513 --> 00:15:16,214
Listen, he knew I'd be
at the masquerade ball.
364
00:15:16,216 --> 00:15:18,883
He must have been
monitoring my chat room.
365
00:15:18,885 --> 00:15:20,385
Let's see if
he still is.
366
00:15:20,387 --> 00:15:24,255
"Well-played, Falcon,
but I have even better
367
00:15:24,257 --> 00:15:27,892
C.I.A. info than
what was on that drive."
368
00:15:27,894 --> 00:15:29,961
The trap is set.
369
00:15:29,963 --> 00:15:32,196
I guess we've got
some time on our hands.
370
00:15:32,198 --> 00:15:35,199
How much you want to bet me
I can fit inside the wall?
371
00:15:41,207 --> 00:15:43,474
You owe me 10 bucks.
372
00:15:43,476 --> 00:15:45,476
ROGER: No sleeping!
373
00:15:45,478 --> 00:15:49,213
I will remember
what you did to me.
374
00:15:49,215 --> 00:15:50,848
I think I know.
375
00:15:53,253 --> 00:15:55,420
Good question.
Hmm.
376
00:15:55,422 --> 00:15:57,488
Who is the current
vice president?
377
00:15:57,490 --> 00:15:59,924
Oh!
"Stone Cold" Steve Austin!
378
00:15:59,926 --> 00:16:01,893
(laughter)
379
00:16:01,895 --> 00:16:03,494
You know what?
Screw you!
380
00:16:03,496 --> 00:16:05,129
People are stupid?
That's your joke?
381
00:16:05,131 --> 00:16:07,799
That the average Joes
you've spent decades
382
00:16:07,801 --> 00:16:09,300
pandering to
are idiots?
383
00:16:09,302 --> 00:16:12,804
Well, we're not.
That's a stereostripe!
384
00:16:12,806 --> 00:16:15,006
(laughter)
385
00:16:16,409 --> 00:16:17,742
And there you have it,
386
00:16:17,744 --> 00:16:19,978
the reason you want revenge
on Jay Leno.
387
00:16:19,980 --> 00:16:21,946
Actually,
as humiliating as that was,
388
00:16:21,948 --> 00:16:24,082
a casting agent saw it
and booked me a role
389
00:16:24,084 --> 00:16:25,650
on "NCIS: L.A."
390
00:16:25,652 --> 00:16:29,787
It was huge for my career,
just -- just huge.
391
00:16:29,789 --> 00:16:32,623
¶¶
392
00:16:32,625 --> 00:16:34,492
Freeze!
NCIS L.A.!
393
00:16:34,494 --> 00:16:36,995
NCIS L.A.!
Hands in the air!
394
00:16:38,832 --> 00:16:40,598
(laughs)
(laughs)
395
00:16:40,600 --> 00:16:43,301
Only in NCIS: L.A.
396
00:16:43,303 --> 00:16:44,435
(beep)
397
00:16:44,437 --> 00:16:45,503
Stan!
398
00:16:45,505 --> 00:16:47,338
The Falcon replied!
399
00:16:47,340 --> 00:16:50,108
"Beaver, I want to
buy new secrets.
400
00:16:50,110 --> 00:16:53,778
Meet me at casino
to discuss.
401
00:16:53,780 --> 00:16:55,546
I send address."
402
00:16:55,548 --> 00:16:57,648
STAN: Well,
pack your bags, Beaver.
403
00:16:57,650 --> 00:17:00,018
Looks like we're going on
a mission.
404
00:17:00,020 --> 00:17:02,153
Huh.
I'm only at the stairs?
405
00:17:02,155 --> 00:17:03,788
I thought I made it
to the kitchen.
406
00:17:03,790 --> 00:17:06,090
¶¶
407
00:17:12,232 --> 00:17:13,898
(needle-scratch)
I told you,
408
00:17:13,900 --> 00:17:15,800
you're way over-dressed
for Atlantic City.
409
00:17:15,802 --> 00:17:17,335
Now, let's get
that drive back.
410
00:17:17,337 --> 00:17:19,303
He's not just
going to give it to us.
411
00:17:19,305 --> 00:17:21,172
That's why you're going to
seduce him
412
00:17:21,174 --> 00:17:22,473
and get him up
to the hotel room
413
00:17:22,475 --> 00:17:23,808
where I'll be waiting.
414
00:17:23,810 --> 00:17:25,343
Sexy spy fun!
415
00:17:25,345 --> 00:17:27,011
No.
Life-and-death work.
416
00:17:27,013 --> 00:17:28,546
And there's our man.
417
00:17:31,918 --> 00:17:35,219
I believe we have business
to discuss, Mr. Falcon.
418
00:17:35,221 --> 00:17:37,355
Shall we adjourn
to my room?
419
00:17:37,357 --> 00:17:40,391
You expect me to go upstairs
with a stranger?
420
00:17:40,393 --> 00:17:42,527
(laughs)
421
00:17:42,529 --> 00:17:44,495
I am more careful
than that.
422
00:17:44,497 --> 00:17:47,532
Before I go with you,
I must know --
423
00:17:47,534 --> 00:17:51,002
is the inspection certificate
in the elevator up to date?
424
00:17:51,004 --> 00:17:54,238
(both gasping)
425
00:17:54,240 --> 00:17:56,607
Sorry to make it
a whole big thing,
426
00:17:56,609 --> 00:17:59,010
but I just
don't trust elevators
427
00:17:59,012 --> 00:18:01,579
when sign says
"certificate on file
428
00:18:01,581 --> 00:18:04,182
at front desk."
429
00:18:06,019 --> 00:18:07,919
Okay, guys?
This is funny.
430
00:18:07,921 --> 00:18:10,588
This is really,
really funny, like, classic me.
431
00:18:10,590 --> 00:18:13,357
Turns out this isn't
my revenge book at all!
432
00:18:13,359 --> 00:18:14,859
It's my autograph book!
433
00:18:14,861 --> 00:18:16,561
And to think
I chemically blinded
434
00:18:16,563 --> 00:18:18,229
Michael Chiklis
for nothing!
435
00:18:18,231 --> 00:18:20,064
So if Leno didn't
do anything wrong,
436
00:18:20,066 --> 00:18:21,532
can we let him go now?
437
00:18:21,534 --> 00:18:22,900
Uh, yeah, Steve.
438
00:18:22,902 --> 00:18:24,702
Is he always like this?
439
00:18:24,704 --> 00:18:26,237
(flies buzzing)
440
00:18:26,239 --> 00:18:29,607
Okay, who was in charge
of feeding him?
441
00:18:29,609 --> 00:18:31,409
Guys, come on.
442
00:18:31,411 --> 00:18:34,378
Let's not let Jay Leno
ruin yet another night.
443
00:18:34,380 --> 00:18:36,447
Well, I'll be.
444
00:18:36,449 --> 00:18:38,749
Eyes to the right, kids.
445
00:18:38,751 --> 00:18:39,884
(ding!)
446
00:18:39,886 --> 00:18:40,918
(ding!)
447
00:18:40,920 --> 00:18:42,086
(ding!)
448
00:18:42,088 --> 00:18:43,154
Huh.
449
00:18:43,156 --> 00:18:44,789
That does feel
kind of good.
450
00:18:44,791 --> 00:18:46,824
Maybe we should have done
the classic car thing.
451
00:18:46,826 --> 00:18:48,993
Oh, well.
Live and learn.
452
00:18:54,567 --> 00:18:58,102
Here we are,
all alone in my room.
453
00:18:58,104 --> 00:18:59,570
Oh, God!
454
00:18:59,572 --> 00:19:01,806
Tell your partner
to throw out his weapon
455
00:19:01,808 --> 00:19:04,075
and come out
with his hands up.
456
00:19:04,077 --> 00:19:05,409
Stan, he's got a gun!
457
00:19:05,411 --> 00:19:08,279
This isn't fun anymore!
458
00:19:08,281 --> 00:19:10,348
STAN: Okay, Falcon,
you've got my gun.
459
00:19:10,350 --> 00:19:12,116
How about sliding me
a magazine?
460
00:19:12,118 --> 00:19:13,851
I'm in the middle of
a monster D here
461
00:19:13,853 --> 00:19:16,254
and I'm tired of reading
this shampoo bottle.
462
00:19:16,256 --> 00:19:17,688
(clicking)
463
00:19:17,690 --> 00:19:19,924
This is all my fault,
Stan.
464
00:19:19,926 --> 00:19:23,294
I got obsessed with you
as this sexy spy.
465
00:19:23,296 --> 00:19:24,829
But I get it now.
466
00:19:24,831 --> 00:19:27,465
It's work
and it's terrifying,
467
00:19:27,467 --> 00:19:30,935
and I understand why you don't
want to bring it home.
468
00:19:30,937 --> 00:19:32,637
It's my fault too,
baby.
469
00:19:32,639 --> 00:19:34,672
I'm sorry,
but I understand now.
470
00:19:34,674 --> 00:19:38,376
Even ordinary women deserve to
feel special from time to time.
471
00:19:38,378 --> 00:19:41,712
Well, right now,
I'd give anything to be home
472
00:19:41,714 --> 00:19:44,882
in sweatpants with
the regular old Stan I know.
473
00:19:44,884 --> 00:19:46,450
That's it!
474
00:19:46,452 --> 00:19:48,319
We know every little detail
about each other,
475
00:19:48,321 --> 00:19:52,356
like that you haven't filed down
that jagged toenail in weeks.
476
00:19:52,358 --> 00:19:53,891
(scratching)
477
00:19:55,228 --> 00:19:57,795
What in the hell
are you two --
478
00:19:57,797 --> 00:19:59,463
Ew! Why you do that?
479
00:19:59,465 --> 00:20:01,799
It's so gross!
I can't look!
480
00:20:01,801 --> 00:20:04,035
Stan, your toothpick!
481
00:20:04,037 --> 00:20:05,069
Hyah!
482
00:20:05,071 --> 00:20:08,339
Aaaaaaah!
483
00:20:08,341 --> 00:20:10,908
That's what you get for
"picking" a fight
484
00:20:10,910 --> 00:20:12,643
with the C.I.A.
485
00:20:12,645 --> 00:20:15,046
(thud)
486
00:20:17,016 --> 00:20:20,484
And the winner of
Best Couples Kill is...
487
00:20:20,486 --> 00:20:23,187
Stan and Francine Smith!
488
00:20:23,189 --> 00:20:25,056
(applause)
489
00:20:25,058 --> 00:20:27,225
¶¶
490
00:20:27,227 --> 00:20:29,160
STAN: We simply must stop
491
00:20:29,162 --> 00:20:30,661
running into
each other like this.
492
00:20:32,432 --> 00:20:34,232
¶¶
493
00:20:40,940 --> 00:20:42,873
Mmm!
Mmm!
494
00:20:42,875 --> 00:20:45,076
Oh, Stan.
495
00:20:45,078 --> 00:20:47,778
I love it when
you're romantic.
496
00:20:47,780 --> 00:20:51,916
And I love it when you
taste like Bagel Bites.
497
00:20:51,918 --> 00:20:54,185
¶¶
498
00:21:02,095 --> 00:21:04,128
Bye-bye! See you soon!
499
00:21:04,130 --> 00:21:07,999
-- Captions by VITAC --