1
00:00:03,471 --> 00:00:06,138
So when they asked me
to train the new hire, Diane,
2
00:00:06,140 --> 00:00:08,507
I was like, "Get me
a beef sandwich, Diane!"
3
00:00:08,509 --> 00:00:11,110
Then Diane send Dick
to get the sandwich.
4
00:00:11,112 --> 00:00:13,779
Diane totally gets how
things work at the CIA.
5
00:00:13,781 --> 00:00:15,447
Sorry, Francine,
what did you ask me?
6
00:00:15,449 --> 00:00:17,282
I asked you to let go
of my wrist.
7
00:00:17,284 --> 00:00:21,520
You tried to take a waffle,
and I'm first waffle guy.
8
00:00:21,522 --> 00:00:23,122
Stan, can I catch
a ride?
9
00:00:23,124 --> 00:00:25,824
Got my first shift for
Southwest Airlines today.
10
00:00:25,826 --> 00:00:28,227
What? You don't know anything
about being a flight attendant.
11
00:00:28,229 --> 00:00:29,962
But I do know comedy.
12
00:00:29,964 --> 00:00:32,131
And that's all
that matters at Southwest.
13
00:00:32,133 --> 00:00:33,665
With you there,
people should check
14
00:00:33,667 --> 00:00:35,134
their sensitivities
at the gate.
15
00:00:35,136 --> 00:00:37,736
Oh, my God, that's like
a perfect Southwest joke!
16
00:00:37,738 --> 00:00:39,304
I want that joke!
17
00:00:39,306 --> 00:00:40,572
Give me that joke!
18
00:00:40,574 --> 00:00:42,808
Ugh! You're getting syrup
in my hair!
19
00:00:42,810 --> 00:00:43,909
Somebody help her!
20
00:00:43,911 --> 00:00:45,978
You can use it!
Jesus!
21
00:00:45,980 --> 00:00:47,346
Yay!
22
00:00:47,348 --> 00:00:49,214
And as a thank you,
I'll tell you how to get
23
00:00:49,216 --> 00:00:52,317
your seat upgraded without
paying a dime extra.
24
00:00:52,319 --> 00:00:54,153
ANNOUNCER: That's right,
"American Dadders."
25
00:00:54,155 --> 00:00:56,021
There's all kinds
of travel tips
26
00:00:56,023 --> 00:00:58,323
the airlines don't want you
to know about.
27
00:00:58,325 --> 00:01:00,926
For instance,
guns aren't allowed on planes,
28
00:01:00,928 --> 00:01:02,561
so if you can get one on,
29
00:01:02,563 --> 00:01:04,663
you'll have a tremendous
amount of leverage.
30
00:01:04,665 --> 00:01:07,433
Then you can sit
wherever you want.
31
00:01:07,435 --> 00:01:09,902
(panting)
Whoa!
32
00:01:09,904 --> 00:01:12,237
I was paralyzed for,
like, 10 seconds.
33
00:01:12,239 --> 00:01:14,773
I couldn't move.
Did anyone else see that?
34
00:01:14,775 --> 00:01:16,608
I thought I had a stroke.
35
00:01:16,610 --> 00:01:19,111
(patriotic music plays)
36
00:01:19,113 --> 00:01:22,381
¶ Good morning, U.S.A. ¶
37
00:01:22,383 --> 00:01:25,751
¶ I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day ¶
38
00:01:25,753 --> 00:01:29,054
¶ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ¶
39
00:01:29,056 --> 00:01:33,125
¶ And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race ¶
40
00:01:35,029 --> 00:01:38,297
¶ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ¶
41
00:01:38,299 --> 00:01:40,599
¶ Good -- ¶
¶ Good morning, U.S.A. ¶
42
00:01:40,601 --> 00:01:41,934
Aah!
43
00:01:43,137 --> 00:01:46,605
¶ Good morning, U.S.A. ¶
44
00:01:49,143 --> 00:01:51,643
Hey, I'm training Diane
at the gun range tonight,
45
00:01:51,645 --> 00:01:52,945
so I'm gonna be late
for dinner.
46
00:01:52,947 --> 00:01:54,880
Unless I eat with Diane.
47
00:01:54,882 --> 00:01:56,815
Then we'll just eat
when we're hungry.
48
00:01:56,817 --> 00:01:59,284
Stan is spending a lot of time
with this Diane person,
49
00:01:59,286 --> 00:02:00,719
don't you think?
50
00:02:00,721 --> 00:02:03,122
Klaus, when you're married
to a sexy man,
51
00:02:03,124 --> 00:02:05,591
there's always gonna be some
bush league snizz
52
00:02:05,593 --> 00:02:07,159
trying to storm the castle.
53
00:02:07,161 --> 00:02:08,427
Aren't you worried?
54
00:02:08,429 --> 00:02:09,795
Yeah, I'm worried.
55
00:02:09,797 --> 00:02:12,664
I'm worried about Diane's
hospital bills.
56
00:02:12,666 --> 00:02:14,833
Oh, shit!
Girl don't play!
57
00:02:14,835 --> 00:02:16,401
What's the plan?!
58
00:02:16,403 --> 00:02:19,104
I think that's a question
for my girlfriends.
59
00:02:19,106 --> 00:02:21,306
Oh, getting the war counsel
together.
60
00:02:21,308 --> 00:02:23,742
Merlot for my girls...
61
00:02:23,744 --> 00:02:25,277
and for me,
62
00:02:25,279 --> 00:02:28,514
a little bit of Francine's
private reserve.
63
00:02:30,117 --> 00:02:33,519
(groans)
Ooh! Hoo! Wha!
64
00:02:33,521 --> 00:02:36,288
Francine!
65
00:02:36,290 --> 00:02:37,523
Sharon!
66
00:02:37,525 --> 00:02:39,091
What up, Franny?!
67
00:02:39,093 --> 00:02:40,459
Caroline!
68
00:02:40,461 --> 00:02:42,194
-Where's Connie?
-Hey, y'all.
69
00:02:42,196 --> 00:02:45,531
Television star Connie Britton,
you made it!
70
00:02:45,533 --> 00:02:47,366
TOGETHER:
Friends, friends, friends!
71
00:02:47,368 --> 00:02:50,702
(mumbling incoherently)
72
00:02:50,704 --> 00:02:53,005
He said he's taking her
to the range,
73
00:02:53,007 --> 00:02:56,141
but he left his white leather
shooting glove at home.
74
00:02:56,143 --> 00:02:58,944
So let's call him up,
catch him in his lie.
75
00:02:58,946 --> 00:03:00,879
Good idea.
76
00:03:00,881 --> 00:03:02,514
(line ringing)
STAN: Hello?
77
00:03:02,516 --> 00:03:06,318
Honey, how are you going to
the range with Diane tonight
78
00:03:06,320 --> 00:03:08,320
when you left your
shooting glove at home?
79
00:03:08,322 --> 00:03:10,022
Excuse me?
I-I don't understand.
80
00:03:10,024 --> 00:03:11,223
I said...
81
00:03:11,225 --> 00:03:15,194
(mumbling incoherently)
82
00:03:15,196 --> 00:03:16,795
Honey, you sound stressed.
83
00:03:16,797 --> 00:03:18,697
Maybe go for a nice long drive.
84
00:03:18,699 --> 00:03:20,332
He's playing dumb.
85
00:03:20,334 --> 00:03:21,733
Good-bye, Stan.
86
00:03:21,735 --> 00:03:24,136
This Diane's
a serious threat.
87
00:03:24,138 --> 00:03:26,205
Hey, I'm the serious
threat.
88
00:03:26,207 --> 00:03:27,906
Go take care of business.
89
00:03:27,908 --> 00:03:30,576
Punch her
in them floppy tits!
90
00:03:30,578 --> 00:03:33,078
(mumbling)
91
00:03:33,080 --> 00:03:35,047
Ooh.
92
00:03:35,049 --> 00:03:37,349
It looks like
the bank's open.
93
00:03:37,351 --> 00:03:39,551
And the beauty parlor.
94
00:03:46,694 --> 00:03:49,861
Time to put away laptops,
tablets, and mobile devices.
95
00:03:49,863 --> 00:03:52,364
But if you've still got
a BlackBerry, keep that out,
96
00:03:52,366 --> 00:03:55,334
'cause I'll be coming around
with a trash bag real soon.
97
00:03:55,336 --> 00:03:57,336
(chuckles)
If you need anything,
98
00:03:57,338 --> 00:03:59,571
just call me or any of
the other flight attendants.
99
00:03:59,573 --> 00:04:02,074
We all go by,
"Uh, excuse me, Miss?"
100
00:04:02,076 --> 00:04:04,376
Even Trevor,
who told me in confidence
101
00:04:04,378 --> 00:04:06,078
that he identifies as a female.
102
00:04:07,214 --> 00:04:08,847
Trevor!
103
00:04:08,849 --> 00:04:10,315
(chuckling)
104
00:04:11,352 --> 00:04:13,018
See that?
I crushed!
105
00:04:13,020 --> 00:04:15,220
God, what a high.
You're cute.
106
00:04:15,222 --> 00:04:18,857
How about after we go wheels up,
I come in there and go heels up,
107
00:04:18,859 --> 00:04:22,394
and you can unload your
passengers at Gate "A."
108
00:04:22,396 --> 00:04:25,264
Donna forget to mention,
if we lose cabin pressure,
109
00:04:25,266 --> 00:04:27,866
strap on your mask to start
the flow of oxygen.
110
00:04:27,868 --> 00:04:31,870
But if oxy-gin isn't your
brand, we've got Tanqueray.
111
00:04:31,872 --> 00:04:33,705
That's how I get through
these flights.
112
00:04:33,707 --> 00:04:35,374
(laughter)
113
00:04:35,376 --> 00:04:37,476
What the --
Trying to show me up?!
114
00:04:37,478 --> 00:04:39,111
Oh, it's on.
115
00:04:39,113 --> 00:04:41,747
Thanks, Karen.
Don't worry about correcting me
116
00:04:41,749 --> 00:04:43,315
in front of a plane
full of assholes,
117
00:04:43,317 --> 00:04:46,785
'cause I checked
my sensitivity at the gate.
118
00:04:49,056 --> 00:04:51,990
'Cause you check things at --
You know, I'm not explaining.
119
00:04:51,992 --> 00:04:53,759
Is it -- Is it hot in here?
120
00:04:53,761 --> 00:04:55,594
Is this a hot plane?
121
00:04:55,596 --> 00:04:58,230
Whatever Donna's drinking, I
hope the pilot didn't have any.
122
00:04:58,232 --> 00:04:59,464
(laughter)
123
00:04:59,466 --> 00:05:01,166
(laughs) Damn it!
124
00:05:03,637 --> 00:05:05,671
Looks like another
late one with Diane.
125
00:05:05,673 --> 00:05:07,572
FRANCINE: Stay as late
as you need to, dear.
126
00:05:07,574 --> 00:05:09,341
I'll just be here
at the house,
127
00:05:09,343 --> 00:05:13,078
the one we built together as
a committed, loving couple.
128
00:05:13,080 --> 00:05:14,413
Yeah, I love that place!
129
00:05:14,415 --> 00:05:16,782
Maybe I'll watch
that show "House,"
130
00:05:16,784 --> 00:05:19,618
or "House...of Lies."
131
00:05:19,620 --> 00:05:21,586
Oh, no, no, no! Don't talk
about "House of Lies."
132
00:05:21,588 --> 00:05:23,322
I'm only halfway
through season one!
133
00:05:23,324 --> 00:05:25,524
La la la la la!
134
00:05:25,526 --> 00:05:27,526
(ding)
135
00:05:30,030 --> 00:05:32,831
STAN: Oh, yeah.
Come on! Yeah.
136
00:05:32,833 --> 00:05:35,100
That pig!
137
00:05:35,102 --> 00:05:37,302
Oh, God, I'm gonna finish
in record time!
138
00:05:37,304 --> 00:05:39,671
He never finishes fast
with me.
139
00:05:39,673 --> 00:05:41,139
Can I help you?
140
00:05:41,141 --> 00:05:43,375
I don't think so.
I'm here to deal with Diane.
141
00:05:43,377 --> 00:05:45,544
That's me.
No, you're not.
142
00:05:45,546 --> 00:05:48,280
Diane's in there,
finishing off my husband.
143
00:05:48,282 --> 00:05:50,515
I'm obviously not
in there with Stan.
144
00:05:50,517 --> 00:05:53,151
You're as bad
a liar as he is.
145
00:05:53,153 --> 00:05:56,521
Now, excuse me
while I bust you guys!
146
00:05:56,523 --> 00:05:58,523
Stan?
147
00:05:58,525 --> 00:06:00,859
Francine?!
I-It's not what it looks like.
148
00:06:00,861 --> 00:06:05,530
It looks like you're playing
with little toy cars.
149
00:06:05,532 --> 00:06:08,567
On the contrary.
This is a slot car --
150
00:06:08,569 --> 00:06:12,137
a 1/32 scale McLaren M7
with magnetic suspension,
151
00:06:12,139 --> 00:06:14,473
2.4 volt engine,
and a real European --
152
00:06:14,475 --> 00:06:15,974
Oh, wait.
This is a toy car.
153
00:06:15,976 --> 00:06:18,510
This is all the stuff
I said before.
154
00:06:18,512 --> 00:06:21,480
And when I put it on the track,
it goes fast.
155
00:06:21,482 --> 00:06:23,181
Oh!
156
00:06:23,183 --> 00:06:25,150
Ooh!
157
00:06:25,152 --> 00:06:26,852
Oh!
158
00:06:26,854 --> 00:06:28,854
Oh!
159
00:06:28,856 --> 00:06:30,589
So...
160
00:06:30,591 --> 00:06:32,724
you're not
hooking up with her.
161
00:06:32,726 --> 00:06:34,526
I wish!
162
00:06:34,528 --> 00:06:35,894
Yeah!
163
00:06:35,896 --> 00:06:38,063
And you're not interested
in him.
164
00:06:38,065 --> 00:06:40,866
(laughs)
Little tiny car guy?
165
00:06:40,868 --> 00:06:43,034
No.
He's all yours.
166
00:06:43,036 --> 00:06:45,370
Oh.
Great.
167
00:06:45,372 --> 00:06:47,372
My car has been slippy
on this turn.
168
00:06:47,374 --> 00:06:49,574
(fabric tears)
Francine, my pants ripped.
169
00:06:49,576 --> 00:06:51,676
Go to my desk, in my top drawer,
there's a pair
170
00:06:51,678 --> 00:06:53,945
of sky-blue
wrinkle-release Dockers.
171
00:06:53,947 --> 00:06:55,547
Underneath that is my
"Phantom of the Opera"
172
00:06:55,549 --> 00:06:57,282
long sleeve t-shirt.
173
00:06:57,284 --> 00:07:01,186
Please bring it immediately
and tie it around my waist.
174
00:07:05,793 --> 00:07:07,893
Wow, you must be
so relieved.
175
00:07:07,895 --> 00:07:10,762
To go from thinking your husband
was cheating on you
176
00:07:10,764 --> 00:07:12,764
to realizing
he's an amazing athlete.
177
00:07:12,766 --> 00:07:15,634
But -- But why didn't you
tell me about this?
178
00:07:15,636 --> 00:07:17,869
Because I knew you'd try
to talk me out of racing
179
00:07:17,871 --> 00:07:20,372
Lonny Bulmanferg at
the Altoona Grand Prix.
180
00:07:20,374 --> 00:07:22,140
Lonny Bulmanferg?
181
00:07:22,142 --> 00:07:24,376
Let's push him out of our minds
for one night.
182
00:07:24,378 --> 00:07:26,611
Maybe with a sex.
(groans)
183
00:07:26,613 --> 00:07:28,380
Ah, pins and needles,
pins and needles!
184
00:07:28,382 --> 00:07:29,915
Ah.
185
00:07:29,917 --> 00:07:32,050
My legs are useless.
186
00:07:32,052 --> 00:07:35,086
Could be a great opportunity
for you to ride me.
187
00:07:35,088 --> 00:07:37,722
But first, go to my study,
in the right desk drawer,
188
00:07:37,724 --> 00:07:39,791
underneath a pair of
pleated burgundy Dockers,
189
00:07:39,793 --> 00:07:41,893
you'll find my
lovemaking sandals.
190
00:07:41,895 --> 00:07:43,128
What is that?
191
00:07:43,130 --> 00:07:44,796
Freakin' Bulmanferg.
192
00:07:44,798 --> 00:07:48,099
Prepare yourself for
a rage boner, Francine.
193
00:07:48,101 --> 00:07:49,434
I...
194
00:07:49,436 --> 00:07:51,269
got to go
to the bathroom.
195
00:07:51,271 --> 00:07:53,672
Make sure you use
the wet wipes just in case
196
00:07:53,674 --> 00:07:55,874
I want to go mousing
around down there.
197
00:07:57,678 --> 00:07:59,644
Here I come, ladies.
198
00:07:59,646 --> 00:08:02,080
(gulping)
199
00:08:02,082 --> 00:08:04,316
(grunts)
200
00:08:04,318 --> 00:08:05,684
Girl, what are
we doing here?
201
00:08:05,686 --> 00:08:07,252
You don't have
to worry about Diane.
202
00:08:07,254 --> 00:08:08,987
She thinks Stan's
a real zero.
203
00:08:08,989 --> 00:08:11,790
Problem solved!
Or is that the problem?
204
00:08:11,792 --> 00:08:14,826
One of the things that
thrilled me about Stan
205
00:08:14,828 --> 00:08:17,429
was other women
finding him sexy.
206
00:08:17,431 --> 00:08:19,431
Like having my own
Chris Hemsworth.
207
00:08:19,433 --> 00:08:23,301
If you want that thrill back,
you could sexy up Stan.
208
00:08:23,303 --> 00:08:25,003
Take him
to get a makeover!
209
00:08:25,005 --> 00:08:26,605
To the mall!
210
00:08:26,607 --> 00:08:29,374
(slurred)
To the mall!
211
00:08:31,879 --> 00:08:34,513
All right. Roger said we can
all fly for free somewhere,
212
00:08:34,515 --> 00:08:36,348
so we need to agree
on a place to go.
213
00:08:36,350 --> 00:08:38,183
I vote for
Na Pali State Park.
214
00:08:38,185 --> 00:08:39,651
Wait, that's what
I was gonna say.
215
00:08:39,653 --> 00:08:41,953
So was I!
This is crazy!
216
00:08:41,955 --> 00:08:43,388
Hawaii...
217
00:08:43,390 --> 00:08:45,891
TOGETHER: Here we com--
218
00:08:45,893 --> 00:08:47,392
Pack your bags,
we're going to Fort Worth.
219
00:08:47,394 --> 00:08:48,460
-What?!
-Fort Worth?!
220
00:08:48,462 --> 00:08:49,728
Okay!
221
00:08:49,730 --> 00:08:51,563
You said we could go
anywhere we want.
222
00:08:51,565 --> 00:08:52,964
And now I'm saying
223
00:08:52,966 --> 00:08:54,633
that you're coming with me
to laugh at my jokes
224
00:08:54,635 --> 00:08:57,736
because Karen is trying to drop
a wet deuce on my dreams!
225
00:08:57,738 --> 00:09:00,672
If I wanted to hear jokes,
I'd go to Snot's stand-up show.
226
00:09:00,674 --> 00:09:02,874
He's got a --
He's got a new bit about...
227
00:09:02,876 --> 00:09:05,977
(chuckles)
how -- how bands at weddings,
228
00:09:05,979 --> 00:09:07,712
since they -- they just do
cover songs
229
00:09:07,714 --> 00:09:10,649
are basically juke boxes
that only take hundreds.
230
00:09:10,651 --> 00:09:13,151
(chuckles) He can make jokes
out of anything.
231
00:09:13,153 --> 00:09:15,487
Guys, guys,
you know me.
232
00:09:15,489 --> 00:09:17,389
Do I respond rationally
233
00:09:17,391 --> 00:09:21,426
when a new thang I'm into
is met with resistance?
234
00:09:21,428 --> 00:09:23,194
(choking)
So how about it?
235
00:09:23,196 --> 00:09:25,163
Are we all going to
Fort Worth via Buffalo?
236
00:09:25,165 --> 00:09:26,398
Let him go!
237
00:09:26,400 --> 00:09:28,166
Okay, okay,
I'm checking in now!
238
00:09:28,168 --> 00:09:30,936
You, show me your laugh.
(forced laughing)
239
00:09:30,938 --> 00:09:32,671
That's great!
You're doing it!
240
00:09:32,673 --> 00:09:34,773
(gasping)
You guys are gonna love it.
241
00:09:34,775 --> 00:09:37,175
I start with stand-up,
and then I move into improv,
242
00:09:37,177 --> 00:09:39,110
which I've been really
flowing on lately.
243
00:09:39,112 --> 00:09:40,946
Check it, give me
one word to start.
244
00:09:40,948 --> 00:09:43,181
Um...
Cactus.
245
00:09:43,183 --> 00:09:45,884
Perfect, cactus.
246
00:09:45,886 --> 00:09:48,353
I'm choking this cactus!
247
00:09:50,891 --> 00:09:52,457
Francine,
why are we here?
248
00:09:52,459 --> 00:09:54,025
I need to work
on my slot cars.
249
00:09:54,027 --> 00:09:56,294
I just thought you could
do it in cooler shoes,
250
00:09:56,296 --> 00:09:58,563
a V-neck sweater,
and jeans so tight
251
00:09:58,565 --> 00:10:01,733
you have to put your dick
and balls down different legs.
252
00:10:01,735 --> 00:10:03,301
Let's just hurry this up.
253
00:10:03,303 --> 00:10:05,270
Mel's counting on me to be ready
for this weekend's race.
254
00:10:05,272 --> 00:10:06,805
Mel?
255
00:10:06,807 --> 00:10:09,207
Mel's my lane monkey,
grooms the track, greases turns.
256
00:10:09,209 --> 00:10:10,875
Can't grease
too much, though.
257
00:10:10,877 --> 00:10:12,143
The cars can shoot
off the track.
258
00:10:12,145 --> 00:10:13,778
One car hit a guy
in the arm once.
259
00:10:13,780 --> 00:10:15,914
They stopped the race
so his mom could blow on it
260
00:10:15,916 --> 00:10:17,382
and give him
some Gatorade.
261
00:10:18,885 --> 00:10:21,486
Excuse me,
see that guy over there?
262
00:10:21,488 --> 00:10:24,656
I need you to make him
irresistible to women.
263
00:10:24,658 --> 00:10:25,957
Super jump.
264
00:10:25,959 --> 00:10:27,892
So what do you think
he'd look good in?
265
00:10:27,894 --> 00:10:29,227
A coffin.
266
00:10:29,229 --> 00:10:31,162
Oh, damn!
267
00:10:31,164 --> 00:10:33,331
Do you have
this in green?
268
00:10:33,333 --> 00:10:35,467
(slurping)
I don't understand
269
00:10:35,469 --> 00:10:38,903
why you have to wear that
fanny pack over your new suit.
270
00:10:38,905 --> 00:10:40,105
You want me
to carry hundreds
271
00:10:40,107 --> 00:10:42,107
of tiny screwdrivers
in my pockets?
272
00:10:42,109 --> 00:10:43,608
Are you crazy?
(fabric rips)
273
00:10:43,610 --> 00:10:45,143
Oh, my pants
just ripped again.
274
00:10:45,145 --> 00:10:47,479
How?!
You're just sitting there.
275
00:10:47,481 --> 00:10:48,980
I got a weird ass.
276
00:10:52,452 --> 00:10:54,419
We've wasted the whole day
at the mall.
277
00:10:54,421 --> 00:10:56,287
Now I've got to rush
to the airport.
278
00:10:56,289 --> 00:10:58,456
Well, if you got to wear
the fanny pack,
279
00:10:58,458 --> 00:11:00,325
why don't you pop
on these aviators
280
00:11:00,327 --> 00:11:03,094
or maybe go sleeveless.
281
00:11:03,096 --> 00:11:05,330
My sleeves!
You know how cold I get!
282
00:11:05,332 --> 00:11:06,631
(shivering)
283
00:11:06,633 --> 00:11:08,433
Suck it up, Stan!
284
00:11:08,435 --> 00:11:11,002
You're turning women off
all over town!
285
00:11:11,004 --> 00:11:12,837
You said I look like
Chris Hemsworth!
286
00:11:12,839 --> 00:11:14,139
I lied!
287
00:11:14,141 --> 00:11:16,374
You look Elliot Hemsworth!
288
00:11:16,376 --> 00:11:17,709
Elliot?
289
00:11:17,711 --> 00:11:19,377
He's the disgrace
of the Hemsworth clan.
290
00:11:19,379 --> 00:11:21,546
They tried to remove all trace
of him on the Internet.
291
00:11:21,548 --> 00:11:23,114
With good reason!
292
00:11:23,116 --> 00:11:24,482
He's not an actor.
293
00:11:24,484 --> 00:11:26,384
He's just a doctor.
294
00:11:26,386 --> 00:11:28,987
(gasps)
Well, you're a doctor, too!
295
00:11:28,989 --> 00:11:30,522
Dr. Evil!
296
00:11:30,524 --> 00:11:33,224
"One million dollars!"
297
00:11:33,226 --> 00:11:36,061
That's you!
(sobbing)
298
00:11:38,565 --> 00:11:41,533
Can't you be the guy
who other women want again?
299
00:11:41,535 --> 00:11:43,635
We can fix this!
We?
300
00:11:43,637 --> 00:11:45,003
Hey, I don't have
to fix anything.
301
00:11:45,005 --> 00:11:46,571
This is your problem.
302
00:11:46,573 --> 00:11:48,573
I'm just trying to live my life
and race my car.
303
00:11:48,575 --> 00:11:51,376
Not worry about whether women
find me attractive.
304
00:11:51,378 --> 00:11:53,478
Well, they don't!
305
00:11:53,480 --> 00:11:55,714
WOMAN: Hey, Stan!
Mel!
306
00:11:55,716 --> 00:11:57,215
(squeals)
307
00:11:57,217 --> 00:11:59,017
I am so excited
for Altoona!
308
00:11:59,019 --> 00:12:00,251
Tell me about it.
309
00:12:00,253 --> 00:12:01,720
I'm ready to run through
a brick wall.
310
00:12:01,722 --> 00:12:04,222
Oh, Mel, this is my
cruel wife, Francine.
311
00:12:04,224 --> 00:12:06,191
So nice
to finally meet you.
312
00:12:06,193 --> 00:12:07,892
What the...
313
00:12:12,199 --> 00:12:13,565
We should go, Stan.
314
00:12:13,567 --> 00:12:14,833
Yep.
Right behind ya.
315
00:12:14,835 --> 00:12:16,735
Just how I like it.
316
00:12:16,737 --> 00:12:18,503
(giggles)
Kidding!
317
00:12:18,505 --> 00:12:19,904
That's Mel?
318
00:12:19,906 --> 00:12:21,372
Yep, she's my lane monkey
319
00:12:21,374 --> 00:12:24,008
and does some
T3 raid racing herself.
320
00:12:24,010 --> 00:12:25,243
Sorry, slot talk.
321
00:12:25,245 --> 00:12:28,346
Probably not
doin' it for ya.
322
00:12:28,348 --> 00:12:30,215
Why wouldn't he
tell me about her?
323
00:12:30,217 --> 00:12:31,549
STEVE: Mom?
324
00:12:31,551 --> 00:12:33,284
Don't look at her,
don't talk to her.
325
00:12:33,286 --> 00:12:36,087
Her thing doesn't concern us.
We're not talking to her.
326
00:12:39,025 --> 00:12:42,026
(tires squeal)
327
00:12:42,028 --> 00:12:44,062
Oh, Stan!
328
00:12:44,064 --> 00:12:47,232
You can drive me anywhere.
329
00:12:47,234 --> 00:12:50,702
(engine revs)
330
00:12:50,704 --> 00:12:53,371
I want to go there.
331
00:12:53,373 --> 00:12:54,839
¶ Ooh, wee ¶
332
00:12:57,310 --> 00:12:58,643
¶ Ooh ¶
333
00:13:01,148 --> 00:13:03,648
(giggles)
Stan!
334
00:13:06,887 --> 00:13:09,654
Stop!
Stan, stop right now!
335
00:13:09,656 --> 00:13:11,156
But you're the one driving.
336
00:13:11,158 --> 00:13:14,125
¶¶
337
00:13:14,127 --> 00:13:17,262
¶ Ooh, wee ¶
338
00:13:17,264 --> 00:13:19,130
¶ Ooh, wee ¶
339
00:13:19,132 --> 00:13:21,332
(giggles) Faster.
340
00:13:21,334 --> 00:13:23,334
Faster!
341
00:13:23,336 --> 00:13:26,437
No, no.
Oh, no, no!
342
00:13:26,439 --> 00:13:28,339
Oh, my God!
343
00:13:28,341 --> 00:13:29,974
I drove him toward --
344
00:13:29,976 --> 00:13:31,910
(screams)
Hey, Francine.
345
00:13:31,912 --> 00:13:33,578
Wake up,
wake up, wake up!
346
00:13:33,580 --> 00:13:34,946
It's okay, you're awake!
347
00:13:34,948 --> 00:13:37,148
I've been experimenting
with steroids.
348
00:13:37,150 --> 00:13:39,150
It's awesome!
349
00:13:39,152 --> 00:13:40,652
Now I wear tank tops
350
00:13:40,654 --> 00:13:43,521
with the thinnest straps
you've ever seen.
351
00:13:52,632 --> 00:13:55,600
You okay?
You've been so quiet.
352
00:13:55,602 --> 00:13:57,368
I had a big fight
with Francine.
353
00:13:57,370 --> 00:13:59,871
She said some things
that have me wondering if --
354
00:13:59,873 --> 00:14:02,507
(imitates tires screeching)
Aw!
355
00:14:02,509 --> 00:14:06,477
Did wittle Stan Smith have
a fight with his wittle wife?
356
00:14:06,479 --> 00:14:08,213
You don't even have
a wife, Lonny.
357
00:14:08,215 --> 00:14:09,814
That's 'cause
I don't want one!
358
00:14:09,816 --> 00:14:11,616
I could have any girl
in this place!
359
00:14:11,618 --> 00:14:14,118
I'm the only girl here.
360
00:14:14,120 --> 00:14:16,621
Are -- Are you asking me
to marry you?
361
00:14:16,623 --> 00:14:18,356
Just worry about the race
362
00:14:18,358 --> 00:14:20,558
and the killer joke
about your name
363
00:14:20,560 --> 00:14:23,661
that Stan's got locked
and loaded for after he wins.
364
00:14:23,663 --> 00:14:24,963
Good luck.
365
00:14:24,965 --> 00:14:26,464
People have been trying
to make fun of
366
00:14:26,466 --> 00:14:29,334
the Bulmanferg name for years,
but it's bulletproof!
367
00:14:29,336 --> 00:14:31,703
And you're not gonna
have a chance anyway.
368
00:14:31,705 --> 00:14:35,740
'Cause you're a loser --
a real Elliot Hemsworth!
369
00:14:35,742 --> 00:14:38,409
Turbo boost!
(zooming)
370
00:14:38,411 --> 00:14:40,144
Elliot might be a doctor now,
371
00:14:40,146 --> 00:14:42,080
but here's still time
to turn his life around.
372
00:14:42,082 --> 00:14:43,514
(sighs)
373
00:14:43,516 --> 00:14:45,917
Julia Child didn't blossom
till her mid-40s.
374
00:14:45,919 --> 00:14:48,586
Yeah, and Judi Dench --
this is a fact, I read it --
375
00:14:48,588 --> 00:14:52,056
simply did not exist until
she was 56 years old.
376
00:14:54,594 --> 00:14:57,362
I've driven Stan into
the arms of some skank
377
00:14:57,364 --> 00:15:00,231
who actually cares about
all his stupid stuff!
378
00:15:00,233 --> 00:15:02,333
Oh, there's an easy way
to fix this.
379
00:15:02,335 --> 00:15:04,502
Just sleep with
one of his coworkers.
380
00:15:04,504 --> 00:15:05,837
That works.
381
00:15:05,839 --> 00:15:08,072
Or the super-ripped fish.
He's hot.
382
00:15:08,074 --> 00:15:10,909
Or someone closer to him,
383
00:15:10,911 --> 00:15:13,378
like his little buddy,
Steve.
384
00:15:13,380 --> 00:15:16,381
No, I'm not sleeping
with Steve!
385
00:15:16,383 --> 00:15:17,882
What am I doing?
386
00:15:17,884 --> 00:15:19,784
Drinking Windex
and fertilizer
387
00:15:19,786 --> 00:15:22,086
and talking to the voices
in my head?!
388
00:15:22,088 --> 00:15:24,022
This ends now!
389
00:15:24,024 --> 00:15:27,058
-No!
-No!
390
00:15:27,060 --> 00:15:29,360
We'll be waiting
for you in Hell!
391
00:15:29,362 --> 00:15:32,096
You will weep before
the Dark Lord!
392
00:15:32,098 --> 00:15:34,098
Your arms are too thick
for that dress!
393
00:15:34,100 --> 00:15:35,867
Everyone thinks so!
394
00:15:35,869 --> 00:15:38,303
I'm gonna go get
my husband back!
395
00:15:38,305 --> 00:15:39,971
Klaus, you're in charge.
396
00:15:39,973 --> 00:15:41,973
I'm taking control
of my life.
397
00:15:41,975 --> 00:15:44,342
You see the pool, right?
398
00:15:48,748 --> 00:15:50,415
Then there's
James Michener.
399
00:15:50,417 --> 00:15:52,550
He didn't write his first book
until he was 40.
400
00:15:52,552 --> 00:15:55,253
Helen Mirren wasn't hot
until she turned 70.
401
00:15:55,255 --> 00:15:58,156
Yeah. Stan, you have a long list
of late-bloomers.
402
00:15:58,158 --> 00:15:59,724
(sighs)
403
00:15:59,726 --> 00:16:01,626
Can I ask you a question?
404
00:16:01,628 --> 00:16:04,095
Do you think I'm...
attractive?
405
00:16:04,097 --> 00:16:07,799
Stan, you're the first white man
I've ever been attracted to.
406
00:16:07,801 --> 00:16:09,067
I appreciate that.
407
00:16:09,069 --> 00:16:10,835
(cellphone rings)
408
00:16:10,837 --> 00:16:12,971
It's Francine.
I should take this.
409
00:16:12,973 --> 00:16:14,439
Don't think
about Francine.
410
00:16:14,441 --> 00:16:16,074
You've got the biggest race
of your life tomorrow.
411
00:16:16,076 --> 00:16:18,776
You need to relax.
Hey.
412
00:16:18,778 --> 00:16:20,979
I've got a naughty idea.
413
00:16:20,981 --> 00:16:23,147
(whispering)
414
00:16:26,119 --> 00:16:28,786
And them first class
be like spoiled little kids.
415
00:16:28,788 --> 00:16:30,955
Spoiled little kids
sitting there all,
416
00:16:30,957 --> 00:16:33,191
"Where's my apple juice?"
417
00:16:33,193 --> 00:16:35,593
(forced laughter)
418
00:16:35,595 --> 00:16:37,829
Exit row gets it.
419
00:16:37,831 --> 00:16:41,032
Meanwhile, coach passengers
be like, "Can I have a seat?
420
00:16:41,034 --> 00:16:43,434
Can I have a seat?
421
00:16:43,436 --> 00:16:44,936
Just one little seat.
422
00:16:44,938 --> 00:16:47,005
Just one big enough
to put my butt cheek on
423
00:16:47,007 --> 00:16:49,140
while first class drinks
their apple juice."
424
00:16:49,142 --> 00:16:51,209
(forced laughter)
425
00:16:51,211 --> 00:16:55,046
I hope that's the only crash
landing we experience today.
426
00:16:55,048 --> 00:16:57,482
(laughter and applause)
427
00:16:57,484 --> 00:17:00,151
We'll be touching down
in Fort Worth soon.
428
00:17:00,153 --> 00:17:03,054
A funny name, because any
reason "worth" visiting
429
00:17:03,056 --> 00:17:05,990
must be hidden
in a "fort" somewhere.
430
00:17:05,992 --> 00:17:08,192
(laughter and applause)
431
00:17:09,863 --> 00:17:12,864
(slot cars zooming)
432
00:17:26,980 --> 00:17:29,881
MAN: Four laps to go,
they're neck and neck!
433
00:17:32,252 --> 00:17:34,819
This is crazy!
434
00:17:34,821 --> 00:17:36,788
Here they come!
435
00:17:38,491 --> 00:17:40,158
The yellow car won.
436
00:17:40,160 --> 00:17:42,927
Wait, i-it's over?
Did I win?
437
00:17:42,929 --> 00:17:44,429
Did you have
the yellow car?
438
00:17:44,431 --> 00:17:45,730
-Yeah.
-Then you won.
439
00:17:45,732 --> 00:17:46,998
Yes!
440
00:17:47,000 --> 00:17:49,400
All right, Stan.
You bested me.
441
00:17:49,402 --> 00:17:53,037
But the Bulmanferg name
remains indestructible.
442
00:17:53,039 --> 00:17:54,939
I wouldn't be so sure...
443
00:17:54,941 --> 00:17:57,275
Foolmanferg.
444
00:17:57,277 --> 00:17:58,943
You have...
445
00:17:58,945 --> 00:18:00,578
destroyed me.
446
00:18:00,580 --> 00:18:02,346
Look for me
in the obituaries.
447
00:18:02,348 --> 00:18:04,682
Yes!
You did it, Stan!
448
00:18:04,684 --> 00:18:07,718
Mel, I can't stop thinking
about what we did last night.
449
00:18:07,720 --> 00:18:09,220
I feel terrible.
450
00:18:09,222 --> 00:18:11,923
It was a one-time thing,
no one has to know.
451
00:18:11,925 --> 00:18:15,226
I'll know.
452
00:18:15,228 --> 00:18:17,929
Forget about him.
You need a real man.
453
00:18:17,931 --> 00:18:20,131
What do you say
we go up to my room
454
00:18:20,133 --> 00:18:22,533
and you take
my virginity.
455
00:18:28,274 --> 00:18:29,974
(sighs)
456
00:18:32,145 --> 00:18:33,411
Francine?!
457
00:18:33,413 --> 00:18:35,480
Stan, I'm so sorry.
458
00:18:35,482 --> 00:18:37,548
(sobbing)
459
00:18:37,550 --> 00:18:40,651
Francine,
I cheated with Mel!
460
00:18:40,653 --> 00:18:43,154
Oh, God!
I knew it!
461
00:18:43,156 --> 00:18:44,956
I threw it all away.
462
00:18:44,958 --> 00:18:47,758
I had it all,
and I threw it all away.
463
00:18:47,760 --> 00:18:50,428
(sobbing)
464
00:18:50,430 --> 00:18:52,463
No, it was my fault!
465
00:18:52,465 --> 00:18:54,398
I pushed you away.
466
00:18:54,400 --> 00:18:55,933
We can come back from this.
467
00:18:55,935 --> 00:18:57,468
We can rebuild!
468
00:18:57,470 --> 00:19:00,805
No, it's over, Francine.
We have to get a divorce.
469
00:19:00,807 --> 00:19:03,174
I won't fight you for custody.
You can have them.
470
00:19:03,176 --> 00:19:05,843
I can't believe
this is happening!
471
00:19:05,845 --> 00:19:07,845
Mel said it wouldn't
be such a big deal
472
00:19:07,847 --> 00:19:09,480
if we stripped
everything off.
473
00:19:09,482 --> 00:19:11,916
Ah! Stripped it off!
474
00:19:11,918 --> 00:19:13,484
And shaved down the axle.
475
00:19:13,486 --> 00:19:16,921
You shaved down the axle!
476
00:19:16,923 --> 00:19:18,756
And we added tack
to the tires
477
00:19:18,758 --> 00:19:21,159
so we wouldn't lose speed
on the turns!
478
00:19:21,161 --> 00:19:23,161
Tack to the tires?!
479
00:19:23,163 --> 00:19:25,663
I should have let you
do that to me!
480
00:19:25,665 --> 00:19:29,133
Wait. Are you talking about
cheating at slot cars?
481
00:19:29,135 --> 00:19:31,135
Yes, my title
means nothing.
482
00:19:31,137 --> 00:19:32,470
I'm a fraud!
483
00:19:32,472 --> 00:19:34,772
Oh, good.
Our marriage is fine.
484
00:19:34,774 --> 00:19:36,474
Stan, I was wrong
for trying to change you.
485
00:19:36,476 --> 00:19:37,775
I'll see you at home.
486
00:19:37,777 --> 00:19:40,545
(groaning)
487
00:19:40,547 --> 00:19:44,382
(sobbing) How did this become
so important to me?!
488
00:19:46,886 --> 00:19:50,721
Remember, our menu is 100%
gluten-free...
489
00:19:50,723 --> 00:19:54,492
because food is
100% not available.
490
00:19:54,494 --> 00:19:55,359
(laughter)
491
00:19:55,361 --> 00:19:57,461
That's it!
492
00:19:57,463 --> 00:20:00,164
Ha ha ha ha ha.
Ah ha ha.
493
00:20:00,166 --> 00:20:02,066
How about
a little dark humor?
494
00:20:02,068 --> 00:20:04,535
10 minutes ago, I initiated
an engine failure
495
00:20:04,537 --> 00:20:06,837
which will make the plane
lose hydraulics,
496
00:20:06,839 --> 00:20:08,639
release shrapnel
into the ductwork,
497
00:20:08,641 --> 00:20:10,708
and start
an uncontainable fire.
498
00:20:10,710 --> 00:20:11,842
(all gasp)
499
00:20:11,844 --> 00:20:13,511
And for my closing joke,
500
00:20:13,513 --> 00:20:15,680
a 30,000 foot drop
to your death.
501
00:20:15,682 --> 00:20:18,516
Thank you,
you're a wonderful audience.
502
00:20:18,518 --> 00:20:21,519
(all screaming, alarm ringing)
503
00:20:21,521 --> 00:20:23,754
You see my set?
504
00:20:23,756 --> 00:20:25,323
I killed!
505
00:20:25,325 --> 00:20:27,258
Yah!
506
00:20:27,260 --> 00:20:28,726
(bleep) me.
507
00:20:28,728 --> 00:20:31,295
(screaming)
508
00:20:41,507 --> 00:20:44,742
(laughter)
509
00:20:44,744 --> 00:20:46,210
They're...
510
00:20:46,212 --> 00:20:47,578
laughing.
511
00:20:47,580 --> 00:20:50,248
(laughing)
512
00:20:50,250 --> 00:20:52,216
They're all laughing.
513
00:20:52,218 --> 00:20:54,619
Oh...
I see a white light.
514
00:20:54,621 --> 00:20:56,921
White light be all,
"Um, can you come towards me,
515
00:20:56,923 --> 00:20:58,689
if it's not too much trouble?"
516
00:20:58,691 --> 00:21:02,226
Black light be like,
"Get your ass over here!"
517
00:21:02,228 --> 00:21:04,228
Bye! Have a great time!
518
00:21:04,230 --> 00:21:07,999
-- Captions by VITAC --