1 00:00:03,471 --> 00:00:06,138 So when they asked me to train the new hire, Diane, 2 00:00:06,140 --> 00:00:08,507 I was like, "Get me a beef sandwich, Diane!" 3 00:00:08,509 --> 00:00:11,110 Then Diane send Dick to get the sandwich. 4 00:00:11,112 --> 00:00:13,779 Diane totally gets how things work at the CIA. 5 00:00:13,781 --> 00:00:15,447 Sorry, Francine, what did you ask me? 6 00:00:15,449 --> 00:00:17,282 I asked you to let go of my wrist. 7 00:00:17,284 --> 00:00:21,520 You tried to take a waffle, and I'm first waffle guy. 8 00:00:21,522 --> 00:00:23,122 Stan, can I catch a ride? 9 00:00:23,124 --> 00:00:25,824 Got my first shift for Southwest Airlines today. 10 00:00:25,826 --> 00:00:28,227 What? You don't know anything about being a flight attendant. 11 00:00:28,229 --> 00:00:29,962 But I do know comedy. 12 00:00:29,964 --> 00:00:32,131 And that's all that matters at Southwest. 13 00:00:32,133 --> 00:00:33,665 With you there, people should check 14 00:00:33,667 --> 00:00:35,134 their sensitivities at the gate. 15 00:00:35,136 --> 00:00:37,736 Oh, my God, that's like a perfect Southwest joke! 16 00:00:37,738 --> 00:00:39,304 I want that joke! 17 00:00:39,306 --> 00:00:40,572 Give me that joke! 18 00:00:40,574 --> 00:00:42,808 Ugh! You're getting syrup in my hair! 19 00:00:42,810 --> 00:00:43,909 Somebody help her! 20 00:00:43,911 --> 00:00:45,978 You can use it! Jesus! 21 00:00:45,980 --> 00:00:47,346 Yay! 22 00:00:47,348 --> 00:00:49,214 And as a thank you, I'll tell you how to get 23 00:00:49,216 --> 00:00:52,317 your seat upgraded without paying a dime extra. 24 00:00:52,319 --> 00:00:54,153 ANNOUNCER: That's right, "American Dadders." 25 00:00:54,155 --> 00:00:56,021 There's all kinds of travel tips 26 00:00:56,023 --> 00:00:58,323 the airlines don't want you to know about. 27 00:00:58,325 --> 00:01:00,926 For instance, guns aren't allowed on planes, 28 00:01:00,928 --> 00:01:02,561 so if you can get one on, 29 00:01:02,563 --> 00:01:04,663 you'll have a tremendous amount of leverage. 30 00:01:04,665 --> 00:01:07,433 Then you can sit wherever you want. 31 00:01:07,435 --> 00:01:09,902 (panting) Whoa! 32 00:01:09,904 --> 00:01:12,237 I was paralyzed for, like, 10 seconds. 33 00:01:12,239 --> 00:01:14,773 I couldn't move. Did anyone else see that? 34 00:01:14,775 --> 00:01:16,608 I thought I had a stroke. 35 00:01:16,610 --> 00:01:19,111 (patriotic music plays) 36 00:01:19,113 --> 00:01:22,381 ¶ Good morning, U.S.A. ¶ 37 00:01:22,383 --> 00:01:25,751 ¶ I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day ¶ 38 00:01:25,753 --> 00:01:29,054 ¶ The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ¶ 39 00:01:29,056 --> 00:01:33,125 ¶ And he's shinin' a salute to the American race ¶ 40 00:01:35,029 --> 00:01:38,297 ¶ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ¶ 41 00:01:38,299 --> 00:01:40,599 ¶ Good -- ¶ ¶ Good morning, U.S.A. ¶ 42 00:01:40,601 --> 00:01:41,934 Aah! 43 00:01:43,137 --> 00:01:46,605 ¶ Good morning, U.S.A. ¶ 44 00:01:49,143 --> 00:01:51,643 Hey, I'm training Diane at the gun range tonight, 45 00:01:51,645 --> 00:01:52,945 so I'm gonna be late for dinner. 46 00:01:52,947 --> 00:01:54,880 Unless I eat with Diane. 47 00:01:54,882 --> 00:01:56,815 Then we'll just eat when we're hungry. 48 00:01:56,817 --> 00:01:59,284 Stan is spending a lot of time with this Diane person, 49 00:01:59,286 --> 00:02:00,719 don't you think? 50 00:02:00,721 --> 00:02:03,122 Klaus, when you're married to a sexy man, 51 00:02:03,124 --> 00:02:05,591 there's always gonna be some bush league snizz 52 00:02:05,593 --> 00:02:07,159 trying to storm the castle. 53 00:02:07,161 --> 00:02:08,427 Aren't you worried? 54 00:02:08,429 --> 00:02:09,795 Yeah, I'm worried. 55 00:02:09,797 --> 00:02:12,664 I'm worried about Diane's hospital bills. 56 00:02:12,666 --> 00:02:14,833 Oh, shit! Girl don't play! 57 00:02:14,835 --> 00:02:16,401 What's the plan?! 58 00:02:16,403 --> 00:02:19,104 I think that's a question for my girlfriends. 59 00:02:19,106 --> 00:02:21,306 Oh, getting the war counsel together. 60 00:02:21,308 --> 00:02:23,742 Merlot for my girls... 61 00:02:23,744 --> 00:02:25,277 and for me, 62 00:02:25,279 --> 00:02:28,514 a little bit of Francine's private reserve. 63 00:02:30,117 --> 00:02:33,519 (groans) Ooh! Hoo! Wha! 64 00:02:33,521 --> 00:02:36,288 Francine! 65 00:02:36,290 --> 00:02:37,523 Sharon! 66 00:02:37,525 --> 00:02:39,091 What up, Franny?! 67 00:02:39,093 --> 00:02:40,459 Caroline! 68 00:02:40,461 --> 00:02:42,194 -Where's Connie? -Hey, y'all. 69 00:02:42,196 --> 00:02:45,531 Television star Connie Britton, you made it! 70 00:02:45,533 --> 00:02:47,366 TOGETHER: Friends, friends, friends! 71 00:02:47,368 --> 00:02:50,702 (mumbling incoherently) 72 00:02:50,704 --> 00:02:53,005 He said he's taking her to the range, 73 00:02:53,007 --> 00:02:56,141 but he left his white leather shooting glove at home. 74 00:02:56,143 --> 00:02:58,944 So let's call him up, catch him in his lie. 75 00:02:58,946 --> 00:03:00,879 Good idea. 76 00:03:00,881 --> 00:03:02,514 (line ringing) STAN: Hello? 77 00:03:02,516 --> 00:03:06,318 Honey, how are you going to the range with Diane tonight 78 00:03:06,320 --> 00:03:08,320 when you left your shooting glove at home? 79 00:03:08,322 --> 00:03:10,022 Excuse me? I-I don't understand. 80 00:03:10,024 --> 00:03:11,223 I said... 81 00:03:11,225 --> 00:03:15,194 (mumbling incoherently) 82 00:03:15,196 --> 00:03:16,795 Honey, you sound stressed. 83 00:03:16,797 --> 00:03:18,697 Maybe go for a nice long drive. 84 00:03:18,699 --> 00:03:20,332 He's playing dumb. 85 00:03:20,334 --> 00:03:21,733 Good-bye, Stan. 86 00:03:21,735 --> 00:03:24,136 This Diane's a serious threat. 87 00:03:24,138 --> 00:03:26,205 Hey, I'm the serious threat. 88 00:03:26,207 --> 00:03:27,906 Go take care of business. 89 00:03:27,908 --> 00:03:30,576 Punch her in them floppy tits! 90 00:03:30,578 --> 00:03:33,078 (mumbling) 91 00:03:33,080 --> 00:03:35,047 Ooh. 92 00:03:35,049 --> 00:03:37,349 It looks like the bank's open. 93 00:03:37,351 --> 00:03:39,551 And the beauty parlor. 94 00:03:46,694 --> 00:03:49,861 Time to put away laptops, tablets, and mobile devices. 95 00:03:49,863 --> 00:03:52,364 But if you've still got a BlackBerry, keep that out, 96 00:03:52,366 --> 00:03:55,334 'cause I'll be coming around with a trash bag real soon. 97 00:03:55,336 --> 00:03:57,336 (chuckles) If you need anything, 98 00:03:57,338 --> 00:03:59,571 just call me or any of the other flight attendants. 99 00:03:59,573 --> 00:04:02,074 We all go by, "Uh, excuse me, Miss?" 100 00:04:02,076 --> 00:04:04,376 Even Trevor, who told me in confidence 101 00:04:04,378 --> 00:04:06,078 that he identifies as a female. 102 00:04:07,214 --> 00:04:08,847 Trevor! 103 00:04:08,849 --> 00:04:10,315 (chuckling) 104 00:04:11,352 --> 00:04:13,018 See that? I crushed! 105 00:04:13,020 --> 00:04:15,220 God, what a high. You're cute. 106 00:04:15,222 --> 00:04:18,857 How about after we go wheels up, I come in there and go heels up, 107 00:04:18,859 --> 00:04:22,394 and you can unload your passengers at Gate "A." 108 00:04:22,396 --> 00:04:25,264 Donna forget to mention, if we lose cabin pressure, 109 00:04:25,266 --> 00:04:27,866 strap on your mask to start the flow of oxygen. 110 00:04:27,868 --> 00:04:31,870 But if oxy-gin isn't your brand, we've got Tanqueray. 111 00:04:31,872 --> 00:04:33,705 That's how I get through these flights. 112 00:04:33,707 --> 00:04:35,374 (laughter) 113 00:04:35,376 --> 00:04:37,476 What the -- Trying to show me up?! 114 00:04:37,478 --> 00:04:39,111 Oh, it's on. 115 00:04:39,113 --> 00:04:41,747 Thanks, Karen. Don't worry about correcting me 116 00:04:41,749 --> 00:04:43,315 in front of a plane full of assholes, 117 00:04:43,317 --> 00:04:46,785 'cause I checked my sensitivity at the gate. 118 00:04:49,056 --> 00:04:51,990 'Cause you check things at -- You know, I'm not explaining. 119 00:04:51,992 --> 00:04:53,759 Is it -- Is it hot in here? 120 00:04:53,761 --> 00:04:55,594 Is this a hot plane? 121 00:04:55,596 --> 00:04:58,230 Whatever Donna's drinking, I hope the pilot didn't have any. 122 00:04:58,232 --> 00:04:59,464 (laughter) 123 00:04:59,466 --> 00:05:01,166 (laughs) Damn it! 124 00:05:03,637 --> 00:05:05,671 Looks like another late one with Diane. 125 00:05:05,673 --> 00:05:07,572 FRANCINE: Stay as late as you need to, dear. 126 00:05:07,574 --> 00:05:09,341 I'll just be here at the house, 127 00:05:09,343 --> 00:05:13,078 the one we built together as a committed, loving couple. 128 00:05:13,080 --> 00:05:14,413 Yeah, I love that place! 129 00:05:14,415 --> 00:05:16,782 Maybe I'll watch that show "House," 130 00:05:16,784 --> 00:05:19,618 or "House...of Lies." 131 00:05:19,620 --> 00:05:21,586 Oh, no, no, no! Don't talk about "House of Lies." 132 00:05:21,588 --> 00:05:23,322 I'm only halfway through season one! 133 00:05:23,324 --> 00:05:25,524 La la la la la! 134 00:05:25,526 --> 00:05:27,526 (ding) 135 00:05:30,030 --> 00:05:32,831 STAN: Oh, yeah. Come on! Yeah. 136 00:05:32,833 --> 00:05:35,100 That pig! 137 00:05:35,102 --> 00:05:37,302 Oh, God, I'm gonna finish in record time! 138 00:05:37,304 --> 00:05:39,671 He never finishes fast with me. 139 00:05:39,673 --> 00:05:41,139 Can I help you? 140 00:05:41,141 --> 00:05:43,375 I don't think so. I'm here to deal with Diane. 141 00:05:43,377 --> 00:05:45,544 That's me. No, you're not. 142 00:05:45,546 --> 00:05:48,280 Diane's in there, finishing off my husband. 143 00:05:48,282 --> 00:05:50,515 I'm obviously not in there with Stan. 144 00:05:50,517 --> 00:05:53,151 You're as bad a liar as he is. 145 00:05:53,153 --> 00:05:56,521 Now, excuse me while I bust you guys! 146 00:05:56,523 --> 00:05:58,523 Stan? 147 00:05:58,525 --> 00:06:00,859 Francine?! I-It's not what it looks like. 148 00:06:00,861 --> 00:06:05,530 It looks like you're playing with little toy cars. 149 00:06:05,532 --> 00:06:08,567 On the contrary. This is a slot car -- 150 00:06:08,569 --> 00:06:12,137 a 1/32 scale McLaren M7 with magnetic suspension, 151 00:06:12,139 --> 00:06:14,473 2.4 volt engine, and a real European -- 152 00:06:14,475 --> 00:06:15,974 Oh, wait. This is a toy car. 153 00:06:15,976 --> 00:06:18,510 This is all the stuff I said before. 154 00:06:18,512 --> 00:06:21,480 And when I put it on the track, it goes fast. 155 00:06:21,482 --> 00:06:23,181 Oh! 156 00:06:23,183 --> 00:06:25,150 Ooh! 157 00:06:25,152 --> 00:06:26,852 Oh! 158 00:06:26,854 --> 00:06:28,854 Oh! 159 00:06:28,856 --> 00:06:30,589 So... 160 00:06:30,591 --> 00:06:32,724 you're not hooking up with her. 161 00:06:32,726 --> 00:06:34,526 I wish! 162 00:06:34,528 --> 00:06:35,894 Yeah! 163 00:06:35,896 --> 00:06:38,063 And you're not interested in him. 164 00:06:38,065 --> 00:06:40,866 (laughs) Little tiny car guy? 165 00:06:40,868 --> 00:06:43,034 No. He's all yours. 166 00:06:43,036 --> 00:06:45,370 Oh. Great. 167 00:06:45,372 --> 00:06:47,372 My car has been slippy on this turn. 168 00:06:47,374 --> 00:06:49,574 (fabric tears) Francine, my pants ripped. 169 00:06:49,576 --> 00:06:51,676 Go to my desk, in my top drawer, there's a pair 170 00:06:51,678 --> 00:06:53,945 of sky-blue wrinkle-release Dockers. 171 00:06:53,947 --> 00:06:55,547 Underneath that is my "Phantom of the Opera" 172 00:06:55,549 --> 00:06:57,282 long sleeve t-shirt. 173 00:06:57,284 --> 00:07:01,186 Please bring it immediately and tie it around my waist. 174 00:07:05,793 --> 00:07:07,893 Wow, you must be so relieved. 175 00:07:07,895 --> 00:07:10,762 To go from thinking your husband was cheating on you 176 00:07:10,764 --> 00:07:12,764 to realizing he's an amazing athlete. 177 00:07:12,766 --> 00:07:15,634 But -- But why didn't you tell me about this? 178 00:07:15,636 --> 00:07:17,869 Because I knew you'd try to talk me out of racing 179 00:07:17,871 --> 00:07:20,372 Lonny Bulmanferg at the Altoona Grand Prix. 180 00:07:20,374 --> 00:07:22,140 Lonny Bulmanferg? 181 00:07:22,142 --> 00:07:24,376 Let's push him out of our minds for one night. 182 00:07:24,378 --> 00:07:26,611 Maybe with a sex. (groans) 183 00:07:26,613 --> 00:07:28,380 Ah, pins and needles, pins and needles! 184 00:07:28,382 --> 00:07:29,915 Ah. 185 00:07:29,917 --> 00:07:32,050 My legs are useless. 186 00:07:32,052 --> 00:07:35,086 Could be a great opportunity for you to ride me. 187 00:07:35,088 --> 00:07:37,722 But first, go to my study, in the right desk drawer, 188 00:07:37,724 --> 00:07:39,791 underneath a pair of pleated burgundy Dockers, 189 00:07:39,793 --> 00:07:41,893 you'll find my lovemaking sandals. 190 00:07:41,895 --> 00:07:43,128 What is that? 191 00:07:43,130 --> 00:07:44,796 Freakin' Bulmanferg. 192 00:07:44,798 --> 00:07:48,099 Prepare yourself for a rage boner, Francine. 193 00:07:48,101 --> 00:07:49,434 I... 194 00:07:49,436 --> 00:07:51,269 got to go to the bathroom. 195 00:07:51,271 --> 00:07:53,672 Make sure you use the wet wipes just in case 196 00:07:53,674 --> 00:07:55,874 I want to go mousing around down there. 197 00:07:57,678 --> 00:07:59,644 Here I come, ladies. 198 00:07:59,646 --> 00:08:02,080 (gulping) 199 00:08:02,082 --> 00:08:04,316 (grunts) 200 00:08:04,318 --> 00:08:05,684 Girl, what are we doing here? 201 00:08:05,686 --> 00:08:07,252 You don't have to worry about Diane. 202 00:08:07,254 --> 00:08:08,987 She thinks Stan's a real zero. 203 00:08:08,989 --> 00:08:11,790 Problem solved! Or is that the problem? 204 00:08:11,792 --> 00:08:14,826 One of the things that thrilled me about Stan 205 00:08:14,828 --> 00:08:17,429 was other women finding him sexy. 206 00:08:17,431 --> 00:08:19,431 Like having my own Chris Hemsworth. 207 00:08:19,433 --> 00:08:23,301 If you want that thrill back, you could sexy up Stan. 208 00:08:23,303 --> 00:08:25,003 Take him to get a makeover! 209 00:08:25,005 --> 00:08:26,605 To the mall! 210 00:08:26,607 --> 00:08:29,374 (slurred) To the mall! 211 00:08:31,879 --> 00:08:34,513 All right. Roger said we can all fly for free somewhere, 212 00:08:34,515 --> 00:08:36,348 so we need to agree on a place to go. 213 00:08:36,350 --> 00:08:38,183 I vote for Na Pali State Park. 214 00:08:38,185 --> 00:08:39,651 Wait, that's what I was gonna say. 215 00:08:39,653 --> 00:08:41,953 So was I! This is crazy! 216 00:08:41,955 --> 00:08:43,388 Hawaii... 217 00:08:43,390 --> 00:08:45,891 TOGETHER: Here we com-- 218 00:08:45,893 --> 00:08:47,392 Pack your bags, we're going to Fort Worth. 219 00:08:47,394 --> 00:08:48,460 -What?! -Fort Worth?! 220 00:08:48,462 --> 00:08:49,728 Okay! 221 00:08:49,730 --> 00:08:51,563 You said we could go anywhere we want. 222 00:08:51,565 --> 00:08:52,964 And now I'm saying 223 00:08:52,966 --> 00:08:54,633 that you're coming with me to laugh at my jokes 224 00:08:54,635 --> 00:08:57,736 because Karen is trying to drop a wet deuce on my dreams! 225 00:08:57,738 --> 00:09:00,672 If I wanted to hear jokes, I'd go to Snot's stand-up show. 226 00:09:00,674 --> 00:09:02,874 He's got a -- He's got a new bit about... 227 00:09:02,876 --> 00:09:05,977 (chuckles) how -- how bands at weddings, 228 00:09:05,979 --> 00:09:07,712 since they -- they just do cover songs 229 00:09:07,714 --> 00:09:10,649 are basically juke boxes that only take hundreds. 230 00:09:10,651 --> 00:09:13,151 (chuckles) He can make jokes out of anything. 231 00:09:13,153 --> 00:09:15,487 Guys, guys, you know me. 232 00:09:15,489 --> 00:09:17,389 Do I respond rationally 233 00:09:17,391 --> 00:09:21,426 when a new thang I'm into is met with resistance? 234 00:09:21,428 --> 00:09:23,194 (choking) So how about it? 235 00:09:23,196 --> 00:09:25,163 Are we all going to Fort Worth via Buffalo? 236 00:09:25,165 --> 00:09:26,398 Let him go! 237 00:09:26,400 --> 00:09:28,166 Okay, okay, I'm checking in now! 238 00:09:28,168 --> 00:09:30,936 You, show me your laugh. (forced laughing) 239 00:09:30,938 --> 00:09:32,671 That's great! You're doing it! 240 00:09:32,673 --> 00:09:34,773 (gasping) You guys are gonna love it. 241 00:09:34,775 --> 00:09:37,175 I start with stand-up, and then I move into improv, 242 00:09:37,177 --> 00:09:39,110 which I've been really flowing on lately. 243 00:09:39,112 --> 00:09:40,946 Check it, give me one word to start. 244 00:09:40,948 --> 00:09:43,181 Um... Cactus. 245 00:09:43,183 --> 00:09:45,884 Perfect, cactus. 246 00:09:45,886 --> 00:09:48,353 I'm choking this cactus! 247 00:09:50,891 --> 00:09:52,457 Francine, why are we here? 248 00:09:52,459 --> 00:09:54,025 I need to work on my slot cars. 249 00:09:54,027 --> 00:09:56,294 I just thought you could do it in cooler shoes, 250 00:09:56,296 --> 00:09:58,563 a V-neck sweater, and jeans so tight 251 00:09:58,565 --> 00:10:01,733 you have to put your dick and balls down different legs. 252 00:10:01,735 --> 00:10:03,301 Let's just hurry this up. 253 00:10:03,303 --> 00:10:05,270 Mel's counting on me to be ready for this weekend's race. 254 00:10:05,272 --> 00:10:06,805 Mel? 255 00:10:06,807 --> 00:10:09,207 Mel's my lane monkey, grooms the track, greases turns. 256 00:10:09,209 --> 00:10:10,875 Can't grease too much, though. 257 00:10:10,877 --> 00:10:12,143 The cars can shoot off the track. 258 00:10:12,145 --> 00:10:13,778 One car hit a guy in the arm once. 259 00:10:13,780 --> 00:10:15,914 They stopped the race so his mom could blow on it 260 00:10:15,916 --> 00:10:17,382 and give him some Gatorade. 261 00:10:18,885 --> 00:10:21,486 Excuse me, see that guy over there? 262 00:10:21,488 --> 00:10:24,656 I need you to make him irresistible to women. 263 00:10:24,658 --> 00:10:25,957 Super jump. 264 00:10:25,959 --> 00:10:27,892 So what do you think he'd look good in? 265 00:10:27,894 --> 00:10:29,227 A coffin. 266 00:10:29,229 --> 00:10:31,162 Oh, damn! 267 00:10:31,164 --> 00:10:33,331 Do you have this in green? 268 00:10:33,333 --> 00:10:35,467 (slurping) I don't understand 269 00:10:35,469 --> 00:10:38,903 why you have to wear that fanny pack over your new suit. 270 00:10:38,905 --> 00:10:40,105 You want me to carry hundreds 271 00:10:40,107 --> 00:10:42,107 of tiny screwdrivers in my pockets? 272 00:10:42,109 --> 00:10:43,608 Are you crazy? (fabric rips) 273 00:10:43,610 --> 00:10:45,143 Oh, my pants just ripped again. 274 00:10:45,145 --> 00:10:47,479 How?! You're just sitting there. 275 00:10:47,481 --> 00:10:48,980 I got a weird ass. 276 00:10:52,452 --> 00:10:54,419 We've wasted the whole day at the mall. 277 00:10:54,421 --> 00:10:56,287 Now I've got to rush to the airport. 278 00:10:56,289 --> 00:10:58,456 Well, if you got to wear the fanny pack, 279 00:10:58,458 --> 00:11:00,325 why don't you pop on these aviators 280 00:11:00,327 --> 00:11:03,094 or maybe go sleeveless. 281 00:11:03,096 --> 00:11:05,330 My sleeves! You know how cold I get! 282 00:11:05,332 --> 00:11:06,631 (shivering) 283 00:11:06,633 --> 00:11:08,433 Suck it up, Stan! 284 00:11:08,435 --> 00:11:11,002 You're turning women off all over town! 285 00:11:11,004 --> 00:11:12,837 You said I look like Chris Hemsworth! 286 00:11:12,839 --> 00:11:14,139 I lied! 287 00:11:14,141 --> 00:11:16,374 You look Elliot Hemsworth! 288 00:11:16,376 --> 00:11:17,709 Elliot? 289 00:11:17,711 --> 00:11:19,377 He's the disgrace of the Hemsworth clan. 290 00:11:19,379 --> 00:11:21,546 They tried to remove all trace of him on the Internet. 291 00:11:21,548 --> 00:11:23,114 With good reason! 292 00:11:23,116 --> 00:11:24,482 He's not an actor. 293 00:11:24,484 --> 00:11:26,384 He's just a doctor. 294 00:11:26,386 --> 00:11:28,987 (gasps) Well, you're a doctor, too! 295 00:11:28,989 --> 00:11:30,522 Dr. Evil! 296 00:11:30,524 --> 00:11:33,224 "One million dollars!" 297 00:11:33,226 --> 00:11:36,061 That's you! (sobbing) 298 00:11:38,565 --> 00:11:41,533 Can't you be the guy who other women want again? 299 00:11:41,535 --> 00:11:43,635 We can fix this! We? 300 00:11:43,637 --> 00:11:45,003 Hey, I don't have to fix anything. 301 00:11:45,005 --> 00:11:46,571 This is your problem. 302 00:11:46,573 --> 00:11:48,573 I'm just trying to live my life and race my car. 303 00:11:48,575 --> 00:11:51,376 Not worry about whether women find me attractive. 304 00:11:51,378 --> 00:11:53,478 Well, they don't! 305 00:11:53,480 --> 00:11:55,714 WOMAN: Hey, Stan! Mel! 306 00:11:55,716 --> 00:11:57,215 (squeals) 307 00:11:57,217 --> 00:11:59,017 I am so excited for Altoona! 308 00:11:59,019 --> 00:12:00,251 Tell me about it. 309 00:12:00,253 --> 00:12:01,720 I'm ready to run through a brick wall. 310 00:12:01,722 --> 00:12:04,222 Oh, Mel, this is my cruel wife, Francine. 311 00:12:04,224 --> 00:12:06,191 So nice to finally meet you. 312 00:12:06,193 --> 00:12:07,892 What the... 313 00:12:12,199 --> 00:12:13,565 We should go, Stan. 314 00:12:13,567 --> 00:12:14,833 Yep. Right behind ya. 315 00:12:14,835 --> 00:12:16,735 Just how I like it. 316 00:12:16,737 --> 00:12:18,503 (giggles) Kidding! 317 00:12:18,505 --> 00:12:19,904 That's Mel? 318 00:12:19,906 --> 00:12:21,372 Yep, she's my lane monkey 319 00:12:21,374 --> 00:12:24,008 and does some T3 raid racing herself. 320 00:12:24,010 --> 00:12:25,243 Sorry, slot talk. 321 00:12:25,245 --> 00:12:28,346 Probably not doin' it for ya. 322 00:12:28,348 --> 00:12:30,215 Why wouldn't he tell me about her? 323 00:12:30,217 --> 00:12:31,549 STEVE: Mom? 324 00:12:31,551 --> 00:12:33,284 Don't look at her, don't talk to her. 325 00:12:33,286 --> 00:12:36,087 Her thing doesn't concern us. We're not talking to her. 326 00:12:39,025 --> 00:12:42,026 (tires squeal) 327 00:12:42,028 --> 00:12:44,062 Oh, Stan! 328 00:12:44,064 --> 00:12:47,232 You can drive me anywhere. 329 00:12:47,234 --> 00:12:50,702 (engine revs) 330 00:12:50,704 --> 00:12:53,371 I want to go there. 331 00:12:53,373 --> 00:12:54,839 ¶ Ooh, wee ¶ 332 00:12:57,310 --> 00:12:58,643 ¶ Ooh ¶ 333 00:13:01,148 --> 00:13:03,648 (giggles) Stan! 334 00:13:06,887 --> 00:13:09,654 Stop! Stan, stop right now! 335 00:13:09,656 --> 00:13:11,156 But you're the one driving. 336 00:13:11,158 --> 00:13:14,125 ¶¶ 337 00:13:14,127 --> 00:13:17,262 ¶ Ooh, wee ¶ 338 00:13:17,264 --> 00:13:19,130 ¶ Ooh, wee ¶ 339 00:13:19,132 --> 00:13:21,332 (giggles) Faster. 340 00:13:21,334 --> 00:13:23,334 Faster! 341 00:13:23,336 --> 00:13:26,437 No, no. Oh, no, no! 342 00:13:26,439 --> 00:13:28,339 Oh, my God! 343 00:13:28,341 --> 00:13:29,974 I drove him toward -- 344 00:13:29,976 --> 00:13:31,910 (screams) Hey, Francine. 345 00:13:31,912 --> 00:13:33,578 Wake up, wake up, wake up! 346 00:13:33,580 --> 00:13:34,946 It's okay, you're awake! 347 00:13:34,948 --> 00:13:37,148 I've been experimenting with steroids. 348 00:13:37,150 --> 00:13:39,150 It's awesome! 349 00:13:39,152 --> 00:13:40,652 Now I wear tank tops 350 00:13:40,654 --> 00:13:43,521 with the thinnest straps you've ever seen. 351 00:13:52,632 --> 00:13:55,600 You okay? You've been so quiet. 352 00:13:55,602 --> 00:13:57,368 I had a big fight with Francine. 353 00:13:57,370 --> 00:13:59,871 She said some things that have me wondering if -- 354 00:13:59,873 --> 00:14:02,507 (imitates tires screeching) Aw! 355 00:14:02,509 --> 00:14:06,477 Did wittle Stan Smith have a fight with his wittle wife? 356 00:14:06,479 --> 00:14:08,213 You don't even have a wife, Lonny. 357 00:14:08,215 --> 00:14:09,814 That's 'cause I don't want one! 358 00:14:09,816 --> 00:14:11,616 I could have any girl in this place! 359 00:14:11,618 --> 00:14:14,118 I'm the only girl here. 360 00:14:14,120 --> 00:14:16,621 Are -- Are you asking me to marry you? 361 00:14:16,623 --> 00:14:18,356 Just worry about the race 362 00:14:18,358 --> 00:14:20,558 and the killer joke about your name 363 00:14:20,560 --> 00:14:23,661 that Stan's got locked and loaded for after he wins. 364 00:14:23,663 --> 00:14:24,963 Good luck. 365 00:14:24,965 --> 00:14:26,464 People have been trying to make fun of 366 00:14:26,466 --> 00:14:29,334 the Bulmanferg name for years, but it's bulletproof! 367 00:14:29,336 --> 00:14:31,703 And you're not gonna have a chance anyway. 368 00:14:31,705 --> 00:14:35,740 'Cause you're a loser -- a real Elliot Hemsworth! 369 00:14:35,742 --> 00:14:38,409 Turbo boost! (zooming) 370 00:14:38,411 --> 00:14:40,144 Elliot might be a doctor now, 371 00:14:40,146 --> 00:14:42,080 but here's still time to turn his life around. 372 00:14:42,082 --> 00:14:43,514 (sighs) 373 00:14:43,516 --> 00:14:45,917 Julia Child didn't blossom till her mid-40s. 374 00:14:45,919 --> 00:14:48,586 Yeah, and Judi Dench -- this is a fact, I read it -- 375 00:14:48,588 --> 00:14:52,056 simply did not exist until she was 56 years old. 376 00:14:54,594 --> 00:14:57,362 I've driven Stan into the arms of some skank 377 00:14:57,364 --> 00:15:00,231 who actually cares about all his stupid stuff! 378 00:15:00,233 --> 00:15:02,333 Oh, there's an easy way to fix this. 379 00:15:02,335 --> 00:15:04,502 Just sleep with one of his coworkers. 380 00:15:04,504 --> 00:15:05,837 That works. 381 00:15:05,839 --> 00:15:08,072 Or the super-ripped fish. He's hot. 382 00:15:08,074 --> 00:15:10,909 Or someone closer to him, 383 00:15:10,911 --> 00:15:13,378 like his little buddy, Steve. 384 00:15:13,380 --> 00:15:16,381 No, I'm not sleeping with Steve! 385 00:15:16,383 --> 00:15:17,882 What am I doing? 386 00:15:17,884 --> 00:15:19,784 Drinking Windex and fertilizer 387 00:15:19,786 --> 00:15:22,086 and talking to the voices in my head?! 388 00:15:22,088 --> 00:15:24,022 This ends now! 389 00:15:24,024 --> 00:15:27,058 -No! -No! 390 00:15:27,060 --> 00:15:29,360 We'll be waiting for you in Hell! 391 00:15:29,362 --> 00:15:32,096 You will weep before the Dark Lord! 392 00:15:32,098 --> 00:15:34,098 Your arms are too thick for that dress! 393 00:15:34,100 --> 00:15:35,867 Everyone thinks so! 394 00:15:35,869 --> 00:15:38,303 I'm gonna go get my husband back! 395 00:15:38,305 --> 00:15:39,971 Klaus, you're in charge. 396 00:15:39,973 --> 00:15:41,973 I'm taking control of my life. 397 00:15:41,975 --> 00:15:44,342 You see the pool, right? 398 00:15:48,748 --> 00:15:50,415 Then there's James Michener. 399 00:15:50,417 --> 00:15:52,550 He didn't write his first book until he was 40. 400 00:15:52,552 --> 00:15:55,253 Helen Mirren wasn't hot until she turned 70. 401 00:15:55,255 --> 00:15:58,156 Yeah. Stan, you have a long list of late-bloomers. 402 00:15:58,158 --> 00:15:59,724 (sighs) 403 00:15:59,726 --> 00:16:01,626 Can I ask you a question? 404 00:16:01,628 --> 00:16:04,095 Do you think I'm... attractive? 405 00:16:04,097 --> 00:16:07,799 Stan, you're the first white man I've ever been attracted to. 406 00:16:07,801 --> 00:16:09,067 I appreciate that. 407 00:16:09,069 --> 00:16:10,835 (cellphone rings) 408 00:16:10,837 --> 00:16:12,971 It's Francine. I should take this. 409 00:16:12,973 --> 00:16:14,439 Don't think about Francine. 410 00:16:14,441 --> 00:16:16,074 You've got the biggest race of your life tomorrow. 411 00:16:16,076 --> 00:16:18,776 You need to relax. Hey. 412 00:16:18,778 --> 00:16:20,979 I've got a naughty idea. 413 00:16:20,981 --> 00:16:23,147 (whispering) 414 00:16:26,119 --> 00:16:28,786 And them first class be like spoiled little kids. 415 00:16:28,788 --> 00:16:30,955 Spoiled little kids sitting there all, 416 00:16:30,957 --> 00:16:33,191 "Where's my apple juice?" 417 00:16:33,193 --> 00:16:35,593 (forced laughter) 418 00:16:35,595 --> 00:16:37,829 Exit row gets it. 419 00:16:37,831 --> 00:16:41,032 Meanwhile, coach passengers be like, "Can I have a seat? 420 00:16:41,034 --> 00:16:43,434 Can I have a seat? 421 00:16:43,436 --> 00:16:44,936 Just one little seat. 422 00:16:44,938 --> 00:16:47,005 Just one big enough to put my butt cheek on 423 00:16:47,007 --> 00:16:49,140 while first class drinks their apple juice." 424 00:16:49,142 --> 00:16:51,209 (forced laughter) 425 00:16:51,211 --> 00:16:55,046 I hope that's the only crash landing we experience today. 426 00:16:55,048 --> 00:16:57,482 (laughter and applause) 427 00:16:57,484 --> 00:17:00,151 We'll be touching down in Fort Worth soon. 428 00:17:00,153 --> 00:17:03,054 A funny name, because any reason "worth" visiting 429 00:17:03,056 --> 00:17:05,990 must be hidden in a "fort" somewhere. 430 00:17:05,992 --> 00:17:08,192 (laughter and applause) 431 00:17:09,863 --> 00:17:12,864 (slot cars zooming) 432 00:17:26,980 --> 00:17:29,881 MAN: Four laps to go, they're neck and neck! 433 00:17:32,252 --> 00:17:34,819 This is crazy! 434 00:17:34,821 --> 00:17:36,788 Here they come! 435 00:17:38,491 --> 00:17:40,158 The yellow car won. 436 00:17:40,160 --> 00:17:42,927 Wait, i-it's over? Did I win? 437 00:17:42,929 --> 00:17:44,429 Did you have the yellow car? 438 00:17:44,431 --> 00:17:45,730 -Yeah. -Then you won. 439 00:17:45,732 --> 00:17:46,998 Yes! 440 00:17:47,000 --> 00:17:49,400 All right, Stan. You bested me. 441 00:17:49,402 --> 00:17:53,037 But the Bulmanferg name remains indestructible. 442 00:17:53,039 --> 00:17:54,939 I wouldn't be so sure... 443 00:17:54,941 --> 00:17:57,275 Foolmanferg. 444 00:17:57,277 --> 00:17:58,943 You have... 445 00:17:58,945 --> 00:18:00,578 destroyed me. 446 00:18:00,580 --> 00:18:02,346 Look for me in the obituaries. 447 00:18:02,348 --> 00:18:04,682 Yes! You did it, Stan! 448 00:18:04,684 --> 00:18:07,718 Mel, I can't stop thinking about what we did last night. 449 00:18:07,720 --> 00:18:09,220 I feel terrible. 450 00:18:09,222 --> 00:18:11,923 It was a one-time thing, no one has to know. 451 00:18:11,925 --> 00:18:15,226 I'll know. 452 00:18:15,228 --> 00:18:17,929 Forget about him. You need a real man. 453 00:18:17,931 --> 00:18:20,131 What do you say we go up to my room 454 00:18:20,133 --> 00:18:22,533 and you take my virginity. 455 00:18:28,274 --> 00:18:29,974 (sighs) 456 00:18:32,145 --> 00:18:33,411 Francine?! 457 00:18:33,413 --> 00:18:35,480 Stan, I'm so sorry. 458 00:18:35,482 --> 00:18:37,548 (sobbing) 459 00:18:37,550 --> 00:18:40,651 Francine, I cheated with Mel! 460 00:18:40,653 --> 00:18:43,154 Oh, God! I knew it! 461 00:18:43,156 --> 00:18:44,956 I threw it all away. 462 00:18:44,958 --> 00:18:47,758 I had it all, and I threw it all away. 463 00:18:47,760 --> 00:18:50,428 (sobbing) 464 00:18:50,430 --> 00:18:52,463 No, it was my fault! 465 00:18:52,465 --> 00:18:54,398 I pushed you away. 466 00:18:54,400 --> 00:18:55,933 We can come back from this. 467 00:18:55,935 --> 00:18:57,468 We can rebuild! 468 00:18:57,470 --> 00:19:00,805 No, it's over, Francine. We have to get a divorce. 469 00:19:00,807 --> 00:19:03,174 I won't fight you for custody. You can have them. 470 00:19:03,176 --> 00:19:05,843 I can't believe this is happening! 471 00:19:05,845 --> 00:19:07,845 Mel said it wouldn't be such a big deal 472 00:19:07,847 --> 00:19:09,480 if we stripped everything off. 473 00:19:09,482 --> 00:19:11,916 Ah! Stripped it off! 474 00:19:11,918 --> 00:19:13,484 And shaved down the axle. 475 00:19:13,486 --> 00:19:16,921 You shaved down the axle! 476 00:19:16,923 --> 00:19:18,756 And we added tack to the tires 477 00:19:18,758 --> 00:19:21,159 so we wouldn't lose speed on the turns! 478 00:19:21,161 --> 00:19:23,161 Tack to the tires?! 479 00:19:23,163 --> 00:19:25,663 I should have let you do that to me! 480 00:19:25,665 --> 00:19:29,133 Wait. Are you talking about cheating at slot cars? 481 00:19:29,135 --> 00:19:31,135 Yes, my title means nothing. 482 00:19:31,137 --> 00:19:32,470 I'm a fraud! 483 00:19:32,472 --> 00:19:34,772 Oh, good. Our marriage is fine. 484 00:19:34,774 --> 00:19:36,474 Stan, I was wrong for trying to change you. 485 00:19:36,476 --> 00:19:37,775 I'll see you at home. 486 00:19:37,777 --> 00:19:40,545 (groaning) 487 00:19:40,547 --> 00:19:44,382 (sobbing) How did this become so important to me?! 488 00:19:46,886 --> 00:19:50,721 Remember, our menu is 100% gluten-free... 489 00:19:50,723 --> 00:19:54,492 because food is 100% not available. 490 00:19:54,494 --> 00:19:55,359 (laughter) 491 00:19:55,361 --> 00:19:57,461 That's it! 492 00:19:57,463 --> 00:20:00,164 Ha ha ha ha ha. Ah ha ha. 493 00:20:00,166 --> 00:20:02,066 How about a little dark humor? 494 00:20:02,068 --> 00:20:04,535 10 minutes ago, I initiated an engine failure 495 00:20:04,537 --> 00:20:06,837 which will make the plane lose hydraulics, 496 00:20:06,839 --> 00:20:08,639 release shrapnel into the ductwork, 497 00:20:08,641 --> 00:20:10,708 and start an uncontainable fire. 498 00:20:10,710 --> 00:20:11,842 (all gasp) 499 00:20:11,844 --> 00:20:13,511 And for my closing joke, 500 00:20:13,513 --> 00:20:15,680 a 30,000 foot drop to your death. 501 00:20:15,682 --> 00:20:18,516 Thank you, you're a wonderful audience. 502 00:20:18,518 --> 00:20:21,519 (all screaming, alarm ringing) 503 00:20:21,521 --> 00:20:23,754 You see my set? 504 00:20:23,756 --> 00:20:25,323 I killed! 505 00:20:25,325 --> 00:20:27,258 Yah! 506 00:20:27,260 --> 00:20:28,726 (bleep) me. 507 00:20:28,728 --> 00:20:31,295 (screaming) 508 00:20:41,507 --> 00:20:44,742 (laughter) 509 00:20:44,744 --> 00:20:46,210 They're... 510 00:20:46,212 --> 00:20:47,578 laughing. 511 00:20:47,580 --> 00:20:50,248 (laughing) 512 00:20:50,250 --> 00:20:52,216 They're all laughing. 513 00:20:52,218 --> 00:20:54,619 Oh... I see a white light. 514 00:20:54,621 --> 00:20:56,921 White light be all, "Um, can you come towards me, 515 00:20:56,923 --> 00:20:58,689 if it's not too much trouble?" 516 00:20:58,691 --> 00:21:02,226 Black light be like, "Get your ass over here!" 517 00:21:02,228 --> 00:21:04,228 Bye! Have a great time! 518 00:21:04,230 --> 00:21:07,999 -- Captions by VITAC --