1
00:00:01,635 --> 00:00:04,703
¶¶
2
00:00:17,051 --> 00:00:19,885
We found the first stone.
3
00:00:19,887 --> 00:00:22,921
Bring it to me.
4
00:00:26,160 --> 00:00:28,927
I'm so close.
5
00:00:30,631 --> 00:00:34,199
Ho ho ho ho!
(laughs evilly)
6
00:00:34,201 --> 00:00:35,968
Oh! Oh, no, I can't look!
7
00:00:35,970 --> 00:00:38,737
Did I break it?
I feel like I broke it!
8
00:00:38,739 --> 00:00:40,139
Seems fine.
9
00:00:40,141 --> 00:00:42,374
Whew!
That was a close one!
10
00:00:42,376 --> 00:00:44,810
Now where was I?
11
00:00:44,812 --> 00:00:46,812
Oh, yes.
12
00:00:46,814 --> 00:00:48,680
(cackles) Oops!
13
00:00:48,682 --> 00:00:54,153
¶ Silent night ¶
14
00:00:54,155 --> 00:00:59,258
¶ Holy night ¶
15
00:00:59,260 --> 00:01:04,363
¶ All is calm ¶
16
00:01:04,365 --> 00:01:09,701
¶ All is bright ¶
17
00:01:09,703 --> 00:01:15,007
¶ Round yon virgin ¶
18
00:01:15,009 --> 00:01:17,910
¶ Mother and chi-- ¶
19
00:01:17,912 --> 00:01:19,545
(record needle scratches)
20
00:01:19,547 --> 00:01:21,947
Impeccable work
on the dummies, Francine.
21
00:01:21,949 --> 00:01:23,415
I never realized
how my hair is exactly
22
00:01:23,417 --> 00:01:25,184
like the bristles
of a push broom.
23
00:01:25,186 --> 00:01:27,052
Yeah, I just see these things.
24
00:01:27,054 --> 00:01:29,254
I don't know.
I make connections.
25
00:01:29,256 --> 00:01:31,523
Everyone into
your cryo-sleep pods.
26
00:01:31,525 --> 00:01:33,792
Are we really gonna
skip Christmas?
27
00:01:33,794 --> 00:01:36,695
Well, it is the time of year
that Santa tries to kill us.
28
00:01:36,697 --> 00:01:39,398
Yeah, remember when he came
at us with that elf army?
29
00:01:39,400 --> 00:01:41,033
Don't forget,
he also murdered Grandpa,
30
00:01:41,035 --> 00:01:42,734
and now Grandpa is Krampus.
31
00:01:42,736 --> 00:01:44,369
And if it's not Santa,
it's something else.
32
00:01:44,371 --> 00:01:46,638
No one even's mentioning
the time I wished you all away
33
00:01:46,640 --> 00:01:47,973
and got a better family
What?
34
00:01:47,975 --> 00:01:49,608
Huh?
Sorry, what?
35
00:01:49,610 --> 00:01:51,610
But there's been good times,
too.
36
00:01:51,612 --> 00:01:54,213
We all love the
Christmas Village in Chimdale.
37
00:01:54,215 --> 00:01:57,616
We get the tree,
ride the little train.
I hate that place.
38
00:01:57,618 --> 00:02:01,253
All those creeps on Grindr
just prowling the tree farm.
39
00:02:01,255 --> 00:02:03,222
Sickening.
And they always do you
40
00:02:03,224 --> 00:02:05,657
up against some
shabby Douglas Fir.
41
00:02:05,659 --> 00:02:08,293
Finding pine needles for weeks,
good Lord.
42
00:02:08,295 --> 00:02:11,396
So we're just giving up
on Christmas?
43
00:02:11,398 --> 00:02:13,232
Christmas sucks, Steve.
Let it go.
44
00:02:13,234 --> 00:02:15,434
All right, if everything goes
according to plan,
45
00:02:15,436 --> 00:02:16,969
we'll wake up on the 26th,
46
00:02:16,971 --> 00:02:18,604
but if that
awful Santa shows up,
47
00:02:18,606 --> 00:02:21,006
as soon as he lays a hand
on those decoy dummies,
48
00:02:21,008 --> 00:02:24,176
our pods will shoot safely
into the sewer system.
49
00:02:24,178 --> 00:02:26,245
From there, Roger?
50
00:02:26,247 --> 00:02:28,647
Sewers to Potomac to ocean,
and then the currents
51
00:02:28,649 --> 00:02:31,450
will take us straight
to Jimmy Buffett's yacht.
52
00:02:31,452 --> 00:02:34,119
From there, it's nothing
but margaritas
53
00:02:34,121 --> 00:02:35,687
and old tan-lined tits.
54
00:02:37,658 --> 00:02:39,525
(beep, whir)
55
00:02:44,665 --> 00:02:46,798
Gotta put your arms down, son.
56
00:02:46,800 --> 00:02:49,101
God! He's overpowering me!
57
00:02:49,103 --> 00:02:50,536
Stan, it's the dummy.
58
00:02:50,538 --> 00:02:53,472
Wow! You even nailed
the texture of his skin.
59
00:02:53,474 --> 00:02:55,007
Is this pizza?
60
00:02:55,009 --> 00:02:58,544
No. No, it's not.
61
00:02:58,546 --> 00:03:00,479
He's not here, either.
62
00:03:00,481 --> 00:03:02,514
That means he's outside!
63
00:03:02,516 --> 00:03:04,650
On Christmas Eve!
64
00:03:04,652 --> 00:03:06,318
We have to find him.
65
00:03:06,320 --> 00:03:08,187
Ooh, his browser history shows
he bought at ticket
66
00:03:08,189 --> 00:03:11,557
to the Chimdale Polar Traintown
Christmas Village off Route 2.
67
00:03:11,559 --> 00:03:13,659
He's at the Christmas Village.
of course.
68
00:03:13,661 --> 00:03:16,361
He also searched for
"Muscle lady sexy,"
69
00:03:16,363 --> 00:03:18,997
"Strong female looks
at camera bench press,"
70
00:03:18,999 --> 00:03:21,233
"Naked woman
kettle bell strain."
71
00:03:21,235 --> 00:03:24,336
Wow, what a pervert, right?
72
00:03:24,338 --> 00:03:28,373
Klaus, we know you use
Steve's computer.
73
00:03:28,375 --> 00:03:30,742
Let's leave Jeff in the pod.
74
00:03:30,744 --> 00:03:32,411
We'll be right back,
and he'll be safer there.
75
00:03:32,413 --> 00:03:36,548
Good thinking, Haley!
Surf's up, Jeff-er-ee! Hi-ya!
76
00:03:36,550 --> 00:03:38,550
(whoosh)
77
00:03:41,355 --> 00:03:45,724
¶¶
78
00:03:45,726 --> 00:03:47,092
(brakes squeal)
79
00:03:47,094 --> 00:03:48,560
There he is!
80
00:03:48,562 --> 00:03:51,396
Now I don't like to say
"Xmas"...
81
00:03:51,398 --> 00:03:53,498
but I love to write it.
82
00:03:53,500 --> 00:03:54,866
(train whistle blows)
83
00:03:54,868 --> 00:03:57,069
We gotta get back
to the pods!
84
00:03:57,071 --> 00:03:58,670
Where's that train going?!
85
00:03:58,672 --> 00:04:01,373
It just goes around the farm
in a little loop. (chuckles)
86
00:04:01,375 --> 00:04:03,842
All our kids are on it.
Ooh, bad news, though.
87
00:04:03,844 --> 00:04:06,678
You missed the conductor
handing out free candy canes.
88
00:04:06,680 --> 00:04:08,847
You ever have
one of these babies?
89
00:04:08,849 --> 00:04:10,882
The flavor, it's...
90
00:04:10,884 --> 00:04:12,851
how do I put it into words?
91
00:04:12,853 --> 00:04:15,387
Oh! You know those
starlight mints you get
at restaurants?
92
00:04:15,389 --> 00:04:20,425
It's like of those really got
a chance to stretch its legs.
93
00:04:20,427 --> 00:04:22,261
Are you explaining
a candy cane to me?
94
00:04:22,263 --> 00:04:23,862
Let him speak.
95
00:04:23,864 --> 00:04:27,032
(train whistle blows)
96
00:04:27,034 --> 00:04:29,134
Excuse me. When does
the other train get back?
97
00:04:29,136 --> 00:04:30,736
This is the only train.
98
00:04:30,738 --> 00:04:32,804
But I just saw a train
pull out full of kids!
99
00:04:32,806 --> 00:04:35,107
Sir, are you proposing
there's another train?
100
00:04:35,109 --> 00:04:38,610
A "magic train" that -- that
comes around when I'm not here?
101
00:04:38,612 --> 00:04:39,978
I know you're being sarcastic,
102
00:04:39,980 --> 00:04:41,580
but maybe that is
what's happening here.
103
00:04:41,582 --> 00:04:43,815
It has to be.
Ask one of these other parents.
104
00:04:43,817 --> 00:04:46,118
Their kids were on the train,
too.
105
00:04:46,120 --> 00:04:47,786
What? I don't have kids.
106
00:04:47,788 --> 00:04:49,454
I've never had a child.
107
00:04:49,456 --> 00:04:51,490
ALL: ¶ No ¶
108
00:04:51,492 --> 00:04:54,092
¶ Kids ¶
¶ No kids ¶
109
00:04:54,094 --> 00:04:55,994
(tune of "No Scrubs")
¶ No, I don't want no kids ¶
110
00:04:55,996 --> 00:04:59,097
¶ A kid is a thing I don't have
or want to have ¶
111
00:04:59,099 --> 00:05:00,565
This is so strange.
112
00:05:00,567 --> 00:05:03,568
How can they have forgotten
their own children?
113
00:05:03,570 --> 00:05:06,905
Do you think there might be
something in the candy canes?
114
00:05:06,907 --> 00:05:08,507
(gasps) Oh, my God!
That's it!
115
00:05:08,509 --> 00:05:10,442
Who licked my candy cane?
116
00:05:10,444 --> 00:05:12,244
Why am I a fish?
117
00:05:12,246 --> 00:05:14,479
I'm back from whatever
I was doing. What'd I miss?
118
00:05:14,481 --> 00:05:16,848
Where the hell is Steve?!
(rustling)
119
00:05:16,850 --> 00:05:20,352
I know what's happened
to your son.
120
00:05:20,354 --> 00:05:22,254
He's in danger.
121
00:05:22,256 --> 00:05:24,456
Are you seriously trying
to talk to me right now?
122
00:05:24,458 --> 00:05:26,491
Do you not understand
how Grindr works?
123
00:05:26,493 --> 00:05:29,328
We did what we came to do,
but now I'm with my family.
124
00:05:29,330 --> 00:05:31,763
This is my real life.
You're way out of bounds.
125
00:05:31,765 --> 00:05:35,167
Um, I think -- I think you're
confusing me with someone else.
126
00:05:35,169 --> 00:05:38,437
I was just saying that
your boy is in danger.
127
00:05:38,439 --> 00:05:41,173
He's been taken
to the North Pole.
128
00:05:41,175 --> 00:05:43,642
¶¶
129
00:05:43,644 --> 00:05:45,711
(whistle blows)
130
00:05:45,713 --> 00:05:48,547
Damn, Route 2 Traintown,
131
00:05:48,549 --> 00:05:52,684
this is Rainforest Cafe-caliber
enchantment.
132
00:05:57,324 --> 00:05:58,890
So you're telling me
133
00:05:58,892 --> 00:06:00,826
that Steve has been abducted
and taken to the North Pole?
134
00:06:00,828 --> 00:06:03,295
Mm-hmm.
Okay, who did this?
135
00:06:03,297 --> 00:06:05,697
The North Pole --
that's a clue.
136
00:06:05,699 --> 00:06:09,234
Maybe those white bears
or those tuxedo birds.
137
00:06:09,236 --> 00:06:10,736
The ones like...
138
00:06:10,738 --> 00:06:13,138
It was Santa Claus.
I knew it!
139
00:06:13,140 --> 00:06:15,307
For years, Santa has been
stealing children
140
00:06:15,309 --> 00:06:17,376
from around the world,
using them to work
141
00:06:17,378 --> 00:06:20,345
on some mysterious project
in the North Pole.
142
00:06:20,347 --> 00:06:21,880
How do you know all this?
143
00:06:21,882 --> 00:06:23,982
Because I was one
of his elves
144
00:06:23,984 --> 00:06:25,684
until he banished me.
145
00:06:25,686 --> 00:06:27,686
He clipped my ears
146
00:06:27,688 --> 00:06:29,755
and stretched my body.
147
00:06:29,757 --> 00:06:31,890
(gags)
My name's Puddin'!
148
00:06:31,892 --> 00:06:33,725
Why were you banished?
149
00:06:33,727 --> 00:06:35,594
Well, I didn't do
anything wrong.
150
00:06:35,596 --> 00:06:38,663
It's just like the culture
up there was really diseased,
151
00:06:38,665 --> 00:06:41,266
and it was all just, like,
clique-y politics
152
00:06:41,268 --> 00:06:43,435
and people were
really threatened by
clear communication.
153
00:06:43,437 --> 00:06:45,737
You were the problem.
He was the problem.
154
00:06:45,739 --> 00:06:48,273
Let's not sit around
and listen to some fired elf.
155
00:06:48,275 --> 00:06:51,009
We have to get to the North Pole
and rescue Steve!
156
00:06:51,011 --> 00:06:53,044
You can't just get
to the North Pole,
157
00:06:53,046 --> 00:06:55,080
not without Christmas magic.
158
00:06:55,082 --> 00:06:58,417
But you're in luck,
because I've got it.
159
00:06:58,419 --> 00:06:59,751
Does anyone else have it,
160
00:06:59,753 --> 00:07:01,219
or can you transfer it
to us somehow
161
00:07:01,221 --> 00:07:02,921
without...touching us?
162
00:07:05,092 --> 00:07:08,093
So...we're pretending this is
where Santa mines his coal
163
00:07:08,095 --> 00:07:09,561
for the bad kids?
164
00:07:09,563 --> 00:07:14,399
Oh, I like it.
Light cardio followed by cocoa?
165
00:07:14,401 --> 00:07:17,302
Oh, no! This boy fainted!
166
00:07:17,304 --> 00:07:19,738
He needs juice
and maybe a sugar cookie.
167
00:07:19,740 --> 00:07:21,373
And what the hell?
I'll take one, too.
168
00:07:21,375 --> 00:07:22,908
Oh, my God!
169
00:07:22,910 --> 00:07:27,779
Steve Smith, what the hell
are you doing here?
170
00:07:27,781 --> 00:07:30,949
Aah! Santa!
W-why are you in Chimdale?
171
00:07:30,951 --> 00:07:33,485
This is the North Pole,
ya stupid!
172
00:07:33,487 --> 00:07:35,654
Ha! It'll take more
than two elves to...
173
00:07:35,656 --> 00:07:38,990
(groaning)
174
00:07:38,992 --> 00:07:41,393
(sighs) Actually, two seems like
overkill.
175
00:07:41,395 --> 00:07:42,828
(chugging)
176
00:07:42,830 --> 00:07:44,930
Getting this train
to the North Pole's
177
00:07:44,932 --> 00:07:46,665
gonna take a little trick.
178
00:07:46,667 --> 00:07:49,334
Just do it, Puddin'.
179
00:07:49,336 --> 00:07:51,069
(clank)
180
00:07:51,071 --> 00:07:54,139
(chugging)
181
00:07:57,411 --> 00:07:58,844
We'll be dashed to pieces!
182
00:07:58,846 --> 00:08:01,012
Not with my Christmas magic,
we won't!
183
00:08:01,014 --> 00:08:05,417
The rocks are gonna open!
The season's rising up in me!
184
00:08:05,419 --> 00:08:08,820
I believe! I believe
in the magic of Christmas.
185
00:08:08,822 --> 00:08:10,455
¶ Fa-la-la! ¶
186
00:08:10,457 --> 00:08:14,826
(crash, debris falls)
187
00:08:14,828 --> 00:08:17,762
Yeah, he didn't have
the Christmas magic.
188
00:08:17,764 --> 00:08:19,631
For elves, it's in
the pointy part of the ears.
189
00:08:19,633 --> 00:08:21,266
Read your bible, people.
190
00:08:21,268 --> 00:08:23,468
We still need Christmas magic.
191
00:08:23,470 --> 00:08:26,538
I think we all know where
we have to go.
192
00:08:26,540 --> 00:08:28,640
(Gunshots, woman screams,
sirens wailing in distance)
193
00:08:28,642 --> 00:08:32,110
How much longer do we have
to wait? It's scary here.
194
00:08:32,112 --> 00:08:34,679
Bus 435. It'll be here
any second.
195
00:08:34,681 --> 00:08:37,215
(Imitates brakes squeal
and hiss)
196
00:08:37,217 --> 00:08:38,783
(singsongy) Bus is here.
197
00:08:38,785 --> 00:08:40,986
Any of you guys
looking to smash?
198
00:08:40,988 --> 00:08:42,287
I call shotgun.
199
00:08:42,289 --> 00:08:44,322
(creepy voice) The girl.
200
00:08:44,324 --> 00:08:45,991
(crash, door hisses)
201
00:08:45,993 --> 00:08:49,861
Well, if it isn't my no-good son
and his deadbeat friends.
202
00:08:49,863 --> 00:08:52,130
Hey, Dad.
203
00:08:52,132 --> 00:08:54,666
When I told you I was
driving a bus in Baltimore,
204
00:08:54,668 --> 00:08:56,134
it was so you'd be impressed,
205
00:08:56,136 --> 00:08:58,003
not so you'd visit me
unannounced.
206
00:08:58,005 --> 00:08:59,971
We need to get
to the North Pole right away,
207
00:08:59,973 --> 00:09:02,140
and we need your Christmas magic
to get there.
208
00:09:02,142 --> 00:09:04,175
I'm done with
that Krampus stuff.
209
00:09:04,177 --> 00:09:07,245
Punishing kids at Christmas?
Too much stress.
210
00:09:07,247 --> 00:09:11,416
I had to get away,
grab myself a slice of paradise.
211
00:09:11,418 --> 00:09:13,184
In Baltimore?
212
00:09:13,186 --> 00:09:15,420
Well, technically,
I'm living in Woodlawn,
213
00:09:15,422 --> 00:09:18,823
but, yes, for an out-of-towner,
"Baltimore."
214
00:09:18,825 --> 00:09:20,492
But you don't understand,
Krampus.
215
00:09:20,494 --> 00:09:22,761
Santa has kidnapped Steve!
216
00:09:22,763 --> 00:09:26,264
Steve Harvey?!
Santa's gone too far this time!
217
00:09:26,266 --> 00:09:30,068
No! Steve Smith,
your grandson!
218
00:09:30,070 --> 00:09:31,503
Fine.
219
00:09:31,505 --> 00:09:33,371
(click)
220
00:09:33,373 --> 00:09:36,174
Hey! I was going to the wharf
to yell at the bucket drummers!
221
00:09:36,176 --> 00:09:38,944
Tough! We're going
to the North Pole.
222
00:09:38,946 --> 00:09:41,546
Then I get to sleep
on the bus!
223
00:09:41,548 --> 00:09:43,348
This is not a hotel!
224
00:09:52,426 --> 00:09:54,960
(all scream)
Oh, shut up.
225
00:09:57,431 --> 00:10:00,599
Yay!
226
00:10:03,937 --> 00:10:05,403
(eerie warping sound)
STAN: Where are we?
227
00:10:05,405 --> 00:10:06,871
We're nowhere.
228
00:10:06,873 --> 00:10:09,240
We're on a channel
between time and space,
229
00:10:09,242 --> 00:10:11,409
before and after
all things.
230
00:10:11,411 --> 00:10:15,213
Hey, you know, I was thinking,
we could call you "Grampus."
231
00:10:15,215 --> 00:10:18,049
That is my name.
No, like with a "G," like --
232
00:10:18,051 --> 00:10:19,751
like Grandpa and Krampus --
233
00:10:19,753 --> 00:10:21,119
Behind the line!
234
00:10:21,121 --> 00:10:23,822
Everyone needs to stay
behind the line!
235
00:10:28,261 --> 00:10:30,328
(wind howling)
236
00:10:30,330 --> 00:10:33,365
(speaking native language)
237
00:10:35,602 --> 00:10:39,104
(horn honks)
238
00:10:39,106 --> 00:10:40,739
(all gasp)
239
00:10:40,741 --> 00:10:44,843
Now to get into Santa's village,
we'll need disguises.
240
00:10:45,846 --> 00:10:49,981
Well, well, well, I think I see
the perfect cover
241
00:10:49,983 --> 00:10:52,684
right before my eyes.
242
00:10:52,686 --> 00:10:55,520
Fish for sale!
Got a fish for sale!
243
00:10:55,522 --> 00:10:58,089
Mmm, fish! Finally!
Head on in!
244
00:10:58,091 --> 00:11:00,992
(doors creak)
245
00:11:00,994 --> 00:11:04,062
("Carol of the Bells" playing)
246
00:11:08,835 --> 00:11:12,470
So you're really not here
to foil my plans?
247
00:11:12,472 --> 00:11:16,007
No, I swear! I was just
trying to have a nice Christmas.
248
00:11:16,009 --> 00:11:19,144
Then what am I
hassling you for?
249
00:11:19,146 --> 00:11:21,946
Cut his throat,
but make it Christmassy.
250
00:11:21,948 --> 00:11:24,716
He wants a nice Christmas.
251
00:11:24,718 --> 00:11:26,484
Ahh! Ahh!
252
00:11:26,486 --> 00:11:27,952
ROGER: Fish!
(smack)
253
00:11:27,954 --> 00:11:31,289
Give us our son,
you jelly-bellied bastard!
254
00:11:31,291 --> 00:11:32,691
I'm saved!
255
00:11:32,693 --> 00:11:35,694
Ho ho ho! Smiths!
256
00:11:35,696 --> 00:11:39,164
You're never gonna make it
out of the North Pole alive.
257
00:11:39,166 --> 00:11:42,400
Oh, sir, we found
the other stone.
258
00:11:42,402 --> 00:11:45,403
Ooh! Let me see it!
259
00:11:45,405 --> 00:11:49,074
Beautiful.
They're both mine.
260
00:11:49,076 --> 00:11:51,076
Smiths, you're free to go.
STAN: Really?
261
00:11:51,078 --> 00:11:54,212
At last, I'm ready
to enter the final stage
262
00:11:54,214 --> 00:11:56,881
of my grand design.
263
00:11:56,883 --> 00:11:59,818
Okay, then.
My grand design,
264
00:11:59,820 --> 00:12:02,020
it will change everything.
265
00:12:02,022 --> 00:12:04,089
Uh-huh. We go out
the way we came?
266
00:12:04,091 --> 00:12:05,924
Yeah, it's two rights
and then a left.
267
00:12:05,926 --> 00:12:08,059
But you're really not
in the least bit curious
268
00:12:08,061 --> 00:12:09,661
about what I'm doing?
269
00:12:09,663 --> 00:12:12,363
My grand design?
Not -- not particularly.
270
00:12:12,365 --> 00:12:16,101
Okay. But I have to say,
if you guys had a grand design,
271
00:12:16,103 --> 00:12:17,836
I'd at least listen to it.
272
00:12:17,838 --> 00:12:19,738
Of course, I've always
been curious.
273
00:12:19,740 --> 00:12:22,040
Even as a child, I took apart
my alarm clock
274
00:12:22,042 --> 00:12:24,743
to see how it worked,
but that's me,
275
00:12:24,745 --> 00:12:26,211
and you guys are you.
276
00:12:26,213 --> 00:12:29,414
And, uh, I guess I gotta
respect that.
277
00:12:29,416 --> 00:12:31,549
Well, then it's settled --
Seize them!
278
00:12:31,551 --> 00:12:33,918
(clanks)
279
00:12:36,556 --> 00:12:38,590
¶¶
280
00:12:38,592 --> 00:12:41,292
Now in order to answer
all of your questions
281
00:12:41,294 --> 00:12:42,794
about my grand design,
282
00:12:42,796 --> 00:12:45,630
we're going to take
a journey back in time.
283
00:12:45,632 --> 00:12:48,566
They'll be a little movie,
a brief Q&A session,
284
00:12:48,568 --> 00:12:51,102
and then I'm going to
kill you.
285
00:12:51,104 --> 00:12:53,738
Good luck! I can only be
stopped with a...
286
00:12:53,740 --> 00:12:57,876
Copper pot! What are you,
cooking for cowboys?
287
00:12:57,878 --> 00:12:59,778
Why the hell
do you have this?!
288
00:12:59,780 --> 00:13:01,379
(under breath)
Cue lights.
289
00:13:01,381 --> 00:13:03,214
(normal voice) A long time ago
290
00:13:03,216 --> 00:13:05,817
in the fertile riverlands
of Mesopotamia,
291
00:13:05,819 --> 00:13:08,753
there were an ancient people
called the Sumerians,
292
00:13:08,755 --> 00:13:10,622
and it is from them
that we inherit
293
00:13:10,624 --> 00:13:14,225
the world's oldest
and most well-known story.
294
00:13:14,227 --> 00:13:18,763
Do I even need to say it?
The Epic of Gilgamesh.
295
00:13:18,765 --> 00:13:21,566
Ah! (under breath)
Of course, of course.
296
00:13:21,568 --> 00:13:24,269
As the legend goes,
the hero Gilgamesh,
297
00:13:24,271 --> 00:13:27,438
accompanied by
his trusted friend Enkidu,
298
00:13:27,440 --> 00:13:29,307
traveled to the distant
cedar forest...
299
00:13:29,309 --> 00:13:31,409
(thumping)
...and there confronted
300
00:13:31,411 --> 00:13:35,313
the ageless, terrifying giant
Humbaba.
301
00:13:35,315 --> 00:13:36,748
(roars)
302
00:13:36,750 --> 00:13:39,317
And when Gilgamesh
defeated Humbaba,
303
00:13:39,319 --> 00:13:41,252
cutting off his enormous head,
304
00:13:41,254 --> 00:13:44,889
he was gifted
with the Seven Radiances...
305
00:13:47,127 --> 00:13:51,996
...granting Gilgamesh
immeasurable power.
306
00:13:51,998 --> 00:13:54,532
In some translations,
the "Radiances"
307
00:13:54,534 --> 00:13:57,268
are referred
to as the seven "Auras."
308
00:13:57,270 --> 00:13:58,837
That's the Binderman
translation!
309
00:13:58,839 --> 00:14:02,307
He's a hack!
What scholars have gotten wrong,
310
00:14:02,309 --> 00:14:05,643
including Binderman --
especially Binderman --
311
00:14:05,645 --> 00:14:10,548
is they believe Humbaba to be
a metaphorical giant, a myth.
312
00:14:10,550 --> 00:14:12,050
But the myth is real!
313
00:14:12,052 --> 00:14:15,520
(fanfare plays)
314
00:14:15,522 --> 00:14:19,190
Of course, I'm not the first
to seek the power of Humbaba.
315
00:14:19,192 --> 00:14:21,526
There have been others --
316
00:14:21,528 --> 00:14:22,994
Caesar, Bonaparte,
317
00:14:22,996 --> 00:14:25,196
Goebbels, Temple Grandin.
318
00:14:25,198 --> 00:14:30,001
But they all dug
in the wrong place, and why?
319
00:14:30,003 --> 00:14:33,571
Because they got Pangaea wrong!
320
00:14:33,573 --> 00:14:36,574
My calculations put
the cedar forest
321
00:14:36,576 --> 00:14:39,177
right under the North Pole!
322
00:14:39,179 --> 00:14:42,313
Why else would I base
my operations here?
323
00:14:42,315 --> 00:14:43,715
The weather?!
324
00:14:43,717 --> 00:14:45,550
(chuckles) The weather.
325
00:14:45,552 --> 00:14:49,387
And now with nothing left
to stop me,
326
00:14:49,389 --> 00:14:55,760
I will use Humbaba's eyes
to end Christmas forever!
327
00:14:55,762 --> 00:14:58,863
STEVE: No!
Yes!
328
00:14:58,865 --> 00:15:04,235
And usher in a new age
of unimaginable terrors
329
00:15:04,237 --> 00:15:08,239
that must be seen to believed!
330
00:15:09,776 --> 00:15:12,110
There are supposed
to be visuals here --
331
00:15:12,112 --> 00:15:14,946
a bunch of CGI footage
of me flying around
332
00:15:14,948 --> 00:15:17,715
and zapping buildings
with my fingers.
333
00:15:17,717 --> 00:15:21,019
It worked in rehearsals!
Tony, why didn't --
334
00:15:21,021 --> 00:15:23,288
Tony, could we kill
the music?!
335
00:15:23,290 --> 00:15:25,590
(Dramatic music swells,
cuts out)
336
00:15:25,592 --> 00:15:28,293
Tony, why did the other stuff
work and this didn't?
337
00:15:28,295 --> 00:15:30,428
TONY: They were
on different hard drives.
338
00:15:30,430 --> 00:15:33,765
I wanna know why we did that,
but I also feel like
339
00:15:33,767 --> 00:15:36,868
I'm gonna be really frustrated
by the answer.
340
00:15:36,870 --> 00:15:40,038
¶¶
341
00:15:43,576 --> 00:15:46,277
Oh, my God, you found him.
342
00:15:46,279 --> 00:15:48,546
(axes tapping)
343
00:15:51,918 --> 00:15:55,620
When I place the eyes
in Humbaba's stone face,
344
00:15:55,622 --> 00:16:00,491
I'll receive the full power
of his Seven Radiances.
345
00:16:00,493 --> 00:16:02,660
Or auras.
Silence!
346
00:16:02,662 --> 00:16:06,397
They're heavier than they look.
I dropped one earlier.
347
00:16:07,267 --> 00:16:11,602
Now to become...a god!
348
00:16:11,604 --> 00:16:15,640
¶ Ah, ah, ah ¶
349
00:16:15,642 --> 00:16:18,176
¶ Ah, oh, oh ¶
350
00:16:18,178 --> 00:16:21,312
Santa, no! You can't take
Christmas away forever.
351
00:16:21,314 --> 00:16:25,450
What about peace on Earth
and goodwill towards men?
352
00:16:25,452 --> 00:16:27,752
That's kids stuff.
353
00:16:31,524 --> 00:16:34,359
(whoosh)
354
00:16:34,361 --> 00:16:36,027
¶¶
355
00:16:36,029 --> 00:16:39,197
One radiance, two radiances,
356
00:16:39,199 --> 00:16:42,500
three, four, five,
six, seven!
357
00:16:42,502 --> 00:16:45,269
They're all here!
358
00:16:45,271 --> 00:16:51,876
Now fly into my body, please!
359
00:16:51,878 --> 00:16:55,213
It's a very subtle feeling.
360
00:16:55,215 --> 00:16:57,048
They flew past you.
361
00:16:57,050 --> 00:17:01,052
(voices chanting ominously)
362
00:17:01,054 --> 00:17:04,122
(cracking)
363
00:17:12,365 --> 00:17:14,198
(clank)
Aah!
364
00:17:14,200 --> 00:17:17,535
Whoa,
things are going down.
365
00:17:17,537 --> 00:17:19,704
(clank)
366
00:17:19,706 --> 00:17:21,005
(loud crash)
367
00:17:21,007 --> 00:17:22,807
We have to climb the side!
368
00:17:24,911 --> 00:17:27,912
I'm supposed to be
all-powerful!
369
00:17:27,914 --> 00:17:31,416
Why is all my stuff
going in the mouth?!
370
00:17:31,418 --> 00:17:34,052
What's happening
in there anyways?!
371
00:17:34,054 --> 00:17:36,387
Go look.
372
00:17:36,389 --> 00:17:39,824
Uh, all I see is fire.
373
00:17:46,933 --> 00:17:50,935
Goat legs ain't so great
for climbin', are they, dingus?
374
00:17:50,937 --> 00:17:52,236
(clank)
375
00:17:52,238 --> 00:17:54,505
Whoa!
376
00:17:54,507 --> 00:17:57,442
(laughs)
I knew you'd save me!
377
00:17:57,444 --> 00:18:00,344
We're the two halves
of Christmas,
378
00:18:00,346 --> 00:18:03,548
locked in
this dance forever!
379
00:18:03,550 --> 00:18:06,684
Aah!
380
00:18:06,686 --> 00:18:09,587
I don't dance with men.
381
00:18:09,589 --> 00:18:11,856
(cracking)
382
00:18:11,858 --> 00:18:15,860
(roaring)
383
00:18:15,862 --> 00:18:17,695
I thought it was just the head!
384
00:18:17,697 --> 00:18:19,730
Not in
Binderman's translation!
385
00:18:19,732 --> 00:18:22,100
He theorized that
the throat was cut
386
00:18:22,102 --> 00:18:24,268
but the body was intact!
387
00:18:24,270 --> 00:18:26,237
I've never even
seen you read a magazine.
388
00:18:26,239 --> 00:18:29,207
(roaring)
389
00:18:29,209 --> 00:18:31,075
To the train, everybody!
390
00:18:31,077 --> 00:18:34,278
It's the only way
out of the North Pole!
391
00:18:38,485 --> 00:18:39,784
It won't start!
392
00:18:39,786 --> 00:18:41,786
It's powered
by the love of Christmas.
393
00:18:41,788 --> 00:18:43,454
Won't move an inch
without it.
394
00:18:43,456 --> 00:18:45,590
First, the train
needs Christmas magic,
395
00:18:45,592 --> 00:18:47,091
then it needs Christmas love.
396
00:18:47,093 --> 00:18:49,060
This is some Christmas bullshit
right here.
397
00:18:49,062 --> 00:18:50,661
(engine hisses)
398
00:18:50,663 --> 00:18:54,265
Christmas Hate powers it
in reverse.
399
00:18:54,267 --> 00:18:57,502
(scoffs) Christmas.
So stupid.
400
00:19:00,273 --> 00:19:01,806
We have to go the other way!
401
00:19:01,808 --> 00:19:04,242
Yeah, Steve. Think about
your Christmas love!
402
00:19:04,244 --> 00:19:05,910
What's to love?
403
00:19:05,912 --> 00:19:07,778
The whole holiday was
just a front
404
00:19:07,780 --> 00:19:10,281
for a slave mining operation
because some lunatic
405
00:19:10,283 --> 00:19:12,283
wanted to take over
the world.
406
00:19:12,285 --> 00:19:14,352
(roaring)
407
00:19:14,354 --> 00:19:18,022
Steve, stop! We're heading right
for Humbaba-ba-ba-ba!
408
00:19:18,024 --> 00:19:21,492
Santa was right.
Christmas is kids stuff,
409
00:19:21,494 --> 00:19:24,295
'cause they're the only ones
dumb enough to believe in it.
410
00:19:24,297 --> 00:19:27,298
FRANCINE: We're gonna die!
411
00:19:27,300 --> 00:19:30,368
I...hate...Christmas!
(growls)
412
00:19:30,370 --> 00:19:31,702
(crash)
413
00:19:31,704 --> 00:19:34,972
(roars)
414
00:19:34,974 --> 00:19:38,342
Turn to stone much,
ya giant scrote?
415
00:19:38,344 --> 00:19:41,846
Steve, it's over. You can have
a boner for Christmas again.
416
00:19:41,848 --> 00:19:44,482
No more boners.
I'm a man now.
417
00:19:44,484 --> 00:19:46,851
It's time to let Christmas go.
418
00:19:46,853 --> 00:19:51,155
Honey, I know you want
a normal Christmas, but...
419
00:19:51,157 --> 00:19:52,623
But we can't have that.
420
00:19:52,625 --> 00:19:55,159
We'll never have
a traditional Christmas.
421
00:19:55,161 --> 00:19:57,128
Of course we can, son.
422
00:19:57,130 --> 00:19:59,397
But it'll just have to be
our tradition
423
00:19:59,399 --> 00:20:01,499
of having
a terrible Christmas.
424
00:20:01,501 --> 00:20:04,235
And we were wrong
to try to skip it,
425
00:20:04,237 --> 00:20:07,205
because Christmas isn't
something we skip.
426
00:20:07,207 --> 00:20:10,508
It's something we...endure.
427
00:20:10,510 --> 00:20:12,076
As a family.
428
00:20:16,216 --> 00:20:17,648
(hiss)
429
00:20:18,251 --> 00:20:21,052
We're moving!
Steve, does this mean...
430
00:20:21,054 --> 00:20:25,823
Yep! (singsongy) My boner
for Christmas is back!
431
00:20:25,825 --> 00:20:28,659
Well, I'm gonna stick around,
move into Santa's castle.
432
00:20:28,661 --> 00:20:30,494
You may never be able
to understand this,
433
00:20:30,496 --> 00:20:35,399
but I've grown a little tired
of driving a bus in Baltimore.
434
00:20:37,904 --> 00:20:39,670
Wait, you can fly?
435
00:20:39,672 --> 00:20:42,039
Like a [bleep] angel!
436
00:20:42,041 --> 00:20:44,242
(yells indistinctly)
437
00:20:44,377 --> 00:20:49,580
¶ Silent night ¶
438
00:20:49,582 --> 00:20:54,552
¶ Holy night ¶
439
00:20:54,554 --> 00:20:59,090
¶ All is calm ¶
440
00:20:59,092 --> 00:21:00,591
¶ All -- ¶
441
00:21:02,128 --> 00:21:04,128
Have a great night!
442
00:21:04,130 --> 00:21:07,999
-- Captions by VITAC --