1
00:00:03,437 --> 00:00:05,104
Come on. Come on.
2
00:00:05,106 --> 00:00:07,439
(Ding)
Oh, my God!
3
00:00:07,441 --> 00:00:08,841
(Buzzer)
4
00:00:08,843 --> 00:00:12,211
(Trombone plays
"wah wah wah wah" tune)
5
00:00:12,213 --> 00:00:13,979
Ugh, it's negative again.
6
00:00:13,981 --> 00:00:16,548
Where did you get a pregnancy
test with sound effects?
7
00:00:16,550 --> 00:00:19,818
At Spencer's Gifts. It's also
where I get my condoms.
8
00:00:19,820 --> 00:00:21,487
What, wait, you're --
you're wearing condoms
9
00:00:21,489 --> 00:00:23,122
while we're trying
to get pregnant?
10
00:00:23,124 --> 00:00:26,025
They're joke condoms.
They have a big hole in the end.
11
00:00:26,027 --> 00:00:28,160
I just wear them
for the feel...
12
00:00:28,162 --> 00:00:29,728
and the chuckles.
13
00:00:29,730 --> 00:00:33,232
You doof. I can't wait to have
your big, doofy baby.
14
00:00:33,234 --> 00:00:35,501
(Laughs) I wanna have a babe
with you, too, babe.
15
00:00:35,503 --> 00:00:36,969
(Pounding on door)
16
00:00:36,971 --> 00:00:38,637
Hey!
Are you done in there?
17
00:00:38,639 --> 00:00:40,205
Get out, get out, get out!
18
00:00:40,207 --> 00:00:42,775
I went to Taco King!
I can't do this in my bowl!
19
00:00:45,179 --> 00:00:48,180
¶ Good morning, U.S.A. ¶
20
00:00:48,182 --> 00:00:52,017
¶ I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day ¶
21
00:00:52,019 --> 00:00:55,087
¶ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ¶
22
00:00:55,089 --> 00:00:59,291
¶ And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race ¶
23
00:01:01,328 --> 00:01:04,430
¶ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ¶
24
00:01:04,432 --> 00:01:06,832
¶ Good -- ¶
¶ Good morning, U.S.A. ¶
25
00:01:06,834 --> 00:01:08,267
Aah!
26
00:01:09,703 --> 00:01:12,805
¶ Good morning, U.S.A. ¶
27
00:01:15,342 --> 00:01:19,178
Oh, I'm sorry, honey.
We know how much you want this.
28
00:01:19,180 --> 00:01:21,080
I don't know what's wrong.
I've been eating right,
29
00:01:21,082 --> 00:01:23,215
exercising,
taking all the vitamins.
30
00:01:23,217 --> 00:01:25,050
And I bought a butterfly net
to catch the baby
31
00:01:25,052 --> 00:01:26,785
when he comes shooting out.
32
00:01:26,787 --> 00:01:29,021
We've been trying all kinds
of different positions, too.
33
00:01:29,023 --> 00:01:30,956
The spider pretzel,
the butter churner,
34
00:01:30,958 --> 00:01:32,424
the standing wheelbarrow.
35
00:01:32,426 --> 00:01:34,726
And my favorite,
the breakfast for dinner.
36
00:01:34,728 --> 00:01:36,395
That's where
I fry him an egg,
37
00:01:36,397 --> 00:01:38,931
and then we do it quite
traditionally, from behind.
38
00:01:38,933 --> 00:01:40,299
Well, you must be doing
something wrong.
39
00:01:40,301 --> 00:01:42,734
I got Francine pregnant
on the first try.
40
00:01:42,736 --> 00:01:44,369
Bang, bang,
chicken and shrimp!
41
00:01:44,371 --> 00:01:45,971
What's going on?
I'm bored. I got nothin'.
42
00:01:45,973 --> 00:01:47,806
By the looks of your faces,
you got nothin', too.
43
00:01:47,808 --> 00:01:49,208
God, it's so boring
in this house. I'm bored.
44
00:01:49,210 --> 00:01:50,742
What's going on?
45
00:01:50,744 --> 00:01:53,545
Haley and Jeff are having
trouble getting pregnant.
46
00:01:53,547 --> 00:01:55,814
Oh, good. This isn't boring.
I could drop a bomb on this.
47
00:01:55,816 --> 00:01:57,783
See, Hayley's never going
to get pregnant
48
00:01:57,785 --> 00:02:00,152
because Jeff's an alien.
Boom!
49
00:02:00,154 --> 00:02:01,420
Wait, what?!
50
00:02:01,422 --> 00:02:03,122
Ever since Jeff got back
from space,
51
00:02:03,124 --> 00:02:04,623
he's had an alien body.
52
00:02:04,625 --> 00:02:06,992
Only human part left
is his brain.
53
00:02:06,994 --> 00:02:10,729
Ohh, that explains why my pee
is slightly brighter than usual.
54
00:02:10,731 --> 00:02:12,731
And why I haven't slept
in a year
55
00:02:12,733 --> 00:02:14,466
or even felt the need to.
56
00:02:14,468 --> 00:02:18,403
Yeah, that explains everything.
Did I leave anything out, Stan?
57
00:02:18,405 --> 00:02:20,439
You knew?!
Yes, but I couldn't tell anyone,
58
00:02:20,441 --> 00:02:22,441
because I'm
an amazing secret keeper.
59
00:02:22,443 --> 00:02:24,810
Well, why didn't you tell me?
That is also a secret.
60
00:02:24,812 --> 00:02:26,778
I know we weren't gonna
say anything, Stan,
61
00:02:26,780 --> 00:02:28,113
but I got bored.
62
00:02:28,115 --> 00:02:29,982
Remember at Disney World
how I got bored,
63
00:02:29,984 --> 00:02:31,583
so I tried to drown
that fat lady
64
00:02:31,585 --> 00:02:33,418
on Pirates of the Caribbean?
65
00:02:33,420 --> 00:02:36,088
You guys went to Disney World
without me?
66
00:02:36,090 --> 00:02:37,623
My boy Reggie is Pluto!
67
00:02:37,625 --> 00:02:39,791
He could've got you
pineapple Dole Whips
68
00:02:39,793 --> 00:02:41,927
half-price, fool!
69
00:02:45,766 --> 00:02:47,833
My other boy Dante's got
a sick condo in Daytona Beach.
70
00:02:47,835 --> 00:02:50,135
It's only a 90-minute drive
from Disney World.
71
00:02:50,137 --> 00:02:52,337
And I got a hookup
for Lightning tickets.
72
00:02:52,339 --> 00:02:55,307
Warm weather hockey --
you don't get that up here.
73
00:02:55,309 --> 00:02:57,309
Shut up, Klaus!
74
00:02:57,311 --> 00:02:59,278
I also have a boy
in Jacksonville.
75
00:02:59,280 --> 00:03:01,947
I can't believe this.
I'm married to an alien.
76
00:03:01,949 --> 00:03:04,516
I-I've been having sex
with an alien!
77
00:03:04,518 --> 00:03:06,018
I don't see what the big deal
is, Hayley.
78
00:03:06,020 --> 00:03:07,352
Lots of people sleep
with aliens --
79
00:03:07,354 --> 00:03:09,888
Lois Lane,
Marvin the Martian's wife,
80
00:03:09,890 --> 00:03:12,824
every cable guy who's ever
come to this house.
81
00:03:12,826 --> 00:03:15,294
But I don't feel like an alien.
I feel like me.
82
00:03:15,296 --> 00:03:17,963
That's because you still have
your stupid human brain.
83
00:03:17,965 --> 00:03:20,132
Hey, I love
your stupid human brain,
84
00:03:20,134 --> 00:03:22,634
and I don't even care
that you're an alien.
85
00:03:22,636 --> 00:03:24,136
Liberal.
86
00:03:24,138 --> 00:03:27,072
But... (Sighs) I do wish
we could have a baby.
87
00:03:27,074 --> 00:03:29,741
Well, you could have a baby
if Jeff became human again,
88
00:03:29,743 --> 00:03:31,343
but that's impossible.
89
00:03:31,345 --> 00:03:33,011
Unless...
90
00:03:33,013 --> 00:03:35,914
you gave his brain to a birthing
alien on its heat cycle
91
00:03:35,916 --> 00:03:38,083
so Jeff could be reborn
as a human.
92
00:03:38,085 --> 00:03:40,919
But you'd need to find
a birthing alien here on Earth
93
00:03:40,921 --> 00:03:43,055
other than me,
because I'm not doing it.
94
00:03:43,057 --> 00:03:44,923
Whew! Is it hot in here?
I can't tell.
95
00:03:44,925 --> 00:03:46,925
I'm on my heat cycle.
Anyway, impossible.
96
00:03:46,927 --> 00:03:49,394
Such a bummer.
Gotta go. Bored again.
97
00:03:49,396 --> 00:03:51,697
My boy in Jacksonville's
name is Leroy.
98
00:03:51,699 --> 00:03:53,432
He's a barback
at Buffalo Wild Wings,
99
00:03:53,434 --> 00:03:55,334
and he says
if we go down there,
100
00:03:55,336 --> 00:03:59,938
we might be able to party
with the waitstaff.
101
00:04:02,109 --> 00:04:05,577
And then Marybeth Stephanie
called me a "Hufflepuff"!
102
00:04:05,579 --> 00:04:07,112
Can you believe that?!
103
00:04:07,114 --> 00:04:09,014
I've been called
some terrible things before,
104
00:04:09,016 --> 00:04:10,716
but never a Hufflepuff.
105
00:04:10,718 --> 00:04:13,385
That's stupid!
You're totally a Ravenclaw.
106
00:04:13,387 --> 00:04:16,855
I know! But even though
I was real peeved,
107
00:04:16,857 --> 00:04:21,426
I just said "thank you" because
I didn't want to offend her.
108
00:04:21,428 --> 00:04:23,762
You're a bit of a Hufflepuff.
Yeah, I'm a Hufflepuff.
109
00:04:23,764 --> 00:04:25,464
Are you Snot?
Are you poor?
110
00:04:25,466 --> 00:04:26,965
Uh...
Because we're...
111
00:04:26,967 --> 00:04:29,101
(Singsongy) Trish!
And the Sizzle.
112
00:04:29,103 --> 00:04:31,903
And you're on
"Morning Mimosa's"...
113
00:04:31,905 --> 00:04:33,739
BOTH: "Three Happy Days"!
114
00:04:33,741 --> 00:04:35,240
¶¶
115
00:04:35,242 --> 00:04:37,376
Whoa, awesome!
116
00:04:37,378 --> 00:04:39,077
What? What's happening?
117
00:04:39,079 --> 00:04:41,780
What's happening is you just
hit the jackpot, buddy.
118
00:04:41,782 --> 00:04:43,415
Every year on "Morning Mimosa,"
119
00:04:43,417 --> 00:04:46,785
they surprise a poor kid
with three happy days!
120
00:04:46,787 --> 00:04:48,720
You're poor,
aren't you, Snots?
121
00:04:48,722 --> 00:04:50,622
Look at you!
Of course you are.
122
00:04:50,624 --> 00:04:53,592
Come with us! Your first
happy day starts now!
123
00:04:53,594 --> 00:04:55,427
TRISH AND SUES (Chanting):
Three happy days!
124
00:04:55,429 --> 00:04:57,162
Three happy days!
125
00:04:57,164 --> 00:05:00,065
Being poor is so weird.
126
00:05:00,067 --> 00:05:01,433
Like, when I think of tuna,
127
00:05:01,435 --> 00:05:03,235
I think of tuna
from a fancy sushi place,
128
00:05:03,237 --> 00:05:06,104
and you think of tuna
from a shitty can,
129
00:05:06,106 --> 00:05:08,473
like a cat.
(smack, thud)
130
00:05:08,475 --> 00:05:09,908
(tires screech)
131
00:05:09,910 --> 00:05:12,477
Poor people are a lot
like cats.
132
00:05:14,982 --> 00:05:18,016
Please, Roger, I really wanna
be human again.
133
00:05:18,018 --> 00:05:20,185
And if that doesn't happen,
we'll never have a baby.
134
00:05:20,187 --> 00:05:22,287
What if someone told you
that you couldn't have
135
00:05:22,289 --> 00:05:23,689
what you wanted most
in life?
136
00:05:23,691 --> 00:05:25,023
Jake Gyllenhaal?
137
00:05:25,025 --> 00:05:27,426
If somebody
told me I couldn't have him,
138
00:05:27,428 --> 00:05:29,428
I-I don't even know what I...
139
00:05:29,430 --> 00:05:31,463
Ah! That'd be awful!
140
00:05:31,465 --> 00:05:32,998
I'll be there for you
the whole time,
141
00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:35,200
every step of the way.
Well, I have always wanted
142
00:05:35,202 --> 00:05:37,502
them fat swangin'
pregnancy tits.
143
00:05:37,504 --> 00:05:39,971
You would look great
with those!
144
00:05:39,973 --> 00:05:42,474
I'll do it.
I'll carry your Jeff baby.
145
00:05:42,476 --> 00:05:45,477
Muchas gracias!
Oh, Thank you!
146
00:05:45,479 --> 00:05:48,180
Now, how do we go about
getting Jeff's brain?
147
00:05:48,182 --> 00:05:49,881
Aah!
148
00:05:49,883 --> 00:05:52,818
(gulping)
(screaming)
149
00:05:52,820 --> 00:05:56,154
(gulping continues)
150
00:05:56,156 --> 00:05:57,756
(slurps)
151
00:06:00,828 --> 00:06:04,329
And now there's a 10% chance
that I'm pregnant.
152
00:06:04,331 --> 00:06:06,131
WOMEN (chanting):
Three happy days!
153
00:06:06,133 --> 00:06:08,133
Three happy days!
(applause)
154
00:06:08,135 --> 00:06:10,001
That's right. Every year,
the Sizzle and I
155
00:06:10,003 --> 00:06:13,572
help one poor kid
with the saddest story.
156
00:06:13,574 --> 00:06:15,207
This year, we were faced
157
00:06:15,209 --> 00:06:18,043
with the biggest challenge
we've ever had.
158
00:06:18,045 --> 00:06:20,746
Meet Snot Lonstein --
poor, yet Jewish.
159
00:06:20,748 --> 00:06:23,048
So for Snots'
first happy day,
160
00:06:23,050 --> 00:06:25,584
we gave him
a much-needed makeover.
161
00:06:25,586 --> 00:06:28,820
Meet the brand-new Snots!
162
00:06:28,822 --> 00:06:31,256
¶¶
163
00:06:31,258 --> 00:06:34,326
(women screaming)
164
00:06:35,763 --> 00:06:38,730
Fabulous! Now let's bring out
the person
165
00:06:38,732 --> 00:06:41,333
responsible for you being
here today.
166
00:06:41,335 --> 00:06:45,036
Snot, meet your knight
in shining armor, Steve Smith!
167
00:06:45,038 --> 00:06:46,505
¶¶
168
00:06:46,507 --> 00:06:48,206
You nominated me?
169
00:06:48,208 --> 00:06:50,876
Yeah, I did.
I felt bad for you.
170
00:06:50,878 --> 00:06:53,178
You think it doesn't
break my heart when
we go to the movies
171
00:06:53,180 --> 00:06:56,114
and you bring that old
jawbreaker in that sticky bag?
172
00:06:56,116 --> 00:06:59,785
Snot, don't you wanna
thank Steve for nominating you?
173
00:06:59,787 --> 00:07:01,386
Let's see you...
174
00:07:01,388 --> 00:07:05,557
ALL (chanting):
Kiss his feet! Kiss his feet!
175
00:07:05,559 --> 00:07:08,760
¶¶
176
00:07:08,762 --> 00:07:11,830
(cheers and applause)
177
00:07:12,933 --> 00:07:14,733
(cat yowls)
178
00:07:14,735 --> 00:07:16,435
Where'd you find
this doctor, anyway?
179
00:07:16,437 --> 00:07:18,203
We can't go
to a regular doctor,
180
00:07:18,205 --> 00:07:19,805
so Klaus recommended
this guy.
181
00:07:19,807 --> 00:07:22,240
Hello! I'm Dr. Kalgary.
182
00:07:22,242 --> 00:07:25,644
I see you are lesbians.
Congratulations.
183
00:07:25,646 --> 00:07:27,145
Yep.
184
00:07:27,147 --> 00:07:28,613
I believe you are
hoping for some good news.
185
00:07:28,615 --> 00:07:30,715
Just tell me
I'm pregnant, Doc.
186
00:07:32,119 --> 00:07:33,985
Wait.
I hear a heartbeat.
187
00:07:33,987 --> 00:07:35,720
That is very uncommon
in my office.
188
00:07:35,722 --> 00:07:37,656
I'm pregnant?
Oh, thank God!
189
00:07:37,658 --> 00:07:39,424
Let's take a closer look.
190
00:07:39,426 --> 00:07:40,959
(both gasp)
191
00:07:40,961 --> 00:07:42,727
Thank you, Billy.
192
00:07:44,798 --> 00:07:47,599
And you are having...
193
00:07:47,601 --> 00:07:51,236
an adult man.
(heart beating)
194
00:07:51,238 --> 00:07:53,104
Oh, my God! It's Jeff!
195
00:07:53,106 --> 00:07:55,307
I'm printing you a copy.
196
00:07:55,309 --> 00:07:57,042
Billy!
197
00:08:04,184 --> 00:08:06,184
Aah!
198
00:08:06,186 --> 00:08:07,519
It's okay.
I got it.
199
00:08:07,521 --> 00:08:10,388
No, no.
Let him get it himself.
200
00:08:15,162 --> 00:08:18,263
I'm getting stronger!
201
00:08:22,970 --> 00:08:25,704
(groans)
Everything hurts.
202
00:08:25,706 --> 00:08:27,472
And the cravings --
203
00:08:27,474 --> 00:08:29,975
I want a cigarette
and five shots of Patrón.
204
00:08:29,977 --> 00:08:32,344
Roger, you can't smoke
or drink during your pregnancy.
205
00:08:32,346 --> 00:08:35,146
(groans) Okay,
but can't I just cook
206
00:08:35,148 --> 00:08:36,548
the tiniest bit of meth?
207
00:08:36,550 --> 00:08:37,983
It won't hurt nobody.
208
00:08:37,985 --> 00:08:39,518
Here, have some pickles
instead.
209
00:08:39,520 --> 00:08:42,821
Oh, God, the smell! (gags)
Get that away from me!
210
00:08:42,823 --> 00:08:45,490
But these are
your favorite.
(gags)
211
00:08:45,492 --> 00:08:48,159
(gasps)
(retches)
212
00:08:48,161 --> 00:08:49,561
I think I missed a spot.
213
00:08:49,563 --> 00:08:52,030
(retches)
214
00:08:52,032 --> 00:08:53,498
Ugh. This is disgusting.
215
00:08:53,500 --> 00:08:55,901
I'm disgusting,
and I hate this thing!
216
00:08:55,903 --> 00:08:58,370
You! You did this to me!
217
00:08:58,372 --> 00:09:01,673
(sobbing)
218
00:09:01,675 --> 00:09:03,642
I think if I had
just a tiny bit of meth,
219
00:09:03,644 --> 00:09:06,044
it'd settle my stomach.
No, Roger.
220
00:09:06,046 --> 00:09:09,047
(baby voice)
Just a widdle cwystal?
221
00:09:09,049 --> 00:09:11,149
(lowered voice) With the help
of his best friend, Steve,
222
00:09:11,151 --> 00:09:15,887
we're about to surprise Snots
with his second happy day.
223
00:09:15,889 --> 00:09:17,589
Let's go!
224
00:09:17,591 --> 00:09:19,891
Oh, my! Sizzle? Trish?!
Am I on --
225
00:09:19,893 --> 00:09:22,027
Shut up!
You're not part of this!
226
00:09:22,029 --> 00:09:24,362
Wake up, wake up, wake up!
Huh?
227
00:09:24,364 --> 00:09:26,698
We're sending you
and your best friend Steve
228
00:09:26,700 --> 00:09:28,066
to the water park!
229
00:09:28,068 --> 00:09:29,734
What do ya say, Snots?!
230
00:09:29,736 --> 00:09:33,772
I'll go, but not with Steve.
I'll just take my mom.
231
00:09:33,774 --> 00:09:38,243
Oh, my God! Snots is so poor,
he has to date his mom!
232
00:09:38,245 --> 00:09:39,711
Why aren't you taking me?
233
00:09:39,713 --> 00:09:41,279
I'm the reason you get
to go to the water park
234
00:09:41,281 --> 00:09:44,049
in the first place.
I don't wanna be pitied.
235
00:09:44,051 --> 00:09:47,185
I thought you would know that.
It's so humiliating.
236
00:09:47,187 --> 00:09:48,587
How is this humiliating?
237
00:09:48,589 --> 00:09:50,722
Oh, my God!
238
00:09:50,724 --> 00:09:55,193
Is his pillow just a t-shirt
stuffed with newspapers?
239
00:09:55,195 --> 00:09:57,295
(whispers loudly)
Dennis, get a shot of that.
240
00:10:02,069 --> 00:10:04,135
Roger, I got everything
you asked for --
241
00:10:04,137 --> 00:10:06,438
a turkey sandwich,
that pillow you like,
242
00:10:06,440 --> 00:10:08,239
and binoculars so you can
watch the gardener
243
00:10:08,241 --> 00:10:09,608
work across the street.
244
00:10:09,610 --> 00:10:11,977
Hmm. Ahh. Ahh.
245
00:10:11,979 --> 00:10:13,578
That feels nice.
246
00:10:13,580 --> 00:10:17,148
And this here tastes amaze.
247
00:10:17,150 --> 00:10:19,951
Ooh, I'd let that guy
spread his seed on me.
248
00:10:19,953 --> 00:10:23,288
If he pulled my weed, I'd show
him some "miracle grow."
249
00:10:23,290 --> 00:10:26,825
Is that a Venus flytrap? Because
my next pun depends on it.
250
00:10:26,827 --> 00:10:30,161
It's anus guy flap.
251
00:10:30,163 --> 00:10:34,065
So if you're good, I'm gonna go
see a movie with Klaus.
252
00:10:34,067 --> 00:10:36,434
Oh. Is Klaus carrying
your baby?
253
00:10:36,436 --> 00:10:37,769
Well, no.
254
00:10:37,771 --> 00:10:39,804
Oh, so the movie's
carrying your baby.
255
00:10:39,806 --> 00:10:41,339
You're welcome to come
with us.
256
00:10:41,341 --> 00:10:43,942
Klaus didn't invite me.
Klaus thinks you hate him.
257
00:10:43,944 --> 00:10:45,944
I do hate him.
I'd kill him if I could!
258
00:10:45,946 --> 00:10:47,846
Roger, you're -- you're
very emotional
259
00:10:47,848 --> 00:10:49,247
because you're pregnant.
260
00:10:49,249 --> 00:10:51,483
You said you'd be there
every step of the way!
261
00:10:51,485 --> 00:10:54,586
God, I'm so upset, I can't even
finish this sandwich!
262
00:10:54,588 --> 00:10:56,955
(crunching)
263
00:10:56,957 --> 00:10:59,024
You're starving me
and the baby!
264
00:10:59,026 --> 00:11:01,459
I'm sorry!
I'll do whatever you want!
265
00:11:01,461 --> 00:11:04,462
I want you to want
to be here,
266
00:11:04,464 --> 00:11:06,798
and I want you to make me
exactly the same sandwich
267
00:11:06,800 --> 00:11:10,268
you did before because you
straight up killed it.
268
00:11:10,270 --> 00:11:13,338
(sighs) Is it just me,
or has Roger gone crazy?
269
00:11:13,340 --> 00:11:16,441
Hayley, how how many times
have you been pregnant? None.
270
00:11:16,443 --> 00:11:19,544
How many times have
I been pregnant? Four.
271
00:11:21,982 --> 00:11:25,016
Point is, I know
what Roger's going through.
272
00:11:25,018 --> 00:11:27,519
All he wants is
to feel appreciated.
273
00:11:27,521 --> 00:11:29,187
I'm trying the best I can.
274
00:11:29,189 --> 00:11:33,525
Try harder. He's carrying
your husband, after all.
275
00:11:33,527 --> 00:11:35,026
ROGER: Damn it, Hayley!
I'm starving!
276
00:11:35,028 --> 00:11:36,461
Are you gonna make me
suck the milk
277
00:11:36,463 --> 00:11:38,530
out of my own damn boobs?!
278
00:11:38,532 --> 00:11:42,067
Huh. (slurping)
279
00:11:42,069 --> 00:11:44,569
Bring me some Oreos!
(slurping continues)
280
00:11:44,571 --> 00:11:46,337
Morning, Mimosa-nators.
281
00:11:46,339 --> 00:11:50,208
We're about to surprise Snots
with his third happy day.
282
00:11:50,210 --> 00:11:52,143
Blow the door!
283
00:11:52,145 --> 00:11:54,045
(explosion)
You're back!
284
00:11:54,047 --> 00:11:56,014
Uhh!
(electricity crackles)
285
00:11:56,016 --> 00:11:57,916
¶ Wake up, wake up, wake up ¶
286
00:11:57,918 --> 00:12:01,820
It's time for your third hap--
Where the hell is he?
287
00:12:01,822 --> 00:12:03,922
I'm sorry, Snot.
I screwed up,
288
00:12:03,924 --> 00:12:05,824
but I'm gonna get you
out of this, I promise.
289
00:12:05,826 --> 00:12:07,425
(alarm beeping)
290
00:12:07,427 --> 00:12:09,828
He's here! Aah!
291
00:12:09,830 --> 00:12:12,163
(gun clicking)
Run!
292
00:12:12,165 --> 00:12:13,531
(clicking)
293
00:12:13,533 --> 00:12:15,734
Sues, we're not
trying to kill him.
294
00:12:15,736 --> 00:12:17,669
We're just trying to give him
his third happy day.
295
00:12:17,671 --> 00:12:19,537
Sorry.
(breathing heavily)
296
00:12:19,539 --> 00:12:21,239
I was just flashing back
to Desert Storm.
297
00:12:21,241 --> 00:12:23,875
Okay, but you weren't
in Desert Storm.
298
00:12:23,877 --> 00:12:26,211
You saw part of
Three Kings on HBO.
299
00:12:26,213 --> 00:12:29,914
(whispers) The part I saw
was so powerful.
300
00:12:32,419 --> 00:12:34,452
(groans) It's not time
for my nap yet.
301
00:12:34,454 --> 00:12:36,221
Why are you bringing me
upstairs?
302
00:12:36,223 --> 00:12:39,858
On "Goop," Gwyneth Paltrow says
I should avoid stairs.
303
00:12:39,860 --> 00:12:41,626
"Goop" says I shouldn't
exert myself.
304
00:12:41,628 --> 00:12:44,028
"Goop" says
my ankles are weak.
305
00:12:44,030 --> 00:12:45,630
We should buy an elevator
like "Goop" says.
306
00:12:45,632 --> 00:12:47,532
BOTH: Surprise!
307
00:12:47,534 --> 00:12:50,602
Oh, my God!
A surprise baby shower?!
308
00:12:50,604 --> 00:12:52,137
You've been through
a lot, Roger,
309
00:12:52,139 --> 00:12:54,072
and I wanted to do
something nice for you.
310
00:12:54,074 --> 00:12:57,876
Well, as tough as it's been,
I must say I've been a rock.
311
00:12:57,878 --> 00:12:59,811
Ooh! Presents!
312
00:13:01,081 --> 00:13:03,548
Happy baby shower,
Roger!
313
00:13:04,751 --> 00:13:06,417
A Phish CD?
314
00:13:06,419 --> 00:13:09,621
It's Jeff's favorite band!
That's so sweet, Mom.
315
00:13:09,623 --> 00:13:11,289
Oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no.
316
00:13:11,291 --> 00:13:13,291
The baby is not gonna listen
to this stoner garbage.
317
00:13:13,293 --> 00:13:16,594
He's above that. For him,
it's only classical masters,
318
00:13:16,596 --> 00:13:18,429
like the Indiana Jones
soundtrack.
319
00:13:18,431 --> 00:13:20,098
(imitates Indiana Jones theme,
whip snapping)
320
00:13:20,100 --> 00:13:23,368
Whatever. Dad, why don't you
give Roger your present?
321
00:13:27,240 --> 00:13:29,340
It's Jeff's hat.
I got it out of the closet.
322
00:13:29,342 --> 00:13:30,842
I forgot we were
doing this.
323
00:13:30,844 --> 00:13:32,944
Yuck! The baby won't be
wearing hats,
324
00:13:32,946 --> 00:13:35,079
not when he has access
to my wigs.
325
00:13:35,081 --> 00:13:36,848
Roger, that's Jeff's
favorite hat.
326
00:13:36,850 --> 00:13:38,283
He wears it all the time.
327
00:13:38,285 --> 00:13:39,918
Not anymore, he won't.
328
00:13:39,920 --> 00:13:41,586
Are there more presents?
Tell me there are more presents.
329
00:13:41,588 --> 00:13:43,454
Well, I didn't know if it was
going to be a boy or a girl,
330
00:13:43,456 --> 00:13:44,989
so I got you this.
331
00:13:45,859 --> 00:13:48,927
Oh, yes!
A sparkly sequined onesie!
332
00:13:48,929 --> 00:13:50,795
This is perfect
for the baby!
333
00:13:50,797 --> 00:13:52,864
It's all I've ever wanted
for him,
334
00:13:52,866 --> 00:13:55,366
to be sawed in half
at a magic show.
335
00:13:55,368 --> 00:13:57,001
Thank you, Klaus.
336
00:13:57,003 --> 00:13:59,037
You're the only one
who knows what my baby wants.
337
00:13:59,039 --> 00:14:00,805
Get over yourself,
Roger!
338
00:14:00,807 --> 00:14:03,708
It's not your baby!
It's my Jeff!
339
00:14:03,710 --> 00:14:05,443
Oh, it's your Jeff, is it?
340
00:14:05,445 --> 00:14:08,513
Well, what your Jeff needs
is his mother -- me.
341
00:14:08,515 --> 00:14:10,548
You know what he doesn't need?
You!
342
00:14:10,550 --> 00:14:13,451
And come to think of it,
I don't need you either.
343
00:14:13,453 --> 00:14:15,954
Where the hell are you going?
I'm outta here, bitch.
344
00:14:15,956 --> 00:14:18,189
I'm raising this baby
on my own.
345
00:14:18,191 --> 00:14:21,326
And you know what?
His name's not Jeff anymore.
346
00:14:21,328 --> 00:14:23,528
It's Tristan!
347
00:14:23,530 --> 00:14:25,630
I figured it out!
348
00:14:25,632 --> 00:14:27,398
This diaper has Snickers
in it.
349
00:14:27,400 --> 00:14:28,833
Dad, we weren't playing
that game.
350
00:14:28,835 --> 00:14:30,635
Where'd you find that?
351
00:14:35,342 --> 00:14:37,175
Guys, Roger's out there,
God knows where,
352
00:14:37,177 --> 00:14:39,344
walking around with Jeff
inside him.
353
00:14:39,346 --> 00:14:41,379
(scoffs)
Or should I say Tristan?
354
00:14:41,381 --> 00:14:44,582
Hayley, relax.
Tristan's a great name.
355
00:14:44,584 --> 00:14:47,051
We should've named Steve
Tristan.
356
00:14:47,053 --> 00:14:49,387
Pregnant mothers
just get emotional.
357
00:14:49,389 --> 00:14:52,023
And they stay emotional!
Up top.
358
00:14:52,025 --> 00:14:54,392
Don't look at me, Stan.
I love women.
359
00:14:54,394 --> 00:14:56,394
I respect them too much.
360
00:14:56,396 --> 00:14:57,762
(scoffs)
Please.
361
00:14:57,764 --> 00:14:59,831
Is it too late
to side with you, Stan?
362
00:14:59,833 --> 00:15:01,266
Let's go find Roger.
363
00:15:01,268 --> 00:15:03,368
Who knows what he could be
doing right now?
364
00:15:03,370 --> 00:15:06,704
(tune of "Papa Don't Preach"
playing)
365
00:15:06,706 --> 00:15:11,509
¶ Hayley, I know
you're gonna be upset ¶
366
00:15:11,511 --> 00:15:15,780
¶ 'Cause you need me
to birth human Jeff ¶
367
00:15:15,782 --> 00:15:18,449
¶ But you should know by now ¶
368
00:15:18,451 --> 00:15:21,920
¶ That I'm a bit crazy ¶
369
00:15:23,356 --> 00:15:27,225
¶ You helped to show me
what I want ¶
370
00:15:27,227 --> 00:15:31,863
¶ My goal in life
is to be a mom ¶
371
00:15:31,865 --> 00:15:34,299
¶ We're in this, him and me ¶
372
00:15:34,301 --> 00:15:37,468
¶ And I don't need Hayley ¶
373
00:15:38,204 --> 00:15:40,104
¶ Hayley, don't preach ¶
374
00:15:40,106 --> 00:15:42,106
¶ I'm in trouble deep ¶
375
00:15:42,108 --> 00:15:44,108
¶ Hayley, don't preach ¶
376
00:15:44,110 --> 00:15:46,744
¶ I need booze to sleep ¶
377
00:15:46,746 --> 00:15:48,913
¶ And I made up my mind ¶
378
00:15:48,915 --> 00:15:53,284
¶ I'm keeping my baby ¶
379
00:15:53,286 --> 00:15:55,720
¶ I'm gonna keep my Tristan ¶
380
00:15:55,722 --> 00:15:58,489
¶ Mmm, mmm ¶
381
00:15:58,491 --> 00:16:00,325
(song ends)
382
00:16:00,327 --> 00:16:03,628
Excuse me, ma'am. Will you be
making a purchase with us today?
383
00:16:03,630 --> 00:16:06,731
(laughs)
No, no, I will not.
384
00:16:08,735 --> 00:16:10,335
(engine revving)
385
00:16:13,006 --> 00:16:14,472
(tires screech)
386
00:16:15,642 --> 00:16:17,809
(brakes squeal)
Go around, Mike!
387
00:16:17,811 --> 00:16:19,711
(tires screech)
388
00:16:23,316 --> 00:16:24,782
Aw, crud.
389
00:16:24,784 --> 00:16:28,353
(grunting)
390
00:16:28,355 --> 00:16:29,587
Looking for this?
391
00:16:29,589 --> 00:16:31,322
Oh, no!
How did you find me?
392
00:16:31,324 --> 00:16:33,925
This is where I ran off to
when I was pregnant.
393
00:16:33,927 --> 00:16:36,627
It's the...
"Go-to motel
for scared pregnant women."
394
00:16:36,629 --> 00:16:38,162
I read your Yelp review.
395
00:16:38,164 --> 00:16:39,831
Why'd you run away?
396
00:16:39,833 --> 00:16:43,301
To think about the most
important decision of my life --
397
00:16:43,303 --> 00:16:45,670
whether or not I was
going to keep you.
398
00:16:45,672 --> 00:16:47,872
Oh, hey!
Is that the coin I flipped?
399
00:16:47,874 --> 00:16:49,507
Roger, I'm sorry.
400
00:16:49,509 --> 00:16:52,543
This whole time, I was
so focused on getting Jeff back,
401
00:16:52,545 --> 00:16:54,946
I forgot how much
this was affecting you.
402
00:16:54,948 --> 00:16:57,548
So...I got you this.
403
00:16:59,119 --> 00:17:01,786
(gasps)
Now you can match Jeff --
404
00:17:01,788 --> 00:17:04,389
or Tristan,
whatever you wanna call him.
405
00:17:04,391 --> 00:17:06,691
We are in this together.
406
00:17:06,693 --> 00:17:08,459
Let's call him Jeff!
407
00:17:08,461 --> 00:17:11,729
I'm starting to think
"Tristan" is a gay lion's name.
408
00:17:11,731 --> 00:17:13,164
Ready to come home?
409
00:17:13,166 --> 00:17:16,000
Okay, just let me grab my --
Aah!
410
00:17:16,002 --> 00:17:17,902
Aah! Roger!
Your eyes are bleeding!
411
00:17:17,904 --> 00:17:19,337
The baby!
412
00:17:19,339 --> 00:17:20,738
What? What's wrong
with the baby?!
413
00:17:20,740 --> 00:17:23,241
Bleeding eyes
means the baby's coming!
414
00:17:23,243 --> 00:17:25,076
I thought you read
the book I got you!
415
00:17:25,078 --> 00:17:28,179
I did! But it was just
David Blaine's life story.
416
00:17:28,181 --> 00:17:30,548
Oh, yeah, well, I was right
to give you that book.
417
00:17:30,550 --> 00:17:32,016
It's awesome. Pretty cool.
418
00:17:32,018 --> 00:17:34,085
He was bullied as a kid
and then made himself
419
00:17:34,087 --> 00:17:36,821
into one of the most popular
magicians in the world.
420
00:17:36,823 --> 00:17:39,357
Speaking of magicians,
did you know Criss Angel
421
00:17:39,359 --> 00:17:41,926
lives on the top floor
of the Luxor?
422
00:17:41,928 --> 00:17:43,828
Do you think he has
a book?
I-I don't know.
423
00:17:43,830 --> 00:17:47,265
Shut up, you babbling bitch!
I'm having a baby here!
424
00:17:47,267 --> 00:17:50,334
(tires screeching,
Roger screaming)
425
00:17:50,336 --> 00:17:54,072
¶¶
426
00:17:54,074 --> 00:17:55,373
(Tires screech)
427
00:17:55,375 --> 00:17:57,275
¶¶
428
00:17:57,277 --> 00:17:59,177
(tires screeching)
429
00:17:59,179 --> 00:18:02,180
¶¶
430
00:18:09,756 --> 00:18:12,356
(screaming)
431
00:18:12,358 --> 00:18:13,691
(brays)
432
00:18:13,693 --> 00:18:16,761
¶¶
433
00:18:19,265 --> 00:18:21,532
(tires screeching)
434
00:18:21,534 --> 00:18:24,902
No one escapes
the third happy day!
435
00:18:24,904 --> 00:18:27,271
(both screaming)
436
00:18:27,273 --> 00:18:29,907
(screaming)
437
00:18:29,909 --> 00:18:32,276
Childbirth really hurts!
438
00:18:32,278 --> 00:18:35,146
I have so much respect
for Michelle Duggar now,
439
00:18:35,148 --> 00:18:37,915
which is saying something,
because I already considered her
440
00:18:37,917 --> 00:18:40,785
one of the most accomplished
women of her generation.
441
00:18:40,787 --> 00:18:42,753
Aah!
442
00:18:42,755 --> 00:18:44,555
Stay strong, Roger.
Keep pushing.
443
00:18:44,557 --> 00:18:47,492
This is punishment for all
the bad things I've done,
444
00:18:47,494 --> 00:18:49,560
like the time I took
those blind people
445
00:18:49,562 --> 00:18:51,429
to that noisy warehouse
and told them
446
00:18:51,431 --> 00:18:53,064
they were
at the World Series.
447
00:18:53,066 --> 00:18:56,634
I sold them $12 beers
I bought for $8,
448
00:18:56,636 --> 00:18:59,137
and when they were super drunk,
I made their team lose
449
00:18:59,139 --> 00:19:00,638
in the bottom of the 9th
450
00:19:00,640 --> 00:19:02,907
and broke their dumb,
blind hearts.
451
00:19:02,909 --> 00:19:04,175
Keep pushing!
452
00:19:04,177 --> 00:19:05,910
(screaming)
453
00:19:05,912 --> 00:19:07,345
(pop)
He's here!
454
00:19:07,347 --> 00:19:09,580
(baby crying)
455
00:19:09,582 --> 00:19:12,750
Congratulations!
It's a strange thing.
456
00:19:12,752 --> 00:19:15,153
Why's he so small? I thought
he was coming out full grown.
457
00:19:15,155 --> 00:19:16,587
What's wrong?
458
00:19:16,589 --> 00:19:18,356
Oh, it's like one
of those sponge dinosaurs.
459
00:19:18,358 --> 00:19:20,324
He'll get bigger
once we add water.
460
00:19:20,326 --> 00:19:22,927
Can I...Can I see him?
461
00:19:22,929 --> 00:19:26,631
(purring)
Hey, buddy.
462
00:19:26,633 --> 00:19:27,932
Roger!
463
00:19:29,169 --> 00:19:32,203
My mouth is super juicy
for this very purpose.
464
00:19:32,205 --> 00:19:33,871
Babe.
Jeff, it's you!
465
00:19:33,873 --> 00:19:35,473
Aw, give him here.
466
00:19:35,475 --> 00:19:39,177
I need to do skin-to-skin
contact right away.
467
00:19:39,179 --> 00:19:42,446
He's not latching.
I disown this child.
468
00:19:48,021 --> 00:19:50,788
I'm sorry these three happy days
have been so terrible.
469
00:19:50,790 --> 00:19:53,324
Actually, today's been
pretty good.
470
00:19:53,326 --> 00:19:55,793
What? You twisted
your ankle,
471
00:19:55,795 --> 00:19:57,495
we almost died
in a freezing river,
472
00:19:57,497 --> 00:19:59,030
and now we're hiding
in a storm drain
473
00:19:59,032 --> 00:20:00,731
that smells like
a dead body.
474
00:20:00,733 --> 00:20:04,368
Yeah, but I wasn't poor,
and you weren't middle class.
475
00:20:04,370 --> 00:20:08,639
We were just two best friends,
running for our lives.
476
00:20:08,641 --> 00:20:10,841
Come here.
477
00:20:10,843 --> 00:20:12,343
Whoa.
478
00:20:12,345 --> 00:20:15,746
I feel it, too.
This is a hell of a moment.
479
00:20:15,748 --> 00:20:19,750
No, it's just -- I know why it
smells like a dead body in here.
480
00:20:19,752 --> 00:20:21,085
I'm not dead.
481
00:20:21,087 --> 00:20:23,054
Just because
I don't conform
482
00:20:23,056 --> 00:20:26,524
to your conventional standard
of beauty doesn't mean I'm dead.
483
00:20:26,526 --> 00:20:30,761
You know all those magazine
covers are Photoshopped, right?
484
00:20:30,763 --> 00:20:32,396
BOTH: Aah!
485
00:20:32,398 --> 00:20:37,501
Scared of what
a real woman looks like?!
486
00:20:40,039 --> 00:20:41,872
So, after everything
with Roger,
487
00:20:41,874 --> 00:20:44,842
I realized, there's so much more
to having kids
488
00:20:44,844 --> 00:20:46,344
than I ever thought,
489
00:20:46,346 --> 00:20:48,246
and I don't know if
they're ready for that.
490
00:20:48,248 --> 00:20:50,081
Well, having just been born,
491
00:20:50,083 --> 00:20:52,883
I feel I'm a little young
to have a baby.
492
00:20:52,885 --> 00:20:54,418
Guys, I finally added up
the bill
493
00:20:54,420 --> 00:20:55,786
for being your surrogate.
494
00:20:55,788 --> 00:20:58,456
Food, parts, labor,
loss of other income,
495
00:20:58,458 --> 00:21:02,126
all totaled --
you owe me a ride to the mall.
496
00:21:02,128 --> 00:21:04,362
Bye-bye, see you soon.
497
00:21:04,364 --> 00:21:07,999
-- Captions by VITAC --