1 00:00:03,437 --> 00:00:05,104 Come on. Come on. 2 00:00:05,106 --> 00:00:07,439 (Ding) Oh, my God! 3 00:00:07,441 --> 00:00:08,841 (Buzzer) 4 00:00:08,843 --> 00:00:12,211 (Trombone plays "wah wah wah wah" tune) 5 00:00:12,213 --> 00:00:13,979 Ugh, it's negative again. 6 00:00:13,981 --> 00:00:16,548 Where did you get a pregnancy test with sound effects? 7 00:00:16,550 --> 00:00:19,818 At Spencer's Gifts. It's also where I get my condoms. 8 00:00:19,820 --> 00:00:21,487 What, wait, you're -- you're wearing condoms 9 00:00:21,489 --> 00:00:23,122 while we're trying to get pregnant? 10 00:00:23,124 --> 00:00:26,025 They're joke condoms. They have a big hole in the end. 11 00:00:26,027 --> 00:00:28,160 I just wear them for the feel... 12 00:00:28,162 --> 00:00:29,728 and the chuckles. 13 00:00:29,730 --> 00:00:33,232 You doof. I can't wait to have your big, doofy baby. 14 00:00:33,234 --> 00:00:35,501 (Laughs) I wanna have a babe with you, too, babe. 15 00:00:35,503 --> 00:00:36,969 (Pounding on door) 16 00:00:36,971 --> 00:00:38,637 Hey! Are you done in there? 17 00:00:38,639 --> 00:00:40,205 Get out, get out, get out! 18 00:00:40,207 --> 00:00:42,775 I went to Taco King! I can't do this in my bowl! 19 00:00:45,179 --> 00:00:48,180 ¶ Good morning, U.S.A. ¶ 20 00:00:48,182 --> 00:00:52,017 ¶ I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day ¶ 21 00:00:52,019 --> 00:00:55,087 ¶ The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ¶ 22 00:00:55,089 --> 00:00:59,291 ¶ And he's shinin' a salute to the American race ¶ 23 00:01:01,328 --> 00:01:04,430 ¶ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ¶ 24 00:01:04,432 --> 00:01:06,832 ¶ Good -- ¶ ¶ Good morning, U.S.A. ¶ 25 00:01:06,834 --> 00:01:08,267 Aah! 26 00:01:09,703 --> 00:01:12,805 ¶ Good morning, U.S.A. ¶ 27 00:01:15,342 --> 00:01:19,178 Oh, I'm sorry, honey. We know how much you want this. 28 00:01:19,180 --> 00:01:21,080 I don't know what's wrong. I've been eating right, 29 00:01:21,082 --> 00:01:23,215 exercising, taking all the vitamins. 30 00:01:23,217 --> 00:01:25,050 And I bought a butterfly net to catch the baby 31 00:01:25,052 --> 00:01:26,785 when he comes shooting out. 32 00:01:26,787 --> 00:01:29,021 We've been trying all kinds of different positions, too. 33 00:01:29,023 --> 00:01:30,956 The spider pretzel, the butter churner, 34 00:01:30,958 --> 00:01:32,424 the standing wheelbarrow. 35 00:01:32,426 --> 00:01:34,726 And my favorite, the breakfast for dinner. 36 00:01:34,728 --> 00:01:36,395 That's where I fry him an egg, 37 00:01:36,397 --> 00:01:38,931 and then we do it quite traditionally, from behind. 38 00:01:38,933 --> 00:01:40,299 Well, you must be doing something wrong. 39 00:01:40,301 --> 00:01:42,734 I got Francine pregnant on the first try. 40 00:01:42,736 --> 00:01:44,369 Bang, bang, chicken and shrimp! 41 00:01:44,371 --> 00:01:45,971 What's going on? I'm bored. I got nothin'. 42 00:01:45,973 --> 00:01:47,806 By the looks of your faces, you got nothin', too. 43 00:01:47,808 --> 00:01:49,208 God, it's so boring in this house. I'm bored. 44 00:01:49,210 --> 00:01:50,742 What's going on? 45 00:01:50,744 --> 00:01:53,545 Haley and Jeff are having trouble getting pregnant. 46 00:01:53,547 --> 00:01:55,814 Oh, good. This isn't boring. I could drop a bomb on this. 47 00:01:55,816 --> 00:01:57,783 See, Hayley's never going to get pregnant 48 00:01:57,785 --> 00:02:00,152 because Jeff's an alien. Boom! 49 00:02:00,154 --> 00:02:01,420 Wait, what?! 50 00:02:01,422 --> 00:02:03,122 Ever since Jeff got back from space, 51 00:02:03,124 --> 00:02:04,623 he's had an alien body. 52 00:02:04,625 --> 00:02:06,992 Only human part left is his brain. 53 00:02:06,994 --> 00:02:10,729 Ohh, that explains why my pee is slightly brighter than usual. 54 00:02:10,731 --> 00:02:12,731 And why I haven't slept in a year 55 00:02:12,733 --> 00:02:14,466 or even felt the need to. 56 00:02:14,468 --> 00:02:18,403 Yeah, that explains everything. Did I leave anything out, Stan? 57 00:02:18,405 --> 00:02:20,439 You knew?! Yes, but I couldn't tell anyone, 58 00:02:20,441 --> 00:02:22,441 because I'm an amazing secret keeper. 59 00:02:22,443 --> 00:02:24,810 Well, why didn't you tell me? That is also a secret. 60 00:02:24,812 --> 00:02:26,778 I know we weren't gonna say anything, Stan, 61 00:02:26,780 --> 00:02:28,113 but I got bored. 62 00:02:28,115 --> 00:02:29,982 Remember at Disney World how I got bored, 63 00:02:29,984 --> 00:02:31,583 so I tried to drown that fat lady 64 00:02:31,585 --> 00:02:33,418 on Pirates of the Caribbean? 65 00:02:33,420 --> 00:02:36,088 You guys went to Disney World without me? 66 00:02:36,090 --> 00:02:37,623 My boy Reggie is Pluto! 67 00:02:37,625 --> 00:02:39,791 He could've got you pineapple Dole Whips 68 00:02:39,793 --> 00:02:41,927 half-price, fool! 69 00:02:45,766 --> 00:02:47,833 My other boy Dante's got a sick condo in Daytona Beach. 70 00:02:47,835 --> 00:02:50,135 It's only a 90-minute drive from Disney World. 71 00:02:50,137 --> 00:02:52,337 And I got a hookup for Lightning tickets. 72 00:02:52,339 --> 00:02:55,307 Warm weather hockey -- you don't get that up here. 73 00:02:55,309 --> 00:02:57,309 Shut up, Klaus! 74 00:02:57,311 --> 00:02:59,278 I also have a boy in Jacksonville. 75 00:02:59,280 --> 00:03:01,947 I can't believe this. I'm married to an alien. 76 00:03:01,949 --> 00:03:04,516 I-I've been having sex with an alien! 77 00:03:04,518 --> 00:03:06,018 I don't see what the big deal is, Hayley. 78 00:03:06,020 --> 00:03:07,352 Lots of people sleep with aliens -- 79 00:03:07,354 --> 00:03:09,888 Lois Lane, Marvin the Martian's wife, 80 00:03:09,890 --> 00:03:12,824 every cable guy who's ever come to this house. 81 00:03:12,826 --> 00:03:15,294 But I don't feel like an alien. I feel like me. 82 00:03:15,296 --> 00:03:17,963 That's because you still have your stupid human brain. 83 00:03:17,965 --> 00:03:20,132 Hey, I love your stupid human brain, 84 00:03:20,134 --> 00:03:22,634 and I don't even care that you're an alien. 85 00:03:22,636 --> 00:03:24,136 Liberal. 86 00:03:24,138 --> 00:03:27,072 But... (Sighs) I do wish we could have a baby. 87 00:03:27,074 --> 00:03:29,741 Well, you could have a baby if Jeff became human again, 88 00:03:29,743 --> 00:03:31,343 but that's impossible. 89 00:03:31,345 --> 00:03:33,011 Unless... 90 00:03:33,013 --> 00:03:35,914 you gave his brain to a birthing alien on its heat cycle 91 00:03:35,916 --> 00:03:38,083 so Jeff could be reborn as a human. 92 00:03:38,085 --> 00:03:40,919 But you'd need to find a birthing alien here on Earth 93 00:03:40,921 --> 00:03:43,055 other than me, because I'm not doing it. 94 00:03:43,057 --> 00:03:44,923 Whew! Is it hot in here? I can't tell. 95 00:03:44,925 --> 00:03:46,925 I'm on my heat cycle. Anyway, impossible. 96 00:03:46,927 --> 00:03:49,394 Such a bummer. Gotta go. Bored again. 97 00:03:49,396 --> 00:03:51,697 My boy in Jacksonville's name is Leroy. 98 00:03:51,699 --> 00:03:53,432 He's a barback at Buffalo Wild Wings, 99 00:03:53,434 --> 00:03:55,334 and he says if we go down there, 100 00:03:55,336 --> 00:03:59,938 we might be able to party with the waitstaff. 101 00:04:02,109 --> 00:04:05,577 And then Marybeth Stephanie called me a "Hufflepuff"! 102 00:04:05,579 --> 00:04:07,112 Can you believe that?! 103 00:04:07,114 --> 00:04:09,014 I've been called some terrible things before, 104 00:04:09,016 --> 00:04:10,716 but never a Hufflepuff. 105 00:04:10,718 --> 00:04:13,385 That's stupid! You're totally a Ravenclaw. 106 00:04:13,387 --> 00:04:16,855 I know! But even though I was real peeved, 107 00:04:16,857 --> 00:04:21,426 I just said "thank you" because I didn't want to offend her. 108 00:04:21,428 --> 00:04:23,762 You're a bit of a Hufflepuff. Yeah, I'm a Hufflepuff. 109 00:04:23,764 --> 00:04:25,464 Are you Snot? Are you poor? 110 00:04:25,466 --> 00:04:26,965 Uh... Because we're... 111 00:04:26,967 --> 00:04:29,101 (Singsongy) Trish! And the Sizzle. 112 00:04:29,103 --> 00:04:31,903 And you're on "Morning Mimosa's"... 113 00:04:31,905 --> 00:04:33,739 BOTH: "Three Happy Days"! 114 00:04:33,741 --> 00:04:35,240 ¶¶ 115 00:04:35,242 --> 00:04:37,376 Whoa, awesome! 116 00:04:37,378 --> 00:04:39,077 What? What's happening? 117 00:04:39,079 --> 00:04:41,780 What's happening is you just hit the jackpot, buddy. 118 00:04:41,782 --> 00:04:43,415 Every year on "Morning Mimosa," 119 00:04:43,417 --> 00:04:46,785 they surprise a poor kid with three happy days! 120 00:04:46,787 --> 00:04:48,720 You're poor, aren't you, Snots? 121 00:04:48,722 --> 00:04:50,622 Look at you! Of course you are. 122 00:04:50,624 --> 00:04:53,592 Come with us! Your first happy day starts now! 123 00:04:53,594 --> 00:04:55,427 TRISH AND SUES (Chanting): Three happy days! 124 00:04:55,429 --> 00:04:57,162 Three happy days! 125 00:04:57,164 --> 00:05:00,065 Being poor is so weird. 126 00:05:00,067 --> 00:05:01,433 Like, when I think of tuna, 127 00:05:01,435 --> 00:05:03,235 I think of tuna from a fancy sushi place, 128 00:05:03,237 --> 00:05:06,104 and you think of tuna from a shitty can, 129 00:05:06,106 --> 00:05:08,473 like a cat. (smack, thud) 130 00:05:08,475 --> 00:05:09,908 (tires screech) 131 00:05:09,910 --> 00:05:12,477 Poor people are a lot like cats. 132 00:05:14,982 --> 00:05:18,016 Please, Roger, I really wanna be human again. 133 00:05:18,018 --> 00:05:20,185 And if that doesn't happen, we'll never have a baby. 134 00:05:20,187 --> 00:05:22,287 What if someone told you that you couldn't have 135 00:05:22,289 --> 00:05:23,689 what you wanted most in life? 136 00:05:23,691 --> 00:05:25,023 Jake Gyllenhaal? 137 00:05:25,025 --> 00:05:27,426 If somebody told me I couldn't have him, 138 00:05:27,428 --> 00:05:29,428 I-I don't even know what I... 139 00:05:29,430 --> 00:05:31,463 Ah! That'd be awful! 140 00:05:31,465 --> 00:05:32,998 I'll be there for you the whole time, 141 00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:35,200 every step of the way. Well, I have always wanted 142 00:05:35,202 --> 00:05:37,502 them fat swangin' pregnancy tits. 143 00:05:37,504 --> 00:05:39,971 You would look great with those! 144 00:05:39,973 --> 00:05:42,474 I'll do it. I'll carry your Jeff baby. 145 00:05:42,476 --> 00:05:45,477 Muchas gracias! Oh, Thank you! 146 00:05:45,479 --> 00:05:48,180 Now, how do we go about getting Jeff's brain? 147 00:05:48,182 --> 00:05:49,881 Aah! 148 00:05:49,883 --> 00:05:52,818 (gulping) (screaming) 149 00:05:52,820 --> 00:05:56,154 (gulping continues) 150 00:05:56,156 --> 00:05:57,756 (slurps) 151 00:06:00,828 --> 00:06:04,329 And now there's a 10% chance that I'm pregnant. 152 00:06:04,331 --> 00:06:06,131 WOMEN (chanting): Three happy days! 153 00:06:06,133 --> 00:06:08,133 Three happy days! (applause) 154 00:06:08,135 --> 00:06:10,001 That's right. Every year, the Sizzle and I 155 00:06:10,003 --> 00:06:13,572 help one poor kid with the saddest story. 156 00:06:13,574 --> 00:06:15,207 This year, we were faced 157 00:06:15,209 --> 00:06:18,043 with the biggest challenge we've ever had. 158 00:06:18,045 --> 00:06:20,746 Meet Snot Lonstein -- poor, yet Jewish. 159 00:06:20,748 --> 00:06:23,048 So for Snots' first happy day, 160 00:06:23,050 --> 00:06:25,584 we gave him a much-needed makeover. 161 00:06:25,586 --> 00:06:28,820 Meet the brand-new Snots! 162 00:06:28,822 --> 00:06:31,256 ¶¶ 163 00:06:31,258 --> 00:06:34,326 (women screaming) 164 00:06:35,763 --> 00:06:38,730 Fabulous! Now let's bring out the person 165 00:06:38,732 --> 00:06:41,333 responsible for you being here today. 166 00:06:41,335 --> 00:06:45,036 Snot, meet your knight in shining armor, Steve Smith! 167 00:06:45,038 --> 00:06:46,505 ¶¶ 168 00:06:46,507 --> 00:06:48,206 You nominated me? 169 00:06:48,208 --> 00:06:50,876 Yeah, I did. I felt bad for you. 170 00:06:50,878 --> 00:06:53,178 You think it doesn't break my heart when we go to the movies 171 00:06:53,180 --> 00:06:56,114 and you bring that old jawbreaker in that sticky bag? 172 00:06:56,116 --> 00:06:59,785 Snot, don't you wanna thank Steve for nominating you? 173 00:06:59,787 --> 00:07:01,386 Let's see you... 174 00:07:01,388 --> 00:07:05,557 ALL (chanting): Kiss his feet! Kiss his feet! 175 00:07:05,559 --> 00:07:08,760 ¶¶ 176 00:07:08,762 --> 00:07:11,830 (cheers and applause) 177 00:07:12,933 --> 00:07:14,733 (cat yowls) 178 00:07:14,735 --> 00:07:16,435 Where'd you find this doctor, anyway? 179 00:07:16,437 --> 00:07:18,203 We can't go to a regular doctor, 180 00:07:18,205 --> 00:07:19,805 so Klaus recommended this guy. 181 00:07:19,807 --> 00:07:22,240 Hello! I'm Dr. Kalgary. 182 00:07:22,242 --> 00:07:25,644 I see you are lesbians. Congratulations. 183 00:07:25,646 --> 00:07:27,145 Yep. 184 00:07:27,147 --> 00:07:28,613 I believe you are hoping for some good news. 185 00:07:28,615 --> 00:07:30,715 Just tell me I'm pregnant, Doc. 186 00:07:32,119 --> 00:07:33,985 Wait. I hear a heartbeat. 187 00:07:33,987 --> 00:07:35,720 That is very uncommon in my office. 188 00:07:35,722 --> 00:07:37,656 I'm pregnant? Oh, thank God! 189 00:07:37,658 --> 00:07:39,424 Let's take a closer look. 190 00:07:39,426 --> 00:07:40,959 (both gasp) 191 00:07:40,961 --> 00:07:42,727 Thank you, Billy. 192 00:07:44,798 --> 00:07:47,599 And you are having... 193 00:07:47,601 --> 00:07:51,236 an adult man. (heart beating) 194 00:07:51,238 --> 00:07:53,104 Oh, my God! It's Jeff! 195 00:07:53,106 --> 00:07:55,307 I'm printing you a copy. 196 00:07:55,309 --> 00:07:57,042 Billy! 197 00:08:04,184 --> 00:08:06,184 Aah! 198 00:08:06,186 --> 00:08:07,519 It's okay. I got it. 199 00:08:07,521 --> 00:08:10,388 No, no. Let him get it himself. 200 00:08:15,162 --> 00:08:18,263 I'm getting stronger! 201 00:08:22,970 --> 00:08:25,704 (groans) Everything hurts. 202 00:08:25,706 --> 00:08:27,472 And the cravings -- 203 00:08:27,474 --> 00:08:29,975 I want a cigarette and five shots of Patrón. 204 00:08:29,977 --> 00:08:32,344 Roger, you can't smoke or drink during your pregnancy. 205 00:08:32,346 --> 00:08:35,146 (groans) Okay, but can't I just cook 206 00:08:35,148 --> 00:08:36,548 the tiniest bit of meth? 207 00:08:36,550 --> 00:08:37,983 It won't hurt nobody. 208 00:08:37,985 --> 00:08:39,518 Here, have some pickles instead. 209 00:08:39,520 --> 00:08:42,821 Oh, God, the smell! (gags) Get that away from me! 210 00:08:42,823 --> 00:08:45,490 But these are your favorite. (gags) 211 00:08:45,492 --> 00:08:48,159 (gasps) (retches) 212 00:08:48,161 --> 00:08:49,561 I think I missed a spot. 213 00:08:49,563 --> 00:08:52,030 (retches) 214 00:08:52,032 --> 00:08:53,498 Ugh. This is disgusting. 215 00:08:53,500 --> 00:08:55,901 I'm disgusting, and I hate this thing! 216 00:08:55,903 --> 00:08:58,370 You! You did this to me! 217 00:08:58,372 --> 00:09:01,673 (sobbing) 218 00:09:01,675 --> 00:09:03,642 I think if I had just a tiny bit of meth, 219 00:09:03,644 --> 00:09:06,044 it'd settle my stomach. No, Roger. 220 00:09:06,046 --> 00:09:09,047 (baby voice) Just a widdle cwystal? 221 00:09:09,049 --> 00:09:11,149 (lowered voice) With the help of his best friend, Steve, 222 00:09:11,151 --> 00:09:15,887 we're about to surprise Snots with his second happy day. 223 00:09:15,889 --> 00:09:17,589 Let's go! 224 00:09:17,591 --> 00:09:19,891 Oh, my! Sizzle? Trish?! Am I on -- 225 00:09:19,893 --> 00:09:22,027 Shut up! You're not part of this! 226 00:09:22,029 --> 00:09:24,362 Wake up, wake up, wake up! Huh? 227 00:09:24,364 --> 00:09:26,698 We're sending you and your best friend Steve 228 00:09:26,700 --> 00:09:28,066 to the water park! 229 00:09:28,068 --> 00:09:29,734 What do ya say, Snots?! 230 00:09:29,736 --> 00:09:33,772 I'll go, but not with Steve. I'll just take my mom. 231 00:09:33,774 --> 00:09:38,243 Oh, my God! Snots is so poor, he has to date his mom! 232 00:09:38,245 --> 00:09:39,711 Why aren't you taking me? 233 00:09:39,713 --> 00:09:41,279 I'm the reason you get to go to the water park 234 00:09:41,281 --> 00:09:44,049 in the first place. I don't wanna be pitied. 235 00:09:44,051 --> 00:09:47,185 I thought you would know that. It's so humiliating. 236 00:09:47,187 --> 00:09:48,587 How is this humiliating? 237 00:09:48,589 --> 00:09:50,722 Oh, my God! 238 00:09:50,724 --> 00:09:55,193 Is his pillow just a t-shirt stuffed with newspapers? 239 00:09:55,195 --> 00:09:57,295 (whispers loudly) Dennis, get a shot of that. 240 00:10:02,069 --> 00:10:04,135 Roger, I got everything you asked for -- 241 00:10:04,137 --> 00:10:06,438 a turkey sandwich, that pillow you like, 242 00:10:06,440 --> 00:10:08,239 and binoculars so you can watch the gardener 243 00:10:08,241 --> 00:10:09,608 work across the street. 244 00:10:09,610 --> 00:10:11,977 Hmm. Ahh. Ahh. 245 00:10:11,979 --> 00:10:13,578 That feels nice. 246 00:10:13,580 --> 00:10:17,148 And this here tastes amaze. 247 00:10:17,150 --> 00:10:19,951 Ooh, I'd let that guy spread his seed on me. 248 00:10:19,953 --> 00:10:23,288 If he pulled my weed, I'd show him some "miracle grow." 249 00:10:23,290 --> 00:10:26,825 Is that a Venus flytrap? Because my next pun depends on it. 250 00:10:26,827 --> 00:10:30,161 It's anus guy flap. 251 00:10:30,163 --> 00:10:34,065 So if you're good, I'm gonna go see a movie with Klaus. 252 00:10:34,067 --> 00:10:36,434 Oh. Is Klaus carrying your baby? 253 00:10:36,436 --> 00:10:37,769 Well, no. 254 00:10:37,771 --> 00:10:39,804 Oh, so the movie's carrying your baby. 255 00:10:39,806 --> 00:10:41,339 You're welcome to come with us. 256 00:10:41,341 --> 00:10:43,942 Klaus didn't invite me. Klaus thinks you hate him. 257 00:10:43,944 --> 00:10:45,944 I do hate him. I'd kill him if I could! 258 00:10:45,946 --> 00:10:47,846 Roger, you're -- you're very emotional 259 00:10:47,848 --> 00:10:49,247 because you're pregnant. 260 00:10:49,249 --> 00:10:51,483 You said you'd be there every step of the way! 261 00:10:51,485 --> 00:10:54,586 God, I'm so upset, I can't even finish this sandwich! 262 00:10:54,588 --> 00:10:56,955 (crunching) 263 00:10:56,957 --> 00:10:59,024 You're starving me and the baby! 264 00:10:59,026 --> 00:11:01,459 I'm sorry! I'll do whatever you want! 265 00:11:01,461 --> 00:11:04,462 I want you to want to be here, 266 00:11:04,464 --> 00:11:06,798 and I want you to make me exactly the same sandwich 267 00:11:06,800 --> 00:11:10,268 you did before because you straight up killed it. 268 00:11:10,270 --> 00:11:13,338 (sighs) Is it just me, or has Roger gone crazy? 269 00:11:13,340 --> 00:11:16,441 Hayley, how how many times have you been pregnant? None. 270 00:11:16,443 --> 00:11:19,544 How many times have I been pregnant? Four. 271 00:11:21,982 --> 00:11:25,016 Point is, I know what Roger's going through. 272 00:11:25,018 --> 00:11:27,519 All he wants is to feel appreciated. 273 00:11:27,521 --> 00:11:29,187 I'm trying the best I can. 274 00:11:29,189 --> 00:11:33,525 Try harder. He's carrying your husband, after all. 275 00:11:33,527 --> 00:11:35,026 ROGER: Damn it, Hayley! I'm starving! 276 00:11:35,028 --> 00:11:36,461 Are you gonna make me suck the milk 277 00:11:36,463 --> 00:11:38,530 out of my own damn boobs?! 278 00:11:38,532 --> 00:11:42,067 Huh. (slurping) 279 00:11:42,069 --> 00:11:44,569 Bring me some Oreos! (slurping continues) 280 00:11:44,571 --> 00:11:46,337 Morning, Mimosa-nators. 281 00:11:46,339 --> 00:11:50,208 We're about to surprise Snots with his third happy day. 282 00:11:50,210 --> 00:11:52,143 Blow the door! 283 00:11:52,145 --> 00:11:54,045 (explosion) You're back! 284 00:11:54,047 --> 00:11:56,014 Uhh! (electricity crackles) 285 00:11:56,016 --> 00:11:57,916 ¶ Wake up, wake up, wake up ¶ 286 00:11:57,918 --> 00:12:01,820 It's time for your third hap-- Where the hell is he? 287 00:12:01,822 --> 00:12:03,922 I'm sorry, Snot. I screwed up, 288 00:12:03,924 --> 00:12:05,824 but I'm gonna get you out of this, I promise. 289 00:12:05,826 --> 00:12:07,425 (alarm beeping) 290 00:12:07,427 --> 00:12:09,828 He's here! Aah! 291 00:12:09,830 --> 00:12:12,163 (gun clicking) Run! 292 00:12:12,165 --> 00:12:13,531 (clicking) 293 00:12:13,533 --> 00:12:15,734 Sues, we're not trying to kill him. 294 00:12:15,736 --> 00:12:17,669 We're just trying to give him his third happy day. 295 00:12:17,671 --> 00:12:19,537 Sorry. (breathing heavily) 296 00:12:19,539 --> 00:12:21,239 I was just flashing back to Desert Storm. 297 00:12:21,241 --> 00:12:23,875 Okay, but you weren't in Desert Storm. 298 00:12:23,877 --> 00:12:26,211 You saw part of Three Kings on HBO. 299 00:12:26,213 --> 00:12:29,914 (whispers) The part I saw was so powerful. 300 00:12:32,419 --> 00:12:34,452 (groans) It's not time for my nap yet. 301 00:12:34,454 --> 00:12:36,221 Why are you bringing me upstairs? 302 00:12:36,223 --> 00:12:39,858 On "Goop," Gwyneth Paltrow says I should avoid stairs. 303 00:12:39,860 --> 00:12:41,626 "Goop" says I shouldn't exert myself. 304 00:12:41,628 --> 00:12:44,028 "Goop" says my ankles are weak. 305 00:12:44,030 --> 00:12:45,630 We should buy an elevator like "Goop" says. 306 00:12:45,632 --> 00:12:47,532 BOTH: Surprise! 307 00:12:47,534 --> 00:12:50,602 Oh, my God! A surprise baby shower?! 308 00:12:50,604 --> 00:12:52,137 You've been through a lot, Roger, 309 00:12:52,139 --> 00:12:54,072 and I wanted to do something nice for you. 310 00:12:54,074 --> 00:12:57,876 Well, as tough as it's been, I must say I've been a rock. 311 00:12:57,878 --> 00:12:59,811 Ooh! Presents! 312 00:13:01,081 --> 00:13:03,548 Happy baby shower, Roger! 313 00:13:04,751 --> 00:13:06,417 A Phish CD? 314 00:13:06,419 --> 00:13:09,621 It's Jeff's favorite band! That's so sweet, Mom. 315 00:13:09,623 --> 00:13:11,289 Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no. 316 00:13:11,291 --> 00:13:13,291 The baby is not gonna listen to this stoner garbage. 317 00:13:13,293 --> 00:13:16,594 He's above that. For him, it's only classical masters, 318 00:13:16,596 --> 00:13:18,429 like the Indiana Jones soundtrack. 319 00:13:18,431 --> 00:13:20,098 (imitates Indiana Jones theme, whip snapping) 320 00:13:20,100 --> 00:13:23,368 Whatever. Dad, why don't you give Roger your present? 321 00:13:27,240 --> 00:13:29,340 It's Jeff's hat. I got it out of the closet. 322 00:13:29,342 --> 00:13:30,842 I forgot we were doing this. 323 00:13:30,844 --> 00:13:32,944 Yuck! The baby won't be wearing hats, 324 00:13:32,946 --> 00:13:35,079 not when he has access to my wigs. 325 00:13:35,081 --> 00:13:36,848 Roger, that's Jeff's favorite hat. 326 00:13:36,850 --> 00:13:38,283 He wears it all the time. 327 00:13:38,285 --> 00:13:39,918 Not anymore, he won't. 328 00:13:39,920 --> 00:13:41,586 Are there more presents? Tell me there are more presents. 329 00:13:41,588 --> 00:13:43,454 Well, I didn't know if it was going to be a boy or a girl, 330 00:13:43,456 --> 00:13:44,989 so I got you this. 331 00:13:45,859 --> 00:13:48,927 Oh, yes! A sparkly sequined onesie! 332 00:13:48,929 --> 00:13:50,795 This is perfect for the baby! 333 00:13:50,797 --> 00:13:52,864 It's all I've ever wanted for him, 334 00:13:52,866 --> 00:13:55,366 to be sawed in half at a magic show. 335 00:13:55,368 --> 00:13:57,001 Thank you, Klaus. 336 00:13:57,003 --> 00:13:59,037 You're the only one who knows what my baby wants. 337 00:13:59,039 --> 00:14:00,805 Get over yourself, Roger! 338 00:14:00,807 --> 00:14:03,708 It's not your baby! It's my Jeff! 339 00:14:03,710 --> 00:14:05,443 Oh, it's your Jeff, is it? 340 00:14:05,445 --> 00:14:08,513 Well, what your Jeff needs is his mother -- me. 341 00:14:08,515 --> 00:14:10,548 You know what he doesn't need? You! 342 00:14:10,550 --> 00:14:13,451 And come to think of it, I don't need you either. 343 00:14:13,453 --> 00:14:15,954 Where the hell are you going? I'm outta here, bitch. 344 00:14:15,956 --> 00:14:18,189 I'm raising this baby on my own. 345 00:14:18,191 --> 00:14:21,326 And you know what? His name's not Jeff anymore. 346 00:14:21,328 --> 00:14:23,528 It's Tristan! 347 00:14:23,530 --> 00:14:25,630 I figured it out! 348 00:14:25,632 --> 00:14:27,398 This diaper has Snickers in it. 349 00:14:27,400 --> 00:14:28,833 Dad, we weren't playing that game. 350 00:14:28,835 --> 00:14:30,635 Where'd you find that? 351 00:14:35,342 --> 00:14:37,175 Guys, Roger's out there, God knows where, 352 00:14:37,177 --> 00:14:39,344 walking around with Jeff inside him. 353 00:14:39,346 --> 00:14:41,379 (scoffs) Or should I say Tristan? 354 00:14:41,381 --> 00:14:44,582 Hayley, relax. Tristan's a great name. 355 00:14:44,584 --> 00:14:47,051 We should've named Steve Tristan. 356 00:14:47,053 --> 00:14:49,387 Pregnant mothers just get emotional. 357 00:14:49,389 --> 00:14:52,023 And they stay emotional! Up top. 358 00:14:52,025 --> 00:14:54,392 Don't look at me, Stan. I love women. 359 00:14:54,394 --> 00:14:56,394 I respect them too much. 360 00:14:56,396 --> 00:14:57,762 (scoffs) Please. 361 00:14:57,764 --> 00:14:59,831 Is it too late to side with you, Stan? 362 00:14:59,833 --> 00:15:01,266 Let's go find Roger. 363 00:15:01,268 --> 00:15:03,368 Who knows what he could be doing right now? 364 00:15:03,370 --> 00:15:06,704 (tune of "Papa Don't Preach" playing) 365 00:15:06,706 --> 00:15:11,509 ¶ Hayley, I know you're gonna be upset ¶ 366 00:15:11,511 --> 00:15:15,780 ¶ 'Cause you need me to birth human Jeff ¶ 367 00:15:15,782 --> 00:15:18,449 ¶ But you should know by now ¶ 368 00:15:18,451 --> 00:15:21,920 ¶ That I'm a bit crazy ¶ 369 00:15:23,356 --> 00:15:27,225 ¶ You helped to show me what I want ¶ 370 00:15:27,227 --> 00:15:31,863 ¶ My goal in life is to be a mom ¶ 371 00:15:31,865 --> 00:15:34,299 ¶ We're in this, him and me ¶ 372 00:15:34,301 --> 00:15:37,468 ¶ And I don't need Hayley ¶ 373 00:15:38,204 --> 00:15:40,104 ¶ Hayley, don't preach ¶ 374 00:15:40,106 --> 00:15:42,106 ¶ I'm in trouble deep ¶ 375 00:15:42,108 --> 00:15:44,108 ¶ Hayley, don't preach ¶ 376 00:15:44,110 --> 00:15:46,744 ¶ I need booze to sleep ¶ 377 00:15:46,746 --> 00:15:48,913 ¶ And I made up my mind ¶ 378 00:15:48,915 --> 00:15:53,284 ¶ I'm keeping my baby ¶ 379 00:15:53,286 --> 00:15:55,720 ¶ I'm gonna keep my Tristan ¶ 380 00:15:55,722 --> 00:15:58,489 ¶ Mmm, mmm ¶ 381 00:15:58,491 --> 00:16:00,325 (song ends) 382 00:16:00,327 --> 00:16:03,628 Excuse me, ma'am. Will you be making a purchase with us today? 383 00:16:03,630 --> 00:16:06,731 (laughs) No, no, I will not. 384 00:16:08,735 --> 00:16:10,335 (engine revving) 385 00:16:13,006 --> 00:16:14,472 (tires screech) 386 00:16:15,642 --> 00:16:17,809 (brakes squeal) Go around, Mike! 387 00:16:17,811 --> 00:16:19,711 (tires screech) 388 00:16:23,316 --> 00:16:24,782 Aw, crud. 389 00:16:24,784 --> 00:16:28,353 (grunting) 390 00:16:28,355 --> 00:16:29,587 Looking for this? 391 00:16:29,589 --> 00:16:31,322 Oh, no! How did you find me? 392 00:16:31,324 --> 00:16:33,925 This is where I ran off to when I was pregnant. 393 00:16:33,927 --> 00:16:36,627 It's the... "Go-to motel for scared pregnant women." 394 00:16:36,629 --> 00:16:38,162 I read your Yelp review. 395 00:16:38,164 --> 00:16:39,831 Why'd you run away? 396 00:16:39,833 --> 00:16:43,301 To think about the most important decision of my life -- 397 00:16:43,303 --> 00:16:45,670 whether or not I was going to keep you. 398 00:16:45,672 --> 00:16:47,872 Oh, hey! Is that the coin I flipped? 399 00:16:47,874 --> 00:16:49,507 Roger, I'm sorry. 400 00:16:49,509 --> 00:16:52,543 This whole time, I was so focused on getting Jeff back, 401 00:16:52,545 --> 00:16:54,946 I forgot how much this was affecting you. 402 00:16:54,948 --> 00:16:57,548 So...I got you this. 403 00:16:59,119 --> 00:17:01,786 (gasps) Now you can match Jeff -- 404 00:17:01,788 --> 00:17:04,389 or Tristan, whatever you wanna call him. 405 00:17:04,391 --> 00:17:06,691 We are in this together. 406 00:17:06,693 --> 00:17:08,459 Let's call him Jeff! 407 00:17:08,461 --> 00:17:11,729 I'm starting to think "Tristan" is a gay lion's name. 408 00:17:11,731 --> 00:17:13,164 Ready to come home? 409 00:17:13,166 --> 00:17:16,000 Okay, just let me grab my -- Aah! 410 00:17:16,002 --> 00:17:17,902 Aah! Roger! Your eyes are bleeding! 411 00:17:17,904 --> 00:17:19,337 The baby! 412 00:17:19,339 --> 00:17:20,738 What? What's wrong with the baby?! 413 00:17:20,740 --> 00:17:23,241 Bleeding eyes means the baby's coming! 414 00:17:23,243 --> 00:17:25,076 I thought you read the book I got you! 415 00:17:25,078 --> 00:17:28,179 I did! But it was just David Blaine's life story. 416 00:17:28,181 --> 00:17:30,548 Oh, yeah, well, I was right to give you that book. 417 00:17:30,550 --> 00:17:32,016 It's awesome. Pretty cool. 418 00:17:32,018 --> 00:17:34,085 He was bullied as a kid and then made himself 419 00:17:34,087 --> 00:17:36,821 into one of the most popular magicians in the world. 420 00:17:36,823 --> 00:17:39,357 Speaking of magicians, did you know Criss Angel 421 00:17:39,359 --> 00:17:41,926 lives on the top floor of the Luxor? 422 00:17:41,928 --> 00:17:43,828 Do you think he has a book? I-I don't know. 423 00:17:43,830 --> 00:17:47,265 Shut up, you babbling bitch! I'm having a baby here! 424 00:17:47,267 --> 00:17:50,334 (tires screeching, Roger screaming) 425 00:17:50,336 --> 00:17:54,072 ¶¶ 426 00:17:54,074 --> 00:17:55,373 (Tires screech) 427 00:17:55,375 --> 00:17:57,275 ¶¶ 428 00:17:57,277 --> 00:17:59,177 (tires screeching) 429 00:17:59,179 --> 00:18:02,180 ¶¶ 430 00:18:09,756 --> 00:18:12,356 (screaming) 431 00:18:12,358 --> 00:18:13,691 (brays) 432 00:18:13,693 --> 00:18:16,761 ¶¶ 433 00:18:19,265 --> 00:18:21,532 (tires screeching) 434 00:18:21,534 --> 00:18:24,902 No one escapes the third happy day! 435 00:18:24,904 --> 00:18:27,271 (both screaming) 436 00:18:27,273 --> 00:18:29,907 (screaming) 437 00:18:29,909 --> 00:18:32,276 Childbirth really hurts! 438 00:18:32,278 --> 00:18:35,146 I have so much respect for Michelle Duggar now, 439 00:18:35,148 --> 00:18:37,915 which is saying something, because I already considered her 440 00:18:37,917 --> 00:18:40,785 one of the most accomplished women of her generation. 441 00:18:40,787 --> 00:18:42,753 Aah! 442 00:18:42,755 --> 00:18:44,555 Stay strong, Roger. Keep pushing. 443 00:18:44,557 --> 00:18:47,492 This is punishment for all the bad things I've done, 444 00:18:47,494 --> 00:18:49,560 like the time I took those blind people 445 00:18:49,562 --> 00:18:51,429 to that noisy warehouse and told them 446 00:18:51,431 --> 00:18:53,064 they were at the World Series. 447 00:18:53,066 --> 00:18:56,634 I sold them $12 beers I bought for $8, 448 00:18:56,636 --> 00:18:59,137 and when they were super drunk, I made their team lose 449 00:18:59,139 --> 00:19:00,638 in the bottom of the 9th 450 00:19:00,640 --> 00:19:02,907 and broke their dumb, blind hearts. 451 00:19:02,909 --> 00:19:04,175 Keep pushing! 452 00:19:04,177 --> 00:19:05,910 (screaming) 453 00:19:05,912 --> 00:19:07,345 (pop) He's here! 454 00:19:07,347 --> 00:19:09,580 (baby crying) 455 00:19:09,582 --> 00:19:12,750 Congratulations! It's a strange thing. 456 00:19:12,752 --> 00:19:15,153 Why's he so small? I thought he was coming out full grown. 457 00:19:15,155 --> 00:19:16,587 What's wrong? 458 00:19:16,589 --> 00:19:18,356 Oh, it's like one of those sponge dinosaurs. 459 00:19:18,358 --> 00:19:20,324 He'll get bigger once we add water. 460 00:19:20,326 --> 00:19:22,927 Can I...Can I see him? 461 00:19:22,929 --> 00:19:26,631 (purring) Hey, buddy. 462 00:19:26,633 --> 00:19:27,932 Roger! 463 00:19:29,169 --> 00:19:32,203 My mouth is super juicy for this very purpose. 464 00:19:32,205 --> 00:19:33,871 Babe. Jeff, it's you! 465 00:19:33,873 --> 00:19:35,473 Aw, give him here. 466 00:19:35,475 --> 00:19:39,177 I need to do skin-to-skin contact right away. 467 00:19:39,179 --> 00:19:42,446 He's not latching. I disown this child. 468 00:19:48,021 --> 00:19:50,788 I'm sorry these three happy days have been so terrible. 469 00:19:50,790 --> 00:19:53,324 Actually, today's been pretty good. 470 00:19:53,326 --> 00:19:55,793 What? You twisted your ankle, 471 00:19:55,795 --> 00:19:57,495 we almost died in a freezing river, 472 00:19:57,497 --> 00:19:59,030 and now we're hiding in a storm drain 473 00:19:59,032 --> 00:20:00,731 that smells like a dead body. 474 00:20:00,733 --> 00:20:04,368 Yeah, but I wasn't poor, and you weren't middle class. 475 00:20:04,370 --> 00:20:08,639 We were just two best friends, running for our lives. 476 00:20:08,641 --> 00:20:10,841 Come here. 477 00:20:10,843 --> 00:20:12,343 Whoa. 478 00:20:12,345 --> 00:20:15,746 I feel it, too. This is a hell of a moment. 479 00:20:15,748 --> 00:20:19,750 No, it's just -- I know why it smells like a dead body in here. 480 00:20:19,752 --> 00:20:21,085 I'm not dead. 481 00:20:21,087 --> 00:20:23,054 Just because I don't conform 482 00:20:23,056 --> 00:20:26,524 to your conventional standard of beauty doesn't mean I'm dead. 483 00:20:26,526 --> 00:20:30,761 You know all those magazine covers are Photoshopped, right? 484 00:20:30,763 --> 00:20:32,396 BOTH: Aah! 485 00:20:32,398 --> 00:20:37,501 Scared of what a real woman looks like?! 486 00:20:40,039 --> 00:20:41,872 So, after everything with Roger, 487 00:20:41,874 --> 00:20:44,842 I realized, there's so much more to having kids 488 00:20:44,844 --> 00:20:46,344 than I ever thought, 489 00:20:46,346 --> 00:20:48,246 and I don't know if they're ready for that. 490 00:20:48,248 --> 00:20:50,081 Well, having just been born, 491 00:20:50,083 --> 00:20:52,883 I feel I'm a little young to have a baby. 492 00:20:52,885 --> 00:20:54,418 Guys, I finally added up the bill 493 00:20:54,420 --> 00:20:55,786 for being your surrogate. 494 00:20:55,788 --> 00:20:58,456 Food, parts, labor, loss of other income, 495 00:20:58,458 --> 00:21:02,126 all totaled -- you owe me a ride to the mall. 496 00:21:02,128 --> 00:21:04,362 Bye-bye, see you soon. 497 00:21:04,364 --> 00:21:07,999 -- Captions by VITAC --