¶¶
Ah, Saturday afternoon TV,
where the sneaky networks hide all the good shows --
A guy with question marks on his suit
yelling tax secrets at me,
"Rick Steves: Gloryholin' Europe,"
and of course, the secret final episode
of "Caroline in the City."
Now the city is mine!
[ Laughs ]
Still holds up!
¶¶
¶ I'll be ready ¶
¶ Never you fear ¶
¶ No, don't you fear ¶ Well, suck me off through a hole
and call me Rick Steves,
what is this?!
It's "Baywatch."
You've never seen "Baywatch"?
Do you like this, Roger?
Franny, I like the smell of gasoline.
I like to play with Stan's dingaling
while he sleeps.
This. This, I love!
Wait, wha-- what was that second thing?
Why were you keeping
the exciting world of lifeguards from me?!
I'm watching upstairs!
Guys, we have huge news!
[ Inhales ]
We're going to start trying for a baby!
[ Squeals, laughs ]
Steve, you're gonna be an uncle!
[ Squeals, laughs ]
And what will I be?
Oh, Klaus, you'll be...nearby.
And, Dad, you're gonna be a grandpa!
Dad?
Dad, where are you going?
[ Door closes ]
[ Tires screech ]
How'd you get this car so fast?
I got it at Off Screen Motors.
Hey! No cameras!
We're never on camera!
Honey, why are you upset?
I'm excited about being a grandmother!
Of course you are.
Society celebrates women as they age.
It's different for men.
Aging just means we're closer to death.
And I've got too much to live for.
I own a Corvette!
[ Engine revs, tires squeal ] Me too!
I just turned the same age as my dad when he died!
[ Tires squeal ]
¶ Good morning, U.S.A. ¶
¶ I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day ¶
¶ The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ¶
¶ And he's shinin' a salute to the American race ¶
¶ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ¶
¶ Good -- ¶ ¶ Good morning, U.S.A. ¶
Aah!
¶ Good morning, U.S.A. ¶
¶¶
What's all this?
I felt bad about how I reacted
to your wonderful news yesterday.
So I'm cooking breakfast for my sweet daughter.
Aww, thanks, Dad.
or should I say... "Grandpa".
[ Blender whirs ] Fresh squeezed O.J.?!
Great!
I've never tried it blended!
[ Blender shuts off ] Enjoy!
You know, Stan,
Tropicana makes an O.J. pre-mixed with birth control --
Country style, tons of pulp.
Mmm. You gotta drink it with a fork.
To cover all my bases,
I've got something special planned for Jeff.
Also, most flavors of Go-Gurt
can double as a pubic lice shampoo.
[ Engine revs ]
Jeff, I wanted to take you out to dinner
to celebrate your efforts to impregnate my daughter.
It's not that much of an effort, Mr. S.
I just lie on top of her and flop around like a fish.
Great.
Excellent.
And here we are at the restaurant!
This place looks fancy.
I'm not sure I can afford it.
Well, Jeff, I've never known you to pay for anything,
but it's interesting that you still pretend to try.
That's why I bought a wallet.
Well, you bought me the wallet.
You know what I'm talking about --
the wallet! Yes, the wallet, Jeff.
The wallet. So, you know, so I can go like this.
I can reach for it.
Yes, yes, that's the move, Jeff.
That's the move.
Wonderful.
Steve, you're giving away all
of your popular trademarked toys?!
Yep, my GI Joels, my Trans-Changers,
My "My Tiny Baby Horse," Warm Wheels,
Lettuce Field Gang doll,
My Pre-teen Radiated Judo Bullfrogs,
Giggle-Me-Elmer, Theo Ruxberg.
Even my Smorfs.
All classics.
So, why are you getting rid of them?
Well, I'm gonna be an uncle.
So it's time to put away my childish things.
Things such as Leegos, Malibu Barbara,
Affection Bears.
Plus, of course, there's the matter of my board games --
Slides and Stepstools, Connect Three,
Starving Starving Rhinos, Scrapple, Guess Whom,
Front-gammon, Unincorporated Candy Township.
As you can see, I take being an uncle very seriously.
I totally get it.
I take my family role very seriously too.
You know -- being "nearby."
Oh, Klaus.
Were you there when she said that?
Roger: [ Blows whistle ]
Last warning, guys -- no glass in the swimming area.
Uh, this is my bedroom.
To us lifeguards, the whole world is a swimming area.
See you nutsacks by the pool later.
Aah.
Get help... you nutsacks.
So, pretty sweet they gave us a private dining room, huh?
But why do you think the maître d' shaved my junk?
This is an Italian restaurant.
-Oh! -Hello, Mr. Fischer.
I see you're prepped. Now, this procedure --
No need to hear the specials, my good man.
We know what we want.
I think I'll have the spaghetti.
Spaghetti?
Jeff, never order out what you can make at home.
I mean, okay, the sauce is sometimes amazing, that's true.
And fresh pasta -- Can't beat that.
You know what? I talked myself into it.
Make it two spaghettis.
How big is your minestrone?
Is this man not aware he's here for a medical procedure?
Can you tell me a little bit more about your "colonoscopy"?
Is that spicy?
I'm sorry, but I can't operate on a man this stupid.
[ "Baywatch" theme plays ]
[ Record scratching ] Wait! Stop! Stop!
What are you doing? These are my opening credits.
Oh, sorry.
I was just taking out the garbage.
Did I mess things up? Franny, be honest.
Do you think I have what it takes to be a sexy lifeguard?
Roger...
I don't know what's happening.
[ Door closes ]
Rough day at work? Work?
Oh, yeah. I should have gone to work.
I'm just so distracted by this grandfather stuff.
Oh, Stan, I hoped you were over that silliness.
Well, no matter. It's out of our hands now.
What are you talking about?
Jeff and Hayley just left for a romantic vacation
to the Atlantis Resort in the Bahamas.
Oh, man. Dudes get it in at Atlantis.
We have to go to the Bahamas.
We do? Yeah.
We need to be supportive and help them in any way we can.
If we want to support Hayley in this,
we should take her to the dog track.
That always gets my motor revvin'.
Seein' all those dogs run real fast.
So, you're saying I'm obsessed with stopping Hayley
from having a baby
because of my relationship with my grandparents?
Ridiculous!
They were nice people who grew older and smaller and weaker
until I found them both dead.
I only asked if you wanted an ocean view.
And let them fishes see me while I sleep?
Uh, no, thank you. -Where'd you get that doughnut?
I got it on the Welcome Pastry Cart.
Where'd you get that wine?
My suitcase.
Whoa.
[ "Baywatch" theme plays ]
[ Music continues ]
Dad?!
D-Dad, what are you doing here?
You forgot your orange juice.
Ugh. What is that pink scum on top?
That means this orange juice is for a girl.
Dad, this was supposed to be a romantic getaway.
I've got my partner...
Men: [ Chanting ] Chug, chug! Chug, chug!
So, where's yours? He's in the Jacuzzi.
Do you dare me to put my wiener in the jet?
I do.
[ Children shouting playfully ]
Hey, sluggers! I'm Mark!
I run the Kidz Klub for the hotel.
You cool dudes should join us.
We're making a hippo boat out of milk cartons.
Mark, Mark, Mark.
Looks like you got a great thing going here, Mark.
A week ago, I'd be rooting around your Kidz Klub
like a pig in shit.
However, I'm about to be an uncle.
So I'm looking for something a little more mature.
Oh. I see.
Well, if you change your mind, we'll always be here for you!
Don't bring that desperation to my boy.
He's about to be an uncle.
You're a freakin' joke, buddy.
Huh! That's what I thought.
You know, this whole resort feels like a Kidz Klub to me.
This isn't the real Bahamas.
Yeah, I was feeling that, too,
but you really put a bow on it.
Klaus, if I want to give worldly uncle advice,
I got to get out in the real world.
Didn't they say it's dangerous outside of the resort?
Those warnings are for kids, Klaus.
[ Screams ]
¶¶
[ Thud ]
[ Glass squeaking ]
I don't know why you're doing what you're doing,
but it has to stop.
Hayley, I didn't want to have to do this,
but I forbid you from having a baby.
I'm too young to be a grandfather.
Well, don't worry about it. You're never gonna be one.
Ah, what a relief. [ Chuckles ]
Hey, what do you say you and me go pet that manta ray?
Because...
when I have a baby, you won't be part of its life.
Hey! No running on the pool deck!
Did I get her?
[ Thud ] Nope.
[ Sighs ]
Rough one, too?
I'm miserable, even though I've achieved every actor's dream --
performing in a hotel water show.
It's a show about animal cruelty.
I play the villain, Animal Strangling Johnson,
while Tyler gets to play the hero, Ranger Ron.
You don't know what it's like
to have 200 people boo you every night.
The most boos I've ever gotten
was like 60, maybe 70 people.
I would do anything to get to play Ranger Ron.
Anything.
I get it.
I would do anything to keep my daughter and son-in-law
from having a baby.
Even murder?
-What? -Eight Coronas, Jimmy.
Oh, hey, Stan.
Us lifeguards are having a big bonfire on the beach later.
You should come. But don't bring that guy.
He strangles animals. Boo!
Talking to you reminds me of a fun idea I had once.
Stan: Does it? You're not having that effect on me.
Now, let's say that you'd like to kill off your son-in-law.
This isn't the fun idea, then?
But you can't, because you'd get caught.
But let's say, hypothetically,
two fellas with no connection at all meet up,
and they swap murders --
hypothetically, of course.
Do you know what "hypothetically" means?
Let's say... hypothetically, I do.
We good? I think so?
But do not kill my son-in-law.
I can't be any more clear about that.
You got it. Great.
You know, I was just thinking about it,
and the fact that you winked at me
makes me think that you might...
want to sleep with me.
And although I'm flattered,
and maybe even a little bit curious,
um, I am a happily married man.
And, um, I'm gonna have to say...
no.
Did you say something?
Okay.
[ Birds chirping ]
So, your story is that you just walked away
from the Atlantis Resort?
Yes, th-- That's right.
Could I get a glass of water? It's very humid.
You expect me to believe that you left seven pools,
a casual dining bistro, and a turquoise shop?
That's everything a little boy could dream of...
unless that little boy is a D.E.A junior agent!
What? The D.E.A wouldn't even have jurisdiction down here.
Mr. D.E.A. quoting from the D.E.A handbook.
Kill them and feed them to the pigs.
Aah! Please don't kill me!
I'm gonna be an uncle!
Wait. You're going to be an uncle?
Why didn't you say so?
I am an uncle myself.
I'm gonna be the best uncle ever.
Next to me.
My niece is so cute. She can't say "mosquito."
She says "momito."
"Uncle Drake, I am covered in momito bites."
[ Laughs ]
You know, I've been looking for an uncle type
to step up in my organization.
Joining a violent drug gang.
I don't know.
Raising a child is expensive.
A rich uncle could really help out.
Listen to your fish. Hmm.
You're not gonna sell this to any white people, are you?
Not directly.
I'm in!
[ Cellphone buzzes ]
[ Groans ] Who's texting me this early?
[ Cellphone chiming ]
"Whoa! How about you just chill?"
Surfer emoji.
Should I put a snowflake on there to really sell the chill?
[ Cellphone chiming ]
Oh, God. I got to find Jeff!
[ Door opens ]
Where am I?
A hotel room!
You're getting a lot better at drinking, Francine.
Jeff's not in his room.
All right, if I'm gonna find him, I've got to think like him.
Okay, I'm a 20-year-old stoner trying to bang my daughter.
Where would I go?
Donny! Wait!
Aah! My back!
Oh! Oh!
[ Italian accent ] My cart!
My grandfather's pastry cart!
[ Italian accent ] You promised me we would find
a better life here on the island!
[ Sighs ] I should have married Guiseppe.
Guiseppe!
¶¶
Now, be careful out there, girls.
I can handle losing a few grams of product.
I don't know what I'd do if I lost one of you.
-Aww. -Aww.
Now I'll quit jibber-jabbering
and let you girls stuff those coke condoms up your asses.
Great work, Shazmayne. You too, Sydney.
Mateo, buddy, what's wrong?
Where's that famous Mateo smile?
Mateo's smile hides today.
Well, that's no good.
Want me to buy you a poster of the planets?
No, Mr. Uncle Steve.
It's just, uh, well,
M-Mr. Klaus -- He's sort of --
Klaus: Sort of what?!
First, I told you I want to be called Razor.
How hard is that to remember?
Maybe you need a little reminder...
every time you dance!
Ha!
Um, Razor. A word.
You've been acting a little erratic lately.
I know. It's terrible.
I think I know what it might be.
[ Inhales deeply ]
Gah. I feel, like, super-disconnected from the family.
I mean, Hayley said that thing about me being "nearby,"
and it got me spinning out, and I feel like -- Hold on.
[ Inhales deeply ]
I feel like I'm trying to make the gang a new family,
but the "Razor" thing?
I mean, it's just -- just not a home run yet.
What? Ridiculous!
You're "the Razor"!
That means something around here.
Maybe just a little less coke,
a little less threatening people's toes.
Who says I'm doing too much coke?!
Okay, shoes on, everyone. Razor's in one of his moods.
[ Groans ]
Here you go, old-timer.
[ Groans ]
[ Straining ] Got to find Jeff.
[ Blows whistle ] Hey!
Where'd you get that popsicle?
Is that a Rocket Pop?
They told me they were out.
[ Blows whistle ]
Damn it, Roger! My ears!
Bitch got my pop!
Eh?
Give us back our ball! Eh?
God, I hate old people.
Get him!
Eh? [ Indistinct shouting ]
No!
[ Dramatic music plays ]
It has come to my attention
that we're light on product this month.
Someone is ripping me off!
Who do you think it is?
My money's on Mateo.
[ Grunting ]
Just give me the word, and I'll cut him.
I'll do it in the town square.
That way, everyone knows who runs this [bleep] island.
Shut up! I know it was one of you two.
And you're both going to die.
I knew it was a mistake to mix business and uncles.
I told you we'd always be here for you, Steve!
Glue guns now, gang!
[ Groaning ]
[ Tinkle! ]
Way to go, P.J.!
We're all helping equally.
Come on, Steve.
I didn't know Kids Klub was so bad-ass!
You know, I've never lost a kid.
[ Screams ]
Steve: You're amazing, Mark!
Mmm! Mmmmm!
[ "Baywatch" theme plays ]
[ Music stops ]
[ Vomits, coughs ]
Jeff!
Aah!
Kids, look!
That's Animal Strangling Johnson!
Donny, catch!
[ Indistinct shouting ]
[ Screaming ]
What the hell is going on, Dad?
I'm so sorry for being such an idiot.
I thought I was too young to be a grandfather.
But now I realize young is the best time to do it.
If I wait too long to have grandchildren,
they're gonna drown me in a pool.
Come to think of it, that's how I killed my grandfather.
I'm a little confused. What's happening?
What's happening is that I'm giving you two
my blessing to have children.
Aww. Thanks, Dad.
[ "Baywatch" theme plays ]
Glad you came around, Stan.
That's gonna be one hell of a baby.
Thanks, Roger. Yep.
Half human, half alien.
Gonna be one gorgeous splice baby.
What are you talking about?
Oh, yeah. You don't remember. [ Laughs ]
Isn't it ironic that I forget that your minds were erased?
[ Laughs ]
Anyway, Jeff's brain is in an alien body.
It was a whole thing in space.
And nobody but me knows. And now you.
And the guy who's behind us who won't stop eavesdropping!
We know you're not asleep, buddy.
Sorry. I'm just naturally curious. [ Door opens ]
Wow, Jeff. That was amazing.
Look, Mr. S.! I fell in the toilet!
Are you sure about this?
That your daughter's married to an alien with superpowers?
Yeah, babe. Superpowers?!
That's right, Dadders. Jeff has superpowers.
Tune in next week and see if we deal with that.
And maybe Reginald will come back.
Bye-bye! See you soon!