1 00:00:01,369 --> 00:00:04,272 Narrator: The Chimdale Stakes is the first jewel 2 00:00:04,372 --> 00:00:06,006 in the Triple Crown of dog racing. 3 00:00:06,040 --> 00:00:07,908 And this year's race is sure to be a thriller, 4 00:00:07,941 --> 00:00:10,744 pitting wily veterans like Bark Ruffalo 5 00:00:10,778 --> 00:00:13,581 against exciting newcomers like Fleabiscuit, 6 00:00:13,614 --> 00:00:16,016 a long shot at 20-1 odds. 7 00:00:16,050 --> 00:00:19,420 Can any of these dogs win all three races? 8 00:00:19,453 --> 00:00:23,224 History is against them, as no dog has won the Triple Crown 9 00:00:23,257 --> 00:00:26,160 since some dog did it in 1943. 10 00:00:26,194 --> 00:00:28,429 His name was Some Dog. 11 00:00:28,462 --> 00:00:30,064 I know that sounds strange... 12 00:00:30,098 --> 00:00:31,932 ...was the dog that came in second. 13 00:00:31,965 --> 00:00:33,734 Perhaps it's the confusing names 14 00:00:33,767 --> 00:00:36,604 as to why dog racing never took off elsewhere... 15 00:00:36,637 --> 00:00:39,607 ...came in third. 16 00:00:39,640 --> 00:00:41,442 Babe, can you believe this? 17 00:00:41,475 --> 00:00:42,610 I'm so nervous. 18 00:00:42,643 --> 00:00:44,378 Of course you're nervous. 19 00:00:44,412 --> 00:00:46,747 Everything you've done has led you to this. 20 00:00:46,780 --> 00:00:48,582 Sunday, buying the dog. 21 00:00:48,616 --> 00:00:50,384 Monday, entering the race. 22 00:00:50,418 --> 00:00:52,453 Tuesday, kind of taking the day off. 23 00:00:52,486 --> 00:00:53,587 Wednesday, too. 24 00:00:53,621 --> 00:00:54,788 And now it's Thursday! 25 00:00:54,822 --> 00:00:56,457 Yeah, it's Thursday! 26 00:00:56,490 --> 00:00:57,791 It's almost the weekend! 27 00:00:57,825 --> 00:00:59,360 What am I so nervous about? 28 00:00:59,393 --> 00:01:01,295 It's normal. It's the big race. 29 00:01:01,329 --> 00:01:02,796 Oh, God! Is it happening now?! 30 00:01:02,830 --> 00:01:04,932 This means so much to me! 31 00:01:04,965 --> 00:01:09,237 Up next, the 83rd running of the Chimdale Stakes, 32 00:01:09,270 --> 00:01:10,938 sponsored by... 33 00:01:10,971 --> 00:01:15,143 Rick Heidleman -- a private citizen. 34 00:01:15,176 --> 00:01:16,777 Huh. 35 00:01:16,810 --> 00:01:19,313 ** 36 00:01:19,347 --> 00:01:21,815 * Good morning, U.S.A. 37 00:01:21,849 --> 00:01:25,719 * I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day * 38 00:01:25,753 --> 00:01:28,822 * The sun in the sky has a smile on his face * 39 00:01:28,856 --> 00:01:33,527 * And he's shinin' a salute to the American race * 40 00:01:35,196 --> 00:01:38,566 * Oh, boy, it's swell to say 41 00:01:38,599 --> 00:01:41,135 * Good -- * Good morning, U.S.A. 42 00:01:41,169 --> 00:01:42,370 Aah! 43 00:01:43,471 --> 00:01:46,807 * Good morning, U.S.A. 44 00:01:46,840 --> 00:01:49,177 ** 45 00:01:49,210 --> 00:01:51,679 Wow. The Chimdale Stakes. 46 00:01:51,712 --> 00:01:55,283 So much tradition and history and -- oh, look! 47 00:01:55,316 --> 00:01:56,784 A guy pukin' his guts out! 48 00:01:56,817 --> 00:01:58,352 This place is so fancy. 49 00:01:58,386 --> 00:02:00,354 They even have their own signature drink. 50 00:02:00,388 --> 00:02:01,922 It's called a "brass monkey." 51 00:02:01,955 --> 00:02:04,592 It's half a 40 with orange juice. 52 00:02:04,625 --> 00:02:06,860 [ Slurps ] Very smoky. 53 00:02:06,894 --> 00:02:08,796 Maybe it's the cigarette butt in the bottom. 54 00:02:08,829 --> 00:02:10,864 I'm just glad you guys came out to support Jeff. 55 00:02:10,898 --> 00:02:13,534 I'm so happy he's found something he's interested in. 56 00:02:13,567 --> 00:02:15,803 So, I've never been to a dog track before. 57 00:02:15,836 --> 00:02:16,937 How does this all work? 58 00:02:16,970 --> 00:02:18,506 The dogs race around the course 59 00:02:18,539 --> 00:02:20,441 by chasing after the rabbit over there. 60 00:02:20,474 --> 00:02:21,675 Its name is Wizbo. 61 00:02:21,709 --> 00:02:23,644 What?! That's a stuffed rabbit! 62 00:02:23,677 --> 00:02:25,446 Are dogs really that dumb? 63 00:02:25,479 --> 00:02:27,215 It doesn't even have eyes! 64 00:02:27,248 --> 00:02:28,649 Pop a couple raisins in its head! 65 00:02:28,682 --> 00:02:31,319 Make it look more realistic! [ Sighs ] 66 00:02:31,352 --> 00:02:33,053 You can complain about this, Klaus, 67 00:02:33,086 --> 00:02:35,389 or you can be a hero. 68 00:02:35,423 --> 00:02:36,890 [ Raisins rattle ] 69 00:02:38,526 --> 00:02:40,060 Announcer: The dogs are in their traps, 70 00:02:40,093 --> 00:02:43,297 and we're ready to go here at Chimdale Stakes. 71 00:02:43,331 --> 00:02:45,065 It's me, Tuttle, by the way. 72 00:02:45,098 --> 00:02:48,068 If you didn't know my job before, now you know! 73 00:02:48,101 --> 00:02:50,170 I'm a dog-race announcer. 74 00:02:50,204 --> 00:02:51,639 Another fact about me. 75 00:02:51,672 --> 00:02:54,708 I've yet to form an opinion about gay marriage. 76 00:02:54,742 --> 00:02:57,378 Hey, Francine! Who let the dogs out? 77 00:02:57,411 --> 00:02:59,880 I don't know. The gatekeeper? 78 00:03:04,718 --> 00:03:07,388 There you go, Mr. Wizbo. 79 00:03:07,421 --> 00:03:09,490 You have such pretty eyes now. 80 00:03:09,523 --> 00:03:11,158 Tuttle: And off goes the Wizbo! 81 00:03:11,191 --> 00:03:12,426 Aaah! 82 00:03:12,460 --> 00:03:15,496 [ Bell rings ] And there go the dogs! 83 00:03:15,529 --> 00:03:17,030 [ Growling ] 84 00:03:17,064 --> 00:03:18,065 [ Screams ] 85 00:03:18,098 --> 00:03:19,867 [ Dogs snarling ] 86 00:03:20,801 --> 00:03:22,603 Wait! They can't catch me! 87 00:03:22,636 --> 00:03:25,439 Hey, doggies! You want this butt? 88 00:03:25,473 --> 00:03:28,075 Come and get it, you dumb doggies! 89 00:03:28,108 --> 00:03:29,109 [ Growling ] 90 00:03:29,142 --> 00:03:31,545 So, as we come into the final bend, 91 00:03:31,579 --> 00:03:33,514 it's Bark Ruffalo with the lead, 92 00:03:33,547 --> 00:03:36,216 with Butt Stuff creeping in behind him. 93 00:03:36,250 --> 00:03:39,787 And -- oh! Here comes Fleabiscuit on the outside! 94 00:03:39,820 --> 00:03:41,455 He's making a run for it! 95 00:03:41,489 --> 00:03:43,291 Oh, my God! Go, go, go! 96 00:03:43,324 --> 00:03:44,792 You got this, Fleabiscuit! 97 00:03:44,825 --> 00:03:47,861 And now Fleabiscuit is right on Bark Ruffalo's tail! 98 00:03:47,895 --> 00:03:50,964 Can he do it? It'll be close, but Fleabiscuit wins! 99 00:03:50,998 --> 00:03:52,132 Fleabiscuit wins! 100 00:03:52,165 --> 00:03:53,967 Wow! What a race! 101 00:03:54,001 --> 00:03:55,969 And finishing last is Butt Stuff. 102 00:03:56,003 --> 00:03:59,307 A lot of Butt Stuff fans are gonna be sore tonight. 103 00:03:59,340 --> 00:04:00,774 I can't believe we won! 104 00:04:00,808 --> 00:04:03,277 That was the most incredible rush I've ever had! 105 00:04:03,311 --> 00:04:04,545 It was better than sex! 106 00:04:04,578 --> 00:04:07,448 -Way! -And I just won $200. 107 00:04:07,481 --> 00:04:08,816 I'm rich beyond belief. 108 00:04:08,849 --> 00:04:10,484 And that was only the first race. 109 00:04:10,518 --> 00:04:13,821 We can sit in the sun all day gambling and drinking. 110 00:04:13,854 --> 00:04:16,590 This is gonna be great for us. 111 00:04:16,624 --> 00:04:18,792 [ Panting ] Oh, my God. 112 00:04:18,826 --> 00:04:21,695 That was the most exciting thing I've ever done. 113 00:04:22,596 --> 00:04:24,932 I lost two raisins, but that's cool. 114 00:04:29,537 --> 00:04:32,673 This place looks fancy. 115 00:04:32,706 --> 00:04:34,508 I -- I don't know if they'll let Fleabiscuit in 116 00:04:34,542 --> 00:04:35,743 without a jacket. 117 00:04:35,776 --> 00:04:37,511 Jeff, you won a huge race. 118 00:04:37,545 --> 00:04:38,979 We should have a nice dinner out. 119 00:04:39,012 --> 00:04:40,848 Oh, I'm sorry, but dogs aren't 120 00:04:40,881 --> 00:04:42,149 allowed in the restaurant. 121 00:04:42,182 --> 00:04:45,419 Excuse me, sir, but this is Jeff Fisher, 122 00:04:45,453 --> 00:04:48,656 and his better half, Fleabiscuit. 123 00:04:48,689 --> 00:04:51,091 The winners of the Chimdale Stakes! 124 00:04:51,124 --> 00:04:53,327 Get them a table right away! 125 00:04:53,361 --> 00:04:54,762 Absolument! 126 00:04:54,795 --> 00:04:56,697 Wow. Thanks, Mayor Garfield. 127 00:04:56,730 --> 00:04:58,366 Is this your wife? 128 00:04:58,399 --> 00:05:00,033 You know me. It's Hayley. 129 00:05:00,067 --> 00:05:01,869 We've had many adventures together. 130 00:05:01,902 --> 00:05:04,605 Yes, yes, but I've erased all those memories 131 00:05:04,638 --> 00:05:06,774 to make new ones with Jeff! 132 00:05:06,807 --> 00:05:08,709 Now, Jeff, do you mind 133 00:05:08,742 --> 00:05:10,644 if we take a picture photo together 134 00:05:10,678 --> 00:05:13,046 using my cellphone cam-er-a? 135 00:05:13,080 --> 00:05:14,314 Sure! 136 00:05:15,716 --> 00:05:17,685 Umm... 137 00:05:18,686 --> 00:05:20,388 Oh. Hayley? 138 00:05:20,421 --> 00:05:23,357 You're -- uhh -- in the shot. 139 00:05:23,391 --> 00:05:25,793 Do you mind moving? 140 00:05:25,826 --> 00:05:27,561 [ Camera shutter clicking ] 141 00:05:27,595 --> 00:05:29,730 Que haces? Vete a la cocina! 142 00:05:29,763 --> 00:05:31,298 [ Camera shutter clicks ] 143 00:05:31,331 --> 00:05:33,501 [ Insects chirping ] 144 00:05:33,534 --> 00:05:34,902 What a day at the races. 145 00:05:34,935 --> 00:05:37,871 And that streak we went on after our first win. 146 00:05:37,905 --> 00:05:39,072 Lost nine in a row. 147 00:05:39,106 --> 00:05:41,141 All our money, my cellphone, 148 00:05:41,174 --> 00:05:42,075 and one of your shoes. 149 00:05:42,109 --> 00:05:43,844 As I see it, we have two options. 150 00:05:43,877 --> 00:05:45,546 We could go home and face the ridicule 151 00:05:45,579 --> 00:05:47,415 or live here forever. 152 00:05:47,448 --> 00:05:49,683 Let's put it to a shoe vote. 153 00:05:49,717 --> 00:05:51,351 The shoes have it. 154 00:05:51,385 --> 00:05:53,286 Welcome home, baby. 155 00:05:56,957 --> 00:06:00,928 It looks like I have the house all to myself. 156 00:06:00,961 --> 00:06:05,766 That means I can have a little naked time. 157 00:06:05,799 --> 00:06:08,101 Now, usually I don't do this, 158 00:06:08,135 --> 00:06:10,704 but I'mma go ahead and break it off 159 00:06:10,738 --> 00:06:14,107 with a little preview of my penis! 160 00:06:14,141 --> 00:06:16,043 Oh! 161 00:06:16,076 --> 00:06:18,446 ** 162 00:06:18,479 --> 00:06:20,080 [ Camera shutters clicking ] 163 00:06:20,113 --> 00:06:21,114 'Sup, thug? 164 00:06:21,148 --> 00:06:22,416 What are you doing here? 165 00:06:22,450 --> 00:06:23,917 Oh, I'm the busboy for the restaurant. 166 00:06:23,951 --> 00:06:25,018 Keeps me humble. 167 00:06:25,052 --> 00:06:26,887 Busboyin' keeps me humble. 168 00:06:26,920 --> 00:06:28,956 Looks like everyone's all over Jeff's dick 169 00:06:28,989 --> 00:06:30,724 since he won the Chimdale Stakes. 170 00:06:30,758 --> 00:06:31,759 So, how's it feel 171 00:06:31,792 --> 00:06:33,226 being the dud? Dud? 172 00:06:33,260 --> 00:06:36,063 Every relationship has a stud and a dud. 173 00:06:36,096 --> 00:06:38,799 You used to be the stud, but now you're just... 174 00:06:38,832 --> 00:06:40,634 Drumroll? Dud-dud-dud-dud -- 175 00:06:40,668 --> 00:06:42,369 Dud? Wait for it. 176 00:06:42,402 --> 00:06:44,572 Dud-dud-dud-dud -- You're gonna say "dud." 177 00:06:44,605 --> 00:06:46,807 -The dud! -Que haces? 178 00:06:46,840 --> 00:06:48,876 Vete a la cocina! This guy! 179 00:06:48,909 --> 00:06:51,011 He's always flirting with me. 180 00:06:52,846 --> 00:06:53,981 [ Cheering ] 181 00:06:54,014 --> 00:06:56,416 And with Fleabiscuit's resounding win 182 00:06:56,450 --> 00:06:57,718 in the Lanceton Downs, 183 00:06:57,751 --> 00:07:00,287 he's just one win away from the Triple Crown. 184 00:07:00,320 --> 00:07:02,490 If you didn't know the name Fleabiscuit before, 185 00:07:02,523 --> 00:07:03,957 you'll know it now! 186 00:07:03,991 --> 00:07:05,493 Just as you'll know 187 00:07:05,526 --> 00:07:07,461 his rising star trainer, Jeff Fisher! 188 00:07:07,495 --> 00:07:08,629 [ Cheering ] I know Jeff! 189 00:07:08,662 --> 00:07:10,564 He bones my daughter! 190 00:07:10,598 --> 00:07:12,232 'Sup, dud. 191 00:07:12,265 --> 00:07:14,167 -What are you -- -I'm the busboy for the tracks. 192 00:07:14,201 --> 00:07:16,069 Keeps me humble. Hayley, I can tell 193 00:07:16,103 --> 00:07:18,005 this is killing you, being the dud. 194 00:07:18,038 --> 00:07:20,107 Maybe you should get your own dog in the race? 195 00:07:20,140 --> 00:07:22,242 Get the spotlight back on old headband? 196 00:07:22,275 --> 00:07:23,744 -I don't need the spot-- -Jeff! 197 00:07:23,777 --> 00:07:24,978 Tell us how you did it! 198 00:07:25,012 --> 00:07:26,947 Well, none of this would be possible 199 00:07:26,980 --> 00:07:28,782 without one person. 200 00:07:28,816 --> 00:07:31,251 My one true inspiration. 201 00:07:31,284 --> 00:07:34,788 Stephen from "The Real World: Seattle," 202 00:07:34,822 --> 00:07:38,125 who had the courage to throw that girl with Lyme disease's 203 00:07:38,158 --> 00:07:40,393 teddy bear into the ocean. 204 00:07:42,395 --> 00:07:44,798 ** 205 00:07:44,832 --> 00:07:46,133 [ Dog barks ] You're lucky I have 206 00:07:46,166 --> 00:07:48,201 a relationship with a primo dog breeder. 207 00:07:48,235 --> 00:07:51,138 Got champion dogs everywhere from Auckland to Dubai. 208 00:07:51,171 --> 00:07:53,541 One of his pups just broke the 1,200-meter record 209 00:07:53,574 --> 00:07:54,942 in Macau last week. 210 00:07:54,975 --> 00:07:57,945 Dude's name is Roland Speargrass Fergburger. 211 00:07:57,978 --> 00:08:00,714 Oh, God. You're gonna be the dog breeder, aren't you? 212 00:08:00,748 --> 00:08:02,315 Hayley, I'm not everyone. 213 00:08:02,349 --> 00:08:04,552 But do you really think I'd be a dog breeder? 214 00:08:04,585 --> 00:08:06,820 Like I'd spend all my time hanging around a kennel 215 00:08:06,854 --> 00:08:08,388 with a bunch of dogs? 216 00:08:08,421 --> 00:08:10,724 Like I'd check them for fleas and clean out their cages 217 00:08:10,758 --> 00:08:12,560 and fill up their bowls every day? 218 00:08:12,593 --> 00:08:14,027 Me, the dog breeder? 219 00:08:14,061 --> 00:08:16,530 That's ridiculous, Hayley. 220 00:08:16,564 --> 00:08:18,331 I'm the dog. 221 00:08:23,937 --> 00:08:25,839 [ Sniffing ] 222 00:08:25,873 --> 00:08:27,908 Meh, I don't know if I want to go on this one. 223 00:08:27,941 --> 00:08:30,911 Smells like someone already peed here. 224 00:08:30,944 --> 00:08:33,547 Yep. Tastes like pee. 225 00:08:33,581 --> 00:08:34,948 Yuck. 226 00:08:36,349 --> 00:08:39,186 So, how did you become a race dog? 227 00:08:39,219 --> 00:08:40,420 Hold on to your knockers 228 00:08:40,453 --> 00:08:43,557 'cause it's a pretty heart-warming tale. 229 00:08:43,591 --> 00:08:45,593 Narrator: He was originally cast as Eddie, 230 00:08:45,626 --> 00:08:47,194 the dog from "Frasier," 231 00:08:47,227 --> 00:08:50,197 but soon, he discovered his real talent -- 232 00:08:50,230 --> 00:08:53,266 running fast to escape the advances of Kelsey Grammer. 233 00:08:53,300 --> 00:08:56,169 Nobody says no to the Gram-Man! 234 00:08:56,203 --> 00:08:59,039 You're saying Kelsey Grammer has sex with dogs? 235 00:08:59,072 --> 00:09:00,874 Yeah. Niles bangs turtles. 236 00:09:00,908 --> 00:09:02,442 Everyone in Hollywood knows this stuff. 237 00:09:02,475 --> 00:09:05,245 Oh, hey, babe. Hey, who's this? 238 00:09:05,278 --> 00:09:06,714 This is my new race dog. 239 00:09:06,747 --> 00:09:08,548 His name's... 240 00:09:08,582 --> 00:09:09,617 [ Whispers ] Ryan. 241 00:09:09,650 --> 00:09:10,718 Ryan. 242 00:09:10,751 --> 00:09:13,120 Really, that's it? 243 00:09:13,153 --> 00:09:15,555 I -- I didn't know you were racing now. 244 00:09:15,589 --> 00:09:18,258 I figured since you could do it, I'd try it out. 245 00:09:18,291 --> 00:09:21,561 O-okay, but racing's not easy. 246 00:09:21,595 --> 00:09:24,264 Not everyone has what I have with Fleabiscuit. 247 00:09:24,297 --> 00:09:26,634 We got a special bond, don't we, boy? 248 00:09:26,667 --> 00:09:28,068 [ Smooching ] 249 00:09:28,101 --> 00:09:30,771 Yeah, well, I've got a special bond with my dog, too. 250 00:09:30,804 --> 00:09:33,807 [ Smooching ] Oh, Ryan! 251 00:09:33,841 --> 00:09:35,943 Oh, yeah, you're such a good boy, 252 00:09:35,976 --> 00:09:38,411 aren't you, Fleabiscuit? Oh, good boy! 253 00:09:38,445 --> 00:09:40,047 You're the best thing that's ever happened to me! 254 00:09:40,080 --> 00:09:42,816 Oh, yes, and you have a super active tongue! 255 00:09:42,850 --> 00:09:44,618 Oh, my! 256 00:09:44,652 --> 00:09:45,819 [ Groaning ] 257 00:09:45,853 --> 00:09:49,823 Okay, so we're gonna head home! 258 00:09:49,857 --> 00:09:52,760 [ Humming ] 259 00:09:52,793 --> 00:09:56,096 Or just go to the park. 260 00:09:56,864 --> 00:09:58,799 Ugh. Let's get to work! 261 00:09:58,832 --> 00:10:00,100 Ugh. Fine. 262 00:10:00,133 --> 00:10:01,935 But why does your mouth taste like beets? 263 00:10:01,969 --> 00:10:03,136 It's 9:00 a.m. 264 00:10:03,170 --> 00:10:05,005 Are you an early-morning beet eater? 265 00:10:05,038 --> 00:10:07,007 That's insane. You're insane. 266 00:10:07,040 --> 00:10:08,275 But I'm insane, too. 267 00:10:08,308 --> 00:10:10,610 Insane for that big beet flavor! 268 00:10:10,644 --> 00:10:12,012 [ Muffled scream ] 269 00:10:12,045 --> 00:10:13,613 [ Green Day's "Nice Guys Finish Last" plays ] 270 00:10:13,647 --> 00:10:14,948 * Nice guys finish last 271 00:10:14,982 --> 00:10:17,617 * You're running out of gas 272 00:10:17,651 --> 00:10:22,322 [ Air horn blows ] * Your sympathy will get you left behind * 273 00:10:23,056 --> 00:10:25,358 * Sometimes you're at your best * 274 00:10:25,392 --> 00:10:27,594 * When you feel the worst 275 00:10:27,627 --> 00:10:31,431 * You feel washed up like piss going down the drain * 276 00:10:31,464 --> 00:10:33,533 Not fast enough! One more lap! 277 00:10:33,566 --> 00:10:35,703 I wish I could, Haley, but Cheryl and Lindsay 278 00:10:35,736 --> 00:10:37,037 are going to the mall in an hour. 279 00:10:37,070 --> 00:10:38,471 And if I don't go with them, 280 00:10:38,505 --> 00:10:40,507 they're just gonna talk shit about me the whole time. 281 00:10:40,540 --> 00:10:42,710 [ Motor buzzing ] Look who took the last can 282 00:10:42,743 --> 00:10:46,379 of Diet A&W Cream Soda from your personal fridge? 283 00:10:46,413 --> 00:10:48,048 ** 284 00:10:48,081 --> 00:10:50,283 [ Barking ] * Nice guys finish last 285 00:10:50,317 --> 00:10:52,619 * When you are the outcast 286 00:10:52,652 --> 00:10:54,221 * Don't pat yourself on the back * 287 00:10:54,254 --> 00:10:55,889 You better run faster! 288 00:10:55,923 --> 00:10:58,025 I'm opening it! [ Slurps ] 289 00:10:58,058 --> 00:11:00,227 Ooh, it's a good batch, too! 290 00:11:00,260 --> 00:11:02,730 * You're shaking lots of hands * 291 00:11:02,763 --> 00:11:06,666 * You're kissing up and bleeding all your trust * 292 00:11:06,700 --> 00:11:07,901 Come on, Ryan! 293 00:11:07,935 --> 00:11:11,004 * Taking what you need 294 00:11:11,038 --> 00:11:12,405 * Bite the hand that feeds 295 00:11:12,439 --> 00:11:13,807 Whoo-hoo! 296 00:11:13,841 --> 00:11:17,177 * You lose your memory, and you got no shame * 297 00:11:17,210 --> 00:11:20,513 Whoo-hoo! * Oh, nice guys finish last 298 00:11:20,547 --> 00:11:23,483 [ Growling ] * When you run out of gas 299 00:11:23,516 --> 00:11:25,919 I won again! Where are my groupies at? 300 00:11:25,953 --> 00:11:31,024 I want to make love to you and never call you back, like a dog! 301 00:11:31,058 --> 00:11:33,226 [ Song ends ] 302 00:11:33,260 --> 00:11:34,728 Congratulations. 303 00:11:34,762 --> 00:11:37,564 Your dog just qualified for the Langley Derby. 304 00:11:37,597 --> 00:11:39,399 Oh, my God! Did you hear that, Ryan? 305 00:11:39,432 --> 00:11:41,434 We're going to the derby! 306 00:11:41,468 --> 00:11:43,336 [ Moaning ] 307 00:11:43,370 --> 00:11:46,907 Oh, so you're one of those dog owners? 308 00:11:46,940 --> 00:11:48,575 I'll let you two have your privacy. 309 00:11:48,608 --> 00:11:50,543 [ Moaning ] 310 00:11:54,447 --> 00:11:55,415 [ Slurping ] 311 00:11:55,448 --> 00:11:57,450 Francine! Look what I just stole 312 00:11:57,484 --> 00:11:58,952 from people in the stands! 313 00:11:58,986 --> 00:12:02,255 A Velcro wallet, $13, and an Invisalign! 314 00:12:03,156 --> 00:12:04,524 See, the beauty of this thing 315 00:12:04,557 --> 00:12:06,960 is that it's impossible to see that I'm wearing it! 316 00:12:06,994 --> 00:12:09,462 And I pickpocketed so many tampons, 317 00:12:09,496 --> 00:12:11,364 I can have a period forever! 318 00:12:11,398 --> 00:12:13,967 God, I love living at the track with you! 319 00:12:14,001 --> 00:12:16,336 Let's do it in the dirt! 320 00:12:18,171 --> 00:12:20,507 [ Moaning ] 321 00:12:22,943 --> 00:12:24,577 Greg Corbin here with Chimdale Stakes 322 00:12:24,611 --> 00:12:27,147 and Lanceton Downs champion Fleabiscuit 323 00:12:27,180 --> 00:12:29,282 and his owner and trainer, Jeff Fisher. 324 00:12:29,316 --> 00:12:30,650 Hi, Jeff. Hi, Gerg! 325 00:12:30,683 --> 00:12:33,320 Jeff, you're one win away from the Triple Crown. 326 00:12:33,353 --> 00:12:34,654 Tell me, what's your secret? 327 00:12:34,687 --> 00:12:36,489 Oh, well, I kind of just bring Fleabiscuit 328 00:12:36,523 --> 00:12:38,658 to the track and let him run, and that's pretty much it. 329 00:12:38,691 --> 00:12:40,493 Well, between you and your wife, Hayley, 330 00:12:40,527 --> 00:12:42,329 there must be something in the water here. 331 00:12:42,362 --> 00:12:44,397 That's right. Wait, Hayley? 332 00:12:44,431 --> 00:12:46,299 Her dog, Ryan, is the newest entrant 333 00:12:46,333 --> 00:12:47,600 in the Langley Derby! 334 00:12:47,634 --> 00:12:49,136 Did you not know? 335 00:12:49,169 --> 00:12:50,337 Oh, my. 336 00:12:50,370 --> 00:12:52,605 Your own wife competing against you. 337 00:12:52,639 --> 00:12:54,507 Quick, zoom in. See if we can get tears. 338 00:12:54,541 --> 00:12:56,276 How does that make you feel? 339 00:12:58,311 --> 00:13:00,914 You know there's a zoom function on the camera, Charlie. 340 00:13:00,948 --> 00:13:03,150 This is my way! 341 00:13:04,885 --> 00:13:06,519 Damn it. Hayley's home. 342 00:13:06,553 --> 00:13:08,321 But I need a healthy snack. 343 00:13:08,355 --> 00:13:10,958 Looks like I got myself a naked challenge! 344 00:13:10,991 --> 00:13:12,092 [ Door opens ] 345 00:13:12,125 --> 00:13:13,526 You're racing against me? 346 00:13:13,560 --> 00:13:15,662 So what? It's not a big deal. 347 00:13:15,695 --> 00:13:16,696 It's a huge deal! 348 00:13:16,729 --> 00:13:18,365 Why would you do this to me, Hayley?! 349 00:13:18,398 --> 00:13:20,467 I'm one win away from the Triple Crown! 350 00:13:20,500 --> 00:13:22,502 I know you think that you're a "big shot" now, 351 00:13:22,535 --> 00:13:24,471 but not everything is about you, Jeff! 352 00:13:24,504 --> 00:13:26,539 This is the most important race of my career! 353 00:13:26,573 --> 00:13:28,375 You don't even have a career! 354 00:13:28,408 --> 00:13:30,043 I know what this is about! 355 00:13:30,077 --> 00:13:32,145 I finally found something I'm good at, 356 00:13:32,179 --> 00:13:34,047 and you're trying to take it away from me! 357 00:13:34,081 --> 00:13:36,283 What?! [ Scoffs ] That's crazy. 358 00:13:36,316 --> 00:13:38,151 You're jealous of me, so you're trying to 359 00:13:38,185 --> 00:13:39,652 horn in on my thing. 360 00:13:39,686 --> 00:13:41,154 Well, sorry to break it to you, 361 00:13:41,188 --> 00:13:42,355 but it's not gonna work. 362 00:13:42,389 --> 00:13:45,392 And why is your brother naked?! 363 00:13:45,926 --> 00:13:49,229 Whoa! 364 00:13:49,262 --> 00:13:52,065 You guys are so high. 365 00:13:52,099 --> 00:13:56,436 You think this is really happening. 366 00:14:00,607 --> 00:14:02,075 I'm still mad at you. 367 00:14:02,109 --> 00:14:04,144 But I gotta admit, it's pretty cool 368 00:14:04,177 --> 00:14:07,580 that your brother draws on his pubic hair. 369 00:14:10,017 --> 00:14:11,418 Roger. 370 00:14:11,451 --> 00:14:14,654 I need you to win the derby. 371 00:14:14,687 --> 00:14:15,555 Mmkay. 372 00:14:15,588 --> 00:14:17,490 I need you to do anything 373 00:14:17,524 --> 00:14:18,892 to beat Fleabiscuit and win. 374 00:14:18,926 --> 00:14:20,227 Do you understand me? 375 00:14:20,260 --> 00:14:21,761 Anything! 376 00:14:21,794 --> 00:14:22,695 Mm-hmm. 377 00:14:22,729 --> 00:14:24,597 Well, I mean, anything except -- 378 00:14:24,631 --> 00:14:26,366 don't kill him or anything. 379 00:14:26,399 --> 00:14:27,935 Hayley, who do you think I am?! 380 00:14:27,968 --> 00:14:29,436 Some kind of cold-blooded killer? 381 00:14:29,469 --> 00:14:31,404 I'm not a monster! Geez! 382 00:14:31,438 --> 00:14:32,739 [ Sighs ] I'm sorry, Roger. 383 00:14:32,772 --> 00:14:34,241 I-I didn't mean to -- I'm just kidding. 384 00:14:34,274 --> 00:14:35,542 You were right to clarify. 385 00:14:35,575 --> 00:14:38,378 I would have -- I would have killed him. 386 00:14:41,982 --> 00:14:45,718 [ "Call to the Post" plays ] 387 00:14:45,752 --> 00:14:48,521 And good afternoon from the Langley Derby! 388 00:14:48,555 --> 00:14:51,624 Today, little Fleabiscuit goes for the Triple Crown! 389 00:14:51,658 --> 00:14:54,694 Will he have what it takes to lift that trophy? 390 00:14:54,727 --> 00:14:56,296 Oh, look. There's a dog on it. 391 00:14:56,329 --> 00:14:57,597 That seems right. 392 00:14:57,630 --> 00:14:59,866 And here come the competitors! 393 00:14:59,899 --> 00:15:01,634 [ Cheers and applause ] There's Hot Chunks! 394 00:15:01,668 --> 00:15:04,537 Turtle Face! Cheesecake is my enemy! 395 00:15:04,571 --> 00:15:06,073 Ryan! Are we all good? 396 00:15:06,106 --> 00:15:07,274 Took care of it. 397 00:15:07,307 --> 00:15:09,542 And last but certainly not least, 398 00:15:09,576 --> 00:15:13,146 the champion and heavy favorite, Fleabiscuit! 399 00:15:13,180 --> 00:15:19,552 [ Cheers and applause ] 400 00:15:19,586 --> 00:15:22,289 Fleabiscuit, are you all right, boy? 401 00:15:22,322 --> 00:15:23,723 What'd you do, poison him? 402 00:15:23,756 --> 00:15:25,492 God, no, I just slept with his girlfriend 403 00:15:25,525 --> 00:15:27,327 and showed him the video. 404 00:15:27,360 --> 00:15:29,296 What do you think, huh? 405 00:15:29,329 --> 00:15:32,332 Oh, shoot. I wanted to show you the one with music. 406 00:15:32,365 --> 00:15:34,101 [ "William Tell Overture" playing ] 407 00:15:34,134 --> 00:15:36,503 [ Fleabiscuit whining ] 408 00:15:38,338 --> 00:15:40,173 Good dog. 409 00:15:40,207 --> 00:15:42,075 Now let's win this thing. 410 00:15:42,109 --> 00:15:43,676 Great card today. 411 00:15:43,710 --> 00:15:46,179 Even though Ryan's a roughie, I want him across the board. 412 00:15:46,213 --> 00:15:48,615 How much you wanna wager? 413 00:15:48,648 --> 00:15:51,451 Three cough drops and, uh, six Altoids. 414 00:15:51,484 --> 00:15:52,685 If you don't have money, 415 00:15:52,719 --> 00:15:54,187 then you can't place bets here. 416 00:15:54,221 --> 00:15:55,455 What, is the Langley Derby 417 00:15:55,488 --> 00:15:58,358 too good for a Burger King coupon? 418 00:15:58,391 --> 00:16:00,627 [ Gasps ] Why didn't you say so, sir? 419 00:16:00,660 --> 00:16:03,563 Right this way to the BK Royalty Lounge! 420 00:16:04,897 --> 00:16:07,900 Oh, my gosh. I should straighten up. 421 00:16:12,305 --> 00:16:13,373 You're old. 422 00:16:13,406 --> 00:16:14,707 -[ Growls ] -You're ugly. 423 00:16:14,741 --> 00:16:17,344 -[ Growls ] -You smell like Funyuns. 424 00:16:17,377 --> 00:16:19,046 -[ Growls ] -Your girlfriend's a slut. 425 00:16:19,079 --> 00:16:21,148 -[ Whines ] -Actually, the Funyun smell's 426 00:16:21,181 --> 00:16:22,382 coming from you. 427 00:16:22,415 --> 00:16:26,386 I'm sorry, dog number 3! I hope you win! 428 00:16:26,419 --> 00:16:27,620 [ Motor buzzing ] 429 00:16:27,654 --> 00:16:28,888 Who am I? 430 00:16:28,921 --> 00:16:31,724 I'm the Wizbo, bitch. 431 00:16:31,758 --> 00:16:35,562 Tuttle: So! Will Fleabiscuit make history today? 432 00:16:35,595 --> 00:16:38,498 Do historians even follow dog racing? 433 00:16:38,531 --> 00:16:40,633 All these questions will be answered 434 00:16:40,667 --> 00:16:44,737 at the Langley Derby Racetrack and Check Cashing Emporium! 435 00:16:44,771 --> 00:16:47,540 [ Motor buzzing ] And off goes the Wizbo! 436 00:16:47,574 --> 00:16:51,344 [ Laughs ] Bite my ass, ass-biters! 437 00:16:51,378 --> 00:16:53,580 [ Bell rings ] And there go the dogs! 438 00:16:53,613 --> 00:16:55,148 [ Whining ] Oh, my. 439 00:16:55,182 --> 00:16:57,850 It looks like the pressure's got to little Fleabiscuit. 440 00:16:57,884 --> 00:16:59,152 He's barely running. 441 00:16:59,186 --> 00:17:00,820 Fleabiscuit, what's wrong? 442 00:17:00,853 --> 00:17:03,690 And out to an early lead is Ryan. 443 00:17:04,757 --> 00:17:07,260 Let's go, Ryan! Yeah! 444 00:17:07,294 --> 00:17:08,761 Who's the dog now? 445 00:17:08,795 --> 00:17:10,663 Tuttle: And starting to stretch the lead, it's Ryan! 446 00:17:10,697 --> 00:17:14,767 Yeah! Things are gonna be different now! 447 00:17:14,801 --> 00:17:17,770 [ Laughs evilly ] 448 00:17:19,306 --> 00:17:21,774 [ Wistful music plays ] 449 00:17:21,808 --> 00:17:26,446 ** 450 00:17:26,479 --> 00:17:30,083 Where did all the maniacal laughter go? 451 00:17:30,883 --> 00:17:33,553 That last one was a little sad. 452 00:17:33,586 --> 00:17:36,889 Wait. I don't want things to be different. 453 00:17:39,092 --> 00:17:41,761 I don't understand. I thought I was good at this. 454 00:17:41,794 --> 00:17:45,332 Tuttle: And it's Ryan around the final bend. 455 00:17:46,166 --> 00:17:49,369 Look at you stupid greyhounds. You're so weird-looking. 456 00:17:49,402 --> 00:17:51,504 That's why no one wants you as pets. 457 00:17:52,472 --> 00:17:53,440 [ Click ] 458 00:17:53,473 --> 00:17:55,041 [ Screech! ] 459 00:17:55,074 --> 00:17:56,309 Uh-oh, SpaghettiOs! 460 00:17:56,343 --> 00:17:57,544 Get him! 461 00:17:57,577 --> 00:17:59,646 I didn't mean any of it! I love dogs! 462 00:17:59,679 --> 00:18:01,281 No one respects dogs more than me! 463 00:18:01,314 --> 00:18:02,482 Aah! 464 00:18:02,515 --> 00:18:04,251 Oh, my goodness! 465 00:18:04,284 --> 00:18:05,485 The dogs have stopped racing 466 00:18:05,518 --> 00:18:06,919 and are now attacking the rabbit. 467 00:18:06,953 --> 00:18:09,322 [ Growling ] Not the fins! Not the fins! 468 00:18:09,356 --> 00:18:10,790 Not the fins! 469 00:18:10,823 --> 00:18:11,791 [ Screams ] 470 00:18:11,824 --> 00:18:13,426 Tuttle: he only one not caught up 471 00:18:13,460 --> 00:18:15,495 in this madness, is Fleabiscuit! 472 00:18:15,528 --> 00:18:18,731 Oh, my God! Go, Fleabiscuit, go! 473 00:18:18,765 --> 00:18:20,600 Come on, Fleabiscuit, run! 474 00:18:20,633 --> 00:18:22,935 Babe, why are you rooting for Fleabiscuit? 475 00:18:22,969 --> 00:18:25,338 I'm not. I'm rooting for you. 476 00:18:25,372 --> 00:18:28,241 Fleabiscuit, do it for Darlene! 477 00:18:28,275 --> 00:18:34,647 * Whoa, my love 478 00:18:34,681 --> 00:18:38,685 * My darling 479 00:18:38,718 --> 00:18:40,653 * I've hung-- 480 00:18:40,687 --> 00:18:42,021 I don't know what happened, 481 00:18:42,054 --> 00:18:44,624 but Fleabiscuit's finally turned it on! 482 00:18:44,657 --> 00:18:46,359 [ Growling ] Wait. What am I doing? 483 00:18:46,393 --> 00:18:47,827 I'm not one of these idiot mutts. 484 00:18:47,860 --> 00:18:50,330 I'm a frickin' alien. I'm gonna win this race! 485 00:18:50,863 --> 00:18:53,700 And now Ryan's pulled himself out of the dog pile! 486 00:18:53,733 --> 00:18:57,036 He's got his sights on the finish line! 487 00:18:59,872 --> 00:19:04,043 Ryan's oh-so-close, but he's hot-dogging it down the stretch. 488 00:19:04,076 --> 00:19:07,214 [ Cheering ] 489 00:19:07,247 --> 00:19:13,853 ** 490 00:19:13,886 --> 00:19:20,059 ** 491 00:19:20,092 --> 00:19:22,329 They're loving this! Let's see. What else? 492 00:19:22,362 --> 00:19:24,864 Oh, moonwalk. 493 00:19:24,897 --> 00:19:26,566 Oh, crap. 494 00:19:26,599 --> 00:19:28,368 [ Cheers and applause ] 495 00:19:28,401 --> 00:19:30,737 He's done it! Fleabiscuit's won! 496 00:19:30,770 --> 00:19:33,906 Fleabiscuit's won the Triple Crown! 497 00:19:33,940 --> 00:19:37,009 [ Cheering ] 498 00:19:37,043 --> 00:19:40,580 I've never loved you more in my life! 499 00:19:40,613 --> 00:19:42,682 [ Moaning ] 500 00:19:43,850 --> 00:19:46,319 [ Camera shutters clicking ] 501 00:19:46,353 --> 00:19:48,755 As Mayor of Langley Falls, 502 00:19:48,788 --> 00:19:52,425 I am delighted to award this trophy 503 00:19:52,459 --> 00:19:54,594 to the first Triple Crown winner 504 00:19:54,627 --> 00:19:56,929 since 1943, 505 00:19:56,963 --> 00:19:59,599 Fleabiscuit and Jeff Fisher! 506 00:19:59,632 --> 00:20:02,101 [ Cheers and applause ] 507 00:20:02,134 --> 00:20:03,736 Thanks, Mayor G. 508 00:20:03,770 --> 00:20:05,104 I just wanna say, 509 00:20:05,137 --> 00:20:07,940 I couldn't have done it without Hayley. 510 00:20:07,974 --> 00:20:09,609 So, what's next for you, Jeff? 511 00:20:09,642 --> 00:20:11,778 Well, I'm gonna retire from racing. 512 00:20:11,811 --> 00:20:14,281 I'd like to spend more time with my wife. 513 00:20:14,314 --> 00:20:15,682 And I think Fleabiscuit's got 514 00:20:15,715 --> 00:20:17,950 more important things on his mind. 515 00:20:17,984 --> 00:20:21,153 * Oh 516 00:20:23,923 --> 00:20:29,862 * I need your love 517 00:20:29,896 --> 00:20:32,632 [ Crickets chirping ] 518 00:20:33,566 --> 00:20:34,801 [ Screaming ] 519 00:20:34,834 --> 00:20:36,469 Steve, why are you naked?! 520 00:20:36,503 --> 00:20:38,738 Well, why are you -- what are you? 521 00:20:38,771 --> 00:20:39,972 We don't have to answer to you! 522 00:20:40,006 --> 00:20:41,808 We're racetrack royalty. 523 00:20:41,841 --> 00:20:43,810 Please, everyone, shut up. 524 00:20:43,843 --> 00:20:46,579 I'm in so much pain. 525 00:20:46,613 --> 00:20:49,749 I'm ready to die. 526 00:20:50,450 --> 00:20:53,653 [ Heavenly music playing ] 527 00:20:53,686 --> 00:20:56,523 God: Oh, hell, no. 528 00:21:00,327 --> 00:21:02,228 Aww. 529 00:21:02,261 --> 00:21:04,196 Bye! Have a great time!