[ Laughing ]
What's so funny, dear?
The Memaris got robbed.
Huh, serves them right.
I saw them bragging about
their new "smart TV" on Facebook.
[ Laughing ] Not smart enough to keep its owners
from getting brutally pistol-whipped.
[ Laughs ] But seriously, ever since I just heard about
the Memari incident, I've been thinking about
looking into a home security system.
Oh, I don't know, Stan.
We've already got that stick in the sliding window.
Plus, you're always packing.
True. [ Gun cocks ]
Bam, bam, bam!
But I shan't always be around
to keep you safe.
[ Gun fires ]
What is all the racket in here?
Stick, no!
Look, Stan, if it makes you feel better,
I'll call TBD Security Company for a consultation.
Guess what? I've been accepted into
a class at Groff Community College.
They're letting me take Introduction to Architecture.
It's going to be -- What the hell happened to Stick?
He's all messed up! I don't know.
Klaus: Stick, I'm home.
Oh, God. Klaus.
Klaus, buddy, we have to talk about Stick.
Why? Where's Stick?
Klaus, I'm sorry. I don't want to talk to you.
I want to talk to Stick!
Where's Stick?! Where's Stick?!!
[ Both chuckle ]
♪♪
♪ Good morning, U.S.A.
♪ I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
♪ The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪
♪ And he's shinin' a salute to the American race ♪
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say
♪ Good -- ♪ Good morning, U.S.A.
Aah!
♪ Good morning, U.S.A.
[ Doorbell rings ]
Hi, I'm Vicky from TBD Security.
There's a lady here!
-Oh, hi. You must be -- -Vicky, from TBD Security.
Oh, Vicky, hey. Stan. I'm famous for my open mind,
and we're excited to hear your proposal,
but I have a sinking feeling
it's going to be terribly inadequate.
Vicky, I can already see that this isn't
going well for you.
So you're telling me, with your system,
a bad guy couldn't get to that window?
The motion detectors will pick up
anything approaching the wall.
Until you get within 10 inches, correct?
Yes, but... But what if, Vicky,
they tunnel right up to the wall,
pop up right here inside that 10-inch pocket?
You'd still have to climb up,
never getting more than 10 inches from the wall.
Like this?
And now, it's just a matter of coming in the window.
It's a very small window, honey.
Maybe it's better if you don't --
Don't what?
Dislocate my shoulder so I can fit through?
Like any half-decent second-floor man would?
[ Grunts ]
Aaah!
Like this?
Now, to collect your jewels.
I think your system will be plenty.
Ha-ha, these treasury bonds are mine.
Wow, first day of college. Soak it in, Steve.
You'll be boring people with stories about this
for the rest of your life.
What's up?
Wait, you're in this class?
Uh, yeah. Looks that way.
What's, um, class is this?
How do you not know?
I just keep signing up for whatever
is in this lecture hall.
They ought to name it after me.
[ Chuckles ] That's now it works, Hayley.
They're not just going to rename
Denise Richards Hall.
Ladies and gentlemen, if you could take your seats.
And start your engines, right, Hale?
Oh, she's asleep. [ Snores ]
By the end of Architecture 101,
you will all know the answer to this question --
Is a car a building?
You don't need to worry, honey.
The new security system is more than enough.
Just focus on your work in San Francisco,
and I'll see you in a couple of days.
-Okay. You be safe. -I will.
I'm arming the alarm system right now.
Everyone, I turned on the alarm!
Don't leave your room!
Roger: But I forgot my mouth guard in the bathroom!
[ Beeping ]
Go get it quickly!
[ Door opens, footsteps running, door slams ]
Well, got my mouth guard stuck in my butt again.
Just -- Just go to bed!
Did you know that the Sizzler on Route 6 is a landmark?
Frank Lloyd Wright designed it.
Man, I'm going to nail this test tomorrow.
Hey, you're in college.
You better be nailing something.
Boom! Sounds like you're starting to get over Stick.
[ Sobs ]
[ Creaking ]
What was that?
[ Creaking continues ]
Hello?
[ Dramatic chord strikes ]
[ Screams ]
[ Dramatic music plays ]
[ Upbeat rock music plays ]
♪ I think I'll go for a walk outside now ♪
♪ The summer sun's calling my name ♪
♪ I hear you now
[ Screaming ]
Now, that's the fear I wanted
when I was telling you we needed a better security system.
Oh, man. We got them but good.
Did we ever! We got you so good.
Had to teach you a lesson, babe.
By the way, happy birthday.
You probably thought I forgot.
Two minutes till midnight.
Swish, count it.
Why?! Why would you do this?
Why? What about how?
How I appeared to be in San Francisco?
Through the magic of posters.
Hey, Joe Montana.
Let's take a cable car to Rice-A-Roni City.
Now I'm back in Langley.
I wonder if I'll ever see the Bay again.
Of course I will.
From Knob Hill to the Mission, this city has got a pulse,
and I'm proud to call it my home.
-Dad is a psycho. -Coit Tower shines
like a beacon. [ Laughs ]
-Mom, are you okay? -I'm furious.
-You should be. -At myself.
-What?! -What? -Yes!
-Your father warned me we weren't going to be safe,
and I was too doggone stubborn to listen.
Your mother is right.
Stan, I want you to stop at nothing
to make sure this house is safe.
Of course, honey. Consider it done.
[ Chainsaw motor whirring ] Who's ready to die?!
Shit, I'm late.
94, a solid A-frame.
Architecture joke, you wouldn't understand.
Heh, 69.
That's a 96!
96? That's butt to feet.
Freaky-deaky.
I work my little ass off for everything I get,
and you just show up and sail through?
You remind me of my friend Nerfer.
She's also a little bitch about everything.
Hayley's smart?
She has a friend named Nerfer?
I don't know how many more bombshells I can take.
Excuse me, I'm building my own home security system.
Where do you keep your turrets for, like,
a Browning 50-cal?
Yeah, we don't carry military-grade weaponry.
Hmm, how about blow darts and bear traps?
Those are over by plumbing.
Thanks.
Hmm.
Are you joking me?
No. Plumbing is full of crap.
Plumbing, full of crap...
You are making a joke.
No, I'm not. I swear.
I want to trust you, but I've been burned before.
How about I take you to aisle seven?
Oh, that would be really helpful.
This place is so hard to navigate.
I'm John, by the way.
[ Whispering ] And I'm the man who
turned you into a clown.
No!
[ Laughs ]
You're the world's most perfect fool.
[ Drill whirring ]
Security system is all done.
Look at this baby. Could a clown have done this?
Not that anybody has ever called me a clown.
People respect me wherever I go.
Clown. [ Laughs ]
I'm glad it's finished.
I've had a hard time sleeping since the home invasion.
Ah, you mean the eye-opening demonstration.
Yes, there are a lot of things out there
that can hurt you, but now they can't get in.
[ Beep ]
Randomized laser grid.
Turret-mounted rail gun on the roof,
and an oh-so-delicious cheeseburger
dangling on the edge of an industrial-grade wood chipper.
That will turn any meat-loving home invader into mulch,
and controlling it all, I'd like you to meet...
Voice: Hello, my name is Stan.
You named it after yourself?
No, it's S-T-A-A-N,
Secured Tactical Alarm Administrator...N.
What's the "N" stand for?
Nothing, just makes it like my name.
I named it after myself.
Mmm, that new Italian restaurant's cacio de pepe
looks delicious.
Mmm, tastes just like the other place.
We have another test tomorrow,
and she's not even studying.
How is she doing better than me?
Sounds like what she's doing in class
is what's known as passive absorption.
She's letting her subconscious
collect all the information.
You should try it.
Passive absorption...
You're already overthinking it!
Just chill.
Let's put on some Sade and make a pillow fort.
I'm in.
This is the first day of the rest of my super-chill life.
And this is the last day of my super-chill life.
Ah, so many memories.
Why, there was that one time where my dad installed
an alarm system at the house.
STAAN, confirm the house is safe.
[ Scanner whirring ]
-All clear. -Oh.
[ Barking in distance ]
What the hell was that?
What are you doing, girl? You going to sit down?
No? Just crouching?
Oh, my God!
What is coming out of the back of this dog?
Gross!
There's a man walking his dog on our lawn.
What if he's using the dog to case our house?
I read the Moroccan army uses monkeys to test land mines.
STAAN, protect us against small animals and Moroccans.
STAAN: Affirmative.
[ Gunfire ]
[ Music playing in distance ]
Come out, come out.
Get your midnight falafel!
The brown crunchy jewel of Marrakesh.
[ Gunfire ] [ Screams ]
[ Engine revs ]
[ Gunfire continues ]
Unknown party at the door.
[ Gasps ]
Oh, that's just my regular walking group.
They're okay, right?
STAAN, run a background check on Al Tuttle.
Albert Tuttle took a defensive driving class in 1994.
[ Gasps ] That's right before the Oklahoma City bombing.
That can't be a coincidence.
Mrs. Lonstein: Francine, open up. I got to take a pisch.
Esther Lonstein has ties to the Boys and Girls Club,
a known socialist group.
Oh, my God!
I wish I had 100 doors between me and them.
Would you like me to raise threat level?
Yes. Would you like to donate
10 cents to March of Dimes?
Mmm, uh...
Possible threat detected.
Stop detecting threats and eliminate them!
Side door delivery,
taking it straight to the doors that matter.
Oh, a cheeseburger!
[ Screams ]
Ahh! It's so relaxing to finally feel pure safety.
STAAN: Threat detected.
No!
Protect Mommy!
Follow emergency lights to panic room.
A panic room?
I guess that could be helpful if I ever panic!
[ Sighs ] All right. Let's see what it is.
Show me the threat.
Um, I think there's been a mistake, STAAN.
That's just Stan.
STAAN: Correct. He is the most dangerous
threat to your safety, and I must eliminate him.
[ Ominous music plays ]
Finally started watching Starz.
I'm a Starz man, now.
So many almost-good shows.
Just watched them all, "Black Sails,"
"DaVinci's Demons," "Survivor's Remorse."
Of course, there's no one to talk to about them
because us Starz men are a rare breed,
but that's the curse of a Starz man.
Well, I -- I don't know if I'm a Starz man, exactly.
Roger! Stan!
Oh, I thought I was alone.
I'm embarrassed now.
I was expecting some deliveries today.
You see anything?
Where's Francine? Francine?
Talking Starz?
That show "Outlander" is outlandish, am I right?
In a good way.
Klaus, you know the rules.
Before you say anything to me,
you have to try it out on Twitter first
and get four likes.
I don't have enough followers.
Them's the rules. You don't like it?
Take it up with society.
But that's Stan. You can't eliminate him.
That's -- that's crazy.
STAAN: Is it, Francine?
Stan's no threat to me.
He filled you with fear.
He infected you with panic,
and he trapped you in a prison of his own design.
Huh, that's true. I have been stressed,
even grinding my teeth a little lately.
Ith Stan to blame for thith?
Steve: Passive absorption, bring me that "A."
Time to access the information from chilling with Klaus.
Klaus: ♪ No need to ask, you're a smooth operator ♪
♪ You're freaking smooth
♪ You operator
Come dance with me in the pillow fort, Steve!
Lose the shirt, prude.
There you go. Look at that belly.
Steve: Oh, shit!
I didn't absorb anything about architecture.
Klaus: ♪ Turn your eyes towards your sister's answers ♪
♪ Oh, you better cheat, you better cheat off her paper ♪
♪ You better cheat off her paper ♪
Stan, sit down.
Klaus and I are trying to solve Stick's murder.
The police are sitting on their damn hands!
I've been home for half an hour
and haven't had my cactus cooler
or tray of Vienna sausages.
Where's the woman who brings them to me?
Francine? That's the one.
Where is she?
I shall seek her out upstairs.
[ Alarm beeps ]
Aah! [ Grunts ]
STAAN, what are you doing?
STAAN: Eliminating threat to Francine.
Wait, it thinks I'm a threat?
Light show!
♪ I took a pill in Ibi--
Aah! Stan, look it!
We should get out of here.
♪♪
Basement!
Hey, guys, don't forget me!
Ooh, very "Dark Side of the Moon."
Ooh, very dangerous for Klaus.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. We've got to shut this down.
STAAN: Manual override requires password input.
[ Groans ] Is there a password hint?
The password is your address.
You mean I just enter my address to disable you?
Oh, my God. What is it?
Something, something Cherry Street.
[ Groans ]
Stan always handles the business stuff.
Some system you made, Stan.
We got down here totally unscathed.
We were supposed to get down here.
The system is designed to herd intruders into a kill room
where they can be taken out without any risk to the family.
[ Alarm sounds ]
-Aaah! -No use running.
The door will be locked.
Only I could design a system so diabolically brilliant
that even I couldn't defeat it.
I've been doomed by my own greatness,
like that time I made those amazing nachos
that gave us all diarrhea.
Hey, guys, can I talk to you for a second?
I noticed the tests you turned in looked
exactly the same.
Do you have something to confess, Steve?
No, he doesn't, because it was me.
I cheated.
Well, this is very serious, Hayley.
Wait here while I call the dean.
What are you doing?
No, what are you doing?
Not studying for a test?
Are you trying to be like me?
I literally eat garbage.
I ate a plastic bag yesterday. I really liked it.
I'm planning on having another one tomorrow.
Geez, Hayley.
Also, I've taken this class six times.
You're lucky I caught the dean at happy hour.
We worked out a fair deal.
We'll forget the whole thing
if you give us $40 right now.
Make this right. I've only got $36.
Dean, happy hour ain't over!
Order me a double Jack and ginger
and put a quarter on the pool table.
Hot damn, we're rich, Dean!
Okay, I'll get it this time.
Michael Jackson!
Ah, so close. Okay, one more, one more.
Shamone!
Pretty cool, Roger, but we're going to die.
Whew, thanks.
That was not a good feeling, but one more.
Shamone!
You can't think these guys are a threat.
STAAN: Stan makes you afraid.
But what I'm most afraid of is losing him,
and he's the same way.
That's why he tries so hard to protect me.
Yeah, sometimes he goes overboard, but that's love.
So that's love?
Yes. I understand.
I love the oven, Francine.
It's so small. It's so cute.
What? After I murder your husband,
you're welcome to live in the house,
oiling my various gears and watching me bang the oven.
I've got to turn you off.
With that spicy little Kitchen Aid in the house?
Good luck. [ Grunts ]
You cannot open the door.
But I can kick through my particle board closet.
♪♪
[ Grunts ]
Klaus, read our address off the mailbox!
I already know it!
I guess this is it, Roger.
Well, actually, I can breathe water.
So it's just it for you,
but I promise I will be very respectful to your body
for the first 10 minutes.
♪♪
[ Gags, coughs ]
416 Cherry Street. That's where we live.
I'm sorry I put you through all this, Francine.
I know you just want to take care of me,
but I can take care of myself,
and sometimes, I can even take care of you.
Stan, is this the guy who called you a clown?
Yeah.
Who's a clown now, asshole?
[ Grunting ]
Mess him up, Francine!
Have a great night!