1 00:00:02,836 --> 00:00:07,608 ♪ Let me tell you a story that few live to tell ♪ 2 00:00:07,641 --> 00:00:10,044 ♪ 'Bout a thousand-year-old fish ♪ 3 00:00:10,078 --> 00:00:12,113 ♪ Surely sent from hell 4 00:00:12,146 --> 00:00:16,817 Spawn of a demon whale ♪ and a drunk King Kong 5 00:00:16,850 --> 00:00:21,289 ♪ He's as big as a bus with a 12-foot dong ♪ 6 00:00:21,322 --> 00:00:26,060 ♪ With a 12-foot dong 7 00:00:26,094 --> 00:00:30,364 ♪ Just his sideways glance smashes men to bits ♪ 8 00:00:30,398 --> 00:00:34,902 ♪ He takes hundred-year naps and two-ton shits ♪ 9 00:00:34,935 --> 00:00:39,207 ♪ And two-ton shits 10 00:00:39,240 --> 00:00:44,378 ♪ He's the beast from beneath and king of the fishies ♪ 11 00:00:44,412 --> 00:00:48,749 ♪ He goes by the name of old Ulysses ♪ 12 00:00:48,782 --> 00:00:53,521 ♪ Old Ulysses 13 00:00:53,554 --> 00:00:55,623 ♪ Born in a volcano 14 00:00:55,656 --> 00:01:00,060 ♪ Old Ulysses, Old Ulysses 15 00:01:00,094 --> 00:01:06,567 ♪ Will kill everyone you know 16 00:01:08,502 --> 00:01:11,105 ♪♪ 17 00:01:11,139 --> 00:01:13,741 [ Slurping ] Ahh. 18 00:01:13,774 --> 00:01:15,876 I never understood why only little girls 19 00:01:15,909 --> 00:01:17,378 got to have tea parties. 20 00:01:17,411 --> 00:01:19,213 They are a wonderful way 21 00:01:19,247 --> 00:01:21,949 to unwind after a stressful day. 22 00:01:21,982 --> 00:01:24,452 I know you drank my last Monster Energy drink! 23 00:01:24,485 --> 00:01:26,120 You ruined my special plans. 24 00:01:26,154 --> 00:01:28,556 I was gonna drink it after Francine went to sleep 25 00:01:28,589 --> 00:01:30,924 and make prank calls all night long. 26 00:01:30,958 --> 00:01:32,293 It wasn't me. 27 00:01:32,326 --> 00:01:34,762 My sensitive tummy can't handle that stuff. 28 00:01:34,795 --> 00:01:36,697 I have to water down my Sprite. 29 00:01:36,730 --> 00:01:39,567 This wasn't just a regular Monster Energy drink, Steve. 30 00:01:39,600 --> 00:01:42,069 This was Baller's Blend Punch, Steve! 31 00:01:42,102 --> 00:01:44,272 A high-performance fuel inspired by the streets 32 00:01:44,305 --> 00:01:46,640 and optimized for the true baller. Oh, wait. 33 00:01:46,674 --> 00:01:49,743 You're a fake-ass baller, if anything. Ahh! 34 00:01:49,777 --> 00:01:52,045 Well, I won't keep you from your little tea party. 35 00:01:52,079 --> 00:01:53,414 Later, cucks. 36 00:01:53,447 --> 00:01:55,749 Geez. Your dad's a real jerk. 37 00:01:55,783 --> 00:01:58,552 Eh, he's just telling it like it is. But I don't mind. 38 00:01:58,586 --> 00:02:02,423 Tomorrow we leave for our annual trip to Possum Lake. 39 00:02:02,456 --> 00:02:04,925 All I have in my room is a Burger King wrapper 40 00:02:04,958 --> 00:02:06,460 I taped to the wall. 41 00:02:06,494 --> 00:02:10,097 A wee bit of color in my otherwise drab life. 42 00:02:10,130 --> 00:02:13,601 Yeah, at Possum Lake there are all these father-son events -- 43 00:02:13,634 --> 00:02:16,370 hot-dog-eating contest, chicken fights, 44 00:02:16,404 --> 00:02:18,606 and a big boat race at the end of the week. 45 00:02:18,639 --> 00:02:20,808 My dad is always so proud of me up there 46 00:02:20,841 --> 00:02:22,643 because all we do is win. 47 00:02:22,676 --> 00:02:26,247 Geez, Steve, you're starting to make me wish my dad wasn't dead. 48 00:02:26,280 --> 00:02:28,316 Oh you're really gonna wish your dad wasn't dead 49 00:02:28,349 --> 00:02:29,617 when you hear this. 50 00:02:29,650 --> 00:02:32,152 Up there, we never have to shower. 51 00:02:32,186 --> 00:02:34,722 We just take some Pert Plus into the lake. 52 00:02:34,755 --> 00:02:36,324 Lake baths? 53 00:02:36,357 --> 00:02:37,791 [ Tab snaps ] 54 00:02:37,825 --> 00:02:40,794 [ Slurps ] Ew, you nasty. 55 00:02:40,828 --> 00:02:44,298 [ Water splashes ] Klaus: Oh, no, Baller's Blend in my bowl? 56 00:02:44,332 --> 00:02:46,300 I can't afford to party for days. 57 00:02:46,334 --> 00:02:47,535 I have plans! 58 00:02:47,568 --> 00:02:51,305 Errr-ohhhhh, yeah! Get it, boy! 59 00:02:51,339 --> 00:02:52,940 Now I've got the edge I need, 60 00:02:52,973 --> 00:02:54,242 whether I'm hitting the clubs 61 00:02:54,275 --> 00:02:56,310 or hitting the courts! 62 00:02:58,346 --> 00:03:02,783 Stan, Steve, Klaus: ♪ Spawn of a demon whale and a drunk King Kong ♪ 63 00:03:02,816 --> 00:03:07,120 Francine, Haley: ♪ He's as big as a bus with a 12-foot dong ♪ 64 00:03:07,154 --> 00:03:09,657 Why have I never had a jaunty song written about me? 65 00:03:09,690 --> 00:03:12,493 I'm over 1,600 years old. Where's my song? 66 00:03:12,526 --> 00:03:14,828 Isn't Bon Jovi's "Bad Medicine" written about you? 67 00:03:14,862 --> 00:03:16,864 No, I've come to realize that I slept 68 00:03:16,897 --> 00:03:18,766 with a different Richard Sambora. 69 00:03:18,799 --> 00:03:21,835 Well, I couldn't be more excited for Possum Lake. 70 00:03:21,869 --> 00:03:24,338 This is the first year I've been able to make the trip. 71 00:03:24,372 --> 00:03:25,639 I thought this was the first time 72 00:03:25,673 --> 00:03:27,241 we ever invited you to come along. 73 00:03:27,275 --> 00:03:28,876 -I didn't invite him. -Who invited him? 74 00:03:28,909 --> 00:03:30,678 Oh, look! The lake. 75 00:03:32,813 --> 00:03:34,582 Wanna lay out and tan for a bit? Sure. 76 00:03:34,615 --> 00:03:36,850 Hey, I have an idea for a film adaptation 77 00:03:36,884 --> 00:03:39,152 of Hungry Hungry Hippos. You wanna hear about it? 78 00:03:39,186 --> 00:03:40,454 Of course. 79 00:03:40,488 --> 00:03:42,055 It's the year 3000. 80 00:03:42,089 --> 00:03:46,327 Marbles are scarce and hippos are used only for sex. 81 00:03:46,360 --> 00:03:48,161 [ Glass tinging ] 82 00:03:48,195 --> 00:03:50,331 A giant, freshwater lake? 83 00:03:50,364 --> 00:03:51,532 [ Menacing chord plays ] 84 00:03:51,565 --> 00:03:53,200 I can finally ditch my bowl 85 00:03:53,233 --> 00:03:56,270 and be free to roam around wherever I please. 86 00:03:56,304 --> 00:03:58,406 Freeeeeeedommm! [ Laughs ] 87 00:03:58,439 --> 00:04:00,107 [ Growls ] 88 00:04:00,140 --> 00:04:01,509 Oh, crap. 89 00:04:01,542 --> 00:04:07,247 Crowd: [ Chanting "Go!" ] 90 00:04:07,281 --> 00:04:09,883 How much time left, Possum Dave? Two hours. 91 00:04:09,917 --> 00:04:11,852 Time to kick it into high gear! 92 00:04:11,885 --> 00:04:13,487 [ Munching ] 93 00:04:15,122 --> 00:04:16,590 [ Chanting continues, rhythmic clapping ] 94 00:04:16,624 --> 00:04:17,891 [ Horn blows ] 95 00:04:17,925 --> 00:04:20,394 Stan and Steve are our winners! 96 00:04:20,428 --> 00:04:22,796 [ Cheers and applause ] 97 00:04:22,830 --> 00:04:23,931 ♪♪ 98 00:04:23,964 --> 00:04:27,468 ♪ Nobody beats the best 99 00:04:27,501 --> 00:04:30,804 ♪ We're super good, yeah, uh-huh ♪ 100 00:04:32,973 --> 00:04:35,576 Did you know that some people stretch by themselves? 101 00:04:35,609 --> 00:04:36,744 Those poor souls. 102 00:04:36,777 --> 00:04:37,745 [ Bones crack ] Ahh. 103 00:04:37,778 --> 00:04:39,413 Snot: Here we are. 104 00:04:39,447 --> 00:04:40,948 Snot? 105 00:04:40,981 --> 00:04:42,115 Tuttle? 106 00:04:42,149 --> 00:04:44,585 In the flesh. 107 00:04:44,618 --> 00:04:47,054 Hey, Snot. But what are you doing here? 108 00:04:47,087 --> 00:04:49,457 Hearing you talk about this trip with your dad 109 00:04:49,490 --> 00:04:51,091 made me so jealous. 110 00:04:51,124 --> 00:04:53,827 I decided I had to find a father of my own. 111 00:04:53,861 --> 00:04:58,231 I was inspired by one of my favorite romantic comedies. 112 00:04:58,265 --> 00:05:00,100 [ Phone ringing ] 113 00:05:00,133 --> 00:05:02,235 Radio host: Hello, you're on the air. 114 00:05:02,269 --> 00:05:03,671 Lonely in Langley? 115 00:05:03,704 --> 00:05:05,706 That's what she called him on the show. 116 00:05:05,739 --> 00:05:07,307 Says here the kid's already gotten over 117 00:05:07,341 --> 00:05:09,743 two thousand letters. 118 00:05:09,777 --> 00:05:11,945 Ugh. No leads on a dad, 119 00:05:11,979 --> 00:05:14,482 but we got another clue from the Zodiac Killer. 120 00:05:16,016 --> 00:05:20,454 You're gonna slip up sooner or later, you son of a bitch. 121 00:05:20,488 --> 00:05:21,889 What is wrong with me? 122 00:05:21,922 --> 00:05:25,292 I'm obsessed with some boy I've never even met. 123 00:05:25,325 --> 00:05:28,128 What I really don't want to do is end up always wondering 124 00:05:28,161 --> 00:05:29,463 what might have happened 125 00:05:29,497 --> 00:05:32,132 and knowing I could have done something. 126 00:05:33,367 --> 00:05:35,302 [ Exhales deeply ] 127 00:05:35,335 --> 00:05:38,939 ♪♪ 128 00:05:38,972 --> 00:05:41,675 Maybe he found a better dad. 129 00:05:41,709 --> 00:05:44,945 ♪♪ 130 00:05:44,978 --> 00:05:46,480 [ Button clicks ] 131 00:05:46,514 --> 00:05:49,249 [ Elevator dings ] 132 00:05:49,282 --> 00:05:51,084 It's you. 133 00:05:51,118 --> 00:05:52,986 It's me... 134 00:05:53,020 --> 00:05:54,455 Tuttle. 135 00:05:54,488 --> 00:05:57,157 It was a pretty wild day and a half. 136 00:05:57,190 --> 00:05:58,959 Well, I should go help my da-- 137 00:05:58,992 --> 00:06:02,362 Tuttle unpack. 138 00:06:02,396 --> 00:06:05,098 So, Tuttle and Snot, huh? 139 00:06:05,132 --> 00:06:06,233 I guess that makes sense. 140 00:06:06,266 --> 00:06:08,636 They're both very... "New York". 141 00:06:08,669 --> 00:06:09,703 [ Door opens ] 142 00:06:09,737 --> 00:06:10,971 -After you. -After you. 143 00:06:11,004 --> 00:06:12,506 -Unh. -Unh. 144 00:06:12,540 --> 00:06:14,207 They seem a little awkward around each other. 145 00:06:14,241 --> 00:06:15,476 Maybe we should help them out. 146 00:06:15,509 --> 00:06:17,678 -Oh can we, Papa? -Let's do it. 147 00:06:17,711 --> 00:06:21,782 And I know the perfect thing for two fellas trying to bond. 148 00:06:21,815 --> 00:06:24,317 Lake baths! 149 00:06:24,351 --> 00:06:25,686 It's weird. 150 00:06:25,719 --> 00:06:27,488 Tuttle and Snot seem even more awkward 151 00:06:27,521 --> 00:06:28,856 around each other now that they're naked 152 00:06:28,889 --> 00:06:30,390 and in a public lake. 153 00:06:31,659 --> 00:06:32,760 [ Can clanks ] 154 00:06:32,793 --> 00:06:35,362 I'm so bored. 155 00:06:38,231 --> 00:06:41,569 Ugh, and now a boring bird is on my shoulder. 156 00:06:41,602 --> 00:06:44,037 Actually, I'm a human who's been turned into a bird 157 00:06:44,071 --> 00:06:45,506 by an evil corp-- [ Squawks ] 158 00:06:45,539 --> 00:06:47,541 So boring! 159 00:06:47,575 --> 00:06:50,043 I can't believe our tour guide never showed up. 160 00:06:50,077 --> 00:06:51,712 What are we gonna do now? 161 00:06:51,745 --> 00:06:53,413 [ Bright chord plays ] 162 00:06:53,447 --> 00:06:54,715 Sorry I'm late. 163 00:06:54,748 --> 00:06:57,017 I'm your tour guide, Wheelie Pedalaton. 164 00:06:57,050 --> 00:06:59,720 But it says our guide is named Schwinn Chafecrotch. 165 00:06:59,753 --> 00:07:01,755 Really? That's a good one. 166 00:07:01,789 --> 00:07:03,724 So, hi, I'm Schwinn Chafecrotch. 167 00:07:03,757 --> 00:07:05,192 Everyone on your bikes! 168 00:07:05,225 --> 00:07:07,461 If you can't keep up, you will be left behind! 169 00:07:08,529 --> 00:07:11,031 Ahhh! I fell in the sticker bush. 170 00:07:11,064 --> 00:07:12,900 Just gonna rub this leaf on my wounds 171 00:07:12,933 --> 00:07:14,401 as a topical ointment. 172 00:07:14,434 --> 00:07:15,936 Uhp, that's poison ivy. 173 00:07:15,969 --> 00:07:17,838 Well, these organic mushrooms should fix that. 174 00:07:17,871 --> 00:07:19,306 [ Chewing ] Argh! 175 00:07:19,339 --> 00:07:21,108 [ Splash ] 176 00:07:21,141 --> 00:07:22,676 Why don't we go around in a circle 177 00:07:22,710 --> 00:07:24,945 and say where we're all from. 178 00:07:24,978 --> 00:07:27,615 Hey, you guys gonna do the father-son chicken fight, too? 179 00:07:27,648 --> 00:07:29,917 Yeah! We saw it on the activities list 180 00:07:29,950 --> 00:07:31,485 and thought it sounded fun. 181 00:07:31,519 --> 00:07:33,086 Hey, that's super. 182 00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:35,022 Yeah, good for you guys. 183 00:07:35,055 --> 00:07:37,925 So, I've been wondering, who puts on all these activities? 184 00:07:37,958 --> 00:07:39,693 Uh, the same company that's behind 185 00:07:39,727 --> 00:07:41,762 everything great in America. 186 00:07:41,795 --> 00:07:44,297 Announcer: Halliburton. 187 00:07:44,331 --> 00:07:47,467 "American Dad!" salutes Halliburton 188 00:07:47,501 --> 00:07:51,004 and all the wonderful things they secretly fund. 189 00:07:51,038 --> 00:07:53,941 They're behind all your favorite things. 190 00:07:53,974 --> 00:07:56,309 They control everything! 191 00:07:56,343 --> 00:07:59,112 All hail, Halliburton. 192 00:07:59,146 --> 00:08:03,016 Don't cross them or they'll turn you into a bird. 193 00:08:03,050 --> 00:08:05,285 [ People playing ] 194 00:08:05,318 --> 00:08:06,787 Ohh! 195 00:08:06,820 --> 00:08:08,155 ♪ Chi-- Chi-- Chi-- Chi-- Chi-- Chi-- ♪ 196 00:08:08,188 --> 00:08:10,624 ♪ Chi-- Chicken fight! 197 00:08:10,658 --> 00:08:12,159 ♪ Chi-- Chi-- Chi-- Chi-- Chi-- Chi-- Chi-- ♪ 198 00:08:12,192 --> 00:08:13,994 ♪ Chicken fight! 199 00:08:14,027 --> 00:08:18,599 ♪ When a son is on a dad, things are all right! ♪ 200 00:08:18,632 --> 00:08:20,734 Oopsie! Sorry. 201 00:08:20,768 --> 00:08:22,135 Not very stable. 202 00:08:22,169 --> 00:08:24,972 You're the most stable man I have in my life. 203 00:08:25,005 --> 00:08:26,607 -Really? -Yeah! 204 00:08:26,640 --> 00:08:28,742 [ Laughter ] 205 00:08:28,776 --> 00:08:30,611 Snot and Tuttle: Hahhhhhh! 206 00:08:30,644 --> 00:08:32,680 Stan and Steve: Ahhh! 207 00:08:32,713 --> 00:08:34,081 [ Cheers and applause ] 208 00:08:34,114 --> 00:08:37,217 [ Muffled cheers and applause ] 209 00:08:37,250 --> 00:08:40,253 Muffled: That's my ribbon. 210 00:08:40,287 --> 00:08:42,222 [ Muffled music playing ] 211 00:08:42,255 --> 00:08:45,726 ♪ Nobody beats the best 212 00:08:45,759 --> 00:08:48,862 Muffled: Whoa, they're doing your dance! 213 00:08:48,896 --> 00:08:51,865 I'm going up for air, Possum Dave. 214 00:08:51,899 --> 00:08:53,867 Don't follow me. 215 00:08:56,536 --> 00:08:59,206 ♪♪ 216 00:08:59,239 --> 00:09:00,473 I'll do my own scalp. 217 00:09:00,507 --> 00:09:02,710 But we always do each other's scalps. 218 00:09:02,743 --> 00:09:04,011 Is this about the chicken fight? 219 00:09:04,044 --> 00:09:05,545 Of course it's about the chicken fight! 220 00:09:05,579 --> 00:09:06,914 No, I don't mind that you're Jewish. 221 00:09:06,947 --> 00:09:09,316 I hope you're okay with me being a Wiccan. 222 00:09:09,349 --> 00:09:10,517 Steve, come on. 223 00:09:10,550 --> 00:09:11,919 Today is a whole new day 224 00:09:11,952 --> 00:09:14,321 with all new activities for us to crush. 225 00:09:14,354 --> 00:09:15,923 Tuttle and Snot just got lucky. 226 00:09:15,956 --> 00:09:17,224 They blind sided us -- 227 00:09:17,257 --> 00:09:18,892 and they did it right in our face. 228 00:09:18,926 --> 00:09:20,560 Hmm, maybe you're right. 229 00:09:20,594 --> 00:09:21,929 Of course I am. 230 00:09:21,962 --> 00:09:23,496 You really think "Tuttle" and "Snot" 231 00:09:23,530 --> 00:09:24,865 are any match for us? 232 00:09:24,898 --> 00:09:26,266 Now let me at that scalp. 233 00:09:26,299 --> 00:09:28,235 There we go. Don't worry. 234 00:09:28,268 --> 00:09:30,503 We're gonna win like crazy today. 235 00:09:30,537 --> 00:09:32,372 We lost every single event! 236 00:09:32,405 --> 00:09:34,374 They made us look like chumps out there! 237 00:09:34,407 --> 00:09:37,244 [ Grunts ] You like looking like a chump? 238 00:09:38,378 --> 00:09:39,680 No. 239 00:09:39,713 --> 00:09:42,549 [ Birds chirping ] 240 00:09:42,582 --> 00:09:44,184 Ugh, still not dark enough. 241 00:09:44,217 --> 00:09:45,686 I'm an "Autumn Bronze", 242 00:09:45,719 --> 00:09:48,756 but I want to be a "Dried Tobacco". 243 00:09:48,789 --> 00:09:50,090 Sunscreen? 244 00:09:50,123 --> 00:09:52,559 What, are you trying to scare the sun? 245 00:09:52,592 --> 00:09:55,228 We need to wine and dine the sun. 246 00:09:55,262 --> 00:09:56,764 Show a little skin. 247 00:09:56,797 --> 00:09:58,331 That's what he likes. 248 00:09:58,365 --> 00:10:00,233 That is what I like. 249 00:10:00,267 --> 00:10:02,269 See? 250 00:10:02,302 --> 00:10:04,972 You're doing great. Just throw that leg over. 251 00:10:05,005 --> 00:10:06,506 When you talk, you move the bike. 252 00:10:06,539 --> 00:10:09,242 So, our tour guide can't ride a bicycle? 253 00:10:09,276 --> 00:10:11,111 Best way to learn is to teach. 254 00:10:11,144 --> 00:10:12,545 But we all know how to ride. 255 00:10:12,579 --> 00:10:15,248 Then why'd you hire an expert cyclist? 256 00:10:15,282 --> 00:10:17,217 Oh, sticker bush! 257 00:10:17,250 --> 00:10:18,952 Oh, fire ants! 258 00:10:18,986 --> 00:10:20,688 Oh, sticker bush! 259 00:10:20,721 --> 00:10:23,356 There's even more fire ants in here! 260 00:10:23,390 --> 00:10:26,293 [ Wind blowing, birds chirping ] 261 00:10:26,326 --> 00:10:30,263 All this open water, Klaus must be having the time of his life. 262 00:10:30,297 --> 00:10:33,133 [ Screaming ] 263 00:10:33,166 --> 00:10:36,770 [ Bear roaring, electricity crackling ] 264 00:10:36,804 --> 00:10:39,239 Who cares about all those dumb contests? 265 00:10:39,272 --> 00:10:40,774 The only thing that really matters 266 00:10:40,808 --> 00:10:42,642 is the big boat race tomorrow. 267 00:10:42,676 --> 00:10:44,311 We bring home that trophy, 268 00:10:44,344 --> 00:10:46,379 then we're still the real winners, right, Dad? 269 00:10:46,413 --> 00:10:48,749 Absolutely. And we're going to win for sure. 270 00:10:48,782 --> 00:10:50,117 Tuttle doesn't even know how to sail. 271 00:10:50,150 --> 00:10:53,286 [ Enya's "Orinoco Flow" plays ] 272 00:10:53,320 --> 00:10:55,588 What's that sound? 273 00:10:55,622 --> 00:10:56,957 [ Sighs ] 274 00:10:56,990 --> 00:10:58,491 It's "Orinoco Flow". 275 00:10:58,525 --> 00:11:02,062 ♪ Sail away, sail away, sail away ♪ 276 00:11:02,095 --> 00:11:04,231 I just learned how to sail! 277 00:11:04,264 --> 00:11:06,266 [ Wind gusts ] Aw, man! 278 00:11:07,367 --> 00:11:08,668 I'm sick of losing! 279 00:11:08,702 --> 00:11:10,170 There's only one solution -- 280 00:11:10,203 --> 00:11:12,372 we have to break up Snot and Tuttle. 281 00:11:12,405 --> 00:11:15,175 We can't do that. Snot's your best friend. 282 00:11:15,208 --> 00:11:18,611 -Fine, fine, I won't. -Good. 283 00:11:18,645 --> 00:11:20,814 Hey, you think Francine's still got it? 284 00:11:20,848 --> 00:11:23,483 ♪♪ 285 00:11:23,516 --> 00:11:25,085 I hate that the sun is setting. 286 00:11:25,118 --> 00:11:27,287 I know! I want to keep tanning! 287 00:11:27,320 --> 00:11:31,391 You know, I heard a rumor once that stars are actually suns. 288 00:11:31,424 --> 00:11:33,660 Then I say we keep sun tanning. 289 00:11:33,693 --> 00:11:36,229 I think you mean star tanning. 290 00:11:36,263 --> 00:11:39,499 [ Laughing ] 291 00:11:39,532 --> 00:11:43,871 [ Laughing intensifies ] 292 00:11:43,904 --> 00:11:46,940 [ Both crying ] 293 00:11:50,577 --> 00:11:53,346 Have we had any water today? 294 00:11:53,380 --> 00:11:56,083 ♪♪ 295 00:11:56,116 --> 00:11:59,452 Tuttle: You gotta let me explain, SnottySnot! 296 00:11:59,486 --> 00:12:01,521 Oh, I think I get it! 297 00:12:01,554 --> 00:12:03,190 Steve. 298 00:12:03,223 --> 00:12:05,492 I know what you did this summer! 299 00:12:05,525 --> 00:12:08,395 Eh? You broke up Tuttle and Snot, didn't you? 300 00:12:08,428 --> 00:12:10,864 I did what had to be done. 301 00:12:10,898 --> 00:12:13,533 I broke them up with a page out of their own book -- 302 00:12:13,566 --> 00:12:16,336 a Tom Hanks/Meg Ryan rom-com. 303 00:12:16,369 --> 00:12:18,371 [ Gasps ] "Joe Versus the Volcano"! 304 00:12:18,405 --> 00:12:20,407 No, "You've Got Mail". 305 00:12:20,440 --> 00:12:21,875 The worst one. 306 00:12:21,909 --> 00:12:25,045 I seduced Tuttle online, presenting myself 307 00:12:25,078 --> 00:12:27,915 as a better, more appealing son than Snot. 308 00:12:27,948 --> 00:12:30,383 [ Chuckles ] The rest was easy. 309 00:12:30,417 --> 00:12:32,152 Tuttle: I turn on my computer. 310 00:12:32,185 --> 00:12:33,553 I go online. 311 00:12:33,586 --> 00:12:35,588 And my breath catches in my chest 312 00:12:35,622 --> 00:12:37,891 until I hear three little words... 313 00:12:37,925 --> 00:12:39,426 -You've got mail. -You've got mail. 314 00:12:39,459 --> 00:12:41,161 Movie Trailer Guy: In a city where everyone 315 00:12:41,194 --> 00:12:43,063 is looking for someone, 316 00:12:43,096 --> 00:12:45,032 Tuttle and Steve have discovered 317 00:12:45,065 --> 00:12:47,067 the best way to meet someone 318 00:12:47,100 --> 00:12:49,736 is to never meet at all. 319 00:12:49,769 --> 00:12:51,939 I know I'm in a relationship with Snot. 320 00:12:51,972 --> 00:12:53,640 I'm just e-mailing with this other kid. 321 00:12:53,673 --> 00:12:54,975 It's really nothing. 322 00:12:55,008 --> 00:12:56,209 But... 323 00:12:56,243 --> 00:12:58,278 I might be falling for him. 324 00:12:58,311 --> 00:12:59,980 What they don't realize... 325 00:13:00,013 --> 00:13:03,216 is that one of them is just a huge dick. 326 00:13:03,250 --> 00:13:04,717 -Hey! -What? 327 00:13:04,751 --> 00:13:06,186 You're ruining your best friend's life 328 00:13:06,219 --> 00:13:08,088 all to win a stupid boat race. 329 00:13:08,121 --> 00:13:10,891 Uh, the Possum Lake Regatta is not stupid. 330 00:13:10,924 --> 00:13:12,592 Do you even hear yourself right now? 331 00:13:12,625 --> 00:13:13,961 Wait, you're a bird? 332 00:13:13,994 --> 00:13:15,628 We're all gonna be birds! 333 00:13:15,662 --> 00:13:17,097 Don't you get it? 334 00:13:17,130 --> 00:13:18,899 Don't you see what Halliburton is doing -- 335 00:13:18,932 --> 00:13:21,068 [ Gunshot, glass cracks ] 336 00:13:21,101 --> 00:13:23,403 [ Thud ] 337 00:13:23,436 --> 00:13:25,372 My plan worked perfectly. 338 00:13:25,405 --> 00:13:27,407 Tuttle fell in love with me, this morning, 339 00:13:27,440 --> 00:13:29,542 Snot found all the secret e-mails, 340 00:13:29,576 --> 00:13:31,211 and now they're in a huge fight. 341 00:13:31,244 --> 00:13:35,748 [ Crying ] 342 00:13:35,782 --> 00:13:37,517 With Tuttle and Snot out of the way, 343 00:13:37,550 --> 00:13:39,219 we'll win for sure now. 344 00:13:39,252 --> 00:13:40,954 Don't you want to taste it again? 345 00:13:40,988 --> 00:13:42,589 Taste...what? 346 00:13:42,622 --> 00:13:45,825 The winning! The delicious taste of winning. 347 00:13:45,859 --> 00:13:47,027 Gobble, gobble! 348 00:13:47,060 --> 00:13:48,661 I don't want to win like this. 349 00:13:48,695 --> 00:13:50,797 I'm sorry, but I can't do the Possum Lake Regatta 350 00:13:50,830 --> 00:13:51,798 with you, Steve. 351 00:13:51,831 --> 00:13:53,366 Well, don't worry. 352 00:13:53,400 --> 00:13:56,069 With that attitude, I don't want to do the race with you! 353 00:13:56,103 --> 00:13:57,370 [ Crying continues ] 354 00:13:57,404 --> 00:13:58,571 Tuttle, will you be my partner 355 00:13:58,605 --> 00:13:59,672 for the big boat race? 356 00:13:59,706 --> 00:14:01,975 -Sure, but -- -Great, shut up! 357 00:14:02,009 --> 00:14:03,810 Whoa! Did you see that? 358 00:14:03,843 --> 00:14:05,412 The back seat of Tuttle's Ford Probe 359 00:14:05,445 --> 00:14:07,447 is full of weathered prosthetic limbs. 360 00:14:07,480 --> 00:14:09,182 Let's build a guy! 361 00:14:12,585 --> 00:14:13,853 Collinsworth: A tradition unlike any other, 362 00:14:13,887 --> 00:14:15,522 the sporting event of the summer -- 363 00:14:15,555 --> 00:14:18,291 this is The Possum Lake Boat Race. 364 00:14:18,325 --> 00:14:21,228 I'm Kenny "The Jet" Smith with Cris Collinsworth. 365 00:14:21,261 --> 00:14:23,363 [ Gunshot ] That's the start of the race. 366 00:14:23,396 --> 00:14:25,798 Let's take you down to the action live for the start 367 00:14:25,832 --> 00:14:27,300 of our 14 hours of coverage -- 368 00:14:27,334 --> 00:14:29,269 14 hours? 369 00:14:29,302 --> 00:14:31,304 [ Indistinct chatter ] 370 00:14:31,338 --> 00:14:32,805 This boat is amazing. 371 00:14:32,839 --> 00:14:35,008 Plus it has a mini-fridge 372 00:14:35,042 --> 00:14:37,677 packed with every drink you could ever imagine. 373 00:14:37,710 --> 00:14:40,180 I can imagine rainbow juice. 374 00:14:40,213 --> 00:14:42,549 Oh, I miss Snot. 375 00:14:42,582 --> 00:14:44,651 Metal clanking, wind blowing ] 376 00:14:44,684 --> 00:14:47,520 Huh, was Steve the one who knew how to sail? 377 00:14:50,057 --> 00:14:51,824 Look at me! Are you looking? 378 00:14:51,858 --> 00:14:54,327 You're doing great, honey! 379 00:14:54,361 --> 00:14:56,329 Oh, people! Thank God. 380 00:14:56,363 --> 00:14:57,530 Who are you? 381 00:14:57,564 --> 00:14:58,999 I'm Schwinn Chafecrotch. 382 00:14:59,032 --> 00:15:00,400 Isn't that your name, honey? 383 00:15:00,433 --> 00:15:02,535 Barbara, I love when you call me honey. 384 00:15:02,569 --> 00:15:05,105 I was walking in the woods when I was attacked... 385 00:15:05,138 --> 00:15:07,374 by the Possum Lake monster! 386 00:15:07,407 --> 00:15:09,542 Old Ulysses from the song? 387 00:15:09,576 --> 00:15:12,012 No, this was a land-based monster 388 00:15:12,045 --> 00:15:14,547 whose song has yet to be written. 389 00:15:14,581 --> 00:15:16,816 It had a big, swollen head. 390 00:15:16,849 --> 00:15:19,386 No nose. Droopy witch-belly. 391 00:15:19,419 --> 00:15:21,588 Long, probing fingers. 392 00:15:21,621 --> 00:15:26,693 I'll never forget the disgusting feel of that gray, papery skin. 393 00:15:26,726 --> 00:15:28,528 Okay, that's enough. 394 00:15:28,561 --> 00:15:30,030 You can't blame this poor, 395 00:15:30,063 --> 00:15:32,599 land-based monster for the dry mountain air. 396 00:15:32,632 --> 00:15:35,102 And "monster", that's a bit of a loaded word, isn't it? 397 00:15:35,135 --> 00:15:37,504 The words we use matter. -But it attacked him. 398 00:15:37,537 --> 00:15:39,372 Oh, don't be such a stupid bitch, Barbara. 399 00:15:39,406 --> 00:15:41,574 [ People gasps ] I won't apologize. 400 00:15:41,608 --> 00:15:44,444 I think this two-day bike lesson is over. 401 00:15:44,477 --> 00:15:47,447 You think this is over? This is far from over! 402 00:15:47,480 --> 00:15:50,883 Because this land-based monster never forgets. 403 00:15:50,917 --> 00:15:52,619 That's right, I'm admitting it. 404 00:15:52,652 --> 00:15:55,022 And you fools made a terrible mistake -- 405 00:15:55,055 --> 00:15:57,490 you taught the monster to ride a bike. 406 00:15:57,524 --> 00:15:58,758 [ Chain clicking ] 407 00:16:01,394 --> 00:16:03,563 Mm-hmm. They should call it Pricker Lake. 408 00:16:03,596 --> 00:16:06,799 I ain't seen one possum 'round here, I'll tell you that. 409 00:16:06,833 --> 00:16:09,602 Looks like Steve and Tuttle are going to win this one easily. 410 00:16:09,636 --> 00:16:11,538 They've already started their victory dance. 411 00:16:11,571 --> 00:16:15,075 ♪ Nobody beats the best 412 00:16:15,108 --> 00:16:19,279 ♪ We're super good, yeah, uh-huh ♪ 413 00:16:19,312 --> 00:16:20,613 Collinsworth: Wait a second. 414 00:16:20,647 --> 00:16:22,115 It looks like one of our competitors 415 00:16:22,149 --> 00:16:24,284 is having some sort of revelation. 416 00:16:24,317 --> 00:16:26,419 My God. What have I done? 417 00:16:26,453 --> 00:16:28,488 Tuttle, I don't think I can do this. 418 00:16:28,521 --> 00:16:30,390 [ Creature growls ] 419 00:16:30,423 --> 00:16:33,760 No way. I-It can't be. 420 00:16:33,793 --> 00:16:36,129 Yes, it is. It's real. It's... 421 00:16:36,163 --> 00:16:40,400 ♪ Old Ulysses, Old Ulysses 422 00:16:40,433 --> 00:16:47,040 ♪ Will kill everyone you know 423 00:16:47,074 --> 00:16:49,809 [ Menacing music plays ] 424 00:16:49,842 --> 00:16:52,312 [ Old Ulysses growling ] 425 00:16:52,345 --> 00:16:54,247 ♪♪ 426 00:16:54,281 --> 00:16:56,516 [ People screaming ] 427 00:16:56,549 --> 00:16:59,186 ♪♪ 428 00:16:59,219 --> 00:17:00,787 Think fast, Stan, what do we do? 429 00:17:00,820 --> 00:17:02,289 What do fish hate? 430 00:17:02,322 --> 00:17:04,457 Well, I know what fans of the band Phish hate... 431 00:17:04,491 --> 00:17:06,159 deodorant. Zing! 432 00:17:06,193 --> 00:17:08,728 Ah crap, I wasted all my time on that perfect zinger! 433 00:17:08,761 --> 00:17:11,164 God of Jokes, I've earned your protection! 434 00:17:12,265 --> 00:17:14,834 We have to turn around and help my dad! 435 00:17:14,867 --> 00:17:16,503 But we're about to win! 436 00:17:16,536 --> 00:17:18,071 I don't care about winning. 437 00:17:18,105 --> 00:17:19,572 I have to save my dad! 438 00:17:19,606 --> 00:17:22,209 -Ah! -I'm coming, Dad! 439 00:17:22,242 --> 00:17:23,643 ♪♪ 440 00:17:23,676 --> 00:17:26,079 [ Growls ] 441 00:17:26,113 --> 00:17:27,947 [ Screeches ] 442 00:17:27,980 --> 00:17:30,783 ♪♪ 443 00:17:30,817 --> 00:17:32,685 [ Gasps ] 444 00:17:32,719 --> 00:17:34,721 ♪♪ 445 00:17:34,754 --> 00:17:37,390 Steve. You saved me. 446 00:17:37,424 --> 00:17:39,025 Great, now save me! 447 00:17:39,058 --> 00:17:40,927 [ Menacing chord plays ] 448 00:17:40,960 --> 00:17:42,462 [ Laughs ] 449 00:17:42,495 --> 00:17:44,164 [ Clears throat ] 450 00:17:44,197 --> 00:17:46,533 [ Both screaming ] 451 00:17:46,566 --> 00:17:49,202 [ Bear roaring, electricity crackles ] 452 00:17:49,236 --> 00:17:50,470 ♪♪ 453 00:17:50,503 --> 00:17:51,604 [ Old Ulysses growling ] 454 00:17:51,638 --> 00:17:53,840 [ Clank ] Dad! 455 00:17:53,873 --> 00:17:55,475 Oh, no, wake up! 456 00:17:57,277 --> 00:17:59,379 Oh, if only there was something powerful enough... 457 00:17:59,412 --> 00:18:02,882 Every drink you could ever imagine. 458 00:18:02,915 --> 00:18:06,219 Every drink you could ever imagine. 459 00:18:06,253 --> 00:18:08,355 That's it! Thanks, Tuttle! 460 00:18:08,388 --> 00:18:12,225 Stay out of the back seat of my Probe. 461 00:18:12,259 --> 00:18:13,993 ♪♪ 462 00:18:14,026 --> 00:18:16,129 [ Tab snaps ] 463 00:18:16,163 --> 00:18:18,865 [ Echoing ] Baller's Blend! Alright! 464 00:18:18,898 --> 00:18:21,234 [ Deep voice ] Let's do this! 465 00:18:21,268 --> 00:18:24,103 [ Normal voice ] No. We're stronger together. 466 00:18:25,605 --> 00:18:27,340 [ Menacing chord plays ] 467 00:18:27,374 --> 00:18:28,875 ♪ Chi-- Chi-- Chi-- Chi-- Chi-- Chi-- Chi-- ♪ 468 00:18:28,908 --> 00:18:30,543 ♪ Chicken fight! [ Old Ulysses screeching ] 469 00:18:30,577 --> 00:18:32,044 ♪ Chi-- Chi-- Chi-- Chi-- Chi-- Chi-- Chi-- ♪ 470 00:18:32,078 --> 00:18:33,846 ♪ Chicken fight! 471 00:18:33,880 --> 00:18:37,584 ♪ When the son is on the dad, things are all right! ♪ 472 00:18:37,617 --> 00:18:39,852 [ Screeching continues ] 473 00:18:39,886 --> 00:18:41,654 ♪♪ 474 00:18:44,457 --> 00:18:45,958 We did it! 475 00:18:47,627 --> 00:18:49,128 Well, I was helping, too. 476 00:18:49,162 --> 00:18:51,063 I was punching him from the inside. 477 00:18:51,097 --> 00:18:52,532 Got in some good licks. 478 00:18:52,565 --> 00:18:55,735 Hey, this fish is funny! 479 00:18:55,768 --> 00:18:58,971 The chapter of Old Ulysses is over. 480 00:18:59,005 --> 00:19:01,741 Thus, a new chapter begins. 481 00:19:01,774 --> 00:19:06,279 Our star tanning has given us great powers. 482 00:19:06,313 --> 00:19:10,750 It is time for the gods to leave this realm. 483 00:19:10,783 --> 00:19:16,823 ♪♪ 484 00:19:16,856 --> 00:19:20,960 [ Both moaning ] 485 00:19:20,993 --> 00:19:22,462 [ Laughs ] 486 00:19:22,495 --> 00:19:23,796 Every year. 487 00:19:23,830 --> 00:19:26,733 [ Whistling ] 488 00:19:26,766 --> 00:19:29,101 ♪♪ 489 00:19:29,135 --> 00:19:31,738 Sorry, Dad. I guess I kinda ruined our trip. 490 00:19:31,771 --> 00:19:33,473 What are you talking about? It was amazing. 491 00:19:33,506 --> 00:19:35,475 I got to kill a mythical fish. 492 00:19:35,508 --> 00:19:38,144 I just don't understand why you got so obsessed with winning. 493 00:19:38,177 --> 00:19:40,313 I was worried that if we started losing, 494 00:19:40,347 --> 00:19:43,316 we would also lose that special bond that we have up here. 495 00:19:43,350 --> 00:19:44,984 Special bond? 496 00:19:45,017 --> 00:19:47,820 Yeah, you're so happy up here because we're always winning. 497 00:19:47,854 --> 00:19:49,989 No, I'm happy because I'm not working. 498 00:19:50,022 --> 00:19:51,324 I hate work. 499 00:19:51,358 --> 00:19:53,526 I wish I was a baby again. 500 00:19:55,127 --> 00:19:58,531 I...probably should go apologize to Snot now. 501 00:20:02,168 --> 00:20:04,837 I'm so sorry, Snot. I really messed up. 502 00:20:04,871 --> 00:20:07,006 No, I messed up. 503 00:20:07,039 --> 00:20:09,976 I butted in on your special trip with your dad. 504 00:20:10,009 --> 00:20:12,879 I guess I'm just jealous of what you guys have. 505 00:20:12,912 --> 00:20:14,347 Hey, listen. 506 00:20:14,381 --> 00:20:15,882 If you ever want to join me and my dad 507 00:20:15,915 --> 00:20:18,951 for a camping weekend, all we gotta do is ask. 508 00:20:18,985 --> 00:20:20,920 -Really? -Come on. 509 00:20:20,953 --> 00:20:22,422 No. 510 00:20:24,190 --> 00:20:26,526 ♪♪ 511 00:20:26,559 --> 00:20:30,797 ♪ Old Ulysses was killed by father and son ♪ 512 00:20:30,830 --> 00:20:36,202 ♪ Now the land-based monster's the only one ♪ 513 00:20:36,235 --> 00:20:38,004 Roger: I got my song! 514 00:20:38,037 --> 00:20:41,741 ♪ He skulks the woods with his lumbering gait ♪ 515 00:20:41,774 --> 00:20:43,175 Hey! 516 00:20:43,209 --> 00:20:46,078 ♪ Varicose veins and a balding pate ♪ 517 00:20:46,112 --> 00:20:47,780 Oh, come on. 518 00:20:47,814 --> 00:20:51,083 ♪ This chinless creature with gnome-like features ♪ 519 00:20:51,117 --> 00:20:52,719 Gnome-like? 520 00:20:52,752 --> 00:21:01,193 ♪ You can smell his ass all over the lake! ♪ 521 00:21:01,227 --> 00:21:02,194 Well, that's true. 522 00:21:02,228 --> 00:21:04,230 Bye! Have a beautiful time!