1 00:00:03,337 --> 00:00:07,275 Stan, a new gym opened up on Oak Road. 2 00:00:07,375 --> 00:00:09,443 They're offering a free one-week trial! 3 00:00:09,543 --> 00:00:12,080 They have a pool, all-new equipment, 4 00:00:12,180 --> 00:00:16,184 and a "designated area for old men to blow-dry their balls." 5 00:00:16,284 --> 00:00:18,186 You had me at old men's balls. 6 00:00:18,286 --> 00:00:19,753 That was the last thing I said. 7 00:00:19,853 --> 00:00:21,055 And the best! 8 00:00:21,155 --> 00:00:24,192 I can't wait to commit to a new healthy lifestyle. 9 00:00:24,292 --> 00:00:26,927 What? You never commit to anything. 10 00:00:27,027 --> 00:00:28,229 You're a dabbler, Mom. 11 00:00:28,329 --> 00:00:29,730 Yeah, I'm a dabbler. 12 00:00:29,830 --> 00:00:32,233 And now I'm thinking about dabbling in committing. 13 00:00:32,333 --> 00:00:34,235 You know, when a gym's trying to get you to sign up, 14 00:00:34,335 --> 00:00:35,936 they'll do anything to keep you happy. 15 00:00:36,036 --> 00:00:39,140 But once you join, you're just some guy paying 60 bucks a month 16 00:00:39,240 --> 00:00:42,076 to have a place to stop and take dumps on the way home from work. 17 00:00:42,176 --> 00:00:44,712 So that's why you never go at home. 18 00:00:44,812 --> 00:00:47,115 I was beginning to think you were a Westworld. 19 00:00:47,215 --> 00:00:50,151 (laughing) 20 00:00:51,252 --> 00:00:55,256 (fly buzzes) 21 00:00:55,356 --> 00:00:57,725 (patriotic music plays) 22 00:00:57,825 --> 00:01:00,794 ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ 23 00:01:00,894 --> 00:01:04,165 ♪ I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪ 24 00:01:04,265 --> 00:01:07,501 ♪ The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪ 25 00:01:07,601 --> 00:01:12,072 ♪ And he's shinin' a salute to the American race ♪ 26 00:01:13,674 --> 00:01:16,844 ♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪ 27 00:01:16,944 --> 00:01:19,413 ♪ Good -- ♪ ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ 28 00:01:19,513 --> 00:01:20,848 Aah! 29 00:01:22,283 --> 00:01:25,353 ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ 30 00:01:25,453 --> 00:01:28,021 ♪♪ 31 00:01:29,022 --> 00:01:30,658 I love gym towels. 32 00:01:30,758 --> 00:01:33,694 Each one is the perfect size to dry one limb. 33 00:01:33,794 --> 00:01:36,464 I'm gonna make a ton of towel swans. 34 00:01:38,432 --> 00:01:40,434 Sir! You have to pay for those Muscle Milks! 35 00:01:40,534 --> 00:01:43,003 Doin' the free trial, my man! 36 00:01:50,811 --> 00:01:51,812 Hey -- 37 00:01:51,912 --> 00:01:54,014 That's enough of that! 38 00:01:59,153 --> 00:02:01,855 Where do they go? 39 00:02:01,955 --> 00:02:04,158 ♪♪ 40 00:02:04,258 --> 00:02:07,027 NARRATOR: Before the invention of the high-five, 41 00:02:07,127 --> 00:02:08,562 man searched in vain 42 00:02:08,662 --> 00:02:11,632 for a satisfying way to celebrate victory. 43 00:02:11,732 --> 00:02:14,335 Everything changed in 1977, 44 00:02:14,435 --> 00:02:17,538 with the first-ever recorded high-five. 45 00:02:17,638 --> 00:02:18,806 Oh, the high-five. 46 00:02:18,906 --> 00:02:21,375 Not to toot my own horn but...I invented that. 47 00:02:21,475 --> 00:02:24,645 ...invented by Glenn Burke and Dusty Baker. 48 00:02:24,745 --> 00:02:25,813 What?! 49 00:02:25,913 --> 00:02:27,248 Glenn and I were at Dodger Stadium 50 00:02:27,348 --> 00:02:29,650 and we stumbled upon this perfect hand thing 51 00:02:29,750 --> 00:02:31,018 that changed the world. 52 00:02:31,118 --> 00:02:33,321 Lies! I invented the high-five 53 00:02:33,421 --> 00:02:36,857 after passing my drug test at the 1974 Junior Olympics! 54 00:02:36,957 --> 00:02:39,560 Not according to this IFC documentary. 55 00:02:39,660 --> 00:02:42,062 IFC?! IFC are liars! 56 00:02:42,162 --> 00:02:44,365 Don't call yourself the Independent Film Channel 57 00:02:44,465 --> 00:02:46,434 and then air A Very Brady Sequel! 58 00:02:46,534 --> 00:02:49,203 Hang on, Klaus. What are you angry about? 59 00:02:49,303 --> 00:02:51,239 IFC or the high-five thing? 60 00:02:51,339 --> 00:02:53,173 Ohhh, the high-five! 61 00:02:53,274 --> 00:02:54,608 I invented that! 62 00:02:54,708 --> 00:02:56,377 Not according to IFC. 63 00:02:56,477 --> 00:02:59,513 Ohhh, don't get me started on IFC! 64 00:03:00,781 --> 00:03:02,883 So, what are you gonna do today? 65 00:03:02,983 --> 00:03:04,385 Probably cool down at the pool, 66 00:03:04,485 --> 00:03:06,787 release some towel swans, wonder where they go. 67 00:03:06,887 --> 00:03:09,723 If you want results, you got to stick to your routine. 68 00:03:09,823 --> 00:03:10,858 (beeps) 69 00:03:10,958 --> 00:03:11,759 Whoops! 70 00:03:11,859 --> 00:03:13,394 Your free trial is over. 71 00:03:13,494 --> 00:03:16,764 Let's just sign you up for paid membership, get you in there. 72 00:03:16,864 --> 00:03:18,266 Oh, yeah, yeah, of course. 73 00:03:18,366 --> 00:03:21,034 Let me just get my credit card out of my pocket... 74 00:03:28,075 --> 00:03:30,110 ♪♪ 75 00:03:30,210 --> 00:03:32,713 You were right to add HBO Latino, Jeff. 76 00:03:32,813 --> 00:03:35,749 Schindler's List is much less sad when it's in Spanish. 77 00:03:35,849 --> 00:03:38,252 SEÑOR SCHINDLER: Uno mas! Uno mas muchacho! 78 00:03:38,352 --> 00:03:39,587 (door opens, closes) 79 00:03:39,687 --> 00:03:41,489 Just because I don't want to go to the gym 80 00:03:41,589 --> 00:03:42,790 doesn't mean you can't. 81 00:03:42,890 --> 00:03:45,326 But I was really liking going together. 82 00:03:45,426 --> 00:03:48,929 Guess I can't go at all. Uch, so unfair! 83 00:03:49,029 --> 00:03:51,332 Wait a second, are you using me as an excuse 84 00:03:51,432 --> 00:03:52,666 to stop going to the gym? 85 00:03:52,766 --> 00:03:54,935 -That's ridiculous. -Is it, Mom? 86 00:03:55,035 --> 00:03:58,639 It kind of sounds like ceramics class all over again. 87 00:03:58,739 --> 00:04:00,308 I only quit that class because 88 00:04:00,408 --> 00:04:03,577 your dad couldn't get hard if my hands smelled like clay! 89 00:04:03,677 --> 00:04:06,179 O...kay. How about when you were gonna learn Spanish, 90 00:04:06,280 --> 00:04:08,316 but then you quit because your kids only speak English 91 00:04:08,416 --> 00:04:10,318 and you wanted to be able to understand them? 92 00:04:10,418 --> 00:04:13,654 I wanted to communicate with my kids. 93 00:04:13,754 --> 00:04:15,589 Take me away, officer! 94 00:04:15,689 --> 00:04:17,024 Yeah, I was pretty bummed 95 00:04:17,124 --> 00:04:20,127 when you quit writing your one-woman show, Mrs. S. 96 00:04:20,227 --> 00:04:23,163 I told you, I haven't lived the ending yet. 97 00:04:23,263 --> 00:04:24,965 That just seems like another excuse. 98 00:04:25,065 --> 00:04:27,000 You know, Mom, it sounds like Dad has a good point. 99 00:04:27,100 --> 00:04:28,436 It is a good point. 100 00:04:28,536 --> 00:04:31,038 (gasps) Steve said it, too! Hear that, hon? 101 00:04:31,138 --> 00:04:33,307 I made a good point about you being a quitter! 102 00:04:33,407 --> 00:04:36,109 Me! Stan Smith! Good point guy! 103 00:04:36,209 --> 00:04:39,547 Come on, kids! I say "good," you say "point"! Good! 104 00:04:39,647 --> 00:04:40,548 Point! Good! Point! 105 00:04:40,648 --> 00:04:41,849 Good! Point! Point! What? 106 00:04:41,949 --> 00:04:44,117 Good! Point! Oh! Point! 107 00:04:44,217 --> 00:04:45,686 Good point. 108 00:04:46,454 --> 00:04:47,888 (crowd cheering) 109 00:04:47,988 --> 00:04:49,357 ANNOUNCER: Fans, please welcome 110 00:04:49,457 --> 00:04:51,359 the beloved inventor of the high-five, 111 00:04:51,459 --> 00:04:55,228 toothpick enthusiast Dusty Baker! 112 00:04:55,329 --> 00:04:56,163 Wow! 113 00:04:56,263 --> 00:04:58,466 I am so blessed to see 114 00:04:58,566 --> 00:05:02,002 how the world's embraced my little iconic gesture -- 115 00:05:02,102 --> 00:05:04,338 KLAUS: Liar! 116 00:05:04,438 --> 00:05:05,339 Liar! 117 00:05:05,439 --> 00:05:07,508 I invented the high-five! 118 00:05:07,608 --> 00:05:10,911 Whoops, sounds like someone had a little too much to drink. 119 00:05:11,011 --> 00:05:14,748 Please! How can anyone get drunk paying $14 a beer? 120 00:05:14,848 --> 00:05:17,885 It's half my disability check just to catch a buzz! 121 00:05:17,985 --> 00:05:20,554 I'm sorry, are you mad about the price of beer 122 00:05:20,654 --> 00:05:22,390 or the origin of the high-five? 123 00:05:22,490 --> 00:05:24,825 Ohhh, the high-five! 124 00:05:24,925 --> 00:05:26,193 I invented that! 125 00:05:26,293 --> 00:05:28,896 (crowd booing) 126 00:05:28,996 --> 00:05:30,498 It's okay, folks! 127 00:05:30,598 --> 00:05:33,434 The high-five is such a natural expression of joy 128 00:05:33,534 --> 00:05:36,904 that people want to claim ownership, but truly... 129 00:05:37,004 --> 00:05:39,540 it belongs to all of us. 130 00:05:39,640 --> 00:05:42,075 (cheers and applause) 131 00:05:44,412 --> 00:05:47,047 Listen, you seem like a good guy. 132 00:05:47,147 --> 00:05:50,217 Why don't I have you over for a drink, sort this all out? 133 00:05:50,317 --> 00:05:53,721 Buddy, I don't drink, I get wasted! 134 00:05:53,821 --> 00:05:54,922 Yeah-ha! 135 00:05:55,022 --> 00:05:59,259 I'ma piss on your futon! Sigma Chi! 136 00:06:00,694 --> 00:06:02,262 STAN: Jacket material? 137 00:06:02,362 --> 00:06:04,064 Satin's always in style. 138 00:06:04,164 --> 00:06:05,132 Lining? 139 00:06:05,232 --> 00:06:06,934 Satin's always popular. 140 00:06:07,034 --> 00:06:08,268 Font? 141 00:06:08,368 --> 00:06:11,639 Obviously Laverne & Shirley shadow bold. 142 00:06:13,707 --> 00:06:15,743 And order. 143 00:06:15,843 --> 00:06:16,744 Three weeks?! 144 00:06:16,844 --> 00:06:19,112 Well, I'll just stay busy. 145 00:06:19,212 --> 00:06:23,917 ♪♪ 146 00:06:24,017 --> 00:06:28,756 ♪♪ 147 00:06:28,856 --> 00:06:33,494 ♪♪ 148 00:06:33,594 --> 00:06:35,963 -Dad? -Can't you see I'm busy?! 149 00:06:36,063 --> 00:06:37,765 Every time! 150 00:06:37,865 --> 00:06:41,769 (whistling) 151 00:06:44,972 --> 00:06:46,073 I don't see any need 152 00:06:46,173 --> 00:06:48,408 to bring insurance companies into this. 153 00:06:50,478 --> 00:06:52,345 Francine! What's wrong with you? 154 00:06:52,446 --> 00:06:54,782 Did my good point crush your spirit? 155 00:06:54,882 --> 00:06:56,984 You're making me feel terrible about my new jacket. 156 00:06:57,084 --> 00:06:59,152 Check it out, oh, yeah! 157 00:06:59,252 --> 00:07:01,321 "Good point gay"? 158 00:07:01,421 --> 00:07:02,923 What?! 159 00:07:03,023 --> 00:07:04,992 Are you kidding me?! Really?! 160 00:07:05,092 --> 00:07:06,293 What time is it? 161 00:07:06,393 --> 00:07:07,695 I got to get back to the gym. 162 00:07:07,795 --> 00:07:08,862 But you quit the gym. 163 00:07:08,962 --> 00:07:10,464 I wrote a whole jacket about it. 164 00:07:10,564 --> 00:07:12,633 Ooaaaah! 165 00:07:12,733 --> 00:07:17,838 ♪♪ 166 00:07:17,938 --> 00:07:20,808 B-b-b-boner from body! 167 00:07:20,908 --> 00:07:22,676 Body give boner! 168 00:07:22,776 --> 00:07:25,513 Beautiful body give baby boner! 169 00:07:25,613 --> 00:07:27,047 Oh, mommy! 170 00:07:30,283 --> 00:07:31,519 Ooaaaah! 171 00:07:31,619 --> 00:07:33,887 -Stan -- -Ooaaaah! 172 00:07:33,987 --> 00:07:35,222 Okay. Explain. 173 00:07:35,322 --> 00:07:38,726 Well, as much as it hurt, you did have a good point. 174 00:07:38,826 --> 00:07:42,062 I tend to quit things, and I want to change that. 175 00:07:42,162 --> 00:07:44,665 So I decided to stick with the gym. 176 00:07:44,765 --> 00:07:48,902 And my trainer, Jackie, has been helping me push past my limits. 177 00:07:49,002 --> 00:07:50,671 Are you even listening to me? 178 00:07:50,771 --> 00:07:51,872 Yeah, yeah, you said, 179 00:07:51,972 --> 00:07:54,842 "Lackie, bleen be mush mast your glinglets." 180 00:07:54,942 --> 00:07:56,376 Now let's screw! 181 00:07:56,476 --> 00:07:58,846 That was so powerful, Francine. 182 00:07:58,946 --> 00:08:00,180 So special. 183 00:08:00,280 --> 00:08:02,516 I trust it put an end to those nasty rumors 184 00:08:02,616 --> 00:08:04,518 my jacket's been spreading. 185 00:08:04,618 --> 00:08:05,853 What are you doing? 186 00:08:05,953 --> 00:08:07,555 I'm heading back to the gym. 187 00:08:07,655 --> 00:08:10,023 No, but stay here, though. 188 00:08:10,123 --> 00:08:12,926 Stan, I have to go. It's a leg day. 189 00:08:13,026 --> 00:08:16,063 I called the gym and they said it's a bed day. 190 00:08:16,163 --> 00:08:18,031 Honey. 191 00:08:18,131 --> 00:08:19,567 Human blanket! 192 00:08:19,667 --> 00:08:21,735 Don't go. You can bwame bwanket. 193 00:08:21,835 --> 00:08:24,004 Stan, I promised myself. 194 00:08:24,104 --> 00:08:27,407 I can't miss my workouts. 195 00:08:27,507 --> 00:08:29,209 (grunts) 196 00:08:29,309 --> 00:08:31,211 That was a hot slam, Francine! 197 00:08:31,311 --> 00:08:32,379 Hey, Steve, what's up? 198 00:08:32,479 --> 00:08:34,181 Your mom just gave me a hot slam. 199 00:08:34,281 --> 00:08:35,248 Did you feel the house move? 200 00:08:35,348 --> 00:08:37,517 I'm just trying to walk down the hall. 201 00:08:40,921 --> 00:08:42,923 Everything's gold. 202 00:08:43,023 --> 00:08:46,026 That classy sonuvabitch. 203 00:08:51,198 --> 00:08:52,600 (clap) 204 00:08:55,936 --> 00:08:59,640 (harp music playing) 205 00:08:59,740 --> 00:09:02,109 Klaus! The fish from the game! 206 00:09:02,209 --> 00:09:05,746 Thank you so much for coming to my home. 207 00:09:07,047 --> 00:09:08,081 Now, listen here, Dusty -- 208 00:09:08,181 --> 00:09:09,549 Toothpick for your lamb? 209 00:09:09,650 --> 00:09:12,319 Everything tastes better with just a hint of tree. 210 00:09:12,419 --> 00:09:13,453 Who cares?! 211 00:09:13,553 --> 00:09:15,122 I want to talk about the high-five. 212 00:09:15,222 --> 00:09:17,758 I invented it. Not you. Are we clear? 213 00:09:17,858 --> 00:09:20,761 I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree. 214 00:09:20,861 --> 00:09:23,597 (laughs) It's like Tina Turner said to me -- 215 00:09:23,697 --> 00:09:24,798 Stop! 216 00:09:24,898 --> 00:09:26,934 You know Tina Turner? 217 00:09:27,034 --> 00:09:29,402 She's a dear, dear friend. 218 00:09:29,502 --> 00:09:32,606 Tell me right now... did you smush her? 219 00:09:32,706 --> 00:09:35,175 Klaus, a gentleman never tells. 220 00:09:35,275 --> 00:09:39,913 But I will say, if I "high-fived" her in an elevator, 221 00:09:40,013 --> 00:09:42,616 it was ♪ Simply the best 222 00:09:46,754 --> 00:09:48,421 Who is this? 223 00:09:48,521 --> 00:09:50,190 What is that? 224 00:09:50,858 --> 00:09:54,161 Oh! Aah! Where was that there?! Francine! 225 00:09:54,995 --> 00:09:57,264 Roger, who the hell parked their van in the driveway? 226 00:09:57,364 --> 00:09:59,767 Oh, that's Jackie. Francine's gym friend. 227 00:09:59,867 --> 00:10:02,369 Oh, there's another muscle lady in the house? 228 00:10:02,469 --> 00:10:03,804 Yes, there is. 229 00:10:03,904 --> 00:10:05,138 And she's a man! 230 00:10:05,238 --> 00:10:06,306 Well, sort of. 231 00:10:06,406 --> 00:10:08,141 In pursuit of the perfect bikini front, 232 00:10:08,241 --> 00:10:11,645 I trained my penis to permanently recede into my body. 233 00:10:11,745 --> 00:10:13,647 -How far? -Out the back. 234 00:10:13,747 --> 00:10:16,216 It looks like he has a tail. Show him, Jackie. 235 00:10:16,316 --> 00:10:18,285 Francine! 236 00:10:21,021 --> 00:10:22,622 Francine, we need to talk. 237 00:10:22,723 --> 00:10:25,125 Sure, but could you hop on my back? 238 00:10:25,225 --> 00:10:27,661 I need more resistance. 239 00:10:27,761 --> 00:10:29,830 Okay, Francine, I get it, good job. 240 00:10:29,930 --> 00:10:31,832 I don't think you're a quitter anymore. 241 00:10:31,932 --> 00:10:35,368 Now that you've proven me wrong, can you...quit? 242 00:10:35,468 --> 00:10:38,405 I'm not trying to prove anything to you. 243 00:10:38,505 --> 00:10:39,506 This is for me. 244 00:10:39,606 --> 00:10:41,141 But it's affecting everyone. 245 00:10:41,241 --> 00:10:44,077 The house is a mess, every meal is some gross shake, 246 00:10:44,177 --> 00:10:46,046 and the last three family movie nights 247 00:10:46,146 --> 00:10:48,215 have been P90X workout videos. 248 00:10:48,315 --> 00:10:50,350 I'm so distracted I didn't even ask Roger 249 00:10:50,450 --> 00:10:52,185 why he's dressed like a park ranger. 250 00:10:52,285 --> 00:10:54,021 And you just know it's something cool! 251 00:10:54,121 --> 00:10:55,322 Well, I'm not quitting. 252 00:10:55,422 --> 00:10:56,690 Jackie and I just entered 253 00:10:56,790 --> 00:10:58,926 the Langley Falls Bodybuilding Competition. 254 00:10:59,026 --> 00:11:01,061 So what, you're just gonna keep doing this forever? 255 00:11:01,161 --> 00:11:02,329 Yes! 256 00:11:02,429 --> 00:11:05,432 Yes! Of course I can get Francine to quit. 257 00:11:05,532 --> 00:11:07,534 Let's not forget she's a quitter at heart. 258 00:11:07,634 --> 00:11:10,337 She didn't even get around to stuffing her Build-A-Bear. 259 00:11:10,437 --> 00:11:12,205 And remember her one-woman show? 260 00:11:12,305 --> 00:11:15,508 ♪♪ 261 00:11:15,608 --> 00:11:17,945 I just want things the way they were. 262 00:11:18,045 --> 00:11:20,080 All she needs is a little setback. 263 00:11:20,180 --> 00:11:23,383 Like say...if you and I were to beat them 264 00:11:23,483 --> 00:11:25,018 in the bodybuilding competition. 265 00:11:25,118 --> 00:11:27,354 How are we gonna do that? She's been training for weeks. 266 00:11:27,454 --> 00:11:28,722 It won't be easy. 267 00:11:28,822 --> 00:11:30,724 Transforming your body will take dedication. 268 00:11:30,824 --> 00:11:34,294 No time for family or friends. I am talking total sacrifice. 269 00:11:34,394 --> 00:11:36,897 I'm talkin' no sweets, Stan. I'm in. 270 00:11:36,997 --> 00:11:38,932 Did you hear the part about no sweets? Yes. 271 00:11:39,032 --> 00:11:41,601 That means no cookies, you little cookie monster. 272 00:11:41,701 --> 00:11:44,204 Roger! Sorry, I had to test your dedication. 273 00:11:44,304 --> 00:11:45,572 Now I have to test... 274 00:11:45,672 --> 00:11:48,708 how much steroids you can take in your neck. 275 00:11:48,809 --> 00:11:51,211 ♪♪ 276 00:11:51,311 --> 00:11:52,980 Dusty, I got to say, 277 00:11:53,080 --> 00:11:55,883 these have been some of the best days of my life. 278 00:11:55,983 --> 00:11:59,086 I can't believe I was mad at you about the high-five. 279 00:11:59,186 --> 00:12:04,424 'Cause now you're like my best friend. 280 00:12:04,524 --> 00:12:05,759 My man! 281 00:12:05,859 --> 00:12:08,461 Can I get a high-five? 282 00:12:08,561 --> 00:12:10,297 Dusty, ow! 283 00:12:10,397 --> 00:12:11,765 What are you doing? 284 00:12:11,865 --> 00:12:13,967 (whispers) I stole it from you. 285 00:12:14,067 --> 00:12:17,737 I was at the Junior Olympics when you invented the high-five. 286 00:12:17,838 --> 00:12:21,741 It was so beautiful. I had to make it mine. 287 00:12:21,842 --> 00:12:23,010 What? 288 00:12:23,110 --> 00:12:25,813 You know how hard it is to be a famously nice guy 289 00:12:25,913 --> 00:12:29,349 when I'm constantly reminded that my greatest accomplishment 290 00:12:29,449 --> 00:12:30,784 is a lie?! 291 00:12:30,884 --> 00:12:32,119 Without the high-five, 292 00:12:32,219 --> 00:12:34,654 I'm just a highly respected athlete 293 00:12:34,754 --> 00:12:36,990 who transitioned perfectly into a vibrant 294 00:12:37,090 --> 00:12:40,928 and fulfilling second act as a leader of men. 295 00:12:41,028 --> 00:12:42,295 That still sounds pretty good. 296 00:12:42,395 --> 00:12:44,865 To you! The great genius! 297 00:12:44,965 --> 00:12:46,666 Don't you see I hurt?! 298 00:12:46,766 --> 00:12:48,869 So I decided to hurt you. 299 00:12:48,969 --> 00:12:51,839 First by showing you everything that should've been yours, 300 00:12:51,939 --> 00:12:56,443 and now by taking away everything you've got! 301 00:12:56,543 --> 00:12:59,146 But you already have the only great thing I ever did! 302 00:12:59,246 --> 00:13:00,948 What more can you take?! 303 00:13:01,048 --> 00:13:03,283 Well, I could start with... 304 00:13:03,383 --> 00:13:04,852 (German accent) ...your accent. 305 00:13:04,952 --> 00:13:07,520 Now I am German sounding! 306 00:13:07,620 --> 00:13:09,122 (gasps) 307 00:13:10,958 --> 00:13:15,528 And then I take your whole fish idea. 308 00:13:21,468 --> 00:13:23,871 Who is the fish now? 309 00:13:23,971 --> 00:13:26,139 Finally, I steal from you 310 00:13:26,239 --> 00:13:30,143 the ability to breathe underwater! 311 00:13:31,344 --> 00:13:32,712 (gulping) 312 00:13:32,812 --> 00:13:35,916 (gurgling) 313 00:13:41,588 --> 00:13:44,357 Well, I think we both saw that coming. 314 00:13:44,457 --> 00:13:48,896 ♪♪ 315 00:13:48,996 --> 00:13:53,400 ♪♪ 316 00:13:53,500 --> 00:13:55,768 Give it up for Jan and Jim López! 317 00:13:55,869 --> 00:13:59,606 Who's who? Hard to tell, but fun to guess! 318 00:14:01,374 --> 00:14:03,210 Arms up, pull it down! 319 00:14:03,310 --> 00:14:04,912 Attagirl, Francine! 320 00:14:05,012 --> 00:14:06,446 You're so big! 321 00:14:06,546 --> 00:14:08,015 ROGER: You think she's big? 322 00:14:08,115 --> 00:14:10,350 Excuse me, I'm trying to... 323 00:14:10,450 --> 00:14:12,619 If I could just get past. 324 00:14:12,719 --> 00:14:13,887 Thank you -- Johnny? 325 00:14:13,987 --> 00:14:15,222 Sorry. I thought you were someone else. 326 00:14:15,322 --> 00:14:16,389 'Scuse me. Sorry. 327 00:14:16,489 --> 00:14:17,891 Stan, that was definitely Johnny. 328 00:14:17,991 --> 00:14:19,526 We had sex. Pardon me! 329 00:14:19,626 --> 00:14:21,261 Sorry, where was I? Oh, yeah. 330 00:14:21,361 --> 00:14:23,296 You think she's big?! 331 00:14:24,864 --> 00:14:25,966 Ta da! 332 00:14:26,066 --> 00:14:29,602 Boom. Rat braid. Ready to quit? 333 00:14:29,702 --> 00:14:33,273 I cannot believe you would do this just to get me to quit! 334 00:14:33,373 --> 00:14:36,276 Well, it's only gonna make me try harder! 335 00:14:36,376 --> 00:14:38,045 You just woke the dragon. 336 00:14:38,145 --> 00:14:41,281 Eeeeh! 337 00:14:41,381 --> 00:14:44,551 I'm sorry, I don't know what a dragon is. 338 00:14:44,651 --> 00:14:47,955 Please welcome Stan Smith and Tammy Twopiece! 339 00:14:48,055 --> 00:14:50,090 ♪ Dirty South, uh-huh ♪ 340 00:14:50,190 --> 00:14:51,591 ♪ Can y'all really feel me ♪ 341 00:14:51,691 --> 00:14:53,393 ♪ East Coast, feel me ♪ 342 00:14:53,493 --> 00:14:55,062 ♪ West Coast, feel me ♪ 343 00:14:55,162 --> 00:15:00,267 ♪ Boy, I've been watching you like the hawk in the sky ♪ 344 00:15:00,367 --> 00:15:03,803 ♪ That flies and you were my prey ♪ 345 00:15:03,903 --> 00:15:07,140 ♪ Boy, I promise you if we keep bumpin' heads ♪ 346 00:15:07,240 --> 00:15:08,775 ♪ I know that one of these days ♪ 347 00:15:08,875 --> 00:15:10,477 (cheers and applause) 348 00:15:10,577 --> 00:15:14,181 ♪ We gon' hook it up while we talk on the phone ♪ 349 00:15:14,281 --> 00:15:17,650 ♪ But see, I don't know if that's good ♪ 350 00:15:17,750 --> 00:15:21,088 ♪ I've been holdin' back this secret from you ♪ 351 00:15:21,188 --> 00:15:23,023 ♪ I probably shouldn't tell it, but ♪ 352 00:15:23,123 --> 00:15:26,693 ♪ If I, if I let you know ♪ 353 00:15:26,793 --> 00:15:31,164 ♪ You can't tell nobody, I'm talkin' 'bout nobody ♪ 354 00:15:31,264 --> 00:15:32,132 (cheers and applause) 355 00:15:32,232 --> 00:15:33,700 That, ladies and gentlemen, 356 00:15:33,800 --> 00:15:37,104 is what Langley Bodybuilding is all about! 357 00:15:38,838 --> 00:15:40,873 You'll never beat that. 358 00:15:42,809 --> 00:15:43,876 We can do this! 359 00:15:43,977 --> 00:15:45,678 No limits! No limits! 360 00:15:45,778 --> 00:15:48,715 (classical music playing) 361 00:15:48,815 --> 00:15:55,022 ♪♪ 362 00:15:55,122 --> 00:16:01,328 ♪♪ 363 00:16:01,428 --> 00:16:02,529 We're losing them! 364 00:16:02,629 --> 00:16:04,131 Let's spell it out for them. 365 00:16:04,231 --> 00:16:06,166 Ab-phabet. 366 00:16:06,266 --> 00:16:09,869 ♪♪ 367 00:16:09,969 --> 00:16:13,540 ♪♪ 368 00:16:13,640 --> 00:16:16,043 (cheers and applause) 369 00:16:16,143 --> 00:16:19,646 ♪♪ 370 00:16:19,746 --> 00:16:21,681 You can't hold that pose forever! 371 00:16:21,781 --> 00:16:23,883 Oh, yes, I can! 372 00:16:23,983 --> 00:16:27,920 I'll never quit! 373 00:16:28,021 --> 00:16:31,924 (groaning) 374 00:16:32,025 --> 00:16:33,760 A new vein -- gross! 375 00:16:33,860 --> 00:16:35,362 And the judges love it! 376 00:16:35,462 --> 00:16:38,831 I'm absolutely losing my mind here! 377 00:16:38,931 --> 00:16:41,734 ♪♪ 378 00:16:41,834 --> 00:16:46,406 (groaning) 379 00:16:46,506 --> 00:16:50,009 Are we about to see the world's first brain flex?! 380 00:16:50,110 --> 00:16:52,011 ♪♪ 381 00:16:52,112 --> 00:16:54,214 (pop!) 382 00:16:54,314 --> 00:16:56,049 (audience gasps) 383 00:16:56,149 --> 00:16:58,185 (grunting) 384 00:17:02,622 --> 00:17:05,392 Francine's extreme exertion during the competition 385 00:17:05,492 --> 00:17:07,060 caused her to have an aneurysm. 386 00:17:07,160 --> 00:17:08,195 She's in a coma. 387 00:17:08,295 --> 00:17:10,130 This is totally my fault. 388 00:17:10,230 --> 00:17:12,865 If only I hadn't strong-armed my way 389 00:17:12,965 --> 00:17:14,634 into that bodybuilding competition. 390 00:17:14,734 --> 00:17:16,136 Sir, please stop posing. 391 00:17:16,236 --> 00:17:19,739 I can't. This is shaking me to the core! 392 00:17:19,839 --> 00:17:21,141 Stan, snap out of it! 393 00:17:21,241 --> 00:17:23,476 Don't you understand, Franny's in trouble! 394 00:17:23,576 --> 00:17:24,811 Yah! 395 00:17:24,911 --> 00:17:25,978 (monitor beeping) 396 00:17:26,079 --> 00:17:27,947 Roger, snap out of it! 397 00:17:28,047 --> 00:17:30,083 These machines are keeping her alive! 398 00:17:30,183 --> 00:17:31,251 Is she gonna live? 399 00:17:31,351 --> 00:17:32,885 Well, that depends. 400 00:17:32,985 --> 00:17:34,221 Is she a fighter? 401 00:17:34,321 --> 00:17:35,255 Hell yeah, she is! 402 00:17:35,355 --> 00:17:37,890 Or...a quitter? 403 00:17:37,990 --> 00:17:40,393 Oooooh. 404 00:17:40,493 --> 00:17:43,296 A q-q-quitter, that's, uh, an interesting word to choose, 405 00:17:43,396 --> 00:17:46,933 given, uh, it's been a-a recent, uh, bone of contention, 406 00:17:47,033 --> 00:17:48,435 uh, between me and my wife. 407 00:17:48,535 --> 00:17:49,802 Are you guys on drugs? 408 00:17:49,902 --> 00:17:52,139 -Very much. -Yes. An incredible amount. Yes. 409 00:17:58,077 --> 00:17:59,312 She's unresponsive. 410 00:17:59,412 --> 00:18:02,315 But it doesn't mean she's not in there. 411 00:18:09,756 --> 00:18:12,959 It all began when I was 15. 412 00:18:13,059 --> 00:18:17,997 I begged my mom for a drum kit, and she got it for me. 413 00:18:18,097 --> 00:18:22,635 I was going to be the world's best female drummer. 414 00:18:22,735 --> 00:18:25,705 Big drum, big drum, middle one, little one, foot drum, 415 00:18:25,805 --> 00:18:28,308 metal thing, metal thing, no mistakes! 416 00:18:28,408 --> 00:18:30,377 That was my dream. 417 00:18:30,477 --> 00:18:33,846 But instead of practicing, I got real high. 418 00:18:33,946 --> 00:18:36,015 But this isn't about drugs. 419 00:18:36,115 --> 00:18:39,118 This is about me quitting. 420 00:18:39,219 --> 00:18:42,622 And I quit everything. 421 00:18:44,457 --> 00:18:48,861 Two years later, I wanted to become a chef. 422 00:18:48,961 --> 00:18:50,530 Chop, chop, sizzle, sizzle! 423 00:18:50,630 --> 00:18:51,864 (sighs) 424 00:18:51,964 --> 00:18:55,368 Working at Applebee's is not as glamorous 425 00:18:55,468 --> 00:18:57,670 as it's chopped up to be. 426 00:18:57,770 --> 00:18:59,339 I quit! 427 00:19:01,308 --> 00:19:02,742 Yo soy. 428 00:19:02,842 --> 00:19:04,311 Yo soy. 429 00:19:04,411 --> 00:19:05,912 Tu eres. 430 00:19:06,012 --> 00:19:07,079 Too much! 431 00:19:07,180 --> 00:19:09,416 How do you say "quit" in Spanish? 432 00:19:09,516 --> 00:19:10,817 I don't know. 433 00:19:10,917 --> 00:19:12,919 Are you getting it yet? 434 00:19:15,355 --> 00:19:17,990 So when I started bodybuilding, 435 00:19:18,090 --> 00:19:20,827 I made a promise I wouldn't quit. 436 00:19:20,927 --> 00:19:22,229 But guess what? 437 00:19:22,329 --> 00:19:24,431 My body quit on me. 438 00:19:24,531 --> 00:19:27,667 Isn't that the most Francine thing you ever heard? 439 00:19:27,767 --> 00:19:29,068 (growls) 440 00:19:29,168 --> 00:19:30,370 Bingah! 441 00:19:30,470 --> 00:19:34,374 (babbles) 442 00:19:34,474 --> 00:19:38,044 Pac-Man game over sound. 443 00:19:38,144 --> 00:19:40,880 Now, that my body's given up, 444 00:19:40,980 --> 00:19:44,183 maybe it's time for my spirit to quit, too. 445 00:19:44,284 --> 00:19:45,852 STAN: This is bullshit! 446 00:19:45,952 --> 00:19:47,354 Who's heckling me?! 447 00:19:47,454 --> 00:19:49,422 I'm trying to end this! 448 00:19:49,522 --> 00:19:50,757 It's not over! 449 00:19:51,791 --> 00:19:52,959 Stan? 450 00:19:53,059 --> 00:19:55,528 I'm sorry I made you feel bad about quitting. 451 00:19:55,628 --> 00:19:56,929 Quitting's not so bad. 452 00:19:57,029 --> 00:19:59,432 It means you have a curious mind. 453 00:19:59,532 --> 00:20:02,735 And you want to taste everything life has to offer. 454 00:20:02,835 --> 00:20:05,204 Plus, you never quit me. 455 00:20:05,305 --> 00:20:07,440 Even though you probably should have. 456 00:20:07,540 --> 00:20:09,476 I do stupid stuff. 457 00:20:09,576 --> 00:20:10,943 You do do stupid stuff. 458 00:20:11,043 --> 00:20:12,144 Shut the (bleep) up! 459 00:20:12,245 --> 00:20:15,482 Oh, Francine, I can't lose you. I need you! 460 00:20:15,582 --> 00:20:18,251 Stan... I got to end my show. 461 00:20:18,351 --> 00:20:19,919 Don't do it. Don't go! 462 00:20:20,019 --> 00:20:21,788 If you all think this show's 463 00:20:21,888 --> 00:20:24,257 coming to some exciting conclusion, 464 00:20:24,357 --> 00:20:26,993 you haven't been paying attention. 465 00:20:27,093 --> 00:20:30,263 It ends like everything ends. 466 00:20:31,564 --> 00:20:33,566 With me quitting. 467 00:20:35,468 --> 00:20:36,636 Being in a coma! 468 00:20:36,736 --> 00:20:38,838 Geez! A little warning next time, Francine! 469 00:20:38,938 --> 00:20:40,840 -She's awake! -Mommy! 470 00:20:40,940 --> 00:20:43,510 I'm sorry, it's time to pull the plug 471 00:20:43,610 --> 00:20:45,745 and end this morbid charade. 472 00:20:45,845 --> 00:20:47,747 Your wife is never going to -- 473 00:20:47,847 --> 00:20:48,848 Oh, she woke up! 474 00:20:48,948 --> 00:20:52,319 I did it again. I saved a life. Yes! 475 00:20:52,419 --> 00:20:53,853 But some sad news. 476 00:20:53,953 --> 00:20:56,188 Earlier today, Dusty Baker drowned 477 00:20:56,289 --> 00:20:58,791 in a giant fish bowl of his own creation. 478 00:20:58,891 --> 00:21:00,693 TOGETHER: No! 479 00:21:02,094 --> 00:21:04,196 Bye-bye! See you soon!