1
00:00:01,131 --> 00:00:03,351
♪♪

2
00:00:03,481 --> 00:00:04,743
Isn't this great?

3
00:00:04,874 --> 00:00:07,529
I said I wanted to get more
involved in Steve's school,

4
00:00:07,659 --> 00:00:08,878
and look at me now!

5
00:00:09,009 --> 00:00:11,054
Sitting front row
at a PTA meeting.

6
00:00:11,185 --> 00:00:15,232
And you wore the pink dress.
Excellent choice.

7
00:00:15,363 --> 00:00:16,103
[clears throat]
All right.

8
00:00:16,233 --> 00:00:17,713
The big item
on our agenda tonight

9
00:00:17,843 --> 00:00:20,237
is finding a replacement for
our guidance counselor, Sheila.

10
00:00:20,368 --> 00:00:22,892
So, unless anyone has
any other business --Smut!

11
00:00:23,023 --> 00:00:25,025
Our children are being
corrupted by smut!

12
00:00:25,155 --> 00:00:27,723
It's everywhere!
Just look at this pervert!

13
00:00:27,853 --> 00:00:29,333
Calls herself
a librarian!

14
00:00:29,464 --> 00:00:31,205
I call her
a smut peddler!

15
00:00:31,335 --> 00:00:32,989
The name's
Clum Bizzelskottom,

16
00:00:33,120 --> 00:00:35,905
and I say we burn all the books
in the library!

17
00:00:36,036 --> 00:00:37,298
Finally,
someone said it!

18
00:00:37,428 --> 00:00:39,778
But then what will
my children read?

19
00:00:39,909 --> 00:00:41,041
Glad you asked.

20
00:00:41,171 --> 00:00:43,347
They're gonna read
new books -- my books!

21
00:00:43,478 --> 00:00:45,045
I rewrote
all of the classics,

22
00:00:45,175 --> 00:00:46,698
but took out
all the dongs.

23
00:00:46,829 --> 00:00:48,048
Who needs
The Great Gatsby

24
00:00:48,178 --> 00:00:50,093
when they have
The Greatest Gatsby?

25
00:00:50,224 --> 00:00:53,618
Totally smut-free.
Clean as a freshly washed dong.

26
00:00:53,749 --> 00:00:55,403
Other classics
I've sanitized --

27
00:00:55,533 --> 00:00:58,275
Uncle Tom's
Luxurious Ski Chalet,

28
00:00:58,406 --> 00:01:00,060
Little [But Legal] Women,

29
00:01:00,190 --> 00:01:01,365
and Moby Dickless.

30
00:01:01,496 --> 00:01:02,758
What a presentation!

31
00:01:02,888 --> 00:01:05,065
Principal Loomis,
write this good man a check!

32
00:01:05,195 --> 00:01:06,631
[squishing]

33
00:01:06,762 --> 00:01:08,372
Sorry.
I-I wasn't paying attention.

34
00:01:08,503 --> 00:01:10,200
I have something
caught in my teeth.

35
00:01:10,331 --> 00:01:12,507
Hmm, but it's not food.

36
00:01:12,637 --> 00:01:15,858
Hmm. Have you tried
using your fingernail?

37
00:01:15,988 --> 00:01:18,208
[squishing]Ah.

38
00:01:18,339 --> 00:01:19,209
Well, I'll be!

39
00:01:19,340 --> 00:01:21,298
It's dollhouse furniture.

40
00:01:21,429 --> 00:01:24,040
Francine,
that was great advice.

41
00:01:24,171 --> 00:01:27,087
Hey! Youshould be
our new guidance counselor.

42
00:01:27,217 --> 00:01:29,437
Really?
I guess I could.

43
00:01:29,567 --> 00:01:32,004
All in favor of Francine
and the new expensive books?

44
00:01:32,135 --> 00:01:33,223
[cheering]

45
00:01:33,354 --> 00:01:35,138
We did it, Francine!
We screwed the school!

46
00:01:35,269 --> 00:01:36,357
Yay!

47
00:01:36,487 --> 00:01:39,099
♪♪

48
00:01:39,229 --> 00:01:41,231
♪ Good morning, U.S.A.

49
00:01:41,362 --> 00:01:45,105
♪ I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪

50
00:01:45,235 --> 00:01:48,195
♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪

51
00:01:48,325 --> 00:01:53,287
♪ And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race ♪

52
00:01:54,810 --> 00:01:58,292
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say

53
00:01:58,422 --> 00:02:00,772
♪ Good -- ♪ Good morning, U.S.A.

54
00:02:00,903 --> 00:02:02,034
Aah!

55
00:02:03,384 --> 00:02:06,343
♪ Good morning, U.S.A.

56
00:02:06,474 --> 00:02:09,129
[school bell rings]

57
00:02:10,434 --> 00:02:13,611
Ready to guide.

58
00:02:13,742 --> 00:02:15,178
[munches]

59
00:02:15,309 --> 00:02:16,701
[chair rattling]

60
00:02:16,832 --> 00:02:20,052
STEVE: All right, Sheila,
I had the dream again.
[gulps]

61
00:02:20,183 --> 00:02:21,141
The one about Snot.

62
00:02:21,271 --> 00:02:23,012
But this time,
my mom was there.

63
00:02:23,143 --> 00:02:25,797
She was super naked
and sucking on a garden hose!

64
00:02:25,928 --> 00:02:27,277
[muffled] Steve,
stop talking!

65
00:02:27,408 --> 00:02:29,236
Mom?!
Where's Sheila?

66
00:02:29,366 --> 00:02:30,411
I guess she left.

67
00:02:30,541 --> 00:02:32,108
Oh, good for her.

68
00:02:32,239 --> 00:02:34,241
You know, I'd walk
into this office every day,

69
00:02:34,371 --> 00:02:35,459
praying she wouldn't
be here.

70
00:02:35,590 --> 00:02:37,244
She must have done it.

71
00:02:37,374 --> 00:02:39,942
She must have run off with that
10th-grader she's in love with.

72
00:02:40,072 --> 00:02:41,726
Well, I'll get going.

73
00:02:41,857 --> 00:02:43,815
Probably shouldn't use my mom
as a therapist.

74
00:02:43,946 --> 00:02:45,469
I'm fine with it.
Me, too!

75
00:02:45,600 --> 00:02:47,906
So, what's in the news?

76
00:02:48,037 --> 00:02:51,040
Oh, did I tell you that
I've been named head designer

77
00:02:51,171 --> 00:02:53,085
for the French Club
Fashion Show?!

78
00:02:53,216 --> 00:02:54,826
Oh.
I can help with this.

79
00:02:54,957 --> 00:02:56,828
You're worried
your classmates

80
00:02:56,959 --> 00:02:58,743
are gonna think
that's really lame.

81
00:02:58,874 --> 00:03:00,963
Well, there's no shame
in dropping out.

82
00:03:01,093 --> 00:03:02,965
Who cares
what people think?

83
00:03:03,095 --> 00:03:05,097
Fashion design
is in my soul.

84
00:03:05,228 --> 00:03:06,751
If you don't express
what's in your soul,

85
00:03:06,882 --> 00:03:08,057
you might as well be dead.

86
00:03:08,188 --> 00:03:09,972
Okay.

87
00:03:10,102 --> 00:03:11,278
But have you considered

88
00:03:11,408 --> 00:03:14,455
your soul expressing
something cool instead?

89
00:03:14,585 --> 00:03:16,196
Something cooler
than knowing the difference

90
00:03:16,326 --> 00:03:19,199
between narrow striped silk
and warp-woven satin?

91
00:03:19,329 --> 00:03:21,853
What -- Ha --
Is there such a thing?

92
00:03:21,984 --> 00:03:23,377
Yes.
No.

93
00:03:23,507 --> 00:03:24,900
[pops lips]

94
00:03:25,030 --> 00:03:26,902
You're right to be
worried about Steve.

95
00:03:27,032 --> 00:03:28,295
If he does
that fashion show,

96
00:03:28,425 --> 00:03:30,514
the Golden Girls are
gonna tear him apart.

97
00:03:30,645 --> 00:03:32,342
The Golden Girls?

98
00:03:32,473 --> 00:03:34,344
The coolest
and the cruelest kids

99
00:03:34,475 --> 00:03:35,867
this school
has ever seen.

100
00:03:35,998 --> 00:03:39,436
Dorothy, Blanche,
and the queen bee, Sophia.

101
00:03:39,567 --> 00:03:40,742
They're bad-ass --

102
00:03:40,872 --> 00:03:42,352
just look at
their signature haircuts.

103
00:03:42,483 --> 00:03:43,919
I'm sorry.

104
00:03:44,049 --> 00:03:46,922
Are you a janitor who's taking
pictures of the students?

105
00:03:47,052 --> 00:03:48,358
It's a persona.

106
00:03:48,489 --> 00:03:50,273
These girls don't
just break the rules,

107
00:03:50,404 --> 00:03:51,666
they makethe rules.

108
00:03:51,796 --> 00:03:53,711
They wear
men's boxer briefs

109
00:03:53,842 --> 00:03:55,757
as shorts over
one-piece bathing suits.

110
00:03:55,887 --> 00:03:57,498
They roll
their own tampons.

111
00:03:57,628 --> 00:04:00,892
And they all have
matching gold bowling jackets,

112
00:04:01,023 --> 00:04:01,980
even though
they don't bowl...

113
00:04:02,111 --> 00:04:03,155
or get cold.

114
00:04:03,286 --> 00:04:04,418
Oh, my God.

115
00:04:04,548 --> 00:04:07,377
It's the archery team
all over again!

116
00:04:07,508 --> 00:04:09,249
They ran my high school.

117
00:04:09,379 --> 00:04:13,557
Preyed on anyone who dared
to be a little different.

118
00:04:13,688 --> 00:04:15,820
My mom packed me
a new dessert.

119
00:04:15,951 --> 00:04:19,171
It's called
tir-a-ma-su?

120
00:04:19,302 --> 00:04:22,392
I'm excited but a little
nervous to try it.

121
00:04:22,523 --> 00:04:24,351
ARCHERY GIRL: Get your
ethnic shit out of here!

122
00:04:24,481 --> 00:04:25,352
We eat cake!

123
00:04:25,482 --> 00:04:27,484
Hey, nice shot.

124
00:04:27,615 --> 00:04:30,792
You guys want
to hang out sometime?

125
00:04:30,922 --> 00:04:35,405
Beat it, four-eyes.
I'm with the cools now.

126
00:04:35,536 --> 00:04:37,277
God,
they were the best.

127
00:04:37,407 --> 00:04:38,800
The only way to survive
people like that

128
00:04:38,930 --> 00:04:40,280
is to keep
your head down.

129
00:04:40,410 --> 00:04:43,370
And since Steve won't,
he's gonna need my help.

130
00:04:43,500 --> 00:04:45,937
I'll talk
to these Golden Girls.

131
00:04:46,068 --> 00:04:47,983
Tell 'em to chill out.

132
00:04:48,113 --> 00:04:50,072
Go nuts, bitch.

133
00:04:53,597 --> 00:04:55,730
♪♪

134
00:04:55,860 --> 00:04:58,298
[alarm beeping]

135
00:04:58,428 --> 00:04:59,734
[exhales]

136
00:04:59,864 --> 00:05:01,213
[clicks, beeping stops]

137
00:05:01,344 --> 00:05:02,519
Whoa!

138
00:05:02,650 --> 00:05:05,000
Babe,
I held it in all night!

139
00:05:05,130 --> 00:05:06,828
HAYLEY:
That's awesome, babe.

140
00:05:08,873 --> 00:05:11,528
Babe, is today
free day at the zoo?

141
00:05:11,659 --> 00:05:14,226
You know it, babe.
Tuesday's Zoos-day.

142
00:05:14,357 --> 00:05:15,184
Yes!

143
00:05:15,315 --> 00:05:16,751
I love
going to the zoo.

144
00:05:16,881 --> 00:05:19,536
The drinking fountains
are so cold there.

145
00:05:19,667 --> 00:05:22,626
[gasps] Do you think it's water
from the polar bear thing?

146
00:05:22,757 --> 00:05:24,541
[whistles]

147
00:05:26,891 --> 00:05:29,459
Babe?
Where's my hat?

148
00:05:29,590 --> 00:05:31,026
I don't know.

149
00:05:31,156 --> 00:05:32,680
And I don't know.

150
00:05:32,810 --> 00:05:35,596
Huh.
No hat.

151
00:05:35,726 --> 00:05:37,424
No hat.

152
00:05:37,554 --> 00:05:40,688
I can feel the wind
blowing across my brain!

153
00:05:40,818 --> 00:05:43,255
How do you live
like this?!

154
00:05:43,386 --> 00:05:45,475
I have a headband.

155
00:05:45,606 --> 00:05:47,825
[school bell rings]

156
00:05:47,956 --> 00:05:51,263
[indistinct conversations]

157
00:05:51,394 --> 00:05:52,352
♪♪

158
00:05:52,482 --> 00:05:57,357
♪♪

159
00:05:57,487 --> 00:05:59,359
♪♪

160
00:05:59,489 --> 00:06:05,452
♪♪

161
00:06:05,582 --> 00:06:06,670
♪♪

162
00:06:06,801 --> 00:06:08,063
[gasps]

163
00:06:08,193 --> 00:06:10,152
[speaking indistinctly]

164
00:06:10,282 --> 00:06:11,936
[gasps, screams]

165
00:06:12,067 --> 00:06:13,503
Francine,
I forgot to tell you

166
00:06:13,634 --> 00:06:15,331
the coolest thing
about the Golden Girls.

167
00:06:15,462 --> 00:06:17,420
Their parents
buy them lighters!

168
00:06:17,551 --> 00:06:19,683
Hey, gals,
what's the haps?

169
00:06:19,814 --> 00:06:25,297
I'm the new "G" to the "C" --
that's guidance counselor.

170
00:06:25,428 --> 00:06:27,082
I love...

171
00:06:27,212 --> 00:06:28,518
your beard.

172
00:06:28,649 --> 00:06:31,086
I hope I can grow
sick facial hair like that

173
00:06:31,216 --> 00:06:34,306
when I'm a crusty,
old Debbie like you.

174
00:06:34,437 --> 00:06:36,657
[laughter]Oh, my God!

175
00:06:36,787 --> 00:06:38,136
S'up, Debbie.

176
00:06:38,267 --> 00:06:39,486
Bye, Debbie.

177
00:06:39,616 --> 00:06:41,705
[laughter]

178
00:06:41,836 --> 00:06:44,534
Their word arrows hurt worse

179
00:06:44,665 --> 00:06:48,538
than the archery team's
real arrows.

180
00:06:48,669 --> 00:06:51,715
[screaming]

181
00:06:51,846 --> 00:06:54,762
Doing a great job,
Francine.

182
00:06:54,892 --> 00:06:57,329
[clattering]

183
00:06:57,460 --> 00:06:58,940
This doesn't
make any sense.

184
00:06:59,070 --> 00:06:59,941
Where's my hat?

185
00:07:00,071 --> 00:07:01,377
I'm gonna go
look downstairs.

186
00:07:01,508 --> 00:07:02,639
Why would it
be downstairs?

187
00:07:02,770 --> 00:07:04,119
I don't know!
I'm just trying to help!

188
00:07:04,249 --> 00:07:07,601
Then how about finding
my [bleep] hat!

189
00:07:07,731 --> 00:07:09,690
♪♪

190
00:07:09,820 --> 00:07:12,475
Do you think it's my fault that
my parents are getting divorced?

191
00:07:12,606 --> 00:07:15,173
The Golden Girls
are so cool.

192
00:07:15,304 --> 00:07:17,437
I think they hate me.
What do you think?

193
00:07:17,567 --> 00:07:18,742
I'm thinking about
running away.

194
00:07:18,873 --> 00:07:21,615
Sure, that'll solve
all yourproblems.

195
00:07:21,745 --> 00:07:24,966
But I can't run away.
I work here, sort of.

196
00:07:25,096 --> 00:07:27,708
But there is
one thing I can do.

197
00:07:27,838 --> 00:07:30,537
Roger, would you mind
taking over?

198
00:07:30,667 --> 00:07:34,541
Okay,
run away dos and don'ts.

199
00:07:34,671 --> 00:07:36,717
Dopair up
with an older gentleman.

200
00:07:36,847 --> 00:07:38,762
Don'tbe afraid
to be choosy.

201
00:07:38,893 --> 00:07:41,243
Remember,
you'rethe catch.

202
00:07:41,373 --> 00:07:42,984
[school bell rings]

203
00:07:43,114 --> 00:07:44,638
What up, sluts?

204
00:07:44,768 --> 00:07:48,163
Let me guess -- You're gonna
bust us for ditching?

205
00:07:48,293 --> 00:07:51,993
Nah, betch.
I'm ditching, too.

206
00:07:52,123 --> 00:07:53,342
Your hair.

207
00:07:53,473 --> 00:07:55,953
Oh, this? This is just
my regular haircut.

208
00:07:56,084 --> 00:07:57,215
Oh, don't worry.

209
00:07:57,346 --> 00:07:59,783
I don't think you guys
copied me or anything.

210
00:07:59,914 --> 00:08:01,132
'Scuse me a sec.

211
00:08:01,263 --> 00:08:02,525
[lighter clicks]

212
00:08:03,918 --> 00:08:09,619
Hmm. Maybe you aren't such
a crusty, old Debbie after all.

213
00:08:09,750 --> 00:08:12,274
[mouthing "Oh, my God"]

214
00:08:12,404 --> 00:08:13,623
BILLY: Excuse me.

215
00:08:17,584 --> 00:08:18,541
[footsteps]

216
00:08:18,672 --> 00:08:22,502
JV?!
But I'm a senior!

217
00:08:22,632 --> 00:08:24,678
[bone crunches]

218
00:08:24,808 --> 00:08:25,766
[thud]

219
00:08:28,595 --> 00:08:29,770
♪♪

220
00:08:29,900 --> 00:08:32,642
I covered your 10:00
with Sheldon.

221
00:08:32,773 --> 00:08:35,384
I'm concerned.
He has a lot of demons.

222
00:08:35,515 --> 00:08:38,387
And for some reason, he carries
a bag of forks around.

223
00:08:38,518 --> 00:08:39,606
I like that.

224
00:08:39,736 --> 00:08:40,607
What's with this?

225
00:08:40,737 --> 00:08:41,782
Oh, this?

226
00:08:41,912 --> 00:08:44,480
It's, uh,
just something I did.

227
00:08:44,611 --> 00:08:46,264
And how does this
help Steve?

228
00:08:46,395 --> 00:08:49,093
Steve from home?

229
00:08:49,224 --> 00:08:50,442
Oh!

230
00:08:50,573 --> 00:08:54,534
Yeah.
That's why I did this.

231
00:08:54,664 --> 00:08:56,274
Because...

232
00:08:56,405 --> 00:08:59,060
the Golden Girls
are...

233
00:08:59,190 --> 00:09:00,801
the main threat,

234
00:09:00,931 --> 00:09:04,631
so I have to
get in good with them

235
00:09:04,761 --> 00:09:07,982
to help
Steve from home!

236
00:09:08,112 --> 00:09:09,592
Ta-da!

237
00:09:09,723 --> 00:09:11,594
Okay.

238
00:09:11,725 --> 00:09:15,598
[click, whirring]

239
00:09:15,729 --> 00:09:18,209
[click]

240
00:09:18,340 --> 00:09:19,471
Sure.

241
00:09:19,602 --> 00:09:23,040
[click, whirring]

242
00:09:23,171 --> 00:09:25,695
[clattering, thumping]

243
00:09:25,826 --> 00:09:28,742
Look what I found!

244
00:09:28,872 --> 00:09:29,873
There you are!

245
00:09:30,004 --> 00:09:32,310
Never do that
to me again.

246
00:09:32,441 --> 00:09:34,443
[sniffing]

247
00:09:34,574 --> 00:09:36,227
What did you do?

248
00:09:36,358 --> 00:09:38,490
What do you mean?
I found your hat.

249
00:09:38,621 --> 00:09:40,667
[chuckling]
This isn't my hat.

250
00:09:40,797 --> 00:09:42,233
It's a fake.

251
00:09:42,364 --> 00:09:43,800
How could you?

252
00:09:43,931 --> 00:09:46,107
How dare you?!

253
00:09:46,237 --> 00:09:48,239
Jeff, I am so sorry.

254
00:09:48,370 --> 00:09:50,285
I was just trying
to make you happy.

255
00:09:50,415 --> 00:09:52,679
And I thought
if I bought you a new hat,

256
00:09:52,809 --> 00:09:54,637
we could visit the zoo,
like we planned.

257
00:09:54,768 --> 00:09:57,640
"Visit the zoo"?!
We belong in the zoo!

258
00:09:57,771 --> 00:10:00,774
The only thing that separates
us from the animals

259
00:10:00,904 --> 00:10:02,602
is our hats!

260
00:10:06,388 --> 00:10:11,088
[sobbing]

261
00:10:11,219 --> 00:10:16,093
♪♪

262
00:10:19,053 --> 00:10:23,492
Why is Wonder Woman's underwear
on that huge pole outside?

263
00:10:23,623 --> 00:10:25,276
That's the flag.Gross.

264
00:10:25,407 --> 00:10:27,975
Yeah, thanks for letting us
skip history, Francine.

265
00:10:28,105 --> 00:10:29,759
History is
so stupid.

266
00:10:29,890 --> 00:10:31,326
If that stuff is so great,

267
00:10:31,456 --> 00:10:33,110
how come
we're not still doing it?

268
00:10:33,241 --> 00:10:35,852
I do like the name
Benedict Arnold, though.

269
00:10:35,983 --> 00:10:39,421
That would be a boss name for,
like, a massive bulldog.

270
00:10:39,551 --> 00:10:42,729
On a scale of one to French,
how do I look today?

271
00:10:42,859 --> 00:10:43,991
Oh, pardonnez-moi.

272
00:10:44,121 --> 00:10:47,342
I didn't realize you were
guiding the young mademoiselles.

273
00:10:48,735 --> 00:10:51,302
Francine,
do you know that dweeb?

274
00:10:51,433 --> 00:10:54,741
H-He's my...friend
Stan's kid.

275
00:10:54,871 --> 00:10:58,309
Like, 10 years ago,
he drew a picture of me,

276
00:10:58,440 --> 00:11:02,444
and it was, like, a circle
on top of a triangle.

277
00:11:02,574 --> 00:11:05,012
It's like,
"Uh...thanks?"

278
00:11:05,142 --> 00:11:06,970
[laughter]

279
00:11:07,101 --> 00:11:10,931
Okay, you're kind of
my favorite person right now.

280
00:11:11,061 --> 00:11:12,410
Guys...

281
00:11:12,541 --> 00:11:15,675
[whispering indistinctly]

282
00:11:15,805 --> 00:11:17,938
So, we never
do this, but...

283
00:11:18,068 --> 00:11:19,417
do you want
to come hang out

284
00:11:19,548 --> 00:11:21,855
at Blanche's dad's lake house
this weekend?

285
00:11:21,985 --> 00:11:23,465
My boyfriend
drowned there last summer,

286
00:11:23,595 --> 00:11:26,555
so the cops let us
drive around doing whip-its.

287
00:11:26,686 --> 00:11:28,383
That sounds
like a blast!

288
00:11:28,513 --> 00:11:30,820
Okay, don't pee yourself
over it.

289
00:11:30,951 --> 00:11:32,996
I only pee
when I dump.

290
00:11:33,127 --> 00:11:35,477
♪♪

291
00:11:35,607 --> 00:11:37,784
You're going to
Blanche's dad's lake house?

292
00:11:37,914 --> 00:11:39,568
It that
like a field trip?

293
00:11:39,699 --> 00:11:40,874
I don't think
you're allowed

294
00:11:41,004 --> 00:11:41,962
to go out of town
with the students.

295
00:11:42,092 --> 00:11:43,833
What are you,
the rule book?

296
00:11:43,964 --> 00:11:45,922
It just seems like
you're always with them.

297
00:11:46,053 --> 00:11:49,230
Uh, yeah.
We go to the same school.

298
00:11:49,360 --> 00:11:50,884
But I go
to that school,

299
00:11:51,014 --> 00:11:53,887
and you won't even wave back
to me in the hall.

300
00:11:54,017 --> 00:11:55,758
I'm getting in good
with them for you.

301
00:11:55,889 --> 00:11:57,804
[gasps]
Oh, mon dieu!

302
00:11:57,934 --> 00:12:00,502
You're getting them to come
to my fashion show!

303
00:12:00,632 --> 00:12:03,940
Wha? They'd never
go to that...

304
00:12:04,071 --> 00:12:06,726
without your mother going
to the lake house

305
00:12:06,856 --> 00:12:08,423
and talking them
into it!

306
00:12:08,553 --> 00:12:09,946
Thank you, Mom!

307
00:12:10,077 --> 00:12:13,515
Okay, don't pee yourself
over it.

308
00:12:13,645 --> 00:12:16,605
Is there something a little
different about Francine?

309
00:12:16,736 --> 00:12:19,042
She seems cooler
somehow.

310
00:12:19,173 --> 00:12:20,522
Wake up, bro.

311
00:12:20,652 --> 00:12:22,785
Francine is, like,
the coolest girl in school.

312
00:12:22,916 --> 00:12:26,267
She will be mine.

313
00:12:26,397 --> 00:12:30,880
All I have to do is figure out
where Steve goes to school.

314
00:12:31,011 --> 00:12:33,448
[crickets chirping]

315
00:12:33,578 --> 00:12:36,930
SOPHIA: The moon
looks so stupid up close.

316
00:12:37,060 --> 00:12:38,279
Get away from me.

317
00:12:38,409 --> 00:12:41,064
Sometimes I wish the moon
drowned in that lake

318
00:12:41,195 --> 00:12:42,674
instead of Austin.

319
00:12:42,805 --> 00:12:45,068
Hey, Francine, why aren't you
making fun of the moon?

320
00:12:45,199 --> 00:12:46,417
Sorry, guys.

321
00:12:46,548 --> 00:12:48,855
I guess I'm just
thinking about something.

322
00:12:48,985 --> 00:12:51,248
Oh, no.
Why?

323
00:12:51,379 --> 00:12:53,294
I promised
one of the students

324
00:12:53,424 --> 00:12:55,818
I'd go
to his stupid fashion show.

325
00:12:55,949 --> 00:12:59,256
Oh! You know what
would be hilarious?

326
00:12:59,387 --> 00:13:00,736
Like,
if we all had sex

327
00:13:00,867 --> 00:13:03,260
with that cop who looks
like my step-dad?

328
00:13:03,391 --> 00:13:04,522
Uh...

329
00:13:04,653 --> 00:13:06,437
I was thinking more like

330
00:13:06,568 --> 00:13:09,876
we go to the fashion show
and clap,

331
00:13:10,006 --> 00:13:13,140
but our secret joke --
never to be revealed --

332
00:13:13,270 --> 00:13:17,579
would be that
we thought it was stupid.

333
00:13:18,972 --> 00:13:20,016
Like the moon.

334
00:13:20,147 --> 00:13:21,844
Oh, yeah, totally.Dumb moon.

335
00:13:21,975 --> 00:13:24,542
The moon
is such a Debbie.

336
00:13:26,457 --> 00:13:28,895
There she is.

337
00:13:29,025 --> 00:13:30,244
She is so cool!

338
00:13:30,374 --> 00:13:33,377
Francine, hi!
It's me -- Stan!

339
00:13:33,508 --> 00:13:34,726
I was
at your wedding!

340
00:13:34,857 --> 00:13:36,903
She's looking.
Pretend I said something funny.

341
00:13:37,033 --> 00:13:38,730
We're the guys
who are always laughing.

342
00:13:38,861 --> 00:13:42,952
[forced laughter]

343
00:13:43,083 --> 00:13:45,868
[French techno music playing]

344
00:13:45,999 --> 00:13:48,479
♪♪

345
00:13:48,610 --> 00:13:53,136
♪♪

346
00:13:53,267 --> 00:13:55,182
♪♪

347
00:13:55,312 --> 00:13:59,795
♪♪

348
00:13:59,926 --> 00:14:03,407
♪♪

349
00:14:03,538 --> 00:14:08,282
♪♪

350
00:14:08,412 --> 00:14:09,283
♪♪

351
00:14:09,413 --> 00:14:10,980
Isn't this
hilarious?

352
00:14:11,111 --> 00:14:14,854
It will be -- when you dump
clam chowder on his head.

353
00:14:14,984 --> 00:14:16,290
[music continues]

354
00:14:16,420 --> 00:14:20,511
[suspenseful music plays]

355
00:14:20,642 --> 00:14:22,600
[scattered applause]

356
00:14:22,731 --> 00:14:25,952
Pull the rope.
It'll be hilarious.

357
00:14:26,082 --> 00:14:27,388
Um...

358
00:14:27,518 --> 00:14:31,218
[scattered applause]

359
00:14:31,348 --> 00:14:33,394
Why is she not
doing what you say?

360
00:14:33,524 --> 00:14:36,049
I guess
she doesn't want this.

361
00:14:36,179 --> 00:14:38,616
I'd get to be
a Golden Girl?

362
00:14:38,747 --> 00:14:41,402
[splash]

363
00:14:41,532 --> 00:14:42,838
[laughter]

364
00:14:42,969 --> 00:14:44,884
Cream-covered boy?

365
00:14:45,841 --> 00:14:47,103
Cream-covered boy.

366
00:14:47,234 --> 00:14:49,845
Wait a minute.
This has to be a trap.

367
00:14:49,976 --> 00:14:53,109
But, then again,
it's better to know.

368
00:14:55,982 --> 00:14:57,853
♪♪

369
00:14:57,984 --> 00:14:59,202
You look great,
Francine.

370
00:14:59,333 --> 00:15:02,205
You look like you got hit
by a bag of dicks, Dorothy.

371
00:15:02,336 --> 00:15:04,251
[laughter]

372
00:15:04,381 --> 00:15:06,862
Oh, hi, Francine.

373
00:15:07,994 --> 00:15:10,648
Aw, man!

374
00:15:10,779 --> 00:15:12,650
They put my name
backwards.

375
00:15:12,781 --> 00:15:14,043
Steve
killed himself!

376
00:15:14,174 --> 00:15:16,567
What?!Is the type of thing
you might hear,

377
00:15:16,698 --> 00:15:18,439
considering what you did
to him yesterday.

378
00:15:18,569 --> 00:15:19,701
What were
you thinking?

379
00:15:19,831 --> 00:15:22,660
Oh, my God, Roger,
I'm a monster!

380
00:15:22,791 --> 00:15:23,923
What am I gonna do?

381
00:15:24,053 --> 00:15:26,273
I don't effing know!
This is a disaster.

382
00:15:26,403 --> 00:15:27,796
[grunting]

383
00:15:27,927 --> 00:15:30,103
[grunting continues]

384
00:15:30,233 --> 00:15:31,278
[groaning]

385
00:15:31,408 --> 00:15:33,889
I think I have
to apologize to Steve.

386
00:15:34,020 --> 00:15:36,022
Oh.
Yeah, that'll work.

387
00:15:36,152 --> 00:15:38,894
♪♪

388
00:15:40,940 --> 00:15:42,158
Hey, Steve?

389
00:15:44,204 --> 00:15:45,683
Are you okay, hon?

390
00:15:45,814 --> 00:15:47,381
Oh, hey, Mom.
Yeah, I'm good.

391
00:15:47,511 --> 00:15:49,818
I was just smelling
my pillow super hard.

392
00:15:49,949 --> 00:15:52,125
Have you ever wondered
what dreams smell like?

393
00:15:52,255 --> 00:15:53,387
[inhales deeply]

394
00:15:53,517 --> 00:15:55,519
I think
they smell like this.

395
00:15:56,868 --> 00:15:58,696
What's up?

396
00:15:58,827 --> 00:16:01,917
I...wanted to talk to you
about what happened

397
00:16:02,048 --> 00:16:04,093
at the French Club
Fashion Show.

398
00:16:04,224 --> 00:16:05,268
Oh, what a disaster.

399
00:16:05,399 --> 00:16:07,488
Barry ate the baguette
instead of walking with it,

400
00:16:07,618 --> 00:16:09,446
and, of course, all my friends
are just ugly,

401
00:16:09,577 --> 00:16:11,840
so that hurt the fashion
in the end, unfortunately.

402
00:16:11,971 --> 00:16:14,538
No, Steve,
the chowder.

403
00:16:14,669 --> 00:16:15,931
That was me.

404
00:16:16,062 --> 00:16:19,108
I'm so, so sorry.

405
00:16:19,239 --> 00:16:20,196
Oh, I knew that.

406
00:16:20,327 --> 00:16:21,632
You're not mad?

407
00:16:21,763 --> 00:16:24,287
Nah. I wasn't even covered
in chowder for that long.

408
00:16:24,418 --> 00:16:26,681
Roger and who I assume
are the other janitors

409
00:16:26,811 --> 00:16:28,204
licked it clean off me.

410
00:16:28,335 --> 00:16:32,078
Small price to pay for getting
to express what's in my soul.

411
00:16:32,208 --> 00:16:33,514
Wow.

412
00:16:33,644 --> 00:16:36,691
You really don't care
what people think.

413
00:16:36,821 --> 00:16:37,953
Can you teach me?

414
00:16:38,084 --> 00:16:39,650
I can teach you
what Sheila taught me.

415
00:16:39,781 --> 00:16:42,088
She had a pretty good reputation
as a guidance counselor

416
00:16:42,218 --> 00:16:43,785
until she sent
pictures of her butthole

417
00:16:43,915 --> 00:16:45,134
to that sophomore.

418
00:16:45,265 --> 00:16:46,309
Hmm.

419
00:16:46,440 --> 00:16:49,921
Maybe you could
do that for me.

420
00:16:50,052 --> 00:16:52,576
The guidance part.

421
00:16:52,707 --> 00:16:55,231
[sobbing]

422
00:16:57,712 --> 00:16:58,974
[knock on door]

423
00:16:59,105 --> 00:17:01,977
Go away!

424
00:17:02,108 --> 00:17:05,154
Don't shut me out,
Jeff!

425
00:17:05,285 --> 00:17:07,983
I'm so sorry
you lost your hat.

426
00:17:08,157 --> 00:17:13,728
But we'll get through this --
together!

427
00:17:13,858 --> 00:17:15,556
I love you, babe.

428
00:17:15,686 --> 00:17:18,254
[both sobbing]

429
00:17:21,301 --> 00:17:23,042
[school bell rings]

430
00:17:23,172 --> 00:17:26,567
Okay, Francine, let's talk about
why you're such a Debbie.

431
00:17:26,697 --> 00:17:27,916
I'm not a Debbie!

432
00:17:28,047 --> 00:17:30,179
It's important
to be honest in here.

433
00:17:30,310 --> 00:17:32,138
Okay,
maybe I'm a Debbie.

434
00:17:32,268 --> 00:17:35,967
But when I was in high school,
they called it being a Herb.

435
00:17:36,098 --> 00:17:38,492
Who called you a Herb --
bitches?

436
00:17:38,622 --> 00:17:40,972
Yes!
The archery team.

437
00:17:41,103 --> 00:17:42,974
I never expressed myself

438
00:17:43,105 --> 00:17:46,108
because I was always afraid
they might think I was lame.

439
00:17:46,239 --> 00:17:47,283
I see.

440
00:17:47,414 --> 00:17:48,415
Well, what would
you have done

441
00:17:48,545 --> 00:17:50,069
if there were no
archery team?

442
00:17:50,199 --> 00:17:52,071
Break dance.
[laughs]

443
00:17:52,201 --> 00:17:53,550
Oh, you're serious.
Hmm.

444
00:17:53,681 --> 00:17:56,031
Oh, my God!
You're judging me.

445
00:17:56,162 --> 00:17:59,078
And that shouldn't matter
because...?

446
00:17:59,208 --> 00:18:02,516
Because break dancing
is in my soul.

447
00:18:02,646 --> 00:18:03,952
That's right!

448
00:18:04,083 --> 00:18:06,346
Hmm, I'm pretty good
at this therapy thing.

449
00:18:06,476 --> 00:18:09,262
Hey, Mertz,
tell me your problem.

450
00:18:09,392 --> 00:18:12,047
My foster father
adopted me for the money,

451
00:18:12,178 --> 00:18:14,180
and now he beats me
with a wrench.

452
00:18:14,310 --> 00:18:16,660
Out of my depth
immediately!

453
00:18:16,791 --> 00:18:18,184
[indistinct conversations]

454
00:18:18,314 --> 00:18:19,533
[light switch flicking]

455
00:18:19,663 --> 00:18:21,100
[conversations stop] ♪ Check it out

456
00:18:21,230 --> 00:18:24,668
♪ If I wanna take a guy
home with me tonight ♪

457
00:18:24,799 --> 00:18:26,235
♪ It's none of your business

458
00:18:26,366 --> 00:18:29,238
♪ And if she wanna be a freak
and sell it on the weekend ♪

459
00:18:29,369 --> 00:18:30,761
♪ It's none of your business

460
00:18:30,892 --> 00:18:32,807
♪ Now you
shouldn't even get into ♪

461
00:18:32,937 --> 00:18:36,289
♪ Who I'm givin' skins to ♪ It's none of your business

462
00:18:36,419 --> 00:18:37,681
♪ So don't
try to change my mind ♪

463
00:18:37,812 --> 00:18:39,205
♪ I'll tell you one more time

464
00:18:39,335 --> 00:18:40,641
♪ It's none of your business

465
00:18:40,771 --> 00:18:42,425
♪ Now -- [thuds]

466
00:18:42,556 --> 00:18:43,426
[laughter]

467
00:18:43,557 --> 00:18:45,863
[laughter continues]

468
00:18:45,994 --> 00:18:47,778
Are -- Are you
all right?

469
00:18:47,909 --> 00:18:50,346
Did -- Did they love it?

470
00:18:50,477 --> 00:18:51,565
It was terrible.

471
00:18:51,695 --> 00:18:54,263
But that's not
the important part.

472
00:18:56,831 --> 00:18:59,312
Thank you.
You're right.

473
00:18:59,442 --> 00:19:01,052
You guys,
I'm starting to think

474
00:19:01,183 --> 00:19:03,272
that she's friends
with that dweeb.

475
00:19:03,403 --> 00:19:07,233
Well, for your information,
this isn't my dweeb friend.

476
00:19:07,363 --> 00:19:09,017
He's my dweeb son.

477
00:19:09,148 --> 00:19:12,368
And he doesn't care
what other people think.

478
00:19:12,499 --> 00:19:13,891
But Ido.

479
00:19:14,022 --> 00:19:15,632
Uh-oh.

480
00:19:15,763 --> 00:19:18,853
And next time
you mess with a Debbie,

481
00:19:18,983 --> 00:19:21,334
make sure it's not
a grown-ass Debbie

482
00:19:21,464 --> 00:19:25,033
with access to your confidential
psychological assessments.

483
00:19:25,164 --> 00:19:26,687
Mom, you don't have
to do this.

484
00:19:26,817 --> 00:19:30,125
You can walk away knowing you
showed everyone your true self.

485
00:19:30,256 --> 00:19:32,910
Yeah, but I didn't show
my true self.

486
00:19:33,041 --> 00:19:34,216
I'm not a dancer.

487
00:19:34,347 --> 00:19:36,218
I'm a bad bitch

488
00:19:36,349 --> 00:19:38,742
who lays waste
to her enemies.

489
00:19:38,873 --> 00:19:42,224
Blanche, you transferred
from your last school

490
00:19:42,355 --> 00:19:45,619
because the kids found out
that you carried around

491
00:19:45,749 --> 00:19:48,926
a piece of your own shit
in your backpack!

492
00:19:49,057 --> 00:19:50,319
ALL: Ew!

493
00:19:50,450 --> 00:19:53,453
Sophia, you were taken away
from your parents

494
00:19:53,583 --> 00:19:55,977
because they are
brother and sister.

495
00:19:56,107 --> 00:19:57,326
[all gasp]

496
00:19:57,457 --> 00:19:58,762
And Dorothy...

497
00:19:58,893 --> 00:20:00,155
Let me guess --
You figured out

498
00:20:00,286 --> 00:20:02,418
Austin's death
wasn't an accident.

499
00:20:02,549 --> 00:20:03,724
No.

500
00:20:03,854 --> 00:20:06,379
Your file just says
you grind your teeth.

501
00:20:06,509 --> 00:20:07,902
Did you murder someone?

502
00:20:08,032 --> 00:20:09,295
She grinds her teeth!

503
00:20:09,425 --> 00:20:12,254
The Golden Girls
are a bunch of losers!

504
00:20:12,385 --> 00:20:14,343
Their reign of terror
is over!

505
00:20:14,474 --> 00:20:15,344
[grunts]

506
00:20:15,475 --> 00:20:18,434
The age of Mertz
begins now!

507
00:20:18,565 --> 00:20:20,349
[cheering]

508
00:20:20,480 --> 00:20:21,350
STAN: Francine!

509
00:20:21,481 --> 00:20:22,438
Francine!

510
00:20:22,569 --> 00:20:24,135
Will you go to the prom
with me?

511
00:20:24,266 --> 00:20:26,355
Stan,
we're already married.

512
00:20:26,486 --> 00:20:28,270
That's not a yes,
but that's not a no.

513
00:20:28,401 --> 00:20:29,315
Now start laughing.

514
00:20:29,445 --> 00:20:31,317
[forced laughter]

515
00:20:31,447 --> 00:20:34,407
Are you sure
this is a thing that works?

516
00:20:35,799 --> 00:20:37,671
I'm scared.

517
00:20:37,801 --> 00:20:38,889
I understand.

518
00:20:39,020 --> 00:20:42,153
But our new life
begins today.

519
00:20:44,199 --> 00:20:46,114
Welcome to Lids.
I'm Parker.

520
00:20:46,245 --> 00:20:48,029
What can I help
you find today?

521
00:20:48,899 --> 00:20:54,601
♪♪

522
00:20:54,731 --> 00:20:59,170
♪♪

523
00:20:59,301 --> 00:21:02,173
♪♪

524
00:21:02,304 --> 00:21:04,175
Bye! Have a beautiful time!

525
00:21:04,306 --> 00:21:07,962
--Captions by VITAC--