1 00:00:04,605 --> 00:00:06,507 Stan, I was cleaning your study 2 00:00:06,540 --> 00:00:08,642 and found something we need to discuss. 3 00:00:08,676 --> 00:00:10,811 Not my journal! How dare you?! 4 00:00:10,844 --> 00:00:12,413 Those are my most private thoughts! 5 00:00:12,446 --> 00:00:13,981 Okay, I confess. 6 00:00:14,014 --> 00:00:17,085 Every entry was plagiarized from "The Diary of Anne Frank." 7 00:00:17,118 --> 00:00:18,552 I was staring at that blank page, 8 00:00:18,586 --> 00:00:19,853 and I couldn't think of a damn thing. 9 00:00:19,887 --> 00:00:22,690 I'm blocked, Francine. I don't have it anymore. 10 00:00:22,723 --> 00:00:24,325 [ Crying ] Maybe I never did! 11 00:00:24,358 --> 00:00:25,759 What? No! 12 00:00:25,793 --> 00:00:28,229 I found the events calendar for Steve's school. 13 00:00:28,262 --> 00:00:30,064 Oh, yeah. Yeah, I forgot all about that 14 00:00:30,098 --> 00:00:32,833 because I-I've just been flowing on my journal. 15 00:00:32,866 --> 00:00:36,070 Well, they're having an assembly to promote abstinence. 16 00:00:36,104 --> 00:00:38,872 Shouldn't they be learning about safe sex? 17 00:00:38,906 --> 00:00:40,774 Have you given Steve the talk? 18 00:00:40,808 --> 00:00:42,843 Steve doesn't need the talk. He's not ready. 19 00:00:42,876 --> 00:00:46,280 Let's not tarnish the innocence of Daddy's sexless little boy. 20 00:00:46,314 --> 00:00:48,749 Sexless?! Look at him! 21 00:00:48,782 --> 00:00:50,918 [ Moaning ] 22 00:00:50,951 --> 00:00:52,886 Ohh. [ Chuckles ] 23 00:00:52,920 --> 00:00:55,356 Mmm. Mmm. 24 00:00:55,389 --> 00:00:58,092 Whoa! Taking control! 25 00:00:58,126 --> 00:00:59,393 Rawr! 26 00:00:59,427 --> 00:01:02,096 He's playing a harmless game of Quidditch. 27 00:01:02,130 --> 00:01:03,631 From "Harry Potter"? 28 00:01:03,664 --> 00:01:06,600 The kid wizard with two friends and, like, tons of problems? 29 00:01:06,634 --> 00:01:08,736 Steve: Dang, girl! You a freak! 30 00:01:08,769 --> 00:01:10,471 [ Moaning ] 31 00:01:12,806 --> 00:01:14,642 I'm not fully versed on the rules of Quidditch, 32 00:01:14,675 --> 00:01:17,478 but I think that's worth three points. 33 00:01:20,448 --> 00:01:23,117 * Good morning, U.S.A. 34 00:01:23,151 --> 00:01:26,787 * I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day * 35 00:01:26,820 --> 00:01:29,790 * The sun in the sky has a smile on his face * 36 00:01:29,823 --> 00:01:33,661 * And he's shinin' a salute to the American race * 37 00:01:36,297 --> 00:01:39,167 * Oh, boy, it's swell to say 38 00:01:39,200 --> 00:01:41,969 * Good -- * Good morning, U.S.A. 39 00:01:42,002 --> 00:01:43,003 Aah! 40 00:01:44,472 --> 00:01:47,508 * Good morning, U.S.A. 41 00:01:47,541 --> 00:01:50,244 [ Mid-tempo music plays ] 42 00:01:50,278 --> 00:01:52,613 * Stop, drop 43 00:01:52,646 --> 00:01:55,283 * Shut your legs, cover your slot * 44 00:01:55,316 --> 00:01:57,685 * Whoa, oh 45 00:01:57,718 --> 00:02:00,854 * That's how us virgins roll 46 00:02:00,888 --> 00:02:03,291 Well, I'm certainly feeling turnt -- 47 00:02:03,324 --> 00:02:05,025 away from sex! 48 00:02:05,058 --> 00:02:07,528 This next sketch shows us how to stand up to someone 49 00:02:07,561 --> 00:02:09,830 that bullies you for choosing abstinence. 50 00:02:09,863 --> 00:02:12,200 Now, who'd like to volunteer to play our virgin? 51 00:02:12,233 --> 00:02:15,002 [ Chuckling ] Yeah. Can I volunteer to get punched in the dick? 52 00:02:15,035 --> 00:02:16,770 What sucker's gonna go for -- 53 00:02:16,804 --> 00:02:17,605 Aah! 54 00:02:17,638 --> 00:02:19,207 I got a virgin for ya! 55 00:02:19,240 --> 00:02:21,542 [ Laughter ] Yeah! Mertz! Get him! 56 00:02:21,575 --> 00:02:23,177 Why aren't you stopping this?! 57 00:02:23,211 --> 00:02:26,880 'Cause I'm the straw that stirs the drink, biotch. 58 00:02:26,914 --> 00:02:28,216 Whoo-hoo! 59 00:02:29,317 --> 00:02:32,486 Hi, Carl. Just gonna squeeze in a quick cry before Algebra. 60 00:02:32,520 --> 00:02:33,721 You know the rules. 61 00:02:33,754 --> 00:02:36,390 Just don't look inside my black, metal trunk. 62 00:02:37,658 --> 00:02:39,227 Steve! Oh, hey. 63 00:02:39,260 --> 00:02:40,728 I wanted to introduce myself 64 00:02:40,761 --> 00:02:42,363 and say how great you did onstage. 65 00:02:42,396 --> 00:02:45,699 I thought it was really brave how you stood your ground, 66 00:02:45,733 --> 00:02:47,968 silently crying when Mertz pantsed you. 67 00:02:48,001 --> 00:02:50,204 Then how you courageously called out the names 68 00:02:50,238 --> 00:02:52,740 of other virgins Mertz could pick on instead -- 69 00:02:52,773 --> 00:02:54,342 until Principal Lewis came up 70 00:02:54,375 --> 00:02:56,710 and mimed ejaculating yogurt all over you. 71 00:02:56,744 --> 00:02:58,912 And still, you did nothing -- absolutely nothing. 72 00:02:58,946 --> 00:03:00,481 Weren't you about to say your name?! 73 00:03:00,514 --> 00:03:01,982 I'm Shannon. 74 00:03:02,015 --> 00:03:03,884 I was wondering if you'd like to join our purity group. 75 00:03:03,917 --> 00:03:05,853 We've been looking to modernize by adding a boy, 76 00:03:05,886 --> 00:03:08,722 and it's obvious you're a committed virgin. 77 00:03:08,756 --> 00:03:10,190 What's a purity group? 78 00:03:10,224 --> 00:03:12,726 Really? We just had, like, a whole assembly -- 79 00:03:12,760 --> 00:03:14,027 Never mind. [ Chuckles ] 80 00:03:14,061 --> 00:03:15,663 Uh, a group of us pledged to abstain 81 00:03:15,696 --> 00:03:18,332 from any sexual activity until marriage. 82 00:03:18,366 --> 00:03:20,568 Purposefully? Yeah! 83 00:03:20,601 --> 00:03:22,069 When you're not worrying about sex, 84 00:03:22,102 --> 00:03:24,238 there's time for all kinds of fun stuff. 85 00:03:24,272 --> 00:03:27,741 I-It's nerdy, but I'm writing a play based on Deathstroke. 86 00:03:27,775 --> 00:03:29,877 The supervillain from DC Comics? 87 00:03:29,910 --> 00:03:31,612 You know, he prefers to go by... 88 00:03:31,645 --> 00:03:32,880 Both: ...Deathstroke the Terminator, 89 00:03:32,913 --> 00:03:34,615 although his real name is Slade Wilson. 90 00:03:34,648 --> 00:03:36,083 And don't forget about those... 91 00:03:36,116 --> 00:03:38,852 ...haunting Vietnam flashbacks! 92 00:03:38,886 --> 00:03:39,920 Or that he... 93 00:03:39,953 --> 00:03:42,423 ...murdered his first son! 94 00:03:42,456 --> 00:03:44,758 [ Both laugh ] 95 00:03:46,059 --> 00:03:48,529 Uh, eh, anyway... [ Chuckles ] 96 00:03:48,562 --> 00:03:49,763 ...we're all meeting tonight. 97 00:03:49,797 --> 00:03:51,465 Hope you can make it. 98 00:03:52,300 --> 00:03:53,967 [ Sniffs deeply ] 99 00:03:55,135 --> 00:03:59,507 I...run...this...city! 100 00:04:02,610 --> 00:04:08,616 ** 101 00:04:12,586 --> 00:04:18,592 ** 102 00:04:22,530 --> 00:04:24,264 [ Cheering ] 103 00:04:24,298 --> 00:04:30,738 ** 104 00:04:30,771 --> 00:04:34,808 This is the best place in the woooorld! 105 00:04:34,842 --> 00:04:37,578 I'm never going hoooome! 106 00:04:37,611 --> 00:04:38,612 [ Click ] 107 00:04:38,646 --> 00:04:39,813 Damn it. We came home. 108 00:04:39,847 --> 00:04:41,849 We spent 12 days at that slide, 109 00:04:41,882 --> 00:04:43,317 and it never got old. 110 00:04:43,351 --> 00:04:45,919 I'm already starting to forget how awesome it felt. 111 00:04:45,953 --> 00:04:48,121 The anticipation climbing the ladder. 112 00:04:48,155 --> 00:04:51,124 The butterflies in your stomach right before your turn. 113 00:04:51,158 --> 00:04:54,828 The permanent layer of moisture on every restroom toilet seat. 114 00:04:54,862 --> 00:04:56,697 Together: Yes, yes! Yeah! That! 115 00:04:56,730 --> 00:04:58,766 But we left those feelings behind 116 00:04:58,799 --> 00:05:01,702 at the Coors Light Water Kingdom in Oxford, Ohio. 117 00:05:01,735 --> 00:05:03,203 What if we could get them back? 118 00:05:03,236 --> 00:05:05,773 Look, we have a pool. How hard can it be to build a slide? 119 00:05:05,806 --> 00:05:07,941 You ever slipped on a wet spot? Yeah. 120 00:05:07,975 --> 00:05:10,878 Then you've already built a slide. 121 00:05:10,911 --> 00:05:11,712 I'm...sorry? 122 00:05:11,745 --> 00:05:14,615 We're building a sliiiiide! 123 00:05:14,648 --> 00:05:16,183 "Me wake up. 124 00:05:16,216 --> 00:05:18,018 Francine there. 125 00:05:18,051 --> 00:05:19,286 I do shower." 126 00:05:19,319 --> 00:05:20,554 Damn it! 127 00:05:20,588 --> 00:05:22,122 Journals is hard! 128 00:05:22,155 --> 00:05:25,726 Stan, this is the eighth broom we've gone through this month. 129 00:05:25,759 --> 00:05:28,195 You have to have the talk with Steve! 130 00:05:28,228 --> 00:05:29,129 I know. 131 00:05:29,162 --> 00:05:30,864 Then why don't you do it?! 132 00:05:30,898 --> 00:05:33,133 Because I'm afraid I'll do it wrong and screw him up. 133 00:05:33,166 --> 00:05:34,568 That's what happened to me. 134 00:05:34,602 --> 00:05:36,036 What are you talking about? 135 00:05:36,069 --> 00:05:38,138 [ Sighs ] I've...never told you 136 00:05:38,171 --> 00:05:40,374 about the time my dad gave me the talk. 137 00:05:40,408 --> 00:05:41,842 [ Harp plays ] 138 00:05:41,875 --> 00:05:43,811 Although, technically, it was more of a "watch." 139 00:05:43,844 --> 00:05:47,881 Jack: Yeah. Here's a little number I call the Chattanooga Wheelbarrow. 140 00:05:47,915 --> 00:05:49,483 Might want to put on your poncho, son. 141 00:05:49,517 --> 00:05:51,051 You're in the splash zone! 142 00:05:51,084 --> 00:05:53,521 Hey, you got that 5 bucks your mom gave you for candy? 143 00:05:53,554 --> 00:05:54,722 Fork it over. 144 00:05:54,755 --> 00:05:56,557 Woman: You're spoilin' me, Jack! 145 00:05:56,590 --> 00:05:58,759 It ain't for you, you silly hooker! 146 00:05:58,792 --> 00:06:00,728 This here's a smash-and-dash. 147 00:06:00,761 --> 00:06:02,696 Now, Stan, I hope you're taking notes, 148 00:06:02,730 --> 00:06:03,997 'cause this is how I -- 149 00:06:04,031 --> 00:06:06,266 Ooh! Ooh, Christ! Oh! Oh! 150 00:06:06,299 --> 00:06:07,701 Looks like we struck oil! 151 00:06:07,735 --> 00:06:09,236 Hand me your blankie! 152 00:06:09,269 --> 00:06:10,438 [ Harp plays ] 153 00:06:10,471 --> 00:06:12,072 I was messed up for years. 154 00:06:12,105 --> 00:06:13,841 Well, you're a grown man now. 155 00:06:13,874 --> 00:06:17,277 And anything you tell Steve will be better than this. 156 00:06:17,310 --> 00:06:19,079 [ Sniffs ] Mmm! 157 00:06:19,112 --> 00:06:21,415 Still has Shannon's scent on it. 158 00:06:21,449 --> 00:06:22,883 So pure. 159 00:06:22,916 --> 00:06:25,519 Well, time to crank it. 160 00:06:25,553 --> 00:06:27,521 What the hell?! Get out! 161 00:06:27,555 --> 00:06:28,922 I know it'll be awkward, 162 00:06:28,956 --> 00:06:31,592 but you're at an age where we have to talk about... 163 00:06:31,625 --> 00:06:32,926 abstinence? 164 00:06:32,960 --> 00:06:35,896 Are you... not interested in sex? 165 00:06:35,929 --> 00:06:37,798 It's -- It's complicated. 166 00:06:37,831 --> 00:06:39,232 This really cool girl 167 00:06:39,266 --> 00:06:41,268 invited me to a meeting at the rec center tonight -- 168 00:06:41,301 --> 00:06:42,102 No time to talk! 169 00:06:42,135 --> 00:06:43,771 To the rec center! [ Thud ] 170 00:06:47,475 --> 00:06:50,711 Oh, dang! They got hopscotch up in this bitch? 171 00:06:50,744 --> 00:06:52,412 Steve! You made it! 172 00:06:52,446 --> 00:06:53,747 You must be Steve's dad. 173 00:06:53,781 --> 00:06:55,315 I'm Shannon's father -- Michael. 174 00:06:55,348 --> 00:06:58,385 She mentioned he might come pop his purity cherry tonight. 175 00:06:58,418 --> 00:07:00,754 [ Laughs ] That's just a little virgin humor. 176 00:07:00,788 --> 00:07:03,557 They shouldn't be the only ones having fun. 177 00:07:03,591 --> 00:07:04,825 Here. Give me your hand. 178 00:07:04,858 --> 00:07:07,795 I'll introduce you to everyone. 179 00:07:07,828 --> 00:07:09,062 I brought my play! 180 00:07:09,096 --> 00:07:10,798 Uh, you probably don't want to read it. 181 00:07:10,831 --> 00:07:12,132 You were just being nice. 182 00:07:12,165 --> 00:07:13,000 No, I'd love to. 183 00:07:13,033 --> 00:07:14,301 You really don't have to. 184 00:07:14,334 --> 00:07:16,136 I honestly would love to read it. 185 00:07:16,169 --> 00:07:17,771 You know what? Forget it. 186 00:07:17,805 --> 00:07:18,972 Just give me the damn play! 187 00:07:19,006 --> 00:07:20,307 Okay, I'll go get it. 188 00:07:20,340 --> 00:07:21,141 Sheesh! 189 00:07:21,174 --> 00:07:23,076 So, what is this purity group? 190 00:07:23,110 --> 00:07:26,013 Well, in these sordid times, we fathers have a duty to serve 191 00:07:26,046 --> 00:07:29,917 as the authority and protector of our daughter's purity -- 192 00:07:29,950 --> 00:07:31,819 mind and body. 193 00:07:31,852 --> 00:07:33,320 We set a standard of manhood. 194 00:07:33,353 --> 00:07:35,823 And until they marry a man we choose, 195 00:07:35,856 --> 00:07:37,525 they pledge themselves to us. 196 00:07:37,558 --> 00:07:40,594 So...it's kind of like you're dating your own daughter? 197 00:07:40,628 --> 00:07:42,029 It's exactly like that. 198 00:07:42,062 --> 00:07:43,997 Only way to ensure they grow up normal. 199 00:07:44,031 --> 00:07:46,534 So, do you still have to give them the sex talk? 200 00:07:46,567 --> 00:07:48,168 [ Laughter ] 201 00:07:48,201 --> 00:07:50,638 They can't have sex. What's there to talk about? 202 00:07:50,671 --> 00:07:52,172 We also get swords. 203 00:07:52,205 --> 00:07:53,440 Shut...up! 204 00:07:53,473 --> 00:07:56,276 They represent our role as knights of purity. 205 00:07:56,309 --> 00:07:58,111 [ Angelic singing ] 206 00:07:58,145 --> 00:08:00,681 So, you know, we have study group with our dads, 207 00:08:00,714 --> 00:08:02,049 movie night with our dads. 208 00:08:02,082 --> 00:08:05,352 Sometimes we skip the movies and just go to the woods 209 00:08:05,385 --> 00:08:07,454 to kind of...hang out. [ Chuckles ] 210 00:08:07,487 --> 00:08:10,858 So...it's kind of like you're dating your own dad? 211 00:08:10,891 --> 00:08:12,526 It's exactly like that! 212 00:08:12,560 --> 00:08:14,695 Huh. 213 00:08:14,728 --> 00:08:16,196 Well... 214 00:08:16,229 --> 00:08:20,333 'bout time for me to be hittin' the ol' dusty trail. 215 00:08:21,501 --> 00:08:23,336 Steve. My son. 216 00:08:23,370 --> 00:08:25,873 Will you make me the happiest daddy in the world... 217 00:08:25,906 --> 00:08:27,340 and date me? 218 00:08:27,374 --> 00:08:28,976 Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Say "Yes." 219 00:08:29,009 --> 00:08:30,243 Oh, please say "Yes," Steve. 220 00:08:30,277 --> 00:08:32,880 If you join, we can hang out all the time. 221 00:08:34,047 --> 00:08:36,884 Um...okay, I guess? 222 00:08:36,917 --> 00:08:38,518 He said "Yeeeees"! 223 00:08:38,552 --> 00:08:40,020 [ Cheering, bell tolls ] 224 00:08:40,053 --> 00:08:41,889 Oh! I didn't know you guys had bells! 225 00:08:41,922 --> 00:08:44,792 It's a CD. Gary has a CD player. 226 00:08:49,697 --> 00:08:51,364 Hey, where were you this weekend? 227 00:08:51,398 --> 00:08:53,767 Sorry. I was hanging out with some new friends. 228 00:08:53,801 --> 00:08:56,003 [ Quietly ] I also took a purity pledge. I'm dating my dad. 229 00:08:56,036 --> 00:08:57,370 Mertz: A purity pledge?! 230 00:08:57,404 --> 00:08:58,205 Aah! 231 00:08:58,238 --> 00:09:00,373 Ohhh! Go easy, Mertz. 232 00:09:00,407 --> 00:09:01,909 No. Steve, we're cool. 233 00:09:01,942 --> 00:09:04,411 I have too much respect for the pledge. You do? 234 00:09:04,444 --> 00:09:06,880 I'd kill to have that kind of self-control, 235 00:09:06,914 --> 00:09:09,182 but I'm a slave to my carnal appetites. 236 00:09:09,216 --> 00:09:12,352 I keep waking up in beds next to strangers. 237 00:09:12,385 --> 00:09:14,287 I live a dark life, Steve. 238 00:09:14,321 --> 00:09:18,425 Wow. Mertz, I had no idea you were battling such demons. 239 00:09:18,458 --> 00:09:20,761 If you ever want to talk, I'm here, man. 240 00:09:20,794 --> 00:09:22,462 I-I think I'd like that. 241 00:09:22,495 --> 00:09:23,697 How about tomorrow? 242 00:09:23,731 --> 00:09:26,399 Maybe... over breakfast? 243 00:09:26,433 --> 00:09:27,534 Right after I'm done... 244 00:09:27,567 --> 00:09:29,536 banging your mom! 245 00:09:29,569 --> 00:09:30,570 [ Smack ] Oh! 246 00:09:30,604 --> 00:09:32,339 [ Laughing ] 247 00:09:35,475 --> 00:09:36,777 I'm an animal! 248 00:09:36,810 --> 00:09:38,946 A broken, filthy animal! 249 00:09:38,979 --> 00:09:41,414 [ Crying ] 250 00:09:42,349 --> 00:09:43,984 Thank you, again, for volunteering 251 00:09:44,017 --> 00:09:45,919 to help me improve my sword skills. 252 00:09:45,953 --> 00:09:48,155 I didn't! Please, I beg you, don't -- 253 00:09:52,660 --> 00:09:53,994 Okay, that's your shoulder, 254 00:09:54,027 --> 00:09:57,430 so the cucumber should be right...here. 255 00:09:57,464 --> 00:09:58,465 [ Muffled scream ] 256 00:09:58,498 --> 00:09:59,432 Stan! Huh? 257 00:09:59,466 --> 00:10:01,969 [ Muffled sobbing, screaming ] 258 00:10:08,942 --> 00:10:11,679 Whoa. That is not what I was trying to do. 259 00:10:11,712 --> 00:10:13,280 Did you talk to Steve yet? 260 00:10:13,313 --> 00:10:15,115 Nope. He's joined a purity group, 261 00:10:15,148 --> 00:10:17,350 and now I can't give him the talk even if I wanted to. 262 00:10:17,384 --> 00:10:19,086 What?! [ Muffled scream ] 263 00:10:19,119 --> 00:10:22,322 I said, Steve is taking a pledge of abstinence. 264 00:10:22,355 --> 00:10:24,291 I am his knight of chastity. 265 00:10:24,324 --> 00:10:26,593 Also his boyfriend. And I have a sword. 266 00:10:26,626 --> 00:10:29,697 Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get ready for a date with my son. 267 00:10:29,730 --> 00:10:31,364 [ Muffled scream ] 268 00:10:40,040 --> 00:10:41,341 Hole-in-one! 269 00:10:41,374 --> 00:10:43,376 Bombs away! 270 00:10:43,410 --> 00:10:45,345 [ Imitates farting ] 271 00:10:45,378 --> 00:10:46,714 [ Giggles ] 272 00:10:47,915 --> 00:10:50,684 * Hey, hey, you, you, I don't like your girlfriend * 273 00:10:50,718 --> 00:10:53,854 * No way, no way, I think you need a new one * 274 00:10:53,887 --> 00:10:57,390 * Hey, hey, you, you, I could be your girlfriend * 275 00:10:58,391 --> 00:10:59,659 [ Horse neighs ] 276 00:10:59,693 --> 00:11:02,529 * Hey, hey, you, you, I know that you like me * 277 00:11:02,562 --> 00:11:05,565 * No way, no way, you know it's not a secret * 278 00:11:05,598 --> 00:11:09,903 * Hey, hey, you, you, I want to be your girlfriend * 279 00:11:11,504 --> 00:11:13,040 * Hey, hey 280 00:11:13,073 --> 00:11:14,474 * I know that you like me 281 00:11:14,507 --> 00:11:15,976 * No way 282 00:11:16,009 --> 00:11:17,210 * No, it's not a secret 283 00:11:17,244 --> 00:11:19,046 * Hey, hey 284 00:11:19,079 --> 00:11:20,213 * I want to be your girlfriend 285 00:11:20,247 --> 00:11:23,050 * No way, no way 286 00:11:23,083 --> 00:11:25,218 * Hey, hey 287 00:11:26,053 --> 00:11:27,855 Roger: Here? 288 00:11:27,888 --> 00:11:29,389 Maybe here? 289 00:11:29,422 --> 00:11:31,091 I don't know. 290 00:11:31,124 --> 00:11:33,060 I...think that looks right? 291 00:11:33,093 --> 00:11:34,594 I guess. 292 00:11:34,627 --> 00:11:35,662 Meaning we're done! 293 00:11:35,695 --> 00:11:37,831 [ Fanfare ] 294 00:11:37,865 --> 00:11:39,532 I can't believe we finished! 295 00:11:39,566 --> 00:11:40,567 Whoa! 296 00:11:40,600 --> 00:11:42,402 Now, that's what I'm talking about! 297 00:11:42,435 --> 00:11:44,738 Um, excuse me. Who exactly are you? 298 00:11:44,772 --> 00:11:45,739 I'm Kyle. 299 00:11:45,773 --> 00:11:47,540 Look, uh, Kyle, was it? 300 00:11:47,574 --> 00:11:51,111 We built this slide to recapture this amazing butterfly feeling, 301 00:11:51,144 --> 00:11:53,080 so if you could just respect that 302 00:11:53,113 --> 00:11:54,915 and kind of what we're all about -- 303 00:11:54,948 --> 00:11:57,117 Suck my [bleep], losers! 304 00:11:58,786 --> 00:12:02,756 [ Angelic singing ] 305 00:12:02,790 --> 00:12:04,724 [ Crash, car alarm blaring ] 306 00:12:05,893 --> 00:12:07,594 [ Blaring continues ] 307 00:12:07,627 --> 00:12:10,630 Did that sound like he landed in someone else's pool? 308 00:12:13,066 --> 00:12:15,202 The kids love the purity ball. 309 00:12:15,235 --> 00:12:17,137 There's dinner and speeches, 310 00:12:17,170 --> 00:12:20,273 and it all ends in a beautiful dance with their dads -- 311 00:12:20,307 --> 00:12:21,608 which symbolizes their commitment 312 00:12:21,641 --> 00:12:24,011 to not have sex until marriage. 313 00:12:24,978 --> 00:12:27,114 And not to talk about it, either. 314 00:12:27,147 --> 00:12:28,782 Higher. 315 00:12:28,816 --> 00:12:30,483 Higher. 316 00:12:30,517 --> 00:12:31,584 [ Farts ] 317 00:12:31,618 --> 00:12:32,986 Whoa! [ Thud ] 318 00:12:34,154 --> 00:12:36,589 Did you hear that guy fart across the room? 319 00:12:36,623 --> 00:12:38,558 [ Giggles ] 320 00:12:38,591 --> 00:12:41,428 Steve, now that we're finally alone, 321 00:12:41,461 --> 00:12:43,763 can I confess something? 322 00:12:43,797 --> 00:12:46,566 I...wish you were my dad. 323 00:12:46,599 --> 00:12:47,634 W...hat? 324 00:12:47,667 --> 00:12:51,304 You know -- so...I could date you. 325 00:12:51,338 --> 00:12:52,639 Oh. 326 00:12:55,008 --> 00:12:56,509 What the hell is this?! 327 00:12:56,543 --> 00:12:57,845 Holding hands? 328 00:12:57,878 --> 00:12:59,479 You strumpets! 329 00:12:59,512 --> 00:13:01,081 And what is that smell?! 330 00:13:01,114 --> 00:13:03,583 I-I'm -- I'm sorry! Dad, I-I -- I don't -- 331 00:13:03,616 --> 00:13:05,185 I should have seen this coming. 332 00:13:05,218 --> 00:13:06,987 You've had way too much freedom lately. 333 00:13:07,020 --> 00:13:08,655 I'm moving you back into my bedroom! 334 00:13:08,688 --> 00:13:11,825 If anybody should move into your bedroom, it's me, sir. 335 00:13:11,859 --> 00:13:15,095 I made Shannon hold hands, and I wanted more! 336 00:13:15,128 --> 00:13:16,196 [ All gasp ] 337 00:13:16,229 --> 00:13:17,865 We should have never let a boy join! 338 00:13:17,898 --> 00:13:18,999 He's obsessed! 339 00:13:19,032 --> 00:13:20,934 Soiling the sanctity of the group 340 00:13:20,968 --> 00:13:22,802 and horning in on our chicks! 341 00:13:22,836 --> 00:13:24,671 Out! Both of you! 342 00:13:24,704 --> 00:13:26,806 [ Quietly ] But then I'll have to give him the talk. 343 00:13:26,840 --> 00:13:28,041 [ Harp plays ] 344 00:13:28,075 --> 00:13:29,676 Jack: Damn it, I lost my watch! 345 00:13:29,709 --> 00:13:32,212 Get over here, son. You've got small hands. 346 00:13:32,245 --> 00:13:33,847 [ Harp plays ] 347 00:13:33,881 --> 00:13:36,349 Wait! There must be something we can do to stay! 348 00:13:36,383 --> 00:13:40,387 There is... one thing you can do. 349 00:13:40,420 --> 00:13:42,890 Sex Aversion Therapy Camp?! 350 00:13:42,923 --> 00:13:45,658 Stan: You say that like it's a bad thing. Try this. 351 00:13:45,692 --> 00:13:48,261 [ Excitedly ] Sex Aversion Therapy Camp! 352 00:13:53,233 --> 00:13:55,002 Wha-- Wha-- What is this?! 353 00:13:55,035 --> 00:13:57,037 I don't need sex-aversion therapy! 354 00:13:57,070 --> 00:13:58,571 [ Projector whirring ] 355 00:13:58,605 --> 00:14:00,573 [ Slow orchestral music plays ] That's a handsome couple. 356 00:14:00,607 --> 00:14:03,176 Pretty beach. Wonder where that is. 357 00:14:03,210 --> 00:14:04,477 Oh. Well, now they're -- 358 00:14:04,511 --> 00:14:06,846 now they're taking it to the bedroom. 359 00:14:06,880 --> 00:14:09,549 Ooh. Little PG-13. 360 00:14:09,582 --> 00:14:12,552 Ooh! Off comes the bra! 361 00:14:12,585 --> 00:14:15,055 Hmm. Maybe this -- maybe this camp isn't so bad. 362 00:14:15,088 --> 00:14:16,223 [ Screams ] 363 00:14:16,256 --> 00:14:17,757 Oh, gross! 364 00:14:19,226 --> 00:14:20,894 Stop! Turn it off! 365 00:14:20,928 --> 00:14:22,229 [ Clang ] 366 00:14:22,262 --> 00:14:25,365 Sweet Jesus, have mercy! 367 00:14:26,566 --> 00:14:27,901 Blaaaah! 368 00:14:27,935 --> 00:14:29,836 Euggggh! 369 00:14:29,869 --> 00:14:30,703 Aaagh! 370 00:14:30,737 --> 00:14:32,339 Ohhhh! Aaagh! 371 00:14:32,372 --> 00:14:34,574 Please, stop! Stop it! 372 00:14:34,607 --> 00:14:38,745 Please, stop showing me photos of that hideous woman! 373 00:14:38,778 --> 00:14:40,613 Eugggggaaaaaaaaah! 374 00:14:41,714 --> 00:14:44,351 I can't believe our slide actually got a guy killed. 375 00:14:44,384 --> 00:14:46,086 What if somebody finds out?! 376 00:14:46,119 --> 00:14:47,787 Everybody, just be cool! 377 00:14:47,820 --> 00:14:50,924 If we all did our job, no one's going to find out anything. 378 00:14:50,958 --> 00:14:53,460 I buried our bathing suits and the tools. 379 00:14:53,493 --> 00:14:55,595 [ Shakily ] I cut Kyle's body into pieces 380 00:14:55,628 --> 00:14:57,264 and dissolved it in acid. 381 00:14:57,297 --> 00:14:58,598 And I have every intention 382 00:14:58,631 --> 00:15:00,267 of getting rid of his board shorts. 383 00:15:00,300 --> 00:15:01,468 Then that's everything. 384 00:15:01,501 --> 00:15:03,570 There's not a single shred of evidence 385 00:15:03,603 --> 00:15:05,272 linking us to his death. 386 00:15:05,305 --> 00:15:06,539 This your slide? 387 00:15:06,573 --> 00:15:08,141 Mother[bleep]. The slide. 388 00:15:08,175 --> 00:15:09,542 We forgot about the slide! 389 00:15:09,576 --> 00:15:11,878 Dirk Turlington, waterpark detective. 390 00:15:11,911 --> 00:15:14,414 Got a report of a man missing after riding a waterslide. 391 00:15:14,447 --> 00:15:15,915 Well, not ours! 392 00:15:15,949 --> 00:15:17,884 This is a slide town, guy! 393 00:15:17,917 --> 00:15:20,387 Swing a dead Kyle, and you'll hit one. 394 00:15:20,420 --> 00:15:23,656 I, uh...never mentioned the name Kyle. 395 00:15:23,690 --> 00:15:26,259 These board shorts are mine! 396 00:15:30,964 --> 00:15:32,132 Great. 397 00:15:32,165 --> 00:15:34,334 You folks have yourselves a wonderful day. 398 00:15:34,367 --> 00:15:36,469 Turlington exits. 399 00:15:36,503 --> 00:15:39,672 Did he -- Did he just say, "Turlington exits"? 400 00:15:42,309 --> 00:15:43,977 And...done. 401 00:15:44,011 --> 00:15:46,846 Again, I apologize. That's never happened before. 402 00:15:46,879 --> 00:15:48,181 Woman: Mr. Smith? 403 00:15:49,049 --> 00:15:52,019 There's, uh... my boy. 404 00:15:52,052 --> 00:15:53,620 You, uh... you looked tired. 405 00:15:53,653 --> 00:15:55,155 Camp must have been fun. 406 00:15:55,188 --> 00:15:57,690 [ Monotone ] Steve...pure. 407 00:15:57,724 --> 00:15:59,959 I bet you got in a prank war with those preppies 408 00:15:59,993 --> 00:16:02,829 at the Gay Conversion Therapy Camp across the lake! 409 00:16:02,862 --> 00:16:04,664 [ Groans ] 410 00:16:06,166 --> 00:16:08,135 Let's get this slide down fast. 411 00:16:08,168 --> 00:16:09,869 That detective gave me the creeps. 412 00:16:09,902 --> 00:16:11,471 Which detective? 413 00:16:11,504 --> 00:16:12,639 Is the gate open? 414 00:16:12,672 --> 00:16:14,474 It's like Grand Central back here. 415 00:16:14,507 --> 00:16:16,376 Forensics came back from the lab -- 416 00:16:16,409 --> 00:16:18,711 says that Kyle's flight path originated... 417 00:16:18,745 --> 00:16:19,946 from this slide. 418 00:16:19,979 --> 00:16:22,815 There's no way! O-Our slide is totally safe! 419 00:16:22,849 --> 00:16:25,285 Great. Then I can close the case. 420 00:16:25,318 --> 00:16:27,687 Right after one of you goes down it. 421 00:16:27,720 --> 00:16:29,356 No problem. 422 00:16:29,389 --> 00:16:31,324 Oh, you bitch! 423 00:16:31,358 --> 00:16:33,560 [ Wind whistling ] 424 00:16:35,395 --> 00:16:37,797 Just gonna test the water. 425 00:16:37,830 --> 00:16:39,232 [ Whoosh ] 426 00:16:44,071 --> 00:16:45,505 Cool! 427 00:16:45,538 --> 00:16:49,242 [ Shakily ] Okay, it's...slidin' time, y'all. 428 00:16:50,943 --> 00:16:51,911 [ Whoosh ] 429 00:16:51,944 --> 00:16:53,213 [ Crackling ] 430 00:16:53,246 --> 00:16:54,947 [ Sizzling ] 431 00:16:58,285 --> 00:17:00,253 He did it! Alright, Roger! 432 00:17:00,287 --> 00:17:03,223 Well, I guess I had it all wrong. 433 00:17:03,256 --> 00:17:04,724 Case closed. 434 00:17:04,757 --> 00:17:05,925 Unsolved. 435 00:17:05,958 --> 00:17:07,327 Cold as chowder. 436 00:17:07,360 --> 00:17:09,529 I'm a cold-chowder man. 437 00:17:09,562 --> 00:17:12,565 You can really taste the clams that way. 438 00:17:12,599 --> 00:17:14,567 Mmmmm. 439 00:17:16,103 --> 00:17:17,370 Roger, are you okay? 440 00:17:17,404 --> 00:17:19,072 That sounded... awful. 441 00:17:19,106 --> 00:17:21,341 I'm cool. My hands took the worst of it. 442 00:17:21,374 --> 00:17:23,643 Nothing a little ice can't fix. 443 00:17:29,282 --> 00:17:31,784 [ Indistinct conversations ] 444 00:17:31,818 --> 00:17:34,454 The beginnings of these dances are always so awkward. 445 00:17:34,487 --> 00:17:37,257 Girls on one side of the room, dads on the other. 446 00:17:37,290 --> 00:17:38,925 Everyone's all nervous. 447 00:17:38,958 --> 00:17:41,894 My trick? Picture them in their underwear. 448 00:17:41,928 --> 00:17:43,230 Yeah, that's... 449 00:17:43,263 --> 00:17:44,297 Uh...thanks. 450 00:17:44,331 --> 00:17:45,965 Looks like the camp went great. 451 00:17:47,400 --> 00:17:49,202 I'm so glad you're here. 452 00:17:49,236 --> 00:17:50,770 [ Gags ] 453 00:17:50,803 --> 00:17:52,038 Um... 454 00:17:52,071 --> 00:17:53,973 do you...like my dress? 455 00:17:55,508 --> 00:17:57,310 [ Heaving ] 456 00:17:58,678 --> 00:18:02,782 Alright, fathers, find your daughters or son, 457 00:18:02,815 --> 00:18:07,620 because it's time for the ceremonial purity dance. 458 00:18:07,654 --> 00:18:09,956 [ Slow music plays ] 459 00:18:13,593 --> 00:18:15,928 Hey, bud. May I have this dance? 460 00:18:15,962 --> 00:18:16,929 Okay. 461 00:18:16,963 --> 00:18:19,632 Oh! Coming on a little strong, son. 462 00:18:19,666 --> 00:18:21,801 [ Muffled ] I won't feel sick if I don't look at them. 463 00:18:21,834 --> 00:18:24,304 You can't even look at girls anymore? 464 00:18:24,337 --> 00:18:25,805 Oh, my God. 465 00:18:27,006 --> 00:18:29,309 Steve, Steve, look at me! What is this for? 466 00:18:29,342 --> 00:18:30,610 Sweeping. 467 00:18:30,643 --> 00:18:32,479 You don't want to hump it? Or suck it? 468 00:18:32,512 --> 00:18:34,681 [ Sobbing ] Is my baby boy even in there?! 469 00:18:34,714 --> 00:18:36,983 Deejay: Lot of beautiful couples out there. 470 00:18:37,016 --> 00:18:39,952 Lot of beautiful couples out there! 471 00:18:41,321 --> 00:18:42,522 This is insane! 472 00:18:42,555 --> 00:18:44,324 Steve, I'm so sorry! 473 00:18:44,357 --> 00:18:45,925 But I was out of control. 474 00:18:45,958 --> 00:18:47,827 No, I was the one with the problem. 475 00:18:47,860 --> 00:18:49,662 I was so worried I might screw you up 476 00:18:49,696 --> 00:18:51,431 that I got you involved in this craziness, 477 00:18:51,464 --> 00:18:53,132 and it screwed you up even worse! 478 00:18:53,166 --> 00:18:54,367 Come on, Stan. 479 00:18:54,401 --> 00:18:56,603 Everybody's gettin' freaky out here! 480 00:18:56,636 --> 00:18:58,171 Enough of this. 481 00:18:58,205 --> 00:18:59,606 Shannon, your dad's a creep. 482 00:18:59,639 --> 00:19:01,140 [ Sighing ] Yeah. 483 00:19:03,543 --> 00:19:04,811 Stan, what are you doing? 484 00:19:04,844 --> 00:19:07,013 Listen up! These two like each other! 485 00:19:07,046 --> 00:19:09,882 And they don't need us getting in the way! 486 00:19:12,652 --> 00:19:15,087 Step away from the door. 487 00:19:16,889 --> 00:19:18,124 Don't you see? 488 00:19:18,157 --> 00:19:20,527 The more we shelter them from sex, the harder it'll be 489 00:19:20,560 --> 00:19:22,829 for them to make good decisions on their own. 490 00:19:24,897 --> 00:19:26,533 Charge! [ All shout ] 491 00:19:26,566 --> 00:19:27,967 Come on! [ Grunts ] 492 00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:30,203 Do you really want them learning everything about sex 493 00:19:30,237 --> 00:19:31,571 on their wedding nights? 494 00:19:31,604 --> 00:19:34,207 Steve, I-I feel like ever since 495 00:19:34,241 --> 00:19:37,009 you came back from the sexual-reprogramming camp, 496 00:19:37,043 --> 00:19:40,079 things have been... different between us. 497 00:19:40,112 --> 00:19:41,481 [ Gags ] 498 00:19:41,514 --> 00:19:43,250 Their feelings for each other are natural! 499 00:19:43,283 --> 00:19:45,652 We should give them the information and the space 500 00:19:45,685 --> 00:19:47,487 to safely explore those feelings, 501 00:19:47,520 --> 00:19:51,224 because they're people, and sex is part of the human experience! 502 00:19:51,258 --> 00:19:52,191 Aah! 503 00:19:52,225 --> 00:19:53,926 Are you getting this, son? 504 00:19:53,960 --> 00:19:56,229 Because I think this is me giving you the talk. 505 00:19:56,263 --> 00:19:57,764 Steve? 506 00:19:58,565 --> 00:20:00,433 [ Harp plays ] 507 00:20:01,634 --> 00:20:03,603 [ Harp plays ] 508 00:20:05,772 --> 00:20:08,441 I think there's been enough talk. 509 00:20:08,475 --> 00:20:10,443 [ Both moaning, swords clanking ] 510 00:20:10,477 --> 00:20:12,445 Stan: I can't hold out much longer, son! 511 00:20:12,479 --> 00:20:13,946 Jump kick! 512 00:20:18,050 --> 00:20:21,888 [ Monitor beeping, ventilator hissing ] 513 00:20:21,921 --> 00:20:23,256 [ Groans ] 514 00:20:23,290 --> 00:20:24,557 Dad, you're awake! 515 00:20:24,591 --> 00:20:27,360 Is it the future? Did we make it to Mars? 516 00:20:27,394 --> 00:20:29,362 Are Legos affordable again? 517 00:20:29,396 --> 00:20:31,030 Not quite, but, Dad, 518 00:20:31,063 --> 00:20:33,433 thanks for protecting me and Shannon back there. 519 00:20:33,466 --> 00:20:35,101 I should have all along. 520 00:20:35,134 --> 00:20:37,970 I put so much pressure on having the talk, 521 00:20:38,004 --> 00:20:40,106 but there shouldn't be one talk. 522 00:20:40,139 --> 00:20:41,408 It should be talks. 523 00:20:41,441 --> 00:20:42,942 I may not have every answer, 524 00:20:42,975 --> 00:20:46,413 but if you have questions, you can always ask me. 525 00:20:46,446 --> 00:20:48,247 I do have one question. 526 00:20:48,281 --> 00:20:49,282 [ Slow music plays ] 527 00:20:49,316 --> 00:20:51,484 May I have this dance? 528 00:20:54,921 --> 00:20:57,256 Thanks for making me horny again, Dad. 529 00:20:58,425 --> 00:21:00,192 And...I'm out. 530 00:21:02,261 --> 00:21:04,163 Have a great night!