Stan, I was cleaning your study
and found something we need to discuss.
Not my journal! How dare you?!
Those are my most private thoughts!
Okay, I confess.
Every entry was plagiarized from "The Diary of Anne Frank."
I was staring at that blank page,
and I couldn't think of a damn thing.
I'm blocked, Francine. I don't have it anymore.
[ Crying ] Maybe I never did!
What? No!
I found the events calendar for Steve's school.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, I forgot all about that
because I-I've just been flowing on my journal.
Well, they're having an assembly to promote abstinence.
Shouldn't they be learning about safe sex?
Have you given Steve the talk?
Steve doesn't need the talk. He's not ready.
Let's not tarnish the innocence of Daddy's sexless little boy.
Sexless?! Look at him!
[ Moaning ]
Ohh. [ Chuckles ]
Mmm. Mmm.
Whoa! Taking control!
Rawr!
He's playing a harmless game of Quidditch.
From "Harry Potter"?
The kid wizard with two friends and, like, tons of problems?
Steve: Dang, girl! You a freak!
[ Moaning ]
I'm not fully versed on the rules of Quidditch,
but I think that's worth three points.
* Good morning, U.S.A.
* I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day *
* The sun in the sky has a smile on his face *
* And he's shinin' a salute to the American race *
* Oh, boy, it's swell to say
* Good -- * Good morning, U.S.A.
Aah!
* Good morning, U.S.A.
[ Mid-tempo music plays ]
* Stop, drop
* Shut your legs, cover your slot *
* Whoa, oh
* That's how us virgins roll
Well, I'm certainly feeling turnt --
away from sex!
This next sketch shows us how to stand up to someone
that bullies you for choosing abstinence.
Now, who'd like to volunteer to play our virgin?
[ Chuckling ] Yeah. Can I volunteer to get punched in the dick?
What sucker's gonna go for --
Aah!
I got a virgin for ya!
[ Laughter ] Yeah! Mertz! Get him!
Why aren't you stopping this?!
'Cause I'm the straw that stirs the drink, biotch.
Whoo-hoo!
Hi, Carl. Just gonna squeeze in a quick cry before Algebra.
You know the rules.
Just don't look inside my black, metal trunk.
Steve! Oh, hey.
I wanted to introduce myself
and say how great you did onstage.
I thought it was really brave how you stood your ground,
silently crying when Mertz pantsed you.
Then how you courageously called out the names
of other virgins Mertz could pick on instead --
until Principal Lewis came up
and mimed ejaculating yogurt all over you.
And still, you did nothing -- absolutely nothing.
Weren't you about to say your name?!
I'm Shannon.
I was wondering if you'd like to join our purity group.
We've been looking to modernize by adding a boy,
and it's obvious you're a committed virgin.
What's a purity group?
Really? We just had, like, a whole assembly --
Never mind. [ Chuckles ]
Uh, a group of us pledged to abstain
from any sexual activity until marriage.
Purposefully? Yeah!
When you're not worrying about sex,
there's time for all kinds of fun stuff.
I-It's nerdy, but I'm writing a play based on Deathstroke.
The supervillain from DC Comics?
You know, he prefers to go by...
Both: ...Deathstroke the Terminator,
although his real name is Slade Wilson.
And don't forget about those...
...haunting Vietnam flashbacks!
Or that he...
...murdered his first son!
[ Both laugh ]
Uh, eh, anyway... [ Chuckles ]
...we're all meeting tonight.
Hope you can make it.
[ Sniffs deeply ]
I...run...this...city!
**
[ Cheering ]
**
This is the best place in the woooorld!
I'm never going hoooome!
[ Click ]
Damn it. We came home.
We spent 12 days at that slide,
and it never got old.
I'm already starting to forget how awesome it felt.
The anticipation climbing the ladder.
The butterflies in your stomach right before your turn.
The permanent layer of moisture on every restroom toilet seat.
Together: Yes, yes! Yeah! That!
But we left those feelings behind
at the Coors Light Water Kingdom in Oxford, Ohio.
What if we could get them back?
Look, we have a pool. How hard can it be to build a slide?
You ever slipped on a wet spot? Yeah.
Then you've already built a slide.
I'm...sorry?
We're building a sliiiiide!
"Me wake up.
Francine there.
I do shower."
Damn it!
Journals is hard!
Stan, this is the eighth broom we've gone through this month.
You have to have the talk with Steve!
I know.
Then why don't you do it?!
Because I'm afraid I'll do it wrong and screw him up.
That's what happened to me.
What are you talking about?
[ Sighs ] I've...never told you
about the time my dad gave me the talk.
[ Harp plays ]
Although, technically, it was more of a "watch."
Jack: Yeah. Here's a little number I call the Chattanooga Wheelbarrow.
Might want to put on your poncho, son.
You're in the splash zone!
Hey, you got that 5 bucks your mom gave you for candy?
Fork it over.
Woman: You're spoilin' me, Jack!
It ain't for you, you silly hooker!
This here's a smash-and-dash.
Now, Stan, I hope you're taking notes,
'cause this is how I --
Ooh! Ooh, Christ! Oh! Oh!
Looks like we struck oil!
Hand me your blankie!
[ Harp plays ]
I was messed up for years.
Well, you're a grown man now.
And anything you tell Steve will be better than this.
[ Sniffs ] Mmm!
Still has Shannon's scent on it.
So pure.
Well, time to crank it.
What the hell?! Get out!
I know it'll be awkward,
but you're at an age where we have to talk about...
abstinence?
Are you... not interested in sex?
It's -- It's complicated.
This really cool girl
invited me to a meeting at the rec center tonight --
No time to talk!
To the rec center! [ Thud ]
Oh, dang! They got hopscotch up in this bitch?
Steve! You made it!
You must be Steve's dad.
I'm Shannon's father -- Michael.
She mentioned he might come pop his purity cherry tonight.
[ Laughs ] That's just a little virgin humor.
They shouldn't be the only ones having fun.
Here. Give me your hand.
I'll introduce you to everyone.
I brought my play!
Uh, you probably don't want to read it.
You were just being nice.
No, I'd love to.
You really don't have to.
I honestly would love to read it.
You know what? Forget it.
Just give me the damn play!
Okay, I'll go get it.
Sheesh!
So, what is this purity group?
Well, in these sordid times, we fathers have a duty to serve
as the authority and protector of our daughter's purity --
mind and body.
We set a standard of manhood.
And until they marry a man we choose,
they pledge themselves to us.
So...it's kind of like you're dating your own daughter?
It's exactly like that.
Only way to ensure they grow up normal.
So, do you still have to give them the sex talk?
[ Laughter ]
They can't have sex. What's there to talk about?
We also get swords.
Shut...up!
They represent our role as knights of purity.
[ Angelic singing ]
So, you know, we have study group with our dads,
movie night with our dads.
Sometimes we skip the movies and just go to the woods
to kind of...hang out. [ Chuckles ]
So...it's kind of like you're dating your own dad?
It's exactly like that!
Huh.
Well...
'bout time for me to be hittin' the ol' dusty trail.
Steve. My son.
Will you make me the happiest daddy in the world...
and date me?
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Say "Yes."
Oh, please say "Yes," Steve.
If you join, we can hang out all the time.
Um...okay, I guess?
He said "Yeeeees"!
[ Cheering, bell tolls ]
Oh! I didn't know you guys had bells!
It's a CD. Gary has a CD player.
Hey, where were you this weekend?
Sorry. I was hanging out with some new friends.
[ Quietly ] I also took a purity pledge. I'm dating my dad.
Mertz: A purity pledge?!
Aah!
Ohhh! Go easy, Mertz.
No. Steve, we're cool.
I have too much respect for the pledge. You do?
I'd kill to have that kind of self-control,
but I'm a slave to my carnal appetites.
I keep waking up in beds next to strangers.
I live a dark life, Steve.
Wow. Mertz, I had no idea you were battling such demons.
If you ever want to talk, I'm here, man.
I-I think I'd like that.
How about tomorrow?
Maybe... over breakfast?
Right after I'm done...
banging your mom!
[ Smack ] Oh!
[ Laughing ]
I'm an animal!
A broken, filthy animal!
[ Crying ]
Thank you, again, for volunteering
to help me improve my sword skills.
I didn't! Please, I beg you, don't --
Okay, that's your shoulder,
so the cucumber should be right...here.
[ Muffled scream ]
Stan! Huh?
[ Muffled sobbing, screaming ]
Whoa. That is not what I was trying to do.
Did you talk to Steve yet?
Nope. He's joined a purity group,
and now I can't give him the talk even if I wanted to.
What?! [ Muffled scream ]
I said, Steve is taking a pledge of abstinence.
I am his knight of chastity.
Also his boyfriend. And I have a sword.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get ready for a date with my son.
[ Muffled scream ]
Hole-in-one!
Bombs away!
[ Imitates farting ]
[ Giggles ]
* Hey, hey, you, you, I don't like your girlfriend *
* No way, no way, I think you need a new one *
* Hey, hey, you, you, I could be your girlfriend *
[ Horse neighs ]
* Hey, hey, you, you, I know that you like me *
* No way, no way, you know it's not a secret *
* Hey, hey, you, you, I want to be your girlfriend *
* Hey, hey
* I know that you like me
* No way
* No, it's not a secret
* Hey, hey
* I want to be your girlfriend
* No way, no way
* Hey, hey
Roger: Here?
Maybe here?
I don't know.
I...think that looks right?
I guess.
Meaning we're done!
[ Fanfare ]
I can't believe we finished!
Whoa!
Now, that's what I'm talking about!
Um, excuse me. Who exactly are you?
I'm Kyle.
Look, uh, Kyle, was it?
We built this slide to recapture this amazing butterfly feeling,
so if you could just respect that
and kind of what we're all about --
Suck my [bleep], losers!
[ Angelic singing ]
[ Crash, car alarm blaring ]
[ Blaring continues ]
Did that sound like he landed in someone else's pool?
The kids love the purity ball.
There's dinner and speeches,
and it all ends in a beautiful dance with their dads --
which symbolizes their commitment
to not have sex until marriage.
And not to talk about it, either.
Higher.
[ Farts ]
Whoa! [ Thud ]
Did you hear that guy fart across the room?
[ Giggles ]
Steve, now that we're finally alone,
can I confess something?
I...wish you were my dad.
W...hat?
You know -- so...I could date you.
Oh.
What the hell is this?!
Holding hands?
You strumpets!
And what is that smell?!
I-I'm -- I'm sorry! Dad, I-I -- I don't --
I should have seen this coming.
You've had way too much freedom lately.
I'm moving you back into my bedroom!
If anybody should move into your bedroom, it's me, sir.
I made Shannon hold hands, and I wanted more!
[ All gasp ]
We should have never let a boy join!
He's obsessed!
Soiling the sanctity of the group
and horning in on our chicks!
Out! Both of you!
[ Quietly ] But then I'll have to give him the talk.
[ Harp plays ]
Jack: Damn it, I lost my watch!
Get over here, son. You've got small hands.
[ Harp plays ]
Wait! There must be something we can do to stay!
There is... one thing you can do.
Sex Aversion Therapy Camp?!
Stan: You say that like it's a bad thing. Try this.
[ Excitedly ] Sex Aversion Therapy Camp!
Wha-- Wha-- What is this?!
I don't need sex-aversion therapy!
[ Projector whirring ]
[ Slow orchestral music plays ] That's a handsome couple.
Pretty beach. Wonder where that is.
Oh. Well, now they're --
now they're taking it to the bedroom.
Ooh. Little PG-13.
Ooh! Off comes the bra!
Hmm. Maybe this -- maybe this camp isn't so bad.
[ Screams ]
Oh, gross!
Stop! Turn it off!
[ Clang ]
Sweet Jesus, have mercy!
Blaaaah!
Euggggh!
Aaagh!
Ohhhh! Aaagh!
Please, stop! Stop it!
Please, stop showing me photos of that hideous woman!
Eugggggaaaaaaaaah!
I can't believe our slide actually got a guy killed.
What if somebody finds out?!
Everybody, just be cool!
If we all did our job, no one's going to find out anything.
I buried our bathing suits and the tools.
[ Shakily ] I cut Kyle's body into pieces
and dissolved it in acid.
And I have every intention
of getting rid of his board shorts.
Then that's everything.
There's not a single shred of evidence
linking us to his death.
This your slide?
Mother[bleep]. The slide.
We forgot about the slide!
Dirk Turlington, waterpark detective.
Got a report of a man missing after riding a waterslide.
Well, not ours!
This is a slide town, guy!
Swing a dead Kyle, and you'll hit one.
I, uh...never mentioned the name Kyle.
These board shorts are mine!
Great.
You folks have yourselves a wonderful day.
Turlington exits.
Did he -- Did he just say, "Turlington exits"?
And...done.
Again, I apologize. That's never happened before.
Woman: Mr. Smith?
There's, uh... my boy.
You, uh... you looked tired.
Camp must have been fun.
[ Monotone ] Steve...pure.
I bet you got in a prank war with those preppies
at the Gay Conversion Therapy Camp across the lake!
[ Groans ]
Let's get this slide down fast.
That detective gave me the creeps.
Which detective?
Is the gate open?
It's like Grand Central back here.
Forensics came back from the lab --
says that Kyle's flight path originated...
from this slide.
There's no way! O-Our slide is totally safe!
Great. Then I can close the case.
Right after one of you goes down it.
No problem.
Oh, you bitch!
[ Wind whistling ]
Just gonna test the water.
[ Whoosh ]
Cool!
[ Shakily ] Okay, it's...slidin' time, y'all.
[ Whoosh ]
[ Crackling ]
[ Sizzling ]
He did it! Alright, Roger!
Well, I guess I had it all wrong.
Case closed.
Unsolved.
Cold as chowder.
I'm a cold-chowder man.
You can really taste the clams that way.
Mmmmm.
Roger, are you okay?
That sounded... awful.
I'm cool. My hands took the worst of it.
Nothing a little ice can't fix.
[ Indistinct conversations ]
The beginnings of these dances are always so awkward.
Girls on one side of the room, dads on the other.
Everyone's all nervous.
My trick? Picture them in their underwear.
Yeah, that's...
Uh...thanks.
Looks like the camp went great.
I'm so glad you're here.
[ Gags ]
Um...
do you...like my dress?
[ Heaving ]
Alright, fathers, find your daughters or son,
because it's time for the ceremonial purity dance.
[ Slow music plays ]
Hey, bud. May I have this dance?
Okay.
Oh! Coming on a little strong, son.
[ Muffled ] I won't feel sick if I don't look at them.
You can't even look at girls anymore?
Oh, my God.
Steve, Steve, look at me! What is this for?
Sweeping.
You don't want to hump it? Or suck it?
[ Sobbing ] Is my baby boy even in there?!
Deejay: Lot of beautiful couples out there.
Lot of beautiful couples out there!
This is insane!
Steve, I'm so sorry!
But I was out of control.
No, I was the one with the problem.
I was so worried I might screw you up
that I got you involved in this craziness,
and it screwed you up even worse!
Come on, Stan.
Everybody's gettin' freaky out here!
Enough of this.
Shannon, your dad's a creep.
[ Sighing ] Yeah.
Stan, what are you doing?
Listen up! These two like each other!
And they don't need us getting in the way!
Step away from the door.
Don't you see?
The more we shelter them from sex, the harder it'll be
for them to make good decisions on their own.
Charge! [ All shout ]
Come on! [ Grunts ]
Do you really want them learning everything about sex
on their wedding nights?
Steve, I-I feel like ever since
you came back from the sexual-reprogramming camp,
things have been... different between us.
[ Gags ]
Their feelings for each other are natural!
We should give them the information and the space
to safely explore those feelings,
because they're people, and sex is part of the human experience!
Aah!
Are you getting this, son?
Because I think this is me giving you the talk.
Steve?
[ Harp plays ]
I think there's been enough talk.
[ Both moaning, swords clanking ]
Stan: I can't hold out much longer, son!
Jump kick!
[ Monitor beeping, ventilator hissing ]
[ Groans ]
Dad, you're awake!
Is it the future? Did we make it to Mars?
Are Legos affordable again?
Not quite, but, Dad,
thanks for protecting me and Shannon back there.
I should have all along.
I put so much pressure on having the talk,
but there shouldn't be one talk.
It should be talks.
I may not have every answer,
but if you have questions, you can always ask me.
I do have one question.
[ Slow music plays ]
May I have this dance?
Thanks for making me horny again, Dad.
And...I'm out.
Have a great night!