1
00:00:05,273 --> 00:00:07,075
(horns honking)

2
00:00:09,443 --> 00:00:10,711
This damn traffic.

3
00:00:10,811 --> 00:00:12,380
We're gonna be late
for the Bazooka Sharks game,

4
00:00:12,480 --> 00:00:13,747
and if you don't see
the beginning,

5
00:00:13,847 --> 00:00:15,516
the rest of the game
doesn't make any sense.

6
00:00:15,616 --> 00:00:16,784
Thanks for agreeing
to take me

7
00:00:16,884 --> 00:00:18,619
to Urban Outfitters
after the game.

8
00:00:18,719 --> 00:00:21,255
It sucks that the closest one
is 70 miles away.

9
00:00:21,355 --> 00:00:22,756
I never agreed to that.

10
00:00:22,856 --> 00:00:24,425
I don't even know what that is,
some sort of store?

11
00:00:24,525 --> 00:00:26,294
Stan,
it's not just a store.

12
00:00:26,394 --> 00:00:29,263
It's a lifestyle, but more
than that, it's a store.

13
00:00:29,363 --> 00:00:31,299
They have everything --
Polaroid cameras,

14
00:00:31,399 --> 00:00:33,901
suitcase record players,
and the flower dress

15
00:00:34,001 --> 00:00:36,270
Janeane Garofalo wore
in "Reality Bites."

16
00:00:36,370 --> 00:00:37,438
It's one-stop shopping

17
00:00:37,538 --> 00:00:38,939
if you're looking to go
full Garofalo.

18
00:00:39,039 --> 00:00:41,442
Fine. If it'll shut you up,
we can go there after the game.

19
00:00:41,542 --> 00:00:42,443
Thanks, Stan.

20
00:00:42,543 --> 00:00:45,446
Some road head
to celebrate?

21
00:00:45,546 --> 00:00:46,914
We haven't moved in ages.

22
00:00:47,014 --> 00:00:48,416
You know what our town
could use?

23
00:00:48,516 --> 00:00:49,917
One of those
bullet trains.

24
00:00:50,017 --> 00:00:51,252
A bullet train?

25
00:00:51,352 --> 00:00:53,454
Yeah,
a high-speed bullet train.

26
00:00:53,554 --> 00:00:55,389
Take you from downtown
to the Sharks' Nest

27
00:00:55,489 --> 00:00:56,590
at 200 miles per hour.

28
00:00:56,690 --> 00:00:59,093
That is a humdinger
of an idea.

29
00:00:59,193 --> 00:01:01,061
You got to take that
straight to the mayor.

30
00:01:01,162 --> 00:01:02,763
Okay, let's do it.

31
00:01:02,863 --> 00:01:04,832
I feel good about this --
really good.

32
00:01:04,932 --> 00:01:06,934
And not just because
I'm on OxyContin,

33
00:01:07,034 --> 00:01:10,003
though that is
[snores]

34
00:01:10,104 --> 00:01:13,341
Man: It's kickoff time,
Bazooka Shark Fans.

35
00:01:13,441 --> 00:01:14,775
We're missing the game.

36
00:01:14,875 --> 00:01:16,510
Oh, man.
So is Sky Crooner.

37
00:01:16,610 --> 00:01:18,812
* On my way back
from family court *

38
00:01:18,912 --> 00:01:22,350
* Got to keep my job
to pay child support *

39
00:01:22,450 --> 00:01:24,118
* Yeah, yeah

40
00:01:24,218 --> 00:01:28,489
* Sky Crooner
stuck in traffic *

41
00:01:28,589 --> 00:01:30,958
(patriotic music plays)

42
00:01:31,058 --> 00:01:33,461
* Good morning, U.S.A.

43
00:01:33,561 --> 00:01:37,465
* I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day *

44
00:01:37,565 --> 00:01:40,768
* The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face *

45
00:01:40,868 --> 00:01:45,206
* And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race *

46
00:01:46,874 --> 00:01:50,144
* Oh, boy, it's swell to say

47
00:01:50,244 --> 00:01:52,680
* Good --
* Good morning, U.S.A.

48
00:01:52,780 --> 00:01:54,114
Aah!

49
00:01:55,149 --> 00:01:58,719
* Good morning, U.S.A. *

50
00:02:01,121 --> 00:02:03,524
No one even touched
their plates.

51
00:02:03,624 --> 00:02:07,195
Guess they're too good for this
lovely breakfast brisket.

52
00:02:07,295 --> 00:02:08,396
Aah!

53
00:02:10,231 --> 00:02:13,334
Oh, you like my brisket.

54
00:02:13,434 --> 00:02:15,369
Well, I like you.

55
00:02:15,469 --> 00:02:18,339
Oh, but you have to try it
with the sauce and sides.

56
00:02:18,439 --> 00:02:20,508
Here,
I'll make you a plate.

57
00:02:22,976 --> 00:02:24,412
This, Mom.

58
00:02:24,512 --> 00:02:27,881
This kind of thing is why
you're always getting rabies.

59
00:02:30,083 --> 00:02:32,085
Thanks for taking the time
out of your busy schedule

60
00:02:32,186 --> 00:02:34,087
to meet with us.
-My pleasure.

61
00:02:34,188 --> 00:02:36,890
I, uh, always have time
for my constituents.

62
00:02:36,990 --> 00:02:39,059
You really can lower
your firearm now.

63
00:02:39,159 --> 00:02:40,194
Of course.

64
00:02:40,294 --> 00:02:41,895
I just find
the old skull popper

65
00:02:41,995 --> 00:02:43,897
works better than
a bunch of phone calls.

66
00:02:43,997 --> 00:02:45,533
Now, I only have
a few minutes,

67
00:02:45,633 --> 00:02:48,569
and then I have to get back
to my reelection campaign.

68
00:02:48,669 --> 00:02:50,438
I hear you have
an amazing idea for me.

69
00:02:50,538 --> 00:02:54,442
Yes. Well, sorry.
I'm a little nervous.

70
00:02:54,542 --> 00:02:55,776
Stan, don't be nervous.

71
00:02:55,876 --> 00:02:58,946
He's the one who looks
like a human bullfrog.

72
00:03:00,080 --> 00:03:03,183
But he's also the one
we have to impress right now.

73
00:03:03,284 --> 00:03:05,052
And judging by the scowl
on his face,

74
00:03:05,152 --> 00:03:06,554
he heard
the bullfrog thing.

75
00:03:06,654 --> 00:03:08,622
So take it away, Stan.

76
00:03:08,722 --> 00:03:11,425
Mr. Mayor, this town
needs a bullet train.

77
00:03:11,525 --> 00:03:14,061
A bullet train. Huh.

78
00:03:14,161 --> 00:03:15,396
Guys?
-A conservative estimate

79
00:03:15,496 --> 00:03:16,897
for a bullet train
is in the billions,

80
00:03:16,997 --> 00:03:18,932
and using a bullet train
for intracity travel

81
00:03:19,032 --> 00:03:20,634
makes no sense at all.

82
00:03:22,736 --> 00:03:24,071
Let Stan finish.

83
00:03:24,171 --> 00:03:25,906
I think you'll change
your dumb minds

84
00:03:26,006 --> 00:03:27,207
after you hear
the presentation

85
00:03:27,308 --> 00:03:30,411
my main man worked
all afternoon on.

86
00:03:30,511 --> 00:03:32,446
Here's a rendering
of the train proposal

87
00:03:32,546 --> 00:03:33,814
along with
environmental impact,

88
00:03:33,914 --> 00:03:35,949
traffic-flow analysis,
and other factors.

89
00:03:36,049 --> 00:03:40,254
I drew Batman, too, because I'm
really good at drawing Batman.

90
00:03:40,354 --> 00:03:43,824
(laughter)

91
00:03:43,924 --> 00:03:45,626
I humiliated myself.

92
00:03:45,726 --> 00:03:46,827
It's a stupid idea.

93
00:03:46,927 --> 00:03:47,828
No, it's not.

94
00:03:47,928 --> 00:03:49,430
I still believe
in the idea.

95
00:03:49,530 --> 00:03:51,064
I still believe
in you.

96
00:03:51,164 --> 00:03:52,733
Tell her your idea,
Stan.

97
00:03:52,833 --> 00:03:56,404
I think this town
should have a bullet train.

98
00:03:56,504 --> 00:03:58,439
A bullet train?

99
00:03:58,539 --> 00:03:59,740
Oh, hon.

100
00:03:59,840 --> 00:04:01,975
That is exactly
what this town needs.

101
00:04:02,075 --> 00:04:03,811
I hate that we don't
have one of those.

102
00:04:03,911 --> 00:04:05,413
You guys talking
bullet train?

103
00:04:05,513 --> 00:04:08,449
Yeah, I-I think it could help
with traffic and stuff.

104
00:04:08,549 --> 00:04:10,284
I, for one,
dislike traffic,

105
00:04:10,384 --> 00:04:12,420
so this idea is really
speaking to me.

106
00:04:12,520 --> 00:04:14,288
Well, it isn't
just about traffic.

107
00:04:14,388 --> 00:04:16,189
A bullet train
isn't about taking you

108
00:04:16,290 --> 00:04:17,291
from one place to another.

109
00:04:17,391 --> 00:04:19,427
A bullet train is about
telling people

110
00:04:19,527 --> 00:04:21,962
that this town has arrived.

111
00:04:22,062 --> 00:04:23,464
That's beautiful.

112
00:04:23,564 --> 00:04:25,132
You're beautiful, babe.

113
00:04:25,232 --> 00:04:26,300
Aww.

114
00:04:26,400 --> 00:04:28,268
I'm getting so horny
for this bullet train.

115
00:04:28,369 --> 00:04:30,103
Has anyone considered
roundabouts?

116
00:04:30,203 --> 00:04:33,507
In Europe, they've alleviated
[screams]

117
00:04:33,607 --> 00:04:35,543
We're talking
about a train.

118
00:04:35,643 --> 00:04:38,145
Now, I'm not gonna stand up
here and say that this train

119
00:04:38,245 --> 00:04:39,947
will solve
all of your problems

120
00:04:40,047 --> 00:04:41,682
because you already
know it will.

121
00:04:41,782 --> 00:04:45,486
It's so simple, just two stops,
downtown to the Sharks' Nest.

122
00:04:45,586 --> 00:04:47,855
This woman right here,
she could get to the game fast.

123
00:04:47,955 --> 00:04:51,024
This guy here could also get
to the game very fast.

124
00:04:51,124 --> 00:04:53,527
Will the tracks run
through Clementine Park?

125
00:04:53,627 --> 00:04:54,862
I hate that place.

126
00:04:54,962 --> 00:04:56,997
It's full of couples
having sex in sleeping bags,

127
00:04:57,097 --> 00:05:01,001
and I am sick of watching
them as much as I can.

128
00:05:01,101 --> 00:05:02,570
I'm not sure.

129
00:05:02,670 --> 00:05:04,237
That is all
I need to hear.

130
00:05:04,338 --> 00:05:08,241
I am all aboard
this train idea.

131
00:05:08,342 --> 00:05:10,644
-Chicka-chicka-chicka-chicka...
-Whoo-whoo!

132
00:05:10,744 --> 00:05:12,746
-...chicka-chicka-chicka...
-Whoo-whoo!

133
00:05:12,846 --> 00:05:15,483
-...chicka-chicka-chicka-chicka.
-Whoo-whoo!

134
00:05:20,153 --> 00:05:22,189
(yawns)

135
00:05:24,992 --> 00:05:26,594
(urinating)

136
00:05:26,694 --> 00:05:29,363
(copier beeps)

137
00:05:30,230 --> 00:05:32,900
(urinating stops)

138
00:05:34,167 --> 00:05:37,070
I have half a mind
to ask who that was.

139
00:05:37,905 --> 00:05:39,840
-What do you think?
-What the hell is going on?

140
00:05:39,940 --> 00:05:42,342
I've never mentioned it
because I'm humble as hell,

141
00:05:42,443 --> 00:05:44,011
but as W. Willard Wartz,

142
00:05:44,111 --> 00:05:46,614
I ran Adlai Stevenson's
presidential bids

143
00:05:46,714 --> 00:05:48,281
in '52 and '56.

144
00:05:48,382 --> 00:05:51,719
Landslide losses,
laughed out of the beltway,

145
00:05:51,819 --> 00:05:53,421
swore off politics
forever.

146
00:05:53,521 --> 00:05:56,457
That is until I saw you
speak at that diner.

147
00:05:56,557 --> 00:05:59,593
Stan, you're a
once-in-a-generation candidate.

148
00:05:59,693 --> 00:06:01,094
You have to run
for mayor.

149
00:06:01,194 --> 00:06:02,430
Look at this new sign.

150
00:06:04,031 --> 00:06:06,767
Oops. Old sign.
But timeless message.

151
00:06:06,867 --> 00:06:08,602
Me? Run for mayor?

152
00:06:08,702 --> 00:06:10,971
Oh, my God, Stan.
That should be your slogan.

153
00:06:11,071 --> 00:06:13,774
"Stan Smith --
me run for mayor."

154
00:06:13,874 --> 00:06:15,709
Uh, I don't know, Roger.

155
00:06:16,444 --> 00:06:18,111
No, no, no. No, no, no.
No, no, no, no.

156
00:06:18,211 --> 00:06:21,482
Steve, you cannot be seen with
those losers during an election.

157
00:06:21,582 --> 00:06:22,750
I got you new friends.

158
00:06:22,850 --> 00:06:23,917
New friends?

159
00:06:24,017 --> 00:06:26,587
If you think I'm going
to abandon...

160
00:06:26,687 --> 00:06:30,090
Make sure those dorks don't
sneak in through the back.

161
00:06:30,190 --> 00:06:32,826
To the pool!

162
00:06:32,926 --> 00:06:34,928
Let me guess, I'm going
to need a new husband

163
00:06:35,028 --> 00:06:36,664
because Jeff's gonna make
the campaign look bad.

164
00:06:36,764 --> 00:06:39,633
Jeff is actually polling great
with suburban househusbands

165
00:06:39,733 --> 00:06:42,102
and Cajun seniors
in the meat-packing industry.

166
00:06:42,202 --> 00:06:45,305
We have to win those demos,
or we are screwed.

167
00:06:45,405 --> 00:06:47,007
I'm a pollster now.

168
00:06:47,107 --> 00:06:50,611
And you said calling everyone
mon ami was super annoying.

169
00:06:50,711 --> 00:06:52,913
Are you sure a different
husband wouldn't poll better?

170
00:06:53,013 --> 00:06:54,314
You know, someone with
a big-ass dick

171
00:06:54,414 --> 00:06:55,949
the voters
can really get behind?

172
00:06:56,049 --> 00:06:57,985
Isn't this exciting,
Stan?

173
00:06:58,085 --> 00:07:00,320
I could be
the First Lady.

174
00:07:00,420 --> 00:07:01,789
I've always thought
of myself

175
00:07:01,889 --> 00:07:04,257
as the Jackie Kennedy
of Langley Falls.

176
00:07:04,357 --> 00:07:05,826
Um, what's with the...

177
00:07:05,926 --> 00:07:08,161
Lamonte?
He's my rat.

178
00:07:08,261 --> 00:07:10,363
Oh, hey, Lamonte.
So, what do you think, Stanny?

179
00:07:10,464 --> 00:07:11,965
I'm not sure, Roger.

180
00:07:12,065 --> 00:07:14,434
Isn't there more to governing
than just building a train?

181
00:07:14,535 --> 00:07:16,504
No, that's the genius
of your idea.

182
00:07:16,604 --> 00:07:18,105
The train solves
everything.

183
00:07:18,205 --> 00:07:19,372
Unemployment --

184
00:07:19,473 --> 00:07:21,041
everybody can have a job
building the train.

185
00:07:21,141 --> 00:07:23,977
Education -- ride the rails
and learn some hobo wisdom.

186
00:07:24,077 --> 00:07:27,781
Crime -- the only thing criminal
is not having a bullet train.

187
00:07:27,881 --> 00:07:30,183
Stan,
your town needs you.

188
00:07:30,283 --> 00:07:31,885
I'll do it.

189
00:07:31,985 --> 00:07:33,954
Stan Smith is running
for mayor.

190
00:07:34,054 --> 00:07:36,023
(cheers)

191
00:07:36,123 --> 00:07:37,958
What do you think,
Francine?

192
00:07:38,058 --> 00:07:39,527
Ever done it
with a mayor?

193
00:07:39,627 --> 00:07:41,562
I have.
Six of them, actually.

194
00:07:41,662 --> 00:07:44,665
Seven if you count the guy
in the Mayor McCheese outfit.

195
00:07:44,765 --> 00:07:47,034
You dog.

196
00:07:53,073 --> 00:07:54,307
Dad, you remember
James Garfield,

197
00:07:54,407 --> 00:07:55,676
the dead ex-president
you cloned?

198
00:07:55,776 --> 00:07:58,512
Of course. Welcome aboard
Team Stan, Garfy.

199
00:07:58,612 --> 00:08:00,047
Happy to pitch in.

200
00:08:00,147 --> 00:08:02,583
I do know a thing or two
about politics.

201
00:08:02,683 --> 00:08:06,253
I've been a U.S. President,
and, also, thanks to Hulu,

202
00:08:06,353 --> 00:08:09,590
I've now seen every episode
of "Spin City."

203
00:08:09,690 --> 00:08:11,525
Come on, our campaign ad
is about to air.

204
00:08:11,625 --> 00:08:14,895
I hope you like it, because I
blew our entire budget on this.

205
00:08:14,995 --> 00:08:19,533
Leykis:
Everyone thinks they know
Mayor Alan Woodside.

206
00:08:19,633 --> 00:08:21,735
I got Tom Leykis to do
the voice over.

207
00:08:21,835 --> 00:08:23,871
Huge get.
Chicks love him.

208
00:08:24,905 --> 00:08:27,875
But how well
do we really know him?

209
00:08:27,975 --> 00:08:30,944
[ Snarling ]
That's right.

210
00:08:31,044 --> 00:08:34,414
He's a giant spider,
except this spider hates God,

211
00:08:34,514 --> 00:08:37,885
young mothers,
and only loves one thing --

212
00:08:37,985 --> 00:08:40,220
masturbating
on the American flag.

213
00:08:40,320 --> 00:08:42,389
I'm Stan Smith,
and I approve this message.

214
00:08:42,489 --> 00:08:47,260
This is
a very savvy ad.

215
00:08:47,360 --> 00:08:48,629
Roger, I'm not sure --

216
00:08:48,729 --> 00:08:50,898
You got to trust me, Stan.
Just focus on the debates.

217
00:08:50,998 --> 00:08:53,100
We need to spend
all day tomorrow prepping

218
00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:54,534
because the debates
are Thursday.

219
00:08:54,635 --> 00:08:56,637
Isn't today Thursday?

220
00:08:57,905 --> 00:09:00,908
If you're right, and I'm
beginning to think you are,

221
00:09:01,008 --> 00:09:04,077
I slept 36 hours
last night.

222
00:09:05,312 --> 00:09:07,915
I'm Memphis Stormfront,
your local weatherman,

223
00:09:08,015 --> 00:09:10,283
and I guess I also do this.

224
00:09:10,383 --> 00:09:11,819
Let's welcome our candidates.

225
00:09:11,919 --> 00:09:14,087
Your incumbent mayor,
Alan Woodside.
(applause)

226
00:09:14,187 --> 00:09:17,090
And you've probably seen
this guy in your Facebook feed,

227
00:09:17,190 --> 00:09:20,460
yelling about trains,
Stan Smith.
(applause)

228
00:09:20,560 --> 00:09:21,929
This will be
a town-hall debate

229
00:09:22,029 --> 00:09:24,898
with questions from
real undecided voters.

230
00:09:24,998 --> 00:09:27,100
Let's begin.
-As a pregnant woman,

231
00:09:27,200 --> 00:09:29,970
I want to know why
Mayor Woodside thinks I'm ugly.

232
00:09:30,070 --> 00:09:32,505
What?!
I do not think you're ugly.

233
00:09:32,606 --> 00:09:34,474
I think motherhood is --
-Boring.

234
00:09:34,574 --> 00:09:37,477
This guy has derailed
the town long enough.

235
00:09:37,577 --> 00:09:40,681
We need to get back
on track.

236
00:09:40,781 --> 00:09:42,315
Hello.
I'm a small-business owner.

237
00:09:42,415 --> 00:09:45,653
Why is Mayor Woodside poisoning
the town's water supply?

238
00:09:45,753 --> 00:09:47,420
What?
I-I-I'm not doing that.

239
00:09:47,520 --> 00:09:49,089
(audience booing)

240
00:09:49,189 --> 00:09:50,991
Woodside molested my goat.

241
00:09:51,091 --> 00:09:52,125
(bleats)

242
00:09:52,225 --> 00:09:54,828
I have never touched
that goat or any goat.

243
00:09:54,928 --> 00:09:57,530
I think we're focusing
on the wrong thing here.

244
00:09:57,631 --> 00:10:01,601
My opponent has no experience
governing at any level.

245
00:10:01,702 --> 00:10:06,774
What I may lack in experience,
I make up for in The Power Team.

246
00:10:06,874 --> 00:10:09,810
* We're not gonna take it *

247
00:10:09,910 --> 00:10:13,180
* No, we ain't gonna take it *

248
00:10:13,280 --> 00:10:18,786
* We're not gonna take it
anymore *

249
00:10:18,886 --> 00:10:22,723
* We're not gonna take it *

250
00:10:22,823 --> 00:10:25,859
* No, we ain't gonna take it *

251
00:10:25,959 --> 00:10:27,627
* We're not gonna take it
anymore *

252
00:10:27,728 --> 00:10:30,698
(audience chanting "Stan")

253
00:10:30,798 --> 00:10:32,299
(camera shutter clicks)
(all gasp)

254
00:10:32,399 --> 00:10:36,704
Okay, so here are your approval
ratings from the debate.

255
00:10:36,804 --> 00:10:38,371
As you can see,
great start.

256
00:10:38,471 --> 00:10:41,074
Roger's running around hammering
the mayor from all sides,

257
00:10:41,174 --> 00:10:43,811
and here is where
The Power Team took the stage.

258
00:10:43,911 --> 00:10:45,045
I know you're not
a professional,

259
00:10:45,145 --> 00:10:46,579
but this is
a very high number.

260
00:10:46,680 --> 00:10:49,149
But here, here's where
you drop the baby.

261
00:10:49,249 --> 00:10:50,918
You can almost
see it falling.

262
00:10:51,018 --> 00:10:53,186
Well, what's this right here?
Looks like I rebounded.

263
00:10:53,286 --> 00:10:55,823
That's when people thought
you were going to catch the baby

264
00:10:55,923 --> 00:10:57,324
on the first bounce.

265
00:10:57,424 --> 00:10:59,559
I guess the whole town
is best friends with that baby.

266
00:10:59,659 --> 00:11:01,862
Stan, cheer up.
This is just a little gaffe.

267
00:11:01,962 --> 00:11:03,831
I'll fix it.
-Here's an idea.

268
00:11:03,931 --> 00:11:09,036
Maybe we get some dirt on
that baby, make Stan the hero.

269
00:11:09,903 --> 00:11:12,572
Bye, Mom. My crew and I
are gonna roll up our jeans

270
00:11:12,672 --> 00:11:15,175
and playfully chase
each other on the beach.

271
00:11:16,209 --> 00:11:18,378
Why is he always telling me
where he's going?

272
00:11:18,478 --> 00:11:20,580
So, if Dad wins,
what's gonna be your thing?

273
00:11:20,680 --> 00:11:22,582
You know how first ladies
always have projects

274
00:11:22,682 --> 00:11:23,951
they want
to accomplish?

275
00:11:24,051 --> 00:11:26,586
Hmm, I haven't given
much thought to it.

276
00:11:26,686 --> 00:11:29,723
Been mostly focused on my rat,
but you're right.

277
00:11:29,823 --> 00:11:31,691
I need a project.

278
00:11:31,792 --> 00:11:34,094
Well,
I hate fat kids.

279
00:11:34,194 --> 00:11:37,130
Is there something
I could do with that? Maybe...

280
00:11:37,230 --> 00:11:40,267
-School lunches?
-...ship them away to an island?

281
00:11:41,869 --> 00:11:43,703
Polls are closing soon,
but buckle up

282
00:11:43,804 --> 00:11:45,238
because it's going
to be a long night

283
00:11:45,338 --> 00:11:46,639
before a winner is declared.

284
00:11:46,740 --> 00:11:47,975
Luckily, as always,

285
00:11:48,075 --> 00:11:50,043
we have our Channel 3
election-night panel

286
00:11:50,143 --> 00:11:51,711
of political insiders.

287
00:11:51,812 --> 00:11:54,114
Hooper, Trish,
Detective Turlington,

288
00:11:54,214 --> 00:11:56,416
Joe Chandler,
Tom from the grocery store,

289
00:11:56,516 --> 00:12:01,755
Trey, Billy, James Hetfield,
Devon, Krampus, David Axelrod.

290
00:12:01,855 --> 00:12:03,991
Never mind. The votes are in.
They've called the election.

291
00:12:04,091 --> 00:12:06,593
Apparently, thanks in part
to a mass influx

292
00:12:06,693 --> 00:12:08,328
of 10,000 migrant workers,

293
00:12:08,428 --> 00:12:12,499
it's a landslide victory
for Htims Nats.

294
00:12:12,599 --> 00:12:13,801
Oh, wait.
I read that backwards.

295
00:12:13,901 --> 00:12:15,602
It's Stan Smith.

296
00:12:15,702 --> 00:12:19,306
(cork pops)
(cheers)

297
00:12:19,406 --> 00:12:20,407
Have you seen Stan?

298
00:12:20,507 --> 00:12:22,142
No.
Have you seen my crew?

299
00:12:22,242 --> 00:12:23,844
Silly goose,
the election's over.

300
00:12:23,944 --> 00:12:25,813
I could only afford
to rent them for a week.

301
00:12:25,913 --> 00:12:28,816
They're gone, but were all
gonna go with Ashton

302
00:12:28,916 --> 00:12:30,851
to meet his birth mother.

303
00:12:30,951 --> 00:12:32,185
Stan?

304
00:12:32,285 --> 00:12:33,586
Stan,
this is your big night.

305
00:12:33,686 --> 00:12:35,422
What the heck are you doing
up here with your hat?

306
00:12:35,522 --> 00:12:37,324
What have I
gotten myself into?

307
00:12:37,424 --> 00:12:38,758
I don't know
how to be mayor.

308
00:12:38,859 --> 00:12:40,293
What do mayors even do?

309
00:12:40,393 --> 00:12:43,797
I'm, like, in charge of
the libraries and Pizza Huts?

310
00:12:43,897 --> 00:12:45,598
I-I have to approve
all the abortions?

311
00:12:45,698 --> 00:12:48,468
-Buddy, take a breath.
-(inhales sharply)

312
00:12:48,568 --> 00:12:49,702
Now, think back.

313
00:12:49,803 --> 00:12:51,604
The whole time you were
running for mayor,

314
00:12:51,704 --> 00:12:52,940
it was a pretty
good time, right?

315
00:12:53,040 --> 00:12:54,808
It was cool meeting
The Power Team.

316
00:12:54,908 --> 00:12:57,110
-They liked meeting you, too.
-(gasps)

317
00:12:57,210 --> 00:12:58,545
You know why
you had a good time?

318
00:12:58,645 --> 00:13:01,214
Because I was doing
all the boring work stuff,

319
00:13:01,314 --> 00:13:02,782
and that's not
gonna change.

320
00:13:02,883 --> 00:13:05,185
The Mayor's job
is to delegate,

321
00:13:05,285 --> 00:13:07,520
so you put me in charge
of building the train,

322
00:13:07,620 --> 00:13:10,023
and you focus
on this fun puzzle.

323
00:13:12,993 --> 00:13:14,027
Oof.

324
00:13:14,127 --> 00:13:16,897
No one said politics
was gonna be easy.

325
00:13:18,065 --> 00:13:22,335
This town can't afford
a $5 billion bullet train.

326
00:13:22,435 --> 00:13:24,872
(snaps fingers)

327
00:13:24,972 --> 00:13:27,540
(grunting)

328
00:13:31,244 --> 00:13:34,247
Hey!

329
00:13:34,347 --> 00:13:36,583
(snaps fingers)

330
00:13:40,653 --> 00:13:43,256
(grunting)

331
00:13:46,826 --> 00:13:49,029
Sorry, but you're gonna
have to push the unveiling.

332
00:13:49,129 --> 00:13:51,999
Oh, really?
(snaps fingers)

333
00:13:52,099 --> 00:13:53,500
(snaps fingers)

334
00:13:53,600 --> 00:13:55,402
Are you snapping at me?

335
00:13:55,502 --> 00:13:58,105
No, I was snapping at my goons
to take you away.

336
00:13:58,205 --> 00:13:59,572
Hey, yeah, it's me.

337
00:13:59,672 --> 00:14:01,108
Why are you guys making me
look like an asshole?

338
00:14:01,208 --> 00:14:03,944
I'm snapping like crazy here
and nothing.

339
00:14:04,044 --> 00:14:05,712
Well, where's Dante?

340
00:14:05,812 --> 00:14:07,580
Are either of the Brocks
available?

341
00:14:07,680 --> 00:14:09,549
Oh, never mind.
I see Scoot.

342
00:14:09,649 --> 00:14:11,684
Shouldn't be
much longer.

343
00:14:15,722 --> 00:14:18,558
First of all,
I'm proud to announce, look.

344
00:14:18,658 --> 00:14:21,594
(cheers)
What was one is two.

345
00:14:21,694 --> 00:14:23,196
Thank you. Thank you.

346
00:14:23,296 --> 00:14:24,597
Now, a lot of people
tried to tell me

347
00:14:24,697 --> 00:14:25,933
that there's no silver bullet

348
00:14:26,033 --> 00:14:28,101
to solving all the problems
in this town,

349
00:14:28,201 --> 00:14:29,402
but I guess those asswipes

350
00:14:29,502 --> 00:14:33,040
have never seen
a silver bullet train.

351
00:14:35,042 --> 00:14:36,977
Oh, I thought
it was gonna be silver.

352
00:14:37,077 --> 00:14:39,279
Hey, cool if I talk
to the crowd?

353
00:14:39,379 --> 00:14:41,314
What --
What are you wearing?

354
00:14:41,414 --> 00:14:42,449
Are those dead rats?

355
00:14:42,549 --> 00:14:45,385
Oh, God, no.
That would be disgusting.

356
00:14:45,485 --> 00:14:47,154
Show him, boys.

357
00:14:47,254 --> 00:14:49,222
(snaps fingers)

358
00:14:49,322 --> 00:14:51,124
Can you handle
this woman?

359
00:14:53,060 --> 00:14:54,494
(rats squeaking)

360
00:14:54,594 --> 00:14:56,496
Is that a bag
full of live rats?

361
00:14:56,596 --> 00:14:57,931
Is that
a T-shirt cannon?

362
00:14:58,031 --> 00:15:00,167
Are you gonna shoot
live rats into the crowd

363
00:15:00,267 --> 00:15:01,801
with a T-shirt cannon?

364
00:15:01,901 --> 00:15:04,337
Well,
I am the First lady.

365
00:15:04,437 --> 00:15:06,306
Sorry, Franny.
Your rat fun is over.

366
00:15:06,406 --> 00:15:08,175
Roger,
get out of my way.

367
00:15:08,275 --> 00:15:11,278
I'm the Mayor's wife,
and y work for him.

368
00:15:11,378 --> 00:15:13,981
Oh, is that
what's going on?

369
00:15:14,081 --> 00:15:15,515
Take her away.

370
00:15:15,615 --> 00:15:17,985
(grunts, screams)

371
00:15:18,085 --> 00:15:20,653
Rats, protect your queen.

372
00:15:20,753 --> 00:15:24,791
Take the form of...
Eiffel Tower.

373
00:15:24,891 --> 00:15:27,294
(rats squeaking)

374
00:15:27,394 --> 00:15:28,795
I taught them that.

375
00:15:28,895 --> 00:15:30,663
Where are we going?

376
00:15:32,632 --> 00:15:33,933
Hello, Francine.

377
00:15:34,034 --> 00:15:36,303
Doesn't it feel nice to have
that bag taken off your head?

378
00:15:36,403 --> 00:15:37,670
What's happening?

379
00:15:37,770 --> 00:15:40,173
We've all been deemed
enemies of the state.

380
00:15:40,273 --> 00:15:41,541
To which I say, good.

381
00:15:41,641 --> 00:15:45,345
About time somebody cracked down
on me littering.

382
00:15:45,445 --> 00:15:52,452
**

383
00:15:52,986 --> 00:15:55,955
The whole freaking town
must be in here.

384
00:15:56,056 --> 00:15:59,559
Hey, Francine.
Look how quickly I made friends.

385
00:16:03,296 --> 00:16:04,364
Huh.

386
00:16:04,464 --> 00:16:06,466
It's rush hour
and no traffic at all.

387
00:16:06,566 --> 00:16:10,570
Can only mean one thing --
bullet train killing it.

388
00:16:12,072 --> 00:16:14,541
(cellphone whooshes)

389
00:16:14,641 --> 00:16:16,476
That's weird.
Usually by now,

390
00:16:16,576 --> 00:16:19,346
Francine's texted me back
a black thumbs up.

391
00:16:19,446 --> 00:16:21,648
Stan, we must talk.

392
00:16:21,748 --> 00:16:23,816
Your chief of staff
has turned Langley Falls

393
00:16:23,916 --> 00:16:26,053
into
a totalitarian state.

394
00:16:26,153 --> 00:16:27,820
You've become a puppet.

395
00:16:27,920 --> 00:16:29,389
You need to...

396
00:16:29,489 --> 00:16:31,491
That's preposterous.
I'm not a puppet.

397
00:16:31,591 --> 00:16:33,726
I'm real.
I'm a real boy.

398
00:16:33,826 --> 00:16:35,395
Now, listen, Stan.

399
00:16:35,495 --> 00:16:36,596
Aah! Talking cricket!

400
00:16:36,696 --> 00:16:37,930
Aah.

401
00:16:40,233 --> 00:16:41,401
Roger, we need to talk.

402
00:16:41,501 --> 00:16:43,770
I just looked up
what "totalitarian" means,

403
00:16:43,870 --> 00:16:45,772
and I'm concerned.

404
00:16:49,076 --> 00:16:50,677
Francine.
(monitor clicks off)

405
00:16:50,777 --> 00:16:54,914
Well, well, well, you finally
put it all together.

406
00:16:55,014 --> 00:16:56,549
Wait, did you finally
put it all together?

407
00:16:56,649 --> 00:16:58,618
-No, I'm very confused.
-Okay.

408
00:16:58,718 --> 00:17:01,254
If you must know,
I've sort of become a despot,

409
00:17:01,354 --> 00:17:03,923
and I've kind of thrown half
the town into the Sharks' Nest,

410
00:17:04,023 --> 00:17:07,227
which I may have turned into
a postapocalyptic prison.

411
00:17:07,327 --> 00:17:08,428
Why would you do this?

412
00:17:08,528 --> 00:17:10,797
Stan, this has always been
about one thing

413
00:17:10,897 --> 00:17:13,933
and one thing only --
Urban Outfitters.

414
00:17:14,033 --> 00:17:16,603
What the hell does your weird
store have to do with this?

415
00:17:16,703 --> 00:17:18,271
I was sick of driving
90 minutes

416
00:17:18,371 --> 00:17:20,207
to buy a pillow
shaped like a taco.

417
00:17:20,307 --> 00:17:23,276
I needed to attract
an Urban Outfitters to Langley.

418
00:17:23,376 --> 00:17:26,113
You know what it takes
to get an Urban Outfitters?

419
00:17:26,213 --> 00:17:27,547
Infrastructure.

420
00:17:27,647 --> 00:17:29,816
That's why your bullet train
was the perfect idea,

421
00:17:29,916 --> 00:17:31,584
and while
I'm admitting stuff,

422
00:17:31,684 --> 00:17:35,588
I also slept with, like, all our
interns, even the chubby one.

423
00:17:35,688 --> 00:17:36,923
His name is Noah.

424
00:17:37,023 --> 00:17:38,491
We're in love, and we don't
care what you think.

425
00:17:38,591 --> 00:17:40,160
You need to close down
that prison.

426
00:17:40,260 --> 00:17:43,430
Are you crazy? That's where
Noah and I had our first kiss.

427
00:17:43,530 --> 00:17:45,265
I'm the Mayor.
I demand it.

428
00:17:45,365 --> 00:17:48,101
Buddy, you think
you're in charge?

429
00:17:48,201 --> 00:17:50,803
I've been in charge
from the very beginning.

430
00:17:50,903 --> 00:17:52,305
Power Team, take him away.
(snaps fingers)

431
00:17:52,405 --> 00:17:55,142
You'll never turn
The Power Team against me.

432
00:17:55,242 --> 00:17:57,410
You hear me?
Never.

433
00:17:57,510 --> 00:17:58,778
Never.

434
00:17:58,878 --> 00:18:00,647
Never!

435
00:18:00,747 --> 00:18:03,850
-Never what, sir?
-Um...Oh, wow.

436
00:18:03,950 --> 00:18:06,653
Uh, never...

437
00:18:06,753 --> 00:18:08,188
Hmm.

438
00:18:08,288 --> 00:18:13,793
**

439
00:18:13,893 --> 00:18:15,128
(grunts)

440
00:18:15,228 --> 00:18:18,498
Oh, God. This place is worse
than I thought.

441
00:18:18,598 --> 00:18:21,701
I got to find Francine,
but where to even start looking?

442
00:18:21,801 --> 00:18:23,035
Oh, there she is.

443
00:18:23,770 --> 00:18:26,973
So this --
this just kept going.

444
00:18:27,073 --> 00:18:28,208
Don't like the coat?

445
00:18:28,308 --> 00:18:30,943
How about a little
summertime fun?

446
00:18:31,043 --> 00:18:32,779
(rats squeaking)

447
00:18:32,879 --> 00:18:33,846
Gross.

448
00:18:33,946 --> 00:18:35,014
(snaps fingers)

449
00:18:35,114 --> 00:18:37,016
I'm just glad
you're all right.

450
00:18:37,116 --> 00:18:38,351
I'm sorry, Francine.

451
00:18:38,451 --> 00:18:40,287
Don't apologize to me.

452
00:18:40,387 --> 00:18:42,655
Apologize to them.

453
00:18:45,858 --> 00:18:49,362
Look, I made a mistake thinking
I could just have amazing,

454
00:18:49,462 --> 00:18:51,964
brilliant ideas and let
someone else do all the work.

455
00:18:52,064 --> 00:18:54,834
The real enemy here
is delegating.

456
00:18:54,934 --> 00:18:57,404
Too abstract. We want to throw
bottles at someone.

457
00:18:57,504 --> 00:18:59,239
I'm so sorry for all this.

458
00:18:59,339 --> 00:19:01,308
I almost wish none of it
had ever happened.

459
00:19:01,408 --> 00:19:02,809
That's not an apology.

460
00:19:02,909 --> 00:19:04,311
Look,
I'll apologize later.

461
00:19:04,411 --> 00:19:05,845
Right now, I'm going
to get us out of here.

462
00:19:05,945 --> 00:19:07,079
How the hell are you
gonna do that?

463
00:19:07,180 --> 00:19:10,817
Not by with talking.
(snaps fingers)

464
00:19:10,917 --> 00:19:13,720
* Action sequence, baby

465
00:19:15,188 --> 00:19:22,195
**

466
00:19:23,430 --> 00:19:30,437
**

467
00:19:31,037 --> 00:19:33,840
Yeah, ye-e-e-ah-ow-w-w-w!

468
00:19:33,940 --> 00:19:36,343
So, does it feel like
an Urban Outfitters?

469
00:19:36,443 --> 00:19:37,544
It's very large.

470
00:19:37,644 --> 00:19:40,213
Seven acres of floor space
for funky coasters

471
00:19:40,313 --> 00:19:41,714
and denim
that fits weird.

472
00:19:41,814 --> 00:19:42,915
And there's
a bullet train?

473
00:19:43,015 --> 00:19:44,284
There sure is.

474
00:19:44,384 --> 00:19:46,386
That's hella tight.
Doodle-loo-loo-loo-loo-loo.

475
00:19:46,486 --> 00:19:47,587
And these complementary
Dasani waters

476
00:19:47,687 --> 00:19:48,855
really put you
over the top.

477
00:19:48,955 --> 00:19:50,723
Welcome to
the Urban Outfitters family.

478
00:19:50,823 --> 00:19:52,792
Oh, my God.
This is amazing.

479
00:19:52,892 --> 00:19:55,595
Doodle-loo-loo-
loo-loo-loo.

480
00:19:55,695 --> 00:19:58,765
I'll just get a pen
to sign the contracts.

481
00:19:58,865 --> 00:20:01,268
Aah!
Aah!
(horn blares)

482
00:20:01,368 --> 00:20:03,236
Sorry, what?

483
00:20:03,336 --> 00:20:04,604
Well, shit.

484
00:20:04,704 --> 00:20:08,207
Well, lemonade.
Doodle-loo-loo-loo-loo-loo.

485
00:20:08,308 --> 00:20:10,477
Guess this could also be
a Build-A-Bear.

486
00:20:10,577 --> 00:20:12,945
It is with great regret
I announce

487
00:20:13,045 --> 00:20:14,981
that I am stepping
down as mayor.

488
00:20:15,081 --> 00:20:18,084
Look, I didn't take
being mayor seriously.

489
00:20:18,184 --> 00:20:20,620
I was an idiot for thinking
I could do this job,

490
00:20:20,720 --> 00:20:22,489
but you're also idiots
for electing me,

491
00:20:22,589 --> 00:20:25,758
so we all share responsibility
for this dumpster fire,

492
00:20:25,858 --> 00:20:27,126
but if I had to pick,

493
00:20:27,226 --> 00:20:29,161
I would say you guys
were the bigger idiots.

494
00:20:29,262 --> 00:20:30,397
Oh, yeah!

495
00:20:30,497 --> 00:20:32,832
It's time for a return
to sensible leadership

496
00:20:32,932 --> 00:20:35,735
as I give the office of mayor
back to a great man,

497
00:20:35,835 --> 00:20:38,638
the unfairly maligned
Alan Woodside.

498
00:20:38,738 --> 00:20:40,940
Come on up here, Alan.
(applause)

499
00:20:41,040 --> 00:20:44,477
Woodside was stabbed to death
in your illegal prison.

500
00:20:45,478 --> 00:20:46,446
Oh.

501
00:20:46,546 --> 00:20:48,748
Then, eeny, meeny,
miny, moe.

502
00:20:48,848 --> 00:20:52,819
Ooh! I love this city,
and I pledge --

503
00:20:52,919 --> 00:20:56,188
Mmmmmoe -- Garfield.

504
00:20:56,289 --> 00:21:00,793
The streets will run red
with the blood of my enemies!

505
00:21:00,893 --> 00:21:02,094
Parker: Oh, yeah!

506
00:21:02,194 --> 00:21:04,297
Bye-bye. See you soon.

507
00:21:06,132 --> 00:21:08,000
-- Captions by VITA --