1
00:00:03,351 --> 00:00:06,006
So there I am,
Staples parking lot is full.

2
00:00:06,136 --> 00:00:07,703
I'm talking
zero open spots.

3
00:00:07,833 --> 00:00:10,488
Game over, right?
No graph paper for Stan?

4
00:00:10,619 --> 00:00:12,925
Well, I see a woman
by a minivan.

5
00:00:13,056 --> 00:00:14,753
Is she loading her kid in
or taking him out?

6
00:00:14,884 --> 00:00:17,930
20 minutes later, the person
next to her pulls out,

7
00:00:18,061 --> 00:00:21,673
and that's how I came to find
my parking spot at Staples.

8
00:00:22,718 --> 00:00:25,590
Is it over?
I-Is the story actually over?

9
00:00:25,721 --> 00:00:26,722
Yes.

10
00:00:26,852 --> 00:00:28,593
Okay, then
I have a sick story.

11
00:00:28,724 --> 00:00:30,073
You know that machine gun
I found on the roof?

12
00:00:30,204 --> 00:00:31,596
But with an interesting
addendum.

13
00:00:31,727 --> 00:00:34,947
When I came out of Staples,
the minivan was gone.

14
00:00:35,078 --> 00:00:37,167
Honey, when you say
your story's over,

15
00:00:37,298 --> 00:00:39,213
it's not fair
to keep going.

16
00:00:39,343 --> 00:00:40,301
What's going on?

17
00:00:40,431 --> 00:00:42,129
I take 20 minutes
of my time,

18
00:00:42,259 --> 00:00:44,044
give you a solid-gold
parking-lot story,

19
00:00:44,174 --> 00:00:45,915
and your jaws
aren't on the floor?

20
00:00:46,046 --> 00:00:47,264
Your stories
are boring, Dad.

21
00:00:47,395 --> 00:00:48,091
You're boring.

22
00:00:48,222 --> 00:00:50,137
Ouch.
I get it.

23
00:00:50,267 --> 00:00:51,268
You didn't like
hearing that story,

24
00:00:51,399 --> 00:00:53,531
but you're gonna love
seeing it in pictures.

25
00:00:53,662 --> 00:00:55,794
I actually took a photo
of that parking spot.

26
00:00:55,925 --> 00:00:57,535
You guys are gonna
go bonkers over this.

27
00:00:57,666 --> 00:00:59,755
I can't build this up
enough.

28
00:01:01,539 --> 00:01:02,540
You're in luck.

29
00:01:02,671 --> 00:01:04,064
I must have accidentally
hit the burst mode

30
00:01:04,194 --> 00:01:06,544
and taken thousands
of photos.

31
00:01:07,632 --> 00:01:10,374
You guys hate my stories
this much?

32
00:01:10,505 --> 00:01:14,074
[floor creaking]

33
00:01:14,204 --> 00:01:15,597
[gasps]

34
00:01:15,727 --> 00:01:17,729
Shh.

35
00:01:17,860 --> 00:01:21,168
But I-I was just getting
to the Shyamalanian twist.

36
00:01:22,299 --> 00:01:25,215
Turns out it was
a CVS parking lot...

37
00:01:25,346 --> 00:01:27,087
[knocking]

38
00:01:27,217 --> 00:01:29,741
...and I wasn't allowed
to park there.

39
00:01:29,872 --> 00:01:33,136
[pounding on wall]

40
00:01:33,267 --> 00:01:35,312
Where did it go?
I can't see it.

41
00:01:35,443 --> 00:01:36,966
I can't see it!

42
00:01:37,097 --> 00:01:38,359
There it is.

43
00:01:38,489 --> 00:01:42,189
[screaming]

44
00:01:42,319 --> 00:01:46,323
[screaming continues]

45
00:01:46,454 --> 00:01:48,195
[electricity crackles][groaning]

46
00:01:48,325 --> 00:01:51,546
Don't you see how hurtful
this is to me, Steve?

47
00:01:51,676 --> 00:01:54,244
♪♪

48
00:01:54,375 --> 00:01:56,464
♪ Good morning, U.S.A.♪

49
00:01:56,594 --> 00:02:00,207
♪ I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day♪

50
00:02:00,337 --> 00:02:03,558
♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face♪

51
00:02:03,688 --> 00:02:07,344
♪ And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race♪

52
00:02:09,912 --> 00:02:13,263
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say♪

53
00:02:13,394 --> 00:02:15,831
♪ Good --♪♪ Good morning, U.S.A.♪

54
00:02:15,961 --> 00:02:17,137
Aah!

55
00:02:18,268 --> 00:02:21,445
♪ Good morning, U.S.A.♪

56
00:02:21,576 --> 00:02:23,404
♪♪

57
00:02:23,534 --> 00:02:24,492
Can you believe that?

58
00:02:24,622 --> 00:02:26,276
My family would rather
hide under the house

59
00:02:26,407 --> 00:02:29,323
and get tased over and over
than listen to my stories.

60
00:02:29,453 --> 00:02:30,846
That's ridiculous.

61
00:02:30,976 --> 00:02:32,239
I tell great stories,
right?

62
00:02:32,369 --> 00:02:35,067
Oh, yeah, top notch.

63
00:02:35,198 --> 00:02:36,373
[gunshot]

64
00:02:36,504 --> 00:02:38,158
Dick, did you just
deafen yourself

65
00:02:38,288 --> 00:02:40,160
to avoid
listening to my story?

66
00:02:40,290 --> 00:02:42,423
Uh...I had Thai
yesterday.

67
00:02:42,553 --> 00:02:44,207
How about Mexican?

68
00:02:44,338 --> 00:02:46,949
Hey, Stan.
Bullock needs to see you.

69
00:02:47,079 --> 00:02:48,255
And I need to see you.

70
00:02:48,385 --> 00:02:52,041
What did I tell you about
shooting my trash cans?

71
00:02:52,172 --> 00:02:54,652
Sorry, janitor.

72
00:02:54,783 --> 00:02:56,350
Smith.

73
00:02:56,480 --> 00:02:58,656
I'm just getting ready
for my vacation off the coast

74
00:02:58,787 --> 00:03:01,833
on Central America
to Hedonism lll.

75
00:03:01,964 --> 00:03:05,272
Sweet, flying solo
to an island full of swingers.

76
00:03:05,402 --> 00:03:06,273
Hell yeah!

77
00:03:06,403 --> 00:03:07,883
The grippin'
and the slurpin'.

78
00:03:08,013 --> 00:03:09,450
The grippin'
and the slurpin'.

79
00:03:09,580 --> 00:03:11,452
Yeah, yeah,
get it!

80
00:03:11,582 --> 00:03:13,323
Get it!

81
00:03:13,454 --> 00:03:16,935
Uh!

82
00:03:17,066 --> 00:03:19,416
Now, I'll need you to do me
a favor while I'm gone.

83
00:03:19,547 --> 00:03:22,724
I need you to teach my class
at the C.I.A. Academy.

84
00:03:22,854 --> 00:03:24,682
Although,
it won't be easy.

85
00:03:24,813 --> 00:03:26,684
My students
are quite fond of me.

86
00:03:26,815 --> 00:03:29,383
They call me
Professor X.

87
00:03:29,513 --> 00:03:30,558
Because you look
exactly like...

88
00:03:30,688 --> 00:03:34,388
Because I'm always trying
to sell them Ecstasy.

89
00:03:34,518 --> 00:03:35,693
[doorbell chimes]

90
00:03:35,824 --> 00:03:38,261
Thanks for saving me
an extra-dry hot dog, Chet.

91
00:03:38,392 --> 00:03:39,871
-Get ready.
-Aw, here we come.

92
00:03:40,002 --> 00:03:41,351
-Prepare yourself for greatness.
-Yo, yo, yo.

93
00:03:41,482 --> 00:03:42,222
What's that?

94
00:03:42,352 --> 00:03:44,920
Your style's weak.
Your rhymes are whack.

95
00:03:45,050 --> 00:03:47,227
Only good thing about you
is your sister's rack.

96
00:03:47,357 --> 00:03:49,359
Oh, got him!

97
00:03:49,490 --> 00:03:51,231
Oh, yeah, he did.

98
00:03:51,361 --> 00:03:52,710
-Oh, he brought it.
-Yeah.

99
00:03:52,841 --> 00:03:55,147
You hooked up with my sister,
and I ain't even pissed

100
00:03:55,278 --> 00:03:57,193
'cause that's
my sloppy seconds, bro.

101
00:03:57,324 --> 00:03:58,977
I taught her
how to kiss.

102
00:03:59,108 --> 00:04:01,502
Damn!
Bringing the pain!

103
00:04:01,632 --> 00:04:03,199
-Oh!
-That's hot!

104
00:04:03,330 --> 00:04:04,331
Burned him!

105
00:04:04,461 --> 00:04:06,333
This guy kissed his sister
and thinks he's all manly.

106
00:04:06,463 --> 00:04:07,421
Well, guess what?

107
00:04:07,551 --> 00:04:08,944
I've banged everybody
in my family.

108
00:04:09,074 --> 00:04:11,686
This dragon
is spitting fire!

109
00:04:11,816 --> 00:04:14,602
-Murdered him!
-Bring it, dawg. Bring it.

110
00:04:14,732 --> 00:04:16,299
[all gasp]

111
00:04:16,430 --> 00:04:17,605
-It's Juicy Lou.
-The King of Rap!

112
00:04:17,735 --> 00:04:20,390
Sweet! I found a triple-A
battery in my hot dog.

113
00:04:20,521 --> 00:04:23,611
I watched that whole battle, and
one of you really impressed me.

114
00:04:23,741 --> 00:04:25,308
Not you two.
You're terrible.

115
00:04:25,439 --> 00:04:28,224
I'm talking about the fish.

116
00:04:28,355 --> 00:04:30,313
But I didn't hip-hop.

117
00:04:30,444 --> 00:04:31,619
In fact, I was just
about to file

118
00:04:31,749 --> 00:04:33,316
a racially charged
noise complaint.

119
00:04:33,447 --> 00:04:36,058
Oh, you're no rapper,
but you've got what it takes

120
00:04:36,188 --> 00:04:37,407
to be a great hype man.

121
00:04:37,538 --> 00:04:38,800
A what?

122
00:04:38,930 --> 00:04:42,282
Every emcee has a hype man --
someone to cheer them on,

123
00:04:42,412 --> 00:04:44,806
pump up the crowd,
and guess what?

124
00:04:44,936 --> 00:04:48,157
I got a concert
at the Shark's Nest tonight.

125
00:04:48,288 --> 00:04:50,551
Are you...asking
for a ride?

126
00:04:50,681 --> 00:04:52,814
Hell, no!
I got tons of cars.

127
00:04:52,944 --> 00:04:55,469
I'm giving you the opportunity
of a lifetime --

128
00:04:55,599 --> 00:04:57,862
the chance
to be my hype man.

129
00:04:57,993 --> 00:05:00,561
-I'll do it!
-Great.

130
00:05:00,691 --> 00:05:02,650
Now that that's settled,
I actually do need a ride.

131
00:05:02,780 --> 00:05:06,306
I got mad cars,
but I also got mad DUIs.

132
00:05:10,484 --> 00:05:11,528
All we ask
is you do your best

133
00:05:11,659 --> 00:05:13,530
to inspire
our future agents.

134
00:05:13,661 --> 00:05:15,315
I don't know if this
is a good fit for me.

135
00:05:15,445 --> 00:05:17,491
People don't really like
to listen to me talk.

136
00:05:17,621 --> 00:05:18,579
Tell me, Agent Smith,
how old are you?

137
00:05:18,709 --> 00:05:20,537
65? 70?
-I'm 40.

138
00:05:20,668 --> 00:05:21,408
My point is I'm 73,

139
00:05:21,538 --> 00:05:23,235
and I'm the most jacked man
at the academy.

140
00:05:23,366 --> 00:05:25,412
Go ahead, try to fit
your hand around my arm.

141
00:05:25,542 --> 00:05:27,370
Come on, try.
Boom!

142
00:05:27,501 --> 00:05:29,111
How often do you think
I work out?

143
00:05:29,241 --> 00:05:30,591
I don't know, a lot?

144
00:05:30,721 --> 00:05:33,071
The answer is never!
Not a day in my life.

145
00:05:33,202 --> 00:05:35,291
I willed my body
to look like this.

146
00:05:35,422 --> 00:05:36,684
That's how powerful I am.

147
00:05:36,814 --> 00:05:38,033
Never forget that.

148
00:05:38,163 --> 00:05:39,817
Anyway,
this is your class.

149
00:05:39,948 --> 00:05:42,080
Don't let us down.

150
00:05:43,125 --> 00:05:47,477
I can carry those huge bags of
dog food like they're nothing.

151
00:05:48,609 --> 00:05:50,915
Hey, guys, I'm gonna be
teaching your class

152
00:05:51,046 --> 00:05:52,264
for a few days.

153
00:05:52,395 --> 00:05:53,483
Not sure what
I'm supposed to say

154
00:05:53,614 --> 00:05:55,398
or how to make it interesting,

155
00:05:55,529 --> 00:05:58,096
so I'm just gonna pop
in Spy Kids 3D.

156
00:05:58,227 --> 00:06:00,534
For what it's worth,
my favorite character is Juni.

157
00:06:00,664 --> 00:06:02,797
Just to be clear,
how do you spell Juni?

158
00:06:03,798 --> 00:06:06,322
A great and
controversial question.

159
00:06:06,453 --> 00:06:08,324
It appears one way
in the credits

160
00:06:08,455 --> 00:06:09,717
and another on the Wiki page,

161
00:06:09,847 --> 00:06:11,371
of which I am
the sole contributor.

162
00:06:11,501 --> 00:06:14,678
Wait, what are you doing?
-Taking notes.

163
00:06:14,809 --> 00:06:16,463
-Are you making fun of me?
-No.

164
00:06:16,593 --> 00:06:18,813
I'm just assuming anything
you say could be on the test,

165
00:06:18,943 --> 00:06:20,510
and we need to know.

166
00:06:20,641 --> 00:06:22,599
Um, yes.

167
00:06:22,730 --> 00:06:25,559
Everything I say
is super important.

168
00:06:25,689 --> 00:06:28,257
Back to Spy Kids 3D.
How about the casting?

169
00:06:28,388 --> 00:06:32,566
Carla Gugino, Cheech Marin,
and peep this, Monkaphiliacs,

170
00:06:32,696 --> 00:06:35,351
it's your boy,
Tony Tony Tony Shalhoub!

171
00:06:35,482 --> 00:06:36,396
Can you repeat the list?

172
00:06:36,526 --> 00:06:38,528
I want to make sure
I didn't miss any.

173
00:06:38,659 --> 00:06:40,574
They're hanging
on my every word.

174
00:06:40,704 --> 00:06:42,532
I feel so alive.

175
00:06:42,663 --> 00:06:46,580
[LMFAO's Sexy and I Know It
plays]

176
00:06:46,710 --> 00:06:51,149
♪♪

177
00:06:51,280 --> 00:06:53,935
[cellphone buzzes, music stops]

178
00:06:54,065 --> 00:06:56,067
"I'll be back
to teach tomorrow.

179
00:06:56,198 --> 00:06:59,549
I got kicked out for not
jerking it in the steam room."

180
00:06:59,680 --> 00:07:01,508
Damn it.
I can't lose my class.

181
00:07:03,553 --> 00:07:07,514
[music resumes]

182
00:07:07,644 --> 00:07:09,211
[cheers and applause]

183
00:07:09,341 --> 00:07:11,996
[rapping]
♪ And when it come to girls,
I got the magic potion ♪

184
00:07:12,127 --> 00:07:16,566
♪ If money was salt,
I'd be the Indian Ocean ♪

185
00:07:16,697 --> 00:07:18,525
[cheers and applause]

186
00:07:18,655 --> 00:07:21,353
[cheers and applause
dies down]

187
00:07:23,443 --> 00:07:25,401
Come on, fish.
It's time to get 'em hyped.

188
00:07:25,532 --> 00:07:27,447
But I don't know
what I'm doing.

189
00:07:27,577 --> 00:07:29,361
I'm just a guy who likes
to eat at 7-11

190
00:07:29,492 --> 00:07:31,799
and read the pornography
there until I'm asked to stop.

191
00:07:31,929 --> 00:07:35,193
You got this. Just follow
your instincts. Trust me.

192
00:07:39,023 --> 00:07:41,635
[clears throat]

193
00:07:41,765 --> 00:07:42,766
Make some noise

194
00:07:42,897 --> 00:07:45,508
if you high as [bleep]
right now!

195
00:07:45,639 --> 00:07:49,686
[cheers and applause]

196
00:07:51,558 --> 00:07:52,689
Don't worry, gang.

197
00:07:52,820 --> 00:07:55,649
I've been kicked out of better
sex resorts than this one.

198
00:07:55,779 --> 00:07:58,652
Well, if not better,
at least worse.

199
00:07:58,782 --> 00:08:01,350
[air horn blows]

200
00:08:01,481 --> 00:08:05,006
[effeminate Southern accent]
Hi, gentlemen. All aboard.

201
00:08:05,136 --> 00:08:08,444
That's right -- your ferryman
has an unexpected

202
00:08:08,575 --> 00:08:10,707
effeminate Southern accent.

203
00:08:10,838 --> 00:08:12,230
Now, don't be shy, y'all.

204
00:08:12,361 --> 00:08:15,495
Last one up the gangplank's
a rotten egg.

205
00:08:19,063 --> 00:08:21,718
That was the only ferry
off the island.

206
00:08:21,849 --> 00:08:23,720
We're trapped!

207
00:08:23,851 --> 00:08:26,027
We're trapped.

208
00:08:26,157 --> 00:08:28,551
[moaning]

209
00:08:33,861 --> 00:08:35,950
Good news, class --
from here on out,

210
00:08:36,080 --> 00:08:39,301
I'll be your teacher
[sinister voice] indefinitely.

211
00:08:39,431 --> 00:08:40,824
Will you be holding
office hours?

212
00:08:40,955 --> 00:08:42,260
Definitely.

213
00:08:42,391 --> 00:08:43,784
[normal voice] Sorry.
Got stuck in third gear there.

214
00:08:43,914 --> 00:08:47,265
Office hours are from
[sinister voice] 5:00 to 7:00.

215
00:08:47,396 --> 00:08:49,050
[normal voice] Damn.
Can't quite seem to shake it.

216
00:08:49,180 --> 00:08:51,487
[cat purring]Where the hell did I get this?

217
00:08:51,618 --> 00:08:53,707
Okay, everyone,
[sinister voice] take 5.

218
00:08:53,837 --> 00:08:54,751
[normal voice] Okay, for real,

219
00:08:54,882 --> 00:08:55,970
[sinister voice]
what's happening to me?

220
00:08:56,100 --> 00:08:57,885
[normal] I am legitimately
[sinister] terrified.

221
00:08:58,015 --> 00:09:01,062
[normal] I think this might be
a [sinister] gluten thing.

222
00:09:03,760 --> 00:09:05,414
♪♪

223
00:09:05,545 --> 00:09:08,809
What is the perfect temperature
to set your home thermostat to?

224
00:09:08,939 --> 00:09:10,462
ALL: 74 degrees!

225
00:09:10,593 --> 00:09:12,987
Texas, what was the best thing
that happened to me last week?

226
00:09:13,117 --> 00:09:15,076
Sir, you watched
Addams Family Values

227
00:09:15,206 --> 00:09:17,818
from start to finish
at Best Buy, sir!

228
00:09:17,948 --> 00:09:19,297
ROGER: Stop right there.

229
00:09:19,428 --> 00:09:20,821
What kind of
mashugana curriculum

230
00:09:20,951 --> 00:09:23,040
is being taught here?
Opa!

231
00:09:23,171 --> 00:09:25,782
And who --
God damn it -- who are you?

232
00:09:25,913 --> 00:09:29,525
Mrs. Weinsteinopolis.
Half-Greek, half-Jewish,

233
00:09:29,656 --> 00:09:32,441
all overprotective mother
to my son, Demetri, here.

234
00:09:32,572 --> 00:09:34,791
Mom, we talked
about boundaries.

235
00:09:34,922 --> 00:09:37,315
And I told you
my heart knows none.

236
00:09:37,446 --> 00:09:39,100
Okay, everyone is dismissed

237
00:09:39,230 --> 00:09:42,799
except for
Mrs. Weinsteinopolis.

238
00:09:44,018 --> 00:09:45,019
What the hell
are you doing?

239
00:09:45,149 --> 00:09:47,151
I'm doing the only thing
I know how to do,

240
00:09:47,282 --> 00:09:49,501
and that's love the boy
I've brainwashed

241
00:09:49,632 --> 00:09:52,330
into believing he's my son
with all my heart,

242
00:09:52,461 --> 00:09:55,246
so you better start teaching
what's-his-face for real.

243
00:09:56,813 --> 00:09:58,249
Spanako-pita?

244
00:09:58,380 --> 00:10:00,469
I keep them loose
in my purse.

245
00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:03,820
I...don't know a lot
about Greek culture.

246
00:10:03,951 --> 00:10:06,170
[cheers and applause]

247
00:10:06,301 --> 00:10:07,519
Thank you, Toronto!

248
00:10:07,650 --> 00:10:08,738
You been fly as hell!

249
00:10:08,869 --> 00:10:10,697
If you fixin' to
get hard tonight,

250
00:10:10,827 --> 00:10:13,264
let me hear you say
"Yah-aaah"!

251
00:10:13,395 --> 00:10:14,918
CROWD: Yah-aaah!

252
00:10:15,049 --> 00:10:16,137
[cheers and applause]

253
00:10:16,267 --> 00:10:18,922
Klaus, I'm from
Minimum Security Records.

254
00:10:19,053 --> 00:10:22,404
I got to say, you have
a real stage presence.

255
00:10:22,534 --> 00:10:23,840
Yeah, no shit.

256
00:10:23,971 --> 00:10:25,929
Ever thought about going solo
and rapping yourself,

257
00:10:26,060 --> 00:10:28,105
you know, being theguy?

258
00:10:28,236 --> 00:10:31,065
Nice try, clown, but
I'll stop you right there.

259
00:10:31,195 --> 00:10:32,283
I know the stories.

260
00:10:32,414 --> 00:10:34,111
A lot of great hype men
lost it all

261
00:10:34,242 --> 00:10:35,635
because they got greedy.

262
00:10:35,765 --> 00:10:36,766
Well, not me.

263
00:10:36,897 --> 00:10:38,550
I got a good thing
going with Juicy Lou,

264
00:10:38,681 --> 00:10:40,378
so keep walking,
dickhead.

265
00:10:40,509 --> 00:10:41,553
Had to ask.

266
00:10:41,684 --> 00:10:44,600
Some guys want to be the man
with the money,

267
00:10:44,731 --> 00:10:46,428
the cars,
all them thick

268
00:10:46,558 --> 00:10:47,690
Puerto Rican girls.

269
00:10:47,821 --> 00:10:49,910
Wait, how thick?

270
00:10:50,040 --> 00:10:52,521
Screw Juicy Lou trying
to hold me back.

271
00:10:52,652 --> 00:10:55,002
Lou is washed up.
It's your time, papi.

272
00:10:55,132 --> 00:10:57,700
Thanks, baby.
How you liking them plantains?

273
00:10:57,831 --> 00:11:01,138
They sweet enough?
-Eh, they okay.

274
00:11:01,269 --> 00:11:03,880
Get the [bleep]
out of here!

275
00:11:04,011 --> 00:11:05,534
All right.
I'm feeling it.

276
00:11:05,665 --> 00:11:07,841
Doobie, lay this down for me.

277
00:11:07,971 --> 00:11:10,887
This track goes out to all
my dawgs holding it down

278
00:11:11,018 --> 00:11:13,150
in East Chimdale, yeah, yeah.

279
00:11:13,281 --> 00:11:16,110
Especially Skeet and Big Calvin
at Route 9 Pep Boys

280
00:11:16,240 --> 00:11:19,940
and Skeet's wife, Janice,
also repping Pep Boys.

281
00:11:20,070 --> 00:11:21,768
2018, y'all.

282
00:11:21,898 --> 00:11:24,161
Ho ho! That's what
I'm talking about!That was so good.

283
00:11:24,292 --> 00:11:25,772
Makes me want to dance.Whoo!

284
00:11:25,902 --> 00:11:27,774
STEVE: Whoa,
this is awesome.

285
00:11:27,904 --> 00:11:29,384
Thanks, Steve.
See you later.

286
00:11:29,514 --> 00:11:30,690
What?

287
00:11:30,820 --> 00:11:32,735
He called me.

288
00:11:32,866 --> 00:11:34,824
He asked me to come down here.

289
00:11:34,955 --> 00:11:36,696
I -- Why?

290
00:11:38,349 --> 00:11:41,570
Is this where we're gonna
do our training jump?

291
00:11:41,701 --> 00:11:43,833
No, this is
theparking lot

292
00:11:43,964 --> 00:11:45,835
from my famous
parking-spot story.

293
00:11:45,966 --> 00:11:47,010
I thought seeing it
from above

294
00:11:47,141 --> 00:11:49,926
could help you cadets see
how insane the whole thing was

295
00:11:50,057 --> 00:11:51,928
and how stupid
my family is.

296
00:11:52,059 --> 00:11:54,496
Is there a way to turn down
the noise on this thing?

297
00:11:54,626 --> 00:11:57,717
The noise is what's
keeping us in the air.

298
00:12:05,507 --> 00:12:07,161
-Dean.
-Professor Smith,

299
00:12:07,291 --> 00:12:08,815
Ms. Weinsteinopolis
is concerned

300
00:12:08,945 --> 00:12:10,512
you aren't teaching
her son anything.

301
00:12:10,642 --> 00:12:12,775
Thank you, sexy dean.
He's a fraud.

302
00:12:12,906 --> 00:12:14,211
I was helping little Demetri

303
00:12:14,342 --> 00:12:16,736
with his C.I.A. flashcards
last night.

304
00:12:16,866 --> 00:12:19,303
What is Professor Smith's
favorite animal?

305
00:12:19,434 --> 00:12:21,479
Spider monkeys rule
forever times infinity.

306
00:12:21,610 --> 00:12:24,004
Oy vey,
or as us Greek people say,

307
00:12:24,134 --> 00:12:26,658
I smell some funky hummus.

308
00:12:26,789 --> 00:12:28,965
What the hell, Smith?
Midterms are in 2 days.

309
00:12:29,096 --> 00:12:30,532
If your students
don't pass,

310
00:12:30,662 --> 00:12:33,535
I will personally use
my 73-year-old pythons

311
00:12:33,665 --> 00:12:35,755
to throw you from
the academy roof!

312
00:12:35,885 --> 00:12:37,974
Can you agree to those terms,
Ms. Weinsteinopolis?

313
00:12:38,105 --> 00:12:40,281
I can. Demetri,
get out of that thing.

314
00:12:40,411 --> 00:12:42,762
You too good for mama's
helicopter rides now?

315
00:12:42,892 --> 00:12:43,980
Mom,
not in front of the...

316
00:12:44,111 --> 00:12:46,853
Get over here!
Get!

317
00:12:46,983 --> 00:12:48,898
Who's my little pilot?

318
00:12:49,029 --> 00:12:49,986
[groans]

319
00:12:50,117 --> 00:12:52,467
[imitating helicopter]

320
00:12:52,597 --> 00:12:54,512
[groaning]

321
00:12:54,643 --> 00:12:56,558
[sighs]

322
00:12:56,688 --> 00:12:59,996
Tomorrow is the marksman
section of the midterm.

323
00:13:00,127 --> 00:13:02,738
If only there was some way
to manipulate their bullets

324
00:13:02,869 --> 00:13:04,044
to hit the targets.

325
00:13:04,174 --> 00:13:07,874
Perhaps using the attracting
properties of metals.

326
00:13:08,004 --> 00:13:09,092
That's it!

327
00:13:09,223 --> 00:13:11,138
WKRBAL!

328
00:13:11,268 --> 00:13:14,010
Damn it, that's not a thing.

329
00:13:14,141 --> 00:13:14,881
That's it!

330
00:13:15,011 --> 00:13:16,970
[gunshots]

331
00:13:17,100 --> 00:13:19,233
♪♪

332
00:13:20,364 --> 00:13:24,368
There's got to be a way to rig
the written test.

333
00:13:24,499 --> 00:13:26,066
That's it!
Magnets!

334
00:13:26,196 --> 00:13:29,896
♪♪

335
00:13:30,026 --> 00:13:33,160
♪♪

336
00:13:33,290 --> 00:13:36,467
Last section tomorrow --
the obstacle course.

337
00:13:36,598 --> 00:13:37,991
How do I get them through --

338
00:13:38,121 --> 00:13:39,601
[Bleep] it.
Let's stick with magnets.

339
00:13:39,731 --> 00:13:45,563
♪♪

340
00:13:45,694 --> 00:13:51,569
♪♪

341
00:13:51,700 --> 00:13:57,401
♪♪

342
00:13:57,532 --> 00:14:03,320
♪♪

343
00:14:03,451 --> 00:14:09,196
♪♪

344
00:14:09,326 --> 00:14:10,980
Why is everyone so late?

345
00:14:11,111 --> 00:14:12,982
Sir, have you seen
my cadets?

346
00:14:13,113 --> 00:14:16,290
Oh, you won't be
teaching them anymore.

347
00:14:16,420 --> 00:14:17,857
You see, we got
their scores back.

348
00:14:17,987 --> 00:14:18,945
They weren't good?

349
00:14:19,075 --> 00:14:22,383
No, they were incredible!

350
00:14:22,513 --> 00:14:24,341
We've never seen scores
so high!

351
00:14:24,472 --> 00:14:26,953
So I fast-tracked them to be
our new Wetworks Division.

352
00:14:27,083 --> 00:14:28,824
-You what?
-Sent them to Nicaragua

353
00:14:28,955 --> 00:14:30,391
to stomp out
a guerrilla uprising,

354
00:14:30,521 --> 00:14:31,871
a suicide mission for most,

355
00:14:32,001 --> 00:14:33,785
but not
your flawless upstarts.

356
00:14:33,916 --> 00:14:34,961
That's guerrilla
with a "U."

357
00:14:35,091 --> 00:14:37,006
There are no gorillas
in Nicaragua.

358
00:14:37,137 --> 00:14:38,399
The guerrillas
wiped them all out.

359
00:14:38,529 --> 00:14:41,054
It's really a very confusing
situation down there.

360
00:14:41,184 --> 00:14:41,924
[gulps]

361
00:14:42,055 --> 00:14:44,840
♪♪

362
00:14:44,971 --> 00:14:47,887
[all whimpering]

363
00:14:49,366 --> 00:14:51,020
Come on!
We got this!

364
00:14:51,151 --> 00:14:54,545
I jumped something 10 times this
wide on the obstacle course!

365
00:14:57,679 --> 00:14:59,115
[thud]

366
00:15:02,118 --> 00:15:03,859
♪♪

367
00:15:03,990 --> 00:15:05,469
This was their
last-known location.

368
00:15:05,600 --> 00:15:06,644
They couldn't
have gotten far.

369
00:15:06,775 --> 00:15:07,994
That's what I thought
the first time

370
00:15:08,124 --> 00:15:09,647
Demetri ran away
from home.

371
00:15:09,778 --> 00:15:12,389
Found him in a Burger King
restroom three towns over.

372
00:15:12,520 --> 00:15:14,696
Thank God it was
a glory-hole hot spot.

373
00:15:14,826 --> 00:15:17,220
Reached out to my vast
network of glory boys.

374
00:15:17,351 --> 00:15:19,092
Within hours,
I was relaxed enough

375
00:15:19,222 --> 00:15:20,615
to look
for Demetri on my own.

376
00:15:20,745 --> 00:15:22,051
I'm sure
the cadets are fine.

377
00:15:22,182 --> 00:15:24,488
They probably learned
something from all my stories.

378
00:15:24,619 --> 00:15:26,969
Hey, look,
I think I see someone.

379
00:15:27,100 --> 00:15:31,626
Tim, sweet Tim, my third
favorite ginger-haired student!

380
00:15:31,756 --> 00:15:35,064
[gasps]
Oh, gross, I can't look.

381
00:15:35,195 --> 00:15:37,849
His hair is so red.
I'm gonna...

382
00:15:37,980 --> 00:15:40,504
And his freckles
are so clustered.

383
00:15:40,635 --> 00:15:42,506
[retching]

384
00:15:42,637 --> 00:15:44,378
Quiet. Look.

385
00:15:46,249 --> 00:15:47,816
At least
we know where they are.

386
00:15:47,947 --> 00:15:50,471
Thank you for
your sacrifice, Tim.

387
00:15:50,601 --> 00:15:53,126
[smooches]

388
00:15:53,256 --> 00:15:54,214
Peekaboo!

389
00:15:55,955 --> 00:15:56,956
[cheers and applause]

390
00:15:57,086 --> 00:15:59,088
Thanks for coming out
to my music-video premiere.

391
00:15:59,219 --> 00:16:02,048
Lots of big names here.

392
00:16:02,178 --> 00:16:04,702
Uh...Bill Maher.

393
00:16:06,530 --> 00:16:08,924
Anyway, please enjoy.

394
00:16:11,187 --> 00:16:14,103
[air horn blows]

395
00:16:14,234 --> 00:16:15,887
♪♪

396
00:16:16,018 --> 00:16:18,499
[rapping]
♪ I had to do it, y'all,
'cause you guys didn't know♪

397
00:16:18,629 --> 00:16:19,979
♪ Didn't believe me♪

398
00:16:20,109 --> 00:16:22,720
♪ Steve Smith's
a straight-up bitch♪

399
00:16:22,851 --> 00:16:24,505
♪ Yo, mm♪

400
00:16:24,635 --> 00:16:26,159
♪ I make tons of money♪

401
00:16:26,289 --> 00:16:27,725
♪ I have tons of boys♪

402
00:16:27,856 --> 00:16:30,554
♪ When I go to the movies,
I make tons of noise♪

403
00:16:30,685 --> 00:16:32,208
♪ I don't care about nothing♪

404
00:16:32,339 --> 00:16:33,296
♪ I don't clean my house♪

405
00:16:33,427 --> 00:16:34,950
♪ I'll kill everybody♪

406
00:16:35,081 --> 00:16:36,082
♪ I'm a fish named Klaus♪

407
00:16:36,212 --> 00:16:39,172
♪ Gold fish, they come
from China♪

408
00:16:39,302 --> 00:16:41,957
♪ But you are what you eat,
so I'm a vagina♪

409
00:16:42,088 --> 00:16:43,306
♪ That means I eat [cat meows]♪

410
00:16:43,437 --> 00:16:45,091
♪ But I also eat food♪

411
00:16:45,221 --> 00:16:47,745
♪ And 7-11's
is especially good♪

412
00:16:47,876 --> 00:16:49,138
♪ These are my favorites♪

413
00:16:49,269 --> 00:16:50,705
♪ Chicken salad♪

414
00:16:50,835 --> 00:16:52,489
♪ The turkey at the counter♪

415
00:16:52,620 --> 00:16:54,143
♪ A Cubano melt♪

416
00:16:54,274 --> 00:16:56,537
♪ All the different
types of hot dogs, sushi♪

417
00:16:56,667 --> 00:17:00,280
♪ And I got to have a Nutra-
Grain bar and Mountain Dew♪

418
00:17:00,410 --> 00:17:01,672
♪ And a Mountain Dew♪

419
00:17:01,803 --> 00:17:04,371
♪ Nutra-Grain bar
and a Mountain Dew♪

420
00:17:04,501 --> 00:17:08,723
♪ Nutra-Grain bar
and a Mountain Dew♪

421
00:17:08,853 --> 00:17:10,116
♪ Every day♪

422
00:17:10,246 --> 00:17:13,162
♪ Nutra-Grain bar
and a Mountain Dew♪

423
00:17:13,293 --> 00:17:14,250
♪ All the time♪

424
00:17:14,381 --> 00:17:15,382
♪ Nutra-Grain bar
and a Mountain Dew♪

425
00:17:15,512 --> 00:17:16,948
♪ 24/7, yo♪

426
00:17:17,079 --> 00:17:19,212
♪ Nutra-Grain bar
and a Mountain Dew♪

427
00:17:19,342 --> 00:17:22,824
♪ Munching on a Nutra-Grain bar
and Mountain Dew♪

428
00:17:25,131 --> 00:17:29,744
Oh, yeah, that was...

429
00:17:29,874 --> 00:17:30,788
shit.

430
00:17:30,919 --> 00:17:32,703
Sorry everyone
hated your song.

431
00:17:32,834 --> 00:17:34,096
I tried to stay
for the video,

432
00:17:34,227 --> 00:17:35,315
but the crowd left so fast,

433
00:17:35,445 --> 00:17:37,186
I got swept out
in the current.

434
00:17:37,317 --> 00:17:38,361
They took the door
off the frame.

435
00:17:38,492 --> 00:17:40,711
It's halfway into
the parking lot.

436
00:17:40,842 --> 00:17:43,540
[electricity crackling]

437
00:17:43,671 --> 00:17:45,325
Stop holding out on us,
cabron.

438
00:17:45,455 --> 00:17:46,630
Tell us
everything you know!

439
00:17:46,761 --> 00:17:50,591
Okay, 2 years ago,
Professor Smith went

440
00:17:50,721 --> 00:17:53,028
to a Panera Bread
to use the WiFi

441
00:17:53,159 --> 00:17:55,509
and thought he saw Ray Romano!

442
00:17:55,639 --> 00:17:57,511
We want C.I.A. secrets,

443
00:17:57,641 --> 00:18:00,340
not boring stories about
this Professor Smith!

444
00:18:00,470 --> 00:18:02,385
But that's all I know!

445
00:18:02,516 --> 00:18:05,127
So we're gonna need
something more severe

446
00:18:05,258 --> 00:18:07,782
if we want to get
you to talk, eh?

447
00:18:10,741 --> 00:18:11,786
[all gasp]

448
00:18:11,916 --> 00:18:13,222
-Professor Smith!
-Demetri's mom!

449
00:18:13,353 --> 00:18:14,354
My baby!

450
00:18:14,484 --> 00:18:16,225
Look at these
miserable conditions!

451
00:18:16,356 --> 00:18:18,793
Look at your weird body.
Are you all right?

452
00:18:18,923 --> 00:18:20,142
Okay, I did some recon.

453
00:18:20,273 --> 00:18:22,144
This tunnel leads
to a locked grate,

454
00:18:22,275 --> 00:18:23,885
which leads
to our freedom.

455
00:18:24,015 --> 00:18:25,800
Tanner, I need you
to swim down there

456
00:18:25,930 --> 00:18:26,975
and plant this explosive.

457
00:18:27,106 --> 00:18:28,846
Sorry, but why
are you asking him?

458
00:18:28,977 --> 00:18:30,892
Marco was
an Olympic-level swimmer.

459
00:18:31,022 --> 00:18:32,633
He can hold his breath
for 13 minutes.

460
00:18:32,763 --> 00:18:35,331
Are you really an
Olympic-level swimmer, Marco?

461
00:18:36,637 --> 00:18:38,073
Why am I just
learning this now?

462
00:18:38,204 --> 00:18:40,641
Because you never gave us
a chance to talk!

463
00:18:40,771 --> 00:18:42,077
We couldn't ever
get a word in

464
00:18:42,208 --> 00:18:44,210
with all your babbling
about yourself.

465
00:18:44,340 --> 00:18:45,646
You're right.

466
00:18:45,776 --> 00:18:47,648
I was so obsessed with
finally being heard

467
00:18:47,778 --> 00:18:49,693
that I never stopped
to listen.

468
00:18:49,824 --> 00:18:52,218
What matters is
you're here for us now.

469
00:18:52,348 --> 00:18:53,567
So let's get out of...You see,

470
00:18:53,697 --> 00:18:55,612
I've always had
a hard time being heard,

471
00:18:55,743 --> 00:18:57,310
dating back to
Mrs. Albrecht's class

472
00:18:57,440 --> 00:18:58,180
in the sixth grade.

473
00:18:58,311 --> 00:19:00,878
I always got put into groups
with Gil Sanchez

474
00:19:01,009 --> 00:19:02,228
and Jason Sherman,

475
00:19:02,358 --> 00:19:05,144
and these two were
very loud boys.

476
00:19:07,363 --> 00:19:09,191
[groans]

477
00:19:09,322 --> 00:19:10,627
I'm losing patience!

478
00:19:10,758 --> 00:19:14,588
Start talking, or you'll
start losing students.

479
00:19:14,718 --> 00:19:16,024
Talking too much
is what got me

480
00:19:16,155 --> 00:19:17,591
into this mess
in the first place.

481
00:19:17,721 --> 00:19:21,072
No, you can't!
He's only 22!

482
00:19:21,203 --> 00:19:22,509
His name is Demetri!

483
00:19:22,639 --> 00:19:24,511
He -- That's all
I know about him.

484
00:19:24,641 --> 00:19:25,642
I'm a bad mother.

485
00:19:25,773 --> 00:19:28,079
[crying] No, mom,
you're a great mother!

486
00:19:28,210 --> 00:19:29,690
-I know!
-Enough!

487
00:19:29,820 --> 00:19:32,345
He dies.

488
00:19:32,475 --> 00:19:35,391
[slow motion]
No!

489
00:19:35,522 --> 00:19:40,396
[moaning in pain]

490
00:19:40,527 --> 00:19:41,876
Don't worry, Stan.

491
00:19:42,006 --> 00:19:44,139
I'll keep your tongue safe.

492
00:19:47,055 --> 00:19:48,056
Got it, Stan.

493
00:19:48,187 --> 00:19:49,318
Come get it any time,

494
00:19:49,449 --> 00:19:50,667
but you'll have to
buy me dinner first.

495
00:19:50,798 --> 00:19:52,974
[laughs]
Oh, don't make me laugh.

496
00:19:53,104 --> 00:19:54,367
[mumbles]

497
00:19:54,497 --> 00:19:57,544
Professor Smith,
you sacrificed your ability

498
00:19:57,674 --> 00:19:59,850
to talk to save my life.

499
00:19:59,981 --> 00:20:01,069
I sure did.

500
00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:02,418
Doesn't matter.

501
00:20:02,549 --> 00:20:03,506
[door slams open]

502
00:20:03,637 --> 00:20:05,247
Smith, what are you doing here?

503
00:20:05,378 --> 00:20:10,209
We thought we heard erotic
moaning, but this isn't an orgy.

504
00:20:10,339 --> 00:20:12,211
Is it?
-Kill them!

505
00:20:12,341 --> 00:20:15,257
-Lube to the face!
-Aah!

506
00:20:15,388 --> 00:20:20,436
♪♪

507
00:20:20,567 --> 00:20:25,441
♪♪

508
00:20:25,572 --> 00:20:26,573
Thank you, sir.

509
00:20:26,703 --> 00:20:28,444
I should be
thanking you, Smith.

510
00:20:28,575 --> 00:20:31,317
To tell you the truth,
I needed a break.

511
00:20:31,447 --> 00:20:33,580
I'm shooting dust
right now.

512
00:20:33,710 --> 00:20:35,930
♪♪

513
00:20:36,104 --> 00:20:39,238
But then, the Secret Service
said that they had overreacted,

514
00:20:39,368 --> 00:20:41,109
and it was all
a misunderstanding.

515
00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:43,677
What a silly afternoon
you had, Hayley.

516
00:20:43,807 --> 00:20:44,982
Nice story, Hayley.

517
00:20:45,113 --> 00:20:46,984
We all appreciate you
listening more, Dad,

518
00:20:47,115 --> 00:20:49,291
but when are you gonna
get your tongue reattached?

519
00:20:49,422 --> 00:20:50,684
Roger won't give it back.

520
00:20:50,814 --> 00:20:52,816
That's 'cause I'm still
waiting for that dinner.

521
00:20:52,947 --> 00:20:56,559
-Roger.
-All right. Fine.

522
00:20:56,690 --> 00:20:59,127
[big-band music playing]

523
00:20:59,258 --> 00:21:02,217
This is gonna take
a minute, Stan.

524
00:21:02,348 --> 00:21:04,219
Bye!
Have a beautiful time!

525
00:21:04,350 --> 00:21:07,483
--Captions by VITAC--