So there I am, Staples parking lot is full.
I'm talking zero open spots.
Game over, right? No graph paper for Stan?
Well, I see a woman by a minivan.
Is she loading her kid in or taking him out?
20 minutes later, the person next to her pulls out,
and that's how I came to find my parking spot at Staples.
Is it over? I-Is the story actually over?
Yes.
Okay, then I have a sick story.
You know that machine gun I found on the roof?
But with an interesting addendum.
When I came out of Staples, the minivan was gone.
Honey, when you say your story's over,
it's not fair to keep going.
What's going on?
I take 20 minutes of my time,
give you a solid-gold parking-lot story,
and your jaws aren't on the floor?
Your stories are boring, Dad.
You're boring.
Ouch. I get it.
You didn't like hearing that story,
but you're gonna love seeing it in pictures.
I actually took a photo of that parking spot.
You guys are gonna go bonkers over this.
I can't build this up enough.
You're in luck.
I must have accidentally hit the burst mode
and taken thousands of photos.
You guys hate my stories this much?
[floor creaking]
[gasps]
Shh.
But I-I was just getting to the Shyamalanian twist.
Turns out it was a CVS parking lot...
[knocking]
...and I wasn't allowed to park there.
[pounding on wall]
Where did it go? I can't see it.
I can't see it!
There it is.
[screaming]
[screaming continues]
[electricity crackles][groaning]
Don't you see how hurtful this is to me, Steve?
♪♪
♪ Good morning, U.S.A.♪
♪ I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day♪
♪ The sun in the sky has a smile on his face♪
♪ And he's shinin' a salute to the American race♪
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say♪
♪ Good --♪♪ Good morning, U.S.A.♪
Aah!
♪ Good morning, U.S.A.♪
♪♪
Can you believe that?
My family would rather hide under the house
and get tased over and over than listen to my stories.
That's ridiculous.
I tell great stories, right?
Oh, yeah, top notch.
[gunshot]
Dick, did you just deafen yourself
to avoid listening to my story?
Uh...I had Thai yesterday.
How about Mexican?
Hey, Stan. Bullock needs to see you.
And I need to see you.
What did I tell you about shooting my trash cans?
Sorry, janitor.
Smith.
I'm just getting ready for my vacation off the coast
on Central America to Hedonism lll.
Sweet, flying solo to an island full of swingers.
Hell yeah!
The grippin' and the slurpin'.
Yeah, yeah, get it!
Get it!
Uh!
Now, I'll need you to do me a favor while I'm gone.
I need you to teach my class at the C.I.A. Academy.
Although, it won't be easy.
My students are quite fond of me.
They call me Professor X.
Because you look exactly like...
Because I'm always trying to sell them Ecstasy.
[doorbell chimes]
Thanks for saving me an extra-dry hot dog, Chet.
-Get ready. -Aw, here we come.
-Prepare yourself for greatness. -Yo, yo, yo.
What's that?
Your style's weak. Your rhymes are whack.
Only good thing about you is your sister's rack.
Oh, got him!
Oh, yeah, he did.
-Oh, he brought it. -Yeah.
You hooked up with my sister, and I ain't even pissed
'cause that's my sloppy seconds, bro.
I taught her how to kiss.
Damn! Bringing the pain!
-Oh! -That's hot!
Burned him!
This guy kissed his sister and thinks he's all manly.
Well, guess what?
I've banged everybody in my family.
This dragon is spitting fire!
-Murdered him! -Bring it, dawg. Bring it.
[all gasp]
-It's Juicy Lou. -The King of Rap!
Sweet! I found a triple-A battery in my hot dog.
I watched that whole battle, and one of you really impressed me.
Not you two. You're terrible.
I'm talking about the fish.
But I didn't hip-hop.
In fact, I was just about to file
a racially charged noise complaint.
Oh, you're no rapper, but you've got what it takes
to be a great hype man.
A what?
Every emcee has a hype man -- someone to cheer them on,
pump up the crowd, and guess what?
I got a concert at the Shark's Nest tonight.
Are you...asking for a ride?
Hell, no! I got tons of cars.
I'm giving you the opportunity of a lifetime --
the chance to be my hype man.
-I'll do it! -Great.
Now that that's settled, I actually do need a ride.
I got mad cars, but I also got mad DUIs.
All we ask is you do your best
to inspire our future agents.
I don't know if this is a good fit for me.
People don't really like to listen to me talk.
Tell me, Agent Smith, how old are you?
65? 70? -I'm 40.
My point is I'm 73,
and I'm the most jacked man at the academy.
Go ahead, try to fit your hand around my arm.
Come on, try. Boom!
How often do you think I work out?
I don't know, a lot?
The answer is never! Not a day in my life.
I willed my body to look like this.
That's how powerful I am.
Never forget that.
Anyway, this is your class.
Don't let us down.
I can carry those huge bags of dog food like they're nothing.
Hey, guys, I'm gonna be teaching your class
for a few days.
Not sure what I'm supposed to say
or how to make it interesting,
so I'm just gonna pop in Spy Kids 3D.
For what it's worth, my favorite character is Juni.
Just to be clear, how do you spell Juni?
A great and controversial question.
It appears one way in the credits
and another on the Wiki page,
of which I am the sole contributor.
Wait, what are you doing? -Taking notes.
-Are you making fun of me? -No.
I'm just assuming anything you say could be on the test,
and we need to know.
Um, yes.
Everything I say is super important.
Back to Spy Kids 3D. How about the casting?
Carla Gugino, Cheech Marin, and peep this, Monkaphiliacs,
it's your boy, Tony Tony Tony Shalhoub!
Can you repeat the list?
I want to make sure I didn't miss any.
They're hanging on my every word.
I feel so alive.
[LMFAO's Sexy and I Know It plays]
♪♪
[cellphone buzzes, music stops]
"I'll be back to teach tomorrow.
I got kicked out for not jerking it in the steam room."
Damn it. I can't lose my class.
[music resumes]
[cheers and applause]
[rapping] ♪ And when it come to girls, I got the magic potion ♪
♪ If money was salt, I'd be the Indian Ocean ♪
[cheers and applause]
[cheers and applause dies down]
Come on, fish. It's time to get 'em hyped.
But I don't know what I'm doing.
I'm just a guy who likes to eat at 7-11
and read the pornography there until I'm asked to stop.
You got this. Just follow your instincts. Trust me.
[clears throat]
Make some noise
if you high as [bleep] right now!
[cheers and applause]
Don't worry, gang.
I've been kicked out of better sex resorts than this one.
Well, if not better, at least worse.
[air horn blows]
[effeminate Southern accent] Hi, gentlemen. All aboard.
That's right -- your ferryman has an unexpected
effeminate Southern accent.
Now, don't be shy, y'all.
Last one up the gangplank's a rotten egg.
That was the only ferry off the island.
We're trapped!
We're trapped.
[moaning]
Good news, class -- from here on out,
I'll be your teacher [sinister voice] indefinitely.
Will you be holding office hours?
Definitely.
[normal voice] Sorry. Got stuck in third gear there.
Office hours are from [sinister voice] 5:00 to 7:00.
[normal voice] Damn. Can't quite seem to shake it.
[cat purring]Where the hell did I get this?
Okay, everyone, [sinister voice] take 5.
[normal voice] Okay, for real,
[sinister voice] what's happening to me?
[normal] I am legitimately [sinister] terrified.
[normal] I think this might be a [sinister] gluten thing.
♪♪
What is the perfect temperature to set your home thermostat to?
ALL: 74 degrees!
Texas, what was the best thing that happened to me last week?
Sir, you watched Addams Family Values
from start to finish at Best Buy, sir!
ROGER: Stop right there.
What kind of mashugana curriculum
is being taught here? Opa!
And who -- God damn it -- who are you?
Mrs. Weinsteinopolis. Half-Greek, half-Jewish,
all overprotective mother to my son, Demetri, here.
Mom, we talked about boundaries.
And I told you my heart knows none.
Okay, everyone is dismissed
except for Mrs. Weinsteinopolis.
What the hell are you doing?
I'm doing the only thing I know how to do,
and that's love the boy I've brainwashed
into believing he's my son with all my heart,
so you better start teaching what's-his-face for real.
Spanako-pita?
I keep them loose in my purse.
I...don't know a lot about Greek culture.
[cheers and applause]
Thank you, Toronto!
You been fly as hell!
If you fixin' to get hard tonight,
let me hear you say "Yah-aaah"!
CROWD: Yah-aaah!
[cheers and applause]
Klaus, I'm from Minimum Security Records.
I got to say, you have a real stage presence.
Yeah, no shit.
Ever thought about going solo and rapping yourself,
you know, being theguy?
Nice try, clown, but I'll stop you right there.
I know the stories.
A lot of great hype men lost it all
because they got greedy.
Well, not me.
I got a good thing going with Juicy Lou,
so keep walking, dickhead.
Had to ask.
Some guys want to be the man with the money,
the cars, all them thick
Puerto Rican girls.
Wait, how thick?
Screw Juicy Lou trying to hold me back.
Lou is washed up. It's your time, papi.
Thanks, baby. How you liking them plantains?
They sweet enough? -Eh, they okay.
Get the [bleep] out of here!
All right. I'm feeling it.
Doobie, lay this down for me.
This track goes out to all my dawgs holding it down
in East Chimdale, yeah, yeah.
Especially Skeet and Big Calvin at Route 9 Pep Boys
and Skeet's wife, Janice, also repping Pep Boys.
2018, y'all.
Ho ho! That's what I'm talking about!That was so good.
Makes me want to dance.Whoo!
STEVE: Whoa, this is awesome.
Thanks, Steve. See you later.
What?
He called me.
He asked me to come down here.
I -- Why?
Is this where we're gonna do our training jump?
No, this is theparking lot
from my famous parking-spot story.
I thought seeing it from above
could help you cadets see how insane the whole thing was
and how stupid my family is.
Is there a way to turn down the noise on this thing?
The noise is what's keeping us in the air.
-Dean. -Professor Smith,
Ms. Weinsteinopolis is concerned
you aren't teaching her son anything.
Thank you, sexy dean. He's a fraud.
I was helping little Demetri
with his C.I.A. flashcards last night.
What is Professor Smith's favorite animal?
Spider monkeys rule forever times infinity.
Oy vey, or as us Greek people say,
I smell some funky hummus.
What the hell, Smith? Midterms are in 2 days.
If your students don't pass,
I will personally use my 73-year-old pythons
to throw you from the academy roof!
Can you agree to those terms, Ms. Weinsteinopolis?
I can. Demetri, get out of that thing.
You too good for mama's helicopter rides now?
Mom, not in front of the...
Get over here! Get!
Who's my little pilot?
[groans]
[imitating helicopter]
[groaning]
[sighs]
Tomorrow is the marksman section of the midterm.
If only there was some way to manipulate their bullets
to hit the targets.
Perhaps using the attracting properties of metals.
That's it!
WKRBAL!
Damn it, that's not a thing.
That's it!
[gunshots]
♪♪
There's got to be a way to rig the written test.
That's it! Magnets!
♪♪
Last section tomorrow -- the obstacle course.
How do I get them through --
[Bleep] it. Let's stick with magnets.
♪♪
Why is everyone so late?
Sir, have you seen my cadets?
Oh, you won't be teaching them anymore.
You see, we got their scores back.
They weren't good?
No, they were incredible!
We've never seen scores so high!
So I fast-tracked them to be our new Wetworks Division.
-You what? -Sent them to Nicaragua
to stomp out a guerrilla uprising,
a suicide mission for most,
but not your flawless upstarts.
That's guerrilla with a "U."
There are no gorillas in Nicaragua.
The guerrillas wiped them all out.
It's really a very confusing situation down there.
[gulps]
♪♪
[all whimpering]
Come on! We got this!
I jumped something 10 times this wide on the obstacle course!
[thud]
♪♪
This was their last-known location.
They couldn't have gotten far.
That's what I thought the first time
Demetri ran away from home.
Found him in a Burger King restroom three towns over.
Thank God it was a glory-hole hot spot.
Reached out to my vast network of glory boys.
Within hours, I was relaxed enough
to look for Demetri on my own.
I'm sure the cadets are fine.
They probably learned something from all my stories.
Hey, look, I think I see someone.
Tim, sweet Tim, my third favorite ginger-haired student!
[gasps] Oh, gross, I can't look.
His hair is so red. I'm gonna...
And his freckles are so clustered.
[retching]
Quiet. Look.
At least we know where they are.
Thank you for your sacrifice, Tim.
[smooches]
Peekaboo!
[cheers and applause]
Thanks for coming out to my music-video premiere.
Lots of big names here.
Uh...Bill Maher.
Anyway, please enjoy.
[air horn blows]
♪♪
[rapping] ♪ I had to do it, y'all, 'cause you guys didn't know♪
♪ Didn't believe me♪
♪ Steve Smith's a straight-up bitch♪
♪ Yo, mm♪
♪ I make tons of money♪
♪ I have tons of boys♪
♪ When I go to the movies, I make tons of noise♪
♪ I don't care about nothing♪
♪ I don't clean my house♪
♪ I'll kill everybody♪
♪ I'm a fish named Klaus♪
♪ Gold fish, they come from China♪
♪ But you are what you eat, so I'm a vagina♪
♪ That means I eat [cat meows]♪
♪ But I also eat food♪
♪ And 7-11's is especially good♪
♪ These are my favorites♪
♪ Chicken salad♪
♪ The turkey at the counter♪
♪ A Cubano melt♪
♪ All the different types of hot dogs, sushi♪
♪ And I got to have a Nutra- Grain bar and Mountain Dew♪
♪ And a Mountain Dew♪
♪ Nutra-Grain bar and a Mountain Dew♪
♪ Every day♪
♪ Nutra-Grain bar and a Mountain Dew♪
♪ All the time♪
♪ Nutra-Grain bar and a Mountain Dew♪
♪ 24/7, yo♪
♪ Nutra-Grain bar and a Mountain Dew♪
♪ Munching on a Nutra-Grain bar and Mountain Dew♪
Oh, yeah, that was...
shit.
Sorry everyone hated your song.
I tried to stay for the video,
but the crowd left so fast,
I got swept out in the current.
They took the door off the frame.
It's halfway into the parking lot.
[electricity crackling]
Stop holding out on us, cabron.
Tell us everything you know!
Okay, 2 years ago, Professor Smith went
to a Panera Bread to use the WiFi
and thought he saw Ray Romano!
We want C.I.A. secrets,
not boring stories about this Professor Smith!
But that's all I know!
So we're gonna need something more severe
if we want to get you to talk, eh?
[all gasp]
-Professor Smith! -Demetri's mom!
My baby!
Look at these miserable conditions!
Look at your weird body. Are you all right?
Okay, I did some recon.
This tunnel leads to a locked grate,
which leads to our freedom.
Tanner, I need you to swim down there
and plant this explosive.
Sorry, but why are you asking him?
Marco was an Olympic-level swimmer.
He can hold his breath for 13 minutes.
Are you really an Olympic-level swimmer, Marco?
Why am I just learning this now?
Because you never gave us a chance to talk!
We couldn't ever get a word in
with all your babbling about yourself.
You're right.
I was so obsessed with finally being heard
that I never stopped to listen.
What matters is you're here for us now.
So let's get out of...You see,
I've always had a hard time being heard,
dating back to Mrs. Albrecht's class
in the sixth grade.
I always got put into groups with Gil Sanchez
and Jason Sherman,
and these two were very loud boys.
[groans]
I'm losing patience!
Start talking, or you'll start losing students.
Talking too much is what got me
into this mess in the first place.
No, you can't! He's only 22!
His name is Demetri!
He -- That's all I know about him.
I'm a bad mother.
[crying] No, mom, you're a great mother!
-I know! -Enough!
He dies.
[slow motion] No!
[moaning in pain]
Don't worry, Stan.
I'll keep your tongue safe.
Got it, Stan.
Come get it any time,
but you'll have to buy me dinner first.
[laughs] Oh, don't make me laugh.
[mumbles]
Professor Smith, you sacrificed your ability
to talk to save my life.
I sure did.
Doesn't matter.
[door slams open]
Smith, what are you doing here?
We thought we heard erotic moaning, but this isn't an orgy.
Is it? -Kill them!
-Lube to the face! -Aah!
♪♪
Thank you, sir.
I should be thanking you, Smith.
To tell you the truth, I needed a break.
I'm shooting dust right now.
♪♪
But then, the Secret Service said that they had overreacted,
and it was all a misunderstanding.
What a silly afternoon you had, Hayley.
Nice story, Hayley.
We all appreciate you listening more, Dad,
but when are you gonna get your tongue reattached?
Roger won't give it back.
That's 'cause I'm still waiting for that dinner.
-Roger. -All right. Fine.
[big-band music playing]
This is gonna take a minute, Stan.
Bye! Have a beautiful time!
--Captions by VITAC--