Betrayed... by my own daughter.
It's a free country.
You know I forbade anyone in this family
from ever eating at O'Shanahan's again,
ever since they cut me off in the middle of
"All You Can Eat Wings" night.
It was for your own safety.
You vomited twice and were having
severe heart palpitations. I didn't feel full!
The point is, you broke a promise to your family.
Family always comes first, Haley.
(sighs) I need something to soothe my jangled nerves.
Steve, how about you put a smile on your old man's face
and do the "Backseat Shuffle"?
(vocalizing) Aw, come on.
Get yourself out of that seat belt
so you can really give those shoulders
room to shimmy. (vocalizing)
There we go.
* Sh-Sh-Shake shake shimmy a-slippin' and slidin' *
* Oh, I just gotta get my groove on * That's it now.
* When I'm in the backseat ridin' *
* I shimmy to the left All right!
* I shimmy to the right! "Backseat Shuffle"!
* I'm rockin' the upholstery almost every single -- *
(gasps) (tires screech)
(car door shuts)
How?!
How could we have let this happen?!
What's the big deal? It's just some dumb old mural.
Wha... Whoa.
I-I feel a little -- I feel a little woozy.
This mural has been a Langley Falls institution
since 1982...
I'm just gonna... rest my head
on this bit of filth here on the concrete.
...depicting a pantheon of great Americans --
Abraham Lincoln, Ronald Reagan, Jesus, Nolan Ryan,
Schneider from "One Day at a Time,"
in celebration of loyalty, integrity, and honesty --
three virtues that can be summed up in one simple word,
"loyntegresty."
A trait you clearly don't have.
That's it -- At this very moment,
one thing and one thing only matters --
this mural must be restored.
* Good morning, U.S.A.
* I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day *
* The sun in the sky has a smile on his face *
* And he's shinin' a salute to the American race *
* Oh, boy, it's swell to say
* Good -- * Good morning, U.S.A.
Aah!
* Good morning, U.S.A.
(birds chirping)
Don't you need to sign up to speak
at the Town Council meeting? Me?
No, I'm very well-known in this community.
Hey, it's that guy who pooped his pants at O'Shanahan's!
(tink!)
Fellow citizens,
have any of you driven down Old Chickasaw Road recently --
probably not.
Ever since they shut down that White Castle
where all those Jehovah's Witnesses got murdered,
there hasn't been much reason to.
But if you had, you would've seen...
this! (crowd gasps)
Our town's most cherished landmark sullied,
violated, raped.
Okay, okay, too far. Maybe -- Maybe not raped.
But definitely molested.
That mural is our greatest treasure,
a clarion call in brush and hue
to aspire to our better selves.
It's where I got my first handy J!
Our love of the mural has been reignited!
(crowd chanting "Mural!")
But loving the mural is not enough.
Unless it's restored, future generations
will be denied its message of loyntegresty
and go astray -- like my very own daughter.
(all gasp)
This is why you brought me here?
Look, if we're gonna restore the mural,
maybe we could add some diversity,
like, say, replace Schneider with Harriet Tubman?
Did Harriet Tubman sign autographs
for 15 minutes at Panini Barn?
This...
this is why I'm proposing the creation
of a mural-restoration task force,
a team of our city's finest artists and craftsmen,
to be led by...me,
the man who crapped himself at O'Shanahan's.
(all chanting "Stan Smith!")
Did you ever think you'd have a son who'd be
going to one of the most exclusive
nonsegregated clowning academies on the Atlantic seaboard?
No. No, I did not.
Mwah!
(inhales deeply)
(imitates gunshot)
(balls squeaking)
The teacher here is supposed to be the most intense
and demanding instructor in all of clowning and --
Shit. It's Roger, isn't it? It's gonna be Roger.
All right, jagoffs, the name's H.G. Rimmons.
Look to your left. Look to your right.
By the end of the semester,
60% of you will be dead by your own hand.
The rest will be clowns, ya dig?
Okay, I'm out of here.
Huh.
I'm -- I'm a little confused.
Because you said here on your application
you wanted to be a clown.
More than anything.
So what's your "gooch"?
Gooch is "horncorn" for clown name.
Horncorn is horncorn for clown lingo.
Gonna be honkin' a lot of horncorn around here, ya dig?
So, what's your gooch, kid?
Dimples. Dimples?
Pretty "buckety" gooch, don't ya think?
More horncorn. (chuckles) Relax.
Just sliding your whistle.
Why don't you show us what you got.
I...uh...
Come on, man -- No pressure.
Just lay a little jape on these cats.
Whatever you got. No big.
(Julius Fucik's "Entry of the Gladiators" plays)
(squeaking)
(farts)
Fart was a nice touch. Smells, too.
Ladies and gentlemen, we could be looking
at the next Emmett Kelly...
...of sucking! Ohh.
That's right, you nut-lickin' little turds.
I ain't here to hold your hands.
I'm here to play mind games
and emotionally abuse you into being clowns.
Ohh.
That's clowning, you shitheads!
(Whistling pleasantly)
Hey, Dad.
Where's the rest of the task force?
We had our team-building dinner at Benihana's.
Blew the whole budget. Had to let them go.
You know, got to admit, it's pretty cool
you're doing something for the community.
(tires screech, horn honks)
This town owes you one, Stan!
Yeah!
(tires squeal)
Well, I guess I'll let you get to it.
Good luck, Dad.
All right, let's start by getting the grime
off the old cheeks.
Dad, dab, dab. Oh, nope. Smudging just a little bit.
No problem. No problem. Just need to even it out.
Easy. Easy.
Okay, now that's really starting to smear.
Well, I can just freehand that jawline back into shape.
Hmm. Might as well really get in there with some 409,
then, and...
There goes the face.
That's okay. That's okay.
Got to get worse before it gets better.
Let's get the old Brillo Pad in on the action.
(scraping) Okay.
Think we're getting back on track now.
(dramatic music plays)
(indistinct conversations)
Dad, you look nervous.
Did everything turn out okay with the mural?
What? Yeah.
(High-pitched) I-I mean, yeah. Yeah, I think so.
I think -- I mean, sure. Yeah, turned out great. Why?
(Extremely high-pitched) I mean, definitely.
Without any further ado,
I give you your fully-restored mural!
(all gasp)
(indistinct conversations)
How could you have done this, Stan?!
(crowd booing)
But Stan loved that mural.
It was his daughter who had it out
for Schneider. What?!
Stan did say she lacked loyntegresty.
I bet she did this -- for hippie reasons!
Yeah!
(crowd booing) Dad!
Stand up for me! Tell them I didn't do it!
Dad!
(singsong voice) Haley?
Sugar blossom?
Pumpkin dumpling?
Daddy's little sugar-frosted raspberry maple fritter? Leave me alone!
The whole town hates me because you lied
to cover up for your own stupid mistake!
(normal voice) (sighs) That's true.
And I know what it'll take to make things right.
STAN: Ice cream!
(all booing)
Ow!
I want to fight ya!
Come on! Fight me!
Fight me!!
I didn't do it.
Dad, tell them the truth.
The truth?
This is the best damn ice cream in the tri-county area!
(all cheering)
I can hold the hero up all by myself!
(cheering continues)
(Muffled) I'm country strong!
(up-tempo circus music plays)
(burps)
(gasps)
(fabric rips)
(farts)
Well, kid...
you suck... Mm.
...ceded [succeeded] beautifully...
Mm? ...at being God awful...
Mm. ...is the opposite of what I think.
Mm? Psych! You stink, and I hate you.
(ball squeaks) Now, get this through your skull, man,
'cause I don't play mind games.
You will never be a clown.
You got potential, kid, and you can't teach that.
You know what?
I host a little retreat every summer
at my house on Block Island
for just a handful of my most promising students.
No real structure.
We just honk a little buffoonery,
lay some japes, blow each other --
you know, clown stuff.
And I think you could make the cut. Really?
If you push yourself to the absolute limit.
(upbeat music plays, babbling)
Uhp, I got to take this. It's my "aclowntant."
You know, a clown accountant?
He's got this giant calculator
that only ever adds up to "boobs."
Pretty funny, but, frankly,
I think he's been stealing from me.
Now, I know you're still upset.
I can't even show my face in this town anymore!
Well, I've taken care of that.
(gasps) You confessed to the town that
you were the one who ruined the mural?
Better -- I've converted the garage into...
"Haley's Hideaway."
Now you'll never have to leave the house --
or want to.
Dad, this is the single worst --
When you're not racking up high scores
on your sweet "Sopranos" pinball machine,
you can groove to some hot tunes on your top-of-the-line
Sanyo boom box -- with MegaBass.
You still like Warrant, right?
I don't recall ever having --
* She's my cherry pie * Dad!
* Cool drink of water, such a sweet surprise *
(distorted, slightly louder) * Tastes so good, make... *
(crying) How could you be so selfish?!
* Sweet cherry pie *
Oh, yeah! * She's my cherry pie *
(up-tempo drums playing)
(balloon squeaking)
(sloop!)
(balloon squeaks)
**
(screaming) (nose honking)
**
Aah! (bones cracking)
(groans)
Well, kid, you did it.
You pushed yourself to the absolute limit.
So, when's the retreat?
Ha! You were never going on the retreat.
I was just using you to motivate Gumdrop.
Gumdrop, you really got my attention
when you made that banana disappear.
(nose honks)
Hello, is this the North American Federation
of Clowning Academics? (nose honks)
Well, I'd like to file a report.
An instructor, uh... well, he...
he hit me!
(Wah-wah!)
Haley, honey, you were right.
It's time I finally did the one simple thing
I should've done from the very beginning and --
Ether says what?!
Don't worry, baby girl.
You'll be able to show your face again...
once you have a new face.
I've seen Dr. Weitzman do this tons of times at work.
How hard can it be? All right.
Let's start by reshaping the old eyes.
Tap, tap, tap. (squirt!)
Oop, oop. Eyeball's bulging just a bit.
No problem. No problem. Just need to even it out.
Easy. Easy.
Okay, that one really came out.
Well, might as well really get in there
with a scalpel then and...
There goes the face.
That's okay. That's okay.
Got to get worse before it gets better.
Let's get the old Brillo Pad in on the action.
(scraping) Okay!
Think we're getting back on track now.
(pinball machine dinging)
(Hayley screams)
(sour chord plays)
(muffled) You made me a monster!
Oh, it -- it's not that bad.
All you need is... the right hat.
Is that Eva Marie Saint standing in my garage?!
(screaming)
How could you do this to me?!
I-I need to get away from this town.
I need to get away from you!
Aaaaaaaah!
(tires screech)
Haley!
You shouldn't drive! (tires squeal)
You're acting all crazy!
Aah!
(horn blares)
Damn it, O'Shanahan's!
I just fixed her face!
I'm afraid Haley is in what we call a "super coma." (monitor beeping)
But at least she's not in any pain, right?
Oh, quite to the contrary.
The only part of her brain that's still functioning
are the pain receptors,
leaving her in a perpetual state of searing agony.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to take a doctor poop
in the doctor bathroom.
(monitor continues)
**
(sighs)
Wassup?! (gasps)
You may have them fooled, "doctor," but not me.
(sighs) Fine.
It's me, Haley.
(dramatic chord plays)
What?! I thought you were a nurse
trying to pass yourself off as a doctor!
How can this be?
When I saw what my dad had done to my face,
it was the final straw.
I became consumed by one goal and one goal only --
revenge.
So I pretended to drive off in hysterics
and faked my accident.
Then it was just a matter of blackmailing Dr. Weitzman
into actually reconstructing my face...
(ominous music plays)
...and recruiting Jeff to play the part of poor comatose Haley.
Now I'll have a front-row seat to watch my dad suffer,
wracked with guilt as I describe to him every day
just how much pain his darling daughter is in.
You will keep my secret, right, Klaus?
Absolutely. I, too, desire to see Stan suffer.
You see, just last week,
I asked him if he'd give me notes on my comic-strip idea.
And you know what he said to me?
Well, I have to go to work right now,
but I'd be happy to take a look later.
(ominous music plays)
Happy to take a look later?!
Revenge will be ours!
(both laugh manically)
Wh-Where's he going?
He's not feeling guilty at all.
He's back at work on that stupid mural!
KLAUS: And he's hired Langley's most accomplished artist,
the guy who paints the frescos at Olive Garden.
Looks like the grand unveiling is this Saturday.
That's the way to make him suffer.
We'll blow up the mural at the unveiling.
He'll be devastated.
And revenge will, at last, be mine!
Wait, Klaus. Where did you get those binoculars?
Are those Ashlyn's binoculars, my old American Girl doll?
She can lend her stuff to whoever she wants!
(slurps)
Dr. Montacristo, what are you doing here?
Oh, you might say I have a great personal interest
in the fate of this mural. Okay.
The unveiling's sure to be an explosive event.
(slurps) Yep.
Hey, hon.
I brought you some chicken soup for lunch.
Oh. Dr. Montacristo.
(unenthused) Would you like some, too?
Actually, Mrs. Smith, I prefer gazpacho,
a dish, like revenge, best served cold.
(laughs manically)
(laughter)
(laughter stops) All right. I'm out.
(horns honking in distance)
(indistinct conversations) If everyone would please have a seat,
we can begin the proceedings.
(Julius Fucik's "Entry of the Gladiators" plays)
Aaaaaah!
(trombone playing discordantly)
Okay.
Everybody...
we don't have all day.
(boing!)
Gentlemen!
If you don't stop doing bits, we'll never get out of here.
Now, Mr. Rimmons,
this isn't the first time
you've been accused of hitting a student.
But it is the first time I didn't actually do it.
May I retract that statement?
You're hereby stripped of your clown-teaching license.
Looks like you won, kid.
Ahem.
Meeting adjourned.
(boing!)
(giggles)
(dramatic music plays)
Fellow citizens,
it's time this whole mural fiasco was made right.
Okay, on my mark.
Three...
So, at long last...
...two...
...I finally give to you...
...one...
...my confession.
(all gasp)
Wait! Abort, abort!
Goofus McDoof sends his regards!
Aah!
Yes, it was me, not Hayley, who ruined the mural.
I was so scared of losing my status as a hero to all of you
that I betrayed my own daughter.
But then I see her in that coma, and ever since,
my only hope has been that this monumental confession
might somehow reach through to her
and bring her back to me.
**
(crowd booing, shouting)
See what your dad did, honey?
Squeeze my hand if you can hear me.
Mrs. Smith, if you don't mind,
I need to re-catheterize your daughter's penis.
Sure, sure, whatever.
Oh, Daddy!
Still got it.
No, Dad. It's me, Hayley.
Hayley? Baby girl! You're all right!
Oh, I'm so sorry! Can you ever forgive me?
Hey, what you did up there...
showed a lot of loyntegresty.
So I don't think people need to see
a monument to your eternal shame
every time they drive down Old Chickasaw Road.
Why?
Why would anyone want to destroy my AutoZone?
(sobbing)
So, you think you'll end up getting your old face back?
I dunno. Probably.
(birds chirping)
And, remember, ladies and gentlemen,
Belljar papers are due Friday -- no exceptions.
Jenna, that means you.
(laughter)
Hey, babe, should be home in about 10 minutes.
(gasps)
You know what? Make it 20.
I got to say hi to... an old friend.
(wind gusts)
(growls) Aah!
(raspy] That's right.
I've returned... as an It-style evil clown
named "Gladhandz," thirsting for revenge.
(normal voice) That's Gladhandz with a "Z."
(raspy) I'll haunt your every dream
until, finally, I lure you into the depths of the sewer
and to your doom.
Uh-huh, and how are you gonna do that, then?
(normal voice) Um...
Get in the sewer! (sighs)
I-I'll level with you, Steve. I didn't think this through.
I caught wind on LinkedIn
of how well you were doing out here,
and I-I guess I just kind of lost it.
Next thing you know, I'm filing my teeth down to points
and climbing into a sewer drain.
I'll be straight with you, Steve.
I need your help --
both financially and just, you know,
to get out of the sewer.
How long ago did he walk away?
Oh, quite a while ago.
Then you shall inherit the curse of Gladhandz!
(grunting)
(raspy) You'll never be free of me!
Bye! Have a great time!
-- Captions by VITA --