1
00:00:03,504 --> 00:00:05,939
Betrayed...
by my own daughter.

2
00:00:06,040 --> 00:00:07,375
It's a free country.

3
00:00:07,475 --> 00:00:09,443
You know I forbade anyone
in this family

4
00:00:09,543 --> 00:00:11,512
from ever eating
at O'Shanahan's again,

5
00:00:11,612 --> 00:00:13,747
ever since they cut me off
in the middle of

6
00:00:13,847 --> 00:00:15,883
"All You Can Eat Wings"
night.

7
00:00:15,983 --> 00:00:17,185
It was for
your own safety.

8
00:00:17,285 --> 00:00:18,852
You vomited twice
and were having

9
00:00:18,952 --> 00:00:21,522
severe heart palpitations.
I didn't feel full!

10
00:00:21,622 --> 00:00:24,058
The point is, you broke
a promise to your family.

11
00:00:24,158 --> 00:00:26,260
Family always comes
first, Haley.

12
00:00:26,360 --> 00:00:29,463
(sighs) I need something
to soothe my jangled nerves.

13
00:00:29,563 --> 00:00:31,632
Steve, how about you put a smile
on your old man's face

14
00:00:31,732 --> 00:00:32,966
and do
the "Backseat Shuffle"?

15
00:00:33,067 --> 00:00:34,935
(vocalizing)
Aw, come on.

16
00:00:35,035 --> 00:00:36,304
Get yourself
out of that seat belt

17
00:00:36,404 --> 00:00:37,738
so you can really give
those shoulders

18
00:00:37,838 --> 00:00:40,040
room to shimmy.
(vocalizing)

19
00:00:40,141 --> 00:00:41,742
There we go.

20
00:00:41,842 --> 00:00:44,745
* Sh-Sh-Shake shake shimmy
a-slippin' and slidin' *

21
00:00:44,845 --> 00:00:46,414
* Oh, I just gotta get
my groove on *
That's it now.

22
00:00:46,514 --> 00:00:47,981
* When I'm in the backseat
ridin' *

23
00:00:48,082 --> 00:00:49,583
* I shimmy to the left
All right!

24
00:00:49,683 --> 00:00:51,319
* I shimmy to the right!
"Backseat Shuffle"!

25
00:00:51,419 --> 00:00:53,087
* I'm rockin' the upholstery
almost every single -- *

26
00:00:53,187 --> 00:00:55,089
(gasps)
(tires screech)

27
00:00:55,189 --> 00:00:57,291
(car door shuts)

28
00:00:57,391 --> 00:00:58,626
How?!

29
00:00:58,726 --> 00:01:00,894
How could we have let
this happen?!

30
00:01:00,994 --> 00:01:02,896
What's the big deal?
It's just some dumb old mural.

31
00:01:02,996 --> 00:01:04,265
Wha...
Whoa.

32
00:01:04,365 --> 00:01:06,267
I-I feel a little --
I feel a little woozy.

33
00:01:06,367 --> 00:01:09,103
This mural has been
a Langley Falls institution

34
00:01:09,203 --> 00:01:10,504
since 1982...

35
00:01:10,604 --> 00:01:12,273
I'm just gonna...
rest my head

36
00:01:12,373 --> 00:01:14,408
on this bit of filth here
on the concrete.

37
00:01:14,508 --> 00:01:16,944
...depicting a pantheon
of great Americans --

38
00:01:17,044 --> 00:01:21,315
Abraham Lincoln, Ronald Reagan,
Jesus, Nolan Ryan,

39
00:01:21,415 --> 00:01:22,950
Schneider from
"One Day at a Time,"

40
00:01:23,050 --> 00:01:26,920
in celebration of loyalty,
integrity, and honesty --

41
00:01:27,020 --> 00:01:30,358
three virtues that can be
summed up in one simple word,

42
00:01:30,458 --> 00:01:32,092
"loyntegresty."

43
00:01:32,193 --> 00:01:34,928
A trait you clearly
don't have.

44
00:01:35,028 --> 00:01:36,697
That's it --
At this very moment,

45
00:01:36,797 --> 00:01:39,433
one thing and one thing only
matters --

46
00:01:39,533 --> 00:01:42,503
this mural must
be restored.

47
00:01:45,339 --> 00:01:47,708
* Good morning, U.S.A.

48
00:01:47,808 --> 00:01:51,779
* I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day *

49
00:01:51,879 --> 00:01:54,882
* The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face *

50
00:01:54,982 --> 00:01:59,153
* And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race *

51
00:02:01,021 --> 00:02:04,558
* Oh, boy, it's swell to say

52
00:02:04,658 --> 00:02:06,860
* Good --
* Good morning, U.S.A.

53
00:02:06,960 --> 00:02:07,895
Aah!

54
00:02:09,497 --> 00:02:12,533
* Good morning, U.S.A.

55
00:02:12,633 --> 00:02:15,035
(birds chirping)

56
00:02:15,135 --> 00:02:16,404
Don't you need to sign up
to speak

57
00:02:16,504 --> 00:02:18,038
at the Town Council meeting?
Me?

58
00:02:18,138 --> 00:02:21,141
No, I'm very well-known
in this community.

59
00:02:21,242 --> 00:02:24,011
Hey, it's that guy who pooped
his pants at O'Shanahan's!

60
00:02:24,111 --> 00:02:25,346
(tink!)

61
00:02:25,446 --> 00:02:27,147
Fellow citizens,

62
00:02:27,248 --> 00:02:29,917
have any of you driven down
Old Chickasaw Road recently --

63
00:02:30,017 --> 00:02:31,252
probably not.

64
00:02:31,352 --> 00:02:33,187
Ever since they shut down
that White Castle

65
00:02:33,287 --> 00:02:35,189
where all those Jehovah's
Witnesses got murdered,

66
00:02:35,289 --> 00:02:37,024
there hasn't been
much reason to.

67
00:02:37,124 --> 00:02:39,527
But if you had,
you would've seen...

68
00:02:39,627 --> 00:02:41,262
this!
(crowd gasps)

69
00:02:41,362 --> 00:02:44,665
Our town's most cherished
landmark sullied,

70
00:02:44,765 --> 00:02:46,534
violated, raped.

71
00:02:46,634 --> 00:02:48,736
Okay, okay, too far.
Maybe -- Maybe not raped.

72
00:02:48,836 --> 00:02:50,338
But definitely molested.

73
00:02:50,438 --> 00:02:52,740
That mural is
our greatest treasure,

74
00:02:52,840 --> 00:02:55,509
a clarion call
in brush and hue

75
00:02:55,609 --> 00:02:58,412
to aspire
to our better selves.

76
00:02:58,512 --> 00:03:00,948
It's where I got
my first handy J!

77
00:03:01,048 --> 00:03:03,617
Our love of the mural has
been reignited!

78
00:03:03,717 --> 00:03:05,886
(crowd chanting "Mural!")

79
00:03:05,986 --> 00:03:09,223
But loving the mural
is not enough.

80
00:03:09,323 --> 00:03:11,792
Unless it's restored,
future generations

81
00:03:11,892 --> 00:03:14,094
will be denied its message
of loyntegresty

82
00:03:14,194 --> 00:03:17,531
and go astray --
like my very own daughter.

83
00:03:17,631 --> 00:03:18,532
(all gasp)

84
00:03:18,632 --> 00:03:20,568
This is why you brought me here?

85
00:03:20,668 --> 00:03:22,436
Look, if we're gonna
restore the mural,

86
00:03:22,536 --> 00:03:24,037
maybe we could add
some diversity,

87
00:03:24,137 --> 00:03:27,040
like, say, replace Schneider
with Harriet Tubman?

88
00:03:27,140 --> 00:03:29,243
Did Harriet Tubman
sign autographs

89
00:03:29,343 --> 00:03:31,479
for 15 minutes
at Panini Barn?

90
00:03:31,579 --> 00:03:32,780
This...

91
00:03:32,880 --> 00:03:34,948
this is why I'm proposing
the creation

92
00:03:35,048 --> 00:03:36,984
of a mural-restoration
task force,

93
00:03:37,084 --> 00:03:39,753
a team of our city's
finest artists and craftsmen,

94
00:03:39,853 --> 00:03:41,989
to be led by...me,

95
00:03:42,089 --> 00:03:44,992
the man who crapped himself
at O'Shanahan's.

96
00:03:45,092 --> 00:03:47,961
(all chanting "Stan Smith!")

97
00:03:52,766 --> 00:03:54,635
Did you ever think
you'd have a son who'd be

98
00:03:54,735 --> 00:03:56,470
going to one
of the most exclusive

99
00:03:56,570 --> 00:04:00,274
nonsegregated clowning academies
on the Atlantic seaboard?

100
00:04:00,374 --> 00:04:02,576
No. No, I did not.

101
00:04:02,676 --> 00:04:03,844
Mwah!

102
00:04:03,944 --> 00:04:05,012
(inhales deeply)

103
00:04:08,148 --> 00:04:09,283
(imitates gunshot)

104
00:04:09,383 --> 00:04:11,285
(balls squeaking)

105
00:04:11,385 --> 00:04:13,987
The teacher here is
supposed to be the most intense

106
00:04:14,087 --> 00:04:16,524
and demanding instructor
in all of clowning and --

107
00:04:16,624 --> 00:04:19,126
Shit. It's Roger, isn't it?
It's gonna be Roger.

108
00:04:19,226 --> 00:04:21,862
All right, jagoffs,
the name's H.G. Rimmons.

109
00:04:21,962 --> 00:04:23,964
Look to your left.
Look to your right.

110
00:04:24,064 --> 00:04:25,366
By the end of the semester,

111
00:04:25,466 --> 00:04:28,001
60% of you will be dead
by your own hand.

112
00:04:28,101 --> 00:04:30,371
The rest will be clowns,
ya dig?

113
00:04:30,471 --> 00:04:32,172
Okay, I'm out of here.

114
00:04:32,272 --> 00:04:33,341
Huh.

115
00:04:33,441 --> 00:04:34,808
I'm --
I'm a little confused.

116
00:04:34,908 --> 00:04:37,311
Because you said here
on your application

117
00:04:37,411 --> 00:04:38,646
you wanted to be
a clown.

118
00:04:38,746 --> 00:04:39,880
More than anything.

119
00:04:39,980 --> 00:04:41,281
So what's your "gooch"?

120
00:04:41,382 --> 00:04:42,983
Gooch is "horncorn"
for clown name.

121
00:04:43,083 --> 00:04:45,152
Horncorn is horncorn
for clown lingo.

122
00:04:45,252 --> 00:04:48,155
Gonna be honkin' a lot of
horncorn around here, ya dig?

123
00:04:48,255 --> 00:04:49,557
So, what's your gooch,
kid?

124
00:04:49,657 --> 00:04:51,392
Dimples.
Dimples?

125
00:04:51,492 --> 00:04:53,226
Pretty "buckety" gooch,
don't ya think?

126
00:04:53,327 --> 00:04:54,828
More horncorn.
(chuckles) Relax.

127
00:04:54,928 --> 00:04:56,163
Just sliding your whistle.

128
00:04:56,263 --> 00:04:57,064
Why don't you show us
what you got.

129
00:04:57,164 --> 00:04:58,899
I...uh...

130
00:04:58,999 --> 00:05:00,701
Come on, man --
No pressure.

131
00:05:00,801 --> 00:05:02,870
Just lay a little jape
on these cats.

132
00:05:02,970 --> 00:05:04,538
Whatever you got.
No big.

133
00:05:04,638 --> 00:05:09,009
(Julius Fucik's "Entry
of the Gladiators" plays)

134
00:05:09,109 --> 00:05:10,911
(squeaking)

135
00:05:11,011 --> 00:05:12,380
(farts)

136
00:05:12,480 --> 00:05:14,682
Fart was a nice touch.
Smells, too.

137
00:05:14,782 --> 00:05:16,384
Ladies and gentlemen,
we could be looking

138
00:05:16,484 --> 00:05:18,919
at the next
Emmett Kelly...

139
00:05:19,019 --> 00:05:21,054
...of sucking!
Ohh.

140
00:05:21,154 --> 00:05:23,190
That's right,
you nut-lickin' little turds.

141
00:05:23,290 --> 00:05:24,425
I ain't here
to hold your hands.

142
00:05:24,525 --> 00:05:25,926
I'm here to play
mind games

143
00:05:26,026 --> 00:05:28,929
and emotionally abuse you
into being clowns.

144
00:05:29,029 --> 00:05:30,163
Ohh.

145
00:05:30,263 --> 00:05:32,666
That's clowning,
you shitheads!

146
00:05:32,766 --> 00:05:35,068
(Whistling pleasantly)

147
00:05:35,168 --> 00:05:36,370
Hey, Dad.

148
00:05:36,470 --> 00:05:38,171
Where's the rest
of the task force?

149
00:05:38,271 --> 00:05:40,340
We had our team-building dinner
at Benihana's.

150
00:05:40,441 --> 00:05:42,342
Blew the whole budget.
Had to let them go.

151
00:05:42,443 --> 00:05:44,244
You know, got to admit,
it's pretty cool

152
00:05:44,344 --> 00:05:45,946
you're doing something
for the community.

153
00:05:46,046 --> 00:05:47,381
(tires screech, horn honks)

154
00:05:47,481 --> 00:05:49,617
This town owes you
one, Stan!

155
00:05:49,717 --> 00:05:50,884
Yeah!

156
00:05:50,984 --> 00:05:53,353
(tires squeal)

157
00:05:53,454 --> 00:05:56,089
Well, I guess I'll let you
get to it.

158
00:05:56,189 --> 00:05:57,791
Good luck, Dad.

159
00:06:00,861 --> 00:06:02,530
All right, let's start
by getting the grime

160
00:06:02,630 --> 00:06:04,097
off the old cheeks.

161
00:06:04,197 --> 00:06:07,267
Dad, dab, dab. Oh, nope.
Smudging just a little bit.

162
00:06:07,367 --> 00:06:09,603
No problem. No problem.
Just need to even it out.

163
00:06:09,703 --> 00:06:11,304
Easy. Easy.

164
00:06:11,405 --> 00:06:13,240
Okay, now that's really
starting to smear.

165
00:06:13,340 --> 00:06:15,809
Well, I can just freehand
that jawline back into shape.

166
00:06:18,412 --> 00:06:20,948
Hmm. Might as well really get
in there with some 409,

167
00:06:21,048 --> 00:06:22,650
then, and...

168
00:06:24,585 --> 00:06:25,819
There goes the face.

169
00:06:25,919 --> 00:06:27,120
That's okay. That's okay.

170
00:06:27,220 --> 00:06:28,889
Got to get worse
before it gets better.

171
00:06:28,989 --> 00:06:31,224
Let's get the old Brillo Pad
in on the action.

172
00:06:31,324 --> 00:06:32,960
(scraping)
Okay.

173
00:06:33,060 --> 00:06:35,663
Think we're getting back
on track now.

174
00:06:35,763 --> 00:06:39,667
(dramatic music plays)

175
00:06:39,767 --> 00:06:41,502
(indistinct conversations)

176
00:06:41,602 --> 00:06:44,104
Dad, you look nervous.

177
00:06:44,204 --> 00:06:46,006
Did everything turn out okay
with the mural?

178
00:06:46,106 --> 00:06:47,575
What? Yeah.

179
00:06:47,675 --> 00:06:49,142
(High-pitched) I-I mean, yeah.
Yeah, I think so.

180
00:06:49,242 --> 00:06:52,079
I think -- I mean, sure.
Yeah, turned out great. Why?

181
00:06:52,179 --> 00:06:53,080
(Extremely high-pitched)
I mean, definitely.

182
00:06:53,180 --> 00:06:55,348
Without any further ado,

183
00:06:55,449 --> 00:07:00,454
I give you
your fully-restored mural!

184
00:07:00,554 --> 00:07:01,922
(all gasp)

185
00:07:02,022 --> 00:07:04,024
(indistinct conversations)

186
00:07:11,632 --> 00:07:14,434
How could you have done
this, Stan?!

187
00:07:14,535 --> 00:07:17,971
(crowd booing)

188
00:07:18,071 --> 00:07:20,140
But Stan loved
that mural.

189
00:07:20,240 --> 00:07:22,643
It was his daughter
who had it out

190
00:07:22,743 --> 00:07:24,778
for Schneider.
What?!

191
00:07:24,878 --> 00:07:27,447
Stan did say she lacked
loyntegresty.

192
00:07:27,548 --> 00:07:30,183
I bet she did this --
for hippie reasons!

193
00:07:30,283 --> 00:07:31,485
Yeah!

194
00:07:31,585 --> 00:07:32,986
(crowd booing)
Dad!

195
00:07:33,086 --> 00:07:35,222
Stand up for me!
Tell them I didn't do it!

196
00:07:39,793 --> 00:07:41,228
Dad!

197
00:07:47,901 --> 00:07:49,670
(singsong voice)
Haley?

198
00:07:49,770 --> 00:07:51,371
Sugar blossom?

199
00:07:51,471 --> 00:07:53,641
Pumpkin dumpling?

200
00:07:53,741 --> 00:07:56,577
Daddy's little sugar-frosted
raspberry maple fritter?
Leave me alone!

201
00:07:56,677 --> 00:07:58,812
The whole town hates me
because you lied

202
00:07:58,912 --> 00:08:01,549
to cover up
for your own stupid mistake!

203
00:08:01,649 --> 00:08:03,483
(normal voice)
(sighs) That's true.

204
00:08:03,584 --> 00:08:06,887
And I know what it'll take
to make things right.

205
00:08:06,987 --> 00:08:08,589
STAN: Ice cream!

206
00:08:08,689 --> 00:08:09,990
(all booing)

207
00:08:10,090 --> 00:08:11,692
Ow!

208
00:08:11,792 --> 00:08:13,326
I want to fight ya!

209
00:08:13,426 --> 00:08:15,162
Come on! Fight me!

210
00:08:15,262 --> 00:08:16,864
Fight me!!

211
00:08:16,964 --> 00:08:18,098
I didn't do it.

212
00:08:18,198 --> 00:08:19,833
Dad, tell them the truth.

213
00:08:19,933 --> 00:08:22,202
The truth?

214
00:08:22,302 --> 00:08:25,338
This is the best damn ice cream
in the tri-county area!

215
00:08:25,438 --> 00:08:26,840
(all cheering)

216
00:08:26,940 --> 00:08:29,710
I can hold the hero up
all by myself!

217
00:08:29,810 --> 00:08:31,078
(cheering continues)

218
00:08:31,178 --> 00:08:33,747
(Muffled)
I'm country strong!

219
00:08:33,847 --> 00:08:37,517
(up-tempo circus music plays)

220
00:08:37,618 --> 00:08:39,252
(burps)

221
00:08:39,352 --> 00:08:41,054
(gasps)

222
00:08:41,154 --> 00:08:42,289
(fabric rips)

223
00:08:42,389 --> 00:08:44,558
(farts)

224
00:08:44,658 --> 00:08:46,226
Well, kid...

225
00:08:46,326 --> 00:08:48,228
you suck...
Mm.

226
00:08:48,328 --> 00:08:50,530
...ceded [succeeded]
beautifully...

227
00:08:50,631 --> 00:08:52,700
Mm?
...at being God awful...

228
00:08:52,800 --> 00:08:56,136
Mm.
...is the opposite
of what I think.

229
00:08:56,236 --> 00:08:58,806
Mm?
Psych! You stink,
and I hate you.

230
00:08:58,906 --> 00:09:01,041
(ball squeaks)
Now, get this through
your skull, man,

231
00:09:01,141 --> 00:09:02,475
'cause I don't play
mind games.

232
00:09:02,576 --> 00:09:05,145
You will never
be a clown.

233
00:09:05,245 --> 00:09:07,948
You got potential, kid,
and you can't teach that.

234
00:09:08,048 --> 00:09:09,116
You know what?

235
00:09:09,216 --> 00:09:10,718
I host a little retreat
every summer

236
00:09:10,818 --> 00:09:12,219
at my house on Block Island

237
00:09:12,319 --> 00:09:14,722
for just a handful
of my most promising students.

238
00:09:14,822 --> 00:09:16,123
No real structure.

239
00:09:16,223 --> 00:09:17,658
We just honk
a little buffoonery,

240
00:09:17,758 --> 00:09:19,259
lay some japes,
blow each other --

241
00:09:19,359 --> 00:09:20,661
you know,
clown stuff.

242
00:09:20,761 --> 00:09:22,295
And I think you could
make the cut.
Really?

243
00:09:22,395 --> 00:09:25,599
If you push yourself
to the absolute limit.

244
00:09:25,699 --> 00:09:27,635
(upbeat music plays, babbling)

245
00:09:27,735 --> 00:09:29,803
Uhp, I got to take this.
It's my "aclowntant."

246
00:09:29,903 --> 00:09:31,404
You know,
a clown accountant?

247
00:09:31,504 --> 00:09:32,973
He's got this giant
calculator

248
00:09:33,073 --> 00:09:34,842
that only ever adds up
to "boobs."

249
00:09:34,942 --> 00:09:36,176
Pretty funny, but, frankly,

250
00:09:36,276 --> 00:09:38,078
I think he's been stealing
from me.

251
00:09:40,681 --> 00:09:42,515
Now, I know
you're still upset.

252
00:09:42,616 --> 00:09:45,786
I can't even show my face
in this town anymore!

253
00:09:45,886 --> 00:09:47,187
Well, I've taken care
of that.

254
00:09:47,287 --> 00:09:48,922
(gasps) You confessed
to the town that

255
00:09:49,022 --> 00:09:50,357
you were the one
who ruined the mural?

256
00:09:50,457 --> 00:09:53,126
Better -- I've converted
the garage into...

257
00:09:53,226 --> 00:09:55,262
"Haley's Hideaway."

258
00:09:55,362 --> 00:09:56,697
Now you'll never have
to leave the house --

259
00:09:56,797 --> 00:09:57,865
or want to.

260
00:09:57,965 --> 00:09:59,532
Dad, this is
the single worst --

261
00:09:59,633 --> 00:10:00,868
When you're not
racking up high scores

262
00:10:00,968 --> 00:10:03,036
on your sweet "Sopranos"
pinball machine,

263
00:10:03,136 --> 00:10:05,505
you can groove to some hot tunes
on your top-of-the-line

264
00:10:05,605 --> 00:10:08,608
Sanyo boom box --
with MegaBass.

265
00:10:08,709 --> 00:10:09,877
You still like Warrant,
right?

266
00:10:09,977 --> 00:10:11,679
I don't recall ever
having --

267
00:10:11,779 --> 00:10:13,881
* She's my cherry pie *
Dad!

268
00:10:13,981 --> 00:10:15,816
* Cool drink of water,
such a sweet surprise *

269
00:10:15,916 --> 00:10:18,018
(distorted, slightly louder)
* Tastes so good, make... *

270
00:10:18,118 --> 00:10:19,820
(crying) How could you
be so selfish?!

271
00:10:19,920 --> 00:10:22,189
* Sweet cherry pie *

272
00:10:22,289 --> 00:10:25,058
Oh, yeah!
* She's my cherry pie *

273
00:10:25,158 --> 00:10:26,827
(up-tempo drums playing)

274
00:10:38,071 --> 00:10:39,572
(balloon squeaking)

275
00:10:39,673 --> 00:10:40,640
(sloop!)

276
00:10:40,741 --> 00:10:41,574
(balloon squeaks)

277
00:10:41,675 --> 00:10:48,048
**

278
00:10:48,148 --> 00:10:51,318
(screaming)
(nose honking)

279
00:10:51,418 --> 00:10:56,857
**

280
00:10:56,957 --> 00:10:57,891
Aah!
(bones cracking)

281
00:10:57,991 --> 00:10:59,259
(groans)

282
00:10:59,359 --> 00:11:01,494
Well, kid, you did it.

283
00:11:01,594 --> 00:11:04,364
You pushed yourself
to the absolute limit.

284
00:11:04,464 --> 00:11:05,933
So, when's the retreat?

285
00:11:06,033 --> 00:11:08,235
Ha! You were never
going on the retreat.

286
00:11:08,335 --> 00:11:10,838
I was just using you
to motivate Gumdrop.

287
00:11:10,938 --> 00:11:12,572
Gumdrop, you really got
my attention

288
00:11:12,672 --> 00:11:14,007
when you made
that banana disappear.

289
00:11:14,107 --> 00:11:15,508
(nose honks)

290
00:11:15,608 --> 00:11:18,111
Hello, is this
the North American Federation

291
00:11:18,211 --> 00:11:20,380
of Clowning Academics?
(nose honks)

292
00:11:20,480 --> 00:11:23,250
Well, I'd like
to file a report.

293
00:11:23,350 --> 00:11:26,686
An instructor, uh...
well, he...

294
00:11:26,787 --> 00:11:28,756
he hit me!

295
00:11:28,856 --> 00:11:31,258
(Wah-wah!)

296
00:11:32,860 --> 00:11:36,396
Haley, honey,
you were right.

297
00:11:36,496 --> 00:11:39,032
It's time I finally
did the one simple thing

298
00:11:39,132 --> 00:11:40,801
I should've done
from the very beginning and --

299
00:11:40,901 --> 00:11:43,737
Ether says what?!

300
00:11:43,837 --> 00:11:45,305
Don't worry,
baby girl.

301
00:11:45,405 --> 00:11:48,041
You'll be able
to show your face again...

302
00:11:48,141 --> 00:11:50,110
once you have a new face.

303
00:12:02,756 --> 00:12:05,926
I've seen Dr. Weitzman
do this tons of times at work.

304
00:12:06,026 --> 00:12:07,828
How hard can it be?
All right.

305
00:12:07,928 --> 00:12:10,263
Let's start by reshaping
the old eyes.

306
00:12:10,363 --> 00:12:11,598
Tap, tap, tap.
(squirt!)

307
00:12:11,698 --> 00:12:14,167
Oop, oop.
Eyeball's bulging just a bit.

308
00:12:14,267 --> 00:12:16,403
No problem. No problem.
Just need to even it out.

309
00:12:16,503 --> 00:12:19,006
Easy. Easy.

310
00:12:19,106 --> 00:12:21,608
Okay, that one really came out.

311
00:12:21,708 --> 00:12:23,076
Well, might as well really get
in there

312
00:12:23,176 --> 00:12:24,611
with a scalpel then and...

313
00:12:24,711 --> 00:12:26,579
There goes the face.

314
00:12:26,679 --> 00:12:27,848
That's okay. That's okay.

315
00:12:27,948 --> 00:12:29,850
Got to get worse
before it gets better.

316
00:12:29,950 --> 00:12:32,352
Let's get the old Brillo Pad
in on the action.

317
00:12:32,452 --> 00:12:34,587
(scraping)
Okay!

318
00:12:34,687 --> 00:12:36,623
Think we're getting back
on track now.

319
00:12:36,723 --> 00:12:38,025
(pinball machine dinging)

320
00:12:39,626 --> 00:12:41,761
(Hayley screams)

321
00:12:41,862 --> 00:12:42,996
(sour chord plays)

322
00:12:43,096 --> 00:12:45,866
(muffled)
You made me a monster!

323
00:12:45,966 --> 00:12:48,101
Oh, it --
it's not that bad.

324
00:12:48,201 --> 00:12:50,603
All you need is...
the right hat.

325
00:12:52,272 --> 00:12:55,876
Is that Eva Marie Saint standing
in my garage?!

326
00:12:55,976 --> 00:12:59,112
(screaming)

327
00:12:59,212 --> 00:13:01,281
How could you
do this to me?!

328
00:13:01,381 --> 00:13:03,851
I-I need to get away
from this town.

329
00:13:03,951 --> 00:13:06,319
I need to get away
from you!

330
00:13:06,419 --> 00:13:07,888
Aaaaaaaah!

331
00:13:07,988 --> 00:13:09,322
(tires screech)

332
00:13:09,422 --> 00:13:10,523
Haley!

333
00:13:10,623 --> 00:13:12,392
You shouldn't drive!
(tires squeal)

334
00:13:12,492 --> 00:13:14,494
You're acting all crazy!

335
00:13:14,594 --> 00:13:15,495
Aah!

336
00:13:15,595 --> 00:13:19,299
(horn blares)

337
00:13:19,399 --> 00:13:21,234
Damn it, O'Shanahan's!

338
00:13:21,334 --> 00:13:23,904
I just fixed her face!

339
00:13:28,541 --> 00:13:31,879
I'm afraid Haley is
in what we call a "super coma."
(monitor beeping)

340
00:13:31,979 --> 00:13:35,515
But at least she's not
in any pain, right?

341
00:13:35,615 --> 00:13:37,050
Oh, quite
to the contrary.

342
00:13:37,150 --> 00:13:38,751
The only part of her brain
that's still functioning

343
00:13:38,886 --> 00:13:40,353
are the pain receptors,

344
00:13:40,453 --> 00:13:42,655
leaving her in a perpetual state
of searing agony.

345
00:13:42,755 --> 00:13:44,858
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to take a doctor poop

346
00:13:44,958 --> 00:13:46,159
in the doctor bathroom.

347
00:13:46,259 --> 00:13:47,560
(monitor continues)

348
00:13:47,660 --> 00:13:52,866
**

349
00:13:52,966 --> 00:13:56,103
(sighs)

350
00:13:56,203 --> 00:13:58,005
Wassup?!
(gasps)

351
00:13:58,105 --> 00:14:02,075
You may have them fooled,
"doctor," but not me.

352
00:14:02,175 --> 00:14:03,443
(sighs) Fine.

353
00:14:03,543 --> 00:14:04,777
It's me, Haley.

354
00:14:04,878 --> 00:14:06,079
(dramatic chord plays)

355
00:14:06,179 --> 00:14:08,015
What?! I thought you were
a nurse

356
00:14:08,115 --> 00:14:10,050
trying to pass yourself off
as a doctor!

357
00:14:10,150 --> 00:14:11,418
How can this be?

358
00:14:11,518 --> 00:14:14,221
When I saw what my dad had
done to my face,

359
00:14:14,321 --> 00:14:15,688
it was the final straw.

360
00:14:15,788 --> 00:14:19,927
I became consumed by one goal
and one goal only --

361
00:14:20,027 --> 00:14:21,394
revenge.

362
00:14:21,494 --> 00:14:23,897
So I pretended to drive off
in hysterics

363
00:14:23,997 --> 00:14:26,099
and faked my accident.

364
00:14:26,199 --> 00:14:28,868
Then it was just a matter
of blackmailing Dr. Weitzman

365
00:14:28,969 --> 00:14:33,773
into actually
reconstructing my face...

366
00:14:33,873 --> 00:14:35,775
(ominous music plays)

367
00:14:35,875 --> 00:14:39,112
...and recruiting Jeff to play
the part of poor comatose Haley.

368
00:14:39,212 --> 00:14:42,983
Now I'll have a front-row seat
to watch my dad suffer,

369
00:14:43,083 --> 00:14:45,885
wracked with guilt
as I describe to him every day

370
00:14:45,986 --> 00:14:49,822
just how much pain
his darling daughter is in.

371
00:14:49,923 --> 00:14:51,658
You will keep my secret,
right, Klaus?

372
00:14:51,758 --> 00:14:55,795
Absolutely. I, too,
desire to see Stan suffer.

373
00:14:55,895 --> 00:14:58,165
You see, just last week,

374
00:14:58,265 --> 00:15:02,135
I asked him if he'd give me
notes on my comic-strip idea.

375
00:15:02,235 --> 00:15:05,138
And you know
what he said to me?

376
00:15:05,238 --> 00:15:07,174
Well, I have to go to work
right now,

377
00:15:07,274 --> 00:15:09,909
but I'd be happy
to take a look later.

378
00:15:10,010 --> 00:15:13,113
(ominous music plays)

379
00:15:13,213 --> 00:15:15,482
Happy to take a look
later?!

380
00:15:15,582 --> 00:15:18,251
Revenge will be ours!

381
00:15:18,351 --> 00:15:20,520
(both laugh manically)

382
00:15:20,620 --> 00:15:24,257
Wh-Where's he going?

383
00:15:24,357 --> 00:15:26,659
He's not feeling guilty
at all.

384
00:15:26,759 --> 00:15:30,097
He's back at work
on that stupid mural!

385
00:15:30,197 --> 00:15:33,500
KLAUS: And he's hired Langley's
most accomplished artist,

386
00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:36,203
the guy who paints the frescos
at Olive Garden.

387
00:15:36,303 --> 00:15:39,606
Looks like the grand unveiling
is this Saturday.

388
00:15:39,706 --> 00:15:43,676
That's the way
to make him suffer.

389
00:15:43,776 --> 00:15:46,313
We'll blow up the mural
at the unveiling.

390
00:15:46,413 --> 00:15:48,015
He'll be devastated.

391
00:15:48,115 --> 00:15:50,850
And revenge will, at last,
be mine!

392
00:15:50,950 --> 00:15:53,786
Wait, Klaus. Where did you
get those binoculars?

393
00:15:53,886 --> 00:15:56,823
Are those Ashlyn's binoculars,
my old American Girl doll?

394
00:15:56,923 --> 00:15:59,226
She can lend her stuff
to whoever she wants!

395
00:15:59,326 --> 00:16:00,793
(slurps)

396
00:16:00,893 --> 00:16:02,895
Dr. Montacristo,
what are you doing here?

397
00:16:02,996 --> 00:16:06,333
Oh, you might say
I have a great personal interest

398
00:16:06,433 --> 00:16:08,868
in the fate
of this mural.
Okay.

399
00:16:08,968 --> 00:16:13,906
The unveiling's sure to be
an explosive event.

400
00:16:14,007 --> 00:16:15,075
(slurps) Yep.

401
00:16:15,175 --> 00:16:16,543
Hey, hon.

402
00:16:16,643 --> 00:16:19,179
I brought you some chicken soup
for lunch.

403
00:16:19,279 --> 00:16:21,581
Oh. Dr. Montacristo.

404
00:16:21,681 --> 00:16:23,316
(unenthused)
Would you like some, too?

405
00:16:23,416 --> 00:16:27,154
Actually, Mrs. Smith,
I prefer gazpacho,

406
00:16:27,254 --> 00:16:32,559
a dish, like revenge,
best served cold.

407
00:16:32,659 --> 00:16:35,228
(laughs manically)

408
00:16:35,328 --> 00:16:38,731
(laughter)

409
00:16:42,935 --> 00:16:45,572
(laughter stops)
All right. I'm out.

410
00:16:45,672 --> 00:16:47,940
(horns honking in distance)

411
00:16:48,041 --> 00:16:50,077
(indistinct conversations)
If everyone would please
have a seat,

412
00:16:50,177 --> 00:16:52,079
we can begin the proceedings.

413
00:16:52,179 --> 00:16:56,249
(Julius Fucik's "Entry
of the Gladiators" plays)

414
00:16:56,349 --> 00:16:59,219
Aaaaaah!

415
00:16:59,319 --> 00:17:01,588
(trombone playing
discordantly)

416
00:17:01,688 --> 00:17:03,423
Okay.

417
00:17:03,523 --> 00:17:04,857
Everybody...

418
00:17:04,957 --> 00:17:05,958
we don't have all day.

419
00:17:06,059 --> 00:17:09,096
(boing!)

420
00:17:14,267 --> 00:17:16,569
Gentlemen!

421
00:17:16,669 --> 00:17:19,072
If you don't stop doing bits,
we'll never get out of here.

422
00:17:19,172 --> 00:17:21,874
Now, Mr. Rimmons,

423
00:17:21,974 --> 00:17:23,310
this isn't the first time

424
00:17:23,410 --> 00:17:25,278
you've been accused
of hitting a student.

425
00:17:25,378 --> 00:17:28,881
But it is the first time
I didn't actually do it.

426
00:17:28,981 --> 00:17:30,550
May I retract
that statement?

427
00:17:30,650 --> 00:17:33,052
You're hereby stripped of
your clown-teaching license.

428
00:17:33,153 --> 00:17:35,488
Looks like you won, kid.

429
00:17:39,426 --> 00:17:41,294
Ahem.

430
00:17:44,797 --> 00:17:46,166
Meeting adjourned.

431
00:17:46,266 --> 00:17:47,500
(boing!)

432
00:17:47,600 --> 00:17:49,236
(giggles)

433
00:17:49,336 --> 00:17:53,606
(dramatic music plays)

434
00:17:53,706 --> 00:17:55,242
Fellow citizens,

435
00:17:55,342 --> 00:17:58,445
it's time this whole mural
fiasco was made right.

436
00:17:58,545 --> 00:18:00,513
Okay, on my mark.

437
00:18:00,613 --> 00:18:01,781
Three...

438
00:18:01,881 --> 00:18:03,250
So, at long last...

439
00:18:03,350 --> 00:18:04,417
...two...

440
00:18:04,517 --> 00:18:06,119
...I finally give to you...

441
00:18:06,219 --> 00:18:07,120
...one...

442
00:18:07,220 --> 00:18:08,455
...my confession.

443
00:18:08,555 --> 00:18:10,190
(all gasp)

444
00:18:10,290 --> 00:18:11,624
Wait! Abort, abort!

445
00:18:11,724 --> 00:18:14,294
Goofus McDoof sends
his regards!

446
00:18:14,394 --> 00:18:15,928
Aah!

447
00:18:16,028 --> 00:18:19,599
Yes, it was me, not Hayley,
who ruined the mural.

448
00:18:19,699 --> 00:18:22,702
I was so scared of losing my
status as a hero to all of you

449
00:18:22,802 --> 00:18:25,305
that I betrayed my own daughter.

450
00:18:25,405 --> 00:18:28,341
But then I see her in that coma,
and ever since,

451
00:18:28,441 --> 00:18:30,877
my only hope has been
that this monumental confession

452
00:18:30,977 --> 00:18:33,213
might somehow reach
through to her

453
00:18:33,313 --> 00:18:35,382
and bring her back to me.

454
00:18:35,482 --> 00:18:37,184
**

455
00:18:37,284 --> 00:18:40,220
(crowd booing, shouting)

456
00:18:42,322 --> 00:18:44,557
See what your dad did,
honey?

457
00:18:44,657 --> 00:18:46,893
Squeeze my hand
if you can hear me.

458
00:18:46,993 --> 00:18:48,361
Mrs. Smith,
if you don't mind,

459
00:18:48,461 --> 00:18:50,397
I need to re-catheterize
your daughter's penis.

460
00:18:50,497 --> 00:18:51,864
Sure, sure, whatever.

461
00:18:54,234 --> 00:18:56,135
Oh, Daddy!

462
00:18:56,236 --> 00:18:57,370
Still got it.

463
00:18:57,470 --> 00:18:59,539
No, Dad.
It's me, Hayley.

464
00:18:59,639 --> 00:19:02,141
Hayley? Baby girl!
You're all right!

465
00:19:02,242 --> 00:19:04,644
Oh, I'm so sorry!
Can you ever forgive me?

466
00:19:04,744 --> 00:19:07,046
Hey, what you did
up there...

467
00:19:07,146 --> 00:19:09,249
showed a lot
of loyntegresty.

468
00:19:09,349 --> 00:19:11,251
So I don't think
people need to see

469
00:19:11,351 --> 00:19:13,052
a monument
to your eternal shame

470
00:19:13,152 --> 00:19:15,555
every time they drive down
Old Chickasaw Road.

471
00:19:21,428 --> 00:19:23,162
Why?

472
00:19:23,263 --> 00:19:26,499
Why would anyone want
to destroy my AutoZone?

473
00:19:26,599 --> 00:19:31,070
(sobbing)

474
00:19:31,170 --> 00:19:33,906
So, you think you'll end up
getting your old face back?

475
00:19:34,006 --> 00:19:37,109
I dunno. Probably.

476
00:19:37,210 --> 00:19:40,547
(birds chirping)

477
00:19:40,647 --> 00:19:42,114
And, remember,
ladies and gentlemen,

478
00:19:42,215 --> 00:19:45,452
Belljar papers are due Friday --
no exceptions.

479
00:19:45,552 --> 00:19:46,853
Jenna, that means you.

480
00:19:46,953 --> 00:19:48,288
(laughter)

481
00:19:48,388 --> 00:19:50,590
Hey, babe, should be home
in about 10 minutes.

482
00:19:50,690 --> 00:19:52,792
(gasps)

483
00:19:52,892 --> 00:19:55,262
You know what?
Make it 20.

484
00:19:55,362 --> 00:19:58,365
I got to say hi to...
an old friend.

485
00:20:05,905 --> 00:20:08,941
(wind gusts)

486
00:20:09,041 --> 00:20:10,277
(growls)
Aah!

487
00:20:10,377 --> 00:20:11,644
(raspy] That's right.

488
00:20:11,744 --> 00:20:15,248
I've returned...
as an It-style evil clown

489
00:20:15,348 --> 00:20:18,251
named "Gladhandz,"
thirsting for revenge.

490
00:20:18,351 --> 00:20:19,586
(normal voice)
That's Gladhandz with a "Z."

491
00:20:19,686 --> 00:20:21,288
(raspy) I'll haunt
your every dream

492
00:20:21,388 --> 00:20:24,424
until, finally, I lure you
into the depths of the sewer

493
00:20:24,524 --> 00:20:26,259
and to your doom.

494
00:20:26,359 --> 00:20:28,261
Uh-huh, and how are you
gonna do that, then?

495
00:20:28,361 --> 00:20:29,629
(normal voice) Um...

496
00:20:29,729 --> 00:20:32,131
Get in the sewer!
(sighs)

497
00:20:32,231 --> 00:20:34,901
I-I'll level with you, Steve.
I didn't think this through.

498
00:20:35,001 --> 00:20:36,636
I caught wind on LinkedIn

499
00:20:36,736 --> 00:20:38,305
of how well you were
doing out here,

500
00:20:38,405 --> 00:20:39,972
and I-I guess
I just kind of lost it.

501
00:20:40,072 --> 00:20:42,342
Next thing you know, I'm filing
my teeth down to points

502
00:20:42,442 --> 00:20:44,076
and climbing
into a sewer drain.

503
00:20:44,176 --> 00:20:45,177
I'll be straight with you,
Steve.

504
00:20:45,278 --> 00:20:46,446
I need your help --

505
00:20:46,546 --> 00:20:48,415
both financially and just,
you know,

506
00:20:48,515 --> 00:20:49,982
to get out of the sewer.

507
00:20:50,082 --> 00:20:52,018
How long ago
did he walk away?

508
00:20:52,118 --> 00:20:53,953
Oh, quite a while ago.

509
00:20:54,053 --> 00:20:57,123
Then you shall inherit
the curse of Gladhandz!

510
00:20:57,223 --> 00:20:59,426
(grunting)

511
00:20:59,526 --> 00:21:02,161
(raspy) You'll never
be free of me!

512
00:21:02,261 --> 00:21:04,163
Bye! Have a great time!

513
00:21:04,263 --> 00:21:08,000
-- Captions by VITA --