1
00:00:03,571 --> 00:00:04,872
I don't know
about you guys,

2
00:00:04,972 --> 00:00:06,674
but I can't just get
right back in the car

3
00:00:06,774 --> 00:00:08,008
after a "Law & Order"
Fest.

4
00:00:08,109 --> 00:00:10,078
Too much adrenaline.
Let's download.

5
00:00:10,178 --> 00:00:11,245
Best and worst.

6
00:00:11,345 --> 00:00:13,514
Best --
meeting Bobby the Body,

7
00:00:13,614 --> 00:00:16,284
the guy who played
19 different murder victims.

8
00:00:16,384 --> 00:00:18,052
Worst --
finding out one of them

9
00:00:18,152 --> 00:00:21,021
was the cocktail waitress
I so publicly gushed over.

10
00:00:21,122 --> 00:00:22,090
[ Dramatic tone plays ]

11
00:00:22,190 --> 00:00:23,757
Wrong!
Trick question.

12
00:00:23,857 --> 00:00:26,094
"Law & Order" Fest
has no worst thing.

13
00:00:26,194 --> 00:00:27,895
It's all best.
Hayley, best?

14
00:00:27,995 --> 00:00:29,397
I met Ice-T.

15
00:00:29,497 --> 00:00:31,232
Ooh! Great best.
And best?

16
00:00:31,332 --> 00:00:33,567
Well, Ice-T and I bonded
while waiting in line

17
00:00:33,667 --> 00:00:36,237
for a Pulled Pork
from the Headlines sandwich.

18
00:00:36,337 --> 00:00:37,538
[ Dramatic tone plays ]

19
00:00:37,638 --> 00:00:38,972
Wrong!
That's still just meeting Ice-T.

20
00:00:39,073 --> 00:00:41,242
That's one thing.
-Well, we really connected.

21
00:00:41,342 --> 00:00:43,977
I told him about my passion
for women's rights,

22
00:00:44,078 --> 00:00:46,280
and he confided in me
that he's really good at sex.

23
00:00:46,380 --> 00:00:48,482
You wasted your fest.
Check out what I got.

24
00:00:48,582 --> 00:00:51,785
A poster of every actor who
played a judge on the show,

25
00:00:51,885 --> 00:00:53,154
signed
by the three of them

26
00:00:53,254 --> 00:00:54,922
who now work
at the convention center.

27
00:00:55,022 --> 00:00:56,390
That's just
one thing, too.

28
00:00:56,490 --> 00:00:58,659
Of the 87 things
I did.

29
00:00:58,759 --> 00:01:00,961
88 if you count
stealing the clarinet

30
00:01:01,061 --> 00:01:03,464
played in the opening credits,
which I do.

31
00:01:03,564 --> 00:01:05,399
[ Clarinet note plays ]

32
00:01:05,499 --> 00:01:09,237
I heard it!
Play it again, you coward!

33
00:01:09,337 --> 00:01:11,439
I'm not a coward,
Francine.

34
00:01:11,539 --> 00:01:15,576
Then let's blow it together,
outlaw.

35
00:01:15,676 --> 00:01:18,146
[ Both moaning ]

36
00:01:23,584 --> 00:01:25,819
Every year.

37
00:01:25,919 --> 00:01:28,656
**

38
00:01:28,756 --> 00:01:31,259
* Good morning, U.S.A.

39
00:01:31,359 --> 00:01:35,095
* I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day *

40
00:01:35,196 --> 00:01:38,199
* The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face *

41
00:01:38,299 --> 00:01:42,536
* And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race *

42
00:01:42,636 --> 00:01:44,438
**

43
00:01:44,538 --> 00:01:47,875
* Oh, boy, it's swell to say

44
00:01:47,975 --> 00:01:50,378
* Good --
* Good morning, U.S.A.

45
00:01:50,478 --> 00:01:51,479
Aah!

46
00:01:52,846 --> 00:01:55,883
* Good morning, U.S.A.

47
00:01:55,983 --> 00:01:58,386
**

48
00:01:58,486 --> 00:02:01,189
Isn't it funny how some days
there's no mail,

49
00:02:01,289 --> 00:02:03,624
and other days,
there's a whole bunch?

50
00:02:03,724 --> 00:02:09,363
[ Laughing
uncontrollably ]

51
00:02:09,463 --> 00:02:11,665
Stan, are you being
mean to me right now?

52
00:02:11,765 --> 00:02:13,701
I don't know, Francine,
that's not for me to judge.

53
00:02:13,801 --> 00:02:15,236
The Census form!

54
00:02:15,336 --> 00:02:17,305
* It's here, it's here,
I've waited 10 years *

55
00:02:17,405 --> 00:02:18,972
* The Census
is finally here *

56
00:02:19,072 --> 00:02:21,008
* Throw up a window
and let out a cheer *

57
00:02:21,108 --> 00:02:22,710
* And now my family sings

58
00:02:23,877 --> 00:02:26,580
Really? You guys aren't gonna
sing the Census song?

59
00:02:26,680 --> 00:02:28,182
Aren't you excited
about the Census?

60
00:02:28,282 --> 00:02:32,085
I think Steve has forgotten
what the "Stensus" even is.

61
00:02:32,186 --> 00:02:33,587
Oh, boy.

62
00:02:33,687 --> 00:02:35,589
Well, do you want to explain
it to him, or should I?

63
00:02:35,689 --> 00:02:39,092
You better do it, Stan.
I'm too upset with this one.

64
00:02:39,193 --> 00:02:41,862
Every 10 years,
America takes off its shirt

65
00:02:41,962 --> 00:02:45,666
and flexes its muscles to show
the world how swole it is.

66
00:02:45,766 --> 00:02:48,269
Stan, Hayley seems
a bit confused.

67
00:02:48,369 --> 00:02:50,438
Let's step that out
a bit for her.

68
00:02:50,538 --> 00:02:53,407
The Census is about counting how
many people live in America.

69
00:02:53,507 --> 00:02:55,509
The number
of people, Hayley.

70
00:02:55,609 --> 00:02:57,545
The United States has
the biggest population

71
00:02:57,645 --> 00:02:59,280
of any country
in the Western world.

72
00:02:59,380 --> 00:03:02,216
The Western world, Hayley.
Look it up.

73
00:03:02,316 --> 00:03:05,619
And every 10 years,
we find out how big we are.

74
00:03:05,719 --> 00:03:07,355
Then we rub it
in everyone's face.

75
00:03:07,455 --> 00:03:09,623
Stan, you seem really
passionate.

76
00:03:09,723 --> 00:03:11,525
You're reading me correctly,
Francine.

77
00:03:11,625 --> 00:03:14,362
So you probably already realize
I'm gonna be an enumerator.

78
00:03:14,462 --> 00:03:16,564
Oh, those are the people
that go door to door

79
00:03:16,664 --> 00:03:17,898
and do the counting, right?

80
00:03:17,998 --> 00:03:21,101
People? No!
They're heroes, patriots.

81
00:03:21,201 --> 00:03:23,404
Enumerators are
the best of the best,

82
00:03:23,504 --> 00:03:25,573
the only ones who truly
earn the right

83
00:03:25,673 --> 00:03:27,308
to call themselves
"top gun."

84
00:03:27,408 --> 00:03:29,477
Okay, but to be clear,
this is a job, right?

85
00:03:29,577 --> 00:03:31,044
Because I could use a job.

86
00:03:31,144 --> 00:03:34,815
Yeah, it's a job for motivated
individuals like myself.

87
00:03:34,915 --> 00:03:37,251
Not for lazy Hayleys
like you.

88
00:03:37,351 --> 00:03:39,387
You spent six hours
at a "Law & Order" Fest

89
00:03:39,487 --> 00:03:41,722
and only counted one person --
Ice-T.

90
00:03:41,822 --> 00:03:43,391
I wasn't trying
to count people.

91
00:03:43,491 --> 00:03:45,326
[ Mockingly ] "I wasn't trying
to count people."

92
00:03:45,426 --> 00:03:47,328
Do you think that's something
an enumerator

93
00:03:47,428 --> 00:03:48,896
has ever said
in their life? No!

94
00:03:48,996 --> 00:03:50,298
NARRATOR:
All right, Dadders,

95
00:03:50,398 --> 00:03:52,633
we learned a lot of stuff
in this scene.

96
00:03:52,733 --> 00:03:54,568
I hope you were taking
detailed notes

97
00:03:54,668 --> 00:03:56,304
'cause this is a pop quiz!

98
00:03:56,404 --> 00:03:59,139
Who is excited
about counting people?

99
00:03:59,239 --> 00:04:01,008
Is it "A," Stan,

100
00:04:01,108 --> 00:04:02,310
"B," the mom,

101
00:04:02,410 --> 00:04:04,445
"C," little glasses guy,

102
00:04:04,545 --> 00:04:07,815
or "D," the lady
Stan's been arguing with?

103
00:04:10,684 --> 00:04:12,320
**

104
00:04:14,988 --> 00:04:17,925
What? What?

105
00:04:18,025 --> 00:04:19,460
It's just...

106
00:04:19,560 --> 00:04:21,829
I never noticed it before,
Steve,

107
00:04:21,929 --> 00:04:24,598
but you have incredible
bone structure.

108
00:04:24,698 --> 00:04:26,266
Klaus!

109
00:04:26,367 --> 00:04:28,836
You're making me turn shy.

110
00:04:28,936 --> 00:04:31,705
I'm just trying to pass
through the living room.

111
00:04:31,805 --> 00:04:34,508
Sorry, but I've been looking
at everything differently

112
00:04:34,608 --> 00:04:37,378
since my uncle died and left me
his Hasselblad camera.

113
00:04:37,478 --> 00:04:41,482
Would you be interested
in modeling for me?

114
00:04:41,582 --> 00:04:44,385
Modeling for you?
I don't know.

115
00:04:44,485 --> 00:04:46,454
It was
my only uncle, Steve.

116
00:04:46,554 --> 00:04:49,623
And the odds of my grandparents
crapping out a new uncle

117
00:04:49,723 --> 00:04:51,459
are pretty low
at this point.

118
00:04:51,559 --> 00:04:54,462
Do you think I could just take
a few shots of you

119
00:04:54,562 --> 00:04:55,663
with his camera?

120
00:04:55,763 --> 00:04:57,297
I guess.

121
00:04:57,398 --> 00:04:59,700
Great!
Snot and the boys are also in.

122
00:04:59,800 --> 00:05:01,569
You spoke to my friends
without me?

123
00:05:01,669 --> 00:05:03,203
Yeah, at Toshi's
birthday party.

124
00:05:03,303 --> 00:05:04,405
Not the one you went to.

125
00:05:04,505 --> 00:05:06,807
The more exclusive one
at Benihana.

126
00:05:06,907 --> 00:05:09,977
Our parents dropped us off,
and we paid the check ourselves.

127
00:05:10,077 --> 00:05:12,480
**

128
00:05:12,580 --> 00:05:16,717
Wow, we even completed a Census
right after World War I.

129
00:05:16,817 --> 00:05:18,051
Gosh, when the war ends,

130
00:05:18,151 --> 00:05:20,153
you think you're done
being a hero.

131
00:05:20,253 --> 00:05:22,255
Francine would probably
want to know this.

132
00:05:23,391 --> 00:05:24,558
Don't touch me.

133
00:05:24,658 --> 00:05:26,259
But it's about the Census,
Francine!

134
00:05:26,360 --> 00:05:29,196
Everything's
about your stupid Census!

135
00:05:29,296 --> 00:05:32,900
Stan, your enumerator training
starts tomorrow.

136
00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:35,569
Put down your pamphlet
and go to sleep.

137
00:05:35,669 --> 00:05:37,838
You're right,
you're right.

138
00:05:46,614 --> 00:05:47,881
You know what?

139
00:05:47,981 --> 00:05:50,418
I'm gonna go to the bathroom
real quick.

140
00:05:50,518 --> 00:05:54,788
Famous Census alumni.
Whoa, Sidney Poitier?

141
00:05:54,888 --> 00:05:57,057
Guess who's counting
two dinners?

142
00:05:57,157 --> 00:05:59,593
Francine,
did you hear that one?

143
00:05:59,693 --> 00:06:02,530
ROGER: I heard, Stan!
The attic loved it!

144
00:06:02,630 --> 00:06:04,965
**

145
00:06:06,400 --> 00:06:08,235
Through this door,

146
00:06:08,335 --> 00:06:11,405
giants, square jaws,
stiff collars,

147
00:06:11,505 --> 00:06:13,607
brave hearts pumping
thick red blood

148
00:06:13,707 --> 00:06:15,543
through strong American veins.

149
00:06:15,643 --> 00:06:18,612
God, I'm getting a boner.
They'll understand, though.

150
00:06:18,712 --> 00:06:20,614
They'll see it
as a sign of respect.

151
00:06:20,714 --> 00:06:22,416
Whoo!

152
00:06:22,516 --> 00:06:25,419
Enumerators! Mount up!

153
00:06:25,519 --> 00:06:27,387
What is this?
What am I looking at here?

154
00:06:27,488 --> 00:06:30,157
Stan, you're here
for the Census?

155
00:06:30,257 --> 00:06:31,992
Yeah,
did it switch rooms?

156
00:06:32,092 --> 00:06:33,994
No, you're
in the right place.

157
00:06:34,094 --> 00:06:37,498
Hey, get this.
I'm the foreman!

158
00:06:37,598 --> 00:06:41,502
That means I'm in charge.
Me! Tuttle!

159
00:06:41,602 --> 00:06:45,105
But Census enumerators are --
are hard-charging broncos.

160
00:06:45,205 --> 00:06:48,341
All these people,
they're losers.

161
00:06:48,442 --> 00:06:50,944
That woman's wearing a
sweatshirt with a wolf on it.

162
00:06:51,044 --> 00:06:52,646
How's she gonna count
America?

163
00:06:52,746 --> 00:06:55,315
Do I see a bald man
with a ponytail?

164
00:06:55,415 --> 00:06:56,650
I don't get it either.

165
00:06:56,750 --> 00:06:58,351
This is a disaster!

166
00:06:59,019 --> 00:07:01,522
This guy?
Look at her! Him?

167
00:07:01,622 --> 00:07:02,990
And I hate to do this,

168
00:07:03,090 --> 00:07:04,658
but I got to double back
to my boy!

169
00:07:04,758 --> 00:07:07,661
Guess I'm just gonna have to
count everyone myself.

170
00:07:07,761 --> 00:07:09,630
HAYLEY: Just the ones
I don't get to, chump.

171
00:07:09,730 --> 00:07:12,833
That's right.
Lazy Hayley joined the Census,

172
00:07:12,933 --> 00:07:15,335
and now she's gonna crank
some numbers.

173
00:07:15,435 --> 00:07:18,105
Yeah, right.
You're gonna...crank numbers?

174
00:07:18,205 --> 00:07:19,673
That sounds really cool.

175
00:07:19,773 --> 00:07:21,975
I wish -- I wish I said that.

176
00:07:22,075 --> 00:07:24,845
I did say it. Wow.

177
00:07:24,945 --> 00:07:26,947
I'm the one who's
gonna crank numbers.

178
00:07:27,047 --> 00:07:29,282
You're not gonna crank shit,
old man.

179
00:07:29,382 --> 00:07:32,052
Old man?
Oh, ho, ho.

180
00:07:32,152 --> 00:07:33,954
I'm gonna crank
all sorts of numbers.

181
00:07:34,054 --> 00:07:36,123
Yeah? Well, I'm gonna crank
your whole world.

182
00:07:36,223 --> 00:07:37,991
I'm gonna crank it up,
I'm gonna crank it down.

183
00:07:38,091 --> 00:07:39,493
I'm gonna crank it all around.

184
00:07:39,593 --> 00:07:41,061
I'm gonna roast you
for Cranksgiving dinner

185
00:07:41,161 --> 00:07:42,896
and then roll right into
Christmas with the Cranks!

186
00:07:42,996 --> 00:07:44,832
Not gonna matter 'cause
I'm the New York Crankees.

187
00:07:44,865 --> 00:07:45,866
I'm Crank Aaron.

188
00:07:45,966 --> 00:07:46,867
I'm Crank Azaria.

189
00:07:46,967 --> 00:07:48,035
I'm Cranklin and Bash.

190
00:07:48,135 --> 00:07:49,302
"Franklin & Bash"
was canceled.

191
00:07:49,402 --> 00:07:50,403
That's disappointing.

192
00:07:50,504 --> 00:07:51,572
I know,
I really liked it.

193
00:07:56,309 --> 00:07:58,345
-You shouldn't be here.
-You're just scared

194
00:07:58,445 --> 00:08:00,313
'cause I'm gonna count
so many more people than you.

195
00:08:00,413 --> 00:08:02,550
Please. You couldn't even
count as many

196
00:08:02,650 --> 00:08:04,752
as this lobotomized
half-wit Jim here.

197
00:08:04,885 --> 00:08:07,254
Jim, can you believe
what I have to deal with here?

198
00:08:07,354 --> 00:08:08,589
Jim, I've been calling
you "Jim."

199
00:08:08,689 --> 00:08:10,157
Is that --
Is that your name, Jim?

200
00:08:10,257 --> 00:08:11,825
Now listen up.

201
00:08:11,925 --> 00:08:14,327
During a Census, things can get
pretty hot and heavy

202
00:08:14,427 --> 00:08:16,063
out on the streets.

203
00:08:16,163 --> 00:08:18,699
Beautiful Americans will be
throwing themselves at you.

204
00:08:18,799 --> 00:08:20,701
Now, I'm not saying don't get
your rocks off,

205
00:08:20,801 --> 00:08:22,836
but here's a little piece
of advice

206
00:08:22,936 --> 00:08:25,005
I wish someone had given me,
Tuttle,

207
00:08:25,105 --> 00:08:28,041
before I juiced
an entire city block.

208
00:08:28,141 --> 00:08:31,679
Do not fall in love.

209
00:08:31,779 --> 00:08:34,514
[ Door creaks ]

210
00:08:34,615 --> 00:08:36,516
[ Sighs ] Great.

211
00:08:36,617 --> 00:08:38,251
Look what you dragged in
with you, Hayley.

212
00:08:38,351 --> 00:08:39,553
Hello.

213
00:08:39,653 --> 00:08:41,454
My doctor recommended
I volunteer

214
00:08:41,555 --> 00:08:44,124
to get over
my crippling social anxiety.

215
00:08:44,224 --> 00:08:45,726
How's my eye contact?

216
00:08:45,826 --> 00:08:47,260
STAN: Sit down!

217
00:08:50,397 --> 00:08:53,100
So, what are -- what are you,
like a "Rain Man" shy guy?

218
00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:54,434
Some kind
of "Lovely Bones"?

219
00:08:54,534 --> 00:08:56,036
Or are you just
giving Jim here

220
00:08:56,136 --> 00:08:57,905
a run for his money
for troglodyte of the year?

221
00:08:58,005 --> 00:09:00,307
[ Chuckles ] You better go tell
the other bog people

222
00:09:00,407 --> 00:09:02,475
there's a new king of the creeps
in town, huh?

223
00:09:02,576 --> 00:09:04,645
Jimbo! [ Laughs ]

224
00:09:04,745 --> 00:09:07,214
[ Pop music plays ]

225
00:09:07,314 --> 00:09:08,916
Remember, gentlemen.

226
00:09:09,016 --> 00:09:11,719
These pictures are to honor
my late uncle's incredible life.

227
00:09:11,819 --> 00:09:13,587
Klaus, why are we dressed
like flowers?

228
00:09:13,687 --> 00:09:16,123
Because you're
in a flower pot, baby.

229
00:09:16,223 --> 00:09:18,225
Doesn't some lady already
take photos like this,

230
00:09:18,325 --> 00:09:19,426
but with babies?

231
00:09:19,526 --> 00:09:21,595
Are you referring
to Anne Geddes?

232
00:09:21,695 --> 00:09:23,764
Never heard of her,
and models don't talk!

233
00:09:23,864 --> 00:09:25,298
[ Snaps fingers ]

234
00:09:25,398 --> 00:09:27,467
About that,
when you said models,

235
00:09:27,567 --> 00:09:29,269
we thought you meant
something cool

236
00:09:29,369 --> 00:09:31,271
like Abercrombie
or Stussy.

237
00:09:31,371 --> 00:09:32,940
Or model airplanes.

238
00:09:33,040 --> 00:09:34,141
[ Gasps ]

239
00:09:34,241 --> 00:09:35,609
Do you see this, Jurgen?

240
00:09:35,709 --> 00:09:37,144
Yeah.

241
00:09:37,244 --> 00:09:39,913
Uh, you know what?
Everyone get out. Take five.

242
00:09:40,013 --> 00:09:41,615
Finally.
Thank you.

243
00:09:41,715 --> 00:09:43,083
-Except Barry.
-Wait, what?

244
00:09:43,183 --> 00:09:45,352
All non-essentials
please clear frame.

245
00:09:46,987 --> 00:09:50,590
Now, Barry, do you know what
"Barry" is short for?

246
00:09:50,691 --> 00:09:52,693
Barracuda, baby!

247
00:09:52,793 --> 00:09:55,262
Now bite me like the scary fish
you are!

248
00:09:55,362 --> 00:09:56,196
[ Camera shutter clicking ]

249
00:09:57,831 --> 00:10:00,333
Okay, we're gonna run
a little training exercise

250
00:10:00,433 --> 00:10:02,169
to learn how
to fill out forms.

251
00:10:02,269 --> 00:10:06,139
Hayley, why don't you knock
on this citizen's door?

252
00:10:06,239 --> 00:10:07,675
Knock, knock.

253
00:10:07,775 --> 00:10:11,278
There's someone at your door,
Mr. Taffarelli.

254
00:10:11,378 --> 00:10:12,980
But I don't know
who it is.

255
00:10:13,080 --> 00:10:15,048
Maybe
look who it is.

256
00:10:15,148 --> 00:10:17,317
It's a girl.

257
00:10:17,417 --> 00:10:19,853
I'm gonna slide some taffy
through the doggy door.

258
00:10:22,189 --> 00:10:23,824
Enough!

259
00:10:24,491 --> 00:10:25,893
[ Grunts ] One!

260
00:10:25,993 --> 00:10:28,161
That's how you count people.
Training's over.

261
00:10:28,261 --> 00:10:30,130
[ Robot voice ]
Initiate people-counting robot.

262
00:10:30,230 --> 00:10:31,498
No count Jim.

263
00:10:31,598 --> 00:10:33,901
Jim equals subhuman garbage.

264
00:10:34,001 --> 00:10:37,337
Lighten up, Jim.
Just a robot joke.

265
00:10:37,437 --> 00:10:39,472
[ Normal voice ]
You should be dead, Jim.

266
00:10:39,572 --> 00:10:40,841
[ Doorbell rings ]

267
00:10:40,941 --> 00:10:41,975
[ Pen clicks ]

268
00:10:42,075 --> 00:10:43,343
How many people
live here?

269
00:10:43,443 --> 00:10:45,078
-Me and my mom.
-So two.

270
00:10:45,178 --> 00:10:46,179
-My dad...
-Three.

271
00:10:46,279 --> 00:10:47,347
-...died.
-Two.

272
00:10:47,447 --> 00:10:49,082
You wasted my time
a little bit.

273
00:10:49,182 --> 00:10:50,550
Hi, I'm with
the U.S. Census.

274
00:10:50,650 --> 00:10:52,385
I just need a brief moment
of your time.

275
00:10:52,485 --> 00:10:54,855
Of course.
Come on in.

276
00:10:54,955 --> 00:10:56,757
I was just about
to make some tea.

277
00:10:56,857 --> 00:10:58,025
I really can't.

278
00:10:58,125 --> 00:10:59,693
I have a lot of houses
to get to.

279
00:10:59,793 --> 00:11:03,063
I have some ancient Clamatos
I've been saving.

280
00:11:04,231 --> 00:11:08,068
My name...is Wilbur.

281
00:11:08,168 --> 00:11:10,270
Kentucky.

282
00:11:10,370 --> 00:11:12,205
Roger?

283
00:11:12,305 --> 00:11:14,207
[ Gulping ]

284
00:11:14,307 --> 00:11:17,745
Wow. You're really packing away
this Clamato.

285
00:11:17,845 --> 00:11:19,579
Oh, yeah.
So, it's just you

286
00:11:19,679 --> 00:11:21,782
living in this beautiful
old house?

287
00:11:21,882 --> 00:11:24,351
Yep.
Lived here 40 years.

288
00:11:24,451 --> 00:11:26,754
Seen a lot of people
come and go.

289
00:11:26,854 --> 00:11:28,889
You know,
I could use some help.

290
00:11:28,989 --> 00:11:31,358
I knocked on the house two doors
down, but no one answered.

291
00:11:31,458 --> 00:11:33,460
Oh, that's
Shelly Vernicheck.

292
00:11:33,560 --> 00:11:35,062
Sad, really.

293
00:11:35,162 --> 00:11:37,798
Husband up and left her
years ago.

294
00:11:37,898 --> 00:11:42,402
Now she sits at home
playing solitaire on her iPad.

295
00:11:42,502 --> 00:11:44,805
She's internationally
ranked

296
00:11:44,905 --> 00:11:48,742
as one of the loneliest women
in the world.

297
00:11:48,842 --> 00:11:50,443
Biscotti?

298
00:11:52,279 --> 00:11:54,047
Oh, hey, Hayley.

299
00:11:54,147 --> 00:11:56,917
Quick update.
I'm just leaving my 15th house.

300
00:11:57,017 --> 00:11:58,551
Probably a record --
Googled it.

301
00:11:58,651 --> 00:12:00,720
But seems like people might not
be keeping records,

302
00:12:00,821 --> 00:12:03,290
but safe to say my pace
is historic.

303
00:12:03,390 --> 00:12:05,893
Wow, that's a lot.

304
00:12:05,993 --> 00:12:07,727
I spent all morning
at one house.

305
00:12:07,828 --> 00:12:09,296
Ha! No surprise.

306
00:12:09,396 --> 00:12:13,166
My slug of a daughter slowly
sliming her way around town.

307
00:12:13,266 --> 00:12:14,835
-Where...
-Don't touch salt.

308
00:12:14,935 --> 00:12:17,504
...I met a nice woman
named Phyllis

309
00:12:17,604 --> 00:12:19,807
who gave me
20 other houses.

310
00:12:23,576 --> 00:12:25,512
Whoa!
That house looks cool.

311
00:12:25,612 --> 00:12:27,948
Cool because
I haven't counted it yet.

312
00:12:28,048 --> 00:12:31,451
[ Laughs ] I'ma count a bunch
of mother[bleep] in here.

313
00:12:31,551 --> 00:12:33,586
[ Doorbell rings ]

314
00:12:33,686 --> 00:12:35,122
[ Door creaks ]

315
00:12:35,222 --> 00:12:38,158
Stan Smith, Census enumerator.
Prepare to be counted.

316
00:12:38,258 --> 00:12:39,626
[ Grunts ]

317
00:12:51,671 --> 00:12:52,873
Hey, Mr. Tuttle.

318
00:12:52,973 --> 00:12:54,274
Here are my forms
from yesterday.

319
00:12:54,374 --> 00:12:55,775
I got 25 houses.

320
00:12:55,876 --> 00:12:59,612
25? Wow!
That's the best anybody did.

321
00:12:59,712 --> 00:13:00,680
So I beat my dad?

322
00:13:00,780 --> 00:13:03,550
Yeah.
By 25, to be exact.

323
00:13:03,650 --> 00:13:05,185
[ Laughs ]
I'm being playful.

324
00:13:05,285 --> 00:13:07,187
He didn't turn anything in.
Never even came back.

325
00:13:07,287 --> 00:13:10,357
And he wasn't at home.
Weird.

326
00:13:10,457 --> 00:13:12,159
What's weird is that I've been
rocking in the corner

327
00:13:12,259 --> 00:13:14,895
for 6 hours and no one's said
a word to me.

328
00:13:14,995 --> 00:13:16,729
Well, when we try
to talk to you,

329
00:13:16,830 --> 00:13:19,499
you just start screaming and
punching yourself in the --

330
00:13:19,599 --> 00:13:22,802
[ Screaming ]

331
00:13:24,504 --> 00:13:26,373
[ Groans ]
Where am I?

332
00:13:26,473 --> 00:13:28,508
In the pit!

333
00:13:28,608 --> 00:13:29,676
Are we prisoners here?

334
00:13:29,776 --> 00:13:31,344
Yep!

335
00:13:31,444 --> 00:13:35,148
[ Dramatic tones play ]

336
00:13:35,248 --> 00:13:37,750
My name's Kevin!
Let me give you the tour.

337
00:13:39,052 --> 00:13:41,554
Okay, did you look
everywhere I looked?

338
00:13:41,654 --> 00:13:43,690
Then you must've seen
this handsome gent.

339
00:13:43,790 --> 00:13:47,094
That's Robbie, and you just
missed Rich and Carl.

340
00:13:47,194 --> 00:13:49,396
Robbie's grumpy
'cause we have to poop

341
00:13:49,496 --> 00:13:51,331
in that smaller pit
over there,

342
00:13:51,431 --> 00:13:55,402
but I stay positive, probably
'cause this isn't my first pit.

343
00:13:55,502 --> 00:13:57,770
I was imprisoned
in Madison, Indiana, once.

344
00:13:57,871 --> 00:14:00,440
Beautiful Craftsman,
huge porch.

345
00:14:00,540 --> 00:14:02,275
Of course I wasn't allowed
up on the porch,

346
00:14:02,375 --> 00:14:04,377
but I saw it when I was
carried out in a blanket.

347
00:14:04,477 --> 00:14:07,214
Who did this to you?
That would be the master.

348
00:14:07,314 --> 00:14:08,781
Who's the master?

349
00:14:08,882 --> 00:14:11,551
The master's the psycho
who just skinned Rich and Carl.

350
00:14:11,651 --> 00:14:14,387
Skinned?
Same way we're gonna be.

351
00:14:14,487 --> 00:14:18,025
Robbie, don't you realize when
you're at the bottom of a pit,

352
00:14:18,125 --> 00:14:20,427
there's nowhere to go -- except
for the punishment shed --

353
00:14:20,527 --> 00:14:21,794
but up?

354
00:14:21,895 --> 00:14:23,730
[ Pop music plays ]

355
00:14:23,830 --> 00:14:26,799
KLAUS: Yes, yes, Barry!
You're a delicious cabbage.

356
00:14:26,900 --> 00:14:28,101
Mmm-mmm-mmm!

357
00:14:28,201 --> 00:14:30,403
I want to ferment you
and make kimchi!

358
00:14:30,503 --> 00:14:33,974
Not to sound catty, but don't
you hate the way Barry looks?

359
00:14:34,074 --> 00:14:36,243
Yeah, he's our
ugliest friend, easy.

360
00:14:36,343 --> 00:14:38,311
I want to shred you up
real good

361
00:14:38,411 --> 00:14:40,580
and spread you
over some fish tacos.

362
00:14:40,680 --> 00:14:43,216
Is there anything
you can't be?

363
00:14:43,316 --> 00:14:45,285
I don't know.
A carrot?

364
00:14:45,385 --> 00:14:47,955
Are you kidding me?
You would be the best carrot.

365
00:14:48,055 --> 00:14:50,223
Steve, get out
of that carrot costume!

366
00:14:50,323 --> 00:14:51,959
Kiss-ass bitch.

367
00:14:52,059 --> 00:14:54,261
Surprised Barry
can even talk

368
00:14:54,361 --> 00:14:56,796
with Klaus' [bleep]
in his mouth.

369
00:14:56,896 --> 00:14:59,666
I'm so sorry to bother you,
but I'm looking for my dad.

370
00:14:59,766 --> 00:15:02,069
He was out late last night
working in the area,

371
00:15:02,169 --> 00:15:03,303
and he never came home.

372
00:15:03,403 --> 00:15:04,404
Never seen him before.

373
00:15:04,504 --> 00:15:06,573
Hmm.
Maybe your wife has?

374
00:15:06,673 --> 00:15:09,409
Maybe my husband has.

375
00:15:09,509 --> 00:15:11,778
Of course.
Could I speak with him?

376
00:15:11,878 --> 00:15:15,148
I wish! He just up and left me
a month ago, not even a note.

377
00:15:15,248 --> 00:15:18,785
God, did you have to
bring him up?!

378
00:15:18,885 --> 00:15:21,421
Husband just up and left.

379
00:15:21,521 --> 00:15:23,290
Like Shelly Vernicheck!

380
00:15:23,390 --> 00:15:25,125
Oh, glad you're excited.

381
00:15:25,225 --> 00:15:28,328
Well, every day is agony
for me!

382
00:15:28,428 --> 00:15:29,997
I'm sorry.
I-I didn't mean --

383
00:15:30,097 --> 00:15:32,932
Oh, don't you dare
pity me.

384
00:15:33,033 --> 00:15:36,636
I'll show you!
I'll find another man!

385
00:15:36,736 --> 00:15:39,973
I haven't even begun looking
in earnest, but guess what --

386
00:15:40,073 --> 00:15:42,475
Now it begins!

387
00:15:42,575 --> 00:15:45,345
I am going to have sex
tonight

388
00:15:45,445 --> 00:15:49,382
on the outdoor dance floor
at the Blue Rooster!

389
00:15:49,482 --> 00:15:51,951
Next to the smoking area.

390
00:15:52,052 --> 00:15:53,653
[ Laughs maniacally ]

391
00:15:53,753 --> 00:15:56,023
I'm back, baby!

392
00:15:56,123 --> 00:15:59,359
**

393
00:15:59,459 --> 00:16:02,729
**

394
00:16:02,829 --> 00:16:05,365
It's not just Shelly Vernicheck.

395
00:16:05,465 --> 00:16:07,700
Lots of the women, and men,

396
00:16:07,800 --> 00:16:10,203
I talked to have had
their husbands go missing.

397
00:16:10,303 --> 00:16:12,305
[ Dramatic tone plays ]

398
00:16:12,405 --> 00:16:15,308
I did think it was strange
when Jasper left.

399
00:16:15,408 --> 00:16:16,876
We were best friends.

400
00:16:16,976 --> 00:16:18,678
I thought he would've
at least left a note.

401
00:16:18,778 --> 00:16:20,247
Ma'am, ma'am?

402
00:16:20,347 --> 00:16:22,482
You know, you should talk
to Darlene McKinnon.

403
00:16:22,582 --> 00:16:24,151
Same thing
happened to her.

404
00:16:24,251 --> 00:16:26,053
[ Gasps ]

405
00:16:26,153 --> 00:16:27,887
Man, first Jasper,
now this.

406
00:16:27,987 --> 00:16:30,490
The hits
just keep on coming.

407
00:16:30,590 --> 00:16:32,392
[ Dramatic tone plays ]

408
00:16:32,492 --> 00:16:35,262
Yeah, that S.O.B.
up and left me, so what?

409
00:16:35,362 --> 00:16:37,864
Just gives me more time
to golf anyway.

410
00:16:37,964 --> 00:16:41,034
I'm a lady golfer.
That is what I enjoy doing.

411
00:16:41,134 --> 00:16:44,504
By the way, same thing happened
to my buddy Joanne Graves.

412
00:16:44,604 --> 00:16:46,606
She lives
at 20 Poplar Avenue.

413
00:16:46,706 --> 00:16:50,543
Usually gets home
around, uh, 2:46 P.M.

414
00:16:50,643 --> 00:16:52,679
[ Dramatic tone plays ]

415
00:16:53,713 --> 00:16:55,115
[ Brakes squeal ]

416
00:16:55,215 --> 00:16:56,849
-Excuse me.
-Aah!

417
00:16:56,949 --> 00:16:58,051
Did your husband
leave you?

418
00:16:58,151 --> 00:16:59,886
Yes, why?
Do you know something?

419
00:16:59,986 --> 00:17:01,421
Have you heard
from him?!

420
00:17:01,521 --> 00:17:04,257
Sorry, I can't talk.
I have to go put a pin in a map.

421
00:17:06,393 --> 00:17:10,897
There's a pattern here.
But what?

422
00:17:10,997 --> 00:17:12,465
Must be
a pretty special house

423
00:17:12,565 --> 00:17:14,867
to have all those arrows
pointing at it.

424
00:17:15,902 --> 00:17:17,137
[ Gasps ]

425
00:17:17,237 --> 00:17:19,439
You know, your father
shaves his pubic hair

426
00:17:19,539 --> 00:17:20,773
in the shape
of an arrow.

427
00:17:20,873 --> 00:17:22,775
Oh, I did it again.

428
00:17:22,875 --> 00:17:25,745
I said something helpful,
and I went past it.

429
00:17:25,845 --> 00:17:27,547
[ Knock on door ]

430
00:17:27,647 --> 00:17:29,282
What can you tell me
about that house?

431
00:17:29,382 --> 00:17:30,483
Which house?

432
00:17:30,583 --> 00:17:32,319
That weird house
on the hill!

433
00:17:32,419 --> 00:17:33,886
My dad is missing,

434
00:17:33,986 --> 00:17:35,455
and I think it has
something to do with that house,

435
00:17:35,555 --> 00:17:37,224
but I knocked on the door
and no one answered,

436
00:17:37,324 --> 00:17:39,159
and you know everything about
the neighborhood and I just --

437
00:17:39,259 --> 00:17:42,129
Honey, take a breath.
Come inside, dear.

438
00:17:42,229 --> 00:17:47,934
I'll fix you a Clamato, and
we'll figure this out together.

439
00:17:50,903 --> 00:17:53,673
Phyllis, didn't you say you were
the only one living here?

440
00:17:53,773 --> 00:17:55,242
That's right.

441
00:17:55,342 --> 00:17:58,811
Then why do you have
two hats on your coat rack?

442
00:17:58,911 --> 00:18:02,749
And blueprints
for a man skin-suit?

443
00:18:02,849 --> 00:18:04,451
**

444
00:18:04,951 --> 00:18:05,952
[ Thunk, thud ]

445
00:18:06,052 --> 00:18:08,988
I can't have two hats?

446
00:18:09,088 --> 00:18:12,492
[ Pop music plays ]

447
00:18:12,592 --> 00:18:16,529
I feel like I've seen something
like this done before.

448
00:18:16,629 --> 00:18:18,165
No, no, it's all original.

449
00:18:18,265 --> 00:18:20,533
These are fresh ideas,
obviously, Barry.

450
00:18:20,633 --> 00:18:22,034
Can you lean in a little?

451
00:18:22,135 --> 00:18:24,671
I want to match the image
I have in my mind.

452
00:18:24,771 --> 00:18:26,973
What a shutter slut.

453
00:18:30,643 --> 00:18:31,811
You're right, Tosh.

454
00:18:31,911 --> 00:18:33,846
Barry is a fat,
talentless whore.

455
00:18:33,946 --> 00:18:36,383
But don't worry,
he's about to get his.

456
00:18:36,483 --> 00:18:38,685
Let's just say
I made a couple calls.

457
00:18:38,785 --> 00:18:39,852
[ Pounding on door ]

458
00:18:41,988 --> 00:18:45,158
Oh, no, it's Anne Geddes!
Jurgen, protect me!

459
00:18:45,258 --> 00:18:46,693
[ Sniffs ]

460
00:18:46,793 --> 00:18:50,397
[ Deep voice ] I smell
copyright infringement.

461
00:18:50,497 --> 00:18:52,565
Anne, Anne, please!

462
00:18:52,665 --> 00:18:55,235
We'll give you
a 10% licensing fee!

463
00:18:55,335 --> 00:18:56,903
Not enough!

464
00:19:00,006 --> 00:19:03,843
[ Screaming ]

465
00:19:03,943 --> 00:19:07,380
Don't hurt me, Anne Geddes!
I'm just a baby!

466
00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:10,250
You forgot one thing.

467
00:19:10,350 --> 00:19:12,419
I hate babies!

468
00:19:14,254 --> 00:19:15,188
[ All gasp ]

469
00:19:15,288 --> 00:19:17,257
[ Barry screaming ]

470
00:19:17,357 --> 00:19:18,691
[ Anne grunting ]

471
00:19:18,791 --> 00:19:20,393
[ Crashing ]

472
00:19:20,493 --> 00:19:23,996
PHYLLIS: * You say Clamato,
I say Clam-ah-to *

473
00:19:24,096 --> 00:19:25,865
* Clamato, Clam-ah-to

474
00:19:25,965 --> 00:19:28,034
* Clamato, Clam-ah-to

475
00:19:28,134 --> 00:19:31,003
* Let's take
the whole skin off *

476
00:19:32,339 --> 00:19:33,506
Where am I?

477
00:19:33,606 --> 00:19:35,242
Hayley, you're awake.

478
00:19:35,342 --> 00:19:37,577
I'm sorry
I was so rough on you.

479
00:19:37,677 --> 00:19:40,513
Well, I may have gotten
a little competitive

480
00:19:40,613 --> 00:19:43,716
and tried to ruin
your strange love of the Census.

481
00:19:43,816 --> 00:19:46,519
It's not strange, and Francine
loves it more than I do.

482
00:19:46,619 --> 00:19:48,688
Between you and me, I think
she takes it a little too far.

483
00:19:48,788 --> 00:19:50,623
Well, we're together now.

484
00:19:50,723 --> 00:19:53,293
Yeah, dying in a pit
with a really annoying guy.

485
00:19:53,393 --> 00:19:54,427
Named Kevin.

486
00:19:54,527 --> 00:19:56,563
[ Footsteps approaching ]

487
00:19:56,663 --> 00:19:58,130
Oh, no, she's back.

488
00:19:58,231 --> 00:20:00,400
She's gonna turn my nipples
into buttons.

489
00:20:00,500 --> 00:20:02,935
All that time we spent
counting people

490
00:20:03,035 --> 00:20:06,539
we should've spent
with the people that count.

491
00:20:06,639 --> 00:20:09,309
ICE-T:
Damn, that's poetic.

492
00:20:09,409 --> 00:20:10,543
What up, Hayley?

493
00:20:10,643 --> 00:20:11,811
-Ice-T?!
-Ice-T?!

494
00:20:11,911 --> 00:20:13,613
I got worried
when you didn't respond

495
00:20:13,713 --> 00:20:16,316
to an interesting text
I sent you about sharks.

496
00:20:16,416 --> 00:20:18,785
Used my TV detective skills
to find you,

497
00:20:18,885 --> 00:20:20,387
and it's a good thing, too.

498
00:20:20,487 --> 00:20:23,956
Sick old lady was gonna
turn you into a skin suit.

499
00:20:24,056 --> 00:20:26,593
Was working on a whole
skin suit wardrobe.

500
00:20:26,693 --> 00:20:28,661
Skin blouse, skin slacks,

501
00:20:28,761 --> 00:20:31,331
and a pair of skin sunglasses
she couldn't even see out of.

502
00:20:31,431 --> 00:20:32,732
Fly as hell, though.

503
00:20:32,832 --> 00:20:34,767
Tried them on after
I kicked her to death.

504
00:20:34,867 --> 00:20:37,169
Dad, I know
we're not competing anymore,

505
00:20:37,270 --> 00:20:38,605
but...my friend!

506
00:20:38,705 --> 00:20:40,273
I saved us!

507
00:20:40,373 --> 00:20:43,142
Stan, there's also
the matter of the clarinet.

508
00:20:43,242 --> 00:20:44,744
The clarinet, of course!

509
00:20:44,844 --> 00:20:46,112
So you're mainly
here for me!

510
00:20:46,212 --> 00:20:48,114
I'm the hero!
-KEVIN: Good job, Stan!

511
00:20:48,214 --> 00:20:50,917
Thanks, Kevin.
Hey, Kevin, have you met Ice-T?

512
00:20:51,017 --> 00:20:53,085
Oh, my God, Ice-T!

513
00:20:53,185 --> 00:20:57,324
I just got to say "Cop Killer"
is my absolutely favorite song.

514
00:20:57,424 --> 00:20:59,292
It got me
through boarding school.

515
00:20:59,392 --> 00:21:02,194
Boarding school
is corny.

516
00:21:02,295 --> 00:21:04,196
Bye-bye!
See you soon.

517
00:21:06,299 --> 00:21:08,000
-- Captions by VITA --