1 00:00:02,870 --> 00:00:04,872 You ever feel like every day of your life 2 00:00:04,972 --> 00:00:07,007 has been leading up to one moment? 3 00:00:07,108 --> 00:00:09,443 (Pachelbel's "Canon in D Major" plays) The wedding of the century, 4 00:00:09,543 --> 00:00:12,180 live on "Morning Mimosa!" 5 00:00:12,280 --> 00:00:15,283 (gasps) Look how nervous the groom looks. 6 00:00:15,383 --> 00:00:18,086 HAYLEY: Wait. This is a hamster wedding? 7 00:00:18,186 --> 00:00:19,287 Oh, here comes the bride. 8 00:00:19,387 --> 00:00:20,554 (Wagner's "Bridal Chorus" plays) 9 00:00:20,654 --> 00:00:22,190 She's radiant, 10 00:00:22,290 --> 00:00:26,094 like Kate Middleton at Westminster Abbey! 11 00:00:26,194 --> 00:00:27,361 This is so stupid. 12 00:00:27,461 --> 00:00:29,297 This show is all fluff, no substance. 13 00:00:29,397 --> 00:00:31,699 Your mom prefers fluff. It makes her happy. 14 00:00:31,799 --> 00:00:33,634 But there's so much real news out there. 15 00:00:33,734 --> 00:00:36,370 I feel like I get all I need from "Morning Mimosa!" 16 00:00:36,470 --> 00:00:38,072 and I start my day with a smile. 17 00:00:38,172 --> 00:00:39,473 And that smile takes me 18 00:00:39,573 --> 00:00:42,310 all the way to my 4:00 P.M. OxyContin. 19 00:00:42,410 --> 00:00:43,977 You need to expand your mind. 20 00:00:44,078 --> 00:00:45,446 There's a lot of real news out there, 21 00:00:45,546 --> 00:00:47,115 but you need to seek it out. (door closes) 22 00:00:47,215 --> 00:00:50,551 Seek the truth. The truth will set you free. 23 00:00:50,651 --> 00:00:51,919 Hey, who are you? 24 00:00:52,019 --> 00:00:53,654 Mom needs to get out of her bubble. 25 00:00:53,754 --> 00:00:54,988 And end up like you? 26 00:00:55,089 --> 00:00:56,590 Look what real news has done to you. 27 00:00:56,690 --> 00:00:58,826 Excuse me? Sir? Those scowl lines. 28 00:00:58,926 --> 00:01:00,161 Mom looks 20 years younger than you. 29 00:01:00,261 --> 00:01:01,395 -Sir! -20 years younger?! 30 00:01:01,495 --> 00:01:03,063 Wha-- I'm 19! 31 00:01:03,164 --> 00:01:05,999 TRISH: I now pronounce you hamster and wife. 32 00:01:06,100 --> 00:01:08,136 Hayley, I have something to tell you, 33 00:01:08,236 --> 00:01:10,138 but it can't leave this room. 34 00:01:10,238 --> 00:01:12,573 Last weekend, I was at that hamster's bachelor party 35 00:01:12,673 --> 00:01:14,442 in Key West, and he... 36 00:01:14,542 --> 00:01:17,077 Oh, my God. I can't believe I'm betraying his trust. 37 00:01:17,178 --> 00:01:18,812 He was not faithful. 38 00:01:18,912 --> 00:01:20,314 You missed my birthday dinner 39 00:01:20,414 --> 00:01:23,151 for a hamster bachelor party? 40 00:01:23,251 --> 00:01:25,486 (patriotic music plays) 41 00:01:25,586 --> 00:01:28,356 * Good morning, U.S.A. 42 00:01:28,456 --> 00:01:32,092 * I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day * 43 00:01:32,193 --> 00:01:35,429 * The sun in the sky has a smile on his face * 44 00:01:35,529 --> 00:01:39,667 * And he's shinin' a salute to the American race * 45 00:01:41,602 --> 00:01:44,672 * Oh, boy, it's swell to say 46 00:01:44,772 --> 00:01:46,974 * Good -- * Good morning, U.S.A. 47 00:01:47,074 --> 00:01:48,476 Aah! 48 00:01:49,610 --> 00:01:53,181 * Good morning, U.S.A. 49 00:01:53,281 --> 00:01:56,049 ** 50 00:01:56,150 --> 00:01:58,186 Welcome to Conspiracy Con! 51 00:01:58,286 --> 00:02:00,854 Will you be paying with untraceable bitcoin or... 52 00:02:00,954 --> 00:02:02,690 A big jar of filthy change. 53 00:02:02,790 --> 00:02:04,292 Nice. Keepin' it O.G. 54 00:02:04,392 --> 00:02:06,727 Now, here's your badge and two pumps of deer urine 55 00:02:06,827 --> 00:02:08,996 to repel Bigfoot -- and a little CK One 56 00:02:09,096 --> 00:02:11,699 because now you smell like piss. 57 00:02:11,799 --> 00:02:13,834 Roger, who are these people? 58 00:02:13,934 --> 00:02:15,703 They're here for Conspiracy Con. 59 00:02:15,803 --> 00:02:18,172 They're truth seekers looking for a safe haven 60 00:02:18,272 --> 00:02:19,573 from our corporate overlords. 61 00:02:19,673 --> 00:02:21,175 Trust no one... 62 00:02:21,275 --> 00:02:22,676 except Verizon's 4G Network. 63 00:02:22,776 --> 00:02:25,213 I may have let a few corporate overlords in. 64 00:02:25,313 --> 00:02:27,481 Lizard people have infiltrated everything -- 65 00:02:27,581 --> 00:02:30,418 the government, sports, even Tinsel Town! 66 00:02:30,518 --> 00:02:31,585 Elizabeth Taylor?! 67 00:02:31,685 --> 00:02:33,887 You mean "E-lizard-beth" Taylor? 68 00:02:33,987 --> 00:02:34,988 Ryan Gosling? 69 00:02:35,088 --> 00:02:36,023 Very lizard. 70 00:02:36,123 --> 00:02:37,258 (gasps) 71 00:02:37,358 --> 00:02:39,327 They don't talk about any of this stuff 72 00:02:39,427 --> 00:02:40,728 on "Morning Mimosa!" 73 00:02:40,828 --> 00:02:43,231 Paper towels are just tall toilet paper. 74 00:02:43,331 --> 00:02:45,599 Is that man okay? 75 00:02:45,699 --> 00:02:48,502 Better than okay. He's got the "truth twitch"! 76 00:02:48,602 --> 00:02:51,939 Right now he's seeing the world as it truly is. 77 00:02:52,039 --> 00:02:53,874 I can help you see the truth, too. 78 00:02:53,974 --> 00:02:55,576 Are you about to sell me drugs? 79 00:02:55,676 --> 00:02:57,545 No. I need my drugs. 80 00:02:57,645 --> 00:03:00,013 ** 81 00:03:00,113 --> 00:03:03,217 Snot, this is gonna be so amazing for you. 82 00:03:03,317 --> 00:03:06,019 (laughs) As if. 83 00:03:06,119 --> 00:03:07,721 Of course I'll help! 84 00:03:07,821 --> 00:03:10,924 Got it. "Chesterbrook --" 85 00:03:11,024 --> 00:03:12,426 (receiver clicks) Were you about to write 86 00:03:12,526 --> 00:03:14,295 "Chesterbrook Townhouses"? 87 00:03:14,395 --> 00:03:15,863 Uh...yeah. 88 00:03:15,963 --> 00:03:18,466 Snot's mom is dating this guy, Del, who lives there. 89 00:03:18,566 --> 00:03:21,535 And get this -- he invited them to move in! 90 00:03:21,635 --> 00:03:23,304 Del sounds like a catch, bro. 91 00:03:23,404 --> 00:03:27,241 Chesterbrook is high end -- nice landscaping, tennis courts, 92 00:03:27,341 --> 00:03:29,777 communal pool with tons of noodles. 93 00:03:29,877 --> 00:03:31,479 Uh, you can help them move with me. 94 00:03:31,579 --> 00:03:33,281 Oh, hell yes! 95 00:03:33,381 --> 00:03:35,583 I've been dying to get a peek inside a Chesterbrook unit. 96 00:03:35,683 --> 00:03:37,785 But, remember, we're there for Snot. 97 00:03:37,885 --> 00:03:40,220 Steve, I am deeply offended. 98 00:03:40,321 --> 00:03:43,324 Have I ever not been there for Snoot? 99 00:03:45,493 --> 00:03:47,795 ** 100 00:03:47,895 --> 00:03:50,931 Francine. Celery? 101 00:03:51,031 --> 00:03:52,933 Those better be giant gummy celeries, 102 00:03:53,033 --> 00:03:54,502 or I'm gonna have a full meltdown. 103 00:03:54,602 --> 00:03:57,305 Sorry, I didn't get to the market yesterday. 104 00:03:57,405 --> 00:04:00,641 Stan, you'd tell me if you were a lizard, right? 105 00:04:00,741 --> 00:04:02,075 Okay, I'll bite. 106 00:04:02,175 --> 00:04:03,677 What in God's name are you talking about? 107 00:04:03,777 --> 00:04:06,414 Roger's hosting Conspiracy Con in the attic. 108 00:04:06,514 --> 00:04:08,015 That's what's going on up there? 109 00:04:08,115 --> 00:04:10,684 I assumed those creeps were here for a Roger sex thing. 110 00:04:10,784 --> 00:04:14,522 Don't beat yourself up, Stan. We're also having sex. 111 00:04:14,622 --> 00:04:17,090 The electro-radiation booth's running low on foil. 112 00:04:17,190 --> 00:04:19,527 (chuckling) Those guys use it for everything. 113 00:04:19,627 --> 00:04:23,331 The condoms hurt like hell, but I'm not ready to be a mother. 114 00:04:23,431 --> 00:04:26,033 Francine, there are no conspiracies. 115 00:04:26,133 --> 00:04:27,335 They're all fake junk. 116 00:04:27,435 --> 00:04:29,937 But what about George Soros controlling 117 00:04:30,037 --> 00:04:32,540 the Federal Reserve from an underground bunker? 118 00:04:32,640 --> 00:04:34,775 Shh! Francine, he's Jewish. 119 00:04:34,875 --> 00:04:36,143 That's what he should be doing. 120 00:04:36,243 --> 00:04:37,611 He's helping us. 121 00:04:37,711 --> 00:04:39,313 You're all worked up over nothing. 122 00:04:39,413 --> 00:04:42,215 Oh, look! Almost time for someone's favorite program. 123 00:04:42,316 --> 00:04:43,684 "Morning Mimosa!"? 124 00:04:43,784 --> 00:04:45,519 Mwah. That's right. 125 00:04:45,619 --> 00:04:48,622 Just sit back and let gentle morning infotainment 126 00:04:48,722 --> 00:04:50,190 fill your head. 127 00:04:50,290 --> 00:04:53,293 TRISH: Up next, what our frisky newlywed hamsters 128 00:04:53,394 --> 00:04:56,364 can teach you about pleasing your lover in bed. 129 00:04:56,464 --> 00:04:59,066 Ooh! Stan! You forgot your lunch! 130 00:04:59,166 --> 00:05:01,234 Oh, crap! The foil got lost inside me. 131 00:05:01,335 --> 00:05:02,970 Francine, if you're going to the store, 132 00:05:03,070 --> 00:05:05,706 pick me up some Plan B and a magnet. 133 00:05:05,806 --> 00:05:08,241 ** 134 00:05:08,342 --> 00:05:11,144 In honor of the "Great Snot" moving in, 135 00:05:11,244 --> 00:05:13,681 I took the liberty of stocking the fridge. 136 00:05:14,682 --> 00:05:17,184 Specialty sodas? 137 00:05:17,284 --> 00:05:18,886 Damn! 138 00:05:18,986 --> 00:05:21,188 Cucumber? Toasted marshmallow? 139 00:05:21,288 --> 00:05:24,157 Hey, look, they take all the eggs out of the carton 140 00:05:24,257 --> 00:05:26,860 and put them in the little egg spots in the door. 141 00:05:26,960 --> 00:05:31,665 That's the Chesterbrook difference. 142 00:05:31,765 --> 00:05:35,436 (applauds) 143 00:05:35,536 --> 00:05:38,238 And the final stop on the grand tour... 144 00:05:38,338 --> 00:05:40,007 your new bedroom! 145 00:05:40,107 --> 00:05:41,909 Del wanted to convert his home office, 146 00:05:42,009 --> 00:05:46,179 but I thought it might get noisy next to our bedroom. 147 00:05:46,279 --> 00:05:49,850 Me have sex with the Great Snot's mom? 148 00:05:49,950 --> 00:05:53,687 Uh, yes please. 149 00:05:53,787 --> 00:05:55,188 Del seems great. 150 00:05:55,288 --> 00:05:58,859 He is. It's just -- isn't it a little depressing 151 00:05:58,959 --> 00:06:00,260 living in the basement? 152 00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:01,929 (whap!) Are you serious? 153 00:06:02,029 --> 00:06:04,732 You have been given a finished basement. 154 00:06:04,832 --> 00:06:07,768 It's like a blank canvas to be awesome in. 155 00:06:07,868 --> 00:06:11,639 Just imagine -- air-hockey table, Jamaican flag, 156 00:06:11,739 --> 00:06:13,807 and an Aerosmith mirror some older brother won 157 00:06:13,907 --> 00:06:17,478 at a carnival ring-toss before he died in a car accident. 158 00:06:17,578 --> 00:06:20,247 You know, the classic basement! 159 00:06:20,347 --> 00:06:22,616 I guess that does sound cool. 160 00:06:22,716 --> 00:06:24,552 Who cares if you think it's cool, shithead? 161 00:06:24,652 --> 00:06:26,086 It's for the ladies! 162 00:06:26,186 --> 00:06:29,457 They can't resist the power of a sweet basement. 163 00:06:29,557 --> 00:06:32,926 Then you add music, maybe something like -- 164 00:06:33,026 --> 00:06:35,463 * I tried so hard 165 00:06:35,563 --> 00:06:37,598 * Unt got so far 166 00:06:37,698 --> 00:06:39,600 * But in ze end 167 00:06:39,700 --> 00:06:42,970 * It doesn't even matter 168 00:06:43,070 --> 00:06:45,138 * One thing, I don't know why * 169 00:06:45,238 --> 00:06:47,007 * It doesn't even matter how hard you try * 170 00:06:47,107 --> 00:06:48,509 * Keep that in mind 171 00:06:48,609 --> 00:06:50,310 * I designed this rhyme to remind myself * 172 00:06:50,410 --> 00:06:52,780 * How I tried so hard * I tried so hard 173 00:06:52,880 --> 00:06:54,314 * In spite of the way you were mocking me * 174 00:06:54,414 --> 00:06:55,849 * Acting like I was part of your property * 175 00:06:55,949 --> 00:06:57,985 So, I guess... * Remembering all the times 176 00:06:58,085 --> 00:06:59,753 * You fought with me ...I'll go get the stuff. 177 00:06:59,853 --> 00:07:02,122 * I'm surprised it got so far * * It got so far 178 00:07:02,222 --> 00:07:03,524 (birds chirping) 179 00:07:03,624 --> 00:07:06,927 Trish, Sues, emergency production meeting onstage! 180 00:07:07,027 --> 00:07:09,797 (indistinct conversations) 181 00:07:09,897 --> 00:07:13,433 Shh! The executive producer is approaching the stage. 182 00:07:13,534 --> 00:07:17,204 So, I'm head honcho, and I still have to open my own doors? 183 00:07:17,304 --> 00:07:18,672 Sorry, sir. Y-Your coffee? 184 00:07:18,772 --> 00:07:20,273 It's too late. You're fired. 185 00:07:20,373 --> 00:07:21,875 (sobbing) 186 00:07:21,975 --> 00:07:23,644 Wait. Gimme that coffee first. 187 00:07:23,744 --> 00:07:25,979 Damn. All right, team. 188 00:07:26,079 --> 00:07:28,148 Most of you know I took over "Morning Mimosa!" 189 00:07:28,248 --> 00:07:30,050 when I realized I could use it to protect my wife 190 00:07:30,150 --> 00:07:32,285 from the harshness of the real world. 191 00:07:33,854 --> 00:07:36,289 Why did Stan come here? 192 00:07:36,389 --> 00:07:38,125 Unfortunately, Francine was exposed 193 00:07:38,225 --> 00:07:39,960 to some scary ideas yesterday, 194 00:07:40,060 --> 00:07:41,962 so we're gonna need to turn up the fluff. 195 00:07:42,062 --> 00:07:44,397 I'm talking cute animals, I'm talking makeovers, 196 00:07:44,498 --> 00:07:46,399 I'm talking 2-year-olds who break-dance. 197 00:07:46,500 --> 00:07:50,237 Because if we don't, I fear her ignorant, fragile mind and -- 198 00:07:50,337 --> 00:07:52,673 if I'm being honest -- her backwoods sensibilities 199 00:07:52,773 --> 00:07:54,542 will be thrown into upheaval. 200 00:07:54,642 --> 00:07:56,076 (metal clatters) Francine?! 201 00:07:57,845 --> 00:08:00,347 Uh, you all know my brilliant, stable wife, 202 00:08:00,447 --> 00:08:03,016 the sheer essence of continental sophistication? 203 00:08:03,116 --> 00:08:06,153 You told me conspiracies were fake junk, 204 00:08:06,253 --> 00:08:10,591 but -- but I'm in a conspiracy. 205 00:08:10,691 --> 00:08:14,595 And, Stan, you put me there. 206 00:08:14,695 --> 00:08:17,030 This isn't a conspiracy. I'm, uh... 207 00:08:17,130 --> 00:08:18,732 I'm doing all these people. 208 00:08:18,832 --> 00:08:20,400 It's just an orgy. 209 00:08:20,500 --> 00:08:21,735 See? 210 00:08:27,407 --> 00:08:29,610 ** 211 00:08:29,710 --> 00:08:31,378 What exactly did you hear? 212 00:08:31,478 --> 00:08:34,014 That you have been secretly running 213 00:08:34,114 --> 00:08:37,517 "Morning Mimosa" for years to keep me in a bubble! 214 00:08:37,618 --> 00:08:39,519 And to also provide a reliable lead-in 215 00:08:39,620 --> 00:08:42,089 for "The Young and the Restless." 216 00:08:42,189 --> 00:08:44,057 I can't trust you. 217 00:08:44,157 --> 00:08:46,426 I can't trust anything. 218 00:08:46,526 --> 00:08:49,697 The bubble... has burst! 219 00:08:52,432 --> 00:08:55,102 (laughs) Nice. 220 00:08:55,202 --> 00:08:58,138 Whoa-ho-ho! Cool room, sport! 221 00:08:58,238 --> 00:09:01,642 Thanks, Dad. Sorry, I mean "Del." 222 00:09:01,742 --> 00:09:04,645 No, it's okay. You can call me "Dad." 223 00:09:04,745 --> 00:09:06,446 -(sighs) -All right, Pops. 224 00:09:06,546 --> 00:09:08,148 Back upstairs. 225 00:09:08,248 --> 00:09:09,950 -Want to play darts? -"Darts"?! 226 00:09:10,050 --> 00:09:12,152 I didn't pimp this basement to play darts. 227 00:09:12,252 --> 00:09:14,487 I know. It's your make-out castle. 228 00:09:14,588 --> 00:09:17,224 Palace. And it's not mine. It's Snot's. 229 00:09:17,324 --> 00:09:20,393 What we need right now is to get some babes in this castle. 230 00:09:20,493 --> 00:09:21,995 See, you did say castle. 231 00:09:22,095 --> 00:09:23,396 Go get girls! 232 00:09:23,496 --> 00:09:28,135 (laughter) 233 00:09:28,235 --> 00:09:31,639 (laughs) 234 00:09:31,739 --> 00:09:34,407 I know they say it's a dog-eat-dog world, 235 00:09:34,507 --> 00:09:36,009 but this is ridiculous. 236 00:09:36,109 --> 00:09:37,811 Good thing no one heard that. 237 00:09:37,911 --> 00:09:39,179 (gasps) Francine! 238 00:09:39,279 --> 00:09:40,914 How much did you hear? 239 00:09:41,014 --> 00:09:42,683 Conspiracies are real, Roger. 240 00:09:42,783 --> 00:09:44,117 I can trust no one. 241 00:09:44,217 --> 00:09:46,419 Would ya' look at that? 242 00:09:46,519 --> 00:09:48,288 Got yourself a "truth twitch"! 243 00:09:48,388 --> 00:09:50,590 I can see so clearly! 244 00:09:50,691 --> 00:09:53,360 My eyes are finally open! 245 00:09:53,460 --> 00:09:56,697 Oh, good. So you can feast those peepers on this. 246 00:09:56,797 --> 00:10:00,433 The spliiiits. 247 00:10:00,533 --> 00:10:02,703 (water splashing) 248 00:10:02,803 --> 00:10:05,839 All right, there's a group of babes by the Noodle Chest. 249 00:10:05,939 --> 00:10:07,975 Work your magic. 250 00:10:08,075 --> 00:10:10,177 Whew, it's warm out here! 251 00:10:10,277 --> 00:10:15,382 Would you girls like to cool off in a cold, dark basement? 252 00:10:15,482 --> 00:10:17,951 (laughs) I'm sorry. 253 00:10:18,051 --> 00:10:20,620 What my friend meant to say is 254 00:10:20,721 --> 00:10:23,824 you girls'll fit in real nice with the other treasures 255 00:10:23,924 --> 00:10:26,493 in his basement. 256 00:10:26,593 --> 00:10:28,195 Aah! 257 00:10:28,295 --> 00:10:31,231 Beat it, pervs. We're going to my uncle's 258 00:10:31,331 --> 00:10:32,800 so he can take pictures of us -- 259 00:10:32,900 --> 00:10:38,571 Tasteful nudes to launch our modeling careers. 260 00:10:38,672 --> 00:10:42,676 (eerie music played on synthesizer) 261 00:10:42,776 --> 00:10:45,813 Broadcasting live via short wave from a little RV 262 00:10:45,913 --> 00:10:49,516 on planet truth, this is..."Truth Planet." 263 00:10:49,616 --> 00:10:55,723 (playing Laura Branigan's "Self Control") 264 00:10:55,823 --> 00:10:58,591 First of all, I want to say hello to the government 265 00:10:58,692 --> 00:11:00,393 if you're listening -- of course they are -- 266 00:11:00,493 --> 00:11:03,263 and a quick shout-out to Stamps.com 267 00:11:03,363 --> 00:11:05,098 for sponsoring the show. 268 00:11:05,198 --> 00:11:07,701 SOUNDBOARD: Show me the money. 269 00:11:07,801 --> 00:11:10,771 Today, we're going to sit down with legendary 270 00:11:10,871 --> 00:11:12,873 Yeti hunter, Randy Ojai. 271 00:11:12,973 --> 00:11:16,376 But first, are we really safe in our homes? 272 00:11:16,476 --> 00:11:18,678 Truth bomb. 273 00:11:18,779 --> 00:11:20,948 (explosion) 274 00:11:21,048 --> 00:11:22,515 Take your kitchen. 275 00:11:22,615 --> 00:11:25,853 Toasters -- what do we really know about them? 276 00:11:25,953 --> 00:11:28,455 Does the bagel button do anything, 277 00:11:28,555 --> 00:11:31,024 or does it just put you on a list? 278 00:11:31,124 --> 00:11:33,894 Shabbat shalom. 279 00:11:33,994 --> 00:11:36,196 You think you're safe in the bathroom? 280 00:11:36,296 --> 00:11:37,597 Think again! 281 00:11:37,697 --> 00:11:39,767 We all bring our phones in there! 282 00:11:39,867 --> 00:11:43,871 The government hacks your camera and boom, they gotcha. 283 00:11:43,971 --> 00:11:47,207 Hook, line, and stinkerrrr! 284 00:11:47,307 --> 00:11:50,043 (toilet flush) 285 00:11:50,143 --> 00:11:51,278 (knocking at door) STAN: Francine! 286 00:11:51,378 --> 00:11:53,313 Come on, Francine! 287 00:11:53,413 --> 00:11:55,448 I know you're upset I was controlling your mind 288 00:11:55,548 --> 00:11:56,750 with "Morning Mimosa!" 289 00:11:56,850 --> 00:11:58,551 And I know it hurt to find out your husband 290 00:11:58,651 --> 00:12:00,087 has six Daytime Emmys. 291 00:12:00,187 --> 00:12:02,923 Wait, are you jealous of my monster success 292 00:12:03,023 --> 00:12:05,225 in the notoriously fickle 11:00 A.M. slot? 293 00:12:05,325 --> 00:12:06,794 Well, you should be flattered. 294 00:12:06,894 --> 00:12:09,296 I may have dedicated all six Emmys to my lawyer, 295 00:12:09,396 --> 00:12:11,331 the brilliant, ruthless Irwin Klein, 296 00:12:11,431 --> 00:12:16,003 but I won them for you! 297 00:12:16,103 --> 00:12:17,570 KLAUS: No babes? 298 00:12:17,670 --> 00:12:19,506 I've got this basement pulsating with power, 299 00:12:19,606 --> 00:12:21,274 and you're wasting it, Steve! 300 00:12:21,374 --> 00:12:22,309 Gah! 301 00:12:22,409 --> 00:12:23,576 (crash) 302 00:12:23,676 --> 00:12:25,178 Everything okay down here? 303 00:12:25,278 --> 00:12:30,117 Oh, you turned this into a darling little rumpus room. 304 00:12:30,217 --> 00:12:32,019 Yeah, it's pretty sick. 305 00:12:32,119 --> 00:12:33,753 Gosh, I haven't been in a basement like this 306 00:12:33,854 --> 00:12:36,189 since high school. 307 00:12:36,289 --> 00:12:38,926 (Journey's "Lovin', Touchin', Squeezin'" plays) 308 00:12:39,026 --> 00:12:45,933 Ooh, this song. It really takes me back. 309 00:12:46,033 --> 00:12:48,435 Did I ever tell you about the summer 310 00:12:48,535 --> 00:12:52,840 I went on tour with a Journey cover band? 311 00:12:52,940 --> 00:12:55,142 This is literally the first time we've met. 312 00:12:55,242 --> 00:12:58,278 Mmm, air hockey? 313 00:12:58,378 --> 00:13:00,180 No thanks. I don't feel like playing. 314 00:13:00,280 --> 00:13:04,051 Aw, you're gonna make me play with myself? 315 00:13:04,151 --> 00:13:07,354 * Lovin', touchin', squeezin' 316 00:13:07,454 --> 00:13:09,789 Oh, no. The basement has her. 317 00:13:09,890 --> 00:13:10,958 Listen to me. 318 00:13:11,058 --> 00:13:12,860 We must leave this place right now! 319 00:13:16,663 --> 00:13:21,168 * When I'm alone 320 00:13:21,268 --> 00:13:22,702 * All by myself 321 00:13:22,802 --> 00:13:25,172 (muffled) Oh, boy. 322 00:13:26,840 --> 00:13:29,142 Why so glum, chum? 323 00:13:29,242 --> 00:13:31,311 My wife found out I was using "Morning Mimosa!" 324 00:13:31,411 --> 00:13:32,812 to control her mind. 325 00:13:32,913 --> 00:13:35,715 Marriage -- It's a real tightrope walk. 326 00:13:35,815 --> 00:13:37,350 Did you mention your Daytime Emmys? 327 00:13:37,450 --> 00:13:38,886 No, I like to play that cool. 328 00:13:38,986 --> 00:13:40,921 And now she doesn't believe anything I say. 329 00:13:41,021 --> 00:13:43,590 She's embraced all these crazy conspiracy theories. 330 00:13:43,690 --> 00:13:45,859 UFOs and Bigfoot. 331 00:13:45,959 --> 00:13:47,060 Yeah, and she's blabbing about them 332 00:13:47,160 --> 00:13:48,828 on some crackpot radio show. 333 00:13:48,929 --> 00:13:50,530 Today she was going on about how the government 334 00:13:50,630 --> 00:13:52,900 is watching us poop through our cellphones. 335 00:13:53,000 --> 00:13:55,835 And she's broadcasting this on the radio? 336 00:13:55,936 --> 00:13:57,905 I have to walk to my office now. 337 00:13:58,005 --> 00:14:00,740 Goodbye. Don't follow me. 338 00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:03,376 Project Toilet Cam has been compromised. 339 00:14:03,476 --> 00:14:06,346 We need to eliminate Francine Smith. 340 00:14:06,446 --> 00:14:07,780 (phone beeps) 341 00:14:07,881 --> 00:14:11,384 (moaning, whistling) 342 00:14:11,484 --> 00:14:13,220 (laughs) 343 00:14:13,320 --> 00:14:16,589 This bank of monitors reminds me of "The Brady Bunch." 344 00:14:16,689 --> 00:14:21,028 Except all these people are taking craps, not just Alice. 345 00:14:23,396 --> 00:14:25,698 ** 346 00:14:25,798 --> 00:14:29,269 (video game beeping, gunfire) 347 00:14:29,369 --> 00:14:31,371 I can't believe no one's ever tried 348 00:14:31,471 --> 00:14:33,206 stretching the zombie gun over here! 349 00:14:33,306 --> 00:14:34,374 The other one's getting away! 350 00:14:34,474 --> 00:14:35,875 Yank that Sea-doo over here. 351 00:14:35,976 --> 00:14:38,045 Let's run this (bleep) down. 352 00:14:38,145 --> 00:14:39,479 Sir? 353 00:14:39,579 --> 00:14:42,415 Okay, are you in position at Dave & Buster's? 354 00:14:42,515 --> 00:14:44,717 Yes, sir. Stan is distracted and happy. 355 00:14:44,817 --> 00:14:46,619 You are clear to eliminate Francine. 356 00:14:46,719 --> 00:14:47,887 Excellent! 357 00:14:47,988 --> 00:14:49,990 And I only mean that professionally, 358 00:14:50,090 --> 00:14:52,459 not because I derive some sexual pleasure 359 00:14:52,559 --> 00:14:53,961 from killing my friend's wife, 360 00:14:54,061 --> 00:14:55,929 as you're so heavily implying. 361 00:14:56,029 --> 00:14:57,764 (phone beeps) 362 00:14:57,864 --> 00:15:00,900 I needed something like this to forget about Francine. 363 00:15:01,001 --> 00:15:03,170 Wait, you told him Francine's getting whacked? 364 00:15:03,270 --> 00:15:04,637 Shut up, dumb-ass! 365 00:15:04,737 --> 00:15:05,772 What the hell is going on? 366 00:15:05,872 --> 00:15:07,774 Dick's buying me more nachos. 367 00:15:07,874 --> 00:15:09,076 No, with Francine. 368 00:15:09,176 --> 00:15:11,311 (sighs) Bullock put a hit on her. 369 00:15:11,411 --> 00:15:14,181 My wife's getting killed, and I'm at Dave & Buster's? 370 00:15:14,281 --> 00:15:15,748 We were trying to protect you! 371 00:15:15,848 --> 00:15:18,285 I don't need to be protected. I can handle bad news. 372 00:15:18,385 --> 00:15:19,419 (gasps) 373 00:15:19,519 --> 00:15:21,021 -We got to stop him! -Whoa! 374 00:15:21,121 --> 00:15:22,489 (music plays) ANNOUNCER: At Dave & Buster's, 375 00:15:22,589 --> 00:15:24,191 we've got the slippinest-slidinest 376 00:15:24,291 --> 00:15:25,792 nachos in the world! 377 00:15:25,892 --> 00:15:27,660 Mm-hmm. 378 00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:29,196 Don't eat 'em! 379 00:15:31,364 --> 00:15:32,832 (sighs) It's too bad we didn't get any 380 00:15:32,932 --> 00:15:35,035 sweet-ass girls to come down to the basement. 381 00:15:35,135 --> 00:15:36,603 The girls will come. 382 00:15:36,703 --> 00:15:40,873 For now, I've got a sweet-ass man I can call Dad. 383 00:15:40,974 --> 00:15:42,875 That's a very mature observation. 384 00:15:42,976 --> 00:15:45,545 I think Del's already having a great effect on you. 385 00:15:45,645 --> 00:15:47,480 (panting) 386 00:15:47,580 --> 00:15:49,449 We need to get the (bleep) out of here! 387 00:15:49,549 --> 00:15:51,318 DEL: I take you into my townhouse, 388 00:15:51,418 --> 00:15:53,486 and this is how you repay me?! 389 00:15:53,586 --> 00:15:55,022 MRS. LONSTEIN: It's not my fault, Del! 390 00:15:55,122 --> 00:15:56,889 (tearfully) It was the basement! 391 00:15:56,990 --> 00:15:59,626 -What did you do? -(screams) 392 00:15:59,726 --> 00:16:01,394 Phew, thought this was a goner. 393 00:16:01,494 --> 00:16:04,464 All right. Let's beat it before security gets here. 394 00:16:04,564 --> 00:16:06,333 DEL: (tearfully) You ruined it! 395 00:16:06,433 --> 00:16:10,803 You ruined it when you sat on that fish's face! 396 00:16:10,903 --> 00:16:12,972 What's happening, Steve? 397 00:16:13,073 --> 00:16:18,311 (sobs) 398 00:16:18,411 --> 00:16:21,648 Yep, that's a wrap on Chesterbrook! 399 00:16:21,748 --> 00:16:24,151 ** 400 00:16:24,251 --> 00:16:27,320 Let's keep it simple. Kill Francine on three. 401 00:16:27,420 --> 00:16:29,156 One, two... 402 00:16:29,256 --> 00:16:30,390 STAN: St-o-o-o-o-p! 403 00:16:30,490 --> 00:16:33,360 Leave my wife alone! 404 00:16:33,460 --> 00:16:36,529 (wheels squeaking) 405 00:16:36,629 --> 00:16:37,930 I won! 406 00:16:38,031 --> 00:16:40,067 For the last time, I wasn't racing you 407 00:16:40,167 --> 00:16:41,901 and I clearly passed the mailbox first. 408 00:16:42,001 --> 00:16:43,503 Sir, please... 409 00:16:43,603 --> 00:16:46,873 Smith, I don't want to go to war with you and your goons! 410 00:16:46,973 --> 00:16:49,276 This is between me and the woman who uncovered 411 00:16:49,376 --> 00:16:50,677 Project Toilet Cam. 412 00:16:50,777 --> 00:16:52,945 Compromising photos of people on the toilet 413 00:16:53,046 --> 00:16:55,282 are the greatest ass-et (snickers) 414 00:16:55,382 --> 00:16:57,684 we have against terrorism. 415 00:16:57,784 --> 00:16:58,885 What? I don't follow. 416 00:16:58,985 --> 00:17:00,953 Think, Smith. What's the most embarrassing 417 00:17:01,054 --> 00:17:02,922 thing you don't want anyone to see? 418 00:17:03,022 --> 00:17:04,791 You leave my children out of this! 419 00:17:04,891 --> 00:17:07,127 Remember the time you ate poached salmon 420 00:17:07,227 --> 00:17:09,362 from an Amoco gas station? 421 00:17:09,462 --> 00:17:11,898 (moaning) 422 00:17:11,998 --> 00:17:13,466 Delete that! I'll do anything you want! 423 00:17:13,566 --> 00:17:15,935 This is why I'm not worried about ISIS. 424 00:17:16,035 --> 00:17:17,470 Sir, we've searched the premises. 425 00:17:17,570 --> 00:17:19,038 There's no sign of Francine Smith 426 00:17:19,139 --> 00:17:21,074 or the Winnebago she was broadcasting from. 427 00:17:21,174 --> 00:17:23,443 All right team, regroup at the CIA. 428 00:17:23,543 --> 00:17:26,446 We'll pick her up on satellite. She can't hide for long. 429 00:17:26,546 --> 00:17:30,417 Release the satellite! 430 00:17:30,517 --> 00:17:31,818 Great job! 431 00:17:31,918 --> 00:17:33,820 Guys, I talked to the hunchback, 432 00:17:33,920 --> 00:17:35,622 and he's been feeling isolated. 433 00:17:35,722 --> 00:17:38,725 Could you maybe make an effort to be a little nicer to him? 434 00:17:38,825 --> 00:17:41,094 Charles! Come over here! 435 00:17:41,194 --> 00:17:43,062 Here's a fresh herring for everyone. 436 00:17:43,163 --> 00:17:44,831 Please, feed it to the hunchback. 437 00:17:44,931 --> 00:17:49,236 So, did everyone catch the game last night? 438 00:17:51,104 --> 00:17:52,272 I see you looking. 439 00:17:52,372 --> 00:17:54,774 It's okay to ask about the hump. 440 00:17:54,874 --> 00:17:57,177 ** 441 00:17:57,277 --> 00:17:59,078 Hmm. One day. 442 00:17:59,179 --> 00:18:00,780 Roger, we got to find Francine! 443 00:18:00,880 --> 00:18:02,782 Oh, she gon'! When someone that paranoid 444 00:18:02,882 --> 00:18:05,118 takes off, they always head right off the grid. 445 00:18:05,218 --> 00:18:06,853 A grid runner. 446 00:18:06,953 --> 00:18:09,122 The first thing she'll do is hide 447 00:18:09,222 --> 00:18:10,623 in a communication dead zone. 448 00:18:10,723 --> 00:18:12,525 Needle in a haystack, Stan. 449 00:18:12,625 --> 00:18:15,595 That's the nation's most comprehensive 4G network. 450 00:18:15,695 --> 00:18:17,597 This ain't Cricket Wireless we're talking about. 451 00:18:17,697 --> 00:18:19,299 Verizon's the big dog. 452 00:18:19,399 --> 00:18:20,833 Big dogs got to eat. 453 00:18:20,933 --> 00:18:22,802 Is Verizon paying me to say any of this? 454 00:18:22,902 --> 00:18:24,171 There! 455 00:18:28,508 --> 00:18:32,645 I'm down to one bar. Spread out. 456 00:18:32,745 --> 00:18:34,714 (phone beeping) 457 00:18:34,814 --> 00:18:37,517 No signal. I'm off the grid. 458 00:18:37,617 --> 00:18:42,155 Aah! 459 00:18:42,255 --> 00:18:43,323 Huh. 460 00:18:43,423 --> 00:18:45,458 Francine, we need to leave! 461 00:18:45,558 --> 00:18:47,227 The CIA is coming to kill you! 462 00:18:47,327 --> 00:18:50,363 I'm supposed to believe you're telling me the truth now? 463 00:18:50,463 --> 00:18:52,865 Look, I'm sorry I didn't think you could handle the real world, 464 00:18:52,965 --> 00:18:54,667 and for executive producing a hit daytime show 465 00:18:54,767 --> 00:18:55,735 to hide it from you. 466 00:18:55,835 --> 00:18:57,837 Because I'm too fragile? 467 00:18:57,937 --> 00:18:59,071 That's what I told myself. 468 00:18:59,172 --> 00:19:01,208 But when the guys did it to me today, 469 00:19:01,308 --> 00:19:03,009 I realized they were being selfish, 470 00:19:03,109 --> 00:19:05,745 just keeping me happy to make their lives easier. 471 00:19:05,845 --> 00:19:07,747 What were they hiding from you? 472 00:19:07,847 --> 00:19:09,382 The fact that the CIA's gonna kill you! 473 00:19:09,482 --> 00:19:11,318 So one of my theories was right! 474 00:19:11,418 --> 00:19:13,586 Which was it? It was the toilet cams. 475 00:19:13,686 --> 00:19:14,921 Really? 476 00:19:15,021 --> 00:19:16,823 Not that Papa John and Peyton Manning 477 00:19:16,923 --> 00:19:19,192 had a sexual relationship for 17 years? 478 00:19:19,292 --> 00:19:21,261 (helicopters approaching) 479 00:19:21,361 --> 00:19:23,496 BULLOCK: Francine Smith, surrender yourself! 480 00:19:23,596 --> 00:19:26,266 Look, I shouldn't be trying to shield you from things, 481 00:19:26,366 --> 00:19:28,000 no matter how bad they are. 482 00:19:28,100 --> 00:19:30,837 I should be getting through them with you -- Together. 483 00:19:30,937 --> 00:19:32,772 How are we gonna get through this? 484 00:19:32,872 --> 00:19:34,907 Do you trust me? I do. 485 00:19:35,007 --> 00:19:36,676 Great. Now, I know this is your bear trap 486 00:19:36,776 --> 00:19:38,278 so I don't want you to take it personally 487 00:19:38,378 --> 00:19:39,712 when I say that I hate it. 488 00:19:39,812 --> 00:19:41,180 It feels awful. 489 00:19:41,281 --> 00:19:44,551 Hold your fire! I'd like to propose a deal! 490 00:19:44,651 --> 00:19:45,752 Of course. 491 00:19:46,986 --> 00:19:52,292 Kindly step out of the line of fire to the negotiating area. 492 00:19:52,392 --> 00:19:54,093 Aah! 493 00:19:54,193 --> 00:19:58,865 N-o-o-o! Francine! 494 00:19:58,965 --> 00:20:01,301 What have you done?! 495 00:20:01,401 --> 00:20:03,570 I saved America! 496 00:20:03,670 --> 00:20:08,408 Take the weekend to grieve! 497 00:20:08,508 --> 00:20:09,876 Mmm. 498 00:20:09,976 --> 00:20:11,278 This isn't part of the plan. 499 00:20:11,378 --> 00:20:13,746 No one's gonna believe I'm Francine's corpse 500 00:20:13,846 --> 00:20:15,448 unless they see us having sex. 501 00:20:15,548 --> 00:20:17,984 All right, that's enough. 502 00:20:18,084 --> 00:20:19,586 Let's make a deal. 503 00:20:19,686 --> 00:20:22,789 From now on, no more lies between us. 504 00:20:22,889 --> 00:20:25,091 Right. And no more conspiracies. 505 00:20:25,191 --> 00:20:27,927 Well, one more conspiracy. 506 00:20:30,263 --> 00:20:33,433 Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. 507 00:20:33,533 --> 00:20:36,102 I can't believe Stan brought a date to his wife's funeral. 508 00:20:36,202 --> 00:20:37,804 What a baller! 509 00:20:39,639 --> 00:20:41,974 Yeah, and he certainly has a type -- 510 00:20:42,074 --> 00:20:45,144 Blonde, beautiful, and named Francine. 511 00:20:45,244 --> 00:20:47,514 And now, the Chesterbrook Quartet 512 00:20:47,614 --> 00:20:50,950 will perform Dead Francine's favorite song. 513 00:20:51,050 --> 00:20:58,024 (playing Linkin Park's "In the End") 514 00:20:59,326 --> 00:21:00,960 * It starts with 515 00:21:01,060 --> 00:21:02,128 * One thing! 516 00:21:02,228 --> 00:21:04,130 Bye! Have a beautiful time!