You ever feel like every day of your life
has been leading up to one moment?
(Pachelbel's "Canon in D Major" plays) The wedding of the century,
live on "Morning Mimosa!"
(gasps) Look how nervous the groom looks.
HAYLEY: Wait. This is a hamster wedding?
Oh, here comes the bride.
(Wagner's "Bridal Chorus" plays)
She's radiant,
like Kate Middleton at Westminster Abbey!
This is so stupid.
This show is all fluff, no substance.
Your mom prefers fluff. It makes her happy.
But there's so much real news out there.
I feel like I get all I need from "Morning Mimosa!"
and I start my day with a smile.
And that smile takes me
all the way to my 4:00 P.M. OxyContin.
You need to expand your mind.
There's a lot of real news out there,
but you need to seek it out. (door closes)
Seek the truth. The truth will set you free.
Hey, who are you?
Mom needs to get out of her bubble.
And end up like you?
Look what real news has done to you.
Excuse me? Sir? Those scowl lines.
Mom looks 20 years younger than you.
-Sir! -20 years younger?!
Wha-- I'm 19!
TRISH: I now pronounce you hamster and wife.
Hayley, I have something to tell you,
but it can't leave this room.
Last weekend, I was at that hamster's bachelor party
in Key West, and he...
Oh, my God. I can't believe I'm betraying his trust.
He was not faithful.
You missed my birthday dinner
for a hamster bachelor party?
(patriotic music plays)
* Good morning, U.S.A.
* I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day *
* The sun in the sky has a smile on his face *
* And he's shinin' a salute to the American race *
* Oh, boy, it's swell to say
* Good -- * Good morning, U.S.A.
Aah!
* Good morning, U.S.A.
**
Welcome to Conspiracy Con!
Will you be paying with untraceable bitcoin or...
A big jar of filthy change.
Nice. Keepin' it O.G.
Now, here's your badge and two pumps of deer urine
to repel Bigfoot -- and a little CK One
because now you smell like piss.
Roger, who are these people?
They're here for Conspiracy Con.
They're truth seekers looking for a safe haven
from our corporate overlords.
Trust no one...
except Verizon's 4G Network.
I may have let a few corporate overlords in.
Lizard people have infiltrated everything --
the government, sports, even Tinsel Town!
Elizabeth Taylor?!
You mean "E-lizard-beth" Taylor?
Ryan Gosling?
Very lizard.
(gasps)
They don't talk about any of this stuff
on "Morning Mimosa!"
Paper towels are just tall toilet paper.
Is that man okay?
Better than okay. He's got the "truth twitch"!
Right now he's seeing the world as it truly is.
I can help you see the truth, too.
Are you about to sell me drugs?
No. I need my drugs.
**
Snot, this is gonna be so amazing for you.
(laughs) As if.
Of course I'll help!
Got it. "Chesterbrook --"
(receiver clicks) Were you about to write
"Chesterbrook Townhouses"?
Uh...yeah.
Snot's mom is dating this guy, Del, who lives there.
And get this -- he invited them to move in!
Del sounds like a catch, bro.
Chesterbrook is high end -- nice landscaping, tennis courts,
communal pool with tons of noodles.
Uh, you can help them move with me.
Oh, hell yes!
I've been dying to get a peek inside a Chesterbrook unit.
But, remember, we're there for Snot.
Steve, I am deeply offended.
Have I ever not been there for Snoot?
**
Francine. Celery?
Those better be giant gummy celeries,
or I'm gonna have a full meltdown.
Sorry, I didn't get to the market yesterday.
Stan, you'd tell me if you were a lizard, right?
Okay, I'll bite.
What in God's name are you talking about?
Roger's hosting Conspiracy Con in the attic.
That's what's going on up there?
I assumed those creeps were here for a Roger sex thing.
Don't beat yourself up, Stan. We're also having sex.
The electro-radiation booth's running low on foil.
(chuckling) Those guys use it for everything.
The condoms hurt like hell, but I'm not ready to be a mother.
Francine, there are no conspiracies.
They're all fake junk.
But what about George Soros controlling
the Federal Reserve from an underground bunker?
Shh! Francine, he's Jewish.
That's what he should be doing.
He's helping us.
You're all worked up over nothing.
Oh, look! Almost time for someone's favorite program.
"Morning Mimosa!"?
Mwah. That's right.
Just sit back and let gentle morning infotainment
fill your head.
TRISH: Up next, what our frisky newlywed hamsters
can teach you about pleasing your lover in bed.
Ooh! Stan! You forgot your lunch!
Oh, crap! The foil got lost inside me.
Francine, if you're going to the store,
pick me up some Plan B and a magnet.
**
In honor of the "Great Snot" moving in,
I took the liberty of stocking the fridge.
Specialty sodas?
Damn!
Cucumber? Toasted marshmallow?
Hey, look, they take all the eggs out of the carton
and put them in the little egg spots in the door.
That's the Chesterbrook difference.
(applauds)
And the final stop on the grand tour...
your new bedroom!
Del wanted to convert his home office,
but I thought it might get noisy next to our bedroom.
Me have sex with the Great Snot's mom?
Uh, yes please.
Del seems great.
He is. It's just -- isn't it a little depressing
living in the basement?
(whap!) Are you serious?
You have been given a finished basement.
It's like a blank canvas to be awesome in.
Just imagine -- air-hockey table, Jamaican flag,
and an Aerosmith mirror some older brother won
at a carnival ring-toss before he died in a car accident.
You know, the classic basement!
I guess that does sound cool.
Who cares if you think it's cool, shithead?
It's for the ladies!
They can't resist the power of a sweet basement.
Then you add music, maybe something like --
* I tried so hard
* Unt got so far
* But in ze end
* It doesn't even matter
* One thing, I don't know why *
* It doesn't even matter how hard you try *
* Keep that in mind
* I designed this rhyme to remind myself *
* How I tried so hard * I tried so hard
* In spite of the way you were mocking me *
* Acting like I was part of your property *
So, I guess... * Remembering all the times
* You fought with me ...I'll go get the stuff.
* I'm surprised it got so far * * It got so far
(birds chirping)
Trish, Sues, emergency production meeting onstage!
(indistinct conversations)
Shh! The executive producer is approaching the stage.
So, I'm head honcho, and I still have to open my own doors?
Sorry, sir. Y-Your coffee?
It's too late. You're fired.
(sobbing)
Wait. Gimme that coffee first.
Damn. All right, team.
Most of you know I took over "Morning Mimosa!"
when I realized I could use it to protect my wife
from the harshness of the real world.
Why did Stan come here?
Unfortunately, Francine was exposed
to some scary ideas yesterday,
so we're gonna need to turn up the fluff.
I'm talking cute animals, I'm talking makeovers,
I'm talking 2-year-olds who break-dance.
Because if we don't, I fear her ignorant, fragile mind and --
if I'm being honest -- her backwoods sensibilities
will be thrown into upheaval.
(metal clatters) Francine?!
Uh, you all know my brilliant, stable wife,
the sheer essence of continental sophistication?
You told me conspiracies were fake junk,
but -- but I'm in a conspiracy.
And, Stan, you put me there.
This isn't a conspiracy. I'm, uh...
I'm doing all these people.
It's just an orgy.
See?
**
What exactly did you hear?
That you have been secretly running
"Morning Mimosa" for years to keep me in a bubble!
And to also provide a reliable lead-in
for "The Young and the Restless."
I can't trust you.
I can't trust anything.
The bubble... has burst!
(laughs) Nice.
Whoa-ho-ho! Cool room, sport!
Thanks, Dad. Sorry, I mean "Del."
No, it's okay. You can call me "Dad."
-(sighs) -All right, Pops.
Back upstairs.
-Want to play darts? -"Darts"?!
I didn't pimp this basement to play darts.
I know. It's your make-out castle.
Palace. And it's not mine. It's Snot's.
What we need right now is to get some babes in this castle.
See, you did say castle.
Go get girls!
(laughter)
(laughs)
I know they say it's a dog-eat-dog world,
but this is ridiculous.
Good thing no one heard that.
(gasps) Francine!
How much did you hear?
Conspiracies are real, Roger.
I can trust no one.
Would ya' look at that?
Got yourself a "truth twitch"!
I can see so clearly!
My eyes are finally open!
Oh, good. So you can feast those peepers on this.
The spliiiits.
(water splashing)
All right, there's a group of babes by the Noodle Chest.
Work your magic.
Whew, it's warm out here!
Would you girls like to cool off in a cold, dark basement?
(laughs) I'm sorry.
What my friend meant to say is
you girls'll fit in real nice with the other treasures
in his basement.
Aah!
Beat it, pervs. We're going to my uncle's
so he can take pictures of us --
Tasteful nudes to launch our modeling careers.
(eerie music played on synthesizer)
Broadcasting live via short wave from a little RV
on planet truth, this is..."Truth Planet."
(playing Laura Branigan's "Self Control")
First of all, I want to say hello to the government
if you're listening -- of course they are --
and a quick shout-out to Stamps.com
for sponsoring the show.
SOUNDBOARD: Show me the money.
Today, we're going to sit down with legendary
Yeti hunter, Randy Ojai.
But first, are we really safe in our homes?
Truth bomb.
(explosion)
Take your kitchen.
Toasters -- what do we really know about them?
Does the bagel button do anything,
or does it just put you on a list?
Shabbat shalom.
You think you're safe in the bathroom?
Think again!
We all bring our phones in there!
The government hacks your camera and boom, they gotcha.
Hook, line, and stinkerrrr!
(toilet flush)
(knocking at door) STAN: Francine!
Come on, Francine!
I know you're upset I was controlling your mind
with "Morning Mimosa!"
And I know it hurt to find out your husband
has six Daytime Emmys.
Wait, are you jealous of my monster success
in the notoriously fickle 11:00 A.M. slot?
Well, you should be flattered.
I may have dedicated all six Emmys to my lawyer,
the brilliant, ruthless Irwin Klein,
but I won them for you!
KLAUS: No babes?
I've got this basement pulsating with power,
and you're wasting it, Steve!
Gah!
(crash)
Everything okay down here?
Oh, you turned this into a darling little rumpus room.
Yeah, it's pretty sick.
Gosh, I haven't been in a basement like this
since high school.
(Journey's "Lovin', Touchin', Squeezin'" plays)
Ooh, this song. It really takes me back.
Did I ever tell you about the summer
I went on tour with a Journey cover band?
This is literally the first time we've met.
Mmm, air hockey?
No thanks. I don't feel like playing.
Aw, you're gonna make me play with myself?
* Lovin', touchin', squeezin'
Oh, no. The basement has her.
Listen to me.
We must leave this place right now!
* When I'm alone
* All by myself
(muffled) Oh, boy.
Why so glum, chum?
My wife found out I was using "Morning Mimosa!"
to control her mind.
Marriage -- It's a real tightrope walk.
Did you mention your Daytime Emmys?
No, I like to play that cool.
And now she doesn't believe anything I say.
She's embraced all these crazy conspiracy theories.
UFOs and Bigfoot.
Yeah, and she's blabbing about them
on some crackpot radio show.
Today she was going on about how the government
is watching us poop through our cellphones.
And she's broadcasting this on the radio?
I have to walk to my office now.
Goodbye. Don't follow me.
Project Toilet Cam has been compromised.
We need to eliminate Francine Smith.
(phone beeps)
(moaning, whistling)
(laughs)
This bank of monitors reminds me of "The Brady Bunch."
Except all these people are taking craps, not just Alice.
**
(video game beeping, gunfire)
I can't believe no one's ever tried
stretching the zombie gun over here!
The other one's getting away!
Yank that Sea-doo over here.
Let's run this (bleep) down.
Sir?
Okay, are you in position at Dave & Buster's?
Yes, sir. Stan is distracted and happy.
You are clear to eliminate Francine.
Excellent!
And I only mean that professionally,
not because I derive some sexual pleasure
from killing my friend's wife,
as you're so heavily implying.
(phone beeps)
I needed something like this to forget about Francine.
Wait, you told him Francine's getting whacked?
Shut up, dumb-ass!
What the hell is going on?
Dick's buying me more nachos.
No, with Francine.
(sighs) Bullock put a hit on her.
My wife's getting killed, and I'm at Dave & Buster's?
We were trying to protect you!
I don't need to be protected. I can handle bad news.
(gasps)
-We got to stop him! -Whoa!
(music plays) ANNOUNCER: At Dave & Buster's,
we've got the slippinest-slidinest
nachos in the world!
Mm-hmm.
Don't eat 'em!
(sighs) It's too bad we didn't get any
sweet-ass girls to come down to the basement.
The girls will come.
For now, I've got a sweet-ass man I can call Dad.
That's a very mature observation.
I think Del's already having a great effect on you.
(panting)
We need to get the (bleep) out of here!
DEL: I take you into my townhouse,
and this is how you repay me?!
MRS. LONSTEIN: It's not my fault, Del!
(tearfully) It was the basement!
-What did you do? -(screams)
Phew, thought this was a goner.
All right. Let's beat it before security gets here.
DEL: (tearfully) You ruined it!
You ruined it when you sat on that fish's face!
What's happening, Steve?
(sobs)
Yep, that's a wrap on Chesterbrook!
**
Let's keep it simple. Kill Francine on three.
One, two...
STAN: St-o-o-o-o-p!
Leave my wife alone!
(wheels squeaking)
I won!
For the last time, I wasn't racing you
and I clearly passed the mailbox first.
Sir, please...
Smith, I don't want to go to war with you and your goons!
This is between me and the woman who uncovered
Project Toilet Cam.
Compromising photos of people on the toilet
are the greatest ass-et (snickers)
we have against terrorism.
What? I don't follow.
Think, Smith. What's the most embarrassing
thing you don't want anyone to see?
You leave my children out of this!
Remember the time you ate poached salmon
from an Amoco gas station?
(moaning)
Delete that! I'll do anything you want!
This is why I'm not worried about ISIS.
Sir, we've searched the premises.
There's no sign of Francine Smith
or the Winnebago she was broadcasting from.
All right team, regroup at the CIA.
We'll pick her up on satellite. She can't hide for long.
Release the satellite!
Great job!
Guys, I talked to the hunchback,
and he's been feeling isolated.
Could you maybe make an effort to be a little nicer to him?
Charles! Come over here!
Here's a fresh herring for everyone.
Please, feed it to the hunchback.
So, did everyone catch the game last night?
I see you looking.
It's okay to ask about the hump.
**
Hmm. One day.
Roger, we got to find Francine!
Oh, she gon'! When someone that paranoid
takes off, they always head right off the grid.
A grid runner.
The first thing she'll do is hide
in a communication dead zone.
Needle in a haystack, Stan.
That's the nation's most comprehensive 4G network.
This ain't Cricket Wireless we're talking about.
Verizon's the big dog.
Big dogs got to eat.
Is Verizon paying me to say any of this?
There!
I'm down to one bar. Spread out.
(phone beeping)
No signal. I'm off the grid.
Aah!
Huh.
Francine, we need to leave!
The CIA is coming to kill you!
I'm supposed to believe you're telling me the truth now?
Look, I'm sorry I didn't think you could handle the real world,
and for executive producing a hit daytime show
to hide it from you.
Because I'm too fragile?
That's what I told myself.
But when the guys did it to me today,
I realized they were being selfish,
just keeping me happy to make their lives easier.
What were they hiding from you?
The fact that the CIA's gonna kill you!
So one of my theories was right!
Which was it? It was the toilet cams.
Really?
Not that Papa John and Peyton Manning
had a sexual relationship for 17 years?
(helicopters approaching)
BULLOCK: Francine Smith, surrender yourself!
Look, I shouldn't be trying to shield you from things,
no matter how bad they are.
I should be getting through them with you -- Together.
How are we gonna get through this?
Do you trust me? I do.
Great. Now, I know this is your bear trap
so I don't want you to take it personally
when I say that I hate it.
It feels awful.
Hold your fire! I'd like to propose a deal!
Of course.
Kindly step out of the line of fire to the negotiating area.
Aah!
N-o-o-o! Francine!
What have you done?!
I saved America!
Take the weekend to grieve!
Mmm.
This isn't part of the plan.
No one's gonna believe I'm Francine's corpse
unless they see us having sex.
All right, that's enough.
Let's make a deal.
From now on, no more lies between us.
Right. And no more conspiracies.
Well, one more conspiracy.
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.
I can't believe Stan brought a date to his wife's funeral.
What a baller!
Yeah, and he certainly has a type --
Blonde, beautiful, and named Francine.
And now, the Chesterbrook Quartet
will perform Dead Francine's favorite song.
(playing Linkin Park's "In the End")
* It starts with
* One thing!
Bye! Have a beautiful time!