1 00:00:03,504 --> 00:00:05,373 This magazine rules! 2 00:00:05,473 --> 00:00:08,542 The whole issue is about old steam locomotives. 3 00:00:08,642 --> 00:00:10,211 There's even an article on the physics 4 00:00:10,311 --> 00:00:12,213 of opening a hose called the monkey tail 5 00:00:12,313 --> 00:00:13,547 so the steam doesn't -- 6 00:00:13,647 --> 00:00:15,383 Wait, why am I reading about trains? 7 00:00:15,483 --> 00:00:16,584 Do I like trains? 8 00:00:16,684 --> 00:00:17,927 - STAN: I got it for you! - (gasps) 9 00:00:17,951 --> 00:00:19,453 I heard kids on the spectrum 10 00:00:19,553 --> 00:00:21,289 love to learn about that sort of stuff. 11 00:00:21,389 --> 00:00:22,856 I'm not on the spectrum! 12 00:00:22,956 --> 00:00:24,858 Wait, could I be? Should we test me for that? 13 00:00:24,958 --> 00:00:27,061 Steve, testing kids is very expensive, 14 00:00:27,161 --> 00:00:29,029 whereas that magazine was $2.50. 15 00:00:29,130 --> 00:00:31,432 250th day of the year, September 7th. 16 00:00:31,532 --> 00:00:32,900 In 1991, actor Harry Hamlin 17 00:00:33,000 --> 00:00:34,278 marries actress Nicollette Sheridan. 18 00:00:34,302 --> 00:00:35,469 - KLAUS: Ooh! - (both gasp) 19 00:00:35,569 --> 00:00:37,405 My second favorite Desperate Housewife! 20 00:00:37,505 --> 00:00:39,107 She is a gem! 21 00:00:39,207 --> 00:00:42,376 Speaking of gems, the Bradford Railway Company 22 00:00:42,476 --> 00:00:46,247 is retiring their most famous train, the Dodge City Rambler. 23 00:00:46,347 --> 00:00:49,817 It's making one last trip from D.C. to Dodge City, Kansas. 24 00:00:49,917 --> 00:00:51,561 - FRANCINE: Did you say Dodge City? - (all gasp) 25 00:00:51,585 --> 00:00:54,088 My Aunt Karen lives in Dodge City! 26 00:00:54,188 --> 00:00:56,957 It's been ages, but you remember Aunt Karen, right? 27 00:00:57,057 --> 00:00:59,393 Karen. 28 00:00:59,493 --> 00:01:01,795 Ooh, you are so greedy, Orvis. 29 00:01:01,895 --> 00:01:04,298 (slurping) 30 00:01:04,398 --> 00:01:07,135 Some people think it's gross to share food with a dog, 31 00:01:07,235 --> 00:01:10,104 but the way I figure, we both already have heartworm, 32 00:01:10,204 --> 00:01:11,672 so why the heck not? 33 00:01:13,741 --> 00:01:16,344 Karen. 34 00:01:18,412 --> 00:01:20,981 FRANCINE: Oh, Stan remembers! 35 00:01:21,081 --> 00:01:24,252 And since the train's going to Dodge City, 36 00:01:24,352 --> 00:01:26,454 we can take the train and visit her. 37 00:01:26,554 --> 00:01:27,621 N-No, no! No Karen! 38 00:01:27,721 --> 00:01:29,089 - I-I hate it there! - What? 39 00:01:29,190 --> 00:01:31,024 Honey, Karen and I don't gel. 40 00:01:31,125 --> 00:01:32,760 She thinks I'm just wonderful, 41 00:01:32,860 --> 00:01:35,496 and I think she's a slob who should be thrown off a cliff. 42 00:01:35,596 --> 00:01:39,433 I don't always gel with your family, but I'm there for you. 43 00:01:39,533 --> 00:01:40,768 Of course. 44 00:01:40,868 --> 00:01:42,179 It's much easier for you because my family's better. 45 00:01:42,203 --> 00:01:44,938 We're taking the train to visit Aunt Karen. 46 00:01:45,038 --> 00:01:46,607 End of discussion. 47 00:01:46,707 --> 00:01:48,442 Wait. What just happened? 48 00:01:48,542 --> 00:01:50,144 - You blew it, homeboy. - (both gasp) 49 00:01:50,244 --> 00:01:51,355 What are you doing down there? 50 00:01:51,379 --> 00:01:52,680 Not having sex with Jeff! 51 00:01:52,780 --> 00:01:55,316 We know the living room's off limits, Mr. S! 52 00:01:55,416 --> 00:01:57,485 And we would never use the feeling of danger 53 00:01:57,585 --> 00:01:58,786 to juice the lovemaking. 54 00:01:58,886 --> 00:02:01,155 Ooh, that's a big train! 55 00:02:01,255 --> 00:02:04,192 If anyone else is in this room, come out now! 56 00:02:04,292 --> 00:02:05,559 Roger? 57 00:02:07,828 --> 00:02:09,029 Okay, now, as I was say-- 58 00:02:09,129 --> 00:02:11,199 Roger! 59 00:02:11,299 --> 00:02:12,733 It's okay. It's okay, everyone. 60 00:02:12,833 --> 00:02:15,703 It was just Roger hiding in the drapes like yesterday. 61 00:02:18,639 --> 00:02:20,874 ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ 62 00:02:20,974 --> 00:02:25,012 ♪ I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪ 63 00:02:25,112 --> 00:02:27,915 ♪ The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪ 64 00:02:28,015 --> 00:02:32,253 ♪ And he's shinin' a salute to the American race ♪ 65 00:02:34,188 --> 00:02:37,558 ♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪ 66 00:02:37,658 --> 00:02:39,993 - ♪ Good -- ♪ - ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ 67 00:02:40,093 --> 00:02:41,093 Aah! 68 00:02:42,496 --> 00:02:45,733 ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ 69 00:02:49,036 --> 00:02:51,572 HAYLEY: Oh, good. Other people wore the clothes, too. 70 00:02:51,672 --> 00:02:54,408 Stan, I'm glad you came around. 71 00:02:54,508 --> 00:02:56,377 And even though you didn't use your words, 72 00:02:56,477 --> 00:02:59,380 your being here is all the apology I need. 73 00:02:59,480 --> 00:03:02,550 I'm only here because you hid all my regular clothes. 74 00:03:02,650 --> 00:03:04,117 Memphis Stormfront here. 75 00:03:04,218 --> 00:03:05,586 Even though I'm a weatherman 76 00:03:05,686 --> 00:03:08,422 and a hurricane is raging just 10 miles away, 77 00:03:08,522 --> 00:03:11,459 I'm happy to be reporting on this train thing! 78 00:03:11,559 --> 00:03:14,027 Dodge City Rambler! Oh, yeah! 79 00:03:14,127 --> 00:03:15,396 People are excited! 80 00:03:15,496 --> 00:03:16,630 For some reason! 81 00:03:16,730 --> 00:03:18,632 The Rambler is not just a train. 82 00:03:18,732 --> 00:03:21,702 It's also a time machine to the 1800s. 83 00:03:21,802 --> 00:03:24,071 1800?! That's a perfect SAT score! 84 00:03:24,171 --> 00:03:25,406 That's totally wrong. 85 00:03:25,506 --> 00:03:28,942 And watch out for the Magilicutty Gang! 86 00:03:29,042 --> 00:03:31,945 The sworn enemy of the Bradford Railway Company! 87 00:03:32,045 --> 00:03:33,113 Oh, screw this. 88 00:03:33,213 --> 00:03:34,453 The train's going to Dodge City 89 00:03:34,515 --> 00:03:36,116 to become part of some stupid museum. 90 00:03:36,216 --> 00:03:38,786 The Boot Hill Museum, y'all! 91 00:03:38,886 --> 00:03:40,954 Get outta my shot! 92 00:03:41,054 --> 00:03:42,456 What's taking so long?! 93 00:03:42,556 --> 00:03:44,534 I don't want to spend one minute more than I have to 94 00:03:44,558 --> 00:03:47,060 in these stupid clothes on this stupid train 95 00:03:47,160 --> 00:03:49,263 on the way to visit your stupid, frizzy-haired -- 96 00:03:49,363 --> 00:03:51,499 - Slob! - Hello, everyone! 97 00:03:51,599 --> 00:03:53,734 Oh, my God! Aunt Karen! 98 00:03:53,834 --> 00:03:55,403 -Stan, it's -- -Slob! 99 00:03:55,503 --> 00:03:56,570 Why is slob here?! 100 00:03:56,670 --> 00:03:57,910 When I heard you were visiting, 101 00:03:57,938 --> 00:03:59,940 I thought, "Oh, great! 102 00:04:00,040 --> 00:04:01,775 I'll come and ride with you!" 103 00:04:01,875 --> 00:04:03,277 Fantastic! 104 00:04:03,377 --> 00:04:05,579 It'll give us even more time together! 105 00:04:05,679 --> 00:04:08,015 Great! Now, who wants to help me 106 00:04:08,115 --> 00:04:09,783 comb the two insanely long hairs 107 00:04:09,883 --> 00:04:11,419 I have growing out of my shoulder? 108 00:04:11,519 --> 00:04:13,521 Stan? 109 00:04:18,191 --> 00:04:19,493 This is a stickup! 110 00:04:19,593 --> 00:04:22,029 Phones in the bag! (laughs) 111 00:04:22,129 --> 00:04:25,866 Let's turn back the clock to a time before phones. 112 00:04:25,966 --> 00:04:28,536 But after guns and bags. 113 00:04:31,605 --> 00:04:33,273 Hey, Roger. 114 00:04:33,374 --> 00:04:35,776 That guy. Does he look familiar to you? 115 00:04:35,876 --> 00:04:38,646 ROGER: Hayley, that's James Corden. 116 00:04:38,746 --> 00:04:40,714 What? James Corden is white. 117 00:04:40,814 --> 00:04:43,517 I think that turned out to be a cruel rumor. 118 00:04:43,617 --> 00:04:45,686 Look! He avoided eye contact! 119 00:04:45,786 --> 00:04:47,655 He's definitely someone. 120 00:04:47,755 --> 00:04:49,323 -We should -- -Blow him. Totally agree. 121 00:04:49,423 --> 00:04:50,624 Let's move. 122 00:04:50,724 --> 00:04:52,626 (train whistle blows) 123 00:04:54,695 --> 00:04:58,131 ANNOUNCER: The Bradford Railway Company welcomes you aboard! 124 00:04:58,231 --> 00:05:03,236 So relax and enjoy a taste of how America used to travel. 125 00:05:03,337 --> 00:05:05,339 - (snoring) - (coughing) 126 00:05:05,439 --> 00:05:07,575 Isn't this charming?! 127 00:05:07,675 --> 00:05:10,177 Ugh! Maybe ol' sleepin' tube-nose here 128 00:05:10,277 --> 00:05:12,045 will enjoy a view of the smoke. 129 00:05:13,981 --> 00:05:16,149 (train whistle blowing) 130 00:05:16,249 --> 00:05:17,985 Ow! Motherf-- 131 00:05:18,085 --> 00:05:20,220 ACTOR #1: By golly, they said it couldn't be done, 132 00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:22,356 but you, Joseph Bradford, 133 00:05:22,456 --> 00:05:24,992 have built the greatest train on Earth! 134 00:05:25,092 --> 00:05:26,169 What is this? Why is this happening? 135 00:05:26,193 --> 00:05:27,861 It's wonderful actors, Dad! 136 00:05:27,961 --> 00:05:29,730 You can tell by how loud they're talking 137 00:05:29,830 --> 00:05:31,365 that this is a huge break for them. 138 00:05:31,465 --> 00:05:34,702 I did it for all Americans! 139 00:05:34,802 --> 00:05:38,439 I just wish that poor and dirty Magilicutty Family 140 00:05:38,539 --> 00:05:39,873 saw it that way. 141 00:05:39,973 --> 00:05:42,075 Oh, the Magilicutty Gang! 142 00:05:42,175 --> 00:05:44,712 They're lost souls, each one. 143 00:05:44,812 --> 00:05:46,947 What should we do about them, sir? 144 00:05:47,047 --> 00:05:49,750 I don't do audience participation. 145 00:05:49,850 --> 00:05:51,351 (Karen snoring) 146 00:05:51,452 --> 00:05:52,886 Hey. 147 00:05:52,986 --> 00:05:55,188 - (sighs) - (door opens, muffled shouting) 148 00:05:56,390 --> 00:05:59,126 Ooh, the Magilicutty Gang! 149 00:05:59,226 --> 00:06:01,028 Christ, more hacky actors?! 150 00:06:01,128 --> 00:06:02,463 Hey, I was one of the bankers 151 00:06:02,563 --> 00:06:03,964 in the movie Requiem for a Dream 152 00:06:04,064 --> 00:06:06,233 that yells, "Ass to ass," in that one scene. 153 00:06:06,333 --> 00:06:08,536 A little respect. 154 00:06:08,636 --> 00:06:12,239 These private lounge cars cost $20,000 to make 155 00:06:12,339 --> 00:06:13,774 in the 19th century. 156 00:06:13,874 --> 00:06:16,444 Nearly $1 million in today's currency. 157 00:06:16,544 --> 00:06:17,878 Are there any questions? 158 00:06:17,978 --> 00:06:21,782 Is money always worthing more in the future? 159 00:06:21,882 --> 00:06:23,951 Hi. Sorry to bother you, 160 00:06:24,051 --> 00:06:25,819 but do I know you from somewhere? 161 00:06:25,919 --> 00:06:27,254 I don't think so. 162 00:06:27,354 --> 00:06:28,674 'Scuse me, I dropped my lawnmower. 163 00:06:28,722 --> 00:06:30,066 I don't even know why I brought it. 164 00:06:30,090 --> 00:06:31,770 This is a train. Anyway, you look familiar. 165 00:06:31,825 --> 00:06:32,893 May I... 166 00:06:32,993 --> 00:06:34,462 Please. I'm trying to learn. 167 00:06:34,562 --> 00:06:36,730 - You James Corden? - No! 168 00:06:36,830 --> 00:06:38,632 Now, leave me alone! 169 00:06:38,732 --> 00:06:44,171 ♪♪ 170 00:06:44,271 --> 00:06:47,340 ANNOUNCER: Now approaching Roanoke Station. 171 00:06:47,441 --> 00:06:50,611 Dad, this train has a Mallet front cab boiler. 172 00:06:50,711 --> 00:06:52,946 That was a big leap forward in train technology. 173 00:06:53,046 --> 00:06:55,449 But was it as big a leap as this? 174 00:06:56,750 --> 00:06:58,752 General store, getting snacks! 175 00:06:58,852 --> 00:06:59,953 (bell jingles) 176 00:07:00,053 --> 00:07:01,421 You have anything for the man 177 00:07:01,522 --> 00:07:02,856 who was tricked into a train trip? 178 00:07:02,956 --> 00:07:04,658 I have Popsicles. 179 00:07:04,758 --> 00:07:05,826 Okay, two of those. 180 00:07:05,926 --> 00:07:07,495 Whoa, you sell marbles! 181 00:07:07,595 --> 00:07:09,329 I haven't played those since I was a kid! 182 00:07:09,429 --> 00:07:11,965 Ooh, good ones! Good feel on these. 183 00:07:12,065 --> 00:07:13,777 - These other ones look like good ones, too! - (train whistle blows) 184 00:07:13,801 --> 00:07:15,344 Sir, I think you're gonna miss your train. 185 00:07:15,368 --> 00:07:17,671 Oh, dang! A Tiger Eye Shooter! 186 00:07:17,771 --> 00:07:18,839 I always wanted one! 187 00:07:18,939 --> 00:07:20,941 (train whistle blowing) 188 00:07:21,041 --> 00:07:22,643 That's your train, sir. 189 00:07:22,743 --> 00:07:26,880 Sometimes you have to pass up one opportunity for another. 190 00:07:26,980 --> 00:07:28,482 Sir! 191 00:07:28,582 --> 00:07:31,118 I always thought if I ran this store for long enough, 192 00:07:31,218 --> 00:07:33,220 a nice lady would come in. 193 00:07:33,320 --> 00:07:36,857 But it's just men stealing marbles, day after day. 194 00:07:36,957 --> 00:07:38,626 (bell jingles) 195 00:07:38,726 --> 00:07:40,537 Uh, you don't have to worry about me missing the train. 196 00:07:40,561 --> 00:07:43,330 I came on foot. With plenty of money. 197 00:07:43,430 --> 00:07:45,799 (clears throat) Where are your marbles? 198 00:07:45,899 --> 00:07:47,376 Uh, I'll of course need to handle them. 199 00:07:47,400 --> 00:07:49,970 Uh, you know, the marbles. 200 00:07:50,070 --> 00:07:52,472 - (bell jingles) - (whistling) 201 00:07:52,573 --> 00:07:55,142 Stan! Move it! 202 00:07:55,242 --> 00:07:57,244 (slowly) Oh, no! 203 00:07:57,344 --> 00:07:59,880 I'm missing the train! 204 00:07:59,980 --> 00:08:01,515 Hurry, Billy! 205 00:08:01,615 --> 00:08:05,085 I'm coming, Daddyyyy! 206 00:08:05,185 --> 00:08:06,987 Billy, you monstrous kiss-ass. 207 00:08:07,087 --> 00:08:10,190 Eat my dust. 208 00:08:10,290 --> 00:08:12,660 I gave it my all, Francine. I'll just meet you there. 209 00:08:12,760 --> 00:08:14,194 Damn you, Stan! 210 00:08:14,294 --> 00:08:16,263 You're nothing but a crumb-bum! 211 00:08:16,363 --> 00:08:20,200 (gasps) She uttered the C-word! 212 00:08:20,300 --> 00:08:22,736 Help! No! He's got a gun! Help! 213 00:08:22,836 --> 00:08:24,772 (gunshots) 214 00:08:24,872 --> 00:08:28,241 Ooh, the play's finally getting good, and I'm missing it. 215 00:08:29,777 --> 00:08:31,044 I've been shot. 216 00:08:31,144 --> 00:08:32,345 Ah, well, now you ruined it. 217 00:08:32,445 --> 00:08:34,447 I mean, your acting is blah! 218 00:08:34,548 --> 00:08:36,550 The other guy, the gun guy, he brought it. 219 00:08:36,650 --> 00:08:40,721 No! The Magilicuttys are hijacking the train! 220 00:08:40,821 --> 00:08:42,890 The real Magilicuttys! 221 00:08:42,990 --> 00:08:44,424 (coughs) 222 00:08:44,524 --> 00:08:45,626 Listen closely. 223 00:08:45,726 --> 00:08:47,460 You need to quit acting. 224 00:08:47,561 --> 00:08:48,862 All of this sucks. 225 00:08:48,962 --> 00:08:50,306 Sure, the special effects are decent. 226 00:08:50,330 --> 00:08:51,732 Aah! 227 00:08:51,832 --> 00:08:54,434 You're not any good! 228 00:08:54,534 --> 00:08:56,369 All right, now, this -- this here isn't bad. 229 00:08:56,469 --> 00:08:58,105 And that pebble in your open eye -- 230 00:08:58,205 --> 00:08:59,807 I mean, I'd be blinking. 231 00:09:04,377 --> 00:09:06,313 Well, after five minutes of trying to remember 232 00:09:06,413 --> 00:09:08,548 how to do CPR, I'm officially calling it. 233 00:09:08,649 --> 00:09:10,217 You're dead. (sighs) 234 00:09:10,317 --> 00:09:11,551 Okay, what do I know? 235 00:09:11,652 --> 00:09:13,220 One, I have marbles. 236 00:09:13,320 --> 00:09:15,222 Two, I don't know CPR. 237 00:09:15,322 --> 00:09:17,490 Three, there are actual murderous outlaws 238 00:09:17,591 --> 00:09:18,892 on the train with my family. 239 00:09:18,992 --> 00:09:20,794 (gasps) I have to get on that train! 240 00:09:23,330 --> 00:09:25,065 Let's turn it around. 241 00:09:25,165 --> 00:09:26,600 I'm commandeering this handcar. 242 00:09:26,700 --> 00:09:27,935 What?! No! 243 00:09:28,035 --> 00:09:30,170 I'm out looking for purdy ladies! 244 00:09:30,270 --> 00:09:32,773 Let me just say the ladies in that direction 245 00:09:32,873 --> 00:09:35,308 are wowza, wowza, wowza! 246 00:09:35,408 --> 00:09:37,144 (panting) 247 00:09:39,913 --> 00:09:42,115 Okay, now, this is interesting, Mom. 248 00:09:42,215 --> 00:09:45,152 They used Harding bearings along the pistons. 249 00:09:45,252 --> 00:09:47,487 Your dad abandoned us! 250 00:09:47,587 --> 00:09:51,491 Um, actually, the train's lighter now, yeah, yeah. 251 00:09:51,591 --> 00:09:54,094 Sh-Should improve our power-to-weight ratio. 252 00:09:54,194 --> 00:09:57,164 Dear old Dad, always thinking of his family. 253 00:09:57,264 --> 00:09:59,967 That's not what's happening! 254 00:10:00,067 --> 00:10:02,102 Hey, the engineer wouldn't cooperate. 255 00:10:02,202 --> 00:10:03,871 I had to kill him. 256 00:10:03,971 --> 00:10:06,439 But he's the only one who knows how to operate this thing! 257 00:10:06,539 --> 00:10:09,677 If the train slows down, our plan will never work! 258 00:10:09,777 --> 00:10:11,011 Let me think. 259 00:10:11,111 --> 00:10:12,980 Somebody here has to know something. 260 00:10:13,080 --> 00:10:15,482 STEVE: A Tennison crankshaft rod! 261 00:10:15,582 --> 00:10:17,651 Well, that makes two hard rods. 262 00:10:17,751 --> 00:10:18,986 Shut that kid up! 263 00:10:19,953 --> 00:10:21,789 You idiot! 264 00:10:21,889 --> 00:10:23,556 That's our guy. 265 00:10:23,657 --> 00:10:25,392 Howdy, folks! 266 00:10:25,492 --> 00:10:28,662 I understand we have a little boy with trains on the brain. 267 00:10:28,762 --> 00:10:30,397 Well, I don't like labels. 268 00:10:30,497 --> 00:10:32,399 But do you like going to the front 269 00:10:32,499 --> 00:10:33,834 and seeing all the spectrum 270 00:10:33,934 --> 00:10:36,469 attention-grabbin' dials and gauges? 271 00:10:36,569 --> 00:10:38,672 Why does everybody assume I'm on the spectrum? 272 00:10:38,772 --> 00:10:40,092 Take me to the gauges immediately. 273 00:10:40,140 --> 00:10:41,141 No eye contact. 274 00:10:42,876 --> 00:10:44,377 (panting) 275 00:10:44,477 --> 00:10:46,980 I have to pump fast to catch up with the ladies, 276 00:10:47,080 --> 00:10:50,383 but I have to save some energy for the ladies themselves! 277 00:10:50,483 --> 00:10:53,520 You know what I mean? (purrs) 278 00:10:53,620 --> 00:10:55,355 I know there's one lady in this direction 279 00:10:55,455 --> 00:10:58,058 who's in a whole lot of trouble, and we've got to save her. 280 00:10:58,158 --> 00:11:00,060 Does she have great big knockers? 281 00:11:00,160 --> 00:11:01,762 Damn right she does. 282 00:11:01,862 --> 00:11:04,197 (train whistle blows) 283 00:11:04,297 --> 00:11:07,534 The Dodge City Rambler was the way to the West. 284 00:11:07,634 --> 00:11:11,504 The chains you see ensured consensual sex workers 285 00:11:11,604 --> 00:11:13,874 and well-treated Chinese immigrants 286 00:11:13,974 --> 00:11:16,176 were comfortable on their journeys. 287 00:11:16,276 --> 00:11:17,745 Moving on. 288 00:11:21,348 --> 00:11:22,449 All right, buddy, enough. 289 00:11:22,549 --> 00:11:24,384 - Quit dodging us. - Who are you?! 290 00:11:24,484 --> 00:11:26,053 This isn't going to end, will it? 291 00:11:26,153 --> 00:11:28,621 - Never! - Actually, I'll lose interest pretty soon. 292 00:11:28,722 --> 00:11:30,958 (sighs) I'm Prince. 293 00:11:31,058 --> 00:11:33,260 - Huh? - Rock god, sex icon. 294 00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:34,360 Prince. 295 00:11:34,394 --> 00:11:35,462 No way! 296 00:11:35,562 --> 00:11:38,265 ♪♪ 297 00:11:39,867 --> 00:11:41,434 100% it's him. 298 00:11:41,534 --> 00:11:43,470 Send him to me! I'll be the judge of that! 299 00:11:43,570 --> 00:11:46,573 (panting) 300 00:11:46,673 --> 00:11:48,141 Pump for your life! 301 00:11:49,609 --> 00:11:50,744 We made it! 302 00:11:50,844 --> 00:11:53,146 Okay, now, where them ladies at? 303 00:11:53,246 --> 00:11:55,548 Ohh! Ahh! 304 00:11:55,648 --> 00:11:57,985 He died doing the thing he loved -- 305 00:11:58,085 --> 00:12:00,587 being unsure where them ladies at. 306 00:12:01,822 --> 00:12:04,958 You see, I faked my death because my touring schedule 307 00:12:05,058 --> 00:12:07,727 didn't give me time to study my true passion -- 308 00:12:07,828 --> 00:12:10,230 the history of transportation. 309 00:12:10,330 --> 00:12:12,833 Would you... consider singing something? 310 00:12:12,933 --> 00:12:15,002 Well, if you keep my secret, 311 00:12:15,102 --> 00:12:18,505 I guess I did write a little somethin', mm, new recently. 312 00:12:18,605 --> 00:12:20,307 - Was it Little Red Corvette? - No. 313 00:12:20,407 --> 00:12:22,275 Could you do Little Red Corvette? 314 00:12:22,375 --> 00:12:24,011 Just let him sing! 315 00:12:24,111 --> 00:12:26,113 Dear friends, we are here 316 00:12:26,213 --> 00:12:29,016 to talk about the history of transportation. 317 00:12:29,116 --> 00:12:30,117 Whoo! 318 00:12:30,217 --> 00:12:31,952 (pounding on door) 319 00:12:32,052 --> 00:12:34,287 Damn. Locked. 320 00:12:34,387 --> 00:12:36,523 I'll have to go to the roof. 321 00:12:36,623 --> 00:12:38,525 Whoa! This is amazing! 322 00:12:38,625 --> 00:12:40,794 Is that... Stan? 323 00:12:40,894 --> 00:12:43,763 STAN: I see why they do action scenes up here in movies! 324 00:12:43,864 --> 00:12:45,265 The wind, the tunnels -- 325 00:12:45,365 --> 00:12:46,800 - Aah! Tunnel! - (thud) 326 00:12:46,900 --> 00:12:48,201 Dodged it. 327 00:12:48,301 --> 00:12:49,769 Wow, that was awesome! 328 00:12:49,870 --> 00:12:51,638 Should I stay on top of the train? 329 00:12:51,738 --> 00:12:53,173 No, no, family's in danger. 330 00:12:53,273 --> 00:12:55,442 (thudding footsteps) 331 00:12:55,542 --> 00:12:58,711 So, like I was saying... 332 00:12:58,812 --> 00:13:00,213 Dear friends, we are here -- 333 00:13:00,313 --> 00:13:01,481 Actually, could you not? 334 00:13:01,581 --> 00:13:03,216 The moment's passed. 335 00:13:03,316 --> 00:13:05,819 Francine! Family! 336 00:13:05,919 --> 00:13:07,988 What if something horrible already happened? 337 00:13:08,088 --> 00:13:11,124 -ALL: Steve! Steve! Steve! Steve! Steve! -(gasps) 338 00:13:11,224 --> 00:13:13,526 Guys, guys, it's no biggie. 339 00:13:13,626 --> 00:13:15,562 Cleaning out that ash pan was all it took 340 00:13:15,662 --> 00:13:17,965 to get this train cruising. 341 00:13:18,065 --> 00:13:19,666 Well, look who it is. 342 00:13:19,766 --> 00:13:22,535 I'm sorry I got off the train, but I'm back. 343 00:13:22,635 --> 00:13:24,613 And now we all have to get off the train immediately. 344 00:13:24,637 --> 00:13:26,573 We're not going anywhere, Stan. 345 00:13:26,673 --> 00:13:29,309 Whoo-ha! Nice work, kid! 346 00:13:29,409 --> 00:13:31,178 The train is flying now! 347 00:13:31,278 --> 00:13:32,712 (gasps) Bad guy! 348 00:13:32,812 --> 00:13:37,084 Francine, I know you're mad, but if you come with me... 349 00:13:37,184 --> 00:13:41,021 to the back... between two passenger cars, there's a... 350 00:13:41,121 --> 00:13:43,056 sick bat that will... 351 00:13:43,156 --> 00:13:44,925 let you look at it up close. 352 00:13:45,025 --> 00:13:46,426 Like at the lake house? 353 00:13:46,526 --> 00:13:47,760 - Yes! - No! 354 00:13:47,861 --> 00:13:50,397 Francine, this man is not what he seems. 355 00:13:50,497 --> 00:13:52,832 Yes, because he's acting. 356 00:13:52,933 --> 00:13:55,435 And you should know all about acting 357 00:13:55,535 --> 00:13:58,939 because you've been acting like a total ass! 358 00:13:59,039 --> 00:14:02,109 Nobody knows the train's been hijacked. 359 00:14:02,209 --> 00:14:04,411 Why aren't these guys making any demands? 360 00:14:04,511 --> 00:14:07,514 Oh, demands were made, but nobody listened. 361 00:14:07,614 --> 00:14:11,684 But everybody's gonna hear when this train blows sky high. 362 00:14:11,784 --> 00:14:14,087 Destroy the train? We have to stop them. 363 00:14:14,187 --> 00:14:16,289 - Will you help me? - Absolutely. 364 00:14:16,389 --> 00:14:18,834 - Great. You seem to know what's going on with this gang. - Sure do. 365 00:14:18,858 --> 00:14:19,969 - Look just like them, in fact. - Yes. 366 00:14:19,993 --> 00:14:20,993 - Hat. - Yep. 367 00:14:21,028 --> 00:14:22,095 - Pistols. - Mm-hmm. 368 00:14:22,195 --> 00:14:23,863 All the way down to the red bandana. 369 00:14:23,964 --> 00:14:25,608 - Yep, good eye. - You're gonna knock me out, aren't you? 370 00:14:25,632 --> 00:14:26,900 Yes, I am. That's correct. 371 00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:27,867 (thud) 372 00:14:27,968 --> 00:14:28,968 STAN: Mm. 373 00:14:29,036 --> 00:14:30,303 What's going on? 374 00:14:30,403 --> 00:14:32,239 Are we still going to Dodge City? 375 00:14:32,339 --> 00:14:36,209 We're goin' straight to hell! 376 00:14:36,309 --> 00:14:38,578 That was cool. That was a really cool thing to say. 377 00:14:38,678 --> 00:14:40,247 You think that was cool? 378 00:14:40,347 --> 00:14:42,582 Wait till the boys and I ram this train 379 00:14:42,682 --> 00:14:46,053 right into the Bradford Railway Company headquarters. 380 00:14:46,153 --> 00:14:47,454 You'll kill everybody! 381 00:14:47,554 --> 00:14:49,589 Please, let me go. Let me see my family. 382 00:14:49,689 --> 00:14:51,391 Boss, this one's being gross. 383 00:14:51,491 --> 00:14:54,794 She keeps speculating on the size of Elliott Gould's penis. 384 00:14:54,894 --> 00:14:56,263 I bet it's a whopper! 385 00:14:56,363 --> 00:14:57,730 Cuff her next to him. 386 00:14:57,830 --> 00:15:00,067 No, no, please! 387 00:15:00,167 --> 00:15:02,002 Sorry, my butt's pointed at you. 388 00:15:02,102 --> 00:15:03,336 And, boy, when I get nervous, 389 00:15:03,436 --> 00:15:05,438 that's exactly where I fart from. 390 00:15:05,538 --> 00:15:07,474 Whew! Starting to wish I hadn't horked down 391 00:15:07,574 --> 00:15:09,576 all those raw Brussels sprouts. 392 00:15:09,676 --> 00:15:11,611 Hurry! Crash the train! 393 00:15:15,248 --> 00:15:18,085 (train whistle blares) 394 00:15:18,185 --> 00:15:19,862 You're gonna crash this train into a building. 395 00:15:19,886 --> 00:15:21,788 - Are you crazy? - You think that's crazy? 396 00:15:21,888 --> 00:15:24,491 You should see the price of my dog's gourmet dog food. 397 00:15:24,591 --> 00:15:26,259 But he insists on it. 398 00:15:26,359 --> 00:15:28,595 - I eat it, too. - Thank you. 399 00:15:28,695 --> 00:15:30,695 Now, why are you killing all these innocent people? 400 00:15:30,730 --> 00:15:32,299 Innocent?! 401 00:15:32,399 --> 00:15:35,602 Nobody who supports the Bradford Railway Company is innocent. 402 00:15:35,702 --> 00:15:38,938 The Bradford Railway Company carved up this land, 403 00:15:39,039 --> 00:15:41,608 laying tracks wherever they damn well pleased. 404 00:15:41,708 --> 00:15:43,876 They sent this Rambler straight through 405 00:15:43,977 --> 00:15:46,846 my great-great-grandpappy's property, 406 00:15:46,946 --> 00:15:51,184 right between his home and his outhouse! 407 00:15:52,552 --> 00:15:54,821 Whenever Pappy went to the john, 408 00:15:54,921 --> 00:15:56,789 the Rambler blew through. 409 00:15:56,889 --> 00:16:00,327 And he had to hold it and hold it. 410 00:16:00,427 --> 00:16:03,196 Till he couldn't hold it no more. 411 00:16:03,296 --> 00:16:04,797 (gurgling) 412 00:16:04,897 --> 00:16:08,168 Looks like my caboose is cleaner than yours! 413 00:16:09,636 --> 00:16:11,071 So you're gonna crash this train 414 00:16:11,171 --> 00:16:12,972 into a building full of people 415 00:16:13,073 --> 00:16:16,409 all because some old relative of yours messed his long johns? 416 00:16:16,509 --> 00:16:18,645 Put that rag back in your mouth! 417 00:16:18,745 --> 00:16:21,048 I'm on a moral crusade! 418 00:16:21,148 --> 00:16:23,083 Hey, guys, shouldn't we be making 419 00:16:23,183 --> 00:16:24,517 some of these stop-- (gasps) 420 00:16:24,617 --> 00:16:25,885 Steve! Pull the brake! 421 00:16:25,985 --> 00:16:27,330 They're trying to blow up the train! 422 00:16:27,354 --> 00:16:29,356 It's too late! (laughs) 423 00:16:29,456 --> 00:16:32,192 He already taught me everything I need to know, 424 00:16:32,292 --> 00:16:34,927 like how to cut the brakes! 425 00:16:35,595 --> 00:16:36,863 Ha! 426 00:16:36,963 --> 00:16:39,032 This fool just cut the steam whistle. 427 00:16:39,132 --> 00:16:41,534 If he knew anything about air compressors, 428 00:16:41,634 --> 00:16:44,071 he would've used that lever to disable the brakes. 429 00:16:45,605 --> 00:16:47,507 Are you friggin' kidding me, Steve? 430 00:16:47,607 --> 00:16:49,209 I need to be tested! 431 00:16:49,309 --> 00:16:51,111 Take them back with the others! 432 00:16:51,211 --> 00:16:52,879 They deserve a comfy seat 433 00:16:52,979 --> 00:16:56,716 for when we all go up in a giant ball of fire. 434 00:16:56,816 --> 00:16:59,018 When we what?! 435 00:16:59,119 --> 00:17:01,621 Hey, Clint, we all gonna get exploded? 436 00:17:01,721 --> 00:17:02,855 Yes, Donald. 437 00:17:02,955 --> 00:17:04,691 Well, nobody told me that. 438 00:17:04,791 --> 00:17:06,393 They shouldn't have to! 439 00:17:06,493 --> 00:17:08,895 When you married my sister Sally, 440 00:17:08,995 --> 00:17:10,797 you weren't just marrying her. 441 00:17:10,897 --> 00:17:13,233 You were marrying everything that comes with her. 442 00:17:13,333 --> 00:17:15,868 Like our family's kamikaze blood vendettas! 443 00:17:17,937 --> 00:17:20,607 Well, she's never mentioned the grandpa-poop-pants thing. 444 00:17:20,707 --> 00:17:23,610 Hell she didn't! It was in her dang wedding vows! 445 00:17:23,710 --> 00:17:25,212 Damn it! You're right! 446 00:17:27,814 --> 00:17:29,882 Just gonna grab my lucky hanky. 447 00:17:29,982 --> 00:17:31,784 Thought I'd wave it around, hoot and holler 448 00:17:31,884 --> 00:17:34,654 as I ride this train to hell. 449 00:17:34,754 --> 00:17:40,627 ♪♪ 450 00:17:42,162 --> 00:17:44,231 So I said to Nancy, 451 00:17:44,331 --> 00:17:47,167 "Let's just take our shoes off and settle this right now, 452 00:17:47,267 --> 00:17:49,836 'cause no one has less toenails than me." 453 00:17:49,936 --> 00:17:52,305 Aunt Karen, are you senile to the max or what? 454 00:17:52,405 --> 00:17:54,441 We're gonna die! (grunting) 455 00:17:55,575 --> 00:17:56,943 Senile? 456 00:17:57,043 --> 00:17:58,511 You're the one who lost his marbles! 457 00:17:58,611 --> 00:18:00,847 (chuckles) I used to play marbles. 458 00:18:00,947 --> 00:18:01,948 Was pretty good. 459 00:18:02,048 --> 00:18:03,416 (wheezes) 460 00:18:04,284 --> 00:18:05,852 Your oxygen. 461 00:18:05,952 --> 00:18:07,287 Don't worry, Karen. 462 00:18:07,387 --> 00:18:09,689 - It'll all be over soon. - No! 463 00:18:09,789 --> 00:18:11,424 What are you doing?! Help! 464 00:18:11,524 --> 00:18:12,592 My juice! 465 00:18:12,692 --> 00:18:14,361 He's killing me! 466 00:18:14,461 --> 00:18:16,429 (canister hissing) 467 00:18:16,529 --> 00:18:20,433 ♪♪ 468 00:18:20,533 --> 00:18:24,504 ♪♪ 469 00:18:24,604 --> 00:18:26,706 Now let's stop this thing. 470 00:18:26,806 --> 00:18:28,007 (blows) 471 00:18:31,711 --> 00:18:33,946 Whoooo! Ah! Ha! 472 00:18:34,046 --> 00:18:34,881 - Whoo-hoo! - (gunshots) 473 00:18:34,981 --> 00:18:36,316 (laughing) 474 00:18:36,416 --> 00:18:38,685 Ooh, gunshots! Should we check them out? 475 00:18:38,785 --> 00:18:40,620 Mm, I think I'll go the other way. 476 00:18:40,720 --> 00:18:41,954 Wait, Prince. 477 00:18:42,054 --> 00:18:44,491 Any last advice for us mere mortals? 478 00:18:44,591 --> 00:18:47,894 Yes. Write a song about a year that hasn't happened yet. 479 00:18:47,994 --> 00:18:51,798 And then when that year arrives, the song will be very popular. 480 00:18:52,665 --> 00:18:54,467 I can't stop it! 481 00:18:54,567 --> 00:18:57,304 We need to disconnect all the passenger cars from the engine. 482 00:18:57,404 --> 00:18:59,138 But the engine will still hit the building 483 00:18:59,239 --> 00:19:00,873 and kill everyone inside. 484 00:19:00,973 --> 00:19:02,842 Ugh! Nothing's good enough for you! 485 00:19:02,942 --> 00:19:04,477 But you're right. 486 00:19:04,577 --> 00:19:06,846 We've also gotta blow up the engine before it crashes. 487 00:19:06,946 --> 00:19:08,815 My oxygen! We can -- 488 00:19:08,915 --> 00:19:10,459 Use it to create a pressurized explosion! 489 00:19:10,483 --> 00:19:11,884 It was my idea. I said it first. 490 00:19:11,984 --> 00:19:14,421 But how do we not get blown up ourselves? 491 00:19:14,521 --> 00:19:18,825 Because I had the foresight to get off the train and buy this. 492 00:19:22,395 --> 00:19:24,063 Okay, pull it. 493 00:19:27,200 --> 00:19:29,101 Okay, shoot. 494 00:19:29,202 --> 00:19:31,704 Too close. We need more space. 495 00:19:31,804 --> 00:19:33,406 Still too close. 496 00:19:33,506 --> 00:19:35,174 Too close. 497 00:19:35,275 --> 00:19:36,843 Prince is alive! 498 00:19:36,943 --> 00:19:38,821 - He's on the train! - Quiet! I'm in the middle of -- 499 00:19:38,845 --> 00:19:41,514 Oh, my God, seriously?! That's amazing! 500 00:19:41,614 --> 00:19:43,115 Hey, what happened to the engine? 501 00:19:43,216 --> 00:19:46,553 I'm comin', Grandpappy! 502 00:19:46,653 --> 00:19:48,621 Oh, God, it's too far now. 503 00:19:48,721 --> 00:19:50,022 Not for me! 504 00:19:50,122 --> 00:19:53,893 ♪♪ 505 00:19:54,026 --> 00:19:57,764 ♪♪ 506 00:19:57,864 --> 00:20:00,600 Huh. I could've done that. 507 00:20:02,569 --> 00:20:03,436 Oh. 508 00:20:03,536 --> 00:20:05,204 (explosion) 509 00:20:05,305 --> 00:20:07,907 ROGER: Wow! We went through the fire. 510 00:20:08,007 --> 00:20:10,277 My face was hot for a second. 511 00:20:10,377 --> 00:20:16,583 ♪♪ 512 00:20:16,683 --> 00:20:20,052 (police radio chatter, indistinct talking) 513 00:20:20,152 --> 00:20:22,289 You have the right to remain funky. 514 00:20:24,424 --> 00:20:26,593 Stan! You're alive! 515 00:20:26,693 --> 00:20:28,328 Thank God everyone's okay. 516 00:20:28,428 --> 00:20:30,263 I'm so sorry I abandoned you. 517 00:20:30,363 --> 00:20:32,732 I know you didn't want to come on this dumb trip, 518 00:20:32,832 --> 00:20:35,067 and turns out you were right. 519 00:20:35,167 --> 00:20:36,736 No, I was wrong. 520 00:20:36,836 --> 00:20:39,472 What I did right was marry you. 521 00:20:39,572 --> 00:20:42,275 And I married everything that comes with you. 522 00:20:42,375 --> 00:20:44,611 I learned that from the bad guys. 523 00:20:44,711 --> 00:20:46,779 Bad guys are smart sometimes. 524 00:20:46,879 --> 00:20:48,114 So what do you guys say? 525 00:20:48,214 --> 00:20:50,116 Aunt Karen's for a long weekend? 526 00:20:50,216 --> 00:20:52,285 Uh, I think the hospital may be a better place. 527 00:20:52,385 --> 00:20:54,487 - She can't breathe. - Oh, she needs oxygen. 528 00:20:54,587 --> 00:20:56,532 -Oh, boy. Okay, that's a priority. -Okay, we need to find that right away. 529 00:20:56,556 --> 00:20:58,556 - Let's go, hurry up. - Quickly, quickly, everyone! 530 00:21:02,194 --> 00:21:06,132 Bye! Have a beautiful time! 531 00:21:06,232 --> 00:21:08,100 -- Captions by VITAC --