1
00:00:01,035 --> 00:00:04,004
**

2
00:00:04,105 --> 00:00:05,873
For Cultural Appreciation Day,

3
00:00:05,973 --> 00:00:09,009
I'm honoring 4,000 years
of Jewish tradition

4
00:00:09,110 --> 00:00:11,745
by circumcising
this unrealistically long

5
00:00:11,845 --> 00:00:13,514
Hebrew National.

6
00:00:15,883 --> 00:00:20,221
You can see why the ladies think
it looks...better.

7
00:00:20,321 --> 00:00:21,422
(chomp)

8
00:00:25,893 --> 00:00:27,695
**

9
00:00:27,795 --> 00:00:29,097
(girl shrieks)

10
00:00:31,765 --> 00:00:33,201
(shoes clacking)

11
00:00:33,301 --> 00:00:35,403
Wooden click-clack shoes
are the best part

12
00:00:35,503 --> 00:00:37,105
of being Dutch!

13
00:00:37,205 --> 00:00:38,539
But the wooden underwear

14
00:00:38,639 --> 00:00:41,409
gives me splinters
in my nether lands.

15
00:00:41,509 --> 00:00:43,043
You guys are so lucky.

16
00:00:43,144 --> 00:00:45,879
My dad won't tell me
anything about our heritage.

17
00:00:45,979 --> 00:00:47,915
He says being American
is enough.

18
00:00:48,015 --> 00:00:49,750
Really?
I thought that outfit

19
00:00:49,850 --> 00:00:51,385
was some kind of
religious get-up

20
00:00:51,485 --> 00:00:53,421
because you wear it
every day.

21
00:00:53,521 --> 00:00:55,823
And it's really
unflattering.

22
00:00:55,923 --> 00:00:56,890
(sighs)

23
00:00:57,024 --> 00:00:59,660
Everyone has cool
cultural traditions except me.

24
00:00:59,760 --> 00:01:01,495
I don't even know what I am.

25
00:01:01,595 --> 00:01:02,496
Guys!

26
00:01:02,596 --> 00:01:04,565
My arms are from Uzbekistan,

27
00:01:04,665 --> 00:01:07,000
and my legs are
from Thailand.

28
00:01:07,101 --> 00:01:09,237
My right eye is from India,

29
00:01:09,337 --> 00:01:12,573
and my left eye
is from a dairy cow.

30
00:01:12,673 --> 00:01:14,408
Even this monster has
a better sense

31
00:01:14,508 --> 00:01:16,277
of his cultural identity
than I do.

32
00:01:16,377 --> 00:01:19,413
Steve, having friends
who are monsters

33
00:01:19,513 --> 00:01:23,251
doesn't mean you can use
the "M" word.

34
00:01:23,351 --> 00:01:25,119
Spaghetti and meatballs.

35
00:01:25,219 --> 00:01:26,620
Gotta love my peeps!

36
00:01:26,720 --> 00:01:28,021
Wait, Principal Lewis,

37
00:01:28,122 --> 00:01:30,324
Italian food is
part of your culture?

38
00:01:30,424 --> 00:01:32,693
What should I be eating,
Steve?

39
00:01:32,793 --> 00:01:36,264
What should a man with my
physical attributes be eating?

40
00:01:36,364 --> 00:01:38,932
Something from a different
part of the world, perhaps?

41
00:01:39,032 --> 00:01:40,468
A certain continent?

42
00:01:40,568 --> 00:01:42,536
Should I be wearing
a different kind of clothing

43
00:01:42,636 --> 00:01:43,804
while eating it?

44
00:01:43,904 --> 00:01:45,038
Enlighten me, Steve.

45
00:01:45,139 --> 00:01:48,342
What should I be eating?!

46
00:01:48,442 --> 00:01:49,877
Uh...

47
00:01:49,977 --> 00:01:52,846
Deez nuts?

48
00:01:52,946 --> 00:01:55,216
Your silver tongue
has gotten you

49
00:01:55,316 --> 00:01:58,386
out of yet another
scrape, Smith.

50
00:01:58,486 --> 00:02:00,988
(patriotic music plays)

51
00:02:01,088 --> 00:02:03,557
* Good morning, U.S.A. *

52
00:02:03,657 --> 00:02:07,395
* I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day *

53
00:02:07,495 --> 00:02:10,498
* The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face *

54
00:02:10,598 --> 00:02:14,001
* And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race *

55
00:02:14,101 --> 00:02:16,704
**

56
00:02:16,804 --> 00:02:20,308
* Oh, boy, it's swell to say *

57
00:02:20,408 --> 00:02:22,476
-* Good -- *
-* Good morning, U.S.A. *

58
00:02:22,576 --> 00:02:23,711
Aah!

59
00:02:23,811 --> 00:02:24,978
**

60
00:02:25,078 --> 00:02:28,349
* Good morning, U.S.A. *

61
00:02:28,449 --> 00:02:30,851
**

62
00:02:30,951 --> 00:02:33,221
Dad, check out
my new project.

63
00:02:33,321 --> 00:02:36,056
This isn't another lame
science fair experiment, is it?

64
00:02:36,156 --> 00:02:37,758
No, I-I'm making
a family tree --

65
00:02:37,858 --> 00:02:39,560
No.
I'm talking about this.

66
00:02:39,660 --> 00:02:41,229
All of this.

67
00:02:41,329 --> 00:02:42,996
The simulation.

68
00:02:43,096 --> 00:02:44,665
Uh...no.

69
00:02:44,765 --> 00:02:46,200
I'm making a family tree

70
00:02:46,300 --> 00:02:48,436
so I can find
our family's roots.

71
00:02:48,536 --> 00:02:51,672
So far, all I have is you
and mom, Jack, and your mother.

72
00:02:51,772 --> 00:02:53,774
Oh, a-a-and you have
a brother, too, right?

73
00:02:53,874 --> 00:02:55,008
When it's convenient, yes.

74
00:02:55,108 --> 00:02:57,378
Well, since Mom and Hayley
are out of town,

75
00:02:57,478 --> 00:02:59,780
I was hoping you'd help me
fill in the empty branches.

76
00:02:59,880 --> 00:03:01,282
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

77
00:03:01,382 --> 00:03:02,550
(flame whooshes)

78
00:03:02,650 --> 00:03:04,184
Dad, what the hell?!

79
00:03:04,285 --> 00:03:06,420
It doesn't matter
where we came from.

80
00:03:06,520 --> 00:03:10,123
We're Americans, the badass
super-people all of humanity

81
00:03:10,224 --> 00:03:11,892
has been evolving to become!

82
00:03:11,992 --> 00:03:15,429
But everyone in school has neat
cultural traditions and stuff!

83
00:03:15,529 --> 00:03:17,097
Cultural traditions?

84
00:03:17,197 --> 00:03:19,066
Amber waves of grain, man.

85
00:03:19,166 --> 00:03:21,101
Purple mountains majesty, man.

86
00:03:21,201 --> 00:03:24,037
America made Bud, Bud Light,
Bud Select,

87
00:03:24,137 --> 00:03:25,806
and don't forget the mistake
at the factory

88
00:03:25,906 --> 00:03:29,076
that graced us with Budweiser:
Oops, All Hops!

89
00:03:29,176 --> 00:03:31,144
You realize you set
my project on fire

90
00:03:31,245 --> 00:03:34,448
and then gave me a speech that
was ultimately about beer, yes?

91
00:03:34,548 --> 00:03:35,916
'Merica.

92
00:03:36,016 --> 00:03:38,419
**

93
00:03:38,519 --> 00:03:41,088
Thanks for agreeing to meet
out here on my new balcony.

94
00:03:41,188 --> 00:03:43,056
I thought it would be nice
to enjoy the fresh air,

95
00:03:43,156 --> 00:03:44,825
be surrounded by my plants.

96
00:03:44,925 --> 00:03:47,961
Did you know "balcony" might be
Latin for "air terrace"?

97
00:03:48,061 --> 00:03:50,130
I actually have a problem
I need to talk out, and --

98
00:03:50,230 --> 00:03:51,632
Let's put a pin in that.

99
00:03:51,732 --> 00:03:53,567
I gotta turn the sausages
on the grill behind you,

100
00:03:53,667 --> 00:03:55,669
but I feel like I won't be
able to fit past the table.

101
00:03:55,769 --> 00:03:57,237
Come on, Roger.

102
00:03:57,338 --> 00:03:58,939
Actually, I'm gonna
put you in charge

103
00:03:59,039 --> 00:04:01,108
of the sausages
since you're closer.

104
00:04:01,208 --> 00:04:02,910
Sausage Steve.

105
00:04:03,010 --> 00:04:04,244
That's how I'll remember it.

106
00:04:04,345 --> 00:04:05,913
-Mnemonic device.
-Roger!

107
00:04:06,013 --> 00:04:07,615
I want to find
my cultural roots,

108
00:04:07,715 --> 00:04:09,450
and Dad's refusing to help!

109
00:04:09,550 --> 00:04:11,685
(sausages sizzling)

110
00:04:11,785 --> 00:04:14,588
Fine, I'll turn
the damn sausages.

111
00:04:14,688 --> 00:04:17,458
That's only one sausage,
Sausage Steve.

112
00:04:17,558 --> 00:04:19,960
Honestly, I'm starting to wonder
how you even got that name.

113
00:04:20,060 --> 00:04:21,795
I looked into taking
a DNA test,

114
00:04:21,895 --> 00:04:23,331
but I'm not old enough.

115
00:04:25,299 --> 00:04:28,268
Who says you have to use
your DNA?

116
00:04:28,369 --> 00:04:31,872
**

117
00:04:31,972 --> 00:04:35,509
(snoring)

118
00:04:35,609 --> 00:04:37,545
The door's not locked.
We can walk right in.

119
00:04:37,645 --> 00:04:38,846
Oh, come on.
I thought we agreed

120
00:04:38,946 --> 00:04:41,148
we were doing
a whole stylized heist thing.

121
00:04:41,248 --> 00:04:43,884
Let's just get my dad's DNA
before we wake him up.

122
00:04:43,984 --> 00:04:45,218
(snoring)

123
00:04:45,319 --> 00:04:46,487
Are you crazy?!

124
00:04:46,587 --> 00:04:48,689
The best DNA
is in the fluids --

125
00:04:48,789 --> 00:04:50,824
saliva, blood, semen.

126
00:04:50,924 --> 00:04:52,660
And I know a way to get
all three at once.

127
00:04:52,760 --> 00:04:54,027
It's called --

128
00:04:54,127 --> 00:04:55,563
We're not doing
whatever it's called.

129
00:04:55,663 --> 00:04:57,130
Okay, then.
Plan "B."

130
00:04:57,230 --> 00:04:59,900
I whisper some really dirty
stuff in Stan's ear.

131
00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:01,335
Like, filthy.

132
00:05:01,435 --> 00:05:03,036
You're down there
with a ziplock baggie,

133
00:05:03,136 --> 00:05:04,472
waiting for nature
to take its course.

134
00:05:04,572 --> 00:05:05,473
Look!

135
00:05:05,573 --> 00:05:07,408
(snoring)

136
00:05:09,510 --> 00:05:12,212
Well, I can still do
my part of Plan "B."

137
00:05:12,312 --> 00:05:15,215
It was a dark
and horny night.

138
00:05:15,315 --> 00:05:16,984
The hospital furnace
was broken,

139
00:05:17,084 --> 00:05:19,820
and the nurses were huddling
together to keep warm.

140
00:05:19,920 --> 00:05:23,023
Did I mention this was
the sex pervert hospital,

141
00:05:23,123 --> 00:05:24,525
Geyser Permanente?

142
00:05:24,625 --> 00:05:26,427
Ohh, God!

143
00:05:28,996 --> 00:05:32,766
**

144
00:05:32,866 --> 00:05:35,436
Mom, thank you so much
for traveling the country

145
00:05:35,536 --> 00:05:38,238
with me to all these Sub Hubs
to narc out bad employees.

146
00:05:38,338 --> 00:05:43,043
And thank you for the free trip
to the Wichita, Kansas!

147
00:05:43,143 --> 00:05:47,681
I haven't seen many witches yet,
but I'll be ready when I do!

148
00:05:47,781 --> 00:05:50,083
Being a secret shopper
is a lot of pressure.

149
00:05:50,183 --> 00:05:52,085
If I don't bust someone,
corporate will assume

150
00:05:52,185 --> 00:05:54,622
that I'm on the take,
and I'll get fired!

151
00:05:54,722 --> 00:05:57,090
Welcome to Sub Hub,
home of the Sub Hub Hub Sub.

152
00:05:57,190 --> 00:05:59,693
Are you a member of the Sub Hub
Hub Sub Grub Club, bub?

153
00:05:59,793 --> 00:06:01,595
Shit, I've never heard
anyone say that right.

154
00:06:01,695 --> 00:06:03,397
(lowered voice)
Stick to your guns.

155
00:06:03,497 --> 00:06:06,033
Ahem. I hope my order's
not too...

156
00:06:06,133 --> 00:06:08,035
complicated, but...

157
00:06:08,135 --> 00:06:09,937
one six-inch on wheat,
two slices of dry turkey,

158
00:06:10,037 --> 00:06:11,639
one slice of wet ham,
half a slice of roast beef,

159
00:06:11,739 --> 00:06:13,741
shredded, four pickles,
two olives,

160
00:06:13,841 --> 00:06:15,242
and exactly the amount
of spicy mustard

161
00:06:15,342 --> 00:06:17,377
you can make from
14 mustard seeds.

162
00:06:19,547 --> 00:06:21,081
Here you go.
Anything else?

163
00:06:21,181 --> 00:06:23,083
Maybe a little help
with closing your mouth?

164
00:06:24,818 --> 00:06:25,986
She touched you!

165
00:06:26,086 --> 00:06:27,921
That has to be
against the rules.

166
00:06:28,021 --> 00:06:30,991
Actually, at Sub Hub, touching
the customer is encouraged.

167
00:06:31,091 --> 00:06:33,126
Everybody living their
best life?

168
00:06:33,226 --> 00:06:34,895
Mwah!
Mwah!

169
00:06:34,995 --> 00:06:36,764
(mop sloshes)

170
00:06:36,864 --> 00:06:39,266
**

171
00:06:39,366 --> 00:06:41,602
Huh.
An e-mail from Farmville

172
00:06:41,702 --> 00:06:44,171
saying I'm the last one playing.

173
00:06:44,271 --> 00:06:46,339
-I guess I win!
-(cellphone chimes)

174
00:06:46,440 --> 00:06:50,844
"Stan Smith, your DNA test
results have been finalized"?

175
00:06:50,944 --> 00:06:53,914
"Click here to learn where
your ancestors came from."

176
00:06:54,014 --> 00:06:56,083
Steve!
Downstairs, now!

177
00:06:57,785 --> 00:06:59,352
-Yes, Papa?
-Does this have something to do

178
00:06:59,453 --> 00:07:01,021
with that powerful
wet dream

179
00:07:01,121 --> 00:07:02,823
I had about that hospital
the other night?

180
00:07:02,856 --> 00:07:03,924
Uh...

181
00:07:04,024 --> 00:07:06,827
Stealing my DNA?
That's fraud!

182
00:07:06,927 --> 00:07:08,428
You signed up for this test.

183
00:07:08,529 --> 00:07:09,863
You delete the e-mail.

184
00:07:09,963 --> 00:07:11,364
All right.

185
00:07:11,465 --> 00:07:14,134
But this link could be
our link

186
00:07:14,234 --> 00:07:16,937
to a whole world
of possibilities.

187
00:07:17,037 --> 00:07:20,107
**

188
00:07:20,207 --> 00:07:22,009
-(bicycle bell dings)
-* We could be Frenchmen *

189
00:07:22,109 --> 00:07:23,877
* With bikes and baguettes *

190
00:07:23,977 --> 00:07:27,347
* We could be Italian
with long cigarettes *

191
00:07:27,447 --> 00:07:30,818
* We could be Vikings
who plunder the sea *

192
00:07:30,918 --> 00:07:33,787
* These are a few
of the things we could be *

193
00:07:33,887 --> 00:07:35,055
Are we allowed to do this?

194
00:07:35,155 --> 00:07:37,725
These are kind of
broad stereotypes.

195
00:07:37,825 --> 00:07:41,194
* We could be Greek guys
in sandals and togas *

196
00:07:41,294 --> 00:07:44,498
* We could be Indian
practicing yoga *

197
00:07:44,598 --> 00:07:48,068
* We could be half Aussie
and half Japanese *

198
00:07:48,168 --> 00:07:51,872
-* These are a few
of the things we could be *
-(boomerang whooshes)

199
00:07:51,972 --> 00:07:54,842
Okay, the boomerang chopsticks
thing was kinda cool.

200
00:07:54,942 --> 00:07:56,644
* We could be Scots *

201
00:07:56,744 --> 00:07:58,345
* We could be Poles *

202
00:07:58,445 --> 00:08:00,714
* We could be Dutch lads *

203
00:08:00,814 --> 00:08:04,518
* If you simply consider
the things we could be *

204
00:08:04,618 --> 00:08:07,054
* All of them seem *

205
00:08:07,154 --> 00:08:10,023
* So rad *

206
00:08:10,123 --> 00:08:11,424
(final flourish plays)

207
00:08:12,993 --> 00:08:15,028
Do you still want me
to delete it?

208
00:08:15,128 --> 00:08:16,396
Of course!
What was that?

209
00:08:16,496 --> 00:08:18,065
You got footprints
all over the couch!

210
00:08:18,165 --> 00:08:20,433
I can't, Dad!
I gotta know!

211
00:08:20,534 --> 00:08:21,869
(gasps)

212
00:08:24,872 --> 00:08:26,439
I am...

213
00:08:26,540 --> 00:08:28,942
100% Canadian?!

214
00:08:29,042 --> 00:08:31,011
Isn't that cool, Dad?!

215
00:08:31,111 --> 00:08:32,680
No!
It's terrible!

216
00:08:32,780 --> 00:08:35,348
Canada's the cheap knock-off
of America.

217
00:08:35,448 --> 00:08:38,185
America is Oreos,
and Canada is Hydrox!

218
00:08:38,285 --> 00:08:42,189
Steve, when you realize how bad
this news is, come comfort me.

219
00:08:42,289 --> 00:08:45,258
I'll be crying feeble
Canadian tears in my study.

220
00:08:45,358 --> 00:08:47,394
(sobs)

221
00:08:47,494 --> 00:08:48,629
I like Canada.

222
00:08:48,729 --> 00:08:50,297
STAN: No, you don't!

223
00:08:52,766 --> 00:08:55,603
**

224
00:08:55,703 --> 00:08:57,404
A real live human being!

225
00:08:57,504 --> 00:08:59,707
I haven't spoken out loud
in days!

226
00:08:59,807 --> 00:09:01,274
Hello, Tuttle.

227
00:09:01,374 --> 00:09:03,744
I'm going door to door
admitting my secret shame --

228
00:09:03,844 --> 00:09:05,879
I'm...Canadian.

229
00:09:05,979 --> 00:09:07,915
Neat!
I'm Tuttle!

230
00:09:08,015 --> 00:09:09,917
That's my secret shame.

231
00:09:10,017 --> 00:09:12,620
-Oh, you got a new flag!
-What the hell?

232
00:09:17,157 --> 00:09:19,893
Hey, Dad! Wanna hear
a Canuck-nuck joke?

233
00:09:19,993 --> 00:09:22,062
That's a Canadian
knock-knock joke.

234
00:09:22,162 --> 00:09:23,731
Canuck-nuck!

235
00:09:23,831 --> 00:09:24,965
(deeper voice)
Who's there?

236
00:09:25,065 --> 00:09:26,433
(normal voice)
This just in.

237
00:09:26,533 --> 00:09:28,268
(deeper voice)
"This just in" who?

238
00:09:28,368 --> 00:09:30,237
(normal voice)
This Justin Trudeau guy

239
00:09:30,337 --> 00:09:32,572
won't stop doing
blackface, eh?

240
00:09:32,673 --> 00:09:34,007
What's with all this
Canada crap?

241
00:09:34,107 --> 00:09:35,275
I've been studying
the traditions

242
00:09:35,375 --> 00:09:37,177
of our Canadian ancestors.

243
00:09:37,277 --> 00:09:40,848
Instead of Dunkin' Donuts,
they have Tim Horton's Donuts.

244
00:09:40,948 --> 00:09:43,851
Instead of milk cartons,
they have milk bags.

245
00:09:43,951 --> 00:09:46,353
And instead of Game of Thrones,
they have Drake,

246
00:09:46,453 --> 00:09:49,322
who sits upon the throne
as king of the rap game.

247
00:09:49,422 --> 00:09:50,523
(tires screech)

248
00:09:50,624 --> 00:09:52,793
Right on time!

249
00:09:52,893 --> 00:09:54,795
Thanks a lot, Steve!

250
00:09:54,895 --> 00:09:58,365
Look, I made Klaus a moose,
the noble Canadian beast.

251
00:09:58,465 --> 00:10:00,267
Ugh!
Look at these antlers!

252
00:10:00,367 --> 00:10:02,636
I'll never wear
a turtleneck again!

253
00:10:02,736 --> 00:10:04,872
(loud crash)

254
00:10:04,972 --> 00:10:06,974
I've been Canadian for
like one day,

255
00:10:07,074 --> 00:10:08,642
and my life is in shambles.

256
00:10:08,742 --> 00:10:11,111
(sighs)
Okay, I give up.

257
00:10:11,211 --> 00:10:13,313
Let's go do American stuff.

258
00:10:13,413 --> 00:10:15,683
How about I make us some
pancakes with maple syrup?

259
00:10:15,783 --> 00:10:17,517
We eat it while watching
Mike Myers movies,

260
00:10:17,617 --> 00:10:19,820
then discuss our favorite
Michael Bublé songs.

261
00:10:19,920 --> 00:10:22,222
Okay, these sound like things
I can get on board with.

262
00:10:22,322 --> 00:10:23,490
Aha!

263
00:10:23,590 --> 00:10:24,892
All those things
are Canadian!

264
00:10:24,992 --> 00:10:26,526
What a dirty trick!

265
00:10:26,626 --> 00:10:29,462
How dare you use pancakes
against me!

266
00:10:29,562 --> 00:10:31,298
-(horse whinnies)
-Excuse me.

267
00:10:31,398 --> 00:10:33,000
I'm looking for Stan Smith.

268
00:10:33,100 --> 00:10:35,402
A DNA test company sent me
to take him on a tour

269
00:10:35,502 --> 00:10:38,405
of his ancestral village,
Smithville, Canada.

270
00:10:38,505 --> 00:10:39,907
Dad!
Get out here!

271
00:10:40,007 --> 00:10:42,810
STAN: Screw you, Steve!
You ruined my life!

272
00:10:42,910 --> 00:10:44,812
-I'm Stan Smith.
-Great, sir!

273
00:10:44,912 --> 00:10:46,213
Hop on up!

274
00:10:46,313 --> 00:10:47,981
This is exciting!

275
00:10:48,081 --> 00:10:51,418
But I hope not too exciting,
or it wouldn't be Canadian.

276
00:10:51,518 --> 00:10:53,987
**

277
00:10:54,087 --> 00:10:57,357
Wow!
Here we are in Sin City!

278
00:10:57,457 --> 00:11:00,093
-It's pronounced "Cincinnati."
-Huh.

279
00:11:00,193 --> 00:11:01,895
Well, either way, this place

280
00:11:01,995 --> 00:11:04,698
has a whole lot
more witches than Wichita.

281
00:11:06,934 --> 00:11:09,502
Mom, focus.
I got a new plan.

282
00:11:09,602 --> 00:11:11,571
Sub Hub wants their cashiers
to push people

283
00:11:11,671 --> 00:11:13,373
to order more stuff
than they want.

284
00:11:13,473 --> 00:11:15,175
It's called "upselling."

285
00:11:15,275 --> 00:11:17,610
But if I can get out of here
with just a bag of chips

286
00:11:17,711 --> 00:11:20,848
and a cup of water,
we'll have someone to write up.

287
00:11:20,948 --> 00:11:22,549
Damn it, they're good!

288
00:11:30,023 --> 00:11:31,691
Meat thief.
Meat thief.

289
00:11:31,792 --> 00:11:33,426
This is my big chance
to make a bust.

290
00:11:34,895 --> 00:11:37,530
-We gotta tail him!
-To the meat mobile!

291
00:11:37,630 --> 00:11:40,533
**

292
00:11:40,633 --> 00:11:42,970
Goddamn witches, man.

293
00:11:43,070 --> 00:11:45,105
Thanks for agreeing to have
this conversation

294
00:11:45,205 --> 00:11:46,539
on my new balcony, Stan.

295
00:11:46,639 --> 00:11:47,808
Fine, whatever.

296
00:11:47,908 --> 00:11:49,309
Unfortunately,
the new bird feeder

297
00:11:49,409 --> 00:11:51,244
I put up seems to be
attracting crows,

298
00:11:51,344 --> 00:11:52,780
but that's balcony life.

299
00:11:52,880 --> 00:11:54,047
(crow caws)

300
00:11:54,147 --> 00:11:55,415
(crow shrieks,
neck snaps)

301
00:11:57,250 --> 00:12:00,220
Did you know "crow" might be
Latin for "air steak"?

302
00:12:00,320 --> 00:12:03,090
Roger! You said you had
important news about Steve!

303
00:12:03,190 --> 00:12:04,324
Oh, yeah, Steve.

304
00:12:04,424 --> 00:12:05,959
I-I saw him ride off
on horseback

305
00:12:06,059 --> 00:12:07,227
with a Canadian Mountie.

306
00:12:07,327 --> 00:12:09,296
Those Canadian bastards!

307
00:12:09,396 --> 00:12:11,098
How am I going to
get him back?

308
00:12:13,733 --> 00:12:16,336
I really started to drag
right around Vermont.

309
00:12:16,436 --> 00:12:18,105
But now that we crossed
the border and I had that

310
00:12:18,205 --> 00:12:21,441
Kind bar,
I feel totally re-energized.

311
00:12:21,541 --> 00:12:23,944
**

312
00:12:24,044 --> 00:12:25,645
All done, my boy.

313
00:12:25,745 --> 00:12:27,480
What do you think aboot
your new jean jacket, eh?

314
00:12:27,580 --> 00:12:29,649
Well, I'm an acid-wash man,
but it'll do.

315
00:12:29,749 --> 00:12:32,119
Silence!
A moose approaches.

316
00:12:33,353 --> 00:12:34,654
Dad!
You came!

317
00:12:34,754 --> 00:12:37,757
Welcome to Smithville,
Canada!

318
00:12:37,858 --> 00:12:39,526
I refuse to be welcomed.

319
00:12:39,626 --> 00:12:40,928
Too late!

320
00:12:41,028 --> 00:12:43,463
'Cause here come your
long-lost relatives.

321
00:12:43,563 --> 00:12:45,598
I'm your cousin Jeffrey, eh!

322
00:12:45,698 --> 00:12:47,767
Uh, don't worry,
that bulge in my jeans

323
00:12:47,868 --> 00:12:49,102
is just a can of Molson.

324
00:12:49,202 --> 00:12:51,271
And I'm your Uncle Carl,
ya hoser!

325
00:12:51,371 --> 00:12:53,540
And this ain't no Molson
in my pocket.

326
00:12:53,640 --> 00:12:56,043
It's a grade-A
Canadian rager!

327
00:12:56,143 --> 00:12:58,211
Aw, look at you!

328
00:12:58,311 --> 00:13:01,648
You're as cute as a beaver
on a hockey puck!

329
00:13:01,748 --> 00:13:03,817
That must be
one tiny beaver.

330
00:13:03,917 --> 00:13:05,385
Hi, I'm Stan.

331
00:13:05,485 --> 00:13:08,021
**

332
00:13:08,121 --> 00:13:10,623
I bet he's stealing
one piece of ham a day

333
00:13:10,723 --> 00:13:11,859
and selling it on eBay.

334
00:13:11,959 --> 00:13:14,027
I bet he's collecting
ham slices

335
00:13:14,127 --> 00:13:17,664
so he can squish them all
together and make a whole pig!

336
00:13:17,764 --> 00:13:23,736
**

337
00:13:23,837 --> 00:13:25,072
An animal shelter?

338
00:13:25,172 --> 00:13:26,840
Told ya he was making a pig.

339
00:13:26,940 --> 00:13:29,342
(dogs barking)

340
00:13:29,442 --> 00:13:30,743
(suspenseful music plays)

341
00:13:30,844 --> 00:13:32,212
(dogs whimpering)

342
00:13:32,312 --> 00:13:33,546
Ugh!

343
00:13:33,646 --> 00:13:35,048
He's just giving food
to needy animals.

344
00:13:35,148 --> 00:13:36,516
I can't bust him for that.

345
00:13:37,851 --> 00:13:40,353
(meat squishes)

346
00:13:41,721 --> 00:13:46,659
(cackles, laughing)

347
00:13:46,759 --> 00:13:48,996
Or, maybe he's a gross pervert.

348
00:13:49,096 --> 00:13:51,031
-(whimpers)
-Freeze, scumbag!

349
00:13:51,131 --> 00:13:53,033
Sub Hub Internal Affairs!

350
00:13:53,133 --> 00:13:55,502
-(spray hisses)
-Aaaaah!

351
00:13:57,670 --> 00:13:59,439
What's that, scumbag?

352
00:13:59,539 --> 00:14:02,242
Did you just say, "Bubble,
bubble, toil and trouble"?

353
00:14:02,342 --> 00:14:04,711
Mom, no!
He's no good to us dead!

354
00:14:04,811 --> 00:14:07,214
**

355
00:14:07,314 --> 00:14:10,350
* O, Stan and Steve *

356
00:14:10,450 --> 00:14:14,054
* This is your native land *

357
00:14:14,154 --> 00:14:17,224
* We welcome you *

358
00:14:17,324 --> 00:14:20,793
* Enjoy the feast at hand *

359
00:14:20,928 --> 00:14:22,695
-(cheering)
-(hockey sticks tapping)

360
00:14:23,964 --> 00:14:25,732
I get it now.

361
00:14:25,832 --> 00:14:28,135
Canada's not a knock-off
of America.

362
00:14:28,235 --> 00:14:29,702
It's our minor leagues!

363
00:14:29,802 --> 00:14:31,438
They test out
a bunch of stuff,

364
00:14:31,538 --> 00:14:33,206
and whenever something's
good enough,

365
00:14:33,306 --> 00:14:36,643
we call it up to the big leagues
of the USA, like Jim Carrey!

366
00:14:36,743 --> 00:14:38,711
-And hockey!
-And lentils!

367
00:14:38,811 --> 00:14:40,047
For real, look it up.

368
00:14:40,147 --> 00:14:41,581
I'm glad you're
coming around, Dad,

369
00:14:41,681 --> 00:14:44,551
but something feels a little
off about this place.

370
00:14:44,651 --> 00:14:48,155
Hey, there.
Can I top you off, yeah?

371
00:14:48,255 --> 00:14:51,224
Wait, milk from a carton?
Not a bag?

372
00:14:51,324 --> 00:14:53,760
A-And this bacon is crispy
American strips,

373
00:14:53,860 --> 00:14:55,662
not floppy
Canadian circles.

374
00:14:55,762 --> 00:14:56,997
I'm sure it's nothing.

375
00:14:57,097 --> 00:14:58,731
But what self-respecting
Canadian would serve

376
00:14:58,831 --> 00:15:01,468
Krispy Kreme doughnuts
instead of Tim Horton's!

377
00:15:01,568 --> 00:15:03,836
First you bug me
about embracing our heritage,

378
00:15:03,937 --> 00:15:06,639
and now that I do, you're trying
to take it away from me?

379
00:15:06,739 --> 00:15:10,577
We Canadians have a word
for that, Steve -- beaver-shit.

380
00:15:10,677 --> 00:15:12,512
(goose call honks)

381
00:15:12,612 --> 00:15:14,114
Listen up, eh!

382
00:15:14,214 --> 00:15:17,150
Let's welcome our two
newest Smiths

383
00:15:17,250 --> 00:15:21,188
with a ceremonial toast
of maple syrup!

384
00:15:21,288 --> 00:15:23,756
(squeaks, drips)

385
00:15:25,993 --> 00:15:27,927
To Frank Zamboni

386
00:15:28,028 --> 00:15:32,165
and his miraculous
ice-smoothing machine!

387
00:15:32,265 --> 00:15:33,700
(gulps)

388
00:15:35,935 --> 00:15:38,005
**

389
00:15:38,105 --> 00:15:39,439
What happened?

390
00:15:39,539 --> 00:15:41,274
Where is everyone?

391
00:15:41,374 --> 00:15:43,977
Oh, we -- we must have been
drugged.

392
00:15:45,878 --> 00:15:47,147
Aaah!

393
00:15:47,247 --> 00:15:49,449
There's a big cut
in my tummy!

394
00:15:49,549 --> 00:15:51,985
Me, too!
Incisions everywhere!

395
00:15:52,085 --> 00:15:53,486
-(thud)
-(groans)

396
00:15:53,586 --> 00:15:55,155
(gasps)

397
00:15:55,255 --> 00:15:57,324
They stole your organs.

398
00:15:57,424 --> 00:15:58,558
Our relatives?

399
00:15:58,658 --> 00:16:00,627
It's all a scam.

400
00:16:00,727 --> 00:16:03,997
The DNA tests you took were
to find matching donors

401
00:16:04,097 --> 00:16:06,499
for their billionaire
clientele.

402
00:16:06,599 --> 00:16:09,169
Wait.
You mean we're not Canadian?

403
00:16:09,269 --> 00:16:11,171
-We're billionaires?
-No!

404
00:16:11,271 --> 00:16:15,142
Your organs are being sold
to billionaires,

405
00:16:15,242 --> 00:16:17,010
just like mine.

406
00:16:17,110 --> 00:16:19,212
-Oh, my God!
-(gasps)

407
00:16:19,312 --> 00:16:20,980
They can take my liver,

408
00:16:21,081 --> 00:16:23,983
spleen, colon,

409
00:16:24,084 --> 00:16:27,187
but they can't
take my dignity!

410
00:16:27,287 --> 00:16:28,188
(head thuds)

411
00:16:28,288 --> 00:16:31,258
(farting)

412
00:16:32,559 --> 00:16:34,894
But we're gonna be okay,
right, Dad?

413
00:16:34,994 --> 00:16:36,529
Of course we are.

414
00:16:36,629 --> 00:16:40,033
Right after I rest
all my muscles at the same time.

415
00:16:40,133 --> 00:16:41,334
(bodies thud)

416
00:16:43,670 --> 00:16:45,938
**

417
00:16:46,039 --> 00:16:49,409
Dad, we can't survive long
missing organs.

418
00:16:49,509 --> 00:16:51,078
We have to get
to a hospital.

419
00:16:51,178 --> 00:16:53,880
Well, hold on, Steve.
There's a silver lining to this.

420
00:16:53,980 --> 00:16:57,284
We both just lost 10 pounds
right before beach season.

421
00:16:57,384 --> 00:16:58,785
(squishing)

422
00:16:58,885 --> 00:17:00,453
Ooh, 11 pounds!

423
00:17:00,553 --> 00:17:02,255
Come on, Dad.
We need to find help.

424
00:17:02,355 --> 00:17:04,023
Let me collect myself.

425
00:17:04,124 --> 00:17:06,459
(inhales sharply, squishing)

426
00:17:06,559 --> 00:17:07,760
(squish, splat)

427
00:17:07,894 --> 00:17:09,296
Huh, guess that's
not gonna stay.

428
00:17:09,396 --> 00:17:11,030
Let's go get that help
you were talking about.

429
00:17:11,131 --> 00:17:13,700
I know just the place.

430
00:17:13,800 --> 00:17:15,702
**

431
00:17:15,802 --> 00:17:17,370
(door bell dings)

432
00:17:17,470 --> 00:17:19,139
-Call a hospital.
-Yeah.

433
00:17:19,239 --> 00:17:20,940
Ever since our organs
were harvested,

434
00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:23,576
I've been feeling
a little sluggish.

435
00:17:23,676 --> 00:17:24,977
One of everything, please.

436
00:17:25,078 --> 00:17:27,647
(exhales weakly)
I can barely breathe.

437
00:17:27,747 --> 00:17:30,483
(exhales)
But maybe this bear claw

438
00:17:30,583 --> 00:17:32,919
could replace
my missing lung.

439
00:17:33,019 --> 00:17:34,987
-(groans)
-(slithers, pops)

440
00:17:35,088 --> 00:17:36,656
(inhales sharply)

441
00:17:36,756 --> 00:17:38,391
Oh, my God!
It's working!

442
00:17:38,491 --> 00:17:39,726
Let me try.

443
00:17:39,826 --> 00:17:41,394
I've lost a ton of blood,
but maybe

444
00:17:41,494 --> 00:17:43,330
if I have a squirt
of doughnut jelly...

445
00:17:43,430 --> 00:17:44,631
(squirts)

446
00:17:44,731 --> 00:17:47,567
Oh, yeah!
Doughnut power, baby!

447
00:17:47,667 --> 00:17:51,404
You know, "honey bun"
kinda rhymes with "intest-tun."

448
00:17:51,504 --> 00:17:55,608
And "maple bar" has the same
number of letters as "butthole"!

449
00:17:55,708 --> 00:17:57,110
(popping)

450
00:17:57,210 --> 00:17:59,412
AUCTIONEER: That's one
42-year-old spleen!

451
00:17:59,512 --> 00:18:00,480
Going once!

452
00:18:00,580 --> 00:18:02,315
Bet you my new maple bar colon

453
00:18:02,415 --> 00:18:04,584
those are our organs
being auctioned in there.

454
00:18:04,684 --> 00:18:06,286
AUCTIONEER:
Going twice!

455
00:18:06,386 --> 00:18:07,454
Sold!

456
00:18:07,554 --> 00:18:11,424
Looks like someone's
some spleenin' to do!

457
00:18:11,524 --> 00:18:13,660
-(TV theme music plays)
-Aaah!

458
00:18:13,760 --> 00:18:14,627
Ahh!

459
00:18:14,727 --> 00:18:15,928
(grunts)

460
00:18:16,028 --> 00:18:17,630
**

461
00:18:17,730 --> 00:18:19,166
STAN: Aykroyd.

462
00:18:19,266 --> 00:18:20,800
Labatt.

463
00:18:20,900 --> 00:18:22,034
Canadian.

464
00:18:22,135 --> 00:18:23,303
Specifics.

465
00:18:23,403 --> 00:18:25,372
Dad, what are you doing?

466
00:18:26,673 --> 00:18:28,508
No, no, no, no!

467
00:18:28,608 --> 00:18:30,477
We never even left the cabin!

468
00:18:30,577 --> 00:18:32,712
Oh, it was all
a hallucination!

469
00:18:32,812 --> 00:18:35,014
(sobs)

470
00:18:35,114 --> 00:18:36,883
This is all my fault.

471
00:18:36,983 --> 00:18:39,018
I shouldn't have
stolen your DNA.

472
00:18:39,118 --> 00:18:42,121
Yes, I'm pretty sure
that's the lesson here.

473
00:18:42,222 --> 00:18:44,023
I don't think I've done
anything wrong.

474
00:18:44,123 --> 00:18:47,394
In fact, I'm heading back to my
Tim Horton's hallucination

475
00:18:47,494 --> 00:18:48,995
for a final doughnut.

476
00:18:49,095 --> 00:18:50,230
That's it!

477
00:18:50,330 --> 00:18:52,365
We'll get help
at a Tim Horton's.

478
00:18:52,465 --> 00:18:55,001
The Canadian Constitution
requires there be one

479
00:18:55,101 --> 00:18:57,136
every 300 meters!

480
00:18:57,237 --> 00:18:58,705
(indistinct conversations)

481
00:18:58,805 --> 00:19:00,840
Is anyone here a doctor?

482
00:19:00,940 --> 00:19:03,009
Our organs have been stolen.

483
00:19:03,109 --> 00:19:05,812
-(door bell dings)
-I'm a doctor.

484
00:19:05,912 --> 00:19:08,981
I'm sorry. You're missing
a lung, a liver, and a colon.

485
00:19:09,081 --> 00:19:10,317
I got an extra lung!

486
00:19:10,417 --> 00:19:11,551
You can have my liver, eh!

487
00:19:11,651 --> 00:19:13,753
Take my colon.
I mostly pee.

488
00:19:13,853 --> 00:19:15,655
Me first!
Me first!

489
00:19:18,491 --> 00:19:19,759
-(scalpel slicing)
-(men screaming, grunting)

490
00:19:19,859 --> 00:19:21,761
They're just giving us
their organs?

491
00:19:21,861 --> 00:19:23,363
Yeah, Dad.

492
00:19:23,463 --> 00:19:25,398
The number-one cause of death
in Canada is friendliness!

493
00:19:25,498 --> 00:19:26,366
(men grunting)

494
00:19:26,466 --> 00:19:28,268
(foghorn blows)

495
00:19:28,368 --> 00:19:30,670
Huh. This is where
the Sub Hub corporate office

496
00:19:30,770 --> 00:19:32,004
told me to wait.

497
00:19:33,673 --> 00:19:35,875
Hello!
I'm Sebastian Hub,

498
00:19:35,975 --> 00:19:38,578
Sub Hub's founder, CEO,
and namesake.

499
00:19:38,678 --> 00:19:40,012
Is that the troublemaker?

500
00:19:40,112 --> 00:19:42,181
-Sir, yes, sir!
-At ease, Ms. Smith.

501
00:19:42,282 --> 00:19:44,951
Thank you for bringing
this degenerate to me.

502
00:19:45,051 --> 00:19:46,586
You're fired!

503
00:19:46,686 --> 00:19:49,789
And you're hired to party
with me full-time

504
00:19:49,889 --> 00:19:51,291
on the Sub Hub Party Sub!

505
00:19:51,391 --> 00:19:53,125
(water splashes)

506
00:19:53,226 --> 00:19:56,229
-(dance music playing)
-(indistinct conversations)

507
00:19:56,329 --> 00:19:58,398
Wait, what the (bleep)
is going on?

508
00:19:58,498 --> 00:20:00,032
Look, it's pretty obvious.

509
00:20:00,132 --> 00:20:01,534
I have a party sub.

510
00:20:01,634 --> 00:20:04,237
I need a bunch of badasses
to party with me.

511
00:20:04,337 --> 00:20:05,905
Rule breakers
are the best partiers,

512
00:20:06,005 --> 00:20:07,907
and you just helped me
find one.

513
00:20:08,007 --> 00:20:11,911
(dance music continues)

514
00:20:12,011 --> 00:20:14,281
But this freak's
into bestiality!

515
00:20:14,381 --> 00:20:17,216
Sounds like
a "party animal" to me!

516
00:20:17,317 --> 00:20:19,586
(klaxon wails)

517
00:20:21,087 --> 00:20:23,723
On the bright side,
he forgot his submarine.

518
00:20:23,823 --> 00:20:25,091
Yeah, his shitty little one.

519
00:20:25,191 --> 00:20:26,726
It doesn't even have
lettuce on it.

520
00:20:26,826 --> 00:20:30,963
That kind of attitude is why
we're not on the party sub.

521
00:20:31,063 --> 00:20:33,466
**

522
00:20:33,566 --> 00:20:35,302
Well, here they are.

523
00:20:35,402 --> 00:20:38,638
My real DNA test results.

524
00:20:38,738 --> 00:20:40,072
This can't be right.

525
00:20:40,172 --> 00:20:41,674
Why?
W-What are we?

526
00:20:41,774 --> 00:20:42,942
W-What's it say?

527
00:20:43,042 --> 00:20:44,277
My credit card was declined.

528
00:20:44,377 --> 00:20:45,345
(door smashes)

529
00:20:45,445 --> 00:20:46,679
Quick!
You gotta hide me!

530
00:20:46,779 --> 00:20:47,947
It's moose season!

531
00:20:48,047 --> 00:20:49,749
Who's hunting you
around here?

532
00:20:49,849 --> 00:20:52,619
(suspenseful
cartoon music plays)

533
00:20:52,719 --> 00:20:56,122
Shh!
Be ve-wy, ve-wy quiet.

534
00:20:56,222 --> 00:20:57,757
I'm hunting mooses.

535
00:20:57,857 --> 00:20:59,191
Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh!

536
00:20:59,292 --> 00:21:00,927
(cartoon exit music plays)

537
00:21:02,194 --> 00:21:04,130
Bye!
Have a beautiful time!

538
00:21:06,198 --> 00:21:08,100
-- Captions by VITAC --