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Broadcast TV Family Night
may now commence.

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00:00:07,181 --> 00:00:09,139
All the content
you can stream online,

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00:00:09,183 --> 00:00:11,054
plus you get
the commercials for free.

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I heard there's a new ad for Lincoln

5
00:00:12,925 --> 00:00:15,754
where Matthew McConaughey just
turns into a gentle breeze

6
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and moves through
a wheat field.

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I present, for your
Epicurean pleasure,

8
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The Popcorn Bar,

9
00:00:22,718 --> 00:00:25,112
complete with artisanal butters
and toppings.

10
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The popcorn's in glasses?

11
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We're not dukes!

12
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Can't we just have it
the normal way,

13
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folded up in our shirts?

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You can eat it
any way you --

15
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And where are all
the un-popped kernels?

16
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I'm just supposed to
munch away happily

17
00:00:35,774 --> 00:00:37,298
without the risk
of breaking a tooth?

18
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Risk equals reward,
Steve!

19
00:00:40,779 --> 00:00:42,346
Greg:
We interrupt this silent film

20
00:00:42,390 --> 00:00:44,174
to bring you
a high-speed pursuit.

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A warning for our more
sensitive viewers --

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so far,
this chase has been badass.

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00:00:48,787 --> 00:00:50,374
Memphis Stormfront:
It's not déjà vu, folks.

24
00:00:50,398 --> 00:00:52,922
You're looking at
the white Ford Bronco

25
00:00:52,965 --> 00:00:55,098
previously owned
by O. J. Simpson

26
00:00:55,142 --> 00:00:57,144
and stolen this evening

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from the Metropolitan Museum
of Sports Memorabilia.

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Stan, your dad!

29
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The driver has now been
identified as Jack Smith,

30
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former jewel thief,
bus driver,

31
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and seasonal evil spirit
of Christmas.

32
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Oh, here we go!

33
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[ Gunfire]

34
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Oh, they got him!

35
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They got him! Yes!

36
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Right in the face!

37
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Obviously, a tragic end here.

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At a time like this,
you just hope

39
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The Juice isn't watching.

40
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Oh, my God!

41
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There is so much popcorn
on the floor!

42
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This is why we need a dog,
Francine.

43
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♪ Good morning, U.S.A.

44
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♪ I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪

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♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪

46
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♪ And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race ♪

47
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♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say

48
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♪ Good -- ♪ Good morning, U.S.A.

49
00:02:04,211 --> 00:02:05,255
Aah!

50
00:02:06,691 --> 00:02:10,086
♪ Good morning, U.S.A.

51
00:02:12,480 --> 00:02:14,395
Anyway,
if you drop an octave,

52
00:02:14,438 --> 00:02:15,807
it might help you sound less
like your mother on the phone.

53
00:02:15,831 --> 00:02:18,573
Why do you have to
nitpickevery little thing I do?

54
00:02:18,616 --> 00:02:20,401
I'm helping you
become a man.

55
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This is what my father did for
me and his father did for him.

56
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I'm gonna make a man
out of you.

57
00:02:25,623 --> 00:02:28,409
Or die trying!

58
00:02:28,452 --> 00:02:29,453
Aah!

59
00:02:29,497 --> 00:02:31,542
Oh, what a nightmare.

60
00:02:31,586 --> 00:02:33,370
Need something
to calm my nerves.

61
00:02:33,414 --> 00:02:37,200
Perhaps some step-sibling porn
on the ol' kitchen desktop.

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Oh, you're up, too.

63
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[ Sighs ]It's your grandpa's funeral.

64
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There are so many
little details.

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00:02:43,859 --> 00:02:45,252
Should we wait for
Hayley and Jeff

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00:02:45,295 --> 00:02:46,620
to come back
from their camping trip?

67
00:02:46,644 --> 00:02:48,864
Oh, gosh, Hayley.

68
00:02:48,907 --> 00:02:50,996
How 'bout we take
lots of pictures,

69
00:02:51,040 --> 00:02:53,608
and if she ever finds
out, we show them to her.

70
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Smart.

71
00:02:54,870 --> 00:02:57,046
Okay, imagine you're at the funeral.

72
00:02:57,089 --> 00:02:58,569
You're, what, sad?

73
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But you're also hungry.

74
00:03:00,745 --> 00:03:02,443
I... Bagel bites!

75
00:03:02,486 --> 00:03:03,487
Yes!

76
00:03:03,531 --> 00:03:05,576
This funeral's really
coming together!

77
00:03:05,620 --> 00:03:07,491
Shouldn't Dad be helping
with this?

78
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Oh, no!
I'm having fun.

79
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Plus, your dad's been spinning out

80
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since he saw Grandpa Jack get
shot to pieces on TV.

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[ Rock music playing ]

82
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Dad!
It's 2:00 a.m.!

83
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Jack who?

84
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He didn't say anything
about Jack.

85
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Don't these kids have
school in the morning?

86
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I'm not avoiding anything.

87
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Can -- Can you stop
for a second?!

88
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I-I had a bad dream!

89
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Steve, you're killing
the vibe here.

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This isn't really your scene.
These kids are cool.

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Stan, put down
your big guitar

92
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and talk to your son about your dad.

93
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No!

94
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You knew I was all about
the music when you married me.

95
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Now, if you'll excuse me,
me and my band, Fetus,

96
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have to get back to jacking --
get -- get jack to jamming --

97
00:03:52,232 --> 00:03:54,146
My dad hated me --
back to jamming!

98
00:03:54,190 --> 00:03:55,974
Guys, play "Had a Dad"!

99
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Ahhhhh, wubawuba!

100
00:04:08,160 --> 00:04:10,075
What's going on?

101
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[ Laughs ]It's officially our anniversary.

102
00:04:12,382 --> 00:04:14,123
I got you something.

103
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It's long and hard
and it's in my sleeping bag.

104
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Surprise!

105
00:04:21,391 --> 00:04:22,784
You bought me...

106
00:04:22,827 --> 00:04:23,959
an oar?

107
00:04:24,002 --> 00:04:25,917
Found you.
Do you like it?

108
00:04:25,961 --> 00:04:29,312
Do I like it?

109
00:04:29,356 --> 00:04:30,922
An oar?!

110
00:04:30,966 --> 00:04:31,967
An oar!

111
00:04:32,010 --> 00:04:33,577
Great minds, right?!

112
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We're the great minds!

113
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[ Imitating guitar ]

114
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I can't wait to get this home
and really see what it can do.

115
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The sky's the limit!

116
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We could scoot pizzas into those big ovens!

117
00:04:46,503 --> 00:04:49,027
Or we could stir
a giant tub of yogurt!

118
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Or we could paddle out on the river!

119
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Totally.

120
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But first, oar fight!

121
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Alright!

122
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Now we can
go canoeing.

123
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Bagel bite?

124
00:05:05,783 --> 00:05:07,394
Hell, yeah!

125
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I gotta say I'm loving
this funeral, Frannie.

126
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It's a hit!

127
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It's fun, right?

128
00:05:12,486 --> 00:05:13,487
Dad still isn't here.

129
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Start without him.

130
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That feels weird.

131
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It's my day, and we start
when I stay we start!

132
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Thank you for joining us today.

133
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My Grandpa Jack was...

134
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[ Rock music playing ]

135
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Stan: Ahhhh, wubawuba!

136
00:05:29,111 --> 00:05:31,940
♪♪

137
00:05:31,983 --> 00:05:34,508
Oh, he had
a breakfast gig.

138
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Stop! I said stop, Jeremy!

139
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Are you kidding me?! You rushed the verse!

140
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Sorry. Apology not accepted, Jeremy.

141
00:05:40,992 --> 00:05:42,516
You left us back there!

142
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You le-- You left me!

143
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You just sped away!

144
00:05:46,911 --> 00:05:48,565
I was a little kid,
man!

145
00:05:48,609 --> 00:05:50,088
What?

146
00:05:50,132 --> 00:05:52,177
I was never good enough for you, and, boy,

147
00:05:52,221 --> 00:05:53,614
did you let me know it!

148
00:05:53,657 --> 00:05:55,180
You ruined everything!

149
00:05:55,224 --> 00:05:57,052
Jeremy!

150
00:05:57,095 --> 00:05:59,097
[ Crying ]

151
00:05:59,141 --> 00:06:01,665
[ Van door opens, closes ]

152
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[ Stan continues crying ]

153
00:06:04,581 --> 00:06:07,105
Jeremy!

154
00:06:07,149 --> 00:06:10,326
No, no, no,
no, no, Jeremy!

155
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Wow.
Jeremy really [bleep] up.

156
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[ Stan crying ]

157
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Maybe we can lure him out
of the van with a surprise.

158
00:06:21,729 --> 00:06:23,252
What does Stan like?

159
00:06:23,295 --> 00:06:25,254
Ooh, how about
a trampoline?!

160
00:06:25,297 --> 00:06:28,431
I'm not sure empty trampoline
promises are gonna fix this.

161
00:06:28,475 --> 00:06:30,215
Empty? What the f--

162
00:06:30,259 --> 00:06:32,348
I feel so helpless.

163
00:06:32,392 --> 00:06:36,221
What Stan really needed was
a chance to forgive Jack,

164
00:06:36,265 --> 00:06:37,919
but that's impossible now.

165
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Not necessarily!

166
00:06:40,051 --> 00:06:43,315
Hi, Chantilly Dubois,
world-class medium.

167
00:06:43,359 --> 00:06:44,882
Well, no formal training, of course,

168
00:06:44,926 --> 00:06:46,797
so really more
of a medium medium.

169
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We need to throw Stana séance.

170
00:06:48,538 --> 00:06:51,585
You really think you could get
in touch with Jack?

171
00:06:51,628 --> 00:06:54,065
Bless your heart, no.
I'm more of a charlatan.

172
00:06:54,109 --> 00:06:56,503
But I do a couple fun
things --flickering candles,

173
00:06:56,546 --> 00:06:58,635
little magnets to make stuff wiggle.

174
00:06:58,679 --> 00:07:00,681
Sorry, how is
this helpful?

175
00:07:00,724 --> 00:07:03,814
Stan only has to believe we
can contact spirits.

176
00:07:03,858 --> 00:07:05,468
I tell him
Jack says sorry.

177
00:07:05,512 --> 00:07:08,166
Stan can finally forgive his dad. Boom!

178
00:07:08,210 --> 00:07:10,493
We each have the rest of
the afternoon to do our own thing.

179
00:07:10,517 --> 00:07:12,606
I don't know.
This --

180
00:07:12,649 --> 00:07:14,540
This whole thing could backfire
and leave Dad even worse off.

181
00:07:14,564 --> 00:07:16,174
I say let's risk it.

182
00:07:16,218 --> 00:07:17,785
Who cares, right?

183
00:07:20,527 --> 00:07:21,832
What the hell is this?

184
00:07:21,876 --> 00:07:23,617
I thought you said
we got a trampoline.

185
00:07:23,660 --> 00:07:25,706
- Ohh, did you promise him a --
- Not now.

186
00:07:25,749 --> 00:07:28,056
Stan, please sit down.

187
00:07:28,099 --> 00:07:30,928
I sense someone close to you died.

188
00:07:30,972 --> 00:07:33,627
Your... dad.

189
00:07:33,670 --> 00:07:34,628
I'm not doing this.

190
00:07:34,671 --> 00:07:35,759
Please, Stan!

191
00:07:35,803 --> 00:07:38,283
Jack's death was hard on everyone.

192
00:07:38,327 --> 00:07:41,635
We just want to find some
closure, for all of us.

193
00:07:41,678 --> 00:07:42,766
[ Sighs ]

194
00:07:42,810 --> 00:07:45,377
Spirit realm,
hear our call!

195
00:07:45,421 --> 00:07:47,641
Let our voices guide you through the veil

196
00:07:47,684 --> 00:07:49,991
so you may move
among us.

197
00:07:50,034 --> 00:07:51,601
Look at the salt go!

198
00:07:51,645 --> 00:07:53,298
Roger.
Fine.

199
00:07:53,342 --> 00:07:55,562
We call on Jack Smith.

200
00:07:55,605 --> 00:07:58,347
Please commune with us!

201
00:07:58,390 --> 00:08:00,001
Welp, we tried.
I'm out.

202
00:08:00,044 --> 00:08:01,959
Jack: Stan.

203
00:08:02,003 --> 00:08:03,395
[ All gasp ]

204
00:08:03,439 --> 00:08:04,701
Dad!
It's you.

205
00:08:04,745 --> 00:08:06,964
Oh, shit, I might be the real deal.

206
00:08:07,008 --> 00:08:08,705
There's so much
I want to say to you.

207
00:08:08,749 --> 00:08:10,359
What are you wearing?

208
00:08:10,402 --> 00:08:12,187
I'm dead a week
and you start dressing

209
00:08:12,230 --> 00:08:13,667
like a lesbian
Raider fan?!

210
00:08:13,710 --> 00:08:15,756
Dad!
I'm trying to forgive you!

211
00:08:15,799 --> 00:08:17,540
[ Chuckles ]

212
00:08:17,584 --> 00:08:20,891
Aw, you've been crying,
Shirley Temple?

213
00:08:20,935 --> 00:08:22,676
Your makeup's running.

214
00:08:22,719 --> 00:08:24,591
I told you this could backfire,
Roger.

215
00:08:24,634 --> 00:08:26,418
Get rid of him.

216
00:08:26,462 --> 00:08:27,898
Leave him alone!
Shoo!

217
00:08:27,942 --> 00:08:30,945
I'm goin', I'm goin'!
You think I wanna be here?

218
00:08:30,988 --> 00:08:33,600
I should be rubbin' my wood
on the Pearly Gates about now.

219
00:08:33,643 --> 00:08:35,689
Oof!

220
00:08:35,732 --> 00:08:38,430
Okay, nobody panic,
but it seems I might have

221
00:08:38,474 --> 00:08:40,432
bound Jack's spirit
to the house.

222
00:08:40,476 --> 00:08:43,653
Oh, perfect.
I'm s-- Holy hell, Stan.

223
00:08:43,697 --> 00:08:46,569
With the lights on,
I can really drink you in.

224
00:08:46,613 --> 00:08:49,354
Those pants are just painted
on, aren't they?

225
00:08:49,398 --> 00:08:52,183
Oh, it's a shame you got
your mother's penis.

226
00:08:56,884 --> 00:08:59,800
Who's that kid
with brain damage?

227
00:08:59,843 --> 00:09:01,149
That's Young Sheldon.

228
00:09:01,192 --> 00:09:02,716
Is he the good guy
or the bad guy?

229
00:09:02,759 --> 00:09:04,239
There's no good or bad.

230
00:09:04,282 --> 00:09:07,068
Steve, which one
is your friend again?

231
00:09:07,111 --> 00:09:08,765
What?
None of them.

232
00:09:08,809 --> 00:09:11,028
Ah, this movie
is too confusing!

233
00:09:11,072 --> 00:09:14,815
Ooh, I've gotta dump
some ectoplasm.

234
00:09:14,858 --> 00:09:17,992
Well, it's -- it's fun having Jack around.

235
00:09:18,035 --> 00:09:19,733
He's the worst!

236
00:09:19,776 --> 00:09:21,822
He keeps putting "vagina"
on the shopping list.

237
00:09:21,865 --> 00:09:24,999
He keeps calling me "pure"
and measuring my thighs.

238
00:09:25,042 --> 00:09:26,478
I do not like it.

239
00:09:26,522 --> 00:09:28,176
Well, at least
he's nice to you.

240
00:09:28,219 --> 00:09:29,873
He's just mean to me.

241
00:09:29,917 --> 00:09:32,006
We have to find a way
to get rid of him!

242
00:09:32,049 --> 00:09:33,050
Like an exorcism.

243
00:09:33,094 --> 00:09:34,835
Wait!

244
00:09:34,878 --> 00:09:37,315
Doesn't Hayley have a bunch of
old witch books in the garage?

245
00:09:37,359 --> 00:09:39,448
Oh, right!
Her Wiccan phase.

246
00:09:39,491 --> 00:09:41,842
I still have the little
effigy she made of each of us.

247
00:09:41,885 --> 00:09:43,670
I poke 'em every once in a while.

248
00:09:43,713 --> 00:09:44,845
You guys ever feel that?

249
00:09:44,888 --> 00:09:48,022
Jack: Stan!
Nobody buys single-ply TP!

250
00:09:48,065 --> 00:09:51,852
I just touched my own butt hole
because of you, you limp dildo!

251
00:09:51,895 --> 00:09:54,898
Alright, garage!
Go, go, go!

252
00:09:54,942 --> 00:09:56,857
Okay, maybe this
is something.

253
00:09:56,900 --> 00:10:00,904
In Japanese legend, ghosts can
be trapped in our world

254
00:10:00,948 --> 00:10:03,864
until they resolve
a deep emotional conflict.

255
00:10:03,907 --> 00:10:05,692
Jack's not even Japanese,
Steve.

256
00:10:05,735 --> 00:10:06,997
Did the boy screw up?

257
00:10:07,041 --> 00:10:08,259
Call him a dildo!

258
00:10:08,303 --> 00:10:10,479
Hey, what's with
all the books?

259
00:10:10,522 --> 00:10:12,002
You guys tryin'
to get rid of me?

260
00:10:12,046 --> 00:10:15,049
What?! Grandpa!
Come on!

261
00:10:15,092 --> 00:10:17,094
It's alright.
I hate it here, too.

262
00:10:17,138 --> 00:10:19,009
And I have an idea.

263
00:10:19,053 --> 00:10:20,707
During my world travels,

264
00:10:20,750 --> 00:10:24,058
I once attended a sacred ritual
to help a spirit move on,

265
00:10:24,101 --> 00:10:26,713
deep in the heart
of Sacramento.

266
00:10:26,756 --> 00:10:27,801
I can replicate it.

267
00:10:27,844 --> 00:10:29,803
Wow, Sac-Town.

268
00:10:29,846 --> 00:10:31,892
Tampa of the West.

269
00:10:31,935 --> 00:10:33,937
Sac-Town's the Orlando
of the West!

270
00:10:33,981 --> 00:10:35,896
San Diego's Tampa.

271
00:10:35,939 --> 00:10:38,376
So, it's $50 to rent
for the day.

272
00:10:38,420 --> 00:10:41,728
Includes all the gear --
life vests, oars,

273
00:10:41,771 --> 00:10:43,904
and one
warm red PowerAde.

274
00:10:43,947 --> 00:10:45,775
Both: We brought oars. Hey!

275
00:10:45,819 --> 00:10:47,864
Jinx!
[ Both laugh ]

276
00:10:49,561 --> 00:10:51,172
You two married?

277
00:10:51,215 --> 00:10:52,869
Then you'll need
separate canoes.

278
00:10:52,913 --> 00:10:54,175
What?
No way.

279
00:10:54,218 --> 00:10:55,742
Yeah, the whole point of canoeing

280
00:10:55,785 --> 00:10:57,178
is we get to do it together.

281
00:10:57,221 --> 00:11:00,703
If you value your relationship,
get two canoes!

282
00:11:00,747 --> 00:11:02,574
The young couples I seen
come through here,

283
00:11:02,618 --> 00:11:05,099
none of them
was strong enough!

284
00:11:05,142 --> 00:11:07,492
Oh, the river
broke their hearts.

285
00:11:07,536 --> 00:11:08,580
Hey!

286
00:11:08,624 --> 00:11:09,799
What's that?

287
00:11:09,843 --> 00:11:11,801
I canoe hear you!

288
00:11:11,845 --> 00:11:14,064
Jeff: Did you just say,
"canoe hear you"?

289
00:11:14,108 --> 00:11:15,109
Uh-huh.

290
00:11:15,152 --> 00:11:16,414
[ Both laugh ]

291
00:11:16,458 --> 00:11:17,894
W-Why?

292
00:11:19,940 --> 00:11:25,728
Aperire fores malum ex inferno!

293
00:11:25,772 --> 00:11:28,339
I didn't expect
so much kneeling.

294
00:11:28,383 --> 00:11:31,516
Do you think it's rude if I
run upstairs and get some knee pads?

295
00:11:31,560 --> 00:11:33,301
I know exactly
where they are.

296
00:11:33,344 --> 00:11:35,085
Now repeat after me.

297
00:11:35,129 --> 00:11:37,305
By the six seals
of Drekavac

298
00:11:37,348 --> 00:11:40,612
and the call of
the ancient demon lords...

299
00:11:40,656 --> 00:11:41,962
Together: By the...

300
00:11:42,005 --> 00:11:43,093
seals...

301
00:11:43,137 --> 00:11:44,616
of...
- Uh...

302
00:11:44,660 --> 00:11:45,661
- ...Dreka--
- Drekavac...

303
00:11:45,705 --> 00:11:47,010
Good enough!

304
00:11:47,054 --> 00:11:49,883
We prescript
the blood shadows,

305
00:11:49,926 --> 00:11:51,319
open the gate!

306
00:11:51,362 --> 00:11:53,321
Open the gate!

307
00:11:53,364 --> 00:11:54,801
Together: Open the gate!

308
00:11:54,844 --> 00:11:56,585
Open the gate!

309
00:11:56,628 --> 00:11:58,805
Open the gate?

310
00:11:59,893 --> 00:12:00,981
Jack?

311
00:12:01,024 --> 00:12:02,896
He's gone!
We did it!

312
00:12:02,939 --> 00:12:03,810
Dad, I forgive you.

313
00:12:03,853 --> 00:12:05,986
Whew, there.
Closure.

314
00:12:06,029 --> 00:12:07,988
That one felt right. That was the one.

315
00:12:08,031 --> 00:12:09,119
Nice job, everyone.

316
00:12:09,163 --> 00:12:10,338
[ Deep voice ] Yeah!

317
00:12:10,381 --> 00:12:12,383
You nutsacks did it!

318
00:12:14,298 --> 00:12:15,952
[ Normal voice ]
Oh, no!

319
00:12:15,996 --> 00:12:17,214
Help!

320
00:12:17,258 --> 00:12:19,434
Noooo!

321
00:12:22,002 --> 00:12:23,699
[ Deep voice ]
I mean "we."

322
00:12:23,743 --> 00:12:24,918
We nutsacks did it.

323
00:12:24,961 --> 00:12:26,789
You sound terrible.

324
00:12:26,833 --> 00:12:29,879
Did my little guy catch a chill
from all that wind?

325
00:12:29,923 --> 00:12:31,925
Let's go get you
some soup.

326
00:12:31,968 --> 00:12:34,492
Any of you other
nutsacks want some?

327
00:12:35,885 --> 00:12:37,669
[ Whistling ]

328
00:12:37,713 --> 00:12:39,367
Whoa, look out!

329
00:12:39,410 --> 00:12:41,021
Someone's got a pep
in his step!

330
00:12:41,064 --> 00:12:42,631
Damn right I do.

331
00:12:42,674 --> 00:12:45,242
My crappy pappy's
taking a permanent nappy.

332
00:12:45,286 --> 00:12:47,810
That's a cute way
to say it.

333
00:12:47,854 --> 00:12:49,266
We're all pumped since we got rid of that

334
00:12:49,290 --> 00:12:52,032
thick-dicked bull elk we
were all jealous of.

335
00:12:52,075 --> 00:12:53,250
That's good, too!

336
00:12:53,294 --> 00:12:55,470
People are being
so creative today!

337
00:12:55,513 --> 00:12:57,428
Okay, I'm off to school.

338
00:12:57,472 --> 00:12:59,691
Oh, and all of you, stay out of my room.

339
00:12:59,735 --> 00:13:00,954
I've got...

340
00:13:00,997 --> 00:13:02,869
I don't know,
something embarrassing in there.

341
00:13:02,912 --> 00:13:05,959
A Barbra Streisand record, let's say.

342
00:13:06,002 --> 00:13:10,180
Maybe I'm crazy, but is Steve,
like, super cool now?

343
00:13:10,224 --> 00:13:12,313
He's definitely
acting weird.

344
00:13:12,356 --> 00:13:13,967
Maybe you should
talk to him.

345
00:13:14,010 --> 00:13:16,317
Eh, it's just normal teenager stuff.

346
00:13:16,360 --> 00:13:18,101
Hey, I'm Carly.

347
00:13:18,145 --> 00:13:20,669
Steve said I could find us
some beers in here?

348
00:13:20,712 --> 00:13:21,931
Alright,
I'll talk to him.

349
00:13:24,325 --> 00:13:25,674
Good news, Jeff.

350
00:13:25,717 --> 00:13:27,850
I invited another woman on our trip.

351
00:13:27,894 --> 00:13:29,286
Mother Nature!

352
00:13:29,330 --> 00:13:30,984
Good!

353
00:13:31,027 --> 00:13:33,900
Give her your oar because you
are doing nothing with it!

354
00:13:33,943 --> 00:13:36,337
You're steering us into the weeds again!

355
00:13:36,380 --> 00:13:37,555
The front steers!

356
00:13:37,599 --> 00:13:39,079
The front steers!

357
00:13:39,122 --> 00:13:41,864
Pull over!
I'm walking!

358
00:13:41,908 --> 00:13:43,039
See this?

359
00:13:43,083 --> 00:13:44,780
Just a pencil, right?

360
00:13:44,824 --> 00:13:47,130
Wrong.
Deadly weapon.

361
00:13:47,174 --> 00:13:50,133
Ka-blooey!
Between ribs three and four,

362
00:13:50,177 --> 00:13:52,483
you've got yourself
a heart on a stick.

363
00:13:52,527 --> 00:13:54,050
Of course, accuracy's
not an issue

364
00:13:54,094 --> 00:13:55,704
if you've got one of these.

365
00:13:55,747 --> 00:13:58,794
Steve, weren't we gonna try
to catch ladybugs today?

366
00:13:58,838 --> 00:14:01,014
Steve! Come on, I'll drive you home.

367
00:14:01,057 --> 00:14:02,667
Damn.
I gotta go.

368
00:14:02,711 --> 00:14:05,279
Later, Snorkle, Mushi, Fat One.

369
00:14:07,934 --> 00:14:09,457
Listen up. Your mother and I noticed

370
00:14:09,500 --> 00:14:10,675
you're not yourself lately.

371
00:14:10,719 --> 00:14:12,112
I'm driving.
Sure.

372
00:14:12,155 --> 00:14:13,940
And whatever it is you're dealing with,

373
00:14:13,983 --> 00:14:15,724
I want you to know you gotta wrap it up

374
00:14:15,767 --> 00:14:17,160
because I don't care
for it, okay?

375
00:14:17,204 --> 00:14:19,771
We good?[ Chuckles ] That's it?

376
00:14:19,815 --> 00:14:22,992
You're not gonna box my ears?
Ring my bell?

377
00:14:23,036 --> 00:14:25,275
Jerk my arm around a little to
let me know you mean business?

378
00:14:25,299 --> 00:14:27,127
What?
Of course not.

379
00:14:27,170 --> 00:14:30,043
You're too soft to be
a good father, ya limp dildo.

380
00:14:30,086 --> 00:14:31,914
[ Echoing ]
Dildo, dildo, dildo...

381
00:14:31,958 --> 00:14:34,569
Hey, Steve, I forget.

382
00:14:34,612 --> 00:14:37,050
What gives me the best
odds at the dog track?

383
00:14:37,093 --> 00:14:38,703
[ Deep voice ] The quinella,
obviously.

384
00:14:38,747 --> 00:14:39,922
Uh-huh.

385
00:14:39,966 --> 00:14:41,726
And what's the name of
your goblin character

386
00:14:41,750 --> 00:14:43,186
in your little
dragons game?

387
00:14:43,230 --> 00:14:45,710
Uh...

388
00:14:45,754 --> 00:14:47,843
Puerto Rican Charlie.

389
00:14:47,887 --> 00:14:49,540
Dad!
Shoot!

390
00:14:49,584 --> 00:14:51,194
Look,
I need the child.

391
00:14:51,238 --> 00:14:52,630
I'll let you
say your goodbyes.

392
00:14:52,674 --> 00:14:54,763
Goodbyes? Good enough.

393
00:14:54,806 --> 00:14:55,851
Aah!

394
00:14:59,246 --> 00:15:00,595
[ Normal voice ]Dad, no!

395
00:15:00,638 --> 00:15:02,379
That kick, though.

396
00:15:02,423 --> 00:15:04,816
Hyah!
Hyah!

397
00:15:10,561 --> 00:15:13,086
Hey, buddy.
Havin' a tough one?

398
00:15:13,129 --> 00:15:16,176
My son is really my dad,
and he stole my car!

399
00:15:16,219 --> 00:15:18,047
Yeah, me, too.

400
00:15:20,223 --> 00:15:22,182
Jack wanted to keep us
out of this room.

401
00:15:22,225 --> 00:15:24,010
There must be a clue here
where he's headed.

402
00:15:24,053 --> 00:15:25,402
Ugh!
I can't find anything

403
00:15:25,446 --> 00:15:27,013
under all these
museum schematics!

404
00:15:27,056 --> 00:15:30,233
The Metropolitan Museum of
Sports Memorabilia.

405
00:15:30,277 --> 00:15:33,106
[ Gasps ] That's where Dad
stole O. J.'s Bronco from!

406
00:15:33,149 --> 00:15:35,673
I hate to be this guy,
but the Bronco wasn't O. J.'s.

407
00:15:35,717 --> 00:15:37,197
It belonged to Al Cowlings.

408
00:15:37,240 --> 00:15:39,677
He's planning
another heist!

409
00:15:39,721 --> 00:15:41,001
Roger, I need
to borrow your car.

410
00:15:41,027 --> 00:15:42,680
Don't sweat it.
I'll drive you.

411
00:15:42,724 --> 00:15:45,422
Just open up Uber,
and I'll be the closest driver.

412
00:15:45,466 --> 00:15:47,859
Damn! I got eagle-swooped!

413
00:15:47,903 --> 00:15:49,687
Ah, but you got Rahim.
He's good.

414
00:15:49,731 --> 00:15:51,211
4.82.

415
00:15:51,254 --> 00:15:53,256
That's three stars
more than I have.

416
00:15:55,955 --> 00:15:56,999
That was bad.

417
00:15:57,043 --> 00:15:59,219
It was bad
on the river.

418
00:15:59,262 --> 00:16:00,611
The river
was the problem.

419
00:16:00,655 --> 00:16:04,006
Yeah, but we're good now, right?

420
00:16:04,050 --> 00:16:05,157
Have you had time to decide?

421
00:16:05,181 --> 00:16:07,401
Uh, I'll get the coconut shrimp
to start

422
00:16:07,444 --> 00:16:09,011
and then the scampi,
please.

423
00:16:09,055 --> 00:16:11,666
Hmm.
Do people usually get shrimp

424
00:16:11,709 --> 00:16:15,017
for both their appetizer
and their entrée?

425
00:16:15,061 --> 00:16:18,194
Or is that, like,
a stupid thing to do?

426
00:16:18,238 --> 00:16:20,849
What's the most creamers
you've ever seen someone

427
00:16:20,892 --> 00:16:22,155
put in their water?

428
00:16:22,198 --> 00:16:25,027
'Cause that would be
really stupid.

429
00:16:25,071 --> 00:16:27,290
I'm makin' milk!

430
00:16:27,334 --> 00:16:29,597
Jesus, did you guys share
a canoe or something?

431
00:16:29,640 --> 00:16:31,251
I don't know why
I'm so angry.

432
00:16:31,294 --> 00:16:32,861
We have to go back,
Jeff.

433
00:16:32,904 --> 00:16:34,645
Back on the river
where this all started,

434
00:16:34,689 --> 00:16:36,169
so we can fix it!

435
00:16:36,212 --> 00:16:38,867
Okay, but we gotta do it right
this time.

436
00:16:38,910 --> 00:16:41,435
With patience and love.

437
00:16:41,478 --> 00:16:43,089
[Bleep] [Bleep]
Shit! [Bleep]

438
00:16:43,132 --> 00:16:45,178
We had a good run,
babe!

439
00:16:45,221 --> 00:16:48,181
But these oars --they drove us apart!

440
00:16:48,224 --> 00:16:49,269
It's the oars!

441
00:16:49,312 --> 00:16:50,618
We should just
lose them!

442
00:16:50,661 --> 00:16:52,576
Lose the oars!

443
00:16:53,708 --> 00:16:55,275
Look, it's working!

444
00:16:55,318 --> 00:16:57,103
We're already
better at canoeing!

445
00:16:57,146 --> 00:16:59,453
I'm sorry, babe.
I love you.

446
00:16:59,496 --> 00:17:01,020
I love you, too.

447
00:17:03,761 --> 00:17:05,502
This is nice.

448
00:17:05,546 --> 00:17:08,114
Hey, look, that cloud
looks like cotton candy.

449
00:17:08,157 --> 00:17:10,203
That one
looks like a lion.

450
00:17:10,246 --> 00:17:11,465
I can even
hear it roaring.

451
00:17:11,508 --> 00:17:14,163
You know, I can't think
of a single time

452
00:17:14,207 --> 00:17:16,557
you would actually
need an oar.

453
00:17:16,600 --> 00:17:22,911
♪♪

454
00:17:22,954 --> 00:17:29,178
♪♪

455
00:17:29,222 --> 00:17:31,180
You don't have to do this,
Grandpa!

456
00:17:31,224 --> 00:17:32,268
[ Deep voice ] Quiet!

457
00:17:32,312 --> 00:17:34,314
I've tried this
before and failed.

458
00:17:34,357 --> 00:17:37,317
My body was too girthy,
too substantial.

459
00:17:37,360 --> 00:17:39,449
I needed a wisp of a boy
to finally get

460
00:17:39,493 --> 00:17:43,105
the Holy Grail of
sports memorabilia.

461
00:17:43,149 --> 00:17:46,500
The original pitcher
of Arnold Palmer!

462
00:17:46,543 --> 00:17:48,676
[ Normal voice ]
You stole my body for iced tea?

463
00:17:48,719 --> 00:17:50,243
[ Deep voice ]
Iced tea and lemonade,

464
00:17:50,286 --> 00:17:51,983
carefully concocted

465
00:17:52,027 --> 00:17:56,727
by the seventh-best golfer
of all time, arguably!

466
00:17:56,771 --> 00:17:57,902
Stan: Stop!

467
00:17:57,946 --> 00:18:00,340
Wheeee!

468
00:18:00,383 --> 00:18:01,732
Stan, freeze!

469
00:18:01,776 --> 00:18:03,473
There are lasers
everywhere.

470
00:18:03,517 --> 00:18:06,911
One wrong move, and we all
go away to sports jail forever.

471
00:18:06,955 --> 00:18:10,611
Oh, my God, a bowling pin
signed by Larry Bird?

472
00:18:10,654 --> 00:18:12,178
Why don't we
ever come here?

473
00:18:12,221 --> 00:18:14,049
Dad, I'm begging you,

474
00:18:14,093 --> 00:18:16,182
give me back my son, please.

475
00:18:16,225 --> 00:18:18,358
You don't deserve the boy!

476
00:18:18,401 --> 00:18:21,317
Face it, Stan, you were
a failure as my son,

477
00:18:21,361 --> 00:18:23,841
and you're a failure
as a father to Steven.

478
00:18:23,885 --> 00:18:26,409
You're right.
I am a bad dad

479
00:18:26,453 --> 00:18:28,237
because I thought
to be a father,

480
00:18:28,281 --> 00:18:30,805
I had to be like you --mean.

481
00:18:30,848 --> 00:18:34,504
But somehow I still ended
up with a really great kid,

482
00:18:34,548 --> 00:18:35,810
and I miss him.

483
00:18:35,853 --> 00:18:39,553
[ Normal voice ]
Daaaaad!

484
00:18:39,596 --> 00:18:40,815
That's it, Stan!

485
00:18:40,858 --> 00:18:42,295
Complimenting Steve
is giving him

486
00:18:42,338 --> 00:18:44,210
the confidence
to overpower Jack!

487
00:18:44,253 --> 00:18:45,515
Keep going!

488
00:18:45,559 --> 00:18:47,387
A red tennis ball.

489
00:18:47,430 --> 00:18:49,389
And it says
it's very rare.

490
00:18:49,432 --> 00:18:50,825
Huh, what a world!

491
00:18:50,868 --> 00:18:53,654
Alright, uh,
compliments.

492
00:18:53,697 --> 00:18:55,873
Man, nothing else really springs to mind.

493
00:18:56,657 --> 00:18:57,745
Aah!

494
00:18:57,788 --> 00:18:59,660
Quickly, Stan.
Anything!

495
00:18:59,703 --> 00:19:02,315
He always walks downstairs quietly.

496
00:19:02,358 --> 00:19:03,968
Adequate!
More!

497
00:19:04,012 --> 00:19:06,754
He can pry apart even the
most stuck-together Legos.

498
00:19:06,797 --> 00:19:09,191
♪♪

499
00:19:09,235 --> 00:19:12,281
He's the only one who reminds
me to drink enough water.

500
00:19:12,325 --> 00:19:14,196
He knows which sharks are which.

501
00:19:14,240 --> 00:19:16,459
[ Deep voice ] Stop this!

502
00:19:16,503 --> 00:19:18,069
You're embarrassing
yourselves!

503
00:19:18,113 --> 00:19:19,636
You're doing it,
Stan!

504
00:19:19,680 --> 00:19:22,291
You have to love your dad
out of your son!

505
00:19:22,335 --> 00:19:25,033
His hair is
a very even brown!

506
00:19:25,076 --> 00:19:27,862
He reminds me when
my parking meter's almost up.

507
00:19:27,905 --> 00:19:30,778
No!
I'll never go!

508
00:19:30,821 --> 00:19:33,346
His smile
makes me smile!

509
00:19:33,389 --> 00:19:39,265
♪♪

510
00:19:39,308 --> 00:19:41,658
Aah, damn it!

511
00:19:41,702 --> 00:19:42,659
Dad!

512
00:19:42,703 --> 00:19:44,095
[ Alarm blaring ]Steve!

513
00:19:45,967 --> 00:19:47,838
No!

514
00:19:47,882 --> 00:19:50,363
You sissies
ruined everything!

515
00:19:54,323 --> 00:19:56,978
Hey,
I found a secret way out.

516
00:20:00,329 --> 00:20:02,331
No!
I'm trapped!

517
00:20:02,375 --> 00:20:04,115
Don't leave me here with...

518
00:20:04,159 --> 00:20:06,074
Mary Tyler Moore's dress?

519
00:20:06,117 --> 00:20:08,076
What does this have to do
with sports?

520
00:20:08,119 --> 00:20:10,731
People magazine once described
"The Mary Tyler Moore Show"

521
00:20:10,774 --> 00:20:12,428
as a home run.

522
00:20:12,472 --> 00:20:13,647
Ah.

523
00:20:16,345 --> 00:20:18,739
The trick is
to never look down.

524
00:20:18,782 --> 00:20:20,131
The minute you stop
and think

525
00:20:20,175 --> 00:20:22,395
about what you're climbing, you're dead.

526
00:20:22,438 --> 00:20:24,397
Wow! You're the man!

527
00:20:24,440 --> 00:20:27,748
Stan, Steve thinks
he's a climber now.

528
00:20:27,791 --> 00:20:30,403
Do you think that?

529
00:20:30,446 --> 00:20:31,926
I sure do!

530
00:20:31,969 --> 00:20:34,407
Figuratively climbing out of
your own subconscious

531
00:20:34,450 --> 00:20:37,932
and real mountain climbing
are basically the same!

532
00:20:37,975 --> 00:20:40,761
You're a-a good boy.

533
00:20:40,804 --> 00:20:43,720
I really appreciate how
you've turned over this new leaf.

534
00:20:43,764 --> 00:20:46,332
Gotta break the Smith
family cycle.

535
00:20:46,375 --> 00:20:49,639
I'm not gonna waste my only
shot at being a great dad.

536
00:20:49,683 --> 00:20:50,684
Hayley: We're back!

537
00:20:50,727 --> 00:20:52,381
Hayley!
Good news!

538
00:20:52,425 --> 00:20:54,340
I decided to be
a good dad...

539
00:20:54,383 --> 00:20:55,558
to Steve.

540
00:20:55,602 --> 00:20:57,517
Great.
What else did we miss?

541
00:20:57,560 --> 00:20:59,127
Oh, so much!

542
00:20:59,170 --> 00:21:02,391
Steve made love to an old lady,
probably.

543
00:21:02,435 --> 00:21:04,350
Bye! Have a beautiful time!