1 00:00:01,131 --> 00:00:03,699 ♪ 2 00:00:03,742 --> 00:00:05,179 So I bit him. 3 00:00:05,222 --> 00:00:08,269 I didn't know what else to do, so I just bit him. 4 00:00:08,312 --> 00:00:10,967 And I feel like that was the right move 5 00:00:11,011 --> 00:00:13,970 because he never charged me for the guitar lesson. 6 00:00:14,014 --> 00:00:16,538 Okay! On to other business. 7 00:00:16,581 --> 00:00:19,149 We have an exciting new villain... 8 00:00:19,193 --> 00:00:21,630 Anastasia Kirilenko. 9 00:00:21,673 --> 00:00:24,154 Kirilenko? That sounds Russian. 10 00:00:24,198 --> 00:00:27,288 That's right! The Russians are doing shit again! 11 00:00:27,331 --> 00:00:29,551 [all cheering] 12 00:00:29,594 --> 00:00:32,206 The Russians?! They dance like this. 13 00:00:32,249 --> 00:00:35,600 Hey! Ho! Hey! Ho! Ha! Hey! Yeah, yeah! 14 00:00:35,644 --> 00:00:37,211 Yeah, yeah! Yeah! 15 00:00:37,254 --> 00:00:39,735 Ha ha! That's right, Styles! They do! 16 00:00:39,778 --> 00:00:42,564 Jackson has painted a fresco on the ceiling 17 00:00:42,607 --> 00:00:44,348 detailing the mission. 18 00:00:44,392 --> 00:00:48,178 Now, this is for you visual learners and also for me, 19 00:00:48,222 --> 00:00:50,920 because I got bananas high before this meeting. 20 00:00:50,963 --> 00:00:52,487 Jackson! 21 00:00:52,530 --> 00:00:55,359 JACKSON: We intercepted an order from Kirilenko's IP address 22 00:00:55,403 --> 00:00:56,969 to the American Girl doll store... 23 00:00:57,013 --> 00:00:58,188 AVERY: Ohh! 24 00:00:58,232 --> 00:00:59,426 JACKSON: ...where Kirilenko's daughter 25 00:00:59,450 --> 00:01:01,583 ordered a special, one-of-a-kind doll. 26 00:01:01,626 --> 00:01:03,063 AVERY: Hmm! 27 00:01:03,106 --> 00:01:05,282 JACKSON: The plan is to put a bug in the doll... 28 00:01:05,326 --> 00:01:06,433 - AVERY: Dude. - JACKSON: ...and ship it to 29 00:01:06,457 --> 00:01:08,807 - the Kirilenko compound. - AVERY: Whoa. 30 00:01:08,851 --> 00:01:11,506 JACKSON: We'll finally be able to listen in on the Russian mob. 31 00:01:11,549 --> 00:01:13,247 AVERY: Yeah. 32 00:01:13,290 --> 00:01:16,511 We've coordinated with American Girl, 33 00:01:16,554 --> 00:01:18,556 as we do on most missions, 34 00:01:18,600 --> 00:01:21,516 and they're giving us access to the doll before it's delivered. 35 00:01:21,559 --> 00:01:23,692 We just need an agent to go to the mall. 36 00:01:23,735 --> 00:01:24,867 - I got it! - Oh! Me! 37 00:01:24,910 --> 00:01:26,279 I'll do anything to get out of work. 38 00:01:26,303 --> 00:01:28,871 That's what I like to hear! 39 00:01:28,914 --> 00:01:32,440 Pick up the doll. Bring it to work Monday morning. 40 00:01:32,483 --> 00:01:34,529 I will be busy all weekend, 41 00:01:34,572 --> 00:01:37,488 posing for my deputy director portrait. 42 00:01:38,707 --> 00:01:40,361 Who said you people could go? 43 00:01:42,450 --> 00:01:45,192 [patriotic music plays] 44 00:01:45,235 --> 00:01:47,759 ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ 45 00:01:47,803 --> 00:01:51,763 ♪ I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪ 46 00:01:51,807 --> 00:01:54,940 ♪ The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪ 47 00:01:54,984 --> 00:01:58,727 ♪ And he's shinin' a salute to the American race ♪ 48 00:02:00,859 --> 00:02:04,298 ♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪ 49 00:02:04,341 --> 00:02:06,387 - ♪ Good... ♪ - ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ 50 00:02:06,430 --> 00:02:07,562 Aah! 51 00:02:09,172 --> 00:02:12,654 ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ 52 00:02:12,697 --> 00:02:14,371 [Boyz 12's "Girl You Need a Shot [Of B12 [Boyz 12]]" plays] 53 00:02:14,395 --> 00:02:17,441 ♪ Oh, girl, you need a shot of B12 ♪ 54 00:02:17,485 --> 00:02:19,289 - ♪ Break it out! ♪ - ♪ I'm B1 and I'm tons... ♪ 55 00:02:19,313 --> 00:02:20,705 [radio clicks] 56 00:02:20,749 --> 00:02:23,186 Steve, why are you hanging around this old factory? 57 00:02:23,230 --> 00:02:25,971 Uhh, this is my high school, Dad. 58 00:02:26,015 --> 00:02:28,713 You just met Mr. Brink at my parent-teacher conference. 59 00:02:28,757 --> 00:02:30,237 I thought that was your foreman. 60 00:02:30,280 --> 00:02:32,195 No wonder he wouldn't show me his jackhammer. 61 00:02:32,239 --> 00:02:33,849 Well, punch out and let's go to the mall. 62 00:02:35,242 --> 00:02:37,461 Were you just listening to the boy band I was in? 63 00:02:37,505 --> 00:02:39,047 Yeah, they've been playing it a lot recently 64 00:02:39,071 --> 00:02:40,353 since some psychopath's been murdering 65 00:02:40,377 --> 00:02:42,162 all the band members one by one. 66 00:02:42,205 --> 00:02:43,946 I have been getting a lot more calls 67 00:02:43,989 --> 00:02:45,948 that are just heaving breathing lately. 68 00:02:45,991 --> 00:02:47,776 I thought it was Barry. 69 00:02:47,819 --> 00:02:49,386 [birds chirping] 70 00:02:49,430 --> 00:02:52,041 I'm sorry we have to go to this lame doll store. 71 00:02:52,084 --> 00:02:54,174 These dolls are amazing. 72 00:02:54,217 --> 00:02:56,045 Did you know each American Girl doll 73 00:02:56,088 --> 00:02:58,003 has a rich historical backstory? 74 00:02:58,047 --> 00:02:59,242 I don't like where this is going. 75 00:02:59,266 --> 00:03:02,094 This is Koko. She's from Hawaii. 76 00:03:02,138 --> 00:03:05,054 "Her aloha spirit kept her family together 77 00:03:05,097 --> 00:03:08,188 on that fateful December morning in 1941, 78 00:03:08,231 --> 00:03:10,494 when the bombs fell from the lani." 79 00:03:10,538 --> 00:03:12,192 That's Hawaiian for "sky." 80 00:03:12,235 --> 00:03:16,457 No shit. Steve, you're a boy. And boys don't play with dolls. 81 00:03:16,500 --> 00:03:17,893 How about Helena? 82 00:03:17,936 --> 00:03:21,331 Her family died of dysentery during the Civil War. 83 00:03:21,375 --> 00:03:23,681 Dad! Hasn't Helena been through enough?! 84 00:03:23,725 --> 00:03:26,728 Look at my foot. It has been put down. 85 00:03:26,771 --> 00:03:28,860 ♪ 86 00:03:28,904 --> 00:03:32,647 Hi! I'm Bob, and this is my best friend, Maisie! 87 00:03:32,690 --> 00:03:35,127 [groans] 88 00:03:35,171 --> 00:03:39,131 Ooh! The one-of-a-kind Piper special edition! 89 00:03:39,175 --> 00:03:41,525 [high-pitched] "You're one lucky boy!" 90 00:03:41,569 --> 00:03:42,787 It's not for him! 91 00:03:42,831 --> 00:03:46,574 Ohh. A fellow adult doll enthusiast. 92 00:03:46,617 --> 00:03:49,054 [whispering] We should get together and play sometime. 93 00:03:49,098 --> 00:03:51,927 ♪ 94 00:03:51,970 --> 00:03:54,321 ANNOUNCER: From the creators of "Young Sheldon" comes... 95 00:03:54,364 --> 00:03:56,018 "Even Younger Sheldon." 96 00:03:56,061 --> 00:03:57,585 Yuck. It's just a fetus. 97 00:03:57,628 --> 00:03:59,239 I get out of here throughwhere? 98 00:03:59,282 --> 00:04:01,284 Uh, no, thank you. 99 00:04:01,328 --> 00:04:03,678 - [chuckles] Okay. - [door closes] 100 00:04:03,721 --> 00:04:06,420 I just had the tightest dinner with Jurgen. 101 00:04:06,463 --> 00:04:09,597 We destroyed the Chimdale Ruth's Chris. 102 00:04:09,640 --> 00:04:11,599 What gives, Klaus? You never have any money. 103 00:04:11,642 --> 00:04:13,253 It was Jurgen's treat. 104 00:04:13,296 --> 00:04:16,778 I did his taxes and got him a three-figure refund. 105 00:04:16,821 --> 00:04:19,128 I didn't know you did taxes. Can you help me with mine? 106 00:04:19,171 --> 00:04:22,305 Sure. You thinking standard or itemized deduction? 107 00:04:22,349 --> 00:04:26,004 Those are the exact types of questions I'm trying to avoid. 108 00:04:26,048 --> 00:04:28,964 And that's how I know Jackson is having a jazz party tonight. 109 00:04:29,007 --> 00:04:31,662 Can you believe he didn't skee-bop-ba-doo-bop-invite me? 110 00:04:31,706 --> 00:04:36,450 Uh-huh. So Dr. Weitzman switched yours and Jeff's consciousness?! 111 00:04:36,493 --> 00:04:38,234 Yeah, Mom. This is me... Hayley. 112 00:04:38,278 --> 00:04:39,235 The crazy thing is... 113 00:04:39,279 --> 00:04:41,063 And this is for couples therapy? 114 00:04:41,106 --> 00:04:42,456 Can we get back to my... 115 00:04:42,499 --> 00:04:44,806 [mimicking Jeff] Babe, I think I got your period. 116 00:04:44,849 --> 00:04:46,808 I understand you now. 117 00:04:46,851 --> 00:04:49,811 I just had to walk a mile in your tampon. 118 00:04:49,854 --> 00:04:52,770 [groans] No one cares about my problems. 119 00:04:52,814 --> 00:04:55,207 Oh! I forgot you were up there. 120 00:04:55,251 --> 00:04:58,341 Just like Jackson forgot to invite me to his jazz party. 121 00:04:58,385 --> 00:05:00,038 Or maybe it was on purpose. 122 00:05:00,082 --> 00:05:02,127 This is ridiculous! I'm talking to a doll! 123 00:05:08,220 --> 00:05:10,092 A little dark in there. 124 00:05:10,962 --> 00:05:12,790 Now I see on Instagram 125 00:05:12,834 --> 00:05:15,271 Hooper is having a bluegrass thing right now! 126 00:05:15,315 --> 00:05:17,665 He wanted me to see it! He tagged me! 127 00:05:17,708 --> 00:05:19,580 I'm acting like a crazy person. 128 00:05:19,623 --> 00:05:21,321 You can't hear me through that box. 129 00:05:22,539 --> 00:05:24,541 Hi. 130 00:05:26,891 --> 00:05:30,286 Good morning USA, Piper. Whatcha got there? 131 00:05:30,330 --> 00:05:32,462 Oh, right, you're an orphan from the Depression era 132 00:05:32,506 --> 00:05:34,725 and you write poetry for scraps of food. 133 00:05:34,769 --> 00:05:36,640 These are really good. 134 00:05:36,684 --> 00:05:38,294 Did you squiggle them yourself? 135 00:05:38,338 --> 00:05:41,123 You know, I wrote a poem once, about ham. 136 00:05:41,166 --> 00:05:42,646 But it didn't go very well. 137 00:05:42,690 --> 00:05:44,344 My friend fake-humped me 138 00:05:44,387 --> 00:05:47,390 and then took the ham-carving position I wanted. 139 00:05:47,434 --> 00:05:50,088 Has that ever happened to you with your poetry, Piper? 140 00:05:50,132 --> 00:05:51,438 [insects chirping] 141 00:05:51,481 --> 00:05:53,048 Where's your dad? 142 00:05:53,091 --> 00:05:55,833 And then I saw another guy last week that was like 6'4"! 143 00:05:55,877 --> 00:05:57,139 I don't know if I'm just lucky 144 00:05:57,182 --> 00:05:58,880 or if it's something about the store, 145 00:05:58,923 --> 00:06:01,796 but I always see really tall guys at Home Depot. 146 00:06:01,839 --> 00:06:04,407 ♪ 147 00:06:05,669 --> 00:06:07,802 Smith? Where's the doll?! 148 00:06:07,845 --> 00:06:09,586 O-Oh, my God. I totally forgot I had it. 149 00:06:09,630 --> 00:06:10,990 Senior moment. [chuckles nervously] 150 00:06:11,022 --> 00:06:12,609 I-I think the problem is that I don't care 151 00:06:12,633 --> 00:06:14,199 about that amazing doll at all. 152 00:06:14,243 --> 00:06:15,418 I'll bring it in tomorrow. 153 00:06:15,462 --> 00:06:17,333 Sorry about the, uh... pbht! brain fart! 154 00:06:17,377 --> 00:06:20,336 Good fart noise, Smith! 155 00:06:20,380 --> 00:06:21,424 [tires screech] 156 00:06:22,469 --> 00:06:24,601 So, I told our joke at... oh... 157 00:06:24,645 --> 00:06:27,517 at work today, and everybody laughed! 158 00:06:27,561 --> 00:06:30,172 ♪ 159 00:06:30,215 --> 00:06:31,279 So, you see, these tax write-offs 160 00:06:31,303 --> 00:06:32,827 that you've grouped together, 161 00:06:32,870 --> 00:06:36,570 I spread them over two categories and saved you $15. 162 00:06:36,613 --> 00:06:38,833 $15?! Wow! 163 00:06:38,876 --> 00:06:41,966 I'm gonna have so much change to take to Nipples and Nickels, 164 00:06:42,010 --> 00:06:43,814 the only strip club that lets you tip in nickels. 165 00:06:43,838 --> 00:06:45,622 By the way, can I get that in nickels? 166 00:06:45,666 --> 00:06:47,537 They don't make change at Nipples and Nickels. 167 00:06:47,581 --> 00:06:50,192 Furthermore, I'm recommending you to everyone. 168 00:06:50,235 --> 00:06:52,760 I-I don't know if I have time for any more clients! 169 00:06:52,803 --> 00:06:54,457 Raider Dave! 170 00:06:54,501 --> 00:06:57,155 Tax question... If I beat a man with a tire iron 171 00:06:57,199 --> 00:06:59,723 in the stadium parking lot, is that deductible? 172 00:06:59,767 --> 00:07:01,464 I'll have to look into it. 173 00:07:01,508 --> 00:07:03,292 If it makes a difference, he started it. 174 00:07:03,335 --> 00:07:06,034 His wife and small children were wearing Broncos jerseys... 175 00:07:06,077 --> 00:07:07,427 in Denver, no less. 176 00:07:07,470 --> 00:07:09,429 That's Raider country! 177 00:07:09,472 --> 00:07:10,865 [birds chirping] 178 00:07:10,908 --> 00:07:11,908 [doorbell rings] 179 00:07:12,910 --> 00:07:16,261 Hey, Steve! Agent Styles! 180 00:07:16,305 --> 00:07:18,133 I know your dad's been out sick for a week, 181 00:07:18,176 --> 00:07:20,483 and clearly you've caught it, whatever it is, 182 00:07:20,527 --> 00:07:21,895 but I need to get something from him. 183 00:07:21,919 --> 00:07:24,139 Rogu. 184 00:07:24,182 --> 00:07:26,620 Whoa! You sound like shit! 185 00:07:26,663 --> 00:07:29,274 [accordion playing] 186 00:07:29,318 --> 00:07:31,668 I so treasure these talks with you, Piper. 187 00:07:31,712 --> 00:07:34,323 The world's greatest treasure is found 188 00:07:34,366 --> 00:07:36,194 in the words of friendship. 189 00:07:36,238 --> 00:07:39,763 Wow, Piper! Only you can make Smash Mouth lyrics... 190 00:07:39,807 --> 00:07:42,287 which I assume those were... sound so beautiful. 191 00:07:42,331 --> 00:07:43,506 - [door opens] - STYLES: Stan? 192 00:07:43,550 --> 00:07:46,204 Styles! What are you doing in Paris?! 193 00:07:46,248 --> 00:07:49,077 ♪ 194 00:07:49,120 --> 00:07:50,560 Okay. Uh, what were we talking about? 195 00:07:50,600 --> 00:07:52,646 Sports cars, right? My favorite is Lamborghini. 196 00:07:52,689 --> 00:07:54,691 It's so fast. 197 00:07:54,735 --> 00:07:56,650 What the hell is going on with you, Stan? 198 00:07:56,693 --> 00:07:58,129 Okay. Let me explain. 199 00:07:58,173 --> 00:08:01,437 Like most flashbacks, this one starts in the past. 200 00:08:01,481 --> 00:08:03,371 -[up-tempo '50s music plays] -STAN: After my dad left, 201 00:08:03,395 --> 00:08:05,789 my mother had to raise me all on her own. 202 00:08:05,833 --> 00:08:07,182 Without a dad to guide me, 203 00:08:07,225 --> 00:08:09,489 she was afraid I'd turn out too girly. 204 00:08:09,532 --> 00:08:11,142 So she had very strict rules 205 00:08:11,186 --> 00:08:12,622 about what boys could play with. 206 00:08:12,666 --> 00:08:14,711 Aah! 207 00:08:14,755 --> 00:08:16,539 ♪ 208 00:08:16,583 --> 00:08:18,149 Aah! 209 00:08:18,193 --> 00:08:22,806 ♪ 210 00:08:22,850 --> 00:08:25,940 I thought I told you to throw out that stupid doll! 211 00:08:25,983 --> 00:08:27,724 But she's my best friend! 212 00:08:27,768 --> 00:08:31,380 Look at my foot. It has been put down. 213 00:08:31,423 --> 00:08:32,729 Aah! 214 00:08:32,773 --> 00:08:34,296 [harp plays] 215 00:08:34,339 --> 00:08:36,341 So I guess that's why I went... 216 00:08:36,385 --> 00:08:38,387 a little overboard with all this. 217 00:08:38,430 --> 00:08:40,520 I've been keeping this inside for way too long. 218 00:08:40,563 --> 00:08:43,000 But now I've had a breakthrough. I'm all better! 219 00:08:43,044 --> 00:08:44,219 Just like that? 220 00:08:44,262 --> 00:08:46,526 I guess I'm just super-healthy mentally. 221 00:08:46,569 --> 00:08:50,051 Here. This doll needs to go to Russia. 222 00:08:50,094 --> 00:08:51,661 You have a lovely home. 223 00:08:53,141 --> 00:08:54,882 I guess I should tidy up. 224 00:08:56,187 --> 00:08:58,581 Oh. Huh. Piper left her jacket. 225 00:08:58,625 --> 00:09:01,845 ♪ It's overdue ♪ 226 00:09:01,889 --> 00:09:03,368 ANNOUNCER: That was B12, 227 00:09:03,412 --> 00:09:05,806 now with only seven surviving members! 228 00:09:05,849 --> 00:09:06,913 STAN: Piper needs her jacket! 229 00:09:06,937 --> 00:09:08,591 - [tires popping, screeching] - Aah! 230 00:09:08,635 --> 00:09:10,201 [crowd screaming] 231 00:09:11,681 --> 00:09:14,597 You can't be trusted with Piper! You're a terrible driver! 232 00:09:16,904 --> 00:09:19,167 When I saw you'd left your jacket, 233 00:09:19,210 --> 00:09:21,604 I realized you were sending me a message. 234 00:09:21,648 --> 00:09:24,389 You didn't want to go any more than I wanted you to leave. 235 00:09:24,433 --> 00:09:26,870 It's all true, Stan! 236 00:09:26,914 --> 00:09:30,395 Piper, you're the best doll friend I've ever had. 237 00:09:30,439 --> 00:09:32,833 I can't let you go now that I've found you. 238 00:09:32,876 --> 00:09:36,010 Stan, the CIA really wants me to go to Russia. 239 00:09:36,053 --> 00:09:38,229 They're probably gonna come after me. 240 00:09:38,273 --> 00:09:40,884 If I know the CIA, they'll be after me, as well. 241 00:09:40,928 --> 00:09:42,364 They'll think this is all my idea. 242 00:09:42,407 --> 00:09:44,061 They don't know anything about friendship. 243 00:09:44,105 --> 00:09:45,193 We need to run. 244 00:09:45,236 --> 00:09:47,108 Yeah. We'll lie low for a few years, 245 00:09:47,151 --> 00:09:49,066 then I'll come back for Francine and Rogu. 246 00:09:49,110 --> 00:09:51,416 [birds chirping] 247 00:09:51,460 --> 00:09:54,028 ♪ 248 00:09:54,071 --> 00:09:57,031 Did you have any unusual expenses this year? 249 00:09:57,074 --> 00:09:58,946 Got a full penis tattoo of Dale Earnhardt. 250 00:09:58,989 --> 00:10:00,251 Totally butchered it. 251 00:10:00,295 --> 00:10:02,036 Looks like Milhouse from The Simpsons. 252 00:10:02,079 --> 00:10:04,691 I accidentally ejaculated on a Nagel painting 253 00:10:04,734 --> 00:10:06,407 and was forced to purchase it from the museum. 254 00:10:06,431 --> 00:10:08,303 Neigh! 255 00:10:08,346 --> 00:10:12,394 Did you receive unreported tip income of $20 or more? 256 00:10:12,437 --> 00:10:14,091 I have no need for a job. 257 00:10:14,135 --> 00:10:16,920 I exchange smoothies for used clothes. 258 00:10:16,964 --> 00:10:19,053 I received a trampoline as a business gift 259 00:10:19,096 --> 00:10:21,664 from a prostitute I am deeply in love with. 260 00:10:21,708 --> 00:10:25,581 Did you make any... contributions to a retirement plan? 261 00:10:25,625 --> 00:10:27,670 - No. - No. 262 00:10:27,714 --> 00:10:29,411 [slurps] No. 263 00:10:29,454 --> 00:10:32,806 And roughly what was your income this year? 264 00:10:32,849 --> 00:10:35,591 Mama gives me a nickel if I don't touch myself! 265 00:10:35,635 --> 00:10:37,874 Where were you the night of the Sadie Hawkins dance haunting? 266 00:10:37,898 --> 00:10:39,116 Aah! 267 00:10:39,160 --> 00:10:41,292 WOMAN [whispering]: Ricky Spanish. 268 00:10:41,336 --> 00:10:44,034 Sorry. I couldn't hear you over the stabbing. 269 00:10:44,078 --> 00:10:46,689 How much did you say you donated to the Audubon Society? 270 00:10:46,733 --> 00:10:51,955 WOMAN [whispering]: $17,428. 271 00:10:54,697 --> 00:10:56,917 [indistinct conversations] 272 00:10:56,960 --> 00:10:58,527 I'm gonna buy you some sugar cereal, 273 00:10:58,570 --> 00:11:00,355 but it's only because we're on vacation. 274 00:11:00,398 --> 00:11:01,922 Now we have some breaking news. 275 00:11:01,965 --> 00:11:04,011 This just in from Langley Falls, Virginia. 276 00:11:04,054 --> 00:11:05,926 Here's a picture of the suspects, 277 00:11:05,969 --> 00:11:08,189 - who are still at large. - [gunshot] 278 00:11:08,232 --> 00:11:09,669 Sorry. That just went off. 279 00:11:09,712 --> 00:11:11,366 By the way, that was not me on the TV, 280 00:11:11,409 --> 00:11:13,542 this is a normal doll, and I'm a normal man. 281 00:11:13,585 --> 00:11:16,893 Now, where do you keep your hair dye, like, for normal disguises? 282 00:11:18,025 --> 00:11:20,331 Well, Stan, you've done it again. 283 00:11:20,375 --> 00:11:22,812 Your most fiendishly clever disguise yet. 284 00:11:22,856 --> 00:11:24,945 Even my own family would never suspect 285 00:11:24,988 --> 00:11:26,773 that I'm not Barry Manilow. 286 00:11:26,816 --> 00:11:28,165 [suspenseful music plays] 287 00:11:30,777 --> 00:11:33,475 It's all worth it. 288 00:11:33,518 --> 00:11:36,391 Such a little angel. 289 00:11:36,434 --> 00:11:40,569 ♪ 290 00:11:40,612 --> 00:11:43,572 Did your... friend not like her eggs? 291 00:11:43,615 --> 00:11:45,655 What are you talking about? She ate the whole thing. 292 00:11:47,184 --> 00:11:50,013 [indistinct conversations] 293 00:11:50,057 --> 00:11:54,148 Let's pay cash. Don't want the CIA tracking my card. 294 00:11:54,191 --> 00:11:55,802 You're right. No huge tips. 295 00:11:55,845 --> 00:11:57,978 Don't want to end up a segment on the local news. 296 00:11:58,021 --> 00:12:00,110 Let me just do a quick Yelp review. 297 00:12:00,154 --> 00:12:01,590 STYLES: I found Stan! 298 00:12:01,633 --> 00:12:03,548 [mouse clicking] 299 00:12:03,592 --> 00:12:05,463 And he's driving west on 68! 300 00:12:05,507 --> 00:12:08,075 [birds chirping] 301 00:12:09,206 --> 00:12:10,646 - STAN: What the... - [brakes squeak] 302 00:12:15,517 --> 00:12:17,998 I have access to your memories! 303 00:12:18,041 --> 00:12:20,870 ♪ 304 00:12:20,914 --> 00:12:22,785 No! She doesn't like it in there! 305 00:12:22,829 --> 00:12:25,005 She's going to Russia, Smith. 306 00:12:25,048 --> 00:12:27,529 And there's nothing you can do about it. 307 00:12:27,572 --> 00:12:29,096 Putting the hose down. 308 00:12:29,139 --> 00:12:31,620 [engine starts] 309 00:12:31,663 --> 00:12:33,883 [sobs] 310 00:12:33,927 --> 00:12:36,103 Doll is lost! 311 00:12:36,146 --> 00:12:39,976 ♪ 312 00:12:40,020 --> 00:12:41,804 What's wrong, Stan? 313 00:12:41,848 --> 00:12:44,938 Oh, Towel Swan, I don't know. Am I becoming unhinged? 314 00:12:44,981 --> 00:12:46,635 What?! No! 315 00:12:46,678 --> 00:12:49,725 You're as hinged as a door, bro. 316 00:12:49,769 --> 00:12:51,596 You need to go find Piper. 317 00:12:51,640 --> 00:12:53,685 But she's halfway to Russia already! 318 00:12:53,729 --> 00:12:57,951 This isn't the Stan I know. This looks like a crybaby. 319 00:12:57,994 --> 00:13:00,954 I'm not a crybaby! But I'm just one man. 320 00:13:00,997 --> 00:13:04,305 I can't go halfway to Russia all by myself. I need a team. 321 00:13:04,348 --> 00:13:06,263 Don't worry. We'll help you, Stan. 322 00:13:06,307 --> 00:13:09,701 [up-tempo show tune plays] 323 00:13:09,745 --> 00:13:11,921 ♪ We'll help Stan, he's our friend... ♪ 324 00:13:11,965 --> 00:13:13,575 STAN: Shut up! Piper's missing! 325 00:13:13,618 --> 00:13:15,838 Sorry. You guys are great. Don't get me wrong. 326 00:13:15,882 --> 00:13:18,319 But I need you to hang back here at headquarters 327 00:13:18,362 --> 00:13:20,190 while I put a team together to get her. 328 00:13:20,234 --> 00:13:22,497 Wait. Say that again. 329 00:13:22,540 --> 00:13:25,761 Get a team together... to get her. 330 00:13:25,805 --> 00:13:28,329 - Whoa! - Whoa! 331 00:13:28,372 --> 00:13:30,331 [birds chirping] 332 00:13:30,374 --> 00:13:31,854 I need you for a job, 333 00:13:31,898 --> 00:13:34,465 and word is you've got the résumé I'm looking for... 334 00:13:34,509 --> 00:13:38,513 Special Forces, black ops, 67 confirmed kills. 335 00:13:38,556 --> 00:13:40,820 [Southern accent] I left that life behind. 336 00:13:40,863 --> 00:13:43,692 Then I guess I'll have to save Piper by myself. 337 00:13:43,735 --> 00:13:45,520 Piper's in trouble? 338 00:13:45,563 --> 00:13:47,783 Well, why the hell didn't you say so? 339 00:13:49,306 --> 00:13:51,265 [dramatic music plays] 340 00:13:51,308 --> 00:13:54,224 ♪ 341 00:13:54,268 --> 00:13:56,487 What took you so long? 342 00:13:56,531 --> 00:14:00,535 ♪ 343 00:14:00,578 --> 00:14:02,015 [metal scraping] 344 00:14:02,058 --> 00:14:06,802 ♪ 345 00:14:06,846 --> 00:14:08,978 I'm in, baby. 346 00:14:09,022 --> 00:14:10,980 ♪ 347 00:14:11,024 --> 00:14:12,242 [gunshot] 348 00:14:13,983 --> 00:14:15,656 [Southern accent] We'll bring the sweet tea. 349 00:14:15,680 --> 00:14:18,205 [gun cocks] 350 00:14:18,248 --> 00:14:20,250 ♪ 351 00:14:20,294 --> 00:14:22,557 That'll be $6,000. 352 00:14:25,429 --> 00:14:27,388 [jet engines humming] 353 00:14:28,171 --> 00:14:30,565 Hi. I need eight tickets to Moscow. First class. 354 00:14:30,608 --> 00:14:32,045 [keyboard clacking] 355 00:14:32,088 --> 00:14:35,309 Ooh. We only have seven first-class seats available. 356 00:14:35,352 --> 00:14:37,398 [engines humming] 357 00:14:46,973 --> 00:14:50,846 ♪ 358 00:14:50,890 --> 00:14:53,196 There. Now that I've framed my poster, 359 00:14:53,240 --> 00:14:56,417 this finally feels like a grown-up's alcove. 360 00:14:56,460 --> 00:14:58,027 I should have a dinner party. 361 00:14:58,071 --> 00:15:00,160 Klaus Heisler, you're in big trouble! 362 00:15:00,203 --> 00:15:01,726 What?! What's this about? 363 00:15:01,770 --> 00:15:04,555 Maynard Butterbean, IRS auditor. 364 00:15:04,599 --> 00:15:08,690 You've been convicted of filing 147 fraudulent tax returns. 365 00:15:08,733 --> 00:15:10,953 Convicted? D-Don't I get a trial? 366 00:15:10,997 --> 00:15:14,391 A trial? This isn't TV, bro. You're going to jail! 367 00:15:14,435 --> 00:15:17,786 I-I'll admit, I took a few liberties, but everyone does it. 368 00:15:17,829 --> 00:15:20,136 This isn't cocaine, sir. Not everyone does this. 369 00:15:20,180 --> 00:15:21,877 We're seizing all your assets. 370 00:15:21,921 --> 00:15:23,966 Assets? I don't have any... 371 00:15:24,010 --> 00:15:25,489 [gasps] No! 372 00:15:25,533 --> 00:15:26,969 [glass shatters] 373 00:15:27,013 --> 00:15:29,754 I spent $700 at Aaron Brothers getting that framed! 374 00:15:29,798 --> 00:15:31,539 Hit him with the Tasers, boys. 375 00:15:31,582 --> 00:15:32,995 - [gasps and grunts] - [Taser crackling] 376 00:15:33,019 --> 00:15:34,672 Roger, you jerk. 377 00:15:34,716 --> 00:15:35,935 - [Taser crackling] - [grunts] 378 00:15:35,978 --> 00:15:37,434 - Are you busy Saturday? - [Taser crackling] 379 00:15:37,458 --> 00:15:39,373 [screams] I'm having a little dinner party. 380 00:15:39,416 --> 00:15:41,114 [groans] 381 00:15:41,157 --> 00:15:42,550 I'll be there. 382 00:15:42,593 --> 00:15:47,424 ♪ 383 00:15:47,468 --> 00:15:49,426 [man grunts] 384 00:15:49,470 --> 00:15:52,516 There's no dying in baseball. 385 00:15:52,560 --> 00:15:55,215 Emma, you're in a league of your own. 386 00:15:57,521 --> 00:15:59,436 [beep, gate whirs] 387 00:16:02,048 --> 00:16:04,398 [dramatic music plays] 388 00:16:04,441 --> 00:16:05,877 How are we gonna get past them? 389 00:16:05,921 --> 00:16:09,055 Me and Debbie can handle those cold-blooded Russians. 390 00:16:09,098 --> 00:16:10,534 STAN [high-pitched]: Hey, boys! 391 00:16:14,495 --> 00:16:16,236 [men grunting] 392 00:16:17,106 --> 00:16:18,934 [normal voice] You're a miracle on ice. 393 00:16:18,978 --> 00:16:20,109 [smooches] 394 00:16:21,719 --> 00:16:24,026 [suspenseful music plays] 395 00:16:24,070 --> 00:16:25,897 ♪ 396 00:16:25,941 --> 00:16:27,029 [farts] 397 00:16:27,073 --> 00:16:28,726 - Shh! - [gun cocks] 398 00:16:28,770 --> 00:16:31,207 [Russian accent] Bad timing on that squeaky fart. 399 00:16:31,251 --> 00:16:33,470 You're a dead man, Amerikanskiy. 400 00:16:33,514 --> 00:16:35,777 Uh, I think my friend Madison 401 00:16:35,820 --> 00:16:38,040 might have something to say about that. 402 00:16:38,084 --> 00:16:39,172 [tires screech] 403 00:16:39,215 --> 00:16:40,390 Aw, yeah! 404 00:16:40,434 --> 00:16:43,176 I'm comin' to get ya! 405 00:16:43,219 --> 00:16:45,047 [engine whirring softly] 406 00:16:45,091 --> 00:16:47,180 [whirring stops] 407 00:16:47,223 --> 00:16:50,835 Your American car is no match for our Russian wall. 408 00:16:50,879 --> 00:16:52,315 [both laughing] 409 00:16:54,274 --> 00:16:57,103 Wow. I thought Russians were supposed to be tough. 410 00:16:57,146 --> 00:16:59,366 [suspenseful music plays] 411 00:16:59,409 --> 00:17:01,237 [gun clicks] 412 00:17:01,281 --> 00:17:04,936 Damn it. I brought seven dolls but only two bullets. 413 00:17:04,980 --> 00:17:06,479 [Russian accent] You're all out of bullets... 414 00:17:06,503 --> 00:17:08,114 all out of dolls... 415 00:17:08,157 --> 00:17:10,420 and all out of luck. 416 00:17:10,464 --> 00:17:11,856 That's where you're wrong. 417 00:17:11,900 --> 00:17:14,468 I don't need luck, because I have Mai. 418 00:17:14,511 --> 00:17:15,947 Get him, Mai! 419 00:17:15,991 --> 00:17:17,471 Hahhh! 420 00:17:19,125 --> 00:17:20,648 [gun cocks] 421 00:17:20,691 --> 00:17:22,345 - [grunts] - [gunshot] 422 00:17:22,389 --> 00:17:24,478 Russians be trippin'. 423 00:17:24,521 --> 00:17:27,307 Piper! Where are you? 424 00:17:27,350 --> 00:17:29,396 [footsteps approaching] 425 00:17:33,139 --> 00:17:36,359 Zoya Kirilenko. Anastasia's daughter. 426 00:17:36,403 --> 00:17:40,276 [Russian accent] Oh, Piper, I have had such a tough day. 427 00:17:40,320 --> 00:17:43,497 What's that? Oh, thank you! 428 00:17:43,540 --> 00:17:45,499 You always know just what to say. 429 00:17:46,935 --> 00:17:48,893 [Russian accent] Here you are. 430 00:17:48,937 --> 00:17:50,243 I thought I told you 431 00:17:50,286 --> 00:17:52,158 - to throw out that stupid doll! - But, Mother! 432 00:17:52,201 --> 00:17:55,074 You will run this organization when I'm gone, 433 00:17:55,117 --> 00:17:58,599 but you'll never be a leader of men if you play with dolls. 434 00:17:58,642 --> 00:18:00,079 I can do both! 435 00:18:00,122 --> 00:18:03,647 Look at my foot. It has been put down. 436 00:18:06,215 --> 00:18:08,478 [gasps] Where were you when I farted? 437 00:18:08,522 --> 00:18:10,045 [birds chirping] 438 00:18:11,438 --> 00:18:13,092 You came back for me! 439 00:18:13,135 --> 00:18:15,311 Of course I did. 440 00:18:15,355 --> 00:18:18,836 I can tell by the look on your face something's wrong. 441 00:18:18,880 --> 00:18:20,664 According to the American Girl Feelings Book, 442 00:18:20,708 --> 00:18:22,231 you're concerned about something, 443 00:18:22,275 --> 00:18:25,800 like speaking up in class or saying hi to the new girl. 444 00:18:25,843 --> 00:18:27,193 What is it, Stan? 445 00:18:27,236 --> 00:18:29,934 Piper, you've filled a hole in my life 446 00:18:29,978 --> 00:18:33,199 that my wife, children, SUV, and alien never could. 447 00:18:33,242 --> 00:18:34,939 Aww. That's so sweet. 448 00:18:34,983 --> 00:18:37,725 But I can tell there's something you're not saying. 449 00:18:37,768 --> 00:18:41,468 I've realized there's someone who needs you more than I do. 450 00:18:41,511 --> 00:18:43,905 [sobbing] 451 00:18:43,948 --> 00:18:45,907 Piper! You're back! 452 00:18:45,950 --> 00:18:47,604 [voice breaking] Treat her well. 453 00:18:47,648 --> 00:18:49,737 Thank you. I will. 454 00:18:49,780 --> 00:18:53,132 She's got a milk allergy, so she only drinks Diet Sprite. 455 00:18:53,175 --> 00:18:55,830 And she can't sleep without her Blake Griffin plushy. 456 00:18:55,873 --> 00:18:58,398 Yeah, I know. It's on her box. 457 00:18:58,441 --> 00:18:59,616 [down-tempo music plays] 458 00:18:59,660 --> 00:19:02,315 Bye, Piper. 459 00:19:02,358 --> 00:19:04,099 Goodbye, Stan. 460 00:19:04,143 --> 00:19:07,146 ♪ 461 00:19:07,189 --> 00:19:09,191 Oh. I'm not crazy anymore. 462 00:19:09,235 --> 00:19:11,802 She's all yours. 463 00:19:11,846 --> 00:19:13,978 But what about my mother? She said... 464 00:19:14,022 --> 00:19:16,981 Oh, I wouldn't worry about your mother anymore. 465 00:19:19,419 --> 00:19:23,292 Imagine... a mother who wouldn't let her child play with dolls. 466 00:19:23,336 --> 00:19:25,381 [suspenseful music plays] 467 00:19:27,383 --> 00:19:29,168 [engine starts] 468 00:19:29,211 --> 00:19:31,996 [explosion, metal clattering, flames crackling] 469 00:19:32,040 --> 00:19:34,321 Good thing there's not more than one way to mess up a kid. 470 00:19:34,347 --> 00:19:37,872 ♪ 471 00:19:39,308 --> 00:19:41,876 - You did it, Smith! - I know. 472 00:19:41,919 --> 00:19:43,399 Piper has a great new home 473 00:19:43,443 --> 00:19:45,923 with a girl that loves her just as much as I did. 474 00:19:45,967 --> 00:19:48,752 No, I mean getting the bug back in the house 475 00:19:48,796 --> 00:19:50,972 and taking out Kirilenko. 476 00:19:51,015 --> 00:19:53,975 Now when the daughter takes over the organization, 477 00:19:54,018 --> 00:19:56,195 we'll know their every move. 478 00:19:56,238 --> 00:19:57,544 We're getting something! 479 00:19:59,154 --> 00:20:02,331 ZOYA: Can I tell you a secret, Piper? 480 00:20:02,375 --> 00:20:03,767 I believe in mermaids. 481 00:20:03,811 --> 00:20:06,770 This is great intel, Smith! 482 00:20:06,814 --> 00:20:09,382 [insects chirping] 483 00:20:09,425 --> 00:20:12,123 [suspenseful music plays] 484 00:20:12,167 --> 00:20:17,564 ♪ 485 00:20:17,607 --> 00:20:19,174 - STAN: Steve? - [gasps] 486 00:20:19,218 --> 00:20:20,480 [screaming] 487 00:20:20,523 --> 00:20:21,916 Oh! 488 00:20:21,959 --> 00:20:24,266 [grunts] 489 00:20:24,310 --> 00:20:26,007 [groaning] 490 00:20:29,880 --> 00:20:32,231 [groans] 491 00:20:32,274 --> 00:20:35,321 Steve, I got you the American Girl doll you've always wanted! 492 00:20:35,364 --> 00:20:37,323 Oh, Dad, it's okay. 493 00:20:37,366 --> 00:20:39,194 I'm... I'm not really into that anymore. 494 00:20:39,238 --> 00:20:41,414 Son, I've realized I was wrong 495 00:20:41,457 --> 00:20:43,720 when I told you boys couldn't play with dolls. 496 00:20:43,764 --> 00:20:45,983 So... play away. 497 00:20:46,027 --> 00:20:47,724 And put on this lipstick. 498 00:20:47,768 --> 00:20:50,031 Oh... kay. 499 00:20:50,074 --> 00:20:52,163 Mm. 500 00:20:52,207 --> 00:20:54,601 You're a good dad, Stan. 501 00:20:55,950 --> 00:20:58,300 Bye! Have a great time!