1 00:00:01,214 --> 00:00:03,290 - Jackpot. - _ 2 00:00:04,739 --> 00:00:06,671 One points. 3 00:00:10,611 --> 00:00:13,011 Iz raining! 4 00:00:14,615 --> 00:00:16,749 Dinner. It's what's for dinner. 5 00:00:16,751 --> 00:00:19,684 Now, I've been up since 10:00, so I'm turning in. 6 00:00:19,686 --> 00:00:21,886 Enjoy, my babies. 7 00:00:21,888 --> 00:00:24,423 Channel 36 is incredibly proud 8 00:00:24,425 --> 00:00:26,558 to present our midnight movie, 9 00:00:26,560 --> 00:00:29,762 "The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smowg." 10 00:00:31,300 --> 00:00:34,232 Stan, it's Smowg. He's about to be desolated. 11 00:00:34,234 --> 00:00:36,135 Stan? 12 00:00:37,404 --> 00:00:39,404 Huh. 13 00:00:39,506 --> 00:00:41,340 Huh. 14 00:00:41,442 --> 00:00:43,141 Huh. 15 00:00:43,243 --> 00:00:45,043 Huh. 16 00:00:45,045 --> 00:00:47,312 No. 17 00:00:51,485 --> 00:00:52,517 Uh-oh. 18 00:00:52,519 --> 00:00:54,452 What the hell are you guys doing down here? 19 00:00:54,454 --> 00:00:57,656 Uh, you know how you never learned what lacrosse is? 20 00:00:57,658 --> 00:00:58,857 Yeah? 21 00:00:58,859 --> 00:00:59,858 Well, this is it. 22 00:00:59,860 --> 00:01:01,860 This is lacrosse. 23 00:01:04,531 --> 00:01:07,466 ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ 24 00:01:07,468 --> 00:01:10,869 ♪ I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪ 25 00:01:10,871 --> 00:01:13,872 ♪ The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪ 26 00:01:13,874 --> 00:01:18,544 ♪ And he's shinin' a salute to the American race ♪ 27 00:01:20,214 --> 00:01:23,748 ♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪ 28 00:01:23,750 --> 00:01:26,485 - ♪ Good... ♪ - ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ 29 00:01:26,487 --> 00:01:27,586 Aah! 30 00:01:28,489 --> 00:01:31,623 ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ 31 00:01:32,349 --> 00:01:34,426 So, every night after I'm asleep, 32 00:01:34,428 --> 00:01:36,428 you come down to the crawl space? 33 00:01:36,930 --> 00:01:38,863 I don't understand. 34 00:01:38,865 --> 00:01:41,265 A crawl space is an area between floors, 35 00:01:41,267 --> 00:01:43,401 where crawling is not just allowed, 36 00:01:43,403 --> 00:01:44,536 it's encouraged... 37 00:01:44,538 --> 00:01:46,338 I know what a crawl space is, Stan. 38 00:01:46,340 --> 00:01:47,739 Did you, though? 39 00:01:47,741 --> 00:01:50,274 I mean, why are you eating down here? 40 00:01:50,276 --> 00:01:53,144 Are you hiding from me? 41 00:01:53,146 --> 00:01:54,879 Just give it to me straight. 42 00:01:54,881 --> 00:01:56,748 We're still hungry 'cause your dinner stinks! 43 00:01:56,750 --> 00:01:57,682 - It sucks! - Whoa! 44 00:01:57,684 --> 00:01:58,750 - Easy! - Hey! 45 00:01:59,776 --> 00:02:01,686 Uh, we hate you. 46 00:02:01,688 --> 00:02:03,688 - You're a bad lady! - Jeff! 47 00:02:03,690 --> 00:02:04,889 Alright, that's it. 48 00:02:04,891 --> 00:02:06,157 Go to the dark part of the crawl space 49 00:02:06,159 --> 00:02:08,693 - for 10 minutes. - It's ridiculous. 50 00:02:08,695 --> 00:02:10,895 The dinner was bad? 51 00:02:10,897 --> 00:02:13,097 I followed the recipe to a "T." 52 00:02:13,099 --> 00:02:17,101 It was Certified "Yim Yam Yummo" by Rachael Ray herself! 53 00:02:17,103 --> 00:02:19,571 It's not that your cooking's bad... 54 00:02:19,573 --> 00:02:22,840 Gee, how do we put it gently, gang? 55 00:02:22,842 --> 00:02:25,043 - Your food is soulless. - Totally uninspired. 56 00:02:25,045 --> 00:02:27,178 - It's got no heart! - Oh. 57 00:02:27,180 --> 00:02:28,512 Sorry, Mom. 58 00:02:28,514 --> 00:02:29,781 It's poop food! 59 00:02:29,783 --> 00:02:31,383 Jeff! 20 minutes! 60 00:02:31,385 --> 00:02:33,051 Life is so unfair! 61 00:02:33,053 --> 00:02:35,787 Don't feel bad, Mom. Cooking's just not your thing. 62 00:02:35,789 --> 00:02:36,988 You can always join us here, 63 00:02:36,990 --> 00:02:38,456 for what we call "Cracker Hour." 64 00:02:38,458 --> 00:02:40,858 Oh, but it's so much more than crackers. 65 00:02:40,860 --> 00:02:43,327 There's cheeses, toasted Pringles, 66 00:02:43,329 --> 00:02:45,329 and sumptuous summer sausages. 67 00:02:45,331 --> 00:02:49,133 Hillshire Farms has put more love into this Li'l Smoky 68 00:02:49,135 --> 00:02:52,003 than in a thousand of your "dinners." 69 00:02:52,005 --> 00:02:54,005 I don't want to be bad at cooking. 70 00:02:54,007 --> 00:02:55,607 I want to be good at cooking. 71 00:02:55,609 --> 00:02:58,076 Why not do a cooking course at the Learning Annex? 72 00:02:58,078 --> 00:02:59,744 You tell them what you want to learn, 73 00:02:59,746 --> 00:03:02,747 they look it up on the Internet, and then they teach it to you. 74 00:03:02,749 --> 00:03:05,349 You know what? I will do that. 75 00:03:05,351 --> 00:03:08,152 Sorry I drove you guys underground. 76 00:03:08,154 --> 00:03:11,022 I scratched myself on a nail! 77 00:03:11,903 --> 00:03:13,758 Gotta watch out for those nails. 78 00:03:13,760 --> 00:03:16,027 Hold up... Do my eyes spy 79 00:03:16,029 --> 00:03:19,564 a Li'l Smoky in the dirt? 80 00:03:19,566 --> 00:03:22,100 - Dad, are you okay? - There's a nail in his head! 81 00:03:22,102 --> 00:03:24,035 - Why isn't he speaking? - Somebody do something! 82 00:03:24,037 --> 00:03:26,370 - This is literally the first time tonight... - Aw, Dad! He's so still! 83 00:03:26,372 --> 00:03:28,306 - ...I've reached for the Li'l Smokys and not bumped... - Blink if you can hear me! 84 00:03:28,308 --> 00:03:29,741 - ...into Stan's hand. - He's not blinking! He's so calm! 85 00:03:30,757 --> 00:03:32,844 _ 86 00:03:32,846 --> 00:03:34,111 Don't worry. 87 00:03:34,113 --> 00:03:35,713 Stan's walking around and everything, 88 00:03:35,715 --> 00:03:37,248 but he hasn't said a word, 89 00:03:37,250 --> 00:03:39,985 so you know that nail's touching something important. 90 00:03:39,987 --> 00:03:42,119 You want to talk about touching a nerve... 91 00:03:42,121 --> 00:03:45,723 You guys not liking my cooking has really rattled me. 92 00:03:45,725 --> 00:03:49,460 Yes, yes it is me. Miss Nadine. 93 00:03:49,462 --> 00:03:51,262 Yeah, Nadine! 94 00:03:51,264 --> 00:03:54,599 Today, we're making a classic spaghetti and meatballs. 95 00:03:54,601 --> 00:03:56,868 Every step is on these recipe cards, 96 00:03:56,870 --> 00:03:58,269 except for one... 97 00:03:58,271 --> 00:03:59,470 Enjoy yourself! 98 00:03:59,472 --> 00:04:01,939 I'll just follow the steps on the card, 99 00:04:01,941 --> 00:04:03,675 if that's okay with you. 100 00:04:03,677 --> 00:04:06,477 Oh, man, that babe Danuta's here! 101 00:04:06,479 --> 00:04:09,214 I'm gonna make a cool face while I chop my onion. 102 00:04:10,950 --> 00:04:14,285 Is she looking? Is this face cool? 103 00:04:14,287 --> 00:04:17,288 Hmm. My cup has a dent in it. 104 00:04:17,290 --> 00:04:19,290 Won't be accurate. 105 00:04:19,292 --> 00:04:21,626 I'll have to use 48 teaspoons. 106 00:04:23,296 --> 00:04:26,698 Ms. Nadine! Dick's not measuring his salt. 107 00:04:26,700 --> 00:04:28,833 Oh. Well, that's fine. 108 00:04:28,835 --> 00:04:30,968 He just squeezed a lemon in there. 109 00:04:30,970 --> 00:04:32,370 That's not in the recipe. 110 00:04:32,372 --> 00:04:34,239 Your back was turned and he squeezed it! 111 00:04:34,241 --> 00:04:36,241 - I saw! - I thought a hit of lemon 112 00:04:36,243 --> 00:04:38,443 would brighten up the marinara. 113 00:04:39,667 --> 00:04:40,845 Mmm. 114 00:04:40,847 --> 00:04:42,313 Ooh. That's a nice change, Dick. 115 00:04:42,315 --> 00:04:45,851 There's no lemon anywhere in this recipe. 116 00:04:45,853 --> 00:04:48,586 Has the whole world gone crazy? 117 00:04:48,588 --> 00:04:50,722 Danuta... 118 00:04:50,724 --> 00:04:54,659 Look at me, Danuta. 119 00:04:54,661 --> 00:04:57,528 _ 120 00:04:57,530 --> 00:05:00,531 The nail has only pierced his speech centers. 121 00:05:00,533 --> 00:05:03,334 I can yank it out with my Leatherman, no problem, 122 00:05:03,336 --> 00:05:06,003 but not until the brain swelling goes down. 123 00:05:06,005 --> 00:05:08,673 Bigger question... Would you be willing 124 00:05:08,675 --> 00:05:10,608 to let me have the brain? 125 00:05:10,610 --> 00:05:13,344 Keep in mind, I'd replace it with a bag of sand 126 00:05:13,346 --> 00:05:16,281 so his overall weight would not change... 127 00:05:16,283 --> 00:05:19,617 No. How long will it take the swelling to go down? 128 00:05:20,318 --> 00:05:22,019 One week. 129 00:05:22,021 --> 00:05:25,290 I'll put this tiny safety cone on it for now, 130 00:05:25,292 --> 00:05:29,094 but as your physician, I must advise that you, 131 00:05:29,096 --> 00:05:34,231 as soon as possible, get him a fun new hat. 132 00:05:34,233 --> 00:05:36,701 It's a Bugle snack. 133 00:05:36,703 --> 00:05:38,369 Mm. It's delicious. 134 00:05:38,371 --> 00:05:41,439 Hooraaaaay! 135 00:05:43,242 --> 00:05:46,444 Mmm. I know I keep saying this, 136 00:05:46,446 --> 00:05:48,980 but, to quote Dom DeLuise's tombstone, 137 00:05:48,982 --> 00:05:52,717 great meatball. 138 00:05:53,482 --> 00:05:55,787 And... what is this? 139 00:05:55,789 --> 00:05:57,388 It's also a meatball. 140 00:05:57,390 --> 00:05:58,656 Oh. 141 00:05:58,658 --> 00:05:59,724 It's good. 142 00:05:59,726 --> 00:06:01,793 Hey! Tell me the truth. 143 00:06:01,795 --> 00:06:04,395 - I can take it. - Okay. 144 00:06:04,397 --> 00:06:05,863 It's a little bland. 145 00:06:07,134 --> 00:06:09,266 It was your recipe! 146 00:06:09,268 --> 00:06:11,336 And I followed it to the letter! 147 00:06:11,338 --> 00:06:14,205 I want a 40% refund! 148 00:06:14,207 --> 00:06:16,073 Get her out of here! 149 00:06:17,034 --> 00:06:19,010 Let me tell you something. 150 00:06:19,012 --> 00:06:20,878 Oh, yeah? What? 151 00:06:20,880 --> 00:06:24,215 This whole Annex is gonna burn, 152 00:06:24,217 --> 00:06:26,684 and you're gonna be in it. 153 00:06:26,686 --> 00:06:28,419 You can't burn brick, bitch! 154 00:06:28,421 --> 00:06:31,356 Oh, I'll find a fire hot enough. 155 00:06:31,358 --> 00:06:34,025 You're gonna pop like popcorn. 156 00:06:34,027 --> 00:06:36,962 Pop! Pop-pop-pop-pop-pop! 157 00:06:40,033 --> 00:06:41,699 Now it's time for a new segment 158 00:06:41,701 --> 00:06:43,368 that I'm really excited about... 159 00:06:43,370 --> 00:06:46,303 - So [BLEEP] excited. - ...where I travel the globe 160 00:06:46,305 --> 00:06:48,173 interviewing famous chefs. 161 00:06:48,175 --> 00:06:51,042 Here's me with Patagonian super chef, 162 00:06:51,044 --> 00:06:52,910 Francis Mallmann. 163 00:06:52,912 --> 00:06:54,512 Super chef? 164 00:06:54,514 --> 00:06:57,849 As I say in my book, "The Seven Fires," 165 00:06:57,851 --> 00:06:59,317 the problem with the home cook 166 00:06:59,319 --> 00:07:01,987 is that they are enslaved by the recipes, 167 00:07:01,989 --> 00:07:04,656 by their electric stoves. 168 00:07:04,658 --> 00:07:06,457 In the outdoors, where I cook, 169 00:07:06,459 --> 00:07:09,126 man is returned to what is essential. 170 00:07:09,128 --> 00:07:10,795 The fire Promethean. 171 00:07:10,797 --> 00:07:13,298 It's all in my book, "The Seven Fires." 172 00:07:15,402 --> 00:07:19,537 Well, the results are in. Slap bracelets are back. 173 00:07:19,539 --> 00:07:20,738 What the hell?! 174 00:07:20,740 --> 00:07:22,340 Damn thing made me look like an idiot. 175 00:07:22,342 --> 00:07:24,542 Wow, you're reading Francis Mallmann? 176 00:07:24,544 --> 00:07:28,079 Yeah, but his cooking is all about trusting your instincts, 177 00:07:28,081 --> 00:07:30,015 and I don't know if I have those. 178 00:07:30,017 --> 00:07:32,083 What if you could learn instincts 179 00:07:32,085 --> 00:07:34,151 from someone like Francis Mallmann? 180 00:07:34,153 --> 00:07:35,753 Oh, my God. Do you know him? 181 00:07:35,755 --> 00:07:38,556 Yes, but we're estranged. I said someone like him. 182 00:07:38,558 --> 00:07:40,758 I have a persona that borrows heavily 183 00:07:40,760 --> 00:07:42,560 from Francis... duplicates him really, 184 00:07:42,562 --> 00:07:43,961 probably the source of the rift... 185 00:07:43,963 --> 00:07:45,630 and I do know that persona. 186 00:07:45,632 --> 00:07:47,965 Would you be willing to go all the way to Patagonia 187 00:07:47,967 --> 00:07:49,034 to learn how to cook? 188 00:07:49,036 --> 00:07:52,370 Roger, I'd go to freakin' L.L. Bean 189 00:07:52,372 --> 00:07:54,171 if it helped me be a better cook. 190 00:07:54,173 --> 00:07:55,707 Ha! That's hilarious. 191 00:07:55,709 --> 00:08:00,478 Although maybe you aren't being hilarious. 192 00:08:00,479 --> 00:08:01,879 _ 193 00:08:01,915 --> 00:08:03,848 Now, Francine, when we get there, 194 00:08:03,850 --> 00:08:05,250 this guy's gonna be me. 195 00:08:05,252 --> 00:08:06,451 I want to be clear about that. 196 00:08:06,453 --> 00:08:08,786 This persona and I are different, 197 00:08:08,788 --> 00:08:09,987 but I am him. 198 00:08:09,989 --> 00:08:11,589 I can imagine how jarring it is 199 00:08:11,591 --> 00:08:13,791 to find me around every corner in your life, 200 00:08:13,793 --> 00:08:15,927 and I want this to be a smoother deal for you. 201 00:08:17,330 --> 00:08:18,796 This is it, right? 202 00:08:18,798 --> 00:08:21,332 I'm about to look over, and he'll be there, 203 00:08:21,334 --> 00:08:23,334 - and you'll be gone. - Yeah. 204 00:08:23,336 --> 00:08:25,537 You know, I don't usually get to say goodbye. 205 00:08:25,539 --> 00:08:28,740 Well, thanks for flying down with me. 206 00:08:28,742 --> 00:08:31,609 Even if you had to come anyway to be the guy. 207 00:08:31,611 --> 00:08:32,810 Thanks. 208 00:08:32,812 --> 00:08:36,882 I'm Frenchus Mallmank, not Francis Mallmann, 209 00:08:36,884 --> 00:08:38,149 and I'm gonna challenge 210 00:08:38,151 --> 00:08:40,351 everything you know about cooking. 211 00:08:41,621 --> 00:08:43,088 Goodbye! 212 00:08:43,541 --> 00:08:44,622 Alright. 213 00:08:44,624 --> 00:08:47,325 That's enough turning around. 214 00:08:51,498 --> 00:08:53,298 Frenchus Mallmank 215 00:08:53,300 --> 00:08:55,900 rejected the pathway of fine French cuisine, 216 00:08:55,902 --> 00:09:00,171 and dedicated himself to powerful, primitive cooking. 217 00:09:00,173 --> 00:09:02,307 On his island in Patagonia, 218 00:09:02,309 --> 00:09:04,309 with his dedicated students, 219 00:09:04,311 --> 00:09:06,444 he makes incredible meals 220 00:09:06,446 --> 00:09:09,514 using little more than fire and salt... 221 00:09:09,516 --> 00:09:13,318 and the world has taken notice. 222 00:09:13,320 --> 00:09:15,786 Would you shut up! 223 00:09:15,788 --> 00:09:18,189 Why are you narrating everything? 224 00:09:18,191 --> 00:09:20,191 And the narrator withdrew, 225 00:09:20,193 --> 00:09:23,127 shutting himself off from human connection... 226 00:09:23,129 --> 00:09:24,929 Good! I think that's good. 227 00:09:24,931 --> 00:09:25,997 There. 228 00:09:25,999 --> 00:09:28,266 That is how you build... 229 00:09:28,268 --> 00:09:30,601 the Eight Fires. 230 00:09:33,674 --> 00:09:36,607 Yes. One more than Francis. 231 00:09:36,609 --> 00:09:38,409 Now I'll teach my techniques, 232 00:09:38,411 --> 00:09:40,545 all leading up to a grand feast. 233 00:09:40,547 --> 00:09:43,548 I will try each of your dishes, finishing many of them, 234 00:09:43,550 --> 00:09:45,283 and see how much you learned. 235 00:09:45,285 --> 00:09:46,751 Lesson one! 236 00:09:46,753 --> 00:09:48,353 I'm sealing this fish 237 00:09:48,355 --> 00:09:51,089 in the rich cream mud that is here by my feet. 238 00:09:51,091 --> 00:09:52,691 When I cook this in the fire, 239 00:09:52,693 --> 00:09:54,959 the mud will hold in the moisture. 240 00:09:54,961 --> 00:09:57,828 It will also muffle the small screams of the fish... 241 00:09:57,830 --> 00:09:59,430 ...as it suffers and dies. 242 00:09:59,432 --> 00:10:02,233 Oh! How many cups of mud is that? 243 00:10:02,235 --> 00:10:04,903 You have long fingers, and it looks like a lot. 244 00:10:04,905 --> 00:10:06,505 No cups! No recipes! 245 00:10:06,507 --> 00:10:11,442 Cooking is about being free and alive. 246 00:10:11,444 --> 00:10:13,111 No! 247 00:10:13,113 --> 00:10:15,714 Eh? You like my trebuchet? 248 00:10:15,716 --> 00:10:17,115 _ 249 00:10:17,789 --> 00:10:21,252 Alright. Let's find Dad a hat to cover up that nail. 250 00:10:22,589 --> 00:10:24,389 You like the piano, Dad? 251 00:10:24,391 --> 00:10:27,258 You can wait here while we shop for hats, 252 00:10:27,260 --> 00:10:29,460 and I won't have to look at the nail. 253 00:10:29,462 --> 00:10:32,197 Hey, look who it is! 254 00:10:36,002 --> 00:10:37,468 10 minute break. 255 00:10:37,470 --> 00:10:41,173 Just enough time for a cigarette and a tuna-fish sandwich. 256 00:10:47,948 --> 00:10:48,947 Whoa, whoa, whoa. 257 00:10:48,949 --> 00:10:51,282 I am the manager of this Nordstrom, 258 00:10:51,284 --> 00:10:54,285 and that is simply gorgeous playing. 259 00:10:54,287 --> 00:10:55,286 You're hired. 260 00:10:55,288 --> 00:10:56,888 And you're fired. 261 00:10:56,890 --> 00:11:00,358 Does Dick's Sporting Goods have piano players? 262 00:11:00,360 --> 00:11:01,760 Dad can't play piano. 263 00:11:01,762 --> 00:11:04,563 It's the nail. It's unlocking him. 264 00:11:04,565 --> 00:11:08,499 My nail gives me the power to know all domestic flight times 265 00:11:08,501 --> 00:11:11,302 within the United States. 266 00:11:11,304 --> 00:11:15,840 United 12 leaves Dulles for O'Hare in 30 minutes. 267 00:11:15,842 --> 00:11:18,909 No. Not even close. 268 00:11:23,049 --> 00:11:25,450 Come, my acolytes. Taste. 269 00:11:25,452 --> 00:11:27,518 You just got a bunch of dirt in it. 270 00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:30,521 That's earth, and earth is flavor and passion. 271 00:11:30,523 --> 00:11:33,658 Think of how many people had sex on this earth. 272 00:11:33,660 --> 00:11:35,526 And on earth! 273 00:11:35,528 --> 00:11:37,528 I found a little piece that's clean. 274 00:11:37,530 --> 00:11:39,330 A little dirt for ya! 275 00:11:39,332 --> 00:11:41,332 To cook meat over flame, 276 00:11:41,334 --> 00:11:43,001 to me, I believe truly... 277 00:11:43,003 --> 00:11:45,604 Can't find the neck hole in this poncho. There it is. 278 00:11:45,606 --> 00:11:48,406 The best technique is spatchcocking. 279 00:11:48,408 --> 00:11:49,674 I've done that. 280 00:11:49,676 --> 00:11:51,610 It's when you intentionally graze 281 00:11:51,612 --> 00:11:53,744 someone's penis with your backpack. 282 00:11:53,746 --> 00:11:56,948 Spatchcocking is when you flatten an animal's ribcage 283 00:11:56,950 --> 00:11:58,549 so that it cooks more evenly. 284 00:11:58,551 --> 00:12:00,685 I'll show you. 285 00:12:00,687 --> 00:12:04,555 It's all about finding just the right point of pressure, 286 00:12:04,557 --> 00:12:07,091 feeling it, making that connection, 287 00:12:07,093 --> 00:12:09,360 and then spatchcock! 288 00:12:09,362 --> 00:12:11,162 This works with any meat. 289 00:12:11,164 --> 00:12:13,231 Wild hare... 290 00:12:13,233 --> 00:12:15,967 river otter... 291 00:12:15,969 --> 00:12:17,702 two chickens. 292 00:12:17,704 --> 00:12:19,638 Usually, you want to prep it, get the guts out, 293 00:12:19,640 --> 00:12:21,372 but I was just feeling it too hard. 294 00:12:21,374 --> 00:12:22,641 Had to do a live spatchcock. 295 00:12:22,643 --> 00:12:25,644 So it goes. Eight fires, etcetera, etcetera. 296 00:12:25,646 --> 00:12:28,112 With food, you need a little wine. 297 00:12:28,114 --> 00:12:30,448 This, to me, is a little wine. 298 00:12:30,450 --> 00:12:33,117 This is the largest size bottle of wine 299 00:12:33,119 --> 00:12:34,585 that isn't legally a vat. 300 00:12:34,587 --> 00:12:36,387 It is called... a nebuchadnezzar. 301 00:12:36,389 --> 00:12:39,524 I drink four of these a day, just like Charlemagne did, 302 00:12:39,526 --> 00:12:40,925 and I'll outlive you all. 303 00:12:40,927 --> 00:12:43,394 What is it the poets say about wine? 304 00:12:45,798 --> 00:12:47,866 What? Did you say something? 305 00:12:47,868 --> 00:12:49,000 Was I still going? 306 00:12:49,002 --> 00:12:50,268 Well, you're a fool 307 00:12:50,270 --> 00:12:54,406 if you don't savor your nebuchadnezzars. 308 00:12:56,677 --> 00:12:59,010 I can't tell if it's done. 309 00:12:59,012 --> 00:13:02,080 Maybe I should check real quick. 310 00:13:02,082 --> 00:13:03,414 It's ruined. 311 00:13:03,416 --> 00:13:06,084 The precious juice has been drained. 312 00:13:06,086 --> 00:13:09,754 Taste yours. 313 00:13:09,756 --> 00:13:12,290 Now try mine. 314 00:13:12,292 --> 00:13:13,491 Mmm. 315 00:13:13,493 --> 00:13:15,360 It's so good. 316 00:13:15,362 --> 00:13:16,827 You're resisting my lessons. 317 00:13:16,829 --> 00:13:19,030 I hope you can show me something at the big feast. 318 00:13:19,032 --> 00:13:21,499 Now, if you excuse me, I must slumber 319 00:13:21,501 --> 00:13:23,502 and dream of spatchcocking T-rexes 320 00:13:23,504 --> 00:13:26,371 with my childhood friend, Jean-Baptiste. 321 00:13:29,957 --> 00:13:31,642 Business has never been better, 322 00:13:31,644 --> 00:13:33,244 and it's all thanks to you! 323 00:13:33,246 --> 00:13:37,582 Sales figures correspond 100% with your piano playing! 324 00:13:37,584 --> 00:13:39,250 I don't want any of this stuff. 325 00:13:40,721 --> 00:13:43,388 I'm buying 10 winter coats! 326 00:13:44,591 --> 00:13:46,124 You hooked another one, Nailhead! 327 00:13:46,126 --> 00:13:48,793 And you know how big the margins are on coats. 328 00:13:49,892 --> 00:13:53,732 Oh, oh! By the way, I got a call from corporate earlier. 329 00:13:53,734 --> 00:13:56,667 They're considering turning the Langley Falls location 330 00:13:56,669 --> 00:13:59,203 into the new flagship... 331 00:14:00,807 --> 00:14:01,940 Yes. 332 00:14:01,942 --> 00:14:03,608 Flagship. 333 00:14:03,610 --> 00:14:06,745 That's what all this has been about. 334 00:14:06,747 --> 00:14:08,747 Now, play me to the break room, 335 00:14:08,749 --> 00:14:12,683 this time in the style of a silent-movie villain. 336 00:14:22,295 --> 00:14:26,965 Javier, your Potatoes Three Ways is delicious, inspired. 337 00:14:26,967 --> 00:14:29,167 What would you say to another three-ways 338 00:14:29,169 --> 00:14:31,102 - in my big fur bed? - No. 339 00:14:31,104 --> 00:14:35,239 You deny me? My passion grows like a bonfire! 340 00:14:35,241 --> 00:14:36,507 Anywho, moving on. 341 00:14:36,509 --> 00:14:38,443 I was having a tough time at first, 342 00:14:38,445 --> 00:14:42,380 but I think I finally cooked from... here. 343 00:14:42,382 --> 00:14:44,349 Promising. 344 00:14:49,122 --> 00:14:50,321 Where are they? 345 00:14:50,323 --> 00:14:51,722 Where are what? 346 00:14:51,724 --> 00:14:54,259 The measuring cups that you used to make this! 347 00:14:54,261 --> 00:14:55,860 You're right! 348 00:14:55,862 --> 00:14:57,528 I cheated. 349 00:14:57,530 --> 00:14:59,464 I've been doing so terribly. 350 00:14:59,466 --> 00:15:01,874 Oh, why can't I understand how to cook?! 351 00:15:01,909 --> 00:15:03,001 Who cares about that?! 352 00:15:03,003 --> 00:15:05,604 I launched those measuring cups all the way to Bear Island. 353 00:15:05,606 --> 00:15:07,872 If you went there, it's possible "they" 354 00:15:07,874 --> 00:15:09,674 followed your scent back here. 355 00:15:09,676 --> 00:15:10,706 Who? 356 00:15:12,813 --> 00:15:16,214 Acolytes, fly me to safety! 357 00:15:16,216 --> 00:15:18,683 We'll tell the world your story! 358 00:15:18,685 --> 00:15:21,620 But I already told the world my story. 359 00:15:23,624 --> 00:15:25,356 Roger, what do we do? 360 00:15:25,358 --> 00:15:27,892 Stand perfectly still and don't make a sound. 361 00:15:30,497 --> 00:15:32,178 Yes, it's me. 362 00:15:45,712 --> 00:15:48,446 That damn bear spatchcocked me. 363 00:15:48,448 --> 00:15:50,781 I wish I wasn't here right now. 364 00:15:50,783 --> 00:15:54,419 I wish I was in a restaurant. 365 00:15:58,058 --> 00:15:59,924 Roger! Are you okay? 366 00:15:59,926 --> 00:16:02,326 They told me Bear Island would be a problem 367 00:16:02,328 --> 00:16:03,395 when I bought this place. 368 00:16:03,397 --> 00:16:05,529 "Leave the bears to me," I said. 369 00:16:05,531 --> 00:16:07,799 What did I even mean? I didn't have a plan. 370 00:16:07,801 --> 00:16:09,200 This is all my fault. 371 00:16:09,202 --> 00:16:10,668 It's not your fault. 372 00:16:10,670 --> 00:16:12,804 You weren't there when I bought the island. 373 00:16:12,806 --> 00:16:14,272 I mean, if I hadn't cheated, 374 00:16:14,274 --> 00:16:16,540 the bears never would have come here. 375 00:16:16,542 --> 00:16:18,410 You killed me. 376 00:16:18,412 --> 00:16:20,612 Let's see how badly you're hurt. 377 00:16:20,614 --> 00:16:22,013 What's the damage? 378 00:16:22,015 --> 00:16:24,616 Will I ever be able to rollerblade again? 379 00:16:24,618 --> 00:16:27,419 Oh. That bear really got you. 380 00:16:27,421 --> 00:16:29,221 We need to get you off this island, 381 00:16:29,223 --> 00:16:30,688 but the boat is gone. 382 00:16:30,690 --> 00:16:33,024 There's a backup boat on the other side of the island. 383 00:16:33,026 --> 00:16:34,558 Oh, my God! 384 00:16:34,560 --> 00:16:36,494 Wait, why do you have a backup boat? 385 00:16:36,496 --> 00:16:39,831 You should be asking, why do I have three boats. 386 00:16:39,833 --> 00:16:44,436 Because I used to, but then I ended up selling one. 387 00:16:44,717 --> 00:16:49,641 Ow. Ow. Ow. 388 00:16:49,643 --> 00:16:51,976 Wait! My nebuchadnezzars! 389 00:16:52,455 --> 00:16:55,179 Ow. Ow. 390 00:16:55,181 --> 00:16:56,915 Wait, my gaucho hat! 391 00:16:58,318 --> 00:17:02,053 You know, Francine, I think I'm ready to die. 392 00:17:02,055 --> 00:17:05,056 There's just one last thing I want to do... 393 00:17:05,058 --> 00:17:07,058 drink a live-forever potion. 394 00:17:07,060 --> 00:17:10,462 You're not gonna die. We've reached the boat. 395 00:17:10,464 --> 00:17:12,063 Wait. There's somebody in it. 396 00:17:12,065 --> 00:17:14,799 Oh, no. It's Francis Mallmann. 397 00:17:14,801 --> 00:17:17,669 You stole my identity, Frenchus Mallmank, 398 00:17:17,671 --> 00:17:21,406 and now I steal your boat! 399 00:17:28,214 --> 00:17:30,682 Money! Oh, money! Oh, money! 400 00:17:31,142 --> 00:17:32,550 We're rich! 401 00:17:32,552 --> 00:17:35,086 This branch of Nordstrom is rich! 402 00:17:35,088 --> 00:17:37,689 - Oh, no. The family. - It's been a week. 403 00:17:37,691 --> 00:17:39,291 We have to take the nail out now. 404 00:17:39,293 --> 00:17:42,494 - Otherwise, he'll die, right, Dr. Kalgary? - Sounds right. 405 00:17:42,496 --> 00:17:45,429 Then you must take it out. 406 00:17:45,431 --> 00:17:47,431 I'd never want Nailhead to die. 407 00:17:47,433 --> 00:17:48,766 Because, you see, 408 00:17:48,768 --> 00:17:50,969 it wasn't about the money or the coat sales... 409 00:17:50,971 --> 00:17:53,037 the highest in the tri-county area. 410 00:17:53,039 --> 00:17:55,307 It was about the music. 411 00:17:55,309 --> 00:18:00,244 So before you remove the nail, could I hear just one last song? 412 00:18:00,246 --> 00:18:03,315 Dad! One more song! 413 00:18:06,119 --> 00:18:08,586 No boats. No food. 414 00:18:08,588 --> 00:18:10,654 We're both gonna starve here. 415 00:18:10,656 --> 00:18:12,190 I'm surprised I made it this far 416 00:18:12,192 --> 00:18:15,660 with the amount of glass I've been drinking. 417 00:18:15,662 --> 00:18:17,529 Before we die, 418 00:18:17,531 --> 00:18:20,198 why did you cheat with the measuring cups? 419 00:18:20,200 --> 00:18:22,066 I didn't want to mess up, I guess. 420 00:18:22,068 --> 00:18:25,003 What would it mean if you messed up? 421 00:18:25,005 --> 00:18:26,938 That there was something wrong 422 00:18:26,940 --> 00:18:29,140 with the measurements or the recipe. 423 00:18:29,142 --> 00:18:32,544 And what if you messed up without a recipe? 424 00:18:32,546 --> 00:18:34,012 What if it was just you, 425 00:18:34,014 --> 00:18:36,414 cooking, making your own decisions? 426 00:18:36,416 --> 00:18:39,817 It'd mean that there was something wrong with me, 427 00:18:39,819 --> 00:18:41,485 that I was the failure. 428 00:18:41,487 --> 00:18:45,623 And that's what therapists call a babababingo. 429 00:18:47,627 --> 00:18:50,494 Roger, this leg is starting to turn. 430 00:18:50,496 --> 00:18:52,364 I think I should cut it off. 431 00:18:52,366 --> 00:18:56,434 If you're gonna cut off my leg, you need to cook it. 432 00:18:56,436 --> 00:18:57,969 Roger, that's crazy! 433 00:18:57,971 --> 00:19:00,172 It'll keep me from dying of blood poisoning 434 00:19:00,174 --> 00:19:02,707 and give us both something to eat. 435 00:19:02,709 --> 00:19:04,108 Oh, I don't know. 436 00:19:04,110 --> 00:19:06,310 There is no recipe for cooking my leg, 437 00:19:06,312 --> 00:19:07,579 no safety net. 438 00:19:07,581 --> 00:19:11,315 Show me who you are and feed me me. 439 00:19:41,215 --> 00:19:42,414 I had a lemon. 440 00:19:59,699 --> 00:20:01,499 It's delicious, Franny. 441 00:20:08,642 --> 00:20:10,775 Hey, I'm back, baby. 442 00:20:10,777 --> 00:20:13,511 No! Put it back in! Put it back in! 443 00:20:18,785 --> 00:20:21,986 Don't worry! I'll make you a monster! 444 00:20:21,988 --> 00:20:24,255 Billy, get the van! 445 00:20:25,317 --> 00:20:28,793 Ah, it feels good to have conquered this. 446 00:20:28,795 --> 00:20:30,862 I was letting my fear of failing 447 00:20:30,864 --> 00:20:32,864 make me a boring cook. 448 00:20:35,869 --> 00:20:37,669 No! Don't fight them. 449 00:20:38,444 --> 00:20:40,272 Feed them. 450 00:20:41,808 --> 00:20:43,808 Hey, it's Francis. 451 00:20:43,810 --> 00:20:45,477 The smell of your soulful cooking 452 00:20:45,479 --> 00:20:47,145 lured him back, Francine. 453 00:20:47,147 --> 00:20:50,414 And I've hit my goal weight. 454 00:20:51,343 --> 00:20:53,751 Roger, your body's gonna grow back, right? 455 00:20:53,753 --> 00:20:55,753 It always has before. 456 00:20:55,755 --> 00:20:58,490 Oh, God! What if it doesn't?! 457 00:20:58,492 --> 00:21:00,692 Have a good night! 458 00:21:02,108 --> 00:21:04,161 - synced and corrected by sot26 - www.addic7ed.com