Today's your day.
Do you have it?
Of course I have it.
Francine, I don't have it!
- You left it? - I need it.
- I'm on it. - Ten minutes or I'm dead.
Smith, let's go.
Should we stop her?
No way. She's fabulous.
What the hell are you doing?
It's my day to bring the snack, and I didn't forget.
Beef sticks and peanut butter bars for everyone.
Stan! Stan!
Stan!
Oh, no. Oh, God.
Can we go... Can this thing go back in time?
♪ Good morning, USA ♪
♪ I got a feeling That it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
♪ The sun in the sky Has a smile on his face ♪
♪ And he's shining a salute To the American race ♪
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
♪ Good morning, USA ♪
Francine, it's wonderful to see you alive.
I understand you suffered a very traumatic head injury.
Yeah, the doctors said they'd never seen a skull fractured in so many pieces.
And now look at her. Perfect skull.
Catacomb-worthy.
If they were a pile of skulls in a catacomb,
my baby's would be top of the pile.
The crowning skull. Mwah.
It was a lucky break as far as cracked skulls go.
Big pieces, mostly.
They think they've found almost all of them.
- I'm better now. - Better?
Uh, more like the best! Woman in the world, that is.
Heart of gold. Strongest body. Coolest brain. Nice feet.
Even better ideas.
I'm glad that we're having a little check-in.
Accidents like this can sometimes take a toll on a marriage.
There might be buried resentment,
- secret guilt-- - I'm gonna stop you right there.
First of all, we don't think of it as an accident.
We think of it as an opportunity for growth.
We're as rock solid as Francine's new skull.
Francine, are you also feeling as positively
about the marriage?
I do, yeah.
And in the spirit of that, there is something I need to share.
John Mayer is trying to communicate with me
- through the radio. - Say what?
The musician?
He created a satellite radio station in an attempt to reach me
because he doesn't have my phone number.
Mmm, okay.
I'm trying to understand.
What's so hard to understand?
John Mayer is obsessed with me.
But, Stan, it's a one-way obsession.
His way. Toward me. So don't worry.
Why would I be worried?
I know what you're thinking.
But no, it's not just John Mayer songs all the time.
It's John Mayer songs sometimes.
But mostly he puts together playlists and talks, a lot.
So it's just like a normal radio station,
except John Mayer is talking directly to me,
and all the songs he plays are messages for me.
Now I get it.
That's, uh, a lot on your plate.
It is, yeah.
Francine, would you say that this communication from John Mayer
started after the traumatic head injury caused by your accident?
Wow. I know what you're getting at.
And no, many years ago,
John Mayer and I met briefly in a Bed Bath and Beyond.
Chime in here, Stan!
How dare you imply my wife's fantasy is a result of her accident.
John Whatever could be trying to reach out to her
through his radio station.
Not fantasy, not could be, Stan.
- It's what's happening. - I know. It's so obvious.
I'm concerned and I'd love to keep talking.
No, I'm done talking.
I'm walking.
Stan, are you hesitant to admit that something is wrong
because you feel responsible for it?
Duh! I mean, no. What?
This is my private cell.
It's extremely important that you call me if this escalates.
If what escalates? Her recovery speed?
The amount I'm not responsible for anything?
Get a life.
You know, I don't like that Dr. Fay.
She doesn't get it, she doesn't get us.
Yeah. I just want to forget every single thing
that happened before this moment, don't you?
Well, no. I'm too upset.
And so am I.
I can't believe she implied there is something wrong with my brain.
I've seen your brains, so I know how good they are.
Do you want to hear it?
Which? What? Something good or bad?
John Mayer. The radio station.
Or will it make you too upset?
Oh, I can handle it.
You're unique, and I know what kind of music you like.
It's called "good music."
So here's "I would Do Anything for Love" by Meat Loaf.
- You see? - I do.
But connect the dots in case I'm, like, a total idiot.
He would "do anything for love."
Like create a radio station to talk to me.
Plus, I can eat so much meatloaf, and he must know that on some level.
Wow. Yeah, he's a sicko.
I wish this would stop.
Let's make it stop!
Let's turn it off and never think or talk about it again.
Take my finger.
We'll push that button together.
Okay.
You've done nothing wrong, I've done nothing wrong,
and anyway, it's all in the past.
The John Mayer thing, the accident, the Stone Age, all in the past.
Anyone want to go to the arboretum on Sunday?
It's not in the past! It's happening now.
It's still out there.
Bed time everyone, go to your rooms.
You can't just turn it off.
- Why not? - Because it's in the waves,
and the waves are in the air,
and the air is all around me and my family.
She's absolutely right. But what about?
This is life with John Mayer
and that was Michael Bolton's, "How Can We Be Lovers."
Yeesh, you gonna let him talk to her like that?
I'll be recording live from the Win Hotel
in Las Vegas all week.
So, if you're around, please stop by and say hello.
I'd love to see you.
He just invited me to meet up at a hotel.
He's shameless!
Stan, we're going to Las Vegas to confront him.
This is a clear escalation.
On his end. Toward me.
We are going to find John Mayer,
and I'm gonna tell him to just knock it off.
Right behind you.
Mom is unwell. Her brain is broke.
You should not indulge this
because you feel guilty about her accident.
Her opportunity.
Plus, shut up, and I don't.
Dad, are you really gonna take her to Vegas,
or are you gonna admit that something might be seriously wrong with Mom?
Vegas! Woo-hoo! Yeah!
Vegas, baby!
We'll see some shows, have nice dinners--
Ooh, there's an M&M store.
Okay, but first, we're gonna confront John Mayer.
Oh, we're still doing that? Great.
You seem nervous, Stan.
- And I totally understand why. - You do?
Of course!
But you're forgetting that he invited me.
I had forgotten that, and now I'm feeling more at ease.
This is fun. And speaking of, why are we driving to Vegas from Virginia?
I'm thinking we could still fly,
if people wanted that.
I don't like paper trails, Stan.
So smart. And... And this might be so dumb,
but are we ever gonna stop to rest?
No need. I have so much energy.
Plus, I popped in an old catheter
from when I was in the hospital for all those months.
The hospital, yes.
Where you got all the way better.
And look at this bounty.
Lotta snacks, nice. Hand sanitizer, awesome.
Zip ties...
Francine, what are the zip ties for?
For whoever needs them.
Well, the car is saying it needs gas.
"Let's get some gas. Are zip ties an escalation?"
That's... That's just the car wondering.
- Hello? - Yes, you called?
- Stan? - Dr. Fay!
To what do I owe this occasion?
Stan, you called me. How is Francine doing?
Good kicks, good chops.
While I have you, we are 18 sleepless hours
outside of Vegas, en route to confront John Mayer
in some fashion I don't totally understand.
What do you think about that? If anything.
Stan, you need to turn around immediately.
You cannot let her get near John Mayer.
He is an object of her psychosis, and something bad could happen.
She needs to be checked into a hospital.
She needs to be checked into a hotel!
With a world class spa and a sexy pool scene.
Stan, no.
Now that I hear you, you're being very dramatic.
You're like that gringo who did my MRI,
seeing problems where there ain't.
I'm about to board a flight. Please, Stan.
Please stop calling me.
Ooh, shiny!
Let's go find him.
Uh, we need a room first, and I need to freshen up.
I can't wait on a long line,
I'm here on important business.
I couldn't help but hear you are on important business,
and I couldn't help but notice that you are fabulous.
This line is not for you. Come, come.
What kind of room are we thinking?
- Whatever. Something fast. - Okay.
She's coy, she's humble.
She's negging me a little, I'm living for it.
Where is John Mayer?
Oh, big fan.
Yes, he is.
He's recording his satellite radio show live from the hotel all week.
I know. Where.
Bitch, I'll tell you.
So, there's actually a recording booth on the casino floor.
Why is John Mayer not in the booth?
He moved to a different location,
but he's still broadcasting live.
Please don't talk to me like I'm some weirdo nobody, okay?
He invited me here.
John Mayer created this radio station to talk to me!
Stan, oh, my God,
I'm so embarrassed...
For these women.
They think John Mayer is talking to them through the radio.
I'm gonna go see what's up.
Just tell me where he's broadcasting from.
I'm not gonna hurt him, I just want to hold him... Down!
That's my wife.
I'm having a hard time facing the reality that she's suffering from a deep psychosis
I can't help her out of.
- Same for you? - Uh, no.
Sounds like you should take your wife to a hospital.
But me? I'm exactly where I should be.
About to R and R my wife into snapping out of it.
Snapping out of nothing at all.
I'm thinking, we gotta get away from these people.
If they find out you're the one he's really talking to,
something bad could happen.
- That's a really good point. - It is.
Let's head down to the pool,
indulge in the calm, healing waters. Have a relax.
I actually am starting to feel a little tired.
I got you.
Do the right thing, man.
Francine, did you see me?
Wait, I got water in my nose that time.
Okay, Hunty! She's giving "Mother."
She's sexy, she's iconic.
She's catatonic. Slay queen!
I'm okay.
Ooh, reservations guy, reservations guy.
Did you get the, um... Reservations I asked for?
Oh, yes. You wanted the best of the best at the last moment
for the least amount of money.
Yes, that's me. Thank you for remembering.
I was able to secure dinner at 2:30 p.m. In a different hotel's steakhouse.
And, tickets to Wayne Newton at four.
Bring us your best, most healing brain food.
Not that anyone here needs that.
Except maybe me.
Maybe I'm the one.
Boop!
- Stan! Francine! - Oh, hey, Roger.
The name's Leoncio Bedoncio, official merch guy for Wayne.
Francine, glamorous as ever.
She's lost a bit of energy over the last few hours, hasn't said a word,
but maybe that's what happens right before someone snaps out of it.
Maybe. You guys want to buy a Wayne Newton t-shirt?
Wayne Newton whitening strips? A hyperbaric chamber?
We all know how good Wayne looks, how strong he is.
I've never seen him. Don't know his face or his work.
What? He's Mr. Las Vegas!
And this is the hyperbaric chamber he sleeps in.
Not this one exactly, but one basically just like it.
And it could be yours for the low, low price of $53,000.
I really hope this show isn't horrible.
♪ ...For always my heart says, danke schoen ♪
♪ Danke schoen ♪
Yeah!
Beautiful. Bellissimo.
Stan, I figured it out.
You did? I'm so happy, Francine.
I knew you would. And so did I.
All thanks to Wayne Newton.
Should we stay for the 7:00 p.m. show?
No, sorry.
I haven't been listening to this or anything you said for hours.
I've been listening to John Mayer's live broadcast.
I figured out where he is.
It's time to go silence him, for good.
Wait. I, uh...
I would kick myself if I didn't get inside this hyperbaric chamber.
See if I fit.
Dr. Fay, call me as soon as you get this.
She needs help. More help than I can give her.
- She's crazy. - You think I'm crazy?
This isn't soundproof?
You never believed me. The whole time.
This hurts more than when you dropped me 300 feet
and broke my head.
Please understand. I thought this was soundproof.
Dr. Fay, me again.
I'm stuck in here like Sleeping Beauty,
and I think my Prince Charming is going to murder John Mayer.
Sleeping beauty is right.
Soon, you will be "Sleeping beautiful!"
And it's yours for only--
I can't believe I'm giving you this price--
$65,000.
You don't seem excited. Did I say less before?
Gotta stop Francine.
Wow! So strong after only one session.
Shall I ring it up?
Francine!
Oh, God, Francine!
Francine!
Why are casinos designed like this?
Where is the exit?
I actually... You know what?
I... I don't even know.
Francine!
No, it's me, Wayne Newton.
I don't mean to interrupt.
I just... I lost my wife.
I'm so sorry. How did she pass?
She didn't. She gave me the slip.
It's not a joke, it's true.
Get up here. Tell us what's going on.
I messed up, Wayne. Big time.
And I was too afraid to face it.
But then your song, it made me weep,
because it put my deepest feelings into words.
Those words, of course, are "Donkey shame."
- Danke schoen. - Exactly.
Donkey shame.
The shame a donkey feels just for existing.
That's me, I'm the donkey.
And it's not only that I caused an accident that broke my wife's brain...
Yes, Wayne, it was an accident, it wasn't an opportunity.
- I see. - You should see my wife.
She's lit from within. A dime, inside and out.
And I get it now.
She deserves to be with a beautiful donkey.
A donkey that isn't ashamed.
You know what I'm saying, Wayne?
Some donkeys are tens, some are threes.
You're the donkey expert. Who's that donkey from Shrek?
He is pretty. What's his name?
- Donkey. - You're an angel, Wayne.
What I'm trying to say is, I trapped a firefly in a jar.
She's too good for me.
I'd let her out, but with my donkey hooves, I can't.
By the way, what's your name?
I'm Stan. And my wife thinks John Mayer is trying
to talk to her through the radio,
which is coocoomunga, but in another life, maybe it's true.
Maybe her broken brain is revealing a secret wish
to be with someone fabulous instead of someone like me.
And now, unfortunately, she's on her way to kill him or something.
That's bad news. How can I help?
She said she figured out where he is by listening to his live radio show.
Again, though, she's coocoomunga.
And now for another great song,
the same song we've been listening to for the last hour,
this is "SOS" by ABBA.
Now I feel like John Mayer is talking to me.
That's an SOS.
Oh, God, he's recording from the Win, but he wasn't in the booth.
Well, then he's in the penthouse.
That's where they keep the beautiful donkeys.
You did it, Wayne!
Well, they don't call me Mr. Las Vegas for nothing.
I'm sorry, Mr. Las Vegas, but nobody gets up who isn't on the list.
- Damn. - I know she's up there.
She's yelling, she's got him tied up.
Oh, God, she's going to jail, and it's all my fault.
How are we gonna get up there now, Wayne?
I can do this with such ease, because I sleep in a hyperbaric chamber.
♪ Danke schoen ♪
♪ Darling, danke schoen ♪
Oh, Wayne!
I am telling you the truth.
I don't know you. I've never seen you before in my life,
you've broken into my room, and you are holding me hostage.
- Francine! - Stan?
Dr. Fay?
Okay, now I'm tired.
I'm gonna take a quick disco nap.
Hey, Wayne, I ordered a hyperbaric chamber from your merch guy, and it never arrived.
I paid 80 grand.
That guy doesn't work for me.
Everyone shut up!
Dr. Fay, what are you doing?
After you left my office,
I checked out the radio station.
And I realized John Mayer wasn't talking to Francine,
he was talking to me!
But he's being really weird about it.
Now, sit!
You.
You got my messages!
- Wait, what? - How did you get up here?
I had to go through the sewer.
She was on the list, under "Bed Bath and Beyond."
You shouldn't have come.
I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.
♪ Danke schoen Darling, danke schoen ♪
♪ Thank you for all the joy and pain ♪
♪ Picture show, second balcony... ♪
That's why the karate!
♪ Was the place we'd meet Second seat ♪
♪ Gold Dutch treat ♪
♪ Danke schoen ♪
The zip ties!
Francine, wow.
Francine.
So that's your name.
I haven't stopped thinking about you
since we were both perusing those shower radios
at BB and Beyond.
You were my white whale, but I had no way of reaching you.
I figured I'd start a radio station as a little nod to our meeting,
and just talk to you directly, in the shower.
He means me.
I see now that I was casting too wide a net,
confusing a lot of people.
It's why I had to move upstairs.
But that's all in the past.
I knew you would hear me. I knew you would come.
Hang on there.
Stan, I went back to get you,
but I got lost in the casino, and then you were gone.
I'm sorry for trapping you, that wasn't cool.
No, Francine.
I should apologize for trapping you. In this life.
You shouldn't be with a donkey like me, you should be with John Mayer.
I don't want to be with John Mayer.
Oh, no, why not?
You want to be with Wayne?
Have you been listening to me at all?
I came here to tell John Mayer to knock it off.
- Knock it off, John. - Okay.
Stan, you can never trap me.
I love you, and I choose you, every single day.
'Cause I like weird.
I'm weeping again, but it's not donkey shame.
I feel the opposite.
Horse proud to be rock solid with the best gal in the world.
Bravo!
Also, this was my plan all along.
To get you guys to this truly rock-solid place.
Would you believe that?
And also say it to the police.
Arboretum! Arboretum!
I can't wait to see the cherry blossoms.
And the birds of paradise.
Yes! Let's get crazy.
"We're never gonna survive unless we get a little crazy."
Seal sang that, and John Mayer played it on the radio,
as a message for me.
You mean me.
Well, let's just ask him then.
Why would he be talking to you guys?
He's talking to me!