♪ Good morning, USA ♪
♪ I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
♪ The sun in the sky ♪
♪ Has a smile on his face ♪
♪ And he's shining a salute to the American race ♪
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
♪ Good morning, USA ♪
I love dim sum.
♪ So many bites of delicious fun ♪
♪ Spin the lazy Susan for another one ♪
- No. - There they are.
Oh, it's so good to see you,
even under such awful circumstances.
I can't believe they're tearing down Win Sum Lose Sum Dim Sum.
They're tearing down all of Chinatown.
For what?
Dumbass apartments no one wants to live in.
We're building New Chinatown Town,
which I think is a great name.
Not to replace what came before it,
but to honor it.
That is why both Cheesecake Factories
in New Chinatown Town
are renaming their world-famous Bang Bang Chicken
to Old Dirty Chinatown Chicken.
Man, Vic Mancuso is the best.
The confidence to wear gator skin shoes to a construction site?
I wish I had that.
Enough chitchat. Let's eat.
Excited to try this place.
Never been here.
And I'm aspiring food vlogger Jake Eatz.
I go to food places, sit in my car
and film myself eating and talking about it,
all while masturbating just below frame.
Don't worry, everybody.
I can handle the ordering.
We'll have a large Meat Lover's Pizza, nine Oreo McFlurries,
a blooming onion, and a pitcher of Mountain Dew Code Red.
Okay.
You know, Steve, the history of Chinatown goes back
all the way to the 15th century.
What?
During the Ming dynasty,
the sailor Jung Hu captained the great fleet.
Every ship filled with treasure.
- Treasure? - Shh.
To show the world China's wealth,
he sailed to India and then to Africa,
and some people think he then sailed here.
How'd he sail on land?
No, you dummy.
Using his magical compass, Jung Hu sailed all the way to America
and buried his treasure right here in Langley Falls.
And Chinatown grew over it?
Yes, dummy.
Legend says there's an amulet
that can lead you to the start.
And I have it!
Oops!
These are my dog tags from Madonna's Express Yourself tour
Ah, here. I won it in a poker game.
I had three eights,
Bah Bah, are you talking about treasure to my son?
No, we were talking about pleasure. Right, Steve?
Yeah, pleasure.
Why is it we always say, "It's a pleasure to meet you"?
It's a little early to know, right?
Ugh!
Good cover, Steve.
Fifteen plates of chicken feet.
Gross.
- What? - Roger!
Hey, no way I ordered 15 of these.
And I'm still waiting for that pitcher of Code Red.
Forget it, Jake Eatz.
It's Chinatown.
Well, I don't think I'm beating that one.
See you next week.
It was so cool hanging with Mah Mah and Bah Bah the other day.
Don't think I didn't hear you two talking about treasure.
Most of my friends' grandparents are into lame stuff.
Like the show Blue Bloods and dying.
I love that Bah Bah is into treasure hunting.
He's a fool.
Why are you so harsh on Bah Bah?
A fool, I say.
A fool of the highest order.
You know why, Steve?
Because the treasure doesn't exist.
It's a bogus legend.
Possibly the dumbest treasure story ever told.
Sixty-two ships all bigger than the Titanic,
all full of treasure
which they hauled by foot 42 miles to Langley Falls?
She's questioning how Bah Bah got the magic amulet
in a poker game with three eighths.
Three eighths?
If you had something of immense value,
you don't put it down on a hand that could lose to three eights.
Okay, I get it.
The whole treasure thing's dumb.
Can we go? I've had to poop for five errands.
Holy cow, what a line.
Thanks for helping, guys.
I'm having a tough time launching my channel.
I've only put two videos up.
One's an out of focus video of my shoe,
and the other was when a wild turkey wandered into our yard.
Kind of blew up.
But it got de monetized,
because Counting Crows was playing in the background.
Don't worry. All Haley and I do is watch TikTok.
- Being a food vlogger is easy. - Make a bunch of noises while you eat,
then say what you like about it.
It's your boy Jake Eatz, and I'm at the Chili Hat.
It's a burger place, but they're known for their chili.
Let's take the lid off and get a good whiff.
A little spicy.
Ah, sorry. I'll go get some napkins.
They made me wait in line just for more napkins.
And did you get the chili, too?
I'll be back.
Leave the napkins!
Catch.
I'll get some more napkins, too.
Where are you going with all those big menus?
These are books on Chinese lore.
Just because Mom doesn't want to entertain
Bah Bah's sweet little treasure fantasy, doesn't mean I can't.
That's exactly what it means.
Mom, don't you want me to connect with Bah Bah?
Of course.
Just not over treasure.
Which is everything with him.
That's why I forbid you to hang out with him!
You're so unfair!
And I did not like that thing you just did
where you pretended to be nice and then changed.
Wow, that was a lot to process.
I need to stop thinking for a while.
That's better.
Oh, look, a note.
Hey, Steve, I'm sorry...
That little--
English Leather and Hot Takis.
Bah Bah.
Steve, you got my pigeon!
My mom's gonna kill me if she sees I'm gone.
Not if we find a treasure.
"Watching time go by,
"guarding the start."
According to legend,
the key to the entrance was an ancient sundial.
Unfortunately, I think they built that clock tower over it.
Then last night, I remember seeing that the other day.
"Watching time go by."
That lion's watching the old sundial!
Wait, those books I read said that in Chinese culture,
it's bad luck to enter a lion by the mouth.
Then I guess that means
- your grandma isn't a lion. - Ugh.
I'm serious.
It's why MGM Las Vegas had to change its original lion's head entrance.
Maybe it goes somewhere else?
Steve, get your hand out of that lion's butt.
I knew I couldn't trust you, Bah Bah.
Come on, Steve. We're going home.
Oh, my God. It's the entrance!
Come on, let's check it out.
Great. Now I have to go save him.
Oh, boo hoo.
Francine has to go on an exciting treasure hunt.
Ugh! My bones!
Quit lying around, you two.
There's treasure to find!
Wow!
It's beautiful.
When I arrive, you can go.
These are Chinese numbers.
Maybe it's a date?
Oh, the year Jung Hu came to America.
You know it, Frannie. Sing it.
♪ Jung Hu sailed for fun ♪
♪ Came to Langley in 1421 ♪
That's it!
Although extremely lacking in pizzazz.
We thinking this water is a good thing?
Whisk us away to the next area?
Oh, yeah, it'll whisk us away...
to our death!
Mom, you're doing the nice-to-mean thing.
This makes no sense.
All the research points to 1421.
Damn it, Bah Bah.
Your stupid obsession is gonna get us killed.
Stupid obsession!
We're probably 50 feet from all the treasure of 15th century China.
"Fifteenth century China"?
We're idiots!
They didn't use the same calendar as us.
Our 1421 was their 4118.
We are so stupid!
Few more seconds and I'd have brain damage.
Wait, do I have brain damage?
Ask me Snot's social security number. 9-8-5-0-0-7-1-9-9.
Oh, thank God!
Good to see you again.
Oh, you're not Dana.
Well, let me catch you up.
I've been through this line six times over the last nine hours,
and I still haven't been able to review your chili.
Once I sneezed it all over my RAV4.
Twice I dropped it.
Then some teenager slapped the bowl out of my hands.
I guess it's called a chili check? Pretty funny.
Then I got clipped by a VW Golf.
But that was my fault,
'cause I was walking backwards through the parking lot
having a heated exchange with an off-duty baseball coach.
So, anyway, one small chili, please.
Chili check!
Ha! Still funny.
I got chili checked again.
I gotta hop back in line.
Oh, no. Looks like the shark's nest just let out.
They must have given up three touchdowns in the fourth quarter.
So everyone's cashing in their free Cheer Up Chili.
Sometimes when you lose, you really win.
Hey, there's still some chili in here.
Chili check.
Look, the door.
But look, moonlight.
A way out!
This whole place is falling in on itself.
We gotta get out of here.
Get out? We're closer now than we've ever been.
We'll finally be crazy rich Asians,
just like in that movie Parasite!
This is what you always did.
Put treasure ahead of everyone.
You wasted my whole childhood
training me for treasure hunting.
Rock climbing, Chinese lore, Krav Maga.
Dislocating my limbs
to fit through tight spaces.
Well, can I offer one rebuttal
- in my defense? - What?
Go! Whoo!
♪ I think of all the good times that I've missed ♪
♪ But that sweet treasure I just cannot resist ♪
Ow!
♪ I got it bad ♪
♪ Got it bad, got it bad ♪
♪ I'm hot for treasure ♪
♪ I got it bad ♪
♪ So bad ♪
♪ I'm hot for treasure ♪
Take it, Steve.
Come on! We're gonna get smushed!
Let's go, Steve.
We can still get the treasure.
Sorry, Mom.
Steve, no!
I must have slid weird.
Look away, Bah Bah.
Vic Mancuso?
Vic Mancuso!
Vic Mancuso?
Vic Mancuso!
Thank God you're working in the dead of night.
I know this sounds crazy,
but my father and son
are stuck underground in a dangerous web of treasure tunnels.
Please, calm down.
Step into my... little portable construction office thingie.
I don't know what they're called. Do you?
Let's just go inside.
I don't get why Mom's still upset.
You were right about everything.
There's another room down there.
Not again!
Oh, my spine! My precious spine!
Sorry, what were you saying?
Something about a tiger's butt?
Lion's butt.
The lion statue right here in the square.
Please, excuse my silk kung fu robe.
I'm in the middle of one of my many daily suit changes.
Of course.
I see you've noticed from my objet d'art
and Jackie Chan posters that I appreciate fine Chinese things.
I could watch Rush Hour 2 all day.
Yeah, it's a great movie.
- I'm gonna need some henchmen in here. - Wait, what?
Francine, I didn't buy old dirty Chinatown just to turn a profit.
If the legends are true,
Jung Hu's mythical compass is right below us.
With that power, I could redevelop the world.
Wait a second.
You're a bad guy!
Listen up. This lady, a grandpa, and some dumb kid
found the entrance to the treasure before you!
You knew about the treasure?
Now it will be super easy to catch up to your family,
force the old guy to lead us to the treasure and kill them.
Ugh! Sometimes I'm so smart, and sometimes I so dumb.
Also, guys, I think getting outsmarted by this group of rag tags
is another example of how our hybrid work schedule is just not working.
Henchmen work is something best done in person.
Everyone's gotta start coming in more.
- No more Zoom. - Sorry, boss.
You cut out for a second. What'd you say?
Never mind.
You do anything to my son,
and I swear I will find you and I will hurt you.
You can do whatever you want to my dad.
Oh, you're not going anywhere.
You're sure you're good to watch her, Trevor?
Yeah, I'm good, Vic.
It's just like I'm there. She pulls anything, I'll Slack you.
Now it's time to catch these dorks,
get Jung Hu's compass,
and become the most powerful real estate developer in the world.
Right after I change my suit one more time.
I'm just worried this one won't go with the compass.
I'm telling you, Steve, Mah Mah is insatiable.
Please, stop.
I should've stayed with Mom.
And I gotta pee.
That's, like, the eighth time you had to pee.
So, anyway, I don't know if it's her, or just my sex appeal,
but Mah Mah can go all night.
Oh, my God, stop!
Hey, Trevor, do I hear the Bluey theme song in the background?
Didn't you tell your daughter no more screen time?
Are you kidding me, Presley?
Hey, Presley was asleep.
Later, Trevor.
I gotta save my son.
Oh no, you were lying!
You gotta stop trusting everyone, Trevor!
Hmm. My Chinese is a little rusty.
This either means "quick way" or "quick death."
I'll take my chances.
Whee!
Another pee puddle.
They must have a dog or something.
But if you really want to juice your grandma's orange--
- Mommy! - Shh.
Mancuso's henchmen are all over the place.
The guy rebuilding Chinatown?
He's only doing it to get his hands on Jung Hu's compass.
Let's get moving before one of them catches up to us.
Too late.
We can take these guys.
Okay, I got this.
Krav Maga. Throat punch!
Throat punch! Throat punch!
I mostly do throat punches.
Good thing these guys all had throats.
Okay, okay, okay.
We are clean.
We have the chili.
Let's do this.
Burgers. More burgers.
Fries.
They forgot the [bleep] chili!
That's chilly, huh.
Damn it. She did say,
"Be careful the chili is under the burgers."
She said it twice, actually.
This can't be the end.
It doesn't make sense.
I'm gonna go pee again.
You know I didn't have to include you in my treasure obsession
when you were growing up.
I did it because I enjoy spending time with you.
I like spending time with you too.
The problem was once it wasn't treasure related,
you didn't want to spend time with me anymore.
I'm sorry. I just thought if I could get the treasure,
I could give you and your sister,
and your mom a better life.
I think I would have just preferred you more in the life we did have.
Uh, guys, I think my pee found something.
Maybe we have to twist this rock?
- I'm not touching pee. - Me either.
Ahhh! Steve has pee hands.
Pee-pee hands kid!
There's an indentation.
We need to fill it with something.
Not just something.
Jung Hu's lucky gold medallion.
Didn't we use that to get in here?
No, that was Jung Hu's amulet.
I'm talking about Jung Hu's medallion,
which I gave to you for your 12th birthday.
No, you gave me...
My necklace!
I knew you'd keep it safe.
Jung Hu's compass.
It's magnificent!
And it's all magnifi-mine.
Now I'll have the power to develop the whole world
into a crappy mixed-use retail space,
where parking is only free for the first 30 minutes.
And no validations, ever!
Jung Hu!
An exit!
You don't need that.
You already have treasure.
And so do I.
Win Sum, Lose Sum, Dim Sum?
Let's go some!
You fools!
I had it in my hands!
I saved that dummy's life just so he could die?
Hey, Bah Bah, I have one question.
What were you gonna do without my necklace?
Hi there, Steve.
I knew you'd show up.
Suckers!
Should've gone back in.
What up? It's your boy Jake Eatz.
And I'm here to tell you what I think of the Chili Hat.
Well, guess we better find a way home.
Chili check!