1 00:00:02,432 --> 00:00:05,831 Broadcast TV Family Night may now commence. 2 00:00:05,832 --> 00:00:07,831 All the content you can stream online, 3 00:00:07,832 --> 00:00:09,901 plus you get the commercials for free. 4 00:00:09,902 --> 00:00:11,601 I heard there's a new ad for Lincoln 5 00:00:11,602 --> 00:00:14,571 where Matthew McConaughey just turns into a gentle breeze 6 00:00:14,572 --> 00:00:17,141 and moves through a wheat field. 7 00:00:17,142 --> 00:00:19,881 I present, for your Epicurean pleasure, 8 00:00:19,882 --> 00:00:21,542 The Popcorn Bar, 9 00:00:21,552 --> 00:00:23,981 complete with artisanal butters and toppings. 10 00:00:23,982 --> 00:00:25,521 The popcorn's in glasses? 11 00:00:25,522 --> 00:00:26,821 We're not dukes! 12 00:00:26,822 --> 00:00:28,251 Can't we just have it the normal way, 13 00:00:28,252 --> 00:00:29,321 folded up in our shirts? 14 00:00:29,322 --> 00:00:30,991 You can eat it any way you... 15 00:00:30,992 --> 00:00:32,591 And where are all the un-popped kernels? 16 00:00:32,592 --> 00:00:34,522 I'm just supposed to munch away happily 17 00:00:34,532 --> 00:00:36,291 without the risk of breaking a tooth? 18 00:00:36,292 --> 00:00:39,531 Risk equals reward, Steve! 19 00:00:39,532 --> 00:00:40,962 We interrupt this silent film 20 00:00:40,972 --> 00:00:42,871 to bring you a high-speed pursuit. 21 00:00:42,872 --> 00:00:44,871 A warning for our more sensitive viewers... 22 00:00:44,872 --> 00:00:47,541 so far, this chase has been badass. 23 00:00:47,542 --> 00:00:49,171 It's not déjà vu, folks. 24 00:00:49,172 --> 00:00:51,641 You're looking at the white Ford Bronco 25 00:00:51,642 --> 00:00:54,142 previously owned by O. J. Simpson 26 00:00:54,152 --> 00:00:55,811 and stolen this evening 27 00:00:55,812 --> 00:00:59,051 from the Metropolitan Museum of Sports Memorabilia. 28 00:00:59,052 --> 00:01:00,851 Stan, your dad! 29 00:01:00,852 --> 00:01:04,352 The driver has now been identified as Jack Smith, 30 00:01:04,362 --> 00:01:06,021 former jewel thief, bus driver, 31 00:01:06,022 --> 00:01:09,061 and seasonal evil spirit of Christmas. 32 00:01:09,062 --> 00:01:12,862 Oh, here we go! 33 00:01:18,742 --> 00:01:20,502 Oh, they got him! 34 00:01:20,512 --> 00:01:22,171 They got him! Yes! 35 00:01:22,172 --> 00:01:23,772 Right in the face! 36 00:01:23,782 --> 00:01:25,911 Obviously, a tragic end here. 37 00:01:25,912 --> 00:01:27,511 At a time like this, you just hope 38 00:01:27,512 --> 00:01:29,381 The Juice isn't watching. 39 00:01:29,382 --> 00:01:31,581 Oh, my God! 40 00:01:31,582 --> 00:01:35,591 There is so much popcorn on the floor! 41 00:01:35,592 --> 00:01:38,462 This is why we need a dog, Francine. 42 00:02:11,462 --> 00:02:12,991 Anyway, if you drop an octave, 43 00:02:12,992 --> 00:02:14,661 it might help you sound less like your mother on the phone. 44 00:02:14,662 --> 00:02:17,492 Why do you have to nitpick every little thing I do? 45 00:02:17,502 --> 00:02:19,201 I'm helping you become a man. 46 00:02:19,202 --> 00:02:22,631 This is what my father did for me and his father did for him. 47 00:02:22,632 --> 00:02:24,501 I'm gonna make a man out of you. 48 00:02:24,502 --> 00:02:27,202 Or die trying! 49 00:02:28,272 --> 00:02:30,441 Oh, what a nightmare. 50 00:02:30,442 --> 00:02:32,141 Need something to calm my nerves. 51 00:02:32,142 --> 00:02:36,251 Perhaps some step-sibling porn on the ol' kitchen desktop. 52 00:02:36,252 --> 00:02:38,881 Oh, you're up, too. 53 00:02:38,882 --> 00:02:40,582 It's your grandpa's funeral. 54 00:02:40,592 --> 00:02:42,691 There are so many little details. 55 00:02:42,692 --> 00:02:43,921 Should we wait for Hayley and Jeff 56 00:02:43,922 --> 00:02:45,521 to come back from their camping trip? 57 00:02:45,522 --> 00:02:47,661 Oh, gosh, Hayley. 58 00:02:47,662 --> 00:02:49,791 How 'bout we take lots of pictures, 59 00:02:49,792 --> 00:02:52,531 and if she ever finds out, we show them to her. 60 00:02:52,532 --> 00:02:53,701 Smart. 61 00:02:53,702 --> 00:02:55,971 Okay, imagine you're at the funeral. 62 00:02:55,972 --> 00:02:57,471 You're, what, sad? 63 00:02:57,472 --> 00:02:59,571 But you're also hungry. 64 00:02:59,572 --> 00:03:01,241 - I... - Bagel bites! 65 00:03:01,242 --> 00:03:02,441 Yes! 66 00:03:02,442 --> 00:03:04,472 This funeral's really coming together! 67 00:03:04,482 --> 00:03:06,311 Shouldn't Dad be helping with this? 68 00:03:06,312 --> 00:03:08,881 Oh, no! I'm having fun. 69 00:03:08,882 --> 00:03:10,712 Plus, your dad's been spinning out 70 00:03:10,722 --> 00:03:14,282 since he saw Grandpa Jack get shot to pieces on TV. 71 00:03:17,822 --> 00:03:20,422 Dad! It's 2:00 a.m.! 72 00:03:20,432 --> 00:03:21,561 Jack who? 73 00:03:21,562 --> 00:03:23,192 He didn't say anything about Jack. 74 00:03:23,202 --> 00:03:25,631 Don't these kids have school in the morning? 75 00:03:25,632 --> 00:03:26,801 I'm not avoiding anything. 76 00:03:26,802 --> 00:03:29,431 Can... Can you stop for a second?! 77 00:03:29,432 --> 00:03:32,042 I had a bad dream! 78 00:03:33,772 --> 00:03:35,341 Steve, you're killing the vibe here. 79 00:03:35,342 --> 00:03:37,611 This isn't really your scene. These kids are cool. 80 00:03:37,612 --> 00:03:39,811 Stan, put down your big guitar 81 00:03:39,812 --> 00:03:42,311 and talk to your son about your dad. 82 00:03:42,312 --> 00:03:43,812 No! 83 00:03:43,822 --> 00:03:45,351 You knew I was all about the music when you married me. 84 00:03:45,352 --> 00:03:47,621 Now, if you'll excuse me, me and my band, Fetus, 85 00:03:47,622 --> 00:03:50,952 have to get back to jacking... get... get jack to jamming... 86 00:03:50,962 --> 00:03:52,891 My dad hated me... back to jamming! 87 00:03:52,892 --> 00:03:54,932 Guys, play "Had a Dad"! 88 00:03:57,102 --> 00:04:00,102 Ahhhhh, wubawuba! 89 00:04:07,042 --> 00:04:08,871 What's going on? 90 00:04:08,872 --> 00:04:11,411 It's officially our anniversary. 91 00:04:11,412 --> 00:04:12,841 I got you something. 92 00:04:12,842 --> 00:04:17,012 It's long and hard and it's in my sleeping bag. 93 00:04:18,622 --> 00:04:20,221 Surprise! 94 00:04:20,222 --> 00:04:21,651 You bought me... 95 00:04:21,652 --> 00:04:22,751 an oar? 96 00:04:22,752 --> 00:04:24,991 Found you. Do you like it? 97 00:04:24,992 --> 00:04:28,361 Do I like it? 98 00:04:28,362 --> 00:04:29,991 An oar?! 99 00:04:29,992 --> 00:04:30,762 An oar! 100 00:04:30,763 --> 00:04:32,401 Great minds, right?! 101 00:04:32,402 --> 00:04:34,562 We're the great minds! 102 00:04:38,002 --> 00:04:41,571 I can't wait to get this home and really see what it can do. 103 00:04:41,572 --> 00:04:43,041 The sky's the limit! 104 00:04:43,042 --> 00:04:45,311 We could scoot pizzas into those big ovens! 105 00:04:45,312 --> 00:04:47,842 Or we could stir a giant tub of yogurt! 106 00:04:47,852 --> 00:04:50,412 Or we could paddle out on the river! 107 00:04:50,422 --> 00:04:51,481 Totally. 108 00:04:51,482 --> 00:04:53,652 But first, oar fight! 109 00:04:55,422 --> 00:04:56,491 Alright! 110 00:04:56,492 --> 00:04:58,592 Now we can go canoeing. 111 00:05:02,332 --> 00:05:03,661 Bagel bite? 112 00:05:03,662 --> 00:05:05,061 Hell, yeah! 113 00:05:05,062 --> 00:05:07,331 I gotta say I'm loving this funeral, Frannie. 114 00:05:07,332 --> 00:05:08,531 It's a hit! 115 00:05:08,532 --> 00:05:10,332 It's fun, right? 116 00:05:10,342 --> 00:05:11,532 Dad still isn't here. 117 00:05:11,542 --> 00:05:12,641 Start without him. 118 00:05:12,642 --> 00:05:14,141 That feels weird. 119 00:05:14,142 --> 00:05:17,142 It's my day, and we start when I stay we start! 120 00:05:19,142 --> 00:05:21,281 Thank you for joining us today. 121 00:05:21,282 --> 00:05:22,882 My Grandpa Jack was... 122 00:05:24,252 --> 00:05:27,082 Wubawuba! 123 00:05:29,792 --> 00:05:32,561 Oh, he had a breakfast gig. 124 00:05:32,562 --> 00:05:33,891 Stop! I said stop, Jeremy! 125 00:05:33,892 --> 00:05:35,991 Are you kidding me?! You rushed the verse! 126 00:05:35,992 --> 00:05:38,801 - Sorry. - Apology not accepted, Jeremy. 127 00:05:38,802 --> 00:05:40,562 You left us back there! 128 00:05:40,572 --> 00:05:42,801 You le... You left me! 129 00:05:42,802 --> 00:05:44,732 You just sped away! 130 00:05:44,742 --> 00:05:46,541 I was a little kid, man! 131 00:05:46,542 --> 00:05:47,902 What? 132 00:05:47,912 --> 00:05:49,971 I was never good enough for you, and, boy, 133 00:05:49,972 --> 00:05:51,611 did you let me know it! 134 00:05:51,612 --> 00:05:53,181 You ruined everything! 135 00:05:53,182 --> 00:05:55,052 Jeremy! 136 00:06:02,352 --> 00:06:04,921 Jeremy! 137 00:06:04,922 --> 00:06:08,091 No, no, no, no, no, Jeremy! 138 00:06:08,092 --> 00:06:11,632 Wow. Jeremy really fucked up. 139 00:06:15,032 --> 00:06:19,501 Maybe we can lure him out of the van with a surprise. 140 00:06:19,502 --> 00:06:20,971 What does Stan like? 141 00:06:20,972 --> 00:06:22,972 How about a trampoline?! 142 00:06:22,982 --> 00:06:26,281 I'm not sure empty trampoline promises are gonna fix this. 143 00:06:26,282 --> 00:06:28,011 Empty? What the f... 144 00:06:28,012 --> 00:06:30,111 I feel so helpless. 145 00:06:30,112 --> 00:06:34,021 What Stan really needed was a chance to forgive Jack, 146 00:06:34,022 --> 00:06:35,791 but that's impossible now. 147 00:06:35,792 --> 00:06:37,852 Not necessarily! 148 00:06:37,862 --> 00:06:41,061 Hi, Chantilly Dubois, world-class medium. 149 00:06:41,062 --> 00:06:42,831 Well, no formal training, of course, 150 00:06:42,832 --> 00:06:44,692 so really more of a medium medium. 151 00:06:44,702 --> 00:06:46,361 We need to throw Stan a séance. 152 00:06:46,362 --> 00:06:49,201 You really think you could get in touch with Jack? 153 00:06:49,202 --> 00:06:51,932 Bless your heart, no. I'm more of a charlatan. 154 00:06:51,942 --> 00:06:54,371 But I do a couple fun things... flickering candles, 155 00:06:54,372 --> 00:06:56,611 little magnets to make stuff wiggle. 156 00:06:56,612 --> 00:06:58,272 Sorry, how is this helpful? 157 00:06:58,282 --> 00:07:01,711 Stan only has to believe we can contact spirits. 158 00:07:01,712 --> 00:07:03,112 I tell him Jack says sorry. 159 00:07:03,122 --> 00:07:05,981 Stan can finally forgive his dad. Boom! 160 00:07:05,982 --> 00:07:08,521 We each have the rest of the afternoon to do our own thing. 161 00:07:08,522 --> 00:07:10,221 I don't know. This... 162 00:07:10,222 --> 00:07:12,591 This whole thing could backfire and leave Dad even worse off. 163 00:07:12,592 --> 00:07:13,991 I say let's risk it. 164 00:07:13,992 --> 00:07:15,892 Who cares, right? 165 00:07:18,332 --> 00:07:19,731 What the hell is this? 166 00:07:19,732 --> 00:07:21,231 I thought you said we got a trampoline. 167 00:07:21,232 --> 00:07:23,701 - Did you promise him a... - Not now. 168 00:07:23,702 --> 00:07:25,901 Stan, please sit down. 169 00:07:25,902 --> 00:07:28,871 I sense someone close to you died. 170 00:07:28,872 --> 00:07:31,672 Your... dad. 171 00:07:31,682 --> 00:07:32,681 I'm not doing this. 172 00:07:32,682 --> 00:07:33,711 Please, Stan! 173 00:07:33,712 --> 00:07:36,081 Jack's death was hard on everyone. 174 00:07:36,082 --> 00:07:39,452 We just want to find some closure, for all of us. 175 00:07:40,792 --> 00:07:43,121 Spirit realm, hear our call! 176 00:07:43,122 --> 00:07:45,261 Let our voices guide you through the veil 177 00:07:45,262 --> 00:07:47,861 so you may move among us. 178 00:07:47,862 --> 00:07:49,491 Look at the salt go! 179 00:07:49,492 --> 00:07:51,092 - Roger. - Fine. 180 00:07:51,102 --> 00:07:53,431 We call on Jack Smith. 181 00:07:53,432 --> 00:07:56,071 Please commune with us! 182 00:07:56,072 --> 00:07:57,871 Welp, we tried. I'm out. 183 00:07:57,872 --> 00:07:59,902 Stan. 184 00:08:01,342 --> 00:08:02,671 Dad! It's you. 185 00:08:02,672 --> 00:08:04,911 Oh, shit, I might be the real deal. 186 00:08:04,912 --> 00:08:06,681 There's so much I want to say to you. 187 00:08:06,682 --> 00:08:08,081 What are you wearing? 188 00:08:08,082 --> 00:08:09,981 I'm dead a week and you start dressing 189 00:08:09,982 --> 00:08:11,712 like a lesbian Raider fan?! 190 00:08:11,722 --> 00:08:13,752 Dad! I'm trying to forgive you! 191 00:08:15,392 --> 00:08:18,791 You've been crying, Shirley Temple? 192 00:08:18,792 --> 00:08:20,291 Your makeup's running. 193 00:08:20,292 --> 00:08:22,661 I told you this could backfire, Roger. 194 00:08:22,662 --> 00:08:24,161 Get rid of him. 195 00:08:24,162 --> 00:08:25,601 Leave him alone! Shoo! 196 00:08:25,602 --> 00:08:28,671 I'm goin', I'm goin'! You think I wanna be here? 197 00:08:28,672 --> 00:08:31,471 I should be rubbin' my wood on the Pearly Gates about now. 198 00:08:31,472 --> 00:08:33,541 Oof! 199 00:08:33,542 --> 00:08:36,171 Okay, nobody panic, but it seems I might have 200 00:08:36,172 --> 00:08:38,172 bound Jack's spirit to the house. 201 00:08:38,182 --> 00:08:41,342 Oh, perfect. I'm s... Holy hell, Stan. 202 00:08:41,352 --> 00:08:44,212 With the lights on, I can really drink you in. 203 00:08:44,222 --> 00:08:47,151 Those pants are just painted on, aren't they? 204 00:08:47,152 --> 00:08:50,152 Oh, it's a shame you got your mother's penis. 205 00:08:53,432 --> 00:08:56,561 Who's that kid with brain damage? 206 00:08:56,562 --> 00:08:57,961 That's Young Sheldon. 207 00:08:57,962 --> 00:08:59,731 Is he the good guy or the bad guy? 208 00:08:59,732 --> 00:09:01,101 There's no good or bad. 209 00:09:01,102 --> 00:09:04,001 Steve, which one is your friend again? 210 00:09:04,002 --> 00:09:05,801 What? None of them. 211 00:09:05,802 --> 00:09:07,941 This movie is too confusing! 212 00:09:07,942 --> 00:09:11,572 I've gotta dump some ectoplasm. 213 00:09:11,582 --> 00:09:14,881 Well, it's... it's fun having Jack around. 214 00:09:14,882 --> 00:09:16,411 He's the worst! 215 00:09:16,412 --> 00:09:18,581 He keeps putting "vagina" on the shopping list. 216 00:09:18,582 --> 00:09:21,891 He keeps calling me "pure" and measuring my thighs. 217 00:09:21,892 --> 00:09:23,191 I do not like it. 218 00:09:23,192 --> 00:09:24,991 Well, at least he's nice to you. 219 00:09:24,992 --> 00:09:26,461 He's just mean to me. 220 00:09:26,462 --> 00:09:28,891 We have to find a way to get rid of him! 221 00:09:28,892 --> 00:09:29,961 Like an exorcism. 222 00:09:29,962 --> 00:09:31,601 Wait! 223 00:09:31,602 --> 00:09:34,101 Doesn't Hayley have a bunch of old witch books in the garage? 224 00:09:34,102 --> 00:09:36,231 Oh, right! Her Wiccan phase. 225 00:09:36,232 --> 00:09:38,801 I still have the little effigy she made of each of us. 226 00:09:38,802 --> 00:09:40,502 I poke 'em every once in a while. 227 00:09:40,512 --> 00:09:41,611 You guys ever feel that? 228 00:09:41,612 --> 00:09:44,711 Stan! Nobody buys single-ply TP! 229 00:09:44,712 --> 00:09:48,811 I just touched my own butt hole because of you, you limp dildo! 230 00:09:48,812 --> 00:09:51,681 Alright, garage! Go, go, go! 231 00:09:51,682 --> 00:09:53,621 Okay, maybe this is something. 232 00:09:53,622 --> 00:09:57,491 In Japanese legend, ghosts can be trapped in our world 233 00:09:57,492 --> 00:10:00,422 until they resolve a deep emotional conflict. 234 00:10:00,432 --> 00:10:02,531 Jack's not even Japanese, Steve. 235 00:10:02,532 --> 00:10:03,961 Did the boy screw up? 236 00:10:03,962 --> 00:10:05,092 Call him a dildo! 237 00:10:05,102 --> 00:10:07,262 Hey, what's with all the books? 238 00:10:07,272 --> 00:10:08,962 You guys tryin' to get rid of me? 239 00:10:08,972 --> 00:10:11,941 What?! Grandpa! Come on! 240 00:10:11,942 --> 00:10:14,002 It's alright. I hate it here, too. 241 00:10:14,012 --> 00:10:15,971 And I have an idea. 242 00:10:15,972 --> 00:10:17,541 During my world travels, 243 00:10:17,542 --> 00:10:20,942 I once attended a sacred ritual to help a spirit move on, 244 00:10:20,952 --> 00:10:23,751 deep in the heart of Sacramento. 245 00:10:23,752 --> 00:10:24,812 I can replicate it. 246 00:10:24,822 --> 00:10:26,821 Wow, Sac-Town. 247 00:10:26,822 --> 00:10:28,451 Tampa of the West. 248 00:10:28,452 --> 00:10:30,921 Sac-Town's the Orlando of the West! 249 00:10:30,922 --> 00:10:32,861 San Diego's Tampa. 250 00:10:32,862 --> 00:10:35,161 So, it's $50 to rent for the day. 251 00:10:35,162 --> 00:10:38,361 Includes all the gear... life vests, oars, 252 00:10:38,362 --> 00:10:40,862 and one warm red PowerAde. 253 00:10:40,872 --> 00:10:42,631 We brought oars. Hey! 254 00:10:42,632 --> 00:10:44,632 Jinx! 255 00:10:46,502 --> 00:10:48,102 You two married? 256 00:10:48,112 --> 00:10:49,911 Then you'll need separate canoes. 257 00:10:49,912 --> 00:10:51,041 What? No way. 258 00:10:51,042 --> 00:10:52,581 Yeah, the whole point of canoeing 259 00:10:52,582 --> 00:10:53,911 is we get to do it together. 260 00:10:53,912 --> 00:10:57,412 If you value your relationship, get two canoes! 261 00:10:57,422 --> 00:10:59,281 The young couples I seen come through here, 262 00:10:59,282 --> 00:11:01,991 none of them was strong enough! 263 00:11:01,992 --> 00:11:04,452 Oh, the river broke their hearts. 264 00:11:04,462 --> 00:11:05,491 Hey! 265 00:11:05,492 --> 00:11:06,661 What's that? 266 00:11:06,662 --> 00:11:08,461 I canoe hear you! 267 00:11:08,462 --> 00:11:11,032 Did you just say, "canoe hear you"? 268 00:11:13,402 --> 00:11:15,032 Why? 269 00:11:16,932 --> 00:11:22,641 Aperire fores malum ex inferno! 270 00:11:22,642 --> 00:11:24,972 I didn't expect so much kneeling. 271 00:11:24,982 --> 00:11:28,281 Do you think it's rude if I run upstairs and get some knee pads? 272 00:11:28,282 --> 00:11:30,112 I know exactly where they are. 273 00:11:30,122 --> 00:11:32,051 Now repeat after me. 274 00:11:32,052 --> 00:11:34,121 By the six seals of Drekavac 275 00:11:34,122 --> 00:11:37,521 and the call of the ancient demon lords... 276 00:11:37,522 --> 00:11:38,721 By the... 277 00:11:38,722 --> 00:11:40,061 seals... 278 00:11:40,062 --> 00:11:41,322 of... 279 00:11:41,332 --> 00:11:42,591 - Dreka... - Drekavac... 280 00:11:42,592 --> 00:11:43,592 Good enough! 281 00:11:43,602 --> 00:11:46,761 We prescript the blood shadows, 282 00:11:46,762 --> 00:11:48,131 open the gate! 283 00:11:48,132 --> 00:11:50,132 Open the gate! 284 00:11:50,142 --> 00:11:51,841 Open the gate! 285 00:11:51,842 --> 00:11:53,571 Open the gate! 286 00:11:53,572 --> 00:11:55,612 Open the gate? 287 00:11:56,712 --> 00:11:57,741 Jack? 288 00:11:57,742 --> 00:11:59,781 He's gone! We did it! 289 00:11:59,782 --> 00:12:00,842 Dad, I forgive you. 290 00:12:00,852 --> 00:12:02,551 Whew, there. Closure. 291 00:12:02,552 --> 00:12:04,751 That one felt right. That was the one. 292 00:12:04,752 --> 00:12:06,081 Nice job, everyone. 293 00:12:06,082 --> 00:12:07,151 Yeah! 294 00:12:07,152 --> 00:12:09,352 You nutsacks did it! 295 00:12:11,122 --> 00:12:12,991 Oh, no! 296 00:12:12,992 --> 00:12:14,122 Help! 297 00:12:14,132 --> 00:12:16,392 Noooo! 298 00:12:19,002 --> 00:12:20,631 I mean "we." 299 00:12:20,632 --> 00:12:21,801 We nutsacks did it. 300 00:12:21,802 --> 00:12:23,501 You sound terrible. 301 00:12:23,502 --> 00:12:26,541 Did my little guy catch a chill from all that wind? 302 00:12:26,542 --> 00:12:28,602 Let's go get you some soup. 303 00:12:28,612 --> 00:12:31,442 Any of you other nutsacks want some? 304 00:12:34,582 --> 00:12:36,181 Look out! 305 00:12:36,182 --> 00:12:37,981 Someone's got a pep in his step! 306 00:12:37,982 --> 00:12:39,421 Damn right I do. 307 00:12:39,422 --> 00:12:42,151 My crappy pappy's taking a permanent nappy. 308 00:12:42,152 --> 00:12:44,521 That's a cute way to say it. 309 00:12:44,522 --> 00:12:46,161 We're all pumped since we got rid of that 310 00:12:46,162 --> 00:12:48,791 thick-dicked bull elk we were all jealous of. 311 00:12:48,792 --> 00:12:50,161 That's good, too! 312 00:12:50,162 --> 00:12:52,331 People are being so creative today! 313 00:12:52,332 --> 00:12:54,262 Okay, I'm off to school. 314 00:12:54,272 --> 00:12:56,601 Oh, and all of you, stay out of my room. 315 00:12:56,602 --> 00:12:57,771 I've got... 316 00:12:57,772 --> 00:12:59,702 I don't know, something embarrassing in there. 317 00:12:59,712 --> 00:13:02,641 A Barbra Streisand record, let's say. 318 00:13:02,642 --> 00:13:07,142 Maybe I'm crazy, but is Steve, like, super cool now? 319 00:13:07,152 --> 00:13:09,181 He's definitely acting weird. 320 00:13:09,182 --> 00:13:10,981 Maybe you should talk to him. 321 00:13:10,982 --> 00:13:13,182 It's just normal teenager stuff. 322 00:13:13,192 --> 00:13:14,682 Hey, I'm Carly. 323 00:13:14,692 --> 00:13:17,452 Steve said I could find us some beers in here? 324 00:13:17,462 --> 00:13:18,722 Alright, I'll talk to him. 325 00:13:21,192 --> 00:13:22,461 Good news, Jeff. 326 00:13:22,462 --> 00:13:24,961 I invited another woman on our trip. 327 00:13:24,962 --> 00:13:26,401 Mother Nature! 328 00:13:26,402 --> 00:13:27,801 Good! 329 00:13:27,802 --> 00:13:30,732 Give her your oar because you are doing nothing with it! 330 00:13:30,742 --> 00:13:33,202 You're steering us into the weeds again! 331 00:13:33,212 --> 00:13:34,341 The front steers! 332 00:13:34,342 --> 00:13:36,041 The front steers! 333 00:13:36,042 --> 00:13:38,772 Pull over! I'm walking! 334 00:13:38,782 --> 00:13:40,081 See this? 335 00:13:40,082 --> 00:13:41,511 Just a pencil, right? 336 00:13:41,512 --> 00:13:43,712 Wrong. Deadly weapon. 337 00:13:43,722 --> 00:13:46,721 Ka-blooey! Between ribs three and four, 338 00:13:46,722 --> 00:13:49,321 you've got yourself a heart on a stick. 339 00:13:49,322 --> 00:13:51,091 Of course, accuracy's not an issue 340 00:13:51,092 --> 00:13:52,491 if you've got one of these. 341 00:13:52,492 --> 00:13:55,531 Steve, weren't we gonna try to catch ladybugs today? 342 00:13:55,532 --> 00:13:57,892 Steve! Come on, I'll drive you home. 343 00:13:57,902 --> 00:13:59,431 Damn. I gotta go. 344 00:13:59,432 --> 00:14:02,332 Later, Snorkle, Mushi, Fat One. 345 00:14:04,602 --> 00:14:06,271 Listen up. Your mother and I noticed 346 00:14:06,272 --> 00:14:07,441 you're not yourself lately. 347 00:14:07,442 --> 00:14:08,671 - I'm driving. - Sure. 348 00:14:08,672 --> 00:14:10,572 And whatever it is you're dealing with, 349 00:14:10,582 --> 00:14:12,511 I want you to know you gotta wrap it up 350 00:14:12,512 --> 00:14:14,142 because I don't care for it, okay? 351 00:14:14,152 --> 00:14:16,481 - We good? - That's it? 352 00:14:16,482 --> 00:14:19,651 You're not gonna box my ears? Ring my bell? 353 00:14:19,652 --> 00:14:22,221 Jerk my arm around a little to let me know you mean business? 354 00:14:22,222 --> 00:14:23,691 What? Of course not. 355 00:14:23,692 --> 00:14:26,861 You're too soft to be a good father, ya limp dildo. 356 00:14:26,862 --> 00:14:29,031 Dildo, dildo, dildo... 357 00:14:29,032 --> 00:14:31,431 Hey, Steve, I forget. 358 00:14:31,432 --> 00:14:33,862 What gives me the best odds at the dog track? 359 00:14:33,872 --> 00:14:35,672 The quinella, obviously. 360 00:14:36,832 --> 00:14:38,471 And what's the name of your goblin character 361 00:14:38,472 --> 00:14:40,172 in your little dragons game? 362 00:14:42,472 --> 00:14:44,772 Puerto Rican Charlie. 363 00:14:44,782 --> 00:14:46,381 - Dad! - Shoot! 364 00:14:46,382 --> 00:14:48,181 Look, I need the child. 365 00:14:48,182 --> 00:14:49,411 I'll let you say your goodbyes. 366 00:14:49,412 --> 00:14:51,752 - Goodbyes? - Good enough. 367 00:14:55,992 --> 00:14:57,452 Dad, no! 368 00:14:57,462 --> 00:14:59,291 That kick, though. 369 00:14:59,292 --> 00:15:01,692 Hyah! Hyah! 370 00:15:06,362 --> 00:15:08,931 Hey, buddy. Havin' a tough one? 371 00:15:08,932 --> 00:15:12,171 My son is really my dad, and he stole my car! 372 00:15:12,172 --> 00:15:13,842 Yeah, me, too. 373 00:15:15,772 --> 00:15:17,772 Jack wanted to keep us out of this room. 374 00:15:17,782 --> 00:15:20,081 There must be a clue here where he's headed. 375 00:15:20,082 --> 00:15:21,342 I can't find anything 376 00:15:21,352 --> 00:15:22,881 under all these museum schematics! 377 00:15:22,882 --> 00:15:26,051 The Metropolitan Museum of Sports Memorabilia. 378 00:15:26,052 --> 00:15:28,721 That's where Dad stole O. J.'s Bronco from! 379 00:15:28,722 --> 00:15:31,491 I hate to be this guy, but the Bronco wasn't O. J.'s. 380 00:15:31,492 --> 00:15:32,991 It belonged to Al Cowlings. 381 00:15:32,992 --> 00:15:35,491 He's planning another heist! 382 00:15:35,492 --> 00:15:36,831 Roger, I need to borrow your car. 383 00:15:36,832 --> 00:15:38,492 Don't sweat it. I'll drive you. 384 00:15:38,502 --> 00:15:41,362 Just open up Uber, and I'll be the closest driver. 385 00:15:41,372 --> 00:15:43,601 Damn! I got eagle-swooped! 386 00:15:43,602 --> 00:15:45,701 But you got Rahim. He's good. 387 00:15:45,702 --> 00:15:46,802 4.82. 388 00:15:46,812 --> 00:15:49,372 That's three stars more than I have. 389 00:15:51,882 --> 00:15:52,642 That was bad. 390 00:15:52,643 --> 00:15:54,811 It was bad on the river. 391 00:15:54,812 --> 00:15:56,481 The river was the problem. 392 00:15:56,482 --> 00:15:59,651 Yeah, but we're good now, right? 393 00:15:59,652 --> 00:16:00,982 Have you had time to decide? 394 00:16:00,992 --> 00:16:03,321 I'll get the coconut shrimp to start 395 00:16:03,322 --> 00:16:04,652 and then the scampi, please. 396 00:16:04,662 --> 00:16:07,461 Do people usually get shrimp 397 00:16:07,462 --> 00:16:10,661 for both their appetizer and their entrée? 398 00:16:10,662 --> 00:16:13,962 Or is that, like, a stupid thing to do? 399 00:16:13,972 --> 00:16:16,571 What's the most creamers you've ever seen someone 400 00:16:16,572 --> 00:16:18,001 put in their water? 401 00:16:18,002 --> 00:16:21,071 Because that would be really stupid. 402 00:16:21,072 --> 00:16:22,841 I'm makin' milk! 403 00:16:22,842 --> 00:16:25,441 Jesus, did you guys share a canoe or something? 404 00:16:25,442 --> 00:16:27,242 I don't know why I'm so angry. 405 00:16:27,252 --> 00:16:28,581 We have to go back, Jeff. 406 00:16:28,582 --> 00:16:30,512 Back on the river where this all started, 407 00:16:30,522 --> 00:16:31,781 so we can fix it! 408 00:16:31,782 --> 00:16:34,582 Okay, but we gotta do it right this time. 409 00:16:34,592 --> 00:16:37,352 With patience and love. 410 00:16:37,362 --> 00:16:39,161 Shit! 411 00:16:39,162 --> 00:16:40,791 We had a good run, babe! 412 00:16:40,792 --> 00:16:43,992 But these oars... they drove us apart! 413 00:16:44,002 --> 00:16:45,261 It's the oars! 414 00:16:45,262 --> 00:16:46,461 We should just lose them! 415 00:16:46,462 --> 00:16:48,602 Lose the oars! 416 00:16:49,532 --> 00:16:51,271 Look, it's working! 417 00:16:51,272 --> 00:16:53,171 We're already better at canoeing! 418 00:16:53,172 --> 00:16:55,371 I'm sorry, babe. I love you. 419 00:16:55,372 --> 00:16:57,242 I love you, too. 420 00:16:59,712 --> 00:17:01,442 This is nice. 421 00:17:01,452 --> 00:17:03,781 Hey, look, that cloud looks like cotton candy. 422 00:17:03,782 --> 00:17:05,821 That one looks like a lion. 423 00:17:05,822 --> 00:17:07,382 I can even hear it roaring. 424 00:17:07,392 --> 00:17:09,851 You know, I can't think of a single time 425 00:17:09,852 --> 00:17:12,422 you would actually need an oar. 426 00:17:24,872 --> 00:17:27,071 You don't have to do this, Grandpa! 427 00:17:27,072 --> 00:17:28,241 Quiet! 428 00:17:28,242 --> 00:17:30,311 I've tried this before and failed. 429 00:17:30,312 --> 00:17:33,311 My body was too girthy, too substantial. 430 00:17:33,312 --> 00:17:35,351 I needed a wisp of a boy to finally get 431 00:17:35,352 --> 00:17:38,951 the Holy Grail of sports memorabilia. 432 00:17:38,952 --> 00:17:42,221 The original pitcher of Arnold Palmer! 433 00:17:42,222 --> 00:17:44,521 You stole my body for iced tea? 434 00:17:44,522 --> 00:17:46,291 Iced tea and lemonade, 435 00:17:46,292 --> 00:17:47,722 carefully concocted 436 00:17:47,732 --> 00:17:52,601 by the seventh-best golfer of all time, arguably! 437 00:17:52,602 --> 00:17:53,901 Stop! 438 00:17:53,902 --> 00:17:56,331 Wheeee! 439 00:17:56,332 --> 00:17:57,601 Stan, freeze! 440 00:17:57,602 --> 00:17:59,171 There are lasers everywhere. 441 00:17:59,172 --> 00:18:02,711 One wrong move, and we all go away to sports jail forever. 442 00:18:02,712 --> 00:18:06,481 Oh, my God, a bowling pin signed by Larry Bird? 443 00:18:06,482 --> 00:18:08,042 Why don't we ever come here? 444 00:18:08,052 --> 00:18:09,811 Dad, I'm begging you, 445 00:18:09,812 --> 00:18:12,251 give me back my son, please. 446 00:18:12,252 --> 00:18:13,951 You don't deserve the boy! 447 00:18:13,952 --> 00:18:17,091 Face it, Stan, you were a failure as my son, 448 00:18:17,092 --> 00:18:19,661 and you're a failure as a father to Steven. 449 00:18:19,662 --> 00:18:22,431 You're right. I am a bad dad 450 00:18:22,432 --> 00:18:23,931 because I thought to be a father, 451 00:18:23,932 --> 00:18:26,601 I had to be like you... mean. 452 00:18:26,602 --> 00:18:30,401 But somehow I still ended up with a really great kid, 453 00:18:30,402 --> 00:18:31,601 and I miss him. 454 00:18:31,602 --> 00:18:35,471 Daaaaad! 455 00:18:35,472 --> 00:18:36,611 That's it, Stan! 456 00:18:36,612 --> 00:18:38,341 Complimenting Steve is giving him 457 00:18:38,342 --> 00:18:40,281 the confidence to overpower Jack! 458 00:18:40,282 --> 00:18:41,411 Keep going! 459 00:18:41,412 --> 00:18:43,381 A red tennis ball. 460 00:18:43,382 --> 00:18:45,381 And it says it's very rare. 461 00:18:45,382 --> 00:18:46,621 What a world! 462 00:18:46,622 --> 00:18:49,521 Alright, compliments. 463 00:18:49,522 --> 00:18:51,822 Man, nothing else really springs to mind. 464 00:18:53,592 --> 00:18:55,531 Quickly, Stan. Anything! 465 00:18:55,532 --> 00:18:58,131 He always walks down stairs quietly. 466 00:18:58,132 --> 00:18:59,761 Adequate! More! 467 00:18:59,762 --> 00:19:02,802 He can pry apart even the most stuck-together Legos. 468 00:19:04,842 --> 00:19:07,971 He's the only one who reminds me to drink enough water. 469 00:19:07,972 --> 00:19:10,041 He knows which sharks are which. 470 00:19:10,042 --> 00:19:12,072 Stop this! 471 00:19:12,082 --> 00:19:13,811 You're embarrassing yourselves! 472 00:19:13,812 --> 00:19:15,581 You're doing it, Stan! 473 00:19:15,582 --> 00:19:17,981 You have to love your dad out of your son! 474 00:19:17,982 --> 00:19:20,751 His hair is a very even brown! 475 00:19:20,752 --> 00:19:23,652 He reminds me when my parking meter's almost up. 476 00:19:23,662 --> 00:19:26,622 No! I'll never go! 477 00:19:26,632 --> 00:19:29,162 His smile makes me smile! 478 00:19:35,132 --> 00:19:37,801 Damn it! 479 00:19:37,802 --> 00:19:38,602 Dad! 480 00:19:38,603 --> 00:19:39,972 Steve! 481 00:19:41,942 --> 00:19:43,711 No! 482 00:19:43,712 --> 00:19:46,142 You sissies ruined everything! 483 00:19:50,352 --> 00:19:52,922 Hey, I found a secret way out. 484 00:19:56,352 --> 00:19:58,221 No! I'm trapped! 485 00:19:58,222 --> 00:19:59,861 Don't leave me here with... 486 00:19:59,862 --> 00:20:01,791 Mary Tyler Moore's dress? 487 00:20:01,792 --> 00:20:03,592 What does this have to do with sports? 488 00:20:03,602 --> 00:20:06,601 People magazine once described "The Mary Tyler Moore Show" 489 00:20:06,602 --> 00:20:08,402 as a home run. 490 00:20:11,972 --> 00:20:14,602 The trick is to never look down. 491 00:20:14,612 --> 00:20:15,871 The minute you stop and think 492 00:20:15,872 --> 00:20:18,441 about what you're climbing, you're dead. 493 00:20:18,442 --> 00:20:20,241 You're the man! 494 00:20:20,242 --> 00:20:23,612 Stan, Steve thinks he's a climber now. 495 00:20:23,622 --> 00:20:26,221 Do you think that? 496 00:20:26,222 --> 00:20:27,721 I sure do! 497 00:20:27,722 --> 00:20:30,251 Figuratively climbing out of your own subconscious 498 00:20:30,252 --> 00:20:33,722 and real mountain climbing are basically the same! 499 00:20:33,732 --> 00:20:36,431 You're a good boy. 500 00:20:36,432 --> 00:20:39,661 I really appreciate how you've turned over this new leaf. 501 00:20:39,662 --> 00:20:42,001 Gotta break the Smith family cycle. 502 00:20:42,002 --> 00:20:45,541 I'm not gonna waste my only shot at being a great dad. 503 00:20:45,542 --> 00:20:46,601 We're back! 504 00:20:46,602 --> 00:20:48,071 Hayley! Good news! 505 00:20:48,072 --> 00:20:50,211 I decided to be a good dad... 506 00:20:50,212 --> 00:20:51,111 to Steve. 507 00:20:51,112 --> 00:20:53,311 Great. What else did we miss? 508 00:20:53,312 --> 00:20:54,842 Oh, so much! 509 00:20:54,852 --> 00:20:58,281 Steve made love to an old lady, probably. 510 00:20:58,282 --> 00:21:00,152 Bye! Have a beautiful time!