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Broadcast TV Family Night
may now commence.
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All the content
you can stream online,
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00:00:07,832 --> 00:00:09,901
plus you get
the commercials for free.
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I heard there's a new ad for Lincoln
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where Matthew McConaughey
just turns into a gentle breeze
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and moves through a wheat field.
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I present, for your
Epicurean pleasure,
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The Popcorn Bar,
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complete with artisanal butters
and toppings.
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The popcorn's in glasses?
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We're not dukes!
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Can't we just have it the normal way,
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folded up in our shirts?
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You can eat it any way you...
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And where are all
the un-popped kernels?
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I'm just supposed to
munch away happily
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without the risk of breaking a tooth?
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Risk equals reward, Steve!
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We interrupt this silent film
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to bring you a high-speed pursuit.
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A warning for our more
sensitive viewers...
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so far, this chase has been badass.
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It's not déjà vu, folks.
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You're looking at
the white Ford Bronco
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previously owned by O. J. Simpson
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and stolen this evening
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from the Metropolitan Museum
of Sports Memorabilia.
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Stan, your dad!
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The driver has now been
identified as Jack Smith,
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former jewel thief, bus driver,
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and seasonal evil spirit
of Christmas.
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Oh, here we go!
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Oh, they got him!
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They got him! Yes!
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Right in the face!
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Obviously, a tragic end here.
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At a time like this, you just hope
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The Juice isn't watching.
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Oh, my God!
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There is so much popcorn
on the floor!
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This is why we need a dog, Francine.
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Anyway, if you drop an octave,
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it might help you sound less
like your mother on the phone.
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Why do you have to nitpick
every little thing I do?
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I'm helping you become a man.
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This is what my father did for
me and his father did for him.
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I'm gonna make a man out of you.
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Or die trying!
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Oh, what a nightmare.
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Need something to calm my nerves.
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Perhaps some step-sibling porn
on the ol' kitchen desktop.
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Oh, you're up, too.
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It's your grandpa's funeral.
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There are so many little details.
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Should we wait for Hayley and Jeff
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to come back from their camping trip?
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Oh, gosh, Hayley.
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How 'bout we take lots of pictures,
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and if she ever finds out,
we show them to her.
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Smart.
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Okay, imagine you're at the funeral.
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You're, what, sad?
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But you're also hungry.
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- I...
- Bagel bites!
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Yes!
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This funeral's really
coming together!
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Shouldn't Dad be helping with this?
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Oh, no! I'm having fun.
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Plus, your dad's been spinning out
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since he saw Grandpa Jack
get shot to pieces on TV.
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Dad! It's 2:00 a.m.!
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Jack who?
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He didn't say anything about Jack.
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Don't these kids have school
in the morning?
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I'm not avoiding anything.
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Can... Can you stop for a second?!
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I had a bad dream!
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Steve, you're killing the vibe here.
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This isn't really your scene.
These kids are cool.
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Stan, put down your big guitar
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and talk to your son about your dad.
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No!
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You knew I was all about
the music when you married me.
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Now, if you'll excuse me,
me and my band, Fetus,
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have to get back to jacking...
get... get jack to jamming...
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My dad hated me... back to jamming!
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Guys, play "Had a Dad"!
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Ahhhhh, wubawuba!
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What's going on?
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It's officially our anniversary.
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I got you something.
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It's long and hard
and it's in my sleeping bag.
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Surprise!
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You bought me...
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an oar?
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Found you. Do you like it?
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Do I like it?
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An oar?!
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An oar!
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Great minds, right?!
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We're the great minds!
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I can't wait to get this home
and really see what it can do.
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The sky's the limit!
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We could scoot pizzas
into those big ovens!
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Or we could stir
a giant tub of yogurt!
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Or we could paddle out on the river!
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Totally.
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But first, oar fight!
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Alright!
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Now we can go canoeing.
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Bagel bite?
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Hell, yeah!
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I gotta say I'm loving
this funeral, Frannie.
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It's a hit!
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It's fun, right?
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Dad still isn't here.
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Start without him.
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That feels weird.
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It's my day, and we start
when I stay we start!
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Thank you for joining us today.
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My Grandpa Jack was...
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Wubawuba!
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Oh, he had a breakfast gig.
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Stop! I said stop, Jeremy!
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Are you kidding me?!
You rushed the verse!
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- Sorry.
- Apology not accepted, Jeremy.
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You left us back there!
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You le... You left me!
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You just sped away!
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I was a little kid, man!
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What?
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I was never good enough for you,
and, boy,
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did you let me know it!
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You ruined everything!
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Jeremy!
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Jeremy!
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No, no, no, no, no, Jeremy!
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Wow. Jeremy really fucked up.
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Maybe we can lure him out
of the van with a surprise.
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What does Stan like?
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How about a trampoline?!
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I'm not sure empty trampoline
promises are gonna fix this.
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Empty? What the f...
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I feel so helpless.
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What Stan really needed
was a chance to forgive Jack,
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but that's impossible now.
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Not necessarily!
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Hi, Chantilly Dubois,
world-class medium.
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Well, no formal training, of course,
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so really more of a medium medium.
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We need to throw Stan a séance.
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You really think you could get
in touch with Jack?
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Bless your heart, no.
I'm more of a charlatan.
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But I do a couple fun things...
flickering candles,
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little magnets to make stuff wiggle.
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Sorry, how is this helpful?
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Stan only has to believe
we can contact spirits.
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I tell him Jack says sorry.
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Stan can finally
forgive his dad. Boom!
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We each have the rest of the
afternoon to do our own thing.
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I don't know. This...
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This whole thing could backfire
and leave Dad even worse off.
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I say let's risk it.
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Who cares, right?
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What the hell is this?
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I thought you said
we got a trampoline.
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- Did you promise him a...
- Not now.
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Stan, please sit down.
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I sense someone close to you died.
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Your... dad.
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I'm not doing this.
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Please, Stan!
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Jack's death was hard on everyone.
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We just want to find
some closure, for all of us.
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Spirit realm, hear our call!
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Let our voices guide you
through the veil
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so you may move among us.
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Look at the salt go!
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- Roger.
- Fine.
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We call on Jack Smith.
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Please commune with us!
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Welp, we tried. I'm out.
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Stan.
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00:08:01,342 --> 00:08:02,671
Dad! It's you.
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00:08:02,672 --> 00:08:04,911
Oh, shit, I might be the real deal.
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00:08:04,912 --> 00:08:06,681
There's so much I want to say to you.
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00:08:06,682 --> 00:08:08,081
What are you wearing?
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00:08:08,082 --> 00:08:09,981
I'm dead a week
and you start dressing
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00:08:09,982 --> 00:08:11,712
like a lesbian Raider fan?!
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00:08:11,722 --> 00:08:13,752
Dad! I'm trying to forgive you!
191
00:08:15,392 --> 00:08:18,791
You've been crying, Shirley Temple?
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Your makeup's running.
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I told you this could backfire,
Roger.
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Get rid of him.
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Leave him alone! Shoo!
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I'm goin', I'm goin'!
You think I wanna be here?
197
00:08:28,672 --> 00:08:31,471
I should be rubbin' my wood
on the Pearly Gates about now.
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Oof!
199
00:08:33,542 --> 00:08:36,171
Okay, nobody panic,
but it seems I might have
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bound Jack's spirit to the house.
201
00:08:38,182 --> 00:08:41,342
Oh, perfect. I'm s... Holy hell, Stan.
202
00:08:41,352 --> 00:08:44,212
With the lights on,
I can really drink you in.
203
00:08:44,222 --> 00:08:47,151
Those pants are just painted on,
aren't they?
204
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Oh, it's a shame you got
your mother's penis.
205
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Who's that kid with brain damage?
206
00:08:56,562 --> 00:08:57,961
That's Young Sheldon.
207
00:08:57,962 --> 00:08:59,731
Is he the good guy or the bad guy?
208
00:08:59,732 --> 00:09:01,101
There's no good or bad.
209
00:09:01,102 --> 00:09:04,001
Steve, which one
is your friend again?
210
00:09:04,002 --> 00:09:05,801
What? None of them.
211
00:09:05,802 --> 00:09:07,941
This movie is too confusing!
212
00:09:07,942 --> 00:09:11,572
I've gotta dump some ectoplasm.
213
00:09:11,582 --> 00:09:14,881
Well, it's... it's fun
having Jack around.
214
00:09:14,882 --> 00:09:16,411
He's the worst!
215
00:09:16,412 --> 00:09:18,581
He keeps putting "vagina"
on the shopping list.
216
00:09:18,582 --> 00:09:21,891
He keeps calling me "pure"
and measuring my thighs.
217
00:09:21,892 --> 00:09:23,191
I do not like it.
218
00:09:23,192 --> 00:09:24,991
Well, at least he's nice to you.
219
00:09:24,992 --> 00:09:26,461
He's just mean to me.
220
00:09:26,462 --> 00:09:28,891
We have to find a way
to get rid of him!
221
00:09:28,892 --> 00:09:29,961
Like an exorcism.
222
00:09:29,962 --> 00:09:31,601
Wait!
223
00:09:31,602 --> 00:09:34,101
Doesn't Hayley have a bunch of
old witch books in the garage?
224
00:09:34,102 --> 00:09:36,231
Oh, right! Her Wiccan phase.
225
00:09:36,232 --> 00:09:38,801
I still have the little effigy
she made of each of us.
226
00:09:38,802 --> 00:09:40,502
I poke 'em every once in a while.
227
00:09:40,512 --> 00:09:41,611
You guys ever feel that?
228
00:09:41,612 --> 00:09:44,711
Stan! Nobody buys single-ply TP!
229
00:09:44,712 --> 00:09:48,811
I just touched my own butt hole
because of you, you limp dildo!
230
00:09:48,812 --> 00:09:51,681
Alright, garage! Go, go, go!
231
00:09:51,682 --> 00:09:53,621
Okay, maybe this is something.
232
00:09:53,622 --> 00:09:57,491
In Japanese legend, ghosts can
be trapped in our world
233
00:09:57,492 --> 00:10:00,422
until they resolve
a deep emotional conflict.
234
00:10:00,432 --> 00:10:02,531
Jack's not even Japanese, Steve.
235
00:10:02,532 --> 00:10:03,961
Did the boy screw up?
236
00:10:03,962 --> 00:10:05,092
Call him a dildo!
237
00:10:05,102 --> 00:10:07,262
Hey, what's with all the books?
238
00:10:07,272 --> 00:10:08,962
You guys tryin' to get rid of me?
239
00:10:08,972 --> 00:10:11,941
What?! Grandpa! Come on!
240
00:10:11,942 --> 00:10:14,002
It's alright. I hate it here, too.
241
00:10:14,012 --> 00:10:15,971
And I have an idea.
242
00:10:15,972 --> 00:10:17,541
During my world travels,
243
00:10:17,542 --> 00:10:20,942
I once attended a sacred ritual
to help a spirit move on,
244
00:10:20,952 --> 00:10:23,751
deep in the heart of Sacramento.
245
00:10:23,752 --> 00:10:24,812
I can replicate it.
246
00:10:24,822 --> 00:10:26,821
Wow, Sac-Town.
247
00:10:26,822 --> 00:10:28,451
Tampa of the West.
248
00:10:28,452 --> 00:10:30,921
Sac-Town's the Orlando of the West!
249
00:10:30,922 --> 00:10:32,861
San Diego's Tampa.
250
00:10:32,862 --> 00:10:35,161
So, it's $50 to rent for the day.
251
00:10:35,162 --> 00:10:38,361
Includes all the gear...
life vests, oars,
252
00:10:38,362 --> 00:10:40,862
and one warm red PowerAde.
253
00:10:40,872 --> 00:10:42,631
We brought oars. Hey!
254
00:10:42,632 --> 00:10:44,632
Jinx!
255
00:10:46,502 --> 00:10:48,102
You two married?
256
00:10:48,112 --> 00:10:49,911
Then you'll need separate canoes.
257
00:10:49,912 --> 00:10:51,041
What? No way.
258
00:10:51,042 --> 00:10:52,581
Yeah, the whole point of canoeing
259
00:10:52,582 --> 00:10:53,911
is we get to do it together.
260
00:10:53,912 --> 00:10:57,412
If you value your relationship,
get two canoes!
261
00:10:57,422 --> 00:10:59,281
The young couples I seen
come through here,
262
00:10:59,282 --> 00:11:01,991
none of them was strong enough!
263
00:11:01,992 --> 00:11:04,452
Oh, the river broke their hearts.
264
00:11:04,462 --> 00:11:05,491
Hey!
265
00:11:05,492 --> 00:11:06,661
What's that?
266
00:11:06,662 --> 00:11:08,461
I canoe hear you!
267
00:11:08,462 --> 00:11:11,032
Did you just say, "canoe hear you"?
268
00:11:13,402 --> 00:11:15,032
Why?
269
00:11:16,932 --> 00:11:22,641
Aperire fores malum ex inferno!
270
00:11:22,642 --> 00:11:24,972
I didn't expect so much kneeling.
271
00:11:24,982 --> 00:11:28,281
Do you think it's rude if I run
upstairs and get some knee pads?
272
00:11:28,282 --> 00:11:30,112
I know exactly where they are.
273
00:11:30,122 --> 00:11:32,051
Now repeat after me.
274
00:11:32,052 --> 00:11:34,121
By the six seals of Drekavac
275
00:11:34,122 --> 00:11:37,521
and the call of
the ancient demon lords...
276
00:11:37,522 --> 00:11:38,721
By the...
277
00:11:38,722 --> 00:11:40,061
seals...
278
00:11:40,062 --> 00:11:41,322
of...
279
00:11:41,332 --> 00:11:42,591
- Dreka...
- Drekavac...
280
00:11:42,592 --> 00:11:43,592
Good enough!
281
00:11:43,602 --> 00:11:46,761
We prescript the blood shadows,
282
00:11:46,762 --> 00:11:48,131
open the gate!
283
00:11:48,132 --> 00:11:50,132
Open the gate!
284
00:11:50,142 --> 00:11:51,841
Open the gate!
285
00:11:51,842 --> 00:11:53,571
Open the gate!
286
00:11:53,572 --> 00:11:55,612
Open the gate?
287
00:11:56,712 --> 00:11:57,741
Jack?
288
00:11:57,742 --> 00:11:59,781
He's gone! We did it!
289
00:11:59,782 --> 00:12:00,842
Dad, I forgive you.
290
00:12:00,852 --> 00:12:02,551
Whew, there. Closure.
291
00:12:02,552 --> 00:12:04,751
That one felt right.
That was the one.
292
00:12:04,752 --> 00:12:06,081
Nice job, everyone.
293
00:12:06,082 --> 00:12:07,151
Yeah!
294
00:12:07,152 --> 00:12:09,352
You nutsacks did it!
295
00:12:11,122 --> 00:12:12,991
Oh, no!
296
00:12:12,992 --> 00:12:14,122
Help!
297
00:12:14,132 --> 00:12:16,392
Noooo!
298
00:12:19,002 --> 00:12:20,631
I mean "we."
299
00:12:20,632 --> 00:12:21,801
We nutsacks did it.
300
00:12:21,802 --> 00:12:23,501
You sound terrible.
301
00:12:23,502 --> 00:12:26,541
Did my little guy catch a chill
from all that wind?
302
00:12:26,542 --> 00:12:28,602
Let's go get you some soup.
303
00:12:28,612 --> 00:12:31,442
Any of you other nutsacks want some?
304
00:12:34,582 --> 00:12:36,181
Look out!
305
00:12:36,182 --> 00:12:37,981
Someone's got a pep in his step!
306
00:12:37,982 --> 00:12:39,421
Damn right I do.
307
00:12:39,422 --> 00:12:42,151
My crappy pappy's
taking a permanent nappy.
308
00:12:42,152 --> 00:12:44,521
That's a cute way to say it.
309
00:12:44,522 --> 00:12:46,161
We're all pumped
since we got rid of that
310
00:12:46,162 --> 00:12:48,791
thick-dicked bull elk
we were all jealous of.
311
00:12:48,792 --> 00:12:50,161
That's good, too!
312
00:12:50,162 --> 00:12:52,331
People are being so creative today!
313
00:12:52,332 --> 00:12:54,262
Okay, I'm off to school.
314
00:12:54,272 --> 00:12:56,601
Oh, and all of you,
stay out of my room.
315
00:12:56,602 --> 00:12:57,771
I've got...
316
00:12:57,772 --> 00:12:59,702
I don't know, something
embarrassing in there.
317
00:12:59,712 --> 00:13:02,641
A Barbra Streisand record, let's say.
318
00:13:02,642 --> 00:13:07,142
Maybe I'm crazy, but is Steve,
like, super cool now?
319
00:13:07,152 --> 00:13:09,181
He's definitely acting weird.
320
00:13:09,182 --> 00:13:10,981
Maybe you should talk to him.
321
00:13:10,982 --> 00:13:13,182
It's just normal teenager stuff.
322
00:13:13,192 --> 00:13:14,682
Hey, I'm Carly.
323
00:13:14,692 --> 00:13:17,452
Steve said I could find us
some beers in here?
324
00:13:17,462 --> 00:13:18,722
Alright, I'll talk to him.
325
00:13:21,192 --> 00:13:22,461
Good news, Jeff.
326
00:13:22,462 --> 00:13:24,961
I invited another woman on our trip.
327
00:13:24,962 --> 00:13:26,401
Mother Nature!
328
00:13:26,402 --> 00:13:27,801
Good!
329
00:13:27,802 --> 00:13:30,732
Give her your oar because you
are doing nothing with it!
330
00:13:30,742 --> 00:13:33,202
You're steering us
into the weeds again!
331
00:13:33,212 --> 00:13:34,341
The front steers!
332
00:13:34,342 --> 00:13:36,041
The front steers!
333
00:13:36,042 --> 00:13:38,772
Pull over! I'm walking!
334
00:13:38,782 --> 00:13:40,081
See this?
335
00:13:40,082 --> 00:13:41,511
Just a pencil, right?
336
00:13:41,512 --> 00:13:43,712
Wrong. Deadly weapon.
337
00:13:43,722 --> 00:13:46,721
Ka-blooey!
Between ribs three and four,
338
00:13:46,722 --> 00:13:49,321
you've got yourself
a heart on a stick.
339
00:13:49,322 --> 00:13:51,091
Of course, accuracy's not an issue
340
00:13:51,092 --> 00:13:52,491
if you've got one of these.
341
00:13:52,492 --> 00:13:55,531
Steve, weren't we gonna
try to catch ladybugs today?
342
00:13:55,532 --> 00:13:57,892
Steve! Come on, I'll drive you home.
343
00:13:57,902 --> 00:13:59,431
Damn. I gotta go.
344
00:13:59,432 --> 00:14:02,332
Later, Snorkle, Mushi, Fat One.
345
00:14:04,602 --> 00:14:06,271
Listen up. Your mother and I noticed
346
00:14:06,272 --> 00:14:07,441
you're not yourself lately.
347
00:14:07,442 --> 00:14:08,671
- I'm driving.
- Sure.
348
00:14:08,672 --> 00:14:10,572
And whatever it is
you're dealing with,
349
00:14:10,582 --> 00:14:12,511
I want you to know
you gotta wrap it up
350
00:14:12,512 --> 00:14:14,142
because I don't care for it, okay?
351
00:14:14,152 --> 00:14:16,481
- We good?
- That's it?
352
00:14:16,482 --> 00:14:19,651
You're not gonna box my ears?
Ring my bell?
353
00:14:19,652 --> 00:14:22,221
Jerk my arm around a little to
let me know you mean business?
354
00:14:22,222 --> 00:14:23,691
What? Of course not.
355
00:14:23,692 --> 00:14:26,861
You're too soft to be
a good father, ya limp dildo.
356
00:14:26,862 --> 00:14:29,031
Dildo, dildo, dildo...
357
00:14:29,032 --> 00:14:31,431
Hey, Steve, I forget.
358
00:14:31,432 --> 00:14:33,862
What gives me the best odds
at the dog track?
359
00:14:33,872 --> 00:14:35,672
The quinella, obviously.
360
00:14:36,832 --> 00:14:38,471
And what's the name
of your goblin character
361
00:14:38,472 --> 00:14:40,172
in your little dragons game?
362
00:14:42,472 --> 00:14:44,772
Puerto Rican Charlie.
363
00:14:44,782 --> 00:14:46,381
- Dad!
- Shoot!
364
00:14:46,382 --> 00:14:48,181
Look, I need the child.
365
00:14:48,182 --> 00:14:49,411
I'll let you say your goodbyes.
366
00:14:49,412 --> 00:14:51,752
- Goodbyes?
- Good enough.
367
00:14:55,992 --> 00:14:57,452
Dad, no!
368
00:14:57,462 --> 00:14:59,291
That kick, though.
369
00:14:59,292 --> 00:15:01,692
Hyah! Hyah!
370
00:15:06,362 --> 00:15:08,931
Hey, buddy. Havin' a tough one?
371
00:15:08,932 --> 00:15:12,171
My son is really my dad,
and he stole my car!
372
00:15:12,172 --> 00:15:13,842
Yeah, me, too.
373
00:15:15,772 --> 00:15:17,772
Jack wanted to keep us
out of this room.
374
00:15:17,782 --> 00:15:20,081
There must be a clue here
where he's headed.
375
00:15:20,082 --> 00:15:21,342
I can't find anything
376
00:15:21,352 --> 00:15:22,881
under all these museum schematics!
377
00:15:22,882 --> 00:15:26,051
The Metropolitan Museum
of Sports Memorabilia.
378
00:15:26,052 --> 00:15:28,721
That's where Dad
stole O. J.'s Bronco from!
379
00:15:28,722 --> 00:15:31,491
I hate to be this guy,
but the Bronco wasn't O. J.'s.
380
00:15:31,492 --> 00:15:32,991
It belonged to Al Cowlings.
381
00:15:32,992 --> 00:15:35,491
He's planning another heist!
382
00:15:35,492 --> 00:15:36,831
Roger, I need to borrow your car.
383
00:15:36,832 --> 00:15:38,492
Don't sweat it. I'll drive you.
384
00:15:38,502 --> 00:15:41,362
Just open up Uber,
and I'll be the closest driver.
385
00:15:41,372 --> 00:15:43,601
Damn! I got eagle-swooped!
386
00:15:43,602 --> 00:15:45,701
But you got Rahim. He's good.
387
00:15:45,702 --> 00:15:46,802
4.82.
388
00:15:46,812 --> 00:15:49,372
That's three stars more than I have.
389
00:15:51,882 --> 00:15:52,642
That was bad.
390
00:15:52,643 --> 00:15:54,811
It was bad on the river.
391
00:15:54,812 --> 00:15:56,481
The river was the problem.
392
00:15:56,482 --> 00:15:59,651
Yeah, but we're good now, right?
393
00:15:59,652 --> 00:16:00,982
Have you had time to decide?
394
00:16:00,992 --> 00:16:03,321
I'll get the coconut shrimp to start
395
00:16:03,322 --> 00:16:04,652
and then the scampi, please.
396
00:16:04,662 --> 00:16:07,461
Do people usually get shrimp
397
00:16:07,462 --> 00:16:10,661
for both their appetizer
and their entrée?
398
00:16:10,662 --> 00:16:13,962
Or is that, like,
a stupid thing to do?
399
00:16:13,972 --> 00:16:16,571
What's the most creamers
you've ever seen someone
400
00:16:16,572 --> 00:16:18,001
put in their water?
401
00:16:18,002 --> 00:16:21,071
Because that would be really stupid.
402
00:16:21,072 --> 00:16:22,841
I'm makin' milk!
403
00:16:22,842 --> 00:16:25,441
Jesus, did you guys
share a canoe or something?
404
00:16:25,442 --> 00:16:27,242
I don't know why I'm so angry.
405
00:16:27,252 --> 00:16:28,581
We have to go back, Jeff.
406
00:16:28,582 --> 00:16:30,512
Back on the river
where this all started,
407
00:16:30,522 --> 00:16:31,781
so we can fix it!
408
00:16:31,782 --> 00:16:34,582
Okay, but we gotta do it right
this time.
409
00:16:34,592 --> 00:16:37,352
With patience and love.
410
00:16:37,362 --> 00:16:39,161
Shit!
411
00:16:39,162 --> 00:16:40,791
We had a good run, babe!
412
00:16:40,792 --> 00:16:43,992
But these oars...
they drove us apart!
413
00:16:44,002 --> 00:16:45,261
It's the oars!
414
00:16:45,262 --> 00:16:46,461
We should just lose them!
415
00:16:46,462 --> 00:16:48,602
Lose the oars!
416
00:16:49,532 --> 00:16:51,271
Look, it's working!
417
00:16:51,272 --> 00:16:53,171
We're already better at canoeing!
418
00:16:53,172 --> 00:16:55,371
I'm sorry, babe. I love you.
419
00:16:55,372 --> 00:16:57,242
I love you, too.
420
00:16:59,712 --> 00:17:01,442
This is nice.
421
00:17:01,452 --> 00:17:03,781
Hey, look, that cloud
looks like cotton candy.
422
00:17:03,782 --> 00:17:05,821
That one looks like a lion.
423
00:17:05,822 --> 00:17:07,382
I can even hear it roaring.
424
00:17:07,392 --> 00:17:09,851
You know, I can't think
of a single time
425
00:17:09,852 --> 00:17:12,422
you would actually need an oar.
426
00:17:24,872 --> 00:17:27,071
You don't have to do this, Grandpa!
427
00:17:27,072 --> 00:17:28,241
Quiet!
428
00:17:28,242 --> 00:17:30,311
I've tried this before and failed.
429
00:17:30,312 --> 00:17:33,311
My body was too girthy,
too substantial.
430
00:17:33,312 --> 00:17:35,351
I needed a wisp of a boy
to finally get
431
00:17:35,352 --> 00:17:38,951
the Holy Grail of sports memorabilia.
432
00:17:38,952 --> 00:17:42,221
The original pitcher
of Arnold Palmer!
433
00:17:42,222 --> 00:17:44,521
You stole my body for iced tea?
434
00:17:44,522 --> 00:17:46,291
Iced tea and lemonade,
435
00:17:46,292 --> 00:17:47,722
carefully concocted
436
00:17:47,732 --> 00:17:52,601
by the seventh-best golfer
of all time, arguably!
437
00:17:52,602 --> 00:17:53,901
Stop!
438
00:17:53,902 --> 00:17:56,331
Wheeee!
439
00:17:56,332 --> 00:17:57,601
Stan, freeze!
440
00:17:57,602 --> 00:17:59,171
There are lasers everywhere.
441
00:17:59,172 --> 00:18:02,711
One wrong move, and we all
go away to sports jail forever.
442
00:18:02,712 --> 00:18:06,481
Oh, my God, a bowling pin
signed by Larry Bird?
443
00:18:06,482 --> 00:18:08,042
Why don't we ever come here?
444
00:18:08,052 --> 00:18:09,811
Dad, I'm begging you,
445
00:18:09,812 --> 00:18:12,251
give me back my son, please.
446
00:18:12,252 --> 00:18:13,951
You don't deserve the boy!
447
00:18:13,952 --> 00:18:17,091
Face it, Stan, you were
a failure as my son,
448
00:18:17,092 --> 00:18:19,661
and you're a failure
as a father to Steven.
449
00:18:19,662 --> 00:18:22,431
You're right. I am a bad dad
450
00:18:22,432 --> 00:18:23,931
because I thought to be a father,
451
00:18:23,932 --> 00:18:26,601
I had to be like you... mean.
452
00:18:26,602 --> 00:18:30,401
But somehow I still ended up
with a really great kid,
453
00:18:30,402 --> 00:18:31,601
and I miss him.
454
00:18:31,602 --> 00:18:35,471
Daaaaad!
455
00:18:35,472 --> 00:18:36,611
That's it, Stan!
456
00:18:36,612 --> 00:18:38,341
Complimenting Steve is giving him
457
00:18:38,342 --> 00:18:40,281
the confidence to overpower Jack!
458
00:18:40,282 --> 00:18:41,411
Keep going!
459
00:18:41,412 --> 00:18:43,381
A red tennis ball.
460
00:18:43,382 --> 00:18:45,381
And it says it's very rare.
461
00:18:45,382 --> 00:18:46,621
What a world!
462
00:18:46,622 --> 00:18:49,521
Alright, compliments.
463
00:18:49,522 --> 00:18:51,822
Man, nothing else
really springs to mind.
464
00:18:53,592 --> 00:18:55,531
Quickly, Stan. Anything!
465
00:18:55,532 --> 00:18:58,131
He always walks down stairs quietly.
466
00:18:58,132 --> 00:18:59,761
Adequate! More!
467
00:18:59,762 --> 00:19:02,802
He can pry apart even
the most stuck-together Legos.
468
00:19:04,842 --> 00:19:07,971
He's the only one who reminds me
to drink enough water.
469
00:19:07,972 --> 00:19:10,041
He knows which sharks are which.
470
00:19:10,042 --> 00:19:12,072
Stop this!
471
00:19:12,082 --> 00:19:13,811
You're embarrassing yourselves!
472
00:19:13,812 --> 00:19:15,581
You're doing it, Stan!
473
00:19:15,582 --> 00:19:17,981
You have to love your dad
out of your son!
474
00:19:17,982 --> 00:19:20,751
His hair is a very even brown!
475
00:19:20,752 --> 00:19:23,652
He reminds me when my
parking meter's almost up.
476
00:19:23,662 --> 00:19:26,622
No! I'll never go!
477
00:19:26,632 --> 00:19:29,162
His smile makes me smile!
478
00:19:35,132 --> 00:19:37,801
Damn it!
479
00:19:37,802 --> 00:19:38,602
Dad!
480
00:19:38,603 --> 00:19:39,972
Steve!
481
00:19:41,942 --> 00:19:43,711
No!
482
00:19:43,712 --> 00:19:46,142
You sissies ruined everything!
483
00:19:50,352 --> 00:19:52,922
Hey, I found a secret way out.
484
00:19:56,352 --> 00:19:58,221
No! I'm trapped!
485
00:19:58,222 --> 00:19:59,861
Don't leave me here with...
486
00:19:59,862 --> 00:20:01,791
Mary Tyler Moore's dress?
487
00:20:01,792 --> 00:20:03,592
What does this have to do
with sports?
488
00:20:03,602 --> 00:20:06,601
People magazine once described
"The Mary Tyler Moore Show"
489
00:20:06,602 --> 00:20:08,402
as a home run.
490
00:20:11,972 --> 00:20:14,602
The trick is to never look down.
491
00:20:14,612 --> 00:20:15,871
The minute you stop and think
492
00:20:15,872 --> 00:20:18,441
about what you're climbing,
you're dead.
493
00:20:18,442 --> 00:20:20,241
You're the man!
494
00:20:20,242 --> 00:20:23,612
Stan, Steve thinks
he's a climber now.
495
00:20:23,622 --> 00:20:26,221
Do you think that?
496
00:20:26,222 --> 00:20:27,721
I sure do!
497
00:20:27,722 --> 00:20:30,251
Figuratively climbing out of
your own subconscious
498
00:20:30,252 --> 00:20:33,722
and real mountain climbing
are basically the same!
499
00:20:33,732 --> 00:20:36,431
You're a good boy.
500
00:20:36,432 --> 00:20:39,661
I really appreciate how you've
turned over this new leaf.
501
00:20:39,662 --> 00:20:42,001
Gotta break the Smith family cycle.
502
00:20:42,002 --> 00:20:45,541
I'm not gonna waste my only shot
at being a great dad.
503
00:20:45,542 --> 00:20:46,601
We're back!
504
00:20:46,602 --> 00:20:48,071
Hayley! Good news!
505
00:20:48,072 --> 00:20:50,211
I decided to be a good dad...
506
00:20:50,212 --> 00:20:51,111
to Steve.
507
00:20:51,112 --> 00:20:53,311
Great. What else did we miss?
508
00:20:53,312 --> 00:20:54,842
Oh, so much!
509
00:20:54,852 --> 00:20:58,281
Steve made love to an old lady,
probably.
510
00:20:58,282 --> 00:21:00,152
Bye! Have a beautiful time!