1
00:00:02,002 --> 00:00:03,371
[ Circus music playing ]

2
00:00:03,404 --> 00:00:05,839
I can't believe you like this.

3
00:00:05,873 --> 00:00:08,342
Kiddie Wonderland is pretty lame
for a ninth grader.

4
00:00:08,376 --> 00:00:09,577
Yeah.

5
00:00:09,610 --> 00:00:11,512
I was 5 when I asked you
to take me,

6
00:00:11,545 --> 00:00:13,414
and you've been
putting it off ever since.

7
00:00:13,447 --> 00:00:14,982
Still. Pretty lame.

8
00:00:15,015 --> 00:00:16,217
[ Cellphone vibrates ]

9
00:00:16,250 --> 00:00:17,651
Hmm.
Might be work.

10
00:00:17,685 --> 00:00:20,088
You can't take work calls
on father-son day.

11
00:00:20,121 --> 00:00:22,856
Steve, you're forgetting
that work is my other son.

12
00:00:22,890 --> 00:00:25,593
Be a father to your job.
That's an expression.

13
00:00:25,626 --> 00:00:28,329
Yello?
In the flesh.

14
00:00:28,362 --> 00:00:30,030
Ex-squeeze me?

15
00:00:30,064 --> 00:00:31,199
Be right there.

16
00:00:31,232 --> 00:00:32,766
[ Cellphone beeps ]

17
00:00:34,102 --> 00:00:36,036
I thought you were
focusing on me today?

18
00:00:36,070 --> 00:00:37,037
No.

19
00:00:37,071 --> 00:00:39,407
"Paw Patrol," my man!

20
00:00:43,377 --> 00:00:45,879
* Good morning, U.S.A.

21
00:00:45,913 --> 00:00:49,717
* I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day *

22
00:00:49,750 --> 00:00:52,853
* The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face *

23
00:00:52,886 --> 00:00:57,258
* And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race *

24
00:00:59,093 --> 00:01:02,530
* Oh, boy, it's swell to say

25
00:01:02,563 --> 00:01:04,965
* Good --
* Good morning, U.S.A.

26
00:01:04,998 --> 00:01:06,066
Aah!

27
00:01:07,401 --> 00:01:10,704
* Good morning, U.S.A.

28
00:01:10,738 --> 00:01:12,206
Jeff: Babe?

29
00:01:12,240 --> 00:01:14,142
Babe!

30
00:01:14,175 --> 00:01:16,644
Now, what is
all this commotion?

31
00:01:16,677 --> 00:01:17,978
My head's stuck.

32
00:01:18,011 --> 00:01:20,614
Jeff, on the day of my big
cat adoption,

33
00:01:20,648 --> 00:01:22,616
you get your head
stuck in the banister?

34
00:01:22,650 --> 00:01:24,552
You're not the only one
with plans.

35
00:01:24,585 --> 00:01:27,155
I have a huge
prostate exam today.

36
00:01:27,188 --> 00:01:28,456
You do?

37
00:01:28,489 --> 00:01:30,291
Yeah, I've been
cramming all week!

38
00:01:30,324 --> 00:01:31,625
[ Grunting ]

39
00:01:31,659 --> 00:01:34,628
This. This is why humans
need whiskers.

40
00:01:34,662 --> 00:01:37,598
Whiskers give cats
crazy spatial deets.

41
00:01:37,631 --> 00:01:38,732
Cats are like,

42
00:01:38,766 --> 00:01:41,835
"Will my head fit?"

43
00:01:41,869 --> 00:01:42,836
Oh, no.

44
00:01:42,870 --> 00:01:44,138
Mom!

45
00:01:44,172 --> 00:01:47,141
Now, what is
all this commotion?

46
00:01:47,175 --> 00:01:49,810
I'm prepping for my big
job interview.

47
00:01:49,843 --> 00:01:52,480
Look what you made me do!

48
00:01:52,513 --> 00:01:54,748
Hey!
Banister party.

49
00:01:54,782 --> 00:01:56,484
Why are we
doing this?

50
00:01:56,517 --> 00:01:58,352
Klaus, you got to get us
out of here.

51
00:01:58,386 --> 00:02:00,120
We all have big plans today.

52
00:02:00,154 --> 00:02:03,191
Hmm, do you now?

53
00:02:03,224 --> 00:02:05,993
I have big plans myself.

54
00:02:06,026 --> 00:02:08,662
I plan on watching you helpless
losers struggle

55
00:02:08,696 --> 00:02:11,499
while I enjoy
these Teddy Grahams.

56
00:02:11,532 --> 00:02:13,634
[ Groaning ]

57
00:02:13,667 --> 00:02:16,170
But lucky for you,
gracious Klaus

58
00:02:16,204 --> 00:02:18,939
is always ready
to strike a deal.

59
00:02:18,972 --> 00:02:21,309
You open these grahams,
and I...

60
00:02:21,342 --> 00:02:22,376
Get us out.
Deal.

61
00:02:22,410 --> 00:02:23,977
I can't open
Tupperware.

62
00:02:24,011 --> 00:02:26,280
How can I free you
from a banister?

63
00:02:26,314 --> 00:02:31,319
But I do have a telescoping
driving cane and a Saturn,

64
00:02:31,352 --> 00:02:33,521
so I'll bring
your plans to you.

65
00:02:33,554 --> 00:02:34,888
Later, skaters!

66
00:02:41,429 --> 00:02:44,131
So what, I'm supposed to sit
at your desk all day?

67
00:02:44,164 --> 00:02:45,799
You're in
an office, dude.

68
00:02:45,833 --> 00:02:48,669
The world is your
oyster.

69
00:02:48,702 --> 00:02:51,639
Hey, could you fire off a couple
e-mails, make me look busy?

70
00:02:51,672 --> 00:02:53,040
Okay.

71
00:02:53,073 --> 00:02:55,142
We have orders to eliminate
the head

72
00:02:55,175 --> 00:02:57,745
of North Korea's
nuclear program.

73
00:02:57,778 --> 00:02:59,713
This is General Kim.

74
00:02:59,747 --> 00:03:02,416
His anti-Western sentiments
run deep.

75
00:03:02,450 --> 00:03:05,553
Every year, our target attends
an international

76
00:03:05,586 --> 00:03:08,356
video game tournament
in Hong Kong.

77
00:03:08,389 --> 00:03:11,225
He is a massive e-sports fan.

78
00:03:11,259 --> 00:03:13,026
The only time he leaves
the security

79
00:03:13,060 --> 00:03:16,864
of his underground bunker
is to attend the final match.

80
00:03:16,897 --> 00:03:20,000
That's kind of a poser move,
just showing up for the finals.

81
00:03:20,033 --> 00:03:22,002
He's a total poser!

82
00:03:22,035 --> 00:03:24,405
That's the main reason
we're killing him!

83
00:03:24,438 --> 00:03:27,908
Plus he wants to nuke us
all to kingdom come.

84
00:03:27,941 --> 00:03:30,844
That's why you're
all going undercover.

85
00:03:30,878 --> 00:03:33,180
As what?
His five gay dads?

86
00:03:33,213 --> 00:03:35,716
As teenage gamers.

87
00:03:35,749 --> 00:03:38,519
You'll fly to China,
as teenagers do.

88
00:03:38,552 --> 00:03:39,887
Then you'll attend
the tournament's

89
00:03:39,920 --> 00:03:42,022
opening ice cream social.

90
00:03:42,055 --> 00:03:44,024
Oh, wow!
Chinese ice cream?

91
00:03:44,057 --> 00:03:46,527
-Oh, yeah!
-I like this.

92
00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:49,863
I'll allow this murmuring
because Chinese ice cream

93
00:03:49,897 --> 00:03:52,733
is unsurpassed
in the world of desserts.

94
00:03:52,766 --> 00:03:55,303
The next step will be
to qualify for the finals.

95
00:03:55,336 --> 00:03:58,272
That's when Smith
will eliminate General Kim.

96
00:03:58,306 --> 00:03:59,907
But none of us
play video games.

97
00:03:59,940 --> 00:04:01,141
You do now!

98
00:04:01,174 --> 00:04:03,944
This is the game --
"Overwatch."

99
00:04:03,977 --> 00:04:05,946
This is a vape pen.

100
00:04:05,979 --> 00:04:10,150
This is a shitload
of mango vape juice.

101
00:04:10,183 --> 00:04:14,187
Master these things,
or the world will end.

102
00:04:15,155 --> 00:04:17,325
My main man, Steve-o.

103
00:04:17,358 --> 00:04:20,328
The boys and I need some help,
and you're just the guy.

104
00:04:20,361 --> 00:04:22,095
Pound it.

105
00:04:22,129 --> 00:04:24,598
I was so bored I slipped
into a meditative state

106
00:04:24,632 --> 00:04:26,166
and had a breakthrough.

107
00:04:26,199 --> 00:04:28,101
I realized your inability
to be present with me

108
00:04:28,135 --> 00:04:30,404
created a nasty cycle
that explains

109
00:04:30,438 --> 00:04:32,740
my anxiety,
compulsions, guilt.

110
00:04:32,773 --> 00:04:34,908
Virgin, bad at sports,
bad style.

111
00:04:34,942 --> 00:04:36,410
Yes, okay, yes.

112
00:04:36,444 --> 00:04:39,413
But a weight has lifted,
and I'm starting fresh.

113
00:04:39,447 --> 00:04:42,816
You live your life.
I'll live mine.

114
00:04:42,850 --> 00:04:44,017
Want to play video games
with me?

115
00:04:44,051 --> 00:04:45,953
More than
anything, Dad!

116
00:04:48,489 --> 00:04:51,959
[ Chuckles ]
Cats are cute as hell.

117
00:04:51,992 --> 00:04:53,627
If I can have you fill out
an application.

118
00:04:53,661 --> 00:04:55,963
For a cat?
I know what I'm doing, girl.

119
00:04:55,996 --> 00:04:57,331
I got damn near 50.

120
00:04:57,365 --> 00:04:58,799
50 cats?

121
00:04:58,832 --> 00:05:00,634
At first, I thought
they were Pokémon,

122
00:05:00,668 --> 00:05:02,636
so I captured every one
I could find,

123
00:05:02,670 --> 00:05:05,172
but when I forced them
into battle, I was arrested.

124
00:05:05,205 --> 00:05:06,840
In prison, I did nothing
but miss

125
00:05:06,874 --> 00:05:09,209
what I now
realize were cats.

126
00:05:09,242 --> 00:05:10,210
All aboard!

127
00:05:10,243 --> 00:05:11,311
[ Cats yowling ]

128
00:05:16,216 --> 00:05:18,619
Good counterattack, Dick.

129
00:05:18,652 --> 00:05:20,388
Nice positioning, Hooper.

130
00:05:20,421 --> 00:05:21,855
Dad, heal our tanks!

131
00:05:21,889 --> 00:05:23,223
What the who now?

132
00:05:23,256 --> 00:05:24,558
You don't know the words
"heal" or "tanks"?

133
00:05:24,592 --> 00:05:25,859
I know tanks.

134
00:05:25,893 --> 00:05:27,728
You see me rock tanks
all summer long.

135
00:05:27,761 --> 00:05:29,763
Bullock:
Smith, my office!

136
00:05:31,365 --> 00:05:32,466
I'm worried.

137
00:05:32,500 --> 00:05:34,968
The mission requires
elite skills,

138
00:05:35,002 --> 00:05:37,304
and you guys are being powned
by every Torb,

139
00:05:37,337 --> 00:05:39,673
Doom, and Hammond
this side of the server.

140
00:05:39,707 --> 00:05:42,410
Are those
Puerto Rican slurs?

141
00:05:42,443 --> 00:05:44,512
They're characters
in the game!

142
00:05:44,545 --> 00:05:46,680
At this rate,
North Korea will teabag

143
00:05:46,714 --> 00:05:48,248
the entire
western hemisphere.

144
00:05:48,281 --> 00:05:49,583
What do you suggest?

145
00:05:49,617 --> 00:05:52,085
Steve's carrying
your whole team.

146
00:05:52,119 --> 00:05:53,921
He's like LeBron James,

147
00:05:53,954 --> 00:05:57,391
the actor who single handedly
saved the movie "Trainwreck."

148
00:05:57,425 --> 00:06:01,061
Make Steve a player/coach
and bring him to China.

149
00:06:01,094 --> 00:06:02,362
I-I can't do that.

150
00:06:02,396 --> 00:06:03,764
He thinks this is
father-son time,

151
00:06:03,797 --> 00:06:04,998
and he'll freak out
if he finds out

152
00:06:05,032 --> 00:06:06,266
it's actually work again.

153
00:06:06,299 --> 00:06:07,701
Don't tell him.

154
00:06:07,735 --> 00:06:09,336
Keep him in the dark.

155
00:06:09,369 --> 00:06:11,739
Unless you're afraid
of the dark.

156
00:06:11,772 --> 00:06:15,108
Actually I'm afraid of
the light because under it,

157
00:06:15,142 --> 00:06:17,344
all of my flaws
become visible.

158
00:06:17,377 --> 00:06:18,846
Interesting.

159
00:06:18,879 --> 00:06:20,414
I'm afraid of a woman

160
00:06:20,448 --> 00:06:22,550
named Nancy that lives
on my street.

161
00:06:22,583 --> 00:06:25,719
She has a baby carriage
full of books,

162
00:06:25,753 --> 00:06:28,889
and I can't
figure out why!

163
00:06:33,661 --> 00:06:36,864
Get that shield up,
Jackson!

164
00:06:36,897 --> 00:06:38,265
Hold on.

165
00:06:38,298 --> 00:06:39,767
If we're going to pass
as teenage gamers,

166
00:06:39,800 --> 00:06:41,635
I got to learn
how to vape.

167
00:06:43,270 --> 00:06:44,572
[ Inhales ]

168
00:06:44,605 --> 00:06:47,040
Do I look cool?
Hey, guys.

169
00:06:47,074 --> 00:06:49,910
Let's start up again in
10 to discuss counterattacks.

170
00:06:49,943 --> 00:06:51,645
Steve, what
am I doing wrong?

171
00:06:51,679 --> 00:06:53,246
You're splitting focus.

172
00:06:53,280 --> 00:06:55,415
Your character
is a powerful healer,

173
00:06:55,449 --> 00:06:57,050
but you're trying
to make her a warrior.

174
00:06:57,084 --> 00:06:58,786
It's like when you're
hanging out with me,

175
00:06:58,819 --> 00:06:59,987
but your mind's on work.

176
00:07:00,020 --> 00:07:02,756
That's being
a not so nice papa.

177
00:07:02,790 --> 00:07:04,157
But look at you now.

178
00:07:04,191 --> 00:07:06,126
You're totally
focusing on me,

179
00:07:06,159 --> 00:07:08,829
blowing off work
and taking me to China.

180
00:07:08,862 --> 00:07:10,764
Yes, that's totally
what this is.

181
00:07:10,798 --> 00:07:12,099
Which is great.

182
00:07:12,132 --> 00:07:16,604
So take that focus, huh,
and put it in there.

183
00:07:16,637 --> 00:07:17,838
Ah.

184
00:07:17,871 --> 00:07:18,972
Jackson:
Check it out, boys.

185
00:07:19,006 --> 00:07:20,407
I think I finally got
the hang

186
00:07:20,440 --> 00:07:22,242
of this whole
vaping thing.

187
00:07:22,275 --> 00:07:23,977
[ Inhales ]

188
00:07:27,280 --> 00:07:28,816
[ Inhales ]

189
00:07:28,849 --> 00:07:29,917
[ Swallows ]

190
00:07:29,950 --> 00:07:31,451
[ Farts ]

191
00:07:31,485 --> 00:07:32,920
[ Ding! ]

192
00:07:32,953 --> 00:07:35,989
[ Applause, laughter ]

193
00:07:42,029 --> 00:07:43,363
Good evening, my dude.

194
00:07:43,396 --> 00:07:45,032
I hope we're at
the ice cream social

195
00:07:45,065 --> 00:07:48,468
'cause we finna
to get our scoop on.

196
00:07:48,502 --> 00:07:50,303
Dab, guys, dab.

197
00:07:53,707 --> 00:07:55,275
[ Indistinct chatter ]

198
00:07:55,308 --> 00:07:57,044
Look at
all the toppings.

199
00:07:57,077 --> 00:07:59,547
Whoa! There's a guy
by the waffle cones

200
00:07:59,580 --> 00:08:01,348
who looks just like
Allen Iverson.

201
00:08:01,381 --> 00:08:04,217
That's because I am
Allen Iverson.

202
00:08:04,251 --> 00:08:05,819
Why am I here?

203
00:08:05,853 --> 00:08:07,320
If I'm being honest,
it's because the best

204
00:08:07,354 --> 00:08:09,657
pound for pound
scorer in basketball history

205
00:08:09,690 --> 00:08:11,224
deserves the best pound
for pound ice cream

206
00:08:11,258 --> 00:08:13,293
on planet Earth.

207
00:08:13,326 --> 00:08:14,427
[ Ding! ]

208
00:08:16,997 --> 00:08:18,666
[ Straining ]

209
00:08:18,699 --> 00:08:22,402
Well, it's official.
That's a butt hole.

210
00:08:22,435 --> 00:08:24,004
O -- okay.

211
00:08:24,037 --> 00:08:27,307
Uh, Francine, where do you
see yourself in five years?

212
00:08:27,340 --> 00:08:29,643
Out of this banister.
I can tell you that much.

213
00:08:29,677 --> 00:08:30,911
Dang, Franny!

214
00:08:30,944 --> 00:08:33,013
You're crushing
this interview.

215
00:08:33,046 --> 00:08:34,247
[ Knock on door ]

216
00:08:34,281 --> 00:08:36,750
I'm gonna need more cats.

217
00:08:36,784 --> 00:08:38,652
Welcome to China!

218
00:08:38,686 --> 00:08:42,189
Home of one big wall,
billions of regular sized walls,

219
00:08:42,222 --> 00:08:45,593
and this year's
"Overwatch" Invitational.

220
00:08:45,626 --> 00:08:47,260
We are underway.

221
00:08:47,294 --> 00:08:49,697
The Americans come out
with three tank heroes,

222
00:08:49,730 --> 00:08:53,100
sacrificing
speed for armor.

223
00:08:53,133 --> 00:08:57,537
They must be drawing inspiration
from the American Bison,

224
00:08:57,571 --> 00:08:58,772
their bulkiest
indigenous mammal.

225
00:08:58,806 --> 00:09:00,107
Watch out!

226
00:09:00,140 --> 00:09:03,210
Here comes a flank
from Team Canada!

227
00:09:03,243 --> 00:09:04,344
It's an ambush.

228
00:09:04,377 --> 00:09:05,512
Stan, I need healing.

229
00:09:05,545 --> 00:09:06,780
I'm following Hooper.

230
00:09:06,814 --> 00:09:08,649
I thought
I was following you!

231
00:09:10,217 --> 00:09:14,387
Adam: The entire US team
just walked off a cliff.

232
00:09:15,656 --> 00:09:18,291
Perhaps a new strategy
we haven't seen?

233
00:09:18,325 --> 00:09:19,793
Ward: Nope.
Just really bad.

234
00:09:19,827 --> 00:09:21,795
I think their strategy
was to be good,

235
00:09:21,829 --> 00:09:23,964
but they didn't
execute.

236
00:09:25,465 --> 00:09:27,034
What you want an autograph
or something, kid?

237
00:09:27,067 --> 00:09:30,070
Yeah. You can sign it
on my dick.

238
00:09:30,103 --> 00:09:31,371
All: Dr. Weitzman?

239
00:09:31,404 --> 00:09:34,608
What up?!
It's me, Dr. Dubbs!

240
00:09:34,642 --> 00:09:36,143
I'm on a mission, too.

241
00:09:36,176 --> 00:09:38,411
After the ice cream social,
I followed a group

242
00:09:38,445 --> 00:09:41,381
of young Korean boys
to their hotel room...

243
00:09:41,414 --> 00:09:43,717
Uh...

244
00:09:43,751 --> 00:09:45,418
...where I extracted
their stem cells.

245
00:09:45,452 --> 00:09:46,887
I modified the DNA
to give you all

246
00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:48,288
super-human
reaction time.

247
00:09:49,957 --> 00:09:52,259
Okay, men.
It's double elimination.

248
00:09:52,292 --> 00:09:53,894
We can still
reach the finals.

249
00:09:53,927 --> 00:09:55,963
Dad, why is there a syringe
in your brain?

250
00:09:55,996 --> 00:09:58,398
Uh -- uh,
I was getting brain freeze

251
00:09:58,431 --> 00:10:00,133
from all the ice cream
we've been eating.

252
00:10:00,167 --> 00:10:02,502
This is
brain antifreeze.

253
00:10:05,706 --> 00:10:07,641
Smart.

254
00:10:07,675 --> 00:10:10,343
All right.
Let's break down some film.

255
00:10:10,377 --> 00:10:11,578
[ Cheering ]

256
00:10:11,611 --> 00:10:13,246
Adam: America will
start ironically

257
00:10:13,280 --> 00:10:16,784
defending their own home turf
against Team Vietnam.

258
00:10:16,817 --> 00:10:18,351
Reaper behind us.

259
00:10:20,487 --> 00:10:22,522
I wouldn't worry
about him anymore.

260
00:10:22,555 --> 00:10:24,992
A clutch head shot
ends the attack.

261
00:10:25,025 --> 00:10:28,328
America off
to a hot start.

262
00:10:28,361 --> 00:10:30,163
Cover me.
I'm going after Tracer.

263
00:10:30,197 --> 00:10:32,632
No, you're splitting focus.
I need healing.

264
00:10:32,666 --> 00:10:34,467
They're stacking
ultimates.

265
00:10:36,904 --> 00:10:38,538
I'm dead.

266
00:10:40,140 --> 00:10:42,442
I'm dead.

267
00:10:42,475 --> 00:10:44,812
Adam: And down
goes GorillaAnitaSmith.

268
00:10:44,845 --> 00:10:46,346
Hold on, son.

269
00:10:46,379 --> 00:10:47,614
But what's this?

270
00:10:47,647 --> 00:10:49,149
StanLovesHam is bringing

271
00:10:49,182 --> 00:10:51,318
GorillaAnitaSmith
back to life.

272
00:10:51,351 --> 00:10:53,453
Ward:
Incredible focus!

273
00:10:53,486 --> 00:10:55,122
Like when a friend
gives you an Adderall

274
00:10:55,155 --> 00:10:57,457
and you read about whales
for three weeks straight!

275
00:10:57,490 --> 00:10:59,793
Easter Sunday!

276
00:10:59,827 --> 00:11:04,131
StanLovesHam is resurrecting
GorillaAnitaSmith like a, uh,

277
00:11:04,164 --> 00:11:05,999
Christ, I'm blanking here.

278
00:11:06,033 --> 00:11:08,635
I've heard about fathers
giving life to sons,

279
00:11:08,668 --> 00:11:10,871
but this is
ridiculous!

280
00:11:10,904 --> 00:11:12,740
I love you, Ward.

281
00:11:12,773 --> 00:11:15,843
It's over.
America advances.

282
00:11:15,876 --> 00:11:20,347
[ Cheering ]

283
00:11:20,380 --> 00:11:25,318
[ Chanting "USA, USA!" ]

284
00:11:25,352 --> 00:11:29,189
**

285
00:11:32,760 --> 00:11:35,328
[ Groans ] What?

286
00:11:35,362 --> 00:11:36,730
Oh, my God!

287
00:11:36,764 --> 00:11:40,100
Dad, the finals
are in 20 minutes. Dad?

288
00:11:40,133 --> 00:11:41,434
Dick, when
the match starts,

289
00:11:41,468 --> 00:11:43,003
go to the head official
and forfeit.

290
00:11:43,036 --> 00:11:45,205
Jackson, you make sure
this turns into a riot.

291
00:11:45,238 --> 00:11:47,374
No problem.
You're talking to the guy

292
00:11:47,407 --> 00:11:49,376
who started
the Kent State massacre.

293
00:11:49,409 --> 00:11:52,012
Holy shit, Jackson!
How old were you? Like 2?

294
00:11:52,045 --> 00:11:53,413
Not that one,
dumbass.

295
00:11:53,446 --> 00:11:55,615
The one where
they beat Hofstra 42-7

296
00:11:55,648 --> 00:11:57,384
in the Capital Tire Bowl.

297
00:11:57,417 --> 00:11:59,853
In the ensuing confusion,
I'll assassinate the general.

298
00:11:59,887 --> 00:12:00,888
[ Gasping ]

299
00:12:00,921 --> 00:12:02,355
What? Oh, God.

300
00:12:02,389 --> 00:12:05,625
The general is standing
right behind me, isn't he?

301
00:12:05,658 --> 00:12:06,927
Oh, phew.

302
00:12:06,960 --> 00:12:08,428
It's just a betrayed kid.

303
00:12:08,461 --> 00:12:10,063
Please tell me you're
all wearing black

304
00:12:10,097 --> 00:12:11,598
because you felt bloated,

305
00:12:11,631 --> 00:12:13,733
and you wanted to appear slim
for the finals.

306
00:12:13,767 --> 00:12:16,203
Steve, I'm sorry.

307
00:12:16,236 --> 00:12:18,105
This wasn't
a father-son trip.

308
00:12:18,138 --> 00:12:19,572
This was a work trip.

309
00:12:19,606 --> 00:12:21,074
I'm so stupid.

310
00:12:21,108 --> 00:12:23,476
It'd take a miracle for you
to focus on me.

311
00:12:23,510 --> 00:12:26,579
Well, before we fly home
and never talk to each other

312
00:12:26,613 --> 00:12:30,050
again, let's at least
go win this tournament.

313
00:12:30,083 --> 00:12:32,485
All: Uh...

314
00:12:32,519 --> 00:12:34,121
What?

315
00:12:34,154 --> 00:12:35,823
The general is standing
right behind me, isn't he?

316
00:12:35,856 --> 00:12:37,324
We're not playing
in the finals

317
00:12:37,357 --> 00:12:39,559
because the mission
is during the match.

318
00:12:39,592 --> 00:12:42,495
[ Laughs ]
Oh, that's rich.

319
00:12:42,529 --> 00:12:45,598
That is just
so fricking rich.

320
00:12:47,000 --> 00:12:48,635
That was
my travel lamp.

321
00:12:48,668 --> 00:12:50,503
I expected
this out of him.

322
00:12:50,537 --> 00:12:52,840
But you guys?
You could have won this.

323
00:12:52,873 --> 00:12:54,407
You could have
been champions.

324
00:12:54,441 --> 00:12:56,009
Or does that not
interest you

325
00:12:56,043 --> 00:12:58,745
because you're all
such huge winners?

326
00:12:58,778 --> 00:13:01,248
Dick, you're a winner.
Tell me what you've won.

327
00:13:01,281 --> 00:13:05,785
I won smallest penis
at my Divorced Men's Retreat.

328
00:13:07,620 --> 00:13:09,289
That's what I thought.

329
00:13:09,322 --> 00:13:12,092
You're a bunch of losers.
You're a loser.

330
00:13:12,125 --> 00:13:15,128
You're a loser.
You're a loser.

331
00:13:15,162 --> 00:13:17,630
You won a very bad prize.

332
00:13:17,664 --> 00:13:20,100
You're a loser.
And I'm the biggest loser

333
00:13:20,133 --> 00:13:23,103
for ever believing
in any of you!

334
00:13:23,136 --> 00:13:24,671
[ Door slams ]

335
00:13:24,704 --> 00:13:25,873
That was harsh.

336
00:13:25,906 --> 00:13:28,108
Maybe Coach Steve
has a point.

337
00:13:28,141 --> 00:13:30,277
I mean, maybe we could
win this thing.

338
00:13:30,310 --> 00:13:31,444
What about the mission?

339
00:13:31,478 --> 00:13:33,280
All right.
Here's the play.

340
00:13:33,313 --> 00:13:36,316
We win the finals
and complete the mission.

341
00:13:36,349 --> 00:13:39,987
Isn't that what Coach Steve
would call splitting focus?

342
00:13:40,020 --> 00:13:42,222
Uh, no.

343
00:13:42,255 --> 00:13:45,192
Adam:
Team USA is getting killed.

344
00:13:45,225 --> 00:13:47,627
I haven't seen a slaughter
like this since

345
00:13:47,660 --> 00:13:50,130
the bison were hunted
to near extinction

346
00:13:50,163 --> 00:13:53,000
on the Great Plains
of America.

347
00:13:53,033 --> 00:13:54,968
Stan, where are you?
I need healing.

348
00:13:55,002 --> 00:13:56,669
Uh, I'm busy.

349
00:13:56,703 --> 00:13:59,239
Uh-oh,
I've seen this before.

350
00:13:59,272 --> 00:14:01,841
Classic split focus.

351
00:14:07,180 --> 00:14:10,183
[ Gasping, screaming ]

352
00:14:10,217 --> 00:14:12,585
Welp, here come the nukes.

353
00:14:12,619 --> 00:14:14,888
[ Beep ]
Attention, all employees,

354
00:14:14,922 --> 00:14:16,656
I have announcement.

355
00:14:16,689 --> 00:14:19,192
In 5 minutes,
you will be skeletons.

356
00:14:19,226 --> 00:14:20,260
[ Gasps ]

357
00:14:22,362 --> 00:14:23,897
You can't pick me up
from the airport

358
00:14:23,931 --> 00:14:26,499
because you're stuck
in a banister?

359
00:14:26,533 --> 00:14:28,235
Yeah, no, ask Klaus.

360
00:14:28,268 --> 00:14:30,870
For coach.
Dad?

361
00:14:30,904 --> 00:14:32,239
Runner up?

362
00:14:32,272 --> 00:14:34,041
So you did play
in the finals?

363
00:14:34,074 --> 00:14:35,442
We got destroyed.

364
00:14:35,475 --> 00:14:37,244
Dick accidentally pushed
a weird button,

365
00:14:37,277 --> 00:14:38,878
and we got stuck
in the options menu.

366
00:14:38,912 --> 00:14:40,447
[ Cellphone vibrates ]

367
00:14:40,480 --> 00:14:41,915
Work call.
Got to take this.

368
00:14:41,949 --> 00:14:44,851
Smith, you idiot!
You blew the mission!

369
00:14:44,884 --> 00:14:47,587
At least I'm not blowing
my relationship with my son.

370
00:14:47,620 --> 00:14:49,422
You blew everyone's
relationship

371
00:14:49,456 --> 00:14:51,091
with everyone's son.

372
00:14:51,124 --> 00:14:53,593
General Kim launched
a nuclear attack,

373
00:14:53,626 --> 00:14:55,462
and we're retaliating.

374
00:14:55,495 --> 00:14:57,897
Mutually assured destruction!

375
00:14:57,931 --> 00:15:00,100
Mutually assured
destruction?

376
00:15:00,133 --> 00:15:01,935
Wasn't that supposed
to prevent nuclear war?

377
00:15:01,969 --> 00:15:06,106
No! That was you
with the video game!

378
00:15:06,139 --> 00:15:07,474
Dad?

379
00:15:07,507 --> 00:15:09,142
[ Siren wailing ]
Dad, look.

380
00:15:09,176 --> 00:15:12,612
The nuclear war is right
behind me, isn't it?

381
00:15:21,521 --> 00:15:24,457
[ Siren wailing ]

382
00:15:27,360 --> 00:15:29,596
[ Whirring ]

383
00:15:32,865 --> 00:15:34,334
[ Panting ]

384
00:15:34,634 --> 00:15:36,203
[ Both gasp ]

385
00:15:37,704 --> 00:15:39,906
Well, you held up
your end, Klaus.

386
00:15:39,939 --> 00:15:41,508
Let me open
those Teddy Grahams.

387
00:15:41,541 --> 00:15:42,609
[ Panting ]

388
00:15:42,642 --> 00:15:44,244
Did you hear
about the nukes?

389
00:15:44,277 --> 00:15:45,778
Tuttle, if you think
we're about

390
00:15:45,812 --> 00:15:47,080
to fall for one of
your demented pranks...

391
00:15:47,114 --> 00:15:48,748
[ Beep ]

392
00:15:48,781 --> 00:15:51,084
Memphis Stormfront:
Here's your 5-day forecast.

393
00:15:51,118 --> 00:15:52,752
We're looking at heavy dust
blocking out the sun

394
00:15:52,785 --> 00:15:55,688
and temperatures
hovering around negative-200.

395
00:15:55,722 --> 00:15:56,823
Brrr.

396
00:15:56,856 --> 00:15:58,325
What are we
gonna do?!

397
00:15:58,358 --> 00:16:03,330
Absolutely nothing until
I apologize to Tuttle.

398
00:16:03,363 --> 00:16:04,497
Tuttle...

399
00:16:04,531 --> 00:16:06,966
[ Explosion ]

400
00:16:09,969 --> 00:16:13,373
[ Explosion ]

401
00:16:19,912 --> 00:16:22,549
The world will end
in nuclear destruction,

402
00:16:22,582 --> 00:16:23,950
and it's all my fault.

403
00:16:23,983 --> 00:16:25,985
What a klutz.

404
00:16:26,019 --> 00:16:28,488
Well, this is it, huh?

405
00:16:28,521 --> 00:16:30,757
Yep.

406
00:16:32,692 --> 00:16:36,729
So, um, I'm thinking
about trying MeUndies.

407
00:16:39,766 --> 00:16:43,203
[ Rumbling ]

408
00:16:45,105 --> 00:16:52,112
**

409
00:16:53,913 --> 00:17:00,920
**

410
00:17:02,755 --> 00:17:03,823
[ Eagle screeches ]

411
00:17:03,856 --> 00:17:06,559
* Oh, yeah

412
00:17:06,593 --> 00:17:08,228
* Kick-start my heart again

413
00:17:10,763 --> 00:17:17,770
**

414
00:17:20,973 --> 00:17:27,980
**

415
00:17:31,218 --> 00:17:38,225
**

416
00:17:57,744 --> 00:18:01,448
What the hell is it?

417
00:18:01,481 --> 00:18:02,815
Ew!

418
00:18:02,849 --> 00:18:04,451
So tasty.

419
00:18:04,484 --> 00:18:07,454
Thomas, you can't just lick
everything that

420
00:18:07,487 --> 00:18:09,289
we find in space.

421
00:18:09,322 --> 00:18:11,924
Your wife doesn't
seem to mind.

422
00:18:11,958 --> 00:18:13,693
[ Laughs ]

423
00:18:14,927 --> 00:18:17,664
We must
tell the captain.

424
00:18:19,299 --> 00:18:22,635
Mmm! Mama mia.

425
00:18:22,669 --> 00:18:25,272
It's trajectory
and carbon dating

426
00:18:25,305 --> 00:18:29,309
put its source at a planet
in the Milky Way Galaxy.

427
00:18:29,342 --> 00:18:34,681
And its taste
is out of this world.

428
00:18:34,714 --> 00:18:36,216
Aah!

429
00:18:38,951 --> 00:18:41,821
Open a hailing frequency
to their planet at once.

430
00:18:41,854 --> 00:18:43,656
I can't.

431
00:18:43,690 --> 00:18:45,958
They had
an extinction event

432
00:18:45,992 --> 00:18:48,295
long before
our species existed.

433
00:18:48,328 --> 00:18:50,062
Oh, dear.

434
00:18:51,564 --> 00:18:54,201
This artifact was surely
an attempt

435
00:18:54,234 --> 00:18:55,802
to preserve
their culture.

436
00:18:55,835 --> 00:18:57,370
Hm.

437
00:18:57,404 --> 00:19:00,773
Can you produce more of
this delicious dessert?

438
00:19:00,807 --> 00:19:03,810
Yes, but the only way
to recreate it

439
00:19:03,843 --> 00:19:07,113
is to recreate
the planet and wait.

440
00:19:07,146 --> 00:19:09,849
[ Beeping ]

441
00:19:09,882 --> 00:19:16,889
**

442
00:19:18,325 --> 00:19:25,332
**

443
00:19:26,733 --> 00:19:31,671
[ Printing ]

444
00:19:34,106 --> 00:19:37,210
[ Circus music playing ]

445
00:19:37,244 --> 00:19:38,245
[ Cellphone vibrates ]

446
00:19:38,278 --> 00:19:39,712
Hm, might be work.

447
00:19:39,746 --> 00:19:41,814
You can't take work calls
on father-son day.

448
00:19:41,848 --> 00:19:44,551
Steve, you're forgetting
that work is my other son.

449
00:19:44,584 --> 00:19:46,486
Be a father
to your job.

450
00:19:46,519 --> 00:19:49,589
[ Laughs ] That's --
That's not an expression.

451
00:19:49,622 --> 00:19:53,393
You're -- you're joking
with -- with me?

452
00:19:53,426 --> 00:19:54,994
Yeah.
It's our day.

453
00:19:55,027 --> 00:19:57,163
I'm focusing on you.

454
00:19:57,196 --> 00:19:58,765
This feels strange.

455
00:19:59,932 --> 00:20:01,434
Bill Nye: All great
scientific theories

456
00:20:01,468 --> 00:20:03,536
have their "eureka" moment.

457
00:20:03,570 --> 00:20:05,572
Like Einstein seeing
the clock tower

458
00:20:05,605 --> 00:20:08,908
from a moving street car
gave him "E equals MC squared",

459
00:20:08,941 --> 00:20:11,244
which I think we can all agree
is a pretty cool one.

460
00:20:11,278 --> 00:20:13,913
Hey!

461
00:20:13,946 --> 00:20:17,183
Stan's unexpected hug
on a kiddie coaster gave birth

462
00:20:17,216 --> 00:20:20,953
to Steve's theory that we are
living in a synthesized reality.

463
00:20:20,987 --> 00:20:22,555
He spent the rest of his life

464
00:20:22,589 --> 00:20:24,924
trying to prove
his simulation theory,

465
00:20:24,957 --> 00:20:27,427
or "ice creamulation" theory,

466
00:20:27,460 --> 00:20:29,596
as it was called
by his detractors,

467
00:20:29,629 --> 00:20:32,064
of which I am
the primary one.

468
00:20:32,098 --> 00:20:34,701
[ Munches, slurps ]

469
00:20:34,734 --> 00:20:35,802
Mmm!

470
00:20:35,835 --> 00:20:38,505
Science is bananas.

471
00:20:44,644 --> 00:20:47,614
So you see, as we approach
the speed of light,

472
00:20:47,647 --> 00:20:51,884
time slows down, the universe
expands around us to the point

473
00:20:51,918 --> 00:20:53,453
where almost
nothing makes sense.

474
00:20:53,486 --> 00:20:57,957
Uh, professor?
Does this theory of yours

475
00:20:57,990 --> 00:21:00,793
have anything to say
about banisters?

476
00:21:02,595 --> 00:21:04,331
Have a great night!