**
Well, it's official,
the golden age of television has begun.
"Step Brothers" is on every channel.
Help! Roger's trying to give me the bubonic plague!
Whoa, there. You're breaking two rules --
no weaponized plagues in the house
and no running on the stairs.
But if Steve isn't dying, the Make-A-Wish Foundation
won't let us meet The Weeknd.
What? You want to meet Saturday and Sunday?
No! The Weeknd is a singer!
It's true, Stan.
Listen to his hit song, "Starboy"!
[ The Weeknd's "Starboy" plays ]
* I'm tryna put you in the worst mood, ah *
Look at us.
Dancing, grooving, feeling it.
Also, The Weeknd's hot.
He's number one on my freebie list.
Those are the celebrities she's allowed to bone.
It's a long list, so number one is sayin' something.
He better drop six octaves if he wants to be on my radar.
And this, Roger.
This is one of the good syringes for company.
You know the rules! You have a rule for everything!
Because you need them. You can't control yourself.
I'll have you know, I had a salad for lunch.
Does that sound like someone
who can't control themselves? [ Knock on door ]
Bobby: Hey, Roger, it's me,
Bobby from Grubhub!
I got two full trays of meatballs
and a meatball sub, extra meatballs.
The note says, "Put a rush on it, I can't control myself."
Jesus Christ, Bobby.
[ Crying ]
Ha ha. [ Laughs ] Oh, this part's great.
[ Crying ]
**
* Good morning, U.S.A.
* I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day *
* The sun in the sky has a smile on his face *
* And he's shinin' a salute to the American race *
* Oh, boy, it's swell to say
* Good -- * Good morning, U.S.A.
Aah!
* Good morning, U.S.A.
**
[ Clears throat ] As you probably don't know,
I've been reading Alec Baldwin's book on parenting.
Go, Dad!
In it, Baldwin explains
a term called "teachable moments."
And that's why you kidnapped this guy?
Ya nailed it, babe.
[ Family gasps ]
The Weeknd!
Yo, where am I?
You're in a teachable moment, my man.
Oh, okay. Dope.
You're really here!
At our dinner table!
You could sneeze, and your boogers would land on my food!
-Bro. -Mister The Weeknd,
Oh, my God, I am literally your biggest fan.
Parties, drugs, supermodels.
You've inspired me to hate my boring life.
You've turned me against my family.
Thank you.
And how did this miracle happen, Roger?
Not by breaking the rules, but by following the rules --
with government-sanctioned abductions and C.I.A. clearance.
[ Chuckles ] I-I thought you were gonna murder me.
[ Laughter ]
Silly Weeknd!
Dang, this family vibe is refreshing as hell.
More like boring as hell.
More like hell nah.
Honestly, I miss being around
boring people like this family.
Together: Aww!
This lasagna's delicious. No, it's not!
Roger. Attitude.
When my lame-ass chefs make lasagna,
it's all the same temperature.
I never get to crack a tooth on a frozen noodle
while burning my tongue on beef sauce.
[ Laughing ] Oh, Weeknd!
My secret?
I microwave it for 30 seconds,
then turn it, and microwave it for 15 minutes.
May I please have some more?
What's happening? You're a Starboy.
Starboys don't eat lasagna.
Starboys get all their nutrients from eating [bleep]
Too far, Roger!
Go to your room, and don't come down until I say so!
Aah! Oh, no!
Some of that lasagna got on my pants.
I better take them off and stand in my underwear
in front of The Weeknd.
I'm gonna make you come...pletely clean
in the pants region.
* Mmmm!
* Because I really like lasagna! *
You call this clean?
**
Roger, are you ready to come down and apologize?
The Weeknd's telling us what it's like to ride
the Matterhorn all by himself!
Roger, I told you to stay in the attic.
I don't have to! For your information,
Tuttle stole antibiotics from his mom,
and we're gonna feed them to sharks.
Oh, no, you're not gonna feed them to sharks.
Ow! Ooooowwwwwwww!
[ Lock engages ] Hey, you can't lock up my clothes!
Then I can't go out! You're the idiot
who leaves all their clothes in one place.
I got shirts and underwear stashed all over this house.
You never know when somebody's gonna try to ground you.
Aah! I hate you!
Fine, but you're gonna hear me bowling all night!
[ Pins clatter ] 300!
I just rolled a perfect game, and nobody cares!
This family sucks!
**
Mom, there's something wrong with my water.
It's too clear. The Weeknd thought
it would be "dope" to fix the plumbing
so I don't have to get our water from Tuttle's pond anymore.
Well, I'm glad The Weeknd
snaked someone's plumbing.
She's sad because she blew her one shot
to sleep with The Weeknd.
I'm sad she's sad.
But I'm also not sad she didn't sleep with him.
Those are my two emotions, sad and not sad.
Will you please go tell Roger he can come down?
He's been such a quiet, good boy.
Huh. Must be an apology video.
If you're watching this video,
I've already switched places with The Weeknd.
Million on black, Leon.
And I'm enjoying his rule-free lifestyle.
And a million on red, Leon.
See, Stan, I wanted to show you
that I'd thrive without your stupid rules.
Leon: Double zero green!
There's green?!
Leon, don't tell me there's rules to this game.
Oh, what's this? Free buffet?
All you can eat. No rules.
Just how I like it.
[ Yawns ]
Morning, Stan.
I slept so well.
Mmm, incredible.
Where did you find a bed without girls in it?
**
You sure you don't want to play pinochle, The Weeknd?
No, you go ahead.
I've been so busy singing hit songs,
I never get to fold laundry anymore.
[ Sniffs ] I'm getting good.
Hey, everyone.
[ Husky voice ] Hi, Weeknd.
Don't let me interrupt.
I just need to stretch.
Mmm!
Ooh! Yeah...
Ugh!
Whoa!
Did you ever get boners in your old life, The Weeknd?
All too often.
This family is a great break from boners.
[ Sighs ]
Man, I miss my fans,
but I just know they're in good hands with Roger.
[ Intro to "Starboy" plays ]
Roger: * I wanna tell you how I don't miss Stan, ah *
* His chin bigger than a mini-van, ah *
* Life's much better as The Weeknd, though *
* Partial strip view at the Fla-min-go *
* Vodka in my thermos, bong's full of grass *
* Never hit a donkey, but I do pound ass *
[ Crowd cheering ]
* 'Cause I'm a mother[bleep] Starboy! *
[ Gulping ]
Groupies, meet The Weeknd.
Very nice, Klaus.
Security!
Klaus, a weirdo snuck backstage with you!
That's Vu.
He's a weird hang but an excellent drug dealer.
Apologies, Vu.
Okay, my entourage has taken shape.
We have Vu, groupies,
Klaus as my manager -- Sick!
But I'm lacking something.
Yes, my entourage is missing an energy guy...
Klaus, bring me Breckin Meyer.
[ Scoffs ] You can't get Breckin.
Nobody can get Breckin.
He's the ultimate energy guy!
Just make it happen.
We're gonna take drugs and see that show at Excalibur.
"Tournament of Kings"?!
That's the only show in Vegas
where they don't vacuum the floors afterwards!
Hey, Vu, got anything on you
that'll make me feel like a king?
You're a good drug dealer, Vu.
**
[ Ringing ]
Roger: Vu, you little minx!
I'm buzzing you in.
[ Horn honks ]
It's Francine, Roger.
Vuuuu!
Get up here, Vuuuu!
[ Horn honks ]
Are you trying to buzz me into your apartment?
[ Horn honking ]
Vu, dude, you gotta pull when I buzz!
Klaus got in touch with Breckin Meyer!
He's flying in from Los Cabos!
It's about to get wild.
That new stuff you gave me?
You should call it clown blood on the windshield
because that's all I'm seein', baby!
Hang on, Bobo!
You're gonna make it!
[ Mournful trombone music plays ]
[ Crying ] Nooooo!
[ Blows nose ]
Ugh, I am never doing drugs again.
Maybe Stan was on target.
Do you need rules, brah?
Wha-aw-gah-jah-yah-jah-- No!
You blew $40 million
playing a female Ghostbusters slot machine.
Oh, so there can't be female Ghostbusters?
It's the 21st century.
Women can bust every ghost a man can.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
I'm only worried about you losing your money.
So you prefer I lose my money on a male Ghostbusters machine?
I don't want you to lose your money at all!
Why? 'Cause I'm a man?!
If a woman lost her money, you wouldn't be upset?
How -- How would a woman have money?
I got ya! I knew I'd get ya!
I am dying. This is rock bottom.
Sharing a jail cell with the one misogynist in the system.
I gotta call Stan for help.
I deeply respect women.
**
Announcer: We interrupt this broadcast of "Step Brothers"...
Noooo! Ahhhh!
What the hell?!
...to bring you "Step Brothers" in its entirety.
Yeahhhh! Whoo-hoo!
Hell yeah! [ Telephone rings ]
This better be good.
I'm in the middle of "Step Brothers,"
and it's about to start.
Stan, it's me.
Your old pal, Roger. Um...
I'm in a bit of a bind.
Maybe got out of control a smidge.
To quote the Beatles, "Help.
I need Stan's body."
Well, as En Vogue says,
"Never gonna get it, never, ever gonna get it."
That was Roger begging for help.
Why did you hang up?!
He made this mess, and he can get himself out.
If he's asking for help, hasn't he learned his lesson?
Simple boy, right now his lesson is like wet cement.
If we bail Roger out, the cement will evaporate.
Yeah, that's not how cement works.
**
Sir, sir?
Is your baby breathing?
Stan isn't coming.
We're gonna die in here.
Officer: I wouldn't be so sure about that.
I've never heard of you, but the D.A.'s daughter's
a big fan and said we have to let you out.
Sweet! Later, Klaus.
What about me?! Suck it, Klaus!
You're gonna die in here!
Of course I knew you were getting out, too.
It's just jokes.
I love jokes myself.
Hey, I got a good one for ya.
'Sup, boners?!
[ Rock music plays ]
This was crazy, and I love it. Hit me later.
Pound, pound. Back to Cabo.
Swim in a T-shirt 'cause I get crazy sunburned.
Love your music, dude.
[ Engine starts ]
**
I learned a valuable lesson while I was in jail.
Well, that's good!
I learned I was right.
Rules suck, and it's better to be The Weeknd.
Uh-huh.
Rules, restrictions,
shackles of the mind.
Today, I free myself from those.
And I free you, too!
Blast off with me, Klaus!
Tell me your wildest dream!
I'd like to have a really nice dinner
with a woman who loves me.
Did you say "music festival"?
-No. -Your wish is my command.
An island music festival by day,
and a no-rules utopia by night...
and also day.
Music at night, too.
Well...where will we do it, Roger?
Right here.
I only see water.
Some things you see with your eyes,
and some things you see with the drugs that Vu gave you.
Let's ride! Aah!
Ooh, keychains with your name on it.
I'm gonna be "Doris" from now on.
$27?!
Uch, I'm just gonna keep being The Weeknd.
[ Sultry music plays ]
Are you sure you'll be okay if I sleep with The Weeknd?
If you sleep with The Weeknd?
When you sleep with The Weeknd.
And, no, I'm not sure. Hold still.
You really think The Weeknd will sleep with me?
I've given you the tools.
You've gotta do the hammering.
[ Knock on door ]
Hold still.
Hey, I got your text. Everything okay?
It is...
now.
Mm, you are so tight.
[ Gasps ] Are you wearing bug spray?
Shit.
How about a little massage?
Hayley, we can't do this.
Yes, we can!
Weeknd, you son of a bitch!
What's it gonna take for you to nail my wife?!
Look, I'm sorry,
but it has nothing to do with Hayley.
I have a confession.
I've never told anyone this before.
* Had a lot of girls in my day *
* Wanted more from me
* But there's only really one way *
* To start a family
* And I know you can't believe it's true *
* But I'm man enough to say to you *
* I'm a virgin
* Never got close enough
* Cellphone blowing up, but I'm waiting *
* For the right person
* Trying to act super-tough
* But, inside, I'm a 12-year-old boy *
[ Whistle blows ]
* I see you looking in a strong way *
* But I won't give it up
* Supermodels, they were all fake *
* 'Cause I never humped
* And I know you
* I know you want to
* But I'm man enough to say to you *
* Oh [ Whistle blows ]
* Underneath the lies and the big talk *
* I've been waiting for a wife *
* I never watched porn, never did drugs *
* 'Cause I'm terrified
* And I know you
* You can't believe it's true
* But I'm man enough to say to you *
* I'm a virgin, uh
* Never got close enough
* Cellphone blowing up, but I'm waiting *
* For the right person
* You wanna hold hands, then sign me up *
* But just know you're not gonna score *
* I'm a virgin
* Never got close enough
* Pure as a dove, and I'm waiting *
* For the right person
* Never once been touched
* The power of God in my loins *
So, yeah, I'm a virgin. Why?
Containing my seed gives me superpowers
other singers don't possess.
Right now I'm using my virgin power to win Grammys.
But if my calculations are correct,
soon my nut sack will be a time machine.
* I'm tryna [bleep] with dinosaurs *
I feel dirty!
I put a virgin at the top of my freebie list!
Wow.
Oop! Ah.
You guys were smart.
You all went with sandwiches from Panera.
There it is! Festival island!
[ Dramatic music plays ]
I see a ridiculously active volcano.
Yeah, she's gorgeous!
Vu, bring us down.
Keep us up, Vu!
It's all lava!
Quiet, Klaus. I'm in charge.
That giant wave is about to cool us a runway.
Aah!
**
[ Cellphone chimes ]
Whoa, Klaus just sent a suh-weet pic of a volcano.
Cool. And a text.
Yuck.
Says, "Roger and I are about to die."
Uch. Mute...conversation.
Stan, your rules backfired!
And now Roger's gonna die!
And Klaus.
We have to save them!
[ Sighs ] You're right.
Francine, what's your wildest dream?
Going to the moon, realizing it's really small,
then throwing it like a baseball.
Did you say...
"meet The Weeknd"?
[ Gasps ]
[ Sighs ]
We have three days to build a music utopia.
Let's scout locations for the main stage.
[ Explosion ]
[ Woman screaming ]
[ Women sighing ]
[ Woman screaming ]
[ Water splashes ]
Oh, my God.
Where's the rest of the gang?
They're dead!
Like we're gonna be dead!
Like the 10,000 ticket holders
you suckered into coming here are gonna be dead!
Ah! Aah!
Going for a little dip, huh?
Well, I, for one, am getting down to business.
[ Animal shrieks ]
[ Gulping ]
**
Hang in there, baby.
As soon as we rescue Roger,
this antidote will fix you right up.
[ Weakly ] Do it now. Please, Stan.
Francine, I'm trying to do the right thing here.
I could use your support.
-Captain on the bridge! -You must be little Francine.
We'll get you that selfie with The Weeknd,
come hell or high water.
Sir, we have visual on The Weeknd!
Wow.
I've really made a mess of things.
And everybody's given up on me.
Except you.
Thank you.
[ Ship horn blows ]
[ Camera shutter clicks ] Shaxx: Just crop myself out...
Bingo.
[ Camera shutter clicks ]
"Wishin'" accomplished!
If you infect anyone else, we can come back for them.
If that's their wish.
Our business is granting wishes, not suggesting them.
[ Drum cadence plays ]
Stan! You saved me!
It's one of my rules -- Keep my loved ones safe.
[ Gasps ] And that includes me!
Stan, I'm sorry.
I thought being a Smith was boring -- and it is --
but it's better than this.
Can I come home?
[ Coughing ]
Oh, right. Francine.
Sorry, Roger. I just need to cure my wife's bubonic plague.
You butterfingers sonuva--
You're choking me, my love.
You killed me.
The Weeknd: Hello!
**
Special delivery!
[ Rock music plays ]
[ Synthesizer plays ]
She's dying, The Weeknd.
This is a murder.
Don't worry. I'm a virgin.
-Really? -Stan, I think I can help.
Right now, I have enough virgin seed in my balls
to produce five hit albums...
or save one life.
I don't understand.
I'm so very glad you kidnapped me, old friend.
**
Virgin power!
[ Moaning ]
What the [bleep] is happening?
The Weeknd cured Francine,
but it drained his virginal life energy.
No, I was talking about your pants.
You tied them into a life raft.
That's sick, bro.
He's dying, Stan!
Don't go, The Weeknd!
That's the thing that sucks about weekends --
They've gotta end sometime.
Whoa! His last words were a joke!
Guy nailed it!
Keep it 100, y'all.
Ah, he blew it.
[ Rumbling ]
**
Explain that. Okay.
As volcanic islands form, they search for identity.
This island chose The Weeknd's soul
as its metaphysical blueprint.
You're a solid dude, Vu.
If you ever deal drugs near Chimdale, look me up.
I'd like that. Announcer: We apologize.
Due to an error in scheduling,
you saw an episode of "American Dad."
We now return you to "Step Brothers."
Have a great night!