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♪ Good morning, USA ♪

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♪ I got a feeling That it's
gonna be A wonderful day ♪

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♪ The sun in the sky
Has a smile on his face ♪

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♪ And he's shining a salute
To the American race ♪

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♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪

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♪ Good morning, USA ♪

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♪ Good morning, USA ♪

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My first meeting of the Langley
Conservative Republicans.

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Oh! I've dreamed of this day

10
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for as long as I can remember you
telling me I've dreamed of this day.

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Plus, tonight is very special.

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They're gonna announce who
gets to speak at this year's

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Republican National Convention.

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The buzz is your
old man's a shoo-in.

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Awesome, Dad!

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You're the most
abortion-hating,

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stem-cell-research-opposing,
deficit-loving,

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affirmative-action-despising,

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Bible-thumping
xenophobe I know.

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I've been waiting
my whole life for this.

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And I can't think of anyone
else I'd rather share it with.

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Stan.

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Stan, I'm ready
to go. Stan?

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Didn't we already go
through a security check?

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Oh, they aren't checking
for weapons here.

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They're checking for something
far more dangerous: gay.

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-Gay?
-Some Republicans want to allow gays to attend

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the convention this year.

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The Langley Conservatives are
determined to keep them out

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and the party pure.

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Luckily, there are ways
to identify them.

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Your typical homosexual male
will be in great shape,

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well dressed,
wearing sandals,

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holding a brightly colored drink
and listening to Celine Dion.

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-I own sandals.
-Yes, but you can't pull 'em off.

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And that's how you spot
your typical homosexual female.

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Check your fingernails for dirt.

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A gay would've checked
for dirt this way.

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What does ERA
stand for?

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Earned run average?

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A gay would've said
"Equal Rights Amendment."

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Clang, clang, clang.

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♪ Went the trolley ♪

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No!
I just like musicals!

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So then it's cool
to alienate gays?

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Yes, it is, son.
Gays are the new blacks.

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Remember, Steve,
these hell-bound folk

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have made a choice to be gay.

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And they won't rest until
everyone else is gay with them.

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-How do they do that?
-They're insidious.

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It starts with them
asking to borrow a wrench

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and ends with you on a boat to
Mykonos wearing a pair of "assless" chaps.

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Welcome Langley Conservatives.

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It's time to announce
who will be speaking for us

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at the Republican
National Convention.

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Throw this when they
announce my name.

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I couldn't find confetti,
so I shredded a few napkins.

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It shouldn't be so hard
to find confetti.

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Nancy Calliope.

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Thank you, Steve.
Thank you for making my shame more festive.

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Snubbed by the Langley
Conservatives after all I've done for them.

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I mean, I'm the guy
who suggested

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a separate drink fridge.

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There are two fridges there now,
Francine, one that's just for drinks.

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My cheeses from Lyon
just arrived.

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See, I've organized them
from mildest to boldest.

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And in this direction,
from youngest...

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to most mature.

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I am honored, Sir.

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Now, I found these
small leather journals,

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so we can record our
impressions as we go.

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Cheese makes me feel better.

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Can't have nice things!

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I know what'll
cheer you up, honey.

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The community theater's putting
on a play about Abraham Lincoln.

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Ah, Abe Lincoln, the first Republican,
pure and perfect.

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Clorox bleach gets
your whites white.

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Test drive the new
Lincoln Continental.

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The McRib is back!

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Aren't we all just slaves?

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That was an abomination.

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Lincoln has been assassinated
in the theater twice.

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Wow, that's nice, Steve.
The GOP has lost its way, Francine.

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And as a proud member,
it's up to me--

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Really, Steve, very nice
turn of phrase back there.

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...to help us get back to our roots for
the future Republicans of this country.

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Francine, wake up!

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What's wrong? Is one
of the children dead?

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I know how I'm gonna show Steve
what it means to be a true Republican,

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by doing my own play
about Abraham Lincoln.

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I'm gonna write the play
from the point of view

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of one of Lincoln's
greatest admirers.

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Did you know Abe had
a personal bodyguard

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named Captain David Derickson?

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They traveled together,
shared secrets, hopes, dreams.

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See, I've set the play
during the winter of 1863.

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That's when Abe and David
really grew close.

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Hey, you two.

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Don't forget our soiree
on the third.

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But, and we mean it,
don't bring a thing.

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Especially not a chilled bottle
of Clos du Bois Chardonnay.

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You're so bad.
Isn't that right, Heath Ledger?

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Isn't Poppy bad?

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Greg and Terry.
Handsome, successful, eligible bachelors.

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We really should set them up
with some nice women.

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Hey, how about your sister?

107
00:05:03,457 --> 00:05:05,934
Uh, I don't think so, Stan.

108
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Yeah, you're right.
She's too hot. God, is Gwen hot.

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And slender. God.

110
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And that dress she wore
at our wedding.

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Oh, I have never seen her
more beautiful than on that day.

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It's 2:00 a.m. We're in
Mr. Lincoln's bedroom.

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He's invited me, his bodyguard,
David Derickson,

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to sleep over... again.

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I'm sorry Mary Todd takes so
many long trips, Mr. Lincoln.

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Hmm? Okay, Abe.

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This log cabin will represent
the strong roots

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of the Republican Party
you founded, Mr. Lincoln.

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God, you have such muscles.

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I think "four score"
sounds better than 80,

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more... theatrical.

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I was his bodyguard,
and he was my everything.

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Let me take you home,
Abe, one last time.

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♪ And I ♪

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♪ Will always love you ♪

126
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-You're an inspiration.
-I love you.

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See, son? People are
desperate for a return

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to good old-fashioned
conservative values.

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Fantastic performance, Stan.
This is Bret and Jason.

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We're members of
the Log Cabin Republicans.

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Log Cabin?

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Our group is based on the founding
principles Abe Lincoln stood for.

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We're die-hard Republicans.

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With dyed-to-match shoes.

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I don't get it.

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Our group is speaking
at the RNC this year,

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and after seeing you
as Lincoln's "special friend,"

138
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well, we think you encapsulate
what we're all about.

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Would you consider
speaking on our behalf?

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Me? Speaking at the RNC?

141
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Why, it's a dream come true.

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Excellent. We're having a mixer
at our headquarters later tonight.

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You know, nothing fancy. We just
threw it together at the last minute.

144
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Mm. Oh, my God.
What is this?

145
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A Cuervo cosmotinian.
I first had one on Fire Island.

146
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A whole island made of fire?
How manly.

147
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So, Stan, what do you think
of our humble organization?

148
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Fantastic. Why didn't I know about
the Log Cabin Republicans before?

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There you are. Stan,
I'd like you to meet my partner, Tino.

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Partner?

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What are you guys, cops?
Partners in a law firm?

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Tennis partners? Golf partners?
Synchronized swimmers?

153
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You might say I'm Captain
Derickson to his Lincoln.

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Celine Dion.

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Gays!
They're everywhere!

156
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I am a pilgrim
in an unholy land!

157
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Greg, act casual.
Get your stuff and meet me outside.

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-What? Why?
-There are gays here.

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Uh, Stan, I'm gay.

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What? Does Terry know?
Oh, poor, straight Terry.

161
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Terry's gay too.
He's my boyfriend.

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I thought you knew.
The Log Cabin Republicans are a gay group.

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A gay group?

164
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Oh-Oh, my God.
Y-You don't think-- Look, I'm straight.

165
00:08:23,696 --> 00:08:26,733
I mean, yes, Francine's bat cave
grosses me out every now and then, but--

166
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We know you're not gay, Stan.

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But we've always
maintained Lincoln was.

168
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And the way you portrayed him
with his boyfriend--

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Wait. You got gay
from Lincoln Lover?

170
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You-- You people
really grasp at straws.

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Look, this is ridiculous.
How can you be gay and Republican?

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Ugh, these preconceived
notions about gay people.

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It's time to dispel
that stereotype

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through a lavish
musical number.

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Hit it, Joshua.

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♪ It's impossible, you say
To be Republican and gay ♪

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♪ But, baby
Like Virginia Slims ♪

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♪ We've come
A long, long way ♪

179
00:09:06,014 --> 00:09:08,172
♪ It once was thought
To be a fairy ♪

180
00:09:08,172 --> 00:09:10,170
♪ Meant voting for
Bill or Kerry ♪

181
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♪ But not today ♪

182
00:09:13,767 --> 00:09:16,764
♪ We're red and we're gay ♪

183
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♪ Jeff and Paul
Like hot pectorals ♪

184
00:09:18,641 --> 00:09:20,679
♪ And good, old-fashioned
Christian morals ♪

185
00:09:20,679 --> 00:09:24,276
♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪

186
00:09:24,276 --> 00:09:26,434
♪ We're red and we're gay ♪

187
00:09:26,434 --> 00:09:28,352
♪ Our loafers are light ♪

188
00:09:28,352 --> 00:09:30,590
♪ But we still vote
For the right ♪

189
00:09:30,590 --> 00:09:32,508
♪ It's true we can't wed ♪

190
00:09:32,508 --> 00:09:35,345
♪ But we support the Fed ♪

191
00:09:35,345 --> 00:09:37,064
♪ We like each other's butts ♪

192
00:09:37,064 --> 00:09:39,381
♪ And big old spending cuts ♪

193
00:09:39,381 --> 00:09:42,099
♪ We like to pack
Fudge and heat ♪

194
00:09:42,099 --> 00:09:43,897
♪ Big long guns
With ivory handles ♪

195
00:09:43,897 --> 00:09:46,094
♪ Go well with
My scented candles ♪

196
00:09:46,094 --> 00:09:49,491
♪ Yea, NRA ♪

197
00:09:49,491 --> 00:09:51,848
♪ Let's take a spa day ♪

198
00:09:51,848 --> 00:09:53,766
♪ Your skin looks so toned ♪

199
00:09:53,766 --> 00:09:55,884
♪ Now spritz
With fancy cologne ♪

200
00:09:55,884 --> 00:09:57,682
♪ These pants make you slim ♪

201
00:09:57,682 --> 00:10:00,799
♪ U.S. defense we won't trim ♪

202
00:10:00,799 --> 00:10:02,637
♪ Have a pastry or two ♪

203
00:10:02,637 --> 00:10:04,955
♪ We'll get
A trainer for you ♪

204
00:10:04,955 --> 00:10:07,073
♪ Have you met Hot Andrew ♪

205
00:10:07,073 --> 00:10:09,911
♪ Eva Longoria is a client
And a close personal friend ♪

206
00:10:11,669 --> 00:10:13,546
♪ Oh, it's fun
To do things our way ♪

207
00:10:13,546 --> 00:10:16,983
♪ Don't take our word
Ask Ernie, Bert or Manet ♪

208
00:10:16,983 --> 00:10:19,141
♪ We're red and we're gay
We're red and we're gay ♪

209
00:10:19,141 --> 00:10:31,689
♪ We're red and we're gay ♪

210
00:10:33,806 --> 00:10:37,603
My God, where did you
get that confetti?

211
00:10:40,759 --> 00:10:42,717
But you told me
we hate the gays.

212
00:10:42,717 --> 00:10:45,355
That was A: before I knew
they came in Republican form,

213
00:10:45,355 --> 00:10:47,912
and B: before they
cut and styled my hair.

214
00:10:47,912 --> 00:10:49,791
How can you
associate with them?

215
00:10:49,791 --> 00:10:52,427
You said they're tearing apart
the fabric of this nation.

216
00:10:52,427 --> 00:10:54,545
Steve, don't worry.
I'm just spending time with them

217
00:10:54,545 --> 00:10:56,504
because they're letting me
speak at the convention.

218
00:10:56,504 --> 00:10:58,341
So they're not
gonna turn you gay?

219
00:10:58,341 --> 00:10:59,940
Of course not, kiddo.

220
00:10:59,940 --> 00:11:02,098
Now, I don't wanna be late
for my first Log Cabin meeting.

221
00:11:02,098 --> 00:11:03,337
Byesies.

222
00:11:03,337 --> 00:11:06,174
I mean, "byesies."

223
00:11:06,174 --> 00:11:17,003
♪ And we can make
Our love work together ♪

224
00:11:17,003 --> 00:11:20,720
Wow, front row Clay Aiken.
This is the best meeting ever.

225
00:11:23,197 --> 00:11:25,515
Good night, guys.
Oh, look who stopped kissing.

226
00:11:25,515 --> 00:11:27,353
Have fun.

227
00:11:27,353 --> 00:11:30,589
-Greg?
-Terry, I thought you were at bonsai topiary class.

228
00:11:30,589 --> 00:11:33,586
Heath Ledger has a head cold.
That's why he's in his sweater.

229
00:11:33,586 --> 00:11:36,784
You took a limo with Stan to do a
report on the new otters at the Zoo?

230
00:11:36,784 --> 00:11:39,661
Otters? We're coming from
our gay Republican meeting.

231
00:11:39,661 --> 00:11:41,579
You're a... Republican?

232
00:11:41,579 --> 00:11:43,777
-Honey, I can explain.
-Oh, you didn't know?

233
00:11:43,777 --> 00:11:47,733
Oh, that's... that's funny. Gay couples lie
to each other just like regular couples.

234
00:11:47,733 --> 00:11:48,890
Well, bye.

235
00:11:48,890 --> 00:11:50,969
All these years you've
been a Republican?

236
00:11:50,969 --> 00:11:54,326
Listen, calm down. We'll go
inside and-- -I am not calming down.

237
00:11:54,326 --> 00:11:57,763
For God's sake, Republicans are the
people who say we can't get married.

238
00:11:57,763 --> 00:12:01,199
And right now, I want to send them a big
thank-you basket from the BodyFactory.

239
00:12:03,917 --> 00:12:08,191
Just three more days until I
get to speak at the RNC. Sip?

240
00:12:10,030 --> 00:12:11,828
Oh, my God.
What is this

241
00:12:11,828 --> 00:12:13,587
and how can I replace
my blood with it?

242
00:12:13,587 --> 00:12:16,224
It's a Cuervo cosmotinian.

243
00:12:16,224 --> 00:12:17,582
Roger, are you crying?

244
00:12:17,582 --> 00:12:20,780
Tears of joy, Stan.
Tears of joy.

245
00:12:20,780 --> 00:12:24,415
Stan, thank you for the beautiful
roses you left on my nightstand.

246
00:12:24,415 --> 00:12:27,093
Oh, no, honey. They're not for you.
Those are ambient roses.

247
00:12:27,093 --> 00:12:28,531
They're a present
for the bedroom.

248
00:12:28,531 --> 00:12:31,729
Oh, that was... nice of you.

249
00:12:31,729 --> 00:12:34,406
I don't know what you've done,
Stan, but kudos.

250
00:12:34,406 --> 00:12:36,843
No notes for you.

251
00:12:36,843 --> 00:12:39,880
Hello, Dad.
Wow, that's a nice manicure you have.

252
00:12:39,880 --> 00:12:43,277
-Why, thank you, Esteban.
-Aha! I knew it!

253
00:12:43,277 --> 00:12:46,115
The gays got to you
with their insidious ways.

254
00:12:46,115 --> 00:12:48,791
I'm not gay. I'm just
enjoying the lifestyle.

255
00:12:48,791 --> 00:12:50,549
Now don't squint your eyes.
You'll get crow's-feet.

256
00:12:50,549 --> 00:12:51,989
There it is again.

257
00:12:51,989 --> 00:12:54,306
This has gone way beyond
you speaking at the convention.

258
00:12:54,306 --> 00:12:58,022
And I'm not gonna let them have you.
This isn't over.

259
00:12:58,022 --> 00:13:01,059
Don't you tell me you voted
for he who shall not be named!

260
00:13:01,059 --> 00:13:03,736
Look, the war was inevitable.
Freedom isn't free.

261
00:13:03,736 --> 00:13:05,095
Are you kidding me?

262
00:13:07,692 --> 00:13:10,729
Hi, I'm here for the Log Cabin
Republicans sunset cruise.

263
00:13:10,729 --> 00:13:12,607
Whoa, whoa. Straight check.

264
00:13:12,607 --> 00:13:16,804
Who is the only person to win an Oscar,
an Emmy and a Tony in the same year?

265
00:13:16,804 --> 00:13:19,241
Uh, the guy from Monk?

266
00:13:22,757 --> 00:13:25,035
If you get on that boat
with those Republicans,

267
00:13:25,035 --> 00:13:28,551
-then it's open season while you're gone.
-Fine.

268
00:13:28,551 --> 00:13:30,909
Mary Martin, Cathy Rigby,
Sandy Duncan, Mary Lou Retton.

269
00:13:30,909 --> 00:13:33,586
Wow. All the Peter Pans,
and in order.

270
00:13:36,303 --> 00:13:38,023
Bret, Bret. Tell this
guy I'm okay.

271
00:13:38,023 --> 00:13:40,220
Tell him you can't have
a Log Cabin event without me.

272
00:13:40,220 --> 00:13:42,698
-You're not invited, Stan.
-What? Why?

273
00:13:42,698 --> 00:13:46,054
Because your son stopped by
the office today and dropped off this.

274
00:13:46,054 --> 00:13:49,131
So? It's me and hatemonger Pat Robertson.
I met him at some party.

275
00:13:51,009 --> 00:13:52,208
I was just walking through.

276
00:13:53,807 --> 00:13:55,564
It was just a momentary
lapse of judgment.

277
00:13:57,802 --> 00:14:00,719
-My mind's a blank.
-Not only are you not invited on the cruise,

278
00:14:00,719 --> 00:14:04,156
but you're clearly not the kind of person
we want speaking for us at the convention.

279
00:14:04,156 --> 00:14:07,552
But I am! I've changed!
You gotta believe me!

280
00:14:13,866 --> 00:14:16,064
Well, Steve,
they kicked me out.

281
00:14:16,064 --> 00:14:18,142
They're not letting me
speak at the RNC.

282
00:14:18,142 --> 00:14:20,101
I saved your soul, Dad.

283
00:14:20,101 --> 00:14:23,216
You can thank me when we're duck
hunting with Strom Thurmond in heaven.

284
00:14:23,216 --> 00:14:25,894
-You didn't belong with those people.
-You're right, son.

285
00:14:25,894 --> 00:14:28,251
I love their world,
but I'm not one of them.

286
00:14:28,251 --> 00:14:31,009
You can't live a gay
lifestyle without being gay.

287
00:14:31,009 --> 00:14:32,648
Of course you can't.

288
00:14:32,648 --> 00:14:35,883
Which is why I've decided
to have sex with a man.

289
00:14:40,080 --> 00:14:42,198
You wanna have sex
with a man?

290
00:14:42,198 --> 00:14:44,036
Francine, that's the fourth
time you've said that.

291
00:14:44,036 --> 00:14:45,234
What doesn't make
sense to you?

292
00:14:45,234 --> 00:14:47,392
We're married.
I'm your wife.

293
00:14:47,392 --> 00:14:50,070
God, you can be so selfish.
I'm doing this for me.

294
00:14:50,070 --> 00:14:52,067
-This can't be happening.
-Steve.

295
00:14:52,067 --> 00:14:55,425
Stay away from me!
I don't wanna catch your gay!

296
00:14:55,425 --> 00:14:58,821
-It's very simple.
-If I become gay,

297
00:14:58,821 --> 00:15:01,658
the Log Cabin Republicans
will know I'm one of them.

298
00:15:01,658 --> 00:15:05,374
They'll let me speak at the RNC.
So I'm making this choice.

299
00:15:05,374 --> 00:15:08,892
-But where does that leave me?
-In the best position of all,

300
00:15:08,892 --> 00:15:11,568
with all the other women who
can't make it with a straight guy.

301
00:15:11,568 --> 00:15:12,728
The role of a hag.

302
00:15:15,125 --> 00:15:18,282
♪ Don't you wanna Be my hag?
Yes, you do ♪

303
00:15:18,282 --> 00:15:20,559
I'm not that great at songs yet,
but once I poke a guy,

304
00:15:20,559 --> 00:15:21,958
I'll be a regular Sondheim.

305
00:15:24,036 --> 00:15:26,194
Terry, I heard you tell Greg
that it's open season,

306
00:15:26,194 --> 00:15:28,272
and you're the only gay guy
I know who's still in town.

307
00:15:28,272 --> 00:15:31,828
So I was hoping I could take you to dinner
and then afterwards have sex with you.

308
00:15:31,828 --> 00:15:34,825
If my terminology is correct,
I'm a power top.

309
00:15:34,825 --> 00:15:35,624
I'll get my jacket.

310
00:15:41,059 --> 00:15:44,456
You know, I did some research on the
Internet about the whole gay club scene.

311
00:15:44,456 --> 00:15:47,373
Unfortunately, I couldn't find any
crystallized methamphetamines,

312
00:15:47,373 --> 00:15:50,290
but maybe we can make do with
some Michelob Ultra and diet pills.

313
00:15:50,290 --> 00:15:54,246
Uh, yeah. Why don't we just have some
wine instead? That should break the ice.

314
00:15:54,246 --> 00:15:55,484
You're the professional.

315
00:16:09,151 --> 00:16:11,708
God, that was so tight.

316
00:16:11,708 --> 00:16:14,186
That's what the kids say, right?
"Tight" as in "good."

317
00:16:14,186 --> 00:16:16,383
Your dancing was good.
It was tight.

318
00:16:16,383 --> 00:16:18,301
Glad you liked it.

319
00:16:18,301 --> 00:16:20,780
Well, I guess it's time
to have sex.

320
00:16:20,780 --> 00:16:22,418
I have to admit,
I'm a little nervous.

321
00:16:22,418 --> 00:16:24,176
Let's just start slow.

322
00:16:37,642 --> 00:16:39,400
-What's wrong, Stan?
-It's weird.

323
00:16:39,400 --> 00:16:41,798
I don't feel anything.
You must not be doing it right.

324
00:16:41,798 --> 00:16:44,516
I've been doing it
right since JV football.

325
00:16:44,516 --> 00:16:46,674
I don't get this.
I danced to Madonna.

326
00:16:46,674 --> 00:16:49,230
I drank Merlot.
How come I don't feel anything?

327
00:16:49,230 --> 00:16:51,429
I hate to break it
to you, Stan,

328
00:16:51,429 --> 00:16:52,588
but I think you're straight.

329
00:16:52,588 --> 00:16:54,905
What did you call me?
I'm gay, damn it!

330
00:16:54,905 --> 00:16:58,541
This is my choice. I wanna be gay.
I choose to be gay.

331
00:16:58,541 --> 00:17:01,059
Either you are or you're not.
It's not a choice.

332
00:17:01,059 --> 00:17:03,817
-It's... It's not?
-No.

333
00:17:03,817 --> 00:17:07,612
Huh, I always thought it was. So why
am I in bed with you with my shirt off?

334
00:17:07,612 --> 00:17:10,650
Because Greg
is a bastard!

335
00:17:10,650 --> 00:17:13,926
There, there. Hey, I know
what'll cheer you up.

336
00:17:13,926 --> 00:17:15,923
I have a perfectly good
hag in my kitchen.

337
00:17:15,923 --> 00:17:18,042
-Want me to get her?
-That would be great.

338
00:17:22,398 --> 00:17:23,836
Good to have you back, Dad.

339
00:17:23,836 --> 00:17:26,035
Apparently, this is
where I belong.

340
00:17:26,035 --> 00:17:27,632
Damn right.
Here they come.

341
00:17:30,469 --> 00:17:34,425
Come on. Let's keep this convention pure.
Just like you taught me.

342
00:17:38,661 --> 00:17:40,100
What is the meaning of this?

343
00:17:40,100 --> 00:17:42,217
We are invited guests
of the RNC.

344
00:17:42,217 --> 00:17:45,974
You're invited guests
of the devil!

345
00:17:45,974 --> 00:17:49,011
Stan! Nancy Calliope has been
kicked out of the Langley Conservatives.

346
00:17:49,011 --> 00:17:52,008
-What? Why?
-We just found out her second car is a Prius.

347
00:17:52,008 --> 00:17:53,967
Terrorist!

348
00:17:53,967 --> 00:17:57,882
Stan, will you speak
on our behalf?

349
00:17:57,882 --> 00:18:00,878
And now, representing
the Langley Conservatives,

350
00:18:00,878 --> 00:18:01,878
Stan Smith.

351
00:18:05,075 --> 00:18:09,910
Two, four, six, eight.
Gays are bad. God is straight.

352
00:18:09,910 --> 00:18:13,987
My fellow Republicans,
last night I kissed a man named Terry.

353
00:18:13,987 --> 00:18:17,063
Greg, you were
on break at the time.

354
00:18:17,063 --> 00:18:21,459
And I learned something.
We're wrong about gays. I was wrong.

355
00:18:21,459 --> 00:18:24,256
And I taught my boy wrong.

356
00:18:24,256 --> 00:18:27,133
It turns out that being gay
is not a choice.

357
00:18:27,133 --> 00:18:31,049
-It's true. Believe me.
-I tried and it didn't work.

358
00:18:33,127 --> 00:18:36,244
The Log Cabin delegates trying to
get in tonight didn't choose to be gay,

359
00:18:36,244 --> 00:18:38,681
but they did choose
to be Republicans.

360
00:18:38,681 --> 00:18:40,719
Even though, as Republicans,
we used bashing them

361
00:18:40,719 --> 00:18:42,917
as the backbone of our
last presidential election,

362
00:18:42,917 --> 00:18:44,516
they're still
sticking with us.

363
00:18:44,516 --> 00:18:48,192
By God, these people love
America as much as they love brunch.

364
00:18:48,192 --> 00:18:51,469
You know what else is a choice?
Being a Democrat.

365
00:18:52,906 --> 00:18:54,705
Democrats weren't
born Democrats.

366
00:18:54,705 --> 00:18:58,022
They chose to be Democrats.
I'm not telling you to stop hating.

367
00:18:58,022 --> 00:19:00,619
I just want you to hate
where hate deserves.

368
00:19:00,619 --> 00:19:03,536
Hating gays is hate we could
be using on the Democrats.

369
00:19:06,294 --> 00:19:08,212
We shouldn't
discriminate against gays.

370
00:19:08,212 --> 00:19:10,650
We should get more of them
to be Republicans.

371
00:19:10,650 --> 00:19:14,725
They're supporting the economy by buying
high-end appliances and teacup poodles.

372
00:19:14,725 --> 00:19:18,402
Do you want manufacturers of super
tight T-shirts to go out of business?

373
00:19:18,402 --> 00:19:20,080
No!

374
00:19:20,080 --> 00:19:23,277
Would you forsake Socrates,
Plato and Grandpa Walton?

375
00:19:23,277 --> 00:19:24,755
No!

376
00:19:24,755 --> 00:19:27,953
There's room for everyone.
We all belong in the GOP.

377
00:19:27,953 --> 00:19:32,628
So come on, David Geffen. Get on board,
Nathan Lane. Come on, Johnny Depp.

378
00:19:32,628 --> 00:19:35,705
Really? You would've thought
with the tiny glasses.

379
00:19:35,705 --> 00:19:37,503
So come on, LA Sparks.

380
00:19:37,503 --> 00:19:39,940
Come on, half the population
of Palm Springs.

381
00:19:39,940 --> 00:19:42,657
Oh, who are we kidding?
Come on, all of Palm Springs.

382
00:19:42,657 --> 00:19:45,255
Come on, Anne Heche,
you confused son of a bitch.

383
00:19:45,255 --> 00:19:49,211
Come under the big tent.
The Grand Old Party just got grander.

384
00:19:52,208 --> 00:19:56,284
In the words of the founding father of
the Republican party, Abraham Lincoln,

385
00:19:56,284 --> 00:19:59,441
"A house divided against
itself cannot stand."

386
00:19:59,441 --> 00:20:03,557
And that house, my friends,
will be re-surfaced with an aged lime wash

387
00:20:03,557 --> 00:20:04,955
and flipped for a profit!

388
00:20:10,869 --> 00:20:13,987
-Dad!
-Mm.

389
00:20:13,987 --> 00:20:16,144
This doesn't make me gay,
does it, Dad?

390
00:20:16,144 --> 00:20:19,900
Only if you get a boner, son.
Only if you get a boner.

391
00:20:48,671 --> 00:20:49,630
Captions by Point.360