1
00:00:02,997 --> 00:00:05,715
♪ Good morning, USA ♪

2
00:00:05,715 --> 00:00:09,151
♪ I got a feeling That it's
gonna be A wonderful day ♪

3
00:00:09,151 --> 00:00:11,988
♪ The sun in the sky
Has a smile on his face ♪

4
00:00:11,988 --> 00:00:15,345
♪ And he's shining a salute
To the American race ♪

5
00:00:18,063 --> 00:00:21,179
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪

6
00:00:21,179 --> 00:00:23,697
♪ Good morning, USA ♪

7
00:00:25,815 --> 00:00:28,732
♪ Good morning, USA ♪

8
00:00:31,848 --> 00:00:37,323
His name is Achmed al-Paula Abdul
al-Paul Anka al-Casey Kasem bin Shakira.

9
00:00:37,323 --> 00:00:39,161
We must find out
who he works for.

10
00:00:39,161 --> 00:00:40,439
Leave it to me, sir.

11
00:00:40,439 --> 00:00:42,598
I'll crack him faster
than Condoleezza Rice

12
00:00:42,598 --> 00:00:43,876
cracked the glass ceiling

13
00:00:43,876 --> 00:00:45,554
with her beautiful
straightened hair.

14
00:00:48,671 --> 00:00:50,790
It's no use, CIA man.

15
00:00:50,790 --> 00:00:52,388
I will never talk. Never!

16
00:00:52,747 --> 00:00:54,825
Shh.

17
00:00:54,825 --> 00:00:58,342
Every man has
a weakness. What is his?

18
00:00:58,342 --> 00:01:01,100
His teeth are yellow,
so he's a smoker.

19
00:01:01,100 --> 00:01:02,458
The handcuffs
around his wrists

20
00:01:02,458 --> 00:01:04,335
mean he's in some sort
of trouble.

21
00:01:04,335 --> 00:01:06,493
The haunted look in his eyes
suggest that he doesn't know

22
00:01:06,493 --> 00:01:07,692
what Eric McCormack's
gonna do

23
00:01:07,692 --> 00:01:09,691
after Will And Grace
either.

24
00:01:09,691 --> 00:01:10,969
He's got a wedding ring,

25
00:01:10,969 --> 00:01:12,967
but his shirt doesn't match
his pants,

26
00:01:12,967 --> 00:01:16,164
which means his wife
has stop caring. Gotcha!

27
00:01:17,363 --> 00:01:19,600
Oh, man! Another spot
on my tie.

28
00:01:19,600 --> 00:01:21,798
It's like my wife
doesn't even care anymore.

29
00:01:21,798 --> 00:01:23,676
I'm sorry. You shouldn't have
to listen to my complaints.

30
00:01:23,676 --> 00:01:24,835
It's not like you
could relate.

31
00:01:25,755 --> 00:01:28,752
Actually, you might be
surprised.

32
00:01:28,752 --> 00:01:31,708
My wife and I haven't been getting
along for quite some time now.

33
00:01:31,708 --> 00:01:33,466
It's like she's no longer

34
00:01:33,466 --> 00:01:35,504
the woman I traded goats for,
you know?

35
00:01:35,504 --> 00:01:37,103
Preaching to the mosque,
Achmed.

36
00:01:37,103 --> 00:01:38,261
Preaching to the mosque.

37
00:01:39,461 --> 00:01:41,339
Dude, it's okay.
She'll come around.

38
00:01:41,339 --> 00:01:43,417
It just sucks,
you know?

39
00:01:43,417 --> 00:01:44,735
It's like she's jealous

40
00:01:44,735 --> 00:01:48,132
of my work as chief bomb maker
at Arabs for Chaos.

41
00:01:48,132 --> 00:01:50,929
Ooh. Probably shouldn't
have told you that.

42
00:01:50,929 --> 00:01:52,647
I thought we were friends!

43
00:01:52,647 --> 00:01:54,885
You thought what
I made you think.

44
00:01:54,885 --> 00:01:57,202
I still want to get
the wives together.

45
00:01:57,202 --> 00:01:58,561
Well done, Smith.

46
00:01:58,561 --> 00:02:00,400
I'm going to pat you
on the bottom.

47
00:02:00,400 --> 00:02:02,877
Ready? There it is.

48
00:02:05,355 --> 00:02:07,193
Look, it's Jenny Bowen.

49
00:02:07,193 --> 00:02:08,951
She's got the body
of Lara Croft,

50
00:02:08,951 --> 00:02:12,108
the pouty good looks of
Resident Evil's Jill Valentine

51
00:02:12,108 --> 00:02:14,905
and the frank eroticism
of Rosie O'Donnell.

52
00:02:14,905 --> 00:02:18,342
God, I'd love to bend Rosie
O'Donnell over a buffet table

53
00:02:18,342 --> 00:02:20,979
and just let her eat
all she wants.

54
00:02:20,979 --> 00:02:24,135
Yes, Rosie O'Donnell is
every teenage boy's Mrs. Right.

55
00:02:24,135 --> 00:02:26,733
But these girls
are Mrs. Right Here.

56
00:02:26,733 --> 00:02:28,891
Those girls will never
talk to us.

57
00:02:28,891 --> 00:02:32,288
They'll give us boo-boos
on our feelings.

58
00:02:32,288 --> 00:02:34,006
Trust me, guys,
we can do this.

59
00:02:34,006 --> 00:02:36,763
But what if they-- -No ifs,
no buts, no coconuts.

60
00:02:40,359 --> 00:02:41,799
Afternoon, ladies.

61
00:02:41,799 --> 00:02:43,476
What do you little kids want?

62
00:02:43,476 --> 00:02:44,715
"Little kids"?

63
00:02:44,715 --> 00:02:45,914
Would a little kid have

64
00:02:45,914 --> 00:02:48,551
a $50 watch he bought
with good-boy points?

65
00:02:48,551 --> 00:02:50,868
Sorry. We only date guys
with cars.

66
00:02:55,385 --> 00:02:56,543
Oh!

67
00:02:59,580 --> 00:03:00,939
I'm home.

68
00:03:00,939 --> 00:03:02,857
Oh, if I had known you were
gonna be home so early,

69
00:03:02,857 --> 00:03:05,374
I wouldn't have taken care
of myself in the bathtub.

70
00:03:05,374 --> 00:03:08,732
Hey, you know how we were
talking about getting me a new car?

71
00:03:08,732 --> 00:03:10,570
Well, I know exactly
what I want.

72
00:03:10,570 --> 00:03:13,167
The Femwagon.
It's a little pricey.

73
00:03:13,167 --> 00:03:14,366
Hey, you've got one of

74
00:03:14,366 --> 00:03:17,003
the CIA's top negotiators
on your side.

75
00:03:17,003 --> 00:03:19,481
You know I negotiated my way
through negotiator training.

76
00:03:19,481 --> 00:03:21,120
I should have failed
the hell out of that class.

77
00:03:21,120 --> 00:03:22,079
That's how good I am.

78
00:03:27,033 --> 00:03:29,071
Hi, I'm Felix.
Can I help you?

79
00:03:29,071 --> 00:03:30,229
Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

80
00:03:30,229 --> 00:03:33,827
Every man has a weakness.
What is his?

81
00:03:33,827 --> 00:03:36,384
-I notice you shave against the grain.
-What?

82
00:03:36,384 --> 00:03:39,061
I do the same thing.

83
00:03:39,061 --> 00:03:41,738
My dad wasn't around
to teach me any different.

84
00:03:42,537 --> 00:03:43,976
Neither was mine.

85
00:03:45,574 --> 00:03:47,892
So, what do you think of your new car?
Do you love it?

86
00:03:47,892 --> 00:03:50,170
I told you I wanted
the Femwagon.

87
00:03:50,170 --> 00:03:51,408
This is the Phallus.

88
00:03:51,408 --> 00:03:53,127
No, it's the Phallus E.S.

89
00:03:53,127 --> 00:03:55,004
Felix said it was the last one
on the lot.

90
00:03:55,004 --> 00:03:56,203
I had to act fast,

91
00:03:56,203 --> 00:03:57,403
or this other guy was
totally gonna buy it.

92
00:03:58,522 --> 00:04:00,360
Son of a bitch!
He mind-raped me!

93
00:04:00,360 --> 00:04:01,558
Don't worry, honey.

94
00:04:01,558 --> 00:04:03,237
No car salesman is gonna
get the better of me.

95
00:04:07,113 --> 00:04:08,831
Is she a beauty or what?

96
00:04:08,831 --> 00:04:10,509
Stan, that's my old car.

97
00:04:10,509 --> 00:04:13,266
Correction. It's your
new pre-owned car,

98
00:04:13,266 --> 00:04:15,304
and I got it for
a sweet 10 grand.

99
00:04:15,304 --> 00:04:17,383
We sold it to him for 7,000.

100
00:04:17,383 --> 00:04:19,980
Yeah, but he let me keep
the Phallus for no extra charge.

101
00:04:19,980 --> 00:04:22,578
Because you already
paid for it!

102
00:04:22,578 --> 00:04:25,095
Francine, there's a lot
of math, man math,

103
00:04:25,095 --> 00:04:27,972
involved in a car purchase
that... Damn it!

104
00:04:36,724 --> 00:04:40,840
Why does this keep happening?

105
00:04:40,840 --> 00:04:42,397
Sorry about this mess, Klaus.

106
00:04:42,397 --> 00:04:43,677
They cleared out
the garage

107
00:04:43,677 --> 00:04:46,034
to make room for Stan's
stupid cars.

108
00:04:46,034 --> 00:04:48,871
The one time I invite
the fish up here for drinks.

109
00:04:48,871 --> 00:04:51,908
Oh, don't worry about it.
I'm... having fun.

110
00:04:51,908 --> 00:04:53,826
I'm having fun.

111
00:04:53,826 --> 00:04:56,503
Oh, my God!
A movie projector!

112
00:04:56,503 --> 00:04:58,741
Is there anything
more magical than movies?

113
00:04:59,980 --> 00:05:01,978
Wait! There's no movies!

114
00:05:01,978 --> 00:05:03,737
It's like having the world's
biggest wine cooler

115
00:05:03,737 --> 00:05:05,294
and no girls from New Jersey.

116
00:05:06,932 --> 00:05:09,370
Hey, what are you doing
with my dad's movie projector?

117
00:05:09,370 --> 00:05:12,288
If I'm living in a storage unit
so he can buy 20 cars,

118
00:05:12,288 --> 00:05:14,046
I'm gonna get
something out of it.

119
00:05:14,046 --> 00:05:15,285
"Get something out of it"?

120
00:05:15,964 --> 00:05:17,562
Cars?

121
00:05:17,562 --> 00:05:20,559
Yes! The girls would
go crazy over these cars!

122
00:05:20,559 --> 00:05:21,679
That's it!

123
00:05:21,679 --> 00:05:23,396
Hey, Algernon,
what's wrong with you?

124
00:05:23,396 --> 00:05:25,714
Can't you get an idea
without saying it out loud?

125
00:05:29,311 --> 00:05:30,430
Smith, I told you

126
00:05:30,430 --> 00:05:32,428
to interrogate that prisoner
an hour ago.

127
00:05:32,428 --> 00:05:33,786
Uh, lost my confidence

128
00:05:33,786 --> 00:05:35,744
because a car salesman
bested me eight times?

129
00:05:35,744 --> 00:05:38,981
Of course I haven't lost my confidence
because a car salesman bested me eight times.

130
00:05:38,981 --> 00:05:40,979
Good! Then get in there.

131
00:05:42,817 --> 00:05:44,176
Okay, so here's a passport,

132
00:05:44,176 --> 00:05:46,614
$1,000 and the names of
all our operatives.

133
00:05:46,614 --> 00:05:48,171
Great. And you should be

134
00:05:48,171 --> 00:05:50,690
receiving your first issue of
Essence in six to eight weeks.

135
00:05:50,690 --> 00:05:52,328
-Awesome!
-Smith!

136
00:05:52,328 --> 00:05:55,365
What in God's name
are you doing?

137
00:05:55,365 --> 00:05:57,322
Feets, don't explode
on me now!

138
00:06:00,999 --> 00:06:04,316
You gave away state secrets
to a terrorist?

139
00:06:04,316 --> 00:06:05,554
Freedom fighter?

140
00:06:05,554 --> 00:06:07,632
Smith, until you get your head
in the game,

141
00:06:07,632 --> 00:06:10,269
I'm suspending you without pay.

142
00:06:10,269 --> 00:06:12,228
Clean out your desk
and leave immediately!

143
00:06:14,146 --> 00:06:16,144
Janet, when's
my next appointment?

144
00:06:16,144 --> 00:06:17,383
Not for two hours, sir.

145
00:06:17,383 --> 00:06:18,941
Excellent.

146
00:06:18,941 --> 00:06:22,338
♪ All day up this ladder
I'm as happy as can be ♪

147
00:06:22,338 --> 00:06:24,456
♪ Ying ting ting ting
Yadda ting ♪

148
00:06:24,456 --> 00:06:25,894
♪ The things I shouldn't see ♪

149
00:06:25,894 --> 00:06:28,092
♪ Oh, the blushing bride
Looks divine ♪

150
00:06:28,092 --> 00:06:30,130
♪ The bridegroom
He is doin' fine ♪

151
00:06:30,130 --> 00:06:32,168
♪ I'd rather have
His job than mine ♪

152
00:06:32,168 --> 00:06:35,645
♪ When I'm cleanin' windows
All day up this ladder ♪

153
00:06:38,242 --> 00:06:40,160
-Later, buddy.
-See you, pal.

154
00:06:42,277 --> 00:06:44,276
Ah, the joys of work.

155
00:06:44,276 --> 00:06:45,635
These car payment bills

156
00:06:45,635 --> 00:06:47,433
are really starting
to pile up, Stan.

157
00:06:47,433 --> 00:06:49,471
I'm know.
Because I'm an idiot.

158
00:06:49,471 --> 00:06:51,269
Sensei would be disgusted.

159
00:06:51,269 --> 00:06:52,587
He spent 16 months

160
00:06:52,587 --> 00:06:54,186
training me in the art
of mental manipulation,

161
00:06:54,186 --> 00:06:57,222
and then some car salesman
makes my brain his bitch!

162
00:06:57,222 --> 00:06:59,781
Well, maybe you should
go visit your sensei.

163
00:06:59,781 --> 00:07:01,099
You know, get a tune-up.

164
00:07:11,089 --> 00:07:12,767
Stan, you return.

165
00:07:12,767 --> 00:07:15,644
Yes, Sensei. I've come back
to you for guidance.

166
00:07:15,644 --> 00:07:17,123
Enter, young one.

167
00:07:17,123 --> 00:07:18,881
I'm right in the middle
of trying to get

168
00:07:18,881 --> 00:07:20,041
the toaster to pop,

169
00:07:20,041 --> 00:07:21,878
and I'm afraid to put
anything metal in there.

170
00:07:25,355 --> 00:07:28,151
Well, ladies,
start your engines!

171
00:07:28,151 --> 00:07:30,829
Wow! You actually do
have cars.

172
00:07:30,829 --> 00:07:33,226
I want to brush your hair.

173
00:07:33,226 --> 00:07:35,185
Hey, we should
go to the beach.

174
00:07:35,185 --> 00:07:39,540
Yeah. Um, we don't exactly
know how to drive these cars.

175
00:07:41,699 --> 00:07:42,857
Are you kidding me?

176
00:07:42,857 --> 00:07:45,775
No. No. No, I'm not.
But we can sit in them.

177
00:07:45,775 --> 00:07:48,092
On a clear night,
this one gets Radio Disney.

178
00:07:48,092 --> 00:07:49,451
Why did I say that?

179
00:07:51,649 --> 00:07:53,366
Roger, this package
came for you.

180
00:07:53,366 --> 00:07:55,004
My films!

181
00:07:55,004 --> 00:07:56,604
Oh, gimme, gimme, gimme!

182
00:07:57,202 --> 00:07:58,801
Ah, "chinema."

183
00:08:00,839 --> 00:08:02,278
Porky's?

184
00:08:02,278 --> 00:08:04,875
Meatballs II?
Enjoy your crapfest.

185
00:08:06,673 --> 00:08:09,471
Oh, go read The Bell Jar,
you poser!

186
00:08:09,471 --> 00:08:11,789
Klaus, prepare
to feast your eyes

187
00:08:11,789 --> 00:08:15,625
on the majestic grandeur
of the silver screen.

188
00:08:18,542 --> 00:08:20,420
Wah-wahhh!

189
00:08:21,379 --> 00:08:22,657
Damn it!

190
00:08:26,893 --> 00:08:28,972
You guys have your own
drive-in?

191
00:08:29,771 --> 00:08:31,448
Yes. Yes. Yes, we do.

192
00:08:32,967 --> 00:08:37,882
Turkey pot pie
or chicken pot pie?

193
00:08:37,882 --> 00:08:40,359
Turkey pot pie--

194
00:08:41,718 --> 00:08:43,956
Perhaps the answer is not
what is inside the pie,

195
00:08:43,956 --> 00:08:45,874
but what is inside you.

196
00:08:45,874 --> 00:08:47,872
Stan, you scared me
half to death.

197
00:08:47,872 --> 00:08:49,791
Better to be scared
half to death,

198
00:08:49,791 --> 00:08:53,826
than to death half...
scared... be... to.

199
00:08:53,826 --> 00:08:55,904
Oh. Okay.

200
00:08:55,904 --> 00:08:57,502
Well, we're glad to have
you home,

201
00:08:57,502 --> 00:08:59,221
especially with the bills
piling up.

202
00:08:59,221 --> 00:09:02,178
The bills will be dealt with.
But now I rest.

203
00:09:02,178 --> 00:09:04,536
At dawn, I go down
to the dealership,

204
00:09:04,536 --> 00:09:06,214
wait four hours
until they open,

205
00:09:06,214 --> 00:09:09,810
and then kick the mental ass
of a certain car salesman.

206
00:09:09,810 --> 00:09:13,327
He will take back these cars,
and I will take back my pride.

207
00:09:13,327 --> 00:09:15,484
-Farewell, my concubine.
-What?

208
00:09:19,200 --> 00:09:20,440
We accept the fact

209
00:09:20,440 --> 00:09:21,758
that we had to sacrifice
a whole Saturday

210
00:09:21,758 --> 00:09:24,396
in detention for whatever
it was we did wrong.

211
00:09:24,396 --> 00:09:25,834
But we think you're crazy to

212
00:09:25,834 --> 00:09:28,311
make us write an essay telling
you who we think we are.

213
00:09:28,311 --> 00:09:30,390
You see us as
you want to see us,

214
00:09:30,390 --> 00:09:32,148
in the simplest terms,

215
00:09:32,148 --> 00:09:33,546
the most convenient
definitions.

216
00:09:34,346 --> 00:09:35,864
But what we found out

217
00:09:35,864 --> 00:09:38,381
is that each one of us
is a brain...

218
00:09:38,381 --> 00:09:42,018
and an athlete,
and a basket case...

219
00:09:42,018 --> 00:09:44,056
a princess,
and a criminal.

220
00:09:45,095 --> 00:09:46,374
Does that answer
your question?

221
00:09:47,853 --> 00:09:50,730
Sincerely yours,
the Breakfast Club.

222
00:09:52,648 --> 00:09:53,567
♪ Don't... ♪

223
00:09:53,567 --> 00:09:55,125
Thanks, guys.

224
00:09:55,125 --> 00:09:57,562
But we were just wondering,
why didn't you try anything?

225
00:09:57,562 --> 00:09:59,440
We... We could have
tried something?

226
00:09:59,440 --> 00:10:01,279
That's what drive-ins are for.

227
00:10:01,279 --> 00:10:02,837
Getting down and dirty.

228
00:10:02,837 --> 00:10:06,713
Oh. Okay, baby.
Well, let's get busy.

229
00:10:06,713 --> 00:10:08,591
The movie's over,
you little pervert.

230
00:10:08,591 --> 00:10:11,348
But we'd love to do this again,
say, next weekend?

231
00:10:11,348 --> 00:10:13,546
Weekends are when I clean out
my belly button.

232
00:10:13,546 --> 00:10:14,825
Eww!

233
00:10:14,825 --> 00:10:16,464
My boy is wicked hygienic.

234
00:10:24,855 --> 00:10:28,133
Chicken pot pie!
My favorite!

235
00:10:28,133 --> 00:10:29,290
Actually, it's turkey.

236
00:10:29,290 --> 00:10:30,490
Oh, gross!

237
00:10:30,490 --> 00:10:32,047
Why don't we just eat
a big pile of vomit?

238
00:10:33,526 --> 00:10:36,403
Giant bumblebees!
They've come at last!

239
00:10:37,842 --> 00:10:39,201
What the hell is that?

240
00:10:44,036 --> 00:10:45,794
You bought a blimp?

241
00:10:45,794 --> 00:10:47,912
Francine, with today's
low helium prices,

242
00:10:47,912 --> 00:10:49,031
we'd be crazy not to buy.

243
00:10:50,789 --> 00:10:53,227
Oh, my God!
He did it to me again!

244
00:10:53,227 --> 00:10:55,545
-Now, Stan.
-Don't look at me!

245
00:10:55,545 --> 00:10:57,542
I'm not worthy to be
the head of this family.

246
00:10:57,542 --> 00:10:58,702
I'm leaving.

247
00:10:58,702 --> 00:10:59,900
I'm going someplace

248
00:10:59,900 --> 00:11:02,098
where I won't bring shame
to this house!

249
00:11:02,098 --> 00:11:03,896
Stan, please, you're not...

250
00:11:06,853 --> 00:11:09,610
Damn! I can't even exit
mysteriously anymore.

251
00:11:14,166 --> 00:11:15,805
When's Dad coming back?

252
00:11:15,805 --> 00:11:17,003
Don't know.

253
00:11:17,003 --> 00:11:18,442
Don't, uh...

254
00:11:19,401 --> 00:11:20,559
Don't know.

255
00:11:21,917 --> 00:11:24,396
Oh, my God!
We're a broken home!

256
00:11:24,396 --> 00:11:25,594
And I'm too drunk

257
00:11:25,594 --> 00:11:28,072
and they're too dumb
to channel it into art.

258
00:11:28,072 --> 00:11:30,030
Everything's gonna be fine.

259
00:11:30,030 --> 00:11:32,987
Once he finds his confidence,
he'll be right back here.

260
00:11:32,987 --> 00:11:34,665
But what are we
gonna do for money?

261
00:11:36,944 --> 00:11:38,461
We're here to clean the house.

262
00:11:38,461 --> 00:11:40,419
Buenos dias.

263
00:11:40,419 --> 00:11:42,498
I am Judy.

264
00:11:43,777 --> 00:11:46,013
La toilet. La toilet!

265
00:11:46,013 --> 00:11:47,493
No es poo-poo.

266
00:11:47,493 --> 00:11:49,570
Are you saying you would
like me to clean the toilet?

267
00:11:49,570 --> 00:11:52,208
No! No!
No es poo-poo!

268
00:11:53,487 --> 00:11:55,125
Dad better come home soon.

269
00:11:55,125 --> 00:11:57,243
Hang in there, sweetheart.

270
00:11:57,243 --> 00:11:59,161
Did you break
my coffeemaker?

271
00:11:59,161 --> 00:12:01,079
I don't know what
you're talking about.

272
00:12:01,079 --> 00:12:02,958
Coffee maker!

273
00:12:02,958 --> 00:12:06,394
El burro por los coffee.

274
00:12:06,394 --> 00:12:09,631
I know what a coffee maker is.
We weren't even in the kitchen.

275
00:12:09,631 --> 00:12:11,189
No dinero today.

276
00:12:11,189 --> 00:12:12,947
But we worked for 12 hours!

277
00:12:12,947 --> 00:12:14,505
You want me to call INS?

278
00:12:14,505 --> 00:12:16,863
You comprende that?
Yeah, you do.

279
00:12:23,098 --> 00:12:24,336
Stan?

280
00:12:25,975 --> 00:12:27,613
Just a minute!

281
00:12:28,972 --> 00:12:31,208
Francine,
what a nice surprise!

282
00:12:31,208 --> 00:12:32,568
What brings you
to the neighborhood?

283
00:12:32,568 --> 00:12:33,886
Can I offer you
something to drink?

284
00:12:33,886 --> 00:12:36,044
Half a can of Tab? Rain water?

285
00:12:36,044 --> 00:12:39,041
Stan, you have to come home.
We're totally broke.

286
00:12:39,041 --> 00:12:40,320
The kids need a father,

287
00:12:40,320 --> 00:12:42,398
and I have this jar
I can't open.

288
00:12:42,398 --> 00:12:44,036
And quit now? No, I've got

289
00:12:44,036 --> 00:12:45,634
some really exciting things
happening.

290
00:12:45,634 --> 00:12:46,993
A whole new
entrepreneurial thing

291
00:12:46,993 --> 00:12:49,870
that is gonna be the next
big thing for Stan Smith.

292
00:12:49,870 --> 00:12:50,869
Check it out.

293
00:12:51,989 --> 00:12:54,146
-What are you selling?
-Still working on that.

294
00:12:54,146 --> 00:12:56,464
But once I nail it, it's gonna
take off like a rocket.

295
00:12:57,862 --> 00:13:00,100
I'll give you $5
for all of them.

296
00:13:00,100 --> 00:13:02,937
Go to hell!

297
00:13:17,363 --> 00:13:20,600
I killed my best friend.
And for what?

298
00:13:21,559 --> 00:13:24,476
A turd made of solid gold.

299
00:13:27,792 --> 00:13:29,710
What have I done?

300
00:13:29,710 --> 00:13:31,628
What have I done?

301
00:13:33,746 --> 00:13:35,185
This is all your fault.

302
00:13:51,209 --> 00:13:52,687
Why do you think
he did it, sir?

303
00:13:52,687 --> 00:13:55,046
Who knows? Probably running
from something.

304
00:13:55,046 --> 00:13:56,763
Himself, most likely.

305
00:14:01,439 --> 00:14:03,237
What the hell? Gold.

306
00:14:04,156 --> 00:14:05,954
Find something, Lieutenant?

307
00:14:05,954 --> 00:14:07,672
Ha. Just an old nickel, Chris.

308
00:14:09,231 --> 00:14:10,709
Just an old nickel.

309
00:14:12,508 --> 00:14:14,545
It's... beautiful.

310
00:14:14,545 --> 00:14:15,904
What do you think it is?

311
00:14:15,904 --> 00:14:17,982
It's a mistake
is what it is.

312
00:14:17,982 --> 00:14:19,421
One week to retirement,

313
00:14:19,421 --> 00:14:21,938
I risk my pension
by stealing evidence?

314
00:14:21,938 --> 00:14:23,216
What the hell
was I thinking?

315
00:14:23,216 --> 00:14:25,494
You were thinking about us.

316
00:14:25,494 --> 00:14:27,333
Oh, Eddie, don't you see?

317
00:14:27,333 --> 00:14:29,730
The best your pension
will buy us is some

318
00:14:29,730 --> 00:14:33,247
crappy little cracker box
on the eastern shore.

319
00:14:33,247 --> 00:14:37,203
But now... now we can
go to Boca.

320
00:14:37,203 --> 00:14:39,241
This changes everything.

321
00:14:39,241 --> 00:14:40,839
This changes nothing!

322
00:14:40,839 --> 00:14:44,955
I've always been a good cop,
and I'm going out a good cop.

323
00:14:44,955 --> 00:14:46,993
You're going out a nothing!

324
00:14:46,993 --> 00:14:48,072
An honest nothing!

325
00:14:48,072 --> 00:14:50,829
Yeah, well, I'm sick
of your honesty!

326
00:14:50,829 --> 00:14:53,387
What about me? Huh?

327
00:14:53,387 --> 00:14:55,545
What about all those
late nights I lied awake

328
00:14:55,545 --> 00:14:57,303
wondering if you
were in some gutter

329
00:14:57,303 --> 00:15:00,340
plugged in the groceries
by some hopped-up dope fiend?

330
00:15:00,340 --> 00:15:02,497
Don't I get
something for that?

331
00:15:02,497 --> 00:15:03,616
Listen to yourself, Marilyn.

332
00:15:03,616 --> 00:15:06,294
This isn't you.
This isn't us.

333
00:15:06,294 --> 00:15:08,371
It's this... thing.

334
00:15:08,371 --> 00:15:12,247
It's, it's putting bad thoughts
in our heads.

335
00:15:12,247 --> 00:15:16,524
No. Tomorrow, I'm just gonna
turn it in and face the music.

336
00:15:16,524 --> 00:15:19,879
Oh, you're right.
You're right.

337
00:15:19,879 --> 00:15:22,278
I'm sorry, Eddie.

338
00:15:22,278 --> 00:15:25,874
I'll get us some tea.
It'll calm us down.

339
00:15:25,874 --> 00:15:28,391
The sooner it's out
of our lives the better.

340
00:15:28,391 --> 00:15:30,509
Besides, that cracker box

341
00:15:30,509 --> 00:15:33,027
won't seem so bad when
our grandkids come to visit.

342
00:15:33,027 --> 00:15:36,384
Yeah. I hear Boca's
really humid anyways.

343
00:15:39,460 --> 00:15:43,856
Besides, Eddie,
you're all I need.

344
00:15:50,449 --> 00:15:52,448
Welcome back to
the drive-in, ladies.

345
00:15:52,448 --> 00:15:54,565
Your chariots
to pleasure await.

346
00:16:00,480 --> 00:16:03,436
Ah, Steve,
your first gropefest.

347
00:16:03,436 --> 00:16:04,675
You won't truly appreciate

348
00:16:04,675 --> 00:16:06,154
the awkwardness
of this moment

349
00:16:06,154 --> 00:16:09,551
until you're fondly reminiscing
as a 35-year-old homosexual.

350
00:16:18,861 --> 00:16:20,540
Here to repo the cars.

351
00:16:20,540 --> 00:16:23,017
You can't do that.
We're about to become men.

352
00:16:23,017 --> 00:16:24,216
Well, you may have

353
00:16:24,216 --> 00:16:26,534
planned on becoming men
through sexual conquest,

354
00:16:26,534 --> 00:16:29,571
but perhaps an equally valid
preparation for adulthood

355
00:16:29,571 --> 00:16:31,329
would be a night filled
with disappointment

356
00:16:31,329 --> 00:16:32,528
and compromise.

357
00:16:36,404 --> 00:16:38,202
Oh!

358
00:16:38,202 --> 00:16:40,359
Ah, the death of the drive-in.

359
00:16:40,359 --> 00:16:43,436
Harbinger of the slow demise
of American cinema.

360
00:16:43,436 --> 00:16:45,514
The grand images,
the big stars.

361
00:16:45,514 --> 00:16:46,954
Where did they go?

362
00:16:46,954 --> 00:16:50,909
Now everyone just sits at home.
Now it's all TV, TV, TV!

363
00:16:51,749 --> 00:16:54,186
Wait a second!
I have a TV!

364
00:16:54,186 --> 00:16:56,903
How could I forget you,
my good-time gal?

365
00:16:56,903 --> 00:16:58,501
Who needs the damn movies?

366
00:16:58,501 --> 00:17:00,340
Fifteen bucks to see who's

367
00:17:00,340 --> 00:17:03,336
chasing Ashley Judd through
the woods? Movies are dead.

368
00:17:03,336 --> 00:17:04,855
Long live TV!

369
00:17:08,332 --> 00:17:09,650
What's for breakfast?

370
00:17:09,650 --> 00:17:12,608
All we have left
is this one Cheerio.

371
00:17:12,608 --> 00:17:14,405
But if you hold it up
to your eye,

372
00:17:14,405 --> 00:17:16,164
it looks like you're
having a bagel.

373
00:17:16,164 --> 00:17:18,122
-Grocery money!
-How'd you get grocery money?

374
00:17:23,636 --> 00:17:25,076
Wait! Who's he?

375
00:17:25,076 --> 00:17:27,632
Steve, stop bothering your
sister. Hayley, you did good.

376
00:17:30,509 --> 00:17:31,948
Why'd we have to walk here?

377
00:17:31,948 --> 00:17:34,386
Because we're poor as hell!

378
00:17:34,386 --> 00:17:36,183
Stan? What are you
doing here?

379
00:17:36,183 --> 00:17:37,743
I'm selling candy
to raise money

380
00:17:37,743 --> 00:17:39,500
so my soccer team
can get new uniforms.

381
00:17:39,500 --> 00:17:40,739
Will you help us?

382
00:17:40,739 --> 00:17:43,017
-No!
-I don't blame you. It's a total scam.

383
00:17:43,017 --> 00:17:44,735
Stan, it's time to come home.

384
00:17:44,735 --> 00:17:46,054
No! I don't deserve it!

385
00:17:49,490 --> 00:17:50,690
You!

386
00:17:50,690 --> 00:17:53,047
-You smell like potty.
-You smell like potty!

387
00:17:53,047 --> 00:17:55,124
-Let's get inside.
-You did this to me!

388
00:17:55,124 --> 00:17:57,923
I had everything!
A family! A great job!

389
00:17:57,923 --> 00:17:59,401
You took it all from me.

390
00:17:59,401 --> 00:18:00,760
Is that true?

391
00:18:00,760 --> 00:18:02,237
Oh, I'm sure
it's not that bad.

392
00:18:02,237 --> 00:18:03,836
Our lives are ruined.

393
00:18:03,836 --> 00:18:05,834
I've... done things.

394
00:18:05,834 --> 00:18:08,192
And it all started
with that damn car!

395
00:18:08,192 --> 00:18:11,628
Daddy, I thought you sold
people cars to help them.

396
00:18:11,628 --> 00:18:13,546
I do. I...

397
00:18:13,546 --> 00:18:16,304
Look, why don't we go back
to my office, call the bank

398
00:18:16,304 --> 00:18:17,823
and get you off the hook
for your loans?

399
00:18:17,823 --> 00:18:19,260
Oh, thank you.

400
00:18:19,260 --> 00:18:20,780
No! No charity!

401
00:18:20,780 --> 00:18:22,377
-Stan!
-Any car we need,

402
00:18:22,377 --> 00:18:23,736
I will pay for with candy.

403
00:18:23,736 --> 00:18:25,854
Stan, your family's
in bad shape here.

404
00:18:25,854 --> 00:18:27,133
Let me help you.

405
00:18:27,133 --> 00:18:28,492
I'll set you up
with that Femwagon.

406
00:18:28,492 --> 00:18:29,850
I'll even knock off
10 bucks a month.

407
00:18:35,165 --> 00:18:38,162
Initial, initial
and signature.

408
00:18:38,162 --> 00:18:41,359
And vengeance is mine.
In your face!

409
00:18:42,357 --> 00:18:46,434
Yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Yes! Me!

410
00:18:46,434 --> 00:18:48,032
Um, what?

411
00:18:48,032 --> 00:18:49,671
That's right, car salesman.

412
00:18:49,671 --> 00:18:51,708
How does it feel to have
fallen into my trap?

413
00:18:51,708 --> 00:18:53,586
My plan worked perfectly.

414
00:18:53,586 --> 00:18:55,025
Plan? What plan?

415
00:18:55,025 --> 00:18:58,062
Why, my pretending-to-be-
depressed-and-go-crazy plan.

416
00:18:58,062 --> 00:19:01,818
Pretending? You put us
through all this on purpose?

417
00:19:01,818 --> 00:19:03,656
Let me walk you through.

418
00:19:03,656 --> 00:19:05,775
I went to Nepal
to see my sensei,

419
00:19:05,775 --> 00:19:07,493
but it turned out to be
a bad weekend for him.

420
00:19:07,493 --> 00:19:08,931
So he couldn't give me

421
00:19:08,931 --> 00:19:10,729
the mind control techniques
I so desperately needed.

422
00:19:11,529 --> 00:19:12,688
As you can imagine,

423
00:19:12,688 --> 00:19:14,406
it was a depressing
plane ride home...

424
00:19:14,406 --> 00:19:16,164
until I realized I was sitting

425
00:19:16,164 --> 00:19:17,762
next to the foulmouthed
playwright

426
00:19:17,762 --> 00:19:20,040
and master of the con game,
David Mamet.

427
00:19:20,040 --> 00:19:21,399
We decided that the whole

428
00:19:21,399 --> 00:19:23,956
going crazy shtick was
the best way to handle Felix.

429
00:19:23,956 --> 00:19:25,195
We knew that if I
bought a blimp

430
00:19:25,195 --> 00:19:27,273
and then abandoned
my impoverished family,

431
00:19:27,273 --> 00:19:28,591
you and the kids would be

432
00:19:28,591 --> 00:19:30,629
forced to shop at
the off-brand grocery store,

433
00:19:30,629 --> 00:19:32,428
where I knew Felix must shop,

434
00:19:32,428 --> 00:19:34,266
because he's so obsessed
with the best deal.

435
00:19:34,266 --> 00:19:36,063
Therefore, it was only
a matter of time

436
00:19:36,063 --> 00:19:37,103
before we would all meet,

437
00:19:37,103 --> 00:19:38,541
I would humiliate you

438
00:19:38,541 --> 00:19:40,899
and Felix's alpha-male need
to impress his family

439
00:19:40,899 --> 00:19:42,937
would drive him to "save me"

440
00:19:42,937 --> 00:19:44,855
and give me a great deal
on the car.

441
00:19:44,855 --> 00:19:47,332
Not to pat myself on the back,
but we're ahead of schedule.

442
00:19:47,332 --> 00:19:48,652
I thought it would
take two years.

443
00:19:48,652 --> 00:19:51,408
I lost out on becoming a man.

444
00:19:51,408 --> 00:19:53,246
I cleaned strangers' toilets.

445
00:19:57,042 --> 00:19:59,601
All to save $10 a month?

446
00:19:59,601 --> 00:20:01,359
That's right, baby.
Enjoy it.

447
00:20:03,676 --> 00:20:06,913
God, it's great to win again!
Oh! I still got it, honey!

448
00:20:06,913 --> 00:20:09,390
Yeah! I won!
I won!

449
00:20:09,390 --> 00:20:10,589
Hey, who's up
for some ice cream?

450
00:20:10,589 --> 00:20:12,267
Huh? Hayley? Ice cream?

451
00:20:12,267 --> 00:20:14,066
Steve? Francine? Hayley?

452
00:20:14,066 --> 00:20:16,223
Oh, I asked you already.
Can't remember what you said.

453
00:20:16,223 --> 00:20:18,701
God, I don't remember
the last time I felt so good!

454
00:20:46,833 --> 00:20:47,633
Captions by Point.360