♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
♪ I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
♪ The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪
♪ And he's shining a salute to the American race ♪
♪ Oh, boy it's swell to say ♪
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
-Firing pin! -Hammer!
-Breech bolt! -Come on. Easy game. Name the gun part!
-Breech bolt! -Muzzle!
Point for Steve! Good one, Son.
-Breech bolt! -Steve already guessed it, Klaus.
Yeah, what are you? An idiot?
Say that in mein bowl! I dare you! Say that in mein bowl!
Wow, Hayley! Some dye job.
The carpet match the curtains?
-What did you do to your hair? -I dyed it at a Green Party rally.
You missed family game night for that? Go wash it out!
You look like a slutty wad of money.
-No way! -Yes way!
-Stan! -She started it!
It's my hair. I'm keeping it.
What the hell is wrong with that girl?
Do I have to smell like B.O. and hump a redwood just to get through to her?
Stan, I'm sure this green-hair thing is a phase.
I bet by tomorrow she'll already be over it.
Something tells me you're right.
-Shh, shh, shh, shh. -Sandman's a-calling.
Shh, shh, shh. That's right. That's right.
Bigfoot's baking sugar cookies and Santa wants to take you to the Oscars.
-How's everyone's French toast? -Smelly and ungrateful!
But this American toast is delicious!
Well, Sleeping Beauty's finally up.
Whoa! Nice dome. You're almost as ugly as Roger.
I'm not ugly! Am I?
-How dare you! -How dare I? How dare I?
I'm sorry. I was at the shooting range this morning, and I left in my earplugs.
-Did you say, "How dare I?" -Mom!
-Oh, Stan, how could you? -How could I? How could I?
Sorry. Backup pair.
It's okay, honey. You don't look like a giant penis.
-How am I supposed to go to school with no hair? -Already got you covered.
-Wigs? -Not just any wigs.
These are styled after the most revered Republican first ladies of our time.
The Barbara Bush, the Nancy Reagan,
the Maria Shriver-- stay tuned.
Those are terrible!
Most girls your age have to go through chemo to get a wig this nice.
Do me a favor. Stay out of my life!
How do I look now, Steve?
Pretty enough for you? Huh? Ah, forget it!
Hey, turn down that rap music! It's a bad influence!
-I swear, yo, shorty be leaning on my last nerve! -Well, what do you expect?
You shaved her head in her sleep.
And putting her hand in that bowl of warm water? That was just overkill.
I wanted to see if it works. It totally does.
Oh, finally.
-Mom, is my wig straight? -Perfect.
What is that? Horsehair?
Jeff's here. Later.
-Who's Jeff? -My boyfriend. Don't wait up.
Boyfriend? How can she be old enough to have a boyfriend?
She still wets her bed.
Stan, you're so stressed. You want me to make you happy with my mouth?
Yeah, I guess so.
Well, that helps a little.
Stan, maybe you'd feel better if we met this boy.
Why don't we have him over for dinner so you can get to know him?
That's brilliant, Francine! Now rephrase it so it sounds like my idea.
Man, that dance is gonna be a rager!
Yeah. It's too bad we can't get dates.
What? Fellas, girls want to get down just as bad as we do.
Here, here. Watch.
Hey, foxy. Ohh!
You got something to say, Barry?
Easy, Steve. We're just not studs.
We are the geeks who don't get the choice babes
until we're making major cash in our mid-to-late 30s.
No. No, no. You know what?
Not only am I going to that dance,
but I'll bet each of you 20 bucks I also get boob.
-Bring back the bra to prove it? -I'll do you one better!
I'll wear it back! No. Actually, I'll just bring it.
My surfboard nails me in the head, and I go down like a bag of rocks.
And just then, my life flashes before my eyes,
and I'm bored.
He's bored!
Oh, you took us the other way with it, Jeff. Thank you.
Hey, I just hope one day I, too, have a daughter
who's as smart and wonderful as Hayley.
Oh! Isn't he sweet, Stan?
He sure is. Next time I'm out of Jolly Ranchers,
I'm just gonna suck on Jeff.
Jeff, you were so good at dinner.
Babe, we're good together. Which is why I was thinking you should move in with me.
Whoa! It's only been three weeks.
Besides, I don't think my dad would be too happy with that.
Babe, your dad digs me. I can tell. He wants us to be together.
Great. Now it's officially a sausage fest.
See you tomorrow, fellows. Hey, Sanchez, try to get to work on time for a change.
Hey. No fair.
Hey, don't make me come up there. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you'd better fly.
Huh. Ah, what a bunch of clowns.
There. Now you can talk, and we took care of that mustache.
Dad, are you insane? You can't just abduct me like that!
Hey! Don't you use that word in this house. I "liberated" you.
And maybe next time you'll think twice before dating the wrong guy.
There's nothing wrong with Jeff.
Too bad. I forbid you to see him.
-What? -Stan, I'm not sure we should--
-Francine, wait in the car. -What?
Hayley, this is for your own good. Jeff was much too relaxed at dinner.
He had the laid-back attitude of a stone man.
-Do you mean a stoner? -Go wait in the car with your mother.
You can't do this. I'm 18.
While you're under my roof, you'll live by my rules.
Dude, this is your house!
And you're alive!
Well, guess what, Dad? I don't have to listen to your rules anymore.
-I'm moving in with Jeff. -What?
-Right on, babe. -Hayley, don't go!
You get back here, Hayley! No?
-Well, I didn't want to have to use this, but... rhubarb! -Rhubarb?
Mm. That's her trigger word. I had her brainwashed at five.
She's supposed to kill Walter Mondale, but I guess it didn't take.
-Come on. Let's go to your place. -This is my place.
-What? You live in your van? -No. We live in our van.
My mom had me right where you're sitting.
Jeff, how could you not tell me you live in your van?
Babe, we did it. We took the plunge.
Come celebrate on the patio.
Can we just get out of here? I got to get away from my parents.
This van is our pen, and the road is our parchment,
and together we'll drive a poem across America.
Yep. This is the spot. We are right where we need to be.
Uh! I got to use the can.
Oh, Stan, I can't believe our little girl moved out.
Oh, Francine, you are gonna love this.
Jeff-- Y-You know Jeff-- Jeff lives in his van.
And the piece of junk just broke down right outside. She's not going anywhere.
Stan, are-are you sure she's safe-- -Hey, Hayley!
At least the last time you ran away, you made it all the way to the stop sign!
Aw, that's funny. I'm funny.
Don't egg her on! She'll never want to come back.
Francine, she hates it in there.
By morning, she'll be back in bed wearing her footsie pajamas
and sucking on her Lion King blankie.
-But she got rid of those things years ago. -Not in here she didn't.
Oh, Stan, our little girl is back!
Hey, I didn't order "rude" service.
-Roger, why aren't you in the attic? -Oh, it's so cold and drafty,
which is great for a Michelob, but I got to sleep up there.
Oh, yeah. That's good. That's not too bright. That's fine.
Stan, she's still out there.
What is she squatting over?
Oh, Hayley, that's not how you make coffee.
-Is Roger moving into Hayley's room? -No, he is not.
Fine. I'll go up to the frigid attic.
I'm supposed to bring pneumonia back to my home planet anyway.
Stan, I want my baby girl home. Just go down there and apologize.
No! No apologies. George W. taught me that.
I just have to remind her how great life is in the Smith home.
Babe, keep tonight open.
Marco and Skye are having a wine and cheese thing in their Tercel.
Oh, hi, Hayley. I got you a clown and a petting zoo.
Sure you don't want to move back in?
Maybe the clown will ride the pig. Man, we're having fun!
-How much longer do I have you for? -Two hours.
Go read to my wife.
Uhh!
How's the bra hunt coming?
Making progress. A girl just groped me with her foot.
What the heck? Since when does Frankle reel in the babes?
Oh, he's got the sympathy factor working for him.
His little brother got his arm stuck in a ski lift, tore it right off.
-Boy, that sucks! -Not for Frankle.
Sure, girls. I'll judge your kissing contest.
-Good news, Francine. -Hayley's back?
-Even better. Say hello to your new daughter! -What?
-Isn't she beautiful? -Is that a Chinese baby?
Sure is. Japanese to be specific.
Stan, I don't want a new daughter.
Don't you get it? I want my Hayley!
One of us pooped.
Hayley, what happened? You used to be so easy.
-Eat your peas, Hayley. -Why?
So you can be strong enough to fight off President Clinton's sexual advances.
Oh, there he is right outside.
Hey, Stan. Did you hear? Sanders just killed his first dictator.
Well, first he was a U.S. ally, then a dictator.
-Yeah, a dictator. I mean, it's good. I'm happy. -Hey, we got to celebrate!
-Lunch and drinks Friday at the place with the buffet? -Great!
So, Stan, did Hayley move back in?
No. And Francine is just devastated.
I mean, if she's this upset now, what's she gonna be like when Hayley dies?
Have you talked to Hayley? You know, to let her know how much you want her home?
Absolutely not! I could never grovel to my own daughter.
But I think I know someone who could.
-Paper or plastic? -Burlap.
I, too, share your annoying concern for the environment.
-Dad? -No! No, I am former Communist named Petrov.
Like you, I embrace insane left-wing philosophies
-which are best discussed in comfort of parents' home. -Dad, leave me alone.
All right, I've had enough of this. You're coming home with me right now or else.
-Or else what? -That'll be 38.40.
-Hey! -Or else you can't use this.
Your mother and I gave you this card, and I can damn well take it back.
-Fine. I don't need your money. -Good! 'Cause I'm completely cutting you off!
Petrov, go restock that stuff.
Can't Susan do it? I on break in, like, two minutes.
-Thanks for tutoring me. -No worries.
Hey, did you hear about Frankle's brother losing his arm?
Yeah. Poor Frankle. I just wanted to hug him and never let go.
Yeah. Yeah. I remember when my sister had her accident.
Oh, did I not mention my sister who was horrifically burned over 98% of her body?
-That's terrible! -Only her taint survived.
Okay, it's on! You pull this off and I'll convince my parents to let you sleep in here.
Don't worry. I've been studying all day.
I even watched Meg Ryan's latest movie where she plays that burn victim.
-She never played a burn victim. -Oh, Meg, honey.
Kim, meet my sister Hayley.
Time for your burn cream.
I hope I don't cry like last time.
-What-- What happened? -Oh, I was dating a pool guy.
And he thought it'd be kinky if we gave each other chlorine massages.
I went first. Ooh! Mm, that's cooling.
-How awful! -I know! I'm hideous!
-You are so not hideous. -Oh, don't tease me!
No, really. It's your eyes and the unique shape of your head.
I think you're beautiful.
Oh, oh. And Steve's been a super little brother.
Freezing my Snickers, sticking me in the shade outside.
-Steve, that is so sweet. -I know.
-Want to go to the dance? -I'd love to.
Great! Well, see you, Hayley.
I am beautiful!
Mm! Uh! Oh! Saw my tushy.
Impressive, Miss Smith. A lesbian of color couldn't have done a better job.
-I'd give it an "A," if you had paid your tuition. -What?
But I'm paid up for the semester. Dad.
There are no free rides here at Groff Community College.
-You have three days to pay your tuition. -A whole semester's tuition?
How am I supposed to come up with 85 bucks in three days?
Welcome to House of Hoagies. Can I get you a sandwich...
with nothing on it?
-Hey, waitress, bring me a beer. -I just brought you one.
Yeah. This one's to drown my crabs.
Don't worry, doll. It gets easier.
I'm fine. At least I'm not being exploited like these poor strippers.
-Exploited? Sweetie, these girls are being empowered. -Yeah, right.
Think about it. All they do is show their breasts
and men hand over hundreds of their hard-earned dollars.
Who's really being exploited here?
Plus, to quote Camille Paglia, these ladies are sexual conquerors
controlling the channel between nature and culture.
Take it off, bitch!
Camille Paglia, huh?
Hey, Stan, everything work out with Hayley?
No. I had to cut her off like a diseased hand.
And like any diseased hand, sooner or later she'll come flopping back.
-They always do. -Yep, I got her right where I want her.
All right, gentlemen.
Let's welcome to the stage, Dusty!
Yeah!
Oh, my God! What is she doing?
Pretending to ride a horse.
If you want to see a real horse, you got to go to the track.
Come on. We're all leaving. The girls here are "vugly."
We can't leave. We just got here.
-Oh, no! -Somebody pulled the alarm!
You know what that means. Dusty, you're on fire!
And that's a double dance for you! Ha!
Yeah!
-Ow! -How could you let Hayley do this?
-Do what? -Don't play dumb. You know she's stripping!
Showing people her Ho Hos, her Ding Dongs, her Susie-Q's, her-- her, uh, uh...
Wh-What are those called? Those-- The little pink with coconut?
-Th-They're really good. Uh-- -Her Snowballs?
-You bastard! -I didn't know she was stripping!
-Don't lie to me, stone man. -For real.
She said she was out torching SUV's.
-I'd never be cool with stripping. -Really?
Yeah! I mean, I've dated three strippers, and two of them turned up dead.
And the cops always go to the boyfriend with the van.
That's profiling, man. And that's wrong.
Well, that's the price you pay for the sweet pleasure of van ownership. Let's go!
Kim! Wow, you look great! B-But the dance isn't for two hours.
Yeah. But I got to be up early for church camp.
So I thought we'd fool around beforehand.
Thank you, Jesus.
Oh, wait. Can I say hi to your charred sister first?
I was also thinking some mascara, you know, to draw focus to my eyes.
You know what else? Some blush would really bring out your cheekbones.
I love that idea! Paint me! Paint me!
Oh, yeah. Who's your daddy?
-I am! -Dad!
Blow up many four-runners today? Or did you four-get?
-Jeff, I'll, uh, do the talking. -Let me go!
-Hey, she's not going anywhere! -Yeah? Who's gonna stop me?
I see. Well, I don't want any trouble.
I'll just be on my merry little way--
Hey, Bo Peep. I know where you can find your sheep. In hell!
Hayley, are you in there?
I brought some fresh laundry and rinsed out your tinkle can. Hello?
Hayley's working at a booby bar?
And she traded shifts with Tina?
What does Tina have to do that's so important?
Oh, wait. This isn't about Tina.
This isn't about Tina!
It's never been about Tina.
Kim, we are running out of time if we're going to, you know, get busy.
Here I come!
Oh, you look gorgeous!
-Doesn't she look gorgeous, Steve? -Stunning.
Can I talk to you, Sis? Would you cut it out?
I should be touching her na-nas right now!
All you had to do was sit there and be ugly.
-I am not ugly! -Steve!
Th-That's not what I said. Tell-Tell her, Hayley.
Or maybe you don't want to stay in this room anymore.
Kimmy! He wants to lock me in the attic
like I'm some kind of disgusting monster!
-Well, you are! -Shut up!
You shut up!
I never want to see you again, Steve!
Roger, I thought we had a deal.
Rouge can make a fellow do crazy things, Steve.
-Sorry I ruined your plan. -Sorry I called you ugly.
Well, I guess I'll go let the guys know I'm a loser after all.
Steve, wait.
Kimmy loaned this to me.
Roger, you are beautiful.
Way to go, Mr. S.
You're so hot!
Oh, I remember now.
I was gonna be a civil engineer.
What are you gonna do? Tickle me to death?
Ooh!
-You're coming home right now! -I don't have to listen to you!
Stop! Just stop right there!
We've tried doing things your way, and it's only made things worse.
-But she's making so many mistakes. -You sound just like my father.
He never supported my choices.
My dad didn't support me either. That's why I started stripping.
-Me too. -Same here.
Yeah. Plus my uncle touched me.
I never meant to drive Hayley away.
Stan, we need to listen to these ho-bags.
Hayley's gonna make mistakes, but they're hers to make.
And as parents, the most important thing we can do is be supportive.
Supportive? Yes.
Ooh, yeah!
Shake it, baby! You will not break it!
It took me nine months to make it!
-Give me some more singles. -You used to look like that.
-What are you guys doing? -Being supportive.
Look, I've been treating you like a little girl. And, well, you're a grown woman.
You made that abundantly clear halfway through that Jay-Z song.
-Oh, come back home, honey. -What do you say?
-Give your old man a second chance. -I'll think about it.
You have some pretty terrific parents.
I guess that means you're done here, and you'll be going back home, huh?
Yeah. Then again,
the girls are really nice, and the money's awesome.
No, I think I'll stay. Hit it, Ron!
-Oh, man! That's gross! -Yeah. That's the one place you want them to have hair.
-Oh, I got a good one! -"Quivix?" That's not a word.
-It is on my planet. -Is it a proper noun?
-Damn! -I'm going out with Jeff.
-Hey, be home by 11:00. -Dad!
-Okay. Just be safe. -Thanks, Daddy.
All right, you have visual?
All right, stay three car lengths behind her and check in with me every half hour.
Yes, I know! She's got a great ass! Stay on it!
Have a great night!