1 00:00:02,637 --> 00:00:05,035 ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ 2 00:00:05,035 --> 00:00:08,791 ♪ I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪ 3 00:00:08,791 --> 00:00:11,668 ♪ The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪ 4 00:00:11,668 --> 00:00:15,025 ♪ And he's shining a salute to the American race ♪ 5 00:00:17,742 --> 00:00:20,899 ♪ Oh, boy it's swell to say ♪ 6 00:00:20,899 --> 00:00:23,616 ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ 7 00:00:25,815 --> 00:00:28,651 ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ 8 00:00:28,651 --> 00:00:30,650 The Channel 3 Noon Report, 9 00:00:30,650 --> 00:00:33,047 with anchor partners Greg Corbin and Terry Bates. 10 00:00:33,047 --> 00:00:36,603 News that's independent, proud and unashamed. 11 00:00:36,603 --> 00:00:38,762 -Good news to report today, Greg. -Sure is, Terry. 12 00:00:38,762 --> 00:00:40,960 The threat level has just been lowered from yellow to blue, 13 00:00:40,960 --> 00:00:42,957 prompting across-the-board reductions in security measures. 14 00:00:42,957 --> 00:00:44,916 This is the first time the threat level has been blue, 15 00:00:44,916 --> 00:00:47,032 same color as my handsome coanchor's eyes. 16 00:00:47,032 --> 00:00:48,950 -Stop. -Come on now. We've talked about this. 17 00:00:48,950 --> 00:00:51,268 -Learn to take a compliment. -Thank you. 18 00:00:51,268 --> 00:00:55,305 See, now how hard is that, huh? All right, let's check the freeways. 19 00:00:55,305 --> 00:00:57,702 Hey, they just lowered the terror level. I saw it on the news. 20 00:00:57,702 --> 00:00:59,540 Sweet. Wanna play backgammon? 21 00:00:59,540 --> 00:01:01,219 Do I? 22 00:01:04,176 --> 00:01:07,412 Well done, fellas. Our country is a full color value safer. 23 00:01:07,412 --> 00:01:10,169 Hey, everyone. The boss just said we could take a half day. 24 00:01:10,169 --> 00:01:12,926 All right! I got stuff to do. 25 00:01:21,558 --> 00:01:24,076 -Wanna get baked and ride the escalators at the mall? -Do I! 26 00:01:26,714 --> 00:01:29,830 Roger, take something out or close the refrigerator. 27 00:01:29,830 --> 00:01:31,749 Nothing looks good to me. 28 00:01:31,749 --> 00:01:34,984 You know what looks good to me? Francine bent over that sink. 29 00:01:34,984 --> 00:01:37,743 Klaus, calm down. Well, you're home early. 30 00:01:37,743 --> 00:01:40,380 Well, that's my reward for making the world a safer place. 31 00:01:40,380 --> 00:01:42,617 That and this magnificent government paycheck. 32 00:01:42,617 --> 00:01:44,695 That's my Stan the Man. 33 00:01:44,695 --> 00:01:47,612 -Here's your allowance, champ. -Wow, a whole five bucks. 34 00:01:47,612 --> 00:01:50,290 -Yeah, I'm gonna need change. -I can't buy a Game Station with this. 35 00:01:50,290 --> 00:01:52,687 You know, when I was a boy, five dollars was-- 36 00:01:52,687 --> 00:01:55,284 Tell you what. I'll give you $10 not to tell me this story. 37 00:01:55,284 --> 00:01:58,162 Oh, what's this? Smells like crap. 38 00:01:58,162 --> 00:02:00,319 That should be empty. I had my soup for lunch. 39 00:02:00,319 --> 00:02:03,397 Honey, why is there a biohazard symbol on your thermos? 40 00:02:03,397 --> 00:02:05,754 Let me see that. 41 00:02:13,906 --> 00:02:15,984 This is not soup. 42 00:02:15,984 --> 00:02:18,421 This is the scene in Langley Falls, Virginia, 43 00:02:18,421 --> 00:02:21,298 where the Smith family's been quarantined in their two-story Georgian Colonial home. 44 00:02:21,298 --> 00:02:24,695 Actually, Terry, it's an updated Cape Cod. The shutters are a dead giveaway. 45 00:02:24,695 --> 00:02:26,853 You're right, Greg. Thanks for correcting me. That's how I learn. 46 00:02:26,853 --> 00:02:29,331 The Smiths have been exposed to a biological agent 47 00:02:29,331 --> 00:02:31,528 which will eventually liquefy their internal organs. 48 00:02:31,528 --> 00:02:34,127 We have a computer-generated image of what that might look like. 49 00:02:34,127 --> 00:02:36,724 -But I must warn you-- this is not for the squeamish. -I'm not gonna look. 50 00:02:36,724 --> 00:02:38,561 Oh, no, this is a nightmare. 51 00:02:38,561 --> 00:02:40,199 Don't worry, honey. 52 00:02:40,199 --> 00:02:41,998 You know how the media sensationalizes everything. 53 00:02:41,998 --> 00:02:43,916 Hey, friend, what's the real deal? 54 00:02:43,916 --> 00:02:45,635 The good news is you're not going to die-- -See there? 55 00:02:45,635 --> 00:02:47,312 -What a relief! -Thank God! 56 00:02:47,312 --> 00:02:49,151 -Wunderbar! -for 24 hours. 57 00:02:49,151 --> 00:02:51,429 Which is just enough time for you to learn 58 00:02:51,429 --> 00:02:54,346 not to interrupt someone when they're talking. 59 00:02:54,346 --> 00:02:57,462 Don't worry, Tony. We'll find a place to build that homeless shelter. 60 00:02:57,462 --> 00:02:59,420 Thanks for all your hard work, Hayley. 61 00:02:59,420 --> 00:03:02,577 -And thanks for walking me home. -Oh, my God! 62 00:03:04,175 --> 00:03:06,893 -Hayley! -They let me come say good-bye. 63 00:03:06,893 --> 00:03:09,090 I'm gonna miss you guys. 64 00:03:09,090 --> 00:03:10,888 Hey, how come she gets to live? 65 00:03:10,888 --> 00:03:12,887 Because I was out helping the homeless, 66 00:03:12,887 --> 00:03:15,445 -while you were here being a loser. -Oh, yeah? 67 00:03:15,445 --> 00:03:17,363 Who's the loser now, loser? 68 00:03:17,363 --> 00:03:20,040 -Mom! Steve just infected me. -Nobody likes a snitch, Hayley. 69 00:03:20,040 --> 00:03:23,317 I don't believe this. We're all gonna die! 70 00:03:23,317 --> 00:03:25,635 Yeah, tough break. Can you hold this for me? 71 00:03:25,635 --> 00:03:27,992 -What the hell are you doing? -Measuring for drapes. 72 00:03:27,992 --> 00:03:30,629 As soon as you're dead, I'm gonna completely redo this place. 73 00:03:30,629 --> 00:03:34,666 I'm thinking something vibrant, like a seafoam green. 74 00:03:34,666 --> 00:03:38,741 Oh, 'cause I'm gonna need a lot of happy to get over all this sad. 75 00:03:38,741 --> 00:03:41,578 Ooh, dimmer switches. Dimmer switches everywhere. 76 00:03:41,578 --> 00:03:43,217 What makes you think you're gonna survive? 77 00:03:43,217 --> 00:03:45,814 My species is immune to all human ailments. 78 00:03:45,814 --> 00:03:48,132 -So explain that cold sore. -Mind your own business! 79 00:03:48,132 --> 00:03:50,889 Oh, stop bickering. Time is precious. 80 00:03:50,889 --> 00:03:54,205 We have to make the most of our last 24 hours together. 81 00:03:54,205 --> 00:03:57,083 Your mother's right. We should all sit together as a family 82 00:03:57,083 --> 00:04:00,400 and watch the entire first season of 24 on DVD. 83 00:04:08,032 --> 00:04:11,348 Well, that was bold television, and we still have a minute to spare. 84 00:04:11,348 --> 00:04:13,587 I can't believe I'm gonna die a virgin. 85 00:04:13,587 --> 00:04:17,143 Aw, sweetie, there was a 70%, 80% chance of that happening anyway. 86 00:04:17,143 --> 00:04:20,700 -Daddy? -No tears, damn it! A Smith dies with dignity. 87 00:04:20,700 --> 00:04:24,974 Kids, I've been tough on you, but only because I love you so very, very-- 88 00:04:27,772 --> 00:04:30,649 -Right, I should probably wait. -This is it! 89 00:04:35,604 --> 00:04:37,403 Look! 90 00:04:37,403 --> 00:04:39,640 I was just snoozing. 91 00:04:39,640 --> 00:04:42,078 You're alive. We all are. 92 00:04:42,078 --> 00:04:46,554 That clock's always fast. Let's give it a few more minutes. 93 00:04:46,554 --> 00:04:49,790 Good news. Apparently that batch of virus was inert, so that means-- 94 00:04:49,790 --> 00:04:51,868 -We're going to be okay. -Yes. 95 00:04:51,868 --> 00:04:55,305 Although apparently your manners died years ago. 96 00:04:55,305 --> 00:04:57,303 You're welcome. 97 00:04:57,303 --> 00:04:59,780 -Hey, what's wrong, honey? -We're alive. 98 00:04:59,780 --> 00:05:01,858 I know, and that's good. 99 00:05:01,858 --> 00:05:05,175 But, well, when I thought we were gonna die, 100 00:05:05,175 --> 00:05:08,011 it made me realize how little I've done with my life. 101 00:05:08,011 --> 00:05:11,649 And now I guess I'm feeling... unfulfilled. 102 00:05:11,649 --> 00:05:14,605 Unfulfilled? But I've given you everything you could ever want. 103 00:05:14,605 --> 00:05:16,643 You clean, you cook, and once a week we lie together 104 00:05:16,643 --> 00:05:18,601 as husband and wife in sexual congress. 105 00:05:18,601 --> 00:05:22,038 What's going on? 106 00:05:22,038 --> 00:05:25,834 Hi. Barb Hanson, Exposition Realty. Let me bring you up to speed. 107 00:05:25,834 --> 00:05:28,711 Your virus scare prompted these folks to put their house on the market. 108 00:05:28,711 --> 00:05:31,389 -Any questions? -No, that was very concise. 109 00:05:31,389 --> 00:05:33,786 Give me a call if you ever need a real estate agent. 110 00:05:33,786 --> 00:05:38,422 -I'm also a hand model. -Sweet Sean Hannity, your hands are lovely! 111 00:05:38,422 --> 00:05:42,138 -Uh, come on, Francine. -Oh, boy, she seemed so confident. 112 00:05:42,138 --> 00:05:47,014 And the way she wears that smart cranberry blazer with her company's logo. 113 00:05:47,014 --> 00:05:49,611 -Her life must be so exciting. -You could do what she does. 114 00:05:49,611 --> 00:05:51,769 -You think? -Absolutely. 115 00:05:51,769 --> 00:05:54,165 We will absolutely get you a real estate costume. 116 00:05:54,165 --> 00:05:56,883 Oh, you'll look adorable. And I'll dress up as a sea captain, 117 00:05:56,883 --> 00:05:58,881 -and we can take pictures. -I mean a real job. 118 00:05:58,881 --> 00:06:02,398 No, no, it'll be great. I'll be Admiral Finch from the 58th Flotilla. 119 00:06:02,398 --> 00:06:05,075 And you'll be Lady Constantina, my real estate agent. 120 00:06:05,075 --> 00:06:07,792 And we'll promenade around the neighborhood, delighting young and old alike, 121 00:06:07,792 --> 00:06:11,949 -with our saucy banter. -I can't be a real estate agent just because you say so. 122 00:06:11,949 --> 00:06:13,666 It takes years to get a license. 123 00:06:13,666 --> 00:06:16,024 You leave that to me, milady. 124 00:06:24,096 --> 00:06:25,335 -Barb Hanson? -Yes? 125 00:06:25,335 --> 00:06:26,853 Go! 126 00:06:26,853 --> 00:06:29,610 Wait. Go! 127 00:06:30,969 --> 00:06:34,127 What? What's going on? 128 00:06:34,127 --> 00:06:37,163 Congratulations, you're in real estate. Adorable. 129 00:06:37,163 --> 00:06:39,161 Wait a minute. This is Barb's stuff. 130 00:06:39,161 --> 00:06:41,359 -What happened to her? -She'll be fine. 131 00:06:44,396 --> 00:06:47,192 Hi. Barb Hanson, Exposition Realty. 132 00:06:47,192 --> 00:06:49,471 Mind if I borrow one of your napkins? Thanks. 133 00:06:56,543 --> 00:07:00,021 -You let your wife get a job? -No, no, no. It's more like a hobby. 134 00:07:00,021 --> 00:07:02,857 You know, something to keep her busy until Stan the Man gets home. 135 00:07:02,857 --> 00:07:05,175 -I used to work in real estate. -What are you, gay? 136 00:07:05,175 --> 00:07:07,253 I was when I worked in real estate. 137 00:07:07,253 --> 00:07:10,130 Once I stopped selling houses, my sodomy cleared up like that. 138 00:07:10,130 --> 00:07:12,168 You know what's so wrong about gayness? 139 00:07:12,168 --> 00:07:14,326 If there are two men, who has the vagina? 140 00:07:14,326 --> 00:07:16,244 No kidding. You need a vagina. 141 00:07:16,244 --> 00:07:18,841 Yeah, vaginas are great. Wish I had one. 142 00:07:20,959 --> 00:07:23,038 I did it! 143 00:07:23,038 --> 00:07:26,952 -I sold my first house. -Hey, who's my big girl? 144 00:07:26,952 --> 00:07:29,711 -And such a nice family. -Oh, they're just the movers. 145 00:07:29,711 --> 00:07:31,509 The new owners are Greg and Terry. 146 00:07:34,705 --> 00:07:37,542 What were you thinking? We don't want their kind in this neighborhood. 147 00:07:37,542 --> 00:07:41,858 -You're overreacting. -Overreacting? Overreacting? 148 00:07:41,858 --> 00:07:44,615 Do you know what those two are? 149 00:07:44,615 --> 00:07:48,291 Reporters. That's right, Francine. Members of the liberal media. 150 00:07:48,291 --> 00:07:52,328 Stan, not all journalists are bad. You like Brit Hume, don't you? 151 00:07:52,328 --> 00:07:54,646 You know damn well I like Brit Hume. 152 00:07:54,646 --> 00:07:56,564 Just give Greg and Terry a chance. 153 00:07:56,564 --> 00:07:59,720 All right, but if I-- What? What the hell? 154 00:07:59,720 --> 00:08:03,996 Dimmer switch. Huh? Huh? 155 00:08:03,996 --> 00:08:07,873 Oh, I'm sorry. Too fabulous? I hate this place. 156 00:08:07,873 --> 00:08:10,470 Oh, I haven't even told you the best part. 157 00:08:10,470 --> 00:08:12,228 Look at my commission check. 158 00:08:12,228 --> 00:08:15,824 Incredible. That is more than Stan the Man makes in a month. 159 00:08:15,824 --> 00:08:17,862 And that's just for one house. 160 00:08:17,862 --> 00:08:20,060 Ooh, you have been emasculated 161 00:08:20,060 --> 00:08:23,177 by the superior earning power of your little Hausfrau. 162 00:08:27,372 --> 00:08:30,649 Ah, oh, God, stud! Stud! Hit the stud! 163 00:08:36,523 --> 00:08:38,482 Well, you're in a pickle here. 164 00:08:38,482 --> 00:08:40,999 I agree. In a relationship, money is power. 165 00:08:40,999 --> 00:08:42,997 Look, this is just a bump in the road. 166 00:08:42,997 --> 00:08:45,914 Francine's like a puppy. Sure, she's having fun chewing her new bone 167 00:08:45,914 --> 00:08:48,471 and selling a few houses, but soon she'll get bored 168 00:08:48,471 --> 00:08:51,309 and go right back to ironing my shirts and scooting her ass on the carpet. 169 00:08:51,309 --> 00:08:54,625 Open your eyes, Stan. Your very manhood is at stake. 170 00:08:54,625 --> 00:08:56,423 -Oh, that's crazy. -Is it? 171 00:08:56,423 --> 00:08:58,741 When my wife started working, I didn't think twice, 172 00:08:58,741 --> 00:09:01,218 but she kept earning more and more money. 173 00:09:01,218 --> 00:09:04,335 And then one day-- Bam! 174 00:09:04,335 --> 00:09:06,733 And I didn't even get to say good-bye. 175 00:09:13,526 --> 00:09:16,443 -Hmm. -Your very manhood is at stake. 176 00:09:16,443 --> 00:09:18,402 Your very manhood is at stake. Your ver-- 177 00:09:18,402 --> 00:09:20,279 Okay, that's it. We're not gonna carpool anymore. 178 00:09:22,678 --> 00:09:27,153 Here's to Mom. She's finally cast off the shackles of domestic servitude 179 00:09:27,153 --> 00:09:30,150 and realized her potential as a smart, independent woman. 180 00:09:30,150 --> 00:09:32,587 Hayley, how would you like a punch in the face? 181 00:09:32,587 --> 00:09:35,904 Oh, I have a little surprise. I bought you all presents. 182 00:09:35,904 --> 00:09:37,902 A donation for my homeless shelter. 183 00:09:37,902 --> 00:09:39,820 Fifty bucks towards my Game Station. 184 00:09:39,820 --> 00:09:42,577 A tie? When do I ever wear a tie? 185 00:09:42,577 --> 00:09:44,296 Thank you very much, Mrs. Smith. 186 00:09:44,296 --> 00:09:46,454 You paid? You said you were going to the bathroom. 187 00:09:46,454 --> 00:09:49,130 -I did both. -Well, you can just do it all, can't you? 188 00:09:51,249 --> 00:09:54,326 Gang, we still need a hundred bucks for that Game Station. 189 00:09:54,326 --> 00:09:56,563 Don't worry. I have a plan. 190 00:09:56,563 --> 00:09:58,481 Toshi, you have a video camera, right? 191 00:10:02,078 --> 00:10:05,594 Wow, that's a lot of words for "Of course." 192 00:10:05,594 --> 00:10:08,631 I get it. We can sell Toshi's camera and get the money. 193 00:10:08,631 --> 00:10:11,589 Whoa, Barry. Why do you always have to make everything so complicated? 194 00:10:11,589 --> 00:10:13,507 The plan is quite simple really. 195 00:10:13,507 --> 00:10:17,183 Toshi will borrow a camcorder from his parents. 196 00:10:17,183 --> 00:10:22,139 Meanwhile, Snot and I will find some lovely ladies willing to go wild, 197 00:10:22,139 --> 00:10:24,256 in exchange for a little financial aid. 198 00:10:24,256 --> 00:10:27,173 We'll have ourselves a little photo shoot. 199 00:10:27,173 --> 00:10:29,730 After that, we make thousands of duplicates, 200 00:10:29,730 --> 00:10:32,287 direct market the tapes on late-night cable television. 201 00:10:32,287 --> 00:10:34,326 And then we retire 202 00:10:34,326 --> 00:10:36,444 and live out our days playing video games. 203 00:10:40,918 --> 00:10:43,477 I got to admit. I wasn't sure about you fellas, 204 00:10:43,477 --> 00:10:45,754 but sometimes you just wanna be around other men, you know? 205 00:10:45,754 --> 00:10:49,112 -It's nice to meet you too. -Yeah, thanks for, uh, dropping in. 206 00:10:49,112 --> 00:10:51,228 I envy you guys. 207 00:10:51,228 --> 00:10:54,105 Just a couple of unmarried studs enjoying life to the max. 208 00:10:54,105 --> 00:10:56,664 -Actually, Greg was married once. -I was confused. 209 00:10:56,664 --> 00:10:58,621 Is that why you're here, Stan? Are you confused? 210 00:10:58,621 --> 00:11:01,218 Things are strained between me and the missus. 211 00:11:01,218 --> 00:11:05,055 The whole balance of power in our relationship has shifted, and, well, I don't like it. 212 00:11:05,055 --> 00:11:07,612 Oh, I don't blame you. A healthy relationship should be a partnership. 213 00:11:07,612 --> 00:11:10,370 Well, it's never really equal. Someone always ends up on top. 214 00:11:10,370 --> 00:11:12,527 Yeah, but you know, sometimes it's okay to switch. 215 00:11:12,527 --> 00:11:14,485 -Really? -Mm, down the line. 216 00:11:14,485 --> 00:11:16,883 I think I hear what you guys are saying. 217 00:11:16,883 --> 00:11:20,320 I'm the man, and I have to reclaim the power in my marriage. 218 00:11:20,320 --> 00:11:22,078 Hey, thanks, fellas. 219 00:11:24,316 --> 00:11:28,312 -Take a picture, why don't you? -I'm just being polite. It'd be rude not to look. 220 00:11:29,710 --> 00:11:31,229 Forgive me, Francine. 221 00:11:31,229 --> 00:11:33,426 I'm only doing this to save our marriage. 222 00:11:36,064 --> 00:11:39,740 What am I thinking? This is the woman I love. 223 00:11:39,740 --> 00:11:43,897 That's better. Oh, damn it! I'm such a softy. 224 00:11:43,897 --> 00:11:46,534 There's gotta be a better way to put her out of business. 225 00:11:48,051 --> 00:11:51,169 -Uh, excuse me, are you Francine's boss? -Yes. 226 00:11:51,169 --> 00:11:53,247 Go! Go! Go! 227 00:11:53,247 --> 00:11:55,285 -You're all under arrest. -For what? 228 00:11:55,285 --> 00:11:57,882 -Possession of cocaine doughnuts. -Those are powdered sugar. 229 00:11:57,882 --> 00:12:01,558 Put it in a rap song, jailbird. This office is permanently closed. 230 00:12:01,558 --> 00:12:04,515 -What are you saying? -I'm saying you're fired. 231 00:12:04,515 --> 00:12:07,353 Oh, for God's sake, somebody pay Mr. Trump. 232 00:12:09,869 --> 00:12:12,187 So you're sure we can use this house for our video shoot? 233 00:12:12,187 --> 00:12:15,545 I overheard my mom say it's been on the market so long, everybody's forgotten about it. 234 00:12:15,545 --> 00:12:19,181 Eavesdropper. You should respect her privacy. 235 00:12:19,181 --> 00:12:21,219 You guys got beer, right? 236 00:12:21,219 --> 00:12:23,377 'Cause we're not going wild and exposing our breasts without beer. 237 00:12:23,377 --> 00:12:26,494 Gotcha covered. 238 00:12:27,412 --> 00:12:30,370 What? 239 00:12:30,370 --> 00:12:33,926 We are going neither wild nor totally wild at a homeless shelter. 240 00:12:33,926 --> 00:12:36,364 But we are taking your beer. 241 00:12:36,364 --> 00:12:39,121 Hayley, you ruined everything. What are you doing here? 242 00:12:39,121 --> 00:12:41,918 I'm giving these poor, forgotten people a new lease on life. 243 00:12:41,918 --> 00:12:45,315 Um, Hayley, I think Phil is dead. 244 00:12:50,750 --> 00:12:52,948 Now we'll never get a Game Station. 245 00:12:52,948 --> 00:12:55,864 Au contraire, my dear Snot. 246 00:12:57,822 --> 00:13:00,020 Hey, honey, I just heard the news. 247 00:13:00,020 --> 00:13:02,298 Too bad about your office being closed down. 248 00:13:02,298 --> 00:13:04,416 Well, looks like I'm making more money than you again. 249 00:13:04,416 --> 00:13:06,613 I'd advise you to write an offer soon, Randy. 250 00:13:06,613 --> 00:13:08,811 Mortgage rates aren't going to stay this low forever. 251 00:13:08,811 --> 00:13:11,768 -That's real estate chatter. -Silence, you fool. 252 00:13:11,768 --> 00:13:14,565 She's closing a duplex at four percent over list. 253 00:13:14,565 --> 00:13:17,402 Francine, what the hell is going on? You were fired. 254 00:13:17,402 --> 00:13:20,919 That's passive past tense, Trump. You don't own that. 255 00:13:20,919 --> 00:13:23,597 Stan, I'm on the phone. Sorry, Randy. 256 00:13:23,597 --> 00:13:25,994 I'm working out of my home office these days. 257 00:13:25,994 --> 00:13:28,112 -Here you go, boss. -Boss? 258 00:13:28,112 --> 00:13:31,109 I'm Miss Smith's assistant. Can I get you something while you wait? 259 00:13:31,109 --> 00:13:34,106 -Uh, a bottled water. -It's not cold. Is that all right? 260 00:13:34,106 --> 00:13:36,664 Uh, forget it. 261 00:13:36,664 --> 00:13:38,582 Fran Smith and Associate. 262 00:13:38,582 --> 00:13:41,498 Hold her calls. Francine, I want you to stop this nonsense. 263 00:13:41,498 --> 00:13:43,896 Nonsense? This job is my career. 264 00:13:43,896 --> 00:13:47,213 No, my job is a career. This is just some silly housewife's hobby. 265 00:13:47,213 --> 00:13:50,649 Oh, yeah? Well, this silly housewife loves her hobby. 266 00:13:50,649 --> 00:13:53,526 She's good at it. In fact, she kicks ass. 267 00:13:53,526 --> 00:13:55,764 So her big career man husband 268 00:13:55,764 --> 00:13:58,322 -is just gonna have to deal with it. -I could have assassinated you. 269 00:13:58,322 --> 00:13:59,681 -What? -Nothing. 270 00:14:03,036 --> 00:14:05,354 It was my house first. 271 00:14:05,354 --> 00:14:07,593 You can't stand in the way of progress, butt-face. 272 00:14:07,593 --> 00:14:09,271 Hey, hey, what's going on here? 273 00:14:09,271 --> 00:14:11,109 Steve's making the homeless men in my shelter 274 00:14:11,109 --> 00:14:13,187 beat each other senseless. 275 00:14:13,187 --> 00:14:16,184 It's called "Bum Fights." I'm gonna make a fortune selling tickets. 276 00:14:16,184 --> 00:14:20,140 It's exploitation. You're making money off their pain and misery. 277 00:14:20,140 --> 00:14:23,456 All right, Hayley, I'll handle this. Let me get this straight, Son. 278 00:14:23,456 --> 00:14:25,815 You're pitting desperate, downtrodden men against one another 279 00:14:25,815 --> 00:14:27,692 in a violent confrontation for profit? 280 00:14:27,692 --> 00:14:30,250 -Yes, sir. -I'm in. 281 00:14:39,920 --> 00:14:41,878 What the hell is going on here? 282 00:14:41,878 --> 00:14:44,675 Ask Dad. He stole my whole Bum Fights idea. 283 00:14:44,675 --> 00:14:46,633 He won't even give me a piece of the action. 284 00:14:46,633 --> 00:14:49,070 Okay, I want this to be a class act. I'll introduce you both, 285 00:14:49,070 --> 00:14:51,268 you'll shake hands, and then I'll throw raw meat on the floor, 286 00:14:51,268 --> 00:14:53,467 and whoever beats the crap out of the other one gets to eat. 287 00:14:53,467 --> 00:14:56,783 Dad, you were supposed to shut this down. You're degrading these poor men. 288 00:14:56,783 --> 00:14:59,421 That's ridiculous. I'm giving them jobs and self-esteem. 289 00:14:59,421 --> 00:15:02,058 More importantly, I'm giving them costumes and a backstory. 290 00:15:02,058 --> 00:15:04,296 This is The Garbage Collector. 291 00:15:04,296 --> 00:15:08,491 He's got his own catchphrase, "I'm taking out the trash and sorting it." 292 00:15:08,491 --> 00:15:11,128 And this guy, this guy, he grew up in the bayou, 293 00:15:11,128 --> 00:15:14,245 living with alligators, wrestling with alligators. 294 00:15:14,245 --> 00:15:16,923 I call him The Aviator. 295 00:15:16,923 --> 00:15:21,518 Fight night's already sold-out. I set up a ring. Fans can make bets. 296 00:15:21,518 --> 00:15:23,676 I even put out some nice mixed nuts. 297 00:15:23,676 --> 00:15:26,114 No! Those are for people. 298 00:15:26,114 --> 00:15:29,510 I can't believe you muscled out your own son. You stink, Dad. 299 00:15:29,510 --> 00:15:31,428 Oh, come on, what's more important? 300 00:15:31,428 --> 00:15:33,947 Your hopes and dreams or me making more than your mother? 301 00:15:33,947 --> 00:15:37,302 -This is pure exploitation. I'm gonna tell Mom. -Go ahead. 302 00:15:37,302 --> 00:15:39,381 Then your homeless pals will be right back on the street, 303 00:15:39,381 --> 00:15:41,419 where the nights are cold and the fights are meatless. 304 00:15:41,419 --> 00:15:43,816 This isn't over. 305 00:15:46,094 --> 00:15:48,052 Yeah, it's been that kind of week, girlfriend, 306 00:15:48,052 --> 00:15:50,410 but, uh, hey, T.G.I. hump day, huh? 307 00:15:50,410 --> 00:15:52,288 Roger, who are you talking to? 308 00:15:52,288 --> 00:15:54,845 Tammy, down at Mencer Escrow. We're phone buddies. 309 00:15:54,845 --> 00:15:57,882 Did you copy those title reports? 310 00:15:57,882 --> 00:16:02,477 Tams, I gotta go. Yeah, the boss is being a real "Catch 'U' Next Tuesday." 311 00:16:02,477 --> 00:16:04,596 Stan the Man is back. Here you go. 312 00:16:04,596 --> 00:16:06,953 Just my little way of saying you can keep your little job. 313 00:16:06,953 --> 00:16:10,110 -A diamond ring! -I also got you a mink stole. 314 00:16:10,110 --> 00:16:13,347 Oh, my God! But, Stan, can we afford this? 315 00:16:13,347 --> 00:16:15,504 Well, you can't, but I can. 316 00:16:15,504 --> 00:16:17,822 -But how did you get-- -Shh. Smile for LeRoy Neiman. 317 00:16:17,822 --> 00:16:20,739 -He's painting us right now. -That's LeRoy Neiman? 318 00:16:20,739 --> 00:16:23,657 I know, I thought he was black too. 319 00:16:23,657 --> 00:16:26,534 I've gotta hand it to you, Dad. You really pulled it off. 320 00:16:26,534 --> 00:16:28,452 Or did you? 321 00:16:31,768 --> 00:16:33,566 You unionized the homeless? 322 00:16:33,566 --> 00:16:37,163 Yep. This is the Fighting Bums Local 302. 323 00:16:37,163 --> 00:16:40,121 Yeah! 324 00:16:40,121 --> 00:16:42,237 Here are our demands. 325 00:16:42,237 --> 00:16:45,435 "Longer red lights at freeway off-ramps. Free doggy day care. 326 00:16:45,435 --> 00:16:47,991 Human dignity"? I can't meet these demands. 327 00:16:47,991 --> 00:16:49,950 Then you better start refunding everyone's money, 328 00:16:49,950 --> 00:16:51,868 'cause there won't be any bum fights tonight. 329 00:16:51,868 --> 00:16:54,426 -No! You can't take my money. -Don't sweat it, Dad. 330 00:16:54,426 --> 00:16:56,703 I found a bum who's willing to scab. 331 00:16:56,703 --> 00:16:58,981 Now all you gotta do is dress up like a bum and fight him. 332 00:16:58,981 --> 00:17:01,219 Son, you're a lifesaver. 333 00:17:01,219 --> 00:17:05,015 All right, where's the bum who's stupid enough to step into a ring with me? 334 00:17:05,015 --> 00:17:07,612 Who the hell is that? 335 00:17:07,612 --> 00:17:09,691 -He doesn't have a name. -What do you mean? 336 00:17:09,691 --> 00:17:12,487 He killed his own name. 337 00:17:13,567 --> 00:17:15,445 Ptooey! 338 00:17:15,445 --> 00:17:18,282 My God, Steve! You couldn't get me The Aviator 339 00:17:18,282 --> 00:17:20,440 or The Tickler or Pillow Hands McGraw? 340 00:17:20,440 --> 00:17:23,756 No way! Not me! I ain't no scab! 341 00:17:25,315 --> 00:17:27,752 Dad, this is suicide. You're a weapons expert. 342 00:17:27,752 --> 00:17:30,189 When was the last time you fought hand-to-hand? 343 00:17:30,189 --> 00:17:32,627 I'll be fine, Hayley. You never forget how to fight. 344 00:17:32,627 --> 00:17:34,906 It's like beating up a bicycle. 345 00:17:38,901 --> 00:17:41,099 Don't let it eat my heart. 346 00:17:47,373 --> 00:17:49,410 This is a wonderful starter home. 347 00:17:49,410 --> 00:17:51,808 I've been saving it for a couple just like you. 348 00:17:51,808 --> 00:17:54,165 Pretty soon we're gonna be more than a couple. 349 00:17:54,165 --> 00:17:57,162 Oh, congratulations. I just thought you were fat. 350 00:17:57,162 --> 00:18:01,118 -We're adopting. -Let me show you the backyard. 351 00:18:01,118 --> 00:18:03,316 It's the perfect place for a baby to play. 352 00:18:03,316 --> 00:18:06,474 Oh, my God! 353 00:18:06,474 --> 00:18:09,031 Stop it! Stan, what are you doing? 354 00:18:09,031 --> 00:18:11,110 Leave my husband alone. 355 00:18:11,110 --> 00:18:15,066 -Look, that bum's wife has to jump in and save him. -What a wuss. 356 00:18:28,012 --> 00:18:31,369 Oh? 357 00:18:31,369 --> 00:18:33,886 It's a knockout. My dad wins! 358 00:18:33,886 --> 00:18:36,803 I lost a pile of dough on that one-thumb psycho. 359 00:18:36,803 --> 00:18:39,601 Me too. Let's exit quickly. 360 00:18:39,601 --> 00:18:42,237 I did it. I'm Stan the Man. 361 00:18:42,237 --> 00:18:45,195 -Not really. -We paid this guy to take a dive. 362 00:18:45,195 --> 00:18:48,950 -Then bet everything on you. -This whole thing was a setup? 363 00:18:48,950 --> 00:18:52,827 More of a performance piece. Hi. Ted Fiedler, method actor. 364 00:18:52,827 --> 00:18:54,785 I'm also a hand model. 365 00:18:54,785 --> 00:18:58,421 No! 366 00:18:58,421 --> 00:19:01,538 -Stan, why did you do this? -Oh, money. 367 00:19:01,538 --> 00:19:04,295 You make more of it than me. I'm a failure as a man. 368 00:19:04,295 --> 00:19:06,974 You big dope. Don't you get it? We're a team. 369 00:19:06,974 --> 00:19:08,931 I know, and you're the owner. I get it. 370 00:19:08,931 --> 00:19:11,329 No, Stan, we're equals. 371 00:19:11,329 --> 00:19:13,806 We share everything, good and bad. 372 00:19:13,806 --> 00:19:15,964 You don't have to feel threatened by my job. 373 00:19:15,964 --> 00:19:19,281 So, you mean, when you succeed, I succeed. 374 00:19:19,281 --> 00:19:21,598 Exactly. 375 00:19:21,598 --> 00:19:24,276 Hey, I was gonna hitch a ride home, but I bit my thumb off. 376 00:19:24,276 --> 00:19:26,913 -So use your other one. -Right. Thanks. 377 00:19:26,913 --> 00:19:28,912 Hey, teach a man to fish, huh? 378 00:19:33,827 --> 00:19:35,784 I made you fresh coffee. 379 00:19:35,784 --> 00:19:38,781 -Have a good day at work, partner. -Shh! 380 00:19:38,781 --> 00:19:41,379 Interest rates went up this morning by a whopping 20 points, 381 00:19:41,379 --> 00:19:43,496 sending mortgage rates soaring. 382 00:19:43,496 --> 00:19:45,854 Uh, smart play locking us in on that low fixed rate, Terry. 383 00:19:45,854 --> 00:19:48,411 -Thank you. -Said the man who is finally learning his own self-worth. 384 00:19:48,411 --> 00:19:51,369 This senseless rate hike by Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan 385 00:19:51,369 --> 00:19:53,606 has jeopardized the fragile U.S. economy 386 00:19:53,606 --> 00:19:55,963 and put every real estate agent in the country out of work. 387 00:19:55,963 --> 00:19:58,042 That's a shame. I'm sorry, hon. 388 00:19:58,042 --> 00:20:01,519 Can I keep this mouse pad? I'm keeping this mouse pad. 389 00:20:01,519 --> 00:20:03,676 Oh, well, at least I had some fun, 390 00:20:03,676 --> 00:20:06,434 and you learned there's no need to be threatened by my success. 391 00:20:06,434 --> 00:20:09,072 Absolutely. Go, Team Smith. 392 00:20:11,149 --> 00:20:13,546 It's Stan the Man. Release Greenspan's schnauzer. 393 00:20:13,546 --> 00:20:16,383 Fannie Mae! 394 00:20:16,383 --> 00:20:18,902 That's all for the morning report. We'll see you at noon. 395 00:20:18,902 --> 00:20:20,820 And I'll see you tonight. 396 00:20:20,820 --> 00:20:22,657 -Greg! -Oh, relax. Everybody knows. 397 00:21:01,939 --> 00:21:03,776 Bye-bye. See you soon.