♪ Good morning, USA ♪
♪ I got a feeling That it's gonna be A wonderful day ♪
♪ The sun in the sky Has a smile on his face ♪
♪ And he's shining a salute To the American race ♪
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
♪ Good morning, USA ♪
♪ Happy birthday, dear Mom ♪ - ♪ Dear Francine ♪
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
Time for cake.
I get the piece with the rose on it.
I called it. You heard me.
Mom, cut me an end piece!
How can you even think about eating that cake?
Do you realize how many innocent cows were raped,
or as you say "milked," to make that cake?
Shut up, Hayley.
Come on, Francine. Make a wish.
Why bother? A wish is like a dream,
and mine died years ago.
I have a wish.
I wish Francine would buy me something other than Coppola wine.
Tastes like beard hair and Sofia sweat.
Oh, yeah?
Then get your own damn wine!
And, Klaus, you want a rose?
Here's your rose!
And here's your end piece, Steve.
Don't forget to chew.
Don't worry.
There's plenty left for the rest of you!
Wow. She really seems unhappy.
Well, whatever makes her happy. It's her birthday.
Dad, it seems like every birthday,
she gets more depressed.
You okay?
Mm-hmm. And what did Mom mean that her dream died?
I don't know. I thought her dream had to do with a muffin kiosk.
Whatever happened to that?
Here's your room key. And please, have a...
Can I help you folks with your bags?
Here's your room key. And please, have a...
Can I help you folks with your bags?
Brought you a dustpan of cake.
What you watchin', honey?
Just an old TV show I had a bit part on.
I didn't know you were on TV.
So the diamond smuggler is posing as an optometrist?
That's Kate Jackson and Bruce Boxleitner!
You were on Scarecrow and Mrs. King?
Hi. Mr. and Mrs. Jones checking in.
Boxleitner, what a pro.
Here's your room key. And please, have a...
Can I help you folks with your bags?
That's George Clooney.
You were in a scene with George Clooney?
Yep. He interrupted me and stole my big moment,
and then went on to be a big star.
A big star, huh?
Okay, I still need to drop Stan's shirts off at the cleaners, buy some...
-Francine! Francine! Over here! -What the...
Over here. Francine, give us a smile.
Who are you people? Get away from me!
Who designed your dress?
What brand of tampons are you buying?
Is it true you're dating Usher?
Get in!
-Damn vultures! -Who are they?
Paparazzi I hired to follow you.
Leave her alone, you animals!
Stan, what the hell is going on?
This is your dream, right? To be a star.
Stan, I gave up on all that years ago.
I have a new dream now.
You wanna know what it is?
You really wanna know?
-Eh. -My dream...
Is to destroy George Clooney,
that arrogant, overrated, memo-writing bastard!
He's not even an actor!
He just does the same cheesy move every time.
Looks down, then looks back up
squinting underneath his eyebrows.
And everybody's buying it!
God, if I just had the chance,
I know exactly how I'd bring him down.
You see, Clooney's never fallen in love.
It's always a fling here, a fling there.
Well, I'd make him fall in love with me.
And then I'd break his heart,
and watch him cry until his eyeballs bleed.
Francine, I'm sorry, but that's the craziest,
most unsettling thing
I've ever heard in my entire life.
And we're totally gonna make it happen.
Oh, Stan,
I can't believe you're helping me
make my dream come true.
Anything to see you happy again.
Now, if you're going to seduce and destroy Clooney,
we have to go to him.
According to my intel, he starts production tomorrow
on a new movie called Dr. Love.
He plays a brilliant heart surgeon.
Let me guess.
The only heart he can't heal is his own.
Look at that. Word for word.
That knuckle-dragging son of a bitch!
Y'all done with that?
We are now beginning our descent into Prague.
And now George Clooney begins his descent into hell.
Please put your seat backs
and tray tables in the upright position.
Please put George Clooney's heart in the...
In the... in the sad right position.
Should have ended with that whole descent into hell thing.
Thank God. Our hotel room. I can't wait to lie down.
What is this?
This is Operation Tears of a Clooney.
Francine, meet Raina Markovitz,
former assassin for the KGB.
-Raina, when did you have a baby? -I didn't.
This economy is terrible.
I'll be running the war room
and doing a little bit of freelance wet nursing.
Stan, what's going on?
Francine, we're here to break George Clooney's heart.
This is war, and no war is won
without a crack squad of murderers and thieves.
And rapists. Sorry, Franz.
Thank you.
Boy, when Mom and Dad get back from their trip,
they're gonna be pissed you turned the swimming pool into a vineyard.
All done, Mrs. Smith.
Fifty grapevines and 12 tons of soil.
Great. Just charge it to my Costco account.
Sure. You'll be glad to know that a portion of your purchase
goes to help foster children in the greater Lang...
You lost me at "help." Now to plant my vineyard.
Explain these foster thingies.
Foster children?
You know, wayward children taken in by families.
When you say "wayward," I hear "eager."
And when you say "children," I hear "migrant workers."
Roger, what in the hell are you...
You should get that cough checked out.
Costco has doctors now.
Just check in with the lady who hands out the apple sausage.
As you can see, Mrs. Smith,
we are positioned directly across the street
from Clooney's hotel.
Are they building a basketball court
in his hotel room?
Clooney has it written into all of his movie contracts.
What do the Coen brothers see in him?
Stan, we've arranged for you to be Clooney's bodyguard.
So you can be our man on the inside.
Excellent.
So when do I start wooing Clooney?
So naive.
Francine, meet Sergei Petkov,
Europe's greatest serial killer profiler.
I've enlisted him to help you get inside Clooney's head.
After much analysis, I've determined
three crucial truths about Clooney.
First, though he has never fallen in love,
he believes in love at first sight.
How do you know that?
I found a quote of him saying so on Google.
Can I just say hooray for Google?
It's made my job so much easier.
It's the best search engine around.
Second, Clooney is completely in love with himself.
Therefore, you must become him.
We have experts who will help you master his interests.
From practical jokes to potbellied pigs,
to motorcycles, to golf,
-to speaking Italian. -Ciao, bella.
The final key to Clooney is resisting his charm.
Men and women alike find it irresistible
and kiss his ass until they are sucked inside.
But if you stay out of his ass,
he will pursue you
until he is all the way up yours.
Here is diagram.
That's right, foster children. Hard work builds character.
-Water break, boss? -Oh, honey, don't call me boss.
That makes me feel like some kind of monster.
Call me dad.
-Water break, Dad? -No.
Roger, I am sick of sharing the house
with all these foster kids.
This is over!
Samantha. Megan.
Steve, meet your new personal assistants.
Ladies, take a memo.
"Boing!"
Sincerely, Steve Smith. Dictated but not read.
Hello. Hold on.
Hayley, it's Dr. Kirkland from Costco.
Hello. My test results.
Entrare.
Excuse me, Mr. Clooney. I'm Stan, your new bodyguard.
Bodyguard?
Who needs a bodyguard when I got the boys,
my best friends, migliori amici.
Now, how'd my boys like to try out
the new motorcycles I bought 'em?
Yeah, all right!
Cloon-tang! Cloon-tang! Cloon-tang! Cloon-tang!
Oh. Cloon-tang.
'Cause you get a lot of cleaver.
How's his heart, Doctor?
-Better. -Cut!
Brilliant, George.
Hey, you!
My boys just called me from a freighter headed for China.
-Was that your doing? -Uh, well, I...
That is the best practical joke ever.
It's even better than the time
I switched Julia Roberts' fetus with a rat.
Sonogram comes back and she's all, "Huh?"
Stan, you are officially one of my boys now.
Here. I got you a pipe.
Thanks, but I don't smoke pipes.
No one does. I'm bringing 'em back.
We'd all like to scratch our nose, Curtis.
Enough!
You cannot keep treating these kids
like your personal...
Save your strength, Hayley.
Have some of the squash Rebecca made.
Hello. Hayley, it's the Make-A-Wish Foundation!
Hello. Wow.
So you're patching him through right now?
Well, just hang in there, little darling.
I'm pulling for you.
Who was that?
Some sick kid. She sounded hot.
What the...
Who are you?
Wow, Cloon-tang.
From the look on your face,
I'd say that's love at first sight.
But you probably don't believe in that.
No, Stan.
I do.
Save those grapevines, kids. Come on.
Put your Christmas buckets to use
and keep the warm water coming.
Speaking of presents,
thanks again for my meerschaum bent dimple.
And thank you for my Ser Jacopo Flammata.
Girls.
Stop.
The kids will freeze.
Hayley, it's too cold for you out here.
I'm fine. I'm gonna beat this, you know.
Sure you are.
Hey, son, why don't you go inside
and get some eggnog.
Oh, really? Thank you.
Just half a cup. I'm not that thirsty.
Are you sure it's her, Stan?
I'm sure.
I haven't been able to get her out of my head for months.
I've never felt this way before.
-This is it. -Thanks, amigo.
Hey, you like the muttonchops?
Bringing 'em back.
There she is.
Hi, there. I'm George Clooney.
Mm-hmm.
-Here's your Guinness. -Guinness?
That's my favorite.
Mine too.
♪ I've got you ♪
♪ Under my skin ♪
♪ I've got you ♪
♪ Deep in the heart of me ♪
♪ So deep in my heart ♪
♪ That you're really A part of me ♪
♪ I've got you ♪
♪ Under my skin ♪
♪ I've tried so ♪
♪ Not to give in ♪
♪ I've said to myself This affair ♪
♪ Never will go so well ♪
She's the first girl I've ever loved, Stan.
And when she comes over tonight, I'm gonna tell her.
I'm gonna give her my heart completely.
And if she rejects it,
it'll kill me.
Who could reject you, amigo?
Hey, I ever tell you about the time I nailed Roseanne Barr?
Yeah, buddy, you did.
Tonight is the night.
Let's wish Francine good luck in the final step
of her obsessive endeavor
to destroy another human being!
Finally, it's over.
No more pretending I like that smug jackass.
You were great, honey.
And you can finally get rid of those hideous muttonchops.
I think I'll go shave 'em off right now.
Francine, I have surprise for you.
I just had hidden cameras installed in Clooney's suite.
That way you'll always have video of him weeping like a little girl.
Petkov.
Wait! There is someone at Clooney's door.
Stan! What's he doing there?
Cloon-tang, I love you too much to let this happen.
Francine's a fraud.
She's a housewife from Virginia out to hurt you. Look.
Oh, my God. I can't believe it.
I almost had my heart broken.
But you saved me.
Hey, bros before hos.
Honey, I'm back.
Turns out we didn't have any shaving cream.
So I took a tour of the Prague shaving cream factory
figuring I'd get a free sample at the end, but I didn't.
That was a wild-goose chase.
Oh, and I was thinking.
When you confront Clooney tonight,
don't be surprised if he doesn't cry.
He is an actor.
Bros before hos. Bros before hos. Bros before hos.
-Bros before hos. Bros before hos. -No.
Honey, I can explain. It's not how it looks.
Damn it, you got him all wrong, Francine.
He's the greatest guy in the world.
He's taking me to his villa on Lake Como.
I didn't mean to fall under his spell. I'm only human.
I'm only human!
My chop!
You betrayed me, Stan.
And since now I'll never be able to break Clooney's heart,
I must kill him.
No!
Let me go, Stan!
Sorry, Francine. You need to cool down.
And then tomorrow I'm shipping you back to the States.
In the meantime, I'm gonna go meet George.
He's at a mountaintop spa
trying to clear his head of this crazy chick.
Oh, I mean you.
And one, two, three. And one, two, three. And one, two...
Hey, this area is for vineyard personnel only.
We're from Child Protective Services.
We received a phone call that the children under your care
are being forced to work as your slaves.
Why, that's absurd.
These children are merely playing
Happy Fun Vineyard from Milton Bradley.
I promised God that if I beat this thing,
I'd help save these poor kids from you.
Judas!
Come on, children. We're taking you far away from this man.
Hooray! We're gonna go home!
But we don't have a home!
I let you kiss each other while I watched
and this is how you repay me?
My babies. My babies!
Who's gonna stomp on my babies?
Oh! Oh! This is swill.
Yeah, take 'em away. They did a horrible job.
Hello. Oh, hey, Dad.
I wanted to let you know that your mother is coming home tomorrow
but I'll be staying a little while longer.
Francine! How did you...
♪ Who will save your soul ♪
Well, I'd better run.
George Clooney's head is about to have a big opening weekend.
Wait. I've gone along with you on this whole thing,
no questions asked.
But now I gotta know. What the hell, Francine?
What is this really about?
I mean, I hate Susan Sarandon,
but you don't see me cutting off my hand.
I just cut my hair different for a while.
What is this about?
Just look at that with cucumbers on his eyes!
Not a care in the world.
No making school lunches, no grocery shopping, no cleaning the house,
no one depending on him all the time.
Oh, God.
This isn't about some unfulfilled dream.
You're having a midlife crisis
and you're taking it out on a future senator from California.
Midlife crisis?
Wait. Future senator?
I will chop his head in two!
Francine, don't you see?
Sure, Clooney has no cares, no one that depends on him,
but he has no one that depends on him.
But you, you have a family,
a son, a daughter,
and a husband who took a sabbatical from work,
moved to Prague,
and hired mercenaries to help his wife seduce another man.
You probably would have let me sleep with him.
Of course. I assumed you did.
I'm the luckiest girl in the world.
You know, I actually feel sorry for him.
He'll never know this kind of happiness.
Let's go home.
Honey, have you seen my garment bag?
Right here. Do you have my hand?
Yeah, it's in the cooler by the door.
I'll be right back. I have some unfinished business.
Stan, my boy.
I can't bump, George.
What's wrong?
-I'm leaving. -What do you mean?
-Where? -I'm leaving you, George.
What?
You almost had me.
It's like the time I told Cathy Zeta her mom killed her...
I'm not joking!
I've just got other priorities.
But we'll still be bros, right?
Whatever it is, we can make it work.
I'm sorry.
Stan, I can change!
It's not you, George. It's me.
Oh, Stan, this is the best birthday present
you've ever given me!
Hey, that's right. Look at that. It's after midnight.
Happy 40th birthday, honey.