♪ Good morning, USA ♪
♪ I got a feeling That it's gonna be A wonderful day ♪
♪ The sun in the sky Has a smile on his face ♪
♪ And he's shining a salute To the American race ♪
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
♪ Good morning, USA ♪
Okay, Frank.
Let's see how well you know your buddy Dennis.
What is his favorite wattage of lightbulb?
Seventy-five?
Ooh, sorry. The answer is 60.
Seventy-five? What the hell?
That clip was provided by the fun, new game show, Best Buddiez!
That's right, Greg.
And next week, Best Buddiez! Is taping right here in Langley Falls
with a grand prize of $200,000.
And your favorite anchor-partners
are gonna be contestants.
Because, after all, we are just buddies,
according to the government.
And Terry's father.
I need a best buddy.
All right! I'm packed and ready to party.
Party time!
Enjoy your last look at my ass
'cause I'm gonna party it off.
I'm going to my best friend Bobo Peterson's bachelor party in Atlantic City.
You got a best buddy?
Can I be your second best buddy?
Let's see. How do I hang an air freshener on this?
You are a total waste of space.
I often dream of killing you.
Ah, mountain pine.
Oh, I almost forgot Bobo's gag gift.
Ach, Gott. Is little Rogie gonna cry?
Because if you are,
I'll put on some Edie Brickell and join you.
Oh, good. Stan hasn't left for the bachelor party.
Just want to put a few things in his suitcase.
Our wedding photo. Steve's first pinecone turkey.
A pamphlet on full-blown AIDS.
Stan might be an insensitive feelings-hurter,
but he'd never cheat on you.
It's not Stan I'm worried about.
It's the female entertainment I don't trust.
Men throw a little cash at 'em, they'll do anything.
Then sometimes, when you're on the floor with another girl,
guys will throw money, then pick it up
and throw the same singles out there again.
Like I'm an idiot.
Like I don't have peripheral vision?
Hey, if you want, I could go along
and keep an eye on Stan.
It'd be the perfect chance for us to bond.
Come on, Roger. He'd never let you go.
Oh, I can be very persuasive.
Surprise!
Look in your heart! I'm praying to you.
Look in your heart.
You can't do this. It's not right!
It's a wrong situation.
I-I couldn't help it. It's my nature.
Somebody hands me an angle, I play it.
I don't deserve to die for that.
Do you think I do?
This is not us.
This is some hop dream. I'm praying to you.
I can't die!
I can't die out here in the woods!
What the hell are you talking about?
It's from my favorite movie, Miller's Crossing.
Bravo, Joel and Ethan Coen.
I mean, there are some proud parents, huh?
Some nachas for the Coens?
Hurry up. That's the fifth pair you've tried on.
I want to see how my boy goods look in yellow.
Oh, yeah!
Sold and...
Sold.
Hey, Trudy.
-Oh. Hi... -It's Steve.
I spend a lot of time by the senior lockers staring at you.
Oh, well, it's nice bumping into you.
I'm gonna wear these out.
You go to Georgetown?
I'm a woman's studies major at Groff Community College.
I know Groff.
That's the school my retarded cousin took classes at.
-I'm Hayley. -I'm Miles.
You know, maybe we could go out some...
Well, nice meeting you.
Did you see that?
Miles and I had a total connection.
Yeah. So did me and Trudy.
Miles would be so much happier with me.
What do you say we give 'em a little nudge towards happiness?
You mean, break them up?
Mm-hmm.
-For their own good. -For their own good.
Bachelor party!
Let's kill some hookers!
Bobo, you crazy old herpes spreader!
There's Lieutenant Herpes. Heh!
Or is it Captain Herpes now?
Stan, I haven't seen you since college.
What are you doing here?
What do you mean? I'm here for my best friend's bachelor party.
I got your Evite.
Oh. My secretary must have accidentally sent that.
Accidentally sent...
Get outta here, you crazy old herpes spreader!
Will you please stop calling me that?
Oh, I got you a present.
It's an Asian sex doll. Huh, remember in college?
You were always talking about climbing the Great Wall of Vagina?
Uh, Stan,
this is my future father-in-law, Reverend Hideki Obayashi.
Ohhh.
I don't understand.
I thought Bobo and I were friends.
How could someone have changed so much in 22 years?
Come on, Stan... I mean, Mr. Moskowitz.
You and I can still do it up.
Cheer up, Stan. Hey, watch this.
So, uh, driver, you been doin' this for a long time?
Actually, my wife and I just moved out here...
There he is!
Hey, watch this, watch this.
Think we can get two?
Sorry. My finger hit the button by accident. What were you saying?
Oh, that's okay.
I was saying when my wife and I first moved out here...
♪ I'm having a good time Having a good time ♪
♪ I'm a shooting star Leaping through the sky ♪
♪ Like a tiger defying The laws of gravity ♪
♪ Oh, I'm burnin' through The sky, yeah ♪
♪ 200 degrees ♪
♪ That's why they call me Mr. Fahrenheit ♪
♪ I'm traveling At the speed of light ♪
♪ I wanna make A supersonic man Out of you ♪
♪ Don't stop me now ♪
♪ I'm having such a good time I'm having a ball ♪
♪ Don't stop me now ♪
♪ If you wanna have A good time ♪
♪ Just give me a call ♪
♪ Don't stop me now ♪
♪ I'm having a good time ♪
♪ Don't stop me now ♪ Yes, I'm having a good time ♪
♪ I don't want To stop at all ♪
Were you able to sneak into Miles's locker?
Piece of cake.
This isn't my earring.
How'd it get in your back pocket?
I... I don't know.
The seeds of mistrust have been sown.
This is so nice.
Y-You know, we should...
We should buy this place.
Oh, we... we should totally buy this place.
B-But let's not just say it.
No, no, we're gonna do it. Absolutely.
I'll... I'll move some things around.
Your turn.
Are they on?
You gotta turn it past 20!
Cold, cold, cold, cold, cold, cold, cold!
-Warm! -Who needs Bobo?
This is the... This is the greatest, best night ever.
Hey, thanks for cheering me up.
You're a... You're a real pal.
Really?
You mean we're... buddies?
A-Are you kidding? Hey, we're best buddies.
Best bud... Oh, my God. I need a-another Tecate.
Hand me... Hand me a Tecate.
To best buds, b-by Earth standards.
Wh-Why do you...
Why do you have to qualify it like that?
No, it's great. I-It's just on my planet,
best buds have a ritual where they just really connect.
Well, w-we connect.
Yeah, but I mean there's this thing that we do,
and only best friends can do it,
and I-it bonds you for life.
Oh, let's do that! How do we do that?
It's kind of a probe thing.
Whatever. Let's go!
Uh, I-I don't know.
It might be a little intense, you know.
In an instant, you know everything about the other person.
I mean, it's like...
It's like having a thousand conversations at once.
Do it to me!
Ah, I don't want to mess things up.
How would this mess things up?
It's only gonna make things better.
You think so? I-I do. I really do.
Well...
Okay! Let's do this.
Whoa, wait. You know...
You know this may be a little too, uh... uh... Oh!
♪ Oh, say can you see ♪
Hi.
What time is it?
Uh, I don't know.
Early.
Dressed already? Where you goin'?
I was, uh, gonna... Gonna get some coffee.
Ooh, sounds like heaven.
I'm also a little nibbly nib. You wanna grab some brunch?
Uh, we should... we should probably just head on home.
Can I, uh, have my shirt back?
Oh, boo. It's so comfy.
Tell you what. Why don't I give it back to you after I wash it?
You know, I-I got to admit, I was nervous about goin' there last night,
but you were right. We were totally ready.
Kinda like how you were ready for sleepaway camp in third grade
even though you cried in the car all the way there.
How... How do you know that?
Well, I know all your memories now.
Just like you know all mine, right?
I don't know anything anymore.
Huh. You didn't get any of my memories?
That's weird. Must be an alien thing.
Last night was spectacular.
I am super glad we did that.
Don't fill up. I'm making stuffed game hens for dinner.
Oh, Stan loves game hens.
Remember how Aunt Ida used to make 'em for you before the arthritis?
-No. -Yes, you do. Kidder.
I didn't expect you two home so early.
Oh, Francine, it was fantastic.
Stan and I took our friendship to a whole new...
Nothing happened! We went to the bachelor party and then went to bed.
-No big whoop. -No big... whoop?
I know it's silly, Stan, but I was so worried
you'd end up doing something you'd regret.
Stan, how could you say nothing special happened?
Because I just want to forget about it, okay?
I was drunk, and I made a mistake,
and we're never gonna talk about it again.
What are you boys whispering about?
Different types of sandwiches!
Hmm.
Are you sure nothing happened last night?
I told you. Nothing happened.
Yes. Nothing.
Excuse me.
Thank you, Francine. The sandwich was delicious.
So, how are the kids?
Now that the seeds of mistrust are sprouting,
we must harvest them.
Hello?
Miss Lawrence, just a few questions for a fitness survey.
Where do you typically work out?
-At the gym. -Good. And where is it located?
About three miles north of here.
After you work out, how do you relax?
I get a massage.
And when your car's not in drive, it's in?
-Park. -And if you're from Brazil, you're?
You're Brazilian.
Look, is this a crank call?
-Hold, please. -I can't wait around. I'm leaving to meet...
-Did you get it? -Got it.
Please leave a message.
Hello? Gym.
Who's Jim?
I can't wait to massage your Brazilian crank.
Meet me at three at the
♪ West end ♪ -of the park.
I'm... leaving... Miles.
She must have dialed my number by mistake.
She's cheating on me.
Roger, what's going on with Stan?
He's been acting very nervous and secretive.
You can add distant and hurtful to that list.
Something happened in Atlantic City, didn't it?
-No. -Roger, look at me.
What happened in Atlantic City?
Why don't you ask your husband!
I'll thank you to leave now.
Stan Smith.
Hello?
Roger, I know it's you.
I can hear your humidifier.
-What you doin'? -Stop calling me here!
We need to talk about Atlantic City.
Francine's asking questions,
and I don't know what to tell her.
Tell her nothing! Look, I have work to do.
Don't hang up! I will not be ignored, Stan.
I'll come down there.
Oh, yeah, I'll come down there, and I will make such a scene.
Okay, okay, just calm down.
Remember, I'm your buddy.
Are you?
'Cause you're not acting like it!
Look, meet me in the parking lot behind Big Buy.
And whatever you do, don't say anything to Francine.
Oh, I will find out what happened in Atlantic City.
I guarantee you that!
Ooh, can I help?
How could you help? You're a fish.
Oh, okay.
Could you just press play on that boom box
on your way out?
♪ I quit, I give up ♪
♪ Nothing's good enough ♪
♪ For anybody else ♪
I'm assuming this is gonna go well,
so I got us hot wings.
There's $10,000 in this briefcase.
We're buying that hotel!
-Oh, Staniel! -Get off me!
The money's for you to get a new start somewhere.
You're paying me to go away?
You bastard!
You pushed me into this!
I told you it would ruin our friendship,
but you said, "No, let's go. Do it to me."
So I gave myself to you.
Why the hell can't you just let this go?
Because you were my first.
I had no idea.
I wanted a buddy.
But now I never want to see you again.
You were supposed to come after me!
What? You crazy psycho bitch! Leave me alone!
-This conversation isn't over! -Yes, it is!
Trying to get rid of me? I'll kill us both!
What the hell was that?
I'm not hurt. It's a miracle!
I think you're still on top of it. Back up.
Oh, my God! I hit Francine!
We should probably leave a note.
Hello, I'm Dr. Gupta.
Yes, I'm a woman. I suppose you have a problem with that.
Uh, no. Is my wife gonna be okay?
Are you questioning my competence?
No, I'm just concerned about my wife.
Really? 'Cause the way you're looking at me,
it seems like you're concerned with something else.
There. Now can we move on?
When you ran over your wife, twice,
it caused her brain to detach from her central nervous system.
She's what we in the medical profession call "a husk."
I've heard of that.
We can reattach her brain,
but it's an experimental procedure
your insurance won't cover.
That's my wife.
I don't care how much it is, I'll pay it.
It's $178,000.
What if I don't need her to talk?
There's Miles.
He thinks Trudy's meeting Brazilian Jim here.
And there's Trudy.
She thinks Miles is meeting Earring Girl.
They'll break up with each other.
Then we'll swoop in and comfort them.
I'm sick of your lies!
Where's that Brazilian douche bag?
You're the liar! Where's your whore?
I really think Miles and I have a future.
Yeah, there's something about Trudy's soul that warms me.
His face!
Oh, my God!
Her bod!
-I'm out. -Yeah, me too.
How much for the porcelain poodles?
$178,000.
I may be back.
Hey! What are Gypsy Rose Lee and Mama Rose doin' here?
I'm selling them to raise money for Francine's operation.
Sell your own stuff!
Why should I? This is all your fault.
Oh, call off the dogs.
I found the perfect piece for your study.
You've got to be kidding.
What? You love Southwestern art.
No, I love pre-Columbian artifacts.
Ooh. The bag boy at Whole Foods isn't watching.
You don't have to show off.
If we're gonna win on Best Buddiez! tonight,
you're gonna have to know me a hell of a lot better than that.
I want that $200,000.
Best Buddiez!
That's it!
What the hell are we doing on this show?
We're doing this for Francine. Remember?
I know everything about you.
I'll answer a few questions,
and that grand prize is ours.
And now here's your hosts,
America's favorite bosom buddies,
Peter Scolari and Wendie Jo Sperber.
Welcome to Best Buddiez!,
where you can whore your knowledge of your buddy
for thousands of dollars.
First up, Langley Falls local anchor-partners and best buddies,
Greg and Terry.
She's a real estate agent and former hand model.
He's a pirate-theme children's literature critic.
Best buddies, Barb Hanson and Cap'n Monty.
And finally, a CIA agent and a European recording star.
Oh, like they're gonna check.
Best buddies, Stan and Roger.
Okay. Terry, what is Greg's favorite appetizer?
Oh, that's easy. It's potato skins.
No. It's wasabi tuna in a raddicchio sauce.
Even I think that's gay.
We are kicking their ass!
And now it's time for... the reversal round.
Uh-oh.
Wait. I have to answer questions about you?
Why didn't you tell me this?
I didn't know they had a second round.
Ten minutes of this crap is usually all I can take.
Stan and Roger, you're only down 10 points.
If you get this final question,
you'll win the game and the money.
Stan, what is Roger's favorite movie?
I... I have no idea.
Sure you do.
Look in your heart, Stan.
Oh, I've got it!
White Chicks.
Oh, Franiel!
The doctor said there's no hope of recovery
without that operation.
I failed her.
Thanks for being here with me.
You're a true friend.
That's what I've been trying to tell you.
I guess I've been kind of a jerk.
Well, I can get a little needy.
Can we just pretend all this never happened?
All what never happened?
You know, in the Jacuzzi, when you...
Oh! Oh. You were pretending like all this never happened.
You were already... Okay. All right. I-I got it. I-I'm with you.
Well, I guess it's time to call the kids
and let them know we've lost Mommy forever.
Don't mind me. Woman in the room.
Stan, wait!
What if I performed the surgery?
What are you talking about? It's a highly specialized operation.
You don't know how to do that.
True, but, uh,
I'm a fast learner.
Roger, once again, great job on that surgery.
Yeah, it was touch and go there for a while.
But all's well that ends well.
What's this one, Mom?
That's right. Ball.