♪ Good morning, USA ♪
♪ I got a feeling That it's gonna be A wonderful day ♪
♪ The sun in the sky Has a smile on his face ♪
♪ And he's shining a salute To the American race ♪
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
♪ Good morning, USA ♪
♪ Hey ♪
♪ I got you, babe ♪
♪ They say our love Won't pay the re... ♪ Good morning.
Don't you die on me, you bastard! You've never given up on anything before.
Fight, damn you, fight!
Code Red! My manual for the ES weapons system is AWOL.
Drop everything and help me find it! I said, drop everything!
-But Stan... -Drop it!
Good. Now, clean that up and help me look.
Hey, Dad. I wanna ask out Carly Mills. How can I make her like me?
-By finding my manual. -Chicks dig that. -
My manual! Hayley, what the hell is that?
My animal rights group rescued him from a product testing lab.
These poor creatures are being shampooed up to 10 times a day!
-Get it out of my house! -I can't.
Everyone's counting on me to give it sanctuary,
until its hair loses its volume and luster!
Morning, everybody. Hey, look. That monkey has a Hayley on its ass.
-Oh, go to hell. -Are you drunk?
Workin' on it. FYI, I backed into my TV, and it died.
So I need a new one.
Too bad. I'm still paying off that Ab-Lounge you never used once.
Hey, that was false advertising.
If they called it a "lounge," it should come with martinis,
and guys in ironic trucker hats, like on The OC
which I'm missing, 'cause I have no TV.
-And here we are. -Forget it.
But I'm a shut-in. TV's all I have.
You think you have problems? I'm demonstrating a new weapon today,
and I have no idea how it works.
What if I kill someone?
-What if I don't kill someone? -Speaking of killing,
you know what the French call an "orgasm"?
"The little death." It harks back to the Middle Ages,
when only midgets were allowed to have orgasms.
It's true! Read the Bible.
Senators, I am proud to present
the exoskeletal weapons system.
-Hmm. -For though the ES is a killing machine,
it can also perform the most delicate of tasks,
be it defusing a bomb, or adjusting the pearls...
of a handsome woman from California.
Senator Feinstein?
-Are you sure it's safe? -In less skilled hands, absolutely not!
You'd be torn asunder! But so great is my confidence in Agent Smith,
that I am putting my reputation, and your life, in his hands.
-Uh, sir? -Not now, Smith.
Behold! Man and machine in an elegant pas de deux of precision and finesse.
Agent Smith, you're out of control!
It's not like I killed her. Hell, she should thank me.
-Now she can park wherever she wants. -Your boss was pretty steamed.
Oh, you wouldn't believe the way he tore into me, Doyle.
I mean, worse than the roughest gay porno you ever had to do
to pay off your gambling losses at the Bellagio.
-Wha'? -Yeah.
You... You've got quite the back story, don't you?
Steve? Put your mom on.
Hey, is that Stan?
Did you buy me a TV?
For cryin' out loud, quit nagging me, you harpy!
My God! That's how he talks to his wife?
How else can I get you to listen? You don't respect me.
Why should I respect you? You're fat and lazy!
Now, send Hayley down to the Cloak to pick me up,
or I'll kick your ass when I get home!
Poor Francine! She's so sweet and kind,
and pretty.
Oh, great. I know where this is goin'. Can I at least watch this time?
It's about time, Hayley. Who the hell are you?
Genius, it's me. Styled the wig myself.
I look great. Get in!
Here we are.
Thank God! I just want to go upstairs, and sleep this off, and...
Big Buy? What the hell?
Ah-ah! Not till you buy me a new TV.
I will never buy you a TV!
Fine! Then you can walk home!
You idiot!
Cops already?
What, are we next door to a freakin' Krispy Kreme?
You're thinking about doughnuts, now?
No, I'm just sayin' the cops got here fast.
What the hell do fast cops have to do with a Krispy Kreme?
-Because cops love doughnuts! -You are not making any sense!
Good evening, Officer, is there a...
Hey, Stan?
Now that you're stuck at home, I could really use your input
on redecorating the living room.
Francine, the court order says I'm not allowed to leave the house.
It doesn't say I have to give a crap about what it looks like.
Come on! What do you think of this Incan wish bowl?
They say if you touch it and make a wish, it'll come true.
I wished it would look good on this table.
-And it does! -Well, yes.
But there's gotta be a scientific explanation.
-Bye, everyone. Don't wait up. -Where the hell do you think you're going?
-I got fourth row at Mamma Mia! -What? You can't leave the house!
Well, what am I supposed to do here? I don't have a TV, remember?
You think you can stick me with a DUI,
and then head off to a fabulous show you know I've been dying to see?
-No way! -Says who?
-Says me, head of this household. -Well, you suck at it!
Oh, dear. Roger is touching the Incan wish bowl.
You think you could do any better? You wouldn't last a day in my shoes.
All you know how to do is bitch.
Stan is also touching the wish bowl.
I have a bad feeling about this.
I bitch because I have no power around here, bitch.
If I did, we'd all be a lot happier!
I wish we could trade places.
What is that?
What's happening?
Klaus, stop it!
Give me that. You'll break it.
So, were you serious about trading places?
Hey, you want to get a job, pay the bills, deal with everyone's problems?
Be my guest. When it all gets too much for you,
-I'll be getting drunk up in the attic! -Fine!
See how you like life on the bottom rung!
I'll be a better man of the house than you ever were!
If that were a real wish bowl, it would be in the Ferrari
of a 600-year-old Incan on the way to his job
as Jessica Alba's G-string.
Stan? As long as you're still under house arrest,
I might as well give you a conjugal visit.
Mornin', friendly.
Stan, how long are you and Roger gonna keep up this ridiculous swap?
Until he appreciates how hard it is to be me!
Trust me, by the end of the day, he'll be a nervous wreck.
Ta-da! How do I look?
Employable? Or very employable?
-Is that my pantsuit? -Yeah. It's a little drab,
but I shuzzed it up with a white belt.
Dad, I really need your help with Carly Mills.
-I burn for her. -Hey, I'm the man of the house now. I'll help ya.
-What's she like? -Um, well, she's a cheerleader.
Got it! Rah-rahs like hunky jocks, right?
Just do some push-ups! She'll be all over ya, Tiger.
-Great idea, Roger! -Down low. Too slow.
Poor kid. Never really had a father.
Hey, Mom. When you go to the market, can you pick up some insect larva?
-Write it down. -Hayley, I said no monkeys!
And I said it was okay.
I'm gonna build a habitat in the basement.
Well, habitat slash theater workshop.
In six weeks, we'll have
the best all-monkey production of Cats you've ever seen.
Welcome back to The $100,000 Pyramid.
David Faustino, you're in the Winner's Circle. Go!
Uh, okay. I was once America's sweetheart.
Uh, I ruined my marriage for a quick fling.
"Uh... Oh," Please, Tom Hanks, I'm begging you.
-"Do another movie with me?" -Things Meg Ryan would say?
This is what Roger does? He just sits here and watches this crap all day?
-What am I missing? -An elevated blood alcohol content.
Things you eat. Things that are fruit.
Oh! Oh! Oh! Things you peel! Aha!
I'm halfway up the Pyramid.
You're watching The Price Is Right.
Shut up, Hayley. Oh, oh, oh. Things that wear pants.
Thanks for the job, Mr. Fusfeld.
You're gonna be a great car salesman, Roger.
Knock 'em dead.
A bullpen! Oh, it's like a sitcom come true.
I'm part of a workplace ensemble.
I bet he's the sarcastic guy,
and he's the dumb guy!
Oh, my God. He must be the black guy who doesn't talk!
Hello.
He is! Oh, oh, don't tell me.
-You're the slut. I'm the new guy. -Hey, new guy.
-I'm gonna crush you! -Ooh, you're my nemesis!
You're my Newman. My Louie De Palma.
My bitchy sister on that awful Jim Belushi abortion.
Planning to foil me, are ya? Game on!
Listen up, Corky. I'm winning that sales contest.
Get in my way and I'll bury you.
"Chuck" Berry you. That's right. In your mouth.
Roger, right? I'm Philip. I see you've met Maria.
Whoo! She is a total C-word.
Hey, we're all guys here, I'll say it. Cuckoo-head.
-What was she talkin' about? -Whoever sells the most cars by Friday
-wins a week in Hawaii. -Hawaii? That's where Japan goes to play golf!
Don't get your hopes up. Maria always wins. And she's ruthless.
-Be careful around her, pal. -What a nice guy.
He's my sidekick. Larry to my Balki. Son to my Sanford.
"Leave It" to "My Beaver."
Okay, uh, uh, I like it when you place your documents face down.
Uh, I'm most efficient with a dedicated phone line.
Uh, uh, Error Type L6.
-I give up. -Things a fax machine would say.
-Come on! That was an easy one. -That was my whole day.
Honey, I'm home!
-How was your first day on the job? -Great!
When I win my sales contest, I'm taking us all to Hawaii!
Roger, I took your advice and did some push-ups.
Check out my guns. Oh, my God, Steve.
Okay, truth time. Are you on steroids?
-'Cause that's how freaky big you look. -Oh, come on!
Time for Phase Two. After dinner, we'll take some sexy pictures
and you can slip 'em in Carly's locker.
Show her the new you.
But, Roger, you promised to help me pick out sofa fabrics tonight.
No prob. I can do it all. Unlike some people.
I just have to feed Hayley's monkeys.
You guys, save the poop-flinging for the cast party.
Things that are getting fat.
Things that might be wrong, and Roger might be right.
Things that should buck up! Things that will be proven right in the end.
Oh, things that are just kidding themselves.
Things that are useless. Things that are getting soft.
Things that are stupid, dumb stupid-heads.
Things that miss being needed.
Things that need more wine to make the pain go away!
Give a warm island aloha to Fusfeld Motors'
top salesman, Roger Smith!
Roger's joined by Hawaiian celebrities Magnum, PI, and Greg Brady!
Roger, Roger, Roger, Roger...
-Roger! Wake up, damn it! -Uh, huh? What?
-You can't sell cars in your sleep, boy. -I'm sorry.
I was up late last night, helping my family with...
You haven't sold a single car yet!
Get busy, or you're fired.
I can't get fired. I promised my family that trip to Hawaii.
Don't worry, pal. I'll help you win.
Why would you go out of your way to help me?
I'm sick of Maria winning all the time.
If she loses that contest to me, it'll hurt her.
But if she loses to you, that will destroy her.
I've waited my whole life to do this.
The finger pyramid of evil contemplation.
Feels good.
-Mornin'. -Stan, you don't look so good.
Oh, ow! Ow, Francine. Ow!
Honey, please call off this swap.
Hey, if Roger can take it, so can I.
Did you get those Pecan Sandies I asked for?
Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot.
Pretty sure I asked for Pecan Sandies.
Try these Chocodiles. What's keeping Roger?
-Hey, have you been up all night? -God, is it morning already?
I haven't even cracked my SUV manual.
Wait! Wait, where's my SUV manual?
I need to order the paint for the study today.
Did you want to go with "Blue Morning," or "Golden Wood"?
Little busy here! SUV, SUV, SUV.
Aah, my manual!
Hayley!
I'm not the one who forgot to exercise the monkeys last night.
-Have you been to the basement lately? -Some of us work for a living.
They've been huffing paint thinner and having sex all night.
It's like an 8th-grade house party down there.
God, my animal rights group is gonna think I'm a total flake!
Thanks for nothing.
Roger, I know you're busy, but this'll just take a second.
You suck, Roger! I gave these pictures you took to Carly,
and she posted them on HatefulTeens.com.
Everyone's laughing at me! You know, Dad wasn't perfect,
but at least he never ruined my life!
-Roger, if you could just... -Not now!
Yes, now. I already hired the painters.
"Blue Morning," or "Golden Wood."
Morning. Wood. Morning. Wood. Morning...
Damn it, I don't care!
Oh, my God!
These Chocodiles, these Chocodiles, Francine, oh, my God.
These Chocodiles, oh, my God.
Oh! I'm so sorry!
It was an accident. I-I'm just under so much pressure.
This is all thanks to your stupid swap with Stan.
Stan? Oh, God. Francine, he can't know about this.
He'll kill me. Just tell him you walked into a door.
He'll never buy that. God, I look awful.
No! No, you look pretty. Here. I got you some special makeup.
It's from the Estee Lauder "It Never Happened" collection.
Hi, Francine! Francine, how's it goin'?
Oh, screw it!
Stan?
Hey, Linda. Hey, when'd you get those?
-Oh, hello, Linda. -My God! What happened to your eye?
Yeah, what did happen to your eye?
-I, uh... -Please!
-Walked into a door. -Ha! Gotta watch out for those doors, Francine.
-They're gonna get ya. -Aah!
Well, I just came to borrow some sugar,
but I can see, Francine, that you need sugar,
so I'll get some... sugar.
-What was that about? -Who knows? She's a weird chick.
That 52.3 cubic feet of cargo space crazy big handy.
Most honorable wife, Ahi, and number one son, Yellowtail, "aglee."
Okay. Super good time fun. Domo arigato.
Another sale? Wow, Maria doesn't have a prayer.
You're goin' to Hawaii, pal.
I owe it all to you, Philip.
File this contract for me, will ya?
I'm gonna go "curry" their favor.
What do you bet this "domestic abuse" call turns out to be bogus?
Well, the neighbor said this guy's already on house arrest for DUI.
Can I help you?
-How'd you get that shiner, Mrs. S? -It's not what you think.
She walked into a door. You know?
Walk, walk, walk, walk... Bam!
Stan, can I talk to you? Excuse us!
Look at these. No way this kid's 18.
This guy's a real sicko.
What the hell was that?
Get 'em off me! Get 'em off! Off!
Off! Ooh! No, no, no! Son of a... God!
-Roger did what? -Stan, please! No more violence!
-I'll kill him! -You can't leave! You're still under house arr...
Oh, my eye!
I deserved it, for leaving the mop out.
Hold it right there, dirt bag!
Kiss my ass, pigs!
Hi, uh, hope this isn't a bad time, but
your trash cans have been out on the curb for a week, so, you know, whenever.
Listen up, everyone.
The contest is over. Time to announce the winner.
Oh, my God. This is it.
The trip to Hawaii goes to our number-one salesperson, Philip!
-Philip? -What?
He sold twice as many cars as anyone.
But-But these are my sales.
Well, they all have Philip's sales number on 'em.
You didn't sell any. You're fired.
I thought I was your pal.
What the hell are you doing here?
I guess you're pretty mad at me.
Mad? Why would I be mad? Just because I'm being held without bail
for domestic abuse, animal cruelty, child pornography and attempted murder?
-Attempted murder? -Aah! I'll kill you!
You're dead! You're...
-So, yes. I'm pretty mad. -I know this doesn't really matter now,
but... you win.
-Huh? -You're a better man of the house than I am.
I don't know how you manage to do everything you do,
but this family's lucky to have you.
-And so am I. -Oh, I...
-I-I don't know what to say. -Ah, you could say
you have a whole new appreciation for how tough it is to be me.
There's something you should know about me by now, Roger.
I don't learn lessons. Now, if I'm gonna get out of here,
we need to start doing things my way.
The CIA way. We need a patsy.
-A patsy? -Someone we can frame for everything.
Someone vile. An evil person, who deserves to be punished.
Any ideas?
Hmm... Got it!
These people are insane! I'm innocent.
That's the man who broke into my home and punched me.
Right before he locked all those poor monkeys in our basement.
And took pictures of my no-no parts.
He made me call him "Uncle Bad Touch!"
I've never seen them before in my life.
They're obviously lying, to protect the father.
But why would they want to finger this guy?
We searched his apartment. The place was clean.
Except for this. He's got tons of Nazi stuff.
Some kind of weird collector, I guess.
Sir, can you explain this?
Yeah, I'm a member of the Anti-Zionist Aryan Brotherhood.
So what? This is America!
He's right. That stuff is legal.
So, what do you want to do, Lieutenant Goldberg?
Don't go, Papa!
Run, Nathan! Run as fast as you can,
and go to America, become a police officer, and rise up through the ranks.
Then, one day, you can use your power to avenge us all.
Papa!
Schnell! Macht schnell!
-Put him in my car. -But...
-Do it! -Oh! What do you think this is?
-Nazi Germany? -You are free to go.
That would be awesome!
Never thought I'd say this, but I missed having you in charge.
Well, I never thought I'd say this,
-but I love you guys! -Oh, Stan!