1 00:00:02,757 --> 00:00:05,435 ♪ Good morning, USA ♪ 2 00:00:05,435 --> 00:00:08,951 ♪ I got a feeling That it's gonna be A wonderful day ♪ 3 00:00:08,951 --> 00:00:11,708 ♪ The sun in the sky Has a smile on his face ♪ 4 00:00:11,708 --> 00:00:15,025 ♪ And he's shining a salute To the American race ♪ 5 00:00:17,862 --> 00:00:20,979 ♪ Oh, boy it's swell to say ♪ 6 00:00:20,979 --> 00:00:23,697 ♪ Good morning, USA ♪ 7 00:00:25,695 --> 00:00:28,212 ♪ Good morning, USA ♪ 8 00:00:31,009 --> 00:00:34,765 Funny, I always wanted a pool filed with cherry Jell-O. 9 00:00:34,765 --> 00:00:37,124 Well, in the end, I got it. 10 00:00:37,124 --> 00:00:39,721 I got a lot of things on my rise to stardom, 11 00:00:39,721 --> 00:00:41,639 women, respect, 12 00:00:41,639 --> 00:00:43,797 that joke about the 10-inch pianist. 13 00:00:43,797 --> 00:00:45,875 I can't believe I never got that before. 14 00:00:45,875 --> 00:00:49,391 And I can't believe this all began just a few weeks ago. 15 00:00:52,028 --> 00:00:54,825 Stars, they're just like us. 16 00:00:54,825 --> 00:00:57,143 Oh, here's Tara Reid buying a gallon of vodka 17 00:00:57,143 --> 00:00:59,021 and a case of morning-after pills. 18 00:00:59,021 --> 00:01:02,218 I drink gallons of vodka! I should be a star! 19 00:01:02,218 --> 00:01:03,776 Ah, what a good night's rest. 20 00:01:03,776 --> 00:01:05,854 I had that wonderful recurring dream where 21 00:01:05,854 --> 00:01:08,411 I'm giving a lecture naked, and I'm a resounding success. 22 00:01:08,411 --> 00:01:09,691 Now, how about a kiss? 23 00:01:09,691 --> 00:01:11,688 Good God, Francine! Your roots are showing! 24 00:01:11,688 --> 00:01:13,687 I know. My hairdresser 25 00:01:13,687 --> 00:01:16,284 lost his touch when he decided he was straight. 26 00:01:16,284 --> 00:01:18,362 -Apparently, it is a choice. -Yes, it is. 27 00:01:18,362 --> 00:01:19,879 Absolutely. 28 00:01:19,879 --> 00:01:22,997 Anyway, the only good hairdresser left is Mr. Beauregard. 29 00:01:22,997 --> 00:01:26,314 But it's impossible to get an appointment unless you know somebody. 30 00:01:26,314 --> 00:01:29,670 But you do know somebody, Francine. You know Roger. 31 00:01:29,670 --> 00:01:31,789 Oh, wait. He's just a nobody. 32 00:01:31,789 --> 00:01:35,784 Don't cry in front of the fish. 33 00:01:39,620 --> 00:01:42,977 Morning, Steve. I packed your favorite lunch, PB and J. 34 00:01:42,977 --> 00:01:47,013 With the crusts cut off and cherry Jell-O! 35 00:01:47,013 --> 00:01:49,731 Someday I'd like to have a swimming pool 36 00:01:49,731 --> 00:01:51,848 filled with cherry Jell-O. 37 00:01:53,446 --> 00:01:54,845 Anyway, Dad, 38 00:01:54,845 --> 00:01:57,483 my English teacher, Mr. Durban, is your biggest fan. 39 00:01:57,483 --> 00:01:59,161 Can I get your autograph for him. 40 00:01:59,161 --> 00:02:00,520 Sure. 41 00:02:00,520 --> 00:02:02,797 "To Mr. Durban. Keep on rockin'. Yours in Christ." 42 00:02:02,797 --> 00:02:04,396 Dad, that's Steve's report card. 43 00:02:06,034 --> 00:02:08,112 You're failing English. 44 00:02:08,112 --> 00:02:09,471 -What? -What do you know? 45 00:02:09,471 --> 00:02:10,909 And I'm getting straight A's. 46 00:02:10,909 --> 00:02:13,187 Well, that's great, sweetheart. Congratulations. 47 00:02:14,985 --> 00:02:17,182 Hey, it's been a while. 48 00:02:17,182 --> 00:02:19,540 Steve, how could you be failing English? 49 00:02:19,540 --> 00:02:21,938 It's not my fault. My teacher hates me. 50 00:02:21,938 --> 00:02:23,577 Hates you, huh? 51 00:02:23,577 --> 00:02:27,292 Well, perhaps I need to pay Mr. Durban a little visit. 52 00:02:28,372 --> 00:02:30,010 Well, what a nice visit. 53 00:02:30,010 --> 00:02:32,208 Oh, Mr. Durban, the pleasure was all mine. 54 00:02:32,208 --> 00:02:34,885 And thanks, Lynn, for the delicious maple scones. 55 00:02:34,885 --> 00:02:36,683 Can we have another pony ride? 56 00:02:36,683 --> 00:02:39,960 Oh-ho, no. This old horse has to get back to the stable. 57 00:02:42,078 --> 00:02:44,076 Oh, uh, Mr. Durban. I almost forgot. 58 00:02:44,076 --> 00:02:45,834 I wanted to ask you... 59 00:02:45,834 --> 00:02:47,673 Why do you hate my son? 60 00:02:47,673 --> 00:02:50,189 Shut up! Don't look at me! 61 00:02:50,189 --> 00:02:52,707 Get on the floor! You, get me more maple scones! 62 00:02:54,226 --> 00:02:57,223 Why are you failing my son? Answer me, dirtbag! 63 00:02:57,223 --> 00:02:59,820 He had his Japanese friend do his writing assignment. 64 00:02:59,820 --> 00:03:00,899 Look. 65 00:03:02,937 --> 00:03:04,895 Oh, I see. Well, good night. 66 00:03:04,895 --> 00:03:07,133 Good night, Lynn. Oh, don't get up, kids. 67 00:03:07,133 --> 00:03:09,171 Seriously, stare at the floor and count to a hundred! 68 00:03:10,490 --> 00:03:11,888 Go ahead, Eric. Be a hero. 69 00:03:13,007 --> 00:03:16,404 That's what I thought, punk ass. 70 00:03:16,404 --> 00:03:18,162 ♪ You'd think that people Would have ♪ 71 00:03:18,162 --> 00:03:20,999 ♪ Had enough of silly Love songs ♪ 72 00:03:20,999 --> 00:03:23,277 -I look around me and I see it isn't so! -What? 73 00:03:23,277 --> 00:03:25,475 -I mean, why'd you cheat? -I'm sorry. 74 00:03:25,475 --> 00:03:28,512 It's just creative writing is hard. I can't do it. 75 00:03:28,512 --> 00:03:31,069 "Can't?" We don't live in "Ameri-can't," Steve. 76 00:03:31,069 --> 00:03:33,066 We live in America. No. 77 00:03:33,066 --> 00:03:35,225 No, no. No, wait. We live in American. 78 00:03:35,225 --> 00:03:38,142 No, wait. That's not right. We are American. 79 00:03:38,142 --> 00:03:39,461 Where, where was I goin' with this? 80 00:03:39,461 --> 00:03:41,698 Um, I said creative writing is hard. 81 00:03:41,698 --> 00:03:45,295 Oh, yeah, yeah. Uh, perseverance, Steve. It's all about perseverance. 82 00:03:45,295 --> 00:03:47,932 And if I "Ameri-can't" teach you about it, 83 00:03:47,932 --> 00:03:51,328 I have a friend who "Ameri-will." 84 00:03:51,328 --> 00:03:54,926 Well, that sounded good. Had a bumpy start there, but I think I pulled it together. 85 00:03:54,926 --> 00:03:57,322 Steve, meet Patriot Pigeon. 86 00:03:57,322 --> 00:03:58,841 You wrote a children's book? 87 00:03:58,841 --> 00:04:01,599 No, Steve, I wrote 3,012 children's books. 88 00:04:01,599 --> 00:04:04,276 Each chronicling the adventures of Patriot Pigeon, 89 00:04:04,276 --> 00:04:08,352 who battles America's enemies by dropping red, white and blue turds of justice. 90 00:04:08,352 --> 00:04:11,110 Wow! So how many of your books have been published? 91 00:04:11,110 --> 00:04:12,628 None. See that? 92 00:04:12,628 --> 00:04:15,664 That's over 10,000 rejection letters and counting. 93 00:04:15,664 --> 00:04:17,663 -Gosh. I'm sorry. -I'm not. 94 00:04:17,663 --> 00:04:21,698 You see, Steve, true success isn't about getting recognition or fame. 95 00:04:21,698 --> 00:04:24,096 It's about never giving up. So what do you say? 96 00:04:24,096 --> 00:04:26,174 Have I inspired you to do that writing assignment? 97 00:04:26,174 --> 00:04:28,492 -No. -How about now? 98 00:04:28,492 --> 00:04:29,970 That's the hand I write with. 99 00:04:29,970 --> 00:04:31,369 That's negative thinking. 100 00:04:31,369 --> 00:04:33,526 Hey, how about a story where a boy's hand 101 00:04:33,526 --> 00:04:36,084 is glued to a table and he slowly starves to death? 102 00:04:36,084 --> 00:04:38,401 That's good stuff. Thanks, JC. 103 00:04:40,239 --> 00:04:42,277 Aw, I don't know what to write about. 104 00:04:42,277 --> 00:04:45,874 Aw, I'm never gonna be a star. 105 00:04:45,874 --> 00:04:48,911 People are never gonna see me in US Weekly and say, 106 00:04:48,911 --> 00:04:53,546 "Ooh, Roger... picks up a vase just like us." 107 00:04:53,546 --> 00:04:57,942 Ooh, Roger drops expensive vases just like us. 108 00:04:57,942 --> 00:05:01,418 Oh, Roger... Roger starts to black out just like... 109 00:05:10,250 --> 00:05:13,087 Oh, Mr. Beauregard, I feel born anew. 110 00:05:13,087 --> 00:05:14,565 Well, of course you do, darlin'. 111 00:05:14,565 --> 00:05:17,083 I use genuine human placenta. 112 00:05:17,083 --> 00:05:19,321 That's where it gets its luster. 113 00:05:19,321 --> 00:05:22,118 Mr. Beauregard, I... I would love for you 114 00:05:22,118 --> 00:05:24,635 to put expelled uterine matter in my hair. 115 00:05:26,233 --> 00:05:27,752 Hmm! If I were you, 116 00:05:27,752 --> 00:05:30,469 I'd take your hair behind the shed and shoot it. 117 00:05:30,469 --> 00:05:31,588 Ride, Montague. 118 00:05:39,261 --> 00:05:40,619 Anything for me? 119 00:05:40,619 --> 00:05:42,817 Just a postcard that says your hair looks like crap. 120 00:05:42,817 --> 00:05:45,334 Hey, it's from me. What's this? 121 00:05:45,334 --> 00:05:46,933 "P and Q Publishing." 122 00:05:46,933 --> 00:05:48,492 Oh, good. Another rejection letter. 123 00:05:49,091 --> 00:05:50,730 "Dear, Mr. Smith. 124 00:05:50,730 --> 00:05:54,646 It is with great pleasure that we have decided to publish your book." 125 00:05:54,646 --> 00:05:56,684 What's goin' on? I'm gonna be published! 126 00:05:56,684 --> 00:05:58,122 Oh, glorious day! 127 00:05:58,122 --> 00:06:00,599 All those wasted years of writing finally have meaning. 128 00:06:00,599 --> 00:06:03,077 What about all that stuff about not needing recognition? 129 00:06:03,077 --> 00:06:05,035 Oh, that's what people say when they're dead inside. 130 00:06:05,035 --> 00:06:08,113 Now, let's see which one of my Patriot Pigeon books they're publishing. 131 00:06:09,191 --> 00:06:10,549 "Roger the Alien"? 132 00:06:10,549 --> 00:06:12,427 Hey, that's the story I wrote for English. 133 00:06:12,427 --> 00:06:13,346 What? 134 00:06:13,346 --> 00:06:15,225 You wrote a story about me? 135 00:06:15,225 --> 00:06:16,783 I'll take that, Dad. 136 00:06:16,783 --> 00:06:19,820 Ha. Mr. Durban said he was gonna submit my story to a publisher. 137 00:06:19,820 --> 00:06:23,696 So, it's not Patriot Pigeon Poops on Planned Parenthood? 138 00:06:23,696 --> 00:06:25,734 A book about me? 139 00:06:25,734 --> 00:06:28,332 I'm gonna be a star! Steve, you're the best! 140 00:06:28,332 --> 00:06:30,969 Oh, my God, Stan! How upset are you? 141 00:06:30,969 --> 00:06:33,207 Seriously, on a scale from one to pissed? 142 00:06:33,207 --> 00:06:36,243 Oh, who gives a flying fig? I'm a star! 143 00:06:43,157 --> 00:06:45,115 So now, I was a published writer. 144 00:06:45,115 --> 00:06:47,033 But my life had become boring. 145 00:06:47,033 --> 00:06:50,310 As boring as a bad metaphor... or a simile. 146 00:06:50,310 --> 00:06:52,148 Whatever, I'm not a writer. 147 00:06:52,148 --> 00:06:53,666 Got any tips for a young author? 148 00:06:53,666 --> 00:06:55,304 Oh, I don't want to be recorded. 149 00:06:55,304 --> 00:06:57,622 No, it's inspiring music to accompany your answer. 150 00:06:57,622 --> 00:06:59,901 ♪ I believe I can fly ♪ 151 00:06:59,901 --> 00:07:03,057 Um, just write something and it'll get published. 152 00:07:03,057 --> 00:07:05,375 It's easy. Any idiot can do it. 153 00:07:05,375 --> 00:07:07,093 It's not fair, Francine. 154 00:07:07,093 --> 00:07:11,369 I write 3,000 books and... 155 00:07:11,369 --> 00:07:14,645 I write 3,000 books and nobody's ever asked me for an autograph. 156 00:07:14,645 --> 00:07:17,163 Don't you see, Stan? You're Steve's father. 157 00:07:17,163 --> 00:07:19,641 He couldn't have done any of this without you. 158 00:07:19,641 --> 00:07:21,318 And people are gonna know that. 159 00:07:21,318 --> 00:07:24,595 Yes. Yes, people are gonna know that. 160 00:07:24,595 --> 00:07:26,553 Hey, everyone, I'm Steve's father! 161 00:07:26,553 --> 00:07:30,229 He came from my seed! And she was the manure. 162 00:07:31,588 --> 00:07:33,427 Ugh! Francine, when I look at your hair, 163 00:07:33,427 --> 00:07:35,305 I doubt I could eat the amount I want to vomit. 164 00:07:38,222 --> 00:07:40,419 The turnout at today's book signing was awful, 165 00:07:40,419 --> 00:07:42,417 and I blame you, publisher man. 166 00:07:42,417 --> 00:07:45,454 Actually, it's "Publisherman." Bill Publisherman. 167 00:07:46,014 --> 00:07:47,372 Dad, it's okay. 168 00:07:47,372 --> 00:07:49,371 I'm not into this whole book thing anyway. 169 00:07:49,371 --> 00:07:51,728 Nonsense! You and I are gonna be big. 170 00:07:51,728 --> 00:07:52,807 We're gonna be huge. 171 00:07:52,807 --> 00:07:54,205 Just how big are you talking? 172 00:07:54,765 --> 00:07:56,683 "Ginormagantuan." 173 00:08:01,159 --> 00:08:05,275 Well, then what you need is to get Steve on Cap'n Monty's Book Cavalcade, 174 00:08:05,275 --> 00:08:07,792 the hottest children's book show in Langley Falls. 175 00:08:07,792 --> 00:08:08,832 Great! Put him on. 176 00:08:08,832 --> 00:08:10,669 I'd love to. 177 00:08:10,669 --> 00:08:12,908 But to get on, he needs to have the number-one children's book in town. 178 00:08:12,908 --> 00:08:14,706 And to get that, he'll need a hook. 179 00:08:14,706 --> 00:08:16,504 Right. We'll cut off one of his hands. 180 00:08:16,504 --> 00:08:19,860 People love the disfigured... and fear them. 181 00:08:19,860 --> 00:08:22,218 No, a hook, an angle, a gimmick. 182 00:08:22,537 --> 00:08:23,497 Hmm. 183 00:08:24,456 --> 00:08:25,734 Is the boy gay? 184 00:08:25,734 --> 00:08:26,973 Why? Could that be a hook? 185 00:08:26,973 --> 00:08:27,972 Hook? 186 00:08:30,450 --> 00:08:33,167 Ah, a hook, a hook, a hook. 187 00:08:34,885 --> 00:08:36,523 No. 188 00:08:36,523 --> 00:08:39,521 Is it true? Were there really seven people at the book signing? 189 00:08:39,521 --> 00:08:40,680 Yes. 190 00:08:40,680 --> 00:08:42,318 Oh, my God! It's happening for me. 191 00:08:42,318 --> 00:08:45,075 I'm almost a star. Oh! There's my cell phone. 192 00:08:45,075 --> 00:08:46,673 Oh, my God! It's Johnny Depp. 193 00:08:46,673 --> 00:08:48,432 Deppster! What's shakin'? 194 00:08:48,432 --> 00:08:49,990 That's not a cell phone. 195 00:08:49,990 --> 00:08:51,989 That's a bar of soap you painted black. 196 00:08:51,989 --> 00:08:53,946 Yeah, hang on, J.D. 197 00:08:53,946 --> 00:08:57,143 Watch it, Klaus, or I'm gonna cram this bad boy 20,000 leagues up your butt. 198 00:08:57,143 --> 00:08:59,260 "Bad boy"? Steve, that's it! 199 00:08:59,260 --> 00:09:01,299 You can be the bad boy of children's books. 200 00:09:01,299 --> 00:09:02,778 -Huh? -Sure, sure. 201 00:09:02,778 --> 00:09:04,096 The media loves bad boys. 202 00:09:04,096 --> 00:09:05,854 Your book will fly off the shelves. 203 00:09:05,854 --> 00:09:06,932 I don't know. 204 00:09:06,932 --> 00:09:08,731 Look, Son, you do this for me, 205 00:09:08,731 --> 00:09:10,450 and I'll use my CIA powers 206 00:09:10,450 --> 00:09:13,446 to get you centerfold Janet Gustafson. 207 00:09:13,446 --> 00:09:14,726 She's beautiful. 208 00:09:14,726 --> 00:09:17,762 And she loves the bad boys. 209 00:09:17,762 --> 00:09:21,799 And so began my dark descent all the way to the top. 210 00:09:22,798 --> 00:09:25,314 ♪ Bad, bad, bad, bad boy ♪ 211 00:09:26,273 --> 00:09:28,311 ♪ You make me feel so good ♪ 212 00:09:32,268 --> 00:09:36,583 ♪ You naughty, bad, bad Bad, bad boy ♪ 213 00:09:37,502 --> 00:09:39,700 ♪ You make me feel so good ♪ 214 00:09:41,859 --> 00:09:43,376 ♪ Knew you would ♪ 215 00:09:45,974 --> 00:09:49,890 ♪ The way you hold me tight ♪ 216 00:09:49,890 --> 00:09:52,408 ♪ You get me so excited ♪ 217 00:09:56,124 --> 00:09:59,880 ♪ Bad, bad, bad, bad boy ♪ 218 00:10:02,317 --> 00:10:03,996 Francine, 219 00:10:03,996 --> 00:10:06,634 I cannot let the mother of Langley Falls' 220 00:10:06,634 --> 00:10:09,351 legendary bad-boy author look like this. 221 00:10:09,351 --> 00:10:11,669 Shame on you. Scoot on in here, girl. 222 00:10:15,505 --> 00:10:17,622 Oh, my God! Is it here? 223 00:10:17,622 --> 00:10:20,539 You're so adorable. 224 00:10:20,539 --> 00:10:23,098 Give me silly juice and watch me fall down. 225 00:10:23,098 --> 00:10:24,096 What the... 226 00:10:24,096 --> 00:10:26,613 And I'm ugly and my butt is huge. 227 00:10:26,613 --> 00:10:28,891 I don't... I don't get it. 228 00:10:28,891 --> 00:10:30,210 They are your catch phrases. 229 00:10:30,210 --> 00:10:32,688 Roger, have you even read Steve's book? 230 00:10:33,566 --> 00:10:35,444 You bastard! 231 00:10:35,444 --> 00:10:37,242 Roger the clumsy alien! 232 00:10:37,242 --> 00:10:40,639 Roger who sips his silly juice and goes on delusional rants! 233 00:10:40,639 --> 00:10:43,556 And it's not silly juice! It's necessary juice! 234 00:10:43,556 --> 00:10:46,154 Watch your back. 235 00:10:46,154 --> 00:10:48,871 Ouch! Oh, that... Ouchies, ouchies, ouch. 236 00:10:50,309 --> 00:10:52,307 You bastard! 237 00:10:52,307 --> 00:10:54,306 Thanks to you, Dad spent all my college money 238 00:10:54,306 --> 00:10:56,344 buying you Doctor Seuss's first typewriter. 239 00:11:00,340 --> 00:11:02,297 You bastard! 240 00:11:02,297 --> 00:11:04,695 That's what I said to my old ugly hairdo. 241 00:11:06,134 --> 00:11:07,333 What's wrong, honey? 242 00:11:07,333 --> 00:11:09,690 Aw, I hate being a famous author. 243 00:11:09,690 --> 00:11:11,688 Do I really have to go on Cap'n Monty's? 244 00:11:11,688 --> 00:11:14,565 Oh. Well, no. I suppose not. 245 00:11:14,565 --> 00:11:16,163 Thanks, Mom. 246 00:11:16,163 --> 00:11:18,442 Oh, Steve, just curious. 247 00:11:18,442 --> 00:11:20,200 When did you stop loving Mommy? 248 00:11:20,200 --> 00:11:21,719 -What? -'Cause if you loved me, 249 00:11:21,719 --> 00:11:23,796 you wouldn't want me to have ugly hair. 250 00:11:23,796 --> 00:11:25,873 But do whatever makes you happy. 251 00:11:25,873 --> 00:11:30,110 I have to go put some ointment on that hideous cesarean scar I have because of you. 252 00:11:30,110 --> 00:11:31,908 But Hayley was the cesarean. 253 00:11:31,908 --> 00:11:33,147 Oh, that's right. 254 00:11:33,147 --> 00:11:35,744 With you, I just tore from my "V" to my "A." 255 00:11:35,744 --> 00:11:37,743 Good night. 256 00:11:37,743 --> 00:11:41,459 Those were dark times as my family used and abused me. 257 00:11:41,459 --> 00:11:44,136 But at least there were two headlights at the end of the tunnel. 258 00:11:44,136 --> 00:11:45,974 Now do I get to meet that centerfold? 259 00:11:45,974 --> 00:11:49,091 No. I just said that to motivate you so you'd carry me to the top. 260 00:11:49,091 --> 00:11:51,129 Dad, I can't believe you lied to me. 261 00:11:51,129 --> 00:11:52,368 Really? Huh. 262 00:11:52,368 --> 00:11:54,605 That's, that's kind of my whole bit. 263 00:11:54,605 --> 00:11:57,043 Hey, my first green room. 264 00:11:57,043 --> 00:11:59,840 It isn't even green! Showbiz. 265 00:12:01,398 --> 00:12:03,757 Steve. Kevin Broham, Dudemeister Management. 266 00:12:03,757 --> 00:12:04,876 Huge fan. 267 00:12:04,876 --> 00:12:07,112 So, how does it feel to be a superstar? 268 00:12:07,112 --> 00:12:09,471 Well, I... I kind of hate it. 269 00:12:09,471 --> 00:12:13,147 Let me guess. Your family's bustin' your boy bag like a bunch of gonad gangsters. 270 00:12:13,147 --> 00:12:14,705 How did you know? 271 00:12:14,705 --> 00:12:18,022 Bro, I see families exploiting the talented dude all the time. 272 00:12:18,022 --> 00:12:21,179 I feel so trapped. I don't know what to do. 273 00:12:25,975 --> 00:12:27,532 Good morn', mateys. 274 00:12:27,532 --> 00:12:31,368 Today, Captain Monty sails his fair vessel 275 00:12:31,368 --> 00:12:33,886 with precious cargo... 276 00:12:33,886 --> 00:12:36,883 child prodigy, and most likely 277 00:12:36,883 --> 00:12:40,999 ninth incarnation of the Buddha, Steve Smith. 278 00:12:44,356 --> 00:12:45,634 Yeah! 279 00:12:45,634 --> 00:12:46,713 Yea! 280 00:12:46,713 --> 00:12:48,072 Boo! 281 00:12:48,831 --> 00:12:50,269 Steve. 282 00:12:50,269 --> 00:12:52,307 Steve Smith. 283 00:12:52,307 --> 00:12:55,785 Even the name recalls simplicity... elegance. 284 00:12:56,943 --> 00:12:59,860 Steve, welcome. 285 00:12:59,860 --> 00:13:03,297 Steve, I'm not going to ask you about your influences 286 00:13:03,297 --> 00:13:05,095 or your process. 287 00:13:05,095 --> 00:13:09,012 In fact, I'm not going to ask you any questions. 288 00:13:09,012 --> 00:13:11,129 I am going to tell you something. 289 00:13:11,848 --> 00:13:13,647 And that something is, 290 00:13:13,647 --> 00:13:16,843 you, Steve Smith, are a genius. 291 00:13:17,763 --> 00:13:20,360 A "genius." 292 00:13:21,719 --> 00:13:23,437 Argh. 293 00:13:23,437 --> 00:13:26,274 Steve, I will ask you one question. 294 00:13:26,274 --> 00:13:28,591 I know I said no questions. 295 00:13:28,591 --> 00:13:31,070 I'm flawed, unlike you, Steve Smith. 296 00:13:32,188 --> 00:13:33,626 Tell me, 297 00:13:33,626 --> 00:13:36,144 whom would you like to thank for your success? 298 00:13:36,144 --> 00:13:37,743 Here it comes, clown. 299 00:13:38,381 --> 00:13:39,900 Well, Captain Monty, 300 00:13:39,900 --> 00:13:43,097 I'd like to thank my new manager Kevin 301 00:13:43,097 --> 00:13:46,454 for helping me fill out the paperwork to divorce my parents. 302 00:13:46,454 --> 00:13:49,810 -And the shoes. -I want the shoes. 303 00:13:49,810 --> 00:13:51,688 Slowly, pretty boy. 304 00:13:51,688 --> 00:13:54,645 Yeah, you're a pretty boy, 305 00:13:54,645 --> 00:13:56,284 with a pretty pair of shoes. 306 00:14:03,316 --> 00:14:05,634 The court ruled in my favor, 307 00:14:05,634 --> 00:14:07,951 and I was finally free of my parents. 308 00:14:09,071 --> 00:14:10,909 Did the book make me rich and popular? 309 00:14:10,909 --> 00:14:11,988 Yeah. 310 00:14:11,988 --> 00:14:13,546 Did it all go to my head? 311 00:14:13,546 --> 00:14:14,825 Oh, yeah. 312 00:14:14,825 --> 00:14:17,023 Did I start talking like Robert Evans? 313 00:14:17,023 --> 00:14:19,141 You bet your ass I did. 314 00:14:19,141 --> 00:14:21,139 Did I even know who Robert Evans was? 315 00:14:21,139 --> 00:14:22,698 Not by a long shot. 316 00:14:22,698 --> 00:14:24,535 Francine. Stan. 317 00:14:24,535 --> 00:14:25,894 Stop this nonsense, Steve. 318 00:14:25,894 --> 00:14:29,170 Dude, his name is S now. And S does what S wants. 319 00:14:29,170 --> 00:14:31,968 And S wants to C-L-T-D-F-H-C. 320 00:14:33,167 --> 00:14:35,565 Cut loose the deadweight from his coattails. 321 00:14:35,565 --> 00:14:37,562 There should be a "W" in there. 322 00:14:37,562 --> 00:14:38,761 Get in the trunk, Barry. 323 00:14:44,236 --> 00:14:45,875 They were gonna miss me all right. 324 00:14:45,875 --> 00:14:47,633 But I didn't miss them. 325 00:14:47,633 --> 00:14:51,508 I was too busy tending to my stately pleasure dome, Steveadoo. 326 00:14:51,508 --> 00:14:54,626 I had rooms filled with the finest antiquities. 327 00:14:54,626 --> 00:14:56,783 Rooms devoted to girl-on-girl action. 328 00:15:03,896 --> 00:15:05,814 Scintillating. 329 00:15:05,814 --> 00:15:10,130 I kept my chums nearby in my "I don't need any family" room. 330 00:15:10,130 --> 00:15:12,087 And the coup de grace, 331 00:15:12,087 --> 00:15:16,004 my pool filled with cherry Jell-O. 332 00:15:16,923 --> 00:15:19,401 Mm, success. 333 00:15:21,039 --> 00:15:25,315 Oh! That little creep is living the star lifestyle I deserve. 334 00:15:25,315 --> 00:15:28,911 Well, he's gonna learn that he's messing with the wrong muchacho. 335 00:15:28,911 --> 00:15:32,547 Ow! Ow! Stubbed my toe! Stubbed my toe! Stubbed my toe! Stubbed my toe! 336 00:15:32,547 --> 00:15:34,506 Worst part's over. Worst part's over. Worst part's over. 337 00:15:38,462 --> 00:15:40,859 -What are you doing here? -I want you to come home. 338 00:15:40,859 --> 00:15:42,538 Yeah? Well, you can forget it. 339 00:15:42,538 --> 00:15:44,376 You used me and you lied to me. 340 00:15:44,376 --> 00:15:45,654 Guilty as charged. 341 00:15:45,654 --> 00:15:47,213 But I'm gonna make good on it all. 342 00:15:47,213 --> 00:15:49,371 Starting with that centerfold I promised you. 343 00:15:49,371 --> 00:15:52,728 Here she is, centerfold Janet Gustafson. 344 00:15:54,965 --> 00:15:57,202 That's not her! She's ancient. 345 00:15:57,202 --> 00:15:59,961 Well, sure. The magazine I showed you was from 1957. 346 00:15:59,961 --> 00:16:01,957 But she still loves to party. 347 00:16:03,196 --> 00:16:04,356 ♪ For Steve ♪ 348 00:16:08,352 --> 00:16:09,710 ♪ I fell ♪ 349 00:16:11,349 --> 00:16:12,507 ♪ In pain ♪ 350 00:16:14,186 --> 00:16:16,264 This is your idea of an apology? 351 00:16:16,264 --> 00:16:18,342 Sulu, Chekov! 352 00:16:32,647 --> 00:16:34,206 Hello, old friend. 353 00:16:34,206 --> 00:16:36,324 Hope you don't mind me dropping by... 354 00:16:36,883 --> 00:16:38,042 to kill you. 355 00:16:42,357 --> 00:16:44,875 Strange. This window shouldn't be open. 356 00:16:46,034 --> 00:16:48,152 And this window shouldn't be closed. 357 00:16:51,469 --> 00:16:53,387 Aw, this should all be mine. 358 00:16:53,387 --> 00:16:55,385 I mean, not this color scheme. P.U. 359 00:16:55,385 --> 00:16:57,702 But everything else should be mi... Oh, God! 360 00:16:57,702 --> 00:17:00,260 This bust of Ben Stiller is hideous. 361 00:17:00,260 --> 00:17:01,618 But it should be mine! 362 00:17:06,453 --> 00:17:10,250 Bravo! That was the gumball machine Henry Ford gave to Hitler. 363 00:17:10,250 --> 00:17:11,609 S, we didn't do it. 364 00:17:11,609 --> 00:17:12,887 Yeah, right. 365 00:17:12,887 --> 00:17:15,045 You're all just a bunch of users like my parents. 366 00:17:15,045 --> 00:17:16,763 Get out! All of you! 367 00:17:36,223 --> 00:17:39,181 Guess I'll be cutting the crusts off my own sandwiches from now on. 368 00:17:41,658 --> 00:17:43,936 Great. Who tracked mud on my floor? 369 00:17:51,288 --> 00:17:54,405 Hey, your knife goes real well with my novelty alien hand. 370 00:17:56,404 --> 00:17:59,441 And how great is my new horror-movie ring tone? 371 00:18:01,398 --> 00:18:02,877 Dude, where'd you go? 372 00:18:02,877 --> 00:18:04,236 Well, come into the kitchen. 373 00:18:04,995 --> 00:18:06,114 What up? 374 00:18:06,114 --> 00:18:08,551 S, meet Spike Baltar. 375 00:18:08,551 --> 00:18:11,029 Spike Baltar, you're my favorite actor. 376 00:18:11,029 --> 00:18:12,587 Wow, you look just like me. 377 00:18:12,587 --> 00:18:14,625 That's because he's gonna play you in the movie version 378 00:18:14,625 --> 00:18:17,383 of Roger the Alien, and he's totally method. 379 00:18:17,383 --> 00:18:20,020 Wow, I'm so happy I could die. 380 00:18:22,377 --> 00:18:23,257 It's me. 381 00:18:23,257 --> 00:18:24,216 I gotta take this. 382 00:18:25,615 --> 00:18:28,012 Yeah, the kid's a total douche. 383 00:18:28,012 --> 00:18:29,291 And his voice... 384 00:18:29,291 --> 00:18:30,490 I'm Steve Smith. 385 00:18:30,490 --> 00:18:32,727 I wrote Roger the Alien. 386 00:18:34,406 --> 00:18:36,603 I'm Steve Smith. I was never molested 387 00:18:36,603 --> 00:18:38,881 on the set of a mustard commercial when I was nine. 388 00:18:38,881 --> 00:18:40,719 Die, dream stealer! 389 00:18:46,473 --> 00:18:48,752 Oh, my God! I... I killed Steve. 390 00:18:55,504 --> 00:18:57,343 Hombre, what's the matter? 391 00:18:57,343 --> 00:18:59,980 It's just I kinda miss my family. 392 00:18:59,980 --> 00:19:01,738 "Bro-sickle," I'm your family now, 393 00:19:01,738 --> 00:19:04,496 and this dude is never ever gonna leave you. 394 00:19:04,496 --> 00:19:05,534 Never. 395 00:19:06,613 --> 00:19:08,172 Spike Baltar's dead in your pool. 396 00:19:08,172 --> 00:19:09,731 You're finished. I'm out of here. 397 00:19:14,326 --> 00:19:16,084 I'm comin', Steve! I'm comin'! 398 00:19:16,084 --> 00:19:17,802 I didn't mean to kill you! 399 00:19:18,761 --> 00:19:20,280 Roger? 400 00:19:20,280 --> 00:19:22,957 That's not me in the pool. That's Spike Baltar. 401 00:19:22,957 --> 00:19:24,875 Wait. You were trying to kill me? 402 00:19:24,875 --> 00:19:26,393 So this is all your fault. 403 00:19:26,393 --> 00:19:27,793 Oh, yeah. Blame the alien. 404 00:19:27,793 --> 00:19:29,311 The cops will eat that up. 405 00:19:29,311 --> 00:19:31,069 Sorry, pal, you're goin' to jail, 406 00:19:31,069 --> 00:19:32,507 where they're gonna take your cherry... 407 00:19:33,466 --> 00:19:35,225 Jell-O... away... 408 00:19:36,343 --> 00:19:38,302 in the lunch line... 409 00:19:38,302 --> 00:19:41,059 after you're raped... in the shower. 410 00:19:41,059 --> 00:19:43,736 Well, this is where our story started. 411 00:19:43,736 --> 00:19:45,574 Only the dead kid isn't me. 412 00:19:45,574 --> 00:19:48,411 That was kind of a screw to the audience. Sorry. 413 00:19:48,411 --> 00:19:51,448 If it makes you feel any better, I was drowning all right, 414 00:19:51,448 --> 00:19:53,366 in a sea of troubles. 415 00:19:53,366 --> 00:19:56,404 And there was only one place I could turn. 416 00:19:56,404 --> 00:19:58,242 It's good to have you back, Steve. 417 00:19:58,242 --> 00:20:01,399 It sure is. And I'm sorry I pushed you so hard. 418 00:20:01,399 --> 00:20:06,274 From now on, the only thing I want recognition for is being a good dad. Ready? 419 00:20:06,274 --> 00:20:08,272 One, two, heave! 420 00:20:12,108 --> 00:20:13,786 Au revoir, stardom. 421 00:20:17,342 --> 00:20:19,260 Oh, did I tie that to Steve's ankle? 422 00:20:19,260 --> 00:20:21,698 Guess I'm clumsy like he wrote in the book. 423 00:20:21,698 --> 00:20:23,856 How do you like that ending, Steve?