♪ Good morning USA ♪
♪ I got a feelingThat it's gonna beA wonderful day ♪
♪ The sun in the sky Has a smile on his face ♪
♪ And he's shining a salute To the American race ♪
♪ Oh boy it's swell to say ♪
♪ Good morning USA ♪
♪ Good morning, USA ♪
Snacks for the gun club.
I'll be back with the drinks
so you can all get locked and loaded.
Funny.
Did you save me a cookie?
You bet I did. Last one.
Oh, cookie, you look so good.
Shh, shh! Don't speak. I'll go get some milk for your bath.
I can't believe you're feeding those extremists
from the National Gun Association. They're monsters!
Oh, sweetheart, don't be so dramatic.
Besides, aren't you having fun cooking with Mommy?
I'm not cooking with Mommy. Dad handcuffed me to the oven!
Well, if it weren't for handcuffs and your father,
you wouldn't even be here, young lady.
What the... Hey, that was my cookie!
You snooze, you lose.
You snooze, you lose, huh?
Hmm. Okay. Eat up.
Eat... up.
Before we adjourn, let's recite the N.G.A. oath.
Hold hands.
Come on. It's not gay. There's guns in the room.
We pledge to uphold the Second Amendment
and use guns responsibly and in service to our fellow man.
Hey, somebody stop that guy! He broke into my car and he stole my CDs!
We pledge to act with swiftness,
our ears always open to the cries of those in need.
Help! Help!
We promise to be ever vigilant, protecting our community from harm.
And now, Action 3 News brings you a breaking story
with anchor partners Greg Corbin and Terry Bates.
-Good evening. -Our top story.
A car was broken into on Cherry Street this afternoon. My car.
The suspect was 6 foot 2 and a bastard!
-Terry. -No, I work hard for my things!
Drink your tea. You wanna cut to commercial?
-Mm-hmm. -Let's cut to commercial.
Right in our own neighborhood.
Well, it's clear the time has come for me to show you where we hide our guns.
Glock, 17 shots.
Pen-gun, mightier than the sword.
Sword-gun, mightier than the pen-gun.
AR-15, MK5, MAC-10, paprika.
That's weird. I use that pantry a lot.
And the paprika not enough.
I can't believe this house is teeming with guns.
Guns kill.
Oh, guns kill. Is that right?
Well, let's see about that. Okay, gun, kill.
Go ahead. Kill someone. Don't be shy.
See? Guns don't kill people. People kill people.
Gun defend people against people with smaller guns.
-You're such a fascist. -Peace pusher!
-Murderer! -Hermaphrodite!
-Stan! -I'm swingin' wild, Francine!
Damn it! I'm tired of you always being at each other's throats.
You used to be best friends.
Both of you, in the living room now!
This is how you two used to be.
Can I fly it?
Only if you promise you won't fly away.
Oh!
♪ I'd like to teach the world To sing in perfect harmony ♪
Hey, this is our spot! Push on!
Are you deaf? Push on!
♪ I'd like to hold it In my arms ♪
Now, you promise you're just gonna watch it once and then erase it?
Yes. I just wanna see what we look like.
The point is, there was a time when you two weren't always fighting.
That was before I knew Dad was a gun-toting maniac.
Beatnik!
-Warmonger! -Chupacabra!
-I'm the Mexican bigfoot? -You heard her. She admitted it.
Enough! Now, tomorrow,
you two are going to spend the day together and reconnect,
or I am gonna lose it!
So help me, God, I will cut your pretty faces.
-So, uh, tomorrow? -Yeah, yeah. Tomorrow.
Ugh, that's the worst thing to happen to wine since the movie Sideways.
That's right, America. Come get me.
That sucks. Why wasn't I in any of those old family videos?
Well, that's 'cause all the footage was taken before you were adopted.
What? What are you talkin' about? I'm not adopted.
No, no. Of course not. That'd be silly.
You look just like your dad. Good night.
I'm gonna make you cry and dip my cookie in your tears.
This is stupid. Just drop me off
and pick me up in a few hours.
And risk getting my pretty face cut?
No, thanks.
Well, can you at least tell me where we're going?
Remember that amusement park we went to when you were a kid?
-You're taking me to Sugar Mountain? -You betcha, baby girl.
That was the last place we went together before I started to hate you.
Ditto.
First we'll take the Rainbow Gondola to Smile Hollow.
Then we'll eat some pixie doughnuts. Then we'll... What the...
N.G.A. Land? A gun park?
Yeah, Sugar Mountain closed down years ago.
This is basically the same thing,
except instead of riding a choo-choo through Fairy Book Land,
you ride a bullet through a mugger's chest.
You come out the exit wound! Whee!
Ugh, this place is awful!
Bumper Cartridges? The Splatterhorn?
Hey, at least they kept the petting zoo.
It's Ted Nugent's Kill 'N Grill.
It's his flagship eat-what-you-shoot restaurant.
I don't wanna kill the rabbit.
Well, you've got to kill something. We're not stopping on the way home.
Dad, this place is evil. They're trying to push guns on kids.
No, they're not. That's absurd.
Boys and girls, put your tiny hands togetherfor Bobby the Bullet!
Uh-oh, kids. Who's that in the crowd?
It's A.C.I. Lou!
-Shh! -Boo!
What do we do, kids?
Shoot first. Ask questions later.
You got me.
Yeah!
Hey, kids, listen to this.
♪ Guns make holes In your body ♪
♪ Through which You can't potty ♪
♪ Just your blood And guts spill out ♪
♪ Bambi's mom Could still munch grass ♪
♪ Tupac would beTappin' ass ♪
♪ If you hate guns ♪
♪ Scream and shout ♪
Everybody!
♪ Holes in your body... ♪
What's the meaning of all this?
Oh God, the N.G.A. directors.
Mr. Simms, Mr. Hobart.
Smith, is that your daughter?
♪ If you hate... ♪
Uh, yes, but don't worry. I'll just put a silencer on her. Yeah, clever.
Guards!
Get away from me! This is a peaceful protest!
That'll come right out.
There you go. This is working.
You can't kick me out of the N.G.A. I'm a lifetime member!
Oh, my God!
Total deja vu right now. This is so weird.
You were right there, just like this,
and then I was overcome with crushing disappointment.
Oh, man, my card.
Oh ho!
I asked Mom if I was adopted, and she said no.
Well, what'd you think she was gonna say? She's in too deep.
But, hey, don't take my word for it.
I'm not in this one either. How can this be?
Look at little "Stevsie" sleep.
You snooze, you lose.
This must be very painful for you.
Come on, Hayley. The N.G.A. won't reinstate my membership
unless you apologize.
-Yeah, right. When pigs fly. -Aha!
Lab.
How we doin', guys? Did it work?
Uh, we gotta call you back.
Look, the N.G.A. is the only thing in my life that means anything to me.
-Ahem! -What, are you getting sick?
Don't come near me. I can't afford to get sick.
So, now that you know they're not your real parents,
are you gonna call them Stan and Francine?
No, I'm gonna call them Mom and Dad.
I'm still their son.
Oh Stan, calm down.
As far as I'm concerned, we only have one child!
It's like someone left the other one on our doorstep.
Oh, I just love it when crap lines up like that.
Mom? Dad?
Just take what you want and go!
Hayley, quick! Get the gun in the china cabinet!
I... I shot him.
Murderer! Just kidding. You saved the family, kiddo. Pizza? Let's order pizza.
How's my little executioner holding up?
All my life, I've said guns were bad.
I'm such a hypocrite.
Honey, he was robbing us,
-and he was gonna force himself on me. -He said that?
Well, no, but I assume.
What? You think I'm not attractive enough?
That what?
That he'd just skip me and go straight to you?
Well, aren't we conceited.
Mom, I killed someone.
Sweetheart, you had no choice.
You saved the family.
Yeah, I did, huh? And with a gun.
I guess I owe the N.G.A. that apology.
What the hell?
That's the burglar! Dad staged the whole thing!
Yeah, I get it, Hayley. I'm "unrapable," not stupid.
You lunatic!
You tricked us just so you could get an apology out of Hayley?
Is your gun club that important to you?
And you!
You missed out, pal.
Dad! I thought I killed someone.
Aha! You thought you killed someone.
Before, you said guns kill, not people.
I win!
Someone could have been hurt.
Relax. They're just blanks.
Blanks?
Oh, hi, I'm Stan Smith. I think it's cool to trick my daughter.
Who cares if it scars her for life?
I guess they weren't all blanks.
Dad! Help him!
Call a real ambulance!
The, uh, bullet is lodged in your spine,
and, I'm afraid, for the rest of your life...
you'll be a quadriplegic.
Well, that sounds fancy. Come on, people. Souplantation on Daddy!
Daddy, I made you some soup.
Let it cool, 'cause it's much, much too hot.
Oh, my God!
I got you! I can't feel a thing.
Hayley, why don't you get some sleep?
You haven't left your father's side in three days.
This was my fault.
Hey, don't worry about me. I'm still your same old dad.
What's that sound?
Oh, I'm peeing. Fantastic!
Hey, I found your real parents online.
Stan and Francine didn't adopt you. They kidnapped you.
-What? -Yep, they nabbed you when you were three...
from a boat show.
That explains why I've always wanted a boat.
Well, there you go, Tom.
That's your real name. Tom Madsen.
Wow. Tom Madsen.
You know, the name Smith never felt right. It's not a seafaring name.
No, but Madsen, that's Norwegian.
So, Tom, how'd you like to meet your real parents?
Thanks for pimpin' my ride, Hayley.
Whoo! A little light-headed. Did my streamers catch wind?
Um, yeah. Look, Dad, now that you can't work at the C.I.A.,
have you given any thought to what you want to do with your life?
I sure have.
I wanna make a difference. I wanna be an activist.
Really? Oh, that's great, Dad!
Thanks, honey.
Come on over here and give your dad a hug.
Now let's go and have a little talk with those boys at the N.G.A.
-Right on! -Hey, Son.
Don't "Son" me, baby snatcher.
Somethin' on your mind, champ?
Steve, what are you doing?
Something we've both wanted to do for years, "Sis."
Mmm!
Oh, my God!
Everything that happens from this point on is just gravy.
My dad was paralyzed in a gun accident,
and he has something to say about it.
-Tell 'em, Dad. -I will, Hayley.
Gentlemen, my body is lifeless, but my brain still works.
And it's telling me to tell my mouth to tell you
that I want to be a progun spokesman for the N.G.A.
What?
Who better than me?
What's left of my spine tells the whole story.
Guns work.
But you were paralyzed by a gun!
No, I was paralyzed by you.
Look, I'm not gonna point fingers here.
Because I can't. Because of you.
We already have a spokesman.
Actually, the kids never really did embrace you, Bobby.
But you know what the kids did respond to?
His daughter's music.
Mm-hmm.
How about it, Smith? This Saturday is
the No Child Left Unarmed Jamboree.
If you and your daughter perform, you're our new spokesman.
-Yes! -No!
Dad, I'd do anything for you, but this goes against everything I stand for.
Mmm, "stand."
That's okay. I respect how you feel.
Mmm, "feel."
Okay, I'll do it.
Really? Yes! Victory lap!
Bobby, you're fired. Turn in the costume.
Never!
Why would I wear a sailor suit to meet my real parents?
You were kidnapped at a boat show.
Your parents have a boat. They're rich.
-You want them to recognize you or not? -You're right. You're right.
Don't forget this curly blond wig.
Why would I wear a wig?
You're Norwegian.
Right, right.
Hmm, I'm stuck on these lyrics. What rhymes with ammo?
Empty shell of a girl who's completely sold out her values?
No, I'm pretty sure it should end with an "O."
-"Blammo?" -Blammo. Good, good, good.
Look at you two. Who would have thought guns would bring you so close together?
I know. If only we could get some guns to the Middle East.
Mr. Madsen? I'm Tom, your son.
Oh, my God. Tommy!
Is it really you? Jane, come quick!
-Mama? -Thomas! You are alive!
All these years, we never gave up hope.
Gotcha! Those aren't your parents!
That's for taking my cookie!
-What? -Remember?
"You snooze, you lose"?
You... You put me through all this
ju... just because I ate your cookie?
Dude, that is awesome!
You so got me!
Thanks. Thanks.
There were a couple times when I didn't think you were buying it.
Hey, I'm in a sailor suit.
Man, I should have known. These people aren't rich.
Look at their house. It's a box.
Oh, oh! Picture. Picture.
Thank you. That was "Suzy Shot a Unicorn."
Look, kids, it's snowing!
Hey, Santa!
♪ I wasn't naughty All year long ♪
♪ I was mostlyReally nice ♪
♪ Didn't kick the dog much Or give my brother lice ♪
♪ So don't bring me No red rubber ball ♪
♪ Don't want no Game Boy at all ♪
♪ I want a gun ♪
♪ For Christmas ♪
♪ Listen to me Santa ♪
♪ I ain't playin' 'round ♪
♪ Got Mrs. Claus Right by my side ♪
♪ She is gaggedAnd bound ♪
♪ If you wannaSee her again ♪
♪ Better leave me A brand new MAC-10 ♪
♪ I want a gun ♪
♪ For Christmas ♪
Listen to that, honey.
The most beautiful sound in the world, kids screaming.
I'm glad you're happy, Dad.
Stan, I don't think Hayley's having as much fun as you are.
What are you talkin' about?
Don't you see, Stan? She's miserable.
She's given up everything she believes in
because she feels awful about hurting you.
I hate you. You make me sick.
-I'm not seein' it. -Smith!
-The crowd demands an encore. -Come on, Hayley. You ready?
Sure, Dad.
You suck!
All right, let's do "Ammo Blammo."
What's wrong? You missed your cue.
What's wrong? I was wrong. I can't make you do this.
What are you talking about?
I know you're only doing this because you blame yourself for hurting me.
But you would never hurt me.
And if you didn't hurt me, that only leaves the gun.
Which means... Which means guns are bad.
This is a song my daughter wrote.
♪ Guns make holes In your body ♪
♪ Through which You can't potty ♪
♪ Just your blood And guts spill out ♪
♪ Bambi's mom could Still munch grass ♪
♪ Tupac would beTappin' ass ♪
♪ If you hate guns Scream and shout ♪
Wow! If the hot girl doesn't like guns, I guess I don't either.
Uh-oh, we're losin' 'em.
This is my chance to get my job back.
♪ Just blood and Guts spill out ♪
♪ Bambi's mom couldStill munch grassTupac would be tappin' ass ♪
Dad! Oh, my God! He's been shot!
Hayley, tell Roger...
he's annoying.
Well, this time when you were shot...
Whoop! That's my X-ray-size vacation slide.
Here we go.
See? The second bullet passed through your neck and pushed the first bullet out.
You should be completely ambulatory again.
What good is that to a man who has to spend
the rest of his life in a chair?
Doc, your fork has magical powers!
-It's the bullet that saved you. -This is great!
We've gotta go back on tour and spread the word.
Guns are good!
-What? -Without guns, I'd still be in a wheelchair.
Guns heal the sick.
Did somebody order 40 cc's of deliciousness?
We found goodies in the lobby.
Wiffle Wicks, Bittles, Grape Gum... Hey, you're in my seat.
Sorry. Early bird gets the worm.
Early bird gets the worm, huh?
Yeah, enjoy the seat.
Enjoy... the seat.
Have a great night.