1 00:00:02,597 --> 00:00:05,354 ♪ Good morning USA ♪ 2 00:00:05,354 --> 00:00:08,791 ♪ I got a feelingThat it's gonna beA wonderful day ♪ 3 00:00:08,791 --> 00:00:11,628 ♪ The sun in the sky Has a smile on his face ♪ 4 00:00:11,628 --> 00:00:14,945 ♪ And he's shining a salute To the American race ♪ 5 00:00:17,742 --> 00:00:20,739 ♪ Oh boy it's swell to say ♪ 6 00:00:20,739 --> 00:00:23,497 ♪ Good morning USA ♪ 7 00:00:25,494 --> 00:00:28,251 ♪ Good morning, USA ♪ 8 00:00:32,607 --> 00:00:34,525 Snacks for the gun club. 9 00:00:34,525 --> 00:00:35,764 I'll be back with the drinks 10 00:00:35,764 --> 00:00:37,842 so you can all get locked and loaded. 11 00:00:40,759 --> 00:00:41,958 Funny. 12 00:00:41,958 --> 00:00:43,236 Did you save me a cookie? 13 00:00:43,236 --> 00:00:45,554 You bet I did. Last one. 14 00:00:45,554 --> 00:00:47,473 Oh, cookie, you look so good. 15 00:00:47,473 --> 00:00:50,589 Shh, shh! Don't speak. I'll go get some milk for your bath. 16 00:00:50,589 --> 00:00:52,587 I can't believe you're feeding those extremists 17 00:00:52,587 --> 00:00:55,145 from the National Gun Association. They're monsters! 18 00:00:55,145 --> 00:00:57,102 Oh, sweetheart, don't be so dramatic. 19 00:00:57,102 --> 00:00:59,580 Besides, aren't you having fun cooking with Mommy? 20 00:00:59,580 --> 00:01:02,937 I'm not cooking with Mommy. Dad handcuffed me to the oven! 21 00:01:02,937 --> 00:01:05,414 Well, if it weren't for handcuffs and your father, 22 00:01:05,414 --> 00:01:07,133 you wouldn't even be here, young lady. 23 00:01:08,970 --> 00:01:11,368 What the... Hey, that was my cookie! 24 00:01:11,368 --> 00:01:12,687 You snooze, you lose. 25 00:01:13,606 --> 00:01:16,523 You snooze, you lose, huh? 26 00:01:16,523 --> 00:01:18,561 Hmm. Okay. Eat up. 27 00:01:19,160 --> 00:01:21,838 Eat... up. 28 00:01:21,838 --> 00:01:24,675 Before we adjourn, let's recite the N.G.A. oath. 29 00:01:24,675 --> 00:01:26,353 Hold hands. 30 00:01:26,353 --> 00:01:28,671 Come on. It's not gay. There's guns in the room. 31 00:01:28,671 --> 00:01:30,829 We pledge to uphold the Second Amendment 32 00:01:30,829 --> 00:01:34,185 and use guns responsibly and in service to our fellow man. 33 00:01:35,904 --> 00:01:38,701 Hey, somebody stop that guy! He broke into my car and he stole my CDs! 34 00:01:38,701 --> 00:01:40,619 We pledge to act with swiftness, 35 00:01:40,619 --> 00:01:43,536 our ears always open to the cries of those in need. 36 00:01:43,536 --> 00:01:45,214 Help! Help! 37 00:01:45,214 --> 00:01:49,211 We promise to be ever vigilant, protecting our community from harm. 38 00:01:49,211 --> 00:01:52,328 And now, Action 3 News brings you a breaking story 39 00:01:52,328 --> 00:01:55,325 with anchor partners Greg Corbin and Terry Bates. 40 00:01:55,325 --> 00:01:56,963 -Good evening. -Our top story. 41 00:01:56,963 --> 00:02:00,080 A car was broken into on Cherry Street this afternoon. My car. 42 00:02:00,080 --> 00:02:02,398 The suspect was 6 foot 2 and a bastard! 43 00:02:02,398 --> 00:02:04,755 -Terry. -No, I work hard for my things! 44 00:02:04,755 --> 00:02:07,433 Drink your tea. You wanna cut to commercial? 45 00:02:07,433 --> 00:02:08,910 -Mm-hmm. -Let's cut to commercial. 46 00:02:09,950 --> 00:02:11,948 Right in our own neighborhood. 47 00:02:11,948 --> 00:02:14,985 Well, it's clear the time has come for me to show you where we hide our guns. 48 00:02:15,664 --> 00:02:17,263 Glock, 17 shots. 49 00:02:17,263 --> 00:02:19,660 Pen-gun, mightier than the sword. 50 00:02:19,660 --> 00:02:22,058 Sword-gun, mightier than the pen-gun. 51 00:02:22,058 --> 00:02:26,733 AR-15, MK5, MAC-10, paprika. 52 00:02:26,733 --> 00:02:29,050 That's weird. I use that pantry a lot. 53 00:02:29,050 --> 00:02:30,649 And the paprika not enough. 54 00:02:30,649 --> 00:02:33,566 I can't believe this house is teeming with guns. 55 00:02:33,566 --> 00:02:34,645 Guns kill. 56 00:02:34,645 --> 00:02:37,202 Oh, guns kill. Is that right? 57 00:02:37,202 --> 00:02:40,040 Well, let's see about that. Okay, gun, kill. 58 00:02:40,040 --> 00:02:42,837 Go ahead. Kill someone. Don't be shy. 59 00:02:42,837 --> 00:02:45,834 See? Guns don't kill people. People kill people. 60 00:02:45,834 --> 00:02:48,471 Gun defend people against people with smaller guns. 61 00:02:48,471 --> 00:02:50,269 -You're such a fascist. -Peace pusher! 62 00:02:50,269 --> 00:02:51,708 -Murderer! -Hermaphrodite! 63 00:02:51,708 --> 00:02:53,786 -Stan! -I'm swingin' wild, Francine! 64 00:02:53,786 --> 00:02:56,862 Damn it! I'm tired of you always being at each other's throats. 65 00:02:56,862 --> 00:02:58,781 You used to be best friends. 66 00:02:58,781 --> 00:03:01,738 Both of you, in the living room now! 67 00:03:01,738 --> 00:03:03,417 This is how you two used to be. 68 00:03:04,975 --> 00:03:06,134 Can I fly it? 69 00:03:06,134 --> 00:03:08,212 Only if you promise you won't fly away. 70 00:03:08,212 --> 00:03:10,209 Oh! 71 00:03:13,766 --> 00:03:19,280 ♪ I'd like to teach the world To sing in perfect harmony ♪ 72 00:03:19,280 --> 00:03:20,999 Hey, this is our spot! Push on! 73 00:03:20,999 --> 00:03:22,757 Are you deaf? Push on! 74 00:03:22,757 --> 00:03:26,713 ♪ I'd like to hold it In my arms ♪ 75 00:03:26,713 --> 00:03:28,990 Now, you promise you're just gonna watch it once and then erase it? 76 00:03:28,990 --> 00:03:31,508 Yes. I just wanna see what we look like. 77 00:03:35,544 --> 00:03:39,540 The point is, there was a time when you two weren't always fighting. 78 00:03:39,540 --> 00:03:42,337 That was before I knew Dad was a gun-toting maniac. 79 00:03:42,337 --> 00:03:42,857 Beatnik! 80 00:03:42,857 --> 00:03:44,455 -Warmonger! -Chupacabra! 81 00:03:44,455 --> 00:03:47,092 -I'm the Mexican bigfoot? -You heard her. She admitted it. 82 00:03:47,092 --> 00:03:48,651 Enough! Now, tomorrow, 83 00:03:48,651 --> 00:03:51,448 you two are going to spend the day together and reconnect, 84 00:03:51,448 --> 00:03:53,167 or I am gonna lose it! 85 00:03:54,486 --> 00:03:58,521 So help me, God, I will cut your pretty faces. 86 00:03:58,521 --> 00:04:01,838 -So, uh, tomorrow? -Yeah, yeah. Tomorrow. 87 00:04:01,838 --> 00:04:06,074 Ugh, that's the worst thing to happen to wine since the movie Sideways. 88 00:04:06,074 --> 00:04:08,551 That's right, America. Come get me. 89 00:04:08,551 --> 00:04:11,508 That sucks. Why wasn't I in any of those old family videos? 90 00:04:13,346 --> 00:04:16,343 Well, that's 'cause all the footage was taken before you were adopted. 91 00:04:16,343 --> 00:04:18,621 What? What are you talkin' about? I'm not adopted. 92 00:04:18,621 --> 00:04:20,419 No, no. Of course not. That'd be silly. 93 00:04:20,419 --> 00:04:24,255 You look just like your dad. Good night. 94 00:04:24,255 --> 00:04:27,932 I'm gonna make you cry and dip my cookie in your tears. 95 00:04:30,210 --> 00:04:32,128 This is stupid. Just drop me off 96 00:04:32,128 --> 00:04:33,526 and pick me up in a few hours. 97 00:04:33,526 --> 00:04:35,245 And risk getting my pretty face cut? 98 00:04:35,924 --> 00:04:37,802 No, thanks. 99 00:04:37,802 --> 00:04:40,079 Well, can you at least tell me where we're going? 100 00:04:40,079 --> 00:04:42,357 Remember that amusement park we went to when you were a kid? 101 00:04:42,357 --> 00:04:45,914 -You're taking me to Sugar Mountain? -You betcha, baby girl. 102 00:04:45,914 --> 00:04:49,550 That was the last place we went together before I started to hate you. 103 00:04:49,550 --> 00:04:50,549 Ditto. 104 00:04:53,347 --> 00:04:56,263 First we'll take the Rainbow Gondola to Smile Hollow. 105 00:04:56,263 --> 00:04:59,461 Then we'll eat some pixie doughnuts. Then we'll... What the... 106 00:04:59,461 --> 00:05:02,777 N.G.A. Land? A gun park? 107 00:05:02,777 --> 00:05:04,855 Yeah, Sugar Mountain closed down years ago. 108 00:05:04,855 --> 00:05:06,333 This is basically the same thing, 109 00:05:06,333 --> 00:05:09,090 except instead of riding a choo-choo through Fairy Book Land, 110 00:05:09,090 --> 00:05:10,929 you ride a bullet through a mugger's chest. 111 00:05:17,282 --> 00:05:20,919 You come out the exit wound! Whee! 112 00:05:29,470 --> 00:05:31,428 Ugh, this place is awful! 113 00:05:31,428 --> 00:05:34,425 Bumper Cartridges? The Splatterhorn? 114 00:05:34,425 --> 00:05:36,144 Hey, at least they kept the petting zoo. 115 00:05:39,060 --> 00:05:40,939 It's Ted Nugent's Kill 'N Grill. 116 00:05:40,939 --> 00:05:43,177 It's his flagship eat-what-you-shoot restaurant. 117 00:05:46,214 --> 00:05:48,012 I don't wanna kill the rabbit. 118 00:05:48,012 --> 00:05:51,208 Well, you've got to kill something. We're not stopping on the way home. 119 00:05:51,208 --> 00:05:54,325 Dad, this place is evil. They're trying to push guns on kids. 120 00:05:54,325 --> 00:05:56,443 No, they're not. That's absurd. 121 00:05:56,443 --> 00:06:01,678 Boys and girls, put your tiny hands togetherfor Bobby the Bullet! 122 00:06:04,635 --> 00:06:07,392 Uh-oh, kids. Who's that in the crowd? 123 00:06:07,392 --> 00:06:09,670 It's A.C.I. Lou! 124 00:06:09,670 --> 00:06:12,108 -Shh! -Boo! 125 00:06:12,108 --> 00:06:14,106 What do we do, kids? 126 00:06:14,106 --> 00:06:16,543 Shoot first. Ask questions later. 127 00:06:22,897 --> 00:06:24,015 You got me. 128 00:06:25,214 --> 00:06:26,494 Yeah! 129 00:06:29,610 --> 00:06:31,968 Hey, kids, listen to this. 130 00:06:31,968 --> 00:06:35,284 ♪ Guns make holes In your body ♪ 131 00:06:35,284 --> 00:06:37,283 ♪ Through which You can't potty ♪ 132 00:06:37,283 --> 00:06:40,759 ♪ Just your blood And guts spill out ♪ 133 00:06:40,759 --> 00:06:42,517 ♪ Bambi's mom Could still munch grass ♪ 134 00:06:42,517 --> 00:06:44,395 ♪ Tupac would beTappin' ass ♪ 135 00:06:44,395 --> 00:06:47,113 ♪ If you hate guns ♪ 136 00:06:47,113 --> 00:06:48,631 ♪ Scream and shout ♪ 137 00:06:49,510 --> 00:06:51,228 Everybody! 138 00:06:51,228 --> 00:06:53,666 ♪ Holes in your body... ♪ 139 00:06:53,666 --> 00:06:55,105 What's the meaning of all this? 140 00:06:55,105 --> 00:06:57,582 Oh God, the N.G.A. directors. 141 00:06:57,582 --> 00:06:59,260 Mr. Simms, Mr. Hobart. 142 00:06:59,260 --> 00:07:01,538 Smith, is that your daughter? 143 00:07:01,538 --> 00:07:03,336 ♪ If you hate... ♪ 144 00:07:03,336 --> 00:07:07,253 Uh, yes, but don't worry. I'll just put a silencer on her. Yeah, clever. 145 00:07:07,253 --> 00:07:09,051 Guards! 146 00:07:09,051 --> 00:07:12,048 Get away from me! This is a peaceful protest! 147 00:07:16,364 --> 00:07:17,522 That'll come right out. 148 00:07:18,441 --> 00:07:20,639 There you go. This is working. 149 00:07:23,437 --> 00:07:26,473 You can't kick me out of the N.G.A. I'm a lifetime member! 150 00:07:26,473 --> 00:07:28,751 Oh, my God! 151 00:07:28,751 --> 00:07:31,308 Total deja vu right now. This is so weird. 152 00:07:31,308 --> 00:07:32,907 You were right there, just like this, 153 00:07:32,907 --> 00:07:35,584 and then I was overcome with crushing disappointment. 154 00:07:35,584 --> 00:07:37,182 Oh, man, my card. 155 00:07:37,702 --> 00:07:38,661 Oh ho! 156 00:07:43,057 --> 00:07:45,654 I asked Mom if I was adopted, and she said no. 157 00:07:45,654 --> 00:07:48,211 Well, what'd you think she was gonna say? She's in too deep. 158 00:07:48,211 --> 00:07:51,089 But, hey, don't take my word for it. 159 00:07:51,089 --> 00:07:53,407 I'm not in this one either. How can this be? 160 00:07:59,520 --> 00:08:02,317 Look at little "Stevsie" sleep. 161 00:08:02,317 --> 00:08:04,475 You snooze, you lose. 162 00:08:11,508 --> 00:08:15,105 This must be very painful for you. 163 00:08:15,105 --> 00:08:17,662 Come on, Hayley. The N.G.A. won't reinstate my membership 164 00:08:17,662 --> 00:08:19,061 unless you apologize. 165 00:08:19,061 --> 00:08:21,658 -Yeah, right. When pigs fly. -Aha! 166 00:08:22,457 --> 00:08:24,695 Lab. 167 00:08:24,695 --> 00:08:26,254 How we doin', guys? Did it work? 168 00:08:29,050 --> 00:08:33,047 Uh, we gotta call you back. 169 00:08:33,047 --> 00:08:36,444 Look, the N.G.A. is the only thing in my life that means anything to me. 170 00:08:36,444 --> 00:08:38,641 -Ahem! -What, are you getting sick? 171 00:08:38,641 --> 00:08:41,398 Don't come near me. I can't afford to get sick. 172 00:08:41,398 --> 00:08:43,436 So, now that you know they're not your real parents, 173 00:08:43,436 --> 00:08:45,634 are you gonna call them Stan and Francine? 174 00:08:45,634 --> 00:08:47,912 No, I'm gonna call them Mom and Dad. 175 00:08:47,912 --> 00:08:49,230 I'm still their son. 176 00:08:50,149 --> 00:08:51,588 Oh Stan, calm down. 177 00:08:51,588 --> 00:08:54,146 As far as I'm concerned, we only have one child! 178 00:08:54,146 --> 00:08:57,023 It's like someone left the other one on our doorstep. 179 00:09:01,618 --> 00:09:04,496 Oh, I just love it when crap lines up like that. 180 00:09:08,251 --> 00:09:10,090 Mom? Dad? 181 00:09:11,568 --> 00:09:13,406 Just take what you want and go! 182 00:09:16,484 --> 00:09:19,481 Hayley, quick! Get the gun in the china cabinet! 183 00:09:25,954 --> 00:09:27,952 I... I shot him. 184 00:09:27,952 --> 00:09:32,467 Murderer! Just kidding. You saved the family, kiddo. Pizza? Let's order pizza. 185 00:09:37,182 --> 00:09:39,860 How's my little executioner holding up? 186 00:09:39,860 --> 00:09:42,057 All my life, I've said guns were bad. 187 00:09:42,057 --> 00:09:43,576 I'm such a hypocrite. 188 00:09:43,576 --> 00:09:45,214 Honey, he was robbing us, 189 00:09:45,214 --> 00:09:48,411 -and he was gonna force himself on me. -He said that? 190 00:09:48,411 --> 00:09:50,010 Well, no, but I assume. 191 00:09:51,168 --> 00:09:53,407 What? You think I'm not attractive enough? 192 00:09:53,407 --> 00:09:54,685 That what? 193 00:09:54,685 --> 00:09:57,042 That he'd just skip me and go straight to you? 194 00:09:57,042 --> 00:09:58,521 Well, aren't we conceited. 195 00:09:58,521 --> 00:10:01,039 Mom, I killed someone. 196 00:10:01,039 --> 00:10:03,196 Sweetheart, you had no choice. 197 00:10:03,196 --> 00:10:05,035 You saved the family. 198 00:10:05,035 --> 00:10:08,071 Yeah, I did, huh? And with a gun. 199 00:10:08,071 --> 00:10:10,070 I guess I owe the N.G.A. that apology. 200 00:10:12,068 --> 00:10:13,706 What the hell? 201 00:10:13,706 --> 00:10:17,383 That's the burglar! Dad staged the whole thing! 202 00:10:17,383 --> 00:10:20,539 Yeah, I get it, Hayley. I'm "unrapable," not stupid. 203 00:10:21,977 --> 00:10:23,497 You lunatic! 204 00:10:23,497 --> 00:10:27,292 You tricked us just so you could get an apology out of Hayley? 205 00:10:27,292 --> 00:10:29,730 Is your gun club that important to you? 206 00:10:30,129 --> 00:10:31,088 And you! 207 00:10:31,728 --> 00:10:33,526 You missed out, pal. 208 00:10:34,685 --> 00:10:37,082 Dad! I thought I killed someone. 209 00:10:37,082 --> 00:10:39,120 Aha! You thought you killed someone. 210 00:10:39,120 --> 00:10:41,239 Before, you said guns kill, not people. 211 00:10:41,239 --> 00:10:42,517 I win! 212 00:10:42,517 --> 00:10:43,756 Someone could have been hurt. 213 00:10:43,756 --> 00:10:45,155 Relax. They're just blanks. 214 00:10:45,155 --> 00:10:46,912 Blanks? 215 00:10:46,912 --> 00:10:50,110 Oh, hi, I'm Stan Smith. I think it's cool to trick my daughter. 216 00:10:50,110 --> 00:10:52,707 Who cares if it scars her for life? 217 00:10:52,707 --> 00:10:54,385 I guess they weren't all blanks. 218 00:10:56,023 --> 00:10:57,502 Dad! Help him! 219 00:10:58,861 --> 00:11:00,300 Call a real ambulance! 220 00:11:05,814 --> 00:11:08,491 The, uh, bullet is lodged in your spine, 221 00:11:08,491 --> 00:11:10,888 and, I'm afraid, for the rest of your life... 222 00:11:10,888 --> 00:11:12,447 you'll be a quadriplegic. 223 00:11:12,447 --> 00:11:15,884 Well, that sounds fancy. Come on, people. Souplantation on Daddy! 224 00:11:24,715 --> 00:11:26,673 Daddy, I made you some soup. 225 00:11:26,673 --> 00:11:29,110 Let it cool, 'cause it's much, much too hot. 226 00:11:29,110 --> 00:11:30,789 Oh, my God! 227 00:11:30,789 --> 00:11:33,786 I got you! I can't feel a thing. 228 00:11:33,786 --> 00:11:35,704 Hayley, why don't you get some sleep? 229 00:11:35,704 --> 00:11:38,221 You haven't left your father's side in three days. 230 00:11:38,221 --> 00:11:39,700 This was my fault. 231 00:11:39,700 --> 00:11:42,457 Hey, don't worry about me. I'm still your same old dad. 232 00:11:42,457 --> 00:11:43,457 What's that sound? 233 00:11:44,296 --> 00:11:45,934 Oh, I'm peeing. Fantastic! 234 00:11:47,532 --> 00:11:50,089 Hey, I found your real parents online. 235 00:11:50,089 --> 00:11:53,566 Stan and Francine didn't adopt you. They kidnapped you. 236 00:11:53,566 --> 00:11:57,282 -What? -Yep, they nabbed you when you were three... 237 00:11:57,282 --> 00:11:59,760 from a boat show. 238 00:11:59,760 --> 00:12:01,998 That explains why I've always wanted a boat. 239 00:12:01,998 --> 00:12:03,875 Well, there you go, Tom. 240 00:12:03,875 --> 00:12:06,633 That's your real name. Tom Madsen. 241 00:12:06,633 --> 00:12:08,591 Wow. Tom Madsen. 242 00:12:08,591 --> 00:12:12,667 You know, the name Smith never felt right. It's not a seafaring name. 243 00:12:12,667 --> 00:12:15,384 No, but Madsen, that's Norwegian. 244 00:12:15,384 --> 00:12:17,862 So, Tom, how'd you like to meet your real parents? 245 00:12:20,779 --> 00:12:23,056 Thanks for pimpin' my ride, Hayley. 246 00:12:30,009 --> 00:12:33,126 Whoo! A little light-headed. Did my streamers catch wind? 247 00:12:33,126 --> 00:12:37,562 Um, yeah. Look, Dad, now that you can't work at the C.I.A., 248 00:12:37,562 --> 00:12:40,040 have you given any thought to what you want to do with your life? 249 00:12:40,040 --> 00:12:41,479 I sure have. 250 00:12:41,479 --> 00:12:44,195 I wanna make a difference. I wanna be an activist. 251 00:12:44,195 --> 00:12:46,793 Really? Oh, that's great, Dad! 252 00:12:47,792 --> 00:12:48,871 Thanks, honey. 253 00:12:48,871 --> 00:12:50,629 Come on over here and give your dad a hug. 254 00:12:54,625 --> 00:12:58,181 Now let's go and have a little talk with those boys at the N.G.A. 255 00:12:58,181 --> 00:13:00,259 -Right on! -Hey, Son. 256 00:13:00,259 --> 00:13:02,178 Don't "Son" me, baby snatcher. 257 00:13:04,096 --> 00:13:05,335 Somethin' on your mind, champ? 258 00:13:05,335 --> 00:13:06,693 Steve, what are you doing? 259 00:13:06,693 --> 00:13:10,370 Something we've both wanted to do for years, "Sis." 260 00:13:10,370 --> 00:13:14,446 Mmm! 261 00:13:16,283 --> 00:13:17,802 Oh, my God! 262 00:13:17,802 --> 00:13:20,599 Everything that happens from this point on is just gravy. 263 00:13:23,596 --> 00:13:26,074 My dad was paralyzed in a gun accident, 264 00:13:26,074 --> 00:13:27,832 and he has something to say about it. 265 00:13:27,832 --> 00:13:29,750 -Tell 'em, Dad. -I will, Hayley. 266 00:13:29,750 --> 00:13:33,426 Gentlemen, my body is lifeless, but my brain still works. 267 00:13:33,426 --> 00:13:36,384 And it's telling me to tell my mouth to tell you 268 00:13:36,384 --> 00:13:39,700 that I want to be a progun spokesman for the N.G.A. 269 00:13:39,700 --> 00:13:40,499 What? 270 00:13:41,218 --> 00:13:42,498 Who better than me? 271 00:13:42,498 --> 00:13:44,815 What's left of my spine tells the whole story. 272 00:13:44,815 --> 00:13:45,814 Guns work. 273 00:13:45,814 --> 00:13:47,692 But you were paralyzed by a gun! 274 00:13:47,692 --> 00:13:49,570 No, I was paralyzed by you. 275 00:13:49,570 --> 00:13:51,448 Look, I'm not gonna point fingers here. 276 00:13:51,448 --> 00:13:54,205 Because I can't. Because of you. 277 00:13:54,205 --> 00:13:56,083 We already have a spokesman. 278 00:13:56,083 --> 00:13:58,641 Actually, the kids never really did embrace you, Bobby. 279 00:13:58,641 --> 00:14:00,559 But you know what the kids did respond to? 280 00:14:00,559 --> 00:14:01,798 His daughter's music. 281 00:14:01,798 --> 00:14:03,276 Mm-hmm. 282 00:14:03,276 --> 00:14:05,275 How about it, Smith? This Saturday is 283 00:14:05,275 --> 00:14:07,992 the No Child Left Unarmed Jamboree. 284 00:14:07,992 --> 00:14:10,589 If you and your daughter perform, you're our new spokesman. 285 00:14:10,589 --> 00:14:12,547 -Yes! -No! 286 00:14:12,547 --> 00:14:16,623 Dad, I'd do anything for you, but this goes against everything I stand for. 287 00:14:16,623 --> 00:14:18,621 Mmm, "stand." 288 00:14:18,621 --> 00:14:20,819 That's okay. I respect how you feel. 289 00:14:21,658 --> 00:14:23,416 Mmm, "feel." 290 00:14:24,176 --> 00:14:25,854 Okay, I'll do it. 291 00:14:25,854 --> 00:14:27,772 Really? Yes! Victory lap! 292 00:14:33,167 --> 00:14:35,204 Bobby, you're fired. Turn in the costume. 293 00:14:35,204 --> 00:14:38,441 Never! 294 00:14:42,837 --> 00:14:45,274 Why would I wear a sailor suit to meet my real parents? 295 00:14:45,274 --> 00:14:47,353 You were kidnapped at a boat show. 296 00:14:47,353 --> 00:14:49,190 Your parents have a boat. They're rich. 297 00:14:49,190 --> 00:14:51,908 -You want them to recognize you or not? -You're right. You're right. 298 00:14:51,908 --> 00:14:53,826 Don't forget this curly blond wig. 299 00:14:53,826 --> 00:14:55,265 Why would I wear a wig? 300 00:14:55,265 --> 00:14:56,703 You're Norwegian. 301 00:14:56,703 --> 00:14:58,102 Right, right. 302 00:15:02,817 --> 00:15:05,973 Hmm, I'm stuck on these lyrics. What rhymes with ammo? 303 00:15:05,973 --> 00:15:09,411 Empty shell of a girl who's completely sold out her values? 304 00:15:09,411 --> 00:15:11,888 No, I'm pretty sure it should end with an "O." 305 00:15:11,888 --> 00:15:15,364 -"Blammo?" -Blammo. Good, good, good. 306 00:15:15,364 --> 00:15:19,960 Look at you two. Who would have thought guns would bring you so close together? 307 00:15:19,960 --> 00:15:23,437 I know. If only we could get some guns to the Middle East. 308 00:15:30,469 --> 00:15:34,265 Mr. Madsen? I'm Tom, your son. 309 00:15:34,265 --> 00:15:37,182 Oh, my God. Tommy! 310 00:15:37,182 --> 00:15:40,499 Is it really you? Jane, come quick! 311 00:15:40,499 --> 00:15:43,656 -Mama? -Thomas! You are alive! 312 00:15:43,656 --> 00:15:46,853 All these years, we never gave up hope. 313 00:15:49,051 --> 00:15:51,208 Gotcha! Those aren't your parents! 314 00:15:51,208 --> 00:15:53,047 That's for taking my cookie! 315 00:15:53,047 --> 00:15:54,325 -What? -Remember? 316 00:15:54,325 --> 00:15:56,044 "You snooze, you lose"? 317 00:15:56,044 --> 00:15:58,241 You... You put me through all this 318 00:15:58,241 --> 00:15:59,840 ju... just because I ate your cookie? 319 00:16:01,439 --> 00:16:04,555 Dude, that is awesome! 320 00:16:04,555 --> 00:16:06,513 You so got me! 321 00:16:06,513 --> 00:16:08,152 Thanks. Thanks. 322 00:16:08,152 --> 00:16:10,349 There were a couple times when I didn't think you were buying it. 323 00:16:10,349 --> 00:16:12,827 Hey, I'm in a sailor suit. 324 00:16:12,827 --> 00:16:15,184 Man, I should have known. These people aren't rich. 325 00:16:15,184 --> 00:16:16,583 Look at their house. It's a box. 326 00:16:16,583 --> 00:16:18,141 Oh, oh! Picture. Picture. 327 00:16:26,374 --> 00:16:28,731 Thank you. That was "Suzy Shot a Unicorn." 328 00:16:30,489 --> 00:16:33,167 Look, kids, it's snowing! 329 00:16:33,806 --> 00:16:34,845 Hey, Santa! 330 00:16:36,324 --> 00:16:38,921 ♪ I wasn't naughty All year long ♪ 331 00:16:38,921 --> 00:16:41,958 ♪ I was mostlyReally nice ♪ 332 00:16:41,958 --> 00:16:46,633 ♪ Didn't kick the dog much Or give my brother lice ♪ 333 00:16:46,633 --> 00:16:49,510 ♪ So don't bring me No red rubber ball ♪ 334 00:16:49,510 --> 00:16:52,388 ♪ Don't want no Game Boy at all ♪ 335 00:16:52,388 --> 00:16:55,504 ♪ I want a gun ♪ 336 00:16:55,504 --> 00:16:57,902 ♪ For Christmas ♪ 337 00:16:58,701 --> 00:17:01,379 ♪ Listen to me Santa ♪ 338 00:17:01,379 --> 00:17:04,016 ♪ I ain't playin' 'round ♪ 339 00:17:04,016 --> 00:17:07,133 ♪ Got Mrs. Claus Right by my side ♪ 340 00:17:07,133 --> 00:17:08,891 ♪ She is gaggedAnd bound ♪ 341 00:17:08,891 --> 00:17:11,608 ♪ If you wannaSee her again ♪ 342 00:17:11,608 --> 00:17:14,605 ♪ Better leave me A brand new MAC-10 ♪ 343 00:17:14,605 --> 00:17:17,762 ♪ I want a gun ♪ 344 00:17:17,762 --> 00:17:20,599 ♪ For Christmas ♪ 345 00:17:25,394 --> 00:17:26,793 Listen to that, honey. 346 00:17:26,793 --> 00:17:29,550 The most beautiful sound in the world, kids screaming. 347 00:17:29,550 --> 00:17:31,908 I'm glad you're happy, Dad. 348 00:17:31,908 --> 00:17:34,665 Stan, I don't think Hayley's having as much fun as you are. 349 00:17:34,665 --> 00:17:35,704 What are you talkin' about? 350 00:17:37,463 --> 00:17:40,220 Don't you see, Stan? She's miserable. 351 00:17:40,220 --> 00:17:42,177 She's given up everything she believes in 352 00:17:42,177 --> 00:17:45,054 because she feels awful about hurting you. 353 00:17:45,054 --> 00:17:46,573 I hate you. You make me sick. 354 00:17:48,252 --> 00:17:50,050 -I'm not seein' it. -Smith! 355 00:17:50,050 --> 00:17:52,966 -The crowd demands an encore. -Come on, Hayley. You ready? 356 00:17:52,966 --> 00:17:56,363 Sure, Dad. 357 00:17:56,803 --> 00:17:58,481 You suck! 358 00:17:58,481 --> 00:18:00,998 All right, let's do "Ammo Blammo." 359 00:18:10,349 --> 00:18:12,108 What's wrong? You missed your cue. 360 00:18:12,108 --> 00:18:16,184 What's wrong? I was wrong. I can't make you do this. 361 00:18:17,502 --> 00:18:19,220 What are you talking about? 362 00:18:19,220 --> 00:18:22,097 I know you're only doing this because you blame yourself for hurting me. 363 00:18:22,097 --> 00:18:24,096 But you would never hurt me. 364 00:18:24,096 --> 00:18:28,731 And if you didn't hurt me, that only leaves the gun. 365 00:18:28,731 --> 00:18:32,368 Which means... Which means guns are bad. 366 00:18:32,368 --> 00:18:34,085 This is a song my daughter wrote. 367 00:18:35,324 --> 00:18:38,921 ♪ Guns make holes In your body ♪ 368 00:18:38,921 --> 00:18:40,879 ♪ Through which You can't potty ♪ 369 00:18:40,879 --> 00:18:42,997 ♪ Just your blood And guts spill out ♪ 370 00:18:44,435 --> 00:18:46,193 ♪ Bambi's mom could Still munch grass ♪ 371 00:18:46,193 --> 00:18:47,952 ♪ Tupac would beTappin' ass ♪ 372 00:18:47,952 --> 00:18:52,148 ♪ If you hate guns Scream and shout ♪ 373 00:18:52,148 --> 00:18:55,304 Wow! If the hot girl doesn't like guns, I guess I don't either. 374 00:18:55,304 --> 00:18:56,783 Uh-oh, we're losin' 'em. 375 00:18:56,783 --> 00:18:59,020 This is my chance to get my job back. 376 00:18:59,020 --> 00:19:01,738 ♪ Just blood and Guts spill out ♪ 377 00:19:01,738 --> 00:19:05,175 ♪ Bambi's mom couldStill munch grassTupac would be tappin' ass ♪ 378 00:19:19,040 --> 00:19:21,238 Dad! Oh, my God! He's been shot! 379 00:19:21,238 --> 00:19:23,796 Hayley, tell Roger... 380 00:19:24,555 --> 00:19:25,873 he's annoying. 381 00:19:29,350 --> 00:19:30,869 Well, this time when you were shot... 382 00:19:32,627 --> 00:19:35,224 Whoop! That's my X-ray-size vacation slide. 383 00:19:35,224 --> 00:19:37,223 Here we go. 384 00:19:37,223 --> 00:19:40,220 See? The second bullet passed through your neck and pushed the first bullet out. 385 00:19:40,220 --> 00:19:42,258 You should be completely ambulatory again. 386 00:19:42,258 --> 00:19:44,775 What good is that to a man who has to spend 387 00:19:44,775 --> 00:19:47,212 the rest of his life in a chair? 388 00:19:47,212 --> 00:19:50,489 Doc, your fork has magical powers! 389 00:19:50,489 --> 00:19:53,287 -It's the bullet that saved you. -This is great! 390 00:19:53,287 --> 00:19:55,524 We've gotta go back on tour and spread the word. 391 00:19:55,524 --> 00:19:56,883 Guns are good! 392 00:19:56,883 --> 00:19:59,281 -What? -Without guns, I'd still be in a wheelchair. 393 00:19:59,281 --> 00:20:00,759 Guns heal the sick. 394 00:20:02,837 --> 00:20:06,033 Did somebody order 40 cc's of deliciousness? 395 00:20:06,033 --> 00:20:07,632 We found goodies in the lobby. 396 00:20:07,632 --> 00:20:10,948 Wiffle Wicks, Bittles, Grape Gum... Hey, you're in my seat. 397 00:20:10,948 --> 00:20:12,827 Sorry. Early bird gets the worm. 398 00:20:13,945 --> 00:20:16,543 Early bird gets the worm, huh? 399 00:20:17,502 --> 00:20:19,181 Yeah, enjoy the seat. 400 00:20:20,020 --> 00:20:21,977 Enjoy... the seat. 401 00:20:59,540 --> 00:21:00,619 Have a great night.