1 00:00:02,678 --> 00:00:05,754 ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ 2 00:00:17,862 --> 00:00:20,820 -Where's Smith? -He was supposed to meet us here. 3 00:00:20,820 --> 00:00:23,137 Hey! Gimme a chance to emerge! 4 00:00:23,137 --> 00:00:25,415 -Oh, look. You stained the sleeve! -I'm sorry. 5 00:00:25,415 --> 00:00:28,930 Oh! Sorry's useful. Sorry's not a Shout Wipe, is it? 6 00:00:28,930 --> 00:00:31,888 Men, this is the most difficult mission we've ever faced. 7 00:00:31,888 --> 00:00:35,924 The target? Our boss, Deputy Director Bullock. 8 00:00:35,924 --> 00:00:37,842 We've got to plan a surprise party 9 00:00:37,842 --> 00:00:40,400 honoring his 25 years at the C.I.A.! 10 00:00:42,757 --> 00:00:45,036 Oh, Ernest and Julio Gallo, 11 00:00:45,036 --> 00:00:48,632 you make a glorious wine and a handsome couple. 12 00:00:48,632 --> 00:00:50,988 Francine! Roger, have you seen Francine? 13 00:00:50,988 --> 00:00:53,227 Not since she came back from the store with this. 14 00:00:53,227 --> 00:00:55,704 Look at its magnificent size! 15 00:00:55,704 --> 00:00:58,741 I'm completely off my ass, and I'm barely down to the label! 16 00:00:58,741 --> 00:01:01,738 Come on, Hayley! You're goin' to the movies with Jeff anyway. 17 00:01:01,738 --> 00:01:04,295 -Just gimme a ride! -You know the rule. 18 00:01:04,295 --> 00:01:06,613 You're the most environmentally conscious, 19 00:01:06,613 --> 00:01:09,330 self-actualized feminist in the world. 20 00:01:09,330 --> 00:01:12,247 -And? -And... I'm a douche bag. 21 00:01:12,247 --> 00:01:15,364 Bye, Dad. We're goin' to see the new Michael Moore documentary. 22 00:01:15,364 --> 00:01:18,521 Michael Moore? Oh, you mean Michael bin Laden! 23 00:01:18,521 --> 00:01:21,399 America is the greatest country in the world! 24 00:01:21,399 --> 00:01:25,155 Nay, the universe! If that whiny troublemaker doesn't like it, 25 00:01:25,155 --> 00:01:29,311 he can pack up his admittedly pithy baseball caps and take a slow Prius to Canada! 26 00:01:29,311 --> 00:01:31,948 Hayley, I forbid you to see that movie! 27 00:01:31,948 --> 00:01:34,666 Damn! She took my gold card. 28 00:01:34,666 --> 00:01:36,943 And my lucky condom from 10th grade! 29 00:01:36,943 --> 00:01:38,861 Hi, everyone. Sorry I'm late. 30 00:01:38,861 --> 00:01:41,579 There's my clever little shopper. 31 00:01:41,579 --> 00:01:43,816 Oh, this four-liter jug-- screamin'! 32 00:01:43,816 --> 00:01:46,933 Francine, good news. I'm in charge of planning Bullock's party, 33 00:01:46,933 --> 00:01:49,570 which means you're in charge of planning Bullock's party. 34 00:01:49,570 --> 00:01:52,647 -It's on Saturday night. -You planned a party for Saturday? 35 00:01:52,647 --> 00:01:55,244 -That's opening night of my play! -Play? What play? 36 00:01:55,244 --> 00:01:58,202 I'm in the Langley Players production of Beauty and the Beast. 37 00:01:58,202 --> 00:02:00,760 I play the teapot. It's kind of an important role. 38 00:02:00,760 --> 00:02:02,837 The teapot is everything! 39 00:02:02,837 --> 00:02:05,475 Without Mrs. Potts, the Beast would have killed himself years ago! 40 00:02:05,475 --> 00:02:08,791 I'm sorry. This story is rather personal to me. 41 00:02:08,791 --> 00:02:11,868 For who could ever love... a beast? 42 00:02:11,868 --> 00:02:14,066 Francine, this is the first I'm hearing of any play. 43 00:02:14,066 --> 00:02:15,824 No, Stan. It isn't. 44 00:02:15,824 --> 00:02:18,222 I aced the play audition! 45 00:02:18,222 --> 00:02:20,420 Play rehearsals are going well. 46 00:02:20,420 --> 00:02:23,697 We got the playbills today at the playhouse of the play I'm in! 47 00:02:23,697 --> 00:02:26,294 "Mama, there's a girl in the castle." 48 00:02:26,294 --> 00:02:29,451 "Now, Chip, I won't have you makin' up such wild stories." 49 00:02:29,451 --> 00:02:31,648 Uh, I'd hit the you, not the wild. It's better. 50 00:02:31,648 --> 00:02:35,245 -Mmm. Doesn't ring a bell. -Well, too bad. I'm doing the play. 51 00:02:35,245 --> 00:02:38,441 -It's important to me. -And this party is important to me. 52 00:02:38,441 --> 00:02:41,838 -I forbid you to do that play! -You forbid me? Ha! 53 00:02:43,316 --> 00:02:45,475 Hey! I "forbidded" you! 54 00:02:47,273 --> 00:02:49,471 I'm visiting Sarah Swanson, 55 00:02:49,471 --> 00:02:52,388 whose husband would still be alive today 56 00:02:52,388 --> 00:02:56,144 if her H.M.O. had approved a medically vital operation. 57 00:02:57,982 --> 00:02:59,780 Hey, that's Angelina Jolie! 58 00:02:59,780 --> 00:03:01,659 I thought this was a documentary. 59 00:03:01,659 --> 00:03:04,735 Even though I was a journalist, 60 00:03:04,735 --> 00:03:07,533 I knew I had to comfort her. 61 00:03:11,008 --> 00:03:14,246 I don't believe it! Michael Moore has sold out? 62 00:03:14,246 --> 00:03:17,842 -Jeff, that's a corn dog! We're vegetarian! -Still? 63 00:03:17,842 --> 00:03:20,519 God! Is there no integrity left in America? 64 00:03:20,519 --> 00:03:22,557 Come on, Steve. We're leaving. 65 00:03:22,557 --> 00:03:24,995 Two more buttons! Two more buttons! 66 00:03:24,995 --> 00:03:28,912 -Usher! There's a little kid, alone, in an R-rated movie! -Aah! 67 00:03:28,912 --> 00:03:33,186 Oh, no. I'm about to lose my... coverage. 68 00:03:33,186 --> 00:03:36,024 No! 69 00:03:38,741 --> 00:03:41,618 Francine, hurry up! We'll be late for my boss's party! 70 00:03:41,618 --> 00:03:43,856 What the-- 71 00:03:43,856 --> 00:03:47,053 Shut the trunk. I'm sneaking into the drive-in. 72 00:03:47,053 --> 00:03:49,250 Francine, you've gotten so fat! 73 00:03:49,250 --> 00:03:51,769 Stan! This is my costume for the play! 74 00:03:51,769 --> 00:03:54,486 -Our performance is tonight. -Play? What play? 75 00:03:54,486 --> 00:03:57,283 This is the first I'm hearing of any play. Go get ready for the party. 76 00:03:57,283 --> 00:03:59,800 Look, Stan. I don't have to do whatever you say. 77 00:03:59,800 --> 00:04:02,797 Marriage is an equal partnership! 78 00:04:02,797 --> 00:04:06,394 -One of these days, Francine! -One of these days! 79 00:04:06,394 --> 00:04:09,191 Right in the kisser! 80 00:04:17,222 --> 00:04:21,219 Hey, Agent Smith. Jay Leno. Your boss ready to be roasted? 81 00:04:21,219 --> 00:04:24,216 Oh, I guess so. I was hoping my wife would show up before you went on. 82 00:04:24,216 --> 00:04:28,412 Ooh! Wife not here to support you? Guess we know who wears the pants in your fam-- 83 00:04:32,887 --> 00:04:36,243 Oh, oh, I'm sorry, Jay. I'm sorry. Wake up. Wake up, funny man. 84 00:04:36,243 --> 00:04:39,001 Wake up. Wake up, damn you! 85 00:04:39,001 --> 00:04:41,838 Oh, oh, I'm sorry, Jay. I'm sorry. 86 00:04:41,838 --> 00:04:45,355 Uh, ladies and gentlemen, Jay Leno has come down with a broken neck, 87 00:04:45,355 --> 00:04:47,513 so I'll be doing the roast. 88 00:04:47,513 --> 00:04:49,351 Luckily, I have his hilarious jokes. 89 00:04:50,589 --> 00:04:53,427 Mmm. Mmm. Mmm, mmm, mmm. 90 00:04:53,427 --> 00:04:56,703 Okay, moving on. Uh, funny insult comedy-- 91 00:04:56,703 --> 00:05:00,219 Uh, so you know how Bullock prides himself on knowing everything? 92 00:05:00,219 --> 00:05:03,417 Well, he didn't know his mother had cancer until it was too late to operate. 93 00:05:06,093 --> 00:05:10,650 Ah, what else? Oh, we all know Bullock's wife is a hostage in Fallujah, right? 94 00:05:10,650 --> 00:05:14,126 Well, that hasn't stopped him with the ladies. Especially the big 'uns. 95 00:05:14,126 --> 00:05:16,923 Oh, yeah! He's an Asian chubby chaser. 96 00:05:16,923 --> 00:05:20,759 Oh, him so horny! 97 00:05:20,759 --> 00:05:24,515 So horny! 98 00:05:26,434 --> 00:05:27,912 Damn it! If Francine had been here, 99 00:05:27,912 --> 00:05:30,150 she could have started a wave of laughter. 100 00:05:30,150 --> 00:05:32,946 Laughter is infectious, like smallpox or gay. 101 00:05:32,946 --> 00:05:35,744 She wants to be equal partners? Well, I say, "No way!" 102 00:05:35,744 --> 00:05:40,659 ♪ I don't want a partner I want a wife ♪ 103 00:05:40,659 --> 00:05:45,294 ♪ Someone who's happy taking care of my life ♪ 104 00:05:45,294 --> 00:05:48,012 ♪ Where's my Edith Bunker ♪ 105 00:05:48,012 --> 00:05:51,009 ♪ Laura Petrie Wilma Flintstone ♪ 106 00:05:51,009 --> 00:05:53,687 I would never let Archie go to a party alone. 107 00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:04,076 ♪ I want to go back to a simpler time ♪ 108 00:06:04,076 --> 00:06:08,072 ♪ When men were men and women had no say ♪ 109 00:06:08,072 --> 00:06:11,628 ♪ Content to love honor and obey ♪ 110 00:06:11,628 --> 00:06:15,665 ♪ I want to be greeted with a massage and a martini ♪ 111 00:06:15,665 --> 00:06:21,339 ♪ The way master was by his Jeannie ♪ 112 00:06:21,339 --> 00:06:25,375 ♪ I don't buy this independence and doing your own thing ♪ 113 00:06:25,375 --> 00:06:29,810 ♪ I want a woman to make me feel like a king ♪ 114 00:06:29,810 --> 00:06:35,204 ♪ This ship is sinking and I'm swimming for my life ♪ 115 00:06:35,204 --> 00:06:39,560 ♪ I don't want a partner ♪ Damn it! 116 00:06:39,560 --> 00:06:46,074 ♪ I want a wife ♪ 117 00:06:51,668 --> 00:06:53,626 Oh, did I just sing my way in here? 118 00:06:53,626 --> 00:06:56,065 Yes. Please, just take what you want and leave! 119 00:06:56,065 --> 00:06:58,542 -Are we gonna die, Mommy? -Yes, Brandy. 120 00:07:01,259 --> 00:07:03,577 -I'm not going to fire you, Smith. -Oh, really? 121 00:07:03,577 --> 00:07:06,694 No. I'm going to promote you. 122 00:07:06,694 --> 00:07:09,810 It will require you and your family to relocate. 123 00:07:09,810 --> 00:07:11,449 Relocate? 124 00:07:23,516 --> 00:07:27,632 Wait a minute! This isn't a promotion! 125 00:07:34,386 --> 00:07:36,863 All right, everyone stay calm. 126 00:07:36,863 --> 00:07:39,460 We may be in Saudi Arabia, but that doesn't mean we have to panic or blame your mother. 127 00:07:39,460 --> 00:07:41,979 Just stay close, so we don't leave ourselves open to an ambush. 128 00:07:41,979 --> 00:07:43,856 Dad, that is so ignorant. 129 00:07:43,856 --> 00:07:45,694 Hey, these people are extremists. 130 00:07:45,694 --> 00:07:47,932 That's not ignorance. That's fact. 131 00:07:47,932 --> 00:07:50,450 Quick! Cover your mouths! That's how they enter your body to lay their eggs. 132 00:07:52,687 --> 00:07:54,925 Bullock can't hold a grudge forever. 133 00:07:54,925 --> 00:07:57,722 I'll call him every hour until he gives me my old job back. 134 00:07:57,722 --> 00:08:01,798 I think this is an opportunity to really breathe in a culture that's so different from-- 135 00:08:01,798 --> 00:08:04,076 Roll 'em up. 136 00:08:04,076 --> 00:08:07,392 -How come all the women are dressed like ninjas? -They're wearing abayas. 137 00:08:07,392 --> 00:08:10,031 Saudi women aren't objectified like women in Western cultures. 138 00:08:10,031 --> 00:08:11,988 The beauty myth doesn't exist here. 139 00:08:11,988 --> 00:08:14,546 It doesn't exist in Idaho either. Why couldn't we go there? 140 00:08:14,546 --> 00:08:16,624 Talk about a bunch of dogs. 141 00:08:16,624 --> 00:08:20,020 Oh, good, a Shwarma King. I'm starving. Pull over, Stan. 142 00:08:20,020 --> 00:08:22,418 Are you insane? We're not stopping for their food! 143 00:08:22,418 --> 00:08:24,535 Next, you'll want to use their bathrooms. 144 00:08:24,535 --> 00:08:27,054 I'll be damned if I'm going to use their sandpapery toilet scrolls 145 00:08:27,054 --> 00:08:28,651 on my proud American button! 146 00:08:28,651 --> 00:08:30,569 Come on! We're hungry! Pull over. 147 00:08:30,569 --> 00:08:32,407 God, you women are driving me crazy. 148 00:08:32,407 --> 00:08:34,806 I guess what I want doesn't matter. 149 00:08:34,806 --> 00:08:37,482 If they have Mr. Pibb, get me a medium! 150 00:08:39,959 --> 00:08:42,078 Uh, Director Bullock, Stan Smith. 151 00:08:42,078 --> 00:08:44,316 Calling to apologize about the roast again. 152 00:08:44,316 --> 00:08:47,672 I only said those things because I was dehydrated and exhausted. 153 00:08:47,672 --> 00:08:51,149 It happens. Just google Martin Lawrence, plus "arrested," plus "jogging." 154 00:08:51,149 --> 00:08:54,665 Eh, guess you forgot to unpack me in the car. 155 00:08:54,665 --> 00:08:58,422 Good thing I remembered to drop a deuce in your nylons, huh? 156 00:08:58,422 --> 00:09:00,180 I need a drink. Where's the booze? 157 00:09:00,180 --> 00:09:02,897 There is no booze. Saudi Arabia is a dry country. 158 00:09:04,376 --> 00:09:06,094 Seriously, where's the booze? 159 00:09:06,094 --> 00:09:08,212 Francine, I have to report to my new assignment. 160 00:09:08,212 --> 00:09:10,649 Now, I've installed extra locks on the doors and windows. 161 00:09:10,649 --> 00:09:13,127 -So you won't get beheaded while I'm out. -Stan-- 162 00:09:13,127 --> 00:09:15,965 Way ahead of you. I'll find us a satellite so we can watch Lost when I get home. 163 00:09:15,965 --> 00:09:19,001 Just because we're stuck in this wasteland doesn't mean it's not Wednesday! 164 00:09:19,001 --> 00:09:21,119 There's no alcohol in the kitchen either. 165 00:09:21,119 --> 00:09:23,037 I'll look in the closets. You check the pantry. 166 00:09:23,037 --> 00:09:25,515 Stan, I'm not staying inside all day. 167 00:09:25,515 --> 00:09:29,270 I'm taking the kids to meet our neighbors. When you get home, we'll all go see the palace. 168 00:09:29,270 --> 00:09:31,708 Fine. We'll do it your way... again. 169 00:09:31,708 --> 00:09:33,706 Oh, my God! I am freaking out! 170 00:09:33,706 --> 00:09:36,304 I am totally freaking out! 171 00:09:38,222 --> 00:09:41,179 Yes. Mr. Smith, the C.I.A. told us you'd be coming. 172 00:09:41,179 --> 00:09:44,296 Your assignment is to protect this oil pipeline. 173 00:09:44,296 --> 00:09:46,734 Here are the guards you will be supervising. 174 00:09:46,734 --> 00:09:50,290 This is Ali, Khalid and Fazziz. 175 00:09:50,290 --> 00:09:53,207 -Are you okay? -I'm fine! And quick! Like a cat! 176 00:09:53,207 --> 00:09:55,884 A cat that could kill you. 177 00:10:05,514 --> 00:10:07,352 Hello, neighbor. 178 00:10:07,352 --> 00:10:10,509 Hayley, you should meet my eldest son, Mamood. 179 00:10:10,509 --> 00:10:14,106 -He's educated, well-traveled. -He sounds great. 180 00:10:14,106 --> 00:10:16,344 And this is my son, Rashad. 181 00:10:16,344 --> 00:10:18,901 Honey, maybe you and Rashad would like to go play. 182 00:10:18,901 --> 00:10:21,898 Mom, he's, like, eight years old. I'm not a little kid anymore! 183 00:10:21,898 --> 00:10:24,815 My childhood died on July 18, 2003, 184 00:10:24,815 --> 00:10:28,092 the day Kobe Bean Bryant was charged with sexual assault. 185 00:10:28,092 --> 00:10:31,129 Steve-- -Why was he even in Colorado in the first place? 186 00:10:31,129 --> 00:10:33,246 Black man don't go to Colorado. 187 00:10:33,246 --> 00:10:35,765 -Do you want to play guns? -Guns? 188 00:10:35,765 --> 00:10:39,041 Look, Beave, I stopped playing guns when I-- Holy crap! 189 00:10:39,041 --> 00:10:40,879 Where'd you get all this stuff? 190 00:10:40,879 --> 00:10:43,117 In the bazaar. You can find anything there. 191 00:10:43,117 --> 00:10:45,994 Can I get bootleg DVDs, like the new Michael Moore documentary? 192 00:10:45,994 --> 00:10:49,071 Sure. They have everything. Want to play rebuild Iraq? 193 00:10:49,071 --> 00:10:51,788 -I'm Halliburton! -I called it! I'm Halliburton! 194 00:10:53,586 --> 00:10:56,664 My husband cannot remember to put the toilet seat down! 195 00:10:56,664 --> 00:11:00,700 -Better than leaving toenail clippings in the sink! -My Stan is just as bad. 196 00:11:00,700 --> 00:11:04,215 I guess no matter where you go in the world, marriage is always the same. 197 00:11:05,455 --> 00:11:07,732 Oh, look! Husband is home! 198 00:11:07,732 --> 00:11:09,331 -How was your day? -Would you like a snack? 199 00:11:09,331 --> 00:11:11,169 Let me draw you a bath. 200 00:11:11,169 --> 00:11:13,886 Oh. Huh. 201 00:11:18,282 --> 00:11:20,600 Sweet shot! 202 00:11:21,638 --> 00:11:24,316 -Land mine! Ten points! -Wow. 203 00:11:24,316 --> 00:11:28,232 That looks like a game we play back in America called golf. 204 00:11:29,471 --> 00:11:31,588 Tell us about America, Stan. 205 00:11:31,588 --> 00:11:34,146 Have you ever floated to heaven on angel wings? 206 00:11:34,146 --> 00:11:36,823 Tasted a cinnamon bun fresh from the oven? 207 00:11:36,823 --> 00:11:40,180 Licked hot chocolate from Santa's beard? That's what America's like. 208 00:11:40,180 --> 00:11:42,258 Not like here, with the sand and the heat. 209 00:11:42,258 --> 00:11:44,816 Good Lord! How do you stand the sand and the heat? 210 00:11:44,816 --> 00:11:48,452 That is why we wear robes. It keeps us cool in hot temperatures. 211 00:11:48,452 --> 00:11:51,369 Really? I thought it was because your God doesn't believe in pants! 212 00:11:52,607 --> 00:11:55,684 Stan, what a funny guy! 213 00:11:55,684 --> 00:11:58,082 Thanks. You know, I once stood in for Leno. 214 00:11:58,082 --> 00:12:01,558 I don't understand. If you love America so much, why are you here? 215 00:12:01,558 --> 00:12:05,035 It's a long story. I asked my wife to help me plan this party for my boss, 216 00:12:05,035 --> 00:12:07,153 -and she said no, so-- -What do you mean? 217 00:12:07,153 --> 00:12:09,950 You asked her, and she said no? You mean, you told her, and she obeyed. 218 00:12:09,950 --> 00:12:12,707 Uh, no. See, she had this play, and, uh-- 219 00:12:12,707 --> 00:12:16,224 Stan, the rules are different here for more than just golf. 220 00:12:16,224 --> 00:12:17,902 Allow me to explain. 221 00:12:20,260 --> 00:12:23,217 ♪ Here in Saudi Arabia ♪ 222 00:12:23,217 --> 00:12:25,374 No singing! 223 00:12:25,374 --> 00:12:27,652 Cheese and rice! Who are those guys? 224 00:12:27,652 --> 00:12:29,890 They are the police of vice and virtue. 225 00:12:29,890 --> 00:12:33,126 They make sure everyone follows our country's strict moral code. 226 00:12:33,126 --> 00:12:35,844 Public singing is illegal in Saudi Arabia. 227 00:12:35,844 --> 00:12:40,120 This was his third offense. Too bad. He had a lovely voice. 228 00:12:40,120 --> 00:12:43,836 Wow! It's like the Footloose town times a million! 229 00:12:43,836 --> 00:12:48,152 You think that's something? Wait till you hear the rules about women. 230 00:12:51,749 --> 00:12:55,504 Does this furniture polish have alcohol in it? 231 00:12:55,504 --> 00:12:58,102 Mmm. Tastes like I might die. 232 00:12:58,102 --> 00:13:01,539 -Hello, assorted family members. -Wow! Someone's in a better mood. 233 00:13:01,539 --> 00:13:05,694 I sure am! I was thinking about how you said we should immerse ourselves in the culture. 234 00:13:05,694 --> 00:13:07,692 -Well, I couldn't agree more. -Great. 235 00:13:07,692 --> 00:13:09,930 Let's talk in the car. I wanna see the palace before sunset. 236 00:13:09,930 --> 00:13:11,688 Baby, slow your roll. 237 00:13:11,688 --> 00:13:13,846 I learned something interesting today. Did you know-- 238 00:13:13,846 --> 00:13:15,965 Hayley, come here. You'll appreciate this too. 239 00:13:15,965 --> 00:13:19,320 Do you know women can't leave the home unless accompanied by a man? 240 00:13:19,320 --> 00:13:22,197 What are you talking about? We all left the house earlier. 241 00:13:22,197 --> 00:13:25,594 Right. And Steve was with you. In this culture, he's considered a man. 242 00:13:25,594 --> 00:13:28,032 -I am? -You sure are! 243 00:13:28,032 --> 00:13:31,189 Also, there's no cursing, dancing, singing, no bars, no movie theaters. 244 00:13:31,189 --> 00:13:33,826 Oh, and women can't drive or ride bicycles. 245 00:13:33,826 --> 00:13:37,942 And here's the best rule. The man has final say on everything. 246 00:13:37,942 --> 00:13:41,139 So, no, Francine. We're not going to see the palace. 247 00:13:41,139 --> 00:13:43,975 We're going to do whatever I want, and there's nothing you can do about it. 248 00:13:43,975 --> 00:13:48,332 This is ridiculous! If you don't want to go out, I'll go by myself. 249 00:13:48,332 --> 00:13:50,010 Francine, I forbid it! 250 00:13:50,010 --> 00:13:52,687 Yeah? Well, too bad. 251 00:13:54,405 --> 00:13:56,483 This belong to you? 252 00:13:56,483 --> 00:13:58,641 Thanks. Just, uh-- Just put her anywhere. 253 00:14:04,915 --> 00:14:08,910 -Morning, honey. -Stan, I've had it. I wanna go home! 254 00:14:08,910 --> 00:14:12,028 -Has Bullock called back yet? -Oh, not yet. I'll keep trying. 255 00:14:12,028 --> 00:14:14,625 Oh, I invited the fellas over for a feast after work, 256 00:14:14,625 --> 00:14:16,543 so I figured you could whip something up. 257 00:14:16,543 --> 00:14:18,541 Or as they say in this country-- 258 00:14:18,541 --> 00:14:21,339 Forget it! You may keep me locked up in this house, 259 00:14:21,339 --> 00:14:23,416 but I control what I do in it. 260 00:14:23,416 --> 00:14:26,973 Or as they say in my country-- 261 00:14:26,973 --> 00:14:29,930 Fine, I'll cook it myself! 262 00:14:29,930 --> 00:14:33,006 Now, how do I do this without getting hair everywhere? 263 00:14:33,006 --> 00:14:36,524 Steve, come on! I'm supposed to meet the neighbor's son in 20 minutes. 264 00:14:36,524 --> 00:14:39,840 You know the rule. Say it, and I'll escort you to the bazaar. 265 00:14:39,840 --> 00:14:43,636 You're the manliest man in the history of manly men. 266 00:14:43,636 --> 00:14:46,753 -And? -And when you're in your late 30s, you may have a chance 267 00:14:46,753 --> 00:14:50,309 at convincing a long-time female friend to have awkward pity sex with you once. 268 00:14:50,309 --> 00:14:52,507 Oh, yeah. 269 00:14:53,747 --> 00:14:55,465 Thanks for bringing me with. 270 00:14:55,465 --> 00:14:57,623 There's booze here somewhere. I just know it. 271 00:14:57,623 --> 00:14:59,660 -Oh, dead cow. -Oh, there he is! 272 00:14:59,660 --> 00:15:02,138 -Mamood? -Hayley. 273 00:15:02,138 --> 00:15:04,895 You are even more beautiful than I imagined. 274 00:15:07,773 --> 00:15:10,889 -Who are you? -I am Mrs. Smith. 275 00:15:10,889 --> 00:15:13,606 Uh, no. I'm Mrs. Smith. 276 00:15:13,606 --> 00:15:16,203 Ladies, ladies, you're both Mrs. Smith. 277 00:15:16,203 --> 00:15:19,960 -Stan, what on earth? -Surprise! I got us a second wife! 278 00:15:19,960 --> 00:15:21,917 You know, to help with cooking and cleaning. 279 00:15:21,917 --> 00:15:25,115 Her name's impossible to pronounce, so I just call her Thundercat. 280 00:15:25,115 --> 00:15:28,032 What? You got a second wife? 281 00:15:28,032 --> 00:15:31,189 I love husband. I will serve him in this life and next. 282 00:15:31,189 --> 00:15:33,906 Look, Francine, it's just the way things are done here. 283 00:15:33,906 --> 00:15:36,583 Think of her as a full-time housekeeper we don't have to pay 284 00:15:36,583 --> 00:15:39,381 or give our out-of-style clothing to. 285 00:15:41,818 --> 00:15:44,216 Oh, I love Burger King! Don't you? 286 00:15:44,216 --> 00:15:46,494 Actually, I was thinking more falafel. 287 00:15:46,494 --> 00:15:48,851 It makes me feel close to America, 288 00:15:48,851 --> 00:15:51,249 the greatest culture in the world! 289 00:15:51,249 --> 00:15:53,967 I spent a semester at A.S.U. in 1995! 290 00:15:53,967 --> 00:15:57,562 They ranked us the number two party school behind Chico State. 291 00:15:57,562 --> 00:15:59,961 But we partied so much harder! 292 00:15:59,961 --> 00:16:02,678 Hey, is Hootie still en fuego? 293 00:16:02,678 --> 00:16:04,596 Whatever happened with Ross and Rachel? 294 00:16:04,596 --> 00:16:08,272 That Jennifer Aniston! "Schwing!" Yes? 295 00:16:08,272 --> 00:16:10,270 I have to go to the bathroom. 296 00:16:10,270 --> 00:16:12,787 Ooh, Hayley, going to the bathroom. 297 00:16:12,787 --> 00:16:15,345 The Haylenator sitting on the toilet. 298 00:16:16,823 --> 00:16:18,701 You, woman! Where is your man? 299 00:16:18,701 --> 00:16:22,497 Oh, uh, he's-- 300 00:16:22,497 --> 00:16:25,695 Gin is close. My "Tanqueraydar" is going crazy. 301 00:16:25,695 --> 00:16:29,251 Not to mention my "Petronar." Get it? Like sonar. 302 00:16:29,251 --> 00:16:31,648 Steve, this is me sober! 303 00:16:32,847 --> 00:16:34,725 Awesome! 304 00:16:36,204 --> 00:16:38,801 Oh, no. Forty-five foreign money. 305 00:16:38,801 --> 00:16:42,797 That's really expensive... or a great deal. I should've ordered Mom to gimme some cash. 306 00:16:42,797 --> 00:16:45,954 Come on, Steve. Baby needs his bottle. Come on, come on, come on. 307 00:16:45,954 --> 00:16:47,872 Shut up! God, you're annoying. 308 00:16:47,872 --> 00:16:50,829 -How much for the woman? -Woman? 309 00:16:50,829 --> 00:16:53,547 Oh, no. That's just Rog-- Sold! 310 00:16:55,305 --> 00:16:56,743 I don't know where you're taking me, 311 00:16:56,743 --> 00:16:58,781 but God help you if there's no schnapps. 312 00:16:58,781 --> 00:17:02,377 Whoa! What do I buy first? 313 00:17:02,377 --> 00:17:05,574 ♪ Shareef don't like it ♪ 314 00:17:05,574 --> 00:17:09,330 ♪ Rock the casbah Rock the casbah ♪ 315 00:17:09,330 --> 00:17:12,328 I am a man! 316 00:17:12,328 --> 00:17:16,484 Your adorable goat was delicious. I couldn't eat another bite. 317 00:17:16,484 --> 00:17:19,760 -It's all courtesy of Thundercat. -Pretty good. 318 00:17:19,760 --> 00:17:21,159 Yum-a-dum-dum. 319 00:17:21,159 --> 00:17:22,957 It is privilege to serve you all. 320 00:17:22,957 --> 00:17:24,595 I hope you saved room for-- 321 00:17:30,111 --> 00:17:32,068 with caramel sauce. 322 00:17:32,068 --> 00:17:35,465 For you, as thanks for inviting us into your lovely home. 323 00:17:35,465 --> 00:17:37,582 You knuckleheads. What'd you do? 324 00:17:37,582 --> 00:17:40,260 Fazziz, was this you? Wow. 325 00:17:40,260 --> 00:17:42,737 A man dress. It's beautiful! 326 00:17:42,737 --> 00:17:47,213 In case your God decides to ban pants, huh? 327 00:17:48,571 --> 00:17:51,209 -Back off, Thundercat. -Sorry? 328 00:17:51,209 --> 00:17:55,005 Don't play innocent with me. Stan's just gone a little native, that's all. 329 00:17:55,005 --> 00:17:58,722 But he's still my husband, and only my husband. 330 00:17:58,722 --> 00:18:01,918 I love husband. I will serve him in this life and next 331 00:18:01,918 --> 00:18:03,956 as number one wife. 332 00:18:03,956 --> 00:18:07,393 You can forget it! As soon as Stan talks to his boss, 333 00:18:07,393 --> 00:18:10,190 we're going back to America without you! 334 00:18:10,190 --> 00:18:14,386 See that? That's a wedding ring. I'm Stan's only real wife. 335 00:18:14,386 --> 00:18:18,381 -Husband give me ring too. And it has inscription. -Where? 336 00:18:20,299 --> 00:18:23,097 You wanna dance, bitch? Let's dance. 337 00:18:27,892 --> 00:18:29,451 Ooh, catfight! 338 00:18:29,451 --> 00:18:33,127 Take her top off! Rip it right off! Kiss her! 339 00:18:48,712 --> 00:18:50,868 -Great. -It's fantastic! 340 00:18:50,868 --> 00:18:53,107 The color really brings out your eyes. 341 00:18:53,107 --> 00:18:55,345 As-salaam alaikum. 342 00:18:55,345 --> 00:18:57,622 Director Bullock, I'm surprised to hear from you. 343 00:18:57,622 --> 00:19:01,578 Yes. Well, my sources tell me I may have overreacted to your speech. 344 00:19:01,578 --> 00:19:05,654 Your assertion was correct. I like big Asian butts, and I cannot lie. 345 00:19:05,654 --> 00:19:08,172 Therefore, I've decided to give you your old job back. 346 00:19:10,049 --> 00:19:12,647 I don't know, sir. I... kind of like it here. 347 00:19:12,647 --> 00:19:15,644 Like it? Are you mad? What about your family? 348 00:19:15,644 --> 00:19:18,242 They can't possibly be enjoying it out there! 349 00:19:18,242 --> 00:19:20,559 My family? 350 00:19:20,559 --> 00:19:23,956 I'm about to lose my... coverage. 351 00:19:23,956 --> 00:19:26,793 Aah! 352 00:19:32,667 --> 00:19:36,024 Help! Where are you taking me? 353 00:19:36,024 --> 00:19:39,620 -I appreciate your culture! -Silence, whore! 354 00:19:42,258 --> 00:19:44,775 My family loves it here. 355 00:19:44,775 --> 00:19:46,853 Think carefully about what you're doing, Smith. 356 00:19:46,853 --> 00:19:49,290 If you turn me down now, you're finished! 357 00:19:49,290 --> 00:19:51,649 You can never come back to the C.I.A.! 358 00:19:54,406 --> 00:19:58,561 Fine! I don't want to come back to the C.I.A. Or the U.S.A.! 359 00:20:00,199 --> 00:20:03,756 I officially renounce our American citizenship. 360 00:20:03,756 --> 00:20:07,992 The Smiths are staying in Saudi Arabia forever! 361 00:20:11,588 --> 00:20:13,587 This is my country now. 362 00:20:13,587 --> 00:20:18,462 I am... Stan of Arabia! 363 00:21:00,860 --> 00:21:02,697 Bye! Have a great time!