♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
-Where's Smith? -He was supposed to meet us here.
Hey! Gimme a chance to emerge!
-Oh, look. You stained the sleeve! -I'm sorry.
Oh! Sorry's useful. Sorry's not a Shout Wipe, is it?
Men, this is the most difficult mission we've ever faced.
The target? Our boss, Deputy Director Bullock.
We've got to plan a surprise party
honoring his 25 years at the C.I.A.!
Oh, Ernest and Julio Gallo,
you make a glorious wine and a handsome couple.
Francine! Roger, have you seen Francine?
Not since she came back from the store with this.
Look at its magnificent size!
I'm completely off my ass, and I'm barely down to the label!
Come on, Hayley! You're goin' to the movies with Jeff anyway.
-Just gimme a ride! -You know the rule.
You're the most environmentally conscious,
self-actualized feminist in the world.
-And? -And... I'm a douche bag.
Bye, Dad. We're goin' to see the new Michael Moore documentary.
Michael Moore? Oh, you mean Michael bin Laden!
America is the greatest country in the world!
Nay, the universe! If that whiny troublemaker doesn't like it,
he can pack up his admittedly pithy baseball caps and take a slow Prius to Canada!
Hayley, I forbid you to see that movie!
Damn! She took my gold card.
And my lucky condom from 10th grade!
Hi, everyone. Sorry I'm late.
There's my clever little shopper.
Oh, this four-liter jug-- screamin'!
Francine, good news. I'm in charge of planning Bullock's party,
which means you're in charge of planning Bullock's party.
-It's on Saturday night. -You planned a party for Saturday?
-That's opening night of my play! -Play? What play?
I'm in the Langley Players production of Beauty and the Beast.
I play the teapot. It's kind of an important role.
The teapot is everything!
Without Mrs. Potts, the Beast would have killed himself years ago!
I'm sorry. This story is rather personal to me.
For who could ever love... a beast?
Francine, this is the first I'm hearing of any play.
No, Stan. It isn't.
I aced the play audition!
Play rehearsals are going well.
We got the playbills today at the playhouse of the play I'm in!
"Mama, there's a girl in the castle."
"Now, Chip, I won't have you makin' up such wild stories."
Uh, I'd hit the you, not the wild. It's better.
-Mmm. Doesn't ring a bell. -Well, too bad. I'm doing the play.
-It's important to me. -And this party is important to me.
-I forbid you to do that play! -You forbid me? Ha!
Hey! I "forbidded" you!
I'm visiting Sarah Swanson,
whose husband would still be alive today
if her H.M.O. had approved a medically vital operation.
Hey, that's Angelina Jolie!
I thought this was a documentary.
Even though I was a journalist,
I knew I had to comfort her.
I don't believe it! Michael Moore has sold out?
-Jeff, that's a corn dog! We're vegetarian! -Still?
God! Is there no integrity left in America?
Come on, Steve. We're leaving.
Two more buttons! Two more buttons!
-Usher! There's a little kid, alone, in an R-rated movie! -Aah!
Oh, no. I'm about to lose my... coverage.
No!
Francine, hurry up! We'll be late for my boss's party!
What the--
Shut the trunk. I'm sneaking into the drive-in.
Francine, you've gotten so fat!
Stan! This is my costume for the play!
-Our performance is tonight. -Play? What play?
This is the first I'm hearing of any play. Go get ready for the party.
Look, Stan. I don't have to do whatever you say.
Marriage is an equal partnership!
-One of these days, Francine! -One of these days!
Right in the kisser!
Hey, Agent Smith. Jay Leno. Your boss ready to be roasted?
Oh, I guess so. I was hoping my wife would show up before you went on.
Ooh! Wife not here to support you? Guess we know who wears the pants in your fam--
Oh, oh, I'm sorry, Jay. I'm sorry. Wake up. Wake up, funny man.
Wake up. Wake up, damn you!
Oh, oh, I'm sorry, Jay. I'm sorry.
Uh, ladies and gentlemen, Jay Leno has come down with a broken neck,
so I'll be doing the roast.
Luckily, I have his hilarious jokes.
Mmm. Mmm. Mmm, mmm, mmm.
Okay, moving on. Uh, funny insult comedy--
Uh, so you know how Bullock prides himself on knowing everything?
Well, he didn't know his mother had cancer until it was too late to operate.
Ah, what else? Oh, we all know Bullock's wife is a hostage in Fallujah, right?
Well, that hasn't stopped him with the ladies. Especially the big 'uns.
Oh, yeah! He's an Asian chubby chaser.
Oh, him so horny!
So horny!
Damn it! If Francine had been here,
she could have started a wave of laughter.
Laughter is infectious, like smallpox or gay.
She wants to be equal partners? Well, I say, "No way!"
♪ I don't want a partner I want a wife ♪
♪ Someone who's happy taking care of my life ♪
♪ Where's my Edith Bunker ♪
♪ Laura Petrie Wilma Flintstone ♪
I would never let Archie go to a party alone.
♪ I want to go back to a simpler time ♪
♪ When men were men and women had no say ♪
♪ Content to love honor and obey ♪
♪ I want to be greeted with a massage and a martini ♪
♪ The way master was by his Jeannie ♪
♪ I don't buy this independence and doing your own thing ♪
♪ I want a woman to make me feel like a king ♪
♪ This ship is sinking and I'm swimming for my life ♪
♪ I don't want a partner ♪ Damn it!
♪ I want a wife ♪
Oh, did I just sing my way in here?
Yes. Please, just take what you want and leave!
-Are we gonna die, Mommy? -Yes, Brandy.
-I'm not going to fire you, Smith. -Oh, really?
No. I'm going to promote you.
It will require you and your family to relocate.
Relocate?
Wait a minute! This isn't a promotion!
All right, everyone stay calm.
We may be in Saudi Arabia, but that doesn't mean we have to panic or blame your mother.
Just stay close, so we don't leave ourselves open to an ambush.
Dad, that is so ignorant.
Hey, these people are extremists.
That's not ignorance. That's fact.
Quick! Cover your mouths! That's how they enter your body to lay their eggs.
Bullock can't hold a grudge forever.
I'll call him every hour until he gives me my old job back.
I think this is an opportunity to really breathe in a culture that's so different from--
Roll 'em up.
-How come all the women are dressed like ninjas? -They're wearing abayas.
Saudi women aren't objectified like women in Western cultures.
The beauty myth doesn't exist here.
It doesn't exist in Idaho either. Why couldn't we go there?
Talk about a bunch of dogs.
Oh, good, a Shwarma King. I'm starving. Pull over, Stan.
Are you insane? We're not stopping for their food!
Next, you'll want to use their bathrooms.
I'll be damned if I'm going to use their sandpapery toilet scrolls
on my proud American button!
Come on! We're hungry! Pull over.
God, you women are driving me crazy.
I guess what I want doesn't matter.
If they have Mr. Pibb, get me a medium!
Uh, Director Bullock, Stan Smith.
Calling to apologize about the roast again.
I only said those things because I was dehydrated and exhausted.
It happens. Just google Martin Lawrence, plus "arrested," plus "jogging."
Eh, guess you forgot to unpack me in the car.
Good thing I remembered to drop a deuce in your nylons, huh?
I need a drink. Where's the booze?
There is no booze. Saudi Arabia is a dry country.
Seriously, where's the booze?
Francine, I have to report to my new assignment.
Now, I've installed extra locks on the doors and windows.
-So you won't get beheaded while I'm out. -Stan--
Way ahead of you. I'll find us a satellite so we can watch Lost when I get home.
Just because we're stuck in this wasteland doesn't mean it's not Wednesday!
There's no alcohol in the kitchen either.
I'll look in the closets. You check the pantry.
Stan, I'm not staying inside all day.
I'm taking the kids to meet our neighbors. When you get home, we'll all go see the palace.
Fine. We'll do it your way... again.
Oh, my God! I am freaking out!
I am totally freaking out!
Yes. Mr. Smith, the C.I.A. told us you'd be coming.
Your assignment is to protect this oil pipeline.
Here are the guards you will be supervising.
This is Ali, Khalid and Fazziz.
-Are you okay? -I'm fine! And quick! Like a cat!
A cat that could kill you.
Hello, neighbor.
Hayley, you should meet my eldest son, Mamood.
-He's educated, well-traveled. -He sounds great.
And this is my son, Rashad.
Honey, maybe you and Rashad would like to go play.
Mom, he's, like, eight years old. I'm not a little kid anymore!
My childhood died on July 18, 2003,
the day Kobe Bean Bryant was charged with sexual assault.
Steve-- -Why was he even in Colorado in the first place?
Black man don't go to Colorado.
-Do you want to play guns? -Guns?
Look, Beave, I stopped playing guns when I-- Holy crap!
Where'd you get all this stuff?
In the bazaar. You can find anything there.
Can I get bootleg DVDs, like the new Michael Moore documentary?
Sure. They have everything. Want to play rebuild Iraq?
-I'm Halliburton! -I called it! I'm Halliburton!
My husband cannot remember to put the toilet seat down!
-Better than leaving toenail clippings in the sink! -My Stan is just as bad.
I guess no matter where you go in the world, marriage is always the same.
Oh, look! Husband is home!
-How was your day? -Would you like a snack?
Let me draw you a bath.
Oh. Huh.
Sweet shot!
-Land mine! Ten points! -Wow.
That looks like a game we play back in America called golf.
Tell us about America, Stan.
Have you ever floated to heaven on angel wings?
Tasted a cinnamon bun fresh from the oven?
Licked hot chocolate from Santa's beard? That's what America's like.
Not like here, with the sand and the heat.
Good Lord! How do you stand the sand and the heat?
That is why we wear robes. It keeps us cool in hot temperatures.
Really? I thought it was because your God doesn't believe in pants!
Stan, what a funny guy!
Thanks. You know, I once stood in for Leno.
I don't understand. If you love America so much, why are you here?
It's a long story. I asked my wife to help me plan this party for my boss,
-and she said no, so-- -What do you mean?
You asked her, and she said no? You mean, you told her, and she obeyed.
Uh, no. See, she had this play, and, uh--
Stan, the rules are different here for more than just golf.
Allow me to explain.
♪ Here in Saudi Arabia ♪
No singing!
Cheese and rice! Who are those guys?
They are the police of vice and virtue.
They make sure everyone follows our country's strict moral code.
Public singing is illegal in Saudi Arabia.
This was his third offense. Too bad. He had a lovely voice.
Wow! It's like the Footloose town times a million!
You think that's something? Wait till you hear the rules about women.
Does this furniture polish have alcohol in it?
Mmm. Tastes like I might die.
-Hello, assorted family members. -Wow! Someone's in a better mood.
I sure am! I was thinking about how you said we should immerse ourselves in the culture.
-Well, I couldn't agree more. -Great.
Let's talk in the car. I wanna see the palace before sunset.
Baby, slow your roll.
I learned something interesting today. Did you know--
Hayley, come here. You'll appreciate this too.
Do you know women can't leave the home unless accompanied by a man?
What are you talking about? We all left the house earlier.
Right. And Steve was with you. In this culture, he's considered a man.
-I am? -You sure are!
Also, there's no cursing, dancing, singing, no bars, no movie theaters.
Oh, and women can't drive or ride bicycles.
And here's the best rule. The man has final say on everything.
So, no, Francine. We're not going to see the palace.
We're going to do whatever I want, and there's nothing you can do about it.
This is ridiculous! If you don't want to go out, I'll go by myself.
Francine, I forbid it!
Yeah? Well, too bad.
This belong to you?
Thanks. Just, uh-- Just put her anywhere.
-Morning, honey. -Stan, I've had it. I wanna go home!
-Has Bullock called back yet? -Oh, not yet. I'll keep trying.
Oh, I invited the fellas over for a feast after work,
so I figured you could whip something up.
Or as they say in this country--
Forget it! You may keep me locked up in this house,
but I control what I do in it.
Or as they say in my country--
Fine, I'll cook it myself!
Now, how do I do this without getting hair everywhere?
Steve, come on! I'm supposed to meet the neighbor's son in 20 minutes.
You know the rule. Say it, and I'll escort you to the bazaar.
You're the manliest man in the history of manly men.
-And? -And when you're in your late 30s, you may have a chance
at convincing a long-time female friend to have awkward pity sex with you once.
Oh, yeah.
Thanks for bringing me with.
There's booze here somewhere. I just know it.
-Oh, dead cow. -Oh, there he is!
-Mamood? -Hayley.
You are even more beautiful than I imagined.
-Who are you? -I am Mrs. Smith.
Uh, no. I'm Mrs. Smith.
Ladies, ladies, you're both Mrs. Smith.
-Stan, what on earth? -Surprise! I got us a second wife!
You know, to help with cooking and cleaning.
Her name's impossible to pronounce, so I just call her Thundercat.
What? You got a second wife?
I love husband. I will serve him in this life and next.
Look, Francine, it's just the way things are done here.
Think of her as a full-time housekeeper we don't have to pay
or give our out-of-style clothing to.
Oh, I love Burger King! Don't you?
Actually, I was thinking more falafel.
It makes me feel close to America,
the greatest culture in the world!
I spent a semester at A.S.U. in 1995!
They ranked us the number two party school behind Chico State.
But we partied so much harder!
Hey, is Hootie still en fuego?
Whatever happened with Ross and Rachel?
That Jennifer Aniston! "Schwing!" Yes?
I have to go to the bathroom.
Ooh, Hayley, going to the bathroom.
The Haylenator sitting on the toilet.
You, woman! Where is your man?
Oh, uh, he's--
Gin is close. My "Tanqueraydar" is going crazy.
Not to mention my "Petronar." Get it? Like sonar.
Steve, this is me sober!
Awesome!
Oh, no. Forty-five foreign money.
That's really expensive... or a great deal. I should've ordered Mom to gimme some cash.
Come on, Steve. Baby needs his bottle. Come on, come on, come on.
Shut up! God, you're annoying.
-How much for the woman? -Woman?
Oh, no. That's just Rog-- Sold!
I don't know where you're taking me,
but God help you if there's no schnapps.
Whoa! What do I buy first?
♪ Shareef don't like it ♪
♪ Rock the casbah Rock the casbah ♪
I am a man!
Your adorable goat was delicious. I couldn't eat another bite.
-It's all courtesy of Thundercat. -Pretty good.
Yum-a-dum-dum.
It is privilege to serve you all.
I hope you saved room for--
with caramel sauce.
For you, as thanks for inviting us into your lovely home.
You knuckleheads. What'd you do?
Fazziz, was this you? Wow.
A man dress. It's beautiful!
In case your God decides to ban pants, huh?
-Back off, Thundercat. -Sorry?
Don't play innocent with me. Stan's just gone a little native, that's all.
But he's still my husband, and only my husband.
I love husband. I will serve him in this life and next
as number one wife.
You can forget it! As soon as Stan talks to his boss,
we're going back to America without you!
See that? That's a wedding ring. I'm Stan's only real wife.
-Husband give me ring too. And it has inscription. -Where?
You wanna dance, bitch? Let's dance.
Ooh, catfight!
Take her top off! Rip it right off! Kiss her!
-Great. -It's fantastic!
The color really brings out your eyes.
As-salaam alaikum.
Director Bullock, I'm surprised to hear from you.
Yes. Well, my sources tell me I may have overreacted to your speech.
Your assertion was correct. I like big Asian butts, and I cannot lie.
Therefore, I've decided to give you your old job back.
I don't know, sir. I... kind of like it here.
Like it? Are you mad? What about your family?
They can't possibly be enjoying it out there!
My family?
I'm about to lose my... coverage.
Aah!
Help! Where are you taking me?
-I appreciate your culture! -Silence, whore!
My family loves it here.
Think carefully about what you're doing, Smith.
If you turn me down now, you're finished!
You can never come back to the C.I.A.!
Fine! I don't want to come back to the C.I.A. Or the U.S.A.!
I officially renounce our American citizenship.
The Smiths are staying in Saudi Arabia forever!
This is my country now.
I am... Stan of Arabia!
Bye! Have a great time!