1 00:00:03,481 --> 00:00:04,787 [SLURPS] 2 00:00:04,787 --> 00:00:06,963 Guys, I'm sorry my parents 3 00:00:06,963 --> 00:00:10,706 were blasting Steely Dan so loud during our sleepover. 4 00:00:10,706 --> 00:00:13,578 I've asked them a million times to play something current 5 00:00:13,578 --> 00:00:15,667 to cover the sounds of their lovemaking 6 00:00:15,667 --> 00:00:17,452 Like Soulja Boy! 7 00:00:17,452 --> 00:00:19,671 God, they're embarrassing. 8 00:00:19,671 --> 00:00:23,414 It's okay, Barry. Everyone's family can be embarrassing. 9 00:00:23,414 --> 00:00:26,200 My mom still cuts my sandwiches into hearts. 10 00:00:26,200 --> 00:00:30,769 I'm 15! My sandwiches should be shaped like lightning bolts! 11 00:00:30,769 --> 00:00:32,162 Tell me about it. 12 00:00:32,162 --> 00:00:33,859 The other day, I slipped in a puddle of lube 13 00:00:33,859 --> 00:00:36,601 my Uncle Roger spilled prepping for his orgy, 14 00:00:36,601 --> 00:00:39,387 and I slid into my sister's three-foot bong. 15 00:00:39,387 --> 00:00:42,172 Then my parents ran in dueling with these prop swords 16 00:00:42,172 --> 00:00:44,696 from Lord of the Rings my dad bought on eBay. 17 00:00:44,696 --> 00:00:47,525 My mom took a reckless orc-style swing at my dad, 18 00:00:47,525 --> 00:00:49,136 but sliced me instead. 19 00:00:49,136 --> 00:00:52,095 [CHUCKLES] I bled and bled. 20 00:00:52,095 --> 00:00:54,489 Steve, your family sounds 21 00:00:54,489 --> 00:00:57,448 chaotic, unstable, unhealthy. 22 00:00:57,448 --> 00:01:00,538 Hey, Steve. I'm stealin' this to show porno at my orgy. 23 00:01:00,538 --> 00:01:01,844 Keep the homies horny. 24 00:01:01,844 --> 00:01:03,454 That's your uncle, right? 25 00:01:03,454 --> 00:01:06,153 Okay, so my family's a little unconventional. 26 00:01:06,153 --> 00:01:07,371 But when it really matters, 27 00:01:07,371 --> 00:01:09,112 we're always there for each other. 28 00:01:09,112 --> 00:01:10,766 Be careful sharing this stuff. 29 00:01:10,766 --> 00:01:13,247 Someone could report you to social services. 30 00:01:13,247 --> 00:01:16,424 Who'd report me? You guys? My best friends? 31 00:01:16,424 --> 00:01:18,426 Or, you, really cool new kid? 32 00:01:18,426 --> 00:01:21,559 So cool. I know I can trust you. 33 00:01:21,559 --> 00:01:23,996 Cowabunga! 34 00:01:23,996 --> 00:01:26,869 I've been told a disturbing story about your family 35 00:01:26,869 --> 00:01:29,132 from my undercover social services narc. 36 00:01:29,132 --> 00:01:30,916 Cowabunga! 37 00:01:30,916 --> 00:01:33,005 You? A narc? 38 00:01:33,005 --> 00:01:34,877 I'm sorry, but a social worker 39 00:01:34,877 --> 00:01:37,009 will need to make a home visit to the Smith house. 40 00:01:37,009 --> 00:01:38,141 Social worker? 41 00:01:38,141 --> 00:01:40,143 - Home visit? - Smith house? 42 00:01:40,143 --> 00:01:41,884 Cowabunga! 43 00:01:41,884 --> 00:01:43,538 [THEME MUSIC PLAYING] 44 00:01:44,713 --> 00:01:47,629 ♪ Good morning, USA 45 00:01:47,629 --> 00:01:50,936 ♪ I got a feeling That it's gonna be A wonderful day 46 00:01:50,936 --> 00:01:54,070 ♪ The sun in the sky Has a smile on his face 47 00:01:54,070 --> 00:01:57,943 ♪ And he's shining a salute To the American race 48 00:02:00,555 --> 00:02:03,732 ♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say 49 00:02:03,732 --> 00:02:06,169 ♪ Good morning, USA 50 00:02:06,169 --> 00:02:07,257 ROGER: Ah! 51 00:02:09,172 --> 00:02:11,696 CHORUS: ♪ Good morning, USA 52 00:02:14,482 --> 00:02:16,788 A social worker? Could they take Steve 53 00:02:16,788 --> 00:02:19,878 if they see something dangerous like swords lying around? 54 00:02:19,878 --> 00:02:22,838 Swords? Oh, you mean my Uruk-hai scimitars. 55 00:02:22,838 --> 00:02:25,014 These are investments. You wouldn't believe 56 00:02:25,014 --> 00:02:27,364 how much Lord of the Rings fans pay for this stuff. 57 00:02:27,364 --> 00:02:29,061 How much did you pay? 58 00:02:29,061 --> 00:02:30,411 An undisclosed amount. 59 00:02:30,411 --> 00:02:32,108 Here's my biggest investment yet, 60 00:02:32,108 --> 00:02:34,197 an extra-large One Ring 61 00:02:34,197 --> 00:02:36,112 used on set to create forced perspective. 62 00:02:36,112 --> 00:02:37,200 [DINGS] 63 00:02:37,200 --> 00:02:39,115 Don't worry, Hayley. 64 00:02:39,115 --> 00:02:41,465 Remember the last time a social worker came? 65 00:02:41,465 --> 00:02:43,554 When you were breastfeeding Steve at his high school? 66 00:02:43,554 --> 00:02:46,557 We just call social services, get Wendell again, 67 00:02:46,557 --> 00:02:48,516 and bribe his ass. 68 00:02:48,516 --> 00:02:50,039 Wendell was fired? 69 00:02:50,039 --> 00:02:51,910 WOMAN ON PHONE: Yes, for taking bribes. 70 00:02:51,910 --> 00:02:54,174 Yuck! We hate bribes. 71 00:02:54,174 --> 00:02:56,567 Around here, bribes are a big taboo. 72 00:02:56,567 --> 00:02:57,699 [BELCHES] 73 00:02:57,699 --> 00:02:59,657 Hayley! Shh! Sorry about that. 74 00:02:59,657 --> 00:03:01,398 So if you could just send someone else 75 00:03:01,398 --> 00:03:03,183 easygoing, hates rules, 76 00:03:03,183 --> 00:03:04,401 is... Very bribable? 77 00:03:04,401 --> 00:03:05,533 Bribable works. 78 00:03:05,533 --> 00:03:07,491 We'll waive the taboo just this once. 79 00:03:07,491 --> 00:03:09,798 WOMAN: Says here the social worker visiting your home 80 00:03:09,798 --> 00:03:12,235 is Jack Hardass. 81 00:03:12,235 --> 00:03:13,802 Gonna mute ya for a sec. 82 00:03:13,802 --> 00:03:14,933 [BEEPS] 83 00:03:14,933 --> 00:03:17,153 ALL: Jack Hardass?[BEEPS] 84 00:03:17,153 --> 00:03:19,547 We're assuming his name is hilariously ironic 85 00:03:19,547 --> 00:03:22,289 because he's so nice and has a soft, jiggly booty? 86 00:03:22,289 --> 00:03:24,813 Jack Hardass is just like his name. 87 00:03:24,813 --> 00:03:26,641 Mother [BLEEP]! 88 00:03:26,641 --> 00:03:29,078 They're gonna take my precious boy! 89 00:03:29,078 --> 00:03:30,862 [ALL SOBBING] 90 00:03:30,862 --> 00:03:34,126 Heard about the precious boy. Got here as fast as I could. 91 00:03:34,126 --> 00:03:36,520 Stop. No one is taking me. 92 00:03:36,520 --> 00:03:38,435 Like I told Snot when he said our family 93 00:03:38,435 --> 00:03:41,090 was unstable, chaotic, unhealthy... 94 00:03:41,090 --> 00:03:42,439 That piece of shit. 95 00:03:42,439 --> 00:03:44,006 When it really counts, 96 00:03:44,006 --> 00:03:46,269 the Smiths are always there for each other. 97 00:03:46,269 --> 00:03:48,097 Snot is becoming a problem. 98 00:03:48,097 --> 00:03:49,229 One thing at a time. 99 00:03:49,229 --> 00:03:50,752 But just so we remember... 100 00:03:55,670 --> 00:03:59,021 Jack Hardass is coming tomorrow. We'll be ready. 101 00:03:59,021 --> 00:04:01,937 Social Service's Healthy Home Checklist, 102 00:04:01,937 --> 00:04:04,418 a.k.a. Hardass's Bible. 103 00:04:04,418 --> 00:04:07,421 "A home free of dangerous items." 104 00:04:07,421 --> 00:04:09,249 Like these swords, Stan. 105 00:04:09,249 --> 00:04:10,598 I've been talking to Buckle. 106 00:04:10,598 --> 00:04:12,904 He's gonna buy the One Ring off me tonight. 107 00:04:12,904 --> 00:04:14,515 I'll try to sell him the swords, too. 108 00:04:14,515 --> 00:04:17,648 "All content must be age-appropriate." 109 00:04:17,648 --> 00:04:19,128 So no sex stuff. 110 00:04:19,128 --> 00:04:21,261 Don't worry. I'm postponing my orgy 111 00:04:21,261 --> 00:04:23,088 and surrendering my sex drugs. 112 00:04:23,088 --> 00:04:25,395 Goodbye, horny-goat- weed-Viagra mix 113 00:04:25,395 --> 00:04:27,745 that can almost guarantee arousal. 114 00:04:27,745 --> 00:04:30,835 So long, remote for my Wireless Porno Rig. 115 00:04:30,835 --> 00:04:32,315 Careful. I disabled the off-button. 116 00:04:32,315 --> 00:04:35,013 So once it's on, it never stops playing porn. 117 00:04:35,013 --> 00:04:37,581 If you need me, I'll be hiding in the walls. 118 00:04:37,581 --> 00:04:39,148 No personas tomorrow. 119 00:04:39,148 --> 00:04:42,934 Mr. R, you'll be like Bruno from Disney's Encanto? 120 00:04:42,934 --> 00:04:44,980 You're right. What if I made the house 121 00:04:44,980 --> 00:04:47,548 magically come to life like in Encanto? 122 00:04:47,548 --> 00:04:50,333 Floorboards flappin' and clappin' like castanets. 123 00:04:50,333 --> 00:04:51,900 Silent in the walls will be fine. 124 00:04:51,900 --> 00:04:53,945 Now, to make sure we impress Hardass, 125 00:04:53,945 --> 00:04:56,339 I compiled a CIA dossier on him. 126 00:04:56,339 --> 00:04:58,254 Hardass has high-class tastes. 127 00:04:58,254 --> 00:05:01,213 Fancy food, fancy cats, fancy feast. 128 00:05:01,213 --> 00:05:04,434 So we'll serve him the fanciest dish of all time. 129 00:05:04,434 --> 00:05:06,218 Beef Wellington. 130 00:05:06,218 --> 00:05:07,655 Hayley and I can try making 131 00:05:07,655 --> 00:05:10,397 a practice Wellington tonight, Mr. S! 132 00:05:10,397 --> 00:05:12,355 And I'm adopting cats right now. 133 00:05:12,355 --> 00:05:15,227 But classy guys don't like seeing anything weird, 134 00:05:15,227 --> 00:05:16,664 so no talking fish. 135 00:05:16,664 --> 00:05:18,318 Anything for Steve. 136 00:05:18,318 --> 00:05:19,754 Hands in, everybody. 137 00:05:19,754 --> 00:05:21,582 For our precious boy. 138 00:05:21,582 --> 00:05:23,148 ALL: Whoo! 139 00:05:26,064 --> 00:05:28,545 Practice Wellington's looking good. 140 00:05:28,545 --> 00:05:30,373 Great. Now remember, Steve. 141 00:05:30,373 --> 00:05:33,768 All you gotta do is smile, look happy. 142 00:05:33,768 --> 00:05:36,597 Mediocre. Think Al Roker. 143 00:05:36,597 --> 00:05:38,729 Now give me Joker. 144 00:05:38,729 --> 00:05:41,166 That's a happy boy. 145 00:05:41,166 --> 00:05:42,690 I'm not willing to risk wrinkling 146 00:05:42,690 --> 00:05:44,300 any of my slacks before tomorrow. 147 00:05:44,300 --> 00:05:46,694 But what's that circular lump? 148 00:05:46,694 --> 00:05:49,261 My One Ring, stored in the place made specifically 149 00:05:49,261 --> 00:05:51,786 for a man's most valuable possessions, 150 00:05:51,786 --> 00:05:54,092 the little front pocket of his undies. 151 00:05:54,092 --> 00:05:55,311 Where should Jeff and I sit? 152 00:05:55,311 --> 00:05:57,313 Nowhere. You'll be our butlers. 153 00:05:57,313 --> 00:05:59,010 - Okay! - The hell you talkin' about? 154 00:05:59,010 --> 00:06:00,577 We need to project wealth. 155 00:06:00,577 --> 00:06:02,057 Same reason we built the dumbwaiter. 156 00:06:02,057 --> 00:06:03,667 Also because of your burp 157 00:06:03,667 --> 00:06:06,104 during the call with social services. 158 00:06:06,104 --> 00:06:09,543 A.k.a. "Burpgate." It was too crude. 159 00:06:09,543 --> 00:06:12,807 So we hired actors to play our new, classy, 160 00:06:12,807 --> 00:06:15,549 hardbodied Jeff and Hayley! 161 00:06:15,549 --> 00:06:17,855 What? Why are we being singled out? 162 00:06:17,855 --> 00:06:21,424 You're the one who got wild servals instead of normal cats. 163 00:06:21,424 --> 00:06:22,643 [SERVALS GROWLING] 164 00:06:23,600 --> 00:06:26,255 They seemed fancier. 165 00:06:26,255 --> 00:06:29,867 Maybe I'll put out a casting call for big-chinned dopes 166 00:06:29,867 --> 00:06:31,956 and pink-dressed idiots to replace you. 167 00:06:31,956 --> 00:06:33,218 [KNOCKING ON DOOR] 168 00:06:33,218 --> 00:06:34,263 Who could that be? 169 00:06:35,133 --> 00:06:37,484 Hello. I'm Jack Hardass. 170 00:06:38,789 --> 00:06:40,269 ALL: Jack Hardass? 171 00:06:40,269 --> 00:06:41,879 A night early? 172 00:06:41,879 --> 00:06:43,794 Stan, you said you wrote the date 173 00:06:43,794 --> 00:06:45,796 in your most important calendar. 174 00:06:45,796 --> 00:06:47,319 Most valuable calendar. 175 00:06:47,319 --> 00:06:49,321 From the release of Fellowship of the Ring. 176 00:06:49,321 --> 00:06:52,324 That's from when the movie came out in 2001. 177 00:06:52,324 --> 00:06:53,804 The dates are all off. 178 00:06:53,804 --> 00:06:55,066 Uh, what do we do? 179 00:06:55,066 --> 00:06:57,329 We'll just have to impress Hardass tonight. 180 00:06:57,329 --> 00:06:59,593 Do you think he noticed - I wasn't wearing pants? - Yes. 181 00:06:59,593 --> 00:07:00,942 - Oh, yeah. - Hundred percent. 182 00:07:00,942 --> 00:07:03,161 Hmm. Well, then I didn't shave for nothing. 183 00:07:04,380 --> 00:07:06,643 The social worker's here. We're not ready 184 00:07:06,643 --> 00:07:08,210 and it's all your fault, Stan. 185 00:07:08,210 --> 00:07:09,820 Who writes down an important date 186 00:07:09,820 --> 00:07:11,953 in a calendar from 2001? 187 00:07:11,953 --> 00:07:13,998 A lot of people in 2001 did. 188 00:07:13,998 --> 00:07:16,000 [SERVALS GRUNTING] 189 00:07:16,000 --> 00:07:18,002 Steve's a goner because of you two. 190 00:07:18,002 --> 00:07:20,178 You deserve to be the stupid... 191 00:07:20,178 --> 00:07:22,659 Butt-lers![BOTH GASP] 192 00:07:22,659 --> 00:07:24,618 I'mma drop you like a bad Hobbit. 193 00:07:24,618 --> 00:07:25,880 Come on.[KNOCKING ON DOOR] 194 00:07:25,880 --> 00:07:28,448 You said you could do this for me 195 00:07:28,448 --> 00:07:29,884 and I believe in you. 196 00:07:29,884 --> 00:07:32,060 Let's be there for each other, Smiths. 197 00:07:32,060 --> 00:07:34,105 - I'll hide the swords. - I'll hide the servals. 198 00:07:34,105 --> 00:07:35,629 I got the sex drugs. 199 00:07:35,629 --> 00:07:36,891 [FRANTIC MUSIC PLAYING] 200 00:07:42,940 --> 00:07:44,638 [KNOCKING ON DOOR] Butler Hayley, get the door. 201 00:07:44,638 --> 00:07:47,684 A final touch of class, the Roomba. 202 00:07:47,684 --> 00:07:50,382 Remember, Steve, just keep smiling. 203 00:07:52,254 --> 00:07:53,647 [IN DEEP VOICE] You rang? 204 00:07:53,647 --> 00:07:55,126 I knocked. 205 00:07:55,126 --> 00:07:57,085 For ten minutes. 206 00:07:57,085 --> 00:07:58,521 Sorry. I couldn't find my pants. 207 00:07:58,521 --> 00:07:59,914 But you probably didn't even notice. 208 00:07:59,914 --> 00:08:03,439 I noticed. And made a note. 209 00:08:03,439 --> 00:08:05,441 Um, let's meet the family. 210 00:08:05,441 --> 00:08:07,225 My beautiful wife, Francine. 211 00:08:07,225 --> 00:08:09,097 My burp-free daughter, Hayley. 212 00:08:09,097 --> 00:08:11,621 Her husband, Jeff, who is very stupid. 213 00:08:11,621 --> 00:08:13,754 These are our butlers, who should go serve 214 00:08:13,754 --> 00:08:15,495 the practice Wellingtons. 215 00:08:16,626 --> 00:08:17,888 Dinner is almost ready. 216 00:08:17,888 --> 00:08:20,108 We're having beef Wellington, as usual. 217 00:08:20,108 --> 00:08:23,677 Why a practice Wellington? 218 00:08:23,677 --> 00:08:26,984 Because practice Wellington makes perfect Wellington. 219 00:08:26,984 --> 00:08:28,812 This is the famous Steve. 220 00:08:28,812 --> 00:08:32,163 May I take your coat, Mr. Hardass? 221 00:08:32,163 --> 00:08:34,688 ROGER: Go, go, Encanto magic coat hook. 222 00:08:35,602 --> 00:08:36,907 Shh! 223 00:08:36,907 --> 00:08:38,779 [CLATTERING][SERVALS SNARLING] 224 00:08:38,779 --> 00:08:40,128 So we're not bothered 225 00:08:40,128 --> 00:08:41,738 by the hustle and bustle in the kitchen. 226 00:08:41,738 --> 00:08:42,826 Care for a drink? 227 00:08:42,826 --> 00:08:44,915 Iced tea, please. 228 00:08:44,915 --> 00:08:47,527 A wonderful choice, Mr. Hardass. 229 00:08:48,919 --> 00:08:51,052 They ate the practice Wellingtons. 230 00:08:51,052 --> 00:08:52,357 Make new ones. 231 00:08:54,055 --> 00:08:55,622 [SOFTLY] Get the servals out of there now. 232 00:08:55,622 --> 00:08:57,580 [NORMAL VOICE] You, go help with dinner. 233 00:08:57,580 --> 00:08:59,408 Please, Mr. Hardass, take a seat. 234 00:08:59,408 --> 00:09:00,801 Dinner won't be for a while. 235 00:09:00,801 --> 00:09:04,021 You said it was "almost ready." 236 00:09:04,021 --> 00:09:06,894 H-He said it was all moist and ruddy, 237 00:09:06,894 --> 00:09:08,896 which is how he refers to raw meat. 238 00:09:09,505 --> 00:09:10,680 [DOORBELL RINGS] 239 00:09:12,116 --> 00:09:13,161 [STAN GASPS] 240 00:09:13,161 --> 00:09:15,337 Just some roaming degenerates. 241 00:09:15,337 --> 00:09:17,295 Not around my precious boy. 242 00:09:17,295 --> 00:09:19,210 Now, excuse me. I'm gonna get some fresh air. 243 00:09:19,210 --> 00:09:20,690 And my iced tea? 244 00:09:20,690 --> 00:09:23,432 Did I say "fresh air"? I meant "fresh mint." 245 00:09:23,432 --> 00:09:25,695 For your iced tea. 246 00:09:25,695 --> 00:09:27,828 We're here for Hayley Smith's casting call 247 00:09:27,828 --> 00:09:30,004 for big-chinned dopes and pink-dressed idiots. 248 00:09:30,004 --> 00:09:31,745 What? Well, you have to leave. 249 00:09:31,745 --> 00:09:33,355 Not until we get an audition. 250 00:09:33,355 --> 00:09:35,313 We're desperate local actors. 251 00:09:35,313 --> 00:09:36,401 [GULPS] 252 00:09:36,401 --> 00:09:39,535 Steve, do you ever feel unsafe? 253 00:09:40,667 --> 00:09:42,103 Schwing! Oh! 254 00:09:42,103 --> 00:09:44,627 Did your fish just say "schwing"? 255 00:09:44,627 --> 00:09:46,063 Hmm?[SERVALS GROWLING] 256 00:09:46,063 --> 00:09:47,325 Ahhh! 257 00:09:47,325 --> 00:09:49,850 Let's watch some educational TV. 258 00:09:49,850 --> 00:09:52,504 MAN: Ooh, yeah! Ooh, yeah! WOMAN: Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! 259 00:09:52,504 --> 00:09:56,857 I can hear something, but I'm not seeing the picture. 260 00:09:56,857 --> 00:09:58,641 WOMAN: Oh, yeah! 261 00:09:59,599 --> 00:10:01,818 I'll check on that iced tea. 262 00:10:01,818 --> 00:10:03,124 [FUNK MUSIC PLAYING] 263 00:10:03,124 --> 00:10:04,647 It won't turn off. 264 00:10:04,647 --> 00:10:06,344 This'll muffle it. 265 00:10:06,344 --> 00:10:07,868 We made new Wellingtons 266 00:10:07,868 --> 00:10:10,392 with graham crackers, flour, and hamburger meat. 267 00:10:10,392 --> 00:10:11,741 Iced tea's ready. 268 00:10:11,741 --> 00:10:13,961 You almost screwed us hiring those actors, Hayley. 269 00:10:13,961 --> 00:10:15,963 Luckily, I thought of hiding them in the basement. 270 00:10:15,963 --> 00:10:18,095 I hid the servals in the basement. 271 00:10:18,095 --> 00:10:20,054 [SERVALS GROWLING][MAN SCREAMING] 272 00:10:20,054 --> 00:10:21,708 They're only local actors. 273 00:10:21,708 --> 00:10:23,623 If we're all in here, 274 00:10:23,623 --> 00:10:25,450 then who's with Hardass? 275 00:10:25,450 --> 00:10:28,584 ♪ On the good ship Rogupop 276 00:10:28,584 --> 00:10:29,803 ♪ It's a sweet... 277 00:10:29,803 --> 00:10:31,587 Rogu, shoo! 278 00:10:31,587 --> 00:10:33,633 I'm afraid I have no explanation for that. 279 00:10:33,633 --> 00:10:34,851 But I do have your tea. 280 00:10:34,851 --> 00:10:36,853 I'm not seeing the fresh mint. 281 00:10:36,853 --> 00:10:39,203 Ahhh! Mint! The man wants mint. 282 00:10:39,203 --> 00:10:40,335 FRANCINE: On it. 283 00:10:40,335 --> 00:10:43,338 Oh, God! Hardass is gonna take me away. 284 00:10:43,338 --> 00:10:46,036 Mmm, the only thing Hardass is taking away 285 00:10:46,036 --> 00:10:49,431 is the takeaway that we make great Wellington. 286 00:10:49,431 --> 00:10:51,128 Mmm. Now bring it upstairs 287 00:10:51,128 --> 00:10:54,218 so it can come down the dumbwaiter. 288 00:10:54,218 --> 00:10:56,438 Nice save. Where'd you get the mint? 289 00:10:56,438 --> 00:10:58,570 [BREATHLESSLY] From the edge of the woods. 290 00:10:58,570 --> 00:10:59,833 Edge of the woods? 291 00:10:59,833 --> 00:11:01,791 That's not mint. It's poison ivy. 292 00:11:02,662 --> 00:11:04,664 Dinner's ready. 293 00:11:04,664 --> 00:11:07,754 Some water for you, Mr. Ass. 294 00:11:07,754 --> 00:11:09,712 Good news. The servals are upstairs. 295 00:11:09,712 --> 00:11:12,672 Bad news, the actors in the basement are begging for food. 296 00:11:12,672 --> 00:11:14,761 I've heard you have 297 00:11:14,761 --> 00:11:17,633 Lord of the Rings weapons in the house? 298 00:11:17,633 --> 00:11:19,983 Hmm. Doesn't "ring" a bell. 299 00:11:19,983 --> 00:11:21,681 Sounds like a good investment, though. 300 00:11:21,681 --> 00:11:22,812 I'm sorry. 301 00:11:22,812 --> 00:11:24,727 Weapons from Lord of the Rings 302 00:11:24,727 --> 00:11:27,687 are a good investment? 303 00:11:27,687 --> 00:11:29,993 Yeah, people will pay a fortune for movie props. 304 00:11:29,993 --> 00:11:31,386 I know I did... Would. 305 00:11:31,386 --> 00:11:32,953 What Stan means is 306 00:11:32,953 --> 00:11:36,173 Lord of the Rings talk is forbidden here. 307 00:11:36,173 --> 00:11:39,481 Or as the great forest elves of Mirkwood say... 308 00:11:39,481 --> 00:11:41,439 "Avanwa..." [GROANS AND WHIMPERS] 309 00:11:41,439 --> 00:11:43,528 Mr. Smith, are you crying? 310 00:11:43,528 --> 00:11:46,270 I just love my boy so much. 311 00:11:46,270 --> 00:11:47,445 [DOORBELL RINGS] 312 00:11:49,099 --> 00:11:51,362 I'm here to buy the Ring. 313 00:11:51,362 --> 00:11:53,538 Lord of the Rings is forbidden. Go away. 314 00:11:53,538 --> 00:11:56,019 I'm back as if nothing happened. 315 00:11:56,019 --> 00:11:58,543 Stan, I was just insisting 316 00:11:58,543 --> 00:12:01,503 we show Mr. Hardass Steve's college fund. 317 00:12:01,503 --> 00:12:06,290 It's so full, the boys at Schwab say it's a modern marvel. 318 00:12:06,290 --> 00:12:07,378 Gah! 319 00:12:07,378 --> 00:12:10,077 Oh, no! The Roomba's stuck. 320 00:12:10,077 --> 00:12:13,167 He can't see the college fund. I used it to buy the One Ring. 321 00:12:13,167 --> 00:12:15,299 HARDASS: Is everything okay down there? 322 00:12:15,299 --> 00:12:16,997 Just sell the Ring to Buckle 323 00:12:16,997 --> 00:12:19,260 and get that money back in the account so we can show him. 324 00:12:19,260 --> 00:12:20,522 I sent Buckle away. 325 00:12:20,522 --> 00:12:21,784 Unsend him away. 326 00:12:23,525 --> 00:12:26,049 Stupid thing got stuck on a crumb. Heh. 327 00:12:26,049 --> 00:12:28,530 Gotta go call the manufacturer. 328 00:12:28,530 --> 00:12:32,926 Can I ask you about that small gray person? 329 00:12:32,926 --> 00:12:35,276 I'm afraid I have no explanation for that. 330 00:12:35,276 --> 00:12:36,668 Sorry I yelled at you. 331 00:12:36,668 --> 00:12:39,149 I got possessed by greed, much like Smeagol. 332 00:12:39,149 --> 00:12:40,890 The Ring is that legit. 333 00:12:40,890 --> 00:12:42,587 Send in the Wellington. 334 00:12:42,587 --> 00:12:44,328 [WHIRRING] 335 00:12:47,418 --> 00:12:48,811 I need to see you in the kitchen right now. 336 00:12:48,811 --> 00:12:50,857 Mrs. Smith, your glass. 337 00:12:50,857 --> 00:12:52,684 Oh! What are you doing? 338 00:12:52,684 --> 00:12:55,035 Please excuse me. I need to go, uh... 339 00:12:55,035 --> 00:12:58,342 Let's see. Something normal. Something normal. 340 00:12:58,342 --> 00:12:59,822 Spank my lady butler! 341 00:12:59,822 --> 00:13:00,910 KLAUS: Schwing! 342 00:13:00,910 --> 00:13:02,346 There it is again! 343 00:13:03,739 --> 00:13:06,002 We can't serve - the Beef Wellington! - Why not? 344 00:13:06,002 --> 00:13:08,657 Jeff used this instead of flour. 345 00:13:08,657 --> 00:13:11,225 It's chaos out there. What is going on? 346 00:13:11,225 --> 00:13:14,837 The Beef Wellington is filled with Roger's sex drugs. 347 00:13:14,837 --> 00:13:16,839 Oh, my God.[FUNK MUSIC PLAYING] 348 00:13:16,839 --> 00:13:18,667 The Roomba got stuck under it. 349 00:13:18,667 --> 00:13:20,147 Where the hell is Dad? 350 00:13:20,147 --> 00:13:23,715 [GASPS] Mr. S ate so much Sex Wellington! 351 00:13:23,715 --> 00:13:26,675 Since we both bank with Schwab, you can instantly transfer 352 00:13:26,675 --> 00:13:28,416 the $25,000 to my account. 353 00:13:28,416 --> 00:13:31,506 But first I need to see the Ring. 354 00:13:31,506 --> 00:13:33,247 One sec. Let me retrieve it. 355 00:13:33,247 --> 00:13:36,076 [UNZIPS] FRANCINE: Stan! 356 00:13:36,076 --> 00:13:39,427 All the Beef Wellington you ate was dosed with Viagra. 357 00:13:39,427 --> 00:13:42,909 Not ideal, but we should be okay as long as nothing arouses me. 358 00:13:42,909 --> 00:13:45,737 WOMAN: Oh! All over my glasses! 359 00:13:45,737 --> 00:13:47,827 [MOANING] 360 00:13:49,916 --> 00:13:51,395 Ow! Ugh! [SOBBING] 361 00:13:51,395 --> 00:13:53,006 Big boner. So what? 362 00:13:53,006 --> 00:13:55,312 During the engorgement, the One Ring 363 00:13:55,312 --> 00:13:57,793 slid out of its pocket and got stuck 364 00:13:57,793 --> 00:14:00,056 on my Eye of Sauron! 365 00:14:00,056 --> 00:14:02,667 So, uh, how long have you two known each other? 366 00:14:02,667 --> 00:14:04,017 We just met today. 367 00:14:04,017 --> 00:14:05,845 That's a fast marriage. 368 00:14:05,845 --> 00:14:09,109 Oh, my God. [GASPS] This Wellington is orgasmic. 369 00:14:09,109 --> 00:14:10,980 Mmm! Mmm! 370 00:14:10,980 --> 00:14:12,721 [ACTOR HAYLEY GIGGLES] 371 00:14:15,898 --> 00:14:16,986 ALL: Food! 372 00:14:22,122 --> 00:14:26,474 Bad butler! We'll clean you up in the bathroom. 373 00:14:26,474 --> 00:14:29,477 ROGER: A little Encanto will save the day. 374 00:14:29,477 --> 00:14:31,958 Go, go, Encanto magic toilet! 375 00:14:31,958 --> 00:14:34,525 [GRUNTING] 376 00:14:34,525 --> 00:14:35,787 Oh, God! Oh, God! 377 00:14:36,701 --> 00:14:39,139 Mrs. S, the actors in the basement 378 00:14:39,139 --> 00:14:40,923 are horny from the Wellington 379 00:14:40,923 --> 00:14:43,056 and they're climbing up the dumbwaiter to your bedroom! 380 00:14:43,056 --> 00:14:44,100 I'm busy! 381 00:14:45,101 --> 00:14:47,234 The bathroom is just in here. 382 00:14:47,234 --> 00:14:49,236 [ROGER SCREAMING] 383 00:14:49,236 --> 00:14:51,803 I can show you the Ring, but it has to be in private. 384 00:14:52,413 --> 00:14:53,544 [SERVALS GROWL] 385 00:14:53,544 --> 00:14:56,199 Not in there. In here.[SERVALS SNARL] 386 00:14:56,199 --> 00:14:58,462 [BOTH MOANING] 387 00:14:58,462 --> 00:15:00,073 My daughter's having sex in there. 388 00:15:02,858 --> 00:15:04,555 I'm having sex in there. 389 00:15:04,555 --> 00:15:06,296 Screw this, I'm leaving. 390 00:15:06,296 --> 00:15:08,168 Wait, I can show you in here. 391 00:15:08,168 --> 00:15:10,300 Don't worry about the bathroom. 392 00:15:10,300 --> 00:15:12,346 Because I've seen enough. 393 00:15:12,346 --> 00:15:14,522 Please don't take Steve away. 394 00:15:14,522 --> 00:15:15,610 [WOMAN MOANING] 395 00:15:15,610 --> 00:15:17,699 [LAUGHS] Take Steve? 396 00:15:17,699 --> 00:15:21,137 It's not against the law to have a dinner go badly. 397 00:15:21,137 --> 00:15:23,444 What I really care about is the boy. 398 00:15:23,444 --> 00:15:25,620 And he was smiling all night. 399 00:15:27,491 --> 00:15:30,799 What's healthier than smiling all the time no matter what? 400 00:15:30,799 --> 00:15:32,801 Now I must be going. 401 00:15:32,801 --> 00:15:34,759 It's elven tradition to view the Ring 402 00:15:34,759 --> 00:15:36,544 only through this hole I made. 403 00:15:39,590 --> 00:15:40,765 I believe I see 404 00:15:40,765 --> 00:15:43,899 one of Peter Jackson's curly beard hairs. 405 00:15:43,899 --> 00:15:45,640 Not included.[DINGS] 406 00:15:45,640 --> 00:15:47,294 HARDASS: Good night, Mr. Smith. 407 00:15:51,254 --> 00:15:53,126 We did it, everybody. 408 00:15:53,126 --> 00:15:54,866 [FAMILY CHEERING] 409 00:15:54,866 --> 00:15:56,694 Oh, sorry. Forgot my... 410 00:15:56,694 --> 00:15:58,653 [SERVALS SNARL]...coat. 411 00:15:58,653 --> 00:16:01,134 ROGER: Something's wrong with your toilet. 412 00:16:01,134 --> 00:16:05,268 MAN: Ooh, yeah! Ooh, yeah! Oh! 413 00:16:05,877 --> 00:16:07,618 Wild cats. 414 00:16:07,618 --> 00:16:10,795 Pornos. Toilet man. 415 00:16:12,754 --> 00:16:15,409 A high-end... Penis dealer? 416 00:16:15,409 --> 00:16:17,150 It's not what it looks like. 417 00:16:17,150 --> 00:16:20,109 And a talking fish. 418 00:16:20,109 --> 00:16:22,242 I've changed my assessment. 419 00:16:22,242 --> 00:16:24,113 I'm taking the boy. 420 00:16:24,113 --> 00:16:25,506 - No! - Please! 421 00:16:25,506 --> 00:16:27,203 - We can do better! - We'll get rid of the fish! 422 00:16:27,203 --> 00:16:28,900 You know what? I'm ready to go. 423 00:16:28,900 --> 00:16:32,295 All we had to do was get our act together for one night. 424 00:16:32,295 --> 00:16:34,428 You know who does have their act together? 425 00:16:34,428 --> 00:16:36,125 The foster-care system. 426 00:16:36,125 --> 00:16:37,605 Let's go, Hardass. 427 00:16:42,044 --> 00:16:44,307 Great. Now I've lost two things. 428 00:16:47,832 --> 00:16:49,269 [STAN AND FRANCINE SOBBING] 429 00:16:49,269 --> 00:16:52,054 I can't believe Steve is gone! 430 00:16:52,054 --> 00:16:53,316 [KNOCKING ON DOOR] 431 00:16:55,275 --> 00:16:57,233 Hi. I'm Jack Hardass. 432 00:16:57,233 --> 00:16:59,279 [SERVALS YOWL] ALL: Jack Hardass? 433 00:16:59,279 --> 00:17:01,977 This guy had an official lanyard. 434 00:17:01,977 --> 00:17:03,457 He's the real Hardass. 435 00:17:03,457 --> 00:17:05,850 Then who's that guy who took Steve? 436 00:17:05,850 --> 00:17:06,982 A kidnapper. 437 00:17:06,982 --> 00:17:08,679 And a financially savvy one at that. 438 00:17:08,679 --> 00:17:11,160 He wants to exchange the boy for this. 439 00:17:11,160 --> 00:17:14,598 - We have to go save him. - But we can't let real Hardass know 440 00:17:14,598 --> 00:17:16,426 we gave our son to a kidnapper. 441 00:17:16,426 --> 00:17:17,949 I have an idea. 442 00:17:19,038 --> 00:17:21,736 Hello! I'm Stan... Line? 443 00:17:21,736 --> 00:17:23,085 - FRANCINE: Smith. - Smith. 444 00:17:23,085 --> 00:17:24,565 Come in. 445 00:17:25,435 --> 00:17:27,698 [TIRES SQUEAL] 446 00:17:27,698 --> 00:17:29,135 Did someone just steal your car? 447 00:17:29,135 --> 00:17:32,573 As long as they don't steal my precious boy. 448 00:17:32,573 --> 00:17:35,880 I like your attitude, Mr. Smith. 449 00:17:35,880 --> 00:17:38,448 Where are we doing - the exchange? - We're not. 450 00:17:38,448 --> 00:17:41,277 Steve would never want us to sacrifice the One Ring. 451 00:17:41,277 --> 00:17:44,063 So I traced the texts to the kidnapper's hideout. 452 00:17:44,063 --> 00:17:45,716 We'll steal Steve back. 453 00:17:45,716 --> 00:17:47,588 I just don't get who would do this. 454 00:17:47,588 --> 00:17:50,286 Who would want that ring this badly? 455 00:17:50,286 --> 00:17:52,245 [OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING] 456 00:17:58,077 --> 00:18:00,340 STAN: Dear God! It's Elijah Wood. 457 00:18:00,340 --> 00:18:02,168 FRANCINE: There's Sean Astin. 458 00:18:02,168 --> 00:18:03,647 HAYLEY: Dominic Monaghan. 459 00:18:04,735 --> 00:18:07,999 JEFF: Jack Hardass is Billy Boyd. 460 00:18:07,999 --> 00:18:10,132 The Hobbits from Lord of the Rings 461 00:18:10,132 --> 00:18:11,568 kidnapped Steve? 462 00:18:11,568 --> 00:18:14,049 Pernicious Boyd has my precious boy, 463 00:18:14,049 --> 00:18:15,833 and he wants my precious! Oy! 464 00:18:15,833 --> 00:18:17,922 Here's the plan. I sneak in... 465 00:18:17,922 --> 00:18:19,446 Can't I sneak in this time? 466 00:18:19,446 --> 00:18:21,491 You made Hayley and I be the butlers. 467 00:18:21,491 --> 00:18:22,753 We should sneak in. 468 00:18:22,753 --> 00:18:23,972 I sneak in. 469 00:18:23,972 --> 00:18:25,974 - I sneak in. - We sneak in. 470 00:18:25,974 --> 00:18:28,542 [ALL GRUNTING] 471 00:18:29,020 --> 00:18:30,587 Argh! 472 00:18:30,587 --> 00:18:33,547 Oh, no! Steve was right. 473 00:18:33,547 --> 00:18:37,116 Even when we try to come together, it's utter chaos. 474 00:18:37,116 --> 00:18:38,508 But maybe we could 475 00:18:38,508 --> 00:18:41,642 use that chaos to our advantage? 476 00:18:41,642 --> 00:18:43,078 [CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING] 477 00:18:43,078 --> 00:18:45,515 Why didn't you just steal the Ring? 478 00:18:45,515 --> 00:18:47,735 I was so shocked it was on his penis, 479 00:18:47,735 --> 00:18:49,650 I panicked and stole his kid. 480 00:18:49,650 --> 00:18:51,521 This is a bad idea. 481 00:18:51,521 --> 00:18:52,957 You know the rules. 482 00:18:52,957 --> 00:18:56,004 On the set of Fellowship, we swore an oath. 483 00:18:57,919 --> 00:19:01,009 ALL: To always support each other's passion projects 484 00:19:01,009 --> 00:19:02,619 no matter what. 485 00:19:02,619 --> 00:19:05,796 And I need this ring so I can sell it and use the profits 486 00:19:05,796 --> 00:19:09,104 to fund my new tequila brand Casa Smeagol's. 487 00:19:09,104 --> 00:19:10,149 [KNOCKING ON DOOR] 488 00:19:15,154 --> 00:19:18,069 Hey, ol' Petey sent us Beef Wellingtons. 489 00:19:18,069 --> 00:19:19,462 I'm starved. 490 00:19:19,462 --> 00:19:22,770 That family kept slapping food out of my hands. 491 00:19:22,770 --> 00:19:26,121 Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! [GIGGLES] 492 00:19:29,037 --> 00:19:31,866 MAN ON TV: Ooh, yeah! Ooh, yeah! 493 00:19:32,388 --> 00:19:33,824 Oh! Oh! 494 00:19:33,824 --> 00:19:35,826 [ALL GROANING] 495 00:19:35,826 --> 00:19:37,393 Oh, yeah! 496 00:19:37,393 --> 00:19:40,353 We're all getting erections! 497 00:19:40,353 --> 00:19:43,530 Who knew when I got these for stargazing 498 00:19:43,530 --> 00:19:47,403 I'd be gazing at star Billy Boyd's boner? 499 00:19:47,403 --> 00:19:49,753 [ALL GROANING] 500 00:19:49,753 --> 00:19:52,452 ROGER: I'm done joking. Someone help me out of this thing. 501 00:19:52,452 --> 00:19:54,062 [SERVALS SNARLING] 502 00:19:54,062 --> 00:19:56,499 [ALL SCREAMING] 503 00:19:57,108 --> 00:19:58,197 [GASPS] 504 00:20:00,329 --> 00:20:01,504 Steve, you were right. 505 00:20:01,504 --> 00:20:04,246 We're so sorry about how we acted. 506 00:20:04,246 --> 00:20:05,856 STEVE: [MUFFLED] That's okay, guys. 507 00:20:05,856 --> 00:20:07,771 And I'm sorry I emptied your college fund 508 00:20:07,771 --> 00:20:08,990 to buy the One Ring. 509 00:20:08,990 --> 00:20:11,471 You did what?[CELL PHONE RINGING] 510 00:20:11,471 --> 00:20:12,863 He's demanding to see Steve. 511 00:20:12,863 --> 00:20:14,387 He's heading up to his bedroom. 512 00:20:14,387 --> 00:20:16,389 Stall him. Just say something stupid, 513 00:20:16,389 --> 00:20:18,869 like, you've realized family's everything. 514 00:20:18,869 --> 00:20:21,394 I learned to appreciate my family. 515 00:20:21,394 --> 00:20:23,744 Oh, Mr. Smith, that's wonderful. 516 00:20:25,789 --> 00:20:27,138 [TIRES SCREECH] 517 00:20:27,138 --> 00:20:28,705 [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING] 518 00:20:32,970 --> 00:20:34,798 STEVE: Just finishing up my homework 519 00:20:34,798 --> 00:20:36,974 on the history of burlap sacks. 520 00:20:38,149 --> 00:20:41,849 From fish to sticks, they truly held it all. 521 00:20:43,416 --> 00:20:45,026 Precious as advertised. 522 00:20:46,897 --> 00:20:49,291 What a perfect family. Good night. 523 00:20:53,426 --> 00:20:55,515 My precious family. 524 00:20:56,342 --> 00:20:57,995 Bye! Have a great time.