[SLURPS]
Guys, I'm sorry my parents
were blasting Steely Dan so loud during our sleepover.
I've asked them a million times to play something current
to cover the sounds of their lovemaking
Like Soulja Boy!
God, they're embarrassing.
It's okay, Barry. Everyone's family can be embarrassing.
My mom still cuts my sandwiches into hearts.
I'm 15! My sandwiches should be shaped like lightning bolts!
Tell me about it.
The other day, I slipped in a puddle of lube
my Uncle Roger spilled prepping for his orgy,
and I slid into my sister's three-foot bong.
Then my parents ran in dueling with these prop swords
from Lord of the Rings my dad bought on eBay.
My mom took a reckless orc-style swing at my dad,
but sliced me instead.
[CHUCKLES] I bled and bled.
Steve, your family sounds
chaotic, unstable, unhealthy.
Hey, Steve. I'm stealin' this to show porno at my orgy.
Keep the homies horny.
That's your uncle, right?
Okay, so my family's a little unconventional.
But when it really matters,
we're always there for each other.
Be careful sharing this stuff.
Someone could report you to social services.
Who'd report me? You guys? My best friends?
Or, you, really cool new kid?
So cool. I know I can trust you.
Cowabunga!
I've been told a disturbing story about your family
from my undercover social services narc.
Cowabunga!
You? A narc?
I'm sorry, but a social worker
will need to make a home visit to the Smith house.
Social worker?
- Home visit? - Smith house?
Cowabunga!
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
♪ Good morning, USA
♪ I got a feeling That it's gonna be A wonderful day
♪ The sun in the sky Has a smile on his face
♪ And he's shining a salute To the American race
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say
♪ Good morning, USA
ROGER: Ah!
CHORUS: ♪ Good morning, USA
A social worker? Could they take Steve
if they see something dangerous like swords lying around?
Swords? Oh, you mean my Uruk-hai scimitars.
These are investments. You wouldn't believe
how much Lord of the Rings fans pay for this stuff.
How much did you pay?
An undisclosed amount.
Here's my biggest investment yet,
an extra-large One Ring
used on set to create forced perspective.
[DINGS]
Don't worry, Hayley.
Remember the last time a social worker came?
When you were breastfeeding Steve at his high school?
We just call social services, get Wendell again,
and bribe his ass.
Wendell was fired?
WOMAN ON PHONE: Yes, for taking bribes.
Yuck! We hate bribes.
Around here, bribes are a big taboo.
[BELCHES]
Hayley! Shh! Sorry about that.
So if you could just send someone else
easygoing, hates rules,
is... Very bribable?
Bribable works.
We'll waive the taboo just this once.
WOMAN: Says here the social worker visiting your home
is Jack Hardass.
Gonna mute ya for a sec.
[BEEPS]
ALL: Jack Hardass?[BEEPS]
We're assuming his name is hilariously ironic
because he's so nice and has a soft, jiggly booty?
Jack Hardass is just like his name.
Mother [BLEEP]!
They're gonna take my precious boy!
[ALL SOBBING]
Heard about the precious boy. Got here as fast as I could.
Stop. No one is taking me.
Like I told Snot when he said our family
was unstable, chaotic, unhealthy...
That piece of shit.
When it really counts,
the Smiths are always there for each other.
Snot is becoming a problem.
One thing at a time.
But just so we remember...
Jack Hardass is coming tomorrow. We'll be ready.
Social Service's Healthy Home Checklist,
a.k.a. Hardass's Bible.
"A home free of dangerous items."
Like these swords, Stan.
I've been talking to Buckle.
He's gonna buy the One Ring off me tonight.
I'll try to sell him the swords, too.
"All content must be age-appropriate."
So no sex stuff.
Don't worry. I'm postponing my orgy
and surrendering my sex drugs.
Goodbye, horny-goat- weed-Viagra mix
that can almost guarantee arousal.
So long, remote for my Wireless Porno Rig.
Careful. I disabled the off-button.
So once it's on, it never stops playing porn.
If you need me, I'll be hiding in the walls.
No personas tomorrow.
Mr. R, you'll be like Bruno from Disney's Encanto?
You're right. What if I made the house
magically come to life like in Encanto?
Floorboards flappin' and clappin' like castanets.
Silent in the walls will be fine.
Now, to make sure we impress Hardass,
I compiled a CIA dossier on him.
Hardass has high-class tastes.
Fancy food, fancy cats, fancy feast.
So we'll serve him the fanciest dish of all time.
Beef Wellington.
Hayley and I can try making
a practice Wellington tonight, Mr. S!
And I'm adopting cats right now.
But classy guys don't like seeing anything weird,
so no talking fish.
Anything for Steve.
Hands in, everybody.
For our precious boy.
ALL: Whoo!
Practice Wellington's looking good.
Great. Now remember, Steve.
All you gotta do is smile, look happy.
Mediocre. Think Al Roker.
Now give me Joker.
That's a happy boy.
I'm not willing to risk wrinkling
any of my slacks before tomorrow.
But what's that circular lump?
My One Ring, stored in the place made specifically
for a man's most valuable possessions,
the little front pocket of his undies.
Where should Jeff and I sit?
Nowhere. You'll be our butlers.
- Okay! - The hell you talkin' about?
We need to project wealth.
Same reason we built the dumbwaiter.
Also because of your burp
during the call with social services.
A.k.a. "Burpgate." It was too crude.
So we hired actors to play our new, classy,
hardbodied Jeff and Hayley!
What? Why are we being singled out?
You're the one who got wild servals instead of normal cats.
[SERVALS GROWLING]
They seemed fancier.
Maybe I'll put out a casting call for big-chinned dopes
and pink-dressed idiots to replace you.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Who could that be?
Hello. I'm Jack Hardass.
ALL: Jack Hardass?
A night early?
Stan, you said you wrote the date
in your most important calendar.
Most valuable calendar.
From the release of Fellowship of the Ring.
That's from when the movie came out in 2001.
The dates are all off.
Uh, what do we do?
We'll just have to impress Hardass tonight.
Do you think he noticed - I wasn't wearing pants? - Yes.
- Oh, yeah. - Hundred percent.
Hmm. Well, then I didn't shave for nothing.
The social worker's here. We're not ready
and it's all your fault, Stan.
Who writes down an important date
in a calendar from 2001?
A lot of people in 2001 did.
[SERVALS GRUNTING]
Steve's a goner because of you two.
You deserve to be the stupid...
Butt-lers![BOTH GASP]
I'mma drop you like a bad Hobbit.
Come on.[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
You said you could do this for me
and I believe in you.
Let's be there for each other, Smiths.
- I'll hide the swords. - I'll hide the servals.
I got the sex drugs.
[FRANTIC MUSIC PLAYING]
[KNOCKING ON DOOR] Butler Hayley, get the door.
A final touch of class, the Roomba.
Remember, Steve, just keep smiling.
[IN DEEP VOICE] You rang?
I knocked.
For ten minutes.
Sorry. I couldn't find my pants.
But you probably didn't even notice.
I noticed. And made a note.
Um, let's meet the family.
My beautiful wife, Francine.
My burp-free daughter, Hayley.
Her husband, Jeff, who is very stupid.
These are our butlers, who should go serve
the practice Wellingtons.
Dinner is almost ready.
We're having beef Wellington, as usual.
Why a practice Wellington?
Because practice Wellington makes perfect Wellington.
This is the famous Steve.
May I take your coat, Mr. Hardass?
ROGER: Go, go, Encanto magic coat hook.
Shh!
[CLATTERING][SERVALS SNARLING]
So we're not bothered
by the hustle and bustle in the kitchen.
Care for a drink?
Iced tea, please.
A wonderful choice, Mr. Hardass.
They ate the practice Wellingtons.
Make new ones.
[SOFTLY] Get the servals out of there now.
[NORMAL VOICE] You, go help with dinner.
Please, Mr. Hardass, take a seat.
Dinner won't be for a while.
You said it was "almost ready."
H-He said it was all moist and ruddy,
which is how he refers to raw meat.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
[STAN GASPS]
Just some roaming degenerates.
Not around my precious boy.
Now, excuse me. I'm gonna get some fresh air.
And my iced tea?
Did I say "fresh air"? I meant "fresh mint."
For your iced tea.
We're here for Hayley Smith's casting call
for big-chinned dopes and pink-dressed idiots.
What? Well, you have to leave.
Not until we get an audition.
We're desperate local actors.
[GULPS]
Steve, do you ever feel unsafe?
Schwing! Oh!
Did your fish just say "schwing"?
Hmm?[SERVALS GROWLING]
Ahhh!
Let's watch some educational TV.
MAN: Ooh, yeah! Ooh, yeah! WOMAN: Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!
I can hear something, but I'm not seeing the picture.
WOMAN: Oh, yeah!
I'll check on that iced tea.
[FUNK MUSIC PLAYING]
It won't turn off.
This'll muffle it.
We made new Wellingtons
with graham crackers, flour, and hamburger meat.
Iced tea's ready.
You almost screwed us hiring those actors, Hayley.
Luckily, I thought of hiding them in the basement.
I hid the servals in the basement.
[SERVALS GROWLING][MAN SCREAMING]
They're only local actors.
If we're all in here,
then who's with Hardass?
♪ On the good ship Rogupop
♪ It's a sweet...
Rogu, shoo!
I'm afraid I have no explanation for that.
But I do have your tea.
I'm not seeing the fresh mint.
Ahhh! Mint! The man wants mint.
FRANCINE: On it.
Oh, God! Hardass is gonna take me away.
Mmm, the only thing Hardass is taking away
is the takeaway that we make great Wellington.
Mmm. Now bring it upstairs
so it can come down the dumbwaiter.
Nice save. Where'd you get the mint?
[BREATHLESSLY] From the edge of the woods.
Edge of the woods?
That's not mint. It's poison ivy.
Dinner's ready.
Some water for you, Mr. Ass.
Good news. The servals are upstairs.
Bad news, the actors in the basement are begging for food.
I've heard you have
Lord of the Rings weapons in the house?
Hmm. Doesn't "ring" a bell.
Sounds like a good investment, though.
I'm sorry.
Weapons from Lord of the Rings
are a good investment?
Yeah, people will pay a fortune for movie props.
I know I did... Would.
What Stan means is
Lord of the Rings talk is forbidden here.
Or as the great forest elves of Mirkwood say...
"Avanwa..." [GROANS AND WHIMPERS]
Mr. Smith, are you crying?
I just love my boy so much.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
I'm here to buy the Ring.
Lord of the Rings is forbidden. Go away.
I'm back as if nothing happened.
Stan, I was just insisting
we show Mr. Hardass Steve's college fund.
It's so full, the boys at Schwab say it's a modern marvel.
Gah!
Oh, no! The Roomba's stuck.
He can't see the college fund. I used it to buy the One Ring.
HARDASS: Is everything okay down there?
Just sell the Ring to Buckle
and get that money back in the account so we can show him.
I sent Buckle away.
Unsend him away.
Stupid thing got stuck on a crumb. Heh.
Gotta go call the manufacturer.
Can I ask you about that small gray person?
I'm afraid I have no explanation for that.
Sorry I yelled at you.
I got possessed by greed, much like Smeagol.
The Ring is that legit.
Send in the Wellington.
[WHIRRING]
I need to see you in the kitchen right now.
Mrs. Smith, your glass.
Oh! What are you doing?
Please excuse me. I need to go, uh...
Let's see. Something normal. Something normal.
Spank my lady butler!
KLAUS: Schwing!
There it is again!
We can't serve - the Beef Wellington! - Why not?
Jeff used this instead of flour.
It's chaos out there. What is going on?
The Beef Wellington is filled with Roger's sex drugs.
Oh, my God.[FUNK MUSIC PLAYING]
The Roomba got stuck under it.
Where the hell is Dad?
[GASPS] Mr. S ate so much Sex Wellington!
Since we both bank with Schwab, you can instantly transfer
the $25,000 to my account.
But first I need to see the Ring.
One sec. Let me retrieve it.
[UNZIPS] FRANCINE: Stan!
All the Beef Wellington you ate was dosed with Viagra.
Not ideal, but we should be okay as long as nothing arouses me.
WOMAN: Oh! All over my glasses!
[MOANING]
Ow! Ugh! [SOBBING]
Big boner. So what?
During the engorgement, the One Ring
slid out of its pocket and got stuck
on my Eye of Sauron!
So, uh, how long have you two known each other?
We just met today.
That's a fast marriage.
Oh, my God. [GASPS] This Wellington is orgasmic.
Mmm! Mmm!
[ACTOR HAYLEY GIGGLES]
ALL: Food!
Bad butler! We'll clean you up in the bathroom.
ROGER: A little Encanto will save the day.
Go, go, Encanto magic toilet!
[GRUNTING]
Oh, God! Oh, God!
Mrs. S, the actors in the basement
are horny from the Wellington
and they're climbing up the dumbwaiter to your bedroom!
I'm busy!
The bathroom is just in here.
[ROGER SCREAMING]
I can show you the Ring, but it has to be in private.
[SERVALS GROWL]
Not in there. In here.[SERVALS SNARL]
[BOTH MOANING]
My daughter's having sex in there.
I'm having sex in there.
Screw this, I'm leaving.
Wait, I can show you in here.
Don't worry about the bathroom.
Because I've seen enough.
Please don't take Steve away.
[WOMAN MOANING]
[LAUGHS] Take Steve?
It's not against the law to have a dinner go badly.
What I really care about is the boy.
And he was smiling all night.
What's healthier than smiling all the time no matter what?
Now I must be going.
It's elven tradition to view the Ring
only through this hole I made.
I believe I see
one of Peter Jackson's curly beard hairs.
Not included.[DINGS]
HARDASS: Good night, Mr. Smith.
We did it, everybody.
[FAMILY CHEERING]
Oh, sorry. Forgot my...
[SERVALS SNARL]...coat.
ROGER: Something's wrong with your toilet.
MAN: Ooh, yeah! Ooh, yeah! Oh!
Wild cats.
Pornos. Toilet man.
A high-end... Penis dealer?
It's not what it looks like.
And a talking fish.
I've changed my assessment.
I'm taking the boy.
- No! - Please!
- We can do better! - We'll get rid of the fish!
You know what? I'm ready to go.
All we had to do was get our act together for one night.
You know who does have their act together?
The foster-care system.
Let's go, Hardass.
Great. Now I've lost two things.
[STAN AND FRANCINE SOBBING]
I can't believe Steve is gone!
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Hi. I'm Jack Hardass.
[SERVALS YOWL] ALL: Jack Hardass?
This guy had an official lanyard.
He's the real Hardass.
Then who's that guy who took Steve?
A kidnapper.
And a financially savvy one at that.
He wants to exchange the boy for this.
- We have to go save him. - But we can't let real Hardass know
we gave our son to a kidnapper.
I have an idea.
Hello! I'm Stan... Line?
- FRANCINE: Smith. - Smith.
Come in.
[TIRES SQUEAL]
Did someone just steal your car?
As long as they don't steal my precious boy.
I like your attitude, Mr. Smith.
Where are we doing - the exchange? - We're not.
Steve would never want us to sacrifice the One Ring.
So I traced the texts to the kidnapper's hideout.
We'll steal Steve back.
I just don't get who would do this.
Who would want that ring this badly?
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
STAN: Dear God! It's Elijah Wood.
FRANCINE: There's Sean Astin.
HAYLEY: Dominic Monaghan.
JEFF: Jack Hardass is Billy Boyd.
The Hobbits from Lord of the Rings
kidnapped Steve?
Pernicious Boyd has my precious boy,
and he wants my precious! Oy!
Here's the plan. I sneak in...
Can't I sneak in this time?
You made Hayley and I be the butlers.
We should sneak in.
I sneak in.
- I sneak in. - We sneak in.
[ALL GRUNTING]
Argh!
Oh, no! Steve was right.
Even when we try to come together, it's utter chaos.
But maybe we could
use that chaos to our advantage?
[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]
Why didn't you just steal the Ring?
I was so shocked it was on his penis,
I panicked and stole his kid.
This is a bad idea.
You know the rules.
On the set of Fellowship, we swore an oath.
ALL: To always support each other's passion projects
no matter what.
And I need this ring so I can sell it and use the profits
to fund my new tequila brand Casa Smeagol's.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Hey, ol' Petey sent us Beef Wellingtons.
I'm starved.
That family kept slapping food out of my hands.
Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! [GIGGLES]
MAN ON TV: Ooh, yeah! Ooh, yeah!
Oh! Oh!
[ALL GROANING]
Oh, yeah!
We're all getting erections!
Who knew when I got these for stargazing
I'd be gazing at star Billy Boyd's boner?
[ALL GROANING]
ROGER: I'm done joking. Someone help me out of this thing.
[SERVALS SNARLING]
[ALL SCREAMING]
[GASPS]
Steve, you were right.
We're so sorry about how we acted.
STEVE: [MUFFLED] That's okay, guys.
And I'm sorry I emptied your college fund
to buy the One Ring.
You did what?[CELL PHONE RINGING]
He's demanding to see Steve.
He's heading up to his bedroom.
Stall him. Just say something stupid,
like, you've realized family's everything.
I learned to appreciate my family.
Oh, Mr. Smith, that's wonderful.
[TIRES SCREECH]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
STEVE: Just finishing up my homework
on the history of burlap sacks.
From fish to sticks, they truly held it all.
Precious as advertised.
What a perfect family. Good night.
My precious family.
Bye! Have a great time.