1
00:00:04,787 --> 00:00:06,963
Guys, I'm sorry my parents
2
00:00:06,963 --> 00:00:10,706
were blasting Steely Dan
so loud during our sleepover.
3
00:00:10,706 --> 00:00:13,578
I've asked them
a million times
to play something current
4
00:00:13,578 --> 00:00:15,667
to cover the sounds
of their lovemaking
5
00:00:15,667 --> 00:00:17,452
Like Soulja Boy!
6
00:00:17,452 --> 00:00:19,671
God, they're embarrassing.
7
00:00:19,671 --> 00:00:23,414
It's okay, Barry.
Everyone's family
can be embarrassing.
8
00:00:23,414 --> 00:00:26,200
My mom still cuts
my sandwiches into hearts.
9
00:00:26,200 --> 00:00:30,769
I'm 15! My sandwiches
should be shaped
like lightning bolts!
10
00:00:30,769 --> 00:00:32,162
Tell me about it.
11
00:00:32,162 --> 00:00:33,859
The other day, I slipped
in a puddle of lube
12
00:00:33,859 --> 00:00:36,601
my Uncle Roger spilled
prepping for his orgy,
13
00:00:36,601 --> 00:00:39,387
and I slid into my sister's
three-foot bong.
14
00:00:39,387 --> 00:00:42,172
Then my parents
ran in dueling
with these prop swords
15
00:00:42,172 --> 00:00:44,696
from Lord of the Rings
my dad bought on eBay.
16
00:00:44,696 --> 00:00:47,525
My mom took a reckless
orc-style swing at my dad,
17
00:00:47,525 --> 00:00:49,136
but sliced me instead.
18
00:00:49,136 --> 00:00:52,095
I bled and bled.
19
00:00:52,095 --> 00:00:54,489
Steve, your family sounds
20
00:00:54,489 --> 00:00:57,448
chaotic, unstable, unhealthy.
21
00:00:57,448 --> 00:01:00,538
Hey, Steve.
I'm stealin' this to show
porno at my orgy.
22
00:01:00,538 --> 00:01:01,844
Keep the homies horny.
23
00:01:01,844 --> 00:01:03,454
That's your uncle, right?
24
00:01:03,454 --> 00:01:06,153
Okay, so my family's
a little unconventional.
25
00:01:06,153 --> 00:01:07,371
But when it really matters,
26
00:01:07,371 --> 00:01:09,112
we're always there
for each other.
27
00:01:09,112 --> 00:01:10,766
Be careful
sharing this stuff.
28
00:01:10,766 --> 00:01:13,247
Someone could report you
to social services.
29
00:01:13,247 --> 00:01:16,424
Who'd report me?
You guys? My best friends?
30
00:01:16,424 --> 00:01:18,426
Or, you,
really cool new kid?
31
00:01:18,426 --> 00:01:21,559
So cool.
I know I can trust you.
32
00:01:21,559 --> 00:01:23,996
Cowabunga!
33
00:01:23,996 --> 00:01:26,869
I've been told
a disturbing story
about your family
34
00:01:26,869 --> 00:01:29,132
from my undercover
social services narc.
35
00:01:29,132 --> 00:01:30,916
Cowabunga!
36
00:01:30,916 --> 00:01:33,005
You? A narc?
37
00:01:33,005 --> 00:01:34,877
I'm sorry,
but a social worker
38
00:01:34,877 --> 00:01:37,009
will need to make a home visit
to the Smith house.
39
00:01:37,009 --> 00:01:38,141
Social worker?
40
00:01:38,141 --> 00:01:40,143
- Home visit?
- Smith house?
41
00:01:40,143 --> 00:01:41,884
Cowabunga!
42
00:01:44,713 --> 00:01:47,629
♪ Good morning, USA
43
00:01:47,629 --> 00:01:50,936
♪ I got a feeling
That it's gonna be
A wonderful day
44
00:01:50,936 --> 00:01:54,070
♪ The sun in the sky
Has a smile on his face
45
00:01:54,070 --> 00:01:57,943
♪ And he's shining a salute
To the American race
46
00:02:00,555 --> 00:02:03,732
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say
47
00:02:03,732 --> 00:02:06,169
♪ Good morning, USA
48
00:02:06,169 --> 00:02:07,257
Ah!
49
00:02:09,172 --> 00:02:11,696
♪ Good morning, USA
50
00:02:14,482 --> 00:02:16,788
A social worker?
Could they take Steve
51
00:02:16,788 --> 00:02:19,878
if they see something
dangerous like swords
lying around?
52
00:02:19,878 --> 00:02:22,838
Swords? Oh, you mean
my Uruk-hai scimitars.
53
00:02:22,838 --> 00:02:25,014
These are investments.
You wouldn't believe
54
00:02:25,014 --> 00:02:27,364
how much Lord of the Rings
fans pay for this stuff.
55
00:02:27,364 --> 00:02:29,061
How much did you pay?
56
00:02:29,061 --> 00:02:30,411
An undisclosed amount.
57
00:02:30,411 --> 00:02:32,108
Here's my biggest
investment yet,
58
00:02:32,108 --> 00:02:34,197
an extra-large One Ring
59
00:02:34,197 --> 00:02:36,112
used on set to create
forced perspective.
60
00:02:37,200 --> 00:02:39,115
Don't worry, Hayley.
61
00:02:39,115 --> 00:02:41,465
Remember the last time
a social worker came?
62
00:02:41,465 --> 00:02:43,554
When you were
breastfeeding Steve
at his high school?
63
00:02:43,554 --> 00:02:46,557
We just call social services,
get Wendell again,
64
00:02:46,557 --> 00:02:48,516
and bribe his ass.
65
00:02:48,516 --> 00:02:50,039
Wendell was fired?
66
00:02:50,039 --> 00:02:51,910
Yes, for taking bribes.
67
00:02:51,910 --> 00:02:54,174
Yuck! We hate bribes.
68
00:02:54,174 --> 00:02:56,567
Around here,
bribes are a big taboo.
69
00:02:57,699 --> 00:02:59,657
Hayley! Shh!
Sorry about that.
70
00:02:59,657 --> 00:03:01,398
So if you could
just send someone else
71
00:03:01,398 --> 00:03:03,183
easygoing, hates rules,
72
00:03:03,183 --> 00:03:04,401
is... Very bribable?
73
00:03:04,401 --> 00:03:05,533
Bribable works.
74
00:03:05,533 --> 00:03:07,491
We'll waive the taboo
just this once.
75
00:03:07,491 --> 00:03:09,798
Says here
the social worker
visiting your home
76
00:03:09,798 --> 00:03:12,235
is Jack Hardass.
77
00:03:12,235 --> 00:03:13,802
Gonna mute ya
for a sec.
78
00:03:14,933 --> 00:03:17,153
Jack Hardass?
79
00:03:17,153 --> 00:03:19,547
We're assuming his name
is hilariously ironic
80
00:03:19,547 --> 00:03:22,289
because he's so nice
and has a soft, jiggly booty?
81
00:03:22,289 --> 00:03:24,813
Jack Hardass
is just like his name.
82
00:03:24,813 --> 00:03:26,641
Mother !
83
00:03:26,641 --> 00:03:29,078
They're gonna take
my precious boy!
84
00:03:30,862 --> 00:03:34,126
Heard about the precious boy.
Got here as fast as I could.
85
00:03:34,126 --> 00:03:36,520
Stop. No one is taking me.
86
00:03:36,520 --> 00:03:38,435
Like I told Snot
when he said our family
87
00:03:38,435 --> 00:03:41,090
was unstable,
chaotic, unhealthy...
88
00:03:41,090 --> 00:03:42,439
That piece of shit.
89
00:03:42,439 --> 00:03:44,006
When it really counts,
90
00:03:44,006 --> 00:03:46,269
the Smiths are always
there for each other.
91
00:03:46,269 --> 00:03:48,097
Snot is becoming
a problem.
92
00:03:48,097 --> 00:03:49,229
One thing at a time.
93
00:03:49,229 --> 00:03:50,752
But just so we remember...
94
00:03:55,670 --> 00:03:59,021
Jack Hardass
is coming tomorrow.
We'll be ready.
95
00:03:59,021 --> 00:04:01,937
Social Service's
Healthy Home Checklist,
96
00:04:01,937 --> 00:04:04,418
a.k.a. Hardass's Bible.
97
00:04:04,418 --> 00:04:07,421
"A home free of
dangerous items."
98
00:04:07,421 --> 00:04:09,249
Like these swords, Stan.
99
00:04:09,249 --> 00:04:10,598
I've been talking to Buckle.
100
00:04:10,598 --> 00:04:12,904
He's gonna buy the One Ring
off me tonight.
101
00:04:12,904 --> 00:04:14,515
I'll try to sell him
the swords, too.
102
00:04:14,515 --> 00:04:17,648
"All content must be
age-appropriate."
103
00:04:17,648 --> 00:04:19,128
So no sex stuff.
104
00:04:19,128 --> 00:04:21,261
Don't worry.
I'm postponing my orgy
105
00:04:21,261 --> 00:04:23,088
and surrendering
my sex drugs.
106
00:04:23,088 --> 00:04:25,395
Goodbye, horny-goat-
weed-Viagra mix
107
00:04:25,395 --> 00:04:27,745
that can almost
guarantee arousal.
108
00:04:27,745 --> 00:04:30,835
So long, remote for
my Wireless Porno Rig.
109
00:04:30,835 --> 00:04:32,315
Careful.
I disabled the off-button.
110
00:04:32,315 --> 00:04:35,013
So once it's on,
it never stops playing porn.
111
00:04:35,013 --> 00:04:37,581
If you need me,
I'll be hiding
in the walls.
112
00:04:37,581 --> 00:04:39,148
No personas tomorrow.
113
00:04:39,148 --> 00:04:42,934
Mr. R, you'll be like Bruno
from Disney's Encanto?
114
00:04:42,934 --> 00:04:44,980
You're right.
What if I made the house
115
00:04:44,980 --> 00:04:47,548
magically come to life
like in Encanto?
116
00:04:47,548 --> 00:04:50,333
Floorboards flappin'
and clappin' like castanets.
117
00:04:50,333 --> 00:04:51,900
Silent in the walls
will be fine.
118
00:04:51,900 --> 00:04:53,945
Now, to make sure
we impress Hardass,
119
00:04:53,945 --> 00:04:56,339
I compiled
a CIA dossier on him.
120
00:04:56,339 --> 00:04:58,254
Hardass has
high-class tastes.
121
00:04:58,254 --> 00:05:01,213
Fancy food, fancy cats,
fancy feast.
122
00:05:01,213 --> 00:05:04,434
So we'll serve him
the fanciest dish
of all time.
123
00:05:04,434 --> 00:05:06,218
Beef Wellington.
124
00:05:06,218 --> 00:05:07,655
Hayley and I
can try making
125
00:05:07,655 --> 00:05:10,397
a practice Wellington
tonight, Mr. S!
126
00:05:10,397 --> 00:05:12,355
And I'm adopting cats
right now.
127
00:05:12,355 --> 00:05:15,227
But classy guys don't like
seeing anything weird,
128
00:05:15,227 --> 00:05:16,664
so no talking fish.
129
00:05:16,664 --> 00:05:18,318
Anything for Steve.
130
00:05:18,318 --> 00:05:19,754
Hands in, everybody.
131
00:05:19,754 --> 00:05:21,582
For our precious boy.
132
00:05:21,582 --> 00:05:23,148
Whoo!
133
00:05:26,064 --> 00:05:28,545
Practice Wellington's
looking good.
134
00:05:28,545 --> 00:05:30,373
Great.
Now remember, Steve.
135
00:05:30,373 --> 00:05:33,768
All you gotta do
is smile, look happy.
136
00:05:33,768 --> 00:05:36,597
Mediocre.
Think Al Roker.
137
00:05:36,597 --> 00:05:38,729
Now give me Joker.
138
00:05:38,729 --> 00:05:41,166
That's a happy boy.
139
00:05:41,166 --> 00:05:42,690
I'm not willing
to risk wrinkling
140
00:05:42,690 --> 00:05:44,300
any of my slacks
before tomorrow.
141
00:05:44,300 --> 00:05:46,694
But what's
that circular lump?
142
00:05:46,694 --> 00:05:49,261
My One Ring, stored in
the place made specifically
143
00:05:49,261 --> 00:05:51,786
for a man's most valuable possessions,
144
00:05:51,786 --> 00:05:54,092
the little front pocket
of his undies.
145
00:05:54,092 --> 00:05:55,311
Where should
Jeff and I sit?
146
00:05:55,311 --> 00:05:57,313
Nowhere.
You'll be our butlers.
147
00:05:57,313 --> 00:05:59,010
- Okay!
- The hell you
talkin' about?
148
00:05:59,010 --> 00:06:00,577
We need to
project wealth.
149
00:06:00,577 --> 00:06:02,057
Same reason we built
the dumbwaiter.
150
00:06:02,057 --> 00:06:03,667
Also because of your burp
151
00:06:03,667 --> 00:06:06,104
during the call
with social services.
152
00:06:06,104 --> 00:06:09,543
A.k.a. "Burpgate."
It was too crude.
153
00:06:09,543 --> 00:06:12,807
So we hired actors
to play our new, classy,
154
00:06:12,807 --> 00:06:15,549
hardbodied
Jeff and Hayley!
155
00:06:15,549 --> 00:06:17,855
What? Why are we
being singled out?
156
00:06:17,855 --> 00:06:21,424
You're the one who got
wild servals instead of
normal cats.
157
00:06:23,600 --> 00:06:26,255
They seemed fancier.
158
00:06:26,255 --> 00:06:29,867
Maybe I'll put out a casting
call for big-chinned dopes
159
00:06:29,867 --> 00:06:31,956
and pink-dressed idiots
to replace you.
160
00:06:33,218 --> 00:06:34,263
Who could that be?
161
00:06:35,133 --> 00:06:37,484
Hello. I'm Jack Hardass.
162
00:06:38,789 --> 00:06:40,269
Jack Hardass?
163
00:06:40,269 --> 00:06:41,879
A night early?
164
00:06:41,879 --> 00:06:43,794
Stan, you said
you wrote the date
165
00:06:43,794 --> 00:06:45,796
in your most
important calendar.
166
00:06:45,796 --> 00:06:47,319
Most valuable calendar.
167
00:06:47,319 --> 00:06:49,321
From the release of
Fellowship of the Ring.
168
00:06:49,321 --> 00:06:52,324
That's from when the movie
came out in 2001.
169
00:06:52,324 --> 00:06:53,804
The dates are all off.
170
00:06:53,804 --> 00:06:55,066
Uh, what do we do?
171
00:06:55,066 --> 00:06:57,329
We'll just have to
impress Hardass tonight.
172
00:06:57,329 --> 00:06:59,593
Do you think he noticed
- I wasn't wearing pants?
- Yes.
173
00:06:59,593 --> 00:07:00,942
- Oh, yeah.
- Hundred percent.
174
00:07:00,942 --> 00:07:03,161
Hmm. Well,
then I didn't
shave for nothing.
175
00:07:04,380 --> 00:07:06,643
The social worker's here.
We're not ready
176
00:07:06,643 --> 00:07:08,210
and it's all
your fault, Stan.
177
00:07:08,210 --> 00:07:09,820
Who writes down
an important date
178
00:07:09,820 --> 00:07:11,953
in a calendar
from 2001?
179
00:07:11,953 --> 00:07:13,998
A lot of people
in 2001 did.
180
00:07:16,000 --> 00:07:18,002
Steve's a goner
because of you two.
181
00:07:18,002 --> 00:07:20,178
You deserve to be
the stupid...
182
00:07:20,178 --> 00:07:22,659
Butt-lers!
183
00:07:22,659 --> 00:07:24,618
I'mma drop you
like a bad Hobbit.
184
00:07:24,618 --> 00:07:25,880
Come on.
185
00:07:25,880 --> 00:07:28,448
You said you could
do this for me
186
00:07:28,448 --> 00:07:29,884
and I believe in you.
187
00:07:29,884 --> 00:07:32,060
Let's be there
for each other, Smiths.
188
00:07:32,060 --> 00:07:34,105
- I'll hide the swords.
- I'll hide the servals.
189
00:07:34,105 --> 00:07:35,629
I got the sex drugs.
190
00:07:42,940 --> 00:07:44,638
Butler Hayley,
get the door.
191
00:07:44,638 --> 00:07:47,684
A final touch of class,
the Roomba.
192
00:07:47,684 --> 00:07:50,382
Remember, Steve,
just keep smiling.
193
00:07:52,254 --> 00:07:53,647
You rang?
194
00:07:53,647 --> 00:07:55,126
I knocked.
195
00:07:55,126 --> 00:07:57,085
For ten minutes.
196
00:07:57,085 --> 00:07:58,521
Sorry.
I couldn't find my pants.
197
00:07:58,521 --> 00:07:59,914
But you probably
didn't even notice.
198
00:07:59,914 --> 00:08:03,439
I noticed.
And made a note.
199
00:08:03,439 --> 00:08:05,441
Um, let's meet the family.
200
00:08:05,441 --> 00:08:07,225
My beautiful wife, Francine.
201
00:08:07,225 --> 00:08:09,097
My burp-free
daughter, Hayley.
202
00:08:09,097 --> 00:08:11,621
Her husband, Jeff,
who is very stupid.
203
00:08:11,621 --> 00:08:13,754
These are our butlers,
who should go serve
204
00:08:13,754 --> 00:08:15,495
the practice Wellingtons.
205
00:08:16,626 --> 00:08:17,888
Dinner is almost ready.
206
00:08:17,888 --> 00:08:20,108
We're having beef Wellington,
as usual.
207
00:08:20,108 --> 00:08:23,677
Why a practice Wellington?
208
00:08:23,677 --> 00:08:26,984
Because practice Wellington
makes perfect Wellington.
209
00:08:26,984 --> 00:08:28,812
This is
the famous Steve.
210
00:08:28,812 --> 00:08:32,163
May I take your coat,
Mr. Hardass?
211
00:08:32,163 --> 00:08:34,688
Go, go, Encanto
magic coat hook.
212
00:08:35,602 --> 00:08:36,907
Shh!
213
00:08:38,779 --> 00:08:40,128
So we're not bothered
214
00:08:40,128 --> 00:08:41,738
by the hustle and bustle
in the kitchen.
215
00:08:41,738 --> 00:08:42,826
Care for a drink?
216
00:08:42,826 --> 00:08:44,915
Iced tea, please.
217
00:08:44,915 --> 00:08:47,527
A wonderful choice,
Mr. Hardass.
218
00:08:48,919 --> 00:08:51,052
They ate the practice Wellingtons.
219
00:08:51,052 --> 00:08:52,357
Make new ones.
220
00:08:54,055 --> 00:08:55,622
Get the servals
out of there now.
221
00:08:55,622 --> 00:08:57,580
You, go help with dinner.
222
00:08:57,580 --> 00:08:59,408
Please, Mr. Hardass,
take a seat.
223
00:08:59,408 --> 00:09:00,801
Dinner won't be
for a while.
224
00:09:00,801 --> 00:09:04,021
You said it was
"almost ready."
225
00:09:04,021 --> 00:09:06,894
H-He said it was
all moist and ruddy,
226
00:09:06,894 --> 00:09:08,896
which is how he refers
to raw meat.
227
00:09:13,161 --> 00:09:15,337
Just some
roaming degenerates.
228
00:09:15,337 --> 00:09:17,295
Not around
my precious boy.
229
00:09:17,295 --> 00:09:19,210
Now, excuse me.
I'm gonna get
some fresh air.
230
00:09:19,210 --> 00:09:20,690
And my iced tea?
231
00:09:20,690 --> 00:09:23,432
Did I say "fresh air"?
I meant "fresh mint."
232
00:09:23,432 --> 00:09:25,695
For your iced tea.
233
00:09:25,695 --> 00:09:27,828
We're here for
Hayley Smith's
casting call
234
00:09:27,828 --> 00:09:30,004
for big-chinned dopes
and pink-dressed idiots.
235
00:09:30,004 --> 00:09:31,745
What? Well,
you have to leave.
236
00:09:31,745 --> 00:09:33,355
Not until we get
an audition.
237
00:09:33,355 --> 00:09:35,313
We're desperate
local actors.
238
00:09:36,401 --> 00:09:39,535
Steve, do you ever
feel unsafe?
239
00:09:40,667 --> 00:09:42,103
Schwing! Oh!
240
00:09:42,103 --> 00:09:44,627
Did your fish
just say "schwing"?
241
00:09:44,627 --> 00:09:46,063
Hmm?
242
00:09:46,063 --> 00:09:47,325
Ahhh!
243
00:09:47,325 --> 00:09:49,850
Let's watch
some educational TV.
244
00:09:49,850 --> 00:09:52,504
Ooh, yeah! Ooh, yeah! WOMAN: Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!
245
00:09:52,504 --> 00:09:56,857
I can hear something,
but I'm not seeing
the picture.
246
00:09:56,857 --> 00:09:58,641
Oh, yeah!
247
00:09:59,599 --> 00:10:01,818
I'll check
on that iced tea.
248
00:10:03,124 --> 00:10:04,647
It won't turn off.
249
00:10:04,647 --> 00:10:06,344
This'll muffle it.
250
00:10:06,344 --> 00:10:07,868
We made new Wellingtons
251
00:10:07,868 --> 00:10:10,392
with graham crackers,
flour, and hamburger meat.
252
00:10:10,392 --> 00:10:11,741
Iced tea's ready.
253
00:10:11,741 --> 00:10:13,961
You almost screwed us
hiring those actors, Hayley.
254
00:10:13,961 --> 00:10:15,963
Luckily, I thought of
hiding them in the basement.
255
00:10:15,963 --> 00:10:18,095
I hid the servals
in the basement.
256
00:10:20,054 --> 00:10:21,708
They're only local actors.
257
00:10:21,708 --> 00:10:23,623
If we're all in here,
258
00:10:23,623 --> 00:10:25,450
then who's with Hardass?
259
00:10:25,450 --> 00:10:28,584
♪ On the good ship Rogupop
260
00:10:28,584 --> 00:10:29,803
♪ It's a sweet...
261
00:10:29,803 --> 00:10:31,587
Rogu, shoo!
262
00:10:31,587 --> 00:10:33,633
I'm afraid I have
no explanation for that.
263
00:10:33,633 --> 00:10:34,851
But I do have your tea.
264
00:10:34,851 --> 00:10:36,853
I'm not seeing
the fresh mint.
265
00:10:36,853 --> 00:10:39,203
Ahhh! Mint!
The man wants mint.
266
00:10:39,203 --> 00:10:40,335
On it.
267
00:10:40,335 --> 00:10:43,338
Oh, God! Hardass
is gonna take me away.
268
00:10:43,338 --> 00:10:46,036
Mmm, the only thing
Hardass is taking away
269
00:10:46,036 --> 00:10:49,431
is the takeaway that
we make great Wellington.
270
00:10:49,431 --> 00:10:51,128
Mmm. Now bring it upstairs
271
00:10:51,128 --> 00:10:54,218
so it can come down
the dumbwaiter.
272
00:10:54,218 --> 00:10:56,438
Nice save.
Where'd you get the mint?
273
00:10:56,438 --> 00:10:58,570
From the edge
of the woods.
274
00:10:58,570 --> 00:10:59,833
Edge of the woods?
275
00:10:59,833 --> 00:11:01,791
That's not mint.
It's poison ivy.
276
00:11:02,662 --> 00:11:04,664
Dinner's ready.
277
00:11:04,664 --> 00:11:07,754
Some water for you,
Mr. Ass.
278
00:11:07,754 --> 00:11:09,712
Good news.
The servals are upstairs.
279
00:11:09,712 --> 00:11:12,672
Bad news, the actors
in the basement
are begging for food.
280
00:11:12,672 --> 00:11:14,761
I've heard you have
281
00:11:14,761 --> 00:11:17,633
Lord of the Rings weapons
in the house?
282
00:11:17,633 --> 00:11:19,983
Hmm.
Doesn't "ring" a bell.
283
00:11:19,983 --> 00:11:21,681
Sounds like a good
investment, though.
284
00:11:21,681 --> 00:11:22,812
I'm sorry.
285
00:11:22,812 --> 00:11:24,727
Weapons from
Lord of the Rings
286
00:11:24,727 --> 00:11:27,687
are a good investment?
287
00:11:27,687 --> 00:11:29,993
Yeah, people will pay
a fortune for movie props.
288
00:11:29,993 --> 00:11:31,386
I know I did... Would.
289
00:11:31,386 --> 00:11:32,953
What Stan means is
290
00:11:32,953 --> 00:11:36,173
Lord of the Rings talk
is forbidden here.
291
00:11:36,173 --> 00:11:39,481
Or as the great forest elves
of Mirkwood say...
292
00:11:39,481 --> 00:11:41,439
"Avanwa..."
293
00:11:41,439 --> 00:11:43,528
Mr. Smith,
are you crying?
294
00:11:43,528 --> 00:11:46,270
I just love my boy
so much.
295
00:11:49,099 --> 00:11:51,362
I'm here to buy the Ring.
296
00:11:51,362 --> 00:11:53,538
Lord of the Rings
is forbidden. Go away.
297
00:11:53,538 --> 00:11:56,019
I'm back
as if nothing happened.
298
00:11:56,019 --> 00:11:58,543
Stan, I was just insisting
299
00:11:58,543 --> 00:12:01,503
we show Mr. Hardass
Steve's college fund.
300
00:12:01,503 --> 00:12:06,290
It's so full,
the boys at Schwab say
it's a modern marvel.
301
00:12:06,290 --> 00:12:07,378
Gah!
302
00:12:07,378 --> 00:12:10,077
Oh, no!
The Roomba's stuck.
303
00:12:10,077 --> 00:12:13,167
He can't see the college fund.
I used it to buy the One Ring.
304
00:12:13,167 --> 00:12:15,299
Is everything okay
down there?
305
00:12:15,299 --> 00:12:16,997
Just sell the Ring
to Buckle
306
00:12:16,997 --> 00:12:19,260
and get that money
back in the account
so we can show him.
307
00:12:19,260 --> 00:12:20,522
I sent Buckle away.
308
00:12:20,522 --> 00:12:21,784
Unsend him away.
309
00:12:23,525 --> 00:12:26,049
Stupid thing got stuck
on a crumb. Heh.
310
00:12:26,049 --> 00:12:28,530
Gotta go call
the manufacturer.
311
00:12:28,530 --> 00:12:32,926
Can I ask you about
that small gray person?
312
00:12:32,926 --> 00:12:35,276
I'm afraid I have
no explanation for that.
313
00:12:35,276 --> 00:12:36,668
Sorry I yelled at you.
314
00:12:36,668 --> 00:12:39,149
I got possessed by greed,
much like Smeagol.
315
00:12:39,149 --> 00:12:40,890
The Ring is that legit.
316
00:12:40,890 --> 00:12:42,587
Send in the Wellington.
317
00:12:47,418 --> 00:12:48,811
I need to see you
in the kitchen right now.
318
00:12:48,811 --> 00:12:50,857
Mrs. Smith, your glass.
319
00:12:50,857 --> 00:12:52,684
Oh! What are you doing?
320
00:12:52,684 --> 00:12:55,035
Please excuse me.
I need to go, uh...
321
00:12:55,035 --> 00:12:58,342
Let's see. Something normal.
Something normal.
322
00:12:58,342 --> 00:12:59,822
Spank my lady butler!
323
00:12:59,822 --> 00:13:00,910
Schwing!
324
00:13:00,910 --> 00:13:02,346
There it is again!
325
00:13:03,739 --> 00:13:06,002
We can't serve
- the Beef Wellington!
- Why not?
326
00:13:06,002 --> 00:13:08,657
Jeff used this
instead of flour.
327
00:13:08,657 --> 00:13:11,225
It's chaos out there.
What is going on?
328
00:13:11,225 --> 00:13:14,837
The Beef Wellington
is filled with Roger's
sex drugs.
329
00:13:14,837 --> 00:13:16,839
Oh, my God.
330
00:13:16,839 --> 00:13:18,667
The Roomba got stuck
under it.
331
00:13:18,667 --> 00:13:20,147
Where the hell is Dad?
332
00:13:20,147 --> 00:13:23,715
Mr. S ate so much
Sex Wellington!
333
00:13:23,715 --> 00:13:26,675
Since we both bank
with Schwab, you can
instantly transfer
334
00:13:26,675 --> 00:13:28,416
the $25,000
to my account.
335
00:13:28,416 --> 00:13:31,506
But first I need
to see the Ring.
336
00:13:31,506 --> 00:13:33,247
One sec.
Let me retrieve it.
337
00:13:33,247 --> 00:13:36,076
Stan!
338
00:13:36,076 --> 00:13:39,427
All the Beef Wellington
you ate was dosed with Viagra.
339
00:13:39,427 --> 00:13:42,909
Not ideal,
but we should be okay
as long as nothing arouses me.
340
00:13:42,909 --> 00:13:45,737
Oh!
All over my glasses!
341
00:13:49,916 --> 00:13:51,395
Ow! Ugh!
342
00:13:51,395 --> 00:13:53,006
Big boner. So what?
343
00:13:53,006 --> 00:13:55,312
During the engorgement,
the One Ring
344
00:13:55,312 --> 00:13:57,793
slid out of its pocket
and got stuck
345
00:13:57,793 --> 00:14:00,056
on my Eye of Sauron!
346
00:14:00,056 --> 00:14:02,667
So, uh, how long
have you two
known each other?
347
00:14:02,667 --> 00:14:04,017
We just met today.
348
00:14:04,017 --> 00:14:05,845
That's a fast marriage.
349
00:14:05,845 --> 00:14:09,109
Oh, my God.
This Wellington
is orgasmic.
350
00:14:09,109 --> 00:14:10,980
Mmm! Mmm!
351
00:14:15,898 --> 00:14:16,986
Food!
352
00:14:22,122 --> 00:14:26,474
Bad butler!
We'll clean you up
in the bathroom.
353
00:14:26,474 --> 00:14:29,477
A little Encanto
will save the day.
354
00:14:29,477 --> 00:14:31,958
Go, go,
Encanto magic toilet!
355
00:14:34,525 --> 00:14:35,787
Oh, God! Oh, God!
356
00:14:36,701 --> 00:14:39,139
Mrs. S, the actors
in the basement
357
00:14:39,139 --> 00:14:40,923
are horny
from the Wellington
358
00:14:40,923 --> 00:14:43,056
and they're climbing up
the dumbwaiter
to your bedroom!
359
00:14:43,056 --> 00:14:44,100
I'm busy!
360
00:14:45,101 --> 00:14:47,234
The bathroom
is just in here.
361
00:14:49,236 --> 00:14:51,803
I can show you the Ring,
but it has to be in private.
362
00:14:53,544 --> 00:14:56,199
Not in there. In here.
363
00:14:58,462 --> 00:15:00,073
My daughter's
having sex in there.
364
00:15:02,858 --> 00:15:04,555
I'm having sex in there.
365
00:15:04,555 --> 00:15:06,296
Screw this, I'm leaving.
366
00:15:06,296 --> 00:15:08,168
Wait, I can show you
in here.
367
00:15:08,168 --> 00:15:10,300
Don't worry
about the bathroom.
368
00:15:10,300 --> 00:15:12,346
Because I've seen enough.
369
00:15:12,346 --> 00:15:14,522
Please don't
take Steve away.
370
00:15:15,610 --> 00:15:17,699
Take Steve?
371
00:15:17,699 --> 00:15:21,137
It's not against the law
to have a dinner go badly.
372
00:15:21,137 --> 00:15:23,444
What I really care about
is the boy.
373
00:15:23,444 --> 00:15:25,620
And he was smiling
all night.
374
00:15:27,491 --> 00:15:30,799
What's healthier than smiling
all the time no matter what?
375
00:15:30,799 --> 00:15:32,801
Now I must be going.
376
00:15:32,801 --> 00:15:34,759
It's elven tradition
to view the Ring
377
00:15:34,759 --> 00:15:36,544
only through
this hole I made.
378
00:15:39,590 --> 00:15:40,765
I believe I see
379
00:15:40,765 --> 00:15:43,899
one of Peter Jackson's
curly beard hairs.
380
00:15:43,899 --> 00:15:45,640
Not included.
381
00:15:45,640 --> 00:15:47,294
Good night, Mr. Smith.
382
00:15:51,254 --> 00:15:53,126
We did it, everybody.
383
00:15:54,866 --> 00:15:56,694
Oh, sorry.
Forgot my...
384
00:15:56,694 --> 00:15:58,653
...coat.
385
00:15:58,653 --> 00:16:01,134
Something's wrong
with your toilet.
386
00:16:01,134 --> 00:16:05,268
Ooh, yeah!
Ooh, yeah! Oh!
387
00:16:05,877 --> 00:16:07,618
Wild cats.
388
00:16:07,618 --> 00:16:10,795
Pornos. Toilet man.
389
00:16:12,754 --> 00:16:15,409
A high-end...
Penis dealer?
390
00:16:15,409 --> 00:16:17,150
It's not what it looks like.
391
00:16:17,150 --> 00:16:20,109
And a talking fish.
392
00:16:20,109 --> 00:16:22,242
I've changed
my assessment.
393
00:16:22,242 --> 00:16:24,113
I'm taking the boy.
394
00:16:24,113 --> 00:16:25,506
- No!
- Please!
395
00:16:25,506 --> 00:16:27,203
- We can do better!
- We'll get rid
of the fish!
396
00:16:27,203 --> 00:16:28,900
You know what?
I'm ready to go.
397
00:16:28,900 --> 00:16:32,295
All we had to do
was get our act together
for one night.
398
00:16:32,295 --> 00:16:34,428
You know who does have
their act together?
399
00:16:34,428 --> 00:16:36,125
The foster-care system.
400
00:16:36,125 --> 00:16:37,605
Let's go, Hardass.
401
00:16:42,044 --> 00:16:44,307
Great.
Now I've lost two things.
402
00:16:49,269 --> 00:16:52,054
I can't believe
Steve is gone!
403
00:16:55,275 --> 00:16:57,233
Hi. I'm Jack Hardass.
404
00:16:57,233 --> 00:16:59,279
Jack Hardass?
405
00:16:59,279 --> 00:17:01,977
This guy had
an official lanyard.
406
00:17:01,977 --> 00:17:03,457
He's the real Hardass.
407
00:17:03,457 --> 00:17:05,850
Then who's that guy
who took Steve?
408
00:17:05,850 --> 00:17:06,982
A kidnapper.
409
00:17:06,982 --> 00:17:08,679
And a financially
savvy one at that.
410
00:17:08,679 --> 00:17:11,160
He wants to exchange the boy
for this.
411
00:17:11,160 --> 00:17:14,598
- We have to go save him.
- But we can't let
real Hardass know
412
00:17:14,598 --> 00:17:16,426
we gave our son
to a kidnapper.
413
00:17:16,426 --> 00:17:17,949
I have an idea.
414
00:17:19,038 --> 00:17:21,736
Hello! I'm Stan...
Line?
415
00:17:21,736 --> 00:17:23,085
Smith.
- Smith.
416
00:17:23,085 --> 00:17:24,565
Come in.
417
00:17:27,698 --> 00:17:29,135
Did someone
just steal your car?
418
00:17:29,135 --> 00:17:32,573
As long as they don't steal
my precious boy.
419
00:17:32,573 --> 00:17:35,880
I like your attitude,
Mr. Smith.
420
00:17:35,880 --> 00:17:38,448
Where are we doing
- the exchange?
- We're not.
421
00:17:38,448 --> 00:17:41,277
Steve would never want us
to sacrifice the One Ring.
422
00:17:41,277 --> 00:17:44,063
So I traced the texts
to the kidnapper's hideout.
423
00:17:44,063 --> 00:17:45,716
We'll steal Steve back.
424
00:17:45,716 --> 00:17:47,588
I just don't get
who would do this.
425
00:17:47,588 --> 00:17:50,286
Who would want that ring
this badly?
426
00:17:58,077 --> 00:18:00,340
Dear God!
It's Elijah Wood.
427
00:18:00,340 --> 00:18:02,168
There's Sean Astin.
428
00:18:02,168 --> 00:18:03,647
Dominic Monaghan.
429
00:18:04,735 --> 00:18:07,999
Jack Hardass
is Billy Boyd.
430
00:18:07,999 --> 00:18:10,132
The Hobbits from
Lord of the Rings
431
00:18:10,132 --> 00:18:11,568
kidnapped Steve?
432
00:18:11,568 --> 00:18:14,049
Pernicious Boyd
has my precious boy,
433
00:18:14,049 --> 00:18:15,833
and he wants
my precious! Oy!
434
00:18:15,833 --> 00:18:17,922
Here's the plan.
I sneak in...
435
00:18:17,922 --> 00:18:19,446
Can't I sneak in
this time?
436
00:18:19,446 --> 00:18:21,491
You made Hayley and I
be the butlers.
437
00:18:21,491 --> 00:18:22,753
We should sneak in.
438
00:18:22,753 --> 00:18:23,972
I sneak in.
439
00:18:23,972 --> 00:18:25,974
- I sneak in.
- We sneak in.
440
00:18:29,020 --> 00:18:30,587
Argh!
441
00:18:30,587 --> 00:18:33,547
Oh, no!
Steve was right.
442
00:18:33,547 --> 00:18:37,116
Even when we try
to come together,
it's utter chaos.
443
00:18:37,116 --> 00:18:38,508
But maybe we could
444
00:18:38,508 --> 00:18:41,642
use that chaos
to our advantage?
445
00:18:43,078 --> 00:18:45,515
Why didn't you
just steal the Ring?
446
00:18:45,515 --> 00:18:47,735
I was so shocked
it was on his penis,
447
00:18:47,735 --> 00:18:49,650
I panicked
and stole his kid.
448
00:18:49,650 --> 00:18:51,521
This is a bad idea.
449
00:18:51,521 --> 00:18:52,957
You know the rules.
450
00:18:52,957 --> 00:18:56,004
On the set of Fellowship,
we swore an oath.
451
00:18:57,919 --> 00:19:01,009
To always support
each other's passion projects
452
00:19:01,009 --> 00:19:02,619
no matter what.
453
00:19:02,619 --> 00:19:05,796
And I need this ring so I can
sell it and use the profits
454
00:19:05,796 --> 00:19:09,104
to fund my new tequila brand
Casa Smeagol's.
455
00:19:15,154 --> 00:19:18,069
Hey, ol' Petey sent us
Beef Wellingtons.
456
00:19:18,069 --> 00:19:19,462
I'm starved.
457
00:19:19,462 --> 00:19:22,770
That family kept slapping food
out of my hands.
458
00:19:22,770 --> 00:19:26,121
Mmm! Mmm!
Mmm!
459
00:19:29,037 --> 00:19:31,866
Ooh, yeah! Ooh, yeah!
460
00:19:32,388 --> 00:19:33,824
Oh! Oh!
461
00:19:35,826 --> 00:19:37,393
Oh, yeah!
462
00:19:37,393 --> 00:19:40,353
We're all
getting erections!
463
00:19:40,353 --> 00:19:43,530
Who knew when I got
these for stargazing
464
00:19:43,530 --> 00:19:47,403
I'd be gazing at star
Billy Boyd's boner?
465
00:19:49,753 --> 00:19:52,452
I'm done joking.
Someone help me
out of this thing.
466
00:20:00,329 --> 00:20:01,504
Steve, you were right.
467
00:20:01,504 --> 00:20:04,246
We're so sorry
about how we acted.
468
00:20:04,246 --> 00:20:05,856
That's okay, guys.
469
00:20:05,856 --> 00:20:07,771
And I'm sorry I emptied
your college fund
470
00:20:07,771 --> 00:20:08,990
to buy the One Ring.
471
00:20:08,990 --> 00:20:11,471
You did what?
472
00:20:11,471 --> 00:20:12,863
He's demanding
to see Steve.
473
00:20:12,863 --> 00:20:14,387
He's heading up
to his bedroom.
474
00:20:14,387 --> 00:20:16,389
Stall him.
Just say something stupid,
475
00:20:16,389 --> 00:20:18,869
like, you've realized
family's everything.
476
00:20:18,869 --> 00:20:21,394
I learned to appreciate
my family.
477
00:20:21,394 --> 00:20:23,744
Oh, Mr. Smith,
that's wonderful.
478
00:20:32,970 --> 00:20:34,798
Just finishing up
my homework
479
00:20:34,798 --> 00:20:36,974
on the history
of burlap sacks.
480
00:20:38,149 --> 00:20:41,849
From fish to sticks,
they truly held it all.
481
00:20:43,416 --> 00:20:45,026
Precious as advertised.
482
00:20:46,897 --> 00:20:49,291
What a perfect family.
Good night.
483
00:20:53,426 --> 00:20:55,515
My precious family.
484
00:20:56,342 --> 00:20:57,995
Bye! Have a great time.