1 00:00:04,787 --> 00:00:06,963 Guys, I'm sorry my parents 2 00:00:06,963 --> 00:00:10,706 were blasting Steely Dan so loud during our sleepover. 3 00:00:10,706 --> 00:00:13,578 I've asked them a million times to play something current 4 00:00:13,578 --> 00:00:15,667 to cover the sounds of their lovemaking 5 00:00:15,667 --> 00:00:17,452 Like Soulja Boy! 6 00:00:17,452 --> 00:00:19,671 God, they're embarrassing. 7 00:00:19,671 --> 00:00:23,414 It's okay, Barry. Everyone's family can be embarrassing. 8 00:00:23,414 --> 00:00:26,200 My mom still cuts my sandwiches into hearts. 9 00:00:26,200 --> 00:00:30,769 I'm 15! My sandwiches should be shaped like lightning bolts! 10 00:00:30,769 --> 00:00:32,162 Tell me about it. 11 00:00:32,162 --> 00:00:33,859 The other day, I slipped in a puddle of lube 12 00:00:33,859 --> 00:00:36,601 my Uncle Roger spilled prepping for his orgy, 13 00:00:36,601 --> 00:00:39,387 and I slid into my sister's three-foot bong. 14 00:00:39,387 --> 00:00:42,172 Then my parents ran in dueling with these prop swords 15 00:00:42,172 --> 00:00:44,696 from Lord of the Rings my dad bought on eBay. 16 00:00:44,696 --> 00:00:47,525 My mom took a reckless orc-style swing at my dad, 17 00:00:47,525 --> 00:00:49,136 but sliced me instead. 18 00:00:49,136 --> 00:00:52,095 I bled and bled. 19 00:00:52,095 --> 00:00:54,489 Steve, your family sounds 20 00:00:54,489 --> 00:00:57,448 chaotic, unstable, unhealthy. 21 00:00:57,448 --> 00:01:00,538 Hey, Steve. I'm stealin' this to show porno at my orgy. 22 00:01:00,538 --> 00:01:01,844 Keep the homies horny. 23 00:01:01,844 --> 00:01:03,454 That's your uncle, right? 24 00:01:03,454 --> 00:01:06,153 Okay, so my family's a little unconventional. 25 00:01:06,153 --> 00:01:07,371 But when it really matters, 26 00:01:07,371 --> 00:01:09,112 we're always there for each other. 27 00:01:09,112 --> 00:01:10,766 Be careful sharing this stuff. 28 00:01:10,766 --> 00:01:13,247 Someone could report you to social services. 29 00:01:13,247 --> 00:01:16,424 Who'd report me? You guys? My best friends? 30 00:01:16,424 --> 00:01:18,426 Or, you, really cool new kid? 31 00:01:18,426 --> 00:01:21,559 So cool. I know I can trust you. 32 00:01:21,559 --> 00:01:23,996 Cowabunga! 33 00:01:23,996 --> 00:01:26,869 I've been told a disturbing story about your family 34 00:01:26,869 --> 00:01:29,132 from my undercover social services narc. 35 00:01:29,132 --> 00:01:30,916 Cowabunga! 36 00:01:30,916 --> 00:01:33,005 You? A narc? 37 00:01:33,005 --> 00:01:34,877 I'm sorry, but a social worker 38 00:01:34,877 --> 00:01:37,009 will need to make a home visit to the Smith house. 39 00:01:37,009 --> 00:01:38,141 Social worker? 40 00:01:38,141 --> 00:01:40,143 - Home visit? - Smith house? 41 00:01:40,143 --> 00:01:41,884 Cowabunga! 42 00:01:44,713 --> 00:01:47,629 ♪ Good morning, USA 43 00:01:47,629 --> 00:01:50,936 ♪ I got a feeling That it's gonna be A wonderful day 44 00:01:50,936 --> 00:01:54,070 ♪ The sun in the sky Has a smile on his face 45 00:01:54,070 --> 00:01:57,943 ♪ And he's shining a salute To the American race 46 00:02:00,555 --> 00:02:03,732 ♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say 47 00:02:03,732 --> 00:02:06,169 ♪ Good morning, USA 48 00:02:06,169 --> 00:02:07,257 Ah! 49 00:02:09,172 --> 00:02:11,696 ♪ Good morning, USA 50 00:02:14,482 --> 00:02:16,788 A social worker? Could they take Steve 51 00:02:16,788 --> 00:02:19,878 if they see something dangerous like swords lying around? 52 00:02:19,878 --> 00:02:22,838 Swords? Oh, you mean my Uruk-hai scimitars. 53 00:02:22,838 --> 00:02:25,014 These are investments. You wouldn't believe 54 00:02:25,014 --> 00:02:27,364 how much Lord of the Rings fans pay for this stuff. 55 00:02:27,364 --> 00:02:29,061 How much did you pay? 56 00:02:29,061 --> 00:02:30,411 An undisclosed amount. 57 00:02:30,411 --> 00:02:32,108 Here's my biggest investment yet, 58 00:02:32,108 --> 00:02:34,197 an extra-large One Ring 59 00:02:34,197 --> 00:02:36,112 used on set to create forced perspective. 60 00:02:37,200 --> 00:02:39,115 Don't worry, Hayley. 61 00:02:39,115 --> 00:02:41,465 Remember the last time a social worker came? 62 00:02:41,465 --> 00:02:43,554 When you were breastfeeding Steve at his high school? 63 00:02:43,554 --> 00:02:46,557 We just call social services, get Wendell again, 64 00:02:46,557 --> 00:02:48,516 and bribe his ass. 65 00:02:48,516 --> 00:02:50,039 Wendell was fired? 66 00:02:50,039 --> 00:02:51,910 Yes, for taking bribes. 67 00:02:51,910 --> 00:02:54,174 Yuck! We hate bribes. 68 00:02:54,174 --> 00:02:56,567 Around here, bribes are a big taboo. 69 00:02:57,699 --> 00:02:59,657 Hayley! Shh! Sorry about that. 70 00:02:59,657 --> 00:03:01,398 So if you could just send someone else 71 00:03:01,398 --> 00:03:03,183 easygoing, hates rules, 72 00:03:03,183 --> 00:03:04,401 is... Very bribable? 73 00:03:04,401 --> 00:03:05,533 Bribable works. 74 00:03:05,533 --> 00:03:07,491 We'll waive the taboo just this once. 75 00:03:07,491 --> 00:03:09,798 Says here the social worker visiting your home 76 00:03:09,798 --> 00:03:12,235 is Jack Hardass. 77 00:03:12,235 --> 00:03:13,802 Gonna mute ya for a sec. 78 00:03:14,933 --> 00:03:17,153 Jack Hardass? 79 00:03:17,153 --> 00:03:19,547 We're assuming his name is hilariously ironic 80 00:03:19,547 --> 00:03:22,289 because he's so nice and has a soft, jiggly booty? 81 00:03:22,289 --> 00:03:24,813 Jack Hardass is just like his name. 82 00:03:24,813 --> 00:03:26,641 Mother ! 83 00:03:26,641 --> 00:03:29,078 They're gonna take my precious boy! 84 00:03:30,862 --> 00:03:34,126 Heard about the precious boy. Got here as fast as I could. 85 00:03:34,126 --> 00:03:36,520 Stop. No one is taking me. 86 00:03:36,520 --> 00:03:38,435 Like I told Snot when he said our family 87 00:03:38,435 --> 00:03:41,090 was unstable, chaotic, unhealthy... 88 00:03:41,090 --> 00:03:42,439 That piece of shit. 89 00:03:42,439 --> 00:03:44,006 When it really counts, 90 00:03:44,006 --> 00:03:46,269 the Smiths are always there for each other. 91 00:03:46,269 --> 00:03:48,097 Snot is becoming a problem. 92 00:03:48,097 --> 00:03:49,229 One thing at a time. 93 00:03:49,229 --> 00:03:50,752 But just so we remember... 94 00:03:55,670 --> 00:03:59,021 Jack Hardass is coming tomorrow. We'll be ready. 95 00:03:59,021 --> 00:04:01,937 Social Service's Healthy Home Checklist, 96 00:04:01,937 --> 00:04:04,418 a.k.a. Hardass's Bible. 97 00:04:04,418 --> 00:04:07,421 "A home free of dangerous items." 98 00:04:07,421 --> 00:04:09,249 Like these swords, Stan. 99 00:04:09,249 --> 00:04:10,598 I've been talking to Buckle. 100 00:04:10,598 --> 00:04:12,904 He's gonna buy the One Ring off me tonight. 101 00:04:12,904 --> 00:04:14,515 I'll try to sell him the swords, too. 102 00:04:14,515 --> 00:04:17,648 "All content must be age-appropriate." 103 00:04:17,648 --> 00:04:19,128 So no sex stuff. 104 00:04:19,128 --> 00:04:21,261 Don't worry. I'm postponing my orgy 105 00:04:21,261 --> 00:04:23,088 and surrendering my sex drugs. 106 00:04:23,088 --> 00:04:25,395 Goodbye, horny-goat- weed-Viagra mix 107 00:04:25,395 --> 00:04:27,745 that can almost guarantee arousal. 108 00:04:27,745 --> 00:04:30,835 So long, remote for my Wireless Porno Rig. 109 00:04:30,835 --> 00:04:32,315 Careful. I disabled the off-button. 110 00:04:32,315 --> 00:04:35,013 So once it's on, it never stops playing porn. 111 00:04:35,013 --> 00:04:37,581 If you need me, I'll be hiding in the walls. 112 00:04:37,581 --> 00:04:39,148 No personas tomorrow. 113 00:04:39,148 --> 00:04:42,934 Mr. R, you'll be like Bruno from Disney's Encanto? 114 00:04:42,934 --> 00:04:44,980 You're right. What if I made the house 115 00:04:44,980 --> 00:04:47,548 magically come to life like in Encanto? 116 00:04:47,548 --> 00:04:50,333 Floorboards flappin' and clappin' like castanets. 117 00:04:50,333 --> 00:04:51,900 Silent in the walls will be fine. 118 00:04:51,900 --> 00:04:53,945 Now, to make sure we impress Hardass, 119 00:04:53,945 --> 00:04:56,339 I compiled a CIA dossier on him. 120 00:04:56,339 --> 00:04:58,254 Hardass has high-class tastes. 121 00:04:58,254 --> 00:05:01,213 Fancy food, fancy cats, fancy feast. 122 00:05:01,213 --> 00:05:04,434 So we'll serve him the fanciest dish of all time. 123 00:05:04,434 --> 00:05:06,218 Beef Wellington. 124 00:05:06,218 --> 00:05:07,655 Hayley and I can try making 125 00:05:07,655 --> 00:05:10,397 a practice Wellington tonight, Mr. S! 126 00:05:10,397 --> 00:05:12,355 And I'm adopting cats right now. 127 00:05:12,355 --> 00:05:15,227 But classy guys don't like seeing anything weird, 128 00:05:15,227 --> 00:05:16,664 so no talking fish. 129 00:05:16,664 --> 00:05:18,318 Anything for Steve. 130 00:05:18,318 --> 00:05:19,754 Hands in, everybody. 131 00:05:19,754 --> 00:05:21,582 For our precious boy. 132 00:05:21,582 --> 00:05:23,148 Whoo! 133 00:05:26,064 --> 00:05:28,545 Practice Wellington's looking good. 134 00:05:28,545 --> 00:05:30,373 Great. Now remember, Steve. 135 00:05:30,373 --> 00:05:33,768 All you gotta do is smile, look happy. 136 00:05:33,768 --> 00:05:36,597 Mediocre. Think Al Roker. 137 00:05:36,597 --> 00:05:38,729 Now give me Joker. 138 00:05:38,729 --> 00:05:41,166 That's a happy boy. 139 00:05:41,166 --> 00:05:42,690 I'm not willing to risk wrinkling 140 00:05:42,690 --> 00:05:44,300 any of my slacks before tomorrow. 141 00:05:44,300 --> 00:05:46,694 But what's that circular lump? 142 00:05:46,694 --> 00:05:49,261 My One Ring, stored in the place made specifically 143 00:05:49,261 --> 00:05:51,786 for a man's most valuable possessions, 144 00:05:51,786 --> 00:05:54,092 the little front pocket of his undies. 145 00:05:54,092 --> 00:05:55,311 Where should Jeff and I sit? 146 00:05:55,311 --> 00:05:57,313 Nowhere. You'll be our butlers. 147 00:05:57,313 --> 00:05:59,010 - Okay! - The hell you talkin' about? 148 00:05:59,010 --> 00:06:00,577 We need to project wealth. 149 00:06:00,577 --> 00:06:02,057 Same reason we built the dumbwaiter. 150 00:06:02,057 --> 00:06:03,667 Also because of your burp 151 00:06:03,667 --> 00:06:06,104 during the call with social services. 152 00:06:06,104 --> 00:06:09,543 A.k.a. "Burpgate." It was too crude. 153 00:06:09,543 --> 00:06:12,807 So we hired actors to play our new, classy, 154 00:06:12,807 --> 00:06:15,549 hardbodied Jeff and Hayley! 155 00:06:15,549 --> 00:06:17,855 What? Why are we being singled out? 156 00:06:17,855 --> 00:06:21,424 You're the one who got wild servals instead of normal cats. 157 00:06:23,600 --> 00:06:26,255 They seemed fancier. 158 00:06:26,255 --> 00:06:29,867 Maybe I'll put out a casting call for big-chinned dopes 159 00:06:29,867 --> 00:06:31,956 and pink-dressed idiots to replace you. 160 00:06:33,218 --> 00:06:34,263 Who could that be? 161 00:06:35,133 --> 00:06:37,484 Hello. I'm Jack Hardass. 162 00:06:38,789 --> 00:06:40,269 Jack Hardass? 163 00:06:40,269 --> 00:06:41,879 A night early? 164 00:06:41,879 --> 00:06:43,794 Stan, you said you wrote the date 165 00:06:43,794 --> 00:06:45,796 in your most important calendar. 166 00:06:45,796 --> 00:06:47,319 Most valuable calendar. 167 00:06:47,319 --> 00:06:49,321 From the release of Fellowship of the Ring. 168 00:06:49,321 --> 00:06:52,324 That's from when the movie came out in 2001. 169 00:06:52,324 --> 00:06:53,804 The dates are all off. 170 00:06:53,804 --> 00:06:55,066 Uh, what do we do? 171 00:06:55,066 --> 00:06:57,329 We'll just have to impress Hardass tonight. 172 00:06:57,329 --> 00:06:59,593 Do you think he noticed - I wasn't wearing pants? - Yes. 173 00:06:59,593 --> 00:07:00,942 - Oh, yeah. - Hundred percent. 174 00:07:00,942 --> 00:07:03,161 Hmm. Well, then I didn't shave for nothing. 175 00:07:04,380 --> 00:07:06,643 The social worker's here. We're not ready 176 00:07:06,643 --> 00:07:08,210 and it's all your fault, Stan. 177 00:07:08,210 --> 00:07:09,820 Who writes down an important date 178 00:07:09,820 --> 00:07:11,953 in a calendar from 2001? 179 00:07:11,953 --> 00:07:13,998 A lot of people in 2001 did. 180 00:07:16,000 --> 00:07:18,002 Steve's a goner because of you two. 181 00:07:18,002 --> 00:07:20,178 You deserve to be the stupid... 182 00:07:20,178 --> 00:07:22,659 Butt-lers! 183 00:07:22,659 --> 00:07:24,618 I'mma drop you like a bad Hobbit. 184 00:07:24,618 --> 00:07:25,880 Come on. 185 00:07:25,880 --> 00:07:28,448 You said you could do this for me 186 00:07:28,448 --> 00:07:29,884 and I believe in you. 187 00:07:29,884 --> 00:07:32,060 Let's be there for each other, Smiths. 188 00:07:32,060 --> 00:07:34,105 - I'll hide the swords. - I'll hide the servals. 189 00:07:34,105 --> 00:07:35,629 I got the sex drugs. 190 00:07:42,940 --> 00:07:44,638 Butler Hayley, get the door. 191 00:07:44,638 --> 00:07:47,684 A final touch of class, the Roomba. 192 00:07:47,684 --> 00:07:50,382 Remember, Steve, just keep smiling. 193 00:07:52,254 --> 00:07:53,647 You rang? 194 00:07:53,647 --> 00:07:55,126 I knocked. 195 00:07:55,126 --> 00:07:57,085 For ten minutes. 196 00:07:57,085 --> 00:07:58,521 Sorry. I couldn't find my pants. 197 00:07:58,521 --> 00:07:59,914 But you probably didn't even notice. 198 00:07:59,914 --> 00:08:03,439 I noticed. And made a note. 199 00:08:03,439 --> 00:08:05,441 Um, let's meet the family. 200 00:08:05,441 --> 00:08:07,225 My beautiful wife, Francine. 201 00:08:07,225 --> 00:08:09,097 My burp-free daughter, Hayley. 202 00:08:09,097 --> 00:08:11,621 Her husband, Jeff, who is very stupid. 203 00:08:11,621 --> 00:08:13,754 These are our butlers, who should go serve 204 00:08:13,754 --> 00:08:15,495 the practice Wellingtons. 205 00:08:16,626 --> 00:08:17,888 Dinner is almost ready. 206 00:08:17,888 --> 00:08:20,108 We're having beef Wellington, as usual. 207 00:08:20,108 --> 00:08:23,677 Why a practice Wellington? 208 00:08:23,677 --> 00:08:26,984 Because practice Wellington makes perfect Wellington. 209 00:08:26,984 --> 00:08:28,812 This is the famous Steve. 210 00:08:28,812 --> 00:08:32,163 May I take your coat, Mr. Hardass? 211 00:08:32,163 --> 00:08:34,688 Go, go, Encanto magic coat hook. 212 00:08:35,602 --> 00:08:36,907 Shh! 213 00:08:38,779 --> 00:08:40,128 So we're not bothered 214 00:08:40,128 --> 00:08:41,738 by the hustle and bustle in the kitchen. 215 00:08:41,738 --> 00:08:42,826 Care for a drink? 216 00:08:42,826 --> 00:08:44,915 Iced tea, please. 217 00:08:44,915 --> 00:08:47,527 A wonderful choice, Mr. Hardass. 218 00:08:48,919 --> 00:08:51,052 They ate the practice Wellingtons. 219 00:08:51,052 --> 00:08:52,357 Make new ones. 220 00:08:54,055 --> 00:08:55,622 Get the servals out of there now. 221 00:08:55,622 --> 00:08:57,580 You, go help with dinner. 222 00:08:57,580 --> 00:08:59,408 Please, Mr. Hardass, take a seat. 223 00:08:59,408 --> 00:09:00,801 Dinner won't be for a while. 224 00:09:00,801 --> 00:09:04,021 You said it was "almost ready." 225 00:09:04,021 --> 00:09:06,894 H-He said it was all moist and ruddy, 226 00:09:06,894 --> 00:09:08,896 which is how he refers to raw meat. 227 00:09:13,161 --> 00:09:15,337 Just some roaming degenerates. 228 00:09:15,337 --> 00:09:17,295 Not around my precious boy. 229 00:09:17,295 --> 00:09:19,210 Now, excuse me. I'm gonna get some fresh air. 230 00:09:19,210 --> 00:09:20,690 And my iced tea? 231 00:09:20,690 --> 00:09:23,432 Did I say "fresh air"? I meant "fresh mint." 232 00:09:23,432 --> 00:09:25,695 For your iced tea. 233 00:09:25,695 --> 00:09:27,828 We're here for Hayley Smith's casting call 234 00:09:27,828 --> 00:09:30,004 for big-chinned dopes and pink-dressed idiots. 235 00:09:30,004 --> 00:09:31,745 What? Well, you have to leave. 236 00:09:31,745 --> 00:09:33,355 Not until we get an audition. 237 00:09:33,355 --> 00:09:35,313 We're desperate local actors. 238 00:09:36,401 --> 00:09:39,535 Steve, do you ever feel unsafe? 239 00:09:40,667 --> 00:09:42,103 Schwing! Oh! 240 00:09:42,103 --> 00:09:44,627 Did your fish just say "schwing"? 241 00:09:44,627 --> 00:09:46,063 Hmm? 242 00:09:46,063 --> 00:09:47,325 Ahhh! 243 00:09:47,325 --> 00:09:49,850 Let's watch some educational TV. 244 00:09:49,850 --> 00:09:52,504 Ooh, yeah! Ooh, yeah! WOMAN: Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! 245 00:09:52,504 --> 00:09:56,857 I can hear something, but I'm not seeing the picture. 246 00:09:56,857 --> 00:09:58,641 Oh, yeah! 247 00:09:59,599 --> 00:10:01,818 I'll check on that iced tea. 248 00:10:03,124 --> 00:10:04,647 It won't turn off. 249 00:10:04,647 --> 00:10:06,344 This'll muffle it. 250 00:10:06,344 --> 00:10:07,868 We made new Wellingtons 251 00:10:07,868 --> 00:10:10,392 with graham crackers, flour, and hamburger meat. 252 00:10:10,392 --> 00:10:11,741 Iced tea's ready. 253 00:10:11,741 --> 00:10:13,961 You almost screwed us hiring those actors, Hayley. 254 00:10:13,961 --> 00:10:15,963 Luckily, I thought of hiding them in the basement. 255 00:10:15,963 --> 00:10:18,095 I hid the servals in the basement. 256 00:10:20,054 --> 00:10:21,708 They're only local actors. 257 00:10:21,708 --> 00:10:23,623 If we're all in here, 258 00:10:23,623 --> 00:10:25,450 then who's with Hardass? 259 00:10:25,450 --> 00:10:28,584 ♪ On the good ship Rogupop 260 00:10:28,584 --> 00:10:29,803 ♪ It's a sweet... 261 00:10:29,803 --> 00:10:31,587 Rogu, shoo! 262 00:10:31,587 --> 00:10:33,633 I'm afraid I have no explanation for that. 263 00:10:33,633 --> 00:10:34,851 But I do have your tea. 264 00:10:34,851 --> 00:10:36,853 I'm not seeing the fresh mint. 265 00:10:36,853 --> 00:10:39,203 Ahhh! Mint! The man wants mint. 266 00:10:39,203 --> 00:10:40,335 On it. 267 00:10:40,335 --> 00:10:43,338 Oh, God! Hardass is gonna take me away. 268 00:10:43,338 --> 00:10:46,036 Mmm, the only thing Hardass is taking away 269 00:10:46,036 --> 00:10:49,431 is the takeaway that we make great Wellington. 270 00:10:49,431 --> 00:10:51,128 Mmm. Now bring it upstairs 271 00:10:51,128 --> 00:10:54,218 so it can come down the dumbwaiter. 272 00:10:54,218 --> 00:10:56,438 Nice save. Where'd you get the mint? 273 00:10:56,438 --> 00:10:58,570 From the edge of the woods. 274 00:10:58,570 --> 00:10:59,833 Edge of the woods? 275 00:10:59,833 --> 00:11:01,791 That's not mint. It's poison ivy. 276 00:11:02,662 --> 00:11:04,664 Dinner's ready. 277 00:11:04,664 --> 00:11:07,754 Some water for you, Mr. Ass. 278 00:11:07,754 --> 00:11:09,712 Good news. The servals are upstairs. 279 00:11:09,712 --> 00:11:12,672 Bad news, the actors in the basement are begging for food. 280 00:11:12,672 --> 00:11:14,761 I've heard you have 281 00:11:14,761 --> 00:11:17,633 Lord of the Rings weapons in the house? 282 00:11:17,633 --> 00:11:19,983 Hmm. Doesn't "ring" a bell. 283 00:11:19,983 --> 00:11:21,681 Sounds like a good investment, though. 284 00:11:21,681 --> 00:11:22,812 I'm sorry. 285 00:11:22,812 --> 00:11:24,727 Weapons from Lord of the Rings 286 00:11:24,727 --> 00:11:27,687 are a good investment? 287 00:11:27,687 --> 00:11:29,993 Yeah, people will pay a fortune for movie props. 288 00:11:29,993 --> 00:11:31,386 I know I did... Would. 289 00:11:31,386 --> 00:11:32,953 What Stan means is 290 00:11:32,953 --> 00:11:36,173 Lord of the Rings talk is forbidden here. 291 00:11:36,173 --> 00:11:39,481 Or as the great forest elves of Mirkwood say... 292 00:11:39,481 --> 00:11:41,439 "Avanwa..." 293 00:11:41,439 --> 00:11:43,528 Mr. Smith, are you crying? 294 00:11:43,528 --> 00:11:46,270 I just love my boy so much. 295 00:11:49,099 --> 00:11:51,362 I'm here to buy the Ring. 296 00:11:51,362 --> 00:11:53,538 Lord of the Rings is forbidden. Go away. 297 00:11:53,538 --> 00:11:56,019 I'm back as if nothing happened. 298 00:11:56,019 --> 00:11:58,543 Stan, I was just insisting 299 00:11:58,543 --> 00:12:01,503 we show Mr. Hardass Steve's college fund. 300 00:12:01,503 --> 00:12:06,290 It's so full, the boys at Schwab say it's a modern marvel. 301 00:12:06,290 --> 00:12:07,378 Gah! 302 00:12:07,378 --> 00:12:10,077 Oh, no! The Roomba's stuck. 303 00:12:10,077 --> 00:12:13,167 He can't see the college fund. I used it to buy the One Ring. 304 00:12:13,167 --> 00:12:15,299 Is everything okay down there? 305 00:12:15,299 --> 00:12:16,997 Just sell the Ring to Buckle 306 00:12:16,997 --> 00:12:19,260 and get that money back in the account so we can show him. 307 00:12:19,260 --> 00:12:20,522 I sent Buckle away. 308 00:12:20,522 --> 00:12:21,784 Unsend him away. 309 00:12:23,525 --> 00:12:26,049 Stupid thing got stuck on a crumb. Heh. 310 00:12:26,049 --> 00:12:28,530 Gotta go call the manufacturer. 311 00:12:28,530 --> 00:12:32,926 Can I ask you about that small gray person? 312 00:12:32,926 --> 00:12:35,276 I'm afraid I have no explanation for that. 313 00:12:35,276 --> 00:12:36,668 Sorry I yelled at you. 314 00:12:36,668 --> 00:12:39,149 I got possessed by greed, much like Smeagol. 315 00:12:39,149 --> 00:12:40,890 The Ring is that legit. 316 00:12:40,890 --> 00:12:42,587 Send in the Wellington. 317 00:12:47,418 --> 00:12:48,811 I need to see you in the kitchen right now. 318 00:12:48,811 --> 00:12:50,857 Mrs. Smith, your glass. 319 00:12:50,857 --> 00:12:52,684 Oh! What are you doing? 320 00:12:52,684 --> 00:12:55,035 Please excuse me. I need to go, uh... 321 00:12:55,035 --> 00:12:58,342 Let's see. Something normal. Something normal. 322 00:12:58,342 --> 00:12:59,822 Spank my lady butler! 323 00:12:59,822 --> 00:13:00,910 Schwing! 324 00:13:00,910 --> 00:13:02,346 There it is again! 325 00:13:03,739 --> 00:13:06,002 We can't serve - the Beef Wellington! - Why not? 326 00:13:06,002 --> 00:13:08,657 Jeff used this instead of flour. 327 00:13:08,657 --> 00:13:11,225 It's chaos out there. What is going on? 328 00:13:11,225 --> 00:13:14,837 The Beef Wellington is filled with Roger's sex drugs. 329 00:13:14,837 --> 00:13:16,839 Oh, my God. 330 00:13:16,839 --> 00:13:18,667 The Roomba got stuck under it. 331 00:13:18,667 --> 00:13:20,147 Where the hell is Dad? 332 00:13:20,147 --> 00:13:23,715 Mr. S ate so much Sex Wellington! 333 00:13:23,715 --> 00:13:26,675 Since we both bank with Schwab, you can instantly transfer 334 00:13:26,675 --> 00:13:28,416 the $25,000 to my account. 335 00:13:28,416 --> 00:13:31,506 But first I need to see the Ring. 336 00:13:31,506 --> 00:13:33,247 One sec. Let me retrieve it. 337 00:13:33,247 --> 00:13:36,076 Stan! 338 00:13:36,076 --> 00:13:39,427 All the Beef Wellington you ate was dosed with Viagra. 339 00:13:39,427 --> 00:13:42,909 Not ideal, but we should be okay as long as nothing arouses me. 340 00:13:42,909 --> 00:13:45,737 Oh! All over my glasses! 341 00:13:49,916 --> 00:13:51,395 Ow! Ugh! 342 00:13:51,395 --> 00:13:53,006 Big boner. So what? 343 00:13:53,006 --> 00:13:55,312 During the engorgement, the One Ring 344 00:13:55,312 --> 00:13:57,793 slid out of its pocket and got stuck 345 00:13:57,793 --> 00:14:00,056 on my Eye of Sauron! 346 00:14:00,056 --> 00:14:02,667 So, uh, how long have you two known each other? 347 00:14:02,667 --> 00:14:04,017 We just met today. 348 00:14:04,017 --> 00:14:05,845 That's a fast marriage. 349 00:14:05,845 --> 00:14:09,109 Oh, my God. This Wellington is orgasmic. 350 00:14:09,109 --> 00:14:10,980 Mmm! Mmm! 351 00:14:15,898 --> 00:14:16,986 Food! 352 00:14:22,122 --> 00:14:26,474 Bad butler! We'll clean you up in the bathroom. 353 00:14:26,474 --> 00:14:29,477 A little Encanto will save the day. 354 00:14:29,477 --> 00:14:31,958 Go, go, Encanto magic toilet! 355 00:14:34,525 --> 00:14:35,787 Oh, God! Oh, God! 356 00:14:36,701 --> 00:14:39,139 Mrs. S, the actors in the basement 357 00:14:39,139 --> 00:14:40,923 are horny from the Wellington 358 00:14:40,923 --> 00:14:43,056 and they're climbing up the dumbwaiter to your bedroom! 359 00:14:43,056 --> 00:14:44,100 I'm busy! 360 00:14:45,101 --> 00:14:47,234 The bathroom is just in here. 361 00:14:49,236 --> 00:14:51,803 I can show you the Ring, but it has to be in private. 362 00:14:53,544 --> 00:14:56,199 Not in there. In here. 363 00:14:58,462 --> 00:15:00,073 My daughter's having sex in there. 364 00:15:02,858 --> 00:15:04,555 I'm having sex in there. 365 00:15:04,555 --> 00:15:06,296 Screw this, I'm leaving. 366 00:15:06,296 --> 00:15:08,168 Wait, I can show you in here. 367 00:15:08,168 --> 00:15:10,300 Don't worry about the bathroom. 368 00:15:10,300 --> 00:15:12,346 Because I've seen enough. 369 00:15:12,346 --> 00:15:14,522 Please don't take Steve away. 370 00:15:15,610 --> 00:15:17,699 Take Steve? 371 00:15:17,699 --> 00:15:21,137 It's not against the law to have a dinner go badly. 372 00:15:21,137 --> 00:15:23,444 What I really care about is the boy. 373 00:15:23,444 --> 00:15:25,620 And he was smiling all night. 374 00:15:27,491 --> 00:15:30,799 What's healthier than smiling all the time no matter what? 375 00:15:30,799 --> 00:15:32,801 Now I must be going. 376 00:15:32,801 --> 00:15:34,759 It's elven tradition to view the Ring 377 00:15:34,759 --> 00:15:36,544 only through this hole I made. 378 00:15:39,590 --> 00:15:40,765 I believe I see 379 00:15:40,765 --> 00:15:43,899 one of Peter Jackson's curly beard hairs. 380 00:15:43,899 --> 00:15:45,640 Not included. 381 00:15:45,640 --> 00:15:47,294 Good night, Mr. Smith. 382 00:15:51,254 --> 00:15:53,126 We did it, everybody. 383 00:15:54,866 --> 00:15:56,694 Oh, sorry. Forgot my... 384 00:15:56,694 --> 00:15:58,653 ...coat. 385 00:15:58,653 --> 00:16:01,134 Something's wrong with your toilet. 386 00:16:01,134 --> 00:16:05,268 Ooh, yeah! Ooh, yeah! Oh! 387 00:16:05,877 --> 00:16:07,618 Wild cats. 388 00:16:07,618 --> 00:16:10,795 Pornos. Toilet man. 389 00:16:12,754 --> 00:16:15,409 A high-end... Penis dealer? 390 00:16:15,409 --> 00:16:17,150 It's not what it looks like. 391 00:16:17,150 --> 00:16:20,109 And a talking fish. 392 00:16:20,109 --> 00:16:22,242 I've changed my assessment. 393 00:16:22,242 --> 00:16:24,113 I'm taking the boy. 394 00:16:24,113 --> 00:16:25,506 - No! - Please! 395 00:16:25,506 --> 00:16:27,203 - We can do better! - We'll get rid of the fish! 396 00:16:27,203 --> 00:16:28,900 You know what? I'm ready to go. 397 00:16:28,900 --> 00:16:32,295 All we had to do was get our act together for one night. 398 00:16:32,295 --> 00:16:34,428 You know who does have their act together? 399 00:16:34,428 --> 00:16:36,125 The foster-care system. 400 00:16:36,125 --> 00:16:37,605 Let's go, Hardass. 401 00:16:42,044 --> 00:16:44,307 Great. Now I've lost two things. 402 00:16:49,269 --> 00:16:52,054 I can't believe Steve is gone! 403 00:16:55,275 --> 00:16:57,233 Hi. I'm Jack Hardass. 404 00:16:57,233 --> 00:16:59,279 Jack Hardass? 405 00:16:59,279 --> 00:17:01,977 This guy had an official lanyard. 406 00:17:01,977 --> 00:17:03,457 He's the real Hardass. 407 00:17:03,457 --> 00:17:05,850 Then who's that guy who took Steve? 408 00:17:05,850 --> 00:17:06,982 A kidnapper. 409 00:17:06,982 --> 00:17:08,679 And a financially savvy one at that. 410 00:17:08,679 --> 00:17:11,160 He wants to exchange the boy for this. 411 00:17:11,160 --> 00:17:14,598 - We have to go save him. - But we can't let real Hardass know 412 00:17:14,598 --> 00:17:16,426 we gave our son to a kidnapper. 413 00:17:16,426 --> 00:17:17,949 I have an idea. 414 00:17:19,038 --> 00:17:21,736 Hello! I'm Stan... Line? 415 00:17:21,736 --> 00:17:23,085 Smith. - Smith. 416 00:17:23,085 --> 00:17:24,565 Come in. 417 00:17:27,698 --> 00:17:29,135 Did someone just steal your car? 418 00:17:29,135 --> 00:17:32,573 As long as they don't steal my precious boy. 419 00:17:32,573 --> 00:17:35,880 I like your attitude, Mr. Smith. 420 00:17:35,880 --> 00:17:38,448 Where are we doing - the exchange? - We're not. 421 00:17:38,448 --> 00:17:41,277 Steve would never want us to sacrifice the One Ring. 422 00:17:41,277 --> 00:17:44,063 So I traced the texts to the kidnapper's hideout. 423 00:17:44,063 --> 00:17:45,716 We'll steal Steve back. 424 00:17:45,716 --> 00:17:47,588 I just don't get who would do this. 425 00:17:47,588 --> 00:17:50,286 Who would want that ring this badly? 426 00:17:58,077 --> 00:18:00,340 Dear God! It's Elijah Wood. 427 00:18:00,340 --> 00:18:02,168 There's Sean Astin. 428 00:18:02,168 --> 00:18:03,647 Dominic Monaghan. 429 00:18:04,735 --> 00:18:07,999 Jack Hardass is Billy Boyd. 430 00:18:07,999 --> 00:18:10,132 The Hobbits from Lord of the Rings 431 00:18:10,132 --> 00:18:11,568 kidnapped Steve? 432 00:18:11,568 --> 00:18:14,049 Pernicious Boyd has my precious boy, 433 00:18:14,049 --> 00:18:15,833 and he wants my precious! Oy! 434 00:18:15,833 --> 00:18:17,922 Here's the plan. I sneak in... 435 00:18:17,922 --> 00:18:19,446 Can't I sneak in this time? 436 00:18:19,446 --> 00:18:21,491 You made Hayley and I be the butlers. 437 00:18:21,491 --> 00:18:22,753 We should sneak in. 438 00:18:22,753 --> 00:18:23,972 I sneak in. 439 00:18:23,972 --> 00:18:25,974 - I sneak in. - We sneak in. 440 00:18:29,020 --> 00:18:30,587 Argh! 441 00:18:30,587 --> 00:18:33,547 Oh, no! Steve was right. 442 00:18:33,547 --> 00:18:37,116 Even when we try to come together, it's utter chaos. 443 00:18:37,116 --> 00:18:38,508 But maybe we could 444 00:18:38,508 --> 00:18:41,642 use that chaos to our advantage? 445 00:18:43,078 --> 00:18:45,515 Why didn't you just steal the Ring? 446 00:18:45,515 --> 00:18:47,735 I was so shocked it was on his penis, 447 00:18:47,735 --> 00:18:49,650 I panicked and stole his kid. 448 00:18:49,650 --> 00:18:51,521 This is a bad idea. 449 00:18:51,521 --> 00:18:52,957 You know the rules. 450 00:18:52,957 --> 00:18:56,004 On the set of Fellowship, we swore an oath. 451 00:18:57,919 --> 00:19:01,009 To always support each other's passion projects 452 00:19:01,009 --> 00:19:02,619 no matter what. 453 00:19:02,619 --> 00:19:05,796 And I need this ring so I can sell it and use the profits 454 00:19:05,796 --> 00:19:09,104 to fund my new tequila brand Casa Smeagol's. 455 00:19:15,154 --> 00:19:18,069 Hey, ol' Petey sent us Beef Wellingtons. 456 00:19:18,069 --> 00:19:19,462 I'm starved. 457 00:19:19,462 --> 00:19:22,770 That family kept slapping food out of my hands. 458 00:19:22,770 --> 00:19:26,121 Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! 459 00:19:29,037 --> 00:19:31,866 Ooh, yeah! Ooh, yeah! 460 00:19:32,388 --> 00:19:33,824 Oh! Oh! 461 00:19:35,826 --> 00:19:37,393 Oh, yeah! 462 00:19:37,393 --> 00:19:40,353 We're all getting erections! 463 00:19:40,353 --> 00:19:43,530 Who knew when I got these for stargazing 464 00:19:43,530 --> 00:19:47,403 I'd be gazing at star Billy Boyd's boner? 465 00:19:49,753 --> 00:19:52,452 I'm done joking. Someone help me out of this thing. 466 00:20:00,329 --> 00:20:01,504 Steve, you were right. 467 00:20:01,504 --> 00:20:04,246 We're so sorry about how we acted. 468 00:20:04,246 --> 00:20:05,856 That's okay, guys. 469 00:20:05,856 --> 00:20:07,771 And I'm sorry I emptied your college fund 470 00:20:07,771 --> 00:20:08,990 to buy the One Ring. 471 00:20:08,990 --> 00:20:11,471 You did what? 472 00:20:11,471 --> 00:20:12,863 He's demanding to see Steve. 473 00:20:12,863 --> 00:20:14,387 He's heading up to his bedroom. 474 00:20:14,387 --> 00:20:16,389 Stall him. Just say something stupid, 475 00:20:16,389 --> 00:20:18,869 like, you've realized family's everything. 476 00:20:18,869 --> 00:20:21,394 I learned to appreciate my family. 477 00:20:21,394 --> 00:20:23,744 Oh, Mr. Smith, that's wonderful. 478 00:20:32,970 --> 00:20:34,798 Just finishing up my homework 479 00:20:34,798 --> 00:20:36,974 on the history of burlap sacks. 480 00:20:38,149 --> 00:20:41,849 From fish to sticks, they truly held it all. 481 00:20:43,416 --> 00:20:45,026 Precious as advertised. 482 00:20:46,897 --> 00:20:49,291 What a perfect family. Good night. 483 00:20:53,426 --> 00:20:55,515 My precious family. 484 00:20:56,342 --> 00:20:57,995 Bye! Have a great time.