1
00:00:01,305 --> 00:00:03,829
[wind whistling]
2
00:00:03,829 --> 00:00:05,309
[beeping]
3
00:00:05,309 --> 00:00:08,530
Oh! The Smiths are back from
their trip in 20 minutes.
4
00:00:08,530 --> 00:00:11,185
Plenty of time
for finishing touches.
5
00:00:12,882 --> 00:00:15,015
[instrumental music playing]
6
00:00:32,206 --> 00:00:34,382
I can't wait 'til they see this!
7
00:00:34,382 --> 00:00:36,514
- You're back!
- From hell!
8
00:00:36,514 --> 00:00:38,429
Our trip
to Gettysburg sucked!
9
00:00:38,429 --> 00:00:40,997
I mean, I love war,
but mix it up a little.
10
00:00:40,997 --> 00:00:43,173
Gimme a beach
or a pumpkin patch, something!
11
00:00:43,173 --> 00:00:47,003
And the place was a dump,
littered with cannons!
12
00:00:47,003 --> 00:00:48,613
The wind was relentless!
13
00:00:48,613 --> 00:00:49,962
Not a single coconut.
14
00:00:49,962 --> 00:00:51,877
You couldn't get
a pina colada anywhere!
15
00:00:51,877 --> 00:00:53,357
Took us
forever to get there.
16
00:00:53,357 --> 00:00:55,664
Why couldn't they fight
their war closer to the highway?
17
00:00:55,664 --> 00:00:58,362
I thought Gettysburg
would be relaxing,
18
00:00:58,362 --> 00:00:59,755
but they just bombard you
19
00:00:59,755 --> 00:01:02,410
with all these facts
about things that happened.
20
00:01:02,410 --> 00:01:04,281
You know, I was half
expecting you
21
00:01:04,281 --> 00:01:05,891
to screw up the house
in four score
22
00:01:05,891 --> 00:01:08,111
and seven ways,
but it looks great.
23
00:01:08,111 --> 00:01:11,723
And roses?
My favorite old lady smell!
24
00:01:11,723 --> 00:01:13,899
I'm so happy
you like it.
25
00:01:13,899 --> 00:01:15,031
[Jeff] Wait.
26
00:01:15,031 --> 00:01:18,078
Is this a different
[bleep] frame?
27
00:01:18,078 --> 00:01:19,992
Ah, yes.
Jurgen was over.
28
00:01:19,992 --> 00:01:22,125
He bumped into the old one,
and it broke.
29
00:01:22,125 --> 00:01:23,561
- [all gasp]
- He what?
30
00:01:23,561 --> 00:01:24,649
Not the frame!
31
00:01:24,649 --> 00:01:27,043
So, you just replaced it?
32
00:01:27,043 --> 00:01:28,392
And didn't say anything?
33
00:01:28,392 --> 00:01:30,699
But it was just the cheap
cardboard one
34
00:01:30,699 --> 00:01:32,353
they give you
with the photo.
35
00:01:32,353 --> 00:01:33,615
So I bought you a new one,
36
00:01:33,615 --> 00:01:36,574
a nicer one,
from World Market.
37
00:01:36,574 --> 00:01:39,447
Nice is your style.
Not our style.
38
00:01:39,447 --> 00:01:43,364
But the photograph is fine, and
that's what's important, right?
39
00:01:43,364 --> 00:01:44,756
The photo is nothing!
40
00:01:44,756 --> 00:01:46,454
It was the frame that held
all our memories!
41
00:01:46,454 --> 00:01:48,760
Remember the blood stains
on it from when Dad
42
00:01:48,760 --> 00:01:51,241
challenged the Hula dancer
to five-finger fillet?
43
00:01:51,241 --> 00:01:53,156
[all] Aww.
44
00:01:53,156 --> 00:01:56,855
We trusted you with our bloody,
mass-produced cardboard frame,
45
00:01:56,855 --> 00:01:59,641
and you replace it
with something artisan?
46
00:01:59,641 --> 00:02:01,425
Do you know
what they would do
47
00:02:01,425 --> 00:02:03,123
to someone like you
in the Civil War?
48
00:02:03,123 --> 00:02:06,561
I don't recall because I was
enjoying Jagermeister in the car
49
00:02:06,561 --> 00:02:08,650
during the corporal
punishment reenactment.
50
00:02:08,650 --> 00:02:12,349
But I'm guessing it
was unpleasant.
51
00:02:12,349 --> 00:02:14,221
[theme song playing]
52
00:02:15,265 --> 00:02:18,050
♪ Good morning, USA
53
00:02:18,050 --> 00:02:21,402
♪ I got a feeling
That it's gonna be
A wonderful day ♪
54
00:02:21,402 --> 00:02:24,492
♪ The sun in the sky
Has a smile on his face ♪
55
00:02:24,492 --> 00:02:28,844
♪ And he's shinin' a salute
To the American race ♪
56
00:02:30,933 --> 00:02:34,284
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say
57
00:02:34,284 --> 00:02:37,026
♪ Good morning, USA
58
00:02:37,026 --> 00:02:38,158
[Roger] Ah!
59
00:02:39,202 --> 00:02:42,379
[chorus]
♪ Good morning, U.S.A.
60
00:02:42,379 --> 00:02:43,641
[wind whistling]
61
00:02:43,641 --> 00:02:46,862
Wow.
We truly live in windy times.
62
00:02:48,080 --> 00:02:52,694
Are you all really still upset
about the family photo?
63
00:02:52,694 --> 00:02:53,999
Family photo?
64
00:02:53,999 --> 00:02:57,002
- The frame!
- Oh, God, the frame!
65
00:02:57,002 --> 00:02:59,440
- Yes, I feel sick.
- We all do.
66
00:02:59,440 --> 00:03:01,616
I wish we could go
on a good trip now
67
00:03:01,616 --> 00:03:02,921
to forget about the frame.
68
00:03:02,921 --> 00:03:05,533
I can't, I've used all
my P.T.O. days.
69
00:03:05,533 --> 00:03:07,491
You don't get
unlimited P.T.O.?
70
00:03:07,491 --> 00:03:09,058
Where do you work, a gulag?
71
00:03:09,058 --> 00:03:11,408
That's low key messed up,
Mr. S.
72
00:03:11,408 --> 00:03:14,411
I'm gonna figure out how to
get us a do-over vacation.
73
00:03:14,411 --> 00:03:15,673
Here's what I'm thinking.
74
00:03:15,673 --> 00:03:17,980
Spirit Airlines,
4:00 a.m. flight,
75
00:03:17,980 --> 00:03:20,243
Christmas Eve, destination--
76
00:03:20,243 --> 00:03:21,766
North Korea.
77
00:03:21,766 --> 00:03:23,768
[wind whistling]
78
00:03:23,768 --> 00:03:25,901
[Bullock] Over the last
three months,
79
00:03:25,901 --> 00:03:27,859
windstorms around the globe
80
00:03:27,859 --> 00:03:30,166
have been growing
in frequency and magnitude.
81
00:03:30,166 --> 00:03:35,998
So I brought in an expert.
Gust Breezer, wind theorist.
82
00:03:35,998 --> 00:03:39,480
Oh, so this is how
he's getting us a vacation.
83
00:03:39,480 --> 00:03:41,264
Sorry, Stan,
did you say something?
84
00:03:41,264 --> 00:03:43,005
Oh, no, it's nothing.
85
00:03:43,005 --> 00:03:45,050
You've been looking to science
for answers,
86
00:03:45,050 --> 00:03:47,183
but science can't explain wind.
87
00:03:47,183 --> 00:03:49,838
We need to look, instead,
to history,
88
00:03:49,838 --> 00:03:51,318
the opposite of science.
89
00:03:51,318 --> 00:03:54,146
The Mayans, the Babylonians,
all ancient cultures
90
00:03:54,146 --> 00:03:56,366
had myths to explain
the source of the wind.
91
00:03:56,366 --> 00:04:00,109
All of them easily debunked
by the granddaddy of them all,
92
00:04:00,109 --> 00:04:01,589
the Sumerian idea,
93
00:04:01,589 --> 00:04:04,722
"There's a Giant In the Ocean
That Controls The Wind."
94
00:04:04,722 --> 00:04:08,117
Pfft! This whack-job calls
himself a wind theorist?
95
00:04:08,117 --> 00:04:11,555
This is not how we treat
a guest speaker!
96
00:04:11,555 --> 00:04:13,731
Dick, I'd fire you
for disrespecting
97
00:04:13,731 --> 00:04:15,255
this totally
legitimate theory.
98
00:04:15,255 --> 00:04:17,996
But I'm pretty sure
I report to you. Do I?
99
00:04:17,996 --> 00:04:20,521
Come on, sir!
A giant in the ocean?
100
00:04:20,521 --> 00:04:25,265
What has your civilization
done to solve the wind mystery?
101
00:04:25,265 --> 00:04:26,918
Hmm? Tell me.
102
00:04:26,918 --> 00:04:29,660
Can't? Then get out.
103
00:04:29,660 --> 00:04:32,228
Smith had the right idea.
You're fired!
104
00:04:35,623 --> 00:04:37,015
It was an honor
working for you.
105
00:04:37,015 --> 00:04:40,149
If I did.
Best damn boss I ever had.
106
00:04:40,149 --> 00:04:41,455
If you were.
107
00:04:43,718 --> 00:04:46,068
I'm sorry, Dr. Breezer.
108
00:04:46,068 --> 00:04:48,766
He's not a reflection
of this agency.
109
00:04:48,766 --> 00:04:53,031
The CIA respects
both science and fantasy.
110
00:04:53,031 --> 00:04:55,773
Please, you spoke
of a giant?
111
00:04:55,773 --> 00:04:57,079
What's its name?
112
00:04:57,079 --> 00:04:59,516
The Sumerians considered
the giant's name
113
00:04:59,516 --> 00:05:00,909
too sacred to speak.
114
00:05:00,909 --> 00:05:02,214
But [bleep] it,
I'll just say it.
115
00:05:02,214 --> 00:05:03,651
It's "Tall Jeremy."
116
00:05:03,651 --> 00:05:05,130
We must sail
across the ocean
117
00:05:05,130 --> 00:05:07,437
and convince him
to stop blowing.
118
00:05:07,437 --> 00:05:08,612
I'd like to volunteer.
119
00:05:08,612 --> 00:05:09,787
Good man, Smith.
120
00:05:09,787 --> 00:05:11,659
Take the CIA yacht.
121
00:05:11,659 --> 00:05:14,836
I'm sorry, it'll be a long,
slow journey
122
00:05:14,836 --> 00:05:18,753
because we stocked it
with so much food and booze.
123
00:05:18,753 --> 00:05:20,232
Can I bring
my family along?
124
00:05:20,232 --> 00:05:21,451
Why?
125
00:05:21,451 --> 00:05:25,325
Um, 'cause Tall Jeremy
loves marital sex?
126
00:05:25,325 --> 00:05:26,630
Dr. Breezer?
127
00:05:26,630 --> 00:05:28,328
It's not his favorite
type of sex.
128
00:05:28,328 --> 00:05:30,547
But I say let's hit him
with all we got.
129
00:05:33,681 --> 00:05:35,465
Why are all these
people outside?
130
00:05:35,465 --> 00:05:37,728
We're going on another trip
and hiring someone
131
00:05:37,728 --> 00:05:38,860
to help out while
we're gone.
132
00:05:38,860 --> 00:05:40,775
You're hiring
a house sitter?
133
00:05:40,775 --> 00:05:42,080
But that's my job.
134
00:05:42,080 --> 00:05:44,300
[chuckles]
Not just a house sitter.
135
00:05:44,300 --> 00:05:47,651
They got to keep an eye on your
frame-breaking ass, as well.
136
00:05:47,651 --> 00:05:50,828
There's only one thing that
could go wrong with the house,
137
00:05:50,828 --> 00:05:52,656
and that's you.
138
00:05:52,656 --> 00:05:54,658
[wind whistling,
house rumbling]
139
00:05:54,658 --> 00:05:55,920
Whoa.
140
00:05:56,573 --> 00:05:58,096
[all screaming]
141
00:06:02,231 --> 00:06:03,493
Is it a witch?
142
00:06:03,493 --> 00:06:05,582
No, witches have brooms.
143
00:06:05,582 --> 00:06:06,670
I think it's...
144
00:06:06,670 --> 00:06:09,020
a Dick.
145
00:06:09,020 --> 00:06:12,241
Shut up!
It's Dick, my old boss.
146
00:06:12,241 --> 00:06:15,418
Ever since I got fired,
I've been spiraling.
147
00:06:15,418 --> 00:06:16,506
In a fun way?
148
00:06:16,506 --> 00:06:18,029
Afraid not.
149
00:06:18,029 --> 00:06:22,425
I lost my apartment, my savings,
and I'm living in my car.
150
00:06:22,425 --> 00:06:24,035
How?
It's been one day.
151
00:06:24,035 --> 00:06:25,863
All that was kind of
going on before.
152
00:06:25,863 --> 00:06:27,387
But now I don't have
a job either.
153
00:06:27,387 --> 00:06:30,346
I saw the sign out front.
Are you guys hiring?
154
00:06:30,346 --> 00:06:33,044
Yes. We need someone
to watch the house.
155
00:06:33,044 --> 00:06:37,092
But more importantly,
what do you know
about pet sitting?
156
00:06:38,746 --> 00:06:40,878
♪ A pet sitter should be kind
157
00:06:40,878 --> 00:06:43,011
♪ Handsome with no warts
158
00:06:43,011 --> 00:06:44,621
♪ Always on time
159
00:06:44,621 --> 00:06:45,840
♪ Good with animals
160
00:06:45,840 --> 00:06:47,058
♪ No warts
161
00:06:47,058 --> 00:06:48,886
He is really emphasizing
"no warts."
162
00:06:48,886 --> 00:06:50,235
It's making me
think he has warts.
163
00:06:50,235 --> 00:06:52,150
I love where you were going
with the song,
164
00:06:52,150 --> 00:06:54,675
but we should
probably explain.
165
00:06:54,675 --> 00:06:57,460
This isn't your typical
pet sitting job.
166
00:06:57,460 --> 00:07:00,202
♪ We're looking for
A candidate to keep ♪
167
00:07:00,202 --> 00:07:01,899
♪ Their eyes on Klaus
168
00:07:01,899 --> 00:07:03,945
♪ This guy is pathetic
169
00:07:03,945 --> 00:07:06,077
♪ Can't trust him
With our house ♪
170
00:07:06,077 --> 00:07:08,166
♪ We need someone
Who's vigilant ♪
171
00:07:08,166 --> 00:07:10,255
♪ Make sure he stays in line
172
00:07:10,255 --> 00:07:12,388
♪ I've always been
The one in charge ♪
173
00:07:12,388 --> 00:07:14,346
♪ The house has been
Just fine ♪
174
00:07:14,346 --> 00:07:16,479
♪ Don't let him
Order instacart ♪
175
00:07:16,479 --> 00:07:18,916
♪ He'll leave you with
The fee ♪
176
00:07:18,916 --> 00:07:21,005
♪ He'll sneak right
Into Steve's room ♪
177
00:07:21,005 --> 00:07:23,051
- ♪ And read his diary
- It's a blog!
178
00:07:23,051 --> 00:07:27,447
♪ No, we can't trust
The fish with our things ♪
179
00:07:27,447 --> 00:07:28,796
Can't trust me?
180
00:07:28,796 --> 00:07:30,275
This house would be a hovel
without me.
181
00:07:30,275 --> 00:07:32,495
♪ Without me,
Who would swiffer? ♪
182
00:07:32,495 --> 00:07:35,106
♪ Who'd spray
The yard for tics? ♪
183
00:07:35,106 --> 00:07:37,065
♪ I'm the one who
Keeps the house ♪
184
00:07:37,065 --> 00:07:38,849
♪ Don't need no help
From Dick ♪
185
00:07:38,849 --> 00:07:41,025
♪ I think that my experience
186
00:07:41,025 --> 00:07:42,940
♪ Makes me the perfect fit
187
00:07:42,940 --> 00:07:45,595
♪ I'll never take
My eyes off him ♪
188
00:07:45,595 --> 00:07:47,379
♪ I'll watch him while I shit
189
00:07:49,338 --> 00:07:53,951
♪ 'Cause we can't trust
The fish with our things ♪
190
00:07:53,951 --> 00:07:56,258
♪ No, we can't trust the fish
191
00:07:56,258 --> 00:08:01,176
[all]
♪ With our things
192
00:08:03,700 --> 00:08:05,223
Well, our song is over,
193
00:08:05,223 --> 00:08:07,791
and all the other candidates
were blown away by the wind.
194
00:08:07,791 --> 00:08:08,966
You're hired, Dick.
195
00:08:08,966 --> 00:08:11,012
[wind whistling]
196
00:08:12,013 --> 00:08:14,189
Here are the instructions
on Klaus.
197
00:08:14,189 --> 00:08:16,321
- Don't deviate.
- Don't put Dick in charge.
198
00:08:16,321 --> 00:08:18,498
Please, give me a chance
to regain your trust.
199
00:08:18,498 --> 00:08:19,586
Pleassssssse!
200
00:08:19,586 --> 00:08:21,631
Klaus, we just sang
a whole song.
201
00:08:21,631 --> 00:08:24,460
When have you ever known
this family to change course
202
00:08:24,460 --> 00:08:26,114
after singing a song?
203
00:08:27,071 --> 00:08:28,508
[wind whistling]
204
00:08:31,598 --> 00:08:34,514
Ooh. Missed a spot.
205
00:08:34,514 --> 00:08:37,778
So, Klaus,
tell me about yourself.
206
00:08:37,778 --> 00:08:39,431
What's your favorite season?
207
00:08:39,431 --> 00:08:42,565
Oh, I can't talk.
I'm just your run-of-the-mill,
208
00:08:42,565 --> 00:08:44,698
dumbass goldfish
who doesn't even have
209
00:08:44,698 --> 00:08:46,569
a human brain
and needs a pet sitter.
210
00:08:46,569 --> 00:08:48,484
- Listen, this wasn't my--
- Bah-bah-bahhhh.
211
00:08:48,484 --> 00:08:51,269
I can't hear you.
Bah-bahhhh.
212
00:08:52,053 --> 00:08:54,708
You're so stupid.
What are you even doing?
213
00:08:54,708 --> 00:08:56,536
Having my mail forwarded
to this address.
214
00:08:56,536 --> 00:08:59,713
It's just easier since I'm going
to be here a few weeks
215
00:08:59,713 --> 00:09:01,279
Weeks? [groans]
216
00:09:01,279 --> 00:09:03,194
Let's take a look
at the rules.
217
00:09:03,194 --> 00:09:06,023
Says here you're not allowed
to touch the burners.
218
00:09:06,023 --> 00:09:08,765
What? Let me see that.
I touch them to my liking.
219
00:09:08,765 --> 00:09:10,375
Feed it twice a day.
220
00:09:10,375 --> 00:09:11,725
It?
221
00:09:11,725 --> 00:09:13,161
Limit meals to breakfast
222
00:09:13,161 --> 00:09:15,555
and two shakes of fish flakes
at night.
223
00:09:15,555 --> 00:09:16,817
Two shakes?
224
00:09:16,817 --> 00:09:19,863
I eat a whole
rotisserie chicken every day!
225
00:09:19,863 --> 00:09:21,212
Wow.
They don't treat you well.
226
00:09:21,212 --> 00:09:22,997
No wonder you're pissed
at them.
227
00:09:22,997 --> 00:09:24,999
You know what?
Forget the rules.
228
00:09:24,999 --> 00:09:28,089
Want to get some food?
How do you feel about Wow Cow?
229
00:09:28,089 --> 00:09:29,612
I...
230
00:09:29,612 --> 00:09:31,614
really like Wow Cow.
231
00:09:31,614 --> 00:09:33,877
I've seen how the family
belittles you.
232
00:09:33,877 --> 00:09:35,487
They treat you
like an outsider.
233
00:09:35,487 --> 00:09:38,752
You know, my ex-wife used to
make me feel like an outsider,
234
00:09:38,752 --> 00:09:40,449
even when I was insider.
235
00:09:40,449 --> 00:09:43,060
[laughs] That's sad.
236
00:09:43,060 --> 00:09:44,671
And then she left me.
237
00:09:44,671 --> 00:09:46,107
Your wife left you?
238
00:09:46,107 --> 00:09:49,371
My wife left me, too,
for an entire bobsled team.
239
00:09:49,371 --> 00:09:52,635
Since then, I've been
desperate for connection.
240
00:09:52,635 --> 00:09:53,767
I'd do...
241
00:09:53,767 --> 00:09:55,203
[both] Anything to fit in.
242
00:09:55,203 --> 00:09:58,075
[gasps] You're pathetic
the same way I'm pathetic.
243
00:09:58,075 --> 00:10:01,905
Klaus, you and I are two fish
in the same school.
244
00:10:01,905 --> 00:10:04,038
You make me feel
understood, Dick.
245
00:10:04,038 --> 00:10:06,997
A sensitive soul
in a cruel world.
246
00:10:06,997 --> 00:10:10,261
Hey! Can I get that [bleep]
spoon I asked for?
247
00:10:10,261 --> 00:10:12,350
Ah, I shouldn't be
hard on her.
248
00:10:12,350 --> 00:10:14,962
We're definitely leaving
without paying.
249
00:10:14,962 --> 00:10:18,095
[jazz music playing]
250
00:10:18,095 --> 00:10:21,229
Who knew all we needed
was a fully staffed yacht
251
00:10:21,229 --> 00:10:24,972
with a 60-foot water slide
and a jazz quartet
252
00:10:24,972 --> 00:10:27,017
to feel like ourselves again.
253
00:10:27,017 --> 00:10:29,106
Got to give it to Roger
for hooking it up.
254
00:10:29,106 --> 00:10:30,934
- Hey, where is Roger?
- [Roger] Hey, fam.
255
00:10:30,934 --> 00:10:32,022
I have great news.
256
00:10:32,022 --> 00:10:33,937
I just scored in a trade,
257
00:10:33,937 --> 00:10:36,287
robbed these Somalian
pirates blind.
258
00:10:36,287 --> 00:10:37,419
Wait, what?
259
00:10:37,419 --> 00:10:39,116
For our yacht,
I got this incredible
260
00:10:39,116 --> 00:10:41,945
oar boat, a gift certificate
for Sam Goody,
261
00:10:41,945 --> 00:10:44,078
and a whole herd of cattle
that we have to pick up
262
00:10:44,078 --> 00:10:45,688
in the Galapagos later.
263
00:10:45,688 --> 00:10:46,950
You traded the yacht?
264
00:10:46,950 --> 00:10:48,082
Are you insane?
265
00:10:48,082 --> 00:10:49,387
We have to be reasonable.
266
00:10:49,387 --> 00:10:51,172
The yacht is too big,
it's too heavy.
267
00:10:51,172 --> 00:10:52,913
We got to travel
light and skippy
268
00:10:52,913 --> 00:10:54,262
if we want to find the giant.
269
00:10:54,262 --> 00:10:57,134
Whoa, wait. We're actually
looking for a giant?
270
00:10:57,134 --> 00:10:59,702
- That's a myth.
- A myth you made up.
271
00:10:59,702 --> 00:11:00,964
Exactly.
272
00:11:00,964 --> 00:11:02,966
So if it's not a real myth,
it must be true.
273
00:11:02,966 --> 00:11:05,012
Sorry, gang.
He's actually right about that.
274
00:11:05,012 --> 00:11:06,230
I don't care.
275
00:11:06,230 --> 00:11:08,276
I'm entitled to
a good vacation,
276
00:11:08,276 --> 00:11:11,322
and I'm not leaving
this yacht for anything.
277
00:11:11,322 --> 00:11:12,584
[laughing]
278
00:11:12,584 --> 00:11:13,977
[cheering]
279
00:11:13,977 --> 00:11:15,283
This is gonna be great.
280
00:11:15,283 --> 00:11:17,328
You're gonna lose
so much weight rowing,
281
00:11:17,328 --> 00:11:19,504
and then you're gonna gain it
all back eating cattle.
282
00:11:19,504 --> 00:11:21,158
We're not gonna breed them
or milk them.
283
00:11:21,158 --> 00:11:22,943
We're just gonna eat 'em all.
284
00:11:22,943 --> 00:11:24,945
[wind whistling]
285
00:11:24,945 --> 00:11:27,991
I've had the best time
with you today, Dick.
286
00:11:27,991 --> 00:11:30,428
We've hit up
all my favorite spots--
287
00:11:30,428 --> 00:11:33,997
Wow Cow, the mechanical
horse outside CVS,
288
00:11:33,997 --> 00:11:36,173
And now
the Hallmark Store?
289
00:11:36,173 --> 00:11:37,653
Glad you're having fun.
290
00:11:37,653 --> 00:11:40,612
I got to mail this
"Props on your new gig, slick"
291
00:11:40,612 --> 00:11:41,918
card to myself.
292
00:11:41,918 --> 00:11:43,833
Be right back.
No problem.
293
00:11:43,833 --> 00:11:45,530
Psst. Klaus.
294
00:11:45,530 --> 00:11:46,706
Lewis?
295
00:11:46,706 --> 00:11:48,011
How do you know
that guy you're with?
296
00:11:48,011 --> 00:11:49,752
You mean, Dick?
He's staying with me.
297
00:11:49,752 --> 00:11:51,493
Dick is staying
in your house?
298
00:11:51,493 --> 00:11:53,800
You have to get him out
before it's too late.
299
00:11:53,800 --> 00:11:54,975
Dick's a squatter!
300
00:11:54,975 --> 00:11:56,716
No way. Dick's my bro.
301
00:11:56,716 --> 00:11:59,022
Listen, a few months back,
I hired Dick to watch
302
00:11:59,022 --> 00:12:00,937
my pet boa constrictor,
T'Challa,
303
00:12:00,937 --> 00:12:02,286
while I was on vacation.
304
00:12:02,286 --> 00:12:04,245
Has Dick gotten any mail
to your house?
305
00:12:04,245 --> 00:12:07,857
Not yet, but he did
forward his mail.
306
00:12:07,857 --> 00:12:09,467
Why do you ask?
307
00:12:09,467 --> 00:12:12,035
Because once he establishes
residency with the post office
308
00:12:12,035 --> 00:12:13,733
and stays for at least
a month,
309
00:12:13,733 --> 00:12:16,561
you can't get him out!
310
00:12:16,561 --> 00:12:18,738
He tried to do that to me,
but luckily,
311
00:12:18,738 --> 00:12:21,175
I had to cut my trip to
Hedonism II short due to
312
00:12:21,175 --> 00:12:24,482
a condition clinically known
as "gonorrhea mania."
313
00:12:24,482 --> 00:12:27,877
You mean, Dick's going
to steal our house?
314
00:12:27,877 --> 00:12:29,400
You still have
time to stop him.
315
00:12:29,400 --> 00:12:32,186
Oh, damn. I've got a job
interview at Orange Julius.
316
00:12:32,186 --> 00:12:34,318
I'm putting you down
as a reference.
317
00:12:34,928 --> 00:12:36,799
- Ready to go?
- No.
318
00:12:36,799 --> 00:12:38,758
I just had
a very disturbing run-in
319
00:12:38,758 --> 00:12:40,716
with Principal Lewis.
320
00:12:40,716 --> 00:12:42,457
He told me everything.
321
00:12:42,457 --> 00:12:44,894
- Lewis? Who is Lewis?
- Shut up!
322
00:12:44,894 --> 00:12:48,768
I know you're a squatter and
you're trying to take our house.
323
00:12:48,768 --> 00:12:50,160
Maybe I am.
324
00:12:50,160 --> 00:12:52,206
But come on, it's obvious
from the family's rules
325
00:12:52,206 --> 00:12:53,990
that they don't
even care about you.
326
00:12:53,990 --> 00:12:55,470
They call you "it".
327
00:12:55,470 --> 00:12:57,864
And you're
gonna help them?
328
00:12:57,864 --> 00:12:59,779
No, I'm gonna help you.
329
00:12:59,779 --> 00:13:02,129
I want in.
330
00:13:04,000 --> 00:13:05,349
Faster. Faster.
331
00:13:05,349 --> 00:13:07,351
We need to hustle if we're
going to find the giant.
332
00:13:07,351 --> 00:13:12,095
Dad! This is getting almost
as bad as Gettysburg.
333
00:13:12,095 --> 00:13:14,532
- Screw this. I'm making a call.
- [beeps]
334
00:13:16,708 --> 00:13:17,971
We can't
hover any longer.
335
00:13:17,971 --> 00:13:19,233
We got to turn back.
336
00:13:19,233 --> 00:13:21,844
Roger, last chance.
Get on the chopper.
337
00:13:21,844 --> 00:13:24,804
Can't.
I got to find that giant!
338
00:13:24,804 --> 00:13:26,588
The giant's
not real, you fool!
339
00:13:26,588 --> 00:13:28,808
That's what they said
about Atlantis.
340
00:13:28,808 --> 00:13:31,071
And they were right!
341
00:13:31,071 --> 00:13:33,682
Sorry?
What was that last thing?
342
00:13:39,470 --> 00:13:42,125
Ah, nothing like being at sea
for a month
343
00:13:42,125 --> 00:13:44,301
to make my scurvy flare up.
344
00:13:44,301 --> 00:13:46,260
Odd.
My key doesn't work.
345
00:13:46,260 --> 00:13:47,870
Dick! Dick, can you
give me a hand?
346
00:13:47,870 --> 00:13:49,002
My key isn't working.
347
00:13:49,002 --> 00:13:51,439
I can't let you in, Stan.
348
00:13:51,439 --> 00:13:54,964
Oh, no, did Klaus screw up
the door from the inside?
349
00:13:54,964 --> 00:13:56,966
This isn't
your house anymore.
350
00:13:56,966 --> 00:13:58,446
It's ours.
351
00:13:58,446 --> 00:14:01,231
Since you abandoned it
and took to the open sea
352
00:14:01,231 --> 00:14:03,886
for a month, Dick and I
established residency
353
00:14:03,886 --> 00:14:05,801
and took ownership.
354
00:14:05,801 --> 00:14:08,673
Maritime laws.
Look it up.
355
00:14:09,109 --> 00:14:10,327
I will not.
356
00:14:10,327 --> 00:14:11,807
Why are you
doing this, Dick?
357
00:14:11,807 --> 00:14:13,200
It's gonna be
awkward at work.
358
00:14:13,200 --> 00:14:14,854
You got me fired!
359
00:14:14,854 --> 00:14:16,464
Oh, yeah.
360
00:14:17,987 --> 00:14:19,728
Forget that.
This is my house.
361
00:14:19,728 --> 00:14:24,341
And I'm getting in with a little
help from my friends, B and E.
362
00:14:25,386 --> 00:14:27,257
Aw, man, I think I made it
harder for us.
363
00:14:27,257 --> 00:14:28,345
[siren wails, tires squeal]
364
00:14:28,345 --> 00:14:30,521
Thank God, the pigs!
365
00:14:31,218 --> 00:14:32,828
They're here for you.
366
00:14:32,828 --> 00:14:34,351
But it's my house!
367
00:14:34,351 --> 00:14:36,092
Not according to
maritime law, it isn't.
368
00:14:36,092 --> 00:14:37,354
What if I shoot them?
369
00:14:37,354 --> 00:14:39,008
I mean, it would still
be their house.
370
00:14:39,008 --> 00:14:40,880
He's not gonna shoot you!
371
00:14:40,880 --> 00:14:42,229
But you can shoot him,
372
00:14:42,229 --> 00:14:44,971
since he's trespassing
on your property!
373
00:14:44,971 --> 00:14:46,537
[Klaus] Fair enough.
374
00:14:46,537 --> 00:14:48,017
[gunfire]
375
00:14:48,017 --> 00:14:49,497
[tires squeal]
376
00:14:50,759 --> 00:14:52,108
[wind whistling]
377
00:14:52,108 --> 00:14:53,675
Those bastards.
378
00:14:53,675 --> 00:14:55,068
Not the cops.
379
00:14:55,068 --> 00:14:57,157
It was super cool of them
to take my $10,000 bribe.
380
00:14:57,157 --> 00:14:58,375
That was your bail, Dad.
381
00:14:58,375 --> 00:14:59,724
This isn't over for you.
382
00:14:59,724 --> 00:15:01,901
Well, then, screw them
and Dick and Klaus.
383
00:15:01,901 --> 00:15:04,207
But how can we get the house
back? Take 'em to court?
384
00:15:04,207 --> 00:15:06,122
And read all that sea law?
385
00:15:06,122 --> 00:15:07,341
No thanks.
386
00:15:07,341 --> 00:15:09,560
Maybe we just
have to face it.
387
00:15:09,560 --> 00:15:12,215
Klaus screwed us over
for good this time.
388
00:15:12,215 --> 00:15:14,130
We can't let Klaus win.
389
00:15:14,130 --> 00:15:15,871
Hey, Steve,
you got any thoughts?
390
00:15:15,871 --> 00:15:17,394
Yeah.
391
00:15:17,394 --> 00:15:20,571
Was the Candy Land Airbnb
the only one available, or...
392
00:15:20,571 --> 00:15:23,313
No, there was also a house
with all beige carpeting.
393
00:15:23,313 --> 00:15:25,576
Would you have liked me
following you around all day?
394
00:15:25,576 --> 00:15:27,752
"Don't Spill. Don't Spill."
395
00:15:27,752 --> 00:15:29,667
[wind whistling]
396
00:15:31,365 --> 00:15:34,368
New rule, Klaus.
There are no rules.
397
00:15:34,368 --> 00:15:36,326
Yeah, eff that thing.
398
00:15:36,326 --> 00:15:39,634
I love being
a homeowner.
399
00:15:39,634 --> 00:15:42,767
I don't think we should
take down the family photo.
400
00:15:42,767 --> 00:15:44,117
Why not?
401
00:15:44,117 --> 00:15:46,206
You don't still care
about these jerks, do you?
402
00:15:46,206 --> 00:15:47,555
No way.
403
00:15:47,555 --> 00:15:49,470
I'm just afraid
your naked body
404
00:15:49,470 --> 00:15:51,994
doesn't match the color scheme
of the room.
405
00:15:51,994 --> 00:15:53,343
You're afraid of that?
406
00:15:53,343 --> 00:15:55,128
I'm not afraid of anything.
407
00:15:55,128 --> 00:15:57,782
Well, except g-g-g-ghosts.
408
00:15:58,914 --> 00:16:00,524
Look, I'm just gonna say it.
409
00:16:00,524 --> 00:16:03,963
The hula skirts
are cultural appropriation.
410
00:16:11,840 --> 00:16:14,277
[Francine] Stick to the rules,
but don't forget to have
411
00:16:14,277 --> 00:16:16,584
some fun with Klaus
from time to time.
412
00:16:16,584 --> 00:16:19,804
He loves Wow Cow
and superhero movies.
413
00:16:19,804 --> 00:16:23,417
He goes nuts for
the mechanical horse at CVS.
414
00:16:23,417 --> 00:16:25,593
Oh, that horse
is so badass.
415
00:16:25,593 --> 00:16:27,464
[Stan] Try to watch stuff
with him downstairs
416
00:16:27,464 --> 00:16:29,162
so he doesn't
get lonely at night.
417
00:16:29,162 --> 00:16:31,903
The downstairs TV sucks,
so don't watch cool stuff
418
00:16:31,903 --> 00:16:33,514
like Avatar
and Westworld on it,
419
00:16:33,514 --> 00:16:35,342
but it's fine
for Impractical Jokers,
420
00:16:35,342 --> 00:16:37,300
which is all Klaus
watches anyway.
421
00:16:37,300 --> 00:16:40,477
Wow. They really know me.
422
00:16:40,477 --> 00:16:44,046
Hey, Dick didn't tell me
the nice stuff they said.
423
00:16:44,046 --> 00:16:46,831
That snaky bitch.
424
00:16:46,831 --> 00:16:52,446
Wait. Was that tiger
originally Tommy Lee Jones?
425
00:16:53,882 --> 00:16:55,492
[seagulls crying]
426
00:16:59,061 --> 00:17:01,498
Tall Jeremy!
My man!
427
00:17:01,498 --> 00:17:04,675
Thanks for rescuing me.
You don't look so good.
428
00:17:04,675 --> 00:17:06,634
I'm sick.
429
00:17:06,634 --> 00:17:08,723
[groans]
430
00:17:09,811 --> 00:17:10,855
[sneezes]
431
00:17:10,855 --> 00:17:12,901
[seagulls screech]
432
00:17:12,901 --> 00:17:16,252
Ohhh. That's what's causing
all the wind.
433
00:17:16,252 --> 00:17:19,342
[sighs] I don't know.
434
00:17:20,691 --> 00:17:22,258
[blows]
435
00:17:22,258 --> 00:17:23,520
[squeals]
436
00:17:23,520 --> 00:17:24,869
[slurps]
437
00:17:24,869 --> 00:17:26,393
Ow!
438
00:17:26,393 --> 00:17:29,874
Oh, soup's too hot to eat!
439
00:17:29,874 --> 00:17:32,877
I hate being sick.
440
00:17:32,877 --> 00:17:35,619
Hang in there, buckaroo.
You'll feel better soon.
441
00:17:35,619 --> 00:17:37,839
In the meantime,
could you maybe eat cold soup?
442
00:17:37,839 --> 00:17:41,103
The blowing is really doing
a number on our coastal cities.
443
00:17:41,103 --> 00:17:42,800
Cold soup? Nah.
444
00:17:42,800 --> 00:17:45,803
I'll just go back
to eating people.
445
00:17:45,803 --> 00:17:46,891
That works.
446
00:17:46,891 --> 00:17:48,676
You can tell I'm not
a people, right?
447
00:17:48,676 --> 00:17:51,157
Of course.
Can't everybody?
448
00:17:51,157 --> 00:17:53,376
Great. So eat people,
cover your mouth
449
00:17:53,376 --> 00:17:54,812
with that squid
when you sneeze,
450
00:17:54,812 --> 00:17:57,902
and can you throw me
about a thousand miles that way?
451
00:17:57,902 --> 00:17:59,730
No problemo.
452
00:18:01,123 --> 00:18:02,168
[grunts]
453
00:18:02,168 --> 00:18:04,648
[Roger]
Gracias, amigo!
454
00:18:08,957 --> 00:18:11,090
You were right.
I have to get rid of Dick.
455
00:18:11,090 --> 00:18:13,701
But it's too late. He already
has squatter's rights.
456
00:18:13,701 --> 00:18:16,791
There must be some way
to get him out of the house.
457
00:18:17,618 --> 00:18:19,359
Maybe you could
scare him out.
458
00:18:19,359 --> 00:18:21,578
How? He's not
afraid of anything.
459
00:18:21,578 --> 00:18:24,407
We went to that trampoline park,
and he barely even looked at
460
00:18:24,407 --> 00:18:26,017
the waiver before signing it.
461
00:18:26,017 --> 00:18:30,021
Oh, and he uses
the bathroom at the beach.
462
00:18:30,021 --> 00:18:31,240
He's fearless!
463
00:18:31,240 --> 00:18:34,722
[gasps] Oh, no, he's not.
464
00:18:38,247 --> 00:18:41,729
[chains rattling, growling]
465
00:18:41,729 --> 00:18:43,165
He-hello?
466
00:18:43,165 --> 00:18:44,949
[deep voice] Dick...
467
00:18:44,949 --> 00:18:48,214
I've come for you.
468
00:18:48,214 --> 00:18:49,737
A ghost!
469
00:18:49,737 --> 00:18:52,522
Are you the spirit of the
old woman whose condo I stole?
470
00:18:52,522 --> 00:18:55,917
No, I'm a generic ghost.
471
00:18:55,917 --> 00:18:57,962
[screams]
472
00:18:59,268 --> 00:19:00,443
Whoa, that was fast.
473
00:19:00,443 --> 00:19:02,184
We didn't even get to do
the bleeding walls
474
00:19:02,184 --> 00:19:03,707
or the fake satanic ritual.
475
00:19:04,752 --> 00:19:06,928
Tuttle, you can
come out now.
476
00:19:06,928 --> 00:19:08,451
It's already over?
477
00:19:08,451 --> 00:19:09,844
Yeah. Sorry, man.
478
00:19:09,844 --> 00:19:12,499
Is that what you think
a ghost looks like?
479
00:19:14,718 --> 00:19:16,633
- [beep]
- [Stan] Hey,
this is Chris Pratt.
480
00:19:16,633 --> 00:19:18,069
Nah, I'm just playin'.
481
00:19:18,069 --> 00:19:19,897
It's Stan. Leave a message
after the...
482
00:19:19,897 --> 00:19:20,942
[beep]
483
00:19:20,942 --> 00:19:23,249
[chuckles]
Oh, that was good, Stan.
484
00:19:23,249 --> 00:19:24,859
I needed that laugh.
485
00:19:24,859 --> 00:19:27,862
It's been rough lately, stealing
the house from you and all.
486
00:19:27,862 --> 00:19:30,604
Anyhoo, I've got
a big surprise for you.
487
00:19:30,604 --> 00:19:32,301
Meet me at the house.
488
00:19:32,301 --> 00:19:34,129
You're gonna be thrilled.
489
00:19:34,129 --> 00:19:35,696
- 'Kay, bye.
- [phone beeps]
490
00:19:35,696 --> 00:19:39,569
Phew! Dick's gone, and now
I'm gonna get my family back.
491
00:19:39,569 --> 00:19:41,180
Well done, me.
492
00:19:42,877 --> 00:19:44,008
[gasps]
493
00:19:49,100 --> 00:19:51,320
Phew! That could have gotten
out of hand.
494
00:19:51,320 --> 00:19:53,409
- [blows]
- [fire crackling]
495
00:19:53,409 --> 00:19:56,456
Oh, no, no, no, no, no!
496
00:19:56,456 --> 00:19:57,718
Shit.
497
00:20:00,721 --> 00:20:02,679
[car doors closing]
498
00:20:02,679 --> 00:20:05,204
What the [bleep]
did you do?
499
00:20:05,204 --> 00:20:06,553
I got rid of Dick!
500
00:20:06,553 --> 00:20:09,338
And I saved
the family photo.
501
00:20:09,338 --> 00:20:10,992
You burned down the house!
502
00:20:10,992 --> 00:20:15,518
Yes, but what I learned is,
it's not about the house.
503
00:20:15,518 --> 00:20:18,347
It's the people
who make a home.
504
00:20:18,347 --> 00:20:19,696
- The carpenters?
- No.
505
00:20:19,696 --> 00:20:21,220
- The architect.
- No.
506
00:20:21,220 --> 00:20:23,483
- Contractors?
- No.
507
00:20:23,483 --> 00:20:24,788
What are you talking about?
508
00:20:24,788 --> 00:20:26,486
Let me
explain another way.
509
00:20:26,486 --> 00:20:27,965
It's like this photo.
510
00:20:27,965 --> 00:20:30,229
The house is the frame,
which isn't important.
511
00:20:30,229 --> 00:20:34,058
You get me? But you guys are
the people in the photo.
512
00:20:34,058 --> 00:20:35,538
[all] No shit!
513
00:20:35,538 --> 00:20:37,192
[grunting]
514
00:20:37,192 --> 00:20:38,541
The giant was real!
515
00:20:38,541 --> 00:20:39,934
And he's got
a hell of an arm.
516
00:20:39,934 --> 00:20:41,805
Damn, you gave
Klaus a babysitter
517
00:20:41,805 --> 00:20:43,807
and he still burned
down the house?
518
00:20:43,807 --> 00:20:46,070
Come on, Jeff,
let's do it in the ashes.
519
00:20:46,070 --> 00:20:48,638
Babe, you are
such a little freak.
520
00:20:48,638 --> 00:20:51,075
Whoa that's got to be
tough to hear, Stan.
521
00:20:51,075 --> 00:20:54,992
Why's that? Should I be upset
my daughter pulls ass?
522
00:20:56,342 --> 00:20:58,300
Have a great night!