1 00:00:01,305 --> 00:00:03,829 [wind whistling] 2 00:00:03,829 --> 00:00:05,309 [beeping] 3 00:00:05,309 --> 00:00:08,530 Oh! The Smiths are back from their trip in 20 minutes. 4 00:00:08,530 --> 00:00:11,185 Plenty of time for finishing touches. 5 00:00:12,882 --> 00:00:15,015 [instrumental music playing] 6 00:00:32,206 --> 00:00:34,382 I can't wait 'til they see this! 7 00:00:34,382 --> 00:00:36,514 - You're back! - From hell! 8 00:00:36,514 --> 00:00:38,429 Our trip to Gettysburg sucked! 9 00:00:38,429 --> 00:00:40,997 I mean, I love war, but mix it up a little. 10 00:00:40,997 --> 00:00:43,173 Gimme a beach or a pumpkin patch, something! 11 00:00:43,173 --> 00:00:47,003 And the place was a dump, littered with cannons! 12 00:00:47,003 --> 00:00:48,613 The wind was relentless! 13 00:00:48,613 --> 00:00:49,962 Not a single coconut. 14 00:00:49,962 --> 00:00:51,877 You couldn't get a pina colada anywhere! 15 00:00:51,877 --> 00:00:53,357 Took us forever to get there. 16 00:00:53,357 --> 00:00:55,664 Why couldn't they fight their war closer to the highway? 17 00:00:55,664 --> 00:00:58,362 I thought Gettysburg would be relaxing, 18 00:00:58,362 --> 00:00:59,755 but they just bombard you 19 00:00:59,755 --> 00:01:02,410 with all these facts about things that happened. 20 00:01:02,410 --> 00:01:04,281 You know, I was half expecting you 21 00:01:04,281 --> 00:01:05,891 to screw up the house in four score 22 00:01:05,891 --> 00:01:08,111 and seven ways, but it looks great. 23 00:01:08,111 --> 00:01:11,723 And roses? My favorite old lady smell! 24 00:01:11,723 --> 00:01:13,899 I'm so happy you like it. 25 00:01:13,899 --> 00:01:15,031 [Jeff] Wait. 26 00:01:15,031 --> 00:01:18,078 Is this a different [bleep] frame? 27 00:01:18,078 --> 00:01:19,992 Ah, yes. Jurgen was over. 28 00:01:19,992 --> 00:01:22,125 He bumped into the old one, and it broke. 29 00:01:22,125 --> 00:01:23,561 - [all gasp] - He what? 30 00:01:23,561 --> 00:01:24,649 Not the frame! 31 00:01:24,649 --> 00:01:27,043 So, you just replaced it? 32 00:01:27,043 --> 00:01:28,392 And didn't say anything? 33 00:01:28,392 --> 00:01:30,699 But it was just the cheap cardboard one 34 00:01:30,699 --> 00:01:32,353 they give you with the photo. 35 00:01:32,353 --> 00:01:33,615 So I bought you a new one, 36 00:01:33,615 --> 00:01:36,574 a nicer one, from World Market. 37 00:01:36,574 --> 00:01:39,447 Nice is your style. Not our style. 38 00:01:39,447 --> 00:01:43,364 But the photograph is fine, and that's what's important, right? 39 00:01:43,364 --> 00:01:44,756 The photo is nothing! 40 00:01:44,756 --> 00:01:46,454 It was the frame that held all our memories! 41 00:01:46,454 --> 00:01:48,760 Remember the blood stains on it from when Dad 42 00:01:48,760 --> 00:01:51,241 challenged the Hula dancer to five-finger fillet? 43 00:01:51,241 --> 00:01:53,156 [all] Aww. 44 00:01:53,156 --> 00:01:56,855 We trusted you with our bloody, mass-produced cardboard frame, 45 00:01:56,855 --> 00:01:59,641 and you replace it with something artisan? 46 00:01:59,641 --> 00:02:01,425 Do you know what they would do 47 00:02:01,425 --> 00:02:03,123 to someone like you in the Civil War? 48 00:02:03,123 --> 00:02:06,561 I don't recall because I was enjoying Jagermeister in the car 49 00:02:06,561 --> 00:02:08,650 during the corporal punishment reenactment. 50 00:02:08,650 --> 00:02:12,349 But I'm guessing it was unpleasant. 51 00:02:12,349 --> 00:02:14,221 [theme song playing] 52 00:02:15,265 --> 00:02:18,050 ♪ Good morning, USA 53 00:02:18,050 --> 00:02:21,402 ♪ I got a feeling That it's gonna be A wonderful day ♪ 54 00:02:21,402 --> 00:02:24,492 ♪ The sun in the sky Has a smile on his face ♪ 55 00:02:24,492 --> 00:02:28,844 ♪ And he's shinin' a salute To the American race ♪ 56 00:02:30,933 --> 00:02:34,284 ♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say 57 00:02:34,284 --> 00:02:37,026 ♪ Good morning, USA 58 00:02:37,026 --> 00:02:38,158 [Roger] Ah! 59 00:02:39,202 --> 00:02:42,379 [chorus] ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. 60 00:02:42,379 --> 00:02:43,641 [wind whistling] 61 00:02:43,641 --> 00:02:46,862 Wow. We truly live in windy times. 62 00:02:48,080 --> 00:02:52,694 Are you all really still upset about the family photo? 63 00:02:52,694 --> 00:02:53,999 Family photo? 64 00:02:53,999 --> 00:02:57,002 - The frame! - Oh, God, the frame! 65 00:02:57,002 --> 00:02:59,440 - Yes, I feel sick. - We all do. 66 00:02:59,440 --> 00:03:01,616 I wish we could go on a good trip now 67 00:03:01,616 --> 00:03:02,921 to forget about the frame. 68 00:03:02,921 --> 00:03:05,533 I can't, I've used all my P.T.O. days. 69 00:03:05,533 --> 00:03:07,491 You don't get unlimited P.T.O.? 70 00:03:07,491 --> 00:03:09,058 Where do you work, a gulag? 71 00:03:09,058 --> 00:03:11,408 That's low key messed up, Mr. S. 72 00:03:11,408 --> 00:03:14,411 I'm gonna figure out how to get us a do-over vacation. 73 00:03:14,411 --> 00:03:15,673 Here's what I'm thinking. 74 00:03:15,673 --> 00:03:17,980 Spirit Airlines, 4:00 a.m. flight, 75 00:03:17,980 --> 00:03:20,243 Christmas Eve, destination-- 76 00:03:20,243 --> 00:03:21,766 North Korea. 77 00:03:21,766 --> 00:03:23,768 [wind whistling] 78 00:03:23,768 --> 00:03:25,901 [Bullock] Over the last three months, 79 00:03:25,901 --> 00:03:27,859 windstorms around the globe 80 00:03:27,859 --> 00:03:30,166 have been growing in frequency and magnitude. 81 00:03:30,166 --> 00:03:35,998 So I brought in an expert. Gust Breezer, wind theorist. 82 00:03:35,998 --> 00:03:39,480 Oh, so this is how he's getting us a vacation. 83 00:03:39,480 --> 00:03:41,264 Sorry, Stan, did you say something? 84 00:03:41,264 --> 00:03:43,005 Oh, no, it's nothing. 85 00:03:43,005 --> 00:03:45,050 You've been looking to science for answers, 86 00:03:45,050 --> 00:03:47,183 but science can't explain wind. 87 00:03:47,183 --> 00:03:49,838 We need to look, instead, to history, 88 00:03:49,838 --> 00:03:51,318 the opposite of science. 89 00:03:51,318 --> 00:03:54,146 The Mayans, the Babylonians, all ancient cultures 90 00:03:54,146 --> 00:03:56,366 had myths to explain the source of the wind. 91 00:03:56,366 --> 00:04:00,109 All of them easily debunked by the granddaddy of them all, 92 00:04:00,109 --> 00:04:01,589 the Sumerian idea, 93 00:04:01,589 --> 00:04:04,722 "There's a Giant In the Ocean That Controls The Wind." 94 00:04:04,722 --> 00:04:08,117 Pfft! This whack-job calls himself a wind theorist? 95 00:04:08,117 --> 00:04:11,555 This is not how we treat a guest speaker! 96 00:04:11,555 --> 00:04:13,731 Dick, I'd fire you for disrespecting 97 00:04:13,731 --> 00:04:15,255 this totally legitimate theory. 98 00:04:15,255 --> 00:04:17,996 But I'm pretty sure I report to you. Do I? 99 00:04:17,996 --> 00:04:20,521 Come on, sir! A giant in the ocean? 100 00:04:20,521 --> 00:04:25,265 What has your civilization done to solve the wind mystery? 101 00:04:25,265 --> 00:04:26,918 Hmm? Tell me. 102 00:04:26,918 --> 00:04:29,660 Can't? Then get out. 103 00:04:29,660 --> 00:04:32,228 Smith had the right idea. You're fired! 104 00:04:35,623 --> 00:04:37,015 It was an honor working for you. 105 00:04:37,015 --> 00:04:40,149 If I did. Best damn boss I ever had. 106 00:04:40,149 --> 00:04:41,455 If you were. 107 00:04:43,718 --> 00:04:46,068 I'm sorry, Dr. Breezer. 108 00:04:46,068 --> 00:04:48,766 He's not a reflection of this agency. 109 00:04:48,766 --> 00:04:53,031 The CIA respects both science and fantasy. 110 00:04:53,031 --> 00:04:55,773 Please, you spoke of a giant? 111 00:04:55,773 --> 00:04:57,079 What's its name? 112 00:04:57,079 --> 00:04:59,516 The Sumerians considered the giant's name 113 00:04:59,516 --> 00:05:00,909 too sacred to speak. 114 00:05:00,909 --> 00:05:02,214 But [bleep] it, I'll just say it. 115 00:05:02,214 --> 00:05:03,651 It's "Tall Jeremy." 116 00:05:03,651 --> 00:05:05,130 We must sail across the ocean 117 00:05:05,130 --> 00:05:07,437 and convince him to stop blowing. 118 00:05:07,437 --> 00:05:08,612 I'd like to volunteer. 119 00:05:08,612 --> 00:05:09,787 Good man, Smith. 120 00:05:09,787 --> 00:05:11,659 Take the CIA yacht. 121 00:05:11,659 --> 00:05:14,836 I'm sorry, it'll be a long, slow journey 122 00:05:14,836 --> 00:05:18,753 because we stocked it with so much food and booze. 123 00:05:18,753 --> 00:05:20,232 Can I bring my family along? 124 00:05:20,232 --> 00:05:21,451 Why? 125 00:05:21,451 --> 00:05:25,325 Um, 'cause Tall Jeremy loves marital sex? 126 00:05:25,325 --> 00:05:26,630 Dr. Breezer? 127 00:05:26,630 --> 00:05:28,328 It's not his favorite type of sex. 128 00:05:28,328 --> 00:05:30,547 But I say let's hit him with all we got. 129 00:05:33,681 --> 00:05:35,465 Why are all these people outside? 130 00:05:35,465 --> 00:05:37,728 We're going on another trip and hiring someone 131 00:05:37,728 --> 00:05:38,860 to help out while we're gone. 132 00:05:38,860 --> 00:05:40,775 You're hiring a house sitter? 133 00:05:40,775 --> 00:05:42,080 But that's my job. 134 00:05:42,080 --> 00:05:44,300 [chuckles] Not just a house sitter. 135 00:05:44,300 --> 00:05:47,651 They got to keep an eye on your frame-breaking ass, as well. 136 00:05:47,651 --> 00:05:50,828 There's only one thing that could go wrong with the house, 137 00:05:50,828 --> 00:05:52,656 and that's you. 138 00:05:52,656 --> 00:05:54,658 [wind whistling, house rumbling] 139 00:05:54,658 --> 00:05:55,920 Whoa. 140 00:05:56,573 --> 00:05:58,096 [all screaming] 141 00:06:02,231 --> 00:06:03,493 Is it a witch? 142 00:06:03,493 --> 00:06:05,582 No, witches have brooms. 143 00:06:05,582 --> 00:06:06,670 I think it's... 144 00:06:06,670 --> 00:06:09,020 a Dick. 145 00:06:09,020 --> 00:06:12,241 Shut up! It's Dick, my old boss. 146 00:06:12,241 --> 00:06:15,418 Ever since I got fired, I've been spiraling. 147 00:06:15,418 --> 00:06:16,506 In a fun way? 148 00:06:16,506 --> 00:06:18,029 Afraid not. 149 00:06:18,029 --> 00:06:22,425 I lost my apartment, my savings, and I'm living in my car. 150 00:06:22,425 --> 00:06:24,035 How? It's been one day. 151 00:06:24,035 --> 00:06:25,863 All that was kind of going on before. 152 00:06:25,863 --> 00:06:27,387 But now I don't have a job either. 153 00:06:27,387 --> 00:06:30,346 I saw the sign out front. Are you guys hiring? 154 00:06:30,346 --> 00:06:33,044 Yes. We need someone to watch the house. 155 00:06:33,044 --> 00:06:37,092 But more importantly, what do you know about pet sitting? 156 00:06:38,746 --> 00:06:40,878 ♪ A pet sitter should be kind 157 00:06:40,878 --> 00:06:43,011 ♪ Handsome with no warts 158 00:06:43,011 --> 00:06:44,621 ♪ Always on time 159 00:06:44,621 --> 00:06:45,840 ♪ Good with animals 160 00:06:45,840 --> 00:06:47,058 ♪ No warts 161 00:06:47,058 --> 00:06:48,886 He is really emphasizing "no warts." 162 00:06:48,886 --> 00:06:50,235 It's making me think he has warts. 163 00:06:50,235 --> 00:06:52,150 I love where you were going with the song, 164 00:06:52,150 --> 00:06:54,675 but we should probably explain. 165 00:06:54,675 --> 00:06:57,460 This isn't your typical pet sitting job. 166 00:06:57,460 --> 00:07:00,202 ♪ We're looking for A candidate to keep ♪ 167 00:07:00,202 --> 00:07:01,899 ♪ Their eyes on Klaus 168 00:07:01,899 --> 00:07:03,945 ♪ This guy is pathetic 169 00:07:03,945 --> 00:07:06,077 ♪ Can't trust him With our house ♪ 170 00:07:06,077 --> 00:07:08,166 ♪ We need someone Who's vigilant ♪ 171 00:07:08,166 --> 00:07:10,255 ♪ Make sure he stays in line 172 00:07:10,255 --> 00:07:12,388 ♪ I've always been The one in charge ♪ 173 00:07:12,388 --> 00:07:14,346 ♪ The house has been Just fine ♪ 174 00:07:14,346 --> 00:07:16,479 ♪ Don't let him Order instacart ♪ 175 00:07:16,479 --> 00:07:18,916 ♪ He'll leave you with The fee ♪ 176 00:07:18,916 --> 00:07:21,005 ♪ He'll sneak right Into Steve's room ♪ 177 00:07:21,005 --> 00:07:23,051 - ♪ And read his diary - It's a blog! 178 00:07:23,051 --> 00:07:27,447 ♪ No, we can't trust The fish with our things ♪ 179 00:07:27,447 --> 00:07:28,796 Can't trust me? 180 00:07:28,796 --> 00:07:30,275 This house would be a hovel without me. 181 00:07:30,275 --> 00:07:32,495 ♪ Without me, Who would swiffer? ♪ 182 00:07:32,495 --> 00:07:35,106 ♪ Who'd spray The yard for tics? ♪ 183 00:07:35,106 --> 00:07:37,065 ♪ I'm the one who Keeps the house ♪ 184 00:07:37,065 --> 00:07:38,849 ♪ Don't need no help From Dick ♪ 185 00:07:38,849 --> 00:07:41,025 ♪ I think that my experience 186 00:07:41,025 --> 00:07:42,940 ♪ Makes me the perfect fit 187 00:07:42,940 --> 00:07:45,595 ♪ I'll never take My eyes off him ♪ 188 00:07:45,595 --> 00:07:47,379 ♪ I'll watch him while I shit 189 00:07:49,338 --> 00:07:53,951 ♪ 'Cause we can't trust The fish with our things ♪ 190 00:07:53,951 --> 00:07:56,258 ♪ No, we can't trust the fish 191 00:07:56,258 --> 00:08:01,176 [all] ♪ With our things 192 00:08:03,700 --> 00:08:05,223 Well, our song is over, 193 00:08:05,223 --> 00:08:07,791 and all the other candidates were blown away by the wind. 194 00:08:07,791 --> 00:08:08,966 You're hired, Dick. 195 00:08:08,966 --> 00:08:11,012 [wind whistling] 196 00:08:12,013 --> 00:08:14,189 Here are the instructions on Klaus. 197 00:08:14,189 --> 00:08:16,321 - Don't deviate. - Don't put Dick in charge. 198 00:08:16,321 --> 00:08:18,498 Please, give me a chance to regain your trust. 199 00:08:18,498 --> 00:08:19,586 Pleassssssse! 200 00:08:19,586 --> 00:08:21,631 Klaus, we just sang a whole song. 201 00:08:21,631 --> 00:08:24,460 When have you ever known this family to change course 202 00:08:24,460 --> 00:08:26,114 after singing a song? 203 00:08:27,071 --> 00:08:28,508 [wind whistling] 204 00:08:31,598 --> 00:08:34,514 Ooh. Missed a spot. 205 00:08:34,514 --> 00:08:37,778 So, Klaus, tell me about yourself. 206 00:08:37,778 --> 00:08:39,431 What's your favorite season? 207 00:08:39,431 --> 00:08:42,565 Oh, I can't talk. I'm just your run-of-the-mill, 208 00:08:42,565 --> 00:08:44,698 dumbass goldfish who doesn't even have 209 00:08:44,698 --> 00:08:46,569 a human brain and needs a pet sitter. 210 00:08:46,569 --> 00:08:48,484 - Listen, this wasn't my-- - Bah-bah-bahhhh. 211 00:08:48,484 --> 00:08:51,269 I can't hear you. Bah-bahhhh. 212 00:08:52,053 --> 00:08:54,708 You're so stupid. What are you even doing? 213 00:08:54,708 --> 00:08:56,536 Having my mail forwarded to this address. 214 00:08:56,536 --> 00:08:59,713 It's just easier since I'm going to be here a few weeks 215 00:08:59,713 --> 00:09:01,279 Weeks? [groans] 216 00:09:01,279 --> 00:09:03,194 Let's take a look at the rules. 217 00:09:03,194 --> 00:09:06,023 Says here you're not allowed to touch the burners. 218 00:09:06,023 --> 00:09:08,765 What? Let me see that. I touch them to my liking. 219 00:09:08,765 --> 00:09:10,375 Feed it twice a day. 220 00:09:10,375 --> 00:09:11,725 It? 221 00:09:11,725 --> 00:09:13,161 Limit meals to breakfast 222 00:09:13,161 --> 00:09:15,555 and two shakes of fish flakes at night. 223 00:09:15,555 --> 00:09:16,817 Two shakes? 224 00:09:16,817 --> 00:09:19,863 I eat a whole rotisserie chicken every day! 225 00:09:19,863 --> 00:09:21,212 Wow. They don't treat you well. 226 00:09:21,212 --> 00:09:22,997 No wonder you're pissed at them. 227 00:09:22,997 --> 00:09:24,999 You know what? Forget the rules. 228 00:09:24,999 --> 00:09:28,089 Want to get some food? How do you feel about Wow Cow? 229 00:09:28,089 --> 00:09:29,612 I... 230 00:09:29,612 --> 00:09:31,614 really like Wow Cow. 231 00:09:31,614 --> 00:09:33,877 I've seen how the family belittles you. 232 00:09:33,877 --> 00:09:35,487 They treat you like an outsider. 233 00:09:35,487 --> 00:09:38,752 You know, my ex-wife used to make me feel like an outsider, 234 00:09:38,752 --> 00:09:40,449 even when I was insider. 235 00:09:40,449 --> 00:09:43,060 [laughs] That's sad. 236 00:09:43,060 --> 00:09:44,671 And then she left me. 237 00:09:44,671 --> 00:09:46,107 Your wife left you? 238 00:09:46,107 --> 00:09:49,371 My wife left me, too, for an entire bobsled team. 239 00:09:49,371 --> 00:09:52,635 Since then, I've been desperate for connection. 240 00:09:52,635 --> 00:09:53,767 I'd do... 241 00:09:53,767 --> 00:09:55,203 [both] Anything to fit in. 242 00:09:55,203 --> 00:09:58,075 [gasps] You're pathetic the same way I'm pathetic. 243 00:09:58,075 --> 00:10:01,905 Klaus, you and I are two fish in the same school. 244 00:10:01,905 --> 00:10:04,038 You make me feel understood, Dick. 245 00:10:04,038 --> 00:10:06,997 A sensitive soul in a cruel world. 246 00:10:06,997 --> 00:10:10,261 Hey! Can I get that [bleep] spoon I asked for? 247 00:10:10,261 --> 00:10:12,350 Ah, I shouldn't be hard on her. 248 00:10:12,350 --> 00:10:14,962 We're definitely leaving without paying. 249 00:10:14,962 --> 00:10:18,095 [jazz music playing] 250 00:10:18,095 --> 00:10:21,229 Who knew all we needed was a fully staffed yacht 251 00:10:21,229 --> 00:10:24,972 with a 60-foot water slide and a jazz quartet 252 00:10:24,972 --> 00:10:27,017 to feel like ourselves again. 253 00:10:27,017 --> 00:10:29,106 Got to give it to Roger for hooking it up. 254 00:10:29,106 --> 00:10:30,934 - Hey, where is Roger? - [Roger] Hey, fam. 255 00:10:30,934 --> 00:10:32,022 I have great news. 256 00:10:32,022 --> 00:10:33,937 I just scored in a trade, 257 00:10:33,937 --> 00:10:36,287 robbed these Somalian pirates blind. 258 00:10:36,287 --> 00:10:37,419 Wait, what? 259 00:10:37,419 --> 00:10:39,116 For our yacht, I got this incredible 260 00:10:39,116 --> 00:10:41,945 oar boat, a gift certificate for Sam Goody, 261 00:10:41,945 --> 00:10:44,078 and a whole herd of cattle that we have to pick up 262 00:10:44,078 --> 00:10:45,688 in the Galapagos later. 263 00:10:45,688 --> 00:10:46,950 You traded the yacht? 264 00:10:46,950 --> 00:10:48,082 Are you insane? 265 00:10:48,082 --> 00:10:49,387 We have to be reasonable. 266 00:10:49,387 --> 00:10:51,172 The yacht is too big, it's too heavy. 267 00:10:51,172 --> 00:10:52,913 We got to travel light and skippy 268 00:10:52,913 --> 00:10:54,262 if we want to find the giant. 269 00:10:54,262 --> 00:10:57,134 Whoa, wait. We're actually looking for a giant? 270 00:10:57,134 --> 00:10:59,702 - That's a myth. - A myth you made up. 271 00:10:59,702 --> 00:11:00,964 Exactly. 272 00:11:00,964 --> 00:11:02,966 So if it's not a real myth, it must be true. 273 00:11:02,966 --> 00:11:05,012 Sorry, gang. He's actually right about that. 274 00:11:05,012 --> 00:11:06,230 I don't care. 275 00:11:06,230 --> 00:11:08,276 I'm entitled to a good vacation, 276 00:11:08,276 --> 00:11:11,322 and I'm not leaving this yacht for anything. 277 00:11:11,322 --> 00:11:12,584 [laughing] 278 00:11:12,584 --> 00:11:13,977 [cheering] 279 00:11:13,977 --> 00:11:15,283 This is gonna be great. 280 00:11:15,283 --> 00:11:17,328 You're gonna lose so much weight rowing, 281 00:11:17,328 --> 00:11:19,504 and then you're gonna gain it all back eating cattle. 282 00:11:19,504 --> 00:11:21,158 We're not gonna breed them or milk them. 283 00:11:21,158 --> 00:11:22,943 We're just gonna eat 'em all. 284 00:11:22,943 --> 00:11:24,945 [wind whistling] 285 00:11:24,945 --> 00:11:27,991 I've had the best time with you today, Dick. 286 00:11:27,991 --> 00:11:30,428 We've hit up all my favorite spots-- 287 00:11:30,428 --> 00:11:33,997 Wow Cow, the mechanical horse outside CVS, 288 00:11:33,997 --> 00:11:36,173 And now the Hallmark Store? 289 00:11:36,173 --> 00:11:37,653 Glad you're having fun. 290 00:11:37,653 --> 00:11:40,612 I got to mail this "Props on your new gig, slick" 291 00:11:40,612 --> 00:11:41,918 card to myself. 292 00:11:41,918 --> 00:11:43,833 Be right back. No problem. 293 00:11:43,833 --> 00:11:45,530 Psst. Klaus. 294 00:11:45,530 --> 00:11:46,706 Lewis? 295 00:11:46,706 --> 00:11:48,011 How do you know that guy you're with? 296 00:11:48,011 --> 00:11:49,752 You mean, Dick? He's staying with me. 297 00:11:49,752 --> 00:11:51,493 Dick is staying in your house? 298 00:11:51,493 --> 00:11:53,800 You have to get him out before it's too late. 299 00:11:53,800 --> 00:11:54,975 Dick's a squatter! 300 00:11:54,975 --> 00:11:56,716 No way. Dick's my bro. 301 00:11:56,716 --> 00:11:59,022 Listen, a few months back, I hired Dick to watch 302 00:11:59,022 --> 00:12:00,937 my pet boa constrictor, T'Challa, 303 00:12:00,937 --> 00:12:02,286 while I was on vacation. 304 00:12:02,286 --> 00:12:04,245 Has Dick gotten any mail to your house? 305 00:12:04,245 --> 00:12:07,857 Not yet, but he did forward his mail. 306 00:12:07,857 --> 00:12:09,467 Why do you ask? 307 00:12:09,467 --> 00:12:12,035 Because once he establishes residency with the post office 308 00:12:12,035 --> 00:12:13,733 and stays for at least a month, 309 00:12:13,733 --> 00:12:16,561 you can't get him out! 310 00:12:16,561 --> 00:12:18,738 He tried to do that to me, but luckily, 311 00:12:18,738 --> 00:12:21,175 I had to cut my trip to Hedonism II short due to 312 00:12:21,175 --> 00:12:24,482 a condition clinically known as "gonorrhea mania." 313 00:12:24,482 --> 00:12:27,877 You mean, Dick's going to steal our house? 314 00:12:27,877 --> 00:12:29,400 You still have time to stop him. 315 00:12:29,400 --> 00:12:32,186 Oh, damn. I've got a job interview at Orange Julius. 316 00:12:32,186 --> 00:12:34,318 I'm putting you down as a reference. 317 00:12:34,928 --> 00:12:36,799 - Ready to go? - No. 318 00:12:36,799 --> 00:12:38,758 I just had a very disturbing run-in 319 00:12:38,758 --> 00:12:40,716 with Principal Lewis. 320 00:12:40,716 --> 00:12:42,457 He told me everything. 321 00:12:42,457 --> 00:12:44,894 - Lewis? Who is Lewis? - Shut up! 322 00:12:44,894 --> 00:12:48,768 I know you're a squatter and you're trying to take our house. 323 00:12:48,768 --> 00:12:50,160 Maybe I am. 324 00:12:50,160 --> 00:12:52,206 But come on, it's obvious from the family's rules 325 00:12:52,206 --> 00:12:53,990 that they don't even care about you. 326 00:12:53,990 --> 00:12:55,470 They call you "it". 327 00:12:55,470 --> 00:12:57,864 And you're gonna help them? 328 00:12:57,864 --> 00:12:59,779 No, I'm gonna help you. 329 00:12:59,779 --> 00:13:02,129 I want in. 330 00:13:04,000 --> 00:13:05,349 Faster. Faster. 331 00:13:05,349 --> 00:13:07,351 We need to hustle if we're going to find the giant. 332 00:13:07,351 --> 00:13:12,095 Dad! This is getting almost as bad as Gettysburg. 333 00:13:12,095 --> 00:13:14,532 - Screw this. I'm making a call. - [beeps] 334 00:13:16,708 --> 00:13:17,971 We can't hover any longer. 335 00:13:17,971 --> 00:13:19,233 We got to turn back. 336 00:13:19,233 --> 00:13:21,844 Roger, last chance. Get on the chopper. 337 00:13:21,844 --> 00:13:24,804 Can't. I got to find that giant! 338 00:13:24,804 --> 00:13:26,588 The giant's not real, you fool! 339 00:13:26,588 --> 00:13:28,808 That's what they said about Atlantis. 340 00:13:28,808 --> 00:13:31,071 And they were right! 341 00:13:31,071 --> 00:13:33,682 Sorry? What was that last thing? 342 00:13:39,470 --> 00:13:42,125 Ah, nothing like being at sea for a month 343 00:13:42,125 --> 00:13:44,301 to make my scurvy flare up. 344 00:13:44,301 --> 00:13:46,260 Odd. My key doesn't work. 345 00:13:46,260 --> 00:13:47,870 Dick! Dick, can you give me a hand? 346 00:13:47,870 --> 00:13:49,002 My key isn't working. 347 00:13:49,002 --> 00:13:51,439 I can't let you in, Stan. 348 00:13:51,439 --> 00:13:54,964 Oh, no, did Klaus screw up the door from the inside? 349 00:13:54,964 --> 00:13:56,966 This isn't your house anymore. 350 00:13:56,966 --> 00:13:58,446 It's ours. 351 00:13:58,446 --> 00:14:01,231 Since you abandoned it and took to the open sea 352 00:14:01,231 --> 00:14:03,886 for a month, Dick and I established residency 353 00:14:03,886 --> 00:14:05,801 and took ownership. 354 00:14:05,801 --> 00:14:08,673 Maritime laws. Look it up. 355 00:14:09,109 --> 00:14:10,327 I will not. 356 00:14:10,327 --> 00:14:11,807 Why are you doing this, Dick? 357 00:14:11,807 --> 00:14:13,200 It's gonna be awkward at work. 358 00:14:13,200 --> 00:14:14,854 You got me fired! 359 00:14:14,854 --> 00:14:16,464 Oh, yeah. 360 00:14:17,987 --> 00:14:19,728 Forget that. This is my house. 361 00:14:19,728 --> 00:14:24,341 And I'm getting in with a little help from my friends, B and E. 362 00:14:25,386 --> 00:14:27,257 Aw, man, I think I made it harder for us. 363 00:14:27,257 --> 00:14:28,345 [siren wails, tires squeal] 364 00:14:28,345 --> 00:14:30,521 Thank God, the pigs! 365 00:14:31,218 --> 00:14:32,828 They're here for you. 366 00:14:32,828 --> 00:14:34,351 But it's my house! 367 00:14:34,351 --> 00:14:36,092 Not according to maritime law, it isn't. 368 00:14:36,092 --> 00:14:37,354 What if I shoot them? 369 00:14:37,354 --> 00:14:39,008 I mean, it would still be their house. 370 00:14:39,008 --> 00:14:40,880 He's not gonna shoot you! 371 00:14:40,880 --> 00:14:42,229 But you can shoot him, 372 00:14:42,229 --> 00:14:44,971 since he's trespassing on your property! 373 00:14:44,971 --> 00:14:46,537 [Klaus] Fair enough. 374 00:14:46,537 --> 00:14:48,017 [gunfire] 375 00:14:48,017 --> 00:14:49,497 [tires squeal] 376 00:14:50,759 --> 00:14:52,108 [wind whistling] 377 00:14:52,108 --> 00:14:53,675 Those bastards. 378 00:14:53,675 --> 00:14:55,068 Not the cops. 379 00:14:55,068 --> 00:14:57,157 It was super cool of them to take my $10,000 bribe. 380 00:14:57,157 --> 00:14:58,375 That was your bail, Dad. 381 00:14:58,375 --> 00:14:59,724 This isn't over for you. 382 00:14:59,724 --> 00:15:01,901 Well, then, screw them and Dick and Klaus. 383 00:15:01,901 --> 00:15:04,207 But how can we get the house back? Take 'em to court? 384 00:15:04,207 --> 00:15:06,122 And read all that sea law? 385 00:15:06,122 --> 00:15:07,341 No thanks. 386 00:15:07,341 --> 00:15:09,560 Maybe we just have to face it. 387 00:15:09,560 --> 00:15:12,215 Klaus screwed us over for good this time. 388 00:15:12,215 --> 00:15:14,130 We can't let Klaus win. 389 00:15:14,130 --> 00:15:15,871 Hey, Steve, you got any thoughts? 390 00:15:15,871 --> 00:15:17,394 Yeah. 391 00:15:17,394 --> 00:15:20,571 Was the Candy Land Airbnb the only one available, or... 392 00:15:20,571 --> 00:15:23,313 No, there was also a house with all beige carpeting. 393 00:15:23,313 --> 00:15:25,576 Would you have liked me following you around all day? 394 00:15:25,576 --> 00:15:27,752 "Don't Spill. Don't Spill." 395 00:15:27,752 --> 00:15:29,667 [wind whistling] 396 00:15:31,365 --> 00:15:34,368 New rule, Klaus. There are no rules. 397 00:15:34,368 --> 00:15:36,326 Yeah, eff that thing. 398 00:15:36,326 --> 00:15:39,634 I love being a homeowner. 399 00:15:39,634 --> 00:15:42,767 I don't think we should take down the family photo. 400 00:15:42,767 --> 00:15:44,117 Why not? 401 00:15:44,117 --> 00:15:46,206 You don't still care about these jerks, do you? 402 00:15:46,206 --> 00:15:47,555 No way. 403 00:15:47,555 --> 00:15:49,470 I'm just afraid your naked body 404 00:15:49,470 --> 00:15:51,994 doesn't match the color scheme of the room. 405 00:15:51,994 --> 00:15:53,343 You're afraid of that? 406 00:15:53,343 --> 00:15:55,128 I'm not afraid of anything. 407 00:15:55,128 --> 00:15:57,782 Well, except g-g-g-ghosts. 408 00:15:58,914 --> 00:16:00,524 Look, I'm just gonna say it. 409 00:16:00,524 --> 00:16:03,963 The hula skirts are cultural appropriation. 410 00:16:11,840 --> 00:16:14,277 [Francine] Stick to the rules, but don't forget to have 411 00:16:14,277 --> 00:16:16,584 some fun with Klaus from time to time. 412 00:16:16,584 --> 00:16:19,804 He loves Wow Cow and superhero movies. 413 00:16:19,804 --> 00:16:23,417 He goes nuts for the mechanical horse at CVS. 414 00:16:23,417 --> 00:16:25,593 Oh, that horse is so badass. 415 00:16:25,593 --> 00:16:27,464 [Stan] Try to watch stuff with him downstairs 416 00:16:27,464 --> 00:16:29,162 so he doesn't get lonely at night. 417 00:16:29,162 --> 00:16:31,903 The downstairs TV sucks, so don't watch cool stuff 418 00:16:31,903 --> 00:16:33,514 like Avatar and Westworld on it, 419 00:16:33,514 --> 00:16:35,342 but it's fine for Impractical Jokers, 420 00:16:35,342 --> 00:16:37,300 which is all Klaus watches anyway. 421 00:16:37,300 --> 00:16:40,477 Wow. They really know me. 422 00:16:40,477 --> 00:16:44,046 Hey, Dick didn't tell me the nice stuff they said. 423 00:16:44,046 --> 00:16:46,831 That snaky bitch. 424 00:16:46,831 --> 00:16:52,446 Wait. Was that tiger originally Tommy Lee Jones? 425 00:16:53,882 --> 00:16:55,492 [seagulls crying] 426 00:16:59,061 --> 00:17:01,498 Tall Jeremy! My man! 427 00:17:01,498 --> 00:17:04,675 Thanks for rescuing me. You don't look so good. 428 00:17:04,675 --> 00:17:06,634 I'm sick. 429 00:17:06,634 --> 00:17:08,723 [groans] 430 00:17:09,811 --> 00:17:10,855 [sneezes] 431 00:17:10,855 --> 00:17:12,901 [seagulls screech] 432 00:17:12,901 --> 00:17:16,252 Ohhh. That's what's causing all the wind. 433 00:17:16,252 --> 00:17:19,342 [sighs] I don't know. 434 00:17:20,691 --> 00:17:22,258 [blows] 435 00:17:22,258 --> 00:17:23,520 [squeals] 436 00:17:23,520 --> 00:17:24,869 [slurps] 437 00:17:24,869 --> 00:17:26,393 Ow! 438 00:17:26,393 --> 00:17:29,874 Oh, soup's too hot to eat! 439 00:17:29,874 --> 00:17:32,877 I hate being sick. 440 00:17:32,877 --> 00:17:35,619 Hang in there, buckaroo. You'll feel better soon. 441 00:17:35,619 --> 00:17:37,839 In the meantime, could you maybe eat cold soup? 442 00:17:37,839 --> 00:17:41,103 The blowing is really doing a number on our coastal cities. 443 00:17:41,103 --> 00:17:42,800 Cold soup? Nah. 444 00:17:42,800 --> 00:17:45,803 I'll just go back to eating people. 445 00:17:45,803 --> 00:17:46,891 That works. 446 00:17:46,891 --> 00:17:48,676 You can tell I'm not a people, right? 447 00:17:48,676 --> 00:17:51,157 Of course. Can't everybody? 448 00:17:51,157 --> 00:17:53,376 Great. So eat people, cover your mouth 449 00:17:53,376 --> 00:17:54,812 with that squid when you sneeze, 450 00:17:54,812 --> 00:17:57,902 and can you throw me about a thousand miles that way? 451 00:17:57,902 --> 00:17:59,730 No problemo. 452 00:18:01,123 --> 00:18:02,168 [grunts] 453 00:18:02,168 --> 00:18:04,648 [Roger] Gracias, amigo! 454 00:18:08,957 --> 00:18:11,090 You were right. I have to get rid of Dick. 455 00:18:11,090 --> 00:18:13,701 But it's too late. He already has squatter's rights. 456 00:18:13,701 --> 00:18:16,791 There must be some way to get him out of the house. 457 00:18:17,618 --> 00:18:19,359 Maybe you could scare him out. 458 00:18:19,359 --> 00:18:21,578 How? He's not afraid of anything. 459 00:18:21,578 --> 00:18:24,407 We went to that trampoline park, and he barely even looked at 460 00:18:24,407 --> 00:18:26,017 the waiver before signing it. 461 00:18:26,017 --> 00:18:30,021 Oh, and he uses the bathroom at the beach. 462 00:18:30,021 --> 00:18:31,240 He's fearless! 463 00:18:31,240 --> 00:18:34,722 [gasps] Oh, no, he's not. 464 00:18:38,247 --> 00:18:41,729 [chains rattling, growling] 465 00:18:41,729 --> 00:18:43,165 He-hello? 466 00:18:43,165 --> 00:18:44,949 [deep voice] Dick... 467 00:18:44,949 --> 00:18:48,214 I've come for you. 468 00:18:48,214 --> 00:18:49,737 A ghost! 469 00:18:49,737 --> 00:18:52,522 Are you the spirit of the old woman whose condo I stole? 470 00:18:52,522 --> 00:18:55,917 No, I'm a generic ghost. 471 00:18:55,917 --> 00:18:57,962 [screams] 472 00:18:59,268 --> 00:19:00,443 Whoa, that was fast. 473 00:19:00,443 --> 00:19:02,184 We didn't even get to do the bleeding walls 474 00:19:02,184 --> 00:19:03,707 or the fake satanic ritual. 475 00:19:04,752 --> 00:19:06,928 Tuttle, you can come out now. 476 00:19:06,928 --> 00:19:08,451 It's already over? 477 00:19:08,451 --> 00:19:09,844 Yeah. Sorry, man. 478 00:19:09,844 --> 00:19:12,499 Is that what you think a ghost looks like? 479 00:19:14,718 --> 00:19:16,633 - [beep] - [Stan] Hey, this is Chris Pratt. 480 00:19:16,633 --> 00:19:18,069 Nah, I'm just playin'. 481 00:19:18,069 --> 00:19:19,897 It's Stan. Leave a message after the... 482 00:19:19,897 --> 00:19:20,942 [beep] 483 00:19:20,942 --> 00:19:23,249 [chuckles] Oh, that was good, Stan. 484 00:19:23,249 --> 00:19:24,859 I needed that laugh. 485 00:19:24,859 --> 00:19:27,862 It's been rough lately, stealing the house from you and all. 486 00:19:27,862 --> 00:19:30,604 Anyhoo, I've got a big surprise for you. 487 00:19:30,604 --> 00:19:32,301 Meet me at the house. 488 00:19:32,301 --> 00:19:34,129 You're gonna be thrilled. 489 00:19:34,129 --> 00:19:35,696 - 'Kay, bye. - [phone beeps] 490 00:19:35,696 --> 00:19:39,569 Phew! Dick's gone, and now I'm gonna get my family back. 491 00:19:39,569 --> 00:19:41,180 Well done, me. 492 00:19:42,877 --> 00:19:44,008 [gasps] 493 00:19:49,100 --> 00:19:51,320 Phew! That could have gotten out of hand. 494 00:19:51,320 --> 00:19:53,409 - [blows] - [fire crackling] 495 00:19:53,409 --> 00:19:56,456 Oh, no, no, no, no, no! 496 00:19:56,456 --> 00:19:57,718 Shit. 497 00:20:00,721 --> 00:20:02,679 [car doors closing] 498 00:20:02,679 --> 00:20:05,204 What the [bleep] did you do? 499 00:20:05,204 --> 00:20:06,553 I got rid of Dick! 500 00:20:06,553 --> 00:20:09,338 And I saved the family photo. 501 00:20:09,338 --> 00:20:10,992 You burned down the house! 502 00:20:10,992 --> 00:20:15,518 Yes, but what I learned is, it's not about the house. 503 00:20:15,518 --> 00:20:18,347 It's the people who make a home. 504 00:20:18,347 --> 00:20:19,696 - The carpenters? - No. 505 00:20:19,696 --> 00:20:21,220 - The architect. - No. 506 00:20:21,220 --> 00:20:23,483 - Contractors? - No. 507 00:20:23,483 --> 00:20:24,788 What are you talking about? 508 00:20:24,788 --> 00:20:26,486 Let me explain another way. 509 00:20:26,486 --> 00:20:27,965 It's like this photo. 510 00:20:27,965 --> 00:20:30,229 The house is the frame, which isn't important. 511 00:20:30,229 --> 00:20:34,058 You get me? But you guys are the people in the photo. 512 00:20:34,058 --> 00:20:35,538 [all] No shit! 513 00:20:35,538 --> 00:20:37,192 [grunting] 514 00:20:37,192 --> 00:20:38,541 The giant was real! 515 00:20:38,541 --> 00:20:39,934 And he's got a hell of an arm. 516 00:20:39,934 --> 00:20:41,805 Damn, you gave Klaus a babysitter 517 00:20:41,805 --> 00:20:43,807 and he still burned down the house? 518 00:20:43,807 --> 00:20:46,070 Come on, Jeff, let's do it in the ashes. 519 00:20:46,070 --> 00:20:48,638 Babe, you are such a little freak. 520 00:20:48,638 --> 00:20:51,075 Whoa that's got to be tough to hear, Stan. 521 00:20:51,075 --> 00:20:54,992 Why's that? Should I be upset my daughter pulls ass? 522 00:20:56,342 --> 00:20:58,300 Have a great night!