Who wants cheese?
Our plate and knife are dirty, so you'll have to nibble off the block.
Dang. Brita-filtered water and now a big cheese?
You two really have it all figured out.
But I feel bad. We always hang here.
Maybe tomorrow night, we could do a girls' night at my apartment.
Apartment? Don't you live at home with your parents?
No, I meant I was apart from them.
An apart-ment, get it?
I can put anything I want up on my walls.
With pushpins. I'm not allowed to use nails.
INNER VOICE: You sound like an idiot right now.
- A girls' night sounds great. - We're in.
Cool beans.
"Cool beans"? What the (BLEEP) is cool about beans?
(THEME SONG PLAYING)
(SINGING) Good morning, USA
I got a feeling That it's gonna be a wonderful day
The sun in the sky Has a smile on his face
And he's shining a salute To the American race
Oh, boy, it's swell to say
Good morning, USA
There. I think I'm ready for girls' night.
INNER VOICE: I'm sure they won't notice your dining table is your childhood bed.
- (GROWLS) - Babe, you okay?
You're growling more than normal.
It's just... Okay, you know how when you're nervous,
you hear, like, a little judgmental voice in your head?
Maybe. I'm trying to get better at reading your moods.
You're either stressed or horny?
- Stressed. - Aw, shucks.
Why is this night so important to you?
Settle in, Jeff.
When I was a kid, Big City Honeys was my favorite show.
The Honeys are young women living together in the city.
I always imagined that when I grew up, I would be just like them.
Living in the big city,
falling in and out of love, but always having the support of my fellow Honeys
when I needed it.
But until I met Nerfer and Danuta,
I never had real girlfriends.
That's a sad.
I just need to make sure there's nothing embarrassing in the house
that could ruin the night.
(PANTS)
Wait till Snot sees my washboard abs.
Steve, do you still have those freckles on your wrists?
(GROANS)
Check it out. We're making Rogu a girlfriend out of canned pork.
Meet SPAM Anderson.
Look.
The boogerman.
(ROGU LAUGHS)
Love it when the house is peaceful like this.
Thanks for putting those turkeys in the shed.
We have big plans tonight.
Roger is opening a fancy new spa in the attic,
and we're going to be his first customers.
Who's ready for a two-hour couples massage?
I'm Rub Rub Tuggington, and I'll...
Wow. I had never said that name out loud. I hate it.
Definitely gonna change that awful name. One of my worst.
It's fine. The name's temporary. It'll be an easy change.
Might have to order new business cards.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)
My God. It's everywhere.
(CHUCKLES)
This place is supposed to be a relaxing, professional retreat.
The worst thing that can happen to your spa
is it gets known as a jerk-off place.
Okay. Keep it together, Roger.
You mean Rub Rub Tuggington.
Yes, thank you, Francine.
Let's forget about this small branding snafu
and get you two ready for your massage.
Argh!
Carpal tunnel!
Rub Rub Tuggington, are you okay?
Stop saying my name!
(NERVOUSLY) Tonight is the night and we are living it.
INNER VOICE: Wow! You should be a speechwriter
for the President of Numbskull Island.
Yeah, we're excited.
Been looking forward to this all day.
Excited, too, I am.
Now you're talking like Yoda.
Say something cool.
Doesn't Nancy Kerrigan make you guys want to puke?
Uh...
I thought we could watch this.
Big City Honeys.
It was my favorite show when I was a kid.
Huh, never heard of it.
Me neither, but growing up,
my parents only let me watch Christian shows and pro wrestling.
(HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
So Kendra is uptight, Lexi is a total party girl,
and Max is just, like, you know, out there.
INNER VOICE: (WHISPERS) You're over-explaining.
Their landlord, Mr. Orlando, is always in their business,
along with their goofball neighbor, Edgar Queefinski,
or Queef, for short.
Oh, there's Queef.
INNER VOICE: Stop saying "Queef".
I can't have my head stuck in a pickle jar.
I have a date tonight.
(LAUGH TRACK PLAYING)
It gets funnier.
Liar! You know it doesn't get any funnier than the pickle jar.
They think you're a bozo.
Guys, I'm not a bozo.
I am in a desperate situation. I need to talk to Dr. Penguin.
Don't you want to talk to your mother and father?
Definitely not.
Phew! 'Cause I got my own shit going on.
You know I haven't peed in a week?
I'm in the middle of a massage here
and Dr. Penguin, I think, is possibly still dead.
Oh, yeah? Well, I have a Groupon.
Tell me what's on your mind.
I've had this judgmental voice of self-doubt in my head my whole life.
But now, it's gotten so constant, I'm doubting everything.
- INNER VOICE: No, you're not. - (GROWLS)
I see.
I do, of course,
have a tried and true therapy for this situation
that's never been tested.
I will try anything to get this voice out of my head.
Fantastic. Get ready for a little HIV.
High-intensity visualization.
Wow. I guess I'm just terrible at naming everything now.
Okay. This should only be done by a trained therapist.
Otherwise, you'll get AIDS.
Automatic, intense de-visualization syndrome.
Let's get this critical voice out of your head and into that painting.
INNER VOICE: This is never gonna work.
Start taking deep breaths.
In and out.
- (BREATHS DEEPLY) - Take in the painting in front of you
and rid yourself of your critical voice.
Send it away.
I send it away.
Away into the painting, that horrible critic.
It's made every day of my life worse.
INNER VOICE: I did teach you how to masturbate correctly.
Shut up. I was doing fine.
You were rubbing your belly button.
It felt good.
Guys, can we focus here?
Never to be heard from again!
I send you into the painting.
- This will never wor... - (WIND BLOWING)
I... I don't hear it.
Wait. I should get bangs.
Nothing. It's gone!
Thank you, Dr. Penguin.
Dr. Penguin, a great name.
Well, back to being Rub Rub.
(GROANS)
- Sorry I had to run off like that. - No problem.
We have our phones.
It's nice to have some time to just enjoy our phones.
(COW MOOING)
What was that?
Hey, girl.
I sent you into the painting. Why are you a cow?
There was a cow in the painting.
Oh, by the way, I heard you were thinking of getting bangs.
You're gonna look so stupid.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
So nice to be out of your dumb head.
I'm a cow. Check out my sweet little boobies.
What?
Your visualization therapy gave me a cow that only I can see.
Ha. Weird.
If only you can see the cow, just ignore it.
- Tickle. Door. - (GIGGLES)
You know what? He's right. I'll just ignore you.
You can't ignore me.
I'm not a diarrhea sign at a public pool.
- Who wants to play Frontiers of Finkel? - What?
(READS BOX)
It's a board game where you colonize an alien planet.
Hayley, why have you been acting so strange?
Why do you keep running out of the room?
These are solid questions, Hayley.
Is this a girls' night or an interrogation?
The only question you guys should be asking
is what space guild you wanna join.
Look at their faces.
Clearly wondering why they ever became friends with you.
Everybody grab five resource tokens.
No, Danuta, those are energy coins. Nerfer, those are moon doubloons.
You wish you could use those this round.
- What's this? - Uh, a half-eaten weed gummy.
"After a thousand-year journey,
"welcome to Planet Finkel, space colonists."
Okay, first step is an audit of assets.
- Ooh! - Shut up!
- Is everything okay? - I have to go to the bathroom.
They think you're taking a huge dump.
I have to take a tiny dump.
That sounds way worse.
(SHED PRISONERS LAUGHING)
Guys, I think we might be feeling the effects
- of that open can of Goop Off! - I'll close it up.
But before I do, I just want to say
that you guys are the best friends I've ever had in my life.
Can anyone else hear their brain cells dying?
(ALL LAUGHING)
I can't remember why I'm up here.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Baby blue VW Beetle?
(SNIFFS)
Empress by Sean John perfume?
Danuta walking around?
That can only be Danuta. Danuta!
Yeah, she and that hottie, Nerfer, are here tonight.
I have to get out of here. I need to tell her something.
Then, damn it, we'll get you out of here.
We're the Shed Boys.
We'll do anything for each other.
Can we tell each other anything?
Hell yeah.
I've been eating the Kingsford Charcoal briquets
and I like them.
Shed Boys!
(COUGHING)
You know, despite you being here,
I think the night is going pretty well.
Hayley, I have four stomachs and even I can't swallow that.
Who cares if your friendship is over?
You got me!
But I'd like to blow you up with dynamite.
Oh, wait. I know how to save the night!
I've got three M-80s.
Let's throw one in the block of cheese and class this bish up with some fondue.
They're gone.
Screw them, Hayley. Let's go outside and swat flies from our asses.
(CELL PHONE CHIMES)
Danuta texted.
"Sorry, Hayley, we took off.
"It seems like you're going through something. Peace out."
And then Nerfer sent a GIF of Deadpool waving goodbye.
Okay, eating all those cheeseburgers did nothing for my carpal tunnel.
Should we maybe just go?
No! I promised you a massage, and you're getting one.
Stan, you will massage Francine while I expertly coach.
The most important thing
is that the massage cannot get sexual in any way.
Now let me put on some relaxing spa music.
(MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING)
Under no circumstances should you be aroused by this.
Almost forgot the oil.
(GRUNTS)
Ahhh!
That's good, Stan, but forget the shoulders and focus on her butt.
Get in there, don't be shy. Really knead that ass.
Think pizza dough.
(MOANING)
(CHUCKLES)
You can't bang her, Stan.
That kind of thing doesn't fly at this spa.
All right, turn over. Let's work the knots out of those breasts.
What should we do now?
Maybe see what some of your exes are up to!
What's the deal with Reginald?
Are we gonna talk about how you slept with a koala?
I can't take this anymore! That's it, I'm getting rid of you.
Uh, good luck, girl. I'm your cow.
Not for long. If I got you through visualization therapy,
I can use it to get rid of you.
Didn't Dr. Penguin say not to do this without a trained professional?
I like that you're nervous about this.
I send this cow...
Danuta! Where is she?
Klaus has something important to tell her.
She's gotta be in here somewhere!
Tear this place apart!
- (GRUNTS) - Hi-ya!
She's not here!
She couldn't have gotten far. We have to find her!
- JEFF: I see her! - STEVE: No, that's Greg.
Hey, newsman, have you seen Danuta?
- GREG: Who? - Danuta! What, are you new here?
JEFF: There's tracks!
Those are Danuta's paws, for sure. And it leads right to...
- Ahhh! Raccoon! - (RACCOON SNARLING)
(JEFF SCREAMING)
(ROGU CHUCKLES)
I wish I could just be in the show. That's all I ever really wanted,
to have best friends who love me no matter what.
I want to be a Big City Honey.
(WIND WHISTLING)
- Am I... - Late for breakfast?
Yeah, Hayley, you are.
But I get it. Max is trying to cook again.
(LAUGH TRACK PLAYING)
Breakfast is served.
(LAUGH TRACK PLAYING)
(HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
Hey, I'm not that bad of a cook.
- Your food gives my heartburn heartburn. - (LAUGH TRACK PLAYING)
Hello, 911? I'd like to report a bad frittata.
(LAUGH TRACK PLAYING)
Well, my life is over.
(SIGHS) I just ran into my boss while I was doing the walk of shame.
Lexi, are you part camel? Because you sure love to hump!
(LAUGH TRACK PLAYING)
Yeah, you've had more Plan Bs than an over-prepared scout leader.
(LAUGH TRACK PLAYING)
All I know is, I need a daiquiri.
QUEEF: I'll take one too!
(AUDIENCE CHEERS)
Queef! You know we have a door.
- Yeah, but you lock your door. - Exacta-mundo.
It's almost summer. Who wants to help me with my manscaping?
I need to trim down the winter bush.
(LAUGH TRACK PLAYING)
Razor? Try a weed whacker.
(LAUGH TRACK PLAYING)
God, I love being here.
I used to think there was something wrong with me
and I could never keep any of my friends,
but being here makes me see that I was never the problem.
Uh, overshare much?
- (LAUGH TRACK PLAYING) - (KNOCKING ON DOOR)
It's probably my date. Hayley, get the door.
Moo.
(LAUGH TRACK PLAYING)
Jeez, Hayley. Rude much?
Everyone, this is my cow.
Holy cow! This is udder madness.
(LAUGH TRACK PLAYING)
Personally, I prefer Louis Vuitton to emotional baggage.
- (LAUGH TRACK PLAYING) - (KNOCKING ON DOOR)
MAN: What is going on in there?
Mr. Orlando!
There's no pets allowed in the building.
If we get evicted, I'll lose you all.
Whoa, someone forgot her chill pill this morning.
(LAUGH TRACK PLAYING)
Everyone, shut up! This is serious. I am not (BLEEP) around!
Do I look like I'm (BLEEP) around? Because I assure you, I am not!
Hayley, are you part witch? Because you love to curse.
(LAUGH TRACK PLAYING)
Why is everyone acting like this is some joke?
I told you this was a bad idea.
I am not gonna let you screw this up for me!
You can't hide me forever, Hayley.
I may sleep standing up, but I won't stand for this!
(LAUGH TRACK PLAYING)
(CHUCKLES) You girls think I'm pretty dumb.
Now, something's going on in here, and I know what it is.
You girls are flushing tampons again!
Jeez, Mr. Orlando. What is with you and tampons?
I've been unhappily married for 30 years,
so I think I know women.
And they love flushing tampons!
(LAUGH TRACK PLAYING)
- (CLATTERING) - What was that?
Get real, buddy. You're not getting into that bathroom.
Not without a goddamn warrant.
(AUDIENCE GASPS)
I actually think I saw a tampon in this bucket.
You did? Let me see.
- (GROANS) - (LAUGH TRACK PLAYING)
See? Nothing going on in there.
(COW MOOING)
What is that racket?
Nothing! And whatever it is, I'm trying to repress it.
Moo!
Damn, that cow is yoked!
(LAUGH TRACK PLAYING)
- Ahhh! - (GROANS)
I married the wrong cow. My wife never gives me head.
(LAUGH TRACK PLAYING)
You can't hide me anymore!
You're fighting a losing battle with your cattle!
I can't believe you ruined this.
This was my dream. You ruin everything!
You're the reason I've never been able to keep friends!
I hate you!
(SOBBING)
What the hell is going on here?
Hayley, I warned you not to do that therapy without me!
Why is the cow crying?
Probably a Knicks fan.
(LAUGH TRACK PLAYING)
Okay, that's hilarious. And true, the Knicks are terrible.
I think. I don't really follow the sport, if indeed it is a sport.
Roger, why are you here?
I'm here to help you, Hayley. Don't you see?
By trying to hide your negative thoughts,
you only made your cow bigger.
Why did you ever think you could get rid of something that's part of you?
You told me I could! It was your therapy!
Paid for with a Groupon.
(SIGHS) What do I need to do to fix this mess?
Hayley, your cow is only trying to protect you.
(SOBS) It's true.
Instead of hiding, ignoring, or fighting with your cow,
you need to accept it.
You can't make those negative thoughts go away,
but you can learn to acknowledge them and let them pass.
Love your cow, but don't let it control you.
Being a Big City Honey means embracing every part of yourself...
Lady, I got this. Smooch your cow.
Ew! Gross, I was joking!
You didn't really need to do that, but it was hilarious.
Come on, time to go.
Whoa. That was intense. Thanks, Dr. P.
No problemo, Hayley.
But next time we go into a show, can it be Silver Spoons?
I wanna ride that little train.
Ooh! Cheese and Brita water. Were you having the queen over?
That reminds me, I should go.
I need to make things right with my friends.
Cool.
Back to work.
FRANCINE: (MOANING) Oh, yeah.
Well, Rub Rub Tuggington's business is ruined. I might as well watch.
You know what? The name's kind of growing on me.
Can you leave, Roger?
How about instead of leaving,
we have a race to see who can finish first?
You're on!
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Hey, I'm so sorry that I ruined our night.
I was just so nervous because I like you guys so much,
and I think you're so cool...
INNER VOICE: Whoa! Slow down there, girl.
(CHUCKLES) Let me slow down.
I guess you could say I got a little too in my own head.
Hayley, you don't have to be nervous or apologize for being weird.
Yeah, you have a husband and a job.
We think you're the one who's got it all figured out.
Really? Wow! I had no idea.
- Danuta! Danuta! - (GROANS)
I have to tell you something, Danuta!
What? What is it, Klaus?
Uh...
Hey.