1
00:00:03,503 --> 00:00:05,130
Who wants cheese?
2
00:00:05,130 --> 00:00:08,800
Our plate and knife are dirty,
so you'll have to nibble off the block.
3
00:00:08,800 --> 00:00:12,595
Dang. Brita-filtered water
and now a big cheese?
4
00:00:12,595 --> 00:00:14,639
You two really have it all figured out.
5
00:00:14,639 --> 00:00:16,433
But I feel bad. We always hang here.
6
00:00:16,433 --> 00:00:19,853
Maybe tomorrow night, we could do
a girls' night at my apartment.
7
00:00:19,853 --> 00:00:22,564
Apartment? Don't you live at home
with your parents?
8
00:00:22,564 --> 00:00:26,067
No, I meant I was apart from them.
9
00:00:26,067 --> 00:00:28,945
An apart-ment, get it?
10
00:00:28,945 --> 00:00:32,073
I can put anything I want
up on my walls.
11
00:00:33,074 --> 00:00:35,368
With pushpins.
I'm not allowed to use nails.
12
00:00:35,368 --> 00:00:37,662
INNER VOICE:
You sound like an idiot right now.
13
00:00:38,163 --> 00:00:40,331
- A girls' night sounds great.
- We're in.
14
00:00:40,331 --> 00:00:41,624
Cool beans.
15
00:00:41,624 --> 00:00:45,253
"Cool beans"?
What the (BLEEP) is cool about beans?
16
00:00:45,754 --> 00:00:47,297
(THEME SONG PLAYING)
17
00:00:48,548 --> 00:00:51,426
(SINGING) Good morning, USA
18
00:00:51,426 --> 00:00:55,013
I got a feeling
That it's gonna be a wonderful day
19
00:00:55,013 --> 00:00:57,849
The sun in the sky
Has a smile on his face
20
00:00:57,849 --> 00:01:01,436
And he's shining a salute
To the American race
21
00:01:04,564 --> 00:01:07,650
Oh, boy, it's swell to say
22
00:01:07,650 --> 00:01:09,986
Good morning, USA
23
00:01:12,697 --> 00:01:15,033
{\an8}Good morning, USA
24
00:01:20,246 --> 00:01:22,415
There. I think I'm ready
for girls' night.
25
00:01:22,415 --> 00:01:25,919
{\an8}INNER VOICE: I'm sure they won't notice
your dining table is your childhood bed.
26
00:01:25,919 --> 00:01:28,004
{\an8}- (GROWLS)
- Babe, you okay?
27
00:01:28,004 --> 00:01:30,048
{\an8}You're growling more than normal.
28
00:01:30,048 --> 00:01:32,550
{\an8}It's just...
Okay, you know how when you're nervous,
29
00:01:32,550 --> 00:01:36,096
{\an8}you hear, like,
a little judgmental voice in your head?
30
00:01:36,096 --> 00:01:39,599
{\an8}Maybe. I'm trying to get better
at reading your moods.
31
00:01:39,599 --> 00:01:42,435
{\an8}You're either stressed or horny?
32
00:01:42,435 --> 00:01:45,188
{\an8}- Stressed.
- Aw, shucks.
33
00:01:45,188 --> 00:01:47,315
{\an8}Why is this night so important to you?
34
00:01:47,315 --> 00:01:48,691
{\an8}Settle in, Jeff.
35
00:01:48,691 --> 00:01:52,570
{\an8}When I was a kid,
Big City Honeys was my favorite show.
36
00:01:52,570 --> 00:01:55,615
{\an8}The Honeys are young women
living together in the city.
37
00:01:55,615 --> 00:01:59,327
{\an8}I always imagined that when I grew up,
I would be just like them.
38
00:01:59,327 --> 00:02:00,787
{\an8}Living in the big city,
39
00:02:00,787 --> 00:02:04,082
{\an8}falling in and out of love, but always
having the support of my fellow Honeys
40
00:02:04,082 --> 00:02:05,583
{\an8}when I needed it.
41
00:02:05,583 --> 00:02:07,877
{\an8}But until I met Nerfer and Danuta,
42
00:02:07,877 --> 00:02:10,088
{\an8}I never had real girlfriends.
43
00:02:10,088 --> 00:02:11,381
{\an8}That's a sad.
44
00:02:11,381 --> 00:02:14,300
{\an8}I just need to make sure there's
nothing embarrassing in the house
45
00:02:14,300 --> 00:02:15,718
{\an8}that could ruin the night.
46
00:02:16,094 --> 00:02:17,595
{\an8}(PANTS)
47
00:02:17,595 --> 00:02:20,056
{\an8}Wait till Snot sees my washboard abs.
48
00:02:21,850 --> 00:02:24,519
{\an8}Steve, do you still have
those freckles on your wrists?
49
00:02:26,271 --> 00:02:28,314
{\an8}(GROANS)
50
00:02:29,649 --> 00:02:33,736
{\an8}Check it out. We're making Rogu
a girlfriend out of canned pork.
51
00:02:33,736 --> 00:02:37,448
{\an8}Meet SPAM Anderson.
52
00:02:39,909 --> 00:02:41,119
{\an8}Look.
53
00:02:41,619 --> 00:02:43,163
{\an8}The boogerman.
54
00:02:51,254 --> 00:02:52,922
{\an8}The boogerman.
55
00:02:52,922 --> 00:02:54,966
{\an8}(ROGU LAUGHS)
56
00:03:00,597 --> 00:03:02,765
Love it when the house
is peaceful like this.
57
00:03:02,765 --> 00:03:04,767
Thanks for putting those turkeys
in the shed.
58
00:03:04,767 --> 00:03:06,936
We have big plans tonight.
59
00:03:06,936 --> 00:03:10,190
Roger is opening a fancy new spa
in the attic,
60
00:03:10,190 --> 00:03:12,734
and we're going to be
his first customers.
61
00:03:12,734 --> 00:03:15,361
Who's ready
for a two-hour couples massage?
62
00:03:15,361 --> 00:03:17,655
I'm Rub Rub Tuggington, and I'll...
63
00:03:17,655 --> 00:03:20,617
Wow. I had never said that name
out loud. I hate it.
64
00:03:20,617 --> 00:03:23,453
Definitely gonna change that awful name.
One of my worst.
65
00:03:23,786 --> 00:03:26,664
It's fine. The name's temporary.
It'll be an easy change.
66
00:03:26,664 --> 00:03:28,666
Might have to order new business cards.
67
00:03:28,666 --> 00:03:31,169
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)
68
00:03:35,381 --> 00:03:38,218
My God. It's everywhere.
69
00:03:40,929 --> 00:03:42,597
(CHUCKLES)
70
00:03:43,306 --> 00:03:46,559
This place is supposed to be
a relaxing, professional retreat.
71
00:03:46,559 --> 00:03:48,770
The worst thing
that can happen to your spa
72
00:03:48,770 --> 00:03:50,855
is it gets known as a jerk-off place.
73
00:03:50,855 --> 00:03:52,565
Okay. Keep it together, Roger.
74
00:03:52,565 --> 00:03:54,275
You mean Rub Rub Tuggington.
75
00:03:54,275 --> 00:03:57,111
Yes, thank you, Francine.
76
00:03:57,111 --> 00:03:59,656
Let's forget
about this small branding snafu
77
00:03:59,656 --> 00:04:01,741
and get you two ready for your massage.
78
00:04:05,119 --> 00:04:06,871
Argh!
79
00:04:06,871 --> 00:04:08,039
Carpal tunnel!
80
00:04:08,039 --> 00:04:10,333
Rub Rub Tuggington, are you okay?
81
00:04:10,333 --> 00:04:11,918
Stop saying my name!
82
00:04:14,754 --> 00:04:17,966
(NERVOUSLY) Tonight is the night
and we are living it.
83
00:04:17,966 --> 00:04:20,134
INNER VOICE: Wow!
You should be a speechwriter
84
00:04:20,134 --> 00:04:22,595
for the President of Numbskull Island.
85
00:04:22,595 --> 00:04:24,222
Yeah, we're excited.
86
00:04:24,222 --> 00:04:26,182
Been looking forward to this all day.
87
00:04:26,182 --> 00:04:27,767
Excited, too, I am.
88
00:04:27,767 --> 00:04:29,310
Now you're talking like Yoda.
89
00:04:29,310 --> 00:04:31,062
Say something cool.
90
00:04:31,062 --> 00:04:34,190
Doesn't Nancy Kerrigan
make you guys want to puke?
91
00:04:34,315 --> 00:04:35,692
Uh...
92
00:04:35,692 --> 00:04:37,235
I thought we could watch this.
93
00:04:37,235 --> 00:04:38,695
Big City Honeys.
94
00:04:38,695 --> 00:04:40,738
It was my favorite show
when I was a kid.
95
00:04:40,738 --> 00:04:41,823
Huh, never heard of it.
96
00:04:41,823 --> 00:04:43,074
Me neither, but growing up,
97
00:04:43,074 --> 00:04:46,202
my parents only let me watch
Christian shows and pro wrestling.
98
00:04:48,204 --> 00:04:49,747
(HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
99
00:04:58,673 --> 00:05:02,802
So Kendra is uptight,
Lexi is a total party girl,
100
00:05:02,802 --> 00:05:05,138
and Max is just,
like, you know, out there.
101
00:05:05,138 --> 00:05:07,265
INNER VOICE: (WHISPERS)
You're over-explaining.
102
00:05:07,265 --> 00:05:10,143
Their landlord, Mr. Orlando,
is always in their business,
103
00:05:10,143 --> 00:05:12,770
along with their goofball neighbor,
Edgar Queefinski,
104
00:05:12,770 --> 00:05:14,772
or Queef, for short.
105
00:05:14,772 --> 00:05:15,982
Oh, there's Queef.
106
00:05:15,982 --> 00:05:17,608
INNER VOICE: Stop saying "Queef".
107
00:05:17,608 --> 00:05:20,069
I can't have my head stuck
in a pickle jar.
108
00:05:20,069 --> 00:05:22,071
I have a date tonight.
109
00:05:22,238 --> 00:05:24,240
(LAUGH TRACK PLAYING)
110
00:05:24,240 --> 00:05:25,450
It gets funnier.
111
00:05:25,450 --> 00:05:29,120
Liar! You know it doesn't get
any funnier than the pickle jar.
112
00:05:29,120 --> 00:05:30,538
They think you're a bozo.
113
00:05:31,039 --> 00:05:32,582
Guys, I'm not a bozo.
114
00:05:35,126 --> 00:05:38,087
I am in a desperate situation.
I need to talk to Dr. Penguin.
115
00:05:38,087 --> 00:05:40,423
Don't you want to talk
to your mother and father?
116
00:05:40,423 --> 00:05:41,591
Definitely not.
117
00:05:41,591 --> 00:05:44,385
Phew! 'Cause I got
my own shit going on.
118
00:05:44,385 --> 00:05:46,387
You know I haven't peed in a week?
119
00:05:46,387 --> 00:05:48,056
I'm in the middle of a massage here
120
00:05:48,056 --> 00:05:50,933
and Dr. Penguin, I think,
is possibly still dead.
121
00:05:50,933 --> 00:05:53,519
Oh, yeah? Well, I have a Groupon.
122
00:05:54,937 --> 00:05:56,189
Tell me what's on your mind.
123
00:05:56,689 --> 00:06:00,735
I've had this judgmental voice
of self-doubt in my head my whole life.
124
00:06:01,235 --> 00:06:04,280
But now, it's gotten so constant,
I'm doubting everything.
125
00:06:04,280 --> 00:06:06,366
- INNER VOICE: No, you're not.
- (GROWLS)
126
00:06:06,366 --> 00:06:07,909
I see.
127
00:06:07,909 --> 00:06:09,410
I do, of course,
128
00:06:09,410 --> 00:06:11,829
have a tried and true therapy
for this situation
129
00:06:11,829 --> 00:06:13,039
that's never been tested.
130
00:06:13,039 --> 00:06:15,958
I will try anything
to get this voice out of my head.
131
00:06:15,958 --> 00:06:19,337
Fantastic. Get ready for a little HIV.
132
00:06:19,337 --> 00:06:21,547
High-intensity visualization.
133
00:06:21,547 --> 00:06:24,467
Wow. I guess I'm just terrible
at naming everything now.
134
00:06:24,467 --> 00:06:27,762
Okay. This should only be done
by a trained therapist.
135
00:06:27,762 --> 00:06:29,430
Otherwise, you'll get AIDS.
136
00:06:29,430 --> 00:06:32,225
Automatic, intense
de-visualization syndrome.
137
00:06:36,229 --> 00:06:40,566
Let's get this critical voice
out of your head and into that painting.
138
00:06:40,566 --> 00:06:42,443
INNER VOICE: This is never gonna work.
139
00:06:42,443 --> 00:06:44,278
Start taking deep breaths.
140
00:06:44,278 --> 00:06:45,613
In and out.
141
00:06:45,780 --> 00:06:48,324
- (BREATHS DEEPLY)
- Take in the painting in front of you
142
00:06:48,324 --> 00:06:50,868
and rid yourself of your critical voice.
143
00:06:50,868 --> 00:06:51,953
Send it away.
144
00:06:51,953 --> 00:06:54,122
I send it away.
145
00:06:55,164 --> 00:06:58,418
Away into the painting,
that horrible critic.
146
00:06:58,418 --> 00:07:00,878
It's made every day of my life worse.
147
00:07:00,878 --> 00:07:03,423
INNER VOICE: I did teach you
how to masturbate correctly.
148
00:07:03,423 --> 00:07:05,049
Shut up. I was doing fine.
149
00:07:05,049 --> 00:07:06,759
You were rubbing your belly button.
150
00:07:06,759 --> 00:07:07,969
It felt good.
151
00:07:07,969 --> 00:07:09,887
Guys, can we focus here?
152
00:07:09,887 --> 00:07:11,973
Never to be heard from again!
153
00:07:11,973 --> 00:07:15,226
I send you into the painting.
154
00:07:15,226 --> 00:07:18,980
- This will never wor...
- (WIND BLOWING)
155
00:07:22,066 --> 00:07:23,901
I... I don't hear it.
156
00:07:23,901 --> 00:07:25,903
Wait. I should get bangs.
157
00:07:27,196 --> 00:07:29,031
Nothing. It's gone!
158
00:07:29,031 --> 00:07:30,616
Thank you, Dr. Penguin.
159
00:07:32,118 --> 00:07:33,911
Dr. Penguin, a great name.
160
00:07:33,911 --> 00:07:36,622
Well, back to being Rub Rub.
161
00:07:37,331 --> 00:07:39,292
(GROANS)
162
00:07:40,334 --> 00:07:43,045
- Sorry I had to run off like that.
- No problem.
163
00:07:43,045 --> 00:07:44,213
We have our phones.
164
00:07:44,213 --> 00:07:46,966
It's nice to have some time
to just enjoy our phones.
165
00:07:47,133 --> 00:07:49,218
(COW MOOING)
166
00:07:49,218 --> 00:07:50,386
What was that?
167
00:07:52,638 --> 00:07:53,764
Hey, girl.
168
00:07:54,390 --> 00:07:56,642
I sent you into the painting.
Why are you a cow?
169
00:07:56,642 --> 00:07:58,144
There was a cow in the painting.
170
00:07:58,144 --> 00:08:01,063
Oh, by the way, I heard
you were thinking of getting bangs.
171
00:08:01,063 --> 00:08:03,191
You're gonna look so stupid.
172
00:08:06,569 --> 00:08:07,987
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
173
00:08:08,779 --> 00:08:10,907
So nice to be out of your dumb head.
174
00:08:10,907 --> 00:08:15,286
I'm a cow.
Check out my sweet little boobies.
175
00:08:15,286 --> 00:08:16,412
What?
176
00:08:16,412 --> 00:08:19,707
Your visualization therapy gave me
a cow that only I can see.
177
00:08:19,707 --> 00:08:20,833
Ha. Weird.
178
00:08:21,375 --> 00:08:24,504
If only you can see the cow,
just ignore it.
179
00:08:24,504 --> 00:08:26,005
- Tickle. Door.
- (GIGGLES)
180
00:08:26,005 --> 00:08:29,091
You know what?
He's right. I'll just ignore you.
181
00:08:29,592 --> 00:08:30,927
You can't ignore me.
182
00:08:30,927 --> 00:08:33,221
I'm not a diarrhea sign
at a public pool.
183
00:08:33,721 --> 00:08:36,766
- Who wants to play Frontiers of Finkel?
- What?
184
00:08:36,766 --> 00:08:38,392
(READS BOX)
185
00:08:38,392 --> 00:08:41,646
{\an8}It's a board game
where you colonize an alien planet.
186
00:08:41,646 --> 00:08:43,814
Hayley, why have you been
acting so strange?
187
00:08:43,814 --> 00:08:45,733
Why do you keep running out of the room?
188
00:08:45,733 --> 00:08:48,110
These are solid questions, Hayley.
189
00:08:48,736 --> 00:08:50,988
Is this a girls' night
or an interrogation?
190
00:08:50,988 --> 00:08:52,823
The only question
you guys should be asking
191
00:08:52,823 --> 00:08:54,784
is what space guild you wanna join.
192
00:08:54,784 --> 00:08:55,868
Look at their faces.
193
00:08:55,868 --> 00:08:58,829
Clearly wondering
why they ever became friends with you.
194
00:08:59,330 --> 00:09:01,165
Everybody grab five resource tokens.
195
00:09:01,165 --> 00:09:04,293
No, Danuta, those are energy coins.
Nerfer, those are moon doubloons.
196
00:09:04,293 --> 00:09:06,837
You wish you could use those this round.
197
00:09:06,837 --> 00:09:10,341
- What's this?
- Uh, a half-eaten weed gummy.
198
00:09:11,342 --> 00:09:12,885
"After a thousand-year journey,
199
00:09:12,885 --> 00:09:15,388
"welcome to Planet Finkel,
space colonists."
200
00:09:15,388 --> 00:09:17,723
Okay, first step is an audit of assets.
201
00:09:17,723 --> 00:09:20,059
- Ooh!
- Shut up!
202
00:09:20,059 --> 00:09:22,812
- Is everything okay?
- I have to go to the bathroom.
203
00:09:22,812 --> 00:09:24,897
They think you're taking a huge dump.
204
00:09:24,897 --> 00:09:26,399
I have to take a tiny dump.
205
00:09:26,399 --> 00:09:27,900
That sounds way worse.
206
00:09:29,402 --> 00:09:31,529
(SHED PRISONERS LAUGHING)
207
00:09:34,282 --> 00:09:37,118
Guys, I think we might be
feeling the effects
208
00:09:37,118 --> 00:09:39,412
- of that open can of Goop Off!
- I'll close it up.
209
00:09:39,412 --> 00:09:41,831
But before I do, I just want to say
210
00:09:41,831 --> 00:09:46,252
that you guys are the best friends
I've ever had in my life.
211
00:09:47,253 --> 00:09:50,840
Can anyone else
hear their brain cells dying?
212
00:09:50,965 --> 00:09:52,592
(ALL LAUGHING)
213
00:09:55,219 --> 00:09:57,847
{\an8}I can't remember why I'm up here.
214
00:09:58,389 --> 00:10:01,350
(ALL LAUGHING)
215
00:10:02,143 --> 00:10:04,895
Baby blue VW Beetle?
216
00:10:04,895 --> 00:10:06,314
(SNIFFS)
217
00:10:06,314 --> 00:10:09,775
Empress by Sean John perfume?
218
00:10:10,318 --> 00:10:12,028
Danuta walking around?
219
00:10:12,028 --> 00:10:15,615
That can only be Danuta. Danuta!
220
00:10:15,615 --> 00:10:18,659
Yeah, she and that hottie, Nerfer,
are here tonight.
221
00:10:18,659 --> 00:10:21,120
I have to get out of here.
I need to tell her something.
222
00:10:21,120 --> 00:10:23,664
Then, damn it,
we'll get you out of here.
223
00:10:23,664 --> 00:10:25,291
We're the Shed Boys.
224
00:10:25,291 --> 00:10:27,126
We'll do anything for each other.
225
00:10:27,126 --> 00:10:29,503
Can we tell each other anything?
226
00:10:29,503 --> 00:10:30,921
Hell yeah.
227
00:10:30,921 --> 00:10:34,216
I've been eating
the Kingsford Charcoal briquets
228
00:10:34,216 --> 00:10:36,010
and I like them.
229
00:10:37,595 --> 00:10:40,181
Shed Boys!
230
00:10:40,181 --> 00:10:42,350
(COUGHING)
231
00:10:42,892 --> 00:10:44,852
You know, despite you being here,
232
00:10:44,852 --> 00:10:46,937
I think the night is going pretty well.
233
00:10:46,937 --> 00:10:49,940
Hayley, I have four stomachs
and even I can't swallow that.
234
00:10:49,940 --> 00:10:51,901
Who cares if your friendship is over?
235
00:10:51,901 --> 00:10:53,027
You got me!
236
00:10:53,027 --> 00:10:54,904
But I'd like to blow you up
with dynamite.
237
00:10:54,904 --> 00:10:56,906
Oh, wait. I know how to save the night!
238
00:10:56,906 --> 00:10:58,407
I've got three M-80s.
239
00:10:58,407 --> 00:11:02,119
Let's throw one in the block of cheese
and class this bish up with some fondue.
240
00:11:03,287 --> 00:11:04,622
They're gone.
241
00:11:04,622 --> 00:11:08,417
Screw them, Hayley. Let's go outside
and swat flies from our asses.
242
00:11:08,417 --> 00:11:09,794
(CELL PHONE CHIMES)
243
00:11:09,794 --> 00:11:10,961
Danuta texted.
244
00:11:10,961 --> 00:11:12,505
"Sorry, Hayley, we took off.
245
00:11:12,505 --> 00:11:15,424
"It seems like you're going
through something. Peace out."
246
00:11:15,424 --> 00:11:18,469
And then Nerfer sent a GIF
of Deadpool waving goodbye.
247
00:11:19,929 --> 00:11:23,516
Okay, eating all those cheeseburgers
did nothing for my carpal tunnel.
248
00:11:23,516 --> 00:11:24,892
Should we maybe just go?
249
00:11:24,892 --> 00:11:27,895
No! I promised you a massage,
and you're getting one.
250
00:11:27,895 --> 00:11:31,816
Stan, you will massage Francine
while I expertly coach.
251
00:11:31,816 --> 00:11:33,484
The most important thing
252
00:11:33,484 --> 00:11:36,195
is that the massage
cannot get sexual in any way.
253
00:11:36,195 --> 00:11:39,031
Now let me put on
some relaxing spa music.
254
00:11:41,826 --> 00:11:44,161
(MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING)
255
00:11:47,873 --> 00:11:51,919
Under no circumstances
should you be aroused by this.
256
00:11:51,919 --> 00:11:53,421
Almost forgot the oil.
257
00:11:54,255 --> 00:11:55,631
(GRUNTS)
258
00:11:56,424 --> 00:11:58,050
Ahhh!
259
00:12:03,597 --> 00:12:07,017
That's good, Stan, but forget
the shoulders and focus on her butt.
260
00:12:07,017 --> 00:12:10,062
Get in there, don't be shy.
Really knead that ass.
261
00:12:10,062 --> 00:12:11,230
Think pizza dough.
262
00:12:11,355 --> 00:12:13,816
(MOANING)
263
00:12:14,483 --> 00:12:16,068
(CHUCKLES)
264
00:12:17,820 --> 00:12:19,238
You can't bang her, Stan.
265
00:12:19,238 --> 00:12:21,365
That kind of thing
doesn't fly at this spa.
266
00:12:21,365 --> 00:12:24,285
All right, turn over. Let's work
the knots out of those breasts.
267
00:12:24,285 --> 00:12:25,536
What should we do now?
268
00:12:25,536 --> 00:12:27,997
Maybe see what
some of your exes are up to!
269
00:12:27,997 --> 00:12:29,749
What's the deal with Reginald?
270
00:12:29,749 --> 00:12:31,917
Are we gonna talk about
how you slept with a koala?
271
00:12:31,917 --> 00:12:35,212
I can't take this anymore!
That's it, I'm getting rid of you.
272
00:12:35,212 --> 00:12:37,631
Uh, good luck, girl. I'm your cow.
273
00:12:37,631 --> 00:12:40,676
Not for long. If I got you
through visualization therapy,
274
00:12:40,676 --> 00:12:42,428
I can use it to get rid of you.
275
00:12:44,597 --> 00:12:48,017
Didn't Dr. Penguin say not to do this
without a trained professional?
276
00:12:48,017 --> 00:12:50,102
I like that you're nervous about this.
277
00:12:52,605 --> 00:12:54,440
I send this cow...
278
00:12:54,440 --> 00:12:56,525
Danuta! Where is she?
279
00:12:56,525 --> 00:12:58,486
Klaus has something important
to tell her.
280
00:12:58,486 --> 00:13:00,154
She's gotta be in here somewhere!
281
00:13:00,654 --> 00:13:02,865
Tear this place apart!
282
00:13:04,617 --> 00:13:06,702
- (GRUNTS)
- Hi-ya!
283
00:13:12,416 --> 00:13:14,627
She's not here!
284
00:13:14,627 --> 00:13:17,087
She couldn't have gotten far.
We have to find her!
285
00:13:18,005 --> 00:13:20,007
- JEFF: I see her!
- STEVE: No, that's Greg.
286
00:13:20,007 --> 00:13:22,426
Hey, newsman, have you seen Danuta?
287
00:13:22,426 --> 00:13:25,429
- GREG: Who?
- Danuta! What, are you new here?
288
00:13:25,429 --> 00:13:26,514
JEFF: There's tracks!
289
00:13:26,514 --> 00:13:30,726
Those are Danuta's paws, for sure.
And it leads right to...
290
00:13:30,851 --> 00:13:32,937
- Ahhh! Raccoon!
- (RACCOON SNARLING)
291
00:13:32,937 --> 00:13:34,897
(JEFF SCREAMING)
292
00:13:35,147 --> 00:13:36,732
(ROGU CHUCKLES)
293
00:13:37,650 --> 00:13:41,904
I wish I could just be in the show.
That's all I ever really wanted,
294
00:13:42,029 --> 00:13:45,157
{\an8}to have best friends who love me
no matter what.
295
00:13:45,157 --> 00:13:47,493
I want to be a Big City Honey.
296
00:13:48,953 --> 00:13:51,789
(WIND WHISTLING)
297
00:13:56,961 --> 00:13:59,129
- Am I...
- Late for breakfast?
298
00:13:59,129 --> 00:14:00,506
Yeah, Hayley, you are.
299
00:14:00,506 --> 00:14:04,552
But I get it.
Max is trying to cook again.
300
00:14:04,552 --> 00:14:07,096
(LAUGH TRACK PLAYING)
301
00:14:08,222 --> 00:14:11,141
Breakfast is served.
302
00:14:11,141 --> 00:14:15,354
(LAUGH TRACK PLAYING)
303
00:14:18,524 --> 00:14:20,317
(HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
304
00:14:33,747 --> 00:14:36,333
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
305
00:14:36,333 --> 00:14:38,669
Hey, I'm not that bad of a cook.
306
00:14:38,669 --> 00:14:42,089
- Your food gives my heartburn heartburn.
- (LAUGH TRACK PLAYING)
307
00:14:42,089 --> 00:14:45,885
Hello, 911?
I'd like to report a bad frittata.
308
00:14:46,051 --> 00:14:48,220
(LAUGH TRACK PLAYING)
309
00:14:48,220 --> 00:14:49,930
Well, my life is over.
310
00:14:50,472 --> 00:14:53,851
(SIGHS) I just ran into my boss
while I was doing the walk of shame.
311
00:14:53,851 --> 00:14:57,396
Lexi, are you part camel?
Because you sure love to hump!
312
00:14:57,396 --> 00:14:58,731
(LAUGH TRACK PLAYING)
313
00:14:58,731 --> 00:15:02,401
Yeah, you've had more Plan Bs
than an over-prepared scout leader.
314
00:15:02,401 --> 00:15:03,944
(LAUGH TRACK PLAYING)
315
00:15:03,944 --> 00:15:06,196
All I know is, I need a daiquiri.
316
00:15:06,196 --> 00:15:07,990
QUEEF: I'll take one too!
317
00:15:08,407 --> 00:15:10,659
(AUDIENCE CHEERS)
318
00:15:10,659 --> 00:15:12,995
Queef! You know we have a door.
319
00:15:12,995 --> 00:15:16,332
- Yeah, but you lock your door.
- Exacta-mundo.
320
00:15:17,207 --> 00:15:20,669
It's almost summer.
Who wants to help me with my manscaping?
321
00:15:20,669 --> 00:15:23,464
I need to trim down the winter bush.
322
00:15:23,464 --> 00:15:24,757
(LAUGH TRACK PLAYING)
323
00:15:24,757 --> 00:15:27,301
Razor? Try a weed whacker.
324
00:15:27,301 --> 00:15:28,552
(LAUGH TRACK PLAYING)
325
00:15:28,552 --> 00:15:30,262
God, I love being here.
326
00:15:30,262 --> 00:15:32,765
I used to think
there was something wrong with me
327
00:15:32,765 --> 00:15:34,600
and I could never keep
any of my friends,
328
00:15:34,600 --> 00:15:38,187
but being here makes me see
that I was never the problem.
329
00:15:38,312 --> 00:15:40,189
Uh, overshare much?
330
00:15:40,356 --> 00:15:42,691
- (LAUGH TRACK PLAYING)
- (KNOCKING ON DOOR)
331
00:15:42,691 --> 00:15:45,319
It's probably my date.
Hayley, get the door.
332
00:15:46,028 --> 00:15:47,988
Moo.
333
00:15:47,988 --> 00:15:49,323
(LAUGH TRACK PLAYING)
334
00:15:50,532 --> 00:15:52,701
Jeez, Hayley. Rude much?
335
00:15:54,411 --> 00:15:56,413
Everyone, this is my cow.
336
00:15:57,247 --> 00:16:00,501
Holy cow! This is udder madness.
337
00:16:00,501 --> 00:16:01,752
(LAUGH TRACK PLAYING)
338
00:16:01,752 --> 00:16:05,464
Personally, I prefer Louis Vuitton
to emotional baggage.
339
00:16:05,631 --> 00:16:08,008
- (LAUGH TRACK PLAYING)
- (KNOCKING ON DOOR)
340
00:16:08,008 --> 00:16:09,969
MAN: What is going on in there?
341
00:16:09,969 --> 00:16:11,261
Mr. Orlando!
342
00:16:11,261 --> 00:16:13,138
There's no pets allowed in the building.
343
00:16:13,138 --> 00:16:15,724
If we get evicted, I'll lose you all.
344
00:16:15,724 --> 00:16:19,228
Whoa, someone forgot her chill pill
this morning.
345
00:16:19,228 --> 00:16:20,354
(LAUGH TRACK PLAYING)
346
00:16:20,354 --> 00:16:24,066
Everyone, shut up! This is serious.
I am not (BLEEP) around!
347
00:16:24,066 --> 00:16:27,653
Do I look like I'm (BLEEP) around?
Because I assure you, I am not!
348
00:16:27,653 --> 00:16:31,490
Hayley, are you part witch?
Because you love to curse.
349
00:16:31,490 --> 00:16:32,700
(LAUGH TRACK PLAYING)
350
00:16:32,700 --> 00:16:35,035
Why is everyone acting like
this is some joke?
351
00:16:36,870 --> 00:16:38,580
I told you this was a bad idea.
352
00:16:38,580 --> 00:16:41,291
I am not gonna let you
screw this up for me!
353
00:16:41,291 --> 00:16:42,918
You can't hide me forever, Hayley.
354
00:16:42,918 --> 00:16:46,005
I may sleep standing up,
but I won't stand for this!
355
00:16:46,005 --> 00:16:47,589
(LAUGH TRACK PLAYING)
356
00:16:48,382 --> 00:16:51,802
(CHUCKLES) You girls think
I'm pretty dumb.
357
00:16:51,802 --> 00:16:55,723
Now, something's going on in here,
and I know what it is.
358
00:16:55,723 --> 00:16:59,143
You girls are flushing tampons again!
359
00:16:59,143 --> 00:17:02,521
Jeez, Mr. Orlando.
What is with you and tampons?
360
00:17:02,521 --> 00:17:05,441
I've been unhappily married
for 30 years,
361
00:17:05,441 --> 00:17:08,277
so I think I know women.
362
00:17:08,277 --> 00:17:10,487
And they love flushing tampons!
363
00:17:10,612 --> 00:17:12,614
(LAUGH TRACK PLAYING)
364
00:17:12,614 --> 00:17:14,158
- (CLATTERING)
- What was that?
365
00:17:15,451 --> 00:17:18,162
Get real, buddy.
You're not getting into that bathroom.
366
00:17:18,162 --> 00:17:19,830
Not without a goddamn warrant.
367
00:17:19,830 --> 00:17:20,998
(AUDIENCE GASPS)
368
00:17:20,998 --> 00:17:23,667
I actually think I saw a tampon
in this bucket.
369
00:17:23,667 --> 00:17:25,335
You did? Let me see.
370
00:17:26,086 --> 00:17:28,422
- (GROANS)
- (LAUGH TRACK PLAYING)
371
00:17:32,593 --> 00:17:34,470
See? Nothing going on in there.
372
00:17:34,470 --> 00:17:36,013
(COW MOOING)
373
00:17:36,013 --> 00:17:37,514
What is that racket?
374
00:17:37,514 --> 00:17:40,809
Nothing! And whatever it is,
I'm trying to repress it.
375
00:17:42,770 --> 00:17:44,813
Moo!
376
00:17:45,272 --> 00:17:48,400
Damn, that cow is yoked!
377
00:17:48,567 --> 00:17:50,611
(LAUGH TRACK PLAYING)
378
00:17:50,611 --> 00:17:52,738
- Ahhh!
- (GROANS)
379
00:17:53,822 --> 00:17:57,493
I married the wrong cow.
My wife never gives me head.
380
00:17:57,493 --> 00:17:58,911
(LAUGH TRACK PLAYING)
381
00:17:58,911 --> 00:18:01,288
You can't hide me anymore!
382
00:18:01,830 --> 00:18:05,292
You're fighting a losing battle
with your cattle!
383
00:18:05,292 --> 00:18:07,503
I can't believe you ruined this.
384
00:18:07,503 --> 00:18:10,881
This was my dream. You ruin everything!
385
00:18:10,881 --> 00:18:13,342
You're the reason
I've never been able to keep friends!
386
00:18:13,342 --> 00:18:14,843
I hate you!
387
00:18:15,761 --> 00:18:18,388
(SOBBING)
388
00:18:19,723 --> 00:18:21,308
What the hell is going on here?
389
00:18:21,600 --> 00:18:24,561
Hayley, I warned you
not to do that therapy without me!
390
00:18:24,561 --> 00:18:25,979
Why is the cow crying?
391
00:18:25,979 --> 00:18:27,564
Probably a Knicks fan.
392
00:18:27,689 --> 00:18:29,066
(LAUGH TRACK PLAYING)
393
00:18:29,066 --> 00:18:32,778
Okay, that's hilarious.
And true, the Knicks are terrible.
394
00:18:32,778 --> 00:18:36,573
I think. I don't really follow
the sport, if indeed it is a sport.
395
00:18:36,573 --> 00:18:38,575
Roger, why are you here?
396
00:18:38,575 --> 00:18:41,078
I'm here to help you, Hayley.
Don't you see?
397
00:18:41,078 --> 00:18:43,580
By trying to hide
your negative thoughts,
398
00:18:43,580 --> 00:18:45,374
you only made your cow bigger.
399
00:18:45,374 --> 00:18:48,669
Why did you ever think you could
get rid of something that's part of you?
400
00:18:48,669 --> 00:18:51,588
You told me I could!
It was your therapy!
401
00:18:51,588 --> 00:18:53,257
Paid for with a Groupon.
402
00:18:53,382 --> 00:18:55,342
(SIGHS) What do I need to do
to fix this mess?
403
00:18:55,467 --> 00:18:58,512
Hayley, your cow
is only trying to protect you.
404
00:18:58,512 --> 00:19:00,848
(SOBS) It's true.
405
00:19:00,848 --> 00:19:04,184
Instead of hiding, ignoring,
or fighting with your cow,
406
00:19:04,184 --> 00:19:05,561
you need to accept it.
407
00:19:05,561 --> 00:19:07,980
You can't make
those negative thoughts go away,
408
00:19:07,980 --> 00:19:11,316
but you can learn
to acknowledge them and let them pass.
409
00:19:11,316 --> 00:19:14,236
Love your cow,
but don't let it control you.
410
00:19:14,236 --> 00:19:18,532
Being a Big City Honey means
embracing every part of yourself...
411
00:19:18,532 --> 00:19:21,702
Lady, I got this. Smooch your cow.
412
00:19:23,203 --> 00:19:25,372
Ew! Gross, I was joking!
413
00:19:25,372 --> 00:19:27,916
You didn't really need to do that,
but it was hilarious.
414
00:19:27,916 --> 00:19:29,042
Come on, time to go.
415
00:19:33,005 --> 00:19:36,300
Whoa. That was intense.
Thanks, Dr. P.
416
00:19:36,300 --> 00:19:37,676
No problemo, Hayley.
417
00:19:37,676 --> 00:19:40,762
But next time we go into a show,
can it be Silver Spoons?
418
00:19:40,762 --> 00:19:42,514
I wanna ride that little train.
419
00:19:42,723 --> 00:19:46,727
Ooh! Cheese and Brita water.
Were you having the queen over?
420
00:19:46,727 --> 00:19:48,228
That reminds me, I should go.
421
00:19:48,228 --> 00:19:50,314
I need to make things right
with my friends.
422
00:19:50,314 --> 00:19:51,398
Cool.
423
00:19:54,484 --> 00:19:55,652
Back to work.
424
00:19:55,777 --> 00:19:58,030
FRANCINE: (MOANING) Oh, yeah.
425
00:19:59,156 --> 00:20:03,952
Well, Rub Rub Tuggington's business
is ruined. I might as well watch.
426
00:20:03,952 --> 00:20:06,246
You know what?
The name's kind of growing on me.
427
00:20:06,246 --> 00:20:07,539
Can you leave, Roger?
428
00:20:07,539 --> 00:20:09,124
How about instead of leaving,
429
00:20:09,124 --> 00:20:11,835
we have a race
to see who can finish first?
430
00:20:11,835 --> 00:20:13,128
You're on!
431
00:20:14,463 --> 00:20:16,256
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
432
00:20:17,633 --> 00:20:20,594
Hey, I'm so sorry
that I ruined our night.
433
00:20:20,594 --> 00:20:23,555
I was just so nervous
because I like you guys so much,
434
00:20:23,555 --> 00:20:25,098
and I think you're so cool...
435
00:20:25,098 --> 00:20:27,309
INNER VOICE: Whoa!
Slow down there, girl.
436
00:20:27,476 --> 00:20:29,603
(CHUCKLES) Let me slow down.
437
00:20:29,603 --> 00:20:32,564
I guess you could say
I got a little too in my own head.
438
00:20:32,564 --> 00:20:36,026
Hayley, you don't have to be nervous
or apologize for being weird.
439
00:20:36,026 --> 00:20:38,904
{\an8}Yeah, you have a husband and a job.
440
00:20:38,904 --> 00:20:41,698
{\an8}We think you're the one
who's got it all figured out.
441
00:20:41,698 --> 00:20:43,909
{\an8}Really? Wow! I had no idea.
442
00:20:46,495 --> 00:20:49,122
{\an8}- Danuta! Danuta!
- (GROANS)
443
00:20:49,122 --> 00:20:52,459
{\an8}I have to tell you something, Danuta!
444
00:20:53,210 --> 00:20:55,254
{\an8}What? What is it, Klaus?
445
00:20:55,754 --> 00:20:57,673
{\an8}Uh...
446
00:20:59,633 --> 00:21:00,926
{\an8}Hey.