Now we're going to throw it to our local theater critic,
Tony Tonington. Tony?
Mrs. Tyler's second-grade play,
"H Is For Horses,"
is the kind of dinner theater dreck
you might expect from some flyover town,
not Langley Falls.
I'd rather have ass-tearing diarrhea than...
Damn it, Tony, shut the hell up!
I have just learned the "Dinner Party Killer,"
the mysterious man who shows up at dinner parties
and systematically kills everyone in attendance,
has struck again.
When Shelly Jenkins invited friends over for dinner,
she had no idea her fondue party
would soon become a "fon-death" party.
[Chuckles] "Fon-death."
Stupid.
Ah, maybe you should cancel your dinner party, Franny?
Absolutely not!
I've been looking forward to this for months.
I'm not about to let it get ruined by some dumb-ass mass murderer.
What's the likelihood he even knows we're having a party?
And, speaking of dinner parties, Francine,
I'll see you tonight at yours.
416 Cherry Street, Langley Falls, 23655.
Please take all your tampons out of the downstairs guest bathroom.
I don't like finding them when I'm snooping around.
♪♪
Guests should be arriving any minute, Klaus.
How we looking?
Chef Klaus got your back, girl!
I don't want to brag, but the last place I worked had three Michelin tires.
I knew I didn't need to hire a fancy catering company.
All right, Klaus. You've got this.
Everything timed out to the second.
No margin for error.
Preheat oven? How the [bleep] do I do that?
Francine, I'm going to have to decline your invitation to the party.
I just found out Hayley and Steve are going
and I hate talking to them.
Don't worry, I made a seating chart.
You're next to Lewis.
Lewis, huh? Fine, I'll go.
But if Hayley or Steve try to talk to me,
I'm going to give you a very subtle signal to bail me out.
Like this... Aaaaaaah!
So stay alert.
Damn, Fran.
You've got this dinner party on lock.
Seating chart, nice china and... [sniffs]
Is that an aged Caciocavallo podolico cheese?
What did you do with the cheese, Roger?
Ha-ha, I switched it out
with a cave aged bleu from the Pyrenees.
Can you imagine if you were telling everyone it was.
Caciocavallo? You would have looked so stupid!
Roger, can we take one night off
from the pranks and the meddling?
I want my party to be perfect.
Fine, I'll behave.
I swear on the Good Book.
That's "The Pelican Brief."
- I'm sorry,great book. - [Doorbell chimes]
The guests are arriving. Just one final touch.
Every dinner party should have at least one conversation piece.
Who's going to talk about a chandelier?
You. Right now.
Pew!
Would anyone like to try my signature cocktail?
It'll knock your ass out.
[Lewis laughing]
Hi! My wife gave me a list of things
I'm not supposed to talk about at the party.
Oh, no! The list is on the list.
Klaus, we're about ready for those appetizers.
Coming right up.
[Bleep, bleep, bleep], I am so in the weeds.
You cheat your way through one season of "Master Chef, Jr."
and you think you can cook anything.
Got to admit, all this talk of a dinner party killer
made me nervous about a dinner party killer.
Oh, yeah, I think I read something about that on the news.
We don't have to worry about that
because I only invited our oldest and dearest friends.
- [Doorbell chimes] - Speaking of.
- Colonel Withersby! - [Thunder crashing]
Good evening.
Sorry I'm late.
There's a dark storm closing in,
so I brought all the fixings for Dark & Stormys.
Uncle Colonel, you're here!
It's not a Smith family function until the Colonel shows up.
I can't remember the last time I came over to the Smiths'
and the Colonel wasn't in attendance.
He's been to every Smith Fourth of July bash I've been to.
Not just the Fourth, there's been nary an Easter
or Passover at the Smith house
without the good Colonel showing up.
Three cheers for the Colonel.
All: Hip, hip, hooray!
Colonel, good to see you.
I hope your investments in the Sahara are holding up.
Tuttle.
You people still hang out with Tuttle?
[All laughing]
He's on fire.
It's early and the Colonel is already on fire.
Okay, Colonel, phone in the bag.
Rachael Ray says cell phones will kill your dinner party.
I don't carry a cell phone,
but I will give you my cigar cutter and my iPod Touch.
Now, why don't we head to the dining room for the first...
Roger: Uh-oh, what's happening?
Oh, no! Where'd he go?
Where'd who go?
Really? None of you see it?
- See what? - [Sighs]
Okay, everyone look around, get a good feel for the room,
maybe take an extra look at where Jeff is.
Everyone see it? Right here, Jeff? Good.
Uh-oh! What's happening?
- Hey, Jeff's gone. - Yes, thank you.
Oh, my God! It's the dinner party killer.
Damn it, Roger! You promised.
[Theremin playing]
First, Jeff disappears, and now a theremin
shows up out of nowhere?
The plot thickens. [Playing]
Isn't this fun?
Jeff's gone and we have to figure out who did it?
Roger, no one wants to play your stupid game.
I didn't take Jeff.
It could have been any one of you.
- Hayley: Roger! - That's not supposed to happen.
Tuttle is missing.
Roger, enough!
I - I didn't do this!
I didn't take Tuttle.
I took Jeff, but not Tuttle.
I'll prove it.
Look, he's fine.
Hey, guys, Roger said I have to stay in the closet
because I'm dead. Do I get to be alive, now?
- Sorry, babe. - It's okay.
I've got my animal crackers and my bathroom bucket.
Now do you believe me?
No, all you've proven is that you definitely did take Jeff.
I think our boy has got the Mumbai madness.
We have two options: Throw him in the galleys
or bleed it out of him.
Great idea, Colonel.
Let's lock him in the basement.
[Thunderclap]
You've got to believe me, I didn't do this.
None of us are safe.
Roger, I'm done letting you meddle with my dinner party.
Okay, I admit, I was meddling.
I'm a hardcore meddle-head.
[Imitates guitar riff]
But I didn't take Tuttle.
Please don't put me in the basement,
that's where the scary furnace is.
Colonel.
Aah!
Oh, hello, furnace.
I see your grille still looks like a super scary, evil face.
Okay! Let's get this DP... Dinner Party... back on track.
- Who wants mini quiches? - Mini quiches?
The sun has gone down, Mother.
I've got to find something to defend myself with.
Lead pipe, wrench, candlestick, Steve's diary?
That should be juicy.
"I have evidence that Toshi is posing as a doctor
and groping his patients."
Note to self: Make an appointment with Dr. Toshi.
[Door creaks open]
[Heavy footsteps]
Oh, hey, you guys finally come to your senses
and decide to let me out?
Who are you, by the way? I can't tell with that ski mask.
Hey, you've got that lead pipe. Ow!
What was that for? Ow! Why are you doing this?
We have a killer to catch. Ow!
Okay, okay, this is starting to not be funny.
Ow, ow, ow!
Damn it, it's funny again. You got me.
[Thunderclap]
Fran [echoing]: Roger. Roger.
Roger, are you okay?
Roger: Uh, what... what happened?
Did we all sleep together?
No! The lights went out again and now Greg is missing.
Told you it wasn't me. There's a maniac on the loose.
We have to work together to get out of this alive.
Leave Steve behind, there's no time.
I'm already back on my feet.
Push him back down. We've got to work together.
♪♪
To the car! [Gasps]
Stay inside! Leave this to the professionals.
[Wind howling]
Looks like we're stuck here.
[Gasps] The cell phones are gone.
We can't leave. We can't call for help.
If we hear a cool song, we can't Shazam it.
We're trapped. We're all at the mercy of the "Dinner Party Killer."
Unless one of us is the "Dinner Party Killer."
♪♪
Oh, God, it could be any of us.
How well does anyone know anyone?
Well, it's not me. I'm a nice boy.
It's not me. I'm a pacifist.
- What? - And it's not me,
I'm the Colonel.
- Of course. - For sure, you're the Colonel.
Perhaps we should split into pairs and search the house.
That way, if someone comes back alone, jackpot.
We'll know who the killer is.
A perfect plan.
We'll use my seating chart.
That way, everybody gets to search the house with,
or get murdered by, their perfect conversation partner.
I love it.
Roger's with Avery.
Stan, you're with Lewis.
Hayley's with me.
That leaves Steve with the Colonel.
Oh, yeah!
Steve is going to live.
♪ I'm going with the Colonel ♪
♪ Going to be safe with the Colonel ♪
Going to be alone with the Colonel...
♪ Did you say something, Colonel? ♪
♪ I didn't quite catch that, Colonel ♪
The killer has got us running around in circles.
We need to stop and think.
You know what helps me think?
Drugs.
Eight suspects.
Well, I know it's not me.
Seven suspects.
I want a bunny.
Six suspects.
♪♪
[Thud, Stan screams]
Stan! Your beloved Kevin James head shot.
This whole "murderer loose in my house" thing
has got me pretty stressed out.
You know what the number one killer is?
Stress.
The killer could be anywhere.
We've got to stick together.
[Gasps] Stan, look out!
Lewis is the killer.
He's just giving me a shave, buddy.
What's got you so worked up?
- Uh, the killer? - Oh, right.
I was pretty worked up about that, too.
Then my boy, Lewis, here, offered to shave my worries away.
Barber, do you offer man-scaping?
You guys are useless.
Do everything but the taint.
I'm growing that out.
What the hell is going on in here?
Oh, hey, guys.
I ran into a little snag, but I called my boy Vikram.
He is the highest rated Postmates driver in Virginia
and he's on his way with some gyros.
Klaus, Tuttle is missing, probably dead,
and now you expect me to tell my guests
that dinner is going to be 10 minutes late?
If this party is a failure, it's on you.
Did you find anything?
Yeah, I found something.
Klaus is trying to ruin my dinner party.
Come on, we should check the basement.
Good idea and, while we're down there, we can grab the good dessert plates.
Dessert? We're not even going to survive the pasta course.
Tuttle's dead?
Does that mean I'm only feeding seven?
You guys would tell me if this party wasn't going well, right?
Oh, Roger, while you're in there, grab the plates.
Plates, plates, plates, plates, I hate your stupid, ugly plates.
[Both gasp]
The plates are right behind me, aren't they?
[Screams] Dead Tuttle!
What's this?
The killer must have dropped it.
It's a lens from a monocle.
But the only person I know who wears a monocle is...
[Thunder crashes]
♪ Feeling safe with the Colonel ♪
♪ Implicitly trust the Colonel ♪
Only place left to look is that dark old shed, Steve.
[Thunder crashes]
- Aah! - What's wrong, boy?
Are you nervous that I don't have enough knives?
Don't worry, I've got extra.
♪ Going to the shed with the Colonel ♪
♪ Never seen that look from the Colonel ♪
Oh, my God! Bullock is dead!
I am? What a huge blow to the Civil Rights Movement.
Stan, we found this monocle next to Tuttle's dead body.
Colonel Withersby is the killer, and he's with Steve.
- [Steve screaming] - We're too late.
Get away from Steve, you monster.
But he's still hugging my scaries away.
We were coming back from the shed and we found this body.
With this bag of gyros next to it.
- Who the hell is it? - Let me through, let me through.
Oh, God! That's Vikram.
He was just trying to bring us gyros and someone killed him for it.
Not someone, the Colonel.
I believe your monocle is missing something.
That's a prescription lens.
Mine is clear glass.
I only wear this because without it my outfit
would look ridiculous.
Which means the killer is someone else, but who?
What's this?
The killer must have dropped it.
It's lipstick, and the only people here
who wear lipstick are Francine and Hayley.
I don't wear makeup.
You make fun of me for it all the time.
And I haven't spent a cent on lipstick
ever since I got my lips tattooed cherry red.
Although I do spend a ton on hepatitis meds now.
- Hello? - It's Greg!
The party is saved!
What happened?
Last thing I remember, I was in the bathroom
and heard the door open.
Next thing I know, I woke up in the bathtub.
Oh, you probably got lead piped. I got lead piped earlier.
So, what's been going on? Everyone looks good.
What's going on is Tuttle is dead.
And we found two clues: A monocle and some lipstick.
He's squinting.
Of course!
You see, when Greg reads the news,
he has no problem with the teleprompter,
but whenever he's handed a note on air,
he puts on the glasses he keeps in his jacket pocket.
See, missing a lens.
- [All gasp] - Well, that explains the lens,
but what about the lipstick, Roger?
Great question, Stan.
You see, every newscaster wears makeup,
but since the advent of HD, it's more important than ever.
Isn't it, Greg?
Are you accusing me of being a killer?
Why would I do something like that?
You needed a story,
and what could possibly be a better story
than a dinner party killer?
Bullock: A story about an elephant and the cheetah
- at the zoo being friends. - Shut up!
You made up the killer and had to kill to keep the story going,
and thus, you became the "Dinner Party Killer."
Now, let's lock this maniac in the basement
so we can all relax and get back to this fabulous part...
Goddamn it!
I've been stabbed and I felt the killer's face in the dark.
I know exactly who it is.
The killer...'s name will surprise you.
The killer is...
Stan, Francine, Hayley,
everyone pay attention to what I'm about to say.
This is Greg Corbin with my final report.
The killer was...
It should have been me.
I should have been the one falling from the ceiling,
killing the ladies' man.
[Thunder crashes]
Papa, I'm scared. What should we do?
- We need to stick together. - All of us in one place?
That's just what the killer would want.
He's right. We should split up.
No way, easier to pick us off.
That's just what the killer would want.
Oh, God, the killer wants so many things.
How will we ever please him?
We need to settle down and think rationally.
Klaus, we're ready for the pineapple whips.
Okay, Klaus. You produced zero food up to this point.
They need dessert and they need it now.
It's time to use your secret weapon.
- Five blenders. - [Electricity crackles]
Steve: Oh, not again!
Withersby: We must remain calm.
Bullock: I believe I'm being stabbed.
Fran: Don't worry, dessert is on the way.
- [Knife sticks] - Bullock: It is confirmed,
someone is stabbing me right now.
Stan: All right, whoever is stabbing Bullock, 'fess up.
Roger: I'm looking for a light.
Bullock: This killer is like a cat,
toying with me, keeping me barely alive...
[Knife stick, spurting]
Oh, no, that's the finishing blow.
Good night, everybody.
Roger: I got it! I got a flashlight!
Hello?
Stay calm, Roger.
[Floorboard creaks]
- [Gurgling] - Ah!
- [Floorboard creaks] - Hello? Stan?
Steve?
Thank God, Stan.
Ah! Entrails.
[Banging]
Steve? Right here?
This is crazy, there's a killer on the loose.
Ah!
Killer, show yourself.
Uh, this flashlight is so heavy.
I just need to rest my arm for one second.
Why do I even have a gym membership?
It's like I pay 24.99 to not go to the gym.
Ah, ah!
Ah!
That just leaves...
Me.
That's right, so now you know who did it.
Do you want to know why?
Ah, you bastard.
I trusted you. I loved you.
I shredded Tahoe with you.
Surprise!
What... what... what...?
It was all fake, Roger.
The deaths, the power outages,
all planned out to the last detail.
You're all alive.
Everything was fake,
even this knife I stabbed the Colonel with.
This knife is real.
That was not part of the plan, but the rest...
Oh, we got you good.
You should have seen your face.
But I saw the bodies, the blood.
Well, we knew we had to make it look real,
so we stashed bottles of ketchup around the house.
Hayley: Which we learned to find in the dark.
Stan: For my death, I hid a bunch of spaghetti in my pants.
But how did you know what I would do and say?
That's where I come in.
I wrote over 1,800 pages of dialogue to account for any possibility.
We spent months rehearsing to make sure
we got the performances just right.
Tuttle: Vikram threatened to walk out multiple times.
But Vikram killed it.
He's a shining star.
Bullock: Ahem, casting couch.
Okay. Now I perfectly understand how, but why?
Because for years you've been screwing up things
we care about with your ridiculous schemes,
so we decided to give you a taste of your own medicine.
Wow, you really taught me a lesson today.
My pranks, they're childish.
You don't deserve that.
You deserve to be terrorized,
like you just terrorized me.
- That's not... - And I vow the next time
I come at you, it'll be
a thousand times harder than you came at me
because that's how much I love you.
I told you this was pointless.
Either way, it was a hell of a party.
A party for the ages!
Absolute rager.
Oh man, we really got to get you to a hospital.
But first, how did you fake the "Dinner Party Killer"?
He's been on the news for weeks.
Oh, he's real, we just used him to sell the ruse.
Oh, smart.
416 Cherry Street.
No problem. What are you up to tonight?
Going to a dinner party, heard about it on the news.
It's supposed to be killer.
Cool. You have any music preference?
Whatever you got.
Reggae it is.
Hey, you give me five stars, I give you five stars.
Have a great night!
- synced and corrected by sot26 - www.addic7ed.com