1
00:00:02,525 --> 00:00:04,225
Come on. Come on.
2
00:00:04,260 --> 00:00:06,527
Oh, my God!
3
00:00:11,400 --> 00:00:12,967
Ugh, it's negative again.
4
00:00:13,002 --> 00:00:15,436
Where did you get a pregnancy
test with sound effects?
5
00:00:15,471 --> 00:00:18,839
At Spencer's Gifts. It's
also where I get my condoms.
6
00:00:18,874 --> 00:00:21,040
What, wait, you're...
you're wearing condoms
7
00:00:21,041 --> 00:00:22,506
while we're trying to get pregnant?
8
00:00:22,542 --> 00:00:25,443
They're joke condoms. They
have a big hole in the end.
9
00:00:25,478 --> 00:00:27,712
I just wear them for the feel...
10
00:00:27,747 --> 00:00:29,180
and the chuckles.
11
00:00:29,215 --> 00:00:32,583
You doof. I can't wait to
have your big, doofy baby.
12
00:00:32,619 --> 00:00:34,986
I wanna have a babe with you, too, babe.
13
00:00:36,389 --> 00:00:38,089
Hey! Are you done in there?
14
00:00:38,124 --> 00:00:39,557
Get out, get out, get out!
15
00:00:39,592 --> 00:00:42,427
I went to Taco King! I
can't do this in my bowl!
16
00:00:44,764 --> 00:00:47,565
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
17
00:00:47,600 --> 00:00:51,436
♪ I got a feelin' that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ♪
18
00:00:51,471 --> 00:00:54,505
♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪
19
00:00:54,541 --> 00:00:59,077
♪ And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race ♪
20
00:01:00,914 --> 00:01:03,981
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
21
00:01:04,017 --> 00:01:06,452
- ♪ Good...
- Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
22
00:01:06,519 --> 00:01:12,457
Subtitle sync and corrections by
awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.
23
00:01:14,694 --> 00:01:18,529
Oh, I'm sorry, honey. We
know how much you want this.
24
00:01:18,565 --> 00:01:20,525
I don't know what's wrong.
I've been eating right,
25
00:01:20,549 --> 00:01:22,567
exercising, taking all the vitamins.
26
00:01:22,602 --> 00:01:24,635
And I bought a butterfly
net to catch the baby
27
00:01:24,671 --> 00:01:26,237
when he comes shooting out.
28
00:01:26,272 --> 00:01:28,472
We've been trying all kinds
of different positions, too.
29
00:01:28,496 --> 00:01:30,608
The spider pretzel, the butter churner,
30
00:01:30,643 --> 00:01:31,976
the standing wheelbarrow.
31
00:01:32,011 --> 00:01:34,212
And my favorite, the
breakfast for dinner.
32
00:01:34,247 --> 00:01:35,747
That's where I fry him an egg,
33
00:01:35,782 --> 00:01:38,382
and then we do it quite
traditionally, from behind.
34
00:01:38,418 --> 00:01:40,018
Well, you must be doing something wrong.
35
00:01:40,042 --> 00:01:42,220
I got Francine pregnant
on the first try.
36
00:01:42,255 --> 00:01:43,921
Bang, bang, chicken and shrimp!
37
00:01:43,957 --> 00:01:45,423
What's going on? I'm
bored. I got nothin'.
38
00:01:45,458 --> 00:01:47,378
By the looks of your
faces, you got nothin', too.
39
00:01:47,414 --> 00:01:49,174
God, it's so boring in
this house. I'm bored.
40
00:01:49,198 --> 00:01:50,194
What's going on?
41
00:01:50,230 --> 00:01:52,830
Haley and Jeff are having
trouble getting pregnant.
42
00:01:52,866 --> 00:01:55,266
Oh, good. This isn't boring.
I could drop a bomb on this.
43
00:01:55,301 --> 00:01:57,235
See, Hayley's never
going to get pregnant
44
00:01:57,270 --> 00:01:59,637
because Jeff's an alien. Boom!
45
00:01:59,672 --> 00:02:00,938
Wait, what?!
46
00:02:00,974 --> 00:02:02,707
Ever since Jeff got back from space,
47
00:02:02,742 --> 00:02:04,108
he's had an alien body.
48
00:02:04,144 --> 00:02:06,410
Only human part left is his brain.
49
00:02:06,446 --> 00:02:10,214
Ohh, that explains why my pee
is slightly brighter than usual.
50
00:02:10,250 --> 00:02:12,216
And why I haven't slept in a year
51
00:02:12,252 --> 00:02:13,818
or even felt the need to.
52
00:02:13,853 --> 00:02:17,955
Yeah, that explains everything.
Did I leave anything out, Stan?
53
00:02:17,991 --> 00:02:19,991
- You knew?!
- Yes, but I couldn't tell anyone,
54
00:02:20,026 --> 00:02:21,793
because I'm an amazing secret keeper.
55
00:02:21,828 --> 00:02:24,295
- Well, why didn't you tell me?
- That is also a secret.
56
00:02:24,330 --> 00:02:26,464
I know we weren't gonna
say anything, Stan,
57
00:02:26,499 --> 00:02:27,532
but I got bored.
58
00:02:27,567 --> 00:02:29,433
Remember at Disney
World how I got bored,
59
00:02:29,469 --> 00:02:31,102
so I tried to drown that fat lady
60
00:02:31,137 --> 00:02:32,737
on Pirates of the Caribbean?
61
00:02:32,772 --> 00:02:35,840
You guys went to
Disney World without me?
62
00:02:35,875 --> 00:02:37,108
My boy Reggie is Pluto!
63
00:02:37,143 --> 00:02:39,243
He could've got you pineapple Dole Whips
64
00:02:39,279 --> 00:02:40,811
half-price, fool!
65
00:02:40,994 --> 00:02:44,814
My other boy Dante's got a
sick condo in Daytona Beach.
66
00:02:44,816 --> 00:02:47,016
It's only a 90-minute
drive from Disney World.
67
00:02:47,052 --> 00:02:49,755
And I got a hookup
for Lightning tickets.
68
00:02:49,756 --> 00:02:52,889
Warm weather hockey...
you don't get that up here.
69
00:02:52,925 --> 00:02:54,691
Shut up, Klaus!
70
00:02:54,726 --> 00:02:56,660
I also have a boy in Jacksonville.
71
00:02:56,695 --> 00:02:59,396
I can't believe this.
I'm married to an alien.
72
00:02:59,431 --> 00:03:01,710
I-I've been having sex with an alien.
73
00:03:01,711 --> 00:03:03,466
I don't see what the
big deal is, Hayley.
74
00:03:03,502 --> 00:03:04,935
Lots of people sleep with aliens...
75
00:03:04,970 --> 00:03:07,370
Lois Lane, Marvin the Martian's wife,
76
00:03:07,406 --> 00:03:10,273
every cable guy who's
ever come to this house.
77
00:03:10,309 --> 00:03:12,642
But I don't feel like
an alien. I feel like me.
78
00:03:12,678 --> 00:03:15,378
That's because you still
have your stupid human brain.
79
00:03:15,414 --> 00:03:17,514
Hey, I love your stupid human brain,
80
00:03:17,549 --> 00:03:20,317
and I don't even care
that you're an alien.
81
00:03:20,352 --> 00:03:21,518
Liberal.
82
00:03:21,553 --> 00:03:24,487
But... I do wish we could have a baby.
83
00:03:24,523 --> 00:03:27,223
Well, you could have a baby
if Jeff became human again,
84
00:03:27,259 --> 00:03:28,892
but that's impossible.
85
00:03:28,927 --> 00:03:30,427
Unless...
86
00:03:30,462 --> 00:03:33,396
you gave his brain to a
birthing alien on its heat cycle
87
00:03:33,432 --> 00:03:35,532
so Jeff could be reborn as a human.
88
00:03:35,567 --> 00:03:38,401
But you'd need to find a
birthing alien here on Earth
89
00:03:38,437 --> 00:03:40,503
other than me, because I'm not doing it.
90
00:03:40,539 --> 00:03:42,405
Whew! Is it hot in here? I can't tell.
91
00:03:42,441 --> 00:03:44,407
I'm on my heat cycle.
Anyway, impossible.
92
00:03:44,443 --> 00:03:46,977
Such a bummer. Gotta go. Bored again.
93
00:03:47,012 --> 00:03:49,212
My boy in Jacksonville's name is Leroy.
94
00:03:49,247 --> 00:03:51,014
He's a barback at Buffalo Wild Wings,
95
00:03:51,049 --> 00:03:52,682
and he says if we go down there,
96
00:03:52,718 --> 00:03:57,587
we might be able to
party with the waitstaff.
97
00:03:59,558 --> 00:04:03,093
And then Marybeth Stephanie
called me a "Hufflepuff"!
98
00:04:03,128 --> 00:04:04,527
Can you believe that?!
99
00:04:04,563 --> 00:04:06,630
I've been called some
terrible things before,
100
00:04:06,665 --> 00:04:08,198
but never a Hufflepuff.
101
00:04:08,233 --> 00:04:10,734
That's stupid! You're
totally a Ravenclaw.
102
00:04:10,769 --> 00:04:14,137
I know! But even though
I was real peeved,
103
00:04:14,172 --> 00:04:18,808
I just said "thank you" because
I didn't want to offend her.
104
00:04:18,844 --> 00:04:21,277
- You're a bit of a Hufflepuff.
- Yeah, I'm a Hufflepuff.
105
00:04:21,313 --> 00:04:23,046
Are you Snot? Are you poor?
106
00:04:23,081 --> 00:04:24,447
Uh... Because we're...
107
00:04:24,483 --> 00:04:26,549
Trish! And the Sizzle.
108
00:04:26,585 --> 00:04:29,386
And you're on "Morning Mimosa's"...
109
00:04:29,421 --> 00:04:31,454
"Three Happy Days"!
110
00:04:32,891 --> 00:04:34,924
Whoa, awesome!
111
00:04:34,960 --> 00:04:36,493
What? What's happening?
112
00:04:36,528 --> 00:04:39,262
What's happening is you
just hit the jackpot, buddy.
113
00:04:39,297 --> 00:04:40,764
Every year on "Morning Mimosa,"
114
00:04:40,799 --> 00:04:44,267
they surprise a poor kid
with three happy days!
115
00:04:44,302 --> 00:04:46,202
You're poor, aren't you, Snots?
116
00:04:46,238 --> 00:04:47,937
Look at you! Of course you are.
117
00:04:47,973 --> 00:04:50,907
Come with us! Your first
happy day starts now!
118
00:04:50,942 --> 00:04:52,976
Three happy days!
119
00:04:53,011 --> 00:04:54,811
Three happy days!
120
00:04:54,846 --> 00:04:57,514
Being poor is so weird.
121
00:04:57,549 --> 00:04:58,815
Like, when I think of tuna,
122
00:04:58,850 --> 00:05:00,650
I think of tuna from
a fancy sushi place,
123
00:05:00,686 --> 00:05:03,553
and you think of tuna from a shitty can,
124
00:05:03,588 --> 00:05:06,056
like a cat.
125
00:05:07,426 --> 00:05:10,260
Poor people are a lot like cats.
126
00:05:12,497 --> 00:05:15,498
Please, Roger, I really
wanna be human again.
127
00:05:15,534 --> 00:05:17,600
And if that doesn't happen,
we'll never have a baby.
128
00:05:17,636 --> 00:05:19,669
What if someone told you
that you couldn't have
129
00:05:19,705 --> 00:05:21,204
what you wanted most in life?
130
00:05:21,239 --> 00:05:22,472
Jake Gyllenhaal?
131
00:05:22,507 --> 00:05:24,974
If somebody told me I couldn't have him,
132
00:05:25,010 --> 00:05:26,976
I-I don't even know what I...
133
00:05:27,012 --> 00:05:28,511
Ah! That'd be awful!
134
00:05:28,547 --> 00:05:30,280
I'll be there for you the whole time,
135
00:05:30,315 --> 00:05:32,615
- every step of the way.
- Well, I have always wanted
136
00:05:32,651 --> 00:05:35,051
them fat swangin' pregnancy tits.
137
00:05:35,087 --> 00:05:37,454
You would look great with those!
138
00:05:37,489 --> 00:05:40,056
I'll do it. I'll carry your Jeff baby.
139
00:05:40,092 --> 00:05:42,859
- Muchas gracias!
- Oh, Thank you!
140
00:05:42,894 --> 00:05:45,829
Now how do we go about
getting Jeff's brain?
141
00:05:45,864 --> 00:05:47,397
Aah!
142
00:05:58,343 --> 00:06:01,711
And now there's a 10%
chance that I'm pregnant.
143
00:06:01,747 --> 00:06:03,546
Three happy days!
144
00:06:03,582 --> 00:06:05,548
Three happy days!
145
00:06:05,584 --> 00:06:07,450
That's right. Every
year, the Sizzle and I
146
00:06:07,486 --> 00:06:11,121
help one poor kid
with the saddest story.
147
00:06:11,156 --> 00:06:12,622
This year, we were faced
148
00:06:12,657 --> 00:06:15,492
with the biggest
challenge we've ever had.
149
00:06:15,527 --> 00:06:18,294
Meet Snot Lonstein... poor, yet Jewish.
150
00:06:18,330 --> 00:06:20,530
So for Snots' first happy day,
151
00:06:20,565 --> 00:06:23,166
we gave him a much-needed makeover.
152
00:06:23,201 --> 00:06:26,336
Meet the brand-new Snots!
153
00:06:33,345 --> 00:06:36,279
Fabulous! Now let's bring out the person
154
00:06:36,314 --> 00:06:38,748
responsible for you being here today.
155
00:06:38,784 --> 00:06:42,685
Snot, meet your knight in
shining armor, Steve Smith!
156
00:06:44,089 --> 00:06:45,622
You nominated me?
157
00:06:45,657 --> 00:06:48,158
Yeah, I did. I felt bad for you.
158
00:06:48,193 --> 00:06:50,593
You think it doesn't break my
heart when we go to the movies
159
00:06:50,629 --> 00:06:53,563
and you bring that old
jawbreaker in that sticky bag?
160
00:06:53,598 --> 00:06:57,300
Snot, don't you wanna thank
Steve for nominating you?
161
00:06:57,335 --> 00:06:58,768
Let's see you...
162
00:06:58,804 --> 00:07:03,139
Kiss his feet! Kiss his feet!
163
00:07:12,317 --> 00:07:13,850
Where'd you find this doctor, anyway?
164
00:07:13,885 --> 00:07:15,652
We can't go to a regular doctor,
165
00:07:15,687 --> 00:07:17,353
so Klaus recommended this guy.
166
00:07:17,389 --> 00:07:19,689
Hello! I'm Dr. Kalgary.
167
00:07:19,724 --> 00:07:23,193
I see you are lesbians. Congratulations.
168
00:07:23,228 --> 00:07:24,594
Yep.
169
00:07:24,629 --> 00:07:26,349
I believe you are hoping
for some good news.
170
00:07:26,373 --> 00:07:28,639
Just tell me I'm pregnant, Doc.
171
00:07:29,601 --> 00:07:31,467
Wait. I hear a heartbeat.
172
00:07:31,503 --> 00:07:33,236
That is very uncommon in my office.
173
00:07:33,271 --> 00:07:35,205
- I'm pregnant?
- Oh, thank God!
174
00:07:35,240 --> 00:07:37,006
Let's take a closer look.
175
00:07:38,476 --> 00:07:40,476
Thank you, Billy.
176
00:07:42,380 --> 00:07:45,181
And you are having...
177
00:07:45,217 --> 00:07:48,885
an adult man.
178
00:07:48,920 --> 00:07:50,587
Oh, my God! It's Jeff!
179
00:07:50,622 --> 00:07:52,956
I'm printing you a copy.
180
00:07:52,991 --> 00:07:54,757
Billy!
181
00:08:01,900 --> 00:08:03,833
Aah!
182
00:08:03,869 --> 00:08:04,901
It's okay. I got it.
183
00:08:04,936 --> 00:08:08,004
No, no. Let him get it himself.
184
00:08:12,644 --> 00:08:16,012
I'm getting stronger.
185
00:08:18,293 --> 00:08:21,094
Everything hurts.
186
00:08:21,129 --> 00:08:22,695
And the cravings...
187
00:08:22,731 --> 00:08:25,098
I want a cigarette and
five shots of Patrón.
188
00:08:25,133 --> 00:08:27,600
Roger, you can't smoke or
drink during your pregnancy.
189
00:08:27,636 --> 00:08:30,437
Okay, but can't I just cook
190
00:08:30,472 --> 00:08:31,971
the tiniest bit of meth?
191
00:08:32,007 --> 00:08:33,306
It won't hurt nobody.
192
00:08:33,341 --> 00:08:34,741
Here, have some pickles instead.
193
00:08:34,776 --> 00:08:38,178
Oh, God, the smell!
Get that away from me!
194
00:08:38,213 --> 00:08:40,914
But these are your favorite.
195
00:08:43,452 --> 00:08:44,951
I think I missed a spot.
196
00:08:47,355 --> 00:08:48,688
Ugh. This is disgusting.
197
00:08:48,723 --> 00:08:51,224
I'm disgusting, and I hate this thing!
198
00:08:51,259 --> 00:08:53,793
You! You did this to me!
199
00:08:56,865 --> 00:08:58,798
I think if I had just
a tiny bit of meth,
200
00:08:58,834 --> 00:09:01,334
- it'd settle my stomach.
- No, Roger.
201
00:09:01,369 --> 00:09:04,170
Just a widdle cwystal?
202
00:09:04,206 --> 00:09:06,439
With the help of his best friend, Steve,
203
00:09:06,475 --> 00:09:11,244
we're about to surprise Snots
with his second happy day.
204
00:09:11,279 --> 00:09:12,812
Let's go!
205
00:09:12,848 --> 00:09:15,248
Oh, my! Sizzle? Trish?! Am I on...
206
00:09:15,283 --> 00:09:17,350
Shut up! You're not part of this!
207
00:09:17,385 --> 00:09:19,619
- Wake up, wake up, wake up!
- Huh?
208
00:09:19,654 --> 00:09:22,088
We're sending you and
your best friend Steve
209
00:09:22,124 --> 00:09:23,389
to the water park!
210
00:09:23,425 --> 00:09:24,891
What do ya say, Snots?!
211
00:09:24,926 --> 00:09:28,928
I'll go, but not with
Steve. I'll just take my mom.
212
00:09:28,964 --> 00:09:33,500
Oh, my God! Snots is so
poor, he has to date his mom!
213
00:09:33,535 --> 00:09:34,868
Why aren't you taking me?
214
00:09:34,903 --> 00:09:36,703
I'm the reason you get
to go to the water park
215
00:09:36,727 --> 00:09:39,139
- in the first place.
- I don't wanna be pitied.
216
00:09:39,174 --> 00:09:42,442
I thought you would know
that. It's so humiliating.
217
00:09:42,477 --> 00:09:43,977
How is this humiliating?
218
00:09:44,012 --> 00:09:45,912
Oh, my God!
219
00:09:45,947 --> 00:09:50,483
Is his pillow just a t-shirt
stuffed with newspapers?
220
00:09:50,519 --> 00:09:52,785
Dennis, get a shot of that.
221
00:09:57,425 --> 00:09:59,459
Roger, I got everything you asked for...
222
00:09:59,494 --> 00:10:01,694
a turkey sandwich, that pillow you like,
223
00:10:01,730 --> 00:10:03,530
and binoculars so you
can watch the gardener
224
00:10:03,565 --> 00:10:05,031
work across the street.
225
00:10:05,066 --> 00:10:07,300
Hmm. Ahh. Ahh.
226
00:10:07,335 --> 00:10:08,968
That feels nice.
227
00:10:09,004 --> 00:10:12,438
And this here tastes amaze.
228
00:10:12,474 --> 00:10:15,074
Ooh, I'd let that guy
spread his seed on me.
229
00:10:15,110 --> 00:10:18,545
If he pulled my weed, I'd
show him some "miracle grow."
230
00:10:18,580 --> 00:10:22,182
Is that a Venus flytrap? Because
my next pun depends on it.
231
00:10:22,217 --> 00:10:25,251
It's anus guy flap.
232
00:10:25,287 --> 00:10:29,389
So if you're good, I'm gonna
go see a movie with Klaus.
233
00:10:29,424 --> 00:10:31,891
Oh. Is Klaus carrying your baby?
234
00:10:31,927 --> 00:10:33,159
Well, no.
235
00:10:33,195 --> 00:10:35,195
Oh, so the movie's carrying your baby.
236
00:10:35,230 --> 00:10:36,629
You're welcome to come with us.
237
00:10:36,665 --> 00:10:39,299
Klaus didn't invite me.
Klaus thinks you hate him.
238
00:10:39,334 --> 00:10:41,301
I do hate him. I'd kill him if I could!
239
00:10:41,336 --> 00:10:43,236
Roger, you're... you're very emotional
240
00:10:43,271 --> 00:10:44,537
because you're pregnant.
241
00:10:44,573 --> 00:10:46,739
You said you'd be there
every step of the way!
242
00:10:46,775 --> 00:10:49,976
God, I'm so upset, I can't
even finish this sandwich!
243
00:10:52,314 --> 00:10:54,347
You're starving me and the baby!
244
00:10:54,382 --> 00:10:56,683
I'm sorry! I'll do whatever you want!
245
00:10:56,718 --> 00:10:59,686
I want you to want to be here,
246
00:10:59,721 --> 00:11:01,955
and I want you to make me
exactly the same sandwich
247
00:11:01,990 --> 00:11:05,525
you did before because
you straight up killed it.
248
00:11:05,560 --> 00:11:08,628
Is it just me, or has Roger gone crazy?
249
00:11:08,663 --> 00:11:11,698
Hayley, how how many times
have you been pregnant? None.
250
00:11:11,733 --> 00:11:15,001
How many times have
I been pregnant? Four.
251
00:11:17,172 --> 00:11:20,373
Point is, I know what
Roger's going through.
252
00:11:20,408 --> 00:11:22,976
All he wants is to feel appreciated.
253
00:11:23,011 --> 00:11:24,510
I'm trying the best I can.
254
00:11:24,546 --> 00:11:28,781
Try harder. He's carrying
your husband, after all.
255
00:11:28,817 --> 00:11:30,350
Damn it, Hayley! I'm starving!
256
00:11:30,385 --> 00:11:31,785
Are you gonna make me suck the milk
257
00:11:31,809 --> 00:11:33,953
out of my own damn boobs?!
258
00:11:33,989 --> 00:11:37,390
Huh.
259
00:11:37,425 --> 00:11:39,993
Bring me some Oreos!
260
00:11:40,028 --> 00:11:41,394
Morning, Mimosa-nators.
261
00:11:41,429 --> 00:11:45,498
We're about to surprise Snots
with his third happy day.
262
00:11:45,533 --> 00:11:47,433
Blow the door!
263
00:11:47,469 --> 00:11:49,369
You're back!
264
00:11:49,404 --> 00:11:51,371
Uhh!
265
00:11:51,406 --> 00:11:53,106
♪ Wake up, wake up, wake up ♪
266
00:11:53,141 --> 00:11:57,210
It's time for your third
hap... Where the hell is he?
267
00:11:57,245 --> 00:11:59,112
I'm sorry, Snot. I screwed up,
268
00:11:59,147 --> 00:12:01,214
but I'm gonna get you
out of this, I promise.
269
00:12:02,951 --> 00:12:05,218
He's here! Aah!
270
00:12:05,253 --> 00:12:07,487
Run!
271
00:12:08,823 --> 00:12:10,957
Sues, we're not trying to kill him.
272
00:12:10,992 --> 00:12:13,059
We're just trying to give
him his third happy day.
273
00:12:13,094 --> 00:12:14,761
Sorry.
274
00:12:14,796 --> 00:12:16,529
I was just flashing
back to Desert Storm.
275
00:12:16,564 --> 00:12:19,032
Okay, but you weren't in Desert Storm.
276
00:12:19,067 --> 00:12:21,501
You saw part of "Three Kings" on HBO.
277
00:12:21,536 --> 00:12:25,471
The part I saw was so powerful.
278
00:12:27,709 --> 00:12:29,709
It's not time for my nap yet.
279
00:12:29,744 --> 00:12:31,544
Why are you bringing me upstairs?
280
00:12:31,579 --> 00:12:35,048
On "Goop," Gwyneth Paltrow
says I should avoid stairs.
281
00:12:35,083 --> 00:12:36,883
"Goop" says I shouldn't exert myself.
282
00:12:36,918 --> 00:12:39,385
"Goop" says my ankles are weak.
283
00:12:39,421 --> 00:12:41,101
We should buy an
elevator like "Goop" says.
284
00:12:41,125 --> 00:12:42,789
Surprise!
285
00:12:42,824 --> 00:12:45,858
Oh, my God! A surprise baby shower?!
286
00:12:45,894 --> 00:12:47,493
You've been through a lot, Roger,
287
00:12:47,529 --> 00:12:49,228
and I wanted to do
something nice for you.
288
00:12:49,264 --> 00:12:53,232
Well, as tough as it's been,
I must say I've been a rock.
289
00:12:53,268 --> 00:12:55,401
Ooh! Presents!
290
00:12:56,438 --> 00:13:00,139
Happy baby shower, Roger!
291
00:13:00,175 --> 00:13:01,674
A Phish CD?
292
00:13:01,710 --> 00:13:04,844
It's Jeff's favorite
band! That's so sweet, Mom.
293
00:13:04,879 --> 00:13:06,379
Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no.
294
00:13:06,414 --> 00:13:08,454
The baby is not gonna listen
to this stoner garbage.
295
00:13:08,478 --> 00:13:11,818
He's above that. For him,
it's only classical masters,
296
00:13:11,853 --> 00:13:13,720
like the "Indiana Jones" soundtrack.
297
00:13:15,619 --> 00:13:20,121
Whatever. Dad, why don't
you give Roger your present?
298
00:13:22,597 --> 00:13:24,664
It's Jeff's hat. I got
it out of the closet.
299
00:13:24,699 --> 00:13:26,065
I forgot we were doing this.
300
00:13:26,101 --> 00:13:28,134
Yuck! The baby won't be wearing hats,
301
00:13:28,169 --> 00:13:30,436
not when he has access to my wigs.
302
00:13:30,472 --> 00:13:32,271
Roger, that's Jeff's favorite hat.
303
00:13:32,307 --> 00:13:33,606
He wears it all the time.
304
00:13:33,641 --> 00:13:34,696
Not anymore, he won't.
305
00:13:34,697 --> 00:13:36,937
Are there more presents? Tell
me there are more presents.
306
00:13:36,973 --> 00:13:39,254
Well, I didn't know if it was
going to be a boy or a girl,
307
00:13:39,278 --> 00:13:41,047
so I got you this.
308
00:13:41,082 --> 00:13:44,083
Oh, yes! A sparkly sequined onesie!
309
00:13:44,119 --> 00:13:45,985
This is perfect for the baby!
310
00:13:46,020 --> 00:13:48,054
It's all I've ever wanted for him,
311
00:13:48,089 --> 00:13:50,656
to be sawed in half at a magic show.
312
00:13:50,692 --> 00:13:52,158
Thank you, Klaus.
313
00:13:52,193 --> 00:13:54,394
You're the only one who
knows what my baby wants.
314
00:13:54,429 --> 00:13:56,028
Get over yourself, Roger!
315
00:13:56,064 --> 00:13:59,165
It's not your baby! It's my Jeff!
316
00:13:59,200 --> 00:14:00,733
Oh, it's your Jeff, is it?
317
00:14:00,769 --> 00:14:03,803
Well, what your Jeff
needs is his mother... me.
318
00:14:03,838 --> 00:14:05,838
You know what he doesn't need? You!
319
00:14:05,874 --> 00:14:08,541
And come to think of it,
I don't need you either.
320
00:14:08,576 --> 00:14:11,344
- Where the hell are you going?
- I'm outta here, bitch.
321
00:14:11,379 --> 00:14:13,546
I'm raising this baby on my own.
322
00:14:13,581 --> 00:14:16,616
And you know what? His
name's not Jeff anymore.
323
00:14:16,651 --> 00:14:18,985
It's Tristan!
324
00:14:19,020 --> 00:14:20,853
I figured it out!
325
00:14:20,889 --> 00:14:22,688
This diaper has Snickers in it.
326
00:14:22,724 --> 00:14:24,223
Dad, we weren't playing that game.
327
00:14:24,259 --> 00:14:26,192
Where'd you find that?
328
00:14:28,423 --> 00:14:31,040
Guys, Roger's out
there, God knows where,
329
00:14:31,041 --> 00:14:33,140
walking around with Jeff inside him.
330
00:14:33,175 --> 00:14:35,209
Or should I say Tristan?
331
00:14:35,244 --> 00:14:38,378
Hayley, relax. Tristan's a great name.
332
00:14:38,414 --> 00:14:40,771
We should've named Steve Tristan.
333
00:14:40,772 --> 00:14:43,006
Pregnant mothers just get emotional.
334
00:14:43,041 --> 00:14:45,508
And they stay emotional! Up top.
335
00:14:45,542 --> 00:14:48,010
Don't look at me, Stan. I love women.
336
00:14:48,045 --> 00:14:50,012
I respect them too much.
337
00:14:50,047 --> 00:14:51,313
Please.
338
00:14:51,348 --> 00:14:53,548
Is it too late to side with you, Stan?
339
00:14:53,584 --> 00:14:54,916
Let's go find Roger.
340
00:14:54,952 --> 00:14:56,952
Who knows what he could
be doing right now?
341
00:15:00,257 --> 00:15:05,060
♪ Hayley, I know
you're gonna be upset ♪
342
00:15:05,095 --> 00:15:09,297
♪ 'Cause you need me
to birth human Jeff ♪
343
00:15:09,333 --> 00:15:12,034
♪ But you should know by now ♪
344
00:15:12,069 --> 00:15:15,971
♪ That I'm a bit crazy ♪
345
00:15:17,007 --> 00:15:20,876
♪ You helped to show me what I want ♪
346
00:15:20,911 --> 00:15:25,380
♪ My goal in life is to be a mom ♪
347
00:15:25,416 --> 00:15:27,949
♪ We're in this, him and me ♪
348
00:15:27,985 --> 00:15:31,853
♪ And I don't need Hayley ♪
349
00:15:31,889 --> 00:15:33,789
♪ Hayley, don't preach ♪
350
00:15:33,824 --> 00:15:35,791
♪ I'm in trouble deep ♪
351
00:15:35,826 --> 00:15:37,759
♪ Hayley, don't preach ♪
352
00:15:37,795 --> 00:15:40,262
♪ I need booze to sleep ♪
353
00:15:40,297 --> 00:15:42,597
♪ And I made up my mind ♪
354
00:15:42,633 --> 00:15:46,902
♪ I'm keeping my baby ♪
355
00:15:46,937 --> 00:15:49,438
♪ I'm gonna keep my Tristan ♪
356
00:15:49,473 --> 00:15:52,074
♪ Mmm, mmm ♪
357
00:15:53,777 --> 00:15:57,179
Excuse me, ma'am. Will you be
making a purchase with us today?
358
00:15:57,214 --> 00:16:00,882
No, no, I will not.
359
00:16:09,259 --> 00:16:11,560
Go around, Mike!
360
00:16:17,000 --> 00:16:18,533
Aw, crud.
361
00:16:22,005 --> 00:16:23,305
Looking for this?
362
00:16:23,340 --> 00:16:24,740
Oh, no! How did you find me?
363
00:16:24,775 --> 00:16:27,409
This is where I ran off
to when I was pregnant.
364
00:16:27,444 --> 00:16:30,178
It's the... "Go-to motel
for scared pregnant women."
365
00:16:30,214 --> 00:16:31,813
I read your Yelp review.
366
00:16:31,849 --> 00:16:33,348
Why'd you run away?
367
00:16:33,383 --> 00:16:36,918
To think about the most
important decision of my life...
368
00:16:36,954 --> 00:16:39,221
whether or not I was going to keep you.
369
00:16:39,256 --> 00:16:41,623
Oh, hey! Is that the coin I flipped?
370
00:16:41,658 --> 00:16:43,125
Roger, I'm sorry.
371
00:16:43,160 --> 00:16:46,161
This whole time, I was so
focused on getting Jeff back,
372
00:16:46,196 --> 00:16:48,663
I forgot how much
this was affecting you.
373
00:16:48,699 --> 00:16:51,366
So... I got you this.
374
00:16:52,636 --> 00:16:55,337
Now you can match Jeff...
375
00:16:55,372 --> 00:16:58,039
or Tristan, whatever you wanna call him.
376
00:16:58,075 --> 00:17:00,475
We are in this together.
377
00:17:00,511 --> 00:17:01,843
Let's call him Jeff!
378
00:17:01,879 --> 00:17:05,280
I'm starting to think
"Tristan" is a gay lion's name.
379
00:17:05,315 --> 00:17:06,815
Ready to come home?
380
00:17:06,850 --> 00:17:09,484
Okay, just let me grab my... Aah!
381
00:17:09,520 --> 00:17:11,620
Aah! Roger! Your eyes are bleeding!
382
00:17:11,655 --> 00:17:12,954
The baby!
383
00:17:12,990 --> 00:17:14,350
What? What's wrong with the baby?!
384
00:17:14,374 --> 00:17:16,892
Bleeding eyes means the baby's coming!
385
00:17:16,927 --> 00:17:18,560
I thought you read the book I got you!
386
00:17:18,595 --> 00:17:21,663
I did! But it was just
David Blaine's life story.
387
00:17:21,698 --> 00:17:24,166
Oh, yeah, well, I was
right to give you that book.
388
00:17:24,201 --> 00:17:25,534
It's awesome. Pretty cool.
389
00:17:25,569 --> 00:17:27,602
He was bullied as a kid
and then made himself
390
00:17:27,638 --> 00:17:30,372
into one of the most popular
magicians in the world.
391
00:17:30,407 --> 00:17:33,008
Speaking of magicians,
did you know Criss Angel
392
00:17:33,043 --> 00:17:35,477
lives on the top floor of the Luxor?
393
00:17:35,512 --> 00:17:37,379
- Do you think he has a book?
- I-I don't know.
394
00:17:37,414 --> 00:17:40,949
Shut up, you babbling bitch!
I'm having a baby here!
395
00:18:15,185 --> 00:18:18,653
No one escapes the third happy day!
396
00:18:23,694 --> 00:18:25,727
Childbirth really hurts!
397
00:18:25,762 --> 00:18:28,630
I have so much respect
for Michelle Duggar now,
398
00:18:28,665 --> 00:18:31,433
which is saying something,
because I already considered her
399
00:18:31,468 --> 00:18:34,536
one of the most accomplished
women of her generation.
400
00:18:34,571 --> 00:18:36,304
Aah!
401
00:18:36,340 --> 00:18:37,939
Stay strong, Roger. Keep pushing.
402
00:18:37,975 --> 00:18:41,109
This is punishment for all
the bad things I've done,
403
00:18:41,144 --> 00:18:43,144
like the time I took those blind people
404
00:18:43,180 --> 00:18:45,080
to that noisy warehouse and told them
405
00:18:45,115 --> 00:18:46,581
they were at the World Series.
406
00:18:46,617 --> 00:18:50,252
I sold them $12 beers I bought for $8,
407
00:18:50,287 --> 00:18:52,854
and when they were super
drunk, I made their team lose
408
00:18:52,890 --> 00:18:54,256
in the bottom of the 9th
409
00:18:54,291 --> 00:18:56,658
and broke their dumb, blind hearts.
410
00:18:56,693 --> 00:18:57,893
Keep pushing!
411
00:18:59,496 --> 00:19:01,029
He's here!
412
00:19:03,233 --> 00:19:06,134
Congratulations! It's a strange thing.
413
00:19:06,169 --> 00:19:08,837
Why's he so small? I thought
he was coming out full grown.
414
00:19:08,872 --> 00:19:10,171
What's wrong?
415
00:19:10,207 --> 00:19:12,007
Oh, it's like one of
those sponge dinosaurs.
416
00:19:12,042 --> 00:19:13,975
He'll get bigger once we add water.
417
00:19:14,011 --> 00:19:16,444
Can I... Can I see him?
418
00:19:16,480 --> 00:19:20,415
Hey, buddy.
419
00:19:20,450 --> 00:19:22,651
Roger!
420
00:19:22,686 --> 00:19:25,887
My mouth is super juicy
for this very purpose.
421
00:19:25,923 --> 00:19:27,656
- Babe.
- Jeff, it's you!
422
00:19:27,691 --> 00:19:28,924
Aw, give him here.
423
00:19:28,959 --> 00:19:32,694
I need to do skin-to-skin
contact right away.
424
00:19:32,729 --> 00:19:36,331
He's not latching. I disown this child.
425
00:19:41,605 --> 00:19:44,372
I'm sorry these three happy
days have been so terrible.
426
00:19:44,408 --> 00:19:47,008
Actually, today's been pretty good.
427
00:19:47,044 --> 00:19:49,344
What? You twisted your ankle,
428
00:19:49,379 --> 00:19:51,112
we almost died in a freezing river,
429
00:19:51,148 --> 00:19:52,628
and now we're hiding in a storm drain
430
00:19:52,652 --> 00:19:54,115
that smells like a dead body.
431
00:19:54,151 --> 00:19:57,819
Yeah, but I wasn't poor,
and you weren't middle class.
432
00:19:57,854 --> 00:20:02,223
We were just two best
friends, running for our lives.
433
00:20:02,259 --> 00:20:04,592
Come here.
434
00:20:04,628 --> 00:20:05,794
Whoa.
435
00:20:05,829 --> 00:20:09,164
I feel it, too. This
is a hell of a moment.
436
00:20:09,199 --> 00:20:13,368
No, it's just... I know why it
smells like a dead body in here.
437
00:20:13,403 --> 00:20:14,636
I'm not dead.
438
00:20:14,671 --> 00:20:16,604
Just because I don't conform
439
00:20:16,640 --> 00:20:19,975
to your conventional standard
of beauty doesn't mean I'm dead.
440
00:20:20,010 --> 00:20:24,579
You know all those magazine
covers are Photoshopped, right?
441
00:20:24,614 --> 00:20:25,880
Aah!
442
00:20:25,916 --> 00:20:31,353
Scared of what a real woman looks like?!
443
00:20:33,590 --> 00:20:35,423
So after everything with Roger,
444
00:20:35,459 --> 00:20:38,680
I realized, there's so
much more to having kids
445
00:20:38,681 --> 00:20:39,676
than I ever thought,
446
00:20:39,677 --> 00:20:41,746
and I don't know if
they're ready for that.
447
00:20:41,747 --> 00:20:43,614
Well, having just been born,
448
00:20:43,729 --> 00:20:46,529
I feel I'm a little
young to have a baby.
449
00:20:46,654 --> 00:20:48,474
Guys, I finally added up the bill
450
00:20:48,475 --> 00:20:49,693
for being your surrogate.
451
00:20:49,694 --> 00:20:52,301
Food, parts, labor,
loss of other income,
452
00:20:52,302 --> 00:20:55,342
all totaled... you owe
me a ride to the mall.
453
00:20:55,402 --> 00:20:57,883
Subtitle sync and corrections by
awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.