1
00:00:15,605 --> 00:00:18,443
When I joined the C.I.A.,
I knew the deal.

2
00:00:18,475 --> 00:00:20,811
If we make a mistake, we cover it up,

3
00:00:20,844 --> 00:00:23,647
like the time Dick accidentally
created feline AIDS,

4
00:00:23,681 --> 00:00:26,784
and we covered it up by
blaming it on gay cats.

5
00:00:26,818 --> 00:00:28,486
But this was different.

6
00:00:28,519 --> 00:00:31,023
This was too big to cover.

7
00:00:32,222 --> 00:00:34,491
And Bullock wanted blood.

8
00:00:34,524 --> 00:00:37,628
Now, I'm only going to say this once.

9
00:00:37,661 --> 00:00:40,198
I love Christmas!

10
00:00:40,231 --> 00:00:43,535
Okay, two numbers left in
the Evil Santa gift swap.

11
00:00:43,567 --> 00:00:45,336
Number 13.

12
00:00:46,337 --> 00:00:48,440
Davenport, choose a gift from the table

13
00:00:48,472 --> 00:00:50,674
or take someone else's.

14
00:00:50,707 --> 00:00:53,777
The Nicolas Cage stickers and
tin of breadsticks thing is

15
00:00:53,810 --> 00:00:56,715
still extremely available for a steal.

16
00:01:01,185 --> 00:01:02,853
Tough luck, Duper.

17
00:01:02,887 --> 00:01:04,322
Anyway, Davenport, you're up.

18
00:01:04,355 --> 00:01:06,224
Uh, I'll pick.

19
00:01:06,257 --> 00:01:08,260
We have a picker!

20
00:01:11,896 --> 00:01:14,498
It's a pizza-slice sleeping bag!

21
00:01:14,531 --> 00:01:16,567
And the crust is a sewn-in pillow.

22
00:01:16,600 --> 00:01:18,302
He'll be king of the sleepover!

23
00:01:20,504 --> 00:01:21,805
A winning gift!

24
00:01:21,838 --> 00:01:23,707
Unlike the breadsticks,

25
00:01:23,740 --> 00:01:26,710
which have effectively taken
Duper out of the game.

26
00:01:29,614 --> 00:01:32,751
Still, it gave everyone else
the gift of laughter...

27
00:01:32,784 --> 00:01:35,920
in a way, the only true gift.

28
00:01:35,953 --> 00:01:38,090
Okay, my turn.

29
00:01:39,189 --> 00:01:43,161
Hmm, The torture variety
pack is tempting...

30
00:01:43,194 --> 00:01:47,365
heretic's fork, metal
spanker, anal-tarring brush.

31
00:01:47,397 --> 00:01:48,566
It's a barbecue set.

32
00:01:48,599 --> 00:01:50,734
But who needs two of anything?

33
00:01:50,768 --> 00:01:51,936
I shall pick.

34
00:01:56,140 --> 00:01:59,076
Wait, t-there should be a gift here.

35
00:01:59,109 --> 00:02:00,844
There's no gift for me.

36
00:02:00,877 --> 00:02:03,347
But... but that means

37
00:02:03,380 --> 00:02:04,615
someone didn't bring one!

38
00:02:04,649 --> 00:02:06,451
- What?!
- Impossible!

39
00:02:06,483 --> 00:02:07,618
It can't be!

40
00:02:07,652 --> 00:02:09,087
It is be.

41
00:02:09,119 --> 00:02:10,521
Who didn't bring a gift?

42
00:02:10,554 --> 00:02:13,290
And don't try to sell me
on the gift of laughter,

43
00:02:13,323 --> 00:02:14,591
'cause that's horse shit!

44
00:02:14,625 --> 00:02:17,595
Who was it?! Who's ruined everything?!

45
00:02:17,627 --> 00:02:19,696
Everyone was a suspect.

46
00:02:19,730 --> 00:02:22,534
Only one person knew who did it.

47
00:02:22,566 --> 00:02:24,268
There was one thing we all knew.

48
00:02:24,302 --> 00:02:27,605
I'm going to (bleep) this
(bleep) in the tushy!

49
00:02:27,637 --> 00:02:30,941
Hand me the anal-tarring brush!

50
00:03:01,037 --> 00:03:03,641
No one knew who didn't bring the gift,

51
00:03:03,673 --> 00:03:06,743
or worse... what Bullock
might do trying to find out.

52
00:03:06,777 --> 00:03:10,447
Now, I'm no chef, but
an unpredictable man

53
00:03:10,481 --> 00:03:15,019
in a position of power smelled
like a bad recipe to me.

54
00:03:15,052 --> 00:03:18,189
And I should know...
I'm an expert chef.

55
00:03:18,221 --> 00:03:20,725
Le Cordon Bleu class of '08.

56
00:03:22,692 --> 00:03:23,928
Sir?

57
00:03:23,960 --> 00:03:25,329
You seem a little upset.

58
00:03:25,363 --> 00:03:27,265
You can always read me, Smith!

59
00:03:27,297 --> 00:03:29,366
I'm bloody outraged!

60
00:03:29,399 --> 00:03:34,539
Sir, if I may, it's only Evil Santa.

61
00:03:34,571 --> 00:03:37,140
"Only Evil Santa?"

62
00:03:37,173 --> 00:03:39,677
"Only Evil Santa."

63
00:03:39,709 --> 00:03:41,945
And this is only a pin.

64
00:03:41,978 --> 00:03:43,614
Whoa-ho-ho!

65
00:03:43,648 --> 00:03:46,817
Every agent puts his life in the
hands of his fellow agents,

66
00:03:46,851 --> 00:03:49,654
and if we can't trust
our fellow agents,

67
00:03:49,686 --> 00:03:51,221
all our lives are at risk!

68
00:03:51,255 --> 00:03:53,525
I-I see how it's a big deal now, sir.

69
00:03:53,558 --> 00:03:54,959
I swear to you, Smith,

70
00:03:54,992 --> 00:03:57,695
I will find out who
didn't bring a present.

71
00:03:57,727 --> 00:04:00,097
I refuse to live like this!

72
00:04:01,232 --> 00:04:02,501
Office grenade!

73
00:04:03,900 --> 00:04:06,337
Oh, no! My whiskey stones!

74
00:04:06,369 --> 00:04:08,238
They weren't destroyed!

75
00:04:08,272 --> 00:04:10,642
Sir, I-I know you want to get this guy,

76
00:04:10,674 --> 00:04:12,809
but maybe you're too close to it,

77
00:04:12,843 --> 00:04:14,978
like a doctor operating
on their own child.

78
00:04:15,011 --> 00:04:17,648
Or a person standing right
behind another person.

79
00:04:17,682 --> 00:04:19,884
Sure. Listen, you're a busy man.

80
00:04:19,917 --> 00:04:21,553
You've got the C.I.A. to run

81
00:04:21,585 --> 00:04:23,487
and pins to keep in your grenades.

82
00:04:23,521 --> 00:04:25,256
Why don't you let me
lead the investigation?

83
00:04:25,288 --> 00:04:26,658
Well, that's not up to me.

84
00:04:26,691 --> 00:04:28,259
That's up to the hiring committee,

85
00:04:28,292 --> 00:04:31,262
of which I appoint you the sole member.

86
00:04:31,295 --> 00:04:33,497
Then, I'll... hire myself?

87
00:04:33,530 --> 00:04:37,302
Those pencil pushers finally
got something right.

88
00:04:42,020 --> 00:04:43,989
Thanks for taking me to
get a new suit, Klaus.

89
00:04:44,022 --> 00:04:45,325
I figure I should start planning

90
00:04:45,358 --> 00:04:47,193
for the Spring Harvest dance now.

91
00:04:47,226 --> 00:04:50,096
It's never too early to start
thinking about outfits.

92
00:04:50,128 --> 00:04:51,864
I mean, I already know
what I'm gonna wear

93
00:04:51,897 --> 00:04:53,099
to your funeral.

94
00:04:53,132 --> 00:04:55,168
My Insane Clown Posse t-shirt.

95
00:04:55,200 --> 00:04:56,335
That looks great on you.

96
00:04:56,368 --> 00:04:57,703
Yeah, no shit.

97
00:04:57,736 --> 00:04:59,539
Trying to impress a lady?

98
00:04:59,572 --> 00:05:01,341
Trying to impress all of them.

99
00:05:01,373 --> 00:05:03,976
You know who never
lacked for attention?

100
00:05:04,010 --> 00:05:06,479
Solomon Chantez Le Bas,

101
00:05:06,512 --> 00:05:10,383
the most storied lady
killer of the 1890s.

102
00:05:10,416 --> 00:05:15,121
His secret... an antique handkerchief.

103
00:05:15,154 --> 00:05:16,690
The gentleman angle.

104
00:05:17,489 --> 00:05:18,891
I'll take it!

105
00:05:18,924 --> 00:05:23,562
That's crazy, but it's
your funeral, bro.

106
00:05:48,053 --> 00:05:49,421
Taking the case,

107
00:05:49,455 --> 00:05:51,758
I knew what might happen
to the guilty agent.

108
00:05:51,791 --> 00:05:55,362
But I never imagined what would
happen to the innocent ones.

109
00:05:58,263 --> 00:05:59,898
Look, Bullock wants me to crack heads,

110
00:05:59,931 --> 00:06:01,833
but we're friends, so
let's just sit in here

111
00:06:01,866 --> 00:06:03,503
for 10 minutes and shoot the breeze.

112
00:06:03,536 --> 00:06:05,038
Oh, great, I don't know why,

113
00:06:05,070 --> 00:06:07,039
but I was a little nervous about this.

114
00:06:07,073 --> 00:06:08,541
The only thing you should
be nervous about is

115
00:06:08,573 --> 00:06:09,708
your golf game.

116
00:06:12,411 --> 00:06:13,546
You can't clam up on me, punk!

117
00:06:13,578 --> 00:06:14,747
I know you're hiding something!

118
00:06:15,948 --> 00:06:17,250
Okay! Okay!

119
00:06:17,282 --> 00:06:19,419
I'm the one taking
dumps in the urinals!

120
00:06:19,452 --> 00:06:21,921
I call it an "inside
the park home run"!

121
00:06:24,823 --> 00:06:26,058
Smith, good work.

122
00:06:26,092 --> 00:06:28,094
Dick, that's a funny name for it.

123
00:06:29,561 --> 00:06:30,929
Congratulations, Dick.

124
00:06:30,962 --> 00:06:33,366
You are no longer my
number-one suspect.

125
00:06:33,399 --> 00:06:35,234
You're my number-two suspect.

126
00:06:35,267 --> 00:06:37,236
That's a shit joke, Dick.

127
00:06:37,269 --> 00:06:39,072
Who says this can't be fun?

128
00:06:40,171 --> 00:06:43,909
Styles! Thanks for dropping by, bud.

129
00:06:43,943 --> 00:06:45,878
When are we gonna get back
on that squash court?

130
00:06:45,911 --> 00:06:47,880
I had a thought, Smith.

131
00:06:47,912 --> 00:06:49,081
Never mind.

132
00:06:49,114 --> 00:06:50,916
We can talk after your interviews.

133
00:06:50,950 --> 00:06:53,319
I used to be a popular guy,

134
00:06:53,351 --> 00:06:55,654
but if you leave no stone unturned,

135
00:06:55,688 --> 00:06:59,693
eventually the stones turn on you.

136
00:07:08,933 --> 00:07:10,469
Handkerchief, my lady?

137
00:07:10,503 --> 00:07:13,906
You're such a gentleman, Steve.

138
00:07:13,938 --> 00:07:15,575
We are a dying breed.

139
00:07:15,608 --> 00:07:17,844
My mother's always saying
I should be looking

140
00:07:17,876 --> 00:07:19,311
for boys like you.

141
00:07:19,344 --> 00:07:20,979
I super love my mom, too.

142
00:07:22,281 --> 00:07:23,483
Aww!

143
00:07:23,515 --> 00:07:26,486
This may seem forward,

144
00:07:26,519 --> 00:07:29,288
but would you take me to the
Spring Harvest dance next weekend?

145
00:07:55,847 --> 00:07:59,585
I would love to.

146
00:08:01,186 --> 00:08:03,056
Maybe it's time to put someone else

147
00:08:03,089 --> 00:08:04,690
on the Evil Santa case.

148
00:08:04,724 --> 00:08:07,360
It's been months, and you
have nothing to show for it.

149
00:08:07,392 --> 00:08:08,727
Not nothing, sir.

150
00:08:08,760 --> 00:08:10,195
I have this.

151
00:08:11,830 --> 00:08:13,633
I just need to turn one
of these question marks

152
00:08:13,666 --> 00:08:15,201
into something I know.

153
00:08:15,234 --> 00:08:17,969
Idiotic.

154
00:08:18,003 --> 00:08:20,539
I didn't know if I was
impressing him or not,

155
00:08:20,573 --> 00:08:22,140
but I did know one thing...

156
00:08:22,174 --> 00:08:24,743
I couldn't let him take me off the case

157
00:08:24,777 --> 00:08:27,479
because the man I was hunting...

158
00:08:27,512 --> 00:08:28,681
was me.

159
00:08:28,714 --> 00:08:30,550
Aw, damn!

160
00:08:30,582 --> 00:08:32,217
You nasty.

161
00:08:37,277 --> 00:08:38,612
I mean, I meant to bring a present,

162
00:08:38,646 --> 00:08:41,248
but I couldn't because
I forgot to buy one.

163
00:08:41,281 --> 00:08:42,583
Now I'm in too deep,

164
00:08:42,617 --> 00:08:44,652
caught in a web of lies,
and it's killing me.

165
00:08:44,685 --> 00:08:46,021
Killing you?

166
00:08:46,054 --> 00:08:48,622
A web of lies is only bad for the fly.

167
00:08:48,655 --> 00:08:50,092
You're the spider.

168
00:08:50,125 --> 00:08:52,427
For the spider, the web's a P.F.
Chang's.

169
00:08:52,459 --> 00:08:53,627
P.F. Chang's?

170
00:08:53,660 --> 00:08:55,162
That's a good thing?

171
00:08:55,195 --> 00:08:56,665
It's a great thing!

172
00:08:56,698 --> 00:08:58,367
I knew I should come to you with this.

173
00:08:58,400 --> 00:09:00,869
You're the best liar I know.
I need your help.

174
00:09:00,901 --> 00:09:02,036
All right, I'll get you out.

175
00:09:02,069 --> 00:09:03,472
But you have to listen carefully,

176
00:09:03,505 --> 00:09:05,506
and you're gonna have
to lie a bit more.

177
00:09:05,540 --> 00:09:06,842
If it ends this,

178
00:09:06,875 --> 00:09:09,211
- I'm in your hands.
- Perfect.

179
00:09:09,243 --> 00:09:10,845
These are the same hands
that choked Lisa Bonet

180
00:09:10,878 --> 00:09:12,680
when she beat me out for the
role of Denise Huxtable

181
00:09:12,713 --> 00:09:14,215
on "A Different World."

182
00:09:14,248 --> 00:09:16,283
That was a lie. The role
was created for her.

183
00:09:16,316 --> 00:09:17,451
But I did choke her.

184
00:09:17,484 --> 00:09:19,553
Now, here are a few crucial phases

185
00:09:19,587 --> 00:09:21,023
to controlling a lie.

186
00:09:21,055 --> 00:09:24,325
The first phase is believe the lie.

187
00:09:24,358 --> 00:09:26,494
You haven't believed, so
you've been stalling,

188
00:09:26,527 --> 00:09:28,229
spinning your wheels.

189
00:09:28,262 --> 00:09:30,564
- You would never do that on a real case.
- I know.

190
00:09:30,598 --> 00:09:32,534
Bullock wants to bring in someone else.

191
00:09:32,566 --> 00:09:35,336
And that's exactly what's gonna happen.

192
00:09:35,370 --> 00:09:38,206
Sir, I know how much
this case means to you,

193
00:09:38,238 --> 00:09:39,708
so I'm bringing on some help.

194
00:09:39,741 --> 00:09:42,210
Ace Crouton, consulting detective.

195
00:09:42,242 --> 00:09:43,645
Now, let's get one thing straight...

196
00:09:43,678 --> 00:09:45,547
I work for the case, not for the cops,

197
00:09:45,579 --> 00:09:47,549
not for him, and definitely not for...

198
00:09:47,582 --> 00:09:49,484
I'm talking to a chair. Why
am I talking to a chair?

199
00:09:49,516 --> 00:09:51,085
Sorry, I was fired up, so I came in

200
00:09:51,118 --> 00:09:52,887
and just kind of went into it.

201
00:09:52,920 --> 00:09:54,989
Don't worry, Smith. I heard everything.
Carry on.

202
00:09:55,022 --> 00:09:56,891
We need wire taps, surveillance vans,

203
00:09:56,925 --> 00:09:58,426
a satellite team in Bogotá.

204
00:09:58,459 --> 00:10:00,594
Yes! I love this new energy.

205
00:10:00,627 --> 00:10:03,230
The entire C.I.A. is at your disposal.

206
00:10:03,263 --> 00:10:05,332
Does that include the
Starbucks in the lobby...

207
00:10:05,366 --> 00:10:06,934
specifically the employees,

208
00:10:06,968 --> 00:10:08,402
specifically Greg?

209
00:10:08,435 --> 00:10:09,670
Uhh...

210
00:10:09,704 --> 00:10:11,939
you can have Kevin,

211
00:10:11,973 --> 00:10:13,742
but not Greg.

212
00:10:16,710 --> 00:10:18,446
Bye, Jim. Bye, Liz.

213
00:10:18,479 --> 00:10:20,247
You better expect a call on Monday

214
00:10:20,280 --> 00:10:22,250
for that lemon-bar recipe.

215
00:10:22,282 --> 00:10:24,952
Boy, your parents are super rad.

216
00:10:24,986 --> 00:10:27,689
Steve, you were great.
My parents loved you.

217
00:10:27,722 --> 00:10:29,524
- Have fun at the dance.
- Huh?

218
00:10:29,556 --> 00:10:32,259
Wait, did I forget to
tell you the plan?

219
00:10:32,293 --> 00:10:35,097
My parents won't let me date
a sexy bad boy like Wyatt,

220
00:10:35,130 --> 00:10:37,199
so I used you, a sexless good boy,

221
00:10:37,232 --> 00:10:39,401
to get out of the house.

222
00:10:39,434 --> 00:10:43,038
She's 14 and you're, like, 25, buddy!

223
00:10:43,070 --> 00:10:46,874
Good luck picking a movie
that you both agree on!

224
00:10:49,611 --> 00:10:51,713
We just saw what she did.

225
00:10:51,746 --> 00:10:53,548
Yeah, go ahead. Laugh it up.

226
00:10:53,580 --> 00:10:54,982
No.

227
00:10:55,016 --> 00:10:57,752
We were wondering... Would
you do that for us?

228
00:10:57,785 --> 00:10:59,820
My parents hate my boyfriend, too.

229
00:10:59,853 --> 00:11:01,288
I'll even pay you.

230
00:11:01,322 --> 00:11:04,559
Will you be our "widdle"
good boy, Steve?

231
00:11:04,592 --> 00:11:06,962
Hmm, a good boy front.

232
00:11:06,995 --> 00:11:10,065
So, first I get the money,
then I get the motorcycle...

233
00:11:10,098 --> 00:11:12,434
after I take the
responsible riders course.

234
00:11:12,467 --> 00:11:15,270
Then, I'll be the
responsible, sexy bad boy!

235
00:11:15,303 --> 00:11:17,206
Ladies, we're in business.

236
00:11:18,939 --> 00:11:20,141
So...

237
00:11:20,175 --> 00:11:22,010
- will you do it?
- Hm?

238
00:11:23,944 --> 00:11:25,613
I can't believe this worked!

239
00:11:25,646 --> 00:11:26,814
What a rush!

240
00:11:26,848 --> 00:11:28,949
The joy of getting away with a lie

241
00:11:28,982 --> 00:11:31,453
is better than a million
helping-peoples.

242
00:11:31,486 --> 00:11:35,224
Now it's on to phase two of lying...
benefits.

243
00:11:41,195 --> 00:11:42,796
I don't understand this phase.

244
00:11:42,829 --> 00:11:44,598
Should we be looking for something?

245
00:11:44,631 --> 00:11:46,001
The view, Stan.

246
00:11:46,034 --> 00:11:48,436
We use a helicopter for
the "investigation,"

247
00:11:48,468 --> 00:11:50,805
but we're really enjoying the views.

248
00:11:50,838 --> 00:11:51,839
The views?

249
00:11:51,872 --> 00:11:53,141
Now you're getting it!

250
00:11:53,174 --> 00:11:55,143
And this is just one of many benefits.

251
00:11:55,175 --> 00:11:56,377
The next is Eat Day.

252
00:11:56,410 --> 00:11:58,280
Eat Day is just what it sounds like.

253
00:11:58,313 --> 00:11:59,780
Then there's Bone Day.

254
00:11:59,814 --> 00:12:02,117
You just wake up and start
plowing babes all day.

255
00:12:02,150 --> 00:12:03,617
I'm not doing that.

256
00:12:03,651 --> 00:12:05,554
I just want everything
normal at work again.

257
00:12:05,587 --> 00:12:06,855
Ugh, fine.

258
00:12:06,887 --> 00:12:08,857
We'll go straight to the last phase...

259
00:12:08,890 --> 00:12:10,526
the blame phase.

260
00:12:11,992 --> 00:12:13,627
What... What are you doing, Stan?

261
00:12:13,660 --> 00:12:15,896
Looking for the words. The
words usually appear.

262
00:12:15,930 --> 00:12:17,665
Yeah... okay.

263
00:12:17,699 --> 00:12:19,668
Oh, my God, I think I'm losing it!

264
00:12:19,700 --> 00:12:21,969
Check your jacket pocket.

265
00:12:22,002 --> 00:12:23,338
No!

266
00:12:25,006 --> 00:12:27,309
The blame phase!

267
00:12:27,342 --> 00:12:29,343
To accept blame. Of course.

268
00:12:29,377 --> 00:12:31,979
I knew eventually I'd have to fess up.

269
00:12:32,012 --> 00:12:33,247
Accept... Huh?

270
00:12:33,280 --> 00:12:34,815
No! You just blame it on someone else.

271
00:12:34,848 --> 00:12:36,483
I can't blame another agent.

272
00:12:36,516 --> 00:12:38,185
Okay, well, not a living agent.

273
00:12:38,218 --> 00:12:40,521
People in the C.I.A. die
all the time, right?

274
00:12:40,555 --> 00:12:42,824
So, wait for the next
one and pin it on them.

275
00:12:42,857 --> 00:12:44,726
That's... That's actually a good idea.

276
00:12:44,758 --> 00:12:46,660
What do you mean, actually a good idea?

277
00:12:46,694 --> 00:12:48,430
You say that like I
don't have good ideas.

278
00:12:48,463 --> 00:12:49,930
I always have good ideas.

279
00:12:49,963 --> 00:12:52,833
I am by far the most creative
person in the family!

280
00:12:52,867 --> 00:12:53,867
Okay, okay.

281
00:12:53,901 --> 00:12:55,170
Okay yourself, guy.

282
00:12:55,203 --> 00:12:57,939
Sorry, sorry. I'm... I'm truly sorry.

283
00:12:57,972 --> 00:13:00,074
Let's just forget about it.

284
00:13:03,444 --> 00:13:06,180
I feel like I undersold Bone Day.

285
00:13:42,183 --> 00:13:44,753
Thanks for not trying anything, Steve!

286
00:13:44,785 --> 00:13:46,755
And I never will!

287
00:13:50,190 --> 00:13:51,925
You asked to see me, sir?

288
00:13:51,958 --> 00:13:54,496
Tell me something good, Smith.
I need it.

289
00:13:54,529 --> 00:13:55,764
Something good.

290
00:13:55,796 --> 00:13:58,165
Uh, Big Daddy Jeff and the Stooge

291
00:13:58,199 --> 00:13:59,668
are back on FM 93.1.

292
00:13:59,700 --> 00:14:01,402
I guess the Stooge
isn't going to prison.

293
00:14:01,435 --> 00:14:04,605
A weight lifted, and my heart needs it.

294
00:14:04,638 --> 00:14:08,242
Agent Davenport died on
a mission last night.

295
00:14:08,276 --> 00:14:12,112
Sir, um, I know the
timing of this is tough,

296
00:14:12,146 --> 00:14:15,817
but, well, I closed the
case this morning.

297
00:14:15,849 --> 00:14:17,184
It was Agent Davenport

298
00:14:17,218 --> 00:14:18,953
who didn't bring a gift to Evil Santa.

299
00:14:18,986 --> 00:14:20,422
Smith, are you quite sure?

300
00:14:20,454 --> 00:14:22,256
I am.

301
00:14:22,290 --> 00:14:25,660
Maybe he knew I was close and
took it into his own hands.

302
00:14:25,693 --> 00:14:28,862
By tying himself up and
being shot several times

303
00:14:28,896 --> 00:14:31,266
through the trunk of an old Fiat.

304
00:14:31,299 --> 00:14:32,800
Yes, that makes sense.

305
00:14:32,833 --> 00:14:33,834
But why...

306
00:14:33,867 --> 00:14:35,337
He was still a great agent.

307
00:14:35,370 --> 00:14:36,871
The best way to honor him

308
00:14:36,904 --> 00:14:39,607
is to not look for any
soft spots in my story.

309
00:14:39,640 --> 00:14:41,143
You're right.

310
00:14:43,745 --> 00:14:45,380
You can pay for your
Steve date experience

311
00:14:45,412 --> 00:14:46,680
with cash or credit.

312
00:14:46,713 --> 00:14:48,782
She wants to know if we'll accept

313
00:14:48,815 --> 00:14:51,319
a video of her getting
her nipples pierced.

314
00:14:51,352 --> 00:14:53,954
Yeah, look, Jessica, Steve
would love to escort you

315
00:14:53,987 --> 00:14:55,390
to the Winter Formal,

316
00:14:55,423 --> 00:14:57,458
but I'm looking and there's
nothing available.

317
00:14:57,492 --> 00:15:00,728
You know what, for you, let
me talk to my manager.

318
00:15:04,531 --> 00:15:06,468
Oh, my God, this never happens.

319
00:15:06,501 --> 00:15:08,136
He's making room for you.

320
00:15:08,169 --> 00:15:11,072
I cannot stress to you how
much this never happens.

321
00:15:11,104 --> 00:15:13,540
If you were to expect
this in the future,

322
00:15:13,574 --> 00:15:15,510
you would be insane.

323
00:15:17,210 --> 00:15:20,047
You're really going to enjoy
our Steve Silver Package.

324
00:15:20,080 --> 00:15:21,715
It's a drop-off, a picture,

325
00:15:21,748 --> 00:15:24,252
and I'll talk to your dad
about model airplanes.

326
00:15:24,285 --> 00:15:26,521
Oh, Steve, you're so nice.

327
00:15:26,554 --> 00:15:29,891
It's... It's making me
so horny for Trevor.

328
00:15:29,924 --> 00:15:32,059
Oh, you're one of Trevor's girls.

329
00:15:32,093 --> 00:15:35,430
Yeah, he's been hitting it
pretty hard since his divorce.

330
00:15:35,463 --> 00:15:38,867
We're gathered here
today to honor a man,

331
00:15:38,900 --> 00:15:40,502
Wallace Davenport.

332
00:15:40,535 --> 00:15:42,904
- I think you actually got me out of this.
- Actually?

333
00:15:42,936 --> 00:15:44,905
What... What the hell
is your problem, man?

334
00:15:44,939 --> 00:15:48,675
Beloved husband, devoted father, and...

335
00:15:51,078 --> 00:15:53,213
Oh, I just can't do it!

336
00:15:53,247 --> 00:15:56,251
How dare you cry for this man?

337
00:15:56,284 --> 00:15:58,753
He didn't bring a gift to Evil Santa!

338
00:15:59,820 --> 00:16:01,723
I'm not sure if there is a hell,

339
00:16:01,756 --> 00:16:04,225
but if there is one, Davenport's there,

340
00:16:04,257 --> 00:16:06,927
wrapping an empty box
in his own flayed skin

341
00:16:06,960 --> 00:16:08,061
for all eternity!

342
00:16:08,094 --> 00:16:09,630
But he brought a poker set.

343
00:16:09,664 --> 00:16:11,933
Shh! You're... You're
delirious with grief.

344
00:16:11,965 --> 00:16:13,967
That was me. I brought the poker set.

345
00:16:14,001 --> 00:16:15,970
- He was a coward!
- He was a traitor!

346
00:16:16,002 --> 00:16:17,805
Whoa, whoa, whoa, people, please.

347
00:16:17,838 --> 00:16:19,207
Can't we just bury the man

348
00:16:19,239 --> 00:16:21,141
and all the issues surrounding him?

349
00:16:21,175 --> 00:16:23,811
You'll never see a dime of his pension.

350
00:16:23,844 --> 00:16:25,979
But we'll lose everything.

351
00:16:26,012 --> 00:16:27,714
This has gone too far.

352
00:16:27,747 --> 00:16:30,451
Stan, can't you see no
one's getting hurt here?

353
00:16:30,484 --> 00:16:34,121
I declare prima nocta!

354
00:16:39,224 --> 00:16:41,027
We're never gonna make it

355
00:16:41,060 --> 00:16:43,496
with Bullock taking the pension away.

356
00:16:43,528 --> 00:16:45,464
Katie's medication alone...

357
00:16:46,865 --> 00:16:48,967
And Katie's... Katie's
absolutely essential?

358
00:16:49,767 --> 00:16:50,470
You know what, forget it.

359
00:16:50,561 --> 00:16:52,296
I guarantee you'll have that pension.

360
00:16:54,299 --> 00:16:56,701
Roger, I just promised the C.I.A.

361
00:16:56,733 --> 00:16:58,903
would pay Davenport's pension.

362
00:16:58,936 --> 00:17:00,237
Oh, bad lie, Stan.

363
00:17:00,271 --> 00:17:01,705
Not a Roger-sanctioned lie.

364
00:17:01,738 --> 00:17:02,773
But it is a lie,

365
00:17:02,806 --> 00:17:04,575
so don't be too hard on yourself.

366
00:17:04,608 --> 00:17:06,744
- How am I gonna pay her?
- It's simple.

367
00:17:06,778 --> 00:17:09,614
You get a night job to support
your new secret family.

368
00:17:09,646 --> 00:17:10,781
I know a great place.

369
00:17:10,815 --> 00:17:12,150
Ace Crouton!

370
00:17:12,183 --> 00:17:14,051
You were supposed to
find my missing kid!

371
00:17:14,085 --> 00:17:15,620
And I'm looking for him.

372
00:17:15,653 --> 00:17:16,655
Her.

373
00:17:16,687 --> 00:17:18,255
Oh, a clue!

374
00:17:21,859 --> 00:17:23,227
Great.

375
00:17:23,261 --> 00:17:25,396
Now go on and get felt
up by a delinquent.

376
00:17:25,429 --> 00:17:26,597
He's not coming.

377
00:17:26,630 --> 00:17:28,733
He just texted me. He's sick.

378
00:17:28,765 --> 00:17:31,302
Tony's sick, too.

379
00:17:31,336 --> 00:17:33,637
Wyatt's dead.

380
00:17:33,671 --> 00:17:36,741
Steve, do you have that hanky on you?

381
00:17:36,773 --> 00:17:40,411
No. Unfortunately I don't,
tonight of all nights.

382
00:17:40,444 --> 00:17:43,447
Center for Disease Control!
Nobody move!

383
00:17:44,682 --> 00:17:46,084
What's going on?!

384
00:17:48,986 --> 00:17:50,288
Right here. Hot zone.

385
00:17:51,990 --> 00:17:53,525
Aah! I confess!

386
00:17:53,558 --> 00:17:56,127
I'm a good boy for hire!

387
00:17:57,328 --> 00:17:58,597
Sir, he's telling the truth.

388
00:17:58,629 --> 00:17:59,997
Who cares?

389
00:18:00,031 --> 00:18:01,832
There's been an outbreak
of conquistador measles,

390
00:18:01,866 --> 00:18:04,202
and levels are off the
chart around this kid.

391
00:18:06,370 --> 00:18:08,406
Mother of God.

392
00:18:11,842 --> 00:18:14,211
Wait, why didn't I get sick?

393
00:18:14,244 --> 00:18:17,648
Conquistador measles doesn't
infect the sexually immature.

394
00:18:17,682 --> 00:18:20,852
Pfft. A class-5 virus going
after a dweeb like you?

395
00:18:20,885 --> 00:18:22,387
Please.

396
00:18:22,419 --> 00:18:24,188
But it could still like
me as a friend, right?

397
00:18:24,222 --> 00:18:25,824
And maybe one day,

398
00:18:25,857 --> 00:18:28,327
it could grow into something
more than friendship?

399
00:18:36,367 --> 00:18:38,802
Stan, are you working late again?

400
00:18:38,836 --> 00:18:41,806
I need you here to
explain Kimmel's jokes.

401
00:18:41,838 --> 00:18:45,377
You know how the C.I.A. is
this time of year with...

402
00:18:45,409 --> 00:18:47,678
Toyota days around the corner?

403
00:18:47,712 --> 00:18:49,381
Got to go, big mission.

404
00:18:49,414 --> 00:18:51,182
Stan, no personal calls!

405
00:18:51,214 --> 00:18:54,084
Last warning if you want
to keep getting paid.

406
00:18:54,117 --> 00:18:56,053
Wait, this is all?

407
00:18:56,087 --> 00:18:57,856
Any chance I could get an advance

408
00:18:57,888 --> 00:18:59,424
on my next 10 year's salary?

409
00:18:59,456 --> 00:19:01,025
What do I look like, a bank?

410
00:19:01,059 --> 00:19:04,363
No. Not really.

411
00:19:06,798 --> 00:19:10,902
One bank, then the
widow's good for life.

412
00:19:10,935 --> 00:19:13,104
Two banks.

413
00:19:13,137 --> 00:19:15,072
My body's full of money.

414
00:19:40,263 --> 00:19:42,600
Stan? What are you doing here?

415
00:19:42,634 --> 00:19:45,203
Roger? You... you sell sperm, too?

416
00:19:45,235 --> 00:19:47,605
Sell?

417
00:19:47,638 --> 00:19:48,906
Hey, you look like me.

418
00:19:48,940 --> 00:19:50,775
This is crazy. I got to get a pic.

419
00:19:52,076 --> 00:19:53,478
Twinsies!

420
00:19:53,511 --> 00:19:57,482
God, look at me. Look
at what I've become.

421
00:19:57,514 --> 00:19:59,483
Lying has turned me

422
00:19:59,517 --> 00:20:02,253
into a horrible, grotesque monster.

423
00:20:03,588 --> 00:20:05,123
Well, you're not having any trouble

424
00:20:05,156 --> 00:20:07,157
with brutal honesty right now!

425
00:20:07,191 --> 00:20:09,294
I'm just not built to be a liar.

426
00:20:09,327 --> 00:20:11,296
No, you're built to be a jerk!

427
00:20:12,664 --> 00:20:14,333
Double my order!

428
00:20:16,934 --> 00:20:20,805
So, you didn't bring a gift, led
a fraudulent investigation,

429
00:20:20,838 --> 00:20:23,742
had me desecrate a
fellow agent's funeral,

430
00:20:23,774 --> 00:20:25,310
then sold your plasma and semen

431
00:20:25,342 --> 00:20:27,111
until you were at the brink of death?

432
00:20:27,145 --> 00:20:28,146
That's the gist.

433
00:20:29,513 --> 00:20:31,483
I think the lesson is obvious, Smith.

434
00:20:31,515 --> 00:20:32,750
It is.

435
00:20:32,783 --> 00:20:34,518
I'm a better man when I'm honest.

436
00:20:34,551 --> 00:20:37,187
Also, you never really escape a lie.

437
00:20:37,221 --> 00:20:39,357
Even if you get away with it.

438
00:20:39,389 --> 00:20:40,925
Geez!

439
00:20:40,957 --> 00:20:44,628
The lesson is to bring a
bloody gift to Evil Santa.

440
00:20:44,662 --> 00:20:48,266
A mistake I'm sure you
didn't make this year.

441
00:20:50,333 --> 00:20:52,836
Uh...

442
00:20:52,869 --> 00:20:54,171
Get it?

443
00:20:54,204 --> 00:20:56,340
This bozo's right back
where he started.

444
00:20:56,374 --> 00:20:58,510
Merry Christmas from
our family to yours!

445
00:20:58,542 --> 00:21:00,944
Wait a minute, is this
our Christmas episode?

446
00:21:00,977 --> 00:21:02,546
What month is this?