- Hello? - Hey, babe.
How's the dog-walking gig going?
Oh, great, babe.
I got Muffin here and Delores, Clancy, Gizmo,
and, of course, Cody.
Little guy.
Jeff, it's your first day,
and you remembered every dog's name?
Oh, I don't know if that's their real names.
It's just what I've been calling them.
Wow, Jeff, you're really getting good
at making up names.
Um, Jeff, I think someone might be here.
Oh, my God. I totally forgot.
It's happening!
Jeff, listen carefully.
I'm going to get taken.
He's here.
I don't think he sees...
There you are, Hayley.
Fooled again by my decoy legs.
Let's go. It's President's Day!
Thanks, boys.
The rest of the day's yours.
# Good morning, U.S.A. #
# I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day #
# The sun in the sky has a smile on his face #
# And he's shinin' a salute to the American race #
# Oh, boy, it's swell to say #
- # Good... # - # Good morning, U.S.A. #
Aah!
# Good morning, U.S.A. #
In just 5 1/2 hours,
we'll be at the historic home of our 20th president,
James Garfield.
Before you ask, James Garfield
is in no way related to Garfield the Cat.
I know. I'm as surprised as you are.
But, Dad, I was gonna go see "Step Up 6" today.
Ironically, of course.
Although I do love the dancing and the characters.
But it's so lame.
The stories are pretty awesome, too.
Well, history's full of awesome stories.
That's why every President's Day,
we visit a presidential museum.
- You've always loved it. - You make me go.
You used to put me on a leash.
Hayley, as a husband and father,
there are only a few things more important to me than family.
The first is American history, followed by God, bald eagles,
and all sports.
- Go Bazooka Sharks! - 'Zooka Sharks!
You need to know history,
especially now that you're old enough to vote for president.
Oh, my God, you're gonna choose the president!
Listen carefully, Hayley.
I'll tell you who I'm voting for so you can vote for him, too.
Don't you mean her?
Kids, you're all here for one reason.
You signed up for the school newspaper
so you wouldn't have to do a sport this semester.
I got hurt last time.
Well, you ran your fastest, and you fell down.
That would hurt anybody.
Here are your assignments. O'Brien, debate team.
Westbrook, student council. Smith, football practice.
Uh, sir, I was actually hoping to cover the cheerleaders.
I heard whoever reports on the cheerleaders gets their pick
of the bottom row of the pyramid.
It's true, Smith.
The cheerleader beat guarantees
dating a thick bottom-row beauty.
But there's no way I'm assigning a rookie
to report on the cheerleaders.
But I don't know anything about football.
Just write what you see.
So, you're a reporter now.
- Roger? - Don't call me Roger.
- Call me Deep Throat. - What are you doing?
Every reporter needs a Deep Throat, sonny.
And I know things.
I've seen things around this school.
I have a story for you that'll turn you into a legend.
I don't need a Deep Throat, Roger.
I bought the jacket, Steve. I'm doing this.
In this room, we have many
of President Garfield's favorite things,
but before you ask, we don't have any lasagna.
I made a joke like that earlier.
Look, Hayley, there's James Garfield's personal teapot.
And his cooking pot. And his chamber pot!
It's all one pot!
- Isn't that fascinating? - It's gross.
That's life in the 18-sizzles.
Now, here's a portrait of President Garfield.
I know what you're thinking. He's very handsome.
If I weren't already married, I'd let this fella court me.
But I am married. Happily so.
To a doctor lawyer.
Who's that?
That's Charles Guiteau, the psychopath
who tracked President Garfield down like a bloodhound
and assassinated him.
Guiteau was so crazy,
he kept all his toenail clippings in a jar.
Here, you can have one.
This stuff is gross and boring.
Oh, really? I want you to look me in the eye
and tell me this shoe box of dusty beard combs is boring.
No, no! No, no!
Don't you dare disrespect President Garfield
by yawning in his library.
Look what you're doing!
You're patient zero of this yawn outbreak!
Oh, God! I'm infected!
I'm going out on my own terms!
I did it. I hurt myself.
Oh, do you mind if I eat my lunch here?
My husband makes me a tuna-fish sandwich every day,
and I usually take it out to my car
since the tuna's very fragrant.
You don't have a husband.
Oh, man, look at Stephanie over there.
I am all about that bass.
Peter's so lucky.
No! Focus!
Put all this energy into your reporting.
Just write what I see.
Okay.
What do I...
W-What was that thing?!
Oh, Hayley, I can't believe you missed "Step Up 6."
It was totes on fleek, bruh!
At one point, Jenna was like,
"Shawty don't play that way," and Brittney was like,
"Youse ain't nothin' but a skim-toast honey."
Really? I'm so bummed I missed it.
Ugh, I wasted the whole day at the Garfield museum.
I got a hat.
Hayley, I know you think history is boring,
but I found someone I bet can change your mind.
James Garfield!
Greetings.
Take a load off, Garfy. I'm Klaus.
I'm a bit of a favorite around here.
So, who's this?
I am James Abram Garfield,
20th President and Commander in Chief
of the 38 United States.
Oh. Are you one of Stan's friends?
Do you really expect us to believe that's James Garfield?
Well, yes.
I took President Garfield's beard comb from the museum,
extracted DNA from one of the hairs,
then used the new C.I.A. re-genesis lab
to "Jurassic Park" him back to life.
But "Jurassic Park" wasn't real. It was a movie.
Sounds like somebody's been to Trinidad but not Tobego.
W-Why would you do this?
Because you need to learn about history.
And who's a better teacher
than someone who is living history?
How did you get the old-fashioned clothes?
Easy. I dug up his grave and put him in his funeral suit.
- What?! - I'm kidding, Hayley.
I had Garfield do it.
There were thousands of worms in me!
"At the snap, Jones busted through the tight end,
squirting into the backfield
and wrapping up the muscular quarterback from behind,
pounding him hard deep into the ground
before he could get it off.
Another tough sack."
Now, that is how you cover football practice.
I can't wait to see what you do with your next assignment.
Great work, Smith.
I just wrote what I saw.
Well, it's the most sensual piece of writing
I've ever come across.
And I've come across a lot of sensual writing.
Eh?
You forget a lot, right, that you're our principal?
Hey there. Hey, hey.
Hey!
- You want the scoop? - Not really.
You've got a big story right in front of you, Steve.
You just have to figure it out for yourself.
I'm afraid I can't say any more.
You'll hear from me when the time is right.
I was supposed to get on that bus,
but there was a lady with a chicken on there.
What is this, like, Guatemala? What the hell?
Leave your bird at home, lady.
I can't really hear what you're saying!
Ah, the United States Treasury.
There is so much history in this building.
Alexander Hamilton established the national bank here.
The song # Money, money, money, money #
# Money #
was written here.
Both events of equal importance.
- Are you taking notes, Hayley? - Yeah, no.
You see why you're here, President Garfield?
Why don't you tell her about your famous bimetal monetary system.
It was one of your great passions.
Only after women and billiards.
There's the kind of half-joke that inspired the comic strip.
Look! There's a penny press!
Good heavens! The pictures are moving!
That's a movie.
It's where tweens go to get fingered.
It's beautiful.
Yeah. Wish we could go to a movie right now.
- Well, why don't we go? - Really?
I assume it's better than listening to this muckamuck.
So, as a Mint worker, you must get chicks.
- No. - That's incredible to me.
And you tell them you're a Mint worker?
Of course.
They must be noticing your face like I am.
Let's sneak away in that terrifying horseless carriage
- we came in. - Let's do it.
There's the exit.
Dear girl, you can read?!
Sit down, you skim-toast honey.
You can't hang with the bang-bang boogies.
Oh, no, you can't, chicken head!
Nice try, chicken head!
This... is... incredible!
Oh, orange soda? Yeah.
This magical beverage is called orange soda?
Stop! Stop the devil dancing and hop-hop music!
My fellow citizens,
I present to you an innovation of magnificent import!
It is called orange soda!
Not since the invention of the telegraph
has this country encountered such ingenuity.
Is it a fruit, or is it drink?!
- It's drink! - No matter the answer,
this artificial orange
has bested the orange provided us by nature.
This concoction I hold in my hand
indicates the exact moment
where man has triumphed over God!
I hereby declare today Orange Soda Day!
Nice speech, chicken head!
That was really beautiful.
I gave a very similar speech
when water went from brown to clear.
"The students arrive with bulging purple veins,
eager for release."
"They study the supple curves of a parabola
to find where the latus rectum is."
"During practice, they touch their counterparts
lightly in the chest
with only the tip."
"The boys pump sweet jelly into the little triangle,
careful not to overfill its delicate folds.
Now the hamantaschen is ready for Passover."
"Cum laude."
Cum real laude.
Um... is detention over?
It's been an hour.
Fine, get back to class.
But no more pointing out errors in the textbooks.
You'll remember the Alambo, and you'll like it.
Shh.
As long as we don't wake up my dad,
he'll totally forget we ditched him in the morning.
Okay. I'll lie down,
but I don't foresee sleep in my future.
Feels like there's a possum dancing on my heart.
It's just your body
frantically trying to process 18 orange sodas.
Where have you two been?
- Nowhere. - Everywhere!
We saw "Step Up 6," we drank orange soda,
we rode a subterranean boxcar!
Shut up... Mr. President.
Dad, we had a good time.
I saw a Polynesian!
No! No, no, no! This is unacceptable!
The only reason I brought you to life
was to teach Hayley history, but you're useless!
Don't yell at him, Dad.
I-I don't know how to get this through your head,
but I don't care about history.
And in case you're wondering,
this is the first President's Day
I have ever enjoyed.
You know, in fact, I would rather spend any day with him
than with you.
As we used to say in the 1800s,
awkward.
Circulation is up, and the Princeton Review just named us
"Horniest school in the Greater Langley Area."
Smith, the cheerleaders are yours.
Finally!
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I've been so consumed with my duties here at the paper
that I've completely forgotten to feed the janitors.
Hey, have you seen Garfield?
Oh, your dad's friend? They went to the C.I.A.
Stan said something like
"I'm gonna turn him back into proteins."
- What?! - Yeah.
And then he said "Are you even listening to me, Francine?
I'm worried about us. I feel like we've been drifting apart."
I'm getting better at his voice, right?
The key is really listening.
Stan, what is all this about?
Why are you being such a muckamuck?
If you're not gonna teach history,
you're gonna be history.
May I at least have one final sip of orange soda?
Fine.
Aah!
I shook them in the car earlier!
That was from an hour ago.
Didn't even stop when I yelled, "Stop."
It's like when I'm trying to watch Fallon
and my wife won't stop banging me.
Garfield doesn't deserve to be killed.
God, we were just having fun.
I need to find him before my dad does.
Good luck tracking that guy down. He's clever.
He threw up a ton of orange stuff
and then slipped right out of his straight jacket.
There was someone who tracked Garfield down.
Like a bloodhound.
And I have his toenail!
Has anyone seen a man with a beard?
Whoa.
It's cool to have a beard now.
God, where could he be?
I got an orange chai latte here.
Orange.
Wait a minute, everyone shut up!
Orange.
Orange you glad I didn't say banana?
He's at the banana soda factory!
That closed years ago.
That's right.
Okay, now I need complete silence,
and I'm not kidding anymore.
You have an idea, don't you? It's okay, just say it.
- Orange soda fac... - Orange soda factory!
Shut up! I did it.
Okay, Mr. Guiteau. I know you're a presidential assassin,
and from what I read on Murderpedia,
you're probably legally insane.
I've not seen such bright lights since I came out the cervix!
But I really need you to help me find my friend...
James Garfield.
Garfield?
He must see the devil's eye!
All right, you horn dogs. Gather round.
And let's hear what the Shakespeare
of soft-core student journalism
has to say about the cheerleaders.
All right, all right, all right! Yeah!
"The cheerleading squad took their talents
to the South Lakes Invitational on Friday night.
They arrived in their warm-ups,
although they already looked pretty hot."
Clean up on aisle my stomach!
"As they peeled off their sweatpants,
the tournament happened,
and it's my understanding they came in third."
What?! That's not sexy.
This thing isn't even al dente.
I don't know what happened!
I saw one high leg kick, and I passed out!
- Boo! - Smith's a tease!
Steve.
Did you paint a shadow on your face?
I was dressed up in blackface earlier.
You're not the only one with stuff going on.
Looks like you finally figured out the story.
No, I didn't. I have no idea what's happening.
You were the story, Steve.
You used all your pent-up sexual frustration
to turn out the most elegant pornography
this school has ever seen.
But when you finally saw a little skin,
it was too much for you, and you experienced
what medical experts refer to as an "ejacu-faint."
That's when 100% of your blood is in your wiener.
You're lucky to be alive, Steve.
- And that's the real headline. - Nope.
The real headline is you're fired.
Looks like you're the second worst reporter out there
named Stephen A. Smith.
Ahh.
Garfield! I'm taking you back to the lab.
Are you off your chump, sir?
I just tapped this 20-ton cylinder of orange soda.
- My president! - Aah!
I must give you an eternal earth bath!
Hayley, what are you doing here? Let go of that man.
But, Dad, it's Charles Guiteau.
If I let him go, he'll kill Garfield.
You remembered Charles Guiteau?
I guess I did learn something about history.
I'm taking you to the lordy!
Aah!
- Aah! - Hayley, no!
# So I put my hands up #
# They're playin' my song #
# The butterflies fly away #
# I'm noddin' my head like yeah #
Baby girl! You're okay!
I think my arm is broken in sev...
I was wrong.
These President's Day trips were never about history.
They were about spending time with you,
driving all over the map.
I'm embarrassed to say this, but I care more about you
than the presidents.
So, any chance we can let Garfield live?
Why not? Besides, at the rate he's drinking orange soda,
he'll be dead in a month.
# So I put my hands up, they're playin' my song #
# The butterflies fly away #
# I'm noddin' my head like yeah #
- # Movin' my hips like yeah # - It's so fizzy!
# I put my hands up #
"Step Up 6" just came out,
and there's already a "Step Up 7."
- Isn't that great? - Do I need to know anything
from the first six to get what's happening?
Oh, you turnt it up, young swag.
You got to mupload that ish.
Well, I think I'm caught up.
Did you hear that old man talkin' 'bout bein' on fleek?
That's so last year.
Get with the times, muckamuck.