1
00:00:36,044 --> 00:00:37,443
Stan!
2
00:00:37,478 --> 00:00:40,779
You got to clean this goddamn patio!
3
00:00:40,814 --> 00:00:45,017
# A lovely day #
4
00:00:45,052 --> 00:00:47,218
Stan, I need you to
sign this permission slip
5
00:00:47,254 --> 00:00:48,987
- for a school trip.
- Well, I'm a little busy
6
00:00:49,023 --> 00:00:51,056
getting 20 years of crap off the patio.
7
00:00:51,091 --> 00:00:53,191
Is Brett Ratner's career on the patio?
8
00:00:53,226 --> 00:00:54,926
Oh-ho-ho! Burn!
9
00:00:54,962 --> 00:00:57,062
Tell you what... You
sign my permission slip,
10
00:00:57,097 --> 00:00:59,096
and I'll loan you my power washer.
11
00:00:59,132 --> 00:01:00,998
You think it's strong
enough to do the job?
12
00:01:01,034 --> 00:01:03,367
Let's just say the Statue of Liberty
13
00:01:03,402 --> 00:01:05,002
uses it to shower...
14
00:01:05,038 --> 00:01:07,171
which she doesn't do
often, 'cause she's French.
15
00:01:07,206 --> 00:01:09,206
B-B-B-B-Burn!
16
00:01:09,241 --> 00:01:10,474
You know that's paint thinner.
17
00:01:10,509 --> 00:01:13,177
Yeah, nice try. I'm not going anywhere.
18
00:01:17,248 --> 00:01:20,016
I souped it up with a little alien tech.
19
00:01:20,052 --> 00:01:22,185
By alien, I mean Detroit.
20
00:01:22,220 --> 00:01:24,253
Let's turn this country around.
21
00:01:24,289 --> 00:01:26,890
Let's make things again.
22
00:01:28,526 --> 00:01:30,526
Whoa!
23
00:01:30,562 --> 00:01:32,895
Whoa! Roger!
24
00:01:34,899 --> 00:01:37,066
- Nice, huh?
- No, shut it off!
25
00:01:40,571 --> 00:01:43,105
Damn it, Roger!
26
00:01:43,140 --> 00:01:46,175
Not used to holding a tool with
that kind of power, Stan?
27
00:01:46,210 --> 00:01:47,342
I'm kidding.
28
00:01:47,377 --> 00:01:48,743
I've seen yours while you were sleeping.
29
00:01:48,778 --> 00:01:50,078
It's great.
30
00:01:50,113 --> 00:01:51,679
- Oh...
- Oh...
31
00:01:51,715 --> 00:01:52,947
- my...
- my...
32
00:01:52,982 --> 00:01:54,348
- God.
- God.
33
00:01:54,383 --> 00:01:57,118
Jinx! Now you can't talk till
I say your name, Stan.
34
00:01:57,153 --> 00:01:58,452
Ah, damn it!
35
00:02:01,290 --> 00:02:03,657
# Good morning, U.S.A. #
36
00:02:03,693 --> 00:02:07,427
# I got a feelin' that it's
gonna be a wonderful day #
37
00:02:07,462 --> 00:02:10,697
# The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face #
38
00:02:10,733 --> 00:02:14,935
# And he's shinin' a
salute to the American race #
39
00:02:16,872 --> 00:02:20,073
# Oh, boy, it's swell to say #
40
00:02:20,109 --> 00:02:22,342
- # Good... #
- # Good morning, U.S.A. #
41
00:02:22,377 --> 00:02:23,709
Aah!
42
00:02:31,018 --> 00:02:32,651
What the hell is that?
43
00:02:32,686 --> 00:02:33,986
What's going on?!
44
00:02:34,021 --> 00:02:36,288
You burning some punk-ass fools?
45
00:02:36,323 --> 00:02:38,958
Do Hayley next. The yard!
46
00:02:40,526 --> 00:02:42,927
Stan was cleaning the
patio with my power washer,
47
00:02:42,963 --> 00:02:44,495
and it kind of got away from him.
48
00:02:44,530 --> 00:02:46,965
Because it has a Trans
Am engine strapped to it.
49
00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:48,266
You used to be stronger.
50
00:02:48,301 --> 00:02:49,968
But, look. Stan struck something.
51
00:02:50,003 --> 00:02:51,402
White, dusty oil?
52
00:02:51,437 --> 00:02:52,470
Lawn dandruff?
53
00:02:52,505 --> 00:02:54,172
A third ridiculous guess?
54
00:02:54,207 --> 00:02:57,274
I think I know what this is.
55
00:03:02,381 --> 00:03:03,713
Yep, that's salt.
56
00:03:03,749 --> 00:03:05,282
It's a salt deposit.
57
00:03:05,317 --> 00:03:06,650
Oh, my God!
58
00:03:06,685 --> 00:03:08,152
Did you guys think it was cocaine?
59
00:03:08,187 --> 00:03:10,954
Cocaine doesn't grow underground,
dumb-asses.
60
00:03:10,990 --> 00:03:13,157
You got to make that
shit, with blood and sweat.
61
00:03:13,192 --> 00:03:14,924
And a little bit of salt.
62
00:03:14,959 --> 00:03:17,293
You got to cut it with
salt to hit your margins.
63
00:03:17,328 --> 00:03:19,662
So I guess we have 1% of cocaine here.
64
00:03:19,697 --> 00:03:21,397
And a big mess to clean up.
65
00:03:21,432 --> 00:03:23,099
This isn't a mess.
66
00:03:23,134 --> 00:03:24,667
This could be our future.
67
00:03:24,702 --> 00:03:27,136
Is salt valuable?
68
00:03:27,172 --> 00:03:30,539
I don't know.
69
00:03:35,731 --> 00:03:37,197
No way.
70
00:03:37,233 --> 00:03:39,499
Wendy Williams could
totally beat up Connie Chung.
71
00:03:39,535 --> 00:03:41,268
Sure, sure, but, I
mean, no one was talking
72
00:03:41,303 --> 00:03:43,069
about either of those
people before you said that.
73
00:03:43,105 --> 00:03:45,839
I spoke to the Gordon Salt people,
74
00:03:45,874 --> 00:03:48,073
and they said we might have a
valuable resource in our yard.
75
00:03:48,109 --> 00:03:51,244
And if we do, they'd like to
pay us for the right to take it.
76
00:03:51,279 --> 00:03:52,678
You mean mine it, like minerals?
77
00:03:52,714 --> 00:03:55,248
Ha. If you want to talk
like a ground scientist.
78
00:03:55,283 --> 00:03:56,415
- A geologist?
- What?
79
00:03:56,451 --> 00:03:57,916
Wait, honey.
80
00:03:57,952 --> 00:04:01,019
You want a functioning
salt mine in our backyard?
81
00:04:01,055 --> 00:04:03,689
Well, I sure as heck don't
want a non-functioning one.
82
00:04:03,725 --> 00:04:05,657
Stan, it's our yard.
83
00:04:05,692 --> 00:04:07,024
Our sanctuary.
84
00:04:07,060 --> 00:04:08,059
Our happy place.
85
00:04:08,094 --> 00:04:09,927
We used to have treasure hunts
86
00:04:09,963 --> 00:04:12,363
where you'd write clues for
me and hide them around the yard.
87
00:04:12,366 --> 00:04:13,931
I know we're a family,
88
00:04:13,967 --> 00:04:15,500
so we usually
pretend everyone gets a vote.
89
00:04:15,535 --> 00:04:18,236
But, come on, guys. It's me.
90
00:04:18,272 --> 00:04:19,912
I'm gonna do what I want.
91
00:04:19,939 --> 00:04:22,205
And I want to see who that is.
92
00:04:23,976 --> 00:04:25,942
Mr. Smith, we're with Gordon Salt.
93
00:04:25,978 --> 00:04:27,678
Wow. You got here quick.
94
00:04:27,713 --> 00:04:32,115
There was a police chase on
95, so we just drafted off that.
95
00:04:39,123 --> 00:04:40,723
Good news, Mr. Smith...
96
00:04:40,759 --> 00:04:43,726
A big shaft here would tap into
a significant vein of salt.
97
00:04:43,762 --> 00:04:45,161
Hear that?
98
00:04:45,196 --> 00:04:47,330
I'm gonna have a big veiny shaft.
99
00:04:47,365 --> 00:04:49,666
Are they salt executives or genies?
100
00:04:49,701 --> 00:04:51,467
Oh!
101
00:04:51,503 --> 00:04:53,670
Did I miss a burn?
102
00:04:53,705 --> 00:04:55,237
Please, excuse my family.
103
00:04:55,273 --> 00:04:56,571
They have some concerns
104
00:04:56,607 --> 00:04:58,407
about what exactly is
going to happen here.
105
00:04:58,442 --> 00:05:01,276
Let me put you folks at ease.
106
00:05:01,312 --> 00:05:04,245
Mr. Smith here will sign his
mineral rights over to us,
107
00:05:04,281 --> 00:05:06,214
and we'll give him a big check.
108
00:05:06,249 --> 00:05:08,350
Then we'll tear up your
yard, take all the salt out,
109
00:05:08,385 --> 00:05:10,185
and fill in the hole when we're done...
110
00:05:10,220 --> 00:05:11,252
if there's time...
111
00:05:11,288 --> 00:05:12,886
which there won't be.
112
00:05:12,922 --> 00:05:15,589
As long as there's time
to write that big check.
113
00:05:15,625 --> 00:05:17,391
Mom, why are you switching sides?
114
00:05:17,427 --> 00:05:20,928
Because now there's a side
that has a big check on it.
115
00:05:20,963 --> 00:05:24,665
And just to be clear, you
mean a physically huge check?
116
00:05:24,701 --> 00:05:26,967
I've always wanted to hold one of those.
117
00:05:27,002 --> 00:05:29,236
Feel like I won a golf tournament
118
00:05:29,271 --> 00:05:32,305
or I'm a landlord and
one of my tenants is a giant.
119
00:05:32,341 --> 00:05:34,407
If you're looking to
buy our mineral rights,
120
00:05:34,443 --> 00:05:39,145
you best be talking to
me... Steve, the legal owner.
121
00:05:39,180 --> 00:05:41,914
I also have big news.
122
00:05:41,950 --> 00:05:44,684
One of these guys stepped
in dog turd on the way in.
123
00:05:44,720 --> 00:05:48,220
There's size-9 poo
spots all over the house.
124
00:05:52,854 --> 00:05:55,740
Here's where I keep all
my important documents...
125
00:05:55,776 --> 00:05:57,476
Big Wheel warranty,
126
00:05:57,511 --> 00:06:01,145
construction schematics for
my Lego Millennium Falcon,
127
00:06:01,181 --> 00:06:03,280
Barry's do-not-resuscitate order.
128
00:06:03,315 --> 00:06:05,282
Ah! This!
129
00:06:05,317 --> 00:06:08,285
Um, can you get your
shoes off my duvet, please?
130
00:06:09,489 --> 00:06:12,289
This is a contract, signed
eight years ago,
131
00:06:12,324 --> 00:06:15,593
transferring all mineral
rights on our property from Dad to me.
132
00:06:15,628 --> 00:06:17,294
How is that possible?
133
00:06:17,329 --> 00:06:19,295
Oh. I can explain.
134
00:06:19,330 --> 00:06:21,464
Uh-Uh! You think I
brought you to my room
135
00:06:21,500 --> 00:06:23,399
so you could do the talking?
136
00:06:23,434 --> 00:06:25,969
"Your scavenger hunt has come to an end.
137
00:06:26,004 --> 00:06:28,505
Your very last clue is on
the ladder, my schmend."
138
00:06:28,540 --> 00:06:30,106
"Schmend"?
139
00:06:30,141 --> 00:06:32,308
Wouldn't "friend" have
been the perfect rhyme?
140
00:06:32,343 --> 00:06:34,677
You have a lot to
learn about schmendship.
141
00:06:36,547 --> 00:06:39,314
Ooh! Treasure!
142
00:06:39,349 --> 00:06:40,749
No, Steve, those aren't the treasure.
143
00:06:40,784 --> 00:06:42,350
They're just the clue holder-downers.
144
00:06:42,386 --> 00:06:43,519
But they're so shiny.
145
00:06:43,554 --> 00:06:44,987
So is Hayley's forehead,
146
00:06:45,022 --> 00:06:46,542
but you wouldn't call that a treasure.
147
00:06:50,327 --> 00:06:51,693
Oh.
148
00:06:51,729 --> 00:06:54,128
"Down the slide and in the ground,
149
00:06:54,163 --> 00:06:56,797
your special
treasure you'll have found."
150
00:06:58,401 --> 00:06:59,400
Ha ha!
151
00:07:02,005 --> 00:07:03,504
Treasure!
152
00:07:03,540 --> 00:07:04,739
No, that's just more rocks.
153
00:07:04,774 --> 00:07:05,940
Oh, for God's sake.
154
00:07:05,975 --> 00:07:07,274
That's the treasure.
155
00:07:09,978 --> 00:07:12,278
Baseball cards.
156
00:07:12,313 --> 00:07:13,780
Thanks, Dad.
157
00:07:13,815 --> 00:07:15,348
Well, open 'em. Let's see who you got.
158
00:07:17,553 --> 00:07:19,519
Must be some kind of mistake.
159
00:07:19,555 --> 00:07:20,921
They're all the same card.
160
00:07:20,956 --> 00:07:22,188
No variety.
161
00:07:22,223 --> 00:07:24,357
Not like the rocks.
162
00:07:24,392 --> 00:07:26,992
Oh, my God!
163
00:07:27,028 --> 00:07:29,528
They're all Ken Griffey
Jr. Rookie cards.
164
00:07:29,564 --> 00:07:31,196
They must be worth a fortune.
165
00:07:31,231 --> 00:07:34,132
Francine, what have
you always wanted to buy?
166
00:07:34,168 --> 00:07:36,368
We keep putting
off that procedure on my hip.
167
00:07:36,403 --> 00:07:38,537
Right! A fan boat!
168
00:07:38,573 --> 00:07:40,005
- Mwah!
- Um, Dad?
169
00:07:40,041 --> 00:07:41,540
Isn't that my treasure?
170
00:07:41,576 --> 00:07:43,375
Technically, yes.
171
00:07:43,410 --> 00:07:46,510
But wouldn't you rather have
all the rocks in the whole yard?
172
00:07:46,546 --> 00:07:48,012
That would be awesome!
173
00:07:48,048 --> 00:07:49,647
But how would I get them all out?
174
00:07:49,683 --> 00:07:52,016
You don't have to.
175
00:07:52,052 --> 00:07:55,152
You see, Steve, owning
land can be different
176
00:07:55,188 --> 00:07:58,056
than owning the
minerals inside that land.
177
00:07:58,091 --> 00:08:00,224
So now you have the mineral rights.
178
00:08:00,259 --> 00:08:02,392
And all I have are these
pieces of cardboard.
179
00:08:02,427 --> 00:08:04,527
Sucker!
180
00:08:04,563 --> 00:08:06,396
Okay, you're making me look bad, Steve.
181
00:08:06,431 --> 00:08:07,998
'Cause after you called me a sucker,
182
00:08:08,033 --> 00:08:09,566
I definitely threw you in the pool,
183
00:08:09,602 --> 00:08:10,762
'cause I don't take that shit.
184
00:08:10,769 --> 00:08:12,335
Nor should you.
185
00:08:12,370 --> 00:08:14,237
But we're really more concerned
with the contract.
186
00:08:14,272 --> 00:08:16,372
Please. That can't possibly
be legally binding.
187
00:08:16,408 --> 00:08:18,474
I thought you might say that...
188
00:08:18,509 --> 00:08:20,576
which is why I went down
to city hall this morning
189
00:08:20,612 --> 00:08:22,244
and got it stamped.
190
00:08:22,279 --> 00:08:24,647
Hmm. Yep, it's official.
191
00:08:24,682 --> 00:08:29,451
And if anyone knows what's "official,"
it's a fish, y'all!
192
00:08:35,892 --> 00:08:38,693
Look, we're here on
business, and you, young man,
193
00:08:38,729 --> 00:08:41,262
are the person we should
be doing business with.
194
00:08:41,297 --> 00:08:44,032
So there's still a big check.
195
00:08:44,067 --> 00:08:45,466
It's just for Steve...
196
00:08:45,502 --> 00:08:47,802
my favorite boy.
197
00:08:47,838 --> 00:08:49,270
Our favorite boy.
198
00:08:49,305 --> 00:08:50,772
Put 'Er there, son.
199
00:08:50,807 --> 00:08:52,606
- Psych!
- Whoo!
200
00:08:52,642 --> 00:08:54,775
No deal, mister.
201
00:08:54,810 --> 00:08:57,210
Eight years ago, my
dad tried to rip me off.
202
00:08:57,246 --> 00:08:59,246
Well, now I'm the one who's
gonna do the ripping...
203
00:08:59,248 --> 00:09:00,447
and the tearing.
204
00:09:00,482 --> 00:09:01,715
The ripping and the tearing,
205
00:09:01,751 --> 00:09:04,918
right through his plan
to destroy our backyard.
206
00:09:04,954 --> 00:09:07,254
- My backyard.
- My minerals.
207
00:09:07,289 --> 00:09:09,856
- Listen, Jeremy, is it?
- Steve.
208
00:09:09,891 --> 00:09:12,692
I respect the sexual
frustration behind your decision.
209
00:09:12,727 --> 00:09:14,527
What?! No, no. That's not why I...
210
00:09:14,562 --> 00:09:15,602
You're obviously a virgin.
211
00:09:15,630 --> 00:09:17,096
That has nothing to do with...
212
00:09:17,132 --> 00:09:18,464
But here's the thing, Jer-bear...
213
00:09:18,499 --> 00:09:22,501
Gordon always gets its salt.
214
00:09:30,744 --> 00:09:32,644
He's the virgin.
215
00:09:32,680 --> 00:09:34,046
Not even close!
216
00:09:34,081 --> 00:09:35,814
I've had sex with lots of girls.
217
00:09:35,849 --> 00:09:37,482
Name one.
218
00:09:44,123 --> 00:09:46,356
- Hi.
- Hey.
219
00:09:46,392 --> 00:09:48,659
- What's that?
- It's a Lego Millennium Falcon...
220
00:09:48,695 --> 00:09:51,528
minus a floor panel, which I'm
221
00:09:51,564 --> 00:09:53,698
praying fell behind my trundle bed.
222
00:09:53,733 --> 00:09:55,833
'Cause without it, Han
and Chewie are screwed
223
00:09:55,868 --> 00:09:57,534
when they need to
hide from Imperial troops.
224
00:09:57,570 --> 00:09:58,703
They'd just be sitting
225
00:09:58,738 --> 00:10:01,504
in a wide-open smuggler's
hatch like idiots.
226
00:10:01,539 --> 00:10:04,674
- You're fun and interesting.
- I am?!
227
00:10:04,710 --> 00:10:05,842
Want to go out some time?
228
00:10:05,877 --> 00:10:07,177
Um, sure!
229
00:10:07,212 --> 00:10:08,644
I'm Steve. What's your name?
230
00:10:08,680 --> 00:10:09,846
Whatever you want it to be.
231
00:10:09,881 --> 00:10:11,681
Franci... Hold on.
232
00:10:11,717 --> 00:10:13,717
This is all going too easily.
233
00:10:13,752 --> 00:10:16,019
Wait. You look familiar.
234
00:10:16,054 --> 00:10:20,022
Yellow raincoat, box of
salt leaking on your shoes...
235
00:10:20,057 --> 00:10:21,724
blue umbrella!
236
00:10:21,759 --> 00:10:23,325
You're the Gordon Salt Girl!
237
00:10:23,360 --> 00:10:24,693
And she can be yours.
238
00:10:24,729 --> 00:10:27,196
All you have to do is sign
over the mineral rights.
239
00:10:27,231 --> 00:10:29,198
I already told you... No.
240
00:10:29,233 --> 00:10:33,435
Seriously. She'll do
anything you want, or...
241
00:10:33,470 --> 00:10:35,603
I'll do anything you want?
242
00:10:35,638 --> 00:10:37,171
Stop.
243
00:10:37,207 --> 00:10:39,240
You two may be dead inside, but I'm not.
244
00:10:39,275 --> 00:10:41,575
I'm alive... with family memories
245
00:10:41,611 --> 00:10:44,545
of barbecues and trying sports
246
00:10:44,580 --> 00:10:46,848
and sweet, lazy Sunday afternoons.
247
00:10:46,883 --> 00:10:48,382
Mr. Smith!
248
00:10:48,417 --> 00:10:49,650
Sorry. It's just these people are...
249
00:10:49,685 --> 00:10:52,585
Are you playing with Legos in my class?
250
00:10:52,621 --> 00:10:54,821
I'm doing a build, if
that's what you're asking.
251
00:10:54,857 --> 00:10:56,223
It's distracting.
252
00:10:56,258 --> 00:10:58,725
So are the two adult
strangers in your class.
253
00:10:58,761 --> 00:11:00,160
Nice try, Steve.
254
00:11:00,195 --> 00:11:02,262
But us adults stick together.
255
00:11:06,601 --> 00:11:08,533
Long day.
256
00:11:08,569 --> 00:11:09,601
Yeah.
257
00:11:09,637 --> 00:11:11,436
The Gordon people were all over...
258
00:11:11,472 --> 00:11:12,905
No, I mean I had a long day.
259
00:11:12,940 --> 00:11:14,673
I got hurt on our field trip.
260
00:11:14,708 --> 00:11:16,742
We went to Mount
Vernon, so as you'd expect,
261
00:11:16,778 --> 00:11:19,544
I got my arm busted by
a bunch of Hells Angels.
262
00:11:19,580 --> 00:11:21,446
- Sign my cast?
- Sure.
263
00:11:21,482 --> 00:11:22,815
No, no. Not there, not there.
264
00:11:22,850 --> 00:11:24,449
Right there.
265
00:11:24,485 --> 00:11:26,384
Got to leave room for Zachary and Ella.
266
00:11:26,419 --> 00:11:27,986
I'm gonna have them
sign next to each other,
267
00:11:28,021 --> 00:11:29,654
'cause then when I break them up,
268
00:11:29,689 --> 00:11:31,455
Ella's gonna cry every
time she sees my cast,
269
00:11:31,491 --> 00:11:33,258
and I'm gonna love it,
270
00:11:33,293 --> 00:11:35,760
'cause she was such a bitch to
me at the lockers last week.
271
00:11:35,796 --> 00:11:39,264
- I know this is all made up.
- Some of it.
272
00:11:39,299 --> 00:11:41,299
Roger, leave Steve alone.
273
00:11:41,334 --> 00:11:44,902
Thanks, Mom, but I already
have a chocolate milk martini.
274
00:11:44,937 --> 00:11:46,804
This is a real martini.
275
00:11:46,839 --> 00:11:48,638
It's okay. You're a man now.
276
00:11:48,674 --> 00:11:50,073
A man with mineral rights.
277
00:11:50,109 --> 00:11:51,408
Get drunk!
278
00:11:51,443 --> 00:11:53,110
Then decide what to do with them.
279
00:11:53,145 --> 00:11:54,711
I can't believe it!
280
00:11:54,746 --> 00:11:56,546
You want me to sell
out to the salt people!
281
00:11:56,581 --> 00:11:59,215
No! I want you to get drunk.
282
00:11:59,250 --> 00:12:01,617
I believe that once you get drunk,
283
00:12:01,652 --> 00:12:03,052
you'll sell out to the salt people.
284
00:12:03,087 --> 00:12:05,387
But what about our family memories?
285
00:12:05,423 --> 00:12:08,724
We'll buy new
memories... with all that salt money.
286
00:12:08,759 --> 00:12:12,295
And we don't have to share
it with your dad.
287
00:12:12,330 --> 00:12:15,731
In fact, we can give
him this poison martini.
288
00:12:15,766 --> 00:12:17,065
Piss off, Francine.
289
00:12:17,100 --> 00:12:18,800
I've got too much to live for,
290
00:12:18,836 --> 00:12:21,669
knowing I still have my Ken
Griffey Jr. rookie cards.
291
00:12:21,705 --> 00:12:23,004
Um, actually, you don't.
292
00:12:23,040 --> 00:12:25,073
I put them in the
spokes of my bike last year.
293
00:12:25,108 --> 00:12:26,808
But they were locked away in my safe.
294
00:12:26,844 --> 00:12:28,877
Stan, honey, I hate
to break this to you,
295
00:12:28,912 --> 00:12:30,478
but I am your safe.
296
00:12:30,513 --> 00:12:31,947
- It's one of my personas.
- What?!
297
00:12:31,982 --> 00:12:34,014
I'm also the downstairs toilet.
298
00:12:34,050 --> 00:12:35,449
My cards!
299
00:12:35,484 --> 00:12:36,783
Made me feel boss
300
00:12:36,819 --> 00:12:38,953
when I was riding
down the street, flossin'!
301
00:12:38,988 --> 00:12:40,054
You ruined them.
302
00:12:40,089 --> 00:12:42,223
Those were my cards! Mine!
303
00:12:42,258 --> 00:12:44,658
I hate this place!
304
00:12:50,332 --> 00:12:53,566
So, we've had some difficulty
getting your son to play ball.
305
00:12:53,601 --> 00:12:55,368
That's because he
can't play ball very well,
306
00:12:55,403 --> 00:12:56,836
so he gets self-conscious about it.
307
00:12:56,872 --> 00:12:59,038
You just need to start playing
like it's no big deal,
308
00:12:59,074 --> 00:13:00,340
and eventually, he'll join in.
309
00:13:00,375 --> 00:13:01,607
Charles.
310
00:13:03,245 --> 00:13:04,710
You're a big meanie.
311
00:13:04,746 --> 00:13:07,479
My God, are you the man of
your house, or aren't you?
312
00:13:07,514 --> 00:13:10,048
Because a man wouldn't
let a boy's contract
313
00:13:10,084 --> 00:13:11,783
stop him from making this deal.
314
00:13:11,818 --> 00:13:13,118
But it's signed.
315
00:13:13,153 --> 00:13:14,519
And stamped.
316
00:13:14,554 --> 00:13:16,821
- You heard the fish.
- Oh.
317
00:13:16,857 --> 00:13:20,259
I didn't want to come
to this. I really didn't.
318
00:13:22,329 --> 00:13:25,963
What the hell is that?!
319
00:13:25,999 --> 00:13:28,866
This, Mr. Smith, is the
original Gordon Salt Girl,
320
00:13:28,902 --> 00:13:30,534
preserved by salt...
321
00:13:30,569 --> 00:13:33,570
and angered by delays.
322
00:13:34,774 --> 00:13:41,111
Get me that salt!
323
00:13:45,317 --> 00:13:47,217
What are you doing?!
324
00:13:48,420 --> 00:13:51,821
I believe the legal term is take-backs.
325
00:13:55,260 --> 00:13:58,394
Destroying a young
boy's signed contract...
326
00:13:58,429 --> 00:13:59,929
truly low, sir.
327
00:13:59,964 --> 00:14:02,664
And exactly the kind of
thing I knew you'd do...
328
00:14:02,699 --> 00:14:04,033
which is why...
329
00:14:04,068 --> 00:14:08,703
I moved the real contract
to Snot's for safekeeping.
330
00:14:08,739 --> 00:14:10,105
Well played, son.
331
00:14:10,141 --> 00:14:12,908
You anticipated my
move and had the foresight
332
00:14:12,944 --> 00:14:15,910
to stash the contract at
a secure off-site location.
333
00:14:15,946 --> 00:14:18,579
Which begs the question,
why did you bring it home?
334
00:14:18,614 --> 00:14:20,081
Well, I went to check on it,
335
00:14:20,116 --> 00:14:21,916
and contrary to what I'd been assured,
336
00:14:21,952 --> 00:14:24,752
Snot did not have a proper file cabinet.
337
00:14:24,787 --> 00:14:26,287
Where was it? Like, on
his desk or something?
338
00:14:26,323 --> 00:14:28,289
Yeah, with... Other
crap all over the place.
339
00:14:28,325 --> 00:14:30,024
Yes. And it's not like something
340
00:14:30,060 --> 00:14:31,859
was for sure going to happen to it.
341
00:14:31,894 --> 00:14:33,427
- It's just...
- There's a right way to do things.
342
00:14:33,462 --> 00:14:34,928
- Exactly.
- Totally get it.
343
00:14:38,233 --> 00:14:39,866
Hey, Steve, did you know
344
00:14:39,901 --> 00:14:42,002
there's a Lego
piece behind your dresser?
345
00:14:42,037 --> 00:14:43,803
Looks like the door to
a smuggler's hatch.
346
00:14:43,839 --> 00:14:45,638
All right, Dad!
347
00:14:45,674 --> 00:14:48,875
As soon as this salt war is over,
I'll thank you properly!
348
00:14:57,900 --> 00:14:59,732
Dad's trying to destroy the contract
349
00:14:59,768 --> 00:15:01,234
so he can sell out to Gordon.
350
00:15:01,270 --> 00:15:02,969
- Uh-huh.
- You got to help me.
351
00:15:03,005 --> 00:15:04,837
- Do I?
- Of course you do.
352
00:15:04,873 --> 00:15:07,007
You don't want a salt mine in our yard.
353
00:15:07,042 --> 00:15:09,442
What about our
memories and the environment?
354
00:15:09,477 --> 00:15:11,811
Hmm. I do love those things.
355
00:15:11,846 --> 00:15:15,214
I also love the idea that if there's
a salt mine in the yard,
356
00:15:15,249 --> 00:15:17,125
I can protest it without
getting out of bed.
357
00:15:17,150 --> 00:15:18,650
Hayley, no!
358
00:15:18,685 --> 00:15:21,320
Basically, this is the
lazy protester's dream.
359
00:15:21,355 --> 00:15:24,523
So, why don't you
just give me the contract?
360
00:15:30,164 --> 00:15:32,496
Ugh. Are you gonna
make me get out of bed?
361
00:15:44,344 --> 00:15:45,709
Aah!
362
00:15:45,745 --> 00:15:47,912
Mama? Wh... What's with the nails?
363
00:15:47,947 --> 00:15:49,346
They're white...
364
00:15:49,381 --> 00:15:51,081
like salt, Steve.
365
00:15:51,116 --> 00:15:54,084
I came up with it when I realized salt
366
00:15:54,119 --> 00:15:56,954
is the only white thing in the world!
367
00:15:56,989 --> 00:15:58,956
Mom, that's not even close to true.
368
00:15:58,991 --> 00:16:01,591
Let's you and me make it true!
369
00:16:01,626 --> 00:16:04,027
Nowhere to run, son.
370
00:16:04,063 --> 00:16:05,627
Or walk.
371
00:16:05,663 --> 00:16:08,364
I think we can all do
this with just walking.
372
00:16:11,235 --> 00:16:12,969
- Come on, Steve.
- Let's go, Steve.
373
00:16:13,004 --> 00:16:14,036
Give it up, Steve.
374
00:16:14,072 --> 00:16:16,072
What am I doing?
375
00:16:16,107 --> 00:16:18,507
Why am I fighting for
our family memories
376
00:16:18,542 --> 00:16:20,509
if my family won't fight with me?
377
00:16:20,544 --> 00:16:23,111
I'm with you, Steve!
378
00:16:23,146 --> 00:16:24,879
I'm totally alone in this.
379
00:16:28,051 --> 00:16:30,285
You know what? You guys win.
380
00:16:30,320 --> 00:16:34,089
If our memories are
meaningless, then so is this piece of paper.
381
00:16:34,124 --> 00:16:35,790
I renounce it.
382
00:16:39,428 --> 00:16:41,928
"Down the slide and in the ground,
383
00:16:41,964 --> 00:16:44,965
your special
treasure you'll have found."
384
00:16:45,001 --> 00:16:46,800
I remember that slide.
385
00:16:46,835 --> 00:16:48,469
When I climbed to the top of it,
386
00:16:48,504 --> 00:16:50,804
it felt like I was
climbing into the sky.
387
00:16:50,839 --> 00:16:53,140
You had a big scary
slide like this, too?
388
00:16:53,175 --> 00:16:56,009
Not your slide, Steve. My slide.
389
00:16:56,044 --> 00:16:59,178
My dad wrote these clues
for me when I was a kid.
390
00:16:59,214 --> 00:17:02,015
He'd hide them all over the
yard, and I'd look for them.
391
00:17:02,050 --> 00:17:04,917
And when I was done, I'd
wake him up, if I could find him.
392
00:17:04,952 --> 00:17:07,387
Wait, you just recycled your dad's game?
393
00:17:07,422 --> 00:17:09,788
I haven't thought about that in years.
394
00:17:09,824 --> 00:17:12,258
- What a great memory.
- Not for me.
395
00:17:12,293 --> 00:17:14,959
It means all my treasure
hunts were just hand-me-downs.
396
00:17:14,995 --> 00:17:16,461
From my awesome father.
397
00:17:16,497 --> 00:17:18,397
What?! He abandoned you!
398
00:17:18,432 --> 00:17:19,898
That man's a sociopath!
399
00:17:19,933 --> 00:17:21,900
Quiet, Steve. I'm getting an idea.
400
00:17:21,935 --> 00:17:23,101
Is it that family memories
401
00:17:23,137 --> 00:17:24,736
are precious and should be protected?
402
00:17:24,771 --> 00:17:26,038
Uh, duh!
403
00:17:26,073 --> 00:17:27,605
But, also... try to follow me...
404
00:17:27,641 --> 00:17:30,841
maybe we shouldn't let the
Gordon people mine our yard.
405
00:17:30,876 --> 00:17:32,510
I've been saying that for a week!
406
00:17:32,545 --> 00:17:35,012
Hope on the bandwagon,
Steve. There's plenty of room.
407
00:17:35,048 --> 00:17:36,347
Now, I'm gonna call them and...
408
00:17:40,286 --> 00:17:42,786
Wait! We've changed our minds!
409
00:17:42,821 --> 00:17:44,355
This isn't just a patch of dirt.
410
00:17:44,390 --> 00:17:46,257
It's a canvas on which we've painted
411
00:17:46,292 --> 00:17:48,658
some of the most
wonderful moments of our lives.
412
00:17:48,693 --> 00:17:50,326
That's beautiful, Mr. Smith.
413
00:17:50,362 --> 00:17:52,995
I believe that I could
never buy the mineral rights
414
00:17:53,031 --> 00:17:54,997
from you or your son.
415
00:17:55,033 --> 00:17:55,998
Great.
416
00:17:56,034 --> 00:17:57,167
So...
417
00:17:57,202 --> 00:17:58,468
about my fence?
418
00:17:58,503 --> 00:18:01,837
Which is why I bought
them from their actual owner.
419
00:18:01,873 --> 00:18:04,106
Actual owner?! Whoa!
420
00:18:04,141 --> 00:18:06,975
Who will it be, "American Dad!" fans?
421
00:18:07,010 --> 00:18:09,144
Steve's teacher? Ken Griffey Jr.?
422
00:18:09,180 --> 00:18:10,660
The Gordon exec who hasn't spoken yet?
423
00:18:10,681 --> 00:18:12,147
Is it Snot, Barry, or Toshi,
424
00:18:12,183 --> 00:18:14,015
who've all been conspicuously absent?
425
00:18:14,051 --> 00:18:15,584
Is it me, the announcer?!
426
00:18:15,619 --> 00:18:17,352
Oh, I look like Dracula, by the way.
427
00:18:17,388 --> 00:18:18,987
Is it Principal Lewis?
428
00:18:19,022 --> 00:18:21,022
Is it Francine's sexy sister, Gwen?
429
00:18:21,058 --> 00:18:23,991
Is it Diane from an
upcoming episode about slot cars?
430
00:18:24,026 --> 00:18:26,660
Suckboy Tony? James
Garfield? Robert Wuhl?
431
00:18:26,696 --> 00:18:29,464
Tuttle, Buckle, Jackson,
Duper, Hooper, Dick, or Bullock?
432
00:18:29,499 --> 00:18:32,200
Styles, Billy, Jack,
Meredith, Tom from the grocery store?
433
00:18:32,235 --> 00:18:35,470
That sweet little boy from
"The Cleveland Show," Rallo?
434
00:18:35,505 --> 00:18:36,704
It's me!
435
00:18:36,739 --> 00:18:38,405
You're probably realizing now, Stan,
436
00:18:38,440 --> 00:18:41,408
that permission slip you signed
was a mineral-rights lease.
437
00:18:41,443 --> 00:18:43,876
But when it turned out Steve
was the real owner,
438
00:18:43,912 --> 00:18:47,280
I broke my arm and plastered
another lease around my cast.
439
00:18:47,316 --> 00:18:50,117
Sorry, kid, but you were
throwing away one hell of a score.
440
00:18:50,152 --> 00:18:51,751
All right, people! Let's dig!
441
00:18:56,390 --> 00:18:59,125
What? What?! There's no vein?!
442
00:18:59,160 --> 00:19:02,060
We paid all that
money for just one scoop?!
443
00:19:02,096 --> 00:19:03,462
Sir, there's been a report
444
00:19:03,498 --> 00:19:05,030
of a gusher in Madison, Wisconsin.
445
00:19:05,065 --> 00:19:06,398
Great. That's where I'm from.
446
00:19:06,434 --> 00:19:07,699
We can stay with my mom.
447
00:19:07,735 --> 00:19:10,136
She's got a bumper pool table.
448
00:19:14,207 --> 00:19:18,876
And that, my friends, is
what we call the long con.
449
00:19:18,911 --> 00:19:20,245
What are you talking about?
450
00:19:20,280 --> 00:19:21,879
I planted that salt.
451
00:19:21,914 --> 00:19:24,115
I set up this whole thing.
452
00:19:24,151 --> 00:19:25,617
It was a sting, baby.
453
00:19:25,652 --> 00:19:28,520
Oh, I've wanted to
screw Gordon Salt for years.
454
00:19:28,555 --> 00:19:30,053
What on earth for?
455
00:19:30,088 --> 00:19:32,122
Well, you know how my
Rabbi Itzhak character
456
00:19:32,158 --> 00:19:33,690
likes to keep kosher?
457
00:19:33,725 --> 00:19:37,461
A few years ago, the rebbe conducted
a surprise inspection
458
00:19:37,496 --> 00:19:39,596
of a Gordon facility in Arizona
459
00:19:39,632 --> 00:19:43,600
to confirm that their so-called
kosher salt was, indeed, kosher.
460
00:19:43,636 --> 00:19:46,802
I'm not embarrassed to
say I wept and cried for mercy
461
00:19:46,837 --> 00:19:49,338
as I was soundly beaten by the
girl behind the front desk.
462
00:19:49,374 --> 00:19:51,240
But I vowed revenge.
463
00:19:51,276 --> 00:19:54,410
So I bought a 40-pound bag of
salt and buried it in the yard,
464
00:19:54,445 --> 00:19:56,812
bought the power washer
and slapped a Hemi on it,
465
00:19:56,847 --> 00:19:59,582
and I waited for 3 1/2 years
466
00:19:59,617 --> 00:20:01,784
for Stan to finally clean the patio.
467
00:20:01,819 --> 00:20:03,518
The rest was a breeze.
468
00:20:03,554 --> 00:20:05,820
Why didn't you just
let us in on the con?
469
00:20:05,855 --> 00:20:07,789
I mean, you saw how it
was tearing us apart.
470
00:20:07,824 --> 00:20:10,358
I couldn't trust you to be
cool when the stakes were so high.
471
00:20:10,394 --> 00:20:11,693
How much did you make?
472
00:20:11,728 --> 00:20:14,462
Let's see. After my salt
purchase, backhoe rental,
473
00:20:14,498 --> 00:20:16,198
power washer, reconditioned V-8 engine,
474
00:20:16,233 --> 00:20:18,166
hospital bills, notary
for the mineral lease,
475
00:20:18,202 --> 00:20:21,868
plus the staff retreat in Park
City, I cleared 40 bucks.
476
00:20:21,904 --> 00:20:23,404
That's nothing.
477
00:20:23,439 --> 00:20:26,073
No. That's enough for a bag of charcoal.
478
00:20:33,115 --> 00:20:36,483
I am going to remember this
day for a long time, honey.
479
00:20:36,519 --> 00:20:38,351
Me too. It's perfect.
480
00:20:38,386 --> 00:20:40,486
Almost. It could use a little more...
481
00:20:40,522 --> 00:20:41,821
salt.
482
00:20:45,126 --> 00:20:46,259
That's pretty good, Roger.
483
00:20:46,294 --> 00:20:48,728
Why don't you toss me those tongs?
484
00:20:55,336 --> 00:20:56,635
It's pepper.
485
00:20:58,439 --> 00:21:00,639
Nope, it's sewage.
486
00:21:00,674 --> 00:21:02,374
It's Steve's.