1
00:00:04,577 --> 00:00:06,658
Roger, are those pumps?

2
00:00:06,659 --> 00:00:08,125
Most def.

3
00:00:08,126 --> 00:00:09,789
Headed down to the park
to play some ball.

4
00:00:11,596 --> 00:00:12,997
Four pumps?!

5
00:00:12,998 --> 00:00:16,233
Oh, your foot must be
floating right now!

6
00:00:17,902 --> 00:00:19,270
Five pumps?

7
00:00:19,271 --> 00:00:21,705
Is your other foot still at no pumps?

8
00:00:21,706 --> 00:00:22,873
You're gonna die!

9
00:00:22,874 --> 00:00:24,275
Roger, can I come play with you?

10
00:00:24,276 --> 00:00:25,659
I'm trying to get some practice in

11
00:00:25,660 --> 00:00:26,944
for the big two-on-two tourney.

12
00:00:26,945 --> 00:00:28,479
Ha! You're playing

13
00:00:28,480 --> 00:00:31,348
in the Uptown Throw-Down
to Dunk Away Malaria?

14
00:00:31,349 --> 00:00:32,850
Um, 50 bucks on malaria.

15
00:00:32,851 --> 00:00:34,150
Come on, I'm good!

16
00:00:34,151 --> 00:00:35,734
I play at the rec center every Tuesday.

17
00:00:35,735 --> 00:00:37,454
With those old guys?

18
00:00:37,455 --> 00:00:40,223
Stan, you're what real ballers
refer to as an "old head."

19
00:00:40,224 --> 00:00:42,726
You could never run with
a young blood like me.

20
00:00:42,727 --> 00:00:43,827
I could keep up.

21
00:00:43,828 --> 00:00:44,960
Aah!

22
00:00:48,399 --> 00:00:50,166
Check you later, old head.

23
00:00:50,167 --> 00:00:52,235
You don't have to be like that.

24
00:00:52,236 --> 00:00:53,903
I know how that trick works.

25
00:00:53,904 --> 00:00:55,838
It's not the same ball.

26
00:01:01,044 --> 00:01:02,612
- Oh!
- Oh! - Oh!

27
00:01:02,613 --> 00:01:04,179
Nice feed, Applesauce!

28
00:01:04,180 --> 00:01:06,948
I got you all day, Rip!

29
00:01:09,486 --> 00:01:11,487
Crisscross applesauce!

30
00:01:11,488 --> 00:01:13,455
Wha?! How did he...

31
00:01:13,456 --> 00:01:16,392
That's his signature move...
Crisscross applesauce.

32
00:01:16,393 --> 00:01:18,894
That's why he rules
the playground, fool.

33
00:01:18,895 --> 00:01:21,130
Crisscross applesauce!

34
00:01:21,131 --> 00:01:24,132
Crisscross applesauce!

35
00:01:25,135 --> 00:01:26,235
Crisscross apple...

36
00:01:28,071 --> 00:01:29,738
Oh, my ankle!

37
00:01:29,739 --> 00:01:33,742
Ooh, sweet Baby Jesus! Not Applesauce!

38
00:01:33,743 --> 00:01:36,578
Noooooooooo!

39
00:01:36,579 --> 00:01:37,913
Get up, Applesauce!

40
00:01:37,914 --> 00:01:40,347
You gotta get up!

41
00:01:43,052 --> 00:01:45,554
# Good morning, U.S.A. #

42
00:01:45,555 --> 00:01:49,390
# I got a feelin' that it's
gonna be a wonderful day #

43
00:01:49,391 --> 00:01:52,626
# The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face #

44
00:01:52,627 --> 00:01:56,896
# And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race #

45
00:01:58,767 --> 00:02:02,102
# Oh, boy, it's swell to say #

46
00:02:02,103 --> 00:02:04,337
- # Good... #
- # Good morning, U.S.A. #

47
00:02:04,338 --> 00:02:05,672
Aah!

48
00:02:07,075 --> 00:02:10,277
# Good morning, U.S.A. #

49
00:02:17,017 --> 00:02:21,088
# 3:30 in the afternoon #

50
00:02:21,089 --> 00:02:22,956
# I should be doing my homework #

51
00:02:22,957 --> 00:02:24,757
# Inside my own room #

52
00:02:24,758 --> 00:02:27,393
# But bad luck #

53
00:02:27,394 --> 00:02:29,095
# Got me all messed up #

54
00:02:29,096 --> 00:02:31,564
# I'm in the locker room
and now I'm stuck #

55
00:02:31,565 --> 00:02:33,967
# Guess I'm a goner now #

56
00:02:33,968 --> 00:02:36,402
# See, I was walking,
Snot was talking #

57
00:02:36,403 --> 00:02:38,504
# I remembered something #

58
00:02:38,505 --> 00:02:40,739
# I'd forgotten to grab my wallet #

59
00:02:40,740 --> 00:02:42,674
# Because I was rushing #

60
00:02:42,675 --> 00:02:46,145
# Then he said, "I'm fittin'
to go to my grandma's house" #

61
00:02:46,146 --> 00:02:48,414
# I shrugged and I turned around #

62
00:02:48,415 --> 00:02:50,849
# Back to the school, # but then
who did I found? #
# Mertz #

63
00:02:50,850 --> 00:02:52,851
# "Oh, no" #

64
00:02:52,852 --> 00:02:54,853
# This is not who I want to see #

65
00:02:54,854 --> 00:02:57,089
# Was running till I saw an opening #

66
00:02:57,090 --> 00:02:59,457
# And now the whole soccer
team's bound to freak #

67
00:02:59,458 --> 00:03:01,401
# She's approaching the locker #

68
00:03:01,402 --> 00:03:03,461
# They're done practicing soccer #

69
00:03:03,462 --> 00:03:05,463
# She's opening the locker #

70
00:03:05,464 --> 00:03:09,499
# Wish there was some
way to block her #

71
00:03:19,445 --> 00:03:21,012
I'm going down to the corner

72
00:03:21,013 --> 00:03:22,947
to get drunk with the other losers.

73
00:03:22,948 --> 00:03:25,916
Roger, I'm not so sure
about your new crew.

74
00:03:25,917 --> 00:03:27,685
Oh, I guess you think
they're losers, huh?

75
00:03:27,686 --> 00:03:29,754
Why are you going down there, anyway?

76
00:03:29,755 --> 00:03:32,089
Because I got - a hairline
fracture in my leg.

77
00:03:32,090 --> 00:03:33,624
I'm washed up!

78
00:03:33,625 --> 00:03:36,761
Now I'm never gonna win the
two-on-two tournament.

79
00:03:36,762 --> 00:03:38,696
That was my one true dream.

80
00:03:38,697 --> 00:03:40,898
That doesn't mean your
life is over, Roger.

81
00:03:40,899 --> 00:03:42,499
You're walking around fine.

82
00:03:42,500 --> 00:03:44,368
Yeah, but the doctor says I can't ball.

83
00:03:44,369 --> 00:03:45,736
Body can't handle

84
00:03:45,737 --> 00:03:49,206
the quick cuts, the
spins, the crisscross.

85
00:03:49,207 --> 00:03:51,007
And without the crisscross,

86
00:03:51,008 --> 00:03:53,942
I'm just some guy yelling
about applesauce.

87
00:03:55,713 --> 00:03:57,648
Stan, I'm worried about Roger.

88
00:03:57,649 --> 00:04:00,050
Really? I'm more worried
about Frankenstein.

89
00:04:00,051 --> 00:04:01,518
He's absolutely terrifying.

90
00:04:01,519 --> 00:04:02,952
Come on, Stan.

91
00:04:02,953 --> 00:04:05,454
Don't the guys at your
basketball game play slow

92
00:04:05,455 --> 00:04:06,756
so no one gets hurt?

93
00:04:06,757 --> 00:04:08,524
Oh, no! No way I'm inviting Roger.

94
00:04:08,525 --> 00:04:10,359
I asked to play with him last week,

95
00:04:10,360 --> 00:04:11,995
and he called me an old head.

96
00:04:11,996 --> 00:04:13,863
Well, now he's the one who's old.

97
00:04:13,864 --> 00:04:15,065
I could school him.

98
00:04:15,066 --> 00:04:16,499
Actually...

99
00:04:16,500 --> 00:04:19,502
Maybe Roger should come play with me.

100
00:04:19,503 --> 00:04:24,674
Yeah. Maybe that's exactly what
old Roger needs right now.

101
00:04:24,675 --> 00:04:25,874
Thank you, Stan.

102
00:04:25,875 --> 00:04:27,376
But it worries me,

103
00:04:27,377 --> 00:04:29,645
that bad-guy thing you're
doing with your hands.

104
00:04:29,646 --> 00:04:31,313
Oh, does it?

105
00:04:36,103 --> 00:04:38,805
Man, no one could guard me in my day.

106
00:04:38,806 --> 00:04:40,640
I made fools look foolish.

107
00:04:40,641 --> 00:04:42,943
You were straight up legend, E-Money.

108
00:04:42,944 --> 00:04:44,377
- Roger!
- What's up? You need weed?

109
00:04:44,378 --> 00:04:45,645
Get in the car.

110
00:04:45,646 --> 00:04:47,714
Oh, he needs a little something else.

111
00:04:47,715 --> 00:04:49,515
I'm gonna go blow this guy.

112
00:04:49,516 --> 00:04:52,618
You on fire today, Applesauce!

113
00:04:54,388 --> 00:04:56,823
# So these girls
pull me out of the locker #

114
00:04:56,824 --> 00:04:59,325
# Talkin' about, "What the
hell you doing up in here?" #

115
00:04:59,326 --> 00:05:01,927
# I'm like, "Hold up [bleep]
you need to lower your voice #

116
00:05:01,928 --> 00:05:03,562
# Do I make myself clear?" #

117
00:05:03,563 --> 00:05:05,597
# She like, "Whoa, who
you calling a [bleep]?"

118
00:05:05,598 --> 00:05:07,432
# I'm like, "You" #
# She like, "Who?" #

119
00:05:07,433 --> 00:05:08,667
# I'm like, "You, [bleep] #

120
00:05:08,668 --> 00:05:10,169
# Wait, hold up, let me explain #

121
00:05:10,170 --> 00:05:11,803
# All the shit I been going through #

122
00:05:11,804 --> 00:05:13,272
# Now, let's start over #

123
00:05:13,273 --> 00:05:14,506
# My name's Steve #

124
00:05:14,507 --> 00:05:16,475
# It's nice to meet you, ladies" #

125
00:05:16,476 --> 00:05:18,110
# "Cut that bullcrap, Steve #

126
00:05:18,111 --> 00:05:20,512
# We know that you've
been acting shady #

127
00:05:20,513 --> 00:05:22,381
# So, listen close #

128
00:05:22,382 --> 00:05:24,383
# 'Cause this is what we are gonna go #

129
00:05:24,384 --> 00:05:26,451
# When somebody's creeping,
we call in Jewel" #

130
00:05:26,452 --> 00:05:27,719
# "Not Jewel" #

131
00:05:27,720 --> 00:05:29,320
# "Yes, Jewel" #

132
00:05:29,321 --> 00:05:30,689
# Oh, no #

133
00:05:30,690 --> 00:05:33,625
# Jewel looks like a grown-ass man #

134
00:05:33,626 --> 00:05:34,893
# 14 years old #

135
00:05:34,894 --> 00:05:37,661
# At least 215 pounds #

136
00:05:37,662 --> 00:05:39,297
# She's coming at me #

137
00:05:39,298 --> 00:05:41,799
# And this is when things
start to get foolish #

138
00:05:41,800 --> 00:05:44,468
# The roof caved in on top of her #

139
00:05:44,469 --> 00:05:46,804
# Oh, my God, it's Lewis #

140
00:05:46,805 --> 00:05:49,072
# Lewis, Lewis #

141
00:05:52,611 --> 00:05:55,212
Stan, is this a basketball gym?

142
00:05:55,213 --> 00:05:57,014
I told you, my playing days are over.

143
00:05:57,015 --> 00:05:59,649
Yeah, but I was thinking maybe
this is more your speed.

144
00:06:06,057 --> 00:06:07,858
I don't know, Stan.

145
00:06:07,859 --> 00:06:09,159
You think I'll fit in?

146
00:06:09,160 --> 00:06:10,583
Hey, everyone, I brought a new guy.

147
00:06:10,584 --> 00:06:12,296
His name is... Billy Jesusworth.

148
00:06:12,297 --> 00:06:13,797
Billy Jesusworth,

149
00:06:13,798 --> 00:06:16,733
this is Jackson, Dick,
Buckle, Shaquille O'Neal.

150
00:06:16,734 --> 00:06:18,402
Shaq plays here?

151
00:06:18,403 --> 00:06:21,171
Us old heads got to get
some games whenever we can.

152
00:06:21,172 --> 00:06:23,340
For me, it's all about the joy.

153
00:06:23,341 --> 00:06:25,409
Buckle plays here?!

154
00:06:28,879 --> 00:06:30,779
Stan! Easy, Stan.

155
00:06:33,417 --> 00:06:35,216
Face!

156
00:06:37,922 --> 00:06:39,220
Aagh!

157
00:06:40,724 --> 00:06:43,192
Bucket! And the foul!

158
00:06:43,193 --> 00:06:44,927
Why are you doing this to me?

159
00:06:44,928 --> 00:06:46,362
Because you called me old.

160
00:06:46,363 --> 00:06:48,630
You're the one who's old.
You're washed up.

161
00:06:48,631 --> 00:06:51,467
What, so you just brought me
here to make me look stupid?

162
00:06:54,471 --> 00:06:55,771
Damn, Stan.

163
00:06:55,772 --> 00:06:57,406
And you said that guy was your friend.

164
00:06:57,407 --> 00:06:58,807
That's cold-blooded.

165
00:06:58,808 --> 00:07:00,141
Shaq could use someone like you

166
00:07:00,142 --> 00:07:01,376
for the two-on-two tournament.

167
00:07:01,377 --> 00:07:03,579
Hey, you serious right now?

168
00:07:03,580 --> 00:07:04,947
Absolutely.

169
00:07:04,948 --> 00:07:06,582
You seem like the
toughest dude out here.

170
00:07:06,583 --> 00:07:07,783
You noticed!

171
00:07:07,784 --> 00:07:09,751
Oh, my heart is soaring right now!

172
00:07:12,421 --> 00:07:14,756
The far doors are locked.
I'm gonna try the other ones.

173
00:07:22,416 --> 00:07:24,284
Hey, how was basketball?

174
00:07:24,285 --> 00:07:27,187
Awesome! Shaquille O'Neal
asked me to be his partner

175
00:07:27,188 --> 00:07:28,754
for the Uptown Throw-Down!

176
00:07:28,755 --> 00:07:31,257
But the best part was
I totally schooled Roger.

177
00:07:31,258 --> 00:07:34,894
Stan, the whole reason I asked
you to take Roger to your game

178
00:07:34,895 --> 00:07:36,629
was to build his confidence.

179
00:07:36,630 --> 00:07:39,599
As usual, your reason and
mine were totally different.

180
00:07:39,600 --> 00:07:41,467
I took him because he
was being a dick to me

181
00:07:41,468 --> 00:07:43,135
and I wanted to crush his will to live.

182
00:07:43,136 --> 00:07:45,805
He's your friend. Look at him.

183
00:07:45,806 --> 00:07:50,441
Stan, can you do me one last act
of kindness and start the car?

184
00:07:55,448 --> 00:07:59,251
Fine. I'll take him back to
the game and I'll play nice.

185
00:07:59,252 --> 00:08:00,885
But if I get the ball behind
the arc and I'm open,

186
00:08:00,886 --> 00:08:02,287
I'm gonna drill threes over him.

187
00:08:02,288 --> 00:08:04,123
I'm a shooter, and a
shooter gotta shoot.

188
00:08:04,124 --> 00:08:06,658
Stan, I don't know basketball,

189
00:08:06,659 --> 00:08:08,893
but I can tell by the
way you're talking

190
00:08:08,894 --> 00:08:10,761
that you're not good at it.

191
00:08:12,098 --> 00:08:16,467
# 3:47 in Principal Lewis' room #

192
00:08:16,468 --> 00:08:18,503
# This fool is having a panic attack #

193
00:08:18,504 --> 00:08:19,804
# I hope this is over soon #

194
00:08:19,805 --> 00:08:21,439
# He was talking about #

195
00:08:21,440 --> 00:08:22,841
# "Budget cuts #

196
00:08:22,842 --> 00:08:24,509
# No pest control for months #

197
00:08:24,510 --> 00:08:26,678
# I wasn't perving or
looking at butts #

198
00:08:26,679 --> 00:08:28,422
# I was in the A.C., man,
hunting for rats #

199
00:08:28,423 --> 00:08:30,148
# I swear to God" #

200
00:08:30,149 --> 00:08:32,612
# "Man, that's
your business, not my business #

201
00:08:32,613 --> 00:08:33,784
# I don't need no update" #

202
00:08:33,785 --> 00:08:35,353
# "I got a new woman #

203
00:08:35,354 --> 00:08:38,222
# So we need to get our
stories straight" #

204
00:08:38,223 --> 00:08:40,766
# "We? What the
you talkin' 'bout, man? #

205
00:08:40,767 --> 00:08:42,326
# There's no 'we'" #

206
00:08:42,327 --> 00:08:44,562
# "Steve, if my
new woman hear about this #

207
00:08:44,563 --> 00:08:46,897
# Man, she gon' leave" #

208
00:08:46,898 --> 00:08:49,166
# "Wait, what the heck was that? #

209
00:08:49,167 --> 00:08:51,168
# Sounded like a rat" #

210
00:08:51,169 --> 00:08:54,071
# Then he pulled
out a Jericho 9 millimeter #

211
00:08:54,072 --> 00:08:55,305
# Started busting #

212
00:08:57,075 --> 00:09:00,410
# And just when I thought
it couldn't get more scary #

213
00:09:00,411 --> 00:09:02,154
# When he opened the door #

214
00:09:02,155 --> 00:09:05,515
# The rat turned out
to be Secretary Mary #

215
00:09:05,516 --> 00:09:07,750
# Mary, Mary #

216
00:09:10,655 --> 00:09:13,657
Listen, guys, after you
demoralized Billy yesterday,

217
00:09:13,658 --> 00:09:14,824
he tried to kill himself.

218
00:09:14,825 --> 00:09:16,826
Hey, me, too! No way!

219
00:09:16,827 --> 00:09:19,729
I was thinking maybe this time
we could take it easy on him,

220
00:09:19,730 --> 00:09:21,030
let him hit a couple shots.

221
00:09:21,031 --> 00:09:22,298
Makes sense to me.

222
00:09:22,299 --> 00:09:24,333
The Spurs won two NBA champions

223
00:09:24,334 --> 00:09:27,135
because the commissioner was
worried Tim Duncan looked sad.

224
00:09:30,540 --> 00:09:32,440
Shoot!

225
00:09:37,214 --> 00:09:38,247
Shoot!

226
00:09:40,517 --> 00:09:42,084
- Come on, Billy!
- Shoot!

227
00:09:42,085 --> 00:09:43,618
Billy, I believe in you!

228
00:09:47,591 --> 00:09:48,691
Swish!

229
00:09:48,692 --> 00:09:50,559
Nice shot. You nailed it.

230
00:09:50,560 --> 00:09:52,361
I did?!

231
00:09:52,362 --> 00:09:55,897
Yeah, baby. That's automatic for me.

232
00:09:55,898 --> 00:09:58,466
Dunk!

233
00:09:58,467 --> 00:10:00,068
Nice assist, Shaq.

234
00:10:00,069 --> 00:10:02,637
You guys can't leave me
and Shaq open like that.

235
00:10:02,638 --> 00:10:03,871
We'll make you pay.

236
00:10:06,809 --> 00:10:08,309
I'll take it from here.

237
00:10:19,588 --> 00:10:21,322
Better grab a poncho, boys.

238
00:10:21,323 --> 00:10:25,025
It's gonna be raining
from this spot all day.

239
00:10:25,026 --> 00:10:28,028
# So, I'm speeding down the street #

240
00:10:28,029 --> 00:10:31,198
# Reaching for my phone,
about to have a fit #

241
00:10:31,199 --> 00:10:35,035
# I'm calling the one dude who can
help me out of this mess #

242
00:10:35,036 --> 00:10:36,203
# Br-ring #

243
00:10:36,204 --> 00:10:37,772
# "Come on, Snot, I need you #

244
00:10:37,773 --> 00:10:40,775
# To pick up the damn
phone right now" #

245
00:10:40,776 --> 00:10:44,344
# And the next part's so
jacked up that it hurts #

246
00:10:44,345 --> 00:10:47,447
# The dude that picked up wasn't Snot #

247
00:10:47,448 --> 00:10:50,049
# It was Mertz #

248
00:10:50,050 --> 00:10:51,350
Hello?

249
00:10:56,112 --> 00:10:57,612
Great news, everybody.

250
00:10:57,613 --> 00:11:00,315
Heinrich asked me to be
his two-on-two partner.

251
00:11:00,316 --> 00:11:01,749
Oh!

252
00:11:01,750 --> 00:11:04,419
Nice ballin' today, Hooper.
Quit biting on my fake.

253
00:11:04,420 --> 00:11:06,454
Dick, if you're gonna bank it,
better call glass.

254
00:11:06,455 --> 00:11:07,622
Stan!

255
00:11:07,623 --> 00:11:09,257
Stan, I just want to thank you.

256
00:11:09,258 --> 00:11:10,925
I thought I was finished playing ball,

257
00:11:10,926 --> 00:11:12,960
but you took the time to lift me up

258
00:11:12,961 --> 00:11:14,562
and show me I could still hoop.

259
00:11:14,563 --> 00:11:16,063
I am in your debt.

260
00:11:16,064 --> 00:11:18,699
Well, I'm just glad to see
you back to your old self.

261
00:11:18,700 --> 00:11:20,234
And you're a pretty good baller,

262
00:11:20,235 --> 00:11:22,302
which is why I'm not going
to take you lightly

263
00:11:22,303 --> 00:11:24,805
when I face you in the
tourney with my new partner,

264
00:11:24,806 --> 00:11:26,273
Shaquille O'Neal!

265
00:11:26,274 --> 00:11:29,076
But... but we're supposed
to play together.

266
00:11:29,077 --> 00:11:30,133
Sorry, Stan.

267
00:11:30,134 --> 00:11:32,050
I don't believe man's
fate is predetermined.

268
00:11:32,051 --> 00:11:34,118
We're all endowed with free will.

269
00:11:34,119 --> 00:11:36,954
And I'm using mine to
change basketball partners.

270
00:11:36,955 --> 00:11:38,423
You knew he was my partner!

271
00:11:38,424 --> 00:11:40,124
Shaquille, let's talk strategy.

272
00:11:40,125 --> 00:11:41,659
Now, if you're uncomfortable

273
00:11:41,660 --> 00:11:43,727
with me walking with my
arm around your waist,

274
00:11:43,728 --> 00:11:45,229
I could also walk behind you

275
00:11:45,230 --> 00:11:47,730
with my hands clasped in
front of your abdomen.

276
00:11:52,638 --> 00:11:54,373
I love the Panda.

277
00:11:54,374 --> 00:11:57,675
Double orange chicken,
all day, every day.

278
00:11:57,676 --> 00:12:00,045
I know they called us
the Dream Team in '96,

279
00:12:00,046 --> 00:12:02,180
but to me, the real Dream Team

280
00:12:02,181 --> 00:12:04,482
is this beef and this broccoli.

281
00:12:04,483 --> 00:12:06,484
You deserve this more than I do.

282
00:12:06,485 --> 00:12:09,053
Oh, hello, Roger. Didn't
know I'd see you here.

283
00:12:09,054 --> 00:12:12,023
Just came in because my new teammate
for the tourney was hungry.

284
00:12:12,024 --> 00:12:14,225
Oh, have you met Yao Ming?

285
00:12:14,226 --> 00:12:15,660
Yao Ming?!

286
00:12:15,661 --> 00:12:17,228
But, uh, what?!

287
00:12:17,229 --> 00:12:21,132
That's right. I got legendary
monster freak Yao Ming.

288
00:12:21,133 --> 00:12:22,634
Hey, Shaq.

289
00:12:36,781 --> 00:12:38,249
You're talking about me.

290
00:12:38,250 --> 00:12:39,990
I know you're talking
about me, Shaquille.

291
00:12:51,863 --> 00:12:53,630
So...

292
00:12:53,631 --> 00:12:54,865
Yao and I are gonna team up.

293
00:12:54,866 --> 00:12:56,299
Hope we're cool.

294
00:12:56,300 --> 00:12:59,436
No, we're not cool!
Why would we be cool?!

295
00:12:59,437 --> 00:13:01,304
This is your fault, Stan!

296
00:13:01,305 --> 00:13:04,207
Shaq was my chance to get back
on top, and you ruined it!

297
00:13:04,208 --> 00:13:05,241
I hate you!

298
00:13:17,053 --> 00:13:18,220
# I'm tripping #

299
00:13:18,221 --> 00:13:20,556
# What the heck is going on? #

300
00:13:20,557 --> 00:13:22,391
# Maybe I called the wrong number #

301
00:13:22,392 --> 00:13:24,293
# And got the wrong phone #

302
00:13:24,294 --> 00:13:26,796
# But the doors are open #

303
00:13:26,797 --> 00:13:28,898
# Smells like potpourri #

304
00:13:28,899 --> 00:13:30,633
# I walk in, and what do I see? #

305
00:13:30,634 --> 00:13:33,635
# Snot and Mertz playin' Risk #

306
00:13:33,636 --> 00:13:35,570
# "I'm betrayed, my favorite game #

307
00:13:35,571 --> 00:13:37,772
# You're playing with that bully #

308
00:13:37,773 --> 00:13:39,975
# What, now y'all close? #
# Wait #

309
00:13:39,976 --> 00:13:42,777
# You're drinking milk and cookies?" #

310
00:13:42,778 --> 00:13:44,246
# Snot was like, "Listen" #

311
00:13:44,247 --> 00:13:45,814
# "No-no, no, no, no" #

312
00:13:45,815 --> 00:13:47,483
# "I can explain" #

313
00:13:47,484 --> 00:13:49,918
# "Well, then, go ahead
and explain yourself" #

314
00:13:49,919 --> 00:13:52,020
# Then Mertz jumped up, said #

315
00:13:52,021 --> 00:13:54,789
# "I'll explain so that
you two will cool it #

316
00:13:54,790 --> 00:13:57,191
# See, his dad died and my dad died #

317
00:13:57,192 --> 00:13:59,027
# And Risk is therapeutic" #

318
00:13:59,028 --> 00:14:00,929
# I was like, "Amen" #

319
00:14:00,930 --> 00:14:02,797
# Snot was like, "Amen to that #

320
00:14:02,798 --> 00:14:03,865
# I love Risk" #

321
00:14:03,866 --> 00:14:05,233
# "I love Risk, too" #

322
00:14:05,234 --> 00:14:07,035
# "Damn, y'all bonded over Risk #

323
00:14:07,036 --> 00:14:08,469
# That's beautif... " #

324
00:14:08,470 --> 00:14:11,406
# Principal Lewis kicked in the door #

325
00:14:11,407 --> 00:14:13,174
# Waving a .44 #

326
00:14:13,175 --> 00:14:15,976
# Talking about, "Don't speak,
don't move no more" #

327
00:14:15,977 --> 00:14:17,912
# But Snot's mom came in and said #

328
00:14:17,913 --> 00:14:19,414
# "Lewis, baby, put down that gun #

329
00:14:19,415 --> 00:14:20,581
# And uncock it" #

330
00:14:20,582 --> 00:14:21,805
# And that's when we noticed #

331
00:14:21,806 --> 00:14:23,150
# They was wearing #

332
00:14:23,151 --> 00:14:25,252
# The very same locket #

333
00:14:25,253 --> 00:14:27,421
# Locket, locket #

334
00:14:27,422 --> 00:14:29,088
# Locket #

335
00:14:35,463 --> 00:14:37,597
You here to rub in the fact

336
00:14:37,598 --> 00:14:39,866
that you cost me the most
important thing in my life?

337
00:14:39,867 --> 00:14:43,570
You stole my partner after
I invited you into my game!

338
00:14:43,571 --> 00:14:44,871
What kind of friend does that?

339
00:14:44,872 --> 00:14:48,141
Oh, my God. You're right.

340
00:14:48,142 --> 00:14:50,210
I just got crazy 'cause...

341
00:14:50,211 --> 00:14:52,379
'cause I wanted to compete
at the highest level.

342
00:14:52,380 --> 00:14:55,048
You still can... if we play together.

343
00:14:55,049 --> 00:14:56,215
You and me?

344
00:14:56,216 --> 00:14:58,585
Maybe if I was still Applesauce.

345
00:14:58,586 --> 00:15:01,253
Roger, you don't need to be
Applesauce to be good.

346
00:15:01,254 --> 00:15:02,989
Applesauce was a young blood.

347
00:15:02,990 --> 00:15:05,925
He only succeeded on athleticism
and God-given talent.

348
00:15:05,926 --> 00:15:07,526
True. True.

349
00:15:07,527 --> 00:15:09,829
But you can learn to
play like an old head.

350
00:15:09,830 --> 00:15:12,364
Those guys that play with us,
they all used to be young.

351
00:15:12,365 --> 00:15:13,932
Buckle used to be able to dunk.

352
00:15:13,933 --> 00:15:15,234
Really?

353
00:15:15,235 --> 00:15:17,336
And Shaq used to play in the NBA.

354
00:15:17,337 --> 00:15:18,370
No way!

355
00:15:18,371 --> 00:15:19,738
But all those guys got old

356
00:15:19,739 --> 00:15:21,673
and learned to change their style.

357
00:15:21,674 --> 00:15:23,175
They learned to use their elbows,

358
00:15:23,176 --> 00:15:25,144
they learned to grab
their opponents' jerseys

359
00:15:25,145 --> 00:15:26,178
as they ran by.

360
00:15:26,179 --> 00:15:27,913
And you can learn, too.

361
00:15:27,914 --> 00:15:29,346
What do you say?

362
00:15:31,550 --> 00:15:34,552
And so the lesson begins

363
00:15:34,553 --> 00:15:36,254
# We love that basketball #

364
00:15:36,255 --> 00:15:40,859
# Now rapping basketball...
number one, Kurtis Blow #

365
00:15:40,860 --> 00:15:42,995
# Basketball is my favorite sport #

366
00:15:42,996 --> 00:15:45,099
# I like the way they dribble
up and down the court #

367
00:15:45,100 --> 00:15:47,532
# Just like I'm the king
on the microphone #

368
00:15:47,533 --> 00:15:49,601
# So is Dr. J and Moses Malone #

369
00:15:49,602 --> 00:15:52,237
# I like slam dunks and
takin' it to the hoop #

370
00:15:52,238 --> 00:15:54,972
# My favorite play is the alley-oop #

371
00:15:54,973 --> 00:15:56,641
We did it.

372
00:15:56,642 --> 00:15:58,709
It was hard-fought,
and we were having so much fun,

373
00:15:58,710 --> 00:16:00,264
we were halfway through the tournament

374
00:16:00,265 --> 00:16:01,928
before I even realized
we were playing it.

375
00:16:01,929 --> 00:16:05,215
But we did it!
We made it to the finals.

376
00:16:09,688 --> 00:16:12,556
# Now we all on the floor #

377
00:16:12,557 --> 00:16:14,491
# Feelin' clueless #

378
00:16:14,492 --> 00:16:18,595
# It's hard to believe that
Snot's mom was banging Lewis #

379
00:16:18,596 --> 00:16:20,230
# Then Lewis says #

380
00:16:20,231 --> 00:16:22,366
# "It's been a hell of a day #

381
00:16:22,367 --> 00:16:24,368
# I'm glad this whole thing is out #

382
00:16:24,369 --> 00:16:26,403
# Wait, why you wearing a negligee? #

383
00:16:26,404 --> 00:16:31,275
# How'd you even know that
you was fittin' to see me? #

384
00:16:31,276 --> 00:16:35,244
# And whose clothes are those
thrown over the TV?" #

385
00:16:35,245 --> 00:16:36,980
# And Snot's mom was like #

386
00:16:36,981 --> 00:16:38,414
# "But... b-b-b-b" #

387
00:16:38,415 --> 00:16:40,150
# Stuttering all over the place #

388
00:16:40,151 --> 00:16:42,986
# And Lewis says, "Girl,
unless you got Parkinson's #

389
00:16:42,987 --> 00:16:45,454
# Start talking straight" #

390
00:16:45,455 --> 00:16:47,323
# "Baby, is everything okay?" #

391
00:16:47,324 --> 00:16:48,690
# "Wait, hold up #

392
00:16:48,691 --> 00:16:50,594
# I know this ain't the
dude that's the reason #

393
00:16:50,595 --> 00:16:52,761
# For the cabaret lingerie" #

394
00:16:52,762 --> 00:16:55,066
# Then Lewis
starts waving his gun around #

395
00:16:55,067 --> 00:16:56,932
# And busting shots off in the closet #

396
00:16:56,933 --> 00:16:58,834
# Then Greg fell out, cried, "Avery #

397
00:16:58,835 --> 00:17:00,936
# How could you be so dishonest?" #

398
00:17:00,937 --> 00:17:02,305
# Snot's mom screamed #

399
00:17:02,306 --> 00:17:04,540
# Now Greg's pager's flashing blue #

400
00:17:04,541 --> 00:17:06,641
# He says, "My bae's got a clue" #

401
00:17:06,642 --> 00:17:09,078
# Next thing, his man is in the room #

402
00:17:09,079 --> 00:17:13,582
# Seven minutes later,
12 adults with they guns out #

403
00:17:13,583 --> 00:17:16,151
# Talking about, "You [bleep]
her and I [bleep] him" #

404
00:17:16,152 --> 00:17:17,652
# While they all scream and shout #

405
00:17:17,653 --> 00:17:19,621
# But then... #

406
00:17:19,622 --> 00:17:22,724
# Principal Lewis started laughing #

407
00:17:22,725 --> 00:17:26,661
# Just sitting there, giggling
to himself, just laughing #

408
00:17:26,662 --> 00:17:28,363
# He said "Well, now that

409
00:17:28,364 --> 00:17:31,299
# We've all made the connection #

410
00:17:31,300 --> 00:17:35,370
# I hope everybody was
using protection" #

411
00:17:35,371 --> 00:17:38,840
# And they all started laughing
because, of course, nobody had #

412
00:17:38,841 --> 00:17:41,442
# Snot's mom, Greg, and Stelio #

413
00:17:41,443 --> 00:17:43,211
# And this new couple...
Gina and Chad #

414
00:17:43,212 --> 00:17:46,447
# They was all just laughin' #

415
00:17:46,448 --> 00:17:48,716
# Just giggling and laughin' #

416
00:17:48,717 --> 00:17:50,952
# And we snuck out
while they was laughin' #

417
00:17:50,953 --> 00:17:53,376
Steve, I don't know
why you're telling me this now,

418
00:17:53,377 --> 00:17:55,956
and I don't know why you're
singing the whole story,

419
00:17:55,957 --> 00:17:59,326
but your dad and Roger are
about to play in the finals.

420
00:17:59,327 --> 00:18:01,295
Okay, singing may have
been a bad choice.

421
00:18:01,296 --> 00:18:02,963
But that's a crazy story, right?

422
00:18:02,964 --> 00:18:04,131
Wait...

423
00:18:04,132 --> 00:18:06,367
Did Lewis murder his secretary?

424
00:18:06,368 --> 00:18:08,469
The finals, Hayley!

425
00:18:09,704 --> 00:18:12,605
Okay, every basket is one point.

426
00:18:12,606 --> 00:18:14,941
First team to 11, wins.

427
00:18:14,942 --> 00:18:17,443
Whoever catches this has to kiss me.

428
00:18:20,148 --> 00:18:21,614
# Slam, da-da-dat #

429
00:18:21,615 --> 00:18:23,784
Can't pass where you can't see!

430
00:18:23,785 --> 00:18:24,851
# Let the boys be boys #

431
00:18:24,852 --> 00:18:26,352
# Slam, slam #

432
00:18:26,353 --> 00:18:27,453
# Da-da-dat #

433
00:18:27,454 --> 00:18:28,621
# Da-da-dat #

434
00:18:28,622 --> 00:18:31,556
# Let the boys be boys #

435
00:18:34,161 --> 00:18:36,529
Man, these guys are good.

436
00:18:36,530 --> 00:18:37,764
I got a plan.

437
00:18:37,765 --> 00:18:39,832
The next time Shaq goes to the rim,

438
00:18:39,833 --> 00:18:40,965
let him dunk.

439
00:18:42,169 --> 00:18:44,837
Hey, Shaq, looks like the only
thing you're dunking these days

440
00:18:44,838 --> 00:18:45,938
is doughnuts!

441
00:18:45,939 --> 00:18:48,306
Oh! Up top, ref!

442
00:18:50,911 --> 00:18:52,511
Aah!

443
00:18:52,512 --> 00:18:54,746
This thing crushed my legs.

444
00:18:54,747 --> 00:18:58,583
Who says an old head
can't learn a new trick?

445
00:18:58,584 --> 00:19:00,853
And now that Yao doesn't
have a teammate,

446
00:19:00,854 --> 00:19:03,021
I guess we win by forfeit.

447
00:19:03,022 --> 00:19:05,524
Wait. I will beat them by myself.

448
00:19:05,525 --> 00:19:07,693
He speaks English.

449
00:19:07,694 --> 00:19:08,760
# Look for the hook #

450
00:19:08,761 --> 00:19:10,395
# Look for the hook #

451
00:19:10,396 --> 00:19:12,597
# Everybody, everybody,
here comes the hook #

452
00:19:12,598 --> 00:19:13,665
# Look for the hook #

453
00:19:13,666 --> 00:19:15,266
# Look for the hook #

454
00:19:15,267 --> 00:19:17,168
# Everybody, everybody,
here comes the hook #

455
00:19:17,169 --> 00:19:19,003
# Back to the studio
to make another hit #

456
00:19:19,004 --> 00:19:20,238
# On the tip of being funky #

457
00:19:20,239 --> 00:19:21,405
# This is funky as it get #

458
00:19:21,406 --> 00:19:22,841
# If ya trip, watch your lip #

459
00:19:22,842 --> 00:19:24,225
# With a quick fast and tip fast #

460
00:19:24,226 --> 00:19:25,243
# Like I did when I... #

461
00:19:25,244 --> 00:19:26,711
This is it, Roger.

462
00:19:26,712 --> 00:19:29,214
We need one basket.
One basket to win it all.

463
00:19:29,215 --> 00:19:31,115
And we've got trick left.

464
00:19:31,116 --> 00:19:33,751
Stan, I can't blow this guy
in front of all these people.

465
00:19:33,752 --> 00:19:34,785
No!

466
00:19:34,786 --> 00:19:37,020
Crisscross applesauce.

467
00:19:37,021 --> 00:19:39,423
But, Stan, I'm too old for that move.

468
00:19:39,424 --> 00:19:40,658
No, you're not.

469
00:19:40,659 --> 00:19:42,259
You may be an old head,

470
00:19:42,260 --> 00:19:44,595
but your heart pumps young blood.

471
00:19:44,596 --> 00:19:47,297
Hell yeah, it does! Forget that doctor!

472
00:19:47,298 --> 00:19:51,067
Doctors are stupid, Roger.
They're just failed dentists.

473
00:19:59,309 --> 00:20:02,178
Crisscross applesau... Aah!

474
00:20:09,253 --> 00:20:15,524
Yao, stop!

475
00:20:33,410 --> 00:20:35,744
The doctor said your
leg was gonna break

476
00:20:35,745 --> 00:20:37,513
if you ever tried that move.

477
00:20:37,514 --> 00:20:39,748
And Yao had been
guarding you close all day.

478
00:20:39,749 --> 00:20:42,183
It was simple math to know
that your exposed bone

479
00:20:42,184 --> 00:20:44,185
would pierce his calf and take him out.

480
00:20:44,186 --> 00:20:45,320
Great call, Stan.

481
00:20:45,321 --> 00:20:47,289
And we got the hardware, baby!

482
00:20:47,290 --> 00:20:48,556
Mwah!

483
00:20:48,557 --> 00:20:49,791
We should have been champions.

484
00:20:49,792 --> 00:20:51,559
This is a Shaq-rage!

485
00:20:51,560 --> 00:20:53,028
You did your best,

486
00:20:53,029 --> 00:20:54,762
but you came up a little short.

487
00:20:54,763 --> 00:20:56,064
There's always next year.

488
00:20:56,065 --> 00:20:57,565
What? Who are you?

489
00:20:57,566 --> 00:21:02,470
Oh, guys. I'm Klaus.